February 2014

February 10, 2014 • Estd. 1892 • Vol. 122 #1 • Published Monthly • www.ihstattler.com Ithaca High School, 1401 N. Cayuga St, Ithaca, NY 14850 • FREE

Staff Lacks Diversity; Green May Be Most Important Color IMAGE: AUDREY KAN

What do all of these teachers have in common?

By RUBIN DANBERG-BIGGS

IHS and ICSD face an extremely serious problem concerning the lack of diversity of their teaching staff.

Before getting into the specifics of the issue, it is probably best to begin by explaining why it is a problem.

Though we are a country in which 73 percent of the population of children is white, we are taught by a teaching force in our public schools that is 83

percent white. A difference of ten percentage points may not sound huge, but remember that this is a difference of 330,000 teachers.

Some may wonder why the race of a teacher is important to the success of the teacher’s students, and on an intellectual level, it certainly is not. However, many studies have shown that the ability of a teacher to be a relatable and positive role model is extremely important to the success of the teach-

er’s students. According to Dr. Leslie Fenwick of Howard University, “The elimination of black teachers from the classroom would not only be an economic loss for those educators, but a disservice to their students.”

In a recent study performed by the Journal of Public Administration Research and Theory, a connection was found between an increased number of African-American teachers and Continued on Page 7.

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

Editorial Hammering in a Screw: The H-Courtyard Problem For such a small space, H-Courtyard seems to have a disproportionately large number of issues associated with it: the malicious locking of the iPads, attempted iPad thefts, prohibited eating, and yes, even handball. Of course, many of these issues are not entirely unexpected; they are simply the logical outcomes of mixing a headstrong yet largely apathetic senior class with a lack of effective supervision.

The problem stems from a combination of lax enforcement of unrelaxed rules in what is supposed to be a relaxed environment, largely because of confusion over the actual purpose of H-Courtyard. If the purpose of H-Courtyard is to provide a place for seniors to relax, then why are the rules there more stringent than the rules in the library? If the purpose is to act as a technological showcase for the school, then haven’t we already failed at that goal, given that the iPads have already been removed?

In response to the issues in H-Courtyard, the administration shut down the courtyard temporarily—as in the case of the indoor handball—or removed things from the courtyard completely—as in the case of the iPads—rather than trying to address the actual problems. Even though the courtyard has since been reopened, H-Courtyard supervisors continue to use the threat of reclosing the courtyard as an enforcement mechanism against even minor offenses.

The administration is frustrated by the issues in the courtyard, as are large swathes of the senior class. However, because of the inability or lack of will to keep H-Courtyard adequately supervised, the administration chose to punish the entire senior class for the actions of only a few, a system of enforcement that dates back to ninth-century England. Centuries before the Norman conquest, the English had such a disorganized system of law enforcement that they had to assign peasants to groups of a hundred that were responsible for each other. Each group was required to catch lawbreakers in its own group and turn them over to the authorities; otherwise, the entire group would be punished.

Perhaps the administration hoped that The Tattler is the student-run newspaper of the senior class would begin to enforce Ithaca High School. It was founded in 1892 the rules of the courtyard themselves, and is published monthly. but uncontrolled mob rule didn’t really work in ninth-century England, and it As an open forum, the Tattler incertainly won’t work now. There needs vites opinion piece submissions and to be a more systematic approach. letters to the editor from all comThe solution is simple: transfer the munity members. Drop off submisrights and responsibilities of H-Courtsions in E25 or email them to: yard to the senior class government, or editor@ihstattler.com at least give the senior class more input into the decision-making process.

Allow them to create their own rules, Mail letters to: and then expect them to enforce those The IHS Tattler rules. Any additional mess generat1401 N. Cayuga St. ed by the transfer of responsibility, if Ithaca, NY 14850 there even is any, could easily be solved by the ample number of volunteers in The Tattler reserves the right to edit all submisNational Honor Society; they’ve been sions. Submissions do not necessarily reflect sent out throughout our communithe views of editorial staff. ty, so let’s have them improve our Continued on Page 11.

2013–2014 Editor-in-Chief

Rubin Danberg-Biggs ’14 editor@ihstattler.com

News Editor

Rex Lei ’14

news@ihstattler.com

Opinion Editor

Elie Kirshner ’14 opinion@ihstattler.com

Features Editor

Jensen Lo ’14

features@ihstattler.com

Arts and Entertainment Editor

Emily Scarpulla ’14 arts@ihstattler.com

Sports Editor

Chris Skawski ’14 sports@ihstattler.com

Penultimate and Back Page Editor

Conor Coutts ’15 backpage@ihstattler.com

Copy Editor

Aryeh Zax ’14 copy@ihstattler.com

Photography Editors

Audrey Kan ’14 Naomi Powers ’14 photo@ihstattler.com

Layout Editor

Owen Zhang ’15 layout@ihstattler.com

Business Manager

Aleksa Basara ’14 business@ihstattler.com

Advertising Manager

Tracy Lai ’14 ads@ihstattler.com

Webmaster

Julian Eng ’14 web@ihstattler.com

Distribution Managers

Carrie D’Aprix ’15 Steven Stover ’15 distribution@ihstattler.com

Faculty Advisor

Deborah Lynn advisor@ihstattler.com

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

Editorial Pro–AP Courses for Freshmen Advanced Placement (AP) courses have long been the focus of many high-achieving students. At a recent presentation to the families of incoming freshmen, IHS Social Studies Department chair Keith Thompson introduced plans to allow next year’s freshmen to take a freshman-only AP World History (APWH) class, the first of its kind at IHS. Controversy surrounds this plan because APs are fast-paced college-level courses that some have deemed too rigorous for freshmen, who need time to adjust to high school. Others fear that allowing younger and younger students to take APs would create an unnecessarily competitive and stressful school environment. While AP courses are certainly not appropriate for most freshmen, a limited number of APs should be available to freshmen who are not challenged by existing courses or are highly interested in certain subjects and wish to explore them in-depth immediately upon entering high school. With the correct combination of appropriate course prerequisites, proper course instruction, and student motivation, offering freshman APs would promote equality of opportunity at IHS and could be highly rewarding to students.

Parents might be reluctant to enroll their children in APWH because they are unsure whether the course would overwork them. While APWH and other freshman-only APs offered in the future will be difficult, they need not cause unnecessary stress if proper prerequisites are established. IHS has done just this for APWH: incoming freshmen will only be eligible for the course if they receive approval from their guidance counselor (along with recommendation from their eighth-grade social studies teacher). And a freshman who ultimately enrolls in an AP can discontinue taking it if it proves too difficult.

Others believe that offering APs to freshmen supports a trend that sees younger and younger students taking APs and creates an environment in which younger, often inexperienced students are pressured to think about the future when selecting courses, all in order to “keep with the competition”. This trend will undoubtedly affect some students negatively. Overall, however, schools possessing AP resources should not deny a minority—middle schoolers prepared to take challenging courses from the outset—the opportunity to take APs just because the majority of students is not prepared. The AP system should be viewed as a natural extension of the existing Regents–Honors progression. It should be available at all grades to students who are, in the words of the College Board, “curious, creative, and committed”.

In fact, the national trend towards offering advanced courses to younger and younger students would not change regardless of whether IHS offered freshman APs; by not offering them, IHS would only be placing its high-achieving freshmen at a disadvantage to high-achieving freshmen at schools that offer freshman APs. (Not to mention that the trend itself is characteristic of a society based on free competition: progress inevitably occurs, and those who do not push the envelope fall behind those who do. Instead of resisting this trend, schools should embrace

the equality of opportunity associated with it.) In other words, by offering freshman APs, IHS is not necessarily promoting the trend, but is granting individual freshmen the freedom to select previously unavailable courses.

The benefits of freshman APs and of APs in general are significant. In a practical sense, taking and performing well in AP courses, especially from a young age, indicates to colleges that students are motivated and can accept and overcome challenges, indications that are very relevant in our increasingly competitive world. Furthermore, many colleges award credits to students who perform well on AP final examinations. For a passing exam score and an $89 exam fee (from which low-income students are exempt), many AP students can save the money that they would otherwise need to spend on costly college course fees and class materials. Having completed some college-level courses in high school, AP students can then explore courses of greater complexity in college.

More importantly, since APs are designed to simulate college courses, AP students become especially well-prepared for higher-level education; for freshmen, taking an AP means getting a head start on developing higher-level learning habits. Most importantly, APs provide the mental stimulation to those students—regardless of grade—who feel that standard classes are too dull or simple.

At the very least, taking APs allows students to explore and test their limits. For freshmen who ultimately take but perform poorly in an AP, taking the course still serves as a valuable indicator of how they need to adjust their work habits or reevaluate their capabilities and interest in the subject. And since they took the course in freshman year, the consequences of poor performance are much less severe than if they had performed poorly in the course in junior year, when grades are much more important. Freshmen who ultimately take and succeed in an AP course distinguish themselves from other freshmen in yet another way. All freshman AP students, regardless of course performance, would be better prepared for the more rigorous APs typically offered only to upperclassmen and even for classes in college.

Lastly, all incoming freshmen and their families should fully understand the new resources available to them: APWH and similar future offerings should not be courses taken exclusively by privileged freshmen whose parents understand the course system well enough to enroll their children into the best classes they can handle. Since incoming freshmen are generally less sure of what courses they want to take, they will likely follow their parents’ advice. By ensuring that all parents know the benefits and drawbacks of APs; how each AP compares with its Honors and Regents counterparts; and whether their student is eligible for fee waivers, IHS can guarantee that freshman APs do not become yet another vehicle for inequality.

Thus, in the interest of promoting equality of opportuniContinued on Page 12 (includes signatures).

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

Editorial Anti–AP Courses for Freshmen We have made a serious mistake, and it needs to be corrected. Beginning next year, freshmen will be able to take AP World History (APWH) instead of Regents or Honors Global History 1. The damage this new class will cause stems directly from the two specific problems it attempts to solve. The first is the concern that top students in our school are not being challenged, and the second is the idea that freshmen need a more efficient way to distinguish themselves when they apply to college.

As for the first, sure, some students may not be challenged by their Honors Global course, but is the solution not simply to improve the course? There is an insidious and pervasive school of thought in the United States that the only way to improve public education is to give students access to private education. We offer vouchers to attend private schools and ask the College Board—a private, for-profit organization—to provide our students with the most challenging courses. If a course is weak and is not challenging students, then the answer is not to create another course, but to improve the existing one. It may be that our standards for Honors courses have diminished, but this is simply an indication that the standards need to be improved and the courses bettered.

This does not mean that all AP courses should be done away with (the age of the student taking the course is very important); there are some AP courses that are not, like APWH, more difficult replacements of high-school courses, but actual college courses (AP Calculus, AP Statistics, etc.). Still more are points along a progression that requires the student to take high-school-level courses in the same subject before moving up to the AP class (as is the case with AP language and science classes). By asking the College Board to provide us with a challenging global history course to replace what we currently have for qualified students, we further set the precedent that we are either incapable or unwilling to challenge our top students without the help of an outside body. Adding this course is yet another step towards giving up altogether on the idea that public education can be efficient and effective for everyone.

Moving to the second perceived problem, we run into a trend that may be more dangerous than the one previously mentioned. The primary strategy for improvement employed by every level of school, be it elementary, middle, or high school, has been to make each level more like the next level. So the latter years of elementary school become more like middle school, which in turn becomes more like high school, and now high school becomes more like college. To a certain extent, this is fine, and pushing students who are capable of being pushed is great, but there is a point at which it goes too far. When John, an eighth

grader, feels as though he needs to be ready to take a college-level history course or else he will fall behind, we have reached that point. There is absolutely no way for a 13-year-old to be sure that he will be capable of keeping up with college-level work within a year. Unfortunately, by adding APWH, the district has put John in a position in which he will fall behind if he is not yet ready to deal with college-level-course workload.

Where he has fallen behind is not in a course progression, but in the eyes of colleges. Most students do not yet realize it, but choosing whether to take an AP course offered to them in freshman year impacts their ability to get into certain schools four years later. Now, should the courses taken in ninth grade have any bearing whatsoever on the assessment of a student by a university? Absolutely not. But we know it does, and we cannot ignore that.

What we can do is take control of our own system and make it more difficult for any college to pass judgment on students based on what they did during freshman year, a time we know to be close to irrelevant. AP courses are a nationally standardized way of determining the rigor of a course taken and the weight of the grade received in it, so by avoiding these courses in the early years of high school, we muddy the distinctions between certain courses to those looking from the outside.

