2 minute read
Chow Down: Abs Are Made in the Kitchen
To diet or not to diet.
BY HEATHER HAMILTON-POST
Maybe you’ve heard the joke this year (and we can all use one) that the “19” in COVID-19 stands for the pounds we all gained in lockdown. I don’t own a scale, and generally, I’m just grateful to my body for keeping me healthy during a global pandemic. It doesn’t hurt that many of us have exponentially expanded our wardrobe of elasticwaist pants or that Trader Joe’s is killing it and me with their selection of chocolate-covered JoJo’s and English toffee. But, in the interest of research and resolution, I decided to check out some of the diets routinely hashtagged on Instagram accounts I have never followed.
KETO
As far as I can tell, this diet asks you to eat more butter, but not like on bread or anything that actually tastes good. Someone I know puts a teaspoon of butter in their coffee, which makes me question how it can even be called a diet. After careful social media analysis, the philosophy appears to be: eat a lot of foods with “bomb” in the name, suffer a detox that makes you smelly and cranky, live like this until you wish you were dead.
COVID-19 adaptation: Add butter to literally everything you eat, but absolutely don’t stop eating carbs.
INTERMITTENT FASTING
This one is a little easier to comprehend. Abstain impossibly without eating and then start eating again, but try not to eat all the meals you missed. Undoubtedly, this will be especially easy during this lockdowned holiday. Everyone knows that Mom’s sugar cookies are nasty and dumping them in the trash will be easy and definitely won’t start a family feud that lasts until the next pandemic.
COVID-19 adaptation: 2020 has been a dumpster fire, so, if you must fast, take into account the hours you’re sleeping and consider it time served. Consider dumpsterdiving for mom's cookies a peacekeeping act.
2021 Advice
CLEAN EATING
Clean eating asks that you forgo processed foods in favor of whole foods. Who wouldn’t rather eat an entire spaghetti squash or pancakes made with raw almond flour that requires 24-hours of hand-grinding? I think you’re supposed to eat food raw, too, which eliminates dry spaghetti and meat, unless I’m confusing this plan with another designer-guru-diet. Either way, if you must cook, keep it bland–wouldn’t want to heat up the blood, which is verboten by enlightened influencers who sustain on nothing but nettle soup and millions of IG followers. (Hot blood should be limited to your alcohol intake).
COVID-19 adaptation: Increased levels of covid-sanitation mean that everything you eat right now is clean–so have at it, friend. Don’t forget to handi-wipe your wine glass.
Remember, abs are made in the kitchen, which is both creepy and fortunate, I guess. So get out that sculpted torso-shaped cake pan and whip up your favorite musclebound quarantine surprise. I’ll be cheering you on with my own six pack. Locally brewed, of course, to support our community businesses. Remember, we’re all in this together, in our sweatpants.
