Jaydee Tumambing Hughes dissertation

Institute for Clinical Social Work

WhoAm I? Reflections of FilipinoAmerican Women on the Impact of Colonial Mentality and Migration on Identity

ADissertation Submitted to the Faculty of the Institute for Clinical Social Work in Partial Fulfillment for the Degree of Doctor of Philosophy

By Jaydee Tumambing

Chicago, Illinois April 12, 2024

Hughes

Table of Contents

Abstract

Acknowledgments

Chapter

I. Introduction

General Statement of Purpose

Study for Clinical Social Work

Statement of Problem and Objectives

Research Questions To Be Explored

Theoretical and Operational Definitions

Statement ofAssumptions

Epistemological Foundation

Foregrounding

II. Literature Review…………………………………………………………………..15

Introduction Theory

Historical Context of FilipinoAmericans

Colonial Mentality

Immigration

Acculturation

Intergenerational Conflict and Trauma

Model Minority

Identity and Sense of Self

Summary

Chapter Page

III. Methodology………………………………………………………………………45

Introduction

Rationale for Qualitative Research Design

Rationale for Interpretive PhenomenologicalAnalysis

Research Sample

Research Plan and Process

Data Collection

DataAnalysis

Ethical Considerations

Issues of Trustworthiness

Limitations of Study

The Researcher’s Role and Background

Chapter

IV. Findings……………………………………………………………………………..58

Introduction

Research Participants

Introduction of Themes and Categories

Life in the Philippines: It Seemed Simpler

Colonial Mentality and Its Effects: Observable at a YoungAge

Migration is not a Choice

The Role of the Mother

Identity: WhoAm I?

Chapter

V. Discussion

Introduction

Postcolonial Effects: The Insidious Nature of Colonization and Its Long Lasting

Consequences

Effects of Migration: Being a Teen was Hard Enough

Fluid Identities: Still Changing, but Filipino is What IAm

Conclusion

Clinical Implications

Study Limitations

Recommendations For Future Research

The Researcher’s Process

Appendices

A.

B.

C.

Copyright © 2024 by

Jaydee Tumambing Hughes

All rights reserved

Abstract

This phenomenological study explored the subjective and lived experiences of seven FilipinoAmerican women who migrated from the Philippines between 13-18 years of age, and between the years of 1982-1994.After 400 years of colonization and only 60 years “freed”, there are doubts about an authentic Filipino identity. There are no existing studies on the intersection of colonial mentality, migration, adolescence, and the FilipinoAmerican woman. This study centered on the reflections of seven adult Filipinas who migrated during a time of revolution in the Philippines, while they were also undergoing the changes brought about by adolescence. Identity formation was further disrupted by the trauma of migration and the acculturation process in a new country. Through the lens of postcolonial feminist theory and an agency-oriented theoretical perspective, this study focused on the depth of the effects of migration and colonization on the identity of FilipinoAmerican women. The breadth of participant reflections provided a deeper understanding of the significant impact that colonial mentality and migration have had on the identities of the Filipina participants.

Mama Hindi Kita Malilimutan. This is for you.

To my preciousAnak, you have the spirit of the Babaylan. I’m so proud of you.

To myAsawa and life partner, thank you for being my post to lean on.

Dad I did it.

My precious child created a playlist of songs that played in my mind as I wrote: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1iwGcM0UmCszxJAdWnw6AR9UVBGq73Pd

Acknowledgments

This journey began with Sanville Institute, and I cannot go without expressing my immense gratitude to the administrators, educators, and peers who reignited my passion for learning. I thank Dr. Linda Waters and Dr.Alexis Selwood for your mentorship at Sanville. My appreciation also goes to Dr. Whitney van Nouhuys for keeping the Sanville Community and spirit alive. You all willALWAYS have a special place in my heart.

Dr. Ida Roldán, you were one of the first faces I saw as I transitioned from Sanville to ICSW. When we first met, I had no idea how much your guidance would mean to me. Thank you for taking such an active part in my education and for agreeing to lead my dissertation committee. Your encouragement, nudges, and inspiration helped to keep me focused, more than you know. I would not have been able to get to this point without you. To Dr. Jacquelyn Vincson (Dr. V), you provided some of the most genuine feedback during this process, and I appreciate it. Dr. Jennifer Tolleson, in the short time that we consulted, your advice challenged me to look further, and deepened this study. Dr.Angela Song, thank you for serving as a trusted reader to this project. Dr. Denise Tsioles, thank you for your guidance throughout this process.

Many say that it takes a village, and for me, this is the truth. My family, the “TumaHughKims” kept me afloat in their individual ways, and as a whole. You are my heart.

Last, but not least, to Rafaela,Angela, Leah, Cory, Sandy, Teresa, and Maria without your contributions, this dissertation study would not have been possible. Thank you for your wholehearted stories, and for trusting me. Hindi ko kayo malilimutan.

JTH v

Introduction

General Statement of Purpose

The purpose of this interpretive phenomenological study was to explore the effects of colonial mentality on FilipinoAmerican women (Filipinas) who immigrated to the United States as adolescents. Specifically, this study examined the Filipino-American woman’s current reflections of how colonial mentality and migration as an adolescent affected her sense of self or identity

Centuries of colonization may have resulted in the Filipina’s internalized preference for anythingAmerican, while rejecting anything Filipino. Colonial mentality is the preference for anythingAmerican and denigration of one’s Filipino-ness (David & Okazaki, 2006). This phenomenological study aimed to understand how the Filipina understood her lived experiences (Smith et al., 2022) as she settled in her new country as an adolescent.

This study focused on adult Filipinas who migrated to the United States between the ages of 13 and 18. These adolescent years were highlighted because according toAkhtar (1999), it is during adolescence that the issue of identity manifests with intensity. Whereas one’s psychological difference had depended on a secure internalization of stable, parental functions (Freud, 1923; Mahler, 1958a, 1958b, 1967; Mahler et al., 1975; Settlage, 1991), becoming independent in adolescence requires a reverse process; this is the second individuation process of adolescence (Blos, 1967).AlthoughAkhtar (1999) described complications regardless of the age at migration, he reiterated the importance of a peer group with whom the adolescent can identify

while attempting to disengage with their internalized parental ways. Loss of familiar cultures and norms at the same time one is exerting autonomy from parents burdens the adolescent ego with “double mourning” (van Essen, 1999). The relevance for the Filipina is significant in how she navigated adolescence, colonial mentality, and migration into adulthood.

Significance of Study for Clinical Social Work

The NASW (2021) Code of Ethics states,

Ahistoric and defining feature of social work is the profession’s dual focus on individual well-being in a social context and the well-being of society, and that fundamental to social work is attention to the environmental forces that create, contribute to, and address problems in living. (p. 1)

Generalizations about immigrant experiences and identities disempower immigrants and lead to blind spots in treatment and research.Although Filipinos have resided in the United States since the 1700s, studies about immigration and adult immigrants’identity formation have been mostly combined with other immigrant (usuallyAsianAmerican) groups. Foster (2001) reminded clinicians of the importance of addressing historical and political settings of immigrant patients given the ways these contexts inform and shape migration experiences. Leary (2000) suggested that the most common racial enactment in psychoanalytic work has been the silence about racial issues among psychoanalysts.

It behooves social workers to look through a more empathic lens when assisting others navigate their environments and journey-factors which affect their entire being.According to Berzoff et al. (2022),

To work therapeutically with another human being, we must use multiple lenses simultaneously and address external realities: the social contexts of races, classes,

genders, ages, abilities, cultures, and sexual orientations; the biological influences of genes and brain chemistry; and the complexity of a person’s inner world. (p. 5)

The Filipina immigrant has not been fully explored in social work or in other branches of social sciences. This study helped initiate a more in-depth exploration and understanding of the Filipino American woman and immigrant.

Statement of the Problem and Objectives

The Philippines was colonized for about 400 years between Spain and the United States. The centuries of colonization guaranteed that the young Filipina was indoctrinated with Westernized beliefs before emigrating to the United States. Espiritu (2003) stated that the Filipino case highlights the ways immigrants from previously colonized nations were already colonized people while living in their homeland and are deeply affected by the United States’ influences. Then they became racialized minorities as they resided in the United States. She argued that the Filipino racialization in the United States began in the Philippines, home for Filipinos already affected by U.S. political, economic, social, and cultural influences. Filipino

historian Renato Constantino (1975) contended that through the educational policy U.S. colonizers introduced using theAmerican system as the model and English as the language of instruction the colonial education became an instrument ofAmericanization. Education became miseducation because it was used to “de-Filipinize the youth” (Espiritu, 2003, p. 26), taught them thatAmerican culture is superior to all others and thatAmerican society is the model to follow for Filipino peoples to achieve excellence. The history of U.S. colonialism in the Philippines reminds us that immigrant lives are shaped not only by the social ‘rank’of their group within their host country but also by the position of their home country within the global race order Although the Philippines gained its independence from the United States in 1946, the

United States maintained exclusive use of twenty-three specific naval and air bases rent free for ninety nine years (Espiritu, 2003), which meant thatAmericans continued to reside in the Philippines. Espiritu (2003) strongly reiterated the necessity of more studies specific to Filipino women immigrants due to the deficiency in understanding their diverse experiences because they settled in the United States after spending much of their childhood in a colonized country. Children who grew up in the Philippines have been exposed toAmerican values, and unbeknownst to them, the Indigenous Filipino beliefs and way of life have been destroyed, stolen, and diluted.

Prior to Spanish colonization and the subsequent purchase of the Philippines by the United States, Indigenous Filipinos were diverse in their governments, spiritual beliefs, traditions, and values (Agoncillo, 1974; Tuazon et al., 2019).According to Nadal (2004), the Filipino culture is a blend of the aboriginal Pilipino roots; Spanish andAmerican cultures; and traces of Malay, Muslim, EastAsian, Pacific Islander, and Indonesian influences. In large part due to the mix of cultures in the Philippines, the Filipino people are markedly different from otherAsian groups. Filipino women are more likely to work outside of the home compared to otherAsian women (Nadal, 2004). Napholz and Mo (2010) stated that traditional (more indigenous) Filipino cultural values and beliefs not only encouraged but expected women to work outside of the home. Filipinas have not been taught to be submissive or passive but to excel in education and leadership. However, given the Spanish influence in the Philippines, it is still a predominantly Catholic culture, which has informed much of the Filipino belief system. Although the Filipino culture has generally deemphasized age hierarchy and patriarchal authority due to colonization by the United States, Filipino family dynamics continue to be more hierarchical, gender based, and strongly interdependent than those of White families high

parental control and emphasis on family indebtedness remain evident, especially among Filipina youth (Choi, Kim et al., 2018). Therefore, as the FilipinoAmerican woman navigates the overlapping and conflicting roles in her inner circles and the external world, it is unsurprising that she struggles with her sense of self as an adult.

The paucity of studies exploring issues related to specific immigrant groups calls for further research on FilipinoAmerican women, who reside in large numbers in the United States. It is not that literature about Filipinos and immigration is nonexistent. It is that the literature fails to capture the diversity of FilipinoAmerican women in their own right. The objective of this study was to highlight the ways that migration and colonization have affected the Filipina American’s sense of self as she experienced the cultural differences between her homeland and her new country. Espiritu (2003) wrote about “Home Making”, which is the way that diverse people make themselves at home in different places. She paid particular attention to the problematic relationship that women have with Home as immigrant partners, as secondgeneration daughters, and as women of color (more specifically, Filipinas) in a White, patriarchal society. Espiritu (2003) further stated that in the United States, Filipino women do not feel at home, because they are not White or male. This is in large part because the United States defines nationalism with whiteness and patriarchy as the standards. The definition of “lost in transition” suggests grievances beyond geography and can perhaps be permanent for Filipinas.

According to the 2000 U.S. Census, 1,800,000 Filipinos resided in the United States, comprising the second-largest immigrant group and the second-largest AsianAmerican group in the United States (Espiritu, 2003; Napholz & Mo, 2010). In 2012, the U.S. Census reported almost double the number of Filipinos in the United States at 3,400,000. Some studies have reported that Filipinos are the fourth-largest immigrant group in the United States behind those

from Mexico, China, and India (dela Cruz et al., 2017). Despite their numbers in the United States, FilipinoAmericans are one of the least understood and researched groups (Heras & Revilla, 1994). Furthermore, Filipinos’underrepresentation is hidden in census numbers that aggregate people from manyAsian cultures (Napholz & Mo, 2010).As another important distinction, early labor migration consisted predominantly of men, but due to the changing labor economy, women now outnumber men (Straiton et al., 2017).As the Filipino population continues to increase in the United States, it is necessary to understand the diverse experiences of this immigrant group, specifically FilipinoAmerican women, whose struggles tend to be integrated with Filipino men and otherAsianAmerican women.Although this study did not intend to prioritize importance among underprivileged groups, it aspired to draw attention to the often minimized Filipina process.

Most research has focused on general immigrant experiences and some aspects of ethnic immigrant groups. Due to a lack of a nationally representative sample, most research about immigrants has focused primarily on adults although by 1997, nearly 20% of allAmerican children were either immigrants or the children of immigrants (Harker, 2001). According to Ying and Han (2008), FilipinoAmericans constitute a diverse group: 68% are immigrants, and 67% of their youth are children of immigrants. There is scarce research that addresses the relationship between acculturation and young immigrants’mental and emotional well-being, indicating a significant gap in our knowledge about young immigrants and their ability to adjust in the American society (Harker, 2001).As Filipinas who migrated as teens “adapted” toAmerican society, many may have established their own families and communities, and their experiences are still unknown.According to Kiang et al. (2016), the subsequent adaptation and acculturation of immigrant families depend largely on their premigration circumstances as well as their post

migration contexts. These contexts are typically studied separately with little known about the immigrant’s defining and entire experience.

According to Akhtar (1995), Immigration from one country to another is a complex psychosocial process with lasting effects on an individual’s identity. The dynamic shifts, resulting from an admixture of “culture shock” and mourning over the losses inherent in migration, gradually give way to psychostructural change and the emergence of a hybrid identity. (p. 1051)

Akhtar (1995) stated the losses inherent in immigration eventually cause a constant state of flux in an individual’s identity development.As Filipinas attempt to navigate the complications of living in their new country, they must also undergo personal and community changes. Erikson (1968) and Marcia (1980) noted the importance of identity development in adolescence, but Erikson (1968) observed the ongoing nature of identity development throughout adulthood, as changes occur in the lives of adults (Tuazon et al., 2019).Although researchers have conducted numerous studies that explore the identity development ofAsian and Pacific Islander groups, such as Nadal’s (2004) F/Pilipino Identity Development Model, no studies have been conducted specifically on Filipino women’s identity development. Because identity development is disrupted by the trauma of immigration and colonization, adulthood is even more difficult to navigate. Berzoff et al. (2022) cited White (2002), reminding us that people of color cannot be themselves if they are to survive the White world they have to speak and carry themselves differently. They must be different from their authentic self, and the cost is hefty. We have to wonder whether the Filipina can be her authentic self in the United States as demands to “straddle lines” have been internalized.

The distinctive quality of the FilipinoAmerican woman is diluted because she is typically classified as Asian and Pacific Islander, which places her in one of the ethnic groups assigned with more than one classification Furthermore, her identity is affected by the standards of being American. There are some concepts in the Filipino language that were particularly important for this study: kapwa, which is the beautiful essence of how the self is connected to others in unity, and pakikisama, which is the desire for social acceptance, hence the desire to be a part of the collective whole. Hiya, or loss of face/shame, is the result of one’s inability to represent herself and her family in the most honorable way possible. Utang na loob is an extended feeling of obligation following a favor(s) provided, but the sense of obligation comes from a true desire for reciprocity as opposed to a literal sense of obligation. This feeling is also reiterated between the younger generation and elders, as a way to honor what has been passed down and provided. These concepts exemplified the internal struggle that developed as the Filipina attempted to establish her sense of self or identity while she honored the collective whole as part of her Filipino culture while residing in the individualistic United States.

Research Questions to be Explored

1. How does Colonial Mentality affect the adult Filipina’s sense of self or identity while she lives in the United States?

a. What are her reflections as an adult on these effects?

2. How does migration during adolescence affect the Filipina’s sense of self or identity as an adult living in the United States?

a. What are her reflections as an adult on these effects?

Theoretical and Operational Definitions

1. FilipinoAmerican woman/Filipina: identifiers used interchangeably throughout this study. They refer to women who reside in the United States and are of Filipino descent or ancestry. Specifically, they were born in the Philippines, with ancestors indigenous to the Philippine Islands, and spent their childhood until the beginning of their adolescence in the Philippines, and they currently reside in the United States.

2. Adolescents: for the purposes of this study, adolescents are persons between the ages of 13 and 18.

3. Colonial mentality: a form of internalized oppression characterized by a preference for anythingAmerican and rejection of anything Filipino (David & Okazaki, 2006).

4. Identity: TheAmerican PsychologicalAssociation (APA) defines identity as an individual’s sense of self defined by (a) a set of physical, psychological, and interpersonal characteristics that is not wholly shared with any other person and (b) a range of affiliations (e.g., ethnicity) and social roles. Identity involves a sense of continuity or the feeling that one is the same person today as yesterday or last year (despite physical or other changes). Such a sense is derived from one’s body sensations; one’s body image; and the feeling that one’s memories, goals, values, expectations, and beliefs belong to the self. (www.apa.org)

5. TheAmerican PsychologicalAssociation (APA) also included one’s self image as part of identity, defined as “one’s view or concept of oneself. It is a crucial aspect of an individual’s personality that can determine the success of relationships and a sense of general well-being” (www.apa.org.). For the purposes of this study, identity and sense of self are used interchangeably.

6. Acculturation: the extent to which one incorporates or repudiates aspects of the new culture in relation to the self (Ainslie et al., 2013).

7. Kapwa: fellow being.As the core value of the Filipino personality, kapwa is not used in opposition to the self and does not recognize the self as a separate identity. Rather, kapwa is the unity of the self and others and implies a shared identity or inner self (Nadal, 2004).

8. Hiya: means loss of face or shame. The goal of the Filipino is to represent themselves and their family in the most honorable way possible. The avoidance of hiya, or shame, may sometimes result in the Filipino’s inability to recognize emotional or mental issues (Nadal, 2004).

9. Pakikisama: social acceptance, the achievement of status and power, and getting along with the group. The Filipino will thrive on acceptance of those surrounding them, always wanting to be a member of the group or community. They will also be encouraged to gain status and power through education, entertainment, or politics. The Filipino will be at their best mentally when they are socially accepted and socially celebrated at the same time (Nadal, 2004).

10. Utang na loob: an extended form of gratitude and reciprocity, allowing for meaningful connections and instilled in one’s life.

Statement ofAssumptions

There were a few assumptions in this study. One is that the migration process of the FilipinoAmerican woman during adolescence had significant impact on her sense of self or identity as an adult. The second assumption was that due to previous colonization of the Philippines, the Filipina felt especially “lost in transition” and subsequently struggled as an adult in the United States. Her struggles evident in her sense of self or identity as she navigated

through them in adulthood. Last, this study assumed that the Filipina’s experiences were unique, unlike in previous and current studies, which typically combined her experiences with those of FilipinoAmerican men or otherAsianAmerican women.

Epistemological Foundation

This phenomenological research project was grounded in the hermeneutic research tradition with social constructionist assumptions. I was not seeking to uncover the single objective truth about the Filipina experience and identity. Rather, I was seeking out how Filipino American women made meaning of their experiences as they navigated their social environments. Social constructionism proposes that our social relationships greatly define and influence how we see and understand the world (Gergen, 2015). One’s understanding of oneself will also be altered. The social constructivist worldview posits that desire to understand their world, and develop their subjective experiential definitions (Cresswell, 2009). I wondered about the Filipina and how she navigated life in the United States after living in the social environment of the previously colonized Philippines.

Hermeneutic research focuses on research participants’lived experience. It is an interpretive process. This study attempted to understand the multiple realities of the participants’ experiences, with consideration of colonial mentality and the Filipina’s migration journey. According to Smith et al. (2022), “The interpretation of people’s meaning making activities is central to phenomenological inquiry in psychology” (p. 3).

Interpretive phenomenological analysis is a qualitative research approach committed to the examination of how people make sense of their significant life experiences and is concerned with exploring experiences in its own terms (Smith et al., 2022). The objective of this study was not to prove generalizability or develop empirical claims but it explored the subjective meaning

of the FilipinoAmerican woman’s experiences. The meaning of her experiences is socially constructed and embedded in her cultural background and psychological makeup.

Last, to understand the data collected for this study, I employed Espiritu’s (2003) use of “an agency-oriented theoretical perspective,” which explains Filipino women as simultaneously colonized, national, immigrant, racialized minorities; how they are transformed through the experience of colonialism and migration; and how they in turn transform and remake the social world around them.Additionally, postcolonial feminist theory was utilized as a theoretical base for this study. Tyagi (2014) claimed Postcolonial Feminist Theory is primarily concerned with the representation of women in once colonized countries and in Western locations. It focuses on construction of gender differences in colonial and anticolonial discussions as well as the representation of women in anticolonial and postcolonial discourses. The FilipinoAmerican woman’s identity is assumed to have been affected, not only by migration during the pivotal period of adolescence but also as she navigated colonization, racism, and sexism.

Foregrounding

I was spellbound as I read Hong’s (2021) book Minor Feelings: An Asian American Reckoning, which is part memoir, part prose, and part historical description. The story had many parallels to my journey. She stated,

I was never satisfied with those immigrant talking points about “not belonging” and “the sense of in-betweenness.” It seemed rigid and rudimentary, like I just need the right GPS coordinates to find myself. But I also understand the impulse to search for some origin myth of the self, even if it’s shaped by stories told to us, which is why I keep returning to Seoul in my memories, to historical facts that are obscure to most and obvious to few, to try to find better vantage points to justify my feelings here. In Seoul, I still found myself

cleaved, but at least it wasn’t reduced to broadAmerican talking points, at least the “arsenal of complexes” that Frantz Fanon talks about was laid bare. (p. 196)

For the first time since I left the Philippines as a teen, I recently visited and stayed for a few weeks. I no longer wandered in my memories, searching for my origin. I found parts of me there.

I am a FilipinaAmerican immigrant, raised in the Philippines until I was 13. In the Philippines, our family had a high socioeconomic status, but that changed in the United States when my parents became working class people due to the lack of promised opportunities, employment changes, and what I did not then recognize as racism and discrimination. We migrated in 1986, when the United States seemed to be in the middle of a sociocultural phenomenon (e.g., capitalism, domestic and international wars) and the Philippines was also undergoing political mayhem. Before we departed for the United States, there were no conversations about the reasons for migrating, so I assumed that it was for my father’s work and there were no other options. It felt like an incredibly quick transition, with no emotional preparation to leave our home, our history, and our extended families behind.

Not until my adulthood, specifically my 40s, did I really reflect on my adolescence and the reasons I felt displaced, lost, and confused although I had some interest in exploring these feelings in my early postgraduate studies. There were many things I could not remember about my migration process, and I did not truly feel connected to the first-generation FilipinoAmerican woman that was an assigned part of my identity. I am certain this is partly because these definitions do not comprehensively and richly describe my full self or my experiences.

Espiritu (2003) reported that people relocate with more than just their properties. They carry their memories with them. I often wonder about my limited memory of journeying across the ocean, how much it was affected by my age, and how much the limitation was due to the

traumatic experiences of migration and what felt like forced assimilation. Growing up, I thought that to feel a sense of belonging, I had to assimilate to the White culture, rebel against it, or choose other marginalized groups that isolated me from Filipinos and WhiteAmericans. I did not feel Filipino enough to belong with other Filipinos, and I could not get White enough.Although I described my process as straddling an invisible line, partAmerican and part Filipina, not until middle adulthood did I begin to embrace the Filipino part of me genuinely.

Becoming an adult has been a disorienting process as I attempt to make sense of my upbringing in a hostile environment. Becoming comfortable with my current self has not been an easy process.As I became more involved in cultural studies, I met other Filipinas who seemed to feel the same loss and disorientation that I had, and it reignited my desire to explore Filipino women’s reflections As a mother, a life partner and wife, an auntie, a professional, a colleague, an advocate, and a friend, I think about these identities and how they have been shaped by my journey to a land that promised to hold me and has failed to do so.

