April 2018 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 125 #8 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 North Cayuga Street, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE
IHS Students Walk Out to Protest Gun Violence Page 6
GREENSTAR
IT’S TIME
MOVIE REVIEW:
SEEKS EXPANSION
FOR A CHANGE
EVERY DAY
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Editorial
Keeping Our School Safe BY THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD
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he recent school shooting at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School has sparked increased discussion throughout the nation regarding school safety. Following thirteen other school shootings that have occured since the start of 2018, it has sparked a nationwide movement led by student activists. Some students and teachers feel helpless in their position to stop these senseless tragedies, are frustrated over the lack of gun control legislature, and are fearful of their safety and the safety of others. Schools should be a place of learning, not of fear. While the IHS administration has taken various steps to improve school safety, the lack of communication between students and school administrators has led to confusion regarding the implementation of new school safety procedures. In order to alleviate student concern and create a safer school environment, there must be clear and direct communication about new safety protocols between school administrators and students, as well as the implementation of more comprehensive safety drills. The IHS administration has taken extensive steps to ensure student safety, but many students are unaware of this progress. The new safety precautions the administration has implemented include: ensuring more locked doors throughout the day, moving hallway assistance staff to be at doors, requiring all staff to wear their ID, strictly enforcing the new visitor protocol, reviewing safety drills, calling faculty meetings to cover safety protocols, passing out pamphlets to all teachers detailing procedure on various emergency scenarios, and partnering with the Ithaca Police Department (IPD) for security suggestions. In survey of 242 students at IHS, 59.9 percent of respondents felt as if the administration has not adequately addressed student and teacher concerns in light of the recent school shooting. The communication of these procedures to students can create a greater sense of safety among the student population. Mr. Heiland, a U.S. history teacher at IHS expressed his view on the need for increased communication, saying, “I believe the school is taking a measured and cautious approach to this issue, but more transparency is beneficial. Students have numerous concerns about the safety of the school and what is being done to address safety, and it would be highly beneficial to provide a means for students to vocalize these concerns, and hear direct answers from school personnel.” While a greater amount of lockdown drills have been implemented, students have questioned the overall effectiveness of these procedures. So far, only one drill has been practiced, and only in one class period. 2
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New York State requires a minimum of four lockdown drills per year, and Mr. Trumble assures that “...we’ll certainly exceed that by the time we get to June.” Although these drills may come in handy down the road, they do not ease the fears that students have right now. Because there has only been one drill, many students do not know what to do in other class periods if a should lockdown occur. A student interviewed by The Tattler expressed their concern: “To increase school safety, we should practice a lockdown during a majority of the class periods. I feel like I have no idea what to do if I’m in H Courtyard or in the cafeteria.” Fifty-five percent of students reported they did not know the lockdown procedure in each of their classrooms. The library is an area that has implemented its own lockdown drills, in addition to the school sanctioned drill. Library staff dedicated an entire day to the drills, and had a mock lockdown in each period. This allowed all students that spent time in the library to get a good idea about how a lockdown would occur in the library; this is a protocol that all classrooms should adopt. Currently, each year, IHS sets aside a day where a fire drill is practiced in each period. Likewise, a similar protocol should be implemented with lockdown drills. By knowing exactly what to do to stay safe at all points of the day, students at IHS will be able to continue learning in the safe place that IHS should be. Increased communication and transparency between the school administration and students can be achieved through a variety of methods. Whether it is through a school wide email or google document, announcements over the loudspeaker, or assemblies, the administration has means to directly and effectively address students concerns while also creating a dialogue for discussion. This would not only benefit students but it will also benefit the administration. Students would be able to express any concerns or solutions they may have, and the administration could use these suggestions to better ensure the safety and wellbeing of the students at IHS. It is vital that students feel safe at IHS, where a majority of their days are spent. While the administration agrees, and has put many new policies in place to ease these fears, the only way students’ fears can be alleviated is if they know about these new safety procedures. It is vital that students are fully aware of and have practiced safety protocols so that in the case of an emergency, they know exactly what to do. Increased communication will benefit the school for all issues pertaining to students, not just school safety, creating a stronger and closer school community.
Editor-in-Chief
Vaynu Kadiyali ’19 editor@ihstattler.com
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Editorial
THANK YOU,
ADMINISTRATION BY THE TATTLER EDITORIAL BOARD
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ypically, editorial pieces in school newspapers serve to criticize the administration, and in many ways, the Tattler editorial board lives up to this stereotype. However, we must take a minute to thank the Ithaca City School District (ICSD) and IHS administration for consistently listening to the student body. All administrations have to be flexible and dynamic enough to change when change is required. Students will always criticize their administration, but this should be celebrated, because student activism can create that dynamism in a school administration, and students will gain a confidence that will allow them to advocate for change their whole lives. The responsiveness of ICSD and IHS administrators has been especially evident this year, and students may find themselves thinking of Terrible Trumble and the Big Bad Board in a different light. Most recently, there was a student walkout March 14. Students at IHS joined students around the country by standing outside the school in the bus loop for 17 minutes to commemorate victims of the Parkland shooting and advocate for gun control. Although the administration could not condone students leaving campus during school, they allowed students to protest safely; Mr. Trumble gave an announcement after the walkout thanking the students for the organized fashion of the protest, and students reported feeling safe and supported by the administration. In comparison, other high schools discouraged or punished students for protesting. Students will not always be so supported in their protests, but hopefully this experience built students’ confidence in the administration and in their ability to protest. Also this year, IHS received attention from national news when a group of student activists protested the casting in the IHS musical, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, over concerns of “white-washing” and racial diversity. Last month, the ICSD Board of Education (BoE) enacted almost all of the demands of “Students United Ithaca.” Hunchback was canceled, and another musical, Hairspray, started in its place with a new director, consistent with the demands of students. Related discussions at a recent ICSD BoE meeting have even led to the beginning of a dialogue about teaching anti-racism in the classroom. Students were encouraged to join committees to further develop the ideas brought up. Although the BoE took relatively quick action to cancel the musical and start another, this is not always the case. This year, students saw the results of a long discussion on factoring music classes into the GPA. This issue was brought up at a student council meeting last year, and the Tattler published four articles in support. However, students grew frustrated with the administration’s slow response, even turning the school’s new core values (Compassion, Integrity, Ownership, and Tenacity) against them, calling for the school to live up to its own standards. In this case, though, the administration was not negligent. The bureaucratic response takes time, and in fall 2017, students received an email that the policy had changed, and music classes would be included in GPA. Although the issue with the Hunchback musical was quickly resolved, the discussion about casting musicals revealed other similar cases, where
complaints did not result in significant change. Ideally, an issue such as this could be looked into and addressed as soon as a complaint is made. However, the administration is not all-knowing. If a person wants to bring a complaint before the BoE, it may be challenging to demonstrate that others have the same opinion. This year, the Tattler has attempted to fill that gap and amplify the student voice through school-wide surveys via email. One particularly interesting survey asked students about their experiences with the dress code at IHS. Instead of one student speaking up about the dress code, we magnified that to 403 respondents on a survey. Students commented that they felt embarrassed, upset, and discriminated against through the enforcement of the dress code. We hope to continue to magnify the student voice and reveal issues that may be more widespread than previously thought. One thing we learned while writing the editorial about the dress code was that the dress code had actually already been changed, and some of our ideas already implemented. The dress code had previously targeted girls, describing the precise length of shorts and size of spaghetti straps allowed. Those sections had disappeared, and been replaced with a ban on “excessively revealing” clothing. However, the change was never communicated with students. This finding brought to light another facet: the communication between students and the administration must go two ways. Students must be able to have their voice be heard by the administration, but the administration must also communicate their actions to the students. Yet again, a closer look will show that the BoE has already thought about this. Dr. Brown’s Twitter and the email sent to students about music in GPA are just two examples of the administration reaching out and trying to get on student’s wavelength. We hope they will continue to search for new avenues for communication. Even a good administration, run by adults who ultimately only have good intentions for the young adults they oversee, needs to be criticized. This is not an invitation to stay quiet because the administration has it handled. This is an invitation to stand up and let your voice be heard, because at IHS, it might just make a difference.
COVER IMAGES BY NICOLAS LADINO SILVA AND KATARINA MILOSEVIC ON UNSPLASH
The Tattler is the monthly student-run newspaper of Ithaca High School. All currently-enrolled students at Ithaca High School are welcome to submit writing and photographs. As an open forum, The Tattler invites opinion submissions and letters to the editor from all community members. Email submissions to editor@ihstattler.com or mail letters to: The Tattler 1401 North Cayuga Street Ithaca, NY 14850 Send submissions by April 12 to be included in the May issue. The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submissions. All articles, columns, and advertisements do not necessarily reflect the views of editorial staff. To read The Tattler online, visit our website at www.ihstattler.com.
