XX
T . O . C .
4
H E L L O O O O
If you’re reading this, then it’s likely that you’re in charge of your organization’s brand and marketing in some way. Brand management and marketing are hard enough, but you have enemies to deal with as well. The Clueless Boss. The Shit-for-Brains CFO. The filthy Office Whore. The Liar. The Backstabber. Even Lucifer himself. These enemies are sucking your brain dry, stealing your budget, plotting against you; planning to derail you, impeding your progress, distracting you and making wrong what should be right. These enemies we will heretofore refer to as the Scary Monsters, for that is what they are. Their powers are not to be underestimated. They smell of dumpster juice, ambition, stupidity, puss and unkept promises; and they will do whatever they can to crush you. You are in a state of siege, but you can bring them down. We are id29—perhaps, the most insanely exceptional brand and communications design firm in the world. We provide our heroic clients with powerful assets and weaponry that help them Slay the Scary Monsters.
For your own good, you need to be working with id29. We implore you to read on and arm yourself with all due haste. The Scary Monsters never sleep. Go now. Go!
Your Friends at id29
Fig 1: Our good friend Toby will be your guide on this epic journey.
8
T H E
M O N S T E R S
Congratulations! Your brand equity is fantastic, your current campaign is firing on all cylinders and sales are skyrocketing. Then your new hot-shot CFO—Cheapy McFrugalpants— decrees that the marketing budget needs to take a haircut, like...big time.
Apparently, he’s managed to persuade your CEO and board that “brand, marketing and all that other creative stuff isn’t really providing adequate ROI.” He knows how to count, but other than that, he’s real dumb, so convincing him otherwise would be like trying to squeeze Vermont maple syrup from a chimp’s bottom. He’s a socially-challenged, penny-pinching, cheap bastard with absolutely no common sense that can’t see beyond his vast array of Excel spreadsheets and he’s about to bring your whole operation to a grinding halt. THE SHIT-FOR-BRAINS CFO Threat Level:
8
Intelligence:
3
Endurance:
5
Charisma:
5
Ease of Identification:
Very Easy
Fig A: Surrounded by yes-men, your CFO dons his gas mask and readies himself for another day at the office spent squashing your hopes and dreams.
no. 1
Smells Like: Pork ‘n Beans, Proxy Statements, Seagram’s Seven, A Cooked Book Special Attacks: The Penny Pinch, The Purple Nurple, The Hair Pull, High-Pitched Screaming Like a Weathered Moroccan Grandmother, The One-Handed Girly Slap, The Chapter 11
10
T H E
M O N S T E R S
Ah, yes…The Clueless Boss. He’s dumb as paint. Certainly a very common specimen, this monster isn’t all that aggressive and isn’t usually aware of his moronic antics—but, he should still be held accountable for being such an idiot. Early identification is essential to defeating this monster and neutralizing the effect of his cluelessness. This monster can hide behind accepted managerial tactics and corporate bureaucracy. He can therefore be difficult to identify.
Fig B: “Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I’m also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too...”
Watch for a constant, far-away glassy eyed stare and key phrases like these to successfully identify this harbinger of mediocrity: “I’m not sure, what do you think?” “I’d like to hear everyone else, before I can even begin to form an opinion.” “I’m almost somewhat positive about that, I think.” “My nephew knows CorelDraw, let’s let him design our new brand.” “I’m not quite sure we can do that. Let me run this by my children.” “Let’s form a committee. Yes, that’s what we should do!” “I’m a blathering fool with shit for brains and you really should jam a screwdriver in my ear right now to end my suffering and the damage I’m likely to do to your career and this company.”
no. 2
THE CLUELESS BOSS Threat Level:
6
Intelligence:
1
Endurance: (it’s tiring beng that stupid)
2
Charisma:
2
Ease of I.D.:
Moderately Difficult
Smells Like: Chum, The Runs, Mig Welding, Week-Old Grass Clippings, Dirty Feet /Rachel Ray Special Attacks: Relentless Indecision, Overpowering Stupidity, Room-Clearing Flatulence, The Briefcase Bop, Death by Group-Think
12
T H E
M O N S T E R S
Probably the ultimate Scary Monster, Lucifer has sinister powers that eclipse those of even the vile and repulsive—yet somehow seductive—Office Whore. Lucifer lurks in just about every office building (he can because he possesses the special power of omnipresence just like his non-evil counterpart in Heaven) and can often be found in the breakroom eating human flesh, watching Soaps and plotting his next diabolical move against you. Your only hope: He’s relatively lazy and the “I’m going to make you burn in hell for all eternity” schtick has gotten a bit old, even for him. You might be able to catch him off-guard and take him down.
no. 666
LUCIFER Threat Level:
9
Intelligence:
10
Endurance:
10
Charisma:
10
Ease of Identification:
Very Easy
Smells Like: Charred Meats, Coriander, Cinnabons, #7 McRib ® Super-Sized Value Meal, Death Special Attacks: Roundhouse Kick, Kidney Punch, Eternal Anguish in the Bowels of Hell, Scalding Hot Bile Discharge From Eye-Sockets, Foul Language
Fig C: If you’ve ever been really scared by a circus clown, now you know why: It was Lucifer. .
