Impact Magazine - Issue 187- Feb 08 by Impact Magazine

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Dear Impact,

I am not Miss Perfect. I have my fair share of vices (probably more than my fair share actually), but I was very disappointed to read about ‘Abi Staunton’, who seems to think that prostitution was the only way of dealing with her financial issues. I would argue that Abi was not in such dire straits as she describes: “I had to choose between eating today or eating tomorrow”. Honestly (roll of the eyes). If Abi was really in such a state, her housemates/parents/ classmates would have noticed. And if they didn’t notice, she could’ve asked anyone for food. “But the shame of asking for food?”, I hear you cry. Well, what about the shame of selling your body? Surely it is more embarrassing to offer yourself to someone at a price than it is to ask for some help? If things were really that bad, Abi could’ve left University. I suspect Abi’s moral standards weren’t all that high to start with and she saw a gap in the market for people with equally improper standards. Who am I to judge? Well, I’m a fellow student, also female, also struggling to make ends meet, but I would never ever sell myself out like that. Even if it meant working ridiculously long hours stacking shelves. Even if it meant asking for help from complete strangers. The only point I can see to your article is that it may have planted the seed in some equally dishonourable person’s mind that this may be easy money. My advice to all boys and girls out there is that in this case, the end does not and will never ever justify the means. You will lose your self-respect and end up in a debt far worse than financial debt. Yours sincerely, Destitute-but-decent Dear DBD,

Editorial

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letter of the month

So thankfully all that Christmas and New Year crap is over, and now you can sober up to the reality that the University has given us the present we all wanted this year, exams a week earlier. Ah well, we probably just would have wasted that time climbing over makeshift walls to get into the Hallward library for our Starbucks fix.

Although in essence I agree with your morals, I find your callous use of language, that Abi Staunton was simply manipulating ‘a gap in the market’ abhorrent. The point of our article was not to judge, nor (of course) was it to encourage people that prostitution might be a nice way to earn some pocket money, a suggestion which, if you’ll excuse me, is downright ignorant. Our point, which I felt was explained in some depth in the aforementioned ‘Cash On The Quiet’ article, was not to judge or preach, but simply to recognise that these problems exist, to acknowledge the flaws in the system which allow these situations to occur, and to deal with them head on by placing the victims in the limelight instead of casting them aside as the moral pariahs that people such as yourself dismiss them as. Yours sincerely, Not-Exactly-Convinced Deputy Editor

image Cover nikov Dan Bre

Guilt-free coffee aside, Impact should be able to provide some distraction from this pesky examination nonsense, as we push the very boundaries of journalism by trying to find out what old people are for and why people are angry at Hezbollah. If Impact doesn’t quite satisfy your procrastination to revision ratio, you can refer to our main feature about interesting places to investigate on and around campus. In other news, The Guardian have attributed the title of ‘second-best student magazine in the country’ to Impact, so Oxford and Cambridge can more or less fuck off. Determined to leave on a high, our Editor-In-Chief Dan has seen this near-victory as a sign to throw in the towel; and we shall miss him, the loveable cunt. Impact is now seeking a ‘Managing Editor’ to help plug the holes that Dan has left, so if you fancy working for us, drop us an e-mail at magazine@impactnottingham.com. A job description for the role can be seen in this issue and at www.impactnottingham.co m, and advertised across campus. On a personal note, Alice and Jess (and most probably all our illustrious predecessors, Miriam, Pete, Kate, Chris etc.) would like to personally thank Danikov for his five years service to our humble magazine. Some people don’t even serve five years for GBH. Happy New Year and good luck in the bastard exams, Love Alice, Jess, and (for the last time) Dan.

News

impactnottingham.com/news

On Campus

Isis Gatecrashes the AU Party The Students’ Union are concerned that the club Isis is becoming more popular than the official AU night at Gatecrasher. Whilst the AU night last year was held at Isis, the contract between the club and the Athletics Union was terminated after a series of complaints against Isis, concerning substantial welfare issues and persistent contract breaches; notably regarding the door staff and the suspiciously cheap ‘double vodka redbulls’. The last Isis Wednesday night of the year 2006/2007 was almost empty as students snubbed the club for the misconduct carried out by the managing

staff. Now, however, the Students’ Union fears an Isis comeback as freshers have been tempted away from the university endorsed night at Gatecrasher through the presence of illicit Isis reps in halls, competing against the Karni reps for a loyal fresher following.

“Our concerns about Isis remain” Whilst the Athletics Union are first in line for the receipt of Gatecrasher tickets, leaving the remaining 800-1000 tickets to Karni, it seems that sports teams have nevertheless been put off this club. One team president, who wished to remain anonymous stated that “Gatecrasher got the whole night wrong strategically in the earlier weeks. The expensive drinks, lack of staff and teething difficulties with ticket allocation meant that teams had problems satisfying their members’ ticket demands”. Isis was able to capitalise on Gatecrasher’s mistakes, offering goody bags to teams on arrival and the exact number of tickets needed. Larger sports teams have since been attracted away from the official AU night to Isis.

The AU Officer, Phil Richards, maintains that “our concerns about Isis remain, and have not been satisfied by the behaviour of Isis this year”. The contract between Gatecrasher and the AU provides ‘an excellent venue, the chance for us to determine how the night should be run, and to change those issues that students come to us with about the night”. Some teams do remain loyal towards Gatecrasher; the men and women’s hockey clubs as well as netball are sponsored by Gatecrasher and reap the benefits of VIP passes and free drinks vouchers as well as better ticket allocation after the initial weeks. A representative of the women’s hockey squad put forward the point that “the idea behind Gatecrasher and the AU night this year is, I believe, to bring a sense of unity between all the clubs who play on a Wednesday, not just between members of each club’”. It is certain that the present circumstances do not display this sense of unity or loyalty towards the AU, and the AU can only hope that the rebellious sports teams can be coaxed back to the improved Gatecrasher experience. by Kate Langley

Recycling on Uni Park and in Lenton After eight years of campaigning a comprehensive recycling system has been introduced onto University Park, Sutton Bonnington and Jubilee Campuses. The Environment Committee have purchased twenty ‘on-street recycling’ bins, which have different compartments for mixed paper, card, plastic bottles and cans. There are also ‘mixed recycling’ blue bins. Both kinds of bin are dotted all over the three campuses, making it much easier for students to recycle. Previously the level of recycling had been embarassingly poor as the majority of students did not realise that there have been ‘bring sites’ on campus where you can also recycle mixed glass waste for a while. The Environment and Social Justice Officer Chloe Cheeseman said “I’m delighted that

the University has finally lived up to its commitment to recycling. However, I am concerned that the location of the external recycling bins is not prominent enough, that there are not nearly enough of them, and that they are not adequately signposted. We will be working with the Estates Office to improve this. I urge all students to feed back their comments about the new scheme, as well as to remember that reducing and reusing is always preferable to recycling!”

“The new scheme needs to be phased in gradually” There are also plans to introduce a ‘Kerbside Recycling Scheme’ in Lenton for the collection of paper, plastics, tins and cans. This comes

after a piece of government legislation which states that a minimum of two recyclable products must be collected from each household by 2010. The Recycling Team at Nottingham City Council suggest that the scheme has not been rolled out to Lenton because “there are over 120,000 homes in Nottingham and so the new scheme needs to be phased in gradually”. More opportunity to recycle is good news for all those who want to be environmentally friendly, but it seems that for existing and new schemes to really make a difference students must be informed of the developments and encouraged to take advantage of them. by Rachel Randall

what’s beans without frank?

Hall Bacon - Back or Foiled? Nottingham Hospitality have finally responded to the student campaign to bring cooked breakfasts back into halls. Over 2,400 students signed the petition for ‘Bring Home the Bacon’, causing NH to agree to provide porridge, eggs and croissants alongside the continental breakfasts. Additionally, students will be able to have full cooked breakfasts during the January exam period.

“Bring Home The Bacon did not set out to o!end anyone.” NH stated that they believe this to be “a suitable compromise” and that they have gone “more than halfway”. Full cooked breakfasts will not be brought in permanently as this would involve hiring more staff at an extra cost to the university. Although they achieved their aims, the BHTB campaigners have faced some negative responses, particularly in Cavendish Hall where the warden, McDonald Daly, threatened to eject them from the premises. Following this, a comment on the BHTB

Facebook group referring to the hall warden as a “notorious campus joker” was deemed by the university to be offensive, leading to a £150 fine each for Shaun Slator and Nsikan Edung, the creators of the BHTB campaign. “‘Bring Home The Bacon’ did not set out to cause offence to anybody, but merely to highlight the issue of the lack of hot breakfasts”, commented Nsikan. “In all our travels across campus, we did not encounter a single problem, having been welcomed by wardens, tutors and hall staff until we entered Cavendish that evening. It’s just a shame that one man had to take it upon himself to get in the way and cause all this trouble but that’s the way things go around here and here is the result”. Shaun and Nsikan will be appealing the decision to fine them and meanwhile continue their campaigning to change the timing of breakfasts to allow students to get food later on in the morning. by Heather Saxton

Impact does it again Impact Magazine has won runner up for The Best Magazine of the Year Award at The Guardian Student Media Awards 2007, beating UCL, Oxford, Cardiff and Hull, making it the second year running that Impact picked up an award. The judges’ panel included The Guardian’s editor, Alan Rusbridger, BBC Newsnight’s Kirsty Wark and Jon Snow of Channel 4 News. Student Magazine of the Year went to Nang, produced by the Tower Hamlets Summer University. Nang has been running for

five years and was set up by the Summer University, a charity, to give young people aged between 13-25 summer activities. Editor of The Guardian, Alan Rusbridger, and one of the judges said (of student journalists) “You almost feel guilty because