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27 PENU LTIMATE
23 L ITERA RY
29 AP R IL F O O L ’S
20 SP ORTS
18 A RTS
12 F E AT UR ES
9 O PI N IO N
5 NEWS Table of Contents
IMAGE BY GENEVA MORELAND
News
Most of GreenStar’s profits come from the West End GreenStar, pictured left. The co-op is hoping to expand and relocate this store to 770 Cascadilla Street. IMAGE FROM VISITITHACA.COM
GreenStar Seeks Expansion and Consolidation With Proposed Relocation By Fiona Botz
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reenStar, Ithaca’s well-known natural foods market, announced on February 14 its goal of relocating and expanding its West End store. GreenStar has three stores plus its event space known as “The Space at GreenStar.” While Greenstar pulled in a total of about $22.4 million in 2017, more than 75 percent of the co-op’s profits came from a single location: the West End GreenStar. With no more room to accommodate growing demand, GreenStar has decided to pursue a number of expansions to better serve the Ithaca community. GreenStar has actively considered expanding since 2000. GreenStar’s main location, the West End store, is right next to Route 13 at an intersection between Fulton and Seneca Streets. GreenStar cannot expand its footprint anymore in the block that they currently occupy without cutting the already tight parking space. As a result, GreenStar has not been able to expand under one roof. More recently, though, Growing Forward, the name of the relocation project, has been prompted for several major reasons. GreenStar’s lease expires in 2019, and they would receive economic incentives if they relocated to a new site. Under the proposed move, the store would also triple in size. With more space, customers would be less crammed in small aisles,
product lines could be extended, and the shopping experience would vastly improve. The flagship store is proposed to move to 770 Cascadilla Street. According to GreenStar’s Feasibility Study, in terms of infrastructure, the new location will have a total footprint of about 35,000 square feet. Currently, the West End Location takes up about 29,000 square feet. The sales floor is expected to grow from 6,711 square feet to 16,494 square feet, allowing GreenStar to offer more products in a more comfortable space. GreenStar wishes to ensure that expanding and relocating is what their avid members and other customers want from them. To do this, they held one public meeting to discuss whether or not they should augment their West End store, and one feedback meeting just for members: the “Special Meeting” on March 16 and the “Member Feedback Session” on March 21. After these meetings, GreenStar owners will meet in late March to vote on expansion. GreenStar’s possible expansion and relocation have potential to make a big impact on Ithaca. Most significantly, the expansion would allow for the creation of new jobs, and the expansion of services provided by GreenStar. 5
News
On March 14, hundreds of IHS students stood outside for 17 minutes to protest gun violence and remember the victims of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting. IMAGE BY MAGDA SMITH
IHS Students Walk Out to Protest Gun Violence By Vaynu Kadiyali
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ignificant winter weather on March 14 did not stop IHS students from standing in solidarity with an estimated 1 million students nationwide to remember the victims of the Parkland mass shooting and to protest the recent wave of gun violence in schools. Hundreds of students stood in silence, some with their heads bowed, and others hugging and holding hands, for seventeen minutes, in memory of the seventeen victims of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School shooting a month prior. While very careful to avoid publicizing the topic, IHS administration ultimately stood by students who chose to peacefully walk out. In the week leading up to the walkout, IHS administration was very cautious in its response to the planned protest. A voice message sent to IHS families noted that “It is [their] responsibility to educate students and keep them safe . . . while students have the right to peaceful protest, demonstrations can’t be sanctioned by the school district.” Students were encouraged to stay on school grounds, with Ithaca Police Department (IPD) officials present to ensure their safety, and students were not penalized for their participation in the walkout. Five minutes before the planned walkout, Principal Jason Trumble went on the PA system to ask students to remain quiet in the hallways as they left the building, noting that it was their right to participate in the protests as long as they adhered to school rules. Moments later, hundreds of IHS students quietly left their classrooms, first gathering along the sidewalk along North Cayuga Street, and then occupying the sidewalk along the bus lane. Students occupied the entire width of the sidewalk, 6
and the crowd stretched all the way from Cayuga Street to the brick pillars near the Activities Building. “It felt very unifying.” said Leah Wardlaw ’20. “There were kids all over the US and in different countries who were using their voices to say that gun violence is wrong, and it was powerful that they walked out regardless of the consequences, which included suspension and corporal punishment.” Many student activists stood with signs reading slogans like “Hear their Voices” and “Enough is Enough,” as well as several signs with the names of victims of the Parkland shooting. Students walked out for a number of reasons, with some joining mainly to pay respects to victims, while others joined specifically to agitate for change. “I participated in the walkout because I believe that direct action is one of the most important things you can do to bring about change at a national level,” said Sankofa McLaurin ’19. Renat Urazgildiiev ’21 echoed similar sentiments, saying, “I walked out because it’s important to honor all the people that died, and show that we will not back down to fear.” The national walkout has led to an important discussion in Tompkins County regarding legislation about guns in schools. The Tompkins County Legislature is currently hosting discussions over two competing resolutions, one in support to a state-funded armed official being available to every school, and one in opposition of such a measure. Such a measure would be largely symbolic, but discussions provide a venue for Ithaca residents to express their beliefs and feelings about the issue. IHS students are encouraged to email legislature@tompkins-co.org for more information.
News
P H O T O S F R O M T H E WA L K O U T O N M A R C H 1 4 AT I H S
IMAGE BY MAGDA SMITH
IMAGE BY MAGDA SMITH
IMAGE BY MAGDA SMITH
IMAGE BY NOAH BELL
IMAGE BY MAGDA SMITH
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News
Controversy over Student Disciplinary Issues AT ENFIELD ELEMENTARY SCHOOL By Meera Bai Singh and Asha Duhan
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n Tuesday, March 13, the Board of Education (BoE) meeting’s public comment period served as a forum for a contentious debate over one issue: student discipline at Enfield Elementary School. Speakers debated the issues of whether enough was being done to discipline troublesome students, and whether faculty at the school should be considered responsible for enabling bullying and a chaotic learning environment. Numerous parents and teachers came to the board meeting wearing yellow shirts stating “Inclusion, Compassion, Diverse Values, Enfield,” illustrating their support for the core values of Enfield and of the school itself. Multiple sides of the debate were represented, as over twenty people voiced their opinions over issues surrounding discipline and restorative justice at Enfield. In an hour-long meeting with many heartfelt moments, parents, teachers and community members argued their positions on student disciplinary issues at Enfield. The public comment period began with Enfield staff members and guardians voicing their support for the school and its administration. Speakers, including a long-term substitute, a kindergarten teacher, a social worker, parent, and a special education teacher, voiced their support of Enfield’s current principal, Lisa Rieger. However, the comments quickly turned to criticism of the administration and lack of disciplinary measures at the school. Critics maintained that Enfield is wrought with violence, and argued that it is not being addressed properly. Recent violent incidents at Enfield have ranged from aggressive outbursts by students, and verbal and physical attacks by students to their peers and even to teachers. Parents and teachers shared their personal experiences with aggression: a female student being bullied on the playground; a male student being told by another student, “I will kill you”; students trashing classrooms; and a teacher being spat on, bitten, and attacked by a student as other classmates watched. Parents noted that the classes are oftentimes disrupted by these acts of aggression which take away from value learning time. A parent and teacher cited a shocking statistic, saying that Enfield has 34 to 35 percent lower grades on NYS ELA and Math exams than the other elementary schools in the district. One parent said, “Teachers, parents, and students are calling out for help; please help us. If this issue is not ad8
dressed tomorrow, I will be dumbfounded.” Another recounted that while these violent events have persisted at Enfield for years, nothing has been done. Another parent explained that the administration often dismisses these issues as “not bullying, but acts of aggression.” This was contrasted with the expectations set forth by the Dignity for All Students Act, which states that schools are responsible for the proper documentation and discipline of violent actions in school settings. These parents argued that Enfield provides an unsafe environment for elementary school students, and the school needs to improve disciplinary measures. On the other side, those who wore the yellow “inclusion” shirts stated that harsher discipline is not the solution to the issues of violence and behavioral outbursts at Enfield, and that the students need new resources that they are not currently receiving. They voiced their strong support for Principal Rieger and the measures taken by her administration to address the issues that have plagued Enfield. After a passionate public comment period, Enfield’s principal, Lisa Rieger, presented to the BoE on “Why Enfield is Great,” praising Enfield and the new developments and measures taken to give students an equal, meaningful education. She described the growing mindset of students at Enfield, and noted that they are at an age where they can greatly grow their brain through education and perseverance. The Board’s response to this issue was limited. Dr. Patricia Wasyliw stated that “The BoE does not cover up, or condone the covering up of anything.” She went on to say that the Board cannot address issues of the individual, due to violations of privacy and confidentiality. Dr. Christopher Malcolm stated that “[they] do not have a solution; it is a continued process.” Both Moira Lang and Nicole LaFave went on to give statements that were in support of collaboration in order to make changes. In response to members asking for in-school suspension rooms, Board member Brad Grainger said, “We are trying not to have ISS rooms, we are trying to provide an equal opportunity.” The biweekly BoE meetings are becoming an increasing medium for dialogue and conversation over controversies in ICSD, such as the IHS musical that was discussed at the last meeting. The IHS Board Representatives (Asha Duhan, Meera Bai Singh, Leo Song, and Myeong Hak Lee) encourage all students to attend board meetings and become involved in conversations about issues in ICSD.
Opinion
THE By Chloe Moore
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Devolution of American Politics
s President Obama astutely said in his 2016 White House Correspondents Dinner, “Eight years ago, [I] said that it was time to change the tone of our politics. In hindsight, I clearly should have been more specific.” The tone of American politics has changed from not always pleasant, but meaningful, discussion about politics, to all-out rage-tweeting at dictators as an excuse for foreign policy. Five years earlier, at the 2011 Correspondents Dinner, the host, Seth Meyers, made a statement about the state of American politics that now feels almost prophetic: “Nothing is more depressing about politics than the fact that ‘adult’ is now a compliment.” That statement still rings true today. President Trump is congratulated and called presidential when he is able to read off his teleprompter and not threaten nuclear war with sound effects as the accompanying entertainment. The simple truth is that our country needs to hold our politicians to a higher standard. Trump’s ravings against minorities and immigrants should not be exonerated by the fact that he managed to hold a bipartisan meeting about gun control. His flippancy regarding American democracy (casually suggesting that Democrats who did not clap during his State of the Union address were “treasonous”) is dangerous and detrimental to American politics and to our reputation, both domestically and abroad. We also need to hold our politicians to an even standard. The discrepancies between how we as a society and media-consuming culture
view male versus female politicians is frightening. For instance, Hillary Clinton is criticized for “not smiling” during a debate. Elizabeth Warren is called “too shrill.” People zero in on women’s physical characteristics and attempt to use them to discredit their campaigns, while ignoring the problematic behaviors of male politicians and continuing to buy into the lie that being rich is synonymous with the ability to run a country.
The simple truth is that our country needs to hold our politicians to a higher standard. It is problematic that people took more issue with the style of candidate Hillary Clinton’s pantsuits than with Donald Trump saying, in effect, that all Mexicans are rapists and drug dealers. It is problematic that it has become acceptable to say that Elizabeth Warren is not a legitimate politician because people don’t like her voice, but that Paul Ryan is a good representative for America when his budget plans over the years boil down to taking away healthcare for millions of Americans and giving tax breaks to real estate moguls like Senator Bob Corker, whose vote was needed to pass the latest tax bill. American politics have devolved. The rest of the world is looking at America and, quite likely, laughing. Even Russian leader Vladimir
Putin, in a video clip when asked about his view of Donald Trump’s performance thus far, could come up with nothing more complimentary than “I think he is doing his best.” Coming from a man who most likely wanted to see Trump get elected, that is a chillingly dim view of Trump’s presidency. Other world leaders were shocked at Trump’s decision to pull out of the Paris Climate Accords, with German chancellor Angela Merkel saying that “Europe is on its own now.” Emmanuel Macron, the President of France, publicly invited American scientists to work in France, knowing that Trump cares very little about the truth. American politics are at a low in terms of public discourse and government action. However, our democratic institutions must remain strong. We, as a country, have faced tough and divisive times. The Civil War, the Vietnam War, and the “war on terror” have all threatened to divide us as a nation, yet the power of the people has remained stronger than the people in power. The American people have come out time and time again on the side of democracy and justice, and we will continue to do so this time as well. One orange face does not define the American people, and it is up to us, the teenagers who will be voting in the next major elections, to uphold our democratic norms and common sense of decency, and to elect politicians who understand that to help run America is an honor and a responsibility, not a reality TV gig. 9
Opinion
I T ’ S
T I M E
FOR A CHANGE By Emily Hong
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he first recorded school shooting in the US was on July 26, 1764, more than a decade before the adoption of the Declaration of Independence, when members of the Lenape tribe attacked a Pennsylvania school during Pontiac’s War. Hundreds of shootings have followed. Since the Columbine shooting in 1999, our nation has been notorious for gun violence in schools. Currently, in the aftermath of the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School attack, students and families around the country are protesting gun violence and future shootings, and Florida lawmakers have approved a bill that imposes three-day-long waiting periods for adults 21 or older to purchase a gun. But are these actions enough? According to CNN, just this year, there have been at least fourteen shootings, which averages to about 1.5 school shootings a week. The New York Times stated that some families have even resorted to sending children to school with bulletproof backpacks capable of “stopping a .357 Magnum, .44 Magnum, 9mm, .45 caliber hollow point ammunition and more.” Currently, all their parents—and America—can do is to hope that these children aren’t future victims of another shooting. However, since 1764, no action the government has taken has stuck, with temporary changes providing only temporary assurance. The same things happen every time: someone pulls the trigger, people pray for victims and those involved mourn the death of lost family members, and everyone else simply moves on. In the wake of the Parkland attacks, President Trump, a defender of gun rights, has changed his viewpoint, claiming that he would put forward “safety proposals,” saying, “We’re fighting hard for you, and we will not stop.” What he is fighting for and what he isn’t stopping exactly are unclear, as nothing has been done, and he significantly softened his stance in the weeks after his shockingly pro-gun regulation statements. Initially, Trump supported arming teachers and raising the legal age for purchasing guns. How-
ever, so far, according to The Washington Post, he has only planned to meet with leaders of the video game industry due to his belief that exposure to violent video games is one of the major causes of these shootings, despite the fact that no evidence supports this claim. This represents a major problem: to appease the NRA and a small percentage of Americans, instead of targeting the problem, the Trump administration and the Republican Party are seeking different, unscientific methods of restricting gun violence without actually getting rid of guns. While in the past, lawmakers have simply avoided debating legislation about gun safety, the strong and continuing national response to the Parkland attacks has meant that state rather than federal legislators have had to propose solutions. Lawmakers in Florida did impose restrictions on the purchase of firearms, and proposed to provide teachers with firearms to protect the children from such weapons. However, it was clear that armed school personnel have been unable to prevent school shootings, and it is unclear whether laws that limit small segments of the population from purchasing assault weapons will prove effective in the future. This half-hearted attempt at appeasing both gun lobbyists and protesters leaves schoolchildren in a continued state of vulnerability, and thus fails to address the very source of the problem of armed attacks in school. Sure, Florida passed a law that makes purchasing guns more difficult. Sure, millions of dollars will be used to improve school security. Sure, they can train and arm teachers to provide a stricter, more stressful environment for the “safety” of these kids. But what about the guns that have already been purchased? What about the guns under parents’ beds that children could easily access? What about the guns that will be given to school teachers? We are simply worsening the problem by creating more possibilities of violence—we are increasing the amount of firearms to fight against firearms. What we are doing now is not enough.
