April 2016

April 2016 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 123 #13 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 North Cayuga Street, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE

INSIDE THIS ISSUE

4 REASONS

ADVENTURE

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WHY THIS YEAR IS IHS’S MOST DANGEROUS YET

A TREATISE

By AKINA BROWNIE

Walking through the hallways of IHS, there are many dangers that faculty and students have to face on a daily basis. The school has become a monster house with lead-contaminated water, asbestos-filled walls, floors falling out from under desks all putting students in constant peril. These circumstances have left the students lurking in the many hallways of IHS asking: Why is IHS trying to kill us?

First with the lead crisis, slowly poisoning all drinkers of the school’s infamously delicious water. With 10 plus years of damage on those exposed, we must wonder what kind of mutations have been put onto the victims. Or even, what is in the “water” coolers that the school has proved as a “safe method of hydration.” Are they using bottled water in the kitchen, or is the soup filled with lead?

What’s more, who knows what the water in the swimming pool contains. It is unknown when the pool was last drained, and one P.E. teacher has even commented that if the water was to be drained, the walls of the pool may cave in. This has caused CONTINUED ON PAGE 3

IN UPSTAIRS K

Diversity Sought in Affirmative Action Policy

PEARSE ANDERSON

Why the School is Trying to Kill Us

SENIORITIS

By HARVER DJARD

Left: The blusher; Right: Trumble tests Trumble Rouge #nofilter #dazzling

Tattler Introduces New Line of Cosmetics

By BILL SCHIEDT

Calling it a quick and simple way to achieve a “radiant, youthful glow,” The Tattler announced the launch of its new line of rouge on Friday.

“Epidermal Watercolour Crème-Rouge Blusher is guaranteed to give consumers the luscious, dazzling skin they’ve always wanted,” The Tattler said in a press release, adding that consumers who purchase the cosmetic can use it to touch up “trouble areas,” immediately reversing the effects of aging and discoloration.

The blusher comes in one tone: Trumble Rouge. “As any makeup artist knows, a touch of red in the cheeks can give you an appealing healthy glow,” the press release said. “Principal Trumble’s soft, natural skin tone was the perfect shade of rosy-pink that we felt everyone at IHS could get behind.”

“The compact is a bit heavy,” Trumble said while testing the product. “But I like the tint—I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s a substantial rose for your makeup bag.”

With a subtle shimmer, the blush gives a light radiance and a brilliant tint to the cheekbones. “Very silky texture—goes on evenly and smoothly,” Tattler faculty advisor Deborah Lynn commented on the student-made rouge. “I didn’t think it would look this

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Despite continuing attempts to continue to attempt to grow its pool of editor applications, the Tattler has met with little success in altering its classically dichromatic sheen. We love white and yellow as much as the next newspaper; unfortunately, it appears that hypocrisy has a limit, or so they say.

To ameliorate the situation of its rapidly stagnating editorial board, the Tattler is pleased to announce the creation of the New Affirmative Action Committee for Postulants (NAACP) to select only the most qualified applicants for its racial quotas.

CEO of Tattler Inc. John “John Yoon” Yoon ’16 cites the recent departure of the Tattler’s sole splash of color, former Webmaster Gayathri Ganesan ’15, as inspiration for the move.

“I’ve received a lot of emails asking, ‘Why couldn’t you have implemented this sooner?’ and I have to say, I—that is, our current editors—have been trying our best to diversify the staff without being overtly blatant about it,” said Interim Tattler

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Editorial

On Senioritis (sorry for doing this so close to the deadline, it should be completed by March 31!)

As we start to wind down the school year, seniors begin to become infected. Earlier this year I classified two diseases: prepper’s flu, an illness associated with the final rounds of college tours and extreme fatigue during the early decision application season; and faux-antenatal chronic kettleboiling (FACK), a feeling of being overwhelmed, shortness of breath, and the great weight of the future or deleted options. Now a third disease has appeared, although some have been feeling it for months. It’s called senioritis.

The majority of senioritis comes into play after college acceptance, or at least after a senior turns in the last of their college paperwork. Why do work when they can play Smash Bros. or skip class and take quasi-artsy pictures of Ithaca Falls? I’ve actually been inspired to avoid the majority of my responsibilities and reread my X-Men collection. However,

Staff 2015 – 2016 Top Kek

John “John Yoon” Yoon ’16 editor@ihstattler.com

Vice Kek

Purse FollowmeonInstagram ’16 news@ihstattler.com

Iron-Fisted Controller of Thought

[INSERT INTERVIEWS WITH SENIORS ABOUT SENIORITIS HERE]

Lizard Goldstein ’16 opinion@ihstattler.com

Future Man

Linkin Park ’17 features@ihstattler.com

Farts Editor

I’m Cornbread ’17 arts@ihstattler.com

LAX Bro

Look, a Green Spoon ’17 sports@ihstattler.com

Sudoku Sensei

Claire Sail off the Coast ’16 backpage@ihstattler.com

Mental Dread Editor

Hikaru Sulu ’17

centerspread@ihstattler.com

No Longer Editor

Daniel Who? ’17

So you can see now how ...

copy@ihstattler.com

Photography Editor

Fidget Jetski ’16 photo@ihstattler.com

Honorable Samurai

Kenzo Uchiwigasalakawiki ’16 Elen Uchiwigasalakawiki ’18 layout@ihstattler.com

Head Chef

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Stovetop Andrew ’17 business@ihstattler.com

Fiery Web Ninja

Tantrum Angst ’17 web@ihstattler.com

Room Service

I’mma Roast You ’16

[ADD CONCLUSION (I will! After I finish House of Cards season four!)]

distribution@ihstattler.com

Social Experiment

Akina Brownie ’17 sm@ihstattler.com

Faculty Advisor

Penguin Queen advisor@ihstattler.com

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The Tattler is the student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. It was founded in 1892 and is published monthly.

As an open forum, The Tattler invites opinion piece submissions and letters to the editor from all community members.

Drop off submissions in E25, email them to editor@ihstattler.com, or mail letters to: The Tattler 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. Submissions do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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Department Head: Fun, Games No Longer Part of Curriculum

By I’M CORNBREAD

Recently, during a candid staff meeting held deep within ICSD, a department head declared that fun and games are not, in fact, supposed to be part of the curriculum. She also announced a plan for the removal of both fun and games within the next full scholastic year. Sources say that horseplay was affirmed to have made the list of relegations from the curriculum. With this denouncement of all antics, shenanigans, and friendly competition in the classroom, school is bound to look very different for most students.

For privacy reasons, this article cannot disclose which IHS department head made this announcement; however, students and administration leaders alike are reeling from this ballsy, anonymous statement.

Questions that had never before been considered have arisen, such as: Who has the right to place fun in or out of the curriculum? Are tomfoolery and ballyhoo really a detriment to our education? Will teachers be willing to readily toss aside Kahoot? Will students who formerly filled the niche of “jokester” and “class clown” soon have to resort to bookwork and algebra? And, most importantly, how does one define “horseplay”?

When students came to school on Friday to find the new rules about curriculum posted on large boards, public outcry reached a climax. Some say they saw Trumble riding off into the countryside on a Western steed, having finally thrown in the towel, but this report cannot be confirmed. Several students were also seen deliberately having fun, which would be, in effect, prohibited behavior under the proposed regulation.

Later in the day a student-run coalition of panicked freshmen and noble seniors set up chessboards in every classroom and staged a tournament in protest. Late after many hours of the interminable stalemates of unpracticed chess players, John “Westwig” Yoon ’16 came out victorious. However, when he was asked about how he would use his publicity to overturn the fun/games/horseplay situation, the senior sadly shook his head and wondered aloud if maybe it was for the best.

With a Yoon-family elder backing the policy, reaction to the new curriculum guidelines may simmer. It is this writer’s opinion that the conservative viewpoint of a respected Asian senior may allow more antsy students to slow down and consider the downfalls of the inclusion of fun and games in the curriculum. Rhetorically, though, accusations of fascism have proved to be very provocative, especially in the community at large. Ithaca’s branch of the Democratic Socialist Party has even asked for permission to identify and publicly humiliate the unnamed department head by trashing her front yard with compost.

Mentions of horse droppings were said to possibly be added to the mix, but sources cannot confirm this rumor at this time.

Only time will tell the success of this regulation. With curriculum rules constantly evolving, students must learn to be adaptable and reasonable. As we move forward in the classroom without fun, games, or horseplay, we will be forced to continue to expand our knowledge and redefine our identities as students. It is quite possible though, in this tumultuous time, that the worst has yet to come. Wring fun from the stale sponge that is education, and do it quick—while you still can.

“WHY THE SCHOOL IS TRYING TO KILL US” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

many dangers for the school’s swim teams and for P.E. classes that have ventured into the black water to learn the proper technique for elementary backstroke. Members of the swim team often complain about Fred, a ghost who resides in the gutter of the pool feeding off gum, bandaids, and the laughter of teengers. Along with the pool’s toxic levels of chlorine, the lead in the pool has most likely been accumulating for years. One accidental swallow during the front crawl may result in a death at the hands of IHS or years of disease and woe in the ending decades of swimmer’s lives.

At every turn, it seems as if IHS is poisoning us in some way, from asbestos to whack floors. With recent “flooding” causing many classroom floors to breakup and close said rooms, the cause is really unknown, forcing students to relocate. Although it seems plausible that the water running underneath tiles could cause them to become warped and cracked, the theory of undead beings rising from underneath the school was never proven wrong, nor was the possibility of an Ithacan version of the Chamber of Secrets being opened and a 75-foot basilisk slithering through the pipes of the high school. This, however, would mean that the basilisk itself would be poisoned by lead, hindering its fluid movement with joint pain and constipation causing it great difficulty in terrorizing the students. This extra stress is unwarranted and leaves students constantly questioning when the floors may be about collapse from underneath them. The school claims that the asbestos problem is being handled, but it is unknown whether the harmful spray is leaking out of these classrooms during school hours, filling the lungs of passerby with toxins potentially even more dangerous than the asbestos itself.

With many lives at risk, people have begun to seek a savior. There have been rumors throughout the school of an oracle being located in the second floor of K-building, telling students how much longer they have left before these terrors destroy them. The chances of this supernatural being bringing any help to the people in need is becoming slim to none as the school year is closing, but with a little hope, students and faculty are expected to make it out alive.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Why This Year is IHS’s Most Dangerous Yet

By KEN HOTATE

As our dedicated readers may have noticed, this year has been extraordinarily eventful for IHS (and we haven’t even exited the Death March to spring break yet!). Unfortunately, it has been the wrong kind of exciting, as the school faced challenges of all sorts.

One must wonder why it is this year, of all years, that the school’s problems with asbestos, low wages, lead, etc. have come to a head. Here are some theories as to why and proposed solutions.

1. Indian Burial Ground

Last spring, Bob Tuori directed the construction of a hoophouse that was meant to be used

by Sustainable Agriculture students this spring.

Little did he know that the hoophouse lies over a very small, self-contained Indian burial ground.

The victims of American expansionism lie underneath the beds of tulip bulbs, spinach, and kale, cursing the organization above. Their restless spirits may have been responsible for the burst pipes that messed with the heating system and drenched various parts of the school, necessitating the removal of some normal tiles and some tiles that contained asbestos.

Solution: Unfortunately, until Kate McKinnon, Melissa McCarthy, Kristen Wiig, and Leslie Jones are released from their filming obligations, they will not be able to share the sensitive information and training they received for their parts as the new Ghostbusters. We will simply have to wait until these women can come to our rescue and save the school from ghosts.

2. Contagious Hex Brought Back from Germany

According to Wikipedia, German people speak in terms of hexing. As IHS went on its biennial exchange to Tuttlingen this summer, it would not be surprising to hear that someone annoyed their host family enough to get hexed and then happened to spread the hex to other students and, eventually, the whole school.

Solution: In a tragic show of shortsightedness, the U.S. government has not yet mandated quarantines for travelers who have recently visited popular hexing destinations. However, if it can be proven that IHS’ misfortune this year stems from a contagious hex, this writer has hope that a case can be made for the necessity of such quarantines. The CDC and TSA could not possibly ignore the profound threat posed by hexes, and we can only hope that they will soon take the appropriate steps to address this potential disaster.

3. First Win in Four Years

by Football Team

Simply put, it was unnatural for our football team to win a game this year. And, while the universe did make a quick attempt to bring itself back into balance vis a vis the bus battering business, it simply wasn’t enough. The football team’s extraordinary luck exacted a high price from the rest of the school. Everyone else in IHS should expect another seven to ten years of moderately bad luck as the universe puts itself back in balance.

Solution: Obviously, the football team can never be allowed to win again. Even letting them play is risky; something as innocuous as a tie in a scrimmage could be the final blow for IHS.

4. Years of Ignoring the Demands of Teachers, as well as Failing to Prioritize Updating the Infrastructure of a School Built in the ’60s

Many of IHS’ problems this year come from a long-standing failure to invest time and money in updating infrastructure to reflect higher health standards and raising teachers’ salaries to remain competitive with those earned in surrounding school districts. Trace amounts of lead in the water, which may have been acceptable back when the school was built in the ’60s, don’t meet the EPA’s current standards for water purity. Although asbestos was an acceptable fire retardant decades ago, today it is well-known to cause lung cancer. Given that our school is prone to flooding, it should have been a priority a long time ago (say, in 2012, when the whole school flooded) to tear out all asbestos tiles, rather than waiting for an extreme weather event in the middle of the year to force the issue. And, of course, the district should have done more to ensure benefits for its hard-working teachers, rather than counting competitive pressure from young SUNY Cortland and Ithaca College graduates to keep its teachers grateful for their jobs. It’s a disgrace that in a school where so many students attain wild success, as we are reminded at quarterly award ceremonies, the teachers who make such success possible are so poorly compensated.

Solution: Given that a structural reevaluation of ICSD’s short-sighted policies is about as likely as the cast of Ghostbusters coming to IHS and purifying the whole school, we might as well start lobbying Kate McKinnon now.

Copy Editor No More

By DANIEL WHO?

The position of Copy Editor has had a rich and varied history with the Tattler since the newspaper’s birth in 1892. Most Tattler issues display unmistakable signs of Copy’s presence: although copy editing had its modest origins in unreadable scratches scrawled over each article (hence the origin of the moniker “Copy,” as the unfortunate editor would have to rewrite each of the destroyed articles), the advent of modern electronics has significantly eased the process. Each Copy Editor in turn worked their hardest dealing with em dashes, en dashes, o dashes, p dashes, q dashes, comma splices, coma splices, colon failure, colorectal surgery, and worst of all, ambiguous hyphenation: a little-known case in which the Tattler was sued for distribution of marijuana on school grounds saw the day saved by Copy Editor Darnell Shoe ’71, who changed an unfortunate instance of “high school students” to “highschool students” in the nick of time.