“These people really have thought about journalism, despite having to do so without any kind of training at all”

they should be studying, but it takes energy and time to do this sort of thing. A lot of student magazines are finding proper stories on campus and reporting them properly, and doing some serious journalism. Some of these people really have thought about journalism, despite having to do so without any kind of training at all.” Editor in Chief of Impact, Dan Brenikov, said “Every year Impact seems to win another award, and every year it’s down to the hard work of our staff and contributors; except me, I’ve done fuck all.”. by Pippa Vaux

Wall protest A student was arrested after a protest outside the Hallward Library to raise awareness about the Israeli West Bank Barrier, also known as ‘The Wall’. Protesters associated with Palestinian society constructed a mock wall across the path to the Hallward, and were threatened with arrest on grounds such as breach of the peace and obstructing the highway; the wall was dismantled soon afterwards. Since these events, and the posting of video footage of the day’s events on YouTube, The University and the Students’

Union have faced complaints about the way in which the protest was handled amidst accusations of silencing of the right to ‘free speech’. It has since emerged that Pal Soc were granted permission to carry out the protest but were told they could not errect a wall. Meetings have been held between the SU President, Societies Officer, Chief Security Officer and the Environmental Manager along with the students who were involved and affected by

the actions taken, to ensure that the right to protest was protected on campus. Members of the Exec have stated the SU’s position: “Nobody from the SU would disagree with the principle that freedom of expression is a fundamental right in a democratic society. But with this right comes a responsibility not to express views in such a way that would incite hatred or intimidate citizens who have a right to go about their daily lives without fear of intimidation”. by Emily Grosvenor-Taylor

News in Brief A sculpture to asipre to The new Jubilee campus statue has been named ‘Aspire’ after two hundred people submitted suggestions for the 60 metre sculpture. Eleven entrants submitted the name and as a result the original £250 prize money has been increased and each winner will receive £50. Totally Broadway Broadway cinema has been named the “smartest cinema in the world” by Total Film magazine. The magazine nominated it along with only ten others in the world that provide a “unique cinematic experience”. The accolade comes from Total Film magazine for the Paul Smith designed Screen 4. Emeritus Professor awarded honour The University of Nottingham’s Nobel Laureate, Emeritus Professor Sir Peter Mansfield has gained the prestigious award for ‘Lifetime Achievement in Education’ at the Times Higher Awards 2007. In his nomination, Sir Peter was described as “the pioneer for Magnetic Resonance Imaging”. His award was presented by Baroness Helena Kennedy QC. Mr Nottingham crowned The winner of Karni’s Mr Nottingham 2007 was decided on 27th November in Ocean. Despite stiff competition from other entrants, Stuart Onslow from Broadgate Park was named the winner. QMC extension delayed The opening of a £46m health centre at the Queen’s Medical Centre has been delayed for three months. The new unit has been built by a private firm for the NHS under a public-private partnership. It was supposed to open this month, to take pressure off existing hospitals. It is unclear as to why the centre has been delayed for so long but there has been speculation that it has been due to parent company Nations recently being taken over.

University sued over asbestos A man dying of asbestos-related cancer is suing the University of Nottingham, claiming that he contracted the disease while working there. Ernest Hitchin, a former plumber and welder, was employed to inspect and maintain pipework throughout University Campus, Sutton Bonnington Campus and student accommodation in Lenton and Beeston. The 87 year old’s legal battle centres on the claim that he was exposed to large amounts of asbestos dust and fibre while working at the University between 1975 and 1985. Consequently, he is suffering from Mesothelioma, a terminal cancer

by Priya Majeethia

that has left him in severe pain, and in need of constant personal care. Hitchin also alleges that he was not warned of the risks of working with asbestos and that the University failed to provide protective equipment. A spokesperson for the University of Nottingham said “while we cannot comment on individual cases, I can confirm that we have received a claim from Mr Ernest Hitchin and it is being considered by our insurers”. The writ issued to the University of Nottingham is seeking damages of up to £100,000.

Local Radical Radford Housing Plans by Emily Grosvenor-Taylor

New plans to create flats and shops for students have been admired at a preliminary meeting for a student-housing scheme in Radford. Developers are planning to build a housing complex on industrial land with 1,043 beds and a supermarket. Although the site, at the corner of St Peter’s Street and Wollaton Road, already has a 500-bed student complex, the new development would add another seven blocks, six shops and seven units aimed at creating jobs. Labour Councillor Graham Chapman said: “[Building student flats] is part of a strategy to try to reduce the pressure from students on family housing.” According to initial plans, the building will be white, silver and turquoise in colour. Labour Councillor Chris Gibson, the

chairman of the committee, said: “We like the design but there are questions about some of the materials and public art that could make a promising scheme into an outstanding scheme”. The developer, J. E. Chettles Limited, will now

“It is part of a strategy to try to reduce the pressure from students on family housing” have to take account of the issues raised and will return committee for a decision at a later date. If approved, there will be 172 parking spaces and 261 cycle bays on the site with plans to create walkways and cycle routes.

Savoy Now Drinks Savvy The announcement of The Savoy cinema’s extended bar licence has been met with enthusiasm for those who like to enjoy a sip of their favourite beverage whilst watching the stars of the big screen. The small cinema in Lenton has always remained popular with students who wish to avoid the taxi journey or long walk to the Cineworld cinema in the city centre. Despite

“It sounds awesome!” offering a low price of £3.50 for a student ticket however, The Savoy faces the difficulties of an independent establishment in a world of chains. Nevertheless, the new measure of allowing cinema-goers to enter the screens with their

by Kate Langley

drinks, rather than limiting consumption to the bar area proves to be undoubtedly popular with Lenton residents. “It sounds awesome!” said one Nottingham student. The new licence will add another dimension to the art-deco cinema experience at The Savoy, which is already a unique one with its intermission tradition and those distinctive double seats. “Extending our licence to allow drinks to be taken into the auditorium is all about enhancing the overall experience for customers”, explained James Collington, managing director of The Savoy. “We can offer the quality of viewing of a multiplex cinema, but with unparalleled atmosphere and customer service”.

National

NUS Members Vote For Change NUS members voted overwhelmingly to modernise the organisation at The Extraordinary Conference in Leicester on 4th December 2007. NUS now has a mandate to fight more effectively for students’ rights in the run-up to the 2009 review of Higher Education funding.

“Good governance is about getting things done” The old Annual Conference will become a streamlined Annual Congress, which will give members a greater opportunity to debate the key issues that affect the lives of students. Five policy ‘Zones’ will feed into this Congress, holding their own conferences to identify areas of consensus and reducing time wasting at the annual event. The five new policy ‘zones’ being proposed are: Higher Education, Further Education, Welfare, Society and Citizenship; and Union Development. There will also be a committee and conferences to promote NUS’s work on Liberation, Equality and Diversity.

“Now students will have a coherent, influential voice to stand up for their rights at such a crucial time for the sector” A new NUS Senate will also be set up to direct political strategy, while an NUS Board will ensure that the organisation runs efficiently and on the right side of the law. This new organisational structure will now be put to NUS Annual Conference for ratification in April 2008. NUS President, Gemma Tumelty, said, “Good governance is about getting things done. We want NUS to help make students’ unions as successful as they can be, so that we can make a real, positive difference to the lives of students. But excellent governance is also about democracy, and we need to find new ways of engaging diverse and underrepresented voices. These proposals will

by Pippa Vaux

help us to achieve this aim. I am delighted that NUS members have chosen to unite behind the new organisation. Now students will have a coherent, influential voice to stand up for their rights at such a crucial time for the sector”. Gavin Todd – James, Nottingham Student’s Union Democracy and Communications Officer, told Impact “The Extraordinary Conference was a resounding success for students. The reforms that were passed allow the NUS to move into the 21st Century and really represent the people for which it exists. The changes are wide-ranging and break down barriers to involvement. The arcane supposedly democratic procedures have been removed allowing for greater more informed debate with a wider range of people. The new board of trustees with a range of elected students and appointed experts will ensure the financial security of the National Union and will stop cost cutting measures such as charging for NUS Extra from happening again”.

beaten by steelmongers and nanyangers again

High Times for Uni Ranking The recent World University League Table published by the Times Higher Education Supplement has ranked The University of Nottingham at number 70. This is an improvement of 15 places on last year’s position and is the highest the institution has ever achieved. The pace of improvement is staggering, climbing 70 places in the last four years. The rise is a reflection of the leading research and innovative teaching pioneered by the university staff. The University’s ViceChancellor, Professor Sir Colin Campbell, attributes the success to “Nottingham’s continuous investment in facilities which are providing superb academic and development

opportunities for talented students, and demonstrates the attractiveness of our graduates to employers’”.

“Continuous investment in facilities are providing superb academic and development opportunities” This year has certainly been a successful one for the university; Nottingham was amongst the top three most popular UK universities named by leading graduate recruitment

by Sophia Hemsley

companies, in a survey by The Times newspaper this year. A Nottingham student was declared ‘UK Graduate of the Year’, and the University won ‘Students in Free Enterprise’ for the third year in succession. This global recognition also presents exciting opportunities for further international exchange and research programmes. In addition to Nottingham’s international campuses in China and Malaysia, it’s worldwide prestige is attracting growing numbers of foreign students, creating a truly multinational student body.