14
T H E
M O N S T E R S
This spineless mound of shame is one of the most disgusting menaces to ever flourish within the halls of Corporatedom. Never making eye contact with his co-workers, fluttering around his workspace like a palsied waterfowl and muttering statements like these are sure signs you’re in the shadow of this scared, middling underachiever: “I couldn’t agree with you more, Boss.” “You were absolutely right to needlessly ridicule me in front of my co-workers, Boss.” “I LOVE your plan, Boss—wouldn’t change a thing!” “My nose is caught between the two large fleshy mounds at the back of your legs, Boss.” Get him. Stop him early. Take him out of his misery. Do it now.
no. 4
THE YES MAN Threat Level:
7
Intelligence:
6
Endurance:
10
Charisma:
2
Ease of Identification:
Very Easy
Smells Like: Boss’ Arse, Brylcreem, Rolaids, Vienna Sausages, Vicks ® VapoRub ® Special Attacks: Constant Vertical Nodding, The Reason-Sapper, Vengeful Tattle-Taling, Pees on Enemy’s Shoes Under Table During Meetings
Fig D: Beware of the bobble-headed Yes Men. They will agree with any executive at any time to get ahead and climb the corporate ladder of success. .
16
T H E
M O N S T E R S
The truth doesn’t matter to this piece of shit. He tries to make people think Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and tooth fairies don’t exist. That Rush Limbaugh is a vegan. That peanut butter, life-long chain-smoking, eating eels from the Hudson and unprotected sex are safe. WTF? You know who they are. They know who they are. Their untruths will catch up with them. They will be punished.
no. 5
THE LIAR Threat Level:
7
Intelligence:
7
Endurance:
6
Charisma:
6
Ease of I.D.:
Moderately Difficult
Smells Like: Rancid Mayonnaise, Fresh Cowpie, Anchovies, Ajax ®, Grandma’s Feet, Marion Jones Special Attacks: Hypnotism, Misdirection, Classic Uppercut, Shin Kick, Flying Monkey Groin Fist, The Wolf Cry, Speaking in Tongues
Fig E: The Liar comes to you via his last gig at NASA, where he was a space shuttle alternate before ‘discovering’ his mad marketing talentz...
18
T H E
M O N S T E R S
He’s an unwashed, irresponsible, scruffy, habitually-late-forwork nerd with no respect for anyone. But, he knows more about your company’s network, servers, desktops, mobiles and portables than anyone. This simple fact makes him somewhat irreplaceable and he knows it. He has what’s called leverage and job security. He can lie to your face and you wouldn’t have any idea. He can take as much time as he likes to get something done. As far as technology goes, your life is pretty much in his hands. If it were possible, you could take away his BitTorrent, Battlestar Galactica and Halo 3 privileges; but other than that, there’s not much you could do to punish him for his wretchedness. Until now...
no. 6
THE I.T. GATEKEEPER Threat Level:
7
Intelligence:
10
Endurance:
3
Charisma:
-1
Ease of Identification:
Easy
Smells Like: Bawls, Doritos ®, Bong Water, Cheese-Filled Combos ®, Skittles ® Special Attacks: The Anal Defrag, Extortion, Lies, The Hard Drive Hot-Swap, The Classic Keyboard Lock-Up, Widespread Kernel Panic, (Blue)Tooth Pain
Fig F: Don’t cross the I.T. Gatekeeper, unless you can live without email and the web for a long, long, long, long time...
20
T H E
M O N S T E R S
The Competitive Noob comes fresh out of the box with a righteous smiley-face, impeccably pressed khakis, a new Audi and an over-the-top go get’em attitude. Certainly those are all fine things, except that Mr./Mrs. Noob also thinks they can identify and solve all the problems that exist within your company within the first few weeks of their tenure. They are one of, if not the, most irritating monsters you’ll find. Don’t you just want to strangle them with their fancy new Prada tie or jam a few tubs of Kiehl’s Facial Fuel ® down their throats? Since they’re young, they often have all kinds of stamina and muscle tone that makes them agile, quick to adapt and moderately difficult to defeat. No worries, choose one or more of the right weapons from the id29 arsenal (Kreplach the Undead Clown, perhaps?) and they’ll “make heavy” in their trousers— never bothering you again. THE COMPETITIVE NOOB Threat Level:
6
Intelligence:
6
Endurance:
8
Charisma:
8
Ease of Identification:
Easy
no. 7 Smells Like: Aveda Hair Products, Student Loan Payment Vouchers, Last Night’s MySpace ® Rave Special Attacks: Fake Crying, Rabbit Punch, The Banana-In-The-Tailpipe Trick, The iPod ® Toss, Youthful Exuberance, Scalding Coffee Fetch
Fig G: Dressed to a tee, the Competetive Noob’s energy and zealousness are a formidable challenge.
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T H E
M O N S T E R S
Feel that? That’s the razor sharp 10” Wusthof ® blade that your friendly co-worker just thrust through your latissimus dorsi, ribcage and right lung. “Ouch, that smarts! Thanks a lot, friendly co-worker!” It happens all the time. You think you have a friend, an ally, and they go rogue and turn on you. Most often, they think they can advance their career through deception, by stepping over people on their way up. Sometimes, they are simply being controlled by a powerful dwarf Lizard Man who was once L. Ron Hubbard’s “special friend” and now loathes intelligent marketing professionals like yourself. Most of the time, you can’t identify The Backstabber until you’re forced to dislodge the blade from between your shoulders. There is, however, hope for you in this battle (see The Overseer, page 50.)
no. 9
THE BACKSTABBER Threat Level:
8
Intelligence:
8
Endurance:
8
Charisma:
8
Ease of Identification: Very Difficult
Smells Like: Cat Butt, Grape Kool Aid,® Week-Old Turkey Giblets, Barbisol ® Shave Cream Special Attacks: Flying Overhead Double Back Pierce, Hammerfist, Ball-Kick, Spittle Discharge, The Ultra-Piercing High Frequency Sound of Cutlery Being Honed on a Steel x100, The Judas
Fig I: The Backstabber takes her betrayal quite seriously— posing a formidable workplace threat and seeing to it that you’ll never hit a golf ball straight again.