Whether the sentence structure was parallel, perpendicular, or even skew, the Copy Editor has always been ready to tackle each aspect.

All good things must come to an end, however. As of this issue, the position of Copy Editor will no longer exist. In an increasingly modern time where the definition of a dangling modifier is only a click away, the act of poring over papers brimming with unparsable sentences has become as intransitive as a verb in a Sports article. Journalistic jargon has been japed jerastically, and it seems that most voice their concerns only passively about the grammatical structure of our vaunted articles.

The abolishment of the Copy position is one of a series of reforms that pushes the Tattler in the direction of a new, more modern newspaper in accordance with the Ithaca City School District (ICSD)’s technological integration policies. Beginning with the May issue, the Tattler will move away from its ages-old CONTINUED ON PAGE 7

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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Hall Monitor

By X-Games June

What has it been like growing up in Ithaca as a person of color?

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“TRUMBLE ROUGE” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

JAMES YOON

attractive, but I’m sure the teachers will find it really useful. My students seem more engaged in class when I use it.”

The press release said that the product line was especially aimed for high-school students who were “just not confident” about their pale, sleep-deprived skins. According to The Tattler, users will be able to embody the confidence and energy that Principal Trumble exudes as the school’s head.

“When we started the project two years ago, we were taken aback by the number of students who felt they were too weak, scared, and alone because of their appearance,” Tattler Editor-in-Chief John Yoon ’16 said in an interview.

He cited his staff’s study on various major fashion magazines, which showed how the mainstream media’s pressure to conform to a certain definition of beauty has had drastic psychological effects on youth.

“That inspired us to try to help students make their expectations reality. Those unrealistic standards that students were burdened by, they’re now achievable,” Yoon said.

“But, you know, just remember—this product’s only a temporary distraction,” he added. “To be completely honest, you can’t spend your whole life cowering in fear under a layer of Trumble Rouge that you think could mask your insecurities. When you peel away the lies and expose the real you ... wait, am I saying this out loud? Yeah, cut that off. Don’t print.”

“AFFIRMATIVE ACTION” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1

Doug W. Silberstein ’17: Well, what is race really? Empirically speaking, it is merely a social construct. And I think I’m qualified in every way to talk about this issue because I know I’m color-blind. It’s simply something I don’t take into consideration in my day to day business. I don’t think about it at all, in fact. I’m actually pretty proud of that.

I could serve as a model for other people because others should think and live the way I do. I mean, look at the news! Do you see all these people fighting, trying to draw lines in between each other? Just fit in, for god’s sake! If I can fit in, there’s no reason why they can’t.

Part of it is that I have this sense of mutual respect with the colored. They respect me and I respect them back! Simple as that!

Now it’s their turn to do the same.

But I do admit: growing up in Ithaca, I have been privileged to be exposed to people from so many different cultures. I mean, I have friends whose ancestries trace back to people from Ireland, Norway, Germany, Poland, just all over. Now that’s what I call diversity. And we get along quite well, too, like civilized people.

Anyone who doesn’t get along with other cultures like I do are inferior—savage. I mean, how barbaric do you have to be to not get along with folks from all these different cultures? It’s just ridiculous.

Does that answer your question, pal?

Chief Diversity Officer James Park ’17, formerly editor of the Features section, during an exclusive interview. “But we know exactly how it feels to be dismissed based on race as well. My brothers Central and Millennium never had much luck with the diversity of their clients either. Please clap.” Park, who has been cited as a member of a Mongoloid conspiracy to maintain control over the Tattler alongside fellow editors surnamed Yoon, Xu, and Uchigasaki, proceeded to deny all charges raised against him.

There have been persistent worries that affirmative action will only perpetuate the trend of butter- and cream cheese-complexioned applicants vying for an editorial spot.

Fear not, for the NAACP has figured the mathematics to support its policy. Analysis of target demographics from a variety of closely related sources such as the ICSD (Islamic Center of San Diego) and MIT (Made In Taiwan) has shown that adoption of new policies results in at least a [redacted] percent increase in diversity per year per newton, even though that’s not actually measurable. The five-year plan going forward depends heavily on these numbers, so we can’t actually release them to the public until 2021, by which time we’re sure that the Tattler staff will have achieved a 1:1:1:π ratio of whites to blacks to Latinos to Asians.

The purportedly ongoing issues have done little to dampen enthusiasm for the Tattler’s affirmative action policy, at least within the editorial board. 2016–17 looks to be a bright year for Tattler diversity. Make sure to tell all of your non-white, non-Asian friends to pick up an application; they’ll probably get in. Maybe. We’re pretty sure we’re doing this right.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

My Adventure in Upper K-building We find our intrepid hero lost in the bowels of the dark halls of upper K-building, having used a special program on his magic Chromebook to get to the hellish place. In addition to his Chromebook, his only assets are a flashlight, graphing calculator, a dozen Clif bars, and his wits.

The corpses of the many freshmen who search for upper K-building with the kind of fanatic shame-fueled passion that being late to class brings to some people litter the floor. It’s not a very nice place, no siree it’s not.

But the newest freshman to become trapped in upper K-building is still alive!

Though very weak with thirst, hunger, and toxic metal ions in her blood, Cassandra reveals the dark secret of the place: one of IHS’s old principals—called crazy lead guy—uses an abandoned chemistry classroom to poison IHS’s students with lead, having become mean in his old age.

Will our hero and Cassandra be able to stop his nefarious plans? Or will they join the corpses scattered on the floor?

I heard a voice from the doorway.

“You’re new.” It was ominous and sharp; hostile.

I turned around, feeling very afraid.

Then I puffed out my chest and asked if he was crazy lead guy.

“Fool! Do you think I am crazy! I’ll get you!” He wore a suit under a large greatcoat. A battered fedora sat askew on his head.

He charged towards me, right hand pulled back for a punch. I dropped the backpack in which I had all my supplies and whirled my right foot into his diaphragm, taking the force of his charge but not the punch. He doubled over and I was thrown backwards. I aimed another kick at his head, but I missed, knocking the fedora across the classroom. I was offguard and he tackled me against a desk.

As any AP Psychology student knows, the back of a human’s head contains the occipital lobes of the brain, responsible for vision. My head hit the desk hard. I think it bounced off and on the desk several times. In any case, my vision went fuzzy and beautiful stars danced across my vision. He hit me several more times, which didn’t hurt, because I couldn’t have been more than two percent conscious.

By FIREBALL

“First watch as your computer dies!”

Indeed, it had partially slipped from my backpack before our fight. “These newfangled machines are the death of society!” He picked it up. I lay there unable to do anything as he reduced my beautiful Chromebook to rubbish with a chair.

“You ...” I searched for a word that was appropriate to describe the deep disgust, hatred, and loathing I felt. It was as though someone had splashed cold water on my face; adrenaline surged through my legs. But before I knew it we were on the floor and I was rolling over him, trying to grab his hand. I found it, and locked the guy’s arm between my legs. I took his pinky and bent it back until it gave, the sharp crack followed by a cry of pain. We rolled away from each other, he holding his damaged hand and I trying to get up in my still barely conscious state.

I found the words I wanted. “You incontinent cactus! You insufferable toad! You philistine with no appreciation of good and beautiful and happy technology…

GOOGLE HATER!” He got up, but only for a second, because somehow Cassandra had found the strength to heave a desk at him. It bounced off his mildly wrinkled forehead with a satisfying, almost belllike ring, before clattering to the floor. He turned to look at her, almost quizzically, and then fell over.

But then got up again and his hand seemed to have healed. And I couldn’t.

How strong is this guy? I wondered. Crazy lead guy opened his mouth to say something, but before any sound could come out, a strong voice cut him off.

“Aha! I have found you, child-poisoner!” boomed ICSD’s over-competent principal, Mr. Jason Trumble. “Now you die!”

He charged forwards, bellowing like an enraged rhinoceros. He chased crazy lead guy out of the room, and off into the darkness down the hallway. We could still hear his threats for a good time after.

All the fighting had made me hungry, so I started eating five Clif bars, the wrappers as loud as a jet engine as they crinkled. I gave the remaining seven bars to Cassandra, who had more need of them.

Then the fighting duo started to come closer as Mr. Trumble’s voice became louder.

“How could you! Do you know the neg-

ative press IHS gets from all the lead poisoning?” Gaaaahhh!”

But then there was a whump, screams, and yells, and more whumps. “I won’t have no one interfering with my plans!” It sounded like Mr. Trumble was getting the worst of it.

Cassandra and I hid; I endeavored to open another Clif bar quietly, but without much success. It wouldn’t have mattered, because the ferocious ball of flailing limbs, punches, kicks, elbow strikes, headbuts, and lethal aggression that was Mr. Trumble and crazy lead guy rolled into the room like a mad elephant. Both of them saw us, but continued their epic battle.

Stunning crazy lead guy and actually eating a significant number of calories had given Cassandra a twinkle in her eyes. “We need something stronger than martial arts to take out this guy… we need science!”

There was a telepathic connection between us, and we set off to find the chemistry classroom. Although crazy lead guy had Mr. Trumble in a chokehold, Mr. Trumble seemed close to gouging out crazy lead guy’s eye, so I decided it was a draw for the moment.

We found the classroom Cassandra after a few minutes of my following her through the dark. Beakers labeled with varying high molarities of lead were scattered across the table tops.

Luckily, there were other chemicals.

We taped several yardsticks together to form a long pole and taped a large stick of sodium metal we found to the end of that. Then we filled a large bucket with water. If only we could get it so that crazy lead guy was near the impending explosion. Mr. Trumble and crazy lead guy were continuing their fight, and based on the increasing volume of the principal’s grunts and the screams of crazy lead guy, we could tell they were getting closer. The time to use our bomb was coming, but horribly slowly, almost as slow, in fact, as the line students wait in to enter the library during a busy lunch period.

After a long wait, they appeared. It was clear that their battle was nearly over; both of their eyes were black, and blood ran from the swollen lips. Crazy lead CONTINUED ON PAGE 7

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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“ADVENTURE IN K” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 6

guy’s cheeks were red and bruised, but due to their natural coloration, a more detailed look at Mr. Trumble’s would have been necessary to tell if his were the same (see “Trumble Rouge”).

But it was also clear that Mr. Trumble was the loser. Crazy lead guy held Mr. Trumble by the shirt collar in one hand, the other reared back for a punch. I started forward; both of them weren’t close enough to the bomb.

Then something hit crazy lead guy’s head. Hard; so fast it was difficult to see what it was. I looked closer. The true power in the district had arrived! It was Superintendent Dr. Luvelle Brown, wielding a giant six-foot plank with the words “Board of Education” scratched on it like an enormous battleaxe.

“I don’t even need this!” shouted the superintendent, tossing the Board of Education aside. He demolished what was left of crazy lead guy with a couple of blows. Dr. Brown’s experience from funding ICSD two years ago with cage matches made his punches devastatingly fast and powerful.

Our bomb unneeded, Cassandra and I felt useless. But Dr. Brown knew just what to ask. “Every year we lose a bunch of kids up here. Who knows what the total cost on IHS’s student body has been since upper-K was created? Do you two know how to destroy this place?”

Cassandra saw a large cannister of ammonium nitrate sitting on a shelf.

“Yes.” Her thin lips curled into a smile. “I just don’t know how big the blast will be.”

“I think I can use my graphing calculator to get us out of here,” I volunteered. Cassandra, Dr. Brown, and Mr. Trumble exchanged a “this person is crazy but we have to trust him” look and nodded. I tapped away at the calculator’s keyboard as tears ran down my cheeks. I thought of my destroyed Chromebook. Cassandra made the bomb, placing a beaker of water inside the ammonium nitrate cannister. Putting sodium in that water would initiate the whole explosion. Dr. Brown started showing off his biceps while posing with the Board of Education, taking selfies.

“We can delay the blast by wrapping the sodium in paper that the water has to seep through before the initial reaction can begin,” said Cassandra. I tripled-checked the code I had written on my graphing calculator.

“Ready.” Cassandra dumped the paper-wrapped mass of sodium into the water bucket. I ran the program on the calculator—and nothing happened. Everyone frowned at me, their eyes shooting the message ‘you are going to get us killed’ into mine. Smoke rose from the bucket of sodium and the water began to boil. Bubbles rose to the surface faster and faster. Then a blinding flash of light accompanied a loud bang, ringing in my ears.

The four of us were sprawled in the middle of K-hallway.

Lower K—light was streaming in a few far off windows. Slowly, I picked myself up. My graphing calculator’s screen was rapidly changing from off to on to static. Greenish blue steam rose from the keyboard. A minute passed, and soon the steam was gone. The calculator seemed normal, and indeed, it functioned all right. Smoke oozed from the ceiling.

To any future freshman told to find a class in upper-K: It doesn’t exist. Really. We mean it this time.

“COPY EDITOR NO MORE” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 4

system of being printed at BOCES; instead, issues will be manufactured and mass-produced by Code Red Robotics. In addition, we will be rolling out a series of signature laptops, which we are calling Tattlerbooks, to be distributed alongside each issue of our conventional newspaper. Subscriber applications for the brand-new Tattler will be available on the website, www. ihstattler.com, beginning on April 1. A free action figure of our superintendent Luvelle Brown, who made these sweeping modernizations possible, will be included with each advance order.

Although I am confident about the new direction the Tattler is taking, my mood—conditional or otherwise—has been shifting as the position of Copy Editor fades into the mists of backwards society. As a subordinate to the main clause around these parts, boss-in-boss John Yoon ’16, I appealed to him for a memento ensuring that Copy does not bow out as merely a oneword modifier.

Therefore, in memory of the Copy Editor position, I present to you this new section dedicated to informing and enlightening the public of its past progressiveness. All of the articles featured here have been preserved in their original form, untouched by any of the wicked magics and addictive ink our auxiliary editors have resorted to in the past. With the Copy Section entering the canon of the Tattler, I can finally rest unburdened by the complications of the past perfect, knowing readers will understand the plight that unfolds every month behind the nucleus of each article’s structures and phrases.

FOOLS

PAGE 8

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

. e d i u G A . y g How to be Ed “This black leather jacket would look great on me. Unfriended was such a good movie! Why don’t my parents/friends/ therapists understand me?” If you’ve had any of these provocative thoughts within the past few months, you’re probably just like me: a hardened, hardcore adolescent with emotional issues and a desire to watch Kill la Kill. In short, you are edgy.

Sadly, the fact of the matter is that no one will, or can, truly appreciate us. Knowing that only I can free you from the sealed chamber that confines your anguished soul, I will help you cope with the wounds that will not heal.