The Debate From the Left Even the question of debating a person’s right to free speech has an uncomfortable air around it. And so it should. It’s a difficult step to approve because like all civil liberties, in banning an act of free speech once, in encroaching on the right one time, you are committing a crime against all rights; you are making the right to commit all future acts vulnerable to doubt.

“There is a distinct di!erence between not stopping someone from spouting racist venom and encouraging them to do so.” It’s a mistaken plea by those that want to see the threat of extremism eradicated in Britain to call for the banning of any movement. They would, like any piece of filth, find the darkest and deepest hovel to exist in, most likely revelling in it, and using their new-found martyr status as evidence of the persecution of whichever section of society they claim to represent. The question of whether some should not be offered the platform to speak is not a matter of freedom of speech. There is a distinct difference between not stopping someone from spouting racist venom and encouraging them to do so. Invite anyone you want to speak at any University; just don’t invite those who will do harm, whose very presence creates fear, and who, in being invited by you, has their hate given life by your tacit validation. By Frances Ryan – Chair of Nottingham Labour Club

Drawing the line between openness to debate and tolerating extremism In light of the controversial Irving and Griffin debate at Oxford Union, Impact asks who should be given a speaking platform at Universities? On 26th November controversial right-wing speakers David Irving and Nick Griffin took part in an Oxford Union (OU) discussion on free speech. The episode triggered considerable protest and widespread debate over the appropriateness of such an event. The two speakers are both “Balliol College was highly controversial and widely forced to close its disliked. Nick Griffin, leader doors during the of the BNP, was arrested in 1998 for incitement to racial debate to protect its hatred and has continued students and private to be accused of racism. security firms were Meanwhile, David Irving has courted controversy by hired.” denying The Holocaust, for which he was convicted and imprisoned in Austria in 2006. Up to 1,000 protesters appeared at the debate and even broke into the debating chamber, disrupting the event. Complaints came from many groups, including the Equalities and Human Rights Commission. Conservative MP Dr Julian Lewis resigned from his life membership of the OU in protest, calling the event “naïve publicity seeking”. The OU justified the event by arguing that the best way to beat extremism was through debate. Other arguments being held include freedom of speech and the importance of considering a broad range of opinions. However, critics have complained that the OU was giving extremists a prestigious platform to stand on. In addition, the cost to Oxford University was significant; Balliol College was forced to close its doors during the debate to protect its students and private security firms were hired.

“It is only through listening to opinions totally opposed to your own that you can truly claim to be open to free speech”

Lately there have been controversies on our own University Park campus when George Galloway, the Respect MP, spoke at the University’s annual Sir Stanley Tomlinson Memorial Lecture. Forum, which arranges for a wide range of speakers to visit the University of Nottingham, have organised for neo-conservative Douglas Murray to speak here on December 4th 2007. Forum President, Sreya Rao, believes that: “It is only through listening to opinions totally opposed to your own that you can truly claim to be open to free speech”. Rao promises to continue “to provide students with a wide range of speakers to provoke debate and widen our knowledge free of charge.” For free speech on campus, the question remains: where do we draw the line between openness to debate and tolerating extremism? And at what cost to the University? By Fred Thorling

From the Right The United Kingdom is a bastion of tolerance, respect and diversity. We expect that not only of our people, but also extended to other’s beliefs as well. We have seen the moral fashionistas, or socialist autocrats, get annoyed once again for the recent Oxford Union debate allowing Nick Griffin and David Irving the right to speak. These people have got to grow up. The soppy, parochial, pathetically romantic fools that espouse this claptrap have got to accept that not all people in our great country believe in silencing those who do not believe in the divine right of sun-worshipping hippies to grace the peaks of Stone Henge every summer solstice, lightly pruning their overgrown and puss-ridden toenails.

“Better people than us gave their lives from freedom” Freedom is a gift that was nearly taken away from us by Nazism and Communism. Through free and fair debate, those of us on the sensible right (and dare I say of the loopy left) can crush these ideological dumb-kops through debate, and not through draconian, noplatform policies. Better people than us gave their lives for freedom. Give them the voice they deserve. Let them cock it up for themselves. By Craig Cox – President of Nottingham University Conservative Association

Sport Driven to Succeed

Jorge Pedro Galo Petiz appears to be like any other Nottingham University student. He enjoys going to the Cornerhouse, is a pretty useful Powerleague player, and has a perfectly healthy obsession with playing Final Fantasy. He takes trips to visit his girlfriend at university in Leeds, and to watch his fellow Portuguese countrymen play at Old Trafford and Stamford Bridge. Sitting in his final year Industrial Economics lecture, most of his classmates are oblivious to the fact that, while they were tasting that 5th shot of Tequila a few weekends ago; Pedro was savouring the sweet taste of victory in Barcelona, becoming Champion of the Renault Motorsport ‘Eurocup Mégane Trophy’. Winning the championship, two days before his 21st birthday, was the culmination of many years of hard work, dedication and an insatiable passion for racing. A determined individual, Pedro has always strived to balance his racing ambition with his academic studies. He has often faced the dual pressure of impending coursework deadlines and crucial championship races, with thousands of air miles being clocked up as he

by Mark Lomas

flies around Europe to each event.

“ Be aware that we have a potential

superstar in our midst at Nottingham Uni” Pedro’s career, like all the top racing drivers, has its roots in Karting. He quickly rose through the ranks in his native Portugal, building a reputation for his aggressive, confident style. In 2003, aged 17, he participated in Karting’s top tier ‘Formula A’, won in 2000 by Lewis Hamilton. Pedro tested an F1 car for the first time in 2004, having driven in Formula BMW and secured victory in the Vodafone Cup by SEAT. He was fast becoming recognised as the driver who, even if starting at the back of the grid, could still be pushing for victory come the chequered flag. A move to the ‘Eurocup Mégane Trophy’ junior class came in 2005 and he finished 3rd in the Championship. After being snapped up by both Nottingham University and the Iris Racing team senior class, Pedro pushed hard in 2006, finishing 90% of his races and laying the foundations for his incredible title triumph this year- with wins and podium places in every race he finished.

And now Pedro has the world at his feet. He has been signed up by renowned sports agent Jorge Mendes, the man who is responsible for Portuguese superstars Cristiano Ronaldo, Jose Mourinho and Deco, among other illustrious names. Teams from the World Touring Car Championship and the Le Mans series have been courting Pedro in preparation for next season, and he has already been awarded tests for the Renault World Series F3.5, a feeder to Formula 1. Be aware that we have a potential superstar in our midst at Nottingham Uni, one who could join the aforementioned list of Portuguese sporting elite Remember the name, Pedro Petiz. Special thanks to Pedro’s friend, Jose Fontes, who made this article possible. For more information on Pedro’s career profile and to help vote him 2007 Portuguese Driver of the Year, visit the Impact sports website: www.impactnottingham.com/sport

Halfway There A few weeks ago I had the pleasure of a brief interview with midfield engine George Hicks. One of the few members of Nottingham University Football Club’s 1st X1 who was in the squad last year, his maturity and selfconfidence are essential to the team. With the loss of so many of last year’s squad to graduation or year’s abroad, there is a young developing core to this year’s team. Five of the regular starters are freshers, whilst four played in the Intra-mural halls league last year. Needing to claim topspot for promotion to the top flight, the boys are currently in fourth. The

by Steve Dew-Jones

team is currently on a great run of form with the freshers maturing into their roles within the squad. Halfway through the season with only four games to go, Hicks still believes the team have got enough to win the league. Hicks highlighted the work of two particular individuals in the success of the 1st team: veteran manager John Sheridan who “kicks every ball from the touchline and is respected throughout the side” whom Hicks suggests is a cut above his peers, a talismanic captain. Throughout the NUFC set-up, things are looking good. In their respective leagues the 12

2 and 4 teams are top, whilst the 3rd team are second in their division nd

On a personal level George is struggling to find the balance between a busy football schedule and a hefty workload but he enthused that he “wouldn’t change it at all… just the chance to wear the shirt out on a Wednesday is enough”. It is clear that commitments of time and effort pale into insignificance in relation to the great relationships built and the potential success that lies just around the corner.