Chapter 2

Literature Review

Introduction

As noted in the previous chapter, the lived experiences of Filipinas have not been clearly narrated and described in the current literature. Specifically, the lives of Filipina immigrants, including their sense of self and identity, are sparse and tend to be limited to certain topics, and they are rarely intersectional. Furthermore, for as long as Filipinos have resided in the United States, their experiences have not been comprehensively explored and are oftentimes merged with otherAsianAmericans.

The goal of this chapter is to highlight certain subjects that seem relevant to describing the experience of the Filipina. This chapter begins with the theoretical base of this study. It is then followed by some historical context of FilipinoAmericans, which describes the colonization of the Indigenous Filipino people, resulting in colonial mentality.Aspects of immigration are included as they relate to FilipinoAmericans, specifically FilipinoAmerican women. Due to the effects of acculturation, intergenerational conflict, and trauma on FilipinoAmerican women, this chapter also covers these topics. Finally, identity and a sense of self, utilized interchangeably for the purposes of this study, are explored as they relate to the Filipina.

Theory

Only in more recent times has psychoanalytic theory considered the importance of race, ethnicity, and culture in research and clinical practice. There is a clear invisibility of issues

involving communities of color, specifically women of color, within the psychoanalytic realm.

Kathleen Pogue White (2002) stated the following:

Not only does our theory teach us about hate, but if we converse with one another about our experiences of hatred, we may demystify it, and that may allow us to inform and enliven psychoanalytic theory about hatred, and may even ameliorate the effects of hating and being hated within ourselves. We would undertake this piece of work on behalf of our patients. In a small way, we would also undertake it on behalf of the global community, where the monstrous results of hatred proliferate. (p. 401).

FilipinoAmerican women are women of color, with different cultures, traditions, and circumstances that affect their experiences and struggles. The basis in which we understand their struggles, which includes internalized hatred, is pertinent to the expansion of research and clinical practice. In the book Centennial Crossings, Mangahas and Llaguno (2006) suggested that perhaps Western theories cannot representAsians in the United States because they do not useAsian experiences and cultural resources to describe lives and stories. They further suggested the importance of theorizing from withinAsian cultures for more succinct representation of experiences. In an attempt to more thoroughly understand the FilipinoAmerican woman’s experiences through this study, I alluded to psychoanalytical aspects and concepts as they may relate to the Filipina. However, I utilized postcolonial feminist theory and an agency-oriented theoretical perspective as the foundation for this research.

Tomicic and Berardi (2018) quoted Okazaki et al. (2008) in stating the following: There is enormous social, psychological, and infrastructural work in producing the colonized person. Thus, a postcolonial consideration of contemporary individuals needs to consider the effects of that psychological and institutional infrastructure into the

present day. Here, we can think of the often wholesale degradation of the “native” culture or practices, or again, of what it means that concepts of the “modern” often entail the dismissal of local practices and ideas. In this way, it is critical for psychology to be attentive to colonial discourses and their legacies in order to appreciate the effects of the discursive regimes that made postcolonial subjects. (p. 155).

Postcolonial feminism recognizes that colonized women have larger struggles against the double inferiority of colonization and patriarchy (Straiton et al., 2018). Double colonization (originally coined by Kirsten Holst Peterson andAnna Rutherfold) refers to the ways that women have simultaneously experienced the oppressive effects of colonialism and patriarchy.

Postcolonial feminist theory is primarily concerned with the representation of women in oncecolonized and Western countries (Tyagi, 2014). It further exemplifies the labor of the Filipina with her colonized brother as part of her “oppressor.” Furthermore, she also suffers at the hands of Western feminists (supposed “sisters”) who impose silence on her racial, cultural, social, and political parts. This theory focuses on developing literature and discourse that assist in reiterating the colonized woman’s identity, as she reclaims her past in her present being.

In part challenging the limitations of postcolonial theories, Yen Le Espiritu (2003) described an agency-oriented theoretical perspective (Smith, 2001) as one that essentially connect economics and geographical changes to smaller networks wherein people exist in their daily lives. Espiritu (2003) stated this perspective as apropos to the Filipino people who are colonized, national, immigrant, racialized minorities. In addition, Espiritu discussed how they are transformed through their experiences of colonialism and migration and, in turn, how they transform and remake the world around them. She further specified this definition by describing the impact of transnationalism on Filipino lives, which extends beyond borders and is shaped as

much by their memories of and ties to the Philippines as by their social, economic, and political contexts in the United States.

This time upon us is that of women, healing, and memory.Among the Indigenous women of Peru, there is a Quechua term, Nayra pacha, which means both “the future” and “remembering the past”; one implies the other. In Tagalog (the main language used in the Philippines), this translates to “ang pagalala sa kasaysayan ay siya ring pagalala sa hinaharap” (Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006, p. 70). Our memory as Pilipino (the more traditional spelling as there is no F in the Filipino alphabet) women and the essence of who we were prior to colonization can serve us today. The theory in which we explore the lives of FilipinoAmerican women must include consideration of where they have been, where they are now, and where they may be in the future.

Historical Context of FilipinoAmericans

Although there is extensive academic data on the history of colonization of the Philippines, a limited amount of scholarly research has been done on precolonial Pilipinos. This is no doubt in part due to the encouraged destruction of artifacts and Indigenous records by the Spaniards who wanted to establish Catholicism in the Philippines (Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006).

Reiterating the importance of the woman in the precolonized Philippines, in the barangays or precolonial communities, the babaylans were considered the spiritual and cultural guardians. The babaylans, who were mostly elderly women, were among the consistently reported members of the community, along with the nobles, freemen, or dependents (Bautista, 1988).Another study featured the datu the political and administrative power and the panday blacksmiths who symbolized the artisans and traders in the community (Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006). The

babaylan were known to be enlightened guardians, and one named Cariapa was recorded by the Jesuits during a [translated] chant:

This land will be changed,

Other people will possess it,

With another culture, other practices; This town is to be utterly destroyed.

The province with the rest of the islands are to be subjugated.

The babaylans, who are the Pilipina’s foremothers, were the last to surrender to the Spaniards, and they led some of the earliest and most violent oppositions to colonization and Christianization (Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006). The precolonial, Indigenous Pilipinos wanted to maintain a society revolving around kinship ties and not economic pursuits a society wherein prestige, status, and power were based on age rather than gender (Bautista, 1988). The U.S. Bureau of Census (1905, p. 500) documented an amount of liberty given to Pilipino women that could not be equaled by women in Eastern countries, and their role in politics were distinguished. The equality between the Indigenous Pilipino men and women was further recognized in precolonial language that did not assign gender. For example, siya is used to refer to he or she when referring to a third person. Anak (child), asawa (spouse), and apo (grandchild), were also utilized and did not refer to a specific gender. It was considered most respectful when one spoke in third person. In relation to language and forced obsolescence, according to Jeanylyn Lopez (2021), the more gender-neutral Babayin was one of the writing systems used by Pilipinos, also studied by the Spaniards in order to communicate with the Pilipinos and teach

Catholicism.Afterwards, the Roman alphabet was introduced and the use of the Baybayin began to disappear.

Spanish rule and expansion in the Philippines (1564–1898) were primarily geared toward Christian conversion and territorial acquisition (Bautista, 1988; Phelan, 1967, p. 4). Interestingly, Filipinos, as slaves, have resided in what is now called California since the late 1500s due to Spain’s facilitated and extensive cultural exchange between Mexico and the Philippines, which lasted three centuries (as long as Spain colonized the Philippines). Under Spanish rule, the Indigenous Pilipino customs and way of life were decimated and replaced by Western practices.

One primary change made by the Spaniards was a resettlement, which introduced new symbols of wealth such as land ownership and education (Bautista, 1988). Roces (2015) contended the introduction of Catholicism as one of the most impactful and ongoing effects of Spanish rule. The education with Catholicism introduced male and female roles. Man was a public being, whereas woman was a private being (Ortega, 1963; U.S. Bureau of Census, 1905). The babaylan’s spiritual responsibilities were quickly assumed by the Catholic priests in established churches. Interestingly, the disparity in the roles of Filipino men and women became apparent only in the cacique or upper class established within the new resettlement in order to further enhance the upper-class status. The Filipino woman was subordinate to her husband; she held no power in decision-making within the family system, so a double standard arose (women were expected to be pure, whereas men were allowed to have extramarital affairs). In addition, the woman’s education was limited to more domestic areas, whereas men’s education was extended to superior education in law and medicine.

Following over three centuries of Spanish rule and a series of Filipino uprisings, the United States bought the Philippines for $20,000,000 during the Treaty of Paris in 1898,

resulting in the Philippines–American War, that lasted until 1902 (Tuazon et al., 2019); the war resulted in millions of deaths of mostly Filipinos and led to the U.S. colonization of the Philippines (Espiritu, 2003).American rule brought about the introduction of public education, the development of the country’s infrastructure, and the gradual industrialization of the Philippines (Bautista, 1988). Under the guise of “benevolent assimilation,”Americans used cultural imperialism to subjugate the native population, establishing U.S.-style schools and English as a mode of instruction and national language (Ocampo, 2014). While the Spaniards redefined male and female roles, U.S. colonization with its more liberal slant made it easier for Filipinos to accept the presence of women in higher education, politics, and the workplace because these concepts were more congruent with their Indigenous peoples. U.S. colonial policies granted Filipinos the status of U.S. nationals to facilitate large-scale migration of predominantly male laborers to low-wage agricultural and factory work. Interestingly, given the resistance and violence of locals in the United States, laws were subsequently established to control the number of migrants allowed into the country (e.g., Tydings-McDuffieAct of 1936, Hart-CellarAct of 1965).Although the Philippines gained its independence from the United States in 1946, theAmerican way of living persisted. Masculine and feminine roles established by Western society have persisted. The impact of theAmerican educational system, the English language, American media, and postcolonial ties reinforced an image ofAmerica as the ideal country to visit, study, or settle in (Roces, 2015). Overall, the post-1965 Filipino immigrants constituted a relatively affluent group: In the 1990s, more than half joined the ranks of managers and professionals, with a median household income that exceeded that of allAmericans, even Whites, and their percentage of college graduates surpassed those of Whites (Espiritu, 2003). It seems that this level of relative success for Filipino immigrants has reinforced the resistance to

study the effects of centuries of colonization on the Filipino people.Additionally, many Filipinos still believe that so much is owed to the United States, as they were “rescued” from the traditions of Spain and the Japanese occupation.

Colonial Mentality

European empire colonization ofAsian countries began as early as 1511 for economic, political, cultural, and religious expansion. European countries wanted to conquer as many “uncivilized lands” as possible for dominance and prestige (Nadal, 2011). Because the Philippines was colonized for about 400 years by Spain and the United States, which brought changes in religion, education, language, politics, and ideology to the Philippines, one would not expect Filipino culture to be an archetype ofAsian culture (Agbayani-Siewert, 2004).Although it has been free of colonialism for over 60 years, the impressions of colonialism are still impactful, particularly through religion, educational systems, culture, language, values, and standards of beauty (e.g., lighter skin tone, straight hair, tall noses). These impressions have impacted the overall health of Filipinos and FilipinoAmericans, particularly their self-esteem, worldviews, and interpersonal relationships (Nadal, 2011).

Historian Fred Cordova (1983) argued that colonialism and cultural destruction have contributed to the confusion as to what constitutes an authentic Filipino culture and identity. This is believed to lead FilipinoAmericans to conclude that there is no authentic Filipino identity or culture to be proud of, and it may lead to the perception of inferiority toward anything Filipino or colonial mentality (David & Nadal, 2013). Colonial mentality is something that Filipinos develop following centuries of colonization, which is defined as a form of internalized oppression, in which the colonizer’s beliefs and values are accepted by the colonized as their own. Colonial mentality includes an indiscriminating rejection of anything Filipino and an

unquestioning preference for anythingAmerican, which can affect Filipinos and Filipino Americans (Nadal, 2011).

According to Thomas-Brown and Campos (2016), Filipinos are plagued with a form of colonial mentality due to the archipelago’s history of occupation that left it with colonial institutions and infrastructure. Literature examining the idea of internalized racial oppression has explained that colonized and oppressed people question their identity, often believe that they are inferior given the history of their social conditions, and exude self-doubt and self-hatred because of the consistency of labeling, disparagement, and stigmatization (Trieu, 2019). During the American colonization of the Philippines, Filipinos were encouraged, essentially forced, to replace their native identities withAmerican identities, to include changing their names, English becoming their primary language, pledging allegiance to the U.S. flag, and being called Americans’“little brown brothers” (Nadal, 2011). This prolonged “Americanization” led Filipinos to cultivate an attitude of self-hate and cultural apathy, and the ways of the United States may have been viewed as superior (David & Okazaki, 2006; Thomas-Brown & Campos, 2016).

According to David and Nadal (2013), although there are no known empirical studies in psychology that specifically investigate whether colonialism and its effects have influenced the psychological experiences of FilipinoAmerican immigrants prior to their arrival to the United States, the prolonged “American way of life” in the Philippines seemed to suggest that colonial mentality and its effects extend to Filipino lives outside of the Philippines. They also argued that colonial mentality seems to be the most insidious psychological legacy and consequence of colonialism. For many Filipinos, coming toAmerica meant the fulfillment of a lifelong dream (David & Nadal, 2013; Rodriguez, 1997), one coming from the idea that theAmerican way is the

“right way”. Yen Le Espiritu (2003) warned us that the voluntary immigrant narrative, wherein individuals choose to leave their home countries for better opportunities in America, may not be completely accurate for the Filipino experience because their way of thinking may already have been shaped by centuries of colonization. The typical immigration paradigm in psychology suggests that acculturation and stress begin once immigrants arrive in their host or new country, but this may not be accurate for Filipinos whose acculturation process began in the Philippines. This part of colonial mentality includes gendered patterns of immigration and the less studied effects of migration on adolescents from colonized countries.

Immigration

The topic of immigration has been widely explored and investigated in various branches of study. However, these studies are still unable to capture the specific experiences of Filipino American women who migrated to the United States as adolescents, with colonial mentality assumed from centuries of colonization. Because this research focused on adolescent migration and its possible effects on the Filipina’s identity, immigration related to adolescence, gender, race, and ethnicity are highlighted in this literature review.

Adolescence on its own can be an extremely chaotic stage of life. Immigrant adolescents of color face the more daunting task of negotiating their identity formation with the “newness” of life in a different country.According toAkhtar (1999ab, 1995), leaving one’s country involves overwhelming losses. One gives up familiar food, native music, social customs, and even one’s native language. The new country offers strange food, new customs, unfamiliar songs, unknown heroes, at times a new language, and an unfamiliar landscape. These losses were particularly complicated for the adolescent Filipinas, whom we assume were deeply inculcated with the American way of life, migrated to the United States similar to exiles without a choice, but

possibly with expectations that not much would change considering their exposure to the American way in the Philippines.Akhtar (1999a) described several ways that the trauma and losses of migration are applicable to the adolescent. He stated that one who has to leave the country of origin against their will feels differently. The sudden departure and inability to say goodbye to one’s land, community, and especially peers prevent anticipatory mourning, and it complicates subsequent adaptation. If the adolescent’s peer group is not sustained or requires formation during the same time of mourning, loss of familiar culture, and exertion of autonomy from parents, the adolescent undergoes “double mourning” (van Essen, 1999), and identity is compromised. Immigrant youth are typically torn and caught between two worlds, which highlights the culture clash (Ngo, 2008) that adolescents must negotiate. Immigrant children and youth seem to lack meaningful connections to their old world, which affects our ability to fully understand their ability to “adapt” in their new country (Zhou, 1997).An aspect of adolescent migration that has not been specifically differentiated is related to the youth’s gender, and it should, as gender-related differences in immigration are applied to adults.

Gender is another psychosocial variable that Akhtar (1999a) stated as pertinent to the outcome of one’s migration. He reported that although women suffer the pain of loss and nostalgia, their overall adjustment seems better compared to men. Women seem to have more meaningful connections and seem to have a greater acceptance of their new homeland. However, other researchers have reported that in addition to having different migratory experiences than men, women face a greater social disadvantage, are at higher risk of exploitation and abuse, experience poorer socioeconomic conditions, and are more socially isolated (Straiton et al., 2018). These conflicting studies on women and migration encourage more rigorous exploration.

According to Espiritu (2003), recent migration is dominated by women, as opposed to pre-World War IIAsian immigration. During the 1960s, two-thirds of the immigrants from the Philippines were women. The dual goals of the 1965 ImmigrationAct to facilitate family reunification and to admit workers with special job skills have produced a stream of femaledominated arrival. The feminization of migration is now more recognized in literature, but what remains is the precarious nature of women’s work, gender ideologies, and the systemic exploitation and abuse of women (Sim, 2009). Women not only differ in their opportunities to migrate but also in their subsequent settlement in the United States. Many women migrate as wives and mothers, others as refugees, and a small number migrate as high-skilled workers (Read & Cohen, 2007). Regardless of their opportunities or educational attainment, as well as their skill, women may remain out of the labor force to fulfill cultural obligations in the home.

According to Sandhu (1997), althoughAsian and Pacific Islander (API) immigrants, both men and women, have been historically subjected to discrimination, poverty, and psychological problems,API women experiences after migration provide unique perspectives that add to their challenges. API women, including Filipinas, exist in settings marked not only by racial discrimination, class divisions, and psychological problems but also patriarchal traditions and strict-gender roles.AlthoughAmerican colonization of the Filipina seems to present a more egalitarian relationship between Filipino men and women, she still has to contend with the fact that she is neither male nor White.

Race and ethnicity are increasingly in need of our attention, given the fact that the majority of immigrants today are non-White and non-European (Ainslie et al., 2013). Furthermore, historically and with contemporary immigrants, there is disruption in the hope for the “American dream”, felt as betrayal from the new country and the country of origin (Togashi,

2007), experienced through racism and discrimination. Eng and Han (2000) eloquently described the experience of racial melancholia as the result of the problematic assimilation and racialization processes faced byAsian immigrants in the United States. They further proposed that manyAsian immigrants and subsequent generations may not fully mourn their losses during the migration process because they also have to contend with their new cultural context in which the ideal of whiteness is unattainable (Ainslie et al., 2013).Akhtar (1999a) described the reception by the host population as a psychosocial variable that determines the outcome of migration for immigrants. The reception by the host population, the immigrant’s existing community, the time of migration, and the preexisting ties between the host and native country have great importance to the immigrant.

Reiterating Espiritu’s (2003) challenge of the “voluntary immigrant” narrative, Mangahas and Llaguno (2006) described the Filipino diaspora as possibly involuntary as it may have been driven by an unconscious desire to live in the “master’s house” or driven by undesirable forces of globalization, powerfully established by colonial miseducation.According to David and Nadal (2013), Filipinos have one of the longest histories of immigration to the United States dating back to 1587, when Filipino slaves aboard the Spanish galleon ships landed in what is now called Morro Bay, California. Sadly, for as long as Filipinos have resided in the United States, the paucity of information about Filipino immigrants in the United States has fueled the notion of “forgottenAsian Americans” by writers such as Cordova (1983), Cimmrarusti (1996), and David and Okazaki (2006) because little is known about their specific immigrant experiences (ThomasBrown & Campos, 2016). In her book Home Bound, Yen Le Espiritu (2003) painfully depicted the FilipinoAmerican immigration narrative. She insisted that the study of the Filipino migration to the United States must begin with the “migration” of theAmericans to the Philippines,

crossing borders first. She calls attention to the multiple directions of border crossings forged by colonization, decolonization, globalization, and capitalism. Furthermore, she pointed out that given the relative occupational, educational, and class advantages of Filipinos in the United States, the Filipino migration is often called an immigrant success story. However, the “immigrant success story” and the “immigrant menace story” reinforce color-blind myths that promote cultural beliefs in innate racial difference, thus preventing us from digging more deeply and seeking institutional explanations for social inequality.

Acculturation

When exploring acculturation, we consider premigration trauma as a possible and important source for stress proliferation, exacerbated by subsequent stressors in the postmigration context. These stressors may emerge in the different aspects of the life of an already vulnerable immigrant and can result in acculturative stress (Li, 2016).According to Ainslie (2013, 1998), immigrants mourn people, places, and culture, which lead to strategies developed in order to repair, deny, or reduce the immigrant’s sense of loss. Berry (1990) examined the impact of migration on psychological processes, social behaviors, and individual experiences. Individuals’way of coping was classified into four possible categories based on their acculturation attitudes: assimilation (identification mostly with the host/majority culture), integration (identification with both cultures), separation (identification mostly with culture of origin), or marginalization (low identification with both cultures). The individual’s identification can predict overall health, and studies differ in predicting outcomes. It is important to note that age and gender are differentially associated with the rates and patterns of acculturation.

Younger age at the time of migration can presumably predict more rapid acculturation in comparison to older immigrants who tend to be more resistant. Adolescents from immigrant

families often acculturate faster than their immigrant parents, favoring the norms of their new culture to a greater extent than their parents, which can activate intergenerational conflict (Chao & Otsuki-Clutter, 2011).Although research has increased about adolescent adaptation, acculturation, and general psychological well-being, there is a deficit of studies comparing nonAsian andAsianAmerican adolescents (Rhee et al., 2003). ForAsianAmerican adolescents, important dimensions of acculturation are adherence toAsian versus EuropeanAmerican cultural values, where values mean attitudes about what one thinks is desirable (Atkinson, 2004; Omizo et al., 2008).Additionally, amongAsianAmerican adolescents, positive development is associated with the retention of native language and identification with one’s ethnicity (Choi, Park, et al., 2018).

Although FilipinoAmerican adolescents are included in the studies that attempt to explicate theAsian American acculturation process, important nuances and details are mostly omitted. Many studies on FilipinoAmerican youth are focused on the second-generation Filipinos/as (born in the United States from immigrant parents), and even those studies continue to require more specific exploration. Heras and Revilla (1994) cited many issues faced by FilipinoAmerican youth (high school and college drop outs, gang affiliation, teenage pregnancies) accompanied by individual and family distress, as a result of the acculturation process. Filipinos have been inculcated with the U.S. political and cultural ideas of individualism, self-reliance, and equality (Agbayani-Siewert, 2004). This conflicts with the other important cultural variables also valued by the Filipino people, including the emphasis on dependency, collectivism, conformity to family norms, and more indirect expression of conflict (Heras & Revilla, 1994). Certain cultural variables that are more unique to the Filipino people, such as kapwa (referring to the greater Filipino community and shared humanity), hiya (loss of

face or the Filipino’s sensitivity to self-shame), pakikisama (face giving mixed with the Americanized individualism), and utang na loob (an oftentimes misunderstood feeling of obligation to return favor of gifts or services received), are difficult to sustain for the Filipino adolescent as the acculturation process occurs in the United States. The acculturation process of the Filipina adolescent and immigrant is highly affected by her parents, extended family, and even her Filipino community in balancing her Filipino-ness with the “American way of life”.

According to Choi, Park, et al. (2018), females may endorse the values of the host culture, especially in the Western culture that has a more egalitarian attitude toward women (Berry, 1997).According to Sandhu (1997), economic independence, emphasized individualism, and unique social conditions that seem more favorable urgeAPI women to reexamine their traditional gender roles in the context of the new and mainstream American culture. Reportedly, asAsian women begin to change their passive and docile roles to more active and independent ones, marital conflict begins.Additionally,Asian men who take on more domestic roles in the home feel emasculated, also increasing possible conflict.Although these gender role difficulties may be less prevalent for Filipino men and women, given theAmerican influence in the Philippines, the social environment in the United States can facilitate conflicts. The sociocultural differences between theAsian “we” and theAmerican “I” affects women’s roles, which impacts AsianAmerican women’s self-esteem and sense of control over their lives (Napholz et al., 2010; NationalAsian Women’s Health Organization, 2000).