Opinion
On Armed Teachers By Karuna Prasad
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he recent school shooting in Parkland, Florida resulted in a heated national dialogue about the root cause of school shootings in the US. Friends and classmates of the victims of the shooting became leaders of a movement to restrict indiscriminate purchasing and unregulated ownership of semi-automatic weapons. Even so, Republican leaders are sticking to their ideology of protecting the Second Amendment, and refuse to pass any legislation to control the sale of guns. In response to the shooting, President Trump proposed a plan that would authorize some teachers to be armed and trained in preparation for a mass shooting. Some schools in Texas have already implemented this policy, and according to the teachers who chose to undergo this training, this policy has made them feel protected and safe. However, this policy is clearly ill-advised—teachers cannot be expected to properly respond during an incident without complete law-enforcement training. No matter how much money is devoted to gun training for teachers, it will not sufficiently prepare them to mediate with or to take down school shooters armed with semi-automatic weapons. Having guns in the classroom is an extremely unsafe proposition, and it should be the responsibility of law enforcement, not teachers, to carry guns. In school mass shootings such as Parkland, there were teachers who died trying to save the lives of their students. Victoria Leigh Soto at Sandy Hook was one such example—she was killed trying to guard her students from a gunman. Brave teachers such as Ms. Soto are great examples of how sacred schools are, and how the protection of children is something that caring and brave people risk their lives for, whether or not they are armed. However, the plan that Trump has proposed has the potential instead to disintegrate the ties between teachers and students. Many teachers have spoken up about this, and their desire to help and not hurt kids who show inclinations for violent behavior. The National Rifle Association (NRA) has played a prominent role in this debate. In a close alliance with the majority of right-wing politicians, they support arming citizens, including school employees, to protect themselves. The close ties between the manufacturers of these guns and the NRA are alarming, and Americans and politicians of both parties should consider the NRA’s demands in the context of their mutually profitable relationship with gun manufacturers. Global research on the topic conclusively shows a proportional decrease in mass shootings in countries with stricter gun laws. The US has the worst data among developed nations as a result of its lax gun regulation and large population of gun owners. The student activists of Parkland are pleading for increased gun regulation; they have argued that the last place in which a gun should be found is in a school, where another violent incident may occur again. Instead of equipping teachers with guns, federal, state, and local governments should instead address improving the funding of schools, which would help kids who need assistance with mental health problems and bullying. Most school shootings in recent years have been committed by
No matter how much money is devoted to gun training for teachers, it will not sufficiently prepare them to take down school shooters armed with semi-automatic weapons. students with some level of mental health issues, and the formative years of childhood are a critical time to heal and help those with mental health problems. Destigmatizing receiving help and improving resources available to social workers in schools is crucial to preventing gun violence in the future. Additionally, teachers must be trained further to respond to children who are suffering mental health problems with sensitivity and kindness, recognizing also the occasions where professional help may be needed. Similarly, methods need to be put in place to ensure that students who are aware of potential threats can easily and anonymously convey them to law enforcement officials. The government must find a solution besides supplying teachers with guns. If teachers instead receive the necessary training to deal with kids who are in dire need of psychological counseling, young lives may instead be turned around. Activist teachers are using this in their defense, and have created a slogan, #ArmMe, which promotes the educational values that teachers carry as a powerful method of change. Teachers from all over the country are able to say that their job is to inspire their students, and arming them would rob them of this opportunity to be effective in their jobs.
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Features
TEACHER INTERVIEWS “How would you feel about carrying a concealed weapon at school?” By Francesca Chu
“I would not be able to do that. I don’t think that’s in anybody’s best interest. I have too much faith in humanity to think that’s what it’s going to come down to.” —Ms. Zawel
“I can’t fathom the notion of carrying a weapon. I think it would undermine the trust relationship between educators and students.” —Mr. Heurich
“I would not feel comfortable or safe teaching in a school in which teachers held concealed weapons. I believe (both personally and as a result of research) that the response to school shootings should not be to increase the amount of dangerous weapons in schools, but rather for lawmakers to compromise and find ways to prevent these weapons from entering schools in the first place.” —Mr. Heiland
“It’s absolutely the most ridiculous suggestion that I’ve heard in years.” —Ms. Craig
12
Features
Colonizing Candidates:
TITAN
Could Titan be our next home? By Aidan Foley
W
ith all of the recent excitement surrounding SpaceX and its proposition to colonize Mars, it’s a good time to take a step back and consider the circumstances. Although Mars has the potential for colonization and human habitation, there are several other available alternatives. One astronomical body that may not immediately come to mind is Titan, the sixth moon of Saturn. The surface temperatures of Titan can reach -300 degrees Fahrenheit, and the surface gravity is around 0.14g (0.14 times the gravity of Earth). At first glance, Titan probably does not seem ideal for long or even short-term human habitation. However, one of its key advantages is its thick atmosphere, which is around 1.45 times thicker than that of Earth’s 1 atmosphere (1 atm). Compared to options like Mars (0.006 atm), the Moon (no atmosphere), and Europa (9.87 x 10-14 atm), this is extraordinarily similar to that of Earth. Having a thicker atmosphere than other alternatives provides numerous advantages to colonizing Titan, an important one being increased protection from radiation. Around gas giants such as Saturn, radiation is more intense due to the planet’s massive gravitational field. Such high levels of radiation can disrupt communications and electronics, as well as potentially leading to negative short- and long-term effects on the human body, including radiation
sickness and cancer. Earth’s thick atmosphere blocks most dangerous radiation from the sun, allowing us to live relatively protected. Titan has the same advantage with an even thicker atmosphere, which would allow us to live with extreme radiation protection. The other main advantage of such a thick atmosphere is that EVA (Extravehicular Activity) suits wouldn’t have to be pressurized, and would only have to include insulation and an oxygen supply. Overall, Titan’s environment would facilitate an easy process of preparing to send bodies into space. Habitation structures could also be relatively unpressurized, allowing them to be lighter and easier to construct. Titan also has lakes and seas, which are comprised of methane and ethane. Both of these chemicals can be used in rocket fuel, which, combined with the low gravity, would allow for easy launches of ships for transport or other purposes. The fuel produced can also be used in fuel cells, which would be a convenient source of energy for inhabitants of the moon, as the thick atmosphere and distance from the sun would make solar panels an impractical energy option on Titan’s surface. Methane could also help produce plastic, which would be used for unpressured living environments on the surface. However, there are some downsides to colonizing Titan. The trip to Titan is extremely long, as Saturn is the third farthest planet from
the Sun. With today’s technology, it is estimated that it would take at least six years for humans to reach. This prolonged journey would cause astronauts to be exposed to dangerous levels of radiation, as well as prolonged subjection to microgravity, which causes long-term bone degeneration. That being said, the medical effects of life outside of Earth are still largely unresearched, and before colonizing space, intensive medical studies must be conducted to determine causes and cures to ailments caused by different atmospheric conditions. There is also a much longer communication delay due to the speed of light and the immense distance between the Earth and Saturn. This could potentially be dangerous for those making the journey, as their contact with those back on Earth could be lost. Overall, there are benefits and disadvantages, as with every planet, to traveling to and colonizing Titan. In the past, several of NASA’s missions have passed by Titan, including the Cassini-Huygens probe, but missions must be designated with the specific intent of researching Titan. A proposed mission to the surface is being considered for 2025, to be launched on the in-development Space Launch System. Hopefully, researchers will learn more about this moon, because it remains a prime option as we extend our reach across the solar system. 13
Features
FROM THE ARCHIVES Excerpts from the Tattler Issues of Yesteryear By Thea Clarkberg
1
April 1917
ON THE PRESENT CRISIS
Read more online at https://tattlerarchive.wordpress.com/
By McA. ’18
opinions published in historical Tattlers.
Who will now raise the partisan cry When the country’s fate is at stake? Who would think of faction of party While we fight for freedom’s sake? Who will consider his own welfare When he hears the nation call? Who would think of his own small self And let that great cause fall?
2
Note: The current Tattler does not necessarily endorse the
3
March 1899
LOCAL SECTION • •
God grant that no such one exists To profain [sic] the home of the free And mock the honor of that great land Which stretches from sea to sea.
•
But Americans are united today; Stripped of any dissensions we stand, For Liberty’s cause is the greatest of all And we’re fighting for Freedom’s land.
•
•
Ask Miss Gaylord if she is fond of popcorn. Have you had your photo taken? Twelve for a quarter. Green neckties and ribbons were much in evidence at the High School on March 17. The chewing gum agent who recently stationed himself outside the High School found no difficulty in disposing of his samples. Wanted—To know who stole a large box of “fudges” at the Senior reception March 3. The guilty ones will be deservedly punished if their names are given to the young ladies who made the “fudges.”
March 1918
TATTLES • • •
14
There are about four people at school who know of a very small, very pink room at the very end of E-building. This room is the deepest one can go into the bowels of IHS. In that room, there are four filing cabinets that contain the annals of IHS Tattler history, going back 125 years. Here follows a selection.
A great depends on the dressing, when it comes to women and salads. Mr. L.: “If you attempt to squeeze a solid body it will invariably resist the pressure.” McL.: “Then you would not consider a girl a solid body, Mr. L.?” AND HERE’S A CRUEL ONE: “Why are the Germans like the Ithaca Street Cleaning Department? Because they will never clean up the “allies” (!!).