Taken to the Ice

“Never mind dancing on ice, this was boxing on ice!” I attended the mid-week Challenge Cup game verses the Newcastle Vipers: an exciting game which saw the Panthers hit 40 shots on goal, and was deservedly awarded Sky Sport’s game of the week. It possessed film-like suspense, fit for a sensationalised Mighty Ducks film: from 3-1 down the Panthers fought back to win 54, their final goal coming two minutes before time. Indeed, prior to the game my knowledge of ice-hockey was solely informed by the Mighty Ducks trilogy. The ‘Bash Brother’ type action I was keen to witness climaxed in the third period when two players whipped off their gloves and helmets to engage in an entertaining fist fight. Never mind dancing on ice, this was boxing on ice! Accepted as part of the game, the referees just stood and

Photo: Dave Page

If I say ice-skating, what comes to mind? Perhaps the TV series, ‘Dancing on Ice?’ Or perhaps you think of Torvill and Dean? But how many of you think of the Nottingham Panthers Ice Hockey team? It is easy to forget that Nottingham’s entertainment extends beyond Isis and Ocean, so I went to the National Ice Arena to find out if watching the Panthers is a recommendable alternative to a good night out, or even the place to start one. I was not disappointed.

watched before eventually feeling it was time to intervene! The skill of the players is immense; their speed, agility and precision cause you to forget that they are playing on ice. Ice hockey is not a strongly publicised force in UK sport due to the lack of facilities, whilst there are no major teams in the London region. However, in Nottingham, we have an elite team that fields five full Internationals and combines US, Canadian and European experience with home-grown talent: a team that has always played at the highest level and are the reigning Play-Off Champions. Owner of the Panthers, Neil Black, explained that his wife hates sport but loves to watch ice hockey, and he is keen for other girls who normally turn off at the word ‘sport’ to give this a chance. With a typical crowd split 60:40

Too Much, Too Young As sport at the top level moves ever further from its original and best purpose –recreation - the rewards of success grow higher. And as many young stars live their lives in reverse, from early fulfilment to disillusion and emptiness, the price increases too. Martina Hingis was a tennis prodigy from the start - a child barely able to run, but holding a racket and knocking a ball about. Hingis won the French Junior title aged 12, and at 16, she was all smiles having won the Wimbledon title in 1997. However, aged 19, in the 1999 French open final against Steffi Graf, she illustrated the effects of too much pressure - the young tennis princess threw tantrums as she continuously disputed a correct line call and desperately resorted to serving underarm to stay in the game - her mental failure was clear. This all indicated the problem of too much, too young. Jennifer Capriati was another

men to women, this is by no means a typical statistic for live sport. The arena’s flashing lights and pumping music combine with two convenient 15-minute ‘get-the-drinks-in’ intervals to create the perfect atmosphere for watching the Panthers. The special student price of only £8 is a great deal for a must-do experience. Competition The Panthers are kindly offering four free open-ended tickets to see a Panthers home game at the National Ice Arena. For details simply send your name and number to laura@panters.co.uk. The competition will close at the end of January.

by Emma Kennedy

by Gemma Casey

textbook case of tennis burnout. At 13, she was a six-million-dollar girl, showered with endorsement contracts. In 1991, she became the youngest Wimbledon semifinalist in history at the age of 15. But within two years, Capriati had tired of the game and was arrested for shoplifting and for possession of marijuana. Capriati had suddenly become the ultimate role model for failure.

“Our young sporting heroes need to be protected from mental as well as physical injuries” Let’s hope someone as talented as Amir Kahn doesn’t head down the same path. The 19- year-old Olympic medal-winning boxer announced last March that he was publishing his life story, A Boy from Bolton, in a deal said to be worth £500,000. His life is just beginning, why bring out an

autobiography now? The same is to be said for Wayne Rooney. The prodigious young talent that Everton were quietly grooming for stardom all-too-quickly became a household name after his sensational last-minute winner against 30match unbeaten Arsenal run. The wonder strike made Rooney the youngest player to score in the Premiership — an honour he stole from Michael Owen. His highmoney move to Manchester United was astounding for someone his age. Yet, his past temperament, on and off the pitch, indicates that he is not yet mature enough to receive the world-class status he is so readily given. Our young sporting heroes need to be protected from mental as well as physical injuries, instead of being targeted by advertisers as `the next best thing`. Such attention puts too much pressure on their careers, and their talent may never be fulfilled as a result.

4FU :PV 'SFF 8IFO ZPV GJOJTI 6OJWFSTJUZ XJMM UIF TFQBSBUF QBSUT PG ZPVS MJGF GJU UPHFUIFS Attending a campus university can make a person feel trapped and separate from the rest of the world and the rest of their life. It’s not just the physical location that seems isolating, the whole mindset places ‘home’ and ‘university’ in a binary opposition. Inevitably, you’ll need to find an escape from the strain of crafting yourself a satisfying existence so here are a few suggestions on and off campus in Nottingham. However, if you come across someone who found it first you’d do well to tiptoe gently away.

With only 1/200th of a share in the hall television major world events have been known to pass students by unnoticed, while dodgy internet connections and extortionate phone rates make it unsurprising that important friends, family members and pets (I speak to my dog) often go unspoken to for months. I find it staggering that for some time many of my university friends knew my greatest dreams and ambitions, and yet they had no idea how many brothers and sisters I had. Likewise, it took until my final year to realise that a friend of mine from halls speaks to his parents solely in welsh. After the first week of the brittle ice breakers- ‘Where do you come from?’, ‘What A Levels did you do?’, life at university swiftly moves on to: ‘What shall we do tonight?’, and, ‘Are you going to that careers talk?’. Conversations tend to face firmly forwards or concentrate on the here and now. The discussion of important family matters is usually reserved for friends

from home; friends who are on easy first name terms with Nan, friends who were there the time that Giles the Guinea Pig got crushed under the settee; friends who were in fact the reason Giles the Guinea Pig got crushed under the settee. Unless you’re someone who likes to keep all aspects of life in non-overlapping compartments, in which case psychological tests might deem you ‘most likely to have an affair’, then it is worthwhile thinking about how to amalgamate the important aspects of your life into a compatible whole. The ‘home in the holidays, Nottingham during term time’ arrangement might provide a welcome change of social scene now, but when you finish University will the separate parts of your life fit together? Or are you going to be left with a life where your friendships are governed by geographical location, perhaps phasing out those who don’t live within a 50 mile radius so you don’t have to spread yourself too thinly?

This is not suggesting that you compact all your loved ones into an isolated hamlet (though that is the plan I am putting in place for my friends after our retirement), it’s good to get away and visit people in other places. However, with the ties of modern careers and families, its not necessarily plausible to live a double, or even multiple life; the sort of existence where time constraints force you to make a choice between friends.

5SBQQFE JO UIF #VCCMF While you’re here take a good few ventures outside of the bubble and invite some people in. Being surrounded by thousands of people with an average age of 20 who are all trying to find out who they are, along with happiness, money, love, their library card and fulfilment, is bound to become too much to cope with at times. Making the most of university doesn’t mean at the expense of all else. It can seem that in order to fully succeed during your time at university your complete attention is required, body, brain and soul,

often to the detriment of relationships and interests elsewhere. In addition to this physical separation and the student-only mentality, technical and financial burdens play their part. When you can no longer recall the last time you saw someone under the age of 18 it is time to start adapting your lifestyle to reach outside the bubble so that when you graduate you won’t feel as though you’ve been torn from the safety of a familiar lover’s arms and thrust into the cold unknown. Jennifer McDerra

$BNQVT

Places to escape inside and outside the university bubble… Jennifer McDerra

-BLFTJEF "SUT $FOUSF When it suddenly dawns on you that you haven’t seen a child or a pensioner for what seems like forever, go here. The Lakeside Arts Centre isn’t just a theatre; it is also a lovely, spacious café and gallery which is open to the public as well as to members of the university. The food isn’t subsidised for students but this in itself may be the breath of fresh air you need; your choices aren’t limited to bread products smothered in sweet chilli sauce.

Science

Mingle in and remind yourself that you have other interests in life outside quantum physics, conceptual metaphor or King James I, feel the essay worries seep out of you, see what’s on at the theatre, speak to human beings who have jobs and realise that they are doing okay. Gradually you will remember that you too were once a well rounded individual.

Lakeside

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Millenium Garden Hallward

Portland

“One of the best places on campus, I can’t believe they let us go there. I thought it was for postgrads.” Apparently not. This little haven is the nearest stress exit from the Trent Building and the Hallward Library. It is so lovingly cultivated and flowery that it will remind you of being at home where people don’t use their gardens for parking the car.

Trent

" $IBSNJOH (SPWF PG 5SFFT Your number 34 bus is not yet here and you have definitely been waiting for more than 12 minutes. You are desperate to go and work in the solitude of your room because, quite frankly, everyone is doing your head in. It’s not fair and it’s probably you not them, but that aside, why do they have to keep walking so close to you? Look carefully at the number 34’s penultimate bus stop on campus. It is just opposite the Clive Granger building. Instead of sitting in the shelter with your feet protruding deliberately tripping people over then blaming them for touching you, turn around. Look up the grassy hill. There is a wee bench there where no one ever sits. Go and sit. You will suddenly find yourself in amongst a grove of trees looking out towards the lake. It feels miles away from the hubbub of the Portland building. It feels better.

Clive Granger

Trees

Portland

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5IF 8BSTBX %JOFS Screw the Daily Mail! I love Polish people and I really love the American-inspired, Polishrun, Warsaw Diner on Derby Road. I especially recommend their cooked breakfast. Everything is freshly prepared and comes with unlimited coffee (take note Hallward). Itâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s wonderfully kitsch, wonderfully unique and a great place to start the day.

Warsaw Diner

ad Ro rby De

Its calm, cool interior is a powerful contrast to the busy city outside. During the day its doors are unlocked and all are welcome inside. It may not be aesthetically breathtaking but it does have some fine stain-glass windows, religious icons and that familiar church smell.

Kate Lynch

Cathedral

St. Barnabasâ&#x20AC;&#x2122; Cathedral North Circus St Nottingham, NG1 5AE 0115 953 9839

The Warsaw Diner 93-95 Derby Road, Nottingham. NG1 5BB 0115 950 8500

Castle

Market Sq.

5IF -FOUPO $FOUSF

Ca stle Blv d.

Lenton Centre

Road Derby

Lenton Blvd.

