“Please Refund My Pursuit of Happiness”

BY MADISON SHIRLEY

What do you do when you have Bought The Pursuit Of Happiness

But you can’t feel anything?

Not like a psychopathy

More like you have so heavily Invested

In the concepts and things that were Supposed to guide you through that journey

You are now Broke. Broken. Broke.

The top ramen of tears doesn’t quite taste the same When your emotional currency has run dry. You bought it all, after all. Why budget for yourself when the shopping List was seemingly written in stone for you?

You got the life but forgot the spoons to serve it with. Great grades. Good School.

Decent job with solid pay, Awesome life, or so they say Just follow this guide and your path will be made.

So why is it that this concrete path on your pursuit of happiness that you have laid is Cracked. Split. Broken. Broken by numbness like Rosemary in the cracks of My mind.

Rosemary, mind you, which Refuses to grow in My garden, no matter what I try.

But these dark spines thrive in the Mind.

Warping, twisting, in a way that leaves you

Always working

Weeding intrusive thoughts

Or nothing feels

Because otherwise, they overrun your perfect path

And you are trapped

Like in a hedge maze with nowhere to go.

That’s when a passing stranger might kindly shout through the dense brush:

“Have you just tried to pray it away?”

But you pray

Every Damn Day

Hoping to feel something, anything, anyways Even pain.

Is there an emotional insurance you can cash in on?

Some safety net for an investment gone wrong?

Heck, burn it, drown it, tear it all down, Even if it took the path, the pursuit, with it too. At least I’d feel something. I’d take pain too. But you’ve got nothing left, so you just let it Grow.

It eats at your path, your plan, your pursuit, Till there’s nothing but the bare ground beneath your feet, And you’ve got nothing left to spend, to give, So you sit in the numb haze of your maze, While the life you purchased with your Energy and time goes by.

Till the numbness becomes comfort, Becomes safe and secure from the rushing life You’d procured. And where your pristine, perfect path once ran Grows grass, mixed with sand, Which is soft and gentle compared to the hard concrete You had poured.

The straight and narrow path is gone, but the maze is for sure. And you’ve bought this life it’s built on, so you might as well walk it. The corridors of numbness take you way far off course, Into pockets of your life you hadn’t thought to explore.

It’s denser in some spots, thinner in others, So sunshine pokes through, and maybe some flowers But in the quiet, dark spaces, you do something you haven’t Done in a while You think. And you think. And then you breathe deep. Then you realize that that path you were paving, Concrete, firm, contrived, Was never ending.

The mindless pursuit and presentation of this concept of happiness Was fleeting. It does not exist at the END of a path, It must be found in between sadness and sometimes malaise. Laughter and dance are only sustainable bookended By moments that are silent and still.

And you can see from your hedge

The stars only shine against the darkest of skies. Now your maze is winding, twisting, and warping, With uneven flooring and natural trappings. It’s not easy, not comfortable, but the journey goes on And the moments of joy are fleeting but strong.

But the deep rests you get in between as you walk in the shade Are calming respites you find that you need. A moment to reflect, reset, and appreciate what you can feel.

While it’s not what you paid for, it’s what you’ve got, But somehow this maze offers quite a lot.