4
Features
April 1899
FLAGS FOR OUR NAVY By Kappa Sigma It is the boast of the flag department that nowhere in the world are flags so well made as in the Brooklyn Navy Yard, where all the flags for the United States Navy are made. Three departments of building Number Seven are occupied by the flag makers, and for more than thirty years, the red, white and blue have been measured, tested, weighed, constructed, and mounted, by those who have become skilled in flag-craft. Not only are the stars and stripes made there but every craft commissioned by the United States governmental must be provided with a full supply of flags of all nations, so there is no recognized governmental whose insignia is not made there. The foreman, Mr. James Crimmins, is supposed to know more about flags than anyone else in the world. He weighs the bunting, tests the colors, measures the stripes, cuts the cloth, carves out the stars, and inspects the stitches. One apartment is for the measurement of flags. The floor is inlaid with strips and plates of polished brass for the measurement of the flags in length and width, and this measurement must be exact. The width or “hoist” must be exactly ten-nineteenths of the length. The floor of this department which accommodates itself so readily to the dimensions of the largest flags in the world is admirably adapted for a ballroom, and there, semi-monthly, are held the dances which are a social feature of the life of the officers of the Brooklyn Navy Yard. There is another apartment occupied by a score or more women, some of whom have worked fifteen years for Uncle Sam. At one time the entire flag was made by hand, but machine work has usurped hand-labor, and some electricity is to be applied to the machines not operated by foot power. In the third room is the great chopping block whereon Mr. Crimmins carves out white cotton stars. The cloth is folded twenty times or more, and then a huge brass star is laid on the material and the pattern marked, after which with chisel and mallet the flag-master hew out a whole constellation at once. Every star must be the exact counterpart of every other star. These are then dealt out individually to the sers of star, to be affixed to their firmament of blue bunting. It is an unswerving rule that a certain number of stitches must be employed to each inch of measurement. The stars are sewed back to back, stitch to stitch. There is no right or wrong side, both sides of the banner are precisely the same. Only expert women are star-sewers. The “device worker” is one frade in advance of the star-sewer and her work is on foreign flags. Some of the finest needle-work done at the Navy Yard is on the flags of Costa Rica and San Salvador. There is but one worker who finishes the flag. He is a sturdy old sailor who sits on a sailmaker’s bench and mounts each flag on its ropes, sewing the heavy iron rings into place. His hair and moustache are as white as snow, and his florid skin gives evidence of contact with many an ocean breeze. The governmental has stretching machines, chemicals, and many other things for testing the resistance, colors, etc., of all the flags and a sample which passes these tests successfully is regarded worthy to endure the whims of nature in every clime, on every sea, and to face the bullets of any enemy.
5 The header for the Editorial section in the April 1917 issue.
15
Arts
Interview with Hulu Publicist on The Handmaid’s Tale By J.T. Stone
A
fter reading Margaret Atwood’s 1985 novel The Handmaid’s Tale, I was thrilled when an employee at the Ithaca Youth Bureau told me about an opportunity to interview someone who works with the author. On March 9, I conducted a phone interview with Hulu Publicist Melinda Casey, in which she discussed her day-to-day work with Hulu’s adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale, and her experiences working with New York Times best-selling authors and award-winning actors such as Margaret Atwood and Elisabeth Moss. J.T. Stone ’20: Describe your job at Hulu. Melinda Casey: I am a publicity coordinator for original content at Hulu. My job consists of daily meetings and interviews to promote original programming, which include our original series The Path, and of course, The Handmaid’s Tale. I also communicate with journalists from The New York Times and other publications to help publicize Hulu and its many shows. The other half of my job is coordinating with the actors, authors, and executive producers. I plan talk-show and press appearances for celebrities who work with Hulu. For example, I scheduled Elisabeth Moss, who stars as Offred in the Hulu adaptation of The Handmaid’s Tale, to appear on Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, and other kinds of interviews, while also providing her with some appropriate talking points. JS: How did you get this job? MC: I applied for an internship on Hulu’s website when I was a senior at Pepperdine University. I was surprised by how quickly I heard back from somebody, since it had only been a 16
couple weeks since I submitted my application. I applied on the last day they were accepting applications, and so my resume was first on the list. I felt that my initial interview, which was conducted by five people sitting at a table, was very intense, but luckily, I got a job as an intern, which I kept during my entire second semester. After graduating, they decided to hire me for a full-time position. My job tasks became broader, and they trained me in areas I wouldn’t have been exposed to as an intern. Before working with Hulu, I had previously been an employee at Wegmans. JS: Do you enjoy your work? MC: I do! I’ve been working at Hulu full-time for almost two years now. I have a fun and very exciting job where every day is different. My work consists of me traveling across the country to promote Hulu, and visiting big cities like NYC and LA, which I wouldn’t have been able to do otherwise. JS: Have you read the original book and seen The Handmaid’s Tale? If so, how do you think they compare? MC: Yes, I have—it’s my whole life’s work. The cool thing about TV is that it lets you see the story beyond the pages. The show goes into more depth when portraying specific characters, but besides that, Season 1 is very similar to Atwood’s original novel. JS: What is your relationship with Margaret Atwood? MC: I wouldn’t call us personal friends, but we are definitely friendly. I email her and her assis-
tant about press requests, and escort her on the red carpet and greet her during public events, so we do get to talk. Atwood is the author I probably work the most with, and we have a good dialogue and a working relationship. She is indeed a very cool woman! JS: How does Atwood feel about the differences between the show and the book? MC: Margaret Atwood is a consulting producer for the show, which means she reads Bruce Miller’s script, who’s a writer and producer for The Handmaid’s Tale, and bounces ideas off of him. So she is aware of all the decisions being made in the show and has a say in the script. She likes Season 1 of Hulu’s adaptation of the story. JS: What can you tell people about Season 2? MC: Season 2 definitely gets darker, and expands the world of Gilead and beyond. The next season focuses on the resistance against the highly oppressive society, and how it will play out in the rest of the story. Additionally, Season 1 left off where the original book ends, and so Season 2 will show what happens to Offred next in her journey. Season 2 will have thirteen new episodes, and its confirmed release date is April 25, 2018, when two new episodes will be available to watch. JS: Do you have any other comments you wish to add? MC: If you are interested, Hulu is having a special offer for students to receive both Hulu’s on-demand streaming plan and Spotify for only $4.99 a month. This way, you can also watch our original series Looming Tower, coming soon.
MOVIE REVIEW
Every Day
Arts
SONGS TO PUT A SPRING IN YOUR STEP
By Chloe Moore By Sophie Wray
E
very Day, a movie based on the novel by David Levithan, was released at the end of February and has been gaining traction and publicity ever since. Directed by Michael Sucsy, it follows the story of a girl named Rhiannon (Angourie Rice) who meets a spirit named “A.” A wakes up in a different body every day, and their path collides with Rhiannon’s when they wake up in the body of her boyfriend, Justin ( Justice Smith), and fall in love with her. From then, A finds Rhiannon every day they can, each time in a different body—as Nathan; as Vic, a transgender boy; as a suicidal girl named Kelsea; and in countless other forms. A tells Rhiannon the truth about their existence, and Rhiannon comes to believe them and to fall in love with them. A’s existence is not defined by gender, race, body type, class, or any other arbitrary factor. They have a distinct consciousness that becomes partially defined by Rhiannon. Each of A’s manifestations in the film is portrayed by a different actor, and the actors flawlessly portray their characters when A is both inside them and when A is not. For example, Rhiannon’s boyfriend, Justin, is sweet and caring with A inside him, and skips school with her to go the beach. However, a few scenes later, A is clearly not there when Justin becomes uninterested in her without the prospect of sex, and ignores her almost entirely. When Rhiannon breaks up with him, he simply stares at her for a moment before saying, “Have a nice life,” and walking off. His callousness is contrasted by the warmth of A: in every person they inhabit, they make the same gesture of pushing Rhiannon’s hair back behind her ear, which continually illustrates the fact that despite their unique circumstances, A is steadfast and kind. Every Day is a brilliant exploration of a love that transcends traditional lines and is instead defined by the unique souls of two people. There are several films that are out or coming out about non-traditional loves: Call Me By Your Name and The Shape of Water were both Oscar nominees, and the gay coming-out story Love, Simon will be released soon. Every Day, however, goes further than all of those films, and contrasts the physical aesthetics of love between many people and shows them as equal. The film is visually exciting; as each character changes, the viewer is left to see the similarities in each of the people that A inhabits instead of the differences. While the concept may be hard to grasp at first without reading the novel, once one sees what the film does, it becomes a beautiful, unifying, and diverse story. Every Day is unique: everything—from the script, to the costumes, to the acting—is executed in way that feels like one’s own experience. It is also refreshing to see a film about high school that did not center around some sort of tragedy or excessive gossip. The film is not all happy, as Rhiannon and A must face complex questions about their future and what that would potentially look like. Both characters must face difficult choices and make sacrifices, but these are parts of life and human nature that the film effectively captures. Every Day is an exquisite film, one that imparts valuable lessons and is most definitely worth watching.
Here is a mix of song lyrics and springtime feelings. Listen to them and it’ll all make sense. “Los Angeles”: St. Vincent In Los Angeles, the winter never comes. Most Ithacans sometimes wish this was their reality. “Chinese New Year”: SALES I can’t wait to get out of here; no, I can’t wait to get out of these winter clothes and hats and gloves and scarves. “Feels Like We Only Go Backwards”: Tame Impala I’ve got my hopes up again, oh no, not again, so I hope this little warmth spell isn’t just a fluke and that the sun is here to stay. “Give Me One Reason”: Tracy Chapman Winter says, “Give me one reason to stay here,” and we say, “We don’t have any; be on your merry way, please.” “Don’t Delete the Kisses”: Wolf Alice And the cold weather is out swiftly, just like an Irish goodbye, just like a French exit. “I Want You”: Bob Dylan I want you, I want you, oh, warm weather, I want you. “Coming Home”: Leon Bridges I wanna be around you, spring; some warmth is what I’d like. “The Louvre”: Lorde Spring is coming closer and closer I feel it closer . . . the rushhhhhh at the beginning (of the season). “Baby’s Wearing Blue Jeans”: Mac Demarco Baby’s wearing blue jeans till it’s springtime and then she’s wearing shorts. “Vines”: Hippo Campus I see waves of pastel orange and yellow, crocuses and daffodils painting the ground. “Mr. Watson”: Cruel Youth The only one who knows my favorite color: powder blue, just like the springtime sky.
17
Students' Views on
The Hunchback of Notre Dame Casting Controversy and Cancellation
We placed several boxes around IHS for students to voice their opinions about the recent controversy regarding the cancellation of the musical The Hunchback of Notre Dame due to demands from members of Students United Ithaca. Here are some of the diverse opinions and comments:
it was cancelled because “It was a good thing that ven enough opportunistudents of color aren’t gi usicals normally. Also, ties in the high school m as the main female role st ca s wa at th r te ac ar ch the cause she was tradibe r lo co of en be ve ha ld shou r and there are very few tionally a person of colo of color.” roles written for women
“Bad: they should have continued the musical no matter what people say.”
“I think it was the right ca ll. Our theater department has a history of whitewashing casting .”
an African “I’m not sure that casting anic girl as the American, Asian, or Hisp improvement; Romani Esmeralda is an hite’ and ‘of are the only categories ‘w , I support the color’? In general, though ” movement for inclusion.