Photos and illustrations by Meryl Day

Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;m not a great one for proclaiming the joys of physical exercise, but the Lenton Centre has won my heart and my alliegiance. The staff are helpful and friendly, the equipment very decent and the price is only ÂŁ15 per month (all inclusive). Being a charity that is run by local people means that it is completely dependent on membership fees for its survival. So, students of Nottingham unite and join up. The Lenton Centre Willoughby Street, Lenton, Nottingham NG7 1RQ. 01159 155 848

Andrew

Gibson

There are terrible things in the world and to dwell on them would be morbid. Nevertheless, this month’s column is about the grim possibility of Afghanistan being lost to the Taliban.

ressure ire public p Does it requ to hold a t governmen to force the Kelly’s r D to quest in coroner’s in death? Yes it requires the public and the media to argue for it, because politicians are inherently cowardly and whether they agree with me or not they won’t put there heads above the parapet.

of government With the new w ne s hi n and Gordon Brow res the main figu ve ha t, d? cabine he at sc escaped un responsible They have escaped unscathed and it’s my job to make sure their reputations aren’t intact. Jack Straw is still there as Minister of Justice, Geoff Hoon is Chief Whipp, John Scarlett who connived to distort intelligence is now head of MI6, Alastair Campbell is making millions of pounds from his diaries and most ironically of all, Tony Blair is now the Middle Eastern peace envoy so they’re all still there. The only ones who’ve paid the price are those who tried to report the news accurately, and that’s the BBC.

feel in light of Finally, do you will has gone on, he at everything th ? sly ou st-hum be honoured po I don’t think so, as the honours that are given post humously tend to be for those who have died in the field such as the George Cross. However, the fact of the matter is whether or not the government covered up that he was murdered or not as I believe or that it was suicide as others believe, the fact of the matter is that the government treated Dr David Kelly abominably and they ought to try and make amends for that.

A Taliban resurgence has taken place in the last two years. Last year, the Associated Press put the number of insurgency-related deaths, both civilian and military, at over five thousand and most aid agencies can no longer operate in large swathes of the country due to increased levels of violence. The tactics have also changed. Fierce battles in the south and east are now complemented with targeted bombings The Senils in the cities. Council Last month, a claim that whole six years the Taliban now have a after NATO permanent declared ‘victory presence in in Kabul’, a 54% of the suicide bomber country injured twentytwo civilians during a visit to the capital from Robert Gates, the US Defence Secretary. Insurgents staged over a hundred suicide attacks last year, the majority appearing to aim at impeding the establishment of legitimate government institutions. The Senils Council, an independent think-tank with an office in Kabul and field research in the Kandahar and Helmand provinces, claim that the Taliban now have a permanent presence in 54% of the country.

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high time It is indeed elevated Dr Kelly was dal that, above the scan aimed his either way, cl life

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NATO’s dual approach of military engagement with friendly, peoplecentred reconstruction efforts is having mixed results. £7.5 Billion worth of aid has been pumped into the country since 2001, which has had partial benefits for some. For example, over six million children, 38% of them being female, now attend formal education. This particular progress has been countered by a string of psychologically effective insurgent attacks on schools, mostly torchings, and in one particularly disgusting act, the assassination of two female students at their school gate about 30 km west of Kabul. Poverty, civilian anger at ‘collateral damage’ and Taliban recruits from the madrassas on the Afghan-Pakistan border are all helping to fuel the insurgency and undermine the construction of a government and the reconstruction of the country. If the security situation does not drastically improve and international Afghanistan and Afghan is doomed government forces to a future do not fully win of power over the Afghan struggles people, all of this money, planning and effort will be like masturbating furiously into the sea; an intriguing but essentially futile pursuit. Indeed, it may be that the sheer scale and complexity of the task at hand, particularly with unstable regional neighbours, means that Afghanistan is doomed to a future of power struggles. To lose the present struggle to the Taliban, a very real possibility, would be one of the most depressing things imaginable.

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How many birthdays have you grimaced and said something like, “21? God we’re all getting so old…?” Gone are the days in which being a few months older than your friends was something to boast about in the playground and in comes the fear that it’s all going too fast. While there’s something to be said for savouring your salad days, it’s a little sinister to assume that the good life ends with your first wrinkle. It’s not only that we have a negative attitude towards ageing, but also towards the aged themselves. Life at a campus university has the obvious effect of making the older population near invisible to us, but the media has its part to play too. The over 65s make up 18% of the population and yet when they do make a rare media appearance, they are portrayed as society’s burden rather than a part of society. If we accept the image of the elderly constructed by advertising, they do nothing but coast tranquilly up stair lifts and take swimsuit-clad baths while smiling beatifically. It’s no wonder that we look to our twilight years with a shudder. Current life expectancy, which is being pushed back at the rate of two months each year in this country, means that we can hope to live to around 85, which means twenty years of seniorcitizen life. That seems a big chunk of life to write off, and why should we?

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Why we need to stop being gloomy about the twilight years and see older people in a new light.

e m Sa OldS tory

It could be argued, after all, that the student lifestyle is peculiarly similar to that of the elderly, and if anyone has the edge it’s probably not us. Consider… Much of student stress comes from the terrifying ‘What am I going to do with my life?’ and ‘who am I?’ question. The elderly, in contrast, have the comfort of having made these bothersome decisions and can relax. They can just be themselves, loudly and offensively if they so wish. This must be very soothing. Why do we fear losing our style as we age? Clearly the dress-sense of the senior citizen and the student are spookily similar. Consider the stress on comfort: is the ubiquitous Ugg boot not the outdoor equivalent of the fluffy slipper? Don’t those who wear pyjamas to the Hallward library yearn for a wardrobe full of elasticated waist-bands? The style too is similar; look closely at those vintage floral dresses and tell me honestly that you’re granny doesn’t have something similar. And as for you trendy indie boys, it’s you and the old men who are keeping the cardigan industry afloat… Old people tend to be less keen on the mad-for-it party lifestyle which students so love… or do they? Observe closely the behaviour of students as they approach third year and the increasing adoration for staying in, watching crap TV and playing Scrabble. While we are mocked for embracing a gentler 20

lifestyle, the elderly can do so without guilt or apology. While it is our responsibility to protect the elderly from the neglect, abuse and quite staggering levels of poverty which go largely ignored at present, it should not blind us to what a vigorous and powerful group they are. Improved health-care allows older people to stay active longer and they play a huge, but largely unacknowledged part, in unpaid roles in the charity sector and childcare. What’s more, the ‘grey vote’ has quite a clout: 75% of the over-65s voted in the last election compared to just 37% of the 18-24 age group. Dove’s new ‘Pro-Age’ campaign may be just a plot to sell face cream, but it’s proof that purchasing power can push positive images of older people into the public eye. When the baby boomers swell their numbers, we really will have to sit up and listen to grandma. This marginalisation may be on its way out, not because we are having a cultural change-of-heart, but because that margin is fattening up to become a group worth courting. We ought to rethink our prejudices against the elderly, not only because it is socially responsible, but because they are going to play an increasingly important role in society: we all need to learn to walk in time with the onward march of society’s beslippered feet.

Tea With Terrorists Impact’s Tristan Kennedy goes to Lebanon and Iran to meet members of the terrorist organisation, Hezbollah, and finds his assumptions about the Middle East unfounded.

nyone with an interest in current affairs will find it difficult to avoid forming negative opinions about the Middle East. Yet my western perceptions of the ‘Islamic terrorist’ were miles away from the man from Hezbollah introducing himself to me. While I was hardly expecting him to stroll into the cafe wrapped in a chequered headscarf and waving a Kalashnikov, I had sort of been hoping that, as a member of a militant Islamic terrorist organisation, he would look, well, more militant. Instead I saw a middleaged man in a smart shirt and chinos, holding out his hand to us.

“Doubts had been gnawing away as I nervously stirred my co!ee, acutely aware of the stares I was attracting” The apparent contradictions in Hezbollah’s position had excited my interest; here was a group that the US and UK governments listed as a terrorist organisation. In Lebanon, politics is so all-pervasive that everyone has an opinion, and every conversation turns to politics sooner or later. Sitting in a restaurant with friends one evening our waiter, Hasan, disagreed with several of my preconceptions about Hezbollah, but pleased that we seemed interested, he revealed that he knew several members of the party and could possibly introduce us to them. They, he said, would be able to explain to us what they were really about much better than he would. Naturally we jumped at the chance and about a week later we found ourselves sitting around the Fun Café’s Pepsi branded

tables with a member of an international terrorist organisation. Our Lebanese hosts had told us that Hezbollah were liable to attack foreigners, and although I suspected that their views were pretty partisan, doubts had been gnawing away as I nervously stirred my coffee, acutely aware of the stares I was attracting. I had been wondering whether it was safe to be so far from the well-trodden tourist districts; doubting whether it was wise to come to Lebanon at all at a time when the Foreign Office warns against all travel to the country. I’d been starting to wonder whether my parents might have been right when they told me that Lebanon and Iran, although interesting, were not exactly the most intelligent choices for holiday destinations. So why then, was I sitting down to drink tea and smoke narghile shisha pipes with Abu Ali? Since coming to Lebanon I’d begun to question some of my previous ideas about Hezbollah. I’d been expecting the dire warnings about kidnappings that we got from our Lebanese hosts, who were pro-government Christians, and the cheery hotel receptionist. I’d also expected to see the barbed-wire barricades and the soldiers restricting access to the central Solidère District of Beirut, where the Hezbollah-led opposition had been camping out for the last one hundred and fifty days, protesting against the unconstitutional makeup of the pro-American government. What I hadn’t expected was that it would be so easy to stroll across the barricades. Or that, after a bit of initial bewilderment, the students camping 22

out on the other side would be so willing to chat to us. Alright, they asked us not to take photos, but a suspicion of photography is something everyone seemed to have in Lebanon. Where, I wondered, were the hardened Islamic militants I’d been expecting? These were just teenagers, keen to practice their broken English and show off their knowledge of Premiership football.

