Single in the Season for Couples

by Marwa Rakha

Several readers who are either single or in complicated relationships have written to me and expressed their dread towards the coming holidays! How does one survive being alone when everyone is celebrating love and feeling jolly during Christmas and the New Year? How does one escape the silliness of all these Christmas movies on Netflix? Or the belief that a miracle would happen, and “Santa” would drop Mr. Right at the door if no chimney is available? I feel you ... I was there!

My “old” self, my under 40 self, would have told you to enjoy being alone, that there is a difference between alone and lonely, that your independence is worth celebrating, that being alone is better than being with the wrong person, and that you can always count on furry or feathery pets, and friends. I would have also insisted that these “celebrations” are meaningless manmade rituals that should mean nothing, and that one should not give in to self-pity. I would have gone “whoa” on you fully cowboy style and asked you to count your blessings and stop whining!

Today, I will tell you none of the above! None of it works actually! It might give you a temporary sense of control or satisfaction, but it will never give you inner peace. So here is my updated advice:

First, make room for all the negative emotions that season is stirring up. Yes! It is okay to feel angry, sad, jealous, envious, and miserable. I would urge you to express such powerful emotions verbally to a confidante, or artistically in the form of a surrealistic painting or a horribly ugly sculpture, for example.

Second, do not push yourself to go out and celebrate – especially if you are hoping for that miracle to happen at a party or a gathering. Whether or not you meet someone, you are setting yourself up for disappointment; the disappointment of going through all that trouble for nothing, or the disappointment of deluding yourself into a miracle that will never really happen – in plain English: getting played because you were emotionally vulnerable.

Third, escape! Why not? I am sure if you book yourself a pottery class, a birdwatching session, and a visit or two to some ancient remains of civilizations that are no longer there in Fayoum, for example, you would have fun and you would not ever realize that it’s “the season”! There are places where you will not see men dressed as Santa, Christmas trees, jolly songs, lights and decorations, people kissing at midnight, countdowns, or any of the things that would push the dagger of loneliness deeper in your heart.

Fourth, be kind to yourself! Cry and give yourself a hug. Give yourself a pat on the shoulder for being so brave; the bravery of admitting how lonely you are and how miserable that makes you feel. It takes a lot of strength to accept one’s fate … the fact that you are alone is simply fate! It is not your fault.

Fifth, do not work so hard! I used to think that it is one’s responsibility to create the ideal situations for meeting a partner and I used to believe that a person needs to work hard on making oneself more desirable; whether by taking better care of one’s personal appearance, reading a variety of topics and sharpening the saw of intellectuality, becoming more financially independent so as not to become a financial burden, being more empathetic and caring, and the list of improvements goes on and on. If you want to do any of the above, do it for yourself not to become a more viable partner in the “singles’ market”. Sixth, grow a Peace Flower in your mind. The concept of the Peace Flower is originally a Montessori concept and it aims at minimizing conflict and enhancing interconnectivity. The Peace Flower has four petals: Self-Awareness, Community Awareness, Cultural Awareness, and Environmental Awareness.

When looking at the first petal, you look within yourself and examine your childhood, past experiences, beliefs, value system, priorities in life, attitudes, code of ethics, and needs. You look at your relationships in general and question your choices, your motives, your actions, and your feelings.

The second petal focuses on your relationships but from another perspective; the conflicts, the oneness, the struggles, the appreciation, the toxicity, and you can create peace with your family members, neighbors, colleagues, peers, friends, etc.

The third petal is all about offering others the acceptance they deserve. Accept that people are different, the families they came from are different from yours, the beliefs they hold so dear to their hearts might not be the same as yours, their choices, habits, lifestyles, and even what they eat or wear could be different. Ridiculing people, shaming them, rejecting them, excluding them, or judging them only hurts us and alienates us.

The last petal is a reminder that we are all interconnected: the humans, the plants, the animals, the land, the water, and the air. We need to be less hurtful towards nature because we are nature … we are a part of nature and we would only be hurting ourselves. Messing up with the natural order will only lead to more imbalances within our lives, bodies, and souls. Plant trees, care for the wild birds, offer kindness, do not add to the pollution, and open your heart to the love of beauty.

It is okay to be alone and lonely, and it is only natural to feel blue towards the end of another year.