“It is good we are having a discussion about the role of race in theater and that we are making plans to make the department more accessible to underrepresented students. However, I don’t think the musical’s casting was an issue. Students United essentially bullied their way to a new musical for them with their chosen director. With so little time, the quality of the production will suffer and the director will be forced to give them lead roles or risk a repeat of the attack. If they willingly worked with the school district, their actions would be justified. But after they got what they wanted, their list of demands more than doubled. It feels as if they are using activism as a tool to force the school to get what they want, at the cost of others’ happiness, including both the old cast and directors.”
An Inspiration for All: The Hairspray Information Meeting “I think it is dumb and absurd to reject an actor based on the color of their skin—it’s kinda racist.”
“I think it’s great that the musical was cancelled. This allowed us students to realize the power we have in making the world we live in a better place. I was surprised at how much the administration supported the movement and got us what we wanted.”
By Thea Clarkberg
When I walked into the Black Box Theater for the Hairspray informational meeting, I did not know what to expect. In walked Joey Steinhagen, the director for IHS’s production of Hairspray, and I immediately felt at home. He started out by telling the group of about 30 students that “The country will be watching.” In fact, Steinhagen mentioned that he had received a Facebook friend request from the director of Hairspray on broadway! The atmosphere was peppy and inspirational. Steinhagen announced Harmony Malone as the choreographer amid celebration. Those were not the last cheers of the meeting; as some latecomers walked in, the group cheered to welcome them in. Over and over, Steinhagen emphasized that students should “just show up” to the auditions, promising to provide the friendliest audition room possible. No one would be cut from the musical. One student asked if they should audition, because they played sports and two instruments. “Yes!” said Steinhagen. Another student said they couldn’t dance or sing—should they audition? “Yes!” One student was on crutches—should they audition? “Yes! Just show up.” Steinhagen concluded, “This is going to be hard, but this is going to be doable, and it will be over in a month.” The country will be watching, and I think they’ll like what they see.
“I think it’s really cool that students in our school can stand up for something that’s right. I also think it’s pathetic that no administrator will talk about it. Our school raves about “ownership” but NONE of the administrators will own up or even acknowledge their problems.”
“I feel fairly uneducat ed about the issue and I would like to le arn more. From what I know, I support the cancellation but I feel worried and frustrated with the threats that the activists are getting .”
Sports
Lauren Woolstencroft, a Canadian alpine skier and electrical engineer, has won eight gold medals. IMAGE PROVIDED
REDEFINING STRENGTH On the Paralympic Stage By Chloe Moore
M
ost people who watched the 2018 Olympics saw Ester Ledecka upset Anna Veiss in alpine skiing, cheered on American snowboarders Chloe Kim and Red Gerard, and were duly impressed when figure skater Mirai Nagasu became the third woman ever to land a triple axel jump in competition. Lesser known but no less important are the Paralympic Games, which are specifically for physically disabled athletes. While the Olympics represent the very best that the human body can do athletically, the Paralympics showcase the athletic potential of a human body that is often considered to be limited. Many of the athletes compete with prosthetics of various sorts, or simply with missing limbs. One of the most impressive athletes is Lauren Woolstencroft, a Canadian alpine skier and electrical engineer who was born missing her left arm below the elbow and both legs below her knees. She has racked up eight gold medals in previous years, and she was featured in a Toyota commercial, saying the company’s slogan, “When we’re free to move, anything is possible.” Woolstencroft’s story is, in her own words, one of determination and overcoming the odds. Woolstencroft is living proof of the power of female strength and perseverance. Considering the fact that sports are traditionally considered a male-dominated and able-bodied field, her story is all the more impressive and inspiring. At the 2014 Sochi Paralympics, snowboarder and double-amputee Amy Purdy took home bronze in snowboard-cross, where four to six athletes with prosthetics race together on a course of bumps and turns. She also finished second on an episode of Dancing with the Stars, and with her husband, founded Adaptive Action Sports, a non-profit that teaches 20
snowboarding and skiing to permanently disabled individuals. She won the bronze medal at the 2017 World Championships, and won silver at PyeongChang. Not all Paralympic sports are as “high action” as alpine skiing and snowboard cross, but they are no less important in terms of expanding the field of athletics to everyone. The US will compete in wheelchair curling, a co-ed sport. In the two previous Paralympics where the team has competed, no medals were won, and Canada has dominated the podium for three straight Games. However, the U.S. team had a very strong 2017 season, including winning the gold at an international competition that was held in Finland. One of the top female athletes, Penny Greely, who also competes in sitting volleyball, appeared in curling at the 2014 Games. She consistently leads the world championship field in terms of shooting percentage for her position as a lead. While the Paralympics Games are smaller than the Olympics, their message is no less powerful. The presence of disabled athletes in the world of federated sports competition is important, and helps to open opportunities for disabled athletes around the world. Furthermore, the presence of disabled female athletes adds another layer to the conversation, as women are consistently excluded or grossly underpaid in sports, and face constant societal and governmental regulation of their bodies. The Paralympics and the amazing female athletes help to redefine what it means to be healthy or fit, as well as broadening the scope of what is acceptable for female bodies. The Games diversify the sports world and show that strength comes in many forms.
Sports
Trae Young, a point guard out of the University of Oklahoma, is this year’s Stephen Curry. IMAGE PROVIDED
The Knicks Need Trae Young By Patrick Yuan
F
or New York Knicks fans, it’s that time of year again. It’s the time for depressing losing streaks mired with organizational incompetence and dysfunction, coupled with extremely bad luck and stupid trades. Kristaps Porzingis, the only star on the Knicks, tore his ACL and will be out for the rest of the season. Scott Perry, the general manager, decided to respond by trading for another point guard, bringing the total point guard count on the roster to four, and hindering the development of their other young prospects, such as Frank Ntilikina. The Knicks promptly lost 11 games of 12, an embarrassing streak that became even more humiliating when reports came out that Joakim Noah tried to fight Head Coach Jeff Hornacek in the locker room. Of course, the losing and dysfunction has its, albeit limited, benefits. Fans can look forward to the NBA Draft, in which the Knicks always have a high pick because of how terrible they are. This year is no exception; the draft presents a unique opportunity for the Knicks, as there are some incredibly good prospects that could change the course of any team. Of these prospects, one stands out as both skilled and realistic for the Knicks: Trae Young. In the 2009 NBA draft, the Knicks had the eighth pick, and fans were convinced that they would draft Stephen Curry. Curry had shown an astonishing ability to shoot and distribute in college, frequently bombing from way downtown and displaying an amazing passing vision. With these skills, Curry carried Davidson on an historic run to the Elite Eight of the NCAA Tournament in his sophomore year. He had his flaws, obviously—he was terrible at defense, couldn’t finish at the rim through contact, and was undersized, even for a point guard. Many draft experts believed that Curry would have trouble getting his shot off on the professional level, and likewise, believed that the Knicks were going to get Curry. The Golden State Warriors, who had the seventh pick, were already set at the point guard position and were thought to be targeting Jordan Hill. Knowing this, the Knicks refused to trade up in the draft. This was a catastrophic decision; with the seventh pick in the NBA draft, the Golden State Warriors selected Curry, who went on to set records for three point shooting and become a two time MVP. This left the Knicks with Jordan Hill, who was a bust and out of the league after just seven years.
Trae Young, a point guard out of the University of Oklahoma, is this year’s Stephen Curry. He can shoot from anywhere, has an extremely high usage rate, has an exceptional passing vision, and is the only reason why his team is competitive at all. Like Curry in 2009, Young is undersized, can’t finish through contact, and is poor at defense. The Knicks are in a good position to get him. After his draft stock slipped in the second half of the college season, Young is slated to be the ninth pick, according to nbadraft. net, and the Knicks will most likely finish with the eighth or ninth pick.
For several years, the Knicks have been deprived of a young point guard who can both run the pick and roll and shoot, two things that Trae Young is excellent at. Young can stretch the defense out to thirty feet and shoot off the dribble with ease, making him a nightmare pick and roll matchup with Porzingis. His Young vs. Curry quickness and shooting leaves very few options for defenses; dropping back or going under the screen will yield open three pointers, and Young can destroy any big man on a switch with his quickness. Young can modernize a Knicks offense that is dead last in three point attempt rate by increasing the pace and spreading the floor, as Young is excellent at running in transition. The gravity that Trae Young commands can carry an entire offense, and is exactly what the Knicks need now. Young’s talents, just like Curry’s in 2009, have the potential to be generational. The Knicks failed massively in the 2009 draft by failing to secure Curry, who went on to become the greatest shooter of all time. Young is currently projected to fall to New York with the ninth pick, and the Knicks must make sure they don’t mess up again. 21
Sports
THE FUTURE FOR THE KNICKS By Vaynu Kadiyali
A
s usual, this season started off well for the New York Knicks, and as always, positive momentum was completely derailed. On February 6, in a primetime matchup between two of the league’s best young talents in Kristaps Porzingis and Giannis Antetokounmpo, the Knicks organization suffered its biggest blow yet as Porzingis awkwardly went down after an impressive dunk over Antetokounmpo. He clutched his knee and had to be carried off the court, and Knicks fans’ worst fears were confirmed after reports emerged that he had torn his left anterior cruciate ligament (ACL). With Porzingis out for 9 to 12 months, the Knicks organization will have to completely reshape its plans for the future, and Knicks fans must be prepared to endure at least two more losing seasons before the team is poised for success. The organization’s trade deadline moves were rather disappointing considering the circumstances at hand. Going forward, the Knicks need to add unpolished, raw talent that they can develop over the next two years, and they did partially succeed in this respect at the deadline. The acquisition of Emmanuel Mudiay, an athletic 21-year-old point guard who has a broken jump shot, was a move in the right direction towards finding under-the-radar talent for the future. However, the Knicks’ moves at the center position were underwhelming. Instead of trading Kyle O’Quinn, a veteran on an expiring contract who many championship contenders wanted to acquire, the Knicks instead parted ways with Willy Hernangomez, a younger, more talented offensive center on a multi-year rookie-scale deal. While his defense may be lacking, he could have honed his post-defense and post moves if given more playing time, and given the current state of the New York Knicks, the 22
team should have prioritized Hernangomez’s potential over O’Quinn’s defensive talent. Additionally, it was slightly disappointing that the Knicks did not pursue a trade for Orlando’s Elfrid Payton, a relatively high-upside player who only cost the Phoenix Suns a second round pick to acquire. For the rest of this season, the Knicks need to commit fully towards losing games to increase their odds at the number-one pick in the 2018 draft. While it is painful to watch the Knicks lose, fans and members of the organization must realize that every win moves the Knicks a little bit further from getting a star player in the draft. Defensive big men like DeAndre Ayton, Marvin Bagley, and Mohamed Bamba would pair perfectly next to Kristaps Porzingis in the future, and Luka Doncic and Trae Young are two incredible prospects who could facilitate the offense for the Knicks if drafted. In the offseason, the Knicks will have many difficult decisions to make, especially about their head coach position. Jeff Hornacek, while having to deal with an untalented roster and constant team turmoil, has still been unsatisfactory. His defensive schemes clearly do not work, and his drama with players, including a heated argument with Kristaps Porzingis last year and a brawl with Joakim Noah this year, is atrocious. The Knicks should not rush to look for a replacement, but if there is mutual interest between the team and one of the available coaches, they should not feel afraid to fire Hornacek. Some replacement options include Mark Jackson, who engineered the Warriors’ juggernaut defense, David Fizdale, the former Grizzlies coach who could maximise Kristaps Porzingis’ talent as he did with Marc Gasol, or Jerry Stackhouse, the head coach of the Raptors 905 of the NBA G-League who has engineered
an ultra-modern offense for his team. The Knicks will also have difficult personnel decisions to make. Firstly, they must not waive Joakim Noah and stretch his monstrous contract. While he has been a blight to team chemistry in recent months, stretching his contract over the next five years would be a terrible longterm decision that would hinder the Knicks’ ability to sign star players or to retain talent in the future. Instead, barring his retirement, a trade, or a buyout agreement, they should keep Noah for the entirety of the 2018–19 season to avoid paying stretched salary in the future. Secondly, they must continue to search for lowcost, high-upside players in trades and in free agency. Personally, I’d love to see the Knicks acquire Terrence Jones, a power-forward in the G-league who played well for the Pelicans last season, or Malik Beasley, a seldom-played shooting guard on the Nuggets who is reportedly available in trades. Finally, the Knicks should not look to add any major contracts in free agency. With Kristaps Porzingis likely out for most of next season, the Knicks should focus instead on getting a good draft pick in 2019, on giving playing time to younger players, and on affordably re-signing Kyle O’Quinn and Michael Beasley, solid bench players who can keep the Knicks’ offense afloat until Porzingis returns. While the Porzingis injury is terrible for the Knicks, it will allow them to truly hit reset and perform a necessary reboot. The Knicks were not poised for success even before the injury, and this gives them the opportunity to acquire the talent, both in the draft and through trades, that they will need to be truly successful in the future. It’s time to trust the process in New York.
