Plugged-In Parent Newsletter (September 2015) by Immanuel Baptist Church

SEPTEMBER 2015

PLUGGED IN A MONTHLY PUBLICATIONTO HELP PARENTS BETTER PLUG INTOTHE SPIRITUAL DEVELOPMENT OFTHEIR STUDENT

September Issue THIS MONTH

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GIRLS MINISTRY/ACTEENS (9/13) THE GATHERING (9/16)

COMING SOON

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MEN’S MINISTRY VICTORY CAR SHOW (10/10)

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS

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HIGH SCHOOL GUYS RETREAT (10/16-18)

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IBC UNIVERSITY-MIDDLE SCHOOL (11/6-8)

HE A RT CONNE X

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN! MANY OF YOU WILL FIND YOURSELVES AT SOME POINT THIS FALL SITTING ON A HARD METAL BLEACHER SUPPORTING YOUR SON, DAUGHTER, OR ANOTHER TEEN CLOSE TO YOU. CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING AS YOU SHOW YOUR SUPPORT:

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PRAY: YES, PRAY FOR THE PROTECTION OF THE PARTICIPANTS, BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THAT THEY WOULD BE JESUS TO THOSE ON THE FIELD AND THOSE IN THE STANDS. LIKEWISE, PRAY FOR YOUR FELLOW PARENTS TO REFLECT JESUS WHILE SUPPORTING THEIR TEEN. APPLAUD: IT IS A GOOD THING TO APPLAUD YOUR TEEN’S ATHLETIC ACHIEVEMENTS. GOD HAS GIFTED US TO DO THINGS WITH EXCELLENCE, BUT HE’S MOST EQUIPPED US TO REFLECT HIS IMAGE WITH EXCELLENCE. KEEP TABS ON THE HEARTS CHRIST HAS TOUCHED publication of IBC Student Ministr y.  THROUGH YOUR TEEN RATHER THAN AJUST THE TOUCHDOWNS. www.ibclrstudents.org © 2015

ABSOLUTE RIGHT AND WRONG

THE INTERVIEW HANNAH STEPHENS

EQUIP

LEADING YOUR FAMILY TO GO

ENGAGE

A SEXUAL REVELATION

THE INTERVIEW | HANNAH STEPHENS What do you enjoy most about IBC Student Ministry? One thing i enjoy most about the student ministry is how welcoming it feels. That is what has made me want to come back since the first time I visited.

What role do your parents play in your life spiritually? My parents are the reason I have faith. They play every role in my life spiritually. They teach me that no one is perfect, but everyone needs to be loved.

What do you hope God does in and through you this upcoming school year? I hope God teaches me how to be an example of Christ in every situation in my life and how to stand out as a Christian even when no one is around me.

AGE: 16

HIGH SCHOOL: HOME SCHOOL

GRADE: 11TH

JOINED IMMANUEL: 2013

From Our Heart Do you remember the old Monday Night Football jingle…”Are you ready for some football?” Admit it, you dads especially remember jamming out to some old school Hank Williams Jr.. I remember as a kid thinking, “Well, duh! Of course I'm ready for some football!” Well, even as an adult my immediate response to that old jingle still remains the same…”Well, Duh!” I am so ready for football. Have you not listened to the doldrums of sports radio or checked the Guide on your TV in July and August to see that there was practically nothing worth listening to and very little to watch on TV? I am a frenzied fan of football! Football is king during this time of the year. Families plan their weekend activities around when the Razorbacks game is televised. Travel arrangements are made weeks in advance to caravan across the state following sons and daughters who play and/or perform under those Friday night lights. Even with our Fall student ministry programming, we ask two very practical questions before putting something on the calendar: (1) when are school homecoming games? and (2) are the Razorbacks home or away? Some of you may not be as frenzied of a fan of football or even a sports team, but you are a frenzied fan of your teen. Nearly everything they are interested in you become a fan. This isn’t new to you. You’ve been doing it from the Ninja Turtles and Barbie doll days. If they fall in love with volleyball, you get them a private coach and travel the country doing weekend tournaments. If they fall in love with music, you buy them a drum set or that big fancy tuba! In reality, its not so much that you are now a fan of _________, but that you are showing your son or daughter that you are a fan of THEM! This is a good thing, a very good thing! A word of caution though. In becoming your teen’s biggest fan, make modeling what it means to be a faithful follower of Christ more important than being their frenzied fan. It is very important that your teen knows you are their biggest fan. But it is eternally essential that they SEE you being a faithful follower! Don’t let the description of the church at Ephesus in the book of Revelation describe your family as well… ”but I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had a first.” Revelation 2:4 A publication of IBC Student Ministr y.  www.ibclrstudents.org © 2015