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T H E
M O N S T E R S
Vigor. What’s that? Responsibility. Haven’t heard of it. Determination. Whatever. Sloth. Yeah, I got that one covered. The Slug is the human equivalent of Jello ® and is one seriously lazy pile of fecal matter. Sure, she might shake if shaken. She might gyrate and jerk around in a spastic dance of futility. However, she will soon resume her deep dark slumber and be content with the easy, peaceful confines of her cubicle and dreams of retirement. This sleepy monster’s bad habits can spread like the pox. She is the bane of agility, the killer of efficiency and a curse to all things expeditious, productive and right.
no. 10
THE SLUG Threat Level:
5
Intelligence:
6
Endurance: (they can be lazy in perpetuity)
10
Charisma:
-2
Ease of Identification:
Very Easy
Smells Like: Morning Breath, Slime Mold, Frat House Carpeting, Corn Beef Hash Special Attacks: The Carbonite Freeze, The Septic Pump, Deep and Very Slow Breathing, General Creepiness, The Silent Treatment, The Thinker
Fig J: Like cold molasses, The Slug will lull you to sleep with sloth-like movement...
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T H E
M O N S T E R S
Several mutated genes give The Talker an inhuman reserve of loquacity (as well as a set of really gross, fully-formed second and third mouths under each armpit). Yap, yap, yap, yada, yada, yada, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap. The Talker might seem somewhat harmless, until you start counting the wasted time spent listening to their personal woes, their dog’s gastro-intestinal maladies and all things irrelevant to getting your job done. They interrupt. They sap concentration. They even talk when you’re talking with someone else. WTF? They won’t stop until they’re stopped. They’re clearly an obstacle. Time to deploy The Silencer (see page 74.)
no. 11
THE TALKER Threat Level:
7
Intelligence:
6
Endurance:
9
Charisma:
8
Ease of Identification:
Easy
Smells Like: Spittle, Halitosis, Vodka Gimlets, Wet Dog, Beef and Cheese Special Attacks: The Verbal Barrage, The Armpit Kiss, The Wet Willy, One Complete Season of The View (.mp3 audio) with Liner Notes From Rosie O’Donnell and Whoopi Goldberg
Fig K: Blah blah blah yadda yadda yadda yap yap yap, etc... .
30
T H E
M O N S T E R S
They never return your call. They always have an excuse. They’re always late. They need constant reminders. They lie. They blame you for their ineptitude. They are irresponsible, lazy, incompetent blights that somehow continue to stay in business. We’ve all been burned before. Admit it. A vendor comes in, talks a big game, tells you what you want to hear, and you decide to give them a shot. Shortly after you give them the job, it all starts to unravel like the ugly innards of a road-killed possum being picked apart by a murder of crows. Mistake after mistake. Problem after problem. Your important project starts to bleed out and you’re pretty much...well, you know. The good news is you can move on. You can simply choose not to use this pathetic excuse for a business professional in the future—but wouldn’t you just love to make their lives as hellish as they’ve made yours? Or, perhaps more importantly, wouldn’t you love to have the power to accurately predict their behavior before you begin to work with them? THE WORTHLESS VENDOR Threat Level:
7
Intelligence:
6
Endurance:
9
Charisma: Ease of Identification:
8 Easy
no. 12 Smells Like: Gas Station Weiners, Horse Beans, Eathworms, Beef Jerky, Carbon Copy Forms Special Attacks: The Magic Bullet, The Foam Peanut Barrage, The Slap-Chop, Usually Followed up with The Graty: a Vicious and Thorough Attack on your Nuts
Fig L: It’s all milk and honey during your initial meetings with The Worthless Vendor, but it will all go south when it really matters.
32
T H E
M O N S T E R S
This lumpish bore stays awake at night plotting against your every move. Her pride and joy: A set of meticulously kept three-ring binders that contain tear sheets of every single print ad your company has run in the past 13 years. Monday through Friday, the first half of her day consists of attempting to divine your future marketing efforts through the exhaustive study of your past (apparently, she has no clue that only 7% of your marketing budget is spent on print.) The second half consists of following you around with a spy camera and sifting through your garbage in the corporate dumpster.
no. 13
THE COMPETITOR Threat Level:
3
Intelligence:
5
Endurance:
5
Charisma:
6
Ease of Identification:
Easy
Smells Like: Burnt Coffee, Skid Marks, Bowling Wax, Singed Body Hair, Veggie-Veggie Burritos Special Attacks: The ROP Rope-a-Dope, Paralysis, The 15% Media Buy, Go-Go Gadget Arm Haymaker, The Trojan Horse, The Spleenymeister
Fig M: The Competitor is a vile mimicking, copying, cheating, good-for-nothing dimwit.
34
T H E
M O N S T E R S
The Hater despises anyone or anything that isn’t him, and he’s not afraid to let you know it. The Hater doesn’t speak, he spews. He doesn’t sleep, he broods. The Hater frequently rocks an impressive mullet and wears fingerless, black leather gloves. Of course, on weekends, The Hater sports quarter-of-a-centuryold, multi-colored, black and DayGlo parachute pants, unlaced Nike ® high-tops and a sleeveless Night Ranger tour t-shirt so you can gaze in envy at the majesty of his impressive guns as they grace the wheel of his ’85 IROC Z. He frequently fixes his junk and probes the nether regions of his butt in search of God knows what. Genetically, all Haters can be traced back to a bedouin tribe that inhabited the vast sewage network that connects Detroit and Flint, Michigan. The tribe has since dispersed, but all remaining blue-blood Haters keep in contact via Ham Radio, an archaic system of hobo-like signs and symbols, a glossy newsletter and bi-annual roadside picnics at Interstate rest stops. More of a distraction than a true threat, The Hater still needs to be neutralized all the same.
no. 14
THE HATER Threat Level:
3
Intelligence:
4
Endurance:
4
Charisma:
-1
Ease of Identification:
Very Easy
Smells Like: Mennen ® Speed Stick, Tripe, Loaded Potato Skins from Applebee’s,® Alpo ® Special Attacks: Hatelets: stinging words spewed in an ancient tongue that have been known to maim or immobilize the Hater’s prey, The Hairy Sweaty Shirtless Bear Hug, The Hate Hammer, Butt Hand ®
Fig N: Seated in his executive high-back, The Hater spends the lion’s share of the day ruminating on how much he actually despises you...