First, realize that you are the only being worth caring about. The students that sit beside you in your classrooms are nothing but empty shells. It doesn’t matter what they think of your new style and attitude. Soon enough, those who are uncool will stop talking to you, leading their ignorant lives to pointless goals. So what if your teachers hate you for your outbursts and failing grades? In the end, that’s not what really matters. Even Einstein failed school. Pave your own path, disregard the chains of society, and hold

the world in contempt. Form mutually empty relationships only to shatter them, then bemoan your undying loneliness. Only then will you achieve the edgy mindset.

Next, establish an extensive vocabulary. Nothing says edgy more than bleak, self-centered soliloquies that drip angst.

If someone asks you why you’ve been so moody lately, don’t try to explain it or anything. Instead, give deep insights such as “in the end, life is empty” and “how could you possibly understand my pain?” But exercise some caution. After all, you don’t want to sound intelligent; what are you, a nerd? Purposely only use abbreviations, emoticons, and misspelled words to get your point across, even in the most inappropriate situations. When adults begin to complain about your behavior, get into impassioned arguments about “personal space” and “no respect”. Oh yeah, and remember, this is not a phase. It’s who you are.

If you’re gonna act edgy, you might as well take on a few hobbies, and what better way is there to display your true feelings than some music? Nine Inch Nails and

IMAGE PROVIDED

You can be edgy too.

By LINKIN PA R

K

My Chemical Romance are great starters for the uninitiated, and from there you may want to expand your horizons with Pierce the Veil. Bonus points for any music video with crying emo girls or indecipherable screaming. Movies are great, too; watch classics such as A Serbian Film and Human Centipede (don’t skimp—all of them) and vividly describe them to your friends. You’ll be so edgy that passing students will be cut. Finally, use the internet. The literal breeding grounds of devilspawn and social justice warriors, this will be your new home. Embrace it, and feel its cold presence return the gesture. Read dark, kinky fanfics and write your own. Rain toxicity through rants on events that you don’t actually understand or care about. Browse /r/nosleep and /r/ atheism to find your fellow soulmates.

One day you’ll look back on this image of yours, ponder how your innocent and well-meaning thoughts could transform you into the monster you are now. Then you’ll agree that it’s pretty fucking sweet.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

FOOLS

PAGE 9

Wound-Up: High School Years

By LINKIN PARK Although Park’s Wind-Up series saw great popularity upon the first release in early September, critics were quick to note the overall deterioration in quality of the continuing series. The plot grew thin, the characters forced, and indeed by February it seemed as if the tale would grind to a premature halt. Last week, however, Tattler Tabloid Manager Daniel Xu ’17 found Park’s Chromebook unattended and quickly took to the task of stealing as much info as possible. After sorting through approximately 15 gigabytes of [EXPLICIT CONTENT] fanfiction, he stumbled upon a recently written Wind-Up story meant to revive the series once more. Why Park kept it in such secrecy we can only guess, but with great respect to him we proudly present the full, unedited version of Wound-Up: High School Years.

The school bell rang. Oh shoot, I’m gonna be late to class! thought Newt, hastily dashing into the schoolyard with one shoe only halfway on. Her face flushed at the thought of stumbling into class tardy once again, facing the snickers of the class and the disapproval of the teacher. Caught in her dismal fantasies, she didn’t even notice the figure in front of her until they were face-to-face, their startled eyes locking together.

Wham!

The dust slowly settled, and suddenly Newt found herself sitting on the chest of a strange-looking, dark-haired boy her age, blinking at her in bemusement. For a split second they were frozen, the situation slowly sinking into them. Newt snapped first. “Heywhatdoyouthinkyouredoing!” she yelled in embarrassment, and viciously slugged the boy in the gut.

“W-what?” The boy stammered, clearly confused. “I’m really sorry, I didn’t see you there-” “Just stay away from me!” Newt shouted. “Perv!” And she rushed away as quickly as she could, trying to hide

her blushing face. That was so humiliating, she thought miserably. He was so good-looking, too, but I’ve never seen him before. Well, I probably won’t ever see him again, so I got off lucky…

The boy watched her heading into the school building. “What a weird girl,” he muttered to himself.

The students were whispering with each other when Newt finally pulled open the classroom door. Apologizing profusely, she noticed their excitement as she pretended to submit to the teacher’s scolding. What was going on?

“I’m not getting through to you at all, am I?” sighed Nate-sensei, pulling off his spectacles wearily. “Always so stubborn and unfocused, Newt. Just because you’re one of the top students in this academy doesn’t mean you can slack off like this.”

He shifted his tired gaze to the class. “Alright, everyone, settle down. I’ve got an announcement to make.”

Newt walked to her seat muttering.

“As most people have no doubt heard by now,” began Nate-sensei, “we’re getting a new exchange student today. He’s from a different country, but he speaks our language excellently- don’t let his looks surprise you.”

“Is it a girl or boy?” someone called out.

“Why don’t you find out for yourself?”

The door opened and a neatly-dressed boy walked in, his gait smart and confident. His dark hair, with a single lock of hair pointing straight up, waved gently back and forth. Having reached the front of the class, he turned to stare at the class with piercing eyes.

“Hello.” His voice was calm, echoing over the hushed crowd before him. “My name is Winder. A pleasure to meet you all.” He bowed gracefully. The class exchanged glances, awed by the handsome personality before them. Except one person.

“Hey, you!” shouted Newt, angrily jumping up. “You’re the guy that bumped into me today!”

The new boy’s eyes flashed with recognition, but he merely nodded in acknowledgement. “I do remember that, fair lady,” he replied, smiling in dignified apology. “I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me.”

What the hell? He sounds completely different from before! “Yeah, um… no problem,” she stammered, feeling her face redden again. His charm and good looks threw Newt off, and she hastily slumped into her chair. This isn’t like me.

Why do I feel so shy all of a sudden?

“Well, now that we’ve all said our hellos,” interrupted Nate-sensei, throwing a disapproving look, “let’s get back to work.

Continuing from yesterday’s lesson ...”

As the day passed, Winder impressed the class with his intelligence and mild demeanor, and for some reason his formality made him wildly popular with girls while sparking some one-sided rivalries with the boys. Newt stayed on the periphery of his presence, but was always close enough to covertly scrutinize him. By the end of the day, she had made up her mind; she would follow him home and figure out who he really was.

The school bell rang and Winder soon was walking out of the school, politely shaking off a posse of adoring fans and exiting the grounds. One girl, however, remained near Winder, and they continued to walk together, chattering amicably.

Two minutes later, Newt quietly traced his steps and jogged down the street.

She found them briskly walking down a rather deserted street, looking around as if hoping to be alone. Keeping her head down, Newt slowly closed the distance between her and the two until they were only several yards apart. Winder glanced backwards, and in a panic she dove behind a mailbox and hoped she hadn’t been CONTINUED ON PAGE 10

PAGE 10 “WOUND-UP” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 9

FOOLS

seen. To her relief, she heard the footsteps continuing down the pavement again after a few seconds.

She looked up just in time to catch them slipping into a side alley. Her curiosity increased. What was he doing here? With her? She suddenly felt a surge of jealousy which she only barely pushed down. It’s… it’s not like I like him or anything, she thought hurriedly. Who cares if they decide to be alone in a dark alleyway? After a brief hesitation, however, she dashed into the alley way to confront him, only to gasp and stumble back.

Winder stood facing away from Newt, breathing heavily and a gleaming sword in his hand. A few yards away from him stood the girl. She looked… different. The sleeves of her school uniform were shredded, and long mechanical claws now protruded from where her hands should be. Her face, too, was disfigured, and sharp teeth could be seen protruding from her mouth as she laughed evilly.

“I suspected you would be coming, Agent Winder,” hissed the malevolent figure delightedly. “You won’t catch me by surprise this time.”

“Cyborg Succubus Girl,” scowled Winder, his grip tightening on his weapon. “I thought I finally destroyed you two years ago.”

“Oh, come now,” sighed the girl, “I liked it so much better when you were pretending to be a formal little brat. Now, die.”

And she lunged straight towards him.

Newt blinked, and suddenly Winder was gone, sharp claws grasping at thin air. She looked up, and there he was, almost frozen in midair before falling to earth in a series of slashes.

The monster growled and tried to guard herself, but the blade easily cut through her steel claws. Within a minute, she was on the ground, bloody and heaving. As Winder grimly strode up to her, sword raised, she turned her head and caught Newt’s head peeking around the corner.

“It’s a friend of yours, Winder,” she croaked. Winder looked around and his eyes widened as he saw Newt. “What are you doing h-?” he demanded, but his question was cut off as the succubus leaped up. With blazing speed she leaped straight at Newt and shoved her broken hands into Newt’s body.

Blinding pain erupted across her chest, and Newt fell over screaming. A dark energy seemed to be coursing through her blood. Distantly, she heard a male voice yelling, a sudden flash of light, and the pain disappeared as quickly as it had come.

Winder was standing over her in concern; the other girl was nowhere to be seen. “You okay?” he asked anxiously.

“I think so,” she said weakly, sitting up. “You’re not an exchange student, are you?”

Winder frowned but nodded. “I’m an assassin for an organization that hunts down and kills rogue monsters. The formal personality is my disguise.”

Newt glanced around. “What was that … thing? What did she do to me?”

“She was a vampire, one that I hunted for years. As a last resort, she tried to take over your body,” said Winder. “If you’d been alone, she’d have corrupted you already, made you evil. I managed to put a spell on you just in time; it’ll suppress her influence but still give you several of her powers. But to keep the spell going ...” He paused. “You’ll have to stay with me for the rest of your life.”

“What?!” screamed Newt.

“It might help if we pretend that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend,” remarked Winder blithely.

Newt fainted.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

LUVES

The many faces of Big Luve.

PAGE 11

PAGE 12

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

NEWS

Code Red Robotics Prepares for Competitions IMAGES BY KARINA BURBANK

By KARINA BURBANK

In Cleveland, Ohio, Code Red students watch the madness unfold.

Code Red Robotics, IHS’s robotics team of 56 students, officially finished and bagged its robot on February 23—the date on which all FIRST (For Inspiration and Recognition of Science and Technology) teams in the high school division must complete their robots. After that date, the robots cannot be touched until competition. Code Red competed at two regional competitions: in Cleveland, Ohio, on March 17–19 and in Rochester, NY, on March 24– 26.

This year, the team is preparing for a game known as FIRST Stronghold. Points in the game can be scored in several ways.

Basketball-sized foam balls can be shot through either high or low goals at either end of the field. Between the sides are any

six of eight defenses, which could be anything from a five-pound portcullis to three small teeter-toters side by side to swinging gates. The defenses must be traversed by the robots, which scores the team additional points, before the robots shoot on the goals. At the end of the match, robots must also be able to raise themselves off the ground by attaching to a bar, which is positioned at just over six feet high. All of these details are just a taste of the complexity of this year’s medieval-themed game.

Code Red Robotics’ robot this season, The Predator, weighs just over 107 pounds and was built over the course of six weeks.

The Code Red build season ran for over 30 hours each week in IHS’s technology wing.

The Predator has the ability to shoot into low goals, bridge all eight presentable defenses, drive under a 14-inch bar, pull itself several feet in the air after attaching to a high bar, and help other robots move across the complex playing field. Although the robot will be retired at the end of this season, a whole new monster will be created soon. Code Red accepts any members of any talent group.

During its first competition in Cleveland, Code Red competed against 58 teams. The team didn’t make it to quarter-finals, but the Predator managed to cross all eight defenses and competed very well.

The team left for their second competition on March 24 in high spirits.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

OPINION

PAGE 13

Editorial

Staff 2015 – 2016 Editor-in-Chief

John Yoon ’16 editor@ihstattler.com

News Editor

Pearse Anderson ’16 news@ihstattler.com

Opinion Editor

Liz Rosen ’16 opinion@ihstattler.com

Features Editor

James Park ’17 features@ihstattler.com

Arts Editor

Emma Karnes ’17 arts@ihstattler.com

Sports Editor

Luca Greenspun ’17 sports@ihstattler.com

Back Page Editor

Claire Saloff-Coste ’16 backpage@ihstattler.com

Center Spread Editor

James Yoon ’17

centerspread@ihstattler.com

Copy Editor

Daniel Xu ’17 copy@ihstattler.com

Photography Editor

Bridget Fetsko ’16 photo@ihstattler.com

Layout Editors

Kenzo Uchigasaki ’16 Elen Uchigasaki ’18 layout@ihstattler.com

Business and Advertising Manager

Andrew Stover ’17 business@ihstattler.com

Webmaster

Tristan Engst ’17 web@ihstattler.com

Distribution Manager

Emma Roach ’16

distribution@ihstattler.com

Social Media Manager

Annika Browning ’17 sm@ihstattler.com

Faculty Advisor

Deborah Lynn advisor@ihstattler.com The Tattler is the student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. It was founded in 1892 and is published monthly.

As an open forum, The Tattler invites opinion piece submissions and letters to the editor from all community members.

Drop off submissions in E25, email them to editor@ihstattler.com, or mail letters to: The Tattler 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. Submissions do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff.

Hire More Counselors Junior counselor meetings have started, and despite the counselors’ best efforts, students leave the 11th grade woefully underprepared for the college application process.

A junior can expect to leave a counselor meeting with a completed schedule for their senior year, information about Naviance, advice for securing recommendation letters, and cover the entire college application process. The junior leaves being told nothing about early action, early decision, financial aid, college essays, likely letters, their reach schools, or appropriate safety schools. The list goes on and on.

What is wrong with our current system and how can IHS more effectively prepare juniors to take on the college application process? The two primary shortfalls with the current system are the lack of information and the lack of personal attention.

Firstly, a student ill-informed about the college application process will not know what to do when met with the plethora of circumstances that can arise from their ignorance. What should one do after being rejected? Waitlisted? Deferred or accepted? How and when should one search for colleges to apply to? How late can I stop searching? Which colleges are my “safety” and my “reach” schools? When is the best time to take the SATs and ACTs? Merely learning about the SATs, ACTs, recommendation letters, and Naviance as one does in a counselor meeting is not sufficient preparation for the college application process.

Secondly, a counselor who does not have a personal connection to his or her students cannot properly aid in their college application process. A personal relationship is needed to suggest colleges right for the student and to write recommendation letters rich in detail about the student’s attributes—two crucial parts of college applications. If a counselor does not know what his or her students are passionate about and how much work they can handle, how can they possibly assist the students in a meaningful way? Although brag sheets can provide personal information about the student to the counselors, by the time they are filled out, most decisions regarding the college applications have already been made rendering the information ineffectual. Although it is

the student’s task to search and apply for colleges but the counselors must equip the student with the tools needed to carry out his or her task. Searching for colleges is especially challenging, because it is hard for anyone to assess themselves objectively.

These two issues arise from infrequent counselor meetings; they are too few and far between for the counselor to provide enough information for the student, let alone establish a personal connection.