Although some of these acculturation factors are applicable to the Filipina, there are some distinct differences in her process. Napholz and Mo (2010) cited several factors that affect the FilipinoAmerican woman’s quality of her life, as she acculturates, such as, nativity, psychosocial and economic stress, and her level of affinity to traditional cultural values. More recent Filipina

immigrants have higher educational and professional accomplishments, have more familiarity with theAmerican culture, and have a good command of the English language, which makes it a bit easier to adapt to “living as anAmerican.”As the Filipina resides in the United States, she is more likely to work outside of the home because Filipino cultural values and beliefs not only encourage but also expect women to earn a living (Agbayani-Siewert & Revilla, 1997).

Interestingly, as the Filipina attempts to maintain a balance between traditional cultural values and independence outside of the home, studies have stated increased satisfaction for her when her children ascribe to a more traditional culture (Heras & Revilla, 1994). Perhaps this speaks to the internal conflict that she experiences as she acculturates.As the Filipina struggles with what she has learned from her homeland, while she tries to adapt to her new country, this study contended that she has significant internal conflicts.

According to Tuazon et al. (2019), acculturation differs from colonial mentality because the latter involves a denigrative nature of the Filipino culture and the self, but they seem to go hand in hand.Another use of “benevolent assimilation” the transformation of the Philippines’ political, social, educational, and economic institutions into U.S. ones (Abueva, 1976) complicates the adolescent Filipina’s acculturative process. Despite this exposure toAmerican culture via colonization, Filipino immigrants still undergo acculturation in the United States (De la Cruz et al., 2018). Given the exposure to and inculcation of the “American way”, even prior to her arrival in the United States, there seemed to be a preconceived notion of what a Filipina is supposed to represent, and activating internal and external conflicts.

Intergenerational Conflict and Trauma

Interestingly, Ngo (2008) pointed out that as important as the research is on cultural differences and intergenerational conflict, it can create dual oppositions between tradition and

modern ways, East and West, and challenges of the immigrant youth and adult are downgraded and blamed on issues within the home. This can absolve long-standing and major institutions of responsibility, and it excludes historical practices of prejudice and discrimination that immigrants continue to face. These institutions become systems of oppression as those with power and privilege practice dominance and control, unfolding in individual and institutional levels (Trieu, 2019), and can be passed on to future generations. In fact, intergenerational conflicts are not simply a unique immigrant phenomenon (Berrol, 1995; Child, 1943; Zhou, 1997) but are rooted in theAmerican tradition of a “moral rejection of authority” (Gorer, 1963, p. 53), more specific to theAmerican youth culture that praises contempt for authorities and an emphasis on peer relationships. This implies that assimilating into theAmerican youth culture may cause more harm than good for immigrant adolescents (Zhou, 1997). This also describes how our current literature on cultural differences neglects the needs for more nuanced observations, investigations, and comprehensive explorations on trauma and intergenerational conflict.

Li (2016) described trauma for immigrants as they work through their “shattered” world views and how their traumatic experiences affect their current cognition and narratives. This difficulty can lead to psychological problems that impair the immigrant’s ability to navigate through their new sociocultural environment, trigger a sense of separation from family or feelings of guilt for leaving other family members behind, enhance anxiety over barriers in communication, and promote vigilance against discrimination in their receiving country. Li (2016) reiterated that immigrants’conflicts in their new country can trigger premigration trauma to “bear new fruits” or increased acculturative stressors.

In the United States, immigrant children often become “Americanized” so quickly that the older generation fear that their children will become like otherAmerican youth, forget their

roots, and eventually leave the home (Zhou, 1997). ImmigrantAsian parents tend to retain their native language, traditional values and lifestyles, and child-rearing practices.Although immigrant parents are more concerned with making the best of a new environment and retaining a traditional family life, the younger immigrant tends to focus on their current adjustment based on theirAmerican peers and different forms ofAmerican media. These generational differences can lead to decreased parental authority that can affect the children’s overall well-being.

Stodolska (2008) reported a study that predicted parent–child conflict as the strongest predictor of poor self-esteem and depression among immigrant children, especially girls. However, if the immigrant family can keep close ties to their ethnic communities, the generational gap can be decreased, and cultural values and norms can be maintained.

Specific to FilipinoAmericans, Ying and Han (2008) emphasized the risk of intergenerational conflict similar to those of otherAsian communities, but little research has been done on how exactly intergenerational or intercultural discrepancy impacts the family relationship. They further asserted that the FilipinoAmerican adolescent is at a particularly higher risk of conflict with their parents given the need for autonomy that is parallel to the American youth. One study showed intergenerational conflict between the FilipinoAmerican adolescent and the parents resulting in reduced self-esteem and increased depressive symptoms for the adolescent (13.6% among FilipinaAmerican youths, which is a rate higher than other AsianAmerican female adolescents; Kim & Chun, 1993). David and Nadal (2013) cited the report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention that 45.6% of FilipinaAmerican adolescents have suicidal ideation the highest among all ethnic groups (Agbayani-Siewert & Enrile, 2003; Wolf, 1997). Interestingly, the family discord also showed increased depression of the FilipinoAmerican parental unit. The pursuit of the “American dream” does not disclose the

immense amounts of trauma and conflict that it carries, as it is a myth. The cost is hefty physical and psychological, missed family time, deferred careers, and a shortened childhood a string of broken dreams (Espiritu, 2003). This “American dream” also encouraged for Filipinas but was affected by the cultural resistance against racial oppression through pride in gender subordination a conflictual existence. This form of cultural resistance severely restricts women’s lives, particularly those of second generation, and casts the family as a site of possibly the most intense conflict and oppressive demands in immigrants’lives (Espiritu, 2003, p. 178). However, Reyes et al. (2020) illustrated how FilipinoAmerican families can apply their family and cultural beliefs to improve their well-being in the face of adversities and conflicts, as well as enhance their resilience to traumatic experiences. Ultimately, these studies show there is so much more to learn about how intergenerational differences can lead to conflict and increase resilience for the immigrant, FilipinoAmerican woman.

Model Minority

The Model Minority myth discourse has been cited by many scholars, writers, and researchers because it was instigated for post-1965Asian immigrants. In U.S. history,Asian Americans have been coined either as perpetual foreigners or model minorities. The perpetual foreigner was first coined in the 1800s as a way to describe Chinese laborers working in the United States. This racial ideology created numerous negative stereotypes, including the Yellow Peril, with strange ways of life, and it posed an economic threat toAmericans (Trieu, 2019). Meanwhile, the model minority discourse posesAsianAmericans as the “better” person of color: quiet, diligent, and tolerant of White supremacy (Lee et al., 2017). However, as Park (2008) argued, although it may seem positive at first glance, the model minority is a threat. That is, whenAsianAmericans fail as the model minority, they are immediately cast as the perpetual

foreigner who fails to comply to the WhiteAmerican ideals. Furthermore, the model minority myth purports thatAsian Americans can achieve theAmerican dream, whereas other groups of color (specifically Black and LatinoAmericans) are viewed as intellectually inferior and prone to crime (Nadal et al., 2012; Nadal & Sue, 2009; Sue & Sue, 2008), immediately pitting groups against each other. The model minority myth is a discourse that has been ingrained and has become the more dominant description of theAsianAmerican or Pacific Islander communities (Ngo, 2008). Considering the persistence of this myth, along with disparate class positions and resources, it is difficult to form a unified political pan-Asian identity to mobilize progressive action for social justice (Aguirre & Shoon, 2008), and it is even more challenging to form a united front with other underprivileged, ethnic minority groups.

In her book Minor Feelings, Cathy Park Hong (2022) reiterated that even Filipinos were affected by the 1917 immigration ban to allAsia, even though the Philippines was a U.S. colony. She described the welcoming back of the “degraded race” as a way for the United States to “reboot its racist Jim Crow” image. The model minority myth was popularized to “promote capitalism and undermine the credibility of Black civil rights” (Hong, 2022, p. 22). TheAsians were the “good” ones, and we were reassured that as long as we were compliant and hardworking, they were safe from discrimination.According to Nadal (2004), by keeping Filipinos in the pan-Asian racial framework, they remain underrepresented and are falsely identified as part of the model minority group. Not only has this misrepresentation led to feelings of hostility toward other Asians and discrimination toward Blacks and Latinos, but an important contention of this myth is the ongoing labor market discrimination againstAsianAmerican women (Kim & Zhao, 2014), which includes Filipinas.AlthoughAsianAmerican females like Filipinas, especially those who are part of the 1.5 generation, seem to struggle less in the labor

market,Asian scholars seem to believe thatAsian Pacific Islanders must achieve higher educational status to approach socioeconomic parity with Whites.Additionally related to the model minority myth, Espiritu (2003) discussed the “ideal” Filipina.Another deeply embedded way that Filipino families resist racial oppression is by reinforcing female purity. Unfortunately, this seems to reiterate patriarchy and gendered oppression by maintaining and protecting racial pride through the subordination of women.As described by Espiritu, the “ideal” Filipina is chaste and dedicated to her family, but immigrant women carry the burden of cultural representation by epitomizing moral paragons within the Filipino community family-oriented, model minorities.

Fortunately, especially with the younger generation, there is a resurgence of cultural pride, representation, and unification with other oppressed groups. Filipinos have benefited from the politics and community of other cultural groups, especially BlackAmericans. Because Filipinos tend to be lumped with otherAsians, many Filipino activists have unified politically with otherAsian groups, and many other Filipinos have attributed their increased racial mindfulness to their affiliations and connections with Latinos andAfricanAmericans (Espiritu, 2003), with increased likelihood to claim a stronger sense of self and identity.

Identity and Sense of Self

There is a plethora of studies on identity and the sense of self (used interchangeably for the purposes of this study) but very few on FilipinoAmericans, and almost no research has been done on FilipinoAmerican women or Filipinas who migrated to the United States as adolescents. This portion of the literature will provide a brief introduction on identity and the sense of self but focuses on theAsian American and FilipinoAmerican identity. Existing research on Filipino/a adolescent identity and the Filipina woman’s sense of self will also be highlighted.

Identity has been defined by various researchers, scholars, academics, sociologists, psychologists, and professionals in many ways. When Tausk (1919) coined the concept of identity, it was unclearly defined within psychoanalysis and psychiatry. Identity is a construct that is both intrapsychic and interpersonal (Akhtar, 1999a). Frable (1997) cited several definitions: the individual’s psychological relationship to social groups (Sherif, 1982); a unified, purposeful aspect of self and part of the self-concept (McAdams, 1995); and the term most often cited by those who struggle to create meaning and purpose when powerful social systems clash with personal and collective group member experiences (Tajfel, 1978).According toAkhtar (1999), identity has also been defined as a coherent sense of self. The coherence is achieved when one’s life makes sense and is meaningful. One’s values are stable and one’s actions have conviction; values and actions are harmoniously related (Wheelis, 1958, p. 19).

Erikson (1968) and Marcia (1980) established identity development models noting the importance of identity development in adolescence but observed identity changes throughout adulthood. Specific to ethnic minority groups, ethnic identity refers to “one’s sense of belonging to an ethnic group, and the part of one’s thinking, perceptions, feelings, and behavior that is due to ethnic group membership” (Rotheram & Phinney, 1987, p. 13). Nadal (2004) reported that two of the most widely utilizedAsianAmerican identity models were created by Kim (1981) and the Suinn-LewAsian Self-IdentityAcculturation Scale. The former research was based on thirdgeneration JapaneseAmerican women, and the latter did not distinguish between ethnicities. Given the need to recognize the FilipinoAmerican identity, typically lumped with otherAsians or neglected altogether, Nadal (2004) developed the Pilipino Identity Development Model. Although he described his proposed model as nonlinear, nonsequential, and not completed by every PilipinoAmerican, it can be utilized as a way to understand the acculturation process of

the native-born, second generation, F/PilipinoAmerican in the United States. This model is crucial as it introduces a way to understand the FilipinoAmerican, but the age consideration within the six stages may preclude the FilipinaAmerican who migrated as an adolescent. Still, it is noteworthy to state that the acculturation process that helps develop the Filipino’s identity can have its own space in existing identity models.

Ethnic minority immigrants who have to adapt to a host country are vulnerable to identity confusion within and across different ethnic groups (Donovan et al., 2013). Ethnic identity development is rooted in the identity development of Erikson (1968) and Marcia (1980) and involves the process of exploring one’s identity and one’s commitment to that identity over time and through adulthood (Tuazon et al., 2019). Yen Le Espiritu (2003) exquisitely described cultural identity as “being” and “becoming”. It has a past and a future. It is not something which already exists, transcending space. Cultural identities tell stories and come from somewhere. This reiterates Erikson’s (1968) definition that “identity contains a complementarity of past and future both in the individual and the society; it links the actuality of a living past with that of a promising future” (p. 310).

According to Ainslie et al. (2013), racial identity is related to migration as the individual is shaped by their home country’s norms and the adoptive country’s customs. This racial shift due to immigration can be especially difficult and disorganizing for children and adolescents, as well as their identities, due to their lack of choice to relocate.Although identity development is crucial for all youth, it is particularly essential for adolescents who identify as an ethnic or racial minority member in the United States. This is due to the possible increase of identity formation complexities related to color, behavior, language, physical features, and social stereotypes; for AsianAmerican youth, the struggles in their smaller, internal systems stem from issues in the

macrosystem (Spencer & Markstrom-Adams, 1990).According to Spencer and MarkstromAdams (1990), for many ethnic minority youth, traditional identity models “assume homogeneity among group members; overlook patterns of coping and adaptation; fail to link ecosystem with life course models; and ignore the opportunity to broaden the knowledge on the resilience or risk for minority youth” (p. 304). One specific challenge forAsianAmerican or FilipinoAmerican youth is panethnic aggregation, which is central to the racialization ofAsianAmericans (Lee et al., 2017). Okamura (1988) suggested that when FilipinoAmericans are classified asAsian Americans, they have been denied access to equal opportunity and affirmative action programs, particularly in higher education, despite their underrepresentation.AsianAmerican youth have responded to this panethnic lumping in different ways, as it can clearly extinguish distinctive ethnic, cultural, linguistic, and religious identities.According to Ocampo (2014), Filipinos also cited U.S. colonialism as a reason to define themselves from otherAsians, while utilizing the Spanish colonialism to blur boundaries with Latinos.

Unfortunately, due to panethnic clumping, crucial needs and issues of Filipino youth are ignored, which can lead to dire consequences, beyond identity confusion.According to the White House Initiative onAPIs (2001), Filipino youth have one of the highest rates of suicide ideation and attempts. FilipinoAmericans experience a mixture of stereotypes:At the same time that they are characterized as hospitable, neat, and hardworking, they are also called manipulative, dishonest, lazy, and social climbers.As such examples of stereotypes, just to name a few, are clearly contradictory, it is not surprising that Filipino youth would be confused about their identities, resulting in many challenges.Additionally, as Filipino youth are identified as model minorities, sociocultural disparities that otherAsianAmerican youth reportedly do not experience, such as increased high school dropout rates, lower college admission rates, higher

prevalence ofAIDS/HIV, and substance use, are underreported (Nadal et al., 2012). It is important to reiterate that as more Filipino youth now fight against panethnic lumping, it is not to increase conflict with other groups but to regain power within their own and across minority populations. Current discourses on identity still fail to capture the FilipinoAmerican Frable (1997) described that a powerful vision of an empirical work on identity should highlight the works of feminists and, more specifically, women of color. These discourses include excluded groups, excluded spaces, and excluded relationships. They also highlight sociohistorical contexts, family niches, and current locations. These women scholars and writers view identity as constant, recreated, and personalized social construction that views people as a whole.According to Lim (1993), “in the intersection of race and gender identity, the woman who represents the urgencies of her gender (e.g., her sexuality, her maternality), against a race imperative is in a position to be violently erased.” In Cathy Park Hong’s Minor Feelings (2022), she describedAsianAmericans as the carpenter ants of the service industry, the apparatchiks of the corporate world. We are the math-crunching middle managers who keep the corporate wheels greased but who never gets promoted since we don’t have the right “face” for leadership. We have a content problem. They think we have no inner resources. But while I may look impassive, I am frantically paddling my feet underwater, always overcompensating to hide my devouring feelings of inadequacy. (p. 9)

According to Sim (2009), although modernization has brought opportunities forAsian women to leave their homes and families and to migrate as domestic workers, caregivers, wives, and entertainers, women’s work is still minimized and defined as survival, and they are still exploited and oppressed. Even in more recent times, sexism and oppression have existed, even in

progressiveAsianAmerican organizations, whereinAPI women’s tasks were restricted to subordinate ones, and they were only deemed worthy when they produced new revolutionaries (Aguirre et al., 1992).According to Lim (1993),AsianAmerican women have been attempting to reinvent sexist narratives that are complicated by issues of race and class.

Yen Le Espiritu (2003) described the increased efforts of FilipinoAmerican women to challenge the expressions of nationalism and patriarchy through their identities as mothers, daughters, workers, organizers, and lovers. From a very young age, and starting in the Philippines, the Filipina is expected to uphold filial loyalty and integrity, typically through chastity.As the Filipina becomes an adult, and if she becomes a mother, she not only works outside of the home but is mainly responsible for the child-rearing, as well as the social, health, religious, enculturation, and educational activities of the family (Salvador et al., 1997). Interestingly, even as FilipinoAmerican women become employed outside of the home, their intrahousehold status remains second to that of men partners (Paul, 2015). However, Filipinas persevere, as they are not taught to be passive or submissive but to excel in education and leadership (Nadal, 2004).Adding to the complexity of the FilipinoAmerican woman’s role in employment outside of the home is nativity, as foreign-born Filipinas have higher employment rates compared to those born in the United States (Read & Cohen, 2007). Filipinas struggle as they attempt to balance their multiple identities and roles, while they experience rejection from majority and minority communities, which can create stress and conflict.

Another issue that has influenced the Filipina’s identity are the standards of beauty, established during colonization. The indoctrination of White beauty standards includes skin bleaching that began in the Philippines due to colonization.Although skin bleaching is a health hazard for its mercury content (Trieu, 2019), this continues as a way to achieve the “White is

right” standard, which includes body image, facial features, and ridding oneself of “an accent” when speaking English. This enduring imprint (Ocampo, 2014) and the internalized standards passed on from generations in the Philippines to generations of immigrants in the United States affect the identity of Filipinos and Filipinas. Colorism continues to influence life opportunities and financial stability in our current times (Painter II et al., 2016).Akhtar (1999) reported that a prominent difference between the physical characteristics of the immigrant and that of the natives of her host country can result in delayed or no acceptance, as well as a destructive effect on identity. Cathy Park Hong (2022) wrote about the self-hatingAsian, which also applies to Filipinas, wherein one becomes one’s own worst enemy because of internalized hatred, and there is no other choice other than to be hard on oneself, deriving comfort in “pecking yourself to death”, hating the reflection on the mirror and the sound of one’s voice. You hate that there are others who look like you in similar spaces. For Filipinos, the impact for meeting social standards of beauty is gender specific (Kiang & Takeuchi, 2009).Although women are judged based on appearance, men are gauged not only on appearance but also success, wealth, and power. Darker skin tone and more ethnic features are associated with lower socioeconomic status and predictive of poor physical and mental health issues. Yen Le Espiritu (2003) stated that the assumption of whiteness as a symbol of citizenship is explicit in the social construction ofAsianAmericans, the inassimilable aliens who are disqualified from being trueAmericans as they are materialistic, politically untrustworthy, and will always be eccentric “Orientals.”

Throughout the first half of the 20th century, defining the Filipina was prolific, and there were numerous debates about her identity during the transition between the Spanish and United States rule, which peaked during moments of colonization and decolonization (Ceniza Choi, 2014). Furthermore, representations of FilipinoAmerican women provided a foreground on how

the overlapping layers of colonization shape the definition of the Filipina’s gender roles and identities over time and space. For example, Roces (2015) reported that an analysis of the changing cultural constructions of gender and sexuality of Filipinos in the United States for over 100 years challenged the linear progression of women’s sexual empowerment as societies become more cosmopolitan. This suggested deeper analyzation to accurately describe the FilipinoAmerican woman’s gender role, sexuality, and identity. Inherent in this awaited progress is the hope that the perpetuated, traditional concepts of gender and sexuality, shouldered by the FilipinoAmerican woman, can someday be eviscerated.

Summary

When we study the issues of women, ecology, and indigenous peoples, we cannot help but come to the conclusion that the health of our planet is inextricably linked to the wellbeing of indigenous peoples who are her most devoted stewards, and to the nurturing qualities of the human species, especially of women. The disparaging of the wisdom and life-ways of indigenous peoples and women has taken its toll on the health of our planet.

(Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006, p. 63)

In short, when we disparage women, we cause our world to be off balance and unhealthy.

The babaylan feminism, which is the Indigenous root of the Filipina, is the core of her female consciousness, and as evidenced in the literature, archeology, and documentation, it has been silenced and misrepresented (Mangahas & Llanguno, 2006). The Indigenous Filipina’s root identities as keepers of wisdom, folk therapists and philosophers, healers, communicators with ancestral spirits, and stabilizers of social structures are literally defined by the babaylan or “one who serves.” The babaylan’s task is still revolutionary today as she must help us remember who

we are, and how we are seen in this world. The babaylan spirit continues to help us respond more effectively to being viewed as unwanted, racialized minorities, and indentured servants.

Part of our duty as humans is to help the public think radically about things, engage and provoke, and go into spaces that are considered marginal if not slightly unpopular. This is the resistance that is believed to be the spirit of the babaylan. It means resisting a “centralizing” authority and the coexisting “economic domination” (quoted Beltran in Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006, p. 118). If Filipinas are to wear the symbolic veil of the babaylan, we must know the history of the Filipino people and nation, include them in our narratives, and challenge the idea of the Filipino diaspora as voluntary movement that affects our experiences. There is something attractive about hybridity-the Filipino as a polyglot and a cosmopolitan expat, multiracial, and living in multiple locations. However, when we fail to connect the history of the Filipino people and nation to our own histories, according to Gonzales in Mangahas & Llaguno (2006), it is because we are suffering from “historical amnesia or from a cultural variety ofAlzheimer’s disease” (p. 153). It is the same amnesia that makes us long for and nostalgic to the return to the homeland: “And nostalgia is NOT what we are aiming for” (Leny Mendoza Strobel in Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006, p. 153).

It seems that prior to the colonization of the Philippines, the Filipina experienced equality, leadership, regard, and unquestioned identity. The colonization of the Philippines for 400 centuries has created internal conflict for the Filipina, thus extracting layers, imposing destructive changes, and diluting her sense of self.Although many attempts have been made via activism, education, and increased affiliations and advocacy, there is still much to unlearn, relearn, and redefine for the FilipinoAmerican woman. It is the goal of this study to contribute to the existing literature that only scratches the surface of the resilient Pilipina.

Chapter 3

Methodology

Introduction

The purpose of this phenomenological study was to explore the effects of colonial mentality on FilipinaAmerican adults who emigrated to the United States as adolescents. For the purposes of this study, adolescents were defined as 13–18 years of age, and the adult women studied were between the ages of 42 and 56. The decade of 1980-1990 was a targeted time of migration given the possible effects of the sociopolitical changes in the Philippines. Initially, the study focused on Filipinas who emigrated to the United States with parents, family, or caregivers.As a note, the terms “Filipinas” and “FilipinoAmerican” women were identifiers used interchangeably throughout this study

More specifically, this phenomenological study explored the subjective, lived experiences of adult Filipinas as they reflected on the effects of colonial mentality on their sense of self or identity given their emigration during adolescence.Aphenomenological study describes the shared meaning for several individuals of their lived experiences of a concept or phenomenon (Cresswell & Poth, 2018). Interpretive phenomenological analysis (IPA) was chosen as an approach because it is concerned with exploring experience on its own terms rather than attempting to fit experiences into predefined or overly abstract categories (Smith et al., 2022).

Hermeneutics was the interpretive guide for this study, with social constructionist assumptions. The data was interpreted utilizing postcolonial feminist theory, which is primarily concerned with the representation of women in once colonized countries and in Western locations. This theory describes women’s struggle with “double colonization” because they simultaneously

experience colonial oppression and patriarchy (Tyagi, 2014). The study also referred to Espiritu’s (2003) use of an agency-oriented theoretical perspective, which more explicitly explains the FilipinoAmerican woman, who was simultaneously colonized, national, immigrant, and racialized; how she was transformed through the experience of colonialism and emigration; and how she in turn transformed and remade the world around her.