We need to allow the apathy that defined the first 15 years of a child’s life to be drowned out by the passion and motivation that defined the next three. We need to allow the student who does not know she wants to go to Princeton until she is 15 to have an equal starting point as the student whose parents knew they wanted their son to go to Princeton five years earlier. It is rare for eighth graders to go into their course-selection meetings understanding the long-term implications of their course selections, so what we end up with is parents who understand the system guiding their children through it.

It is at this point, with APWH already printed in the 2014–2015 Program of Studies, that we ask the district, the high school, and the student body to make a change. Do not allow our school to go the way of so many American high schools: divided into one group of overly stressed “high achievers” and another, much larger group of students robbed of their right to a high-quality education simply because they missed the boat. We are talking about very large and systemic problems, and as a school, we cannot control the general trends in US education, but what we can do—what we must do—is take control of the little piece of it that we have.

Rubin Danberg-Biggs Audrey Kan Elie Kirshner

Naomi Powers Emily Scarpulla Chris Skawski

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February 10, 2014

AP Spanish Literature: Coming to a High School Near You!

BoE Hears Back from Mentorship Program, and the Tattler’s Rising Star

By CARRIE D’APRIX

By JULIAN ENG

AP Spanish Literature, taught by the formidable Lana Craig, will be offered by the high school next year.

True to its name, it will have a strong focus in literature from Spain, Latin America, and the United States.

The course most resembles AP Literature and Composition; students will be required to read, analyze, and discuss the works of various Spanish authors. Obviously, unlike AP Lit, all essays, analyses, and explications will be in Spanish.

AP Spanish Literature is different than the currently offered AP Spanish Language and Culture class. The latter focuses primarily on building reading ability, grammar usage, speaking skills (both conversational and presentational), and writing skills while taking brief forays into literature. The former assumes prior knowledge of the language and focuses entirely on literature, using previously developed skills to interpret various texts.

“There are students who finish AP Spanish Lang as juniors, and there are those who could do both options and therefore get more college credits, and a good high school such as this one offers as many possibilities as it has faculty to teach them,” noted Lana Craig, our current AP Spanish teacher.

AP Spanish Literature will cover eight Spanish texts from different time periods and emphasize six themes: las sociedades en contacto (societies in contact), la construcción del género (the construction of genre), el tiempo y el espacio (time and space), las relaciones interpersonales (interpersonal relationships), la dualidad del ser (the duality of being), and la creación literaria (literary creation). These themes will also be applied to other art forms, including painting, photography, cinema, and music.

Ms. Craig will teach Spanish Lit next year. “The course will be both exhilarating and overwhelming,” she said. “My M.A. is in South American and Spanish Literature, which covers the exhilarating piece; the Continued on Page 9.

The ICSD Board of Education (BoE) held its bimonthly meetings on December 17 and January 14.

Starting in September, there have been multiple cycles of instructional coaching in the district. Several teachers have been trained as mentors to assist other teachers with managing and structuring their classrooms. The trained teachers sit in on other teachers’ classes and later meet with them to help brainstorm: together, mentors and mentees set goals, experiment with strategies, observe changes, and reflect on the progress made. Three sets of mentors and mentees presented their thoughts on how these instructional coaching sessions have helped. All mentees agreed that having another pair of eyes in their classrooms made strategizing for success easier.

Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown is a new addition to the district web site. Students in digital media courses produce this program every other week. In the last ICSD Insider, Superintendent Luvelle Brown and ICSD Director of Transportation Jim Ellis discussed the decision process for canceling school due to weather. In short, a lot of thought goes into the final call.

A woman representing the Read to Me organization filled the Board in on the organization’s upcoming events.

The organization is partnered with the community, which is why its banners can be seen all around Ithaca; its objective is to close the achievement gap in the community by giving children an opportunity to be read to at an earlier age.

The Chief Operations Officer of the ICSD budget, Amanda Verba, spoke about the 2014 budget. Her goal is to establish a clear and predictable budget process that is actively shared with others. Meetings are held with 28 budget developers, all of whom manage a stream of funds. These meetings help ensure collaboration, which will ultimately strengthen ICSD. The proposed budget calendar will be up until May 20.

One of the Tattler’s editors, Conor Coutts ’15, has been elected as a student representative to the BoE. His enthusiastic, sermon-like deliverance of updates to the BoE led Robert Ainslie to tell him that “We look forward to future narratives, Conor.”

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February 10, 2014

NEWS

IMAGE: ICSD

Thoughts from Our Superintendent: Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown about 20 minutes from start to finish (preparing equipment, miking guests, etc.). Steve Cass can speak to the digital production process.

APs Janet Abowd and Tokinma Killins make an appearance on the show.

By REX LEI

New to IHS this year is the English and Digital Media class. At the end of last October, the 14 students in the class started producing Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown, a new TV show, in IHS’s TV studio in F41.

“I think this is great for the students, district, and community,” said Steve Cass, television production teacher. “It allows the students to get valuable experience in producing a show but also allows the district to get information out to the community about what’s going on in the district. The students get to implement what they have learned and apply it to the Inside ICSD show and also their show, Red Eye. This is a 1/2 magazine format show where the students host and also create segments for the show.”

To find out more, I talked with Superintendent Luvelle Brown himself.

Basic Information: What is Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown?

Rex Lei ’14: What is Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown?

Luvelle Brown: Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown is a new show that takes a look inside ICSD. The show is filmed and produced by students in the English and

Digital Media courses in the WRED studio at IHS. RL: Who appears (and who will appear) on the show?

LB: For each show, Dr. Brown is joined by student co-host, Parker Hubbell ’14.

One to two guests are invited to appear on each show. So far, episodes of Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown have featured members of the district’s administrative team, Board of Education Chair Rob Ainslie, ICSD Director of Transportation Jim Ellis, and IHS Associate Principals Janet Abowd and Tokinma Killins.

Future guests may include additional board members, master educators, and other district personnel who help shape the district’s mission to engage, educate, and empower, and its vision of 6,000+ Thinkers.

RL: Who writes the show?

LB: The show is mostly unscripted. Dr. Brown, Parker Hubbell, and Kate Patterson (ICSD communications coordinator) draft questions, and Ms. Patterson informs guests of questions before the show so they are aware of conversation topics ahead of time.

RL: How long does it take to produce one episode?

LB: The filming of each episode takes

Purpose: Why are we producing this show?

RL: How did the idea of doing a TV show at the high school come about?

LB: With the design and build of the new studio, I wished to use this space and opportunity to highlight student work. Along with student creativity and talents on display, this TV show allows for an engaging way to share information about the ICSD. RL: ICSD is heavily involved in technology and the Internet, from accounts in Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube to the ICSD Insider. How is Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown different than these? What does the show add to ICSD’s influence in the community?

LB: Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown provides another way for multiple stakeholders to engage and learn more about the ICSD. We want to make sure that all members of the ICSD community have access to information by providing various forms of media for them to consume depending on preference.

RL: From watching the first episode, I noticed that the show was fairly relaxed.

Was this intentional? If so, why?

LB: The first episode featured members of the district’s administrative team and was meant to introduce this group. As we’ve produced more episodes, the students have gained experience in camera work, graphics, direction, etc.

RL: Where do you see this show in five years?

LB: In the coming years, I anticipate all involved with production (camera operators, editors, hosts, etc.) to become more comfortable with the tools and Continued on Page 7.

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February 10, 2014

NEWS

Staff Diversity Continued from Page 1. a reduction in the number of teen pregnancies in African-American students.

So we have established that this is a problem that the entire nation is facing, but at IHS, the problem is far more present. In the United States, about 14 percent of primary and secondary public school teachers are of color (defined as being of African-American or Latino heritage). This number is low, but at IHS, the percentage is 5 percent. It should be noted that, when this number is restricted only to what we would all think of as a teacher—one who is in the classroom with a lesson plan every day—the percentage shrinks to 2.5 percent. About 33 percent of students in the district and at IHS are of color, and according to the district’s own “Equity Scorecard”, the ratio of the percentage of staff of color to the percentage of students of color is 0.27.

Even though students of color are a minority in the district and in the high school, they are far from adequately represented in the people that teach them every day.

This should not be confused for an accusation that the administrations of the school and district are not trying to achieve greater diversity in their staff, or that they are somehow indifferent to the issue. Racial diversity in the teaching staff is a top priority of the district, but it has not been very successful by all measures. Recruitment efforts have been aggressive, but little progress has been made. Last year, IHS had 20 vacancies to fill, so it offered jobs to 20 people. It has been noted that the majority of teachers who turned down positions happened to be African-American teachers. The question that faces all of us is why?

To begin with, there is an admittedly small pool of teachers of color from which to hire. Only about 4 percent of people graduating with degrees in teaching are of color, and of that 4 percent, 75 percent teach within 60 miles of where they grew up.

This creates a situation in which Ithaca, a town with a Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown Continued from Page 6. process involved with production. In time, I anticipate Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown to be as entertaining and engaging as any show on local or regional television.

Context: How is this show part of the bigger picture?

RL: ICSD has been recently on a stride to incorporate technology throughout the district. How does Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown fit into this?

LB: The school district has committed to providing exceptional opportunities to students that allow for creativity, col-

low African-American and Latino population compared to cities like Rochester and Syracuse, has to make a strong pitch when attempting to hire teachers of color. Especially considering the findings of a recent study done by the Center for American Progress that stated that, though the average national salaries for African-American, Latino, and white teachers are only separated by a few hundred dollars, only 37 percent of African-American teachers and 46 percent of Latino teachers feel satisfied with their pay, compared to 56 percent of white teachers. What is beginning to accumulate is evidence of a job market for teachers of color that is heavily skewed away from schools that cannot offer high salaries.

It is impossible to assign any definitive reason behind the difficulty that Ithaca has had with hiring teachers of color.

However, money is never a bad place to start, and in ICSD, money is something of an issue. In New York State, the average annual salary for public school district employees is $71,069, while in ICSD, this number is $44,978. For those of you keeping score at home, that is a difference of $26,091 every year. Some teachers in Ithaca are certainly well paid, but unfortunately, the way salaries are allocated is not helpful to the recruitment process. Base salaries tend to be fairly low, with regular increases coming every couple years in a salary-step system, so salaries gradually rise as long as the teacher stays in the district. As a result, the average number of years spent in the district of the 31 teachers in the district whose salaries are above the state average is 25. This means that teachers can expect to wait an average of 25 years in our district (if they stay in the same position) before they make the state average for public school district employees.

The district, as well as the school, certainly looks to make headway in this issue, but progress has been slow. There is some evidence to suggest a link between the structure of teachers’ salaries in the district and this particular issue; however, far too many factors enter into play to draw any definitive link.

laboration, and critical thinking skills to be on display. More and more, such experiences require contemporary technology tools to engage young people and allow for the production of artifacts that are indicative of the district’s vision.

Inside ICSD with Dr. Brown requires essential skills that are enhanced using state-of-the-art technology.

RL: ICSD is certainly pushing to be a 21st-century school. What does this mean, in terms of the direction of the district? In short, what’s next?

LB: With a constant focus on student work that promotes college and career readiness, educators in the ICSD will continue to support the implementa-

tion of technology tools that support teaching and learning. More mobile divides (i.e., laptops, tablets), digital curriculum, and online course offerings are some of the technology enhancements that are on the horizon.

RL: When and where can the public view the show?

LB: The show airs every other week on Time Warner 16 in Ithaca on Fridays at 8 p.m. and Saturdays at 6 p.m. and 9 p.m.

Red Eye, the 30-minute magazine-format show produced by students in the English and Digital Media courses at the high school, airs on the alternate weeks. The show is also uploaded to the WRED IHS TV YouTube channel.

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February 10, 2014

NEWS

Next Year: An All-Girls DDP Class IMAGE: AUDREY KAN

dents total), there are only 12 female students. I teach all Project Lead the Way preengineering classes though.

I think the number of girls is higher in our media classes (with Mr. Cass) and in the graphic arts classes such as Graphic Communications and Printing Technology.

AZ: What do the above numbers look like inside of Code Red (CR), which many tech students join?

IK: The numbers are a bit more balanced within CR, but we really try to reach out to girls each year to keep the numbers more balanced. When I say more balanced, I am still only talking about 25 percent female in CR and that might be a slightly high estimate. We have around 83 students on the CR roster this year and I think we have just shy of 20 girls on that roster.

Unlike some of the cast of Duck Dynasty, Mr. Krywe’s big beard doesn’t stop him from being a progressive.

By ARYEH ZAX

The title says it all: starting in the 2014–2015 school year, IHS will be offering an all-girls Design and Drawing for Production (DDP) class.

I sat down with Mr. Krywe, a longtime and beloved tech teacher, to find out more about the new class.