HEART CONNEX This is an excerpt on Absolute Right and Wrong in Heart Connex a FREE, weekly devotional for parents of teens by Dr. Richard Ross (Lifeway). 1. HEART SURPR ISE (TODAY THE PARENT GOES FIR ST); SAY: I WANT MY CHILDREN TO BE SUCCESSF UL AND F ULFILLED AS ADULTS. ONE CHAR ACTER ISTIC ABOUT YOU THAT MAK E ME THINK YOU’LL BE SUCCESSF UL IS… 2. RE AD SCR IPTURE: IN VITE A FAMILY MEMBER TO PR AY. ASK FAMILY MEMBER S TO RE AD JEREMIAH 22:1-5. DISCUSS THE TRUTH AND UNTRUTHS IN LIGHT OF THESE VER SES  TRUTH  - GOD DEFINES ABSOLUTE R IGHT AND WRONG AND DESCR IBES HOW WE SHOULD LIVE THROUGH IS WOR D.    UNTRUTHS  - YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT BECAUSE THERE ARE NO ABSOLUTES.  - BEING TOLER ANT ME ANS YOU CAN’T FORCE YOUR RULES ON SOMEONE ELSE.  - GOD CAN’T HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE BECAUSE HE DOESN’T E XIST. 3. E XPLORE SCR IPTURE: READ ALOUD JEREMIAH 22:1-5. SHARE THAT THESE VER SES REPRESENT GOD’S SPECIFIC MESSAGE FOR A ROYAL FAMILY AND WERE DESIGNED TO HELP THEM K NOW HOW TO TREAT OTHER S AS THEY LED A NATION. E XPLAIN THAT GOD’S WOR D IS R IGHT AND WHAT HE WANTS US TO LIVE BY IT. EMPHASIZE THAT HIS WOR D ALSO INCLUDES PENALTIES FOR DOING WRONG. 4. THINK IT THROUGH: A TEENAGER WILL LEAD THIS STEP 5. NAIL IT DOWN: E XPLAIN THAT THERE ARE ABSOLUTES ESTABLISHED BY GOD. SAY: THERE ARE BLESSINGS FOR LIVING WITHIN HIS GUIDELINES AND PENALTIES FOR LIVING OUTSIDE HIS PLAN. SHARE THAT GOD WANTS TO FELLOWSHIP WITH US AND TO BLESS US. POINT OUT THAT HIS LIMITATIONS PROTECT US AND GUIDE US. 6. PR AY: A TEENAGER WILL LEAD THIS PR AYER. 7. BLESSING: SAY: MAY THE MEMBER S OF THIS FAMILY BE K NOWN AS PEOPLE WHO FOLLOW GOD’S GUIDELINES FOR R IGHT AND WRONG. PARENT TIP: AS A PARENT, YOU ARE CALLED TO SERVE AS THE MODEL FOR YOUR TEENAGER. CONSIDER YOUR OWN ATTITUDE TOWAR D MOR AL ABSOLUTES AND WHAT THAT ATTITUDE MAY BE TEACHING YOUR TEEN. TALK WITH YOU TEENAGER ABOUT HOW EACH OF YOU CAN LEAR N TO TRUST GOD AND HIS PLAN FOR R IGHT AND WRONG.

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2015 / September

IBC GIRLS MINISTRY/ ACTEENS

LABOR DAY (OFFICES CLOSED)

MS / HS worship/meal

MS / HS 10 worship/meal

THE GATHERING 5:45—7:15 MS, HS,

PARENTS INVITED

MS / HS 24 worship/meal

MS / HS worship/meal

COMING SOON

October 10 October 16-18 October 28 November 6-8 January 15-17

Victory Car Show HS Guys Retreat FunFest IBC University (Middle School) DNOW 2016

WORTH A FOLLOW

SEPTEMBER 2015 EQUIP

LEADING YOUR FAMILY TO GO Creating and Cultivating a M i s s i o n a l C u l t u r e i n Yo u r Family Warning: if you truly desire to cultivate a missional culture in your family, it may cost you. After our church commissioned a young lady to India, I remember a friend telling me (jokingly, I think) that he would now be sending his grandkids to another church! If you want your family to be more focused on others, it may get sloppy. Just wanted to give you a fair warning.

Leading our families this way can be scary and intimidating, granted, but in the end, there is no greater stewardship of our children than to genuinely cultivate a “missional” culture within our families. The ramifications run deep. As the Moravians focused their families on radical obedience hundreds of years ago, they ended up sacrificially sending 40% of their own children to lost peoples and nations all across the planet.