Literary
IMAGE BY NICK KARVOUNIS ON UNSPLASH
The Parrots Know By Eleanor Randl Scratchy sheets fire ants racing twisted oranges and blues on a patient sky green they grow my grandfather’s copper kisses his amber eyes we sit under the canopy of the florida keys great and giant these roots are wise they know of stained glass windows and grape jelly pits buried deep in the sand they know of salt water and soapy dishes singing much too loud they know of thunderstorms and whiskey in the morning they know of waiting through tanned hot winters and cool rainy summers they know my grandfather as I do not for I will leave to gray skies and icebergs with photographs stuffed in my pockets a younger face the parrots know 23
Literary
THE DAY AFTER THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW By Gus Kuckes
A
nd you sigh a great, a long sigh that ended as something more like a whistle, as if you had been kicked in the chest. But you wanted to scream a great scream, for in that moment, you saw cascading hills of brown and blue, your childhood, flowing water, that time during the separation of your parents in Europe. And you saw jazz, everything you had played in the nightclub already and everything you would ever play; you saw the endless walks through the city that first drew you here, the space between the buildings across the street, the lightning, splitting two great buildings, cascading down the terraces, brown and green, small apartments, offices in New York City. It was dark then, about 10 p.m. And then the days flow by. Time flows by too, though it’s so quiet you don’t hear it, so bittersweet that you can’t taste it, so magnificent that you feel it but don’t know what you are feeling, don’t know that you are feeling. In the the dawn air when you can’t sleep you gaze down at the cabbies aimlessly circling and the lonely people reading alone in separate booths in the separate restaurants, less lonely than you in that moment, less lonely because they already knew they were lonely, and so they had the chance to join the club of lonely people who do lonely things together, with such a degree of separation that it allows them to preserve their loneliness. But you: it hit you just right then, like a wrecking ball, but with a different texture; it was not iron, it did not taste like blood, it was not big and hard and round; it 24
was more like fog, a fog that smelled like Windex and tasted like rotten pistachios against the roof of your mouth. It was unexpected, too, like a rotten pistachio, as if right then, you had reached into the jar of your soul, expecting to find some goodness and finding only this great void bathed in wind and fog. And in that moment, you wanted to jump. And then it’s 6 p.m. and they are flowing out the great arteries of the city, thousands of cars and buses, the city breathes out and rests, and then it’s dawn again, the sweet repose of sleep has passed so quickly, and now the city breathes in, and again the air flows into the fortress-like office buildings, and the sax player between our terraced buildings prepares to play. And a few planes roar by overhead and interrupt him. You are on your way, too. You have not been able to sleep for quite some time, and you hardly want to try now. You count every deep-black wave that you cannot see from your window seat as you cross the Atlantic, knowing each one brings you closer to the end, an end that you can sense, until somewhere in hundred-thousands, somewhere before dawn, sleep does finally catch up with you. And how you needed that rest. For it’s you, breathing now, after three laps on the beach, seven miles times three laps is twenty-one miles, the beach of Lake Einsamkeit, the highest lake in the Southern Alps, but the breathing doesn’t feel like a flow, but a mighty torrent, a mighty desperate torrent, oxygen anxious to enter and carbon dioxide anxious
to leave, like wounded civilians from a besieged combat zone. You did this to yourself. It seemed like the right thing to do. And your mind goes back, you see straight through the water of an impossible midnight blue seeming to indicate it’s cold, through the desultory thousand-year seaweed at the bottom of the lake and into your past, and you see them all, you see yourself changing your hometown again, your soul goes down, again, to the bottom of that lake, into the frigid water, but then this time it becomes different, from how it’s been so many times. You ask yourself if you could have lived differently. Could have stopped running, running in so many different ways, except actually running, because when you were actually running, jogging, was the only time that you felt free. You couldn’t have. But now you have run so far. You have run to the end of the earth. You have escaped the maw of the city, you have escaped everyone you knew. No one knows you are here. Can you be free now? Have you run far enough? Because, here, in this thinnest of cool air, high up on the edge of the world, you feel it. You didn’t know what it was before. Time flowing by, everything flowing by. You had stopped to catch your breath, there on the thin, dirty sand shore of the lake, your feet sinking into its matter-of-fact sliminess, and with the hands on your forehead you felt the first few wrinkles growing in. So early. You look to your right, at the lake now. You
Literary
IMAGE BY ALESSANDRO VALENZANO ON UNSPLASH
will not run any longer. You will not stand to be trapped by this past, you will give yourself a new beginning. You will start life from zero. And in all memories of all those years, that you so repudiated in the next instant after their passing, that are so heavy and deep and dark that you have had to come here and look down thousands of feet into that water to face, you shed like ballast now, to bring you above the flow. You give up the decades, the addictions that brought you here; you give up the envy, you give up the inadequacy, you give up the drinking; you give up the loneliness of college, the years, your best years that you wasted back then taking care of your paranoid sister, who begged you to leave but forced you to stay; you give up the loneliness, and the being misunderstood, of high school. You give up the letters you wrote. All of them. The ones you keep in your right desk drawer, the one you place in your left breast pocket when you just can’t take it anymore, and the ones, too many, that you keep under the floorboards under the sofa in the tiny uptown apartment which you kept just for that purpose. The many letters to many women, some of which were answered, but most of which weren’t. The ones in which you asked for friendship, asked for love, but more often, begged for it, showed your need for it, It was unexpected, too, telling them your future, your darkest secrets (which I don’t think are actually that dark after like a rotten pistachio, all), and your hopes and fears. You give up what you said; you give up the pity a few of them felt for you and then you give up the hatred for yourself that pity made you feel. The ones that just as if right then, you had wanted to take advantage of you, you don’t have to forgive; somehow that never bothered you. reached into the jar of You give them up, you give up to, the days and nights waiting. You let them be one long flow out of you, the many pens and many papers of different weights and shades of white collapsing your soul, expecting into one final, instantaneous scratch, one that is as harmonious as it is dissonant. You loved that to find some goodness paper, you kissed it, pressed it into your forehead; you blessed it. And you cursed it, cursed it a and finding only this thousand times, what it represented, your desperation, and what it brought you. And you give it up, now. You bring it all back, for one instant, and then, let it be done. The sound is almost great void bathed in laughable. And then, the sound of one hand clapping at the terrible, cosmic joke. There is noth- wind and fog. ing. You stop running. And it is ecstasy. You are in the water now. Right out in the middle, or somewhere like that. You swam out there by yourself. And now you float on your back. You have worked so hard, you barely feel the cold, which isn’t that bad anyway, because it’s early summer. And it is quiet, so quiet it is beautiful, there is only the splashing quiet, so quiet, of the calm water. There is nothing left, there is no one else. Certainly not on the lake, given how you bought out all the cabins (the cabin manager didn’t ask any questions, it’s too early in the season; even more so when you set your watch on the table and told him to take himself into town for the weekend). There is no one else. There is no one else. There is only the Milky Way above you as you float on your back. It is Saturday night. And there is no one else. There is no one else.
S
unday morning. The sun rises over the rim of the shallow valley of the lake. It was a pretty morning but that’s really not the point. At about 10 a.m., the sun clears off the fog, and from the southern ridge of the valley one can see the charred foundations of where the cabins used to be below. The cabins from where you once spied the distant ridges and the distant mountain peaks that you could sometimes see and sometimes not, as they faded into snow bearing clouds or the incredible midday haze, which vast fields of reflective snow inspire when they are hit by the strong sun of these altitudes. The cabins where you first dreamed of running away, of just ignoring it all and living happily in a small cottage in a valley with some goats who would give hearty milk in the summer to make crude cheese to keep you through the long winters. You are nowhere to be found, now. 25
CRISS-CROSS APPLESAUCE By Sophie Wray I feel like an old woman With legs like these Stiff and trying to walk but they are numb Only momentarily though Sitting criss-cross applesauce Not the best for blood flow
3/6/18 By Shivani Patel disconnected from my body my soul is in search for some answers frequently i’ve been stuck in my world in a parallel universe where everything is the other way around misguided and blamed for what i’m doing it’s hard to please everyone and make yourself happy too
IMAGE BY THOMAS PEHAM ON UNSPLASH
26
Penultimate
THE SIGNS AS APRIL FOOL’S DAY PRANKS By Sophie Wray
Aries (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
Libra (Sep 23 - Oct 22)
Saran wrap on the toilet seat. It’s as simple and cruel as that.
Taurus (Apr 20 - May 20)
Filling a room with hundreds of cups of water. The real crime here is how many cups are wasted!
If you wanna go old school . . . ding-dong ditch someone in your neighborhood and be satisfied by this simple joke.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
Thumbtack on a chair, because that is just so evil.
Gemini (May 21 - Jun 20)
Toothpaste in Oreos baby, toothpaste in Oreos.
Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Cancer (Jun 21 - Jul 22)
Making caramel apples, but instead of using actual apples, use onions for a nasty trick.
Do a classic prank call to someone to really get in the spirit of April Fool’s Day.
Capricorn (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Leo (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Sticky notes all over the place. On the walls, on chairs, heck, even in the bathtub.
Air horns. All day. Around every corner. No one’s ears are safe.
Aquarius (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Tin foil. Tin foil it all. Cover the floors with that stuff.
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sep 22)
Sticking a bunch of everyday necessities in Jell-O and watching your victim laugh and cry at the same time.
Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Stick a fish in someone’s bag.