36
T H E
M O N S T E R S
40
M E E T
T H E
I L L U S T R AT O R
Artist Michael Oatman was born in Burlington, Vermont in 1964 and has lived in Troy, NY since 1989. An Associate Professor and Artist-in-Residence, he teaches at Rensselaer in The School of Architecture. Oatman has worked as a lawn care specialist, mason's tender, carpenter, tombstone painter, sign painter, handyman, industrial designer, set designer, chef and waiter—all good professions for characters to have during the opening scenes of a porn movie. Lawn care guy: “Uh, Miss, it looks like that sprinkler valve might need some fixin’, or something.” etc... For the past 10 years, however, he has taught architecture at Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute. Prior to that, Oatman taught at The University of Vermont, Harvard, St. Michael’s College, SUNY Albany and RISD, his undergraduate school, where he has been a guest critic since 1986. He studied with Alfred DeCredico, Ana Mendieta, Kate Ericson and Mel Ziegler, and Edward Mayer.
Oatman’s large-scale installations, colleges and videos have been exhibited nationally, and his videos and drawings have been shown in England, Italy, Sweden, Hungary, France and Japan. In 2005, The Tang Teaching Museum at Skidmore College presented a mid-career survey of his work, documented in the publication A Lifetime of Service and A Mile of Thread. As a curator, Oatman conceived of Model Citizens, Protective Covering and Factory Direct, which he co-curated with Paul Miyamoto. That show and residency continues to inspire other post-industrial cities to mount their own versions. In 2005 Oatman traveled to Easter Island as a participating artist in Factory Direct: New Haven, curated by Denise Markonish. His work can be seen as critically involved with the politics of collecting and display, the poetics of archival material and the reconstitution of historical source material into new forms. Narrative, and particularly autobiography, are important themes in the work, along with ethics, paradigmatic shifts in science culture, eugenics and social justice. Also anvils. Those are superimportant. Oh, and of course the Freemasons, blah, blah, blah, and things that explode. Hopefully these guys at id29 will make him a website and put an end to all the conspiracy theories. Michael Oatman, The 29th Parallel (Smarmageddon) 2010, collage and layered spray paint on paper. >>
46
T H E W E A P O N S
Sure, Pinky Pig looks completely harmless and happy... friendly even. It’s that bright smile, puppy-dog eyes and sunny outlook that will ultimately result in the complete ruination of your most formidable Scary Monsters. The fact is: Pinky eats mean people.
Fig P: Fact: Pinky eats mean people...
Beneath the denim overalls and strange, rotating umbrella affixed to his back, this hungry little swine possesses the instincts of a tiger and the appetite of a T-Rex that’s racked with tape worms. Fortunately for you, Pinky understands English (and some French) and he’s completely loyal to anyone with a kind heart and good intentions. All you have to do is show Pinky a photo of the Scary Monster that’s giving you trouble and The House of Pain will pay them a visit. Within minutes, that monster will be enjoying a one-way journey through Pinky’s digestive tract. Be aware however, that with Pinky, it’s either all or nothing. Once he pins and starts eating the evil person of your choice, he won’t stop until the job is finished. That’s not to say that sometimes he doesn’t pause for a few seconds to admire his handiwork and give his prey a few horrifying seconds to
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contemplate the mess that used to be their midsection.
48
T H E W E A P O N S
It’s an espionage tool in the shape of a cute and cuddly kitten! Give it as a thoughtful gift to any Clueless Boss, Yes Man, Competitive Noob or Shit-for-Brains CFO. It’s guaranteed to become a display piece on the desk of anyone you give it to, because that’s what the directions tell the owner to do. Sit back and relax while it collects valuable data (audio, video, brainwaves, infrared heatmaps, pheromone levels, etc...) and transmits intelligence back to you via the power of the Interwebs. Download id29’s FriskySpy v2.3 software (Mac OS X v10.6.2 or later) to evaluate and use the data to stay one step ahead of even most cunning Scary Monster. Frisky is irresistible and lovable. And, it comes complete with whacky eyes, ball ‘o yarn and endearing, blood-red parts (as if it had just gorged itself on another mammal’s internal organs and was too playful to clean up the bloody residue that’s adorning its soft fur). Awwww…isn’t that adorable?
Fig Q: Surely this pretty kitty poses no real threat, right? Think again, noob, you just got pwned.
50
T H E W E A P O N S
Who says you can’t see the future? With The Overseer, prescience is now yours! Enjoy. This circa 1898, rawhide sack was first used by a renown Hebrew Shaman during the Klondike Gold Rush near Bonanza Creek, Alaska. He imbued it with special powers during a secret ceremony that involved Tweets with God, King David and Nostradamus, creamed whale blubber, frontier whiskey, long-forgotten incantations from the future and over 27,000 squares of chocolate-covered matzoh. As far as appearances go, The Overseer pretty much mimics the natural look and feel of a somewhat oversized human head—so it’s remarkably stealthy and will easily slip over your noggin during your busy workday, allowing you to go about your business as usual. But don’t let the stealthiness fool you. Once it’s on your head, you’ll be able to see everything that’s going to happen, before it happens, up to 29 hours in advance. Ah...the possibilities are seductive and extremely powerful. The Overseer will be one of your most important weapons in the battle against the Scaries.