“I’d been starting to wonder whether my parents might have been right when they told me that Lebanon and Iran, although interesting, were not exactly the most intelligent choices for holiday destinations” During my visit, I had also seen a lot of the damage inflicted by the previous summer’s war, when Israel invaded Lebanon in an attempt to stamp out Hezbollah. Practically every bridge in the country had been destroyed by the Israeli bombing campaign. While the accepted interpretation of this war in the West was that Hezbollah triggered this conflict by abducting two Israeli soldiers, many of the Lebanese people I spoke to, Christians as well as Muslims, hailed Hezbollah as the liberators of their country in the face of foreign aggression. Certainly the conflict had boosted Hezbollah’s political profile in Lebanon, and made them massively popular - the exact opposite of what the Israeli government intended. Warfare may not be an activity that we associate with an ordinary political party; in Lebanon, after years of civil war, practically every political party is linked to a private

45 people died when the Israelis bombed this building

The Hezbollah flag

militia. Lebanese politicians know that were these militias to become involved in politics, a new civil war might break out, and so, usually (relatively) peaceful democracy reigns. By contrast to these militias the Lebanese army is weak and ineffectual and many Lebanese viewed Hezbollah as the only force capable of protecting them.

“Practically every bridge in the country had been destroyed by the Israeli bombing campaign” Abu Ali began by asking a few questions of his own, wanting to check that we were just the curious students we claimed to be. Then, over the course of three hours, he proceeded to confirm what I had been beginning to suspect, that there was more to Hezbollah than meets our Western eyes. He explained to us that though he was a member, he also wasn’t, and never had been, a fighter. However, he explained, there is far more to Hezbollah than fighting. With Hasan I later visited some of the areas of South Beirut that had been worst hit by Israeli bombing. Where apartment blocks had once stood open craters now yawned; we stood on what was once the foundation of an eleven story apartment complex where forty-five people had been killed when it was bombed to the ground. We were told by two bystanders however that, relative to the hundreds who had lived in the four building complex, the death toll was remarkably low as Hezbollah had been organising an evacuation prior to the air-strike and a rescue effort afterwards. In some areas of the country Hezbollah provide the services that the overstretched Lebanese government cannot afford. In overcrowded South Beirut, for example, the organisation took it upon themselves to ease the problem of traffic congestion by paying unemployed young men to direct traffic. They’ve also been heavily involved in the reconstruction of homes damaged in last year’s war, and not just those of their Shi’ite supporters. It is no wonder that Hezbollah are extremely popular. Yet I still suspected they were no more than excellent fighters and very good propagandists, and when I put this to Abu Ali, he attempted to put their opposition

to Israel into context, citing the eighteen years during which Israel occupied (illegally, according to the United Nations) a strip of Southern Lebanon, supposedly to ensure their own security. Although, according to Abu Ali “Israel treats us like animals”, he also claimed that Hezbollah’s main aim was to rid Lebanon of foreign influence but not to destroy Israel. But what about the charge that Hezbollah is in the pay and under the orders of the oppressive Iranian regime? While they share their Shi’ite religion and culture with Iran, Hezbollah, Abu Ali claimed, are an independent movement who don’t practice or condone many of the nastier aspects of the Iranian regime. There are no (public) hangings in the areas of Lebanon which effectively fall under their control and though it is encouraged, the hijab or veil isn’t imposed upon their women. He also claimed that most of their money came from businessmen like himself, and ordinary Lebanese people; he pointed out the ubiquitous donations box in the corner of the ‘Fun Café’.

“Where, I wondered, were the hardened Islamic militants I’d been expecting? These were just teenagers, keen to practice their broken English and show o! their knowledge of Premiership football” Abu Ali came across as a reasonable thinking, middle-aged man who is moderate and tolerant in his interpretation of Islam and open to hearing our views. He was certainly not militant, misogynistic or even particularly radical or rabidly anti-Israeli. Had he been English, he would have been a very respectable, middle-class member of society, and yet in Lebanon he was a member of an organization that we in the UK consider to be terrorists. Ali, whose party my government have outlawed, was welcoming, polite and willing to hear another point of view. Yet even someone like me, who’d like to consider myself educated, found I was surprised when my prejudices were incorrect. We’d like to believe what we in the West read and hear is free, fair, and un-biased, but how far does it really show us the view from the other side? Tristan Kennedy 23

Is this what terrorists look like then?

The protesters’ camp that brough Beirut to a standstill

Children pose for their father in front of an Israeli tank

Love Will Tear Us Apart Romance, the Marmite emotion. Love it or hate it, it’s all around us, in the tentative embraces at Hallward or, depending on your perspective, in the near pornographic frolics of Ocean. Yet, where upon the spectrum of random pulls and commitment do students find themselves? “Chang chang chang-itty chang shoo-bop, we’ll always be together!” Bless the delusions of rose tinted teen pap, naively promising happy endings beyond the sunset of first love. Alas, those who’ve ventured into the wilds of relationships may understand that making everything swell goes beyond the Grease mantra of babbling incoherent gibberish. Yet, can we go as far as launching a smear campaign against all romantic pairings? His majesty, Burt Bacharach proclaimed that all you get is “lies, pain and sorrow.” Eek! Well, I suppose four marriages have burdened him with a hefty chip upon his sombre shoulders. So ought we to take heed of his cynical wisdom, or treat it as little more than a bitter blemish upon such a natural craving to attract the object of our desires? Once we have fluttered from the family nest, our personalities can

flourish in the hedonistic climate of University life. This intense culture of highly facilitated socialising can often overwhelm our sense of sexual etiquette in light of the many glittering avenues of flirtation and desire made available to us. Consequently, promiscuity is no longer a flight of fancy and is now free to seduce our libidos into slovenly submission. Indeed, not everybody is a weak willed sheep, waiting to frivolously bitch slap their relationships with deceitful flings. But to what extent can this hectic social wonderland nurture an interdependent union between people?

“The poison apple of the University culture threatens to corrupt relationships because student self-indulgence often fails to accommodate the needs of another person” It seems relationships have come to resemble Charades: with so many rules and so little time, it’s near impossible to figure out a coherent meaning from the jumbled up nonsense your partner is spouting at you. Inevitably, an effective balance of interests within the relationship dynamic is one of the most difficult, and frustrating, feats to achieve. So how far can we pander to social self gratification, whilst also trying to appease another person with their own unique brand of issues? As social creatures that are innately selfish and self absorbed, we generally behave according to our more hedonistic impulses. We crave adoration in order to inflate our egos with bragging rights because, accompanying our bloated sense of vanity, is the

fear of rejection and abandonment. Hence, the competing demands upon our attention are further complicated by this incessant yearning for approval, aimed at comforting our fragile insecurities. A strange reality has evolved, in which relationships ignite our senses with a flurry of enamouring butterflies, whilst simultaneously undermining our greedy longing for self determination. They act to curb extroversion, whereby your private life morphs in nature so as to restrict the liberty of socialising, or your behaviour when doing so. Of course, relationships aren’t spoil sports; they don’t pillage our zest for life. But they do prompt us to play games in order to salvage as much autonomy as possible. In the battle of the sexes, women resist being under the male thumb and men never wish to be emasculated by a domineering girlfriend, at least not in public anyway. Therein lies the treacherous tactics of the ‘power game’. The premise is that the future terrain of the relationship can be determined during the fledgling weeks of dating. Within this strategy is a whole range of ancillary games, engineered to prioritise your whims over those of another in the least repelling manner possible. The most common tactic concerns the textual gauntlet of initial contact. In order to gain command, we must smother our eagerness and nonchalantly delay our replies, so that the other person is left dangling in anxious anticipation. This emotional tug of war allows us to gage the neediness of our potential partner and determine whether they intend to harass us until we unwittingly surrender to their possessiveness. Thus, the ‘power game’ acts as a ‘bunny

boiler’ safety value. The danger is, however, that these habits could linger around to create an unattractive cocky streak. Alas, once dazzled by the carefree atmosphere of communal living, this approach becomes a femme fatale when juggling one’s private and public loyalties. The name of the game is to restrain the relationship by prolonging the chase and regulating the level of intimacy involved. By adopting aloof attitudes we are more liberated to do as we wish, because the expectations of doting on the other person have been stalled.