There is only time to briefly introduce Naviance and blaze through SAT, ACT, and recommendation letter information. This spartan approach to the college application preparatory process can have devastating consequences for the student.

A clear solution is to increase the number of mandatory counselor meetings.

This would give more time for the counselors to provide students with college information and to develop a personal connection. Each student could meet with his or her counselor following every quarter to review performance, discuss what a student’s plans for the future, and prepare the student for the college application process.

Additionally, more seminars should be provided to students, particularly underclassmen, and their families that would explain the college application process.

The current “Getting into School Night” is a fine way to get informed but does even not reach all juniors. To inform more students, more seminars like the current ones should be provided.

This plan, though, would require hiring more counselors. This would be an excellent use of district money. With the current number of counselors, they are unable to focus enough on the personal side of preparing for college applications.

They must be able to devote more of their time to matching students to colleges, and to writing more personalized recommendation letters.

These policies would give students more time to think and plan, as well as more personalized guidance for their college applications. Whether by informational seminars or increased counselor meetings, students need to be more informed about the college application process; it is one of the best investments IHS can make in its students.

PAGE 14

Report from Student Council

By JONATHON HAWTHORNE, Staff Writer; LEO SONG; EDVIN DRIBE; and GUTHRIE KUCKES

The IHS Student Council is a student-run organization that coordinates and unifies the entire IHS student body.

Every two weeks, approximately 60 student representatives meet to discuss relevant issues concerning the IHS community. By having representatives report back to their classes, friends, and community, we as an organization work together to serve the school.

Over the past months, the Student Council and its four subcommittees have worked very hard. The officers have coordinated themselves to work effectively together and to better reach out to students. The community outreach committee, one of the four committees in the Student Council, has worked to get the IHS student body more involved in the Ithacan community by arranging a clothing drive in the spring. Students and staff who want to help with this are welcome to contact the officers or Mr. Mellander.

The Public Outreach committee has recently sent out a survey that received great feedback. From the data we collected, the committee is looking into organizing school spirit days and community service opportunities for those interested; the survey also gave Student Council a better understanding of what we need to do to effectively to improve student life at IHS. Currently, the Public Outreach committee is running a Twitter account, @councilihs, that everyone should follow in order to stay up to date with what’s going on and share ideas with us.

The fundraising committee recently held a bake-sale fundraiser outside of Activities on February 25. Fundraisers are crucial to the success of Student Council because we give out tons of money in fund requests. Fund requests, which are frequently mentioned on the morning announcements, are opportunities to receive money from Student Council to pay for some sort of activity or supplies that will benefit a club or group of students—application forms can be found in the main office. Our money ultimately goes back to the students who apply to get funding for their projects. For example,both IHS Model UN the Science Department received funds from Student Council, allowing them to attend many competitions that they could not otherwise and arrange the “Talks with a Scientist” lectures happening this spring, respectively.

Lastly, the School-Works Committee, our most influential committee, has started and completed many fantastic and extensive projects. For example, the committee worked to add stalls to the boys’ bathrooms to improve privacy, as well as implement traffic tape around and on stairways to improve hallway circulation throughout the day. Recently, plans have been made to attempt to install schedule scanners to decrease the waiting time students have to get into the library.

The hard work done by Student Council is concentrated on the well-being of all students at IHS. The council hopes that it has been doing its job of representing the student body in order to tackle issues and engage everyone in the school environment. Please don’t hesitate to ask questions or address concerns.

NEWS

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Combined Class Suffers at Hands of AP Class

By JOHN YOON

Ms. Lauren Mellander, an English teacher at IHS, has crafted and taught one of the most highly demanded and richly interdisciplinary classes offered at IHS. Next year, she’s teaching a new class geared towards sophomores who have a passion for history and literature: English Honors Humanities 10. Utilizing class projects, Greek Olympic Day, the Palio, Victorian Tea, and historical field trips, the class studies connections between works of literature and their historical contexts in greater depth than the other 10th-grade English classes offered at IHS. Although it’s technically a new course offering, English Honors Humanities 10 is an evolved form of what has been the Combined Global 10 and English class, which had been taught for decades at IHS until it received a fatal blow last school year.

“The choice of making an AP European History class put a nail in the coffin,” said Ms. Mellander, who taught Combined and will teach the humanities class next year. When former principal Jarrett Powers introduced the AP course to the social-studies department for the 2015–16 school year, the English class had to be adjusted to a new curriculum that was different from the traditional Global 10 curriculum.

Due to the onslaught of the AP class, which has turned into a currency of college admissions and school reputation, the innovative, meaningful, and interdisciplinary course of Combined is no longer.

The alignment between the two classes has been dismantled. “The AP class is on World War I now; we’re still finishing The Tale of Two Cities,” Ms. Mellander said. In addition, ancient history is not covered in AP European History at all, which has forced Ms. Mellander to drop Beowulf and Antigone from the English curriculum. She added that the new Global 10 curriculum has also changed such that the traditional Combined class would no longer work.

On top of the problems with curriculum alignment, Ms. Mellander has also seen a shift in the types of students who enroll. Previously, the Combined class was targeted towards students with a genuine interest in the marriage between the humanities and global studies. Now, the AP has pulled a different group of interested students who are taking the AP side for credit but may not necessarily want what is offered in the English component. The AP exam has also created pressure for the Global component, diverting focus away from the English side, especially at the end of the year when several major projects are due.

Ms. Mellander and Mr. Peter Kelly, the AP European History teacher, don’t have a common period to prepare together, which complicates things even more.

Ms. Mellander’s new class aims to bring back some of the lost elements of the Combined class and continue the core projects. Overall, the new course will be similar to what English was like for a Combined student, Ms. Mellander said.

Although the class will not be as well-aligned with the social studies curriculum, students interested in studying literature from a historical context will be able to take her class while taking AP European History, since the two are now separate classes. Another positive change will be more focus on primary sources, which the new Common Core English standards call for.

“I’m sad that the Combined course is done,” Ms. Mellander said. “But the humanities pairing is what lots of students want access to and I’m very excited about the potential for this new course. We lost Antigone and Beowulf, but it also opens the door to newer texts. It’s always fun to do something new.”

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

NEWS

PAGE 15

IMAGE PROVIDED

Global stocks tumbled in 2015 after a survey showed Chinese factories contracted at their fastest pace since the depth of the global financial crisis in 2009.

What’s Going on With China?

Chinese stock markets took a plunge early this year, falling by 11.6 percent in one week alone. The market has since stabilized, but the event brought the world’s attention to China’s economic troubles. Declining growth and export rates are to be expected as the world’s second-largest economy makes the transition from manufacturing to providing consumer services, but the first few months of the year have shown that the consequences and reactions are greater than anticipated.

Production in China rose by only 5.4 percent in January and February, which has not occurred since the global recession of 2008. Chinese exports decreased by 25.4 percent in February, while retail sales in China were also lower than expected. The slowing of production and economic growth is not unexpected; there is only so much demand for the goods China is producing. Overproduction of some goods, such as steel, is actually hurting the Chinese economy.

By JULIA MILLER

However, the instability and uncertainty of China’s economic position has many analysts and investors worried.

The majority of economists seem to agree that China is simply going through a rough transition period, but there are also articles comparing modern-day China to America in the late 1920s. It seems unlikely that China’s situation is quite that dire, but such predictions can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies.

China’s stock market is dominated by investors with little financial experience who are likely to panic and sell their stock if a downturn is predicted.

This could lead to another market crash as everyone suddenly tries to get rid of their stock and prices decline rapidly.

In addition to China’s volatile stock market, the nation’s amount of debt has economists particularly concerned.

Its debt is currently worth the value of about two and a half years of economic output and is continuing to rise. Corporate debt is particularly problematic,

since the recent economic decline has meant that many businesses are finding it harder to pay off their loans. In an effort to alleviate some of this debt, China has cautiously begun selling its bad debt to foreign investors. Banks have also begun easing loans on faltering companies in an attempt to stabilize the economy.

China is currently dealing with the unpleasant results of rapid industrialization and economic expansion. If its economy continues to be at least moderately well-managed and unnecessary panic is avoided, it seems likely that China will emerge in a couple of years from its confusion and instability with a more self-sufficient and steady economy. This will probably mean that China will cease to be a provider of cheap materials and labor, but the growing middle class will have greater demand for American goods as well. And as Americans, isn’t that all we really care about?

PAGE 16

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

OPINION

Apple vs. the FBI IMAGE PROVIDED

By TRISTAN ENGST and JACOB SILCOFF, Staff Writer

Government and private industry are facing off over security.

Technology law shouldn’t be decided by ignorant, old men who need their grandchildren to help them set up their iPhones.

Following the San Bernardino shootings last December, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) requested that Apple unlock the iPhone of one of the shooters. Apple refused, citing its commitment to its customers’ privacy. The FBI appealed to court, which sided with the FBI, ordering Apple to unlock the iPhone. Apple refused again and appealed the court order. A hearing is scheduled for March 22.

Meanwhile, debate has raged: who’s right?

Apple or the FBI? Notably, many Republican presidential candidates sided with the FBI. Marco Rubio claimed that “Apple doesn’t want to do it because they think it hurts their brand. Well, let me tell you, their brand is not superior to the national security of the United States of America.” Others side with Apple, noting that people need privacy and that compelling Apple to unlock the iPhone could create a dangerous precedent.

There isn’t anything wrong with this debate. However, there are a lot more arguments in favor of Apple that have been ignored or glossed over.

We should be asking ourselves what we want security from. There is nothing wrong with wanting security from hostile people with assault rifles, but as Sun Tzu noted in the widely-used and acclaimed The Art of War, it is difficult to secure oneself against multiple

types of threats; strengthening against one weakens against another. Many have noted that increasing the government’s ability to access citizens’ private data—especially in the form of “backdoors” written into the code of every device—would make devices inherently less secure. What the FBI is requesting is in many ways a backdoor. Imagine the police mandating the keeping of a door to your house unlocked so they can use it; burglars might use it, too. While such weakened encryption would certainly irk privacy activists and possibly allow the the FBI to prevent future shootings, it would open Americans up to even more malevolent hacking than is already going on.

It is no secret that many American computers are already woefully insecure. A report authored by the security firm McAfee and the Center for Strategic and International Studies concluded that cyber-espionage costs the American economy roughly $100 billion per year, roughly 0.5 percent of the GDP. Another report by another security company, Mandiant, implicated China in hacking America’s defence industry, energy companies, blueprints for American infrastructure, and the email systems of American officials and journalists. It also traced many attacks to the area around a People’s Liberation Army building in Shanghai. China shamelessly denies the accusations, even after building a fighter jet strikingly similar to America’s new F-35 after being accused of hacking Lockheed Mar-

tin, the F-35’s manufacturer. If this all seems rather distant and unimportant, consider that many of IHS’s most computer-savvy students have nearly definite proof that it is not terribly difficult to access any supposedly secure password and username typed into computers in the tech labs months earlier, without authorization.

While companies are starting to make progress and become more secure, more needs to be done. It is because we can make computers fairly secure that we can use them for so much good. Apple allows iPhone users to put a passcode on their iPhones for this very reason; otherwise, using them for anything that mattered would to be too risky, and few customers would be able to take advantage of the immense benefits of being able to read email or take calls on the fly.

One of the things that makes newer iPhones secure is that Apple isn’t able to unlock them without the same password that users use; they don’t know the password. To fully understand why this is, you need to get to the root of how encryption works. Think back to the last time you forgot your password online. If the website you were using was at all reputable, you almost certainly weren’t sent back your old password. Rather, you would be asked to make a new one. This is because websites never get to know what your password is. When you type in a password online, the website creates what’s called a “hash” before storing or checking it. This is a complex mathematical process, using large prime numbers, that turns text into a scrambled alphanumeric code. A good hashing algorithm is set up so that every input has a unique output, and a small variation in input leads to a tremendous change in output. Knowing a hash can’t enable you to know a password, so even if a hacker broke into a company’s database, the password information would be useless. Of course, the process is a bit more complicated than that (for instance, most websites will add in stuff before sending the password through the algorithm—this is called “salting” the hash), but the basic idea is the same. As a result of similar encryption on the iPhone, the only way to unlock the device would be to install a backdoor on it, which Apple’s CEO, Tim Cook, noted would have staggering repercussions: CONTINUED ON PAGE 17

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com “APPLE VS. FBI” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 16

In today’s digital world, the “key” to an encrypted system is a piece of information that unlocks the data, and it is only as secure as the protections around it. Once the information is known, or a way to bypass the code is revealed, the encryption can be defeated by anyone with that knowledge.

The government suggests this tool could only be used once, on one phone. But that’s simply not true. Once created, the technique could be used over and over again, on any number of devices. In the physical world, it would be the equivalent of a master key, capable of opening hundreds of millions of locks—from restaurants and banks to stores and homes.

It would also take Apple weeks to write such a backdoor. And once this piece of software is out there, there’s nothing that can be done to ensure it stays in the right hands. If the stupid picture of you in a dress is stuck on instagram forever (this is 100 percent a hypothetical example), you can imagine it would be difficult for Apple or the government to protect one of the most valuable security hacks in the history of computers. Today, people use their iPhones to store secret proprietary information for their businesses, as well as for using a credit card via Apple Pay. Access to credit cards and other valuable data

OPINION from the over 40 million iPhone users in the U.S. alone would make the software priceless, and when information this valuable and publicized makes its way out there, it will be a free-for-all of hackers trying to get a slice of Apple’s data.

Whether or not you trust the American government to not abuse such a power to oppress people, there are certainly people and entities that would abuse it and steal corporate secrets and people’s identities. It is likely that the ability to unlock iPhones would remain secure, but there is a possibility of it getting out. iPhones are secure as they are, which is why they are typically not infected by malware. Changing that would reverse much of the progress that is being made to undo America’s cyber-insecurity.

Thus, we are back to the question Sun Tzu makes us think of: security from what? How do we weigh increasing the FBI’s ability to stop criminals against our civil liberties and our economy? We should weigh the importance of each type of security: In America since 9/11, statistics show that toddlers are better at killing Americans than Islamic terrorists (though not all terrorists combined).

We ought to worry more about our economy and civil liberties than unlocking the iPhones of terrorists.

Worse, the legal defense used by the FBI is so antiquated that it is utterly ridiculous.

Their main legal standing comes from the All

PAGE 17 Writs Act of 1789. As in, the 1789 from over 227 years ago. This is not to dismiss the law simply for being old; Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War thousands of years ago and the book is still recommended reading in sections of the US military, notably the CIA. The problem is that in that time period, legal scholars weren’t even able to begin to comprehend to the depths, complexities, and nuances of modern smartphones, just as the writers of the Second Amendment probably didn’t foresee anything more than slow-to-reload muskets; certainly not AK-47s. Imagine seeking relationship advice from a 7-year old (“You two want to kiss?