Fig R: The Overseer was created by a Hebrew Shaman using fronter whiskey found in a desk drawer, so you know it’s good...
52
T H E W E A P O N S
Simplicity is the real benefit of this weapon; it’s a one-step process: Get your target foe to gaze into the mirror for one second. An array of imbedded, proprietary atomic lasers will lock-on to his cerebral cortex via his pupils. For the next 10 minutes, your victim will be treated to a neat and tidy box-of-hell as a his countless atrocities are replayed directly into his brain. As an accompanying audio track to the horrifying images, he’ll hear the rantings and ravings of Dr. Phil, Jillian Michaels and that ‘Leave Britney Alone’ asshole. When their eyes turn fluorescent green (and yes, they will stay that way), you’ll know the work is done. Your foe will proceed to cry like a little baby (you should get this on video by the way), admit that they’ve been wrong and that they are now ready to live a better life.
Fig S: For the next 10 minutes, your victim will be treated to a neat and tidy box-of-hell...
54
T H E W E A P O N S
Handcrafted with loving care by the id29 Black-Ops team, The Career Crusher represents a special blend of old-school hardware, advanced technology and secret sauce. Some people simply don’t deserve to have a career, a paycheck, or for that matter, a happy and prosperous life. When other means fail to deter the Scary Monsters from raining on your parade, turn to The Career Crusher. Simply tap out your foe’s name, set the The Career Crusher to <ON> and all of your foe’s illicit thoughts and deeds—their drug addictions, politically incorrect jokes about little people, the physically and mentally challenged, your company’s executives, questionable acts with gerbils and more will be loaded onto the Google, The New York Times and Yahoo! homepages in all their detailed, audio/video glory. Within minutes, your broken opponent will be leaving your building, cardboard box in-hand. Don’t feel sorry for them. They deserve it. *Note: The Career Crusher is ineffective against Lucifer (see instruction booklet for complete details).
Fig T: When other means fail to deter the Scary Monsters from raining on your parade, turn to The Career Crusher.
56
T H E W E A P O N S
If Frisky the Infiltrator doesn’t provide adequate surveillance, or if you’d like to have a backup means of gathering intelligence on any Scary Monster, The Fly on the Wall simply can’t be beat. Unlike Frisky, The Fly on the Wall can be controlled remotely; allowing you to fly it easily between offices, down corridors and even from floor to floor. It’s so unobtrusive and lifelike that your foes will never know that this state-of-the-art tool is monitoring their every conversation and wirelessly feeding data back to you. 37-times quicker than an average housefly, The Fly on the Wall simply cannot be caught or successfully swatted. Use up to 56 Flies simultaneously to create a swarm of spies. Here’s the coup de grâce: Each Fly boasts the very same technology as an Air Force Predator drone and packs the offensive punch of a sonic blaster, puke-inducer, automatic head-boxer and four bunker-busting miniature tactical nuclear missiles. Sweet tiny little baby infant Jesus, that’s one powerful piece of espionage and weaponry!
Fig U: All my precious secrets, uh-huh, you know ‘em all, Don’t you wish you could be a Fly on the Wall?
*Actual size:
58
T H E W E A P O N S
All people fart. Most people also have some control over their flatulence. Farting is a normal bodily function; this much is understood and accepted. Farting in the workplace, over and over and over and over again with reckless abandon, is, well…unorthodox, alarming and generally unacceptable. Wanna have some fun with a Scary Monster that’s been standing in your way of progress at work? Use any of the classic misdirection tactics, then secretly attach The Flatulator to their bottom (using the specially-designed lock-in canister). Watch with childish glee as your opponent begins to flatulate uncontrollably. Everyone will think your foe has a permanent case of horrifying gas, and their ability to harm you will decrease dramatically. Easy-to-use controls allow you to fine-tune the smell and staying-power of the flatulence, or simply use the Bluetooth feature to download any of 156 available stench profiles directly from the Intergoogles.
Stench Profiles Include: Standard White Male 45-54 Standard White Male 79-93 Lé Moulin Rouge Dutch Oven Hudson Sludge Homemade Sausage Kimchi Rocket Juice
South of the Border Italian Stallion Fumunda Cheese Pigbutt Afghan Nights Frat House Surprise Dumpstah Juizz (City Mix) Dumpster Juice (Country Mix)
Siberian Hot Pot Baby Diaper Melánge Football Player Seafood Mayhem Vegan Voodoo Asian Sampler Dwarf Smells +134 more!!
Fig V: Mount this baby and watch with childish glee as your opponent begins to flatulate uncontrollably.
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T H E W E A P O N S
id29 presents to you a book of immense mystery, importance and power: Chaucer’s Big Book of Spells. This work was first published in London in 1349 at the height of the Black Death to herald Arthur Treacher’s new Grilled! summer menu. According to historians, only one book ever existed and Treacher’s new menu was a complete flop. Geoffrey Chaucer wrote this seminal work at the age of six and it reflects his early obsession with witchcraft and the occult. The book had gone missing for centuries—the last documented owner was a blind eye doctor in Barcelona in 1647. It remained missing until Winona Ryder found it at the bottom of a dumpster behind the Staples Center in Los Angeles. Apparently, Ms. Ryder had to sell a bunch of things recently in order to pay for a settlement (caught on video stealing rolls of toilet paper from Jack in the Box) and this book was one of them. id29 purchased the book at Ms. Ryder’s garage sale/sad cry for help. The BBOS, as it became known, was perhaps the first full-length “how-to” book that addressed the eradication of undesirable people through the use of spells, incantations and enchantments. As such, the book had become the Holy Grail for those who seek a better workplace; free of idiots, those who don’t value exceptional design and creative, jerks, smelly people and malcontents. It is indeed a powerful, comprehensive and versatile weapon against the Scary Monsters.