Whereas Interpretive PhenomenologicalAnalysis (IPA) was utilized to conduct this study, hermeneutics was employed to guide it as its underpinning philosophy and approach. Hermeneutics is an interpretive process, a process of “bringing to understanding” (Palmer, 1969, p. 13). Thirsk and Clark (2017) highlighted Gadamer’s (2004) philosophical hermeneutics as distinctive in several ways: (a) accounts from participants are not sought to understand the experience or meaning that a phenomenon has to people but rather to help understand the phenomenon; (b) hermeneutics research allows contradictory findings to be reconciled; (c) prior knowledge of the topic allows the researcher to explore a topic further and deeper, carefully balancing what is already believed with what might be learned; and (d) the rigor of hermeneutics is not judged or avoided by doctrine suggested by other qualitative approaches. This study may help deepen our understanding of the FilipinoAmerican woman and immigrant who spent her childhood in the previously colonized Philippines and traveled to live in the previously colonizing nation, the United States.

Although Gadamer (1990, 1960) tends to emphasize the importance of history in and the effect of tradition on the interpretive process, social constructionism states that our behaviors are not constrained by anything traditionally accepted as true, rational, or right. Furthermore, we are not bound by the claims of history or tradition (Gergen, 2015). The utility of hermeneutics as a guiding, interpretive process, along with the social constructionist assumptions, allowed for a

more in-depth exploration of the FilipinoAmerican woman’s lived experiences to challenge what was believed and taught and to go beyond existing investigations that deepened the understanding of the Filipina experience.

Rationale for Qualitative Research Design

Qualitative research is a situated activity that locates the observer in the world.

Qualitative research consists of a set of interpretive, substantial practices that make the world visible (Cresswell & Poth, 2018). It involves an interpretive, naturalistic approach to the world. This means that qualitative researchers study things in their natural settings, attempting to interpret phenomena in terms of the meanings people bring to them (Denzin & Lincoln, 2011).

The specific purpose of this study seemed better served with participants’experiences explored qualitatively because there was a need for a more comprehensive and detailed understanding of a phenomenon. Qualitative study allowed for a more in-depth exploration of the lived Filipina experiences, typically combined with those of otherAsianAmerican women, Filipino men, and other immigrant groups.

With the epistemological assumption (hermeneutics and social constructionist), conducting a qualitative study means that researchers try to get as close as possible to the participants being studied. Therefore, subjective evidence is assembled based on individual views and experiences. This is how knowledge is known through people’s subjective experiences (Cresswell & Poth, 2018). This qualitative study on a small sample of Filipino American women facilitated a more intimate and subjective view of the Filipina’s sense of self and identity.

Rationale for Interpretive PhenomenologicalAnalysis

Smith et al. (2022) specifically highlighted three reasons that rationalized my use of Interpretive PhenomenologicalAnalysis to explore the lived experiences of FilipinoAmerican women.

Reflecting upon Personal Experience. The philosophical account of the lived experience can be insightful and enlightening, but it should serve actual lived experience rather than the other way around. Phenomenological research is systematic and attentive in its reflection on daily, lived experiences. IPAis concerned with where ordinary everyday experience becomes an important experience as the person reflects on the significance of what has happened and tries to make sense of it. Therefore, “IPAis concerned with human lived experience, and posits that experience can be understood via an examination of the meanings which people impress upon it” (Smith et al. 2022, pp. 27–28). This study intended to reflect the Filipina’s understanding of how her daily, lived experiences as an adult have been affected by emigration during adolescence from the previously colonized Philippines to the colonizing country of the United States. This required her reflections on daily experiences based on complex and combined phenomena.

The Hermeneutic Turn. IPArequires a combination of phenomenological and hermeneutic insights. It is phenomenological in attempting to get as close as possible to the participant’s personal experience but recognizes that this is an interpretive endeavor for the participant and researcher. Without phenomenology, there would be nothing to interpret; without hermeneutics, the phenomenon would not be seen (Smith et al. 2022, p. 31). This section discussed the active role of the researcher, and as a FilipinoAmerican woman and immigrant and the researcher of this study, my reflections are noted in the interpretation.

Focusing on the Particular. IPAprioritizes detailed analyses of specific cases of lived experiences. It is possible with time to establish larger bodies of cases, which may lead to consideration of a phenomenon’s more general features. By connecting the findings to existing psychological literature, the writer using IPAhelps the reader see how the case can shed light on the existing nomothetic research (Smith et al. 2022, p.31-32). Filipino immigrants and their lives have been examined in quantitative and qualitative studies, but the research remains insubstantial. Particularly regarding Filipinas, research tends to be aggregated and general. Studies that explore the lived experiences of FilipinoAmerican women and immigrants are fractional at best. Particularly, the Filipina’s sense of self and identity in combination with the effects of colonial mentality and emigration as adolescents have not been explored.

Research Sample

The research sample initially focused on the lived experiences of five to eight participants.According to Smith et al. (2022), the question of the sample size partly depends on the degree of commitment to analysis and reporting, the depth of the individual cases, and the organizational constraints one is operating under. This study explored the subjective experiences of FilipinoAmerican women.Asmaller number of participants allowed one to capture their subjective lived experiences more thoroughly.

The participants were English-speaking, adult Filipinas who were 42–56 years of age and emigrated to the United States from the Philippines between the ages of 13 and 18. The emigration age group was defined as such with the assumption that one has fairly solid and permanent memories of life in the Philippines by the time one is 13 years old. Traditionally, the age of 13 is also considered the beginning of one’s adolescent years. The age of 18 was considered the maximum age limit for emigration because that is the legal age of adulthood in

the United States.Additionally, centering the study on adolescent emigration contended that adolescents have a different experience than younger children or adults in leaving their home country and entering a new one. The focus on adult Filipinas between 42 and 56 years old was for a few reasons: the participant’s memory, specifically recall ability, and the year of emigration (the decade when one emigrated can affect one’s experiences, which in this case was between 1980-1990). Participants resided throughout the United States given the availability of remote interviewing, but face-to-face interviews were considered as a possibility, all noted in my field notes. Last, if the adolescents emigrated to the United States with parents, family, or caregivers, it was assumed to affect the participant’s overall experience.

Filipinas who were not bilingual or fluent in English were excluded for transcription purposes. There are nuances in the various Filipino languages that are difficult to translate.

Research Plan and Process

Caring about the outcome is often important because qualitative research tradition has often been characterized and motivated by the author’s commitment to facilitating change (Kidder & Fine, 1997) and willingness to reflect on this commitment’s significance (Finlay, 2002). It is also worth thinking about the extent to which the researcher can relate to or imagine the participant group’s likely experiences (Smith et al., 2022). Topics such as Colonial Mentality, immigration, and FilipinoAmerican women, have not been explored in a single study and were therefore the focus of this study. Therefore, careful thought and planning were parts of the process from the very beginning, including how to select and contact participants.

Recruitment

Following thoughtful consideration of the topic and research questions, the process of selecting participants was the next step. In line with the IPAorientation, purposive sampling

offered insight into a particular experience. Participants were contacted via referral (from various gatekeepers), opportunities (as a result of one’s contacts), and snowballing (which amounts to referral by participants). Because I am a current member of Filipino groups and organizations, I contacted self-identified Filipino immigrant members via posts (script inAppendixA), which yielded the most opportunities to recruit participants for this study. These participants were selected on the basis that they can grant access to a particular perspective on the phenomena under study. That is, they represented a perspective rather than a population (Smith et al., 2022). Each participant was offered $50 via Zelle or as anAmazon gift card for their participation.

Screening

Ability to participate in the study occurred through a screening process (script in AppendixA). This screening process assisted in ensuring that participants met the requirements for the study, including age at emigration, English-language proficiency, ability to communicate remotely or face to face, and understanding of the time needed to complete the study.

Informed Consent

The informed consent included several considerations for this study, including ethics and how participants are protected, explanation of the study and how it was recorded and utilized, the time frame anticipated for participation, criteria for participation in the study, and resources available for participants if needed. The informed consent was delivered to participants via email (copy of consent inAppendix B), and was returned via email.

There was an additional form, the Confirmation of Informed Consent and Participation (seeAppendix C), which ensured that each participant fully understood the informed consent, with open-ended questions that confirmed their understanding and participation. This also

contained demographic questions that are pertinent to this study. This confirmation form was reviewed and signed on the day of the first interview session.

Data Collection

Data collection was completed utilizing semistructured, in-depth interviews with participants consisting of two 70–90-min sessions. Zoom was the portal used for the interview sessions as participants resided in different states outside of California.

According to Flowers et al. (2022), a qualitative research interview is often described as “a conversation with a purpose” (p. 61). The goal was to facilitate a conversation in which participants shared their narratives in detail and in their words. The interviewer and interviewee were active participants in the research process although one spoke and the other listened. The interviewer utilized a script, which facilitated a comfortable conversation with the participants and enabled a detailed account of the participants’experiences. The interview questions were open and extensive, and the interviewee was encouraged to talk at length and in depth (Appendix D).

The informed consent indicated sessions to be recorded and the researcher documented with handwritten notes when necessary, especially for observations the recording could not capture (Appendix B).

DataAnalysis

According to Smith et al. (2022), data analysis is not linear but iterative.Although the primary interest of IPAis the participant’s lived experience and the meaning the participant makes of it, the end result is always the outcome of how the analyst makes sense of how the participant makes sense (double hermeneutic).

The guiding steps Smith et al. (2022) provided for IPAresearch helped analyze data and are incredibly helpful overall:

1. Reading and rereading, starting with the first case: Acaptivating portion of this was the encouraged listening to the audio-recorded interview before reading notes and transcripts. This allowed the researcher to imagine the participant’s voice as they read the subsequent transcripts, ensuring that the participant became the focus of the analysis.

2. Exploratory noting examining language and transcription: The researcher maintained an open mind and noted anything of interest.Although exploratory notes allowed for more interpretation, it helped to stay close to the participant’s explicit meaning.

3. Constructing experiential statements (terminology changed from emerging themes): The main task in turning exploratory notes into experiential statements was to produce a concise and pithy summary of what the researcher considered important in the notes collected. The statements reflected the participant’s words and thoughts as well as the researcher’s interpretation.

4. Searching for connections across experiential statements: This next step involved mapping out the participant’s statements based on how the researcher thought they fit together. This involved the re-evaluation and rereading of earlier transcripts and statements.

5. Naming the personal experiential themes (PETS) and consolidating and organizing them: This was the result of clustering the experiential statements that made good sense to the researcher. The statements were organized for each case or participant.

6. Continuing the individual analysis of other cases: Although this involved the repetition of the previous steps for each participant, keeping in mind the importance of treating each

case (participant) on its (their) own terms, the researcher was cautious to avoid simply reproducing statements and themes from the first case and applying them to subsequent cases.

7. Developing group experiential themes across cases: investigating and discovering a group “norm” or an average experience was not a goal. Instead, the shared and unique features of the experience between participants were highlighted. The value of this form of data analysis truly was evident in the systematic and careful analysis of each case and in the exploration of how each participant’s experience parallelled or differed from the other.

Ethical Considerations

Given the phenomenon explored in this study, unexpected triggering memories and emotions were experienced as expected.An informed consent was provided and explained to each participant prior to the interviews and upon agreement to participate. The informed consent included care and consideration regarding possible triggers with interview questions. It explained how data was used and shared, as well as how data was collected (by remote interview). It discussed available resources for participants if needed due to triggers during the interview process. Finally, the informed consent noted the participant’s right to cease the interview at any time (Appendix B).

Issues of Trustworthiness

The issues of trustworthiness are crucial and defined in qualitative studies, and this study was no exception. These issues are defined as credibility, dependability, and transferability.

1. Credibility: To address issues of credibility, potential research bias was noted given the researcher’s interpretation of the lived experiences the participants report. To ensure this

study’s credibility, the researcher’s reactions and responses were noted during the interviews. In-depth interviews also provided credibility because substantial time was provided for each interview.According to Bloomberg and Volpe (2012), significant time for in-depth interviews “facilitates a more in-depth understanding of the phenomenon under study, conveying detail about the site and the participants that lends credibility to [the] account” (p. 113).

2. Dependability: This was achieved through the vast amounts of field and reflective notes, which was integrated in the data and analysis. This included the researcher’s noted bias and personal perspectives, which helped ensure the study’s dependability.

3. Transferability:Anything similar to generalizability in quantitative research is not a goal for qualitative studies. For this study, transferability was established by providing a vigorous amount of data to produce findings that can be applicable to other contexts, situations, and populations.Although the primary goal of this study was to explore FilipinoAmerican women’s lived experiences, the idea that it can be utilized to deepen the understanding of similar or parallel contexts and other populations was important and promising.

Limitations of Study

Although transferability is an issue of trustworthiness in qualitative studies, it is important to reiterate that the purpose of this study was to explore the subjective and lived experiences of a small sample of Filipinas. Even though I hope that this study can amplify FilipinoAmerican women’s voices and be helpful for future research, there were limitations. Although generalizability was not considered a limitation of this study, it is noteworthy to mention that transferability spoke to the possible applicability of this study to similar contexts,

given the rigor practiced to collect data. One must consider that the focus of this research was to highlight a small sample of participants, and analyzed subjective experiences.

Another important note was the possible issue with the participants’memory. Memory is retroactive, and although their memories may have been affected, this study wanted to highlight the participants’meanings to experiences. Because the study attempted to explore lived experiences that included reflections about emigration during adolescence, there was a compromise in how participants recalled their emigration journey, their lives in the Philippines, and their early experiences in the United States. This study focused on their meaning making of their lived experiences.

The Researcher’s Role and Background

The underlying qualities required of the IPAresearcher are open-mindedness, flexibility, patience, empathy, and the willingness to enter into the participant’s world. One quality of a qualitative researcher is an interest in looking in detail at how someone makes sense of a major transition in life (Smith et al., 2022), such as emigrating to a new country. These qualities certainly resonated with me, and as mentioned in the foregrounding section of this study, I was curious about the parallels between my lived experiences and those of this study’s participants.

It can be said that the IPAresearcher is engaged in a double hermeneutic because they are trying to make sense of the participant trying to make sense of what is happening to them. This captures the researcher’s dual role. They are employing the same mental and personal skills and capacities as the participant, with whom they share a fundamental property that of a human being (Smith et al., 2022). In this case, apart from me being a human being like this study’s participants, my identity as a Filipina immigrant who moved to the United States as an adolescent presented an additional layer of consideration in this research. This is an aspect that I

considered as I collected my data, throughout the interview process, and while I analyzed the data.

Another consideration was my role as a novice, qualitative researcher and how this may have affected my process with the participants and the overall study. It is assumed that the lack of experience as a researcher in collecting qualitative data requires more rigorous notes and observation throughout the research process, and rigorous notes were taken throughout this research process.

Chapter 4

Findings

Introduction

This interpretive phenomenological research project intended to demonstrate a deeper understanding of the FilipinoAmerican woman’s subjective and current reflections on how colonial mentality and migration as an adolescent affected her sense of self or identity. This study aimed to do so through in-depth, semistructured interviews with seven FilipinoAmerican women or Filipinas, ranging between 42 and 56 years of age. The Filipinas migrated to the United States between 13 and 18 years of age, and between the years of 1982–1994. Each participant was interviewed twice, with each interview session averaging about 90 minutes, which provided about twenty-one hours of recorded data. The recorded data were transcribed and analyzed, and the findings were generated and reported in this chapter.

There were a few challenges in gathering participants for this study. Following the initial positive momentum and responses, when three participants were identified, the search stalled. It was possible that the holiday season that coincided with seeking participants increased the difficulty of the search.Additionally, following the proposal of this study, other factors were identified that would add depth and breadth to the research, such as a larger number of participants from the range initially suggested and a specific time frame of migration. The decade of 1980–1990 was suggested due to the probable effects of the Marcos (Ferdinand Marcos was the president of the Philippines who declared Martial Law between 1972 until he was exiled in 1986) regime during the migration of the Filipina adolescent, and this range was almost met,

minus one participant who migrated in 1994 (permitted by the committee). Due to the difficulty of finding more participants who met the recruitment requirements for this study, an exception was made to decrease the number of participants from the minimum of eight to the seven who were recruited, with the consent of this research project’s dissertation committee.

To ensure confidentiality, a pseudonym was assigned to each participant. Interestingly, five of the participants wanted to take part in creating their own pseudonym. Each participant was eager to take part in the study, and most interviews were conducted within days of each session.

Research Participants

The research sample in this study consisted of seven Filipinas, all raised in the Philippines, and migrated between the ages of 13-18 years.All participants spoke fluent English, which was a criterion for the purpose of transcription. Most understand and speak Tagalog (two understand but do not speak it), which is the primary language in the Philippines, three speak other languages apart from Tagalog (languages from smaller provinces in the Philippines), and two spoke Spanish as their first language in the Philippines. The participants were interviewed via Zoom as they all reside in different states within the United States.

The participant ages ranged from 42 to 56 years. Six of the participants are married; one is divorced. Two married participants do not have children by choice, and all others have living children.All participants reported family members also residing in the United States, and five live in close vicinity with their family members. All participants also reported having friends, peers, or a community nearby. Five of the participants an educator, a nursing administrator, a program manager, and two in accounting are employed outside of the home. Two are stay-at-

home parents. Six graduated college with bachelor’s degrees, two hold master’s degrees, one has her doctoral degree, and one has a high school diploma.

Of the seven participants, two migrated to the United States on their own; this was an exception made from the initial requirement that participants should have traveled with parents, caregivers, or family, as it was assumed to change the overall experience. The two participants who migrated on their own were alone while in the plane but were with family or close family friends before and after the airplane ride. Currently, all participants reside with family members, except for one who resides alone.

The participants all seemed extremely curious about the study; most were from current contacts, whereas others resulted from snowballing or referral from other participants. Although pseudonyms were assigned to each participant, and some demographics have been shared, other data have been omitted given the contact from which some were identified. They all seemed to feel that their participation could contribute to existing research on Filipinas, which they all reported are sparse. Most of the participants also felt like their participation in the study could also contribute to their journey of being Filipina.

Introduction of Themes and Categories

Analysis of the data seemed to reflect the assumptions of this research project: The FilipinoAmerican woman’s migration during adolescence has significant effects on her sense of self and identity; previous colonization caused the Filipina to feel lost; and her experiences are unique and should not be aggregated with otherAsian or immigrant women.

The data also revealed several themes, and each theme has subcategories. The participants’primary reason for participating in the study revolved around their struggles with their identities. They acknowledged that the idea of sharing their narrative was a way for them to

recollect, in a way that they had not done prior to this research project.Although the struggles manifested in various ways, their narratives conveyed intersectionality and a weaving of experiences. The participants’contributions that were triggered by the desire to reflect about their journey yielded a clearer view of ongoing identity development that affects each one differently.

As the themes are described more specifically, there may be some overlap between them, as there were overlaps between the lives of the participant reflections and experiences. The themes and categories described the complicated and sparsely explored lives of Filipino American women, and how their experiences with colonial mentality and migration to the United States have shaped their identity. The question of “WhoAm I?” is still transitioning for the participants of this study, as they have contemplated how their journeys might affect their children and the next generation.

Theme One: Life in the Philippines: It Seemed Simpler

Subthemes

• Socioeconomic status did not seem to matter.

• Family and community came first.

• The simple things are in the core memory.

Theme Two: Colonial Mentality and Its Effects: Observable at a YoungAge

Subthemes

• Colorism and Body Image: “White is right.”

• Faith and religion

• Language: English is better than Filipino languages

• America is the savior

• Gender and role as a daughter

Theme Three: Migration Is Not a Choice

Subthemes

• The Marcos regime and the revolution

• The “American Dream”: the land of opportunity awaits

• The Migration Story

Theme Four: Life inAmerica

Subthemes

• Fresh Off the Boat

• Acculturative Stress and Family changes

• Model minority

• The promised land was not as promised

Theme Five: The Role of the Mother

Subthemes

• The Mother’s work is never done

• The Mother’s Impact

• The Impact of Migration on the Mother’s Role

Theme Six: Identity: WhoAm I?

Subthemes

• The Impact of migrating as an adolescent

• Invisibility: the Hidden parts of the Self

• Imposter Syndrome: “not good enough”

• The Definition of The FilipinoAmerican Woman

Theme One: Life in the Philippines: It Seemed Simpler

Although all participants reflected about a much younger time in their lives, when life was presumably simpler, they still recalled it as simpler in the Philippines in comparison to their upbringing in the United States. One participant remembered Christmas in the Philippines, called “Paskuhan,” when one visited relatives (grandparents, godparents, aunts, uncles, and other extended family members) or close family friends. During this time, receiving 1 to 10 pesos (currency in the Philippines) was celebrated. Gifts were not given out, but there were celebrations, play, and food. The participants recollected the simplicity that fostered their ability to “feel rich” even though they acknowledged that they were not rich. The general statement from the participants was that it was not an easy life but simple, fun, and carefree. This seeming contradiction was weaved throughout the participants’narratives about their lives in the Philippines and the United States.

Socioeconomic Status Did Not Seem to Matter

All participants reported a level of struggle with finances at some point while living in the Philippines.Adesire for a better life was the main catalyst for migrating. However, as the participants reflected on their knowledge of their family struggle, only one of their parents seemed to desire a life in the United States.

One participant stated that “It was dad’s plan all along. It was sad for me. I was comfortable with my life.” Six of the participants had maids or help and a comfortable enough life.

Two worked “in the fields” and outdoors to help support the family. Three participants mentioned a life of privilege, born with political affiliations, land ownership, and professional parents with active social lives. Regardless of the participant’s socioeconomic status, each one

reported a good enough life or lifestyle and a lack of understanding of the decision to migrate. Although it was always one parent who wanted to move, it was a “family thing,” so the whole family would eventually migrate.

It has been noted in this research project that the Indigenous Pilipinos desired a society that focused on connections and community rather than economic or financial pursuits (Bautista, 1988). It was certainly apparent from participant narratives that regardless of socioeconomic status, there was simplicity in the Filipino life that continued to resonate with each participant. During Spanish rule, wealth became measured by land ownership and education. Three participants discussed land ownership and how that was an important aspect of their status.All participants conveyed education as repeatedly reinforced by their parents and caregivers. Given the participant ages in the Philippines, the true reasons for migration and their families’actual financial standing may not have been fully disclosed. This reinforced the adolescent’s parallel to the exile, in that the adolescent is unprepared and must comply with the family’s plan.

Family and Community Came First

“My mom lived for guests. One of the bedrooms in our house was designated for house guests from all over the world.” The experiences that participants shared almost always included extended family members it was not just the immediate family. There were consistent interactions with grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, and family friends. Siblings took care of each other and were part of each other’s lives outside of the immediate family unit.

One participant stated, “Being Filipino means that you work hard to support your family.”Another reported that “life in the Philippines is family-oriented. If you have so many kids, you give one to the relatives who don’t have kids, if you can’t take care of them.” This was not out of the ordinary, especially in less affluent parts of the Philippines. It was not unusual for

grandparents and other extended family members to actively take part in fostering and nurturing the children.

Five of the participants continue to have connections with their community of friends from the Philippines, even though they migrated at a young age.According to participant reports, there was not an aspect of their lives in the Philippines when family and community were absent.

Although colonization resulted in core changes for Filipinos, the spirit of family and community prevailed. The roles and dynamics of the family structure may be forever changed, but the spirit of kapwa, or the connection between fellow humans remained.

The Simple Things Are in the Core Memory

One participant recalled her most basic parts of life in the Philippines: I remember the smell of the rice fields. I could tell the difference when they were planting and when they were harvesting. I remember the beautiful landscape, the beautiful sunrise and sunset. Our house was next to a river, so I remember the sounds of the fishermen. These things were magical.

The recollection of the simpler yet magical memories was an acknowledgment of challenging moments for this participant, as she was growing up in the Philippines. There seemed to be resistance to fully disclose hardships, as it would have related back to the family, which was clearly protected, not just by this participant but by all.