“As opposed to romantically growing fonder, absence can cause feelings to stagnate into worried itches upon overactive imaginations” If the theory holds true and every girl does, in fact, love a bastard then go go gadget arrogance! But this tactic breeds frustrations and resentments, which will forever prevent two lives from intermingling. Inevitably, people are not mugs, so those who follow this redundant tactic will not be privy to many longterm relationships. However, is this simply a trait of the student lifestyle, to be discarded along with our graduation caps? It is best to consider those hybrid relationships which span the University borders. Increased mobility means that long distance relationships are rife in the student body, whether with those imported from home, or those which disband upon graduation. Theoretically, these situations should relax the strain of loving attentiveness, as we are able to complacently flounce those duties made impractical by the distance. However, to proclaim that these endeavours are a doddle would be ludicrous. Relationships require intimacy, stemming from either proximity, or sheer ‘no holds barred’ dedication and effort, which can prove to be quite problematic in these circumstances. Yet, it is implicit that distance will be an issue for most couples because a student community is inherently transient, with no universal origin shared amongst its members. So what happens when the normality of the relationship is ruptured

by different locations? In these circumstances, it becomes difficult to latch onto fundamental aspects of a relationship as, once inside the campus pressure cooker, every point of reference becomes distant and foreign. Ok so your cards aren’t necessarily marked if you have a long distance relationship, but can it truly survive when it’s lacking in unity? The initial focus of University revolves around asserting your independence and individuality amidst a sea of strangers. This lifestyle has a knack of swallowing us up in its demands to integrate into the bustling social bubble and rope together a group, around which to structure this new life. Consequently, our survival instincts seep out any latent confidence we may have, so as to assist us in befriending as many randomers as possible. To this extent, the reality of having a relationship becomes blurred so that you are, effectively, whittled down into an unattached individual. Hence, partners can become disenfranchised by this new individualised reality, in which your experiences will become progressively divorced from each other’s. Unfortunately, distance is the crippling torn in the side of many relationships. As opposed to romantically growing fonder, absence can cause feelings to stagnate into worried itches upon overactive imaginations. Particularly in the first few weeks of joining the student rabble, communications fluctuate as frets of exclusion or missing out occupy our concerns. Insecurities find their Eden in the frustrations of what is left unsaid, where jealousies and suspicions fill in the gaps to ripen the clouds of uncertainty. This dismantling of feelings elicits various reactions, whether in accusatory outbursts, the Friends route of taking a ‘break’, or perhaps even subscribing to the ‘different postcodes rule’ and cheating on each other.

“The reality of having a relationship becomes blurred so that you are, effectively, whittled down into an unattached individual” The poison apple of the University culture threatens to corrupt

relationships because student self-indulgence often fails to accommodate the needs of another person. Indeed, even venturing into the elusive Sutton Poddington proved too epic for one of my friends. So are students eternally destined to be found staggering along walks of shame, consumed by remorse for that unfortunate pull the night before? Well, despite popular opinion, we’re not a breed of lustful whores. Once our educational lifespan has expired, the pathway is not as cluttered or irresponsible as when we first came to embrace the full girth of student independence. No longer are we enveloped within this University microcosm, playing ping pong with endorsed nights and the influential assumptions of getting wasted. Perhaps relationships will never be perfect, but, once beyond the bubble, the big bad world sobers our antics so that the grudge match between socialising and romancing is finally subdued.

Alexander Dolphin

grapevine Thursday 24th January

SU events Lakeside

Saturday 2nd February

Royal String Quartet Concert - 7.30pm - Lakeside Arts Centre

London Bridge Ensemble Concert - 7.30pm Lakeside Arts Centre

This internationally renowned Polish string quartet presents a concert including works by Haydn, Shostakovich and Dvorak. Djanogly Recital Hall £12/£9 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

One of Britain’s most exciting and brilliant young chamber groups presents a programme of Mozart, Frank Bridge and Dvorak. Djanogly Recital Hall £12/£9 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Monday 28th January Friday 1st February Healthy Living Week Students’ Union Welfare, Athletic Union, Environmental & Social Justice, and Active Lifestyle Eat healthily, drink responsibly, stay active, and maintain good sexual health… don’t forget to rubber up! Cycle your way to a healthier lifestyle and come along to the Portland Building (opposite Students’ Union reception) on Monday 28th Jan to make your own free smoothie on the smoothie bike!!! Plus many more fun things going on from Yoga and swimming, to free STI testing… Check out the new SU website for more info! www.su.nottingham.ac.uk

Wednesday 30th January Dave Liebman Quartet Jazz Concert - 8pm Lakeside Arts Centre American saxophonist Dave Liebman joins forces with Phil Robson, guitar, Dave Whitford, bass and Jeff Williams, drums to present what should be an exciting evening of jazz music. Djanogly Theatre £15/£12 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Monday 4th February Friday 8th February Mental Health Awareness Week Students’ Union Welfare Is Student Mental Health important to you? Over 30% of people in Britain experience mental health problems every year… ‘Mind’s vision is of a society that promotes and protects good mental health for all, and that treats people with experience of mental distress fairly, positively, and with respect’ (Mind, 2007). Help share this vision. Help stop the stigma and discrimination that often surrounds mental health issues by joining with us in celebrating good mental health. For details of the events and workshops going on this week check out the Students’ Union welfare campaigns homepage… www.su.nottingham.ac.uk or email Jenny Smith (Welfare Officer) on suwelfare@nottingham.ac.uk.

Friday 8th February LaXula Concert - 8pm - Lakeside Arts Centre LaXula’s dark and beguiling sound draws on a myriad of influences including flamenco, Arabic, tango and Roma, liberally laced with indie-rock. Djanogly Theatre £15/£12 Concessions/£5 Restricted View www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Wednesday 20th February Kila Concert - 8pm - Lakeside Arts Centre The ever impressive Dublin based Kila have played to audiences across the globe. Their 2007 album Gambler’s Ballet combines the restless energy of traditional Irish folk music with an enticing mix of world fusion. Djanogly Theatre £15/£12 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Thursday 21st February ‘Eternity and Immortality’ Concert - 7.30pm Lakeside Arts Centre Matthew Schellhorn, piano, Elizabeth Cooney, violin, Julian Bliss, clarinet and Richard Harwood, cello celebrate the centenary of Messiaen’s birth in a concert performance that includes his extraordinary Quatuor pour la fin du Temps. Djanogly Recital Hall £12/£9 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Sunday 24th February University Philharmonia Concert - 7.30pm Lakeside Arts Centre The University’s own Philharmonia presents a programme of stimulating and invigorating orchestral music including Bartok’s Dance Suite, Bloch’s Baal Shem and Musorgsky’s Pictures at an Exhibition. Great Hall, Trent Building £8/£5 Concessions/£4 UON Students www.lakesidearts.org.uk

SU featured week

Thursday 31st January Silk String Quartet Concert - 7.30pm Lakeside Arts Centre The quartet is the first and only Chinese string quartet in the UK and Europe and combines traditional and modern, Chinese and Western music in a fresh and creative way. Djanogly Recital Hall £12/£9 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

Featured Event… CLOTHES SALE 2008 After the success of last years clothes sale, its back for February 2008. The sale will take place from Monday 25th to Wednesday 27th February 2008 on behalf of the charity TRAID (Textile Recycling For Aid And International Development) in the Portland atrium. In order for the sale to be as successful as

Saturday 16th February Concert by Colin Carr, cello and Tom Sauer, piano - 7.30pm - Lakeside Arts Centre Colin Carr returns to Lakeside to present an allBeethoven concert programme. Djanogly Recital Hall £12/£9 Concessions www.lakesidearts.org.uk

last year’s, we need your spare clothes. Any clothes that you no longer wear could help us raise money for this worthy cause. Please collect all the clothes you can spare and drop them off at the SCA office (located on the ground floor of Portland building, opposite Student Activities) and don’t forget to come along between 25th and 27th February to pick up a bargin

We, as a Union, have responded to calls from our members to be less bureaucratic, listen to them better and communicate what we are doing. The week will include ‘Ask the President’ sessions across our campuses, ‘Have your say on…’ sessions which would be on a range of issues which may include ‘dodgy landlords’, ‘libraries’, and ‘the loss of the revision week’ amongst others. We’ll be running market research throughout the week to find out what our members think of Mooch and The Venue, our shops, Pioneer Travel and the Print Shop. We’ll be launching the new SU website this week and of course there will be refreshers’ fayre on Tuesday 23rd and Wednesday 24th of January in the Portland Building.

IMPACT NEEDS A MANAGING EDITOR We Write, We Publish, We Win Awards… Impact is run voluntarily by students for students, and at the moment we are looking for a MANAGING EDITOR to direct the ever-increasing number of articles, staff, and contributors at the magazine. This is a fantastic opportunity, in the past Impact’s Senior Editors have gained fantastic opportunities in journalism, marketing and beyond using experience at Impact on their CVs. We’ve recently won prizes from both The Guardian and the NUS in national competitions, so we stand at the highest level of student journalism in the country. So who are we looking for? A managing editor should be able to be responsible for the way magazine operates, keeping the cogs turning at all times. You don’t need to be a writer, but you do need to be dedicated, approachable, and enthusiastic. In other words, we need someone who can make things happen. An understanding of Photoshop and web design is useful but not essential. Apart from the obvious benefits to your CV, while working at the magazine you’ll also have the opportunity to conduct highprofile interviews, chase leads in groundbreaking stories, and have access to events and venues across Nottingham. So if there’s much more to you than a 2.1 degree mark, send an e-mail to magazine@impactnottingham.com and ask for more details. Hustings for this position are likely to occur after the January exams. P.S. Writers can always submit stories and opinions to magazine@impactnottingham.com