Fig W: Geoffrey Chaucer wrote this seminal work at the age of six, and it reflects his early obsession with witchcraft and the occult.
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Some say the Kraken is a myth—a legendary, gargantuansized monster that inhabits the ocean depths; lurking, waiting and surfacing only to crush giant ships and eat those onboard. id29 knows better. The Kraken is no myth, no drunken sailor’s impossible tale. The Kraken are real. That is correct, there are *numerous* Kraken inhabiting the seven seas and you most certainly know of their accomplishments. Amelia Earhart? Brought down by a red-headed Kraken named Pete who still lives in a double-wide in the Samoan Islands. Imelda Marcos? She actually *was* a Kraken (though she transformed herself daily with the help of a Hollywood makeup artist)—that explains the need for so many shoes. The Bermuda Triangle? Home to the largest concentration of Kraken in the world of course. On a recent trip to London, id29’s principals—Doug Bartow and Michael Fallone—were raising a pint of Adnam’s Bitter at The Grenadier. A tiny Kraken saddled up to the bar and asked for a pint as well. Bartow and Fallone struck up a conversation, and, as it turns out, The Kraken (and a number of his friends) happened to be out of work due to the economic crisis. id29’s principals asked The Kraken if he’d like to help them fight the Scary Monsters. Just months later, a legion of tiny, terrifying and hungry Kraken (we affectionately call them Pocket Kraken) are helping exceptional marketing folk conquer Scary Monsters all around the world.
Fig X: The Kraken is no myth, no drunken sailorâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s impossible tale.
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Sometimes you can smell one from a mile away. Other times, Turds and Turdishians (a sub-classification of Scary Monsters that includes The Office Whore, The Talker and The Liar) can conceal their stench until it’s too late. While it’s a scientific fact that all Scary Monsters stink, there are times when only the Turd Detector can tip you off to their presence. Cleverly disguised as a magic wand with matching Magician’s Hat, the Turd Detector is stealthy enough for use in just about any office environment, yet effective enough to locate all Turds and Turdishians within a 200 foot radius in under 2 seconds. Simply don the stylish magician’s hat, gently insert the cranial sensor deep into your ear, wave the wand in a complex, triplehelix-figure-eight pattern five or six inches above your head while singing the chorus to any of the catchy hits from Disney’s High School Musical movies and the Turd Dectector will send powerful electronic charges directly into your cerebral cortex. It’s excruciatingly painful and we’re not exactly sure how it works, but we guarantee that you’ll have a bead on the Turd’s location lickety split. Advanced, proprietary nanotech sensors, nuclear magnets stolen from some place called Chernobyl and four small cylinders of extra-sharp Vermont cheddar cheese power this amazing tool.
Fig Y: You make me hot, you make me sigh. You make me laugh, you make me cry. Keep me burninâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; for your love With the touch of a velvet glove...
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Kreplach thinks he does his best work between the hours of 12:45am and 4:45am, Monday through Friday but we’ve seen him scare the krep out of Scary Monsters at all hours of the day. Normally, just the sudden site of Kreplach at a foe’s bedside, or while your foe is all soaped up and fully naked in the shower, is enough to scare the shit out of them and force them to lead a cleaner, less vile life. If, however, you need Kreplach to turn the screws even further, he’ll be more than delighted to deliver customized verbal and/or physical abuse worthy of a Siberian Gulag. Of course, he’ll be riding an elf-sized car, accompanied by Sandy his undead dog and dramatically prancing around with ruffled collar and smeared facepaint; making it even more absurdly creepy and wrong. Oh, did I mention that he’s rotting, smells like an open sewer and could beat the stuffing out of Chuck Norris, Jet Li and Jean Claude Van Damme while gingerly sipping a Hendrick’s Martini and caressing his hot girlfriend? Yeah. Thank sweet baby Jesus he’s on our side. KREPLACH THE UNDEAD CLOWN’S RECENT PORTFOLIO Date
Foe
Punishments Inflicted
End-Result
01.08.10
Hater
Maniacal Laughter, Clubbing
Hater quit job, changed name, moved to Iceland
01.09.10
Liar
Bitch-Slap, Whup-Ass, Noogie
Liar quit job, checked into a mental hospital
02.17.10
Liar
Whup-Ass, Icky Tickle, Rough Ride
Liar went into cardiac arrest, head exploded
02.11.10
Office Whore
Bitch-Slap, Face-Lick, Power Pummel
Whore wept uncontrollably for 7 weeks, 2 days
02.20.10
Lucifer
Jimmy-Finger, Stumpmaster, Foot-in-Butt, Knee Cap Removal
Lucifer was unconscious for 3 days, but completely healthy thereafter (he’s tough)
Simply contact Kreplach at undeadclown@id29.com and schedule him to pay a fun-filled visit to your foe today!
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Some Scary Monsters aren’t malicious. Some are just ignorant or plain dumb and their reform isn’t necessarily contingent upon brute force or the infliction of pain. If you’d prefer not to physically abuse a Scary Monster that lurks within your company, or if you’d like to set them on the path to righteousness, the WikiSyringe is clearly the answer. Through the magic of science, the WikiSyringe injects every bit of Wikipedia’s undeniably accurate data (along with a small receptor chip that automatically updates the recipient’s knowledge via a 3G plan from AT&T) directly into the brain of the recipient. The data and all updates seamlessly bond with the recipient’s neurons and makes them smarter and more to your liking. Here’s how it works: Calmly ask the recipient to sit still and buck up like a big boy, or big girl. Inject the FDA-approved WikiSyringe directly into the center of “Stupid’s” left eyeball. Be sure to abandon all squeamishness and have a steady hand. Penetrate the precise center of the eyeball (or all bets are off). Slowly pump the recipient full of intelligence. The result? A smarter, more well-behaved human being with ideals and morals that are more aligned to yours. Ask about our special InfoSets—customized WikiSyringe knowledge and behavioral datasets that you can tune to create an even more respectable human!