Aryeh Zax ’14: Whose idea was the Girls’ DDP class? How long have people been thinking about it?

Ian Krywe: We, in the Technology and Engineering Education Department (Mr. Breigle, Mr. Sauve, Mr. Cowell, Mr. Cass) have been talking about running an all-female Technology class for about five years now because there is such a deficit of women in our classes. In the fall of 2012, I went to a teacher training in Rochester and met up with another technology teacher from Brockport High School, and he said that his school has been offering an all-female DDP class and it has been a big success; the percentage of female students

in technology classes has increased since it began. That is our goal. Females generally do as well or better than male students in technology classes. They generally tend to be more detail-oriented and meticulous with their work, and those are great traits for science, technology, engineering, and mathematics (STEM) work.

AZ: How many girls are currently involved in tech classes, and what percentage of tech students does that make them?

What are the goals for those two numbers?

IK: I am not certain of the number of girls enrolled in all of the technology classes, but in the five classes that I teach (just shy of 100 stu-

AZ: Will this be a short-term fix (until the numbers meet their goals) or a long-term one? Either way, do you see more girls’ classes coming into existence, either inside or outside of the tech department?

IK: I hope that this is a long-term success (I don’t want to call this a “fix”). I hope that girls sign up for the class and feel more comfortable sharing their thoughts and ideas in class where they might have been shy to do so among a class full of male Continued on Page 9.

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NEWS

February 10, 2014

All-Girls DDP Continued from Page 8. students. Female students have great ideas for solving engineering-style problems; often much different than those of male students, for whatever reason. I really hope this class blows up and is a huge success. I would love to see other all-female technology classes offered. Imagine looking into the Automotive Lab at IHS and seeing 18 female students learning and performing routine maintenance on an automobile. Or, look into the Woodworking Lab and seeing 18 female students designing and building beautiful woodworking projects.

Both of these classes that I just mentioned are predominantly viewed as “guy” classes, but girls should learn these skills and take these classes. I can’t say enough how much the girls that take these classes enjoy them and how well they do. So to make a short answer long . . . I would love to see these classes last for as long as I am teaching at IHS. AZ: How is the new class being advertised? I only heard about it through the Tattler article sign-up

list (though maybe senior men aren’t the target demographic).

IK: The classes are being advertised through school counselors when students sign up for next year’s classes.

Ms. Gray has also been working hard to promote these classes and to find other ways to balance the number of women and men in STEM related classes and activities. Most of the technology and engineering education teachers spent our first two days of Regents week presenting to the eighth grade students at DeWitt and Boynton about the technology classes that are offered at the high school.

The Women in Engineering—DDP class was a heavy focus this year, and I think it was received well by many of the eighth graders.

AZ: What are your own feelings on the new class? Anything to add?

IK: If you are to compare a male and a female student with equal applications for college or a job that is related to a STEM field, the female is going to get accepted ahead of the male. It is not only here at IHS that people are working to balance men and women in STEM work, but the

AP Spanish Literature Continued from Page 5. course syllabus is overwhelming given the wide range of required readings and literary pieces. However, ¡manos a la obra! I hope that there will be enough students for the course to be up and running in the fall.”

Students must concurrently take (or have previously completed) AP Spanish Language and Culture in order to enroll in this course. Students with the required reading and writing skills may pass a qualifying exam to enroll without the prerequisites.

While challenging, AP Spanish Literature offers students the opportunity to take the “equivalent to a 300-level literature survey course” before setting foot in college. Finishing AP Spanish Literature and AP Spanish Language may translate into enough college credit for a minor. Assuming that student survives two periods with Ms. Craig, of course.

entire workforce is experiencing a deficit of qualified women. When I was applying for teaching jobs, I lost out on two positions because I was competing against women with the same qualifications as me. In both cases, the woman was hired. Since I have been working here (nine years), I can’t think of a single female student who went through our PLTW preengineering program who applied to go to school for a STEM major who didn’t get accepted.

Again, I am really excited for this opportunity and I encourage all female students who don’t think getting “their own” class is a good idea to enroll in the course and give it a chance. I think they will have a great time and enjoy the class. After they have taken it, if they still don’t think it is a good idea, then they will be able to more clearly and accurately argue their case as to why it is bad.

Women in Engineering—DDP does satisfy the fine arts requirement for graduation (as does traditional DDP), and upon completion, college credit is available. It’s a great class to take for multiple reasons. I would highly recommend checking it out.

write email editor@ihstattler.com

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

Opinion

Violent Video Games

Innocent

By NAOMI POWERS

By RAYMOND XU

The idea that violent video games are a cause of violence in America has been a sensationalist topic since the late ’90s. Video games cause murder, video games cause school shootings, and you might as well blame global climate change on Grand Theft Auto while you’re at it. Saying that all modern violent crime can be attributed to a single, overarching cause is certainly a way to make headlines sell, but with crime rates dropping as video game sales climb, it is obvious that this appealing association does not exist.

The problem with violent video games works on a deeper level. Not every teen who plays Assassin’s Creed with his buddies on the weekend is going to go shoot up a 7-Eleven next month. However, video games create a culture in which aggression and violence are tolerated, especially as these games are played at younger and younger ages.

The human brain learns best through rewards. We learn to tie our shoes when we get a cookie after making a knot, and we figure out that we should do well in school when we get a gold star on our quiz at the end of the day. However, our brains can also learn things that we don’t necessarily want or even realize.

When you play a first-person-shooter game, a video game in which you, the player, see the virtual world through the perspective of a character who is armed with some sort of weapon, your purpose is to obtain as many points as possible. These points are gained by killing other characters.

More points may be awarded for combos (slice off his head and blow him up at the same time) depending on the game.

The basic setup boils down to a mission: personal gain means violence toward others.

As this cycle of violent task to virtual reward is repeated through video games’ addictive nature, the brain learns to respond automatically with aggression to stressful situations that require quick judgment. Ever notice that you swear more or act less rationally after a round of Mortal Kombat? That’s your subconscious deciding that the best way for you to get what you need to survive is through violent behaviors. The more frequently this loop is repeated through playing violent video games, the more likely it becomes that these effects will shift from having a short-term to a long-term impact on your mental state.

So what does this mean for you? In “Grand Theft Childhood”, a 2008 survey of middle-school boys who had beat up a peer, a full 60 percent had played a video game rated “Mature 17+” for violence and graphic imagery. Bullying Continued on Page 12.

I’ve been playing violent video games since I was five, and I have always enjoyed them. Video games are a great medium to do things we can’t do in real life, such as race karts on Rainbow Road, smash each other in Super Smash Bros.

Brawl, play in professional sports leagues, and, of course, break laws. Killing people in video games, for example, is enjoyed by the public because it’s something you aren’t supposed to do in real life. You can experience a more entertaining and often freeing simulation of real life through video games.

One of the things that makes the gaming experience fun is the understanding that it’s a simulation. I am happy that I killed someone in a game, even though I obviously wouldn’t enjoy killing someone in real life.

If a video game can convince a person to become violent, then that person has other preexisting problems and could be influenced negatively by anything. The responsibility for that influence can’t be placed solely on games. The only people who would be negatively influenced would be those who are already very troubled, and you needn’t withhold a fun game from the public because a very small portion of the population may be negatively influenced.

Another thing we should keep in mind is freedom of expression. Video game creators should have the ability to create any content they please. It wouldn’t make sense to prohibit video games from displaying graphic violence, considering this violence is described and depicted in every single medium: movies, books, plays, shows, music. Nobody is hurt by violent video games, and they are here to stay.

IMAGE: JOSEPH LUNINE

Dangerous

A group of innocent IHS gamers attends Code Red’s Video Game Night.

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

From the Head of Ned: Skills Are Power

Tobacco 21

By NED LAUBER

In November of last year, the New York City (NYC) Council voted to pass a bill that would raise the legal tobacco purchasing age from 18 to 21. Shortly after, NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg signed the bill into law. The law is as simple as it sounds: within city lines, a person under the age of 21 will not be able to purchase tobacco products, including electronic cigarettes. Bloomberg believes that this law will prevent teens from starting to smoke and “will help protect another generation from the ill health and shorter life expectancy that comes with smoking.” Many city residents have spoken against this new law. Some claim that it infringes upon their rights, while others say that it will be ineffective overall. Supporters of the law agree with Bloomberg’s claims and feel that it will improve the overall health of the city.

While I recognize that smoking causes many health issues and that smoking rates should decrease, I feel that this law will be ineffective, lead to increased crime rates in NYC, and negatively impact small business.

According to the Centers for Disease Control, every day, 4,000 Americans under the age of 18 smoke their first cigarette. Of those 4,000, 1,000 become daily smokers. This means that each year, about 365,000 American teens become regular smokers despite laws in place to prevent them from legally purchasing smoking products. These products are either purchased using a fake ID, bought from a store that follows lax policies, purchased from a black market source, or acquired from an older friend. The new NYC law will not prevent these teens from acquiring tobacco products; it will merely cause a larger age pool to break the law in order to acquire tobacco products. This will inevitably lead to an increase in crime rate in NYC. The law will not encourage current smokers who are under the age of 21 to quit smoking; it will merely cause them to find another source for their cigarettes. Instead of purchasing at a local convenience store, people will find black market sources, which are already prevalent in NYC. Not only will the convenience stores lose business from cigarette sales; they will also lose income from the coffees, snacks, and newspapers that many people probably purchase while buying their daily pack of cigarettes.

The only effective method of lowering the average tobacContinued on Page 12.

Children who enter kindergarten today will be competing in a job market composed of many fields that haven’t even been created yet. Even high-school students, by the time they graduate college, will be surrounded by many opportunities unheard of in high school. Still, most public schools do their best to try to prepare students for this unknown future. The problem is that no one knows what the world will look like in ten, 15, or 20 years. By then, Snow Day Calculator might be accurate at least 10 percent of the time, Justin Bieber might have finally hit puberty, and we might have at least one full week of school during January.

A major problem with public education is that it places a much greater emphasis on teaching knowledge than teaching students skills. Google can answer almost any historical question you have, Wolfram Alpha can solve most math problems you’ll face, and I’ve almost completely lost my ability to spell, thanks to spell check. Whether you want to know the date George Washington was born or just what the Flying Spaghetti Monster actually is, you can answer your question in seconds with the help of the World Wide Web. I’m not saying that knowledge is unimportant. Having a solid base of knowledge is certainly a very important part of being a successful human being. However, facts that you learn in high school now may not be relevant by the time you’ve graduated from college. You will be much better prepared for life if you focus on learning skills: the ability to learn new things, manage your time, prioritize, and think outside of the box. With the right skills, you can quickly learn the knowledge you need. If you are well equipped with skills, you will be able to succeed at almost anything you want to do.

So, as a student, when you next sit down to write a paper on why you shouldn’t walk on ice, or prepare a presentation about how to get $70 worth of free downloads from Amazon, don’t think about the actual facts you are learning. In 20 years, ice won’t exist anymore and Amazon will have an unbreakable security system. Instead, focus on making sure you are learning the skills that you need in order to survive in the world no matter what you choose to do.

Editorial Continued from Page 2. school, too. All of these problems with H-Courtyard ultimately boil down to a single simple problem: the senior class is not taking responsibility for rules that they did not create. The administration is unable or unwilling to punish

By CHRISTINA CONSTAS

the individuals who are causing problems and instead punishes the class as a whole. Giving the senior class direct responsibility for the care of the courtyard, rather than trying to coerce them through punishment, may be a better solution. If the senior class is unable to meet the challenge, then a more targeted

punishment may be more effective, such as closing H-Courtyard during the period in which the individual offending seniors are extra troublesome. Cruder solutions, like closing down H-Courtyard for entire days, are like hammering in a screw: it works, but with a little finesse, we can achieve far better results.

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February 10, 2014

OPINION

Tobacco 21 Continued from Page 11. co use in the United States is to alter the perception in the media and increase education. The media have created an image around smoking that ranges from rebellious to glamorous. Many teens are heavily influenced by this image and aspire to these ideals. The use of smoking in the media also normalizes the drugs, and often separates tobacco from the negative health risks that it poses. The health risks caused by tobacco should be taught more specifically and in more focus during teen health education classes in order to decrease the next generation’s smoking rate.

Anti–Violent Video Games Continued from Page 10. rates among adolescents aged 12–18 rose 17 percent between 1999 and 2007.

Although we may not consciously realize it, violent video games have the ability to affect our decision-making skills greatly. Would you want that potential for violent behavior working quietly inside your head? I don’t think so.

IMAGE: MIKE POWELL

Why I Hate the Winter Olympics

See? Tights and ice don’t mix.