One Filipina described sitting on the grass, playing with dragonflies and grasshoppers, and playing with neighbors. This was a special memory because she also had a strained relationship with her mother and was raised mostly by her grandparents and extended family members. However, life in the Philippines, with all its simplicity, was recalled with warmth.

One interesting reflection by another participant was about her privilege in the Philippines. “My family owned land. We had a resort and entertained a lot. I had a lot of friends. I was considered pretty because I was mestiza.” For this participant, life’s simplicity in the Philippines was due to the predictability of her life. She knew that she could rely on her and her parents’privilege. She was used to this lifestyle, which she did not indicate as rich but as comfortable and safe.

As the participants reflected on the simplicity of their lives in the Philippines, the Quechua term Nayra Pacha comes to mind, as well as the Filipino saying ang pagalaala sa kasaysayan ay siya ring pagalaala sa hinaharap. Both terms, quoted by Mangahas and Llaguno (2006), remind one of the future and remembering the past. Most of the participants’memories from the Philippines were composed of a combination of a modest life and a level of unawareness resulting in bliss, with experiences in part predestined by past colonization. The participants’memory of colonization, taught at school or in the home, was primarily about Magellan (a colonizer) and Lapu-Lapu (an Indigenous Filipino) and how the conqueror was defeated by the conquest. No participants mentioned the precolonial Babaylans previously mentioned in this study.Again, the Babaylans were reportedly the last to surrender to the Spaniards and led the most violent oppositions to colonization.Ababaylan was quoted to have foreseen the destruction that colonization would bring to the Pilipino people in that the Indigenous ways would perish. By the time each participant was born, the story of the Babaylan may have been known only to a few.

This may bring up a question of the participants’knowledge of history and colonization, as they were brought up in a postcolonized Philippines.As Jean-Paul Satre (1961) stated as a preface in Fanon’s The Wretched of the Earth,

The Third World discovers itself and speaks to itself through this voice. We know it is not a uniform world, and it still contains subjected peoples, some of whom have acquired a false independence, others who are fighting to conquer their sovereignty, and yet others who have won their freedom, but who live under the constant threat of imperialist aggression. These differences are born out of colonial history, in other words, oppression. (Preface, lii)

Theme Two: Colonial Mentality and Its Effects: Observable at a Young

Age

Two participants directly referred to colonial mentality and defined it as an internalized hatred of oneself as Filipino. Colonial mentality is an internalized hatred of one’s Filipino-ness, an unconscious degradation of one’s Indigenous culture, while accepting the colonizer’s culture and beliefs as one’s own.As this study has mentioned, the European colonization ofAsian countries for political, cultural, religious, and economic expansion began in the early 1500s. Because the Philippines was colonized for about 400 years, the effects of colonialism are impactful and enduring.

Four of the participants described the Japanese invasion and how that was more reiterated in their families than the colonization by Spain and the United States. Three participants reported gratefulness to the United States for “rescuing us” from the Japanese.

Although most were aware of Catholicism, only some mentioned the role of the faith in their lives. Four participants specifically mentioned their faith as a part of their identity and an important part of their daily living.

All participants acknowledged features such as lighter skin, height, weight, hair, eyes, and nose as markers of beauty and judgment. These markers were used to compare siblings, classmates, peers, and communities.

Differential treatment between genders were reported as noticeable for all participants, whether it was through direct observation or in exploring their role as their parents’daughter.

Although the Philippines has been free from colonialism for over 60 years, these imprints and markers continue to impact the Filipino people and certainly these participants.

Colorism and Body Image: “White Is Right”

In remembering the history of the Philippines, one participant recalled studying about Cro-Magnons and how “Filipinos were known to be the short ones with pudgy noses.” She referred to skin-lightening products like papaya soap, because lighter-skinned people were “more beautiful and prettier.” The term egoy was used to describe someone darker skinned; it is a derogatory word. “I was called mestiza growing up and was told about ‘old wives’tales about my mother’s pregnancy cravings that enabled me to be fair-skinned.” She admitted learning that “White is beautiful” in the Philippines, which led to more racist beliefs and behaviors in the United States. “Whites are tall and powerful.”

Per another participant,

We had a doll, and we called her Beauty because she was a pretty blonde with curly hair. She was the epitome of beauty. How can I top that? Especially the light skin and blue eyes? We had an exchange student, and she looked like the doll; she was very tall. I was this dark, sweaty girl. I have a flat nose, thick lips, but I have good hair, which was a plus. But I had scabs all over my legs. You can’t unsee that. That’s just part of your identity.

During her interview, another participant almost immediately mentioned White supremacy and looking up to all things White, the Spaniard condescension toward Indigenous practices, and the desire to be lighter in skin color and “become more European,” because “being

European is better than the Filipino culture.” She investigated to ensure that she was part Spanish or mestiza, wanting to prove that she was not just Filipina because “being Filipino is just not good enough.” She was considered prettier than her sisters because she was lighter skinned, but she was “thicker” physically. There were constant comparisons when they were children, so she protected her skin by staying out of the sun.

One of the participants who is half Spaniard reflected about attending school with other “mestizas” and “being looked up to,” yet she still felt the insecurity of “not belonging,” so she did not always feel better about being lighter. Interestingly, being a lighter-skinned Filipina in the Philippines did not prepare her to be the brown-haired, brown-eyed Filipina compared to the blond, blue-eyed young women with whom she took classes in the United States. “Being mestiza put me on a different pedestal in my social circle. Then moving here . . . I don’t have blond hair and blue eyes. I was invisible.”

Another participant stated, “I stayed close with my friend group and was pretty introverted because I didn’t want to be constantly compared to my sister. I was the ugly sister.”

She lived in her sister’s shadow, while people poked fun at her weight, adding, “but you have a pretty face.”

Nadal (2011) reported Filipinos being referred to asAmericans’“little brown brothers.”

The standards of beauty that consisted of tall noses, lighter skin, and straight hair persists as evidenced by the participants’experiences in the Philippines and the United States.Although three participants reported a level of acceptance of their appearance, all participants recalled a time in their lives when their appearance was too salient and painful to see. Indigenous Pilipino characteristics are not represented in the standards of beauty and are still considered to be unattractive; this was reflected in participant narratives.As Kiang and Takeuchi (2009) reported,

the standards of beauty are gender specific: women are judged based on their appearance, and this was certainly a common theme among the participants of this study.

Faith and Religion

Four of the participants acknowledged their faith as an important part of their identity, as children in the Philippines and as adults in the United States. Six reported knowledge of the Spanish influence and colonization that brought Christianity and Catholicism to the Filipino people.

Two of the participants found faith-based groups and friendships in the United States wherein they felt a sense of belonging, with one Filipina who stated, I found a group of friends who understood where I was coming from. My current role model now is St. Thérése, a saint known to do simple things but offers it to God. So, even the small things like preparing meals for my family or cleaning the house, though I complain, I just switch my mindset and offer it up to God.

One participant described comfort with church and church folks. She derived security from church, as her parents are religious and always looked for a church in their communities. If she did not have church and “had to fight to have a social life, I would have been eaten alive. I actually wanted to be a nun at some point.” Per another participant, “Catholicism was born after pagan religion in the Philippines. I’m proud to be Catholic; it’s part of my culture.”

As previously reported in this research, Spanish colonization of the Philippines was due to territorial acquisition and religious conversion. Catholicism continues to be the primary religion in the Philippines, and one of the main impacts of the Catholic religion was the introduction of male and female roles.Although Spain brought Catholicism to the Philippines, the United States established theAmerican way of education, which included English as the mode of instruction and now one of two national languages in the Philippines.

Language: English Is Better Than Filipino Languages

Tagalog is the main language used in the Philippines. However, according to Translators Without Borders (2010), a global community of over 100,000 members helping people get vital information and be heard, there are over 120 languages spoken in the Philippines. English is the national language along with Tagalog.As previously mentioned in this study, English is the main method of teaching in all levels of education in the Philippines, as confirmed by the participants of this research.

Two of the participants remembered consequences if one spoke Tagalog or another language other than English at school. One remembered having to put money in a jar if caught speaking another language other than English, and she does not know where the money went. Another reported detention as punishment for speaking Tagalog or another language in school. Although Tagalog was spoken when the participants were in their Filipino-related classes, such asAraling Panlipunan (a subject intended to teach about Philippines history, culture, and society), three of the participants admitted to having the most difficulty in such classes.

Aparticipant reflected on her regret about not teaching her children Tagalog. She openly wondered why as she and her husband speak Tagalog to each other but not to their children. She described how her children now say that “it’s too late” and “they should have started earlier.”

She acknowledged awareness of the moments when she and her husband speak to each other in Tagalog and switch to English when they speak to their children.

Another participant reported being “encouraged to speak English” at school, and although she spoke both Tagalog and English at home, she “looked forward to speaking English in the United States because of the ‘encouraged’English at Filipino schools.”

One of the participants stated, “We don’t stand out, but not in a negative way, and we are accepted in the community right away in part because we speak the language (she meant English).”

Two of the participants spoke languages other than Tagalog and English at home. They both reported speaking their native languages at school, as well as Tagalog and English, but neither openly reported an issue with having to speak another language apart from their native ones.

One participant reflected about education in the United States and “pushing back as her teachers pushed her because the message was that the colonizers were better than she.” She credited therapy to have helped her understand how colonization has affected her mental health and confidence, but that she is “not quite there yet.”

Five of the participants reported shame about having “an accent” in the United States, as they were called FOBs (fresh off the boat), and their English was still “not good enough.” One Filipina explained her “pride as anAsian who spoke English initially feeling rightful to live in the United States being bilingual and connected to theAmerican culture in the Philippines.”

However, if one did not speak likeAmericans, it really did not matter if one spoke English at all. “How can you win?” she asked.

The United States changed the Philippines by changing its infrastructure, introducing industrialization and public education wherein English was the primary mode of instruction. The impact of this introduction goes beyond public education and instruction. Noticeable in the interviews were interspersed Tagalog words, reiterating emotions and experiences that could not be translated in English. During consultation about this research project, a mentor repeated the phrase “language of the relationship,” which is the connection one feels when speaking one’s

native language with another. During the interviews, there was clearer understanding when Tagalog words were interwoven with English, loose English translations incapable of capturing the emotional truths of certain words.

This theme is reminiscent of a previously noted precolonial Pilipino language that did not assign gender and precolonial writing called the Baybayin, nearly decimated by colonization. If the “Mother Tongue” indeed exists in the core of the participants, then, as Fanon (1963) stated, there is the “secret hope of discovering . . . beyond this self-hatred, this abdication and denial, some magnificent and shining era that redeems us in our own eyes and those of others” (p. 148).

Okazaki et al. (2008) encouraged paying attention to colonial discourses and their legacies to appreciate the effects of such colonizing regimes on postcolonial people. The fact is, Filipinos were taught to speak English, and English was taught as the more elite language. Furthermore, participants were taught that the United States was the superior country the land of golden opportunities.

America Is the Savior

This theme ranged from the participants’reports of how the Philippines was saved from Spanish colonization or Japanese occupation, to how anythingAmerican in the Philippines was better.

Three of the participants mentioned the Japanese occupation and “how lucky we are for American colonization,” as the Philippines was “saved” from the Japanese and “other nations.” One Filipina talked aboutAmerican colonization as “positive for us because it saved us from the atrocities of the Japanese invasion.” Two participants described Filipinos as “more adaptable and stronger as individuals” due to colonization.Another participant recalled learning about

colonization and how it “benefitted the country.” In school, she learned that the Philippines was “handed over to the United States after Spain was defeated.”

One participant reported her learning about the purchase of the Philippines for $20,000,000 by the United States from Spain, so the Philippines was “rescued.” However, this was also her beginnings of believing that being more European was better than being Filipino.

One participant thought of the United States as “White people” given her experiences of the United States in the Philippines. When she migrated to the United States, she was surprised to see Black andAsian folks.

Three participants reported “American experiences” in the Philippines, such as celebration of Halloween and Thanksgiving. In the 1970s and 1980s, these were not typical celebrations in the Philippines. Two of the participants reported non-Filipinos in their schools and vacationing in areas of the Philippines that were known to beAmerican camps. One participant reported watching her father play golf a sport that was only available in military bases. The participants who reported having theseAmerican experiences were ones whose parents were exposed to the United States in one way or another: a parent who was a part of the United States military, a parent/both parents who worked or even attended school in the United States, and one or both parents who lived in the United States prior to the participants’births.

The participants recognized that their exposure to the United States was subtle, progressive, and skewed. They mentionedAmerican movies with happy endings, positive stories from relatives and friends who lived in the United States,American music, food, and restaurants popularized in the Philippines, and many others they thought should have prepared them for their journey to becomeAmerican citizens.

This study reported “benevolent assimilation” as the way that the United States subjugated the native Filipinos. This devious, gradual, and powerful way of expansion, with a liberal slant in comparison to the past colonizer, has resulted in internal conflicts as described in Fanon’s (1963) claim that “preceding generations have simultaneously resisted the insidious agenda of colonialism and paved the way for the emergence of current struggles” (p. 145).

Gender and Role as a Daughter

All participants noted the prominence of their gender and role as daughters in the Philippines.Although, as previously noted in this study, the Philippines differs from mostAsian countries given a more egalitarian role between men and women, the participants’narratives painted a different story. All participants in this research reiterated feeling love from their parents, caregivers, and family members; there was not a difference felt or reported in how daughters were loved in comparison to sons. However, the treatment, role, and expectations were apparent.

One of the participants reported that as the eldest, there was much expected from her. She also remembered overcompensating as a daughter because her father wanted a son.Although she has three siblings, her father brought flowers for her mother in the hospital only after giving birth to her brother. She remembered watching the women in her life and, at a young age, making the decision to be financially independent so that she would never have to rely on a husband. She further stated learning that even though the man may earn the money, it was the woman who accounts for everything. She was also taught that gender differences in the Philippines exist because girls can get pregnant, and their reputations damaged. There was a double standard that men can be womanizers, but women cannot do the same thing. Filipino boys were spoiled

because that’s what the culture preferred. The best schools in the Philippines were allboys’schools. I didn’t challenge authority, especially as a girl. In the Philippines, when you got married, as a woman you were expected to be home with the kids.

Another participant recalled “gendered schooling” wherein the girls learned how to cook, crochet, and sew, whereas boys learned carpentry and woodwork. She also characterized her father as the one who worked outside of the home, whereas her mother “socialized and entertained,” although her mother held a college degree. She was told for her entire life that her parents wished that she was a boy because she already had an older sister. Her parents were not prepared for another child, but “we were Catholic, so my parents didn’t use protection:” hence, they hoped that because her mother was pregnant, she would have been a boy. Her brother, who was the only son, had different rules; he was able to do whatever he wanted and was named after their father.

One participant remembered that her father did not want to do “women tasks” like cooking. She was told that she had to do what her father wanted because he was “the head of the household.” The women were doing everything around her father. She recalled getting in trouble because she would “question why.” The men would yell and had “the last say.” The answer to “why,” even if it did not make sense, was because “he’s your dad.” She observed that although her father “brought home the money,” her mother made the decisions about the money and budgeting.An observation that she noted in her family was that although her father seemed to “bring home the money,” her mother worked too and seemed to be the primary breadwinner. However, when the family bought things or ate at restaurants, it was her father who “had to appear like he’s paying.” Her ongoing, internal conflicts about her gender was apparent when she reflected about her role as a daughter in the Philippines:

Laugh, but not too hard. You have to be quiet, reserved, feminine, smart, pretty, cultured. Don’t speak out or question too much. You have to cook too. You have to sit a certain way. You have to say the right thing at the right time; a meek person, but with some personality. It’s like getting mixed messages at school because it’s good to be smart, but not too smart because people would get upset. She referred to other mothers of classmates who displayed competitiveness and teachers who blamed her for a busy schedule, instead of reinforcing her efforts. She excelled in school but felt like she had to “fit in a certain box.” She quoted a poster she had on her bedroom wall: I give them perfection, but they want more.

Another participant described her relationship to her father: “I’m the son he never had.” She played or watched sports with her father: golf, tennis, basketball, and boxing. It seemed like she was his child and not just his daughter. Her father was also “softer than her mother. He waited until he was needed and did not require any attention.”

Aparticipant reported, “As a daughter and the youngest, I had to follow rules. I had to listen to what my parents said. Listen to your siblings, and even if they hurt you, you can’t hurt them back because that’s disrespectful.” Her brother was the clear favorite in the family, and she adored him. She reported one of her roles as taking care of her brother and giving him whatever he wanted. She shared a powerful story that seemed to combine her struggle with beauty standards based on whiteness and the cultural and familial preference for boys: They raised chickens. During meals, her brother got the chicken breast without doing anything in raising the chickens. Everyone else got the legs and the wings.

I sat there and thought, “I’m not gonna win this.” So, I chose the giblet. I chose the giblet because I didn’t want them to see me lose all the time. I wanted them to think that I didn’t

want the breast anyway because the giblet was so good. No one was gonna argue with me because nobody wanted the giblet. This carries through adulthood. My brother gotAdidas shoes, I got hand-me-downs My dad wanted another boy and thought I was going to be a boy, so I was named after him. His favorite was my brother, then my sister, who was pretty and light skinned. So, going back to the giblet, I thought, “well, I’m not a boy and I’m not pretty,” so I became a tomboy. In our town, I was a tomboy until I put on my school uniform; then I became a girl.

She acknowledged confusion and internal conflict as a girl in the Philippines and as a woman in the United States today. The internal conflict connected to this particular story was prominent for this participant throughout her interview.

Per another participant, she “never thought about gender roles because it was just what I did.” Her role was to be a rule follower and to be a good daughter. “Do what I was told, do good in school, don’t get in trouble. Being the good daughter what typical Filipino girls were: to be meek and do what you were told by your parents or anyone older than you.”

Of the themes prior to migration or the revealed plan of migration, gender and the role of the daughter seemed to elicit the most painful recollections. It is noteworthy that the participant who reported less gender-related issues in the Philippines also reported an extremely successful mother and a family wherein independence was reiterated.

In the spirit of the Babaylan, the precolonial Pilipino woman was revitalized by these narratives. The babaylan were mostly elderly women but, as stated in this study, were considered the spiritual and cultural leaders of the Pilipino people. The babaylans reportedly lived during a time when there was equity between classes and genders. Due to colonization, gender roles were transformed from more egalitarian to women becoming subordinate to men and persisted even

with a more liberal United States.Although women seemed to have increased status under American colonization, the previously instituted social and economic classes, along with traditional gender roles, have made it difficult for women to reestablish true equity.

Postcolonial feminism theory (Tyagi, 2014), as described in this study, recognizes colonized women and their struggles against colonization and patriarchy. This theory exemplifies the Filipina’s struggle against her Filipino brothers, as well as other women (mainly White, westernized women), who reinforce her silence.Although these Filipina participants experienced clear gender roles in the Philippines, their migration to the United States exposed them to other inequities that they did not expect.

Theme Three: Migration Is Not a Choice

Based on the reports, participants did not have a choice in migrating to the United States. One participant reported a choice in migration, although she ultimately joined her parents following negative experiences as a very young college student in the Philippines without parental support. Mostly, the participants had no choice in migration and had very little time to prepare for their departure. This reality reflectedAkhtar (1995), who quoted Grinberg and Grinberg’s (1989) observation that parents may migrate voluntarily, but children are always “exiled” they are not the ones who decide to leave, and they cannot return at will. Most participants reported that one parent wanted to move to the United States and had plans of migrating long before the participants became aware of the arrangement. Four of the participants reported conflict between their parents about leaving the Philippines, which ultimately resulted in migration.Along with the search for increased security, the revolution in the Philippines seemed to be a factor in the definitive choice to migrate.

The Marcos Regime and the Revolution

One participant recalled that at 9 years of age, she was aware that Benigno “Ninoy” Aquino, Ferdinand Marcos’opposition and staunch adversary, was assassinated as he returned to the Philippines after living in the United States for a few years. This assassination occurred in 1983 and revitalized opposition to Marcos, sparked a revolution, and catapulted Corazon “Cory” Aquino, Ninoy’s wife, to become the next president of the Philippines. This signified the demise of Marcos regime and the true end of martial law in the Philippines. She reported admiration for CoryAquino for being the first woman president in the Philippines and for being “a symbol of peaceful revolution.” This participant also thought of CoryAquino as “the mother of the country.” She remembered her family’s involvement in the EDSA(1986) Revolution, which was the People Power Revolution in the Philippines, to end the dictatorship of Marcos and begin a new era of freedom and democracy. Her family immigrated to the United States in 1990 following an immediate necessity and family crisis.

Another participant recalled her family’s political affiliations and involvement in the Philippines. She mentioned knowledge of the Marcos regime and the revolution, specifically remembering her mother’s involvement politically. She was also from a place in the Philippines well-known for its part in World War II, hence known for its political affiliations.As someone who was raised by a strong, educated, and politically involved mother, she recognized her privilege, and the disparities in the Philippines.As the People’s Revolution occurred and she witnessed her mother’s involvement in the protests, she also became aware of the protestors’ vulnerability via her mother.

One participant stated that CoryAquino was a role model for her as the first woman president of the Philippines. This participant was in high school during the revolution. She was impressed by CoryAquino’s simultaneous experiences of grief for her assassinated husband and

presidential position during the country’s revolution. She recalled the revolution as meaningful but also a way to celebrate: “It was a party in a way.”

It was not certain whether the participants’families’decision to migrate coincided with the revolution in the Philippines and if the revolution could have further affected their quality of life. However, the People’s Revolution and the Marcos regime were spontaneous reflections for the research participants when asked about the Philippines history in their memory. This time in their lives seemed impactful and memorable although they were still very young when the revolution occurred.

The American Dream: The Land of Opportunity Awaits

TheAmerican Dream was not the dream for any of the participants. For the most part, it was a parent’s dream or both parents’dreams. For the participants, the dream meant an uprooting that was sudden and jarring. Most were unprepared, and some had deep feelings of anger, sadness, and confusion.

One participant reported an admiration and longing for her father’s vision that tended to be the “big picture.” She reported that although her mother wanted to stay in the Philippines, her father wanted to have a better life as promised in the United States. He was disillusioned by the revolution in the Philippines. He was familiar with the “ways of the United States” because he was exposed to the country earlier in his life. He believed that he and his children could achieve theAmerican Dream and make more of themselves inAmerica. Her father had a positive view of the United States, and he was determined to become successful.

Aparticipant reported that her father spent time in the United States before she was born. He resided in the United States for an internship before returning to the Philippines to marry her mother. Her father had dreams of returning toAmerica, and when the time came to fulfill his

American Dream, she was very angry about it. She was also resentful and afraid to leave her home that was, to her, “familiar and fun.” Her father’sAmerican Dream was for his children to “make it on their own” without reliance on inheritance or their parents. Ironically, his dream of becoming financially independent did not come true, but his dream for his children’s independence did.

One participant reported that her mother had lived in the United States before marrying her father and before the participant and her siblings were born. Her mother was constantly working, and desired to return to the United States for a better life, finances, and education. According to the participant, her mother also “wanted to give back to family back home. She wanted to ensure that she could provide monetary support so that family could be supported for the rest of their lives, and people could attend school.” There was a big emphasis on education for her family. Her mother also thought that had they stayed in the Philippines, her mother would have been like other Filipino women who became pregnant with multiple children they could not feed.

Another participant shared that her mother had lived in the United States before the participant was born but would have preferred to stay in the Philippines. Her mother was a professional and had a wonderful reputation; her father was the one who wanted to move to the United States for a better opportunity. Her father also lived in the United States for a long period of time, as he was in the military.As the only participant who was given a choice in migrating (her family emphasized independence), she initially chose to stay in the Philippines.As a young college student, she experienced her first serious ailment without her parents, followed by a major earthquake. This was enough for her to realize that she needed to be closer to her parents, but she did not migrate out of pure desire.

For another participant, both parents wanted to immigrate to the United States for a better life. She stayed behind with her brothers, cared for by family members. Her father was employed by anAmerican company, and her parents felt that the United States would offer a better life for all of them. The desire to be with her parents was stronger than the desire to stay in the Philippines. She felt like her parents migrated during a pivotal time for her, and she longed for her time with them.

