The “D” Word
One of the most highly debated topics when it comes in the beginning and making sure the comes to parenting is discipline. There are literally “punishment fits the crime.” Taking a teenagers cell phone for a week because he forgot to take thousands of out the garbage is extreme and will get you rebooks, articles, blog Training that corrects, molds, or sentment and pushback. posts, and perfects the mental faculties or message moral character... Letting your kids learn the hard way is boards on this tough, but will reap long-term rewards. subject and the For example, if your child is difficult to get to questions never seem to stop. Parents often feel guilty or worry that they are bed on time, stop stressing yourself out about checking to see if she is asleep every 10 minutes. being either too harsh or too soft. Moreover, the This will lead to anxiety for your child (thus nearly nonstop stream of unsolicited advice from making it harder to sleep). Anxiety builds resentseemingly everyone (parents, grandparent, aunts, ment and resentment is the enemy of trust. teachers, and even strangers) creates conflict and Instead, try setting the perimeter that she frustration. needs to be in bed at 9pm (or whatever time you When kids come to the Idaho Youth Ranch, establish in your home). Take away distractions we often have to conquer behavior issues first. We use scientifically proven ways of changing be- like tablets, phones, TVs, or hand-held games. If havior. Our goal is not to punish kids. We want to your child then chooses to stay up, she will have to deal with being tired and sluggish the next day. teach kids to make good decisions about their Experience will teach her more than any punchoices. Sound like something that will help you? ishment. Keep reading. So when should you intervene versus allowing natural consequences? When your child is engaging in dangerous or Let’s start with some vocabulary. Consequencinappropriate behavior, it is time to step in and es are the natural outcomes for actions or deciteach your child. sions. For example, if you decide to eat fast food every day and do not choose to exercise the consequence will likely be weight gain, poor health, and increased cholesterol. Makes sense, right? A punishment is an artificial outcome for a choice or decision. For example, staying out past curfew doesn’t necessarily have any natural outcomes (like weight gain) your child can learn from. Therefore, a punishment like losing cell phone privileges is appropriate to make your point.. An easy way to save yourself some grief from your kids is by setting clear expectations about out-
It is easy to forget to praise your child for good behavior. All children (even teenagers) crave your approval and a simple acknowledgement goes a long way. Telling your kids thank you for playing nicely together, taking out the trash, or using good manners can make such a big impact—especially if you start while they are little. Think of it this way. Instead of punishing bad behavior, you are preventing bad behavior and motivating your kids to want to behave better.
pectations. Everyone makes mistakes— especially kids who are still developing and learning. Dealing with mistakes and bad choices with clear, logical consequences is an important teaching tool and the best way of helping them become successful adults.
Hit your child. At the Idaho Youth Ranch, we see a lot kids who haven’t learned any type of structured way to anticipate consequences, handle those consequences, and react in a healthy way. In many cases, this is caused by improper use of punishment. When punishment feels random to a child or is used as a primary method of teaching, it places an unhealthy focus on negative behavior, elicits anger and fear instead of learning, and discourages goal setting or positive change. However, when kids have a clear picture of expectations and consequences (for both respecting and ignoring boundaries), they can learn from their choices. Punishment that is arbitrary, unnecessarily harsh, or used as a primary teaching tool can make kids feel out of control and resentful of parents and other authority figures.
Most of the kids we see at the Idaho Youth Ranch have experienced enough punishment to last a lifetime. Instead of centering your parenting around punishment in an attempt to encourage good behavior, we recommend a primary focus on and celebration of positive behavior. Encourage, celebrate, and reward good behavior in the form of responsibility, privileges, verbal praise, and support. Let your kids know that your love isn’t conditional on their behavior while still maintaining boundaries and clear ex-
Make decisions while you are angry or upset with your child. This often leads to overly harsh punishments. Beat a dead horse. Once you have disciplined your child don’t continue to criticize their behavior. It is very easy for kids to take your disapproval of a behavior as a disapproval of themselves. Ask your child clarification questions to make sure he/she understands exactly why they are in trouble. It is always better if you can get your child to say what they did wrong or why they got in trouble by asking questions. : Make sure your expectations are clear upfront. A quick conversation before you walk into a grocery store with a 5-year-old about good behavior or a check-in with your teen before he goes out can go a long way. : Remember to thank them for their good behavior and ask why they made those choices. : Remember that kids are learning. Your children love you and want to make you proud. Help them be their best selves and show them right from wrong.