By RUBIN DANBERG-BIGGS

Hate may be an overly strong word, but the Winter Olympics is decidedly average. Hockey was interesting when we almost beat Canada, ski jumping is ridiculous, and luge is the coolest thing since Oxford commas, but on the whole, the Winter Games doesn’t hold a candle to its warmer counterpart. I should mention that I am not alone in my dislike: the 2012 London Olympics averaged seven million more American viewers per night than the 2010 Vancouver Olympics, a 29 percent increase.

There are a few reasons for my distinctly American distaste for the Olympics’ colder half. I suppose it begins with the stories. As much as we like seeing cool things done by freakish athletes, we truly love seeing cool things done by freakish athletes whose rise to success deserves a movie: the Jamaican sprinter who practiced on a dirt road and the Kenyan marathon runner whose success is attributable to his training with the minuscule Kalenjin tribe in rural Africa. (A quick side note, the dominance of this tribe in distance running over the rest of the world is laughable. There have been only 17 American men to ever run a marathon in less than 2:10, while 32 Kalenjin men did it in October of 2011.) Back to the point, these stories are characteristic of the Summer Games. Due to a combination of the cost required to train in a large number of Winter Games— such as downhill skiing, cross country skiing, ski jumping, luge,

and bobsledding—and the generally greater overall affluence of nations whose climates support winter sports, these stories will be far more rare in Sochi. It is far more likely that you hear the inspiring story of Francis who, every morning, got in his father’s range rover and drove to the nearest ski lodge where he trained tirelessly, only breaking for cocoa. Now don’t get me wrong: made-up-Francis is an incredible athlete, whose true perseverance was rewarded with the highest honor in his sport, but his story does not move many people to their feet, and certainly is not good television.

It being Winter is kind of a big deal as well. To begin with, the Summer Games have nearly three times as many sports as the Winter ones (41 to 15). Winter is the season during which bears (bears—giant, fur-covered bears!) go to sleep because they can’t find enough food or reliable shelter to live, so creating an entire Olympic games for activities that can be done outdoors in winter puts a bit of a strain on the overall game count. As a result of this low game count and cold weather requirement, only 70 nations participated at Vancouver, while in 2008 Beijing hosted around 200.

Fewer nations to root for (and against), fewer games to watch, and less interesting athletes competing makes the Winter Olympics a bit of a let-down. But listen, it’s certainly not all bad. A gold medal for the US men’s hockey team would be the biggest place-putting we’ve given Canada since . . . well, the French and Indian War isn’t really a good example because it wasn’t really Canada and it wasn’t really us and there were Native Americans involved, so let’s just say it would be a big deal. Let’s also not forget that anything that makes Russia release a few dissidents and ease up on its gay-bashing for a few months is a good thing.

Now if we could only get an Olympics to Uganda. . . .

Editorial Continued from Page 3. ty; integrating stimulating courses for high-achieving high schoolers; and providing a better educational environment with more course options, IHS and other schools that possess the resources to create freshman AP programs should never shy away from at least experimenting with such programs.

Owen Zhang Conor Coutts Julian Eng

Tracy Lai ,Jensen Lo Aryeh Zax

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February 10, 2014

Teacher Feature: Steve Weissburg IMAGE: AUDREY KAN

By OWEN ZHANG

Called “Steve” by his students and known for his flannel shirt–jeans-Converse combo, emphasis on independent thinking, and what one student calls his “unstoppable brainpower”, Steven Weissburg is one of the most distinctive math teachers at IHS. Many admire him for his clear, intuitive teaching and honesty with students. I interviewed Steve to learn more about him and his teaching philosophy.

Owen Zhang ’15: Where did you grow up / go to school?

Steve Weissburg: Niles North High School in a suburb of Chicago.

OZ: What was your family like? Has the way you were raised influenced the way you teach or raise your own children?

SW: I was raised during what I think of as the Age of Disillusionment. All kinds of cracks and seams were appearing in the edifice of American society. Racism, sexism, classism—it was all erupting.

But my parents and I inhabited different planets, so far as I could tell. They wanted to cover up the fissures; I wanted to explore them.

Now, as a parent and teacher, I think above all, I try to be honest with my children and students and treat them as adults. They don’t have to agree with me to have my respect. I think it is important to acknowledge the good and bad.

OZ: What type of student were you in high school? If you could go back in time, would you change the way you acted?

SW: I got into a lot of trouble. I felt every rule was meant to be broken, and Continued on Page 14.

Steve poses in his signature dress . . . along with his beloved Converse collection.

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February 10, 2014

TF: Steve Weissburg Continued from Page 13. all authority undermined. I got good grades, but school did not engage me. It really bugged me that the adults telling me how to live a successful life seemed to be unhappy and hypocritical. I read constantly—literature, essays, newspapers, philosophy. And I liked math because it was the only place where there were absolute truths. Everything else felt like smoke and mirrors, convention or lies. In retrospect, I wouldn’t change anything because it got me where I am now, but it was a painful process. I had to bang my head against a lot of walls.

OZ: How long have you taught at IHS? How have students changed during your time here?

SW: This is my twenty-first year. If I had to generalize, I would say the biggest change is the growing separation between top and bottom students, which is just a reflection of what is happening more broadly in our society. I also see a disturbing trend towards the “super student”, by which I mean students who are so overloaded that they don’t really engage with anything. Oscar Wilde mentioned people who “know the price of everything and the value of nothing”. I see this in a growing number of students who take honors everything, sports, music, etc. But at the end of the day, they are too distracted and exhausted to ponder the deeper questions. These students worry me. The faster you run, the less

you think about where you are going.

OZ: You ask students to call you Steve instead of Mr. Weissburg. Why? SW: It goes back to my own high-school experience. I don’t want anyone to feel compelled to show me respect or consideration as a matter of convention.

When students call me Steve, it reminds me that we are the same. I’m just older— not better and not even wiser. Too much hypocrisy hides behind honorifics.

OZ: Do you like to keep your classes well structured, or do you like to give your students lots of freedom when it comes to planning lessons and activities?

SW: Both. On the first day of school, I have already mapped out every day of the year. I never want to be that teacher who is cramming the last two units into the final week of school. But within any given class period, I try to be flexible and respond to my students. You never know when someone will make an insightful comment or pose a brilliant question.

Those are critical moments that deserve space and attention.

OZ: To what degree should technology be incorporated into IHS classes? How will you adjust your teaching as technology becomes more and more present in the classroom?

SW: I have mixed feelings about technology. On one hand, it has transformed our world. Technology evolves so quickly; I think it is critical for students to be exposed to lots of applications and devices so they can learn to adapt easily. It is a crucial skill for whatever comes after high school. Whatever you are using now will be obsolete in five years. To be marketable, you have to be comfortable using new technology as it emerges. I try to incorporate that into my classes.

That being said, technology is a vehicle, but it is not substance. I think that is a big misconception. Online courses, the new darling of the district, are a good example. No online course will ever deliver the substance of an exchange with Mr. Anderson, or Ms. Craig, or Mr. Drix. And as much as I enjoy technology, my first tool is chalk and slate. You have to understand principles and concepts. Technology can help with

that, but it can’t replace it. Intelligence is developed from within.

OZ: Some students occasionally remark that content taught in higher-level highschool courses is largely irrelevant to their lives, and therefore need not be taken very seriously. Thoughts?

SW: I guess it goes back to the tragedy of the “super student”. Why would someone take these courses? If it is just a check box on your transcript, then you have completely missed the point of education. It is an error to think that only that which is immediately and obviously relevant is of value. You will find yourself in an intellectual cul-de-sac if you only value utilitarian necessities. That is survival thinking, not intellectual growth, and it rarely leads to innovation or creativity.

OZ: What do you hope students will gain from your class and teaching?

SW: More than anything, the ability to think a little deeper and more independently, to learn to identify and challenge assumptions.

OZ: What is one common misconception about math that really bugs you?

SW: That math is about the answer or numbers. The best math occurs when two seemingly valid chains of reasoning yield contradictory conclusions, or when two concepts that seem disjoint are revealed to have the same structure.

OZ: You have made several visits to Africa and other places. When and why did you start traveling, and what is the most valuable thing you have learned from these travels?

SW: I have always had the travel bug.

When I was 13, my cousin and I rode our bikes from Illinois to Minnesota.

Traveling changes your perspective. It makes you challenge your assumptions.

I love going to Africa because it shakes me to the core and makes me think about what it means to be a human.

OZ: What hobbies do you have outside of school today?

SW: I like to garden. I understand plants a lot better than humans. They are more Continued on Page 15.

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February 10, 2014

Winter Formal Preview IMAGE: PROVIDED

By KUPONO LIU

Still dreaming about your last summer soiree? Don’t fret!

Let the IHS dance season begin! Winter Formal 2014, presented by the senior class, kicks off this year’s dance season.

This year’s Winter Formal will take place on Saturday, February 8 at the Museum of the Earth from 8 p.m. to 11 p.m.

Winter Formal is unique since it is IHS’s only all-school dance, where students from all the grades can celebrate together. Winter Formal 2014 will be different from previous editions of this event, since it is in a museum and all the exhibits will be open and accessible to those who attend. People can dance underneath the remains of a whale and see the fossils of many dinosaurs as they venture through exhibits. The color scheme of the museum during this event will mimic the changing arctic landscape. Those in attendance will feel as if they have left Ithaca and have traveled back in time!

The musical entertainment for this event will be DJ Rolling Thunder, who will be playing today’s hottest music, setting up games and activities, and handing out free gift cards to Ithaca’s favorite establishments, while Wegmans catering will provide delicious desserts. Ticket prices are special this year since there are early-bird and regular prices. The regular ticket prices are set at $20 and will be sold in the cafeteria on February 5 and 7. Free and reduced lunch prices also apply for tickets. People can think of their ticket as their way into a fun dance and into an awesome museum.

As usual, students must fill out a dance contract before purchasing a ticket. The school dress codes and conduct still TF: Steve Weissburg Continued from Page 14. logical. And I still noodle on the guitar.

apply for this event: students must dress and act appropriately and respectfully. Parking should not be an issue this year, since the Museum of the Earth will open up its parking lot to all of those with cars, and specific directions will be given during ticket sales.

The Class of 2014 is excited to plan this all-school event and encourages people from all grades to attend. All the funds from this event will go towards the senior trip and the financing of other school activities. So what are you waiting for? Go out and buy yourself a ticket and get ready to enjoy yourself!

point or idea that is antithetical to your own thinking, you have an opportunity to grow, if you are open to it. I like a little prodding of my complaisance from time to time, and students excel at that.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

OZ: What is something that most students do not know about you?

SW: When I am alone, I mutter to myself incessantly.

What do teenagers and dinosaurs have in common?

They’ll both be at a great 2014 Winter Formal!

OZ: What personal achievement are you most proud of?

SW: That I have mostly avoided taking pride in personal achievements.

Favorite subjects in high school: Math and chemistry Original college major: Electrical engineering Most admired mathematicians: Archimedes (he did the most with the least) and Euler (for sheer joie de vivre)

OZ: Where do you see yourself in 15 years?

SW: In my garden, muttering to myself.

OZ: Have you ever had an interaction with someone that has really changed the way you teach or view things?

SW: Above all, it is my students who help me evolve. That sounds trite, but it is true. Anytime someone presents a view-

Fun facts: Siblings: Two brothers; I am the oldest. Interesting fact: there were no females in my generation of my extended family.

Favorite music artist/work: The Who. Quadrophenia is my favorite album. “Won’t Get Fooled Again” is my favorite song—“Meet the new boss / Same as the old boss” says it all.

Steve in his younger years.

Musical instruments, past and present: Guitar and electric bass

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February 10, 2014

Stewart Park: Past and Present IMAGE: BRIDGET FETSKO

By ELENA STUDIER

Maybe you went there when you were young and ran through that kind of sketchy sprinkler, which at the time was pretty much the best thing ever because it was a bajillion degrees out. Maybe you went there for the summer camp and found that, while the view was beautiful, the water was a no-go for swimming. Or maybe you just happened to end up there some sunny afternoon looking for a place to play an innocent game of Frisbee and wound up with goose poop in your shoes for weeks. Yeah, Stewart Park isn’t the most glamorous of places, not by a long stretch.

Rewind about 100 years though and you will find a very different scene. Picture a bandstand lined with fluttering banners, white gravel pathways, heavily manicured gardens, a long pier that receives people from all over the lake by steamboat, and beautiful new buildings that have been built to host dances (Where people actually danced. Without twerking. It was crazy). The most impressive of these buildings was without question the Wharton Studio. The name means nothing to us now, but the Wharton Brothers put out almost 30 films during their time in Ithaca. That’s right, we have waterfalls, bagels and we were the original Hollywood; Ithaca is pretty much the best. Matching that, Stewart Park was also once great. It was a place that the entire Ithaca community could enjoy.