Ewww gross!”) and then standing by it over many better-informed objections.

Additionally, the civil liberties versus security debate is often limited in scope to America. It shouldn’t be; in fact it is far more relevant to other countries. Millions of people use iPhones in places that are roughly as secure as America and far more repressive, where civil liberties are far more important because they are so undervalued by the government.

Russia and China (to name the most prominent culprits) do not need greater power to arrest dissidents and human-rights activists.

It would be a great offense for the FBI to help repress civil liberties in more authoritarian countries.

Lastly, in the San Bernardino case, police experts believe that the iPhone in question probably has nothing of value on it.

Anxiety among Adolescents It’s time to state the obvious: students are under pressure. The American Psychological Association’s studies have shown that the anxiety levels of students in the 1980s are higher than those of a child patient in a mental asylum in the 50s. As the years have gone by, students’ anxiety levels have increased.

Thus, more children and college students now are depressed than ever before. Children and young adults are shadowed by constant bedlam.

People wonder why this problem is occurring, but the answer is simple. Many students just feel “done” with everything. As one IHS student said, “Well, I wake up, go to school, get back home, go to practice, get back home, do homework until 3:00, and sleep… That’s basically all I’ve been doing for the past two years.”

There is no variation, no excitement anymore in school life for most students anymore.

Many people, myself included, feel that they rarely meet outside or exercise, either because

By EMILY HONG, Staff Writer

there’s no time or because it’s just not currently something that is done regularly. Students are confined in their rooms, studying and living a schedule of going from home to school and vice versa.

What anxiety feels like is a million-dollar question that even psychologists have trouble explaining. Confusion and fear are two building factors of it, but no one knows for sure how it’s spiked in the human body. Many doctors believe that stress is also a major factor in anxiety, since kids and young adults who were overworked showed signs of stress, which led to anxiety. This raises the question of whether students are given too heavy of a workload at a young age when they’re supposed to get out in the fields and get physical exercise. School and schoolwork are definitely factors for stress, and all that children need is a break.

Students often have to stay in one enclosed room, usually just facing the wall and completing assignments. With less movement in the

body, one’s heart rate would also slow down, which brings a “downing” notion, allowing for more negative thoughts and worry.

Students, especially those in college, suffer from anxiety. Up to 50 percent of college students from 2012–13 have attended counseling for their mental health, according to the Center for Collegiate Mental Health; 33 percent of those people took medication.

Severe anxiety exists among the people we walk with or just pass by in IHS and other schools. It’s overlooked and seen as something one just has to deal with, but this is a world problem. The continuation of students with anxiety in such large numbers will result in more depression, which in turn will continue to negatively impact society on a large scale. It is important that such a huge problem is not overlooked.

By JAMES YOON

Floating in Stars Aeronautics

NASA’s Environmentally Responsible Aviation project made great steps in developing technologies to reduce the environmental footprint created by aircraft drag, the weight of advanced composite materials, and fuel-guzzling engines and airframe designs. Projections show that the implementation of these technologies in six years could save $250 billion in fuel by the year 2050.

Journey to Mars

recent space achievements

The Mars Renaissance Orbiter, which was launched in August 2005, gave strong evidence of flowing water on the surface of Mars. Also, NASA’s Mars Atmosphere and Volatile Evolution mission found evidence that could show the effects Mars’ surroundings had on the planet’s potential to support life. Scientists received additional clues for the possibility of life on Mars from Curiosity, which, while on its trek on Martian terrain, found nitrogen.

NASA has passed many tests regarding the Orion spacecraft and the Space Launch System (SLS), technologies that NASA hopes will bring Earth’s ambition for sending humans into deep space to reality. This, along with the detailed outline for the journey to Mars called “NASA’s Journey to Mars: Pioneering Next Steps in Space Exploration,” is getting humans closer than ever to Mars.

Education

NASA, along with other federal agencies, industry partners, and academia, has been providing students and teachers throughout the United States compelling opportunities in STEM education. In addition to funding research at minority serving institutions, NASA’s Space Grant program has also supported STEM programs in schools in every state.

In July 2015, the NASA Kepler mission declared that they discovered Kepler452b, an “older, bigger cousin to Earth,” as Jon Jenkins, a Kepler analyst, said. This is yet another huge milestone in scientists’ journey in finding another Earth.

Expanding horizons

After launching in 2006 and swinging by Jupiter in 2007 for a gravity boost, the New Horizons spacecraft did a historic six-month flyby and study of Pluto in 2015. It captured and sampled photographs of unprecedented detail and terrestrial data that scientists will be able to research for years to come. Being an ice dwarf that skids across the Kuiper Belt, Pluto might answer many questions about our solar system and the formation of planets. Scientists hope that New Horizons will shed light on the composition of carbon-bearing molecules that Pluto and the Kuiper Belt are known to contain. As many put it, the status of New Horizon’s journey allows for a renaissance of the traditional solar system, fueling the thirst for exploration.

ambitions

In December 2015, SpaceX brought people around the world to cries of joy, tears, and fists in the air when the Falcon 9 rocket successfully landed Landing Site 1 after a test flight. A truly mind-boggling sight, the landing was not only etched in history books but also in the minds of millions of inspired people.

Privatized space travel

After NASA’s retirement from space shuttles, a new era of private spaceflight has begun and corporations and industry giants are vying to send people into space. SpaceX, Orbital Sciences, Blue Origin, and a few other private companies are developing rockets, capsules, and cargoes to pave new ground in space research. Aviation titans like Lockheed Martin and Boeing have also jumped onto this chase.

ICSD is not the only one getting budget cuts

Congress passed a favorable budget for NASA in 2016. With close to $19.3 billion as opposed to the requested $18.5 billion, NASA has a better chance of pulling off the goals it set in 2015—and perhaps even more.

However, the near future seems dim. The Obama Administration announced a cut to NASA’s Fiscal Year 2017 Budget, chiseling away significant funding for deep exploration. This means huge losses overall. The SLS budget alone will be reduced by close to $700 million—a 35 percent loss.

But this issue is not just about the groundbreaking research; it is also about the future of STEM fields as a whole. The cuts to NASA’s budget are also cuts to the inspiring educational programs NASA pursues. Bonnie Powell ’14, an IHS graduate and intern alumnus at the Goddard Space Flight Center, has a say on this: I have heard that in the last couple of years they have received less funding and have had to scale down their internship program. So the cuts may already be happening. I think that budget cuts for NASA are going to be extremely devastating for kids and students because outreach programs are going to be one of the first things NASA will cut.

Lots of students are going to miss out on opportunities like mine that helped guide my career, helped me choose my major, and just downright inspired me.

Space research puts millions of earthlings on the edges of their seats as they watch in awe the unfolding of the ever-expanding boundaries of science. In this time of excitement and innovation, space research deserves nothing but more.

Scott Kelly’s return

After 340 Earth days and over 400 experiments, Commander Scott Kelly, a NASA astronaut and One Year Crew member, planted his feet back on Earth in early March. On the International Space Station, Kelly conducted studies on the effects of long-duration spaceflight on the mind and body. The most publicized of these studies is the Twins Study, which also involves Kelly’s twin brother, Mark. The studies as a whole are crucial to our understanding of the interaction between the environment and epigenetics.

Not only would results from the studies improve potential astronauts’ overall health, they would also have implications for life on Earth. The studies would help determine whether certain traits or illnesses are influenced more heavily by genetics or by the environment and find solutions to many medical problems.

The Impact

By using the unique vantage point of space and state-of-the-art technologies, space research can uncover and provide solutions for many of the environmental challenges Earth faces. For example, in 2015, NASA tightened its investigation of algal blooms to help decontaminate the drinking water in Toledo, Ohio. Also, the Stratospheric Aerosol and Gas Experiment (SAGE III) is scheduled to launch to the International Space Station aboard a SpaceX spacecraft. This will give humans a new method to monitor Earth’s ozone layer and collect data for its ongoing recovery.

OPINION

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Rape Culture in Fraternities: a Particularly Nasty Outbreak of a Much Larger Societal Epidemic IMAGE PROVIDED

Ever heard a news reporter or causal commenter ask what a victim was wearing or drinking while discussing an allegation of sexual assault? Ever heard rape jokes being thrown around in the locker room, in hallways, in the middle of classes? Chances are, most people have. This normalization of female objectification and sexual violence that is so prevalent in our society—the phenomenon commonly known as rape culture—can be seen in virtually all aspects of life. It is a problem so deeply imbedded and far-reaching that it cannot reasonably be attributed to a single factor. That being said, these toxic ideas are undeniably more present, accepted, and actively promoted within some facets of society than others. One of the most glaring examples is collegiate Greek life.

The manifestations of sexism that one sees so frequently within fraternities are often violent, ceaseless, and terrifyingly calculated. Reports of frat members harassing women publically—at sporting events, outside of women’s centers, even in the midst of protests and events organized to show solidarity for survivors of sexual assault—are rampant. Several studies con-

By ABBY KATZ

cur that members of frats are at least three times more likely to commit sexual assault than other men on college campuses.

This is by no means coincidental. In fact, much of the sexual violence within frats is disturbingly intentional, and encouraged with a cultlike fervor. Several years ago, an instructional guide issued by a Georgia Tech frat brother entitled “Luring your Rapebait” was circulated to other members before eventually being exposed. This is not an isolated incident. Reports and personal accounts have shown that new members of certain frats in many universities— Cornell included—are routinely taught something known as the “2,1” system.

These guidelines advise men to invite a girl to two parties in which they behave well, don’t try to hit on her, and ensure that she doesn’t drink too much. At the third party (the “1”), once they’ve built trust, the system encourages them to get their victim as drunk as possible, and do whatever they’d like.

This kind of disgusting behavior and the attitudes and sense of entitlement behind it is undeniably a major issue in its own right. The actions so often associated with

fraternities are nothing short of horrifying and should be treated as such. However, it is important to remember that these realities are emblematic of a much greater problem: the fact that our society at large either ignores or openly condones them.

Think about how frequently rape allegations against prominent frat members are dismissed, or seen as a shame on the off-chance that such an allegation might ruin said rapist’s life. Think about how many times the phrase “boys will be boys” has been thrown around as a trump card against these young men’s harassment and violation of their female peers. While frat culture at large promotes misogyny and rape culture in just about every way imaginable, when the world around them belittles and ignores these unavoidable realities, they promote it too.

When it comes to the rights, safety, and autonomy of others, “boys will be boys” is never an acceptable answer. Frat boys will be held accountable for their actions, and we must be the ones to hold them accountable.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

OPINION

PAGE 21

BRIDGET FETSKO

Colleges (Not) Standing out in a Crowd Dear institutes of higher learning,

I have officially stopped reading your mail in full, unless you make it better. No longer will your glossy brochures seduce me with their siren praise. I mean it this time. Really—not like last time, or the time before that, when I said the same thing. I admit it: after I took the PSAT, your letters did make my ego purr and they did make me feel good about myself. But not anymore. There are simply too many reasons to give up on your letters.

For one thing, it’s incredibly difficult to differentiate between your entreaties. Is there some magical combination of a picture of your campus’s architecture, a student wearing a lab coat and looking through a microscope, and a racially diverse group of your students hanging out on your campus? You all send me these pictures in your brochures. What you say is also usually the same: it’s some permutation of praising my academic achievements, a catchy slogan, a note about what interesting place you’re located near, and something about your classes, professors, and financial aid.

Some of you are aware of this issue.

“You’ve begun your college search, and you are being inundated with more glossy bro-

By TRISTAN ENGST

chures, emails, and social-media streams than you ever imagined,” wrote Emory University. Emory University, I was actually ecstatic that you recognized this commonality, but disappointed with how you told me to deal with it: “And while all of the fancy brochures and emails are alluring, be sure to come and see us for yourself!”

It’s not as though you came off as particularly special. Apparently, you are a prestigious university with stellar programs, award-winning faculty, and opportunities for freshmen. This makes you sound very similar to Dartmouth, which reports letting undergraduates publish alongside faculty, has one of the best commitments to undergraduate education, and offers a top-notch education. Dartmouth may be the closest match, but many colleges push these same attributes. Telling me that you have these attributes doesn’t make you special, just a college in a crowd (this goes for most other colleges out there). When there are many colleges that are apparently the same, why visit or attend any one of them?

Additionally, it’s unclear if you care about me at all. One of the dominant—and fairly reputable—opinions about college mail is that it’s designed to make more people apply, and as a result, get more people

rejected. This decrease in the proportion of applicants that a college accepts makes it seem more prestigious. It also makes me completely unsure if you actually care about me. It’s difficult to get excited about a letter that could be just a scam. One way around this would be to tell me how many people you mailed a letter to, and why. For instance, if I knew that only the students with the top 50,000 SAT scores received your letter, I might have more reason to meaningfully consider your school.

Undoubtedly, I will break my promise.

But please don’t take that to mean that you’re doing a good job. It could be a lot better. Tell me why you’re different from other options. If you can, tell me why you’re a better choice. That would make deciding which colleges I want to consider much easier. I’m only a junior, with nearly a year before I apply to colleges. However, college visits do take time, and I’m not terribly interested in missing school for them. There really isn’t a great deal of time for me to decide which colleges to visit.

Sincerely yours, Tristan Engst

OPINION

PAGE 22

Bilingualism Must Be Requirement in American Education

By JOSEPH YOON

America is diverse; one in five of U.S. residents do not speak English at home. The U.S. has no national official language, either. But why does this country not bother to encourage deeper cultural relationships people around the world? Many students taking foreign language classes in IHS drop out in Junior or Senior years, and is harming their education and potentially the society. While patriotism is important in such a vast, multicultural nation as the U.S., learning a new language is just as crucial a requirement for maintaining societal connections and intellectual progress of the next generation in the country as well as throughout the world.

Because only one credit of learning a world language is required for graduation, students are replacing these experiences for more “important,” “core” classes. Foreign languages are not a top priority for most students.

This is a rising problem in students of IHS and other schools alike, where there is a lack of perseverance and devotion of students to their intellectual life. This is shown in how most stop taking the foreign language classes, because they are not required to do so. The ability and intent to speak multiple languages shows the capability of communication and the curiosity of different cultures, which progresses the students throughout today’s society.

Earth was once inhabited by different societies scattered throughout, and communication was highly limited between these societies. For the common civilian in these societies, there was no need to learn another language, because of the lack of interactions between civilizations. Now that we are living in a world with access to communications, however, the knowledge of different languages can create new relations and connections between individuals and countries as a whole. The knowledge of anoth-

er language can also give a new perspective, about the culture of different countries and can also open up to a completely new way of thinking. As a bilingual myself, I have experienced many situations where I can understand two cultures and compare them through language. For example, I could see the difference in the expression of music and poetry, by observing the usage of literary devices, such as metaphors, similes, and idioms.