impactnottingham.com/travel

Tehran, Iran While I knew that Iran wasn’t the stone-age state that some newspapers would have us believe, I was surprised by just how modern it seemed to be. Urban kids riding the shiny new Tehran metro dressed in Dolce & Gabbana, and the fashion mullet seems to be de rigueur. In spite of this westernisation however, we still attracted some stares; it may have been my sister’s conservative interpretation of the hijab laws which made us stand out - what I’d seen of local girls suggested she’d been taking the rule about not showing off your figure a little too literally, so much for the repressive atmosphere of fanatical Islam. There are, of course, the official ‘Down with the USA’ murals in Tehran, but the only people paying these any attention were the tourists. Most people’s reaction to us was friendly interest, bordering at times on overwhelming. Complete strangers picnicking in a park with their family asked us to join them for tea, and when we’d said our goodbyes and began to stroll off, another group about a hundred metres further along

insisted that we sit down and join them. An off-duty carpet seller drove us miles out of town to visit the historic dovecotes that he said we simply had to see, while his young assistant chatted away in cockney rhyming slang, pestering us to teach him newer and more vulgar phrases. Everywhere in Iran I was asked the same two questions: What do you think of Iran? And what do people back in England think of Iran? The longer I stayed, the easier it became to answer the first question - Iran is a very naturally beautiful country, with some of the most stunning architecture I’ve ever seen, and some of the world’s friendliest people. Yet the longer I spent with these people, the harder I found it to give an honest answer to the second question - how many English people think of mad mullahs with nuclear weapons? Reza, a retired naval

captain who now drove a cab told us, with an air of certainty that it was only governments who had problems with each other, ‘Ordinary people like you and me, you know, we the same, we understand each other.’ I heard the same sentiment from many Iranians and was surprised by how openly critical of their government they were able to be. Having always been critical of our own government’s Middle Eastern policy, I didn’t find it hard to agree that they were as much to blame as the Ayatollahs for the misconceptions that blighted the relations between the West and Iran. I assured many people, from young English students to retired ex-Maths teachers, that yes, it was only our government who were anti-Iranian, but the more I thought about it, the more I began to wonder whether this was actually true.

Tristan Kennedy

Alternative City Breaks: Bratislava, Slovakia Arriving in Bratislava airport, I was greeted gruffly by a heavy-set, weatherbeaten Slovakian man for my hotel transit. Unsurprisingly, conversation on the journey was limited, so I settled for looking out of the window. Until you get to the city centre, the sights are not thrilling; towering blocks of grey flats and disused railways with the only splashes of colour coming in the shape of Slovakian graffiti. Arriving in the town, however, things begin to change; after tipping the cab-driver enough to buy a semi-detached house, I was ready to explore.

Despite the overbearing echoes of the Cold War, there is a real beauty and majesty about the city. The fast-flowing River Danube and the architectural genius of the New Bridge which dissects it, as well as the looming Bratislava Castle which sits atop of the hill looking over the entire city, are all unmissable. Sights aside, the most impressive thing about Bratislava was the food and drink. The town’s oldest pub is a gargantuan, confusing array of different rooms, winding uneven staircases and narrow corridors. The dishes they serve are all original 28

Slovak delicacies and although the menu’s English translation may not be that impressive (delights included ‘Shepherd’s Bag’ and ‘Underbelly of Pig with Sauce of the Chef ’) the food was incredible, mounds of potatoes and a variety of meats. If had you placed an average Slovakian meal in front of Dr Atkins (RIP) he may have soiled himself. Not only was the food fantastic but the beer was like nothing I had ever tasted, even recalling it now makes my taste buds tingle. On arrival of the bill, I was shocked to the point of speechlessness, I am tempted to use the word reasonable but that wouldn’t do it justice, I felt as if I was robbing them. by Niall Farmer

“Sex? No. Just a van. $1000” Not an advertisement that would normally attract an innocent young girl such as me. But, as they say, sex sells.

realised we had something special on our hands.

Two days later, my friend and I were travelling New Zealand, proud owners of a 1988 Nissan Vannette. Proud may be an overstatement; this was a lump of rusting junk. The ‘state of the art’ sound system was a cassette player, the promise of ‘so much more’ was actually some half opened food, a broken stove and some smelly blankets. But armed with some furry dice and copious amounts of air freshener, we

During four weeks chugging around New Zealand’s north and south islands, we had some ups and downs. Aside from only reaching around 50kmh, and the worrying stream of thick white smoke pumping out the exhaust, breakdowns became a daily event. We also managed to completely drain the battery by listening to Elton John’s greatest hits all night – on cassette, of course. Against advice we also slept in our van, on the side of roads, in parks, sometimes in the gutter. Once we were woken up by a security warden for illegal parking, another time for stopping on the starting line of a drag race. One delightful morning involved a wake up call by a naked man doing yoga and thrusting his ‘cat position’ in through the window.

We got lost countless times, went round in circles for hours and generally drove abysmally. We accidentally gate-crashed a wedding, picked up non-sinister hitch hikers and sped away from drunken Germans with the extensive vocabulary of ‘Ahh, English girls!’. However, we also had the opportunity to find some truly incredible places, meet a lot of lovely people and even spot a Kiwi or two. Like so many things made in the ‘80s, our van was a joke and a painfully unpredictable eyesore. For all its faults, it wasn’t half bad. I remain undecided on whether it is better than sex. Anna Sarjeant

Kayaking in Siberia and Mongolia This summer I was lucky enough to be chosen to join the 2007 British University Kayak Expedition to travel to Siberia and Mongolia. It was definitely the experience of a lifetime. Imagine having all your camping equipment and food tucked away in dry bags, squashed in the back of a 2.5 meter plastic kayak, battling your way down raging rapids and hydraulics, some of which have the potential to suck you and your team mates out of your boat and leave you at the mercy of the elements. Some of the rivers I encountered on my kayaking trip had never been kayaked before. I could have been venturing to the bottom of an inescapable gorge, or end

up somewhere up to a weeks hike to the nearest road. We took these prospective dangers in our stride. We were unlucky to hit Mongolia in a drought. Drastic action was needed if we were going to find the white (kayakable) water. We studied our maps and hiked over a hill to find a stunning river that seemed to have been waiting for our arrival. It started with four waterfalls in a row and progressed down into a stunning steep sided gorge with many awesome rapids on the way. It was incredible to know that our hard work had paid off and we were the first people ever to kayak this river and its waterfalls. Back in Siberia we packed our food and equipment into our boats for the next six days in the Siberian wilderness. The river levels were very high and the team battled down some fierce white water. We absolutely loved the experience of testing our mettle on a raging Siberian river for eight hours a day and then chatting around a blazing campfire in the evening.

This was just one Siberian river out of six, two days in Mongolia out of two weeks, a few close shaves out of many, a few stories out of hundreds and few good times out of millions. With thanks to Nottingham Alumni for financial aid, Run and Jump who supplied us with some great off -water gear and Palm Equipment and Pyranha Kayaks for supplying us with kayaking equipment. Graham Milton

MODERN AMERICA

Styling: Mary-Anne Veit, Rachel Banks and Sophie Ronald Hair and Make-up: Rachel Banks Photography: Andy Shovel Model: Jenna Ward

cords - £39.50 - Gap hoody - £19.99 - H&M t-shirt - vintage

Previous page: cords - as before cardigan - vintage bra - £16 - Top Shop

Spotlight on… Sean William Salim

Utility is out Sitting in the Hallward Library Café, I was overcome with trainer-envy as a pair of box fresh, powder blue, canary trim Nike Airforce1 low-tops sauntered past me. The most annoying part of seeing a pair of beautiful sneakers is that it is nigh impossible to find the style and colour that I want in a diminutive girly size 4. It seems this newly permeated trend is almost exclusively for blokes. This trend of ridiculously ostentatious trainers, and the whole culture that surrounds it, has its origins in the hip-hop culture of American cities. The trend has spiralled, producing fanzines, art projects such as Dave White’s paintings, and hundreds of websites that are dedicated to supplying all you ‘sneaker heads’ with up to date news on the latest limited editions, dead-stock opportunities, and a plethora of new colour-ways and styles to fill your cupboards. However you will have to be willing to dig deep as some shoes are reaching in excess of $1,000 (Nike ‘Rocawear Airforce’, limited editions). This is not to mention the time and effort of infiltrating the Internet and shoe shops up and down the country to locate your perfect shoe. The thrill of the chase to track down that perfect pair can become an obsession. Be it Puma

‘Clyde’s (in an array of opal fruit colours), A Bathing Ape DC comics limited editions, Nike high-top ‘Air Assaults’, or 1970s dead-stock Adidas ‘Jabbar hi’s’. As if the countless number of beautiful and distinctive shoes that will get you noticed as you peacock your way round town, proving your finger to be firmly on the street style pulse, wasn’t enough, you can now go to Niketown and have any pair of trainers made exclusively to your own specifications. You can pick the base trainer and then all the different trims to create a pair that you won’t see anyone else wearing. This is what style is about. A pair of carefully selected sneakers can transform your outfit from mundane t-shirt and jeans to something individual. Shoes are a status symbol, proving you are both style conscious and have the funds to fuel your habit. You can access the high-fashion world via the street with so many couture designer and sports brand collaborations, such as the Vans ‘Chukka 2 Marc Jacobs edition’ or Emilio Pucci for Adidas. The perfect pair of kicks is the icing on the cake of everyday wear that, for blokes, has gotten a little staid of late. Sophie Reynolds 34

This 24-year old brings a whole new meaning to ‘New York cool’. As a fledgling graduate from the prestigious Parson’s School of Design, and having already had his collection a visual in the windows of the feast of world famous Saks store, fabric Sean William Salim brings his new born label S2VS to and London. It’s a visual feast colour of fabric and colour