The park is still a place for community, but its current condition could be improved greatly. There are, however, quite a few people in Ithaca making an effort to fix that.

The Friends of Stewart Park Association is, without ques-

Stewart Park can still be beautiful in winter.

tion, the most far reaching of them and works in conjunction with the Ithaca Motion Picture project as well as numerous other community organizations to revitalize our shoreline. There are plans to put a silent film museum up, to repair the dance pavilion, design a new bandstand and, wait for it, get rid of the geese. These organizations are sorely in need of funding, which is scarce everywhere now, so they really cannot do all that needs to be done on their own. They are always looking for volunteers for shoreline cleanups, painting projects, and general manpower. So next time you need those volunteer hours for X club, maybe give your time there.

You can help the park in a much easier way than volunteering though; all you have to do is go there. Part of the reason it has fallen into its current state is because Ithacans don’t really go there, not on the scale they used to anyway. Stewart Park will get the funding it needs when the community proves how valuable it is to them. So go run through that sketchy sprinkler, be a camp counselor, and maybe even brave the goose poop for a game of Frisbee. Every time you go, you make it more worth conserving.

As anyone who does go there can tell you, it really is beautiful, and you are totally missing out.

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February 10, 2014

Teacher Feature: Matthew Holl IMAGE: PROVIDED

By CONOR COUTTS

Matthew Holl is a fascinating human being tasked with teaching and coordinating Academic Intervention Services (AIS) for World Languages. I sat down with the hilarious, T-shirt-wearing polyglot to understand what he’s all about.

Conor Coutts ’15: Who are you?

Matt Holl: Inigo Montoya. You killed my father—prepare to die. I’m Matthew Holl, teacher of French and Spanish, traveler of the world, enjoyer of good food, athlete, poet, writer, philosopher.

CC: Your attire is very informal. Please explain why, and do you think teachers should dress in a formal fashion?

MH: The first seven years I taught, I worked in a school district where formal attire with a tie was required daily.

Friday, you could dress informally if you contributed to a scholarship fund.

I found that I was much more comfortable on those days, so when I came to Ithaca and learned that there was no teacher dress code (as long as we did not violate student dress code, obviously)—that the district was more interested in how we taught and less interested in how we looked—I felt like I’d come home. On a day-to-day basis, I’m more comfortable in my classroom setting and I feel like I deliver much stronger lessons, now that I’m not so stuffy and formal. I think it also breaks down the traditional teacher-student barriers, which makes students more accepting and respectful because it is not thrown in their face that I am “automatically some guy in a tie so you have to respect me.”

Mr. Holl in shades.

CC: What are your jobs at IHS? MH: This year, I am a teacher of two sections of Spanish 1 and am the academic intervention service provider for World Languages. Which means when students fall behind, I pull them out of lunches, study halls—whenever I can— to try to work with them and get them back to passing.

CC: Why do you like languages so much?

MH: I don’t know. Once I first started, they seemed to come pretty easily to me. I like to communicate effectively in other languages; it provides a great opportunity to travel and even though English is a strong influence throughout the world, there are many places that one can go where English is not spoken and you can’t say “Well everybody speaks English” so knowing I can travel to two or three times the places because I speak French and Spanish has always been comforting—obviously I stick out

like a sore thumb because I am an American and that’s clear but at the same time I can blend in a little more easily and thats nice.

CC: You possess a very sardonic sense of humor that is seen constantly- do you ever offend your fellow staff members or your students?

MH: Yes. And there have been times when students have come to me and mentioned it and I take that very seriously; it’s never my intention to offend anyone. It’s more I try to make things funny and relatable and sometimes soften the blow of getting something wrong though humor. I think learning from your mistakes is a much more salient way of learning rather than the old “this is the way to do it and I’m not going to explain why”—but a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, so I try to keep a light tone during class— that leads to humor.

CC: What about technology interests you?

MH: Probably the opportunities it affords in that through technology we can reach out to a much greater, wider audience of recipients of language. Like we could talk to other people much more easily. It also opens up a huge supply of information that is out there through digitized textbooks, as well as any number of websites that are incredibly useful for practicing and/or reference. And most of all: it’s just neat.

CC: What are your favorite French and Spanish words respectively?

MH: I’ve always been partial to the word pumpkin in French, citrouille, because it’s fun to say. For some reason, when I Continued on Page 19.

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February 10, 2014

My Green Team Experience IMAGE: RAYMOND XU

What Green Team has done is admirable; it has taken part in three projects so far. The first was planting trees in Owego, to help the area recover from flooding. The second was volunteer work with Sustainable Tompkins, which involved Green Team members going to the Ithaca airport and talking to people about curbing their carbon emissions. The most recent project was the winter formal dress exchange, where girls could donate dresses to be used by other girls during winter formal. Green Team also has several more projects planned before the end of the year. In an interview with Sarah, she stated that the club was working towards making new compost signs for the cafeteria, presenting at the Sciencenter for young kids, and planting trees on the high school campus.

Because Green Team is a small club, with only about ten members, there’s Shovel-less Tattler writer Raymond Xu was apparently just there to watch. plenty of opportunity to get to know

By RAYMOND XU each other, since each person can have time to talk. The group is laid back and is pretty open to new ideas. That’s I went to the Green Team’s first meeting because there what kept me coming back to the club. The friendly atmowas free pizza. I don’t think I actually paid any attention to sphere was inviting to someone like myself who had never anything anyone said during that first meeting; free pizza, been in a club before and just wanted to stay lighthearted though! I returned punctually to the meeting the next week, and crack jokes. Right now, I can’t think of any squad that and I was met with the harsh reality: there would be no free has my back more than Green Team. Overall, I have had a pizza at that second meeting, nor at any other meeting that great experience so far with the team and I’m glad I could be year. I curled up into a ball on one of the chairs and cried as a part of such an exciting community. the meeting went on without me. After five minutes I decided that I would try to talk to these Green Teamers. After all, my ride wasn’t going to be there for another 55 minutes.

Over those next 55 minutes, I actually started to like Green Team. During the first meeting, I had prematurely judged all the members, especially the president, Sarah Nixon ’14. Her most frequently used words and phrases include “dweeb”, “rock on”, and “fly”. Because of that cringeworthy outdated slang, I decided that I absolutely hated the club during that first meeting. But after I spent more time in it, and paid more attention in the meetings, I realized that there was some appealing discussion going on. The members of the club didn’t just speak in old slang; they said email editor@ihstattler.com many intriguing things too. Even though she’s sometimes a quiet person, Sarah finds her voice in the Green Team, as they work to bring attention to their concerns about environmental destruction. Without Sarah as president, I don’t think that Green Team would even meet; she motivates the team to care about themselves and the community.

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February 10, 2014

TF: Matt Holl Continued from Page 17. was in high-school Spanish 2 and when we got to the travel unit, my classmates and I used to greet each other with the Spanish words for luggage and stewardess, equipaje and azafata. This was very strange. But in the halls we would greet each other by yelling ¡equipaje! We don’t know why we did this, but those Spanish words just to this day are very vivid in my mind.

CC: How should students be taught?

MH: I think that every student learns a little differently. There are things that work with most students and I think taking a look at instruction is pretty vital, so I try to vary it! I’m kind of a estadual guy with my “talk and chalk” kind of lectures, but I try to open it up and make the activities a little bit more communicative, a little bit more enticing, so more of the reluctant students are a little more engaged.

CC: Are you a good teacher?

MH: I like to think I am a good teacher. I know there are things I could definitely improve. I think every year that I have taught, I have learned more about my subject area, so I don’t think I’m by any means perfect, but I think I am approaching the good range and I hope someday to be really good.

CC: What is your greatest moral failure?

MH: During college, I became very fixated on the idea of graduating early. I finished at age 20 and completed college at Ithaca College in three years. So, I didn’t get to do a lot of things I really should have done, such as studying abroad. I think that, if I had studied abroad, my comfort with languages probably would have been put to use incredibly. Instead, my presence abroad has been in shorter experiences. That is a huge regret that I pushed through too quickly academically and didn’t take advantage of things that would have helped me.

CC: What is the best thing you have ever done?

MH: That’s a tough one. For having

kind of stumbled into teaching by default because I graduated with a French degree and “what are you going to do with a French degree?” So, I thought I should teach. It has been a very rewarding decision, and honestly, I can’t see myself doing anything else. This is where I belong. So I think that finding what I wanted to do on the first try was a pretty big decision for me.

CC: Recall a time you have cried and explain why you did.

MH: The biggest one would have to be the death of my paternal grandfather—we were very close. It was after a prolonged illness, so everybody knew it was coming, but that never makes it easy. He was an incredible influence on my life; he was always there for me when I needed something or just advice, like what to plant near something else in my garden or how to rotate my crops in my 10 × 20 garden. He was a great guy, and there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him.

CC: What other jobs do you do outside of school MH: Woo! I own a DJ company with my best friend from high school. We do weddings, parties, bar mitzvahs, etc.

That one kind of started because we both had a lot of music and equipment; a friend asked us to do a wedding one day, and then we realized “we should do this for money”—so we did. I also work at a liquor store part-time a couple nights a week. I work at a catering company taking jobs when they come up— usually bartending. In the summer, I work at Cornell as a visiting lecturer in the Upward Bound program, which is a program for high-school students who are new to Cornell so they don’t fall behind during the summer. The program is geared towards students who are the first in their family to go to college, and we try to give them a little leg up getting into the first semester of school so they don’t have a “lag”. It also monitors some students through the school year and keeps them on track to success. It’s a great program, and I’m happy to be a part of it.

CC: What are your hobbies and why do

you enjoy them?

MH: I bowl—I have for a very long time.

I come from a long line of bowlers—it’s a big thing in my family. I play soccer when I can; I usually am on an outdoor league in the summer and an indoor league in the winter. I read any chance I get, which, during the school year, is greatly diminished because I have a lot of paperwork and am so exhausted by the end of the day (I don’t want to look at things). I love movies—don’t get to go to the movies a lot. However, I watch a copious number of movies at home. I love to cook, but I generally don’t like to cook for one—it’s just a lot of cleanup for one meal—but I love cooking for my roommates and friends. I recently have been enjoying going off-roading in my Jeep. It’s something I have never done before, but I really enjoy it. I also like taking care of it, something that I’m just getting into, too.

CC: Describe your life in one word.

MH: Hectic.

CC: If you could give one piece of advice to graduating seniors, what would it be?

MH: Make the most of your education.

ic,

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Mus

Theater, Mo

&

vies:

Up and Coming: Legally Blonde Elijah Wood continues to be the only successful child star ever.

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug:

A Review

By RENA BRAND

A dark stage. A single spotlight. God’s voice: “If you’re gonna quit, leave now.”

A single shudder runs through the crowd.

This is Legally Blonde’s first full-cast meeting. If you read the article in the Ithaca Journal or are part of the 35-member cast and crew, you already know that the 11-week rehearsal process has begun. Featuring pop-rock beats and valley-girl vibes, this peppy musical screams “Pink!” At first glance, this show, which follows blonde bombshell Elle Woods as she desperately tries to win back her law-school bound almost-fiancé, looks like nothing more than a flirty musical with a sexy lead. However, as Elle follows Warner to Harvard and begins to face challenges on her own, she realizes how much more she has to offer than a pretty face.

This show is directed by the dynamic duo Nathan Parker and Robert Winans, who were also responsible for last year”s How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying and, most recently, Boynton Middle School’s Cinderella.

Continued on Page 24.

IMAGE: NAOMI POWERS

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug is the second installment in The Hobbit trilogy based off the single 300-page novel

by J. R. R. Tolkien. Starring Martin Freeman as Bilbo Baggins, the movie chronicles Bilbo’s journey to the Lonely Mountain in order to reclaim it from the dragon, Smaug. He, along with the band of dwarves and Gandalf, encounter evils such as orcs, giant spiders, and a necromancer. With new characters and old favorites from the original Lord of the Rings trilogy, this movie is a big improvement on the first Hobbit movie.

The movie starts with nonstop action and does not slow down for the entire three hours of running time. It was exciting, but at times it was obvious that the trilogy is based off of a 300page book. Some of the plot seemed unnecessary and drawn out. There are characters in the movie who aren’t even in the book (e.g., Legolas, though it was good to see Orlando Bloom acting again), which led to lots of new made-up plot. Admittedly, the new plot fits in well with the plot from the book, but it does make the movie seem a bit directionless. There are so many open plotlines by the end of the movie, which leaves the question of how everything will be resolved in the next one.