With the application of language, people can have a wider knowledge of different customs and cultures.

Not only will this change affect an advancement in our society, learning a new language can also affect the individual’s mind and intelligence.

From various studies by psychologists and researchers in the International School for Advanced Studies in Italy, it has been proven that speaking multiple languages causes the strengthening of the cognitive status of the brain. These studies showed that between groups of bilinguals and monolinguals, the bilinguals displayed a greater ability to solve problems and perform tasks. The connections a bilingual makes between the differences in grammar and culture are extensive, and this trains the mind to monitor environments and find solutions more effectively.

In a society that is a melting pot of cultures spread and mixed by ethnic groups, immigrants, and people with often conflicting worldviews, members of society must learn to understand the ideas and values of other people. Knowing how to speak a second language is a allows people to look beyond their own conceptions of the world. For the immigrants and for our society, and beginning with this country, we are obligated to start making these changes to connect and socialize as human beings while improving the intellectual aspects of all people.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Do College Rankings Matter?

By JULIA MILLER

Anyone who’s gone through the process of applying to college has inevitably spent some time looking through lists of “best” colleges. We’re aware that these lists are far from objective; that they can’t possibly condense everything a college has to offer into a series of numbers; but their simplicity and air of authority are alluring. These lists are pervasive; we all judge schools to some extent by how they are ranked on U.S. News and World Report. Harvard and Stanford are, in the back of our minds, synonymous with greatness and success. And they are extraordinarily good schools, but the fact that a college is prestigious or highly ranked does not necessarily mean that it is the best place for any particular individual.

The University of California at Berkeley, for example, was at the top of my list at the beginning of last year. It had great environmental science and linguistics programs—my two main interests—placed a heavy emphasis on research, and was generally very highly ranked. After visiting the school, however, I decided not to apply there.

Having grown up in a village of 1200 people, the city of Berkeley seemed both large and unusually sketchy. The campus, which was very open and connected to the city, did not strike me as an especially safe or comfortable environment. The university looked perfect on paper, but it turned out not to be an ideal place for me.

Rankings are certainly a good place to start, because they give the reader a sense of how well a school fulfills certain criteria. And those criteria, such as tuition and retention rate, tend to be rather important. But they are not the only aspects of a college that matter.

This type of thinking appears to have become more common recently, but it might also be a little hypocritical. I can come up with all of these reasons as to why a school’s ranking is not incredibly important, but the schools I ended up applying to are all very highly ranked. They all have very good programs and seem to fulfill all of the criteria that I found important. I can’t help but wonder how much I was influenced by college rankings when I was making the decision whether or not to apply.

I think college rankings are a bit like Wikipedia pages: they can be great sources of information, especially when beginning a search, but they tend not to include every detail, and the author’s motives are not always entirely transparent. And no one wants to admit how often they rely on them.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

FEATURES LUCA GREENSPUN

The Many Faces of Weiqing “Skippy” Zhang

By LUCA GREENSPUN

The district and those who pull the strings behind our bumbling puppet do much to “educate,” “engage,” and “empower.” However, there is little going on around ICSD that is more engaging than Skippy’s Slice on Friday mornings.

During the opening minutes of second period every Fridayday a loveable foreign student with a knack for showmanship reads (his own) poems, sings (his own) songs, or plainly vents over the loudspeaker. Though he may seem playful and silly, wacky, or confused (and at times, yes, “grumpy”), Skippy is a man with a lot to say and a story to tell.

A swan in a sea of festering swine, Skippy is an IHS treasure, a man to be remembered long after he walks the final walk donning red and gold. Below you will find a conversation I had with Skippy on March 10.

Luca Greenspun ’17: Tell me about where you were born, how you got to the U.S. and how you came to be at IHS. Weiqing Zhang ’16: I was born New York City. Okay, so actually my birth was unexpected—so I don’t know, by some accident.

Thank you for the creepy useless condom—there was me, right?

And then my father graduated from Rockefeller University and got a Ph.D. in Biology. But due to racial discrimination he’s paid less than most around him and he could not afford to live in New York City. So when he got a invitation from China so he just went back for work and brought me with him. I was six months old I think.

LG: What about your mother?

WZ: My mother ... she just came back.

LG: And how long did you stay in China before returning?

WZ: 14 years.

LG: Tell me about your first time coming back to the U.S. since your birth.

WZ: Well okay. So, my father’s student get a visiting scholar position in Cornell so that’s why I came to IHS. And when I first came here, I mean, it was just a different surrounding. With different people with different outlook of people who speak different language.

That’s it. [laughter] LG: Did you like it?

WZ: Ahhhhhh. [contemplatively] Sort of a bit afraid in the beginning, but getting better and better. And I do see good and bad things CONTINUED ON PAGE 24

PAGE 24

FEATURES

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

“WEIQING” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 23

at the same time. So yeah, I do. At least I like the environment here.

LG: Who was your first friend?

WZ: [repeats question to himself and pauses] You mean really close friend. Conor Coutts ’15 [he states this indubitably].

LG: Tell me a little about your friendship. How it started, what it was. Who he was to you? What he meant to you?

WZ: He was someone I could talk to and someone I can get out with one phone call. Actually, I was volunteering at a church and he went to the same church. That’s how we met each other. And sophomore year, my guardian moved back to China and I moved to Ithaca College where Conor lived. Then on, we rode on the same bus.

LG: So who did you live with when you first came to America?

WZ: My father’s student.

LG: And who did you live with next? Who were you living with when you met Conor Coutts?

WZ: Two other visiting scholars in Ithaca College who brought me a very creepy life.

LG: Really? Describe how creepy, and why?

WZ: [repeats question incredulously] I’ll just give you three examples. So I mean at that time I sometimes would stay up late until like 11:30 to finish my homework and learn vocab to learn English.

But they go to bed really early. So they just turn off the heat and it would be like 60 or 58 degrees at night. I had to get my jacket and coat; everything on to do my homework. And they hide everything into their rooms. Also, whenever I open the refrigerator, there was nothing except raw food. So they never waited for me for dinner and ate at 5 o’clock and that’s after school so I would always eat the leftovers.

LG: Did you like them? Did you have a relationship with them?

Did they like you?

WZ: No! I didn’t like them!

LG: What year was this?

WZ: 2015. Can you imagine they just like go to a trip for nine days leaving me alone at home and that they were—and I was taking SAT during that period so I ride a bike to school with fever! To take SAT. LG: Where did you get the name skippy?

WZ: Skippy? Because I love to skip subjects. When I came to the U.S. they sent me into an Algebra class and I said “Oh what the hell, I know all of this. Let’s skip!” And then I skipped all the way to Honors Algebra because .. and actually, my counselor is sort of bad because she never recommend me. She never thinking about if that [class] may fit me or not. She just put me into lowest class. And I think: should I take SAT? She said “No,” [dismissively] or something like that so she just guarantee a easy way for me.

LG: Who’s your favorite teacher here?

WZ: [confident, almost immediate response] Frederick Deppe.

LG: Tell me about your relationship with Mr. Deppe.

WZ: So I was not his student until I took Calculus last year, but we knew each other when I was a freshman, when I went to Math Team, which he advises. I got to learn something called the AMC [American Mathematics Competitions] and I mean he ... he just helped me for free. During his lunch period, he’d just stop eating and he just help me go through AMC. And he has very good math skills.

LG: If you could say anything to Mr. Deppe what would it be?

WZ: Just stay happy [laughter] and don’t stay up too late.

LG: I notice you’re wearing a pin that says “I’m entitled to be grumpy.” [he laughs] Grumpy, since you’ve been at IHS, has become one of your trademarks. Tell me a little bit about that. So when I told people I was doing this interview they all said “Ask him about

grumpy!” Because when you hear “grumpy”, you think “Skippy!”

You know what I mean?

WZ: Well actually, grumpy is just a word that sounds cute to me.

English is my second language so sometimes words doesn’t make sense so grumpy is just a cute word. I think it’s cute. And I look, well, very serious when I do everything so sometimes people ask me “Well, you look very grumpy when you do math,” but actually, I just get a bit confused [when doing math]. [much laughter from both parties] LG: So grumpy is one of your favorite words, tell me some of your other favorite things to say in English.

WZ: Don’t worry be happy, of course!

LG: I hear you use the word creepy a lot, what does that mean to you?

WZ: Creepy? That’s just a word that comes into my mind.

LG: You’re now in your senior year. Who do you live with?

WZ: I have another guardian in Varna right now and I live with a student in high school. Phil [otherwise known as Shanyi Yan ’17].

LG: Tell me about your relationship with Phil.

WZ: So actually when I first saw him he acted like [laughter] a punk. [more laughter] Sorry.

LG: Really?

WZ: Yeah, although he doesn’t always push himself to study hard but he always will forgive your mistake and he will apologize when he makes a mistake and find a way to improve himself. And if he get’s grumpy he will not criticize you but find a way to negotiate.

So he’s a very good one to stay with.

LG: It’s beautiful that you have that friendship. So, Skippy’s Slice.

Last year, we had Conor’s Corner, right? People went crazy for that.

So this year we have Skippy’s Slice, which in my opinion is better.

Tell me about Skippy’s Slice; how you got the idea, how you made it happen, and your struggle to fight for more time.

WZ: Yes, Conor Coutts and I have very similar sense of humor so we always made jokes with each other. And Conor started doing Conor’s Corner, it sort of surprised me because I never knew we could say whatever we like through the speakers in the whole school. I used to do announcements and I just read announcements, like a robot. I did that for a year and stopped because, I mean, robot is not human and I don’t want to do that.

But Conor made something come alive there. So when we were talking about this, there was an agreement that I would continue something like Conor’s Corner for this school year. So actually he helped me name Skippy’s Slice and I started to work on it. And the first slice was the first English poem I wrote in America.

LG: Can you recite it now?

WZ: “Homework Party,” everybody knows it man. Okay, it’s: Homework Party

Surrounded by the homework My pen is a mountain of worksheets even answer keys become useless Hundreds of homework bring me down Pen barely breaks, at my side Losing credit, I will cry Whenever work does not bother me I will head out with lethargy What a grumpy, useless, homework party

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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7 Reasons College Mail Isn’t Worth Your Time

By CHLOE WRAY, Staff Writer

1. The college mail starts streaming in soon after taking the PSAT. Simply by filling in a few bubbles and signing your name, you’ve gotten yourself into something much more than you bargained for.

When you gave the College Board permission to distribute your information to schools at the beginning of your PSAT, you really weren’t thinking that there would be any consequences. The decision that indicated your top choices for a future career are now dictating your mail and emails for at least the next two years, even though chances are your selection of brain surgeon or park ranger were completely on a whim.

everyday, you begin to realize that you’re not the only one these schools are pursuing, and you feel a bit played.

Club Feature: Young Liberals of IHS Association

Considering the sheer number of politically active and impassioned students that filter through the halls of IHS every day, the lack of political organizations at the school is astounding. Taking this into account, as well as the fact that Ithaca is notorious for its ardent liberalism, I decided to form the Young Liberals of Ithaca High School Association. I hoped to create a congregation of students encompassing the most moderate of liberals, fervent acolytes of Bernie Sanders, and all those who fall in the intermediary area between the two.

The club emphasizes engaging policy debates, which highlight the multifaceted nature of liberalism, raising funds for Democratic candidates as November approaches, and

2. At a time when you’re constantly questioning whether you can even get into college, it’s great to come home to a stack of envelopes of colleges claiming that they’d be the perfect fit for you; that you are the type of student they are looking for; that they would be honored to have a student as fabulous as you attending their school.

While it’s nice to get a self-esteem boost

By CHARLOTTE PERRI, Staff Writer

3. Once you get past the initial self-esteem boost, you realize that an entire forest must be being killed in your name. Almost every single piece of college mail I get, I recycle, but the waste is still incredibly excessive.

Especially when they send the same letter via email: who do these colleges think they are to generate so much waste? This is the 21st century; we all have an email, and many of us would like the rainforests to stay intact.

4. College mail gives no relevant information. It tells you to check your email for tips and tricks and maybe a survey. Where is the stuff I care about, though? How about tuition, average financial aid, a breakdown of the ethnicities of the student body, or the school’s ranking, just to name a few pertinent facts that may actually influence me if I’m interested in a school?

5. If a school is of interest, I will Google it. I most likely won’t even open the envelope, as the choice of which schools I Google is purely based on the name, font, colors, or picture they use. In the case of colleges, it’s all about the name and location. A letter isn’t necessary; if I’m interested in your school, I’ll find it on one of the hundreds of lists available online.

6. College mail is the equivalent of that obnoxious friend who asks you every day for the homework (as if you’ve done the homework) or in this case, as if you are going to read every “5 tips for standing out to admission officers” that colleges send you.

Please chill, @allcolleges.

7. During junior year, I’d prefer not to be reminded daily that I have no clue what I’m doing with my future or my life after high school. College mail is really great at ignoring this fact, and has no problem piling the pressure on.

discussing the merits of each candidate; guest speakers and events may be feasible in the future as well. Attendees will be familiarized with the rudiments of political discourse, enhance their debate skills, and make tangible contributions to Democratic campaigns. Our age doesn't preclude us from political activity; we should strive to contribute however we are able amidst the contention of the 2016 election.

Listen in for announcements about when and where the club will meet. There will be both food and Seth Meyers clips; don't miss it!

FEATURES

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

IMAGE PROVIDED

Food Review: A Dissertation on Noodles It’s a fact of life that different people have different tastes, and that fact makes itself clear in the literal sense when it comes to the discussion of food. Though you may avoid tomatoes like the plague, maybe I’m the kind of person who puts ketchup on everything I eat—but that isn’t the kind of difference that sticks out to epicures.

Ever been to a restaurant where you can’t stand the way they prepare your favorite dish? A feeling of revulsion always accompanies the startling revelation that not all meals bearing the same name are created equal; but you are the pickiest of connoisseurs who will only taste the very best of everything (how privileged!). So what’s the fastest way to determine the quality of a restaurant relative to other institutions if there is so much variety in the product offered? Well, in China, you can walk into just about any old place on the street and you can bet that they will have hong shao niu rou mien on the menu: braised beef noodle soup. The Chinese definitely love their noodles. Fortunately for me, the signature dish of the spendthrift’s meal also happens to be my favorite food. The obvious line of play, therefore, was to spend one week eating out in China and order the noodle soup from every place I went to.

By DANIEL XU

I learned more about what constitutes a superior noodle soup in that week than I could have ever hoped to doing things in a normal way (and at the same time, I developed something of a contempt for those restaurants that failed to get a passing grade for their noodles—what does that say about the rest of their menu?). Somewhat surprising, establishments thatboasted their specialty in noodles in the name or that served only noodles didn’t always trump regular places that just happened to offer them. Then again, the universality of braised beef noodle soup in particular must encourage all to try their best on that dish, which makes the supposition I began this journey on all the more valid.

