Let's Talk Nice

BY NANCY BUFFINGTON

This past holiday season, I had several friends whose families cancelled their get-togethers. It wasn’t COVID-19 that disrupted their plans–it was anger. They weren’t on speaking terms. Whether it’s the recent election, race relations, or “Meghan Markle: Diva or Heroine?”–we’ve become more and more polarized. Conversations can heat up quickly–just when we really need to stay connected! So what to do? How can we get talking again, peacefully and productively? How do we move towards understanding rather than arguments?

Tabitha Turner

I recently took a deep dive into Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a powerful tool for resolving the roughest of conflicts. It has healed rifts between family members, business colleagues, and warring countries. It’s been around for decades, it’s used all over the world, yet few of us know about it. When I told my BFF Laura about NVC, she stopped me mid-sentence with, “Wait. This is important! Why don’t I know about it? It should be on the cover of the New York Times!”

Tania Mousinho

So I’m here to get the word out.

Nikita Fox

Created by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg (I call him “Mr. Rogers for adults”), NVC has been taught in businesses, schools, prisons and mediation centers globally. By the time he died in 2015, Rosenberg had worked to facilitate communication conflict resolution in 60 countries: Congo, Rwanda, Palestine, Afghanistan. In other words, the Hot Zones. Today, hundreds of thousands learn NVC each year worldwide.

Kelly Searle

Rosenberg’s technique focuses on uncovering each party’s needs—more precisely, the unmet needs behind our actions. With our needs heard and validated, we can move to real communication and problem-solving, together.

Anton Darius

Here’s my unofficial abridged version of NVC’s basic assumptions:

• Every human has universal needs. Things like respect, honesty and support. When our needs are met, we feel good! Life is beautiful. We (usually) behave well. When they’re not…read on.

Jakayla Toney

• A range of universal feelings arise when our needs aren’t met. Think embarrassed, detached, resentful. Which leads to…

• We take action to feel better and get our needs met. Sometimes we resort to not-so-helpful actions: teasing, stalking, or ghosting.

Nicola Chodan

For example: Your teenage son has a need to feel understood by you, though he may not know it. One night, you’re too busy to listen to the details of his latest crushing on a new rapper’s obscenity-laden music. He feels ignored. He takes action: goes to his room, shuts the door a little too hard, and goes silent when you’re ready to listen an hour later.

Muhammad Ruqiuyaddin

NVC uses this need-feeling-action theory in reverse, looking at actions only to discover needs. If you yell at your son for slamming his door, you don’t get very far. However, when you realize he needs you to understand him, you’re on a better path. Once someone feels truly heard, it’s as if a miracle occurs. Body language softens, voices mellow, stubbornness melts.

Carl Jorgensen

Here’s the power of NVC. In the 1990s, Rosenberg was asked to mediate a violent conflict between warring Christian and Muslim tribes in northern Nigeria. He started with his best NVC approach. After a while, one chieftain jumped up and exclaimed, “if we knew how to speak to each other this way, we wouldn’t have to kill each other.” Soon after, the war was permanently resolved.

Mesbapi Mari

What about NVC at work? An NVC training was held at Merck about ten years ago. A posttraining assessment found an 80% increase in overall efficiency, and up to a 90% decrease in issueresolution time. My favorite? Staff meeting time was cut in half.

Hamid Tajik

NVC offers actionable hope and help for us to reconnect, talk through differences, and do better work. With a little post-pandemic luck and effort, we can enjoy more peaceful, joyous family dinners. Onward, to a more understanding future for all!

Panitan Punpuang