The acting and special effects alone made the movie great.

There was a truly all-star cast with many seasoned actors. Even though some were just voices (Benedict Cumberbatch), every actor was dynamic and they all had great chemistry. The special effects were amazing, but there was a general disregard for physics in all of them. Perhaps it’s just me being weirdly obsessive about such things, but if a dragon were covered with gold in real life, it wouldn’t be able to fly. Gold is heavy.

Overall, I would give this movie four out of five stars. The extraneous plot was a bit annoying and the lack of physics was distracting. The acting made up for the odd plot twists and the action scenes were well worth the money paid to see the movie.

By OLIVIA SALOMON and APRIL CARROLL

Looks good, right?

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Our Students o

s t r A e h t n

Take Ten Theatre Company: A Brief History

By KAI HASKINS

Take Ten started in the winter of 2013 when Brendan Coyle ’14 sent me a Facebook message asking if I would be willing to direct a production of Dr. Horrible’s SingAlong Blog. I happily agreed, and we began production meetings with Molly Westbrook ’14, who was planning to stage manage the show. We held auditions and callbacks and cast the show, then spent several months rehearsing at whatever place didn’t charge us, using a hodgepodge of community spaces: parks, libraries, churches, and even a yoga studio once.

We eventually found a steady “home” in the First Congregational Church of Cayuga Heights, a longtime friend to youth theater companies. After an incredibly frantic and all-too-short tech week, we had two performances on a Friday night. Although there were some mishaps, the show was overall a success, and as a plus featured students from IHS, Lehman Alternative Community School (LACS), and New Roots Charter School (NRCS). The mixing of these three Ithaca school districts feels fairly rare, and as an NRCS student myself with many friends at the other schools, it’s gratifying to see the three groups of students working together for a common goal.

After the success of Dr. Horrible, Molly and I decided (with prodding from Brendan, yet again) to stage a production of Ian Doescher’s William Shakespeare’s Star Wars: Verily, A New Hope. This show was far more intimidating than Dr. Horrible had been, with a hefty two-anda-half hour run time and many complex costumes and sound and light cues.

We held all of our rehearsals at the First Congregational Church. We fronted some money to purchase insurance so that we could use the black box theater at LACS, as well as a number of their costumes. The cast favorite Continued on Page 23.

Allowed under school dress code.

Beyoncé: New Album “Owns up to Pleasure”

By OLIVIA SALOMON

If you’ve interacted at all with pop culture during the past month and a half, you’ve heard about Beyoncé’s surprise release—an eponymous “visual album” (Bey’s words) consisting of 17 videos and 14 songs. The lack of hype provided by Columbia Records and Parkwood Entertainment made for, ultimately, quite a lot of hype; night owl fans shared their findings on various social media sites after obsessively downloading, listening to, and watching the tracks until the wee hours of the morning (Beyoncé > 8:00 bus). Other than a spread on the iTunes homepage December 13 (the day of release), the only advertising Beyoncé herself did was with a vague caption on a 16-second Instagram video (“Surprise!”).

Within three days, Beyoncé had sold 617,213 copies of her album. Within six, one million.

What makes Beyoncé (the album) so good? Why would someone buy it? Aside from the superficial reasons (Beyoncé is hot, Beyoncé is married to Jay-Z, Beyoncé’s make-up game is consistently on point), this reContinued on Page 23.

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February 10, 2014

A&E

Relationship Advice Playlist IMAGE: PROVIDED

By NAOMI POWERS

Floral perfume is in the air, the armies of cupids are massing for their next attack, and Wegmans’s chocolate supplies have increased 400 percent.

All the signs point to one culprit: Valentine’s Day, the holiday of love (aww).

What better way to celebrate your single / in a relationship / it’s complicated status than with a playlist? Take some relationship advice from these songs, and remember: a bite of chocolate releases more endorphins than a kiss.

1. “Jessie’s Girl”: Rick Springfield So here’s your problem: the girl you fancy already has a man, in particular, your main wingman. Your options are limited. Either you just look in the mirror all the time, wondering what she don’t see in you, or you grab your Stratocaster and cue more lens flares than J. J. Abrams. Choose your own adventure, man.

2. “Check Yo’ Self ”: Ice Cube Flirting is essential in starting up steamy textversation with a love interest, but what happens if you push the “hey, i really like you” button too hard? Check yo’ self before you wreck yo’ self, honey. Imagine the other person saying what you want to say. Then imagine Jennifer Lawrence saying it.

Then imagine your creepy coworker saying it. Higher than a 5 on the awkwardly obvious crush scale? Better head for a suavely distanced “K” or “lol”. Because what’s cooler than being cool?

3. “Diet Mountain Dew”: Lana Del Rey If you needed a sign that it’s still socially acceptable to listen to Lana, then this is it. And this is a big deal, seeing as yours truly was over Bon Iver when he was still Mediocre Winter (da dun chhh). Sometimes you have to trust your heart over your head, and accept that even though your darling may be no good for you, love is stronger than fate.

And occasionally Advil. The gospel of the Backstreet Boys tells us that whether it’s wrong or right, it’s giving in to love that makes us happy.

7. “Ms. Jackson”: Outkast Hipsters, you have two months to learn all the Outkast lyrics you can before they start their twentieth, with Andre and Big Boi’s verses bubbling like seltzer against a funky ’90s beat.

The love lesson? Don’t be afraid to suck up to your girl’s parents once in a while.

Kanye, Imma let you finish, but Beyoncé had the best photo ever on page 21.

4. “Cut Your Hair”: Pavement Can’t get your crush to notice you?

A spontaneous, Clueless-style makeover isn’t necessarily your best option.

Sure, you might feel more confident, but after a few more weeks of still not catching his eye, you might start to regret those highlights and wish you’d started up a real conversation instead.

You shouldn’t have to change who you are in order to make someone interested in you. So, that being said, “Darling don’t you go and cut your hair, do you think it’s gonna make him change?”

5. “Bound 2”: Kanye West There are plenty of Shakespeares and Frank Sinatras in this world, but none of them can hold a mic to Kanye West. This track will be a love song for the ages, the “one rap to rule them all”, if you will. Stand outside your sweetheart’s window and serenade them with the knowledge that “one good girl is worth a thousand b***s.” Give it a few years, and you may end up with a little cardinal direction of your own.

6. “Need You Tonight”: The Backstreet Boys Love that lasts takes commitment.

8. “I Wanna Be Yours”: Arctic Monkeys This is just a really great song. What can I say? The Arctic Monkeys are wonderful. But look at that title. Notice anything . . . particularly Valentine’s Day-ish about it? I Wanna Be Yours?

Be Mine? Now you will never see that title in the same way again. I am inside your head. This is Inception. If I tell you not to think about the Arctic Monkeys, what do you think about? Good.

9. “Crazy For You”: Best Coast Love is a complex emotion, but it can generally be boiled down to a mixture of obsession, jealousy, and indescribable joy. In the words of Bethany Cosentino, “Want to hate you but then I kiss you, want to kill you but then I miss you, drive me crazy but I love you, make me lazy but I love you.”

10. “You’re Not the One”: Sky Ferreira Sometimes it’s hard to accept, let go, and move on when things don’t work out with your significant other. We all get stood up, dumped, and left out in the cold at some point. Just remember: you can always come out on top, so long as you remember that you will always be a fabulous winner. So put on your headphones, crank up this song, and strut your stuff off into the sunset.

Access this month’s playlist on YouTube by searching “IHS Tattler Love Playlist”.

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February 10, 2014

A&E Take Ten Theatre Company Continued from Page 21. seemed to be the beat suit Molly bought at a theater’s closing sale, which made an excellent Chewbacca costume.

After a few months of rehearsals, we performed at the LACS black box. Again, tech week was rushed and frantic, but this time we at least had a confident hold on what was going on. Things were slightly hectic for our opening on Thursday night, since we didn’t have a real dress rehearsal, and it was our first full run with lights and sound. We nearly sold (or “suggested-donationed”?) out the theater and had a successful performance.

Friday, however, got intense. We had people begin to arrive for the 7:00 p.m. show at 6:05, and had sold out the theater by 6:40. We set up overflow seating in aisles, and added an extra front row. Kids were convinced to sit on the floor, and many people stood in the aisles when it stopped being plausible for us to add more chairs and leave actors enough room to enter and exit. That night the show was a resounding success, and the cast and crew ate at Manos Diner (quick review: open 24 hours and the service is excellent, especially when you arrive unannounced with 20 teenagers) and celebrated the shared victory.

This spring we plan to do a staged version of The Breakfast Club and potentially The Great Gatsby. After Molly and I graduate this June, we plan to hand leadership of the company down to juniors or sophomores who will be excited about continuing the quirky seasons of shows, and who will continue to make Take Ten accessible to anybody interested in taking part.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Beyoncé Continued from Page 21. lease is unprecedented in the music industry. The famous singer isn’t only selling musical content: she is selling choreography, costume, performance, sex . . . whatever it is that makes up a “visual album”.

The visual aspect makes the entire experience more personal and substantive. The project’s large scale required the videos to be more casual, allowing Beyoncé to show her fun-loving side (cue: happy-dancing with husband and rapper Jay-Z in “Drunk in Love”).

The imagery is an interesting mixture of gritty and high-class, with subject matter ranging from low-budget pageant shows and dusty Brazilian villages to personal chauffeurs and Saint Laurent tuxedos. In one video, she channels the classic Virgin Mary in an ensemble by Gareth Pugh (“Mine ft. Drake”), and in another, she wears next to nothing while grinding and twerking on a brick wall (“Yoncé”).

Beyoncé is not just visually appealing—the music is pretty wonderful too, with a selection of ballads, pop anthems, and rap-inspired beats.

The song “Haunted/Ghost” has a bumping chill-ness that evokes the music of Kendrick Lamar, and the boppy “XO” is playing on z95.5.

The most exciting part of her new album is its subject matter: almost every track teaches the listener something about Beyoncé’s take on feminism. She is most upfront about the topic in the songs “Pretty Hurts” and “Flawless”; in the former, she protests the unachievable perfection that girls strive for, and in the latter (which is possibly the best song on the album), she samples Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s TED talk “We Should All Be Feminists”, alongside fast-paced verses instructing her listeners to tell their men to “say: ‘I look so good tonight / Goddamn goddamn.’” Beyoncé believes feminism is about confidence and not competition.

But the majority of Beyoncé’s album confronts female sexuality. She demonstrates the role feminism specifically plays in her life by taking control of her sexuality without shame, by owning up to pleasure in a way “modest women” rarely do. Beyoncé is happily married but this album is not supposed to be her innocent declaration of marital love.

Rather, it is a complex statement that is equally about her own personal satisfaction as it is about her devotion to Jay-Z. This personal aspect is what makes Beyoncé the “number one feminist album” of the year.

Women in the music industry are rarely celebrated for standing up for their sexuality: think of the hate Taylor Swift gets for her dating life; think of the hell Rihanna went through after admitting that she wasn’t yet over her attacker (which is common for victims of dating violence). And yet here’s Beyoncé, roller-skating with friends while singing about receiving oral sex (“Blow”) and sensually sing-whispering “Daddy what you gon’ do with all this / Ass” (“Rocket”). In “Rocket”, a song describing climaxing, she repeats the phrase “I’m comfortable in my skin” over and over.

Her feminist “thesis” for this album is stated most clearly in the French bridge to “Partition”, the translation of which reads: “Men think that feminists hate sex / But it’s a very stimulating and natural activity that women love.” Like most phrases, that sounds more beautiful in French: but the point is made.

Beyoncé is a confident, sexual woman in a world where sexual confidence in women is definitely uncommon and oftentimes frowned upon. Her album is a celebration of this. Beyoncé, though not released in time for any 2013 Grammys, is definitely a personal contender for Album of the Year.

This production was certainly better than The Phantom Menace.

February 10, 2014

A&E

IMAGE: PROVIDED

24

Wacky Instrument: The Kitara

By LAHAV LIPSON

Mark your calendar for this Saturday’s concert.

A Tale As Old As Time: Ithaca College Musical Concert

By EMILY SCARPULLA

Ithaca College is putting on a one-time event featuring 16 Disney musical selections. This will include standards like “Be Our Guest” from Beauty and the Beast as well as some medleys of similarly themed Disney songs including a villain medley. This concert will feature a video message from the CEO of Disney, Bob Iger, created just for this concert. As taken from its Facebook event, its goal is “to inspire[;] this production will uplift you and allow your imagination to take hold. The music and performers will captivate and take you into the wonderful world of Disney.