Braised beef noodle soup will always contain a fairly consistent amount of parsley and noodles alongside variable amounts of the actual beef, Chinese cabbage, and spices within a heady soy-sauce broth. So what factors stand out the most when evaluating its quality? I would have to say the sweetness of the noodles and its juxtaposition with the flavor of the beef. The noodles should have some amount of sugar, but if it gets to the point where it’s as sweet as udon, the broth gains this sickly flavor that ends up mildly nausea-inducing. Because

the soup is always very hearty and spicy (the spicier the better, really, but that’s definitely more subjective than the following point), how the beef is prepared is also critical. Often, I found that the noodles were not sweetened, but the beef for whatever reason was—a very jarring combination with the other elements that is not delectable at all. In extreme cases I was forced to manually remove all the beef before consuming the noodle soup. I don’t understand why some restaurants do this to their meat and I can’t imagine anyone prefers it that way to a more traditional manner of preparation involving salt and blending more with the broth. I cannot emphasize this more; any restaurant that makes overly sweet braised beef noodle soup is probably exceedingly mediocre.

If I’m sounding saturnine about what I claim to be my favorite dish, that may be because even I get sick of something after eating it every day for a week. But honestly, a soup with a healthy dose of spice, small and chewy chunks of beef, and plenty of noodles with just the right amount of soy sauce is something to be cherished. If someone offered me an iteration that fits that bill, I’d gladly eat it for them.

FEATURES

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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Hall Monitor

By PEARSE ANDERSON

How do you de-stress during AP season?

Jonathan Hawthorne ’16 “Sleep a lot, don’t study for my AP tests, and hope for the best!”

Mason Korf ’17 “[The stressed should] distract themselves from the stress. Put it aside. And play video games. You may end up with a lower grade, but you’ll end up with a lot less stress.”

Ben Salomon ’17 “I don’t really have to worry about APs or huge, scary tests. I don’t think ‘Oh, this will impact my life forever,’ because they won’t. It may impact the near future, but I can always turn things around when I want to. ”

Jason Lee ’16 “I tend to drink more water and make sure that [I] get a good night’s rest.”

Elisheva Glaser ’16 “I run until I get shin splints.

And cry.”

Isabel Rubin ’19 Chocolate!

Chocolate!

Chocolate!

Sankofa McLaurin ’19 I’d probably do a lot of coloring and eating.

Noah Mattice ’18 I think it’s all about comfortable sweatpants. You want to be comfortable.

IHS ANNUAL PHOTO CONTEST

The yearbook invites all students to enter our photo contest. Submit a photo of you and your friends at school or around town, as well as any artistic photography. Submit all photos to ithaca.yearbook@gmail. com by December 23.

Prices are rising to $65 in December, buy your book before prices rise further! ybpay.lifetouch.com school code:12224516

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

ARTS

On My First Ithaca Underground Show JAMES YOON

By JAMES YOON

“This is an encyclopedia containing the Latin names of the ugliest parts of my insides”: Milo.

I followed the lonely sound of a glockenspiel coming from the main showroom of the Sacred Root Kava Bar to find a standing crowd of people with their eyes fixed on Red Sled Choir, who was seated with a microphone and a jumble of instruments. The glockenspiel was soon joined by an elaborate ensemble, creating an intoxicating sound that got the crowd’s bodies swaying and heads bumping. It was pure live-looping mastery.

Red Sled Choir, the bearded Ithacan man in glasses whose real name is Matt Gordon, remained wordless throughout his performance, speaking only for the very brief introductions he made to his songs. He was humble and imaginative, and his music perfectly captured that. His performance had no extravagant sounds or excess of strong emotions but was nuanced, mature, and introspective. With the droning sounds of the Electribe synthesizer, the graceful chords on the keyboard, and the passionate beating of the drums, Red Sled Choir had a demanding presence on the stage. But his performance was youthful as well, in part because he played his instruments in unconventional ways; for example, he didn’t just strum his banjo, but played it with a violin bow to get a tremolo effect. All of this created a unique combination of ambient, folk, and experimental music. But these words fail at capturing Red Sled Choir’s sonic character, as it needs a category of its own.

The next in the lineup was Izzy True, a rock-and-roll musician from Ithaca. Although she usually has a band with her during live shows, Izzy came on stage by herself with her guitar strapped on her shoulder. She delivered a stunning performance. Just like in her recordings, Izzy strummed every string with vigor, decisiveness, and virtuosity. The tone of her voice was bold yet heartfelt, and worked seamlessly with the guitar riffs, proving that she doesn’t need a band

behind her to dominate the stage.

In between songs, Izzy would tell tongue-in-cheek personal anecdotes that were obscure on the surface, but really relatable. She was awkward, funny, and so refreshing in the way she talked. One time, she opened herself to questions from the audience about relationships and responded with the vaguest dating advice, adding a touch of humor. She was hilarious in her own way, which made it that much more enjoyable to stand in the audience.

The mic was handed off to Sammus (Enongo Lumumba-Kasongo), an Ithacan rapper, producer, and Ph.D. student at Cornell University. In recent years, Sammus has released several best-selling albums on Bandcamp such as Prime and Another M, both of which I highly recommend not only because the production is excellent, but also because she brings a unique voice to modern hip hop. Sammus is vocal about political issues and her production is heavily inspired by her love for videogames, as her Metroid-inspired name suggests.

Her performance couldn’t have been more exhilarating. Out of the four artists that performed that night, Sammus was by far the most involved with the audience. She would get into call-and-response sequences with the audience and even walk into the audience in the middle of a song. On stage, she would close her eyes and wave her hands while spitting endless streams of lines and rhymes. The instrumentals shook the room and rattled the bones of those standing in the audience. It was a breathtaking performance.

I was particularly excited about the next and final artist, Milo. I had only discovered Milo a few months ago when he released So the Flies Don’t Come, an album I loved so much that I screamed when I heard that he was going to travel from Milwaukee and come to CONTINUED ON PAGE 29

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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Throwback Hits

By BENJAMIN SALOMON, Staff Writer

When they hear a song from sometime around 2006, people usually say something along the lines of “OMG such a throwback, I haven’t heard this song in like, years.”

Here is a list of true throwbacks that were all made before my birthday: February 18, 1999.

The songs featured in this list can be played for a variety of activities, whether or not they are of the throwback variety— partying, eating ice cream alone, and exercising are all good options.

1. “Superstition”: Stevie Wonder (1972) 2. “Big Poppa” (Explicit): Notorious B.I.G (1996) 3. “Take on Me”: a-ha (1985) 4. “Another Brick in the Wall (Part 2)”: Pink Floyd (1979) 5. “Under the Bridge”: Red Hot Chilli Peppers (1991) 6. “Help”: The Beatles (1987) 7. “Beast of Burden”: Rolling Stones (1978) 8. “Suzie Q”: Creedence Clearwater Revival (1968) 9. “One”: U2 (1991) 10. “C.R.E.A.M”: Wu-Tang Clan (1993) 11. “Danke Shoen”: Wayne Newton (1962) 12. “Africa”:Toto (1982) 13. “Tears in Heaven”: Eric Clapton (1991) 14. “When I Come Around”: Green Day (1994) 15. “Don’t Stop Me Now”: Queen (1979)

“ITHACA UNDERGROUND” CONTINUED FROM PAGE 28

Ithaca to perform. So the Flies Don’t Come is highly regarded by many reviewers and has even made it to Rolling Stone’s “40 Best Rap Albums of 2015” list. So Milo’s a big deal.

I came in with very high expectations for Milo’s performance and I came out overwhelmed. The performance amounted to something more than I could ever ask for in a hip-hop performance. As soon as the instrumental for “rabblerouse,” the first track in So the Flies Don’t Come, started playing, I knew that it was going to be a night I would remember for years. In classic Milo fashion, the lines were nutty, quirky, and focused. His rhymes were hypnotizing and his references cryptic. Mid-line, Milo would fiddle with the knobs on his Roland SP-404, which added wacky effects to his voice like phasing and delay. I remember bending down and laughing because he was so masterful with the instrument.

This was the first Ithaca Underground show I’ve been to and having enjoyed all four of the acts, I know it won’t be the last one.

But it wasn’t just the music that I loved: it was also the communal atmosphere of the show. I remember seeing Milo in the audience as the other artists were performing, scratching his beard, adjusting his thick-rimmed glasses, and bumping his head to the music. At shows like this, the artist becomes one with the audience. It became clear to me that my favorite artists aren’t music-making gods that somehow live in some higher dimension, one which I have no way of perceiving. No; they are just as dorky, nerdy, emotional, and imperfect as I am.

Ithaca Underground is a great way to discover new music, meet new people, and be in touch with the local music scene. If you haven’t been to any Ithaca Underground shows, make sure to buy your tickets soon.

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What Happened at the Oscars?

By YAFET ANDEMARIAM Racism: discrimination based on racial or ethnic origins.

While no one doubts that racism’s presence in the society of America’s past, people today have their own interpretations of what racism is and isn’t. In our current society, racism is more implicit than explicit. Some people believe that racism only counts when directed towards minorities and others say the opposite. Regardless of its definition and the various beliefs people hold about it, racism is present and unfortunately easy to overlook.

The Oscars have been around for decades, celebrating the art of acting, directing, screenwriting, and filmmaking. The 2016 Academy Awards took place on February 28, 2016. People tuned in from all over the world to watch history be made—and not just because Leonardo DiCaprio finally secured his first Oscar.

Since Oscar nominations were announced, critics have had no difficulty citing specific African Americans who deserved recognition, including Idris Elba for his wonderful performance in Beasts of The Nation and Ryan Coogler for his vision in the new Rocky movie Creed. Michael B. Jordan was another frequently mentioned name for his stunning performance as Adonis Creed in the same movie.

Out of all the nominees, no African Americans were actually selected. Many films with African-American themes, such as Straight Outta Compton and Dope, similarly received the snub.

(However, Straight Outta Compton did secure one nomination for one of the white screenplay writers.)

African-American actors no doubt feel acute discrimination due to these results. Some, including Will Smith, his wife Jada Pinkett Smith, and famous African-American director Spike Lee, boycotted the awards ceremony in protest. African-American Chris Rock, however, decided to hold onto his role as Oscars host. As #OscarsSoWhite overtook social media in the weeks leading up to the event, the public anxiously anticipated Rock’s response to the widespread accusations of racism.

Needless to say, Rock totally killed his monologue. His dissection of the #OscarsSoWhite argument with entertaining visuals spearheaded his speech. His racism-themed jokes drew almost relieved laughs from the audience; he helped to dissipate much of the racially-charged tension that was stiffening the event.

What really topped it off for most people was when he referenced Stacey Dash, someone who isn’t very knowledgeable of her race, as the head of the minority outreach program.

Overall, the 88th Academy Awards was bittersweet for the general population. There was so much controversy going into the Oscars, but Chris Rock and his risky humor made it somewhat enjoyable. We got to see Leonardo Dicaprio win an Oscar— now let’s hope we see some diversity at next year's Academy Awards.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Movie Review: Where to Invade Next

By VAYNU KADIYALI, Staff Writer

When I took a seat at Cinemapolis’ cozy movie theater, I was unsure what to expect from the new Michael Moore movie Where to Invade Next. I had gone at the request of a friend of mine, a staunch social democrat who went to solidify his liberal views. As a political moderate, I felt slightly out of place when I surveyed the audience largely composed of retirees who appeared to be members of the thriving Ithacan hippie movement. As the lights dimmed and the accompanying ads showcased the unconventional attitude of this selection, I knew that I was in for quite the cinematographic experience.

When considering whether or not to attend this movie, it’s really important to know who Michael Moore is. Moore is the director behind cult classics such as Roger and Me, which documents the deterioration of Flint, Michigan after the move of GM’s factory. In one notable part of that film, Flint resident Rhonda Britton is shown selling rabbits as “Pets or Meat” to feed her family. He also directed the hysterical Canadian Bacon, in which America invades Canada as part of a president’s futile attempt to gain popularity. Moore is satirical, supremely leftist, and never afraid to speak his mind. Where to Invade Next is no exception to these rules.

The format of the movie is quite intriguing. Almost immediately, after an overacted, low-budget introduction where Moore himself takes the place of the entire U.S. Armed Forces and is sent to per-

sonally invade other nations, he is shown traveling Europe, learning about the various social policies enacted by progressive governments (all the while lamenting about how much better America would be if it were more like Europe). After obligatorily planting the American flag into the ground after 10 to 20 minutes of exploring a nation, he moves on to the next country, cheerful and brimming with socialist pride.

As is the norm with Moore, the movie was certainly nutty. He repeatedly tries to coerce French schoolchildren to drink Coke alongside their gourmet school lunches to observe their reactions and self-restraint (failing to get even one to try it) and secures an interview with the Prime Minister of Slovenia (or as he wrongly calls it, Slovakia) in which he tries to convince the man to surrender to America—or at least to let America appropriate the concept of universal free education as its own original idea.

But in reality, Where to Invade Next truly is a documentary. Moore spent far more time providing substantial evidence to support his claims than joking, controversially interviewing the very people responsible for reforms like Drug Decriminalization in Portugal as well as those affected by reforms, like students learning about the Holocaust in Germany. I personally found the film to be very informative, while Moore’s socialist humor was just an added creative touch to make it more characteristic of his previous works.

What I liked about the movie was its simplicity and ability to both criticize American social policy and provide an optimistic light about America’s potential. When exploring topics ranging from the quality of life of Italian workers to feminism’s benefits in the Icelandic economy, Moore manages to bring light to the issues by utilizing quirky humor and ridiculous clips of American politics (like Rick Perry saying that abstinence was a good philosophy because he had successfully practiced it himself) and by contrasting the progressive and surprisingly pragmatic viewpoints of European nations with our own conservative and outdated ones. Moore always brought it back to America, showing how reforms of education, labor and domestic policy could easily be implemented and provide great advantages to our already robust economy, countering opposition arguments with wit and ease.

There is still plenty to dislike about Where to Invade Next, however. Firstly, it is largely misleading, portrayed as a true comedic mockumentary in advertising while being far more fact-based and less humorous than I or other audience members expected. Secondly, it seemed a bit too lengthy. Despite clocking in at just shy of two hours, there was a distinct point at which the repetitive “invasion” format became dry and old, not providing the same charm as for the first nations covered. Lastly, the movie is extremely biased and one-sided. It outrageously only covers examples of European exceptionalism, forgetting that America is superior in its diversity, population, and thinking. I found myself annoyed about this one-sidedness, wishing in vain for Moore to at least once convey America’s greatness.