Cultivating a Love of Missions Begins in Us

Still reading? If we want to truly cultivate this type of culture within our families, it actually starts with us cultivating a heart for God. No way around it. The logic is simple and powerful. As we enhance our love relationship with Him, our “wants” begin to take a diﬀerent shape. Psalms 37:4 reminds us that if we take delight in this relationship with Him, He will give us the desires of our heart. You can begin by allowing your family to see you in the Word each day. I still remember my Dad reading His Bible each morning at the kitchen table as I sat down for breakfast. Still a powerful image for me 35 years later.

As his perspective becomes ours, now we’re ready to cultivate a heart of brokenness for

the lost and hurting. This something that is caught rather than taught. It must be modeled by Mom and Dad. It is easy to talk about this one, but harder to put it into practice. Not because we don’t want to, but because it is risky. Our culture tends to almost worship safety, especially as it relates to our children. Nothing wrong with being smart and cautious, but this can quickly become an idol (see below) that keeps us from obeying God’s call and acting upon opportunities that He puts in our path. In the process of trying to keep my kids safe, I can actually end up robbing them of key life lessons and experiences that God wants to build into them. One of the great ironies of following Jesus is that it can’t be done without risk. Perhaps one of the greatest things we can teach our kids is to live risky in this regard, and then trust the Lord with the consequences of our obedience.

When all is said and done, cultivating a love of missions in my family is simply about cultivating a love for people. And here’s the thing about people: they are messy, needy, stinky, and inconvenient. Yet in the midst of my mess, God loves me intensely. He even loves me enough to demonstrate His own love through me to others that are also messy, needy, stinky, and inconvenient.

Cultivating a Willingness to Risk Since risk is part of the package, how can I set the example in taking risks? What does that look like? I have noticed three idols that we must contend with head-on if we are to have any success: Comfort. It is obviously easier and more comfortable to not risk than to risk, and this quickly becomes our default mode. It starts when the kids are little, and continues on throughout their childhood. Our gravitation towards comfort keeps us safe in the living room or in the church building rather than out on the frontlines. How can I build one or two timeframes into my routine where I delay my

own comfort for the sake of someone else’s spiritual comfort? After all, we have eternity to be comfortable, yet our window here is short. Control. Every parent I know is a control freak to some degree. Let’s face it: when we can’t guarantee the outcome in front of our kids, we become very tentative and hesitant. How can I prepare my heart to say “yes” to His prompting when the moment arises? Convenience. We are so busy. Our calendars, that we many times create ourselves, suck the life from us! Because of this, you hear many people talk about finding opportunities that fit the “rhythm of our lives.” I understand this concept, but could it be that God is actually calling us to shape the “rhythm of our lives” around His agenda, rather than vice versa? How and where can I intentionally create margin in my family schedule for serving and sharing with others?

Cultivating Obedience by a Simple Game Plan Offer to mow a neighbor’s yard or shovel their sidewalk. A simple way to show the love of Jesus with no strings attached. Sit on the front porch and let the kids play. We throw football passes non-stop in our front yard, and have gotten to visit with tons of folks walking and jogging by, and generally, they have initiated! Prayer-walk (or jog!) your neighborhood, and ask God for His blessing on each home. Take the family out on Thanksgiving morning and serve meals at a home for the elderly. Ask your neighbors their birthday and slip a card in their box on the special day. On vacation, take a half-day to volunteer with a local church planter. Doesn’t have to be complicated, just simple and effective. Cook different international foods and have theme nights (simple and fun) where you eat the food, and then study and pray for the people of that region. You may find that

SEPTEMBER 2015 your kids enjoy this even more than you do. One family in our church began praying for a different unreached people group each night with their kids. The Dad told me a few days ago that they are now planning a trip to visit one of the groups they prayed for in China. Amazing what the Lord will do when we pray and give it our best shot!

Fueling Family Thought

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Sexual revelations about their children shake most parents to the core.

Let’s face it — “our little Katie” getting naked with a boy or “our little Kevin” guzzling porn on his smart phone and chronically masturbating is an exercise that — again — most parents can’t mentally engage or never want to imagine. However, to personally witness the shock, awe, shame, and personal disappointment in themselves as they deal with a teenage sexual revelation after the fact

Read Matthew 9:35-38. How did Jesus describe what He saw? How was this diﬀerent than the disciples’ reaction to what they saw? Which is your reaction tendency? Why?