Finally, you’ll remember the enchantment of true love, which is, in and of itself a tale as old as time.” This will be a magical night of music and video for an unforgettable concert.

This concert will take place at Ford Hall on February 15 at 8:00 p.m. Tickets are available at www.taleasoldastime.brownpapertickets.com or at the door. This concert is an exciting opportunity to listen to some incredible local talent and listen to the old Disney favorites. Hope to see you there!

IMAGE: PROVIDED

Legally Blond Continued from Page 20.

Elle Woods will be played by Keara Byron ’15, opposite Brendan Coyle ’14. Other star actors include Noah Elman ’15, playing the nasty ex Warner; Cali Newman ’15, his new girlfriend; Erin Hilgartner ’16, a celebrity fitness queen; Malama Sokoni ’15, the arrogant Harvard professor; and Jewell Payne ’15, an outspoken hair stylist. Also included in this lively cast of characters are Greek sorority (or “chorus”) girls, a “walking porn” delivery man, and a flamboyant pool boy.

With its inspirational plot and entertaining characters, Legally Blonde is shaping up to be a great show. Mark your calendars for the weekend of April 4: you definitely won’t want to miss it!

Although it might be subjective as to whether this is a wacky “instrument” or not, it’s definitely something worth talking about. Released in 2011, the Misa Kitara, named after the Finnish word for guitar, is a Musical Instrument Digital Interface (MIDI) that was designed as a way for guitar players to create their own electronic music, and not as a replacement for the electric guitar. Being modeled after a Stratocaster, it should feel very familiar to most guitar players, except for a few major differences.

For one, there are no strings, hence the lack of a headstock. Where the frets would usually be, there are six sets of 24 buttons.

Similar to a real guitar, pressing on the frets alone is not enough to create sound. Since there are no strings, users operate an eight-inch touch pad with their right hand in conjunction with the buttons to make music in the same way they would on a real guitar. In addition to the standard six-string setup, the Misa Kitara has a variety of settings that can be used to create different kinds of sounds. For example, in ball mode, users can tap on the screen to create a generic synthesizer, and then drag their fingers across the screen to morph it into something completely different. Meanwhile, a virtual ball floats on the screen, which they can manually move around to control the pitch and combination of different filters.

The Kitara on its own doesn’t make any sound, but when hooked up to a laptop or appropriate amplifier, everything from dubstep to trance music can be played. And if you’re a bass player, don’t worry. A version known as the tri-bass was created as an alternative. Despite the awkward appearance, musicians in concert have played both models.

The Kitara definitely offers a unique approach to creating electronic music, and is way more fun than a MacBook.

Taking “electric guitar” way too far . . . or maybe not.

Proudly Introduces the All-New Win Column!

IMAGE: MIKE EHRMANN

This Month at IHS On 12/4, Steven Stage ’15 broke the record for most points scored in a basketball game against Corning, with 41 points On 1/1, Dustin Brown (IHS alumnus) was selected to play hockey in his second-straight Olympic Games On 1/8, boys’ JV and varsity basketball defeated Maine-Endwell in a double-header Woods (L) and Mickelson (R) shake hands after a game.

On 1/11, wrestler Richie Burke ’15 took fifth place at Eastern States Classic On 1/11, wrestler Darren Rich ’17 took third place at the Watkins Glen Tournament On 1/13, boys’ swimming (undefeated in dual meets this season) finished first at the EFA invitational meet On 1/15, Ryan Nicholson ’14 broke the 36-year-old 100-yard freestyle record

By OWEN HARTMAN

Hello dear readers. Starting today, there are some changes to everyone’s favorite column. Peter Frey ’14 is out; I’m calling the shots now.

With that (and Peter) out of the way, let’s go on to our main topic this month: the greatest sports rivalries in history, and not just the bit I’ve been alive for. Rivalries are one of the best parts of following professional sports. The rivalries I am going to highlight are the ones that we’ve grown up with—the ones we’ll tell our grandkids about.

5. Phil Mickelson and Tiger Woods Tiger Woods is one of the greatest golf players of all time. At his prime, he was considered the best player in the world.

Almost no one could keep up with him, except for Phil Mickelson. Woods and Mickelson were the #1 and #2 players

in the world. Unlike many golf rivalries, this one was not lighthearted: both of these players have expressed their dislike for each other on numerous occasions.

Mickelson once said that Tiger was the only player “good enough to overcome the equipment he’s stuck with.”

4. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa In 1998, baseball news was dominated by these two names. Both of these sluggers were going after the thought-to-be-untouchable single season home run record.

McGwire had almost broken it the previous year; however, a mid-season slump killed his chances. Sammy Sosa was having the year of his career, helping to lead the Cubs to the playoffs. In the end, both of them broke the record, but McGwire ended the season with more home runs than Sosa. They had a bit of help, though, if you know what I mean.

Continued on Page 28.

T h e St

ars Who

Rise . . .

IMAGE: PROVIDED

All Stars, All Weekend

Meloooo!

By LUCAS DEVRIES

Basketball fans out there all know what February means: the All-Star break. A chance for fans to see the greatest players in the world show off their skills. However, even though the break is coming up soon, we still do not know who is going to participate in the festivities. For those of you who do not know what happens during the All-Star break, I will inform you. First, there is the Rising Stars Challenge, which places the best rookies against the best second-year players. Then there’s the Slam Dunk Contest, in which the best dunkers compete to see who can jam like no other, and the Three-Point Shootout, in which the top three-point shooters in the league shoot to see who’s best. And finally there’s the All-Star Game, in which the best of the best of the Eastern and Western Conferences face each other to determine which conference is better.

I personally do not care who is in the Slam Dunk Contest, especially since Paul George (Indiana Pacers) declined the invite, because the contest has turned into something of a joke.

It used to be an event to look forward to, an event everyone wanted to see, but now, nobody takes it seriously. People do not try their hardest to show they’re better, and they are not creative like they used to be. But the Three-Point Shootout is my second-favorite part of the All-Star break. Seeing the best three-point shooters line up to out-shoot the others is a thing of beauty. I would love to see Stephen Curry and Klay Thompson of the Golden State Warriors and Kyle Korver of the Atlanta Hawks go up against each other in the final round.

And then comes the All-Star Game, my favorite part of the weekend. “Who’s going to make the team?”, you may ask. Obviously LeBron James (Miami Heat), the best player alive and arguably the face of the NBA, is a lock for the team, as is Kevin Durant (Oklahoma City Thunder). But what about Damian Lillard (Portland Trail Blazers)? The Rookie of the Year last season and one of the league’s top three shooters, he has improved in almost every statistic, including points per game, rebounds

per game, three point percentage, and free throw percentage. And how about Carmelo Anthony (New York Knicks)?

Yes, he plays for a lackadaisical team, but he’s second in the league in points per game and is the only glimmer of light on the otherwise hopeless New York squad.

Kevin Love (Minnesota Timberwolves) will most likely make the team, given that he is fourth in points per game and second in rebounds per game as well as a great stretch forward.

But that still leaves the position of center open in the West. Would that spot get taken by Dwight Howard (Houston Rockets), arguably the best center in the league? And how about Anthony Davis (New Orleans Pelicans)? He leads the league in blocks, is one of the top rebounders, and is almost to 20 points per game; plus, who wouldn’t like to see that gorgeous unibrow go toe-to-toe against one of the top centers?

And what about the guards? Could we finally see Stephen Curry, probably the best three-point shooter in the league, take the floor on the same team as the greatest living players, like Kevin Durant? And since Russell Westbrook (Oklahoma City Thunder) is questionable and Kobe Bryant (Los Angeles Lakers) and Chris Paul (Los Angeles Clippers) are both a definite no because of injuries, he has a significant chance of making the team. But there is also John Wall (Washington Wizards), who is having possibly his best season, even though his team is terrible.

In the end, however, who participates in these events is up to you, the voters. You have complete control over who is starring on the team (visit www.nba.com/allstar). If you’re interested, though, I’ll tell you who I think you should vote for as your top five: LeBron James, Kevin Durant, Stephen Curry, Dwight Howard, and Damian Lillard. After that, you’re on your own!

write email editor@ihstattler.com

l. l a F . . . and Those Who

Why A-Rod Doesn’t Love Baseball

IMAGE: PROVIDED

By NICHOLAS BOGEL-BURROUGHS Staff Writer

Famed player and manager Lou Piniella once said of Alex Rodriguez, “The great thing is that he’s always looking to improve.” This was at a time when Rodriguez was just breaking into the league—he was managed by Piniella in Seattle for the first seven years of his professional baseball career (1994–2000). Over the past six months, Piniella’s words have proved even more true than when he spoke them—but they’ve taken on a new meaning.

On June 4, 2013, news broke that Major League Baseball (MLB) was looking to suspend 20 players who had been receiving banned substances from the Miami nutrition clinic, Biogenesis, run by Anthony Bosch. In July and August, with Bosch’s testimony, suspensions between 50 and 65 games were handed to 15 players tied to the clinic, including Ryan Braun, Nelson Cruz, and Alex Rodriguez. While other players connected to the southern Florida clinic gave up their right to appeal in exchange for shorter suspensions, Alex Rodriguez retained his right and was therefore suspended for 211 games. Immediately after news of the suspension, Rodriguez filed for appeal. On January 11, 2014, the arbitration came to a close, and Rodriguez’s suspension was reduced to 162 games—the 2014 season and postseason if the Yankees make it to October.

One day after the MLB’s ruling, Bosch was interviewed by 60 Minutes in front of 17 million viewers. Bosch claimed that Rodriguez came to him on July 31, 2010, asking for what Bosch had prescribed for Manny Ramirez in 2008 and 2009. In addition, Bosch reported that he was once forced to draw blood from A-Rod in a bathroom stall because Rodriguez had forgotten an appointment and was at a Miami nightclub. When asked what he was thinking at the time, Bosch responded, “I’m not getting paid enough.”

The most vital piece of information Bosch revealed in his 60 Minutes interview was the regimen of drugs Rodriguez allegedly followed. This detailed schedule included multiple hormones injected six days a week, a daily pill that concealed steroids during drug tests, testosterone cream, and, most surprisingly, a testosterone gummy taken either in the clubhouse or dugout immediately before games! All of these drugs are either banned or contain banned substances under MLB’s Joint Drug Agreement. The CEO of the US Anti-Doping Agency, Travis Tygart, responded to the regimen saying, “At the end of the day, this was a potent cocktail of sophisticated [performance-enhancing drugs] stacked together to deliver power, aid recovery, avoid detection, and create a home run champion.” Tygart added that the plan was “probably the most potent and sophisticated drug program developed for an athlete that we’ve ever seen. . . . No one who cares about clean sports likes to hear it.”

I care about clean sports. As a Yankees fan, I remember

A-Fraud uses his face to express how a lot of people feel about him.

being seven years old when A-Rod was traded from Texas to New York. I also remember hearing that much of the allure in signing with the Yankees was the six million dollars he would receive for passing each of the top four home run leaders (Mays, Ruth, Aaron, and Bonds). After Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run, many turned to Rodriguez to save them from the steroid era and cheered on his pursuit to be the “clean” home run king. Unfortunately for baseball, this title is impossible for Rodriguez to reach now, and not just because of his nagging injuries. Rodriguez, however, continues to claim he is in love with the game he cheated at.

Back in July, when Rodriguez was undergoing a rehab stint with the Yankees’ Triple-A team, he told the New York Post “[Baseball] is my first love. Like any first love, it doesn’t have to be rational.” A friend recently asked me if I were a professional baseball player, would I rather choose to stay clean and make the minimum salary (still a cool half-million) or dope and make up to 50 times that. In all honestly, I would rather earn the achievements I deserve than lie my way to the top. I have too much love for the national pastime. Ty Cobb was a dirty player, but a Hall of Fame member who is universally respected because he was dirty within the rules of the game and did not cheat. Being dirty and cheating are worlds apart, especially in the game Continued on Page 29.

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IMAGE: ANDREW BROWNBILL

2. Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal are two of the most well-remembered names in tennis from the last decade. These two were the best in the world and always ended up in finals of tournaments. Of their 32 meetings, 20 were in tournament finals, making for a huge rivalry. Their first meeting was in 2004; Nadal was 17 years old and surprised everyone by putting up a great performance against Federer, who was considered one of the best players in the world at the time. This rivalry went on for the rest of the decade, with the two having many memorable clashes, including the 2008 Wimbledon finals, considered by many to be one of the best matches of all time. While this rivalry has died down in recent years, it still will be remembered as one of the best.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

The Win Column Continued from Page 25.