Fig Z: Be sure to abandon all squeamishness and have a steady hand...
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For the most heinous of Scary Monsters, only their complete and eternal obliteration will suffice. Not only does the Star Chamber instantly annihilate your foes, it quietly and efficiently eradicates all traces of their past existence and sterilizes their blood relatives to ensure that their gene pool is wiped clean. No longer will humanity be forced to suffer their malevolence. Simply setup a high-top table and barstools adjacent to the Star Chamber. Invite your enemy to a spirited session of witty dialog and binge-drinking. Proceed to pump them full of cheap beer. When they announce that they have to use the bathroom, casually suggest that they use the new “Port-a-Potty” that’s conveniently situated right next to them. Little will they know that it’s really The Star Chamber that they’ll be stepping into—and that they’ll never, ever have to worry about going to the bathroom again. Once they’re inside, quickly engage the Star Chamber’s lockdown mechanism to prevent their escape and to ensure that the earth doesn’t accidently disappear when you flip the <ON> switch. Turn the hand-crank to charge up the nuclear fusion reactor that’s hidden inside the blueish chemical pool under the Star Chamber’s “seating area.” Flip on the Magnitude 4 (a little bit brighter than our sun) GE Light Bulb. Then, simply push the Big Red Button two or three times and your foe is gone forever. Sit back, enjoy the remainder of your beer and rejoice in knowing that you’ve done your company—and the world—a big favor.
Fig AA: No longer will humanity be forced to suffer their malevolence...
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Congratulations, friend! You now have an army of quickly deployable, completely loyal, small but extremely scary, female warriors at your beckon call. Send them into combat with orders to rip the innards from your unsuspecting foes. Command them to bludgeon, beat and maim even the scariest of the Scary Monsters something unmerciful; or just to duct tape your enemies to the receptionists’ desk and call them names like “sissy-pants,” “booger-eater,” “farty-face,” and “stinky-bottoms.” Your foes will be ashamed, emotionally distressed and unable to peddle their insidious mayhem ever again. Especially effective against male chauvinist pig executives, yet equally adept against just about any monster, this mighty legion is fond of patiently hiding in briefcases, under car seats and in desk drawers until the perfect opportunity arrives to unleash their special brand of hurt. They carry no special weapons, only their lightning-quick hands, gritty determination and years of brutal training within Israel’s Mossad. The choice is yours. The power of the teeny ones is now in your hands. Have fun! Use them wisely.
Fig BB: Send them into combat with orders to rip the innards from your unsuspecting foes.
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I get sick listening to most people talk. Blah, blah, blah. I’m this. I’m that. You’re this. You’re that. I’d do it this way. I’d do it that way. I bought this. I bought that. Bullshit!!! If God wanted us to talk, then why did he invent e-mail and text messaging? Anyways, Scary Monsters really need to be banned from using their vocal chords as a means of communication. Fortunately, The Silencer makes it easy to force your foe to shut the fuck up. The Silencer uses advanced radar to locate your target and, upon lock-on, emits a complex matrix of microwaves that interferes with the vocal area of your enemy’s brain. Your foe is unable to speak for approximately 120 hours after each lock-in (which, as it so happens, is a full work-week). Eliminating your foe’s ability to speak not only reduces noise pollution in your workplace, it severely hampers your foe’s ability to engage in subversive tactics or recruit other Scaries in his battle against you. Of course, week after week of silence will also render your foe utterly useless in the workplace and will most likely lead to a well-deserved firing. Simply smashing!
Fig CC: Why not try weapon combos? The Silencer + The Flatulator is one of our faves...
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They’re slippery, slimy and oozing with toxic puss; every last one of them. There’s no doubt that Scary Monsters can be hard to corner and capture. Sometimes you need to lure and hook ‘em. Some tools are meant to punish. Some tools are designed to reform. Some are intended to kill or severely injure. Aside from the nasty “hook-to-the-mouth” or “hook-to-the-hand” injury that your foe will receive upon biting or grabbing the lure (and the subsequent ripping of the hook from their vile flesh), The Monster Lure Kit is designed to capture. Once captured, the world is your oyster as far as the fate of your foe—but there’s no catch and release here, my friends. Feel free to use in combination with any of the other powerful weaponry for a knockout one-two punch. The Monster Lure Kit appeals to your foes’ habits, addictions and vices; attracting them with lures such as: Pack ‘o Marlboros
Piece of Cake
Porno DVD
Beef Jerky
Chocolate Bar
Chewing Tobacco
Whisky Bottle
How to Be a Big Fat Jerk Booklet
Bluetooth Earpiece
Fig DD: Yummmmmm... cake and whiskey. Nice.
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The vast majority of Scary Monsters have one thing in common: They’re fat, filthy liars. They lie to further their own agendas and prop themselves up. They lie to make you look bad and to bring you down. Unfortunately, in large corporations, mean and nasty people can hide behind trickery, deception and lies for lengthy periods of time. No longer. Enter...id29’s Truthifier. To “mount” The Truthifier to your foe, all you need to do is appeal to their vanity, stupidity and shallowness. Here’s how: Casually mention to your foe “Hey (insert name of foe here,) if you put this on, you’ll be the King of the United States.” In reality, once on their head, the Truthifier eliminates your foes’ ability to lie and dramatically reduces or eliminates their threat level. Also, the Truthifier cannot be taken off, as the “cap” contains advanced organic nanotech neural nets that grow into the brain and spinal chord of your foe. Case closed. Scratch one Scary Monster off your list. Yay!