How does the idol of comfort interfere with your desire to lead your family “on mission?” What about the idols of control and convenience? Be honest with yourself.

What does my family’s “rhythm of life” look like? How is the Lord leading me to alter our “rhythm of life” to fit His agenda?

Read Joshua 1:1-9. How do I define “success” when it comes to leading my family on mission? What does the Lord say to Joshua about guaranteed success?

How can I teach my children that God can be trusted with the consequences of our obedience?

is even more painful.

A SEXUAL REVELATION

Their face says it all:

‣ What happened?

‣ How did we miss this?

‣ Why didn’t they come to me?

‣ Have I failed to pass on my values?

‣ Am I such a bad parent?

TEENS HIDING THEIR SEXUAL REALITY FROM PA R E N T S

These are the questions parents around the country are asking themselves in the wake of deeply held moral and spiritual expectations

ENGAGE

Too Little, Too Late, Too Naive Parents are notorious for taking great interest in other boys or girls connected to their kids whose beliefs and behaviors could influence them negatively. Moms know how to seamlessly blend motherly concern with counterintelligence gossip to protect the well being of their cubs. The tools and techniques of the maternal intelligence community today involve smart-phones, apps, iPads, social media stalking, and the neighborhood “momfia” network. This organization convenes under the guise of “check-in” calls, walks, church bible studies, coﬀees and yoga classes. Intel is gathered and shared, the lives of high school boys and girls are discussed, the social media posts of the same are analyzed, and the motherly equivalent of a threat assessment for their child is filed away for use later in subtle conversations over yogurt, on the ride home from practice, or at the dinner table. In this world the problem doesn’t rest with the parents, the child, or the communication between them. It rests “out there” in the culture and the relationships surrounding our kids.

Final warning: answering these questions honestly might get ugly. Our culture teaches that good parenting and family life revolves around our kids’ agendas, schedules, and priorities. Reshaping our own “life rhythms” to match the Father’s heart (and commands) is a touchy process, but a battle worth fighting. In the end, it is the one thing that really gives our children the best foundation for following Jesus sacrificially on their own. A greater investment there could not be.

BY DR. MARK A., ASSOCIATE PASTOR FOR MISSIONS AND EVANGELISM

colliding with what are, for parents, unexpected sexual revelations about their children. When attempting to counsel parents in that moment, it becomes clear to me that the approach the majority of parents are taking to sex education in the home needs a major overhaul and some new communication channels to stem the tide of sexual regret in families.

Where’s the dad you say? If one is present, he relies almost exclusively on mom’s intel and, typically, is only called in for an airstrike when maternal anxiety rises to DEFCON 4. When that happens it means one of three things for a dad: an awkward “big talk,” the taking away of a privilege, or a home confinement sentence after school! This is done with the expectation that the “message” will be sent and received by a teen resulting in behavior modification. After that is accomplished an “all clear” signal can be flashed to mama bear. The airstrike approach is a talk down approach that smart teenagers immediately read as disingenuous because most dads would rather retain their roles as King of the Castle, Good Cop, or Fun Guy versus Mommy Mercenary. Everything in dad’s body language screams: “I am here

SEPTEMBER 2015 doing this because your mom is making me do this.” Now, perhaps your home doesn’t mirror this system exactly or you may think that your approach is more proactive. But in either case, the reality is that if your child is sexually active or sexually struggling, the odds are overwhelmingly against you knowing.

communication gap. Lastly, but most importantly, it should move us to learn how to successfully open talk with our teenage sons and daughters preemptively and proactively.

So if teens are not telling their parents about their sexual reality who are they telling?

START EARLY — Regardless of age, the best way for a parent to build a healthy sexual foundation for their child is time, talk, and appropriate touch. All of these communicate love and worth and those children that have high time, high talk, and high touch from parents (especially from fathers) have a lower risk of premature sexual involvement. Loved children of all ages feel safe and that safety must be present for open communication about diﬃcult topics.

Revealing Their Sexual Struggles I recently spent time with three veteran youth workers who have been trusted by teens with their personal sexual revelations. Each of these spiritual mentors oversees large groups of boys and girls and have over 30 years combined experience in youth ministry. These leaders provided me with some shocking feedback every parent needs to hear. They also provided some critical advice for parents of teens regarding the timing and approach they should take into sexual conversations with teens. I asked each of them a few simple questions about their recent and real time experience with the sexual revelations of teens.