Yet another participant reported that her father had the dream “of a better life” for the family. He had worked at one of theAmerican bases in the Philippines. She said that it was “his plan all along to move.” She dreaded leaving and began the countdown as the time came to move. She was sad about leaving her friends and hoped that there was something that would keep them from migrating. Nothing did. There were expectations as “they were already set their English skills were good; better than otherAsians.”

The land of opportunity the United States represented seemed to be desired by one parent or both, or a promise to the colonized living in the postcolonized land. Five of the participants had a parent who had previous exposure to the United States. The parents’background seemed to fit the post-1965 immigrant model of those who were granted permission to enter the United States and ones employed as military personnel. These experiences seemed to have a compelling effect on the “pull” towards the United States for the entire family.

David and Nadal (2013) contended that although no empirical studies in psychology investigated whether colonialism and its effects have influenced FilipinoAmerican experiences prior to their immigration to the United States, theAmerican way of living in the Philippines seemed to suggest that colonial mentality and its effects extended to Filipino lives outside the Philippines. Furthermore, Espiritu’s (2003) warning about the voluntary immigrant seems

embedded in these narratives the idea that Filipino immigrants choose to leave the Philippines may not be accurate because centuries of colonization have shaped their thinking.

The Migration Story

One participant reported her narrative as “the atypical migration story.” She referred to her story as such given the circumstances that propelled her family to move to the United States. Initially, this research project excluded Filipinas who did not travel with family members or caregivers because that might change the participant’s experience. However, the criteria were widened after conducting the interviews and reviewing the data. The participants’experiences seemed to be more affected by factors before and after the actual journey to the United States.

The two participants who traveled to the United States by themselves reported that they had no other choice. For one participant, the migration on her own was due to a family crisis. For the other, her parents had gone ahead to the United States with no one else with whom she could travel. Both participants reported a level of bravado during their journey, and one had assistance via conversation and reassurance by an older woman, another Filipina traveler who may have noticed the participant on her own. Both were taken to the airport and received by family or close family friends and were immediately reunited with loved ones.

I had no choice. I was really tired and really scared. I was sad…just a jumble of emotions. I’m pretty sure I cried on the plane, but it’s all a distant memory and I just can’t remember. I remember meeting the lola (grandma) I can’t remember how she looked or what her name was, but it was a highlight having someone to talk to.

This participant may have had a level of dissociation during her journey to the United States. The trauma of her family crisis and traveling alone can only be assumed to have affected her, but she did not and could not elaborate on the effects.

Another participant was determined to stay back and attend the university that her mother attended.Ayounger college student, she chose to stay back while her parents migrated to the United States. Her parents dropped her off at her school dorms on the same day that they left, paid for her tuition, and established a bank account for her. In reflecting about this, she focused on her determination to “make it on her own and start making decisions.”An ailment and the big 1990 earthquake in the Philippines changed her plans, and she decided to ask for a plane ticket to join her parents in the United States. She was advised to ask questions and was encouraged to be brave and she was able to make the journey on her own. “I was afraid and I disliked the feeling of flying, but I never had a doubt that I would get home.”

One participant explained that her life in the Philippines felt luxurious, though they were not rich. It was when her parents emigrated to the United States, leaving her with a family member that she felt sad and lonely, longing to be reunited. She waited for 3 years before she could reunite with her parents, so she was excited to do so. She journeyed with her brother and an uncle, and the airplane ride was “horrible.” “I think I had to take tranquilizers, and I slept the whole time. I couldn’t eat at all as I was sick to my stomach. I do remember a layover in Japan, where we were able to stay the whole day.”

Another participant had vivid memories of her immigration to the United States, including the dread of leaving. She did not want to leave her home and comfortable life. She had hoped until the last minute that their travel as a family would be cancelled. She recalled the plane ride as a combination of hilarity and reality.

We had boxes instead of suitcases. My dad pointed out these free things in the bathroom, which I took plenty of they were toilet seat covers. I excitedly ate what I thought were grapes and spat them out because they were olives. She compared her actual immigration

story to the movie, Coming to America, a comedy of two people who experienced America for the first time.

Aparticipant reflected on the critical period when she migrated to the United States.

During the period when her family was planning the move, she remembered questioning “who she was and who she was supposed to be. I noticed that moreAmerican ways were valued, but being Filipino was also reiterated. I didn’t even know what being Filipino meant, but I remember telling myself that I was gonna be as Filipino as possible.” She did not have a choice in leaving and did not want to leave. Her mother and older sister traveled first, then she, her father, and younger sister followed. She and her older sister were distraught, but her younger sister was more excited about some promises of “the promised land.” She recalled hiding her tears while on the plane, embarrassed that she did not feel thankful, although she had a feeling that she was supposed to be grateful.

Although the participants’expectations of the United States were based on their parents’, caregivers’, and other loved ones’accounts, six hoped thatAmerica was as the movies portrayed.

Three participants had intentions of returning to the Philippines, and three just wanted to be reunited with their families who migrated first.

The participants’recollections of migration are reminders ofAkhtar’s (1999ab, 1995) writings about overwhelming losses, such as familiar food, native music, social customs, and even one’s native language. The adolescent who has to leave their country against their will complicates adaptation, as one was not able to say goodbye to peers properly, which prevents anticipatory mourning. “Double mourning” (van Essen, 1999) can occur because as the adolescent is unable to mourn losses properly, they may also have difficulty in exerting autonomy from their parents and difficulty joining new peer groups.

Theme Four: Life inAmerica

Participants received promises of better opportunities, excellent education, and a life richer than that in the Philippines. While living in the Philippines, the participants did not have to contend directly with racial differences as they did in the United States.Ainslie et al. (2013) discussed the unattainable White ideal thatAsian immigrants must struggle with while attempting to mourn their losses. Eng and Han (2000) described racial melancholia as the result of problematic assimilation and racialization processes faced by theAsian immigrant in the United States. The Filipina participants were resigned, as opposed to excited, to leave their native country for a new home. There were general feelings of fear, uncertainty, and sadness.Afew were angry and resentful even before their arrival. What they had to face in the United States went beyond expectations and preparation, and not necessarily positive ways

Fresh Off the Boat

Aparticipant reflected on friends’shock that they were moving their life was wonderful in the Philippines. They were considered rich and had everything they needed. She recalled a level of shock when they arrived in the United States, as her father was the only one who experienced and preferred the “American life.” She seemed most affected by the lack of preparation to attend school in the United States. Her father wanted her to develop connections, go to school, and find work, so that she was not just “stuck at home.” She reported difficulty in college because people could not seem to understand her speech because of her accent. They asked her to repeat herself, which made her feel self-conscious. She had to solicit help from her youngest sister, who “picked up the accent right away,” to teach her to “speak without the accent.” She admitted to feelings of disappointment as she and her family got used to daily life in America, which included doing everything themselves. She missed the help they had in the

Philippines. “My parents…we…were already established in the Philippines, with social circles. InAmerica, we’re just part of the general public.”

Per another participant:

My first memory of being in the U.S. was being with family and friends, seeing and eating the largest crabs, and waking up by myself the next day because everyone had to be at work and school. I remember seeing Crisco for the first time, and even though I wanted to cook an egg, I didn’t and I had cereal instead. I remember going to the mall and seeing Esprit, and that was huge in the Philippines! I was so excited to get the bags for free! Everyone in the Philippines would have wanted that bag, but it would not have been for free.

She also described her initial experiences at school wherein she ate by herself in the library, feeling afraid and lonely, because she did not know what to do in the lunchroom with other students who did not look like her.

Per one participant, her arrival in the United States was emotional as she was reunited with her parents. “I noticed the smell right away. My parents used to send a box full of presents from the U.S., and I remember that the boxes smelled like the U.S. They smelled like air fresheners, laundry detergent, or fabric softeners. Chocolates and shoes in the box had the ‘American smell.’” It was comforting to her, so when she arrived, she describedAmerica as “clean and crisp. It was bigger than what I imagined; the temperature was better, and it was really quiet.” She witnessed her first peer fight in the United States and was shocked by her peers, seemingly more liberated and outspoken. She felt at a crossroad to “Americanize herself.”

She described discrimination from other Filipinos who called her a FOB (fresh off the boat), and this saddened her. She recalled carrying all of her books and supplies in her backpack because

she could not open her locker. It made her wonder what others thought of her, and it made her feel like a FOB. She noticed a distinct difference between her high school peers and herself, and it made her feel uncomfortable and isolated she called this her “FOB mentality.”

One participant remembered, “America was so clean, posts were straight; everything was cleaner, bigger, and smelled good.” This made her reflect further, “I was so good at starting from nothing, but how do you get up from being in the middle? So I just worked myself down to work my way up. But I’m literally always in the middle.” She was confused at school all of her life being told to be quiet. “Don’t do this. Don’t do that. You shouldn’t do things thatAmericans don’t do. SeeingAmerican kids are all over the place, so I found myself sitting in the corner, not knowing what to do.” She remembered that her sisters worked for fast food restaurants. She wanted to help the family out by washing their clothes, and she thought that theAmerican Dream is where they are supposed to have a better life, but “they stink.”

Another participant reminisced that the United States was not what she thought it would be. She remembered the bright sunshine, but it was also brown and underdeveloped. She thought things would be greener and that there would be snow. She was disappointed that snow only fell in certain parts of the country. She feltAmerica to be a downgrade from her life in the Philippines. “People made fun of my accent. Kids my age looked older than I did. My mom insisted that my sisters and I speak English so that we can speak clearly to our peers. I remember not speaking at all, so I had issues with making friends.” She reflected on how she attempted to belong, “in order to be accepted, I have to behave a certain way.At first, I had to learn external markers like dressing a certain way, because if I dress this way, I was too Filipino and I would have a hard time making friends.” She remembered doing certain things that highlighted her difference from her peers, like standing up in class when a teacher called on her to answer a

question. She recalled a fight in school, being shocked, and feeling sad that other Filipinos were not nice to her. She remembered having to shave her legs because everyone else did. “It was moving back and forth between lots of spaces.”

Mangahas and Llaguno (2006) reiterated Espiritu’s (2003) argument against the voluntary immigrant narrative; they also described the Filipino diaspora as involuntary because it may have been driven by “an unconscious desire to live in the master’s house due to years of colonial miseducation.”As the participants described their initial experiences in the United States, it was clear that the expectations set by their parents did not prepare them for the immediate changes that they needed to make to belong. In many cases, the choice of invisibility was a better one because to be visible was more painful.

Acculturative Stress and Family Changes

Not all participants directly characterized their experiences as acculturative stress, but for those who did not, it was implied. Many changes occurred during the first year of each participant’s life in the United States. The changes in family dynamics were shocking for some, incredibly difficult for most, and life-changing for all.According to Dela Cruz et al. (2017), upon arrival in the United States, immigrants adopt the host culture’s customs and norm, which include attitudes and behaviors.Although the participants all had a level of exposure to American culture, living in the United States presented stressors for which none of them were prepared. One participant reported that in the Philippines, her father worked outside of the home and her mother was busy with entertainment and socializing. Once in the United States, both of her parents were at home, and although that offered increased closeness, it was different. Moving to the U.S. was a reality check for me. I couldn’t get a job right away because our visas were still getting fixed. I went from being the most popular girl in

school to not knowing anyone. I was at home, gaining weight and becoming depressed. I had to learn how to use public transportation. We were a part of the 2 percenters. I remember my brother asking me how it felt to be a nobody.

She described her family’s story as “riches to rags” because even though they were able to buy a house in the United States, they lived a life that was below average. Her father was always at home, and her mother became the “maid” of the family; it was a “humbling experience.”

Another participant claimed that much of what was happening was “swept under the rug.” Conversations did not exist to process their new experiences as a family. Most of the time was spent searching for a home and attempting to create social circles, which was difficult for her. “My family just went with the flow. I went with the flow. I was always encouraged to respect authority and not challenge the norm, so I didn’t.”

Per another participant, there was linear progression of life in the Philippines: “Go to college, finish with a four-year degree even if it’s not your dream or what you want.” She described her life in the United States as what was expected from her without much deviation from the linear progression taught in the Philippines. Her life in the United States was not easy, especially in the beginning. She recalled having lived with 11 people in one house at one point. There was an expectation of a better life in the United States, given their crisis as a family in the Philippines.Although she had to do chores and help in the house, she described a level of excitement over some independence that was not allowed in the Philippines. She stated, “This was gonna be our new home, and we just had to get used to it.” She also remembered one significant difference related to her mother, and that was a change from being a professional, corporate woman to a caregiver. She did not elaborate on how that felt, but she did express extreme pride for her mother.

One participant noted, “My mother prepared me for some changes. Although there were conveniences like automatic water instead of having to gather some and a constant source of electricity unlike the constant power outages in the Philippines, there were no maids; there was no help.” She described her struggle as a young woman in the United States who felt younger than her peers. She did not feel as liberated or independent as her peers displayed. She felt attached to her parents, describing her parents’departure from the Philippines as leaving her “wanting to be babied” in the United States. Even after she graduated from high school, she wanted to stay with her parents and help them. She gravitated toward church to find her social outlets. She described other social circles as difficult and impossible to navigate.

Another participant remembered money issues in the Philippines as a catalyst for seeking better opportunities in the United States. They were going to receive an education and “strive for theAmerican Dream.”Arriving in the United States meant being proper and no longer running around “like a tomboy.” She did not initially reside with her parents when they arrived; she lived in an aunt’s house down the street from her parents. The rules were clear: there were many “can’ts,” which were the opposite of what she did in the Philippines.

I was hidden because I still liked the fact that I was a tomboy because it gave me the moxie to do some things. I like that part of me, but I also wanted to be a girl who wore pastel colors just like the popular girls. The boy was gone, but I was still a dork. With all of her internal turmoil, she did not want to create problems for her family. Her parents were struggling to sustain the family. Eventually, six members of her family lived in a twobedroom condo. She described adolescence inAmerica as akin to “having uneven footing, straddling two cultures, and having to maneuver in a sensitive way because she did not want to be the problem.” Because she and her family were the newer ones to immigrate to the United

States, she was employed as “the help” for a family member over the summer. This essentially meant that during her high school summer, she was at that family member’s house during the work week. “How can I be anAmerican if I have to constantly fulfill my Filipino duty?” She reported attending the “good school” for high school, the one that mostly White kids attended. The high school that other Filipinos attended was “on the other side of town,” and although she befriended some of these folks, she acknowledged a level of shame in doing so. “Their houses smelled like fried Filipino food, and it smelled so I tried to wash it out.” She felt primed in coming toAmerica because she was told that it was a “great country.” She was told that it would be a better place where she could wear the clothes she could not in the Philippines and “become American.” She thought that she could assert herself but discovered that dressing a certain way did not address the insecurity. “Looking a certain way or dressing a certain way doesn’t cure or fix it.”

Another participant stated, “My mom never learned how to drive in the U.S. So we had to drive around with my dad, who didn’t want to leave us at home as we took my mom to her jobs.” She reflected about her father’s depression and change after arriving in the United States. It was clear that he was unhappy, but her mother referred to him as just “grumpy.” Her parents fought often, and she felt the brunt of her father’s depression. She recalled acculturation being so difficult for her family that her older sister returned to the Philippines, and she and her younger sister were once left to celebrate Christmas by themselves. “My parents had to work, so my sister and I spent Christmas crying. We had this small tree on top of our kitchen table.”

The discrepancy between expectations and the reality ofAmerican living was immediately apparent to the participants. The narratives were reminders ofAinslie’s (2013, 1998) statement about immigrants and how they mourn places, people, and culture, so much so

that they develop strategies to reduce or deny their sense of loss.Although the participants’ stories and their current existence show faster acculturation than their parents, the process was not without stress and trauma.

The participants’experiences also exemplified the struggle between the Filipino “weness” and theAmerican “I.”Although their family systems attempted to maintain closeness, America’s insistence on independence was confusing.As mentioned in this research study, this affects women’s roles, which also affects their self-esteem and sense of control over their lives (Napholz et al., 2010; NationalAsian Women’s Health Organization, 2000). It further exacerbates their internal conflicts about being Filipino women and how they might properly represent their families.

Model Minority

Any group or person who is categorized as a model minority (typically used forAsian American groups) also experiences discrimination and prejudice. The implication is that the model minority is better than other immigrants or people from disadvantaged communities. This also means that one does not receive necessary resources or assistance and is pitted against another for these resources or recognition. TheAsianAmerican or Filipino immigrant is posed as the better immigrant, which poses a threat. Park (2008) argued that once theAsian American fails as a model minority, they are immediately cast as the perpetual foreigner who cannot comply with WhiteAmerican standards.

I was and am still a goodie-goodie. I followed the rules, that’s my personality. I’m a rule follower. I like making people happy, you know? I wanted to make my parents happy. Their expectations of me have always been to get good grades and not get pregnant before finishing college.

One participant also reiterated the importance of good grades and getting through college without getting pregnant. “It was important to make my parents proud.”

Another participant reflected on her awareness of her identity as she arrived in the United States.Attending US schools made her feel even more confused and desperate to belong, stand out, but not too much, and not become tooAmerican. “Maybe I gotta get rid of my accent? Maybe they would accept me more? Then when you’re around other Filipinos, you have to be Filipino again right?” She talked about pondering her future and being terrible in math. She wondered if she decided to be bad in math to “fight the stereotype.” She thought about expectations that she moved past, like becoming a nurse. Topics such as getting married and having children had to be negotiated. She reflected about whether she “fought hard so that she did not fit into a mold, while not knowing what she truly wanted.”

One participant was encouraged to be independent and pursue education and a career with humility even before she immigrated to the United States.As a young high school graduate in the Philippines, she was able to pursue college at the age of 16 after migrating to the United States and nursing school shortly thereafter. She was always aware of being the youngest person in the room and the only Filipino in the room. “I wanted to fight the myth that I was some poor person from the Philippines who wanted a way out. That was not my story.” She reported “not feeling smart,” especially in a room with older folks who made sure that she knew that she looked different. In her case, it seemed that being smart and accomplishing so much at such a young age was still not adequate. There were more questions to answer, myths to unfold, and generalizations to protest.

The participants in this study were aware of the stereotypes of Filipinos, and some alluded to the term “model minority.”Although all of them struggled with stereotypes in their

own way, none of their struggles led them to rebel against too many of their family expectations.

Although statistics about teenage pregnancy, depression, suicidal ideation, and high school dropouts are mentioned in this research project, none of the participants directly reported such incidences. Espiritu (2003) also described the strain on Filipina daughters the ideal Filipina must uphold her family’s virtue and resist racial oppression through chastity. The emphasis on education and success results in the myth and dangerous illusion thatAsianAmericans can achieve theAmerican Dream, unlike other groups of color who are posed as inferior and prone to lives of crime (Nadal et al., 2012; Nadal & Sue, 2009; Sue & Sue, 2008). The participants’ difficulties have not so much manifested as they have been processed internally, evidenced by their current identity struggles.

The Promised Land Was Not as Promised

This theme produced mixed, dynamic results, as the participants continue to reside in the United States, some still seeking the promise. However, the promise was not just to the participants, but to their parents and families.As some reflected, it was clear that the promise was fulfilled for some, but not all members of a family.

One participant stated, “I didn’t really come out of my shell until college. If I had stayed in the Philippines, I would have been the typical Filipino teenager.” She referred to the typical Filipino teenager as following a linear path preset by her parents, although she also acknowledged that she did not deviate too much from this path in the United States. She further reflected about being “in between not being here or there, but somewhere in between.” She followed her father’s path and wonders about “missing out on her calling, but not knowing what that could be.” She focused her reflection on her current community and how it is more diverse than the community she had in the Philippines. She talked about her gratefulness for the

adversities in her life that had led to “her blessings today, including her husband.” She described having been more elitist and racist in the Philippines. “I’m blessed. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but I’ve had a good life. I’ve never gone hungry and I’ve never gone homeless. So for now, I feel blessed for what we have, and we’ve always had enough.”

Another participant reflected on her life in the United States.

I might not have a career, but I think because I’m so family-oriented that I’m able to do my part.At this stage of my life, I’m serving God. I’m able to balance my family, my Filipino culture, and myAmerican culture.

She also reported a distinct difference between her and her brothers "they have more control of what they do.” She wanted to go into pharmacology and loved history, but she did not pursue this. It was unclear why she did not. She described gratefulness for where she is today and for her ability to assist her parents and support her family, even though she did not finish the path that she was trying to create. “I would just tell myself, good job.”

For one participant, striving for theAmerican Dream that was promised meant confusion.

I’m not the blond, blue-eyed cheerleader, and I don’t know if I’m smart. Who should I be friends with? You hide a lot of stuff to fit in, right? There are multiple “mes” to belong.

My identities are very mixed, and I have different personalities.

Becoming an adult inAmerica was scary because she was used to being told what to do. She was called “disheveled” as she started college, and when her mother would ask her where she was going in life, she would reply, “I don’t know.”

These feelings of loss and confusion paralleled another participant’s sentiments.

Going to college was a struggle because I didn’t know what to do, and I had no direction. Money was also an issue. I applied to a master’s program after taking English as an undergrad major because I didn’t know what to do. It seemed like there was a promise, but not a blueprint on how to fulfill the promise. It seems fair to say that the promised land and theAmerican Dream were pictures painted for the participants, and although none of them blamed their parents, there was not a direct way to describe the fulfilled promise, if it was indeed fulfilled.As stated in this study, theAmerican Dream is often pursued by those who do not understand the amount of conflict and trauma it carries. It is a myth, and one that carries a hefty price of a shortened childhood and a string of broken dreams (Espiritu, 2003). The narratives describe paths created out of the necessity of survival, and along the way, the participants found a way to adapt

Theme Five: The Role of the Mother

According to Akhtar (1999a), although women suffer the pain of loss and nostalgia for their home country, they seem to adjust better in comparison to men. The participants’stories seem to reflect their mothers’vigor and forte, their industriousness and resourcefulness, both in the Philippines and in the United States. Without prompt, the participants reflected about their mothers while living in the Philippines and their mothers’roles in the United States. Some spoke fondly of their fathers as well, but mothers’roles were described in depth and with reference to strength and resilience.

It was not surprising that the participants noted their mothers’hard work and perseverance. Many women migrate as wives and mothers, and regardless of their educational attainment or career in their home countries, women may surrender it all to fulfill cultural

obligations at home, or they may be expected to fulfill these obligations while they are employed outside of the home.

The Mother’s Work is Never Done

“My mother is Spaniard. Her family migrated to the Philippines from Spain. Mom’s family had money and owned lands. My mother was and is a great cook. She graduated from college but was a stay-at-home-parent.” This participant described her mother as younger than her Filipino father and “in his shadow” after getting married. “She was mute up until a few years before my dad passed. Then she started finding her voice.” Her mother was a great entertainer and socialite in the Philippines, and although she did not work outside of the home, the participant reported her mother being busy enough that “she wasn’t able to attend some of my own school activities. But I knew that I was loved.” Her mother would have preferred to stay in the Philippines, as living inAmerica was her father’s dream. She reported that her mother immediately took on the role of their maid inAmerica without complaint. Her mother cooked, cleaned, and did everything for the family.

Another participant described an interesting dynamic that she observed from her mother and other women in the family:

We are strong and smart, but we allow the men to lead us. If we know that we make the decisions in the relationship, it is enough that we know, and we don’t have to let everyone else know it too. We look timid, shy, or quiet, but there’s a lot of strength beneath that.

One participant acknowledged a distant relationship with her mother since birth. Her mother was “part of the workforce and was gone all the time.” She knew that her mother earned more money than her father, but her father was the one who appeared to manage the money. Her mother had been employed overseas to provide for the family; she had also resided as a single

woman in the United States before she married. The participant reflected on her mother’s hard life, which resulted in the dream of a better life for herself and for her family. In the Philippines, she knew that her mother worked hard as evidenced by her absence. In the United States, that hard work took the form of multiple jobs.

One participant’s mother was the youngest of 11 children and valued intelligence and education. Her mother was well-known in their town but maintained a small circle of trusted friends.Although her mother had great influence in her town, those who thought they knew her mother “only conjured her in their minds.” This participant was somewhat relieved to leave the Philippines and the influence of her mother and her family. She wanted to be recognized for her abilities, as opposed to being granted opportunities based on “a phone call from her mother.” She identified her mother as one of her role models strong, with great conviction and a way of communicating that the participant could understand, provoking her thoughts. Her mother was smart and influential, and she wanted to always be a positive representation of her mother.