3. The Boston Celtics and the Los Angeles Lakers As two of the biggest names in basketball, one from the east and one from the west, the Celtics and the Lakers are huge rivals dating back to the ‘60s. They faced off against each other in the 2008 NBA finals, which the Celtics took 4-2 and again in the 2010 finals when the Lakers struck back, winning in seven games.

Because nothing screams “fierce competition” like pooping.

Wacky Sport: The Dunny Derby

(Dunny being Australian slang for a toilet and derby being an event focused on the driving of cars . . . whoops, I just spoiled the article. What a shame.)

By CHRIS SKAWSKI

Nadal (L) and Federer (R) shake hands after a game.

1. Tom Brady and the Manning brothers Tom Brady and Peyton Manning are the two best quarterbacks of their decade. Both of these players carried their teams to great successes; however, Peyton is thought of as having a much better performance during the regular season than during the playoffs.

While both of them have Super Bowl rings, Tom Brady has had much more success in the playoffs than Peyton has. The Patriots with Tom Brady was one of the most dominant teams of the decade. Almost no team could stop them at their prime. Only one team was able to consistently beat them, and that team was the New York Giants. Headed by Peyton’s younger brother, Eli, this team faced the Patriots in the Super Bowl twice. Both times, the Patriots came into the game as favorites, but the Giants came out on top both times largely due to Eli Manning’s stellar performances. Football is the most watched sport in America, and this rivalry was the biggest in recent memory.

I know the Wacky Sport articles in the past have often favored races of all kinds, but this month I bring you the wackiest race since . . . uh . . . well I don’t know, but this one’s pretty wild. And so without further ado, I present to you the Dunny Derby.

The Dunny Derby is an Australian sport played by pairs or teams. Given what you’ve learned from the title, you know that this sport involves toilets and racing. One teammate is on the toilet (dunny), and the others pull them along. The toilet is housed in an open faced outhouse on wheels, connected to bars that extend out front where people grab them and pull. The toilets are often decorated and competitors take great pride in dressing up themselves and their toilet. Since it’s an Australian sport, you’re probably not going to run into it outside of Australia. At the annual Outback Festival held every year in late September (which, in the very non-American parts of the world, is spring) in Winton, Queensland, Australia, the Quilton Dunny Derby is a premiere event that kicks off this festival of Australian traditions. Any one may form a team, so long as they are over 16 and can afford the $50 (Australian) registration fee.

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A Pro Bowl Full of Disappointment IMAGE: MARCO GARCIA

By ELIE KIRSHNER

I am watching something reasonably shocking. A few of the players at this year’s NFL Pro Bowl do not look as if they were sedated just prior to the game. Of course the event remains just as ill-conceived as it always was, if not even more so. The Pro Bowl proudly boasts all of the features of an exciting football game: barring blitzes, challenges, kickoffs, and (prior to a couple of exceptions this year) any semblance of effort from the players involved. The Associated Press put it best in a report after the 2012 game, saying the players were “hitting each other as though they were having a pillow fight.”

However, after watching this year’s game, I realized: how could you blame them? Several aspects of this year’s somewhat active game, first and foremost the high potential for injury, should disturb any true football fan.

The alarming injury rates and numerShown above is the hardest hit of the entire Pro Bowl. ous concussion stories are well-documented; football is undeniably one of cerns, this year’s Pro Bowl revealed just how desperate the the most dangerous popular sports. And there is a fairly NFL is to get fans to watch the game. To start, there are the direct association between the amount of effort the players “alumni coaches”—Hall of Famers Jerry Rice and Deion put forth and the amount of danger they put themselves Sanders—who drafted their own teams as the league abanand the opposing players in over the course of a game. All- doned the AFC vs. NFC format. The two-day draft event star games are meaningless, but they work quite well for opened with some poorly staged trash talking between the sports like baseball and basketball because the injury risk two men (although I admit Sanders is occasionally clever is far smaller. They serve as an exciting showcase of the in a very arrogant way), as the NFL tried to cash in on best talents in the sport and a celebration of its history and the classic rivalry from their playing days. Sanders and fan base. The Pro Bowl, however, can only serve this pur- Rice continually claimed they would possibly play in the pose while putting its players at significant risk. For exam- game, although this was of course a publicity stunt. In yet ple, regular season rushing leader LeSean McCoy and Bills another misguided effort, the NFL decided to add some Safety Jairus Byrd each left this year’s game with injury. intrigue to the game by placing microphones on almost And should the players choose to avoid this injury risk, every player in uniform. This led to the delightful effect of the Pro Bowl ends with the total embarrassment we have the production team occasionally cutting to players yelling all come to expect. after a big play (which of course was often unintelligible Speaking of embarrassing, aside from the injury con- noise, but predictably sometimes required censorship for national television). The announcers were so stunned to A-Rod see a player run in the Pro Bowl that they spent the better Continued from Page 27. part of three hours talking about it. The event reeked of desperation in almost every respect, even after it was clear of baseball. Rodriguez’s professional career has not been that the game was going to vaguely resemble competitive about baseball; it was centered on fame and money, as a football. cursory glance at New York tabloids over the years will To put it simply, the Pro Bowl should not exist. It either tell anyone. If Alex Rodriguez really loved and respectmakes a mockery of the sport or puts players in harms way ed baseball, he would not spit in the face of tradition by in a meaningless contest. This year, it managed to accomusing illicit drugs to aid a personal quest for the record plish both. books.

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IMAGE: PROVIDED

Playing off the Football Season the Pacific Northwest and have had many games impacted by the elements. The other deciding factor is the big freeagent signing the Seahawks had this year in Percy Harvin.

The injury-prone Harvin is most likely going to play in the game after sustaining a concussion against the Saints in their divisional matchup, and is the X Factor in the Seahawks offense. If he’s 100 percent healthy, the Broncos will have a lot of trouble stopping him on the field, and him being on the field will change the outcome of the game.

I do want Peyton Manning to win his second Super Bowl, but I believe that the Seahawks are deserving of their first lombardi trophy in franchise history.

The Seahawks soared to victory in the big game . . . get it?

By AVEN ANDEMARIAM

However, during the game, the Seahawks proved to be the dominant team. The Broncos’ number-one offense failed to deliver on every front. Peyton Manning failed to deliver, despite going 17 for 23. The Seahawks led a multiple threat offensive to a crushing first half. Their defense helped the onslaught, with two interceptions in the first two quarters. Opening the second half, Percy Harvin’s TD return sealed Denver’s fate. The Seahawks offense continued to roll over the stressed Broncos defense, with Wilson hitting Percy Harvin and Marshawn Lynch to keep advancing the win. The Broncos mounted a solid comeback attempt in the end of the third quarter, scoring eight points to finish it out. This didn’t stop the Seahawks though, whose defense scored more points than the Denver offense. The game was officially over when the Seahawks decided to play Tevaris Jackson. They even prematurely Gatoraded Pete Caroll. For so many Seattle fans, it must’ve been fun to see ’Hawks win their first Super Bowl.

IMAGE: PROVIDED

After playing 17 weeks of regular season football and two playoff games each, the top two teams in the National Football League (NFL) are preparing to face each other in the 48th installment of the Super Bowl, one of the most widely watched sporting events in America and in the world.

The two teams in this year’s Super Bowl are the Denver Broncos and the Seattle Seahawks. Each has its own style of football, and each took a unique path to reach the pinnacle of the NFL season. This is a battle between two number-one seeds: a battle between the number-oneranked scoring offense and the number-one-ranked scoring defense; a battle between the number-one-ranked total offense and the number-one-ranked total defense. Those are the matchups (expect for Richard Sherman and Demaryius Thomas) that most people will be looking forward to.

Too bad that’s not the part of the game that’s going to decide the winner of the Super Bowl, even though it will have a huge impact on the game. This is because we know that these are both excellent units. But the game will be won by either the Seahawks offense or the Broncos defense. Will we see a Seahawks offense that sputtered in the first half of the NFC Championship and for a good portion of the season, or will we see an exciting offense that came back to beat the 49ers? Can the Broncos’ stingy-run defense stop Marshawn Lynch, or will he beast-mode all over them?

This will be a close and very entertaining game, but the deciding factors of who will most likely win the game goes to the Seattle Seahawks. This is mainly due to the fact that the Super Bowl will take place in New York, where the weather is going to be a big factor, as it is going to be very cold on February 3. Peyton Manning has proven to critics this year that he can win in the cold, in week 14 against the Titans (18 degrees); but the advantage clearly goes to the Seahawks, as they played half their games outdoors in

Prediction: Seahawks: 24, Broncos: 21

Another bird pun.

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Dear Darwin, My name is Dwig McLane, and my son LaFarger never does his homework. He just insists on acting like one of them highfalutin littluns from Lord of the Flies. What should I do? If he doesn't do his homework, he can't graduate!

Dear Anonymous,

Sincerely, Anonymous

While I was on my way to the plumber’s to get my hair done, I ran into Prince LaFarger, and this is what he had to say about the whole matter: “I shan't—I shan't do my homework! You are just a mere football coach and haven't the right to order about the future King of Ohio like a common drudge! Horrid Latin! Beastly Geography! I would much rather be fencing or foxhunting or engaging in pursuits befitting a great prince of the most divinely favored land. I shall be a man of destiny like my father, the King, who does not concern himself with books and study and the queer prattlings of foolish bookworms and scribblers. By the way, I have that half-wit philosopher (whom you call a proctologist) who blathers on about the ‘rights of man’ imprisoned in the Dungeon, and that shall be your fate as well if you continue to place such ridiculous demands upon my royal person!”

My advice: Listen to this sprightly young lad!

Sincerely, Darwin Donovan Dorward-Deukmejian

Pro Tips from a FourthPeriod Lunch Table: FB Birthdays

By LINDSEY YUAN

So that little cake is there on the right side of your screen just reminding you of another birthday that you totally knew was today. Then you ask yourself, what should I write? How can I out-do the person who just wrote on _____’s wall? Well, we’re here to help you get a like and a comment on that birthday message. Start off with the basic, “Happy Birthday!!!” (capital H, capital B, three exclamation points). To level up from the person before you, simply add the birthday boy/ girl’s name, a few more exclamation points (one to 100 more is preferable) and you’re stellar. Mix it up by adding a picture (pro tip: not a picture collage—those are lame), using all caps, or just writing a sarcastic “hbd” (pro tip: only for the closest of homies). To finish off your celebration of this person’s birthday, remember to forget to say “Happy Birthday” in person, and feel guilty for the rest of the day.

Jokes Q: What was the name of the hair salon next to the graveyard?

A: Curl up and Dye. Q: When is your grandpa’s bedtime?

A: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q: When do you know your grandfather is old enough to retire?

A: Instead of lying about his age, he starts bragging about it!

It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.

Somebody stole my mood rings. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Although it is not considered “normal” to make public displays of protest in front of your ex-lover’s house while wearing nothing but an apron, someone close to you will struggle with this urge—be there for this person.

Pisces (Feb. 19–Mar. 20): A temporary setback to your planned encephalectomy has you feeling a bit disoriented. Buying a compass is advisable.

Aries (Mar. 21–Apr. 19): By the fifth, your Walkman might have a lot to say to you—listen!

Taurus (Apr. 20–May 20): More than likely there is a prism in your world that needs evaluating—be there for all prisms; they love you.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): Despite being parenthetically astounded by what you take to be a bear in your bathroom, life goes

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on. Someone in need of some money will approach you in the next 12 hours.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): Romantic relationships take on a fairytale aura; unfortunately, the only relationship you will be having this month is with your cat, who has schistosomiasis.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): It’s a great month. It’s your month. You’re going to get the right to wear that shiny brown swimsuit in the mall. No one can stop you; you already have that hot summer bod.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Leos consider themselves to be the rulers of the universe, although the only thing you’ll be ruling is an airport bathroom—you will be appointed to the position of bathroom monitor.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22– Dec. 21): So maybe you don’t “wear clothes that fit you” or maybe you’re not “the norm” or perhaps you don’t “own a toothbrush”, but there will be someone in your future who requires a rub; you’re the best person for the job.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): Despite your best attempts to watch The Mollusk Slayer, you end up falling asleep and having a dream about helping the crying neighbor who will come to you to help get his mom out of the tree in the coming hours.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19): In the future, a friend will need your help. Always be there for your beloved friend—it’s the right thing to do.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): Making an impulse buy can sometimes save a life:

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Second Semester (sorry, underclassmen)

The Seattle Mariners Winning the Big Game

We Know Sports

Shut up

You’re Dumb

Wanna Go out Later

Being a Manning Right Now

Being This Meta in the Coolness Spectrum