THE COOLNESS/CRISPNESS SPECTRUM Crisp
Paper cuts
Water Cucumbers Freedom fries LaVar Ball
Gauges Raw potatoes
Uncool
Cool
Lukewarm frozen pizza
Sitting near trashcans in the library
Day-old fries Mashed potatoes “Moist”
Cafeteria chicken and waffles
Soggy
Cake
Ducks Seogi Yi ’18 27
April in Ithaca
Penultimate
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ITHACA IN APRIL
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Across Across 2. Once it’s warm enough, _____ coffee replaces hot. 4. 2. The snowit’s melts, the enough earth warms up, and the leaves turn hot. _____ Once warm _____ coffee replaces 8. These sandals make their way back onto every Ithacan’s feet 4. The snow melts and the earth warms up, the leaves 9. Instead of driving to work or school, people start using this method of turn _____ transportation more and more These sandals make their way ontoCadbury every treats 10.8.Consuming an unhealthy amount of back these mini 11.Ithacans These birds feetstart chirping and hopping all over; they are a telltale sign that it’s almost spring 9. Instead of driving to work or school, people start using 12. April 22, a day when we celebrate mother nature and the _____ this method of transportation more and more
Down Down 1. Everyone goes into their _____ with their little shovels to start planting seeds for1.summer Everyone goes into their _____ with their little shovels 3. Stopping on every walk to look down and admire these flowers popping to start planting seeds for summer up out of the ground 3. Stopping on every walk to look down and admire these 5. April Fool’s Day and this religious holiday are on the same day this year flowers popping out of can theenjoy ground 6. _____ trails open up andup Ithacans springtime from high up 7. Home5._____ becomesDay the and go tothis storereligious for Ithacans to buy all on their garApril Fool’s holiday are the dening goods same day this year. 9. Lambs! Ducklings! Calves! These are all _____ animals, born in the 6. _____trails open up and ithacans can enjoy springtime springtime! from high up
10. Consuming an unhealthy amount of these mini cadbury easter treats
7. Home _____ becomes to go to store for Ithacans to buy all their gardening goods
SU DOK U
11. These birds start chirping and hopping all over, they are a tell tale sign that it’s almost spring
9. Lambs! Ducklings! Calves! These are all _____ animals, born in the springtime!
12. April 22, this is a day when we celebrate mother nature and the _____
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MARCH SOLUTION 1
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April Fool’s
“When I think of GreenStar, I think of two things: the organic health foods I eat to protect myself from sickness, and the locally-made firearms I use to protect myself from oppressive government regimes,” said an anonymous GreenStar member, pictured at left with her AR-15. IMAGE FROM NBC NEWS
GreenStar to Stop Selling Firearms to Customers Under 21 By An AR-15
I
n a show of support for the movement to end gun violence, local organic food co-op and firearms manufacturer GreenStar announced on March 14 that it would discontinue sales of its weapons to customers under the age of 21. “Student activism in the wake of the Parkland shooting in Florida has convinced us that every part of society must contribute in the fight against gun violence, and we have decided that we can no longer sit idly by while enabling guns to get into the hands of our nation’s youth,” wrote the cooperative in its latest press release. This announcement came shortly after GreenStar’s choice to end a program giving discounts to NRA members. The program had been quite popular among Ithaca’s pro-vegan, pro-Second Amendment community. The decision to regulate the sale of firearms surprised many GreenStar patrons, for whom the cooperative’s firearms were just as much of a draw as their organically produced GMO-free, plant-based foods. “When I think of GreenStar, I think of two things: the organic health foods I eat to protect myself from sickness, and the locally-made firearms I use to protect
myself from oppressive government regimes,” said one longtime co-op member, who requested to remain anonymous. Even more startling for many patrons was the rumor that GreenStar would end for all members the sale of AR-15’s, which are currently one of the store’s most profitable products, second only to kale chips and quinoa. A few co-op members reportedly said that they envisioned creating a future in which gun sales played no part in the GreenStar community at all, a move which critics have said would leave no room for GreenStar to succeed in Ithaca. Although the co-op’s support for gun regulation shocked many, previous signs pointed to a shift in its stance on the issue. GreenStar’s receptiveness to the movement against gun violence was shown on March 12 when they canceled their NRA-sponsored intersectional class, “Guns’ Rights Are Women’s Rights (If Those Guns Are Female).” Many Ithacans still wait as GreenStar determines the specific role weapon manufacturing will play in its future.
8
April Fool’s
Though teacher Matvey Prokosch is the self-proclaimed leader of IHS’s proletariat population, he maintains his taste for fancy clothing and expensive trips to the beach. IMAGE FROM PROKOSCH PHOTOGRAPHY
IHS Rocked by Violent Revolt By Comrade Gutman A History of the IHS Commune:
O
n March 6, 2018, IHS teacher Matthew Prokosch led an uprising against the school administration. The uprising started when armed janitors organized by Prokosch joined a small group of students in protesting the lack of a permanent pizza option in the cafeteria. Declaring their goals to be “Pizza, land, and bread, even though that’s kinda redundant,” the protestors soon turned violent, stabbing teachers and cooks with pencils and jabbing at them with their mops. After twenty minutes of a relative stalemate, Mr. Trumble ordered all teachers to the scene over the PA system, and within ten minutes, the entire school was in the cafeteria. Quickly, the teachers split into two groups, with the teachers with the highest salaries defending the cooks, and those with lower salaries and no tenure joined Prokosch. Lana Craig, the leader of the first group, declared that their side was the “anti-Trump” side, which drew a majority of students to her side. Prokosch hurriedly countered that “School is for losers; once we win, all periods will be free!” This was the final straw for the administration, and they called the police. However, the students had overpowered Craig’s teachers and held Mr. Trumble captive by the time the police arrived. As the police shot at the gathered students, they broke into dance, stopping the bullets in midair and causing the policemen to collapse to the floor. Having won, Prokosch immediately declared that all should address each other as “Comrade,” and that his name was no longer Matthew, but Matvey. Over the last two hours, he has instituted new rules such as mandatory service as cook or janitor, banning of the words “tracking” and “science,” and he has appointed me official IHS Commune historian.
The Commune of IHS was established on July 26, 1959. The original founder of the Commune was Comrade Severin Drix, who peacefully passed power to Comrade Matvey Prokosch in 2015. Under Comrade Drix’s rule, the Commune has overseen the greatest educational enterprise in New York State, eschewing standardized examinations that are designed to discriminate against the proletariat in favor of a holistic education on class and race. The Commune was proud to boast a 100 percent matriculation rate to Oberlin during Comrade Drix’s tenure, but now feeds mostly to University of California, Berkeley, after their recent anti-right efforts. The Departments of Russian History, Socialist Literature, and Philosophical Relativism were established as the three major departments by Comrade Drix. Comrade Prokosch has focused mainly on outreach efforts, in which he has been extremely successful, starting countless revolutions across the New York State Public School System. Comrades Drix and Prokosch have both taught as well as administered, as Comrade Drix currently teaches Decolonized Math, and Comrade Prokosch teaches Sergei Eisenstein Kino Studies. Club offerings include Mock Show Trial, Model Warsaw Pact, and Political Theory of the Global Left. Pizza is served for breakfast and lunch every day. 7
April Fool’s
Mock Trial Files Lawsuit Against Fun Fact of the Day By Judge Judy
O
f all the divisive issues that plague our community, such as musical casting, gun control, and the like, there is perhaps no more hotly debated topic than Fun Fact of the Day. While the weekly pop-culture announcements are entertaining and informative to some, many students and teachers find them to be overly time-consuming. These concerns have become so widespread that, on March 3, Mock Trial, an IHS club devoted to learning about the legal system, decided to file a lawsuit against Fun Fact of the Day. The idea for the suit was originated by Jeremy Sauer ’20, Secretary of Mock Trial. “It’s simple,” said Sauer. “Fun Fact of the Day takes time, and time is money. Every moment of your life is meaningful, so why waste it all on Fun Fact of the Day?” Sauer’s idea quickly found support from the rest of the club. “When Jeremy came up to me with the idea, I knew that it made perfect sense,” commented Matthew Soucy, a ninth-grade English teacher and the advisor for Mock Trial. “We do a lot of simulated trials, but they never actually pertain to a real case. This is a great opportunity for Mock Trial members to finally get some real-life courtroom experience.” From there, support for the lawsuit began to
spread around the IHS community. “I, for one, have a personal vendetta against Fun Fact of the Day,” said Tony Yang ’19. “One time, I had a math test second period and my teacher waited to give us the test until the announcements were over. I didn’t finish the test. I still got like a 95 on it, but to me, that’s practically failure. Fun Fact of the Day needs to go, and it needs to go now.” Many teachers have also rallied behind Mock Trial’s cause. One of these teachers is Robert Tuori, who told The Tattler, “I don’t remember exactly what Fun Fact of the Day is, but I do remember complaining about it a lot, so I certainly wouldn’t mind having it gone.” However, there are still some at IHS who believe that Fun Fact of the Day is beneficial to the school. One of these people, unsurprisingly, is J.T. Stone ’20 himself. “I’m very concerned and upset over this development,” Stone told The Tattler. “I created Fun Fact of the Day for a reason, and that reason was to educate the IHS community about national news. And when I say that, I mean the entire IHS community. With the announcements, I’m able to more effectively reach both the students and the teachers at our school without them signing up for the email newsletter, which some people don’t
know even exists. Are you signed up for my newsletter? I’m checking Gmail right now and . . . no, you’re not signed up for my newsletter. What’s your email address?” Other students besides Stone have also expressed a belief that Fun Fact of the Day should stay. Leland Xu ’20 noted, “Personally, I couldn’t care less about what J.T. does with his life. If this is what he wants to spend his time doing, then that’s okay with me.” The support for these announcements does not end there; teachers such as Matthew Prokosch agree that Fun Fact of the Day is perhaps not such a bad thing. “I like listening to J.T.’s Fun Fact of the Day announcements, especially when he mentions Taylor Swift. Actually, that’s really the only time I like it, but I mean, he sure does mention her a lot,” said Prokosch. While the timetable of the lawsuit is not yet clear, Mock Trial members are confident that their winning it would mean positive things for IHS. “People tell me that they don’t know if this lawsuit is even legitimate, but I’m sure that it will turn out to be good for not only Mock Trial but IHS as a whole,” commented Mock Trial President Meghana Gavirneni ’19. Stone will be represented by a lawyer to be announced at a later date.
6
April Fool’s
Lil’ Red Replaces Cleveland Browns in NFL By The IHS Mascot (is there one?)