Overall, Where to Invade Next was really an experience like no other. This movie manages to single-handedly dispel the notion of political correctness in the left, and I found myself appreciating that.

It was fun to experience a somewhat contrasting viewpoint from my own, while finding myself in agreement with many socialist European concepts. If you wish to experience a new viewpoint on social policy, or even just solidify your love or hatred for liberalism, then I strongly recommend that you see this movie.

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

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IMAGE PROVIDED

A scene from The Forbidden Room.

The Forbidden Room: the Viewing Experience

By JASPER MINSON

Here’s something I’ve recently come to accept as true: it’s beautiful, euphoric even, to have a film morph and shift in and out of shape before your eyes. This doesn’t mean that every experimental or arthouse film that attempts to mess with tone and narrative structure will garner this response, but it is an experience worth seeking. An example of a film that does this well is Guy Maddin and Evan Johnson’s The Forbidden Room, a 2015 Canadian film that you can find available for streaming on Netflix. I’d also recommend that you take a bath while watching. Trust me.

So what’s The Forbidden Room about? I’m not even going to attempt to answer that. I will say that the screenplay is rapid, energetic, and filled with a passion that explodes when paired with very distinctive visual effects and cinematography. Sometimes, characters tell tales of lost gods and faraway woods, and new vignettes emerge from their recollections. Other times, the camera zooms in on portions of the scene, which then become a sort of portal through which we can watch an entirely new story unfold. The whole film is drenched in nostalgia and psychedelia, and any idea that can be spoken or flashed on an intertitle (this film has segments that play out entirely in the style of early silent films) comes to life visually within seconds.

It’s like being presented with only the stem of some weird and beautiful concept, trying to imagine what it might look like, and then watching as it appears only moments later. It becomes quite the rewarding experience for those in the right state of mind. There are a number of aural and visual motifs worked in throughout as well, which give the film’s disjointed structure a sense of unity, even if it isn’t entirely clear what purpose they serve towards any kind of overall theme.

There are even moments of sheer profundity in The Forbidden Room, and they often come in the strangest or most unexpected of places. When your brain gets used to anything being possible, it becomes easier to be touched or changed by things, and I think that this fact is the key to appreciating Maddin and Johnson’s work. The film has genuine artistry and beauty at its core, despite the layers of humor and surreal pastiche that surround it. Maybe this is the titular room, a place in the very heart of the film that holds the significance of everything unfolding around it; too elusive to grasp for more than brief moments of excitement and awe. Or maybe I just don’t know what I’m talking about.

Anyway, as for flaws, the humor and absurdity of The Forbidden Room is great, but at times, it overstays its welcome. A few scenes feel somewhat incomplete, unnecessary, or unfunny when stacked against the film’s very best moments. These brief times are problematic because they take you out of the otherwise perfectly paced fever dream that is unfolding. I found them easy to forgive during a second viewing, however, as the weakest segments are almost always followed by the very strongest.

I can’t recommend this film enough, but again I must warn you: it isn’t an easy watch, and many will dislike it for its lack of coherent plot.

If you take the plunge, I’d love to hear your reactions, be they positive or negative, because opinions aside, this is a great film to talk and reminisce about. And if you enjoy it, be on the lookout for Maddin’s next film—he’s quite prolific, so a brand new mind-bender is surely right around the corner.

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

Wind-Up: Part 5 The room fell silent, all eyes on Winder. His face pale and shaken, he stared back at his rival detective with unbridled venom. “Krig,” he muttered. “I should’ve known you’d take an interest in this case.”

“Anything to catch my old friend Winder in trouble,” Krig grinned. “I’m sorry, but this time there’s no escaping the evidence. Even the few supporters you have at headquarters can’t argue after all the proof we found.”

Winder frowned. “Explain.”

Krig chuckled. “Well, we do have plenty of time to chat,” he said, glancing pointedly at Linda’s feebly stirring body, “but I’d rather not give you any opportunity to escape. We can talk when I see you behind bars.” He twitched his revolver in our direction, and the armored goons behind him began to advance.

“Not so fast, motherfuckers!” screamed a voice, and from behind Krig jumped out Gonzo, bloody and frenzied. The guards hastily turned to fire, but Gonzo was already upon them, a grenade clamped in both hands. As if in slow motion, he looked up and glared at us for a split second. His heavily cut face spat out a single word: “Go!” The explosion sent me flying, shrapnel slicing through my coat and creasing my limbs. I tumbled forcefully to the ground, but a pile of scattered cushions broke my fall. As I staggered to my feet, I saw Winder limping past me, an unconscious Linda perched on his back. I saw a revolver lying a few feet away and grabbed it before catching up to the detective, trying my best to ignore the mangled bodies across the room.

Without hesitation, Winder kicked straight through a wall panel, revealing an unlit passage that sloped underground. We jumped in and stumbled down the steps, trying to escape the shouts from behind. The cramped space quickly grew dark, and only from Winder’s footsteps could I keep my bearings through the meandering corridor. As I turned a corner, however, my head smashed into a broken beam and I collapsed against the wall.

As I struggled to focus, I realized that I’d lost my sense of direction. I could still hear Winder’s hurried pace, but from both directions, one fading away while the other was getting louder. “Winder?” I whispered into the dark.

“There you are,” hissed a heavy voice, and strong hands grasped onto my body. I yelled and raised my revolver, firing off a round.

The brief flash that lit the room revealed the armored body of a guard, staggering back

By JAMES PARK

from the attack. I lowered my gun in horror, realizing I’d just shot a fellow officer, only to be slammed into the wall again by the same hands, this time with considerably more force. “You’ll regret doing that,” the deep voice growled, and an arm pressed against my throat, constricting my windpipe. I flailed my legs desperately, but my blows did nothing against his tough armor. Flashes of red danced before my eyes.

Then a dull whoosh of air brushed past me, and the force on my body vanished as a crack and a grunt of pain echoed through the corridor. I sank to the ground, uncontrollably coughing, while above me a flurry of hits resounded against soft flesh. I was still heaving as a hand, different from the guard’s, pulled me up and dragged me along.

Faint rays of light began to shine from cracks through the ceiling, and ahead I saw a single door built into a dead end. Linda was there, too, lying against a wall. She was awake, though in clear pain, and her dress was stained dark crimson at her hip.

“Damn,” she said through clenched teeth, “I was hoping I’d get past six months before being shot again.” She looked up at Winder anxiously. “Are there more coming?”

He nodded. “I fought one off of Newt, but they’ll be crawling all over this place in another half-hour.” I noticed he was holding his metal rod again, the tip coated red. “Linda, go with Newt through the sewers and get yourself patched up. I need to stay a little longer.”

“For what?” I protested.

Winder hesitated. “This may sound bad,” he said slowly, “but I may actually be the reason for all these murders. I need to go back into the Chain’s archives, find a few documents. Do you still keep them on the third floor, sis?”

Linda glanced up at her brother, her pained eyes suddenly full of understanding. “Is this about Newt, Winder? The old one?”

Winder looked away. “Take this,” he muttered, and tossed a small object into my hands. It was the wind-up bird, scuffed but still intact. “I don’t want you two doing anything until we meet again,” he called over his shoulder, walking back into the darkness.

“Winder!” his sister shouted out. He paused.

“Once you’re done, burn everything down.”

Winder dipped his head in acknowledgment and vanished.

Linda turned to face me. “Now,” she said, “get me out of here.”

Linda was not heavy, and even carrying her I moved swiftly. The door had led out to the wide, maze-like tunnels of the city sewers, but with Linda’s direction, we quickly found a flight of stairs to the surface.

“What were you talking about with Winder?” I questioned.

Linda sighed. “Did he ever tell you about his old assistant?”

“Just once, I think. He seemed reluctant about it.”

“That would make sense.” Linda coughed weakly, then continued. “They were one of the best teams in the force. For two years they stopped everything from terrorist bombings to political assassinations. And Newt—that was his name—was completely devoted to Winder. Never let him down, always believed that pure justice would prevail.” She laughed drily. “Of course, he didn’t realize that his hero had a little sister.”

“Newt eventually realized that Winder had very close ties with the Chain, not to mention at least two other gangs. When he realized that Winder even sympathized with them, well, his innocence was shattered. This was only five years after the truce that the government made, which as you know wasn’t completely popular with the public. Newt was one of those who wanted to keep fighting, stamp every last bit of corruption out of the city. He and Winder couldn’t reconcile their views and fell out. Then just a few months later, Newt vanished. They found his uniform in the river south of the city, but nothing else.

Of course, suspicion fell on Winder, but after a quiet trial, they ruled him not guilty. Rumors spread, though, and because of his shady relationships, people started keeping their distance from him.”

Winder’s life was beginning to paint itself in my mind. “So that’s why nobody likes him,” I mused. “But if he hated Newt, then why’d he name me after him?”

Linda’s voice was faint now. “Maybe… he wanted to start over,” she said quietly. “You’re a promising individual… maybe he wanted to rebuild his reputation.”

We reached the top, and a gust of cold wind greeted us. We were in the Marsh, the slums that surrounded Norberry Precinct. I looked around. No officers in sight. “Where are we going now?”

Linda smiled weakly. “Let’s take a visit to my old home.”

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THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

SPORTS

Athlete Feature: Alex Glickman

By MARLO ZORMAN, Staff Writer

IMAGE PROVIDED

Marlo Zorman ’16: We’re only a few weeks into spring sports, but have you noticed anything different on the team? How is the team different this year?

Alex Glickman ’16: It looks like the team is going to be very different this year. From last year’s starters, we lost four seniors plus two other players who decided not to play this year. We will also have a very young team, with some players starting who haven’t in the past and many freshman. We have won 55 matches in a row and it should continue this year. However, I think that our matches will be much more competitive—perfect for spectators.

Alex Glickman ’16

Being a second-semester senior can be tough, especially if you’ve already gotten into college. It’s easy to stop caring as much as you once did about grades, even for the most driven of students.

This so-called “senioritis” can also affect sports. For some, senior year is a culmination of years of training, and results in new PRs and maybe even some records. Others view their last season a little differently and begin to apply the “senioritis” thought process to their given sport.

Alex Glickman ’16, a member of the IHS Boys’ Tennis Team, has been playing competitive tennis since seventh grade. Since he has no plans to play anything other than recreational tennis in college, this will be his last year. I talked to him about his upcoming tennis season, as well as what he is expecting for the future.

MZ: As a second-semester senior, you must be experiencing some degree of senioritis. Has any of that transferred into tennis?

AG: I am experiencing some senioritis with tennis this year. As a senior, I feel less pressure to “prove myself” to the coach or my teammates. I think that this senioritis has actually improved my tennis. I feel like I am playing less tight and enjoying playing tennis more. Of course, it is only the start of the season, and once more weeks have passed, I might grow tired of the daily two-hour practices.

MZ: Spring sports are huge time commitments. What made you decide to play tennis and give up much of your free time?

AG: I really enjoyed the experience of being on the team last year. Not only did we win all of our matches, but the team also had a fun atmosphere. I want to continue our success from the last few years, and as a singles player this year, I think that I will have a bigger impact on the team’s results.

Glickman seems to have a pretty positive view about the senioritis that is beginning to settle in and the prospect of being a senior on the tennis team. Whether you view the last season of your highschool sports career as a possibility to shatter records or as a time to relax, it is probably most important to have fun, and the only real thing that can stop that is Saturday practice.

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ARTS

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

How to Beat the Warriors IMAGE PROVIDED

By JACK POWERS

The Warriors.

1. Let Steph score.

If you can limit Thompson and Curry to under 60 points combined, you'll win the game more likely than not. Don't send double-teams to stop Curry; just make sure Thompson’s shooting doesn't get out of hand.

2. Make Draymond Green beat you.

When they run the pick and roll with Steph Curry and Draymond Green (which happens frequently), and the ball gets into Green’s hands, make him shoot. Green lost to Kevin Hart in a three-point shootout, so his shooting shouldn’t beat you.

3. Put them on the line.

The Warriors don't excel at the FT line as a whole, but there are two individuals who struggle the most. Never let Festus Ezeli or Iguodala score in the paint, foul them hard every time they shoot, and make them earn two.

4. Push the tempo, specifically at Steph.

Every time you can, push the ball and try to get easy layups, or kick out threes. If you can get Curry in foul trouble, the Warriors don't know how to create offense regularly without him.

5. Win the Small Forward and Center matchups.

The two weakest parts of the Warriors starters are Bogut and Barnes. If you can win both these matchups, you have a good chance to win the game. If Bogut is rebounding the ball and scoring from the inside, there is no hope of stopping the Warriors. If Barnes is left wide

open, he will more often than not make his shots, so make sure there is a hand in his face. Especially when he is in the corner.

6. Don't panic and change what you do.

If you're in a playoff series, you're there for a reason. Don't make any drastic changes to your team. Make only minor adjustments to your rotation. We saw this best in the finals when the Warriors went to a small-ball lineup and the Cavs overreacted, doing too much to compensate for the change.

7. Win the rebound war, on offense and defense.

This is simple. Don't let them rebound and get second-chance points.

8. Defend the corner.

The Warriors are almost automatic on wide-open corner threes, so you have to limit the amount of open looks they have from there.

9. Don't show the same defense every play.

Do not hesitate to put your point guard on Curry on one possession, then your SF the next. By giving different looks, it's more likely that the Warriors will miss or commit turnovers.

10. Want to win.

You need to dive for every loose ball and always get back on defense. What makes the Warriors so good is that they almost always do the little things right, so to beat them you have to do every little thing right.

PAGE 35

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

MONTH IN PICTURES COLLIN CLARY

NOEL BENTLEY

A group of IHS Choir Students shows off their British Flag Color Spirit in preparation for their British Invasion Concert on March 15, 2016.

PEARSE ANDERSON

Month in Pictures: March 2016

After pipes burst in upstairs G, floor tiles containing asbestos were upturned. Several rooms in the area are closed off until the asbestos is removed and the floors are replaced.

RUTH WITMER

Students compete in the USPA Interscholastic Girls’ National Championships in Indio, California on March 5 and 6. Four IHS Students, Ruth Witmer, Freida Witmer, Anna Ullman, and Kyra Umrigar, competed in the tournament as part of the Cornell Interscholastic Girls’ Team. The team is ranked fifth in the nation.

The sun rises at 6:15 on March 12, as seen from a farm in Enfield.

PAGE 36

THE TATTLER • APRIL 2016 • ihstattler.com

BACK PAGE

Horoscopes

The COOLNESS SPECTRUM

By CLAIRE SALOFF-COSTE

COOL Applying to become a Tattler editor Steve!

Ice fishing for neutrinos People like Mr. Heiland Return of the Leopard Frogs School is still trying to kill us Superfluous snowflakes

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