Typical Truthifier Conversations: Q: Hey (insert name of foe here), are you an asshole? A: “You betcha...I’m a real asshole, one of the finest!” Q: Hey (insert name of foe here), are you a smelly moron? A: “Of course I am, silly!”
Fig EE: “Hey (insert name of foe here,) if you put this on, you’ll be the King of the United States.”
Q: Hey (insert name of foe here,) whatcha doing? A: “Well, I’m planning to undermine everything you do over the next six months because I want your job. Have a great day!”
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A R E
We are a brand & communication design studio. This is our relatively ridiculous book. Please enjoy a glimpse of our work on the following pages. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to meet you. Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d like to discuss working with you.
Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re driven by intelligence, common sense, hard work and the understanding that exceptional design and creative is a competitive advantage. Our capabilities include brand identity, communication design, web design and development and creative technologies. Our clients are household names, multi-billion dollar internationals, mid-sized companies, institutions, organizations and entrepreneurs. We work with remarkable people who demand remarkable results and loathe mediocrity. That sound like you? Consider engaging us for an upcoming project.
Contact Michael Fallone today at: michael@id29.com
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id29_P R I N C I P A L S
Communication Design :: Union College (Schenectady, NY)
International Ad Campaign :: Merlin Metalworks (Chattanooga, TN)
Integrated National Marketing Campaign :: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows :: Scholastic Inc. (NY, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: Pitney Bowes Business Insight (Troy, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: Agora Games (Troy, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: Troy Night Out (Troy, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: Center for Vascular Awareness (Albany, NY)
Communication Design :: Experimental Media and Performing Art Center (EMPAC) at Rensselaer (Troy, NY)
Event Promotion Design client :: EMPAC (Troy, NY) EMPAC (Experimental Media and Performing Arts Center) has commissioned progressive programming since 2004 and id29 has developed the identity and promotion for those events. Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s not an understatement to say that the global arts community has its eye on EMPAC, and weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re happy to be a part of the truly unique things that are happening there.
Communication Design :: Experimental Media and Performing Art Center (EMPAC) at Rensselaer (Troy, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: Brownâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Brewing Co. (Troy, NY)
Brand + Communication Design :: DT Swiss (Grand Junction, CO)
C A R B O NW H E E L
CAPITAL BICYCLE RACING
CLUBUPSTATE NY, SPRING 09
P HOTOS: DANIEL GOODWIN
www.DTSWISS.com
Brand, Communication and Product Design :: Litespeed Bicycles (Ooltewah, TN)
Packaging Design :: Hasbro, Inc. (E. Longmeadow, MA)
Communication Design :: Mohawk Fine Papers (Cohoes, NY)
Communication Design :: id29 (Troy, NY)
Mahaiwe Performing Arts Center :: Great Barrington, MA
Brownâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Brewing Co. :: Troy, NY
Center For Vascular Awareness :: Albany, NY
Massachusetts Museum of Contemporary Art :: N. Adams, MA
All Points Bulletin, Realtime Worlds :: Dundee, Scotland
Ryanâ&#x20AC;&#x201C;Biggs Structural Engineers, PC :: Clifton Park, NY
Generation U, Union College :: Schenectady, NY
ZoomText, Ai Squared :: Manchester, VT
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Scholastic, Inc. :: NY, NY
Falling Anvil Studios :: Troy, NY
Agora Games :: Troy, NY
Union College :: Schenectady, NY
Web Design :: Center For Vascular Awareness (Albany, NY)
Brownâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Brewing Co. (Troy, NY)
Web Design :: Agora Games (Troy, NY)
SI Group (Schenectady, NY) TimeGate Studios (Sugar Land, TX)
Motion Graphics :: Scholastic Inc. (NY, NY)
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Do not think that defeating your enemies is reliant only upon your mastery of weapons. I got news for you, brotato: It ain’t. To identify, locate, subdue and, ultimately, defeat your foes, one needs the focus of a hippo, the confidence of a piece of coffee and the wisdom of a baby gerbil. Don’t get it? I present to you, these jewels of wisdom; this profundity that will boost your slaying powers thousand-fold: Go to the barnyard. Rub manure on your freshly shorn man-chest. Frolic like a pixie with the smelly farm animals. Put your hands where other humans wouldn’t dare. This is misdirection. . . . . . Remember this and pay close attention: Know when not to strike so you can strike when you don’t know that you did or didn’t. Only then can victory be complete. . . . . . Choose your weapons wisely. Hide them in your underpants. That is most skillful. Walk funny here. Walk funny there. Walk funny everywhere. No one knows why you walk funny.
Use root vegetables to create confusion. Use confusion to create root vegetables. Italian grandmothers pull hot casseroles from the oven with their bare hands. One who cannot fathom this is certainly defeated. . . . . . If one encounters Lucifer in the midst of a salt marsh, Hold to the water grass and keep oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s back to the trees. Also, be sure to remove the weaponry from your underpants. You will need it. . . . . . Not knowing the enemy and yet not unknowing the knowledge to know that enemy is like being born inside a hamburger. . . . . . When one can hear the hair growing inside the nostrils of oneâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s foes, one cannot be defeated. That is the path of the true warrior. . . . . . One will encounter clowns. Most are evil and wrong. Listen closely. Study their big red shoes. Evaluate their face paint. Smell them. Do not laugh. They are not funny. . . . . . Monsters may repeatedly jab small pointy objects into your eyeballs. Making them bleed, like, a lot. Rendering them red, mushy and somewhat useless. In most cases this is not good.
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L Ã&#x2030; E N D
It is what it is.
Cert no. xxx-xxx-000