O
n February 29, in a shocking turn of events, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced that the IHS Boys Varsity Football team would swap places with the Cleveland Browns in the NFL. This move, effective at the start of training camp in mid-July, will see the Lil’ Red permanently relocate to Cleveland, where they will try to earn the city its first Super Bowl win. Goodell, clearly giddy with excitement to start the press conference, opened his remarks with a joke: “What do you call a Browns player with a ring? A thief !” He chuckled to himself, and explained his decision. “The Cleveland Browns have simply been a joke for the past fifteen seasons,” he began. “They are a disgrace to this league, and to the sport of football in general. . . . By comparison, the Lil’ Red are the model of consistency and excellence, and they’ll surely bring some excitement to this city.” After Roger Goodell’s speech, fans and members of the Cleveland Browns organization spoke about the decision, and they unanimously supported their relocation. “As Joakim Noah put it, Cleveland really sucks. Even being in jail was better,” said Donte Stallworth, a former Browns player. Browns owner Jimmy Haslam expressed his optimism about his team’s chances of success in Section 4 AA Division 1, the division that the Lil’ Red formerly competed in. “Of the four teams in the division, I’d say that with our current roster, we’re the second or third best. We have no chance of beating Elmira-Southside, but we could pull out an occasional win against a team like Horseheads.” He also noted that incoming IHS ninth graders would be a “huge improvement” over the Browns’ re-
cent free agency acquisitions. The Browns’ relocation came as a surprise to many high-profile fans, but many have expressed their support over social media. “Let’s go for two wins this season #striveforgreatness #golilred,” tweeted LeBron James, who is rumored to have interest in joining the Lil’ Red after his contract with the Cleveland Cavaliers expires. Similarly, another Browns fan, former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, was also ecstatic about the move, comparing it in significance to the threat of the Axis of Evil. The decision to move the Lil’ Red to Cleveland has also been well-received by players and coaches of the team. “Like the Browns, we also didn’t win a game this season, but we played fewer games than the Browns, so we’re clearly the better team,” said Myles Peppers ’20, a player for the Lil’ Red. “The Lil’ Red should be able to win some of the easy matchups this year. The Jets, the Dolphins, and the Cardinals games should be pretty competitive, even for one of the worst high school teams in New York,” said pop-culture commentator Joshua “J.T.” Stone ‘20, a trusted source for IHS news. “I’m really excited for the opportunity to play against the best players in the world,” said another member of the Lil’ Red, who asked to remain anonymous. “However, I am really disappointed to be moving to Cleveland. I imagine that the entire city looks and smells like the bathrooms in the E-wing, and the thought of that is honestly depressing. Why couldn’t we have swapped places with the Jets?” Perhaps the most intriguing aspect of the move is the over $200 million that the Lil’ Red
will receive annually. When asked about where the funding will go, given that his players will remain unpaid, Lil’ Red Head Coach Kelly Gordon was quick to give an answer. “How do you think ICSD replaces Chromebooks? I don’t know how they’ve done it so far, but they need to get the money somehow. Our entire budget will support the district’s technology program.” Overall, the decision to swap the Browns and the Lil’ Red is one that will have benefits for both sides. The Lil’ Red will be a less embarrassing, more cohesive team for the city of Cleveland, and while expectations are low, the Browns can win a game or two for IHS.
5
April Fool’s
IMAGES PROVIDED
These two men are actually one and the same.
UNMASKING IHS’S HEADMASTER:
PROFESSOR TRUMBLEDORE By Rita Skeeter
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miraculously reincarnated Albus Dumbledore has come to Ithaca to realize his “lifelong dream of returning to the Muggle world and observing Muggles in their natural habitat.” Who is he? None other than our own principal, Mr. Trumble. Now, students may prefer to refer to the man as “Professor Trumbledore.” The Tattler learned of Mr. Trumble’s true identity through a secret informant. However, once Tattler staff learned of his alter ego, many occurrences around the school began to fall into place. And the rhyming name isn’t the only tip-off about Mr. Trumble’s secret identity. Take a close look at him, and you’ll see that though he may have shaved his beard and his long white hair in order to disguise himself, he has Dumbledore’s unmistakable twinkling eyes. He often wears a long coat that is reminiscent of Dumbledore’s flowing robes. And though he may not sport Dumbledore’s characteristic half-moon spectacles, we all know that Dumbledore just wore them to look wise and could have fixed his eyes with magic if he had really wanted to. Stripped of his flowing locks, “Albus” (which means “white”) was no longer as fitting a name for Professor Trumbledore. Instead, he took on the name “Jason,” which means “healing,” to represent how he healed himself and started a new life in Ithaca. Upon hearing the truth about their principal—or headmaster—many IHS students shared the same question: “Why Ithaca?” However, upon close inspection of our school, the answer is clear—Professor Trumbledore was clearly attracted to our school because of its colors, red and gold. Dumbledore always favored Gryffindor and, being a member of the house
himself, feels quite comfortable in the “home of red and gold.” The presence of longtime math teacher Severin Drix was another reason that Professor Trumbledore decided to settle in Ithaca. In the era of Harry Potter, he clearly liked to have Severus Snape by his side, so he was soothed by the reassuring presence of the similarly-named Severin Drix (though the similarities between Severus Snape and Severin Drix stop, for the most part, at their names). Additionally, few students realize that Professor Trumbledore may be a major contributor to the success of Ithaca’s Wizarding Weekend, which has taken place in the fall since around the time he assumed leadership of Ithaca High School. While several Muggles have been the main organizers of the highly popular event, Professor Trumbledore undoubtedly helped to breathe some magic into it, supporting his goal of having Muggles and wizarding folk live peacefully side by side. Finally, Professor Trumbledore has started to implement some practices that he hopes will make IHS more like Hogwarts, though he is a bit limited by the students’ lack of magical ability. Establishing the “four core values” was a clear nod to the house system in place at Hogwarts, because each core value represents one of the four houses. Compassion is certainly a core value for caring Hufflepuffs, while responsible and clever Ravenclaws are proud to take ownership of their own work. Gryffindors clearly live by integrity, and Slytherins exhibit remarkable tenacity in getting what they want. With the four core values, Professor Trumbledore hopes to unite the spirit of all four Hogwarts houses here at IHS.
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April Fool’s
Student Arrives Tardy, Administration Cancels Graduation By A Sad Super-Super-Senior
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n March 5, seniors weren’t surprised to see that H-Courtyard had been closed off yet again. A yellowish crumpled piece of paper taped haphazardly to the back of a chair notified seniors that the courtyard would be unavailable for a week because a single student had unwittingly brought a granola bar into the area. The unfortunate student recounted the tale to Tattler staff. “I had an old granola bar in my backpack that I hadn’t seen since freshman year,” said the student, who preferred to remain anonymous. “As soon as I stepped into H-Courtyard, the granola bar fell through a hole in my backpack and landed on the floor. Attracted by the sound of a food wrapper, Mr. Trumble swooped in out of nowhere to yell at me for bringing food into H-Courtyard.” The student did, however, take ownership of the situation, stating, “I suppose it was really my fault. After all, we’ve been reminded all year that we can’t eat in H-Courtyard.” This instance of collective punishment is just one example of an alarming trend that has been developing at IHS. For example, many students have noticed how teachers respond particularly aggressively to cell phone usage in class. One student described an incident that occurred last week. “On Wednesday, one person in my class took out his phone to check the news,” he said. “My teacher looked as if she had seen a ghost, and proceeded to wrest the phone from my classmate’s sweaty grasp. She spent the remaining thirty minutes of class time collecting everyone else’s phone and lecturing us about how Chromebooks are the true tools of the future.” Another student who witnessed the incident said, “My friend in the class doesn’t even have a phone, but our teacher was convinced she was lying because ‘kids these days are all addicted to technology.’ She ordered the girl to bring in a phone the next day under threat of failing the whole class, so my friend went out and bought one from Best Buy.” Teachers and administrators were especially militant on March 9, which was planned as an initial date for Senior Skip Day. Many teachers warned their students that the consequences for missing class on that day would be severe. As a result, every senior made a special effort to come to school, even if they were feverish, coughing violently, vomiting, and otherwise obviously contagious with the flu.
However, one student ruined it all for the seniors who tenaciously attended school on March 9. That morning, the anonymous student had a life-threatening allergic reaction to tree nuts when he was eating breakfast at home. He was rushed to the hospital and received appropriate treatment, but missed an entire day of school. By the time he returned on the following Monday, his symptoms had disappeared—and so had the senior class’s hopes of having a senior prom. They had already been informed that, because one student had skipped on Senior Skip Day, senior prom would be canceled. On March 14 came the straw that broke the camel’s back. A senior, coming from band, stepped through the door to her Spanish class a full seven seconds late. “It’s not fair!” the student protested, sobbing and still out of breath from her treacherous journey across the quad. “How are we supposed to walk from Kulp all the way to K-building in five minutes? I was trying to run but I kept dropping all the folders and binders that each of my teachers says I need to bring to school every day.” Her jeans were still soaked up to the knees from her efforts wading through the snow that hadn’t quite posed enough of a threat to result in a snow day. “It would be so much easier if our buildings were actually connected and we didn’t have to walk outside in freezing weather!” she said. The next day, seniors found out that graduation had been canceled, and that they would all be held back a year. “Arriving late to class is unacceptable,” Mr. Trumble informed what was now the class of 2019 during an emergency assembly. “You’ve been at IHS for four years. Many of you are 18 years old—you’re about to become adults. What do you think your boss will say if you arrive to work seven seconds late?” The staff members in Student Services are currently working hard to put together schedules for the new super-seniors. IHS is looking to hire many new 12th-grade teachers to accommodate the doubling of the senior class. Meanwhile, the super-seniors are still trying to come to terms with their new situation and the harsh reality of collective punishment. At least this time, it wasn’t for one student who screamed in H-Courtyard after winning a game of Fortnite. 3
April Fool’s ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO TATTLE
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Juvenile Lion ’19 Isaiah Gutman ’19, pictured left, made history for ICSD when he scored an impressive 32 on the prestigious Academically Competitive Test (ACT). IMAGE PROVIDED
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Local Boy Honored for Receiving 32 on ACT
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CSD held its annual Spring Commendation ceremony on March 13, 2018 in Kulp Auditorium. Among recipients of certificates and awards were the maintenance workers of the district, third graders from Northeast Elementary School, and a basketball player. Attendees were surprised to hear Dr. Luvelle Brown announce that a certificate would be awarded to Isaiah Gutman ’19 for his performance on an unofficially administered Academically Competitive Test (ACT). According to Dr. Brown, Gutman scored an impressive 32 on the practice exam, what Gutman himself characterized as a big improvement. “I could have done better on Science, since I got a 27, but I was really pleased with my 33 on Reading. I think this means I have a chance at getting a 30 on the actual ACT!” Sources close to the Commendation Committee have reported that Gutman was nominated after his teacher, Mr. Kirk, overheard him bragging about his score during a test. “His classmates all seemed super impressed by it. I think they have a hard time imagining a number that high,” Mr. Kirk said. For days after the ceremony, IHS juniors and seniors could not stop talking about Gutman’s performance, likening it to the Golden State Warriors’ play in the first four games of the 2016 NBA Finals and the New York Yankees’ dominance in the first three games of the 2004 ALCS. However, not everyone was so appreciative. “They really give out trophies for everything nowadays, huh?” said one student. “If it were up to me, I’d only give out trophies to people who deserve it—the guys who show up first to the tutor’s office and leave last, those guys without the natural intelligence but who work hard to get a respectable score. No more of these participation trophies!” Gutman, who has made an effort to mention that this was only his fourth practice test ever, not counting the 30 single sections he took, did not show up to school on March 16. Rumor has it that he sold his trophy for an SAT fee waiver.
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GETTING TYPE LAID SINCE 1892 April Fool’s 2018 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 125 #8 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 North Cayuga Street, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE
Student Arrives Late, Administration Cancels Graduation Page 3
Page 6
Page 2
SUES FUN FACT OF THE DAY
RECEIVES 32 ON ACT
MOCK TRIAL
LOCAL BOY
VIOLENT REVOLT ROCKS IHS Page 7