We discussed, unpacked, and observed the following:

‣ Twenty-two instances within the last year with 13 girls and 9 boys where they confided in their group leader about a current sexual involvement or struggle

‣ 100% of the sexual revelations by girls all concerned direct physical involvement of some kind with a boy

‣ 100% of the sexual revelations by boys all concerned viewing pornography on their smart phones, uncontrollable lust, and chronic masturbation

‣ None of the girls parents knew anything about their sexual involvement as it was happening and do not know now

‣ 1 teenage boy shared his sexual struggle with a parent as it was happening. This exchange went so poorly that he said he would not talk about sexual things again with his parents.

Let’s be clear, these were informal interviews with front line teenage troops on the ground. But I was able to draw one inescapable conclusion that was aﬃrmed by all three youth workers: teenagers are hiding their sexual reality from their moms and dads. By default this means that great parents — by the millions — are unknowingly and ignorantly missing out on the biggest and most powerful part of their child’s emotional, spiritual, & relational development in these critical years.

That hard reality should move us on every level. First, it should move us to change our approach. Second, it should move us to seek out the best resources which bridge this

Winning Communication with a Teenager

TALK OPENLY — Teens and young adults love being treated like a grown up and feel trusted when adult subjects are raised even though they are not “swimming in the deep end of the pool” just yet. They love when a parent or mentor can tell them what they can expect to see or feel as they are approaching certain biological and social crossroads that can be both awkward and scary for them. When you tell them in advance and they see or experience exactly what you predicted it makes you the trusted source for information. If they see, feel, or experience something sexually that you have never talked about with them, they are not sure if that topic is one they can put on the table with you. In that case, most young adults will err to the conservative, not want to “freak you out” and keep quiet.

TREAT THEM MATURELY — When you want to interact with a teenager about the topic of sex know this — they hate being talked down to by a parent. The reason is obvious: it is because they feel like they are growing up! So instead of making them feel like a kid, talk up to them as young as adults who are becoming men and women. Dads play an especially important role in this transition for teenagers by their confirming and aﬃrming the transition to adulthood. Dads also provide a powerful blessing when they make it a man to man discussion with sons and call them up. With daughters, dads speak powerfully into the self-worth and love-ability of daughters by aﬃrming the special and beautiful nature of young women that requires protecting them sexually.

PARENT INTENTIONALLY IN THE SEXUAL AREA – This means that there are planned grade level discussions, planned events, and planned statements or conversations about sexual development, practice, and expectations within your family and faith system. Young teens especially benefit from a planned weekend with mom or dad where, in

the context of having a blast or enjoying a favorite activity, they go through a facilitated and detailed discussion BEFORE they enter the jungle of sexual promiscuity, practice, and pressure among their peers. Again — if they have already heard about things from you and expect what’s coming, talking about it when the pressure or temptation comes will feel less awkward or shaming. I told my oldest before she went to her first high school dance two things before we dropped her oﬀ. I said, “Cara you will see kids kissing and making out as well as kids possibly using alcohol and talking and acting funny. We’ll talk about the dance when you get home.” Guess what happened? Kids were making out and some came drunk to the dance acting funny. When came home she told me all about it and thought I had a super power or a crystal ball. The lesson here is that parents who hope to be in the “know” must intentionally, preemptively, and proactively integrate sexual realities coming at their kids if you they want to have authentic sexual discussions later.

At a Christian college in Ohio, I had the task of entering these deep sexual waters with hundreds of guys and girls. More specifically, I spoke about how the guys could help the girls and the girls could help the guys in this area. When I looked into he audience I could tell by their rapt attention this topic was the one they were waiting for someone to address with them. They were paying such close attention because they were curious, sex is mysterious, and they need help handling the tension and excitement they feel on the inside from someone they trust. I talked up to them, treated them like adults, and shot straight. After the talk a long line formed mostly to say thanks for being real, talking to them like grown ups, and identifying with their struggle. Instagra Let this reception and response coach us m here. Appropriate, mature, proactive sexual discussion will lower the risk of your child having to go to someone else or, worse, hide their sexual reality from you.

Here is how you can get started:

Resource: SEX LOVE DATE PARENT STARTER PACK – A great tool which helps start the conversation about sex is deeply appreciated by both parents and teens — it takes the pressure oﬀ. Every Man Ministries has created the SEX LOVE DATE starter pack for churches and parents which does the hard work for you of getting the mind and heart prepared for healthy and interactive discussion on the real sexual issues facing teens in culture today from a practical and faith perspective.

BY KENNY LUCK, FOUNDER/PRESIDENT, EVERY MAN MINISTRIES

501 N. SHACKLEFORD RD.

LITTLE ROCK, AR 72211

O | 501.376.3071

WEB | WWW.IBCLRSTUDENTS.ORG