Another participant described her mother as her role model. It was not a perfect relationship because her mother had many stressors related to marriage, but her mother was strong. She talked about her father being away for long periods of time, and her mother took care of their home, their rice farm, and all five children. She described her mother as resourceful and an extremely hard worker.Although her maternal grandparents were not educated, they were able to leave property to her mother and her siblings, which they all tended.

My mother’s mind was not right at times. She was going through a lot. So, I had to make her proud as a daughter. I had to uphold the family name. Don’t get pregnant. Do good in school. It was tons of pressure. I still beat myself up today because I’m not smart.

The Mother’s Impact

Based on the reported roles of the participants’mothers, their impact was clear, but subtle. One of the participants conveyed that her role models in the Philippines were all women all powerful, smart, and strong, and one was a “symbol of a peaceful revolution.” Interestingly, she never knew how much her mother did until after her mother passed away.As the youngest of the siblings, all she remembered was her mother working outside of the home for many hours. She did not realize that her mother “worked up the corporate ladder” and became the vice president of a company. She learned that her mother helped with her siblings’education and bought groceries for other family members.

The mothers’work ethic was intricately connected and webbed through the participants’ narratives. One participant reflected on her mother’s ethos, saying, “everything that I know is because of her.” Her mother prepared her for their lives in the United States, and her mother continues to be her role model today.

One participant credited her choice of career to her mother. She further explained that “everything that she had done in her life was inspired by her mother.” She described her mother as not only smart, industrious, and influential, but beautiful and well-dressed.

“My mother was gone a lot,” one participant reiterated throughout her narrative. She was honest about her emotional distance from her mother due to her mother’s difficulty in parenting her and her siblings. Interestingly, this participant described herself as “not good with children,” and one can wonder about the correlation and the effects of her upbringing with a distant mother. In fairness, both of her parents struggled in parenting, both in the Philippines and the United States. She noted that her mother’s life was a challenging one, with generational patterns of absent parents apparent and influential.

It was not the purpose of this study to highlight mothers’impacts or roles, but this theme emerged immediately during the interviews. The participants clearly viewed their mothers as impactful in the Philippines and in the United States. Two participants identified their mothers as the professionals and equal providers in the parental unit. The rest of the participants described their mothers’impact in quieter ways always behind the scenes, but with their strength palpable in the family.

The Impact of Migration on the Mother’s Role

Espiritu (2003) studied Filipino immigrants in San Diego, California, mentioning that the burdens of Navy wives included coping with constant movement and shouldering the children’s upbringing. For this research project’s participants, there was a clear transformation in the way that they observed or discovered their mothers’roles inAmerica.

“I just remembered asking my mother, you cook?” reported one participant. Her mother was reportedly the “monochromatic queen” in the Philippines, with matching power suits. Her mother worked from morning until nighttime and was known to make salads for dinner or when they entertained. When her mother immigrated to the United States, they shared space with many others under the same roof. She witnessed her mother cook for the first time. There was also humility involved in watching her mother’s role change from a corporate to a domestic one. She could not be employed in the United States as more than a caregiver due to missing documentation. She expressed pride about mother’s role change, as she also noted the complexity of moving from a place of power in the workplace to performing more domestic responsibilities. Two other participants also noted their mothers’responsibilities changing from those outside of the home to primarily being in the home. “My mother became our maid cleaning, cooking, doing everything for us.”

Another common immigrant story is the need to start over from an existing career. One participant described her mother having to relaunch her career in the health industry as the family settled in the United States.Although her mother desired to return to the Philippines, she also utilized local community resources as a support system.

One said, “My mother was always grumpy. When my siblings and I talk about it now, [we realize that] she was probably sleep deprived.” Her mother worked in three facilities and still made sure that there was food on the table. She wondered how her mother managed to do this and persevere with life inAmerica when it was clear that everyone else wanted to leave.

Four of the participants reported that their fathers initiated the family’s migration. “He wanted it all along” was the common sentiment explained to the participants. Only one participant recounted her mother as the catalyst for the move. Regardless of the incentive for migration, mothers’roles in sustaining the families while residing in the United States were unquestionable.

It is noteworthy to repeat Napholz and Mo (2010) in considering the mother’s role, impact, and unending labor as she migrated from the Philippines to the United States. Filipino American women are affected by their origins in the Philippines, the stress of social and economic changes, and their balance between tradition and contemporary life. The participants’ mothers were mostly educated and career-oriented, as characterized by the post-1965 female immigrant influx.

Espiritu (2013) beautifully described the challenges Filipino women face concerning patriarchy and nationalism, in part through her identity as a mother. She may transition from being a stay-at-home parent in the Philippines with an education to working outside of the home

in the United States, while she continues to be responsible for the child-rearing and social, health, religious, cultural, and educational family activities (Salvador et al., 1997).

As the participants witnessed their mothers (and fathers) attempt to maintain the balance of work and family, independence and collectivism, traditional values and theAmerican way of life, their reflections about their identities were not surprising. The surprisingly emotional parts were the nuances of their struggle, stories of identity formation, and ongoing journeys as adult Filipinas.

Theme Six: Identity: WhoAm I?

In previous chapters, the works of Erikson (1968) and Marcia (1980) were mentioned as they described identity development that is salient in adolescence but noted to occur throughout adulthood. These stories seemed to indicate that this is true for these participants. The question of identity remains relevant for each one, although some felt more accepting of their current process than others. Their identities have been affected by sudden changes of geography, differing patterns of migration, familial changes, and a promised host country.

The Impact of Migrating as an Adolescent

One participant felt the inculcation ofAmerican ways as she grew up in the Philippines. “The books wereAmerican books. The educational system wasAmerican. Even our local hangout was McDonalds.” She relied on her father’s reported positive experiences about the United States, but as a teenager in the Philippines, she had a set of reliable, good friends.

I’m very bad with expectations. I don’t like being disappointed. I was upset and saddened by the fact that I was not going to graduate with my batchmates. I was hoping that after a year or so in the U.S., we would go back. I really thought we would.

She was clear about wanting to make her parents happy; she wanted to please her parents as a teenager, and not much has changed, according to her. She talked about her unpreparedness as a teen living in the United States. Her departure from the Philippines was quick, and her acclimation to the United States felt like a whirlwind as well.

Aparticipant who enjoyed a popular, comfortable life in the Philippines explained uncomfortable, humbling, and disorienting experiences. “As a Filipina in the U.S., I was embarrassed to be Filipino. In the Philippines, being mestiza or White put me on a different pedestal. InAmerica, I went to a Christian school with blond, blue-eyed girls and felt the discrimination.” She struggled with being Filipino because she wanted to fit in and belong in American society. She did not know how to manage questions about how she spoke and aspects of her Filipina-ness. Imagining an adolescent manage major milestones and changes in a foreign land, it is easy to see how one can get lost.

One participant recognized her struggle with her identity before and upon arrival to the United States. “I was overthinking everything, figuring out who I should be.” She recalled comparing herself to her sisters. Her oldest sister retained their language from the Philippines and had Filipino friends. She does not have many Filipino friends, and her youngest sister seemed “mostAmerican.” The constant question that is still in her head today is “What do I really want?”

Migration further influenced the question of identity for each participant.As adolescents, the participants were unprepared for the roads that they had to navigate. In the Philippines, there were expectations and help. In the United States, everyone worked, everyone was seeking purpose, and the participants were unintentionally left to traverse a difficult course.

Invisibility: The Hidden Parts of the Self

The participant who remembered manifesting “the tomboy” to belong in the Philippines found it difficult to hide that part of herself, yet she thought it necessary in the United States. That was the part that helped her survive in the Philippines. For her to belong in the United States, although she hid the tomboy, she thought, “You’re still gonna belong on the other side because you don’t know how to act the way they’re acting.” She talked about being indecisive and “White people being so decisive.” She lamented about hiding parts of herself to survive, but it resulting in her feelings of mediocrity.

Two of the participants described their adaptability as a strength. One stated that “Filipinos are more adaptable and don’t stand out; moreAmerican, and are accepted into the community.” One participant, in describing herself, said, “I integrate with society and [do] not stand out in a bad way. I’m not far ahead of them. I’m not better than them, but I’m in step with folks here.” The other participant said, “Filipinos are talented in adapting. You can send a Filipino to any part of the world and we can adapt. We are survivors. Our history is still evolving as we speak. We are the people who can go with the sign of the times because we can adapt.”

Aparticipant acknowledged “living in two worlds and balancing them.” She also reported focusing her efforts on helping her parents and her family, although she was aware of that part of her that wanted to learn about medicine and history.As she narrated her story, she talked about her curiosity about “how things were made.”Asimilar story was told by another participant, but she pursued something familiar and almost preset. It seemed like she would have pursued her dream career, had she been encouraged to do so. She admitted to admiring her husband, who did.

One participant may not have described “hiding” a part of herself, but she reframed it as a form of humility that she learned from her family. During the interview, she acknowledged her children’s frustration with her tendency to omit her current occupation and how she achieved

such a high degree of accomplishment. Ironically, as she stayed humble in terms of her accomplishments, she remained visible as the only young Filipina in the room, a type of visibility less appreciated.

In the Philippines, the Filipinas “stood out” for different reasons, but in the United States, there were the additional aspects of their skin color, eye color, accent, culture, and norms. In the United States, they did not want to stand out, but rather, belong. In order to belong, most confessed to hiding parts of themselves, including insecurities that would have served as death sentences.

Imposter Syndrome: Not Good Enough

Spending the beginning of one’s life in a country that was colonized, occupied, and straddling lines, then migrating to one that colonized others and has specific prerequisites for belonging, can be a dizzying way to grow older. One’s measure of worth may be skewed or nonexistent. For most participants, the question of worth is still pending.

One participant worked in a specialized unit as a professional by the time she was 20 years old. Yet, she “didn’t feel smart,” especially among older folks who made sure that she knew she looked different. Living in the United States, she became aware of her Filipino-ness and that she no longer had her family’s name to lean on. She seemed to have taken this on as an opportunity to pave the way for herself, without the shadow of her mother, her sisters, or the family name. She still felt like the Filipino stereotype a nurse, and still a minority. She wanted to prove that she was more than just the stereotype.As much as she wanted to hold on to her Filipino-ness, she also wanted to just be herself. She was as aware of the disparities in the Philippines as she was of those in the United States, and she wanted to do something about it.

The participant who constantly chose the giblet as a young girl, described the effect as “always striving to move upwards” just to push herself down, as she was better at working hard, but never really feeling good enough. She had to create the tomboy to survive, but inAmerica, the tomboy was hidden. Therefore, she questioned herself and her ability to make decisions. “I have to be better. While I was expected to be Filipino, you need to push yourself too. Beat other people in the job. My husband says to go get what I need; go get what you deserve. Do I really deserve it? It’s a never-ending battle.”

Another participant described what she saw in looking at her reflection in the mirror as “not feeling concerned about how I look.As long as I’m healthy and my family’s healthy that’s what’s important. I’ve come to a comfortable acceptance of how I look now.” However, she also acknowledged that she feels like she missed out on her pursuing her dream, although she could not say what she wanted to pursue.

One participant emotionally saw herself as an adult without a purpose. She gave up her career to be a stay-at-home parent, and with her children living their own lives, she feels “not needed. I’m struggling with where I am and I’d like to figure out what to do next. When I look at myself in the mirror, it’s not good right now.”

For another participant,

Language development or language learning allowed me to get a sense of who I am. I remember going into this degree thinking that I’m just not good enough. I need to fix myself. But then something about this degree showed me that my language is not who I am that the way I speak or the way I use my words is not a measure of my value. I used to think that it was conflating confidence, but I think that I’m starting to understand that I don’t need to apologize for me. That I could bring my full self here and people should

accept me because I actually have something valuable to contribute. I’m not quite there yet, but I would love to feel more comfortable.

Comfort, or the lack thereof, in one’s skin was a common thread among the Filipina participants the ability to fully accept oneself, even parts once disavowed.As they all reflected on their lives in the Philippines, their migration, and lives in the United States, they were able to submerge themselves in reveries long tucked away in their immigrant luggage.

There are no identity development models that capture the quality of these participants’ experiences or the fluid identity of the FilipinoAmerican woman. Donovan et al. (2013) stated that ethnic minority immigrants are at risk of identity confusion when they have to adapt to a host country such as the United States. Espiritu (2003) described cultural identity as “being and becoming” in existence with a past and a future and transcending space. These participants’ identities shared their stories and came from another place.Ainslie et al. (2013) described identity as shaped by the home country’s norms and the host country’s customs. These participants contended with memories of a good-enough life in the Philippines, uprooted by dreams that were not their own and forced to adopt a new country that imposed new rules, where they were compelled to form identities to fit their new home.

When the participants were asked to define themselves as FilipinoAmerican women, they all reflected and provided emotionally laden responses, pride and sadness evident as they spoke.

The Definition of the Filipino American Woman

According to Espiritu (2003), Filipinos live in a transnational space, a space between, where the old and the new coexist. They are not merely inserted in the space, but create a space where they can fit. In this space are fluid and multiple identities that could represent a connection

between the Philippines and the United States. This is the hope and promise, even if the process occurs in steps and over a lifetime.

When the participants were asked about their current identities, they answered as follows:

I feel like an empowered Filipina. I don’t follow the traditional stay-at-home mom [path], having lots of babies. My batchmates from the Philippines very few are stay-athome moms. Most are career women; they’re strong; they’re intelligent; they’re accomplished.As a Filipina, I would say that I’m a hard worker, empathetic, reliable, responsible, and family oriented. I wonder today if coming to the U.S. is the right choice, because this is where I met my husband.

Now that I have kids, I want to go back to my roots. I want them to know that they’re Filipino. I want to teach them Tagalog and about the food. It’s interesting because I was so angry when I got here. I wanted to go back as soon as I finished college, but I haven’t gone back. Filipinos don’t take anything seriously just happy and singing it’s part of the culture. I probably identify more proudly as a Filipino now more than I ever did before. I have things to work on, but I feel like I can appreciate my family because that’s unconditional love. For a long time, I was trying to fit into this idea of what I wanted to be like in my head versus who I really am.And you can’t deny your roots (this participant’s struggle with her identity was apparent in her fragmented response to this question).

The word ‘community’is really hard for me I’m still looking for a community. She reflected on her parents’courage and recognized the sacrifices they made by migrating to the United States at the expense of her dad’s mental health. I am someone who is on a journey to uncover my true self, to discover parts of myself that have been suppressed

because of the desire to belong or fit in. I’m looking for people who I can bring my full self with, and not have to filter.” When asked further about her identity and her musings during the interview, she replied, “I’m Filipino. I feel Filipino. It’s not just the food, or how I speak, or the ancestry, or the culture. Speaking with you makes me feel like I’m contributing, but I’m also learning about myself. Another participant stated that as she looks at herself now, she “looks old.” She is no longer the student, but the teacher, and that is profound to her. She has become the mentor, and she wants to be like the people who mentored her because it meant so much, and she cannot think of another way to repay them. “I’m no longer the youngest in the room, which was my identity for a long time. Now, I’ve been a nurse for thirty years, and I can hear myself reflect I think that was a good decision.” She still sees herself as the Filipino walking the hallways. “My uniqueness is the Filipino experience. I look at society and justice in a different way. I look at the passion that I have, and it was built from the experiences in the Philippines. That’s what makes me unique.”

I will never beAmerican or be accepted as Filipino. I’m in between. I’m straddling. The tomboy in me is the moxie that is hidden. I’ve learned to be quiet and do what I’ve been told, and it shuts down the potential. I know many immigrants out there who are making it. So my identity as a Filipino is that person who can withhold hardness. Hardness in life, the resourcefulness, the being down and getting back up, then it’s all good. It’s a superpower, but it doesn’t translate seamlessly as I would want it to be. I feel like I’m so alone.

I’m proud to be Filipino because I think that our culture is now being more recognized. Our culture is more respected. I’m proud to represent our culture and proud

to stand as Filipina. In high school, I was scared to identify asAsian because I was afraid that people won’t accept me. Now there’s something in our culture that people are interested in. I think it’s the family orientation that we have; the resiliency. You can find Filipinos in any part of the world working. I used to think thatAmerica was so different. Like it was a difference of heaven and earth not so much anymore. Lastly, one Filipina answered the question about her identity with uncertainty.

I’m not sure. I’m proud to say that I’m from the Philippines and that I’m Filipina, but I’ve lived much longer here, and I’ve adapted to the way of life here. I still like the values of family, the importance of family and faith, and that’s part of our culture. I am somewhatAmericanized, being independent and outspoken, but not just blindly following and still bringing the best parts of our culture, and trying to impart to my kids. So, it’s like living in those two worlds. This is my home now, but I don’t want to forget where I came from and the lessons learned from there. I don’t think I’ll retire in the Philippines.

I’ll miss the conveniences here. I don’t see myself living in the Philippines again…maybe for 6 months or something, but I feel like this is where I belong now…in the United States.

The responses above highlighted the fluidity of the Filipina identity affected by colonialism, migration, and disruption of the adolescent development.

Postcolonial feminist theory recognizes the double inferiority that colonized women struggle with related to patriarchy and colonization they experience the effects simultaneously. The participants’narratives highlighted the need to assist women of color who have been colonized, such as Filipinas, to reclaim their identity from internalized patriarchal and racist beliefs. Being women of color, Filipinas experience the world differently and must adjust

accordingly to survive. Utilizing a theoretical lens that would empower not only Filipino American women, but allies, can create more long-lasting, positive changes, so they can move past survival and thrive.

Espiritu (2003) suggested a more specific approach by proposing an agency-oriented theoretical perspective as a lens to view Filipinas. This theory describes how FilipinoAmerican women transform the world around them, as they were transformed by colonialism and migration. This perspective considers the impact of transnationalism on Filipina lives as they develop their identities in the United States.

Repeating Mangahas and Llaguno (2006), the babaylan feminism at the root of the Indigenous Pilipina and the core of her female consciousness has been silenced and misrepresented. The Babaylan is the “one who serves,” whose tasks are to help people remember who they are as a unit, and in a revolutionary manner, respond to the ways that the world paints them. The Filipina should wear the symbolic veil of the babaylan, and she must know the history of her people and nation, include them in her stories, and challenge the idea that the Filipino diaspora was a voluntary one. Mabuhay ang Pilipina!

Chapter Five Discussion

Introduction

This phenomenological research study aimed to explore the effects of colonial mentality and migration on FilipinoAmerican women’s identities. It was intended to help understand these questions: How does Colonial Mentality affect the adult Filipina’s sense of self or identity while she resides in the United States, and what are her reflections as an adult on these effects? How does migration as an adolescent affect the adult Filipina’s sense of self or identity while she resides in the United States, and what are her reflections as an adult on these effects?

This research study assumed that previous colonization and migration as an adolescent affected the Filipina’s identity and that her experiences differed from other Asian and Pacific Islander women. This research project further assumed that FilipinoAmerican women felt “lost in transition” as they struggled with their sense of self or identity in the United States.

Interpretive PhenomenologicalAnalysis (Smith et al., 2022) was utilized to explore and analyze the subjective experiences of seven FilipinoAmerican women, or Filipinas, and to address the research questions. The study utilized Postcolonial Feminist Theory and an Agency-oriented

Theoretical Perspective as ways to understand how previous colonization and migration may have affected the FilipinoAmerican woman’s identity as she navigated the borders of the Philippines and the United States, and how she transformed herself and her external realm for emotional survival.

Post-Colonial Effects: The Insidious Nature of Colonization and Its Long-Lasting Consequences

Fanon (1961) stated, “But the war goes on.And for many years to come we shall be bandaging the countless and sometimes indelible wounds inflicted on our people by colonialist onslaught” (p. 181). While the participants of this study reported some knowledge about colonization, they differed in how they perceived the effects. Not surprisingly, these conflicting perceptions may have been due to the fact that although the United States truly freed the Philippines in the 1990s (the official year of independence was 1946) by surrendering occupation of military bases, the ripple effects of colonization existed before the participants were born. The responses included gratefulness to the United States for its “rescue efforts,” a feeling of preparedness to immigrate to the United States given the long exposure ofAmerican ways in the Philippines, knowledge of the detrimental effects of colonization and colonial mentality, and seeming acceptance of (or perhaps ambivalence toward) colonization effects.

The participants’views on colonization effects seemed indicative of the reported confusion about Filipino identity and culture (Cordova, 1983; David & Nadal, 2013). Long before the participants were born, Filipinos in the Philippines were essentially forced to replace their native identities withAmerican ones, which included their language and their names, while also pledging allegiance to theAmerican flag.

One of the research questions that this study aimed to explore was how the Filipina’s identity has been affected by colonial mentality, based on the participants’reflections. Colonial mentality was assumed to have affected FilipinoAmerican women, but their subjective experiences offered deeper answers to the question.Although there were similarities in the participants’experiences, they also had dynamic differences. They reported parallels and

distinctions about racial features and beauty, definitions of success, gender roles, and self-worth. These reports seemed to reinforce how the Filipina confusion about identity can be detrimental to her ability to seek resources and advocate for her needs. The participants seemed to conceal their struggles for the most part. Perhaps shame or hiya to spare their families has contributed to the suppression of their pain related to colonization effects, but the emphasis of their differences in the United States definitively exacerbated the issues.

Even as some of the participants contemplated their current lives, their thoughts led to how their struggles may have affected their children. The two participants with no living children seemed affected enough by their upbringing and past experiences to have made the choice to be childless. Their contemplations about the generational transmission of colonization effects were not directly acknowledged by the participants but implied by their accounts regarding language, socialization, and parenting choices.

Effects of Migration: Being a Teen was Hard Enough

The other research question involved the effects of adolescent migration on the participants’identities and how they experienced those effects. Identity development occurs whether an adolescent resides in the Philippines or in the United States, but Filipino adolescents face unique challenges. The adolescent who is essentially forced to leave their country of origin has more struggles to face, as they were unable to say proper goodbyes, and they were unable to process the losses as they realize more trials in the host country. Filipino adolescents must also face the reality that their long exposure to theAmerican way of life does not prepare them for life in the United States.

The participants’narratives described lives in the Philippines that had their own demands and conflicts, but it was clear that they all would have preferred to stay. In reflecting about their

adolescence in the United States, the participants described “feeling young” and inexperienced. This was in sharp contrast to witnessing more “grown up” peers in the United States. Except for one participant who was more inclined to associate with older folks, which automatically identified her as the youngest in her cohort, all other participants noted “how young they looked and seemed” in comparison to their peers in the United States.Adolescence in the Philippines seemed less complicated, youthful, and obviously familiar. The seemingly immediate demand to be more independent while maintaining one’s role as a Filipina shocked most of the participants. It seemed disorienting to be an adolescent in the United States with different rules, confusing vernacular, and overwhelming expectations.

Perhaps this was due to previous colonization, which repressed Filipino females upholding the family name and avoiding hiya, or shame to the family meant that girls and women were treated with stricter rules and protection, starting in the Philippines. Childhood innocence seemed to fast forward as participants witnessed a more liberal and outspoken adolescent peer group in the United States.As if their internal battles were not enough, the participants also had to navigate their more independent and liberal peer groups in the United States, as their parents had increased responsibilities and less time to parent. One participant stated, “You just had to know that you did what you had to do. You uphold the family name and you don’t want to embarrass your family.And that pressure was heavy.”

Fluid Identities: Still Changing, but Filipino is What IAm

Feelings of pride kept surfacing toward the end of the interview process. Perhaps the participants are now at an age when reflection and retrospective thought can manifest feelings that they had to compartmentalize to survive adolescence and adulthood in the United States. The word “pride” was connected to the participants’identity as “Filipino” this is the word they

used. They did not identify directly as FilipinoAmerican, but as Filipino, and that matters (albeit subconsciously). It was evident that they had all arrived at a phase of life wherein their Filipinoness does not automatically trigger shame, although some felt that. Perhaps now, coexisting emotions have surfaced that are more readily identified. The difference is their increased appreciation of being Filipino.

Being FilipinoAmerican women as a salient part of their identities did not seem as comfortable. Sandhu (1997) discussed howAsian-Pacific Islander women such as Filipinas exist in settings smeared by racism, classism, patriarchy, strict gender roles, and psychological issues. The participants’identified gender as Filipino women has been difficult to navigate in the United States. The double standard between men and women still existed, but it was more subtle and confusing. In the United States, they were told to be independent, educated, and hard-working, but they also had to be family-oriented, humble, and preserve the family name. One participant noted that if she had stayed in the Philippines, her life would have had a “linear course” childhood, college, marriage, children, grandchildren, retirement. Growing up as a woman in the United States did not follow such a course. It has been full of challenges and negotiation, akin more to a circular pattern than a linear one.

Their roles and identities as daughters have been taxing, mostly due to societal pressures and standards. These standards changed after migration to the United States. Espiritu (2003) described FilipinoAmerican women having to increase their efforts to challenge nationalistic and patriarchal expressions through their role as daughters. It has been especially difficult to exist in a country where the participants had an expectation to be accepted, given the United States’ occupation long after colonization ended, but their role as daughters placed a heavier burden on

their shoulders. This role became layered and complicated in the United States, with another set of expectations while they navigated a new sociocultural context.

As the participants struggled with their roles as daughters and as women, they seemed to recognized the roles of their mothers. Earlier in the interview process, the participants immediately reflected about their mothers, which translated into admiration, awe, and pride. The participant who had a strained relationship with her mother also expressed respect for her mother’s hard work and fervor. Mothers’roles had a pivotal impact on the participants’ transformation and identities, which deserves to be explored further.

As FilipinoAmerican women and adults living in the United States, the participants’ identities are continuing to develop and change. For some, their identities were reportedly salient, depending on the environment or situation. Some reported a level of acceptance of who they are and what they have accomplished.Afew continue to feel lost, seeking validation of their identities. If the participants felt anger or blame for their parents’dreams that led them to the United States and all its challenges, it was unreported or perhaps repressed. Overall, through their narratives, they depicted a journey full of questions, complications, struggles, sadness, and pain. However, their resilience and pride persist.

Conclusion

In conclusion, the data yielded findings that address this study’s research questions, highlighting the effects of colonization and migration on the identity of FilipinoAmerican women. The narratives spoke to experiences that seemed to be dictated by previous colonization that had been internalized, even prior to migration. The transition from living in the Philippines to permanent residency in the United States only illuminated questions about identity and belonging.

Although trauma was not directly reported, one can only assume that the migration experience was traumatic, as no participant was truly prepared for their journey. The fact that each participant was already undergoing the developmental changes brought on by adolescence during their voyage from one country to another only exacerbated the challenges of identity formation.Although this research study was not focused directly on the trauma effects of migration and colonization, the narratives alluded to some traumatic experiences of differing levels.

The assumptions of this study were supported by the findings, as the narratives conveyed confusion and loss, internalized oppression from colonization, and uncertainty about the Filipina identity, which deserves its own exploration apart from otherAsianAmerican groups or women and FilipinoAmerican men. The stories communicated emotional responses to forced migration and subsequent American living and adaptation.

Difficult as their experiences may have been, the Filipina participants conveyed regal resilience. Through their painful recollections, they were able to share their pride in survival and their desire to thrive. They acknowledged that life in the Philippines was not easy, nor was the (lack of) decision to depart for the United States, but none reported the desire to return to their country of origin. It may be that migrating at such an impactful age and eventually building a life inAmerica made it difficult to consider a life elsewhere.Alternatively, as Espiritu (2003) described, these Filipinas may have carried their homes as they travelled to a new land, with their memories enough to carry them through the border and live.

Ruby Ibarra, a FilipinoAmerican rapper, millennial, music producer, and spoken-word artist, was born in the Philippines and immigrated to the United States. She and her family emigrated to the United States because her mother wanted to fulfill theAmerican Dream. From

Ruby’s rap/song Who I Am (released in January 2011), I found these lyrics particularly fitting for this research project:

colonized mind, blind folded, so i’m hypnotized compromised pride, bind hands, never reach the skies modified eyes, cry truth, fail to recognize the disguised lies write views planted in our minds callin me a dogeater prayin on some chicken bones nation known for sex tours, order brides mailed to homes all of that is nonsense, they’ve never felt the misery they’ve never seen my province or know my country’s history the blistered feet, pollution, greed, Spain and U. S. Colony planted all this fallacy, corruption in mentality Marcos with regime and so no privacy for families people power used to heed the government monopoly the poverty that never sees improvement from economy kayumangi, no equality, cuz white is what you oughta be the native tongue i try to speak is silenced by the mastery of English that I’m forced to keep to take the FOB outside of me

Clinical Implications

Although mental health treatment is more widely accepted in Filipino communities, accessibility, available clinicians, culturally sensitive approaches, reliable resources, and affordable spaces continue to be hindrances.

Of all the participants in this research study, only one directly mentioned therapy as a helpful tool in “finding herself” and processing her journey. This participant further reported the difficulty of finding a Filipina therapist, which she would have preferred, but she found a therapist of color sensitive enough to integrate the cultural components of her struggle. Many communities seek folks who look like them, assuming that their plight would be better understood. Parallel process can be a powerful tool of healing, but in the industry of mental health, there is still a need for FilipinoAmericans who can provide treatment services. Luckily, with the advent of social media, more Filipino clinicians, researchers, educators, and advocates have become visible. More ways for culturally sensitive clinicians to provide their services have surfaced, and hopefully, this growth can continue.

This research project was focused on Filipinas’journeys as they navigated through their memories of the Philippines and lives in the United States, how they mitigated the effects of colonial mentality and migration, and how they identify in their Filipina-ness. The results show an ongoing need to feel more comfortable in her their skin. The participants’losses seemed to have converged with their resilience. The losses were palpable in their stories, even though most chose to focus on the lives that they have built in the United States and the goodness that has resulted. There were clearly pieces missing as the participants reflected on their lives. Some remembered which pieces, and some continue to seek them along the way.

As a Filipina researcher and clinician, feedback from most FilipinoAmericans have been about the inadequacy of modalities to address FilipinoAmerican needs or reflect Filipino American struggles. As suggested by Mangahas and Llaguno (2006), Western theories and discourses do not sufficiently represent the experiences ofAsianAmericans. Psychoanalytic theories, which seek to offer a deeper understanding of the individual’s unconscious

phenomenon, may not be enough to capture the subjective experiences of Filipinas, unless, as Kathy Pogue White (2002) stated, conversations can occur (in psychoanalysis) about self-hatred within communities of color specifically for women of color to demystify this hatred. Although psychoanalysis has considered histories, social environments, and cultural norms, integrating postcolonial feminist theory would enhance our knowledge of the previously colonized FilipinoAmerican women and expand our perspective of their struggle against patriarchy and colonization. The agency-oriented theoretical perspective would allow for more specific ways of exploring Filipinas’memories and past experiences, while they stay present and look forward to their futures in the United States. It would consider transnationalism, macrosystems, and geographical effects on the FilipinoAmerican woman.

It may be that the marriage between psychoanalysis and postcolonial theories or approaches that are more about “Asians in theAmericas” (Mangahas & Llaguno, 2006) would serve as a more appropriate lens to view the life of the FilipinoAmerican woman.

Study Limitations

In-person interviews may have provided a more personal touch to this research project, as well as a deeper attunement to the participant responses. Unfortunately, the participants resided in various parts of the United States, which limited accessibility. Utilizing Zoom maintained the consistency for the interview process. The researcher’s process will be described further, as the participant responses could have been more elaborated, which may have added more depth to the study. The participants reflected on their gender roles, but sexual orientation and gender identity were not explored or expounded.

Recommendations For Future Research

This research study was focused on Filipinas who migrated as adolescents and their struggles with identity formation and changes. During the interview process, it was clear that the participants struggled with processes of gender identity and gender roles. For future studies, an increased focus on gender roles, gender identity, sexual orientation, and the LGBTQIAFilipino community is warranted. An increased focus on these topics would have been beyond the scope of this research, and they deserve separate exploration.

The participants described feelings about their mothers, and it was a spontaneous aspect of this study. The mother’s role was not underscored while thinking about the research questions or the assumptions of the study.Although one can assume that mothers influenced the participants, I was surprised by mothers’specific effects on migration, acculturation, and identity for these participants. Future qualitative studies would offer more depth to Filipina mothers, whose impact goes beyond their capacity to carry multiple roles as noted in the literature of this research.

The interview process involved many surprises, warranting future research. First, there were moments with each interviewee when further elaboration should have occurred. In retrospect, the researcher must have experienced unconscious resistance, as some moments were relatable and painful. These skipped moments were noted during the analysis of transcribed data, and reflection about resistance occurred. These moments included participant reflections about life in the Philippines, the airplane ride to the United States, and their identity struggles. Participants’reflections about their mothers were also difficult for the researcher concerning the seemingly personal parallels.Another surprise was aspects that participants reflected on regarding the Philippines that the researcher could not recall. These memories were related to teachings at school that seemed general knowledge to each participant but were difficult to

access for the researcher. Due to these surprises and retrospective thoughts, some facets may have been missed, which would have been integral parts of this study.Asubsequent study may be necessary for further elaboration that may add even more breadth to this research project.

The stories and lives of FilipinoAmerican women, being one of the largest immigrant groups in the United States, have been studied, but usually aggregated with those of otherAsian American women.Additional research differentiating the FilipinoAmerican woman from her Asian sisters is not to convey her superiority, but rather to highlight the beauty and need in the differences, so that resources can become available for their communities.

The Researcher’s Process

I found myself struggling through this process.As noted in my foregrounding section, I resonated with the participants’feelings of loss and confusion, and I continue to search for my full self in the United States. This was indeed a labor of love, from beginning to end. I found myself reverberating with each participant in various ways. We had parallel experiences, but some very different ones.

There were many moments when I found myself in reverie about my own journey, as I tried to probe with each question. I was in awe of the participants who recalled so much more than I. There were moments of tears with at least two, mostly when they grieved a missing parent, as I do both of mine. My thoughts wandered to my parents, and I know now that they omitted so much about our life in the Philippines and the reasons we departed. I was 13 years old, and they told me what they thought my young mind could comprehend. The participants described the same confusion and disorientation, yet their memories seemed more intact. Even the airplane journeys were recalled with lucidity, yet when I close my eyes, I see pictures presented to me later in life of smiling faces and platters of food on my airplane tray table. I

remember sitting with my mother and my sister, while my brother and father sat together, but the rest is a blur.

The simplicity of the participants’lives in the Philippines prompted some emotional musings as I recalled my own simple life before migration, and my family’s complicated beginnings in the United States. Being immigrants in the United States was a humbling experience because I witnessed how it affected my mother and father. My parents displayed grit and perseverance, resembling the participants’parents. We all suffered through prejudice, discrimination, and racism. There were moments so familiar during the interview process that I found myself moving through some questions when I knew I could have probed further. There were so many unconscious moments that I only recognized as I consulted about my experiences and when I analyzed the data. Realization of my parents’sacrifices flooded me with sadness, as I can no longer ask them questions, and nothing has triggered that longing to ask more than this research project.

The participants’reflections about their mothers took me aback. In retrospect, I am uncertain as to the reason for my perplexed response, as this project was about Filipino women. Perhaps it was another way that I unconsciously resisted thoughts of my own mother, although this dissertation is dedicated to her. Perhaps it was because I only recognized the strength in her silence after her death; I always longed to hear her voice in my confused states.As the participants relayed the strength of the women in their lives, I thought about a time when I wished my mother was stronger and by strength, I mean an ability to have had her own life apart from the one she shared with my father, so that I could have had a role model who was not only satisfied with appeasing her husband. However, the manner in which she cared for my father before he passed, the way she grieved him, and her difficulty moving forward after he

passed told me that my mother was steadfast in her identity. She knew who she was, and she accepted it. It was I who questioned, because I was adrift.

I contemplated my own internalized oppression and the effects of colonization. I thought about my responses to racism and discrimination and how I observed my parents and siblings respond. During this process, my differences from the participants resounded loudly in my mind, as I was the statistic mentioned in the literature a teen mother who struggled throughout high school and college.As the participants seemed to have followed a route that was acceptable, without bringing shame to their families, I recalled my teenage pregnancy and my father’s heartbreak. Ying and Han (2008) asserted that the FilipinoAmerican adolescent is at particularly higher risk of conflict with their parents, given the need for autonomy similar toAmerican youth. Perhaps this is due to the adolescent’s exposure to the “American way” while living in the Philippines. I was that youth.

The participants all reported a desire to share their stories stories which had not been told or thought of for a long time. One reported that as much as she wanted to contribute to this research, she had also learned more about herself by the time our interview was over. It was aweinspiring and overwhelming for these women to grant me permission to explore their internal processes. They were vulnerable and offered so much more than I asked, and they may have had more to offer than I had the capacity to delve into.

There is a song called For the Daughters, and these lyrics kept playing in my head throughout the interview process with the participants: Girl, don’t be weak and don’t be strong

Say what you want, just as long as you nod your head with your lipstick on

and pose like a trophy on a shelf and dream for everyone but not yourself

I’ve heard of God the Son and God the Father

I’m just looking for a God for the daughters

AppendixA

Introductory Script

Prescreening script and questions (to ensure participant meets criteria for research)

Introductory Script

Hello, my name is Jaydee Tumambing Hughes, LMFT, and I am working on my dissertation for a PhD in Clinical Social Work at The Institute for Clinical Social Work in Chicago, Illinois. Thank you for taking the time to speak with me. I am conducting a research project to learn more about FilipinoAmerican women’s identity. I seek to understand how they view their experiences as adolescent immigrants, born and partly raised in the Philippines, and then becoming adults in the United States. I would like to understand how they may have been affected by circumstances such as colonization and immigration, as well as their experiences in a new country as teens. I want to learn directly from Filipinas who have lived in the Philippines, migrated as teens, and currently reside in the United States. I am looking for Filipinas who migrated to the United States between 13–18 years of age, and are currently 40–55 years of age. This study will consist of two 60- to 90-min interviews with each participant. This should allow me ample time to hear your individual experiences and perspectives on the research topic.

During these discussions, I will ask about your personal lived experiences with colonization, migration, and your identity as a FilipinoAmerican woman. Questions will include aspects of your life when you lived in the Philippines prior to migration, and how you experienced life there. I am also interested in your family’s decision to migrate to the United States as well as your experiences as a minor during this decision process. I would like to learn about your perspectives during migration, immediately after arriving to the United States, and your life as an immigrant Filipina, growing up in a new country. I am curious about your

memories of life in the Philippines and how different it felt compared to living in the United States. I would like to know how you perceived of yourself growing up, and how you see yourself now. Please know that this study is confidential and without judgment. There are no right or wrong answers because all of your experiences and perspectives are important and meaningful. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible, answering each question as meaningfully and as honestly as you can.

I am aware that answering these questions can evoke some difficult or challenging memories, and I will be as sensitive as I can during these moments. Should these difficult moments occur, we can pause the interview or stop it altogether. I would also be happy to provide you with resources, such as a therapist to speak with, if necessary. You will also receive $50 via Zelle, or I can send you a $50Amazon gift card for your participation, even if you do not complete the study.

Does this study interest you? Would you be interested in being a participant in this study? Would you feel comfortable discussing these topics?

Appendix B

Consent

Form

Institute for Clinical Social Work

Research Information and Consent for Participation in Social Behavioral Research

I, __________________________________________________, acting on my own behalf, agree to participate in the research entitled, “Who am I? Reflections of FilipinoAmerican Women on the Impact of Colonial Mentality and Migration on Identity.”

This work will be performed by Jaydee Tumambing Hughes, LMFT, under the supervision of Ida Roldàn, PhD.

This work is being conducted under the auspices of The Institute for Clinical Social Work at St. Augustine College, 1345 WestArgyle Street, Chicago, IL 60640; (773) 935-6500.

Purpose

The purpose of this study is to explore the subjective, lived experiences of a small sample of FilipinoAmerican women or Filipinas who migrated as adolescents from the Philippines to the United States. This study will explore how colonial mentality may have affected the Filipina while she lived in the Philippines and how the consequences of migration as a teenager and her life in the United States as an adult may have exacerbated such effects. Specifically, the effects of colonial mentality and migration as an adolescent will be examined regarding how they may have affected the Filipina’s sense of self and identity as an adult residing in the United States. This study aims to explore and contribute qualitatively to existing literature, which is deficient and unsatisfactory, to understand better the unique experiences of the Filipina, whose immigrant group is one of the largest in the United States today. Finally, the results of this study can hopefully be utilized to add quality to the discourse about women of color, immigrants, and Filipinas, so that research, resources, and clinical support are more readily available and destigmatized.

Procedures Utilized and Duration of Study

The study requests each participant to participate voluntarily in two 60–90 minute, semistructured interviews. I will audio record, take notes during the interviews, transcribe them afterwards, and then analyze the material.After the transcriptions have been reviewed, you can request an overview of your responses as I have understood them to ensure that you have been

represented accurately.Aprofessional transcript company will transcribe participants’transcripts, but not prior to signing an agreement of confidentiality. The transcription company will not have access to any identifying information of any participant.All participants’transcripts will be secured with password protection on my computer.Any notes taken during the interviews will be typed in a Word document, also with password protection on my computer, and all handwritten notes will be destroyed after.All records and data will be stored for 5 years, then destroyed.

Financial compensation for participation will be in the form of $50 via Zelle, or anAmazon gift card.

Benefits of Participation

Apotential benefit for participating in this study is an opportunity to share your story, feel visible, and be heard.An additional benefit is that by sharing your story, you may contribute to educating others about the importance of this subject matter. The knowledge gained from this research can potentially benefit FilipinoAmerican women, the Filipino people, and other nonwhite immigrant women. Compensation for participation is not considered as a benefit of this research.

Costs of Participation

Potential costs of participation are loss of personal time as well as the use of minutes on an individual cellular data plan or use of participant’s personal computer.

Possible Risks and/or Side Effects

There is a risk that discussing aspects of your life in the Philippines, migration to, and becoming an adult in the United States may be upsetting to you. This risk is deemed minimal and not expected to last for a significant amount of time following the length of the interview. However,

if this occurs, you may take a break, skip questions, or stop the interview altogether. Resources will also be provided in case the need to speak to a professional arises as a result of triggered feelings.Another possible risk is a breach of confidentiality due to the use of technological devices such as a phone or computer.Although this is not assumed to happen for this research, the possibility must be noted. Compensation will still be provided for initiated interviews.

Privacy and Confidentiality

Your privacy and confidentiality are of utmost importance. The only individuals who will have access to your interview transcripts and data are myself, the research committee, and the transcription company. Only the members of the research committee will know you are a research participant. If anyone referred you as a potential participant, that person will not know that you are a part of this research. You will be provided with a pseudonym to protect further your confidentiality; hence no one except myself will know your name.All of your data will be password protected or locked in a safe place, and only I will have access to it.All interview data and transcripts will be kept for 5 years following publication of this research and subsequently destroyed.

No information about you or information that you provide during the research will be disclosed without your written permission, with these exceptions:

• to protect your rights or welfare (for example, if you are injured and require emergency care in the process of the interview, or when the ICSW Institutional Review Board monitors the research process, including the consent form for your protection) or;

• if required by law (for example, if you have plans of harming yourself or others). If you report an intent to harm a child, an elderly or a dependent adult, I am a mandated reporter

who is required to report such intent to the state in which I hold license of a Marriage and Family Therapist.

ParticipantAssurances

By signing this consent form and providing verbal consent, you agree to participate in this research project. However, please note that you have not relinquished any of your rights or released this institution from responsibility for carelessness during this research process. You may cancel consent and refuse to participate in this study at any time without penalty or loss of benefits. Your relationship with myself or any ICSW staff will not be affected in any way if you refuse to take part or begin and then stop participation in this research project.

If you have any questions about the methods used in this research, please contact Jaydee Tumambing Hughes, LMFT (primary researcher) at (951) 295-7053 or Dr. Ida Roldàn (Dissertation Chair) at (773) 935-6500.

If you have any questions about your rights as a research participant, please contact Dr. John Ridings, Chair of the Institutional Review Board; the Institute for Clinical Social Work at St. Augustine College, 1345 WestArgyle Street, Chicago, IL 60640; (773) 935-6500; irbchair@icsw.edu

Signatures

For the Participant

I have read this consent form, and it has been explained thoroughly to me. I voluntarily agree to take part in this research.

Participant Name (please print): ___________________________________________________

Participant Signature: ____________________________________________________________

Date: _______________________

Would you like a summary of the results of this research project?

Yes _____ No _____

For the Primary Researcher

I certify that I have thoroughly explained this research to ________________________________ and believe that they understand and voluntarily agree to participate. I agree to answer any questions they have during the research process and thereafter.

Researcher Name (please print): ___________________________________________________

Researcher Signature: ___________________________________________________________

Date: ____________________

Appendix C

Confirmation of Informed Consent and Participation

Confirmation Script

Thank you for your interest in participating in this study. Before we move forward, I would like to review what we have discussed so far and ask you some questions. This is to ensure I have provided you with a thorough and clear description of the study, and that you have a full understanding of it.

Review Questions

1. In your words, please share your understanding of the purpose of this study.

2. Please tell me why this study interests you and why you would like to participate.

3. Please share your understanding of confidentiality and informed consent.

4. Please tell me what you can expect to gain from participating in this study.

Thank you for answering these questions. Do you have any questions for me?

Now, I would like to review the basic points of informed consent. Please let me know if you have any questions. We will review the informed consent once again before beginning the interview questions, then I will request that you repeat your understanding of this once more. This final review will serve as your official verbal consent, which will be documented via audio recording of the interview and in the final transcript.

Additional Demographic Questions

1. How old are you?

2. What is your current marital status?

3. Do you have any living children? If so, what are their ages?

4. Are you currently employed outside of the home?

5. Are you a college graduate? If so, what is the highest level of college you completed?

6. At what age did you migrate to the United States? With whom did you migrate?

7. Have you lived in more than one state in the United States? If not, in which states have you lived?

8. With whom do you currently live?

9. Do you have extended family members or a community nearby?

Thank you for answering my questions and confirming your consent. We are ready to begin the interview process.

Semistructured Interview Guide

1. The Filipina’s Understanding of the Philippine’s History and Colonization

a. What do you know about the Philippines history? How did you learn about it, and who do you remember teaching you the most about it?

b. What was your primary language at home? What was it at school?

c. What subjects do you remember were taught at school in the Philippines?

d. Who were your role models in the Philippines and why?

e. Do you remember your parents’roles/jobs in the Philippines? What about your grandparents? Tell me about them.

2. Premigration Experiences Related to the Filipina’s Sense of Self and Identity

a. What do you remember the most about your life in the Philippines?

b. How were you raised and by whom? If you had brothers, did you notice a difference in how you were raised?

c. How did you feel about your appearance? How did others regard your appearance?

d. How did you feel about your role as a daughter?

3. Migration Experience and Immediate Responses to the United States

a. Do you know why you and your family left the Philippines for the United States?

b. How did you feel about leaving the Philippines, and did you feel like you had a choice?

c. What is your memory of your journey to the United States?

d. Did you or your family have expectations about the United States? If so, what were they?

e. How did you feel when you arrived in the United States? Where did you leave and with whom?

4. TheAcculturation Process, Conflict, and Trauma That Surfaced Following Migration

a. What do you remember about getting older/growing up in the United States? How did your family relationships change?

b. What was your primary language at home?

c. What was the immediate difference in your experiences between the Philippines and the United States?

d. Did your parents/caregivers work in the United States immediately?

e. How did you experience school and your peers?

f. How did you feel about yourself as you grew up in the United States?

g. Who were your role models as you grew up in the United States and why?

5. Identity and Sense of Self as anAdult in the United States

a. How has your experiences felt like as an adult partly growing up in the United States?

b. What languages do you speak today?

c. Outside of your family, what does your current community look like?

d. Who are your role models today and why?

e. How did you decide your career path/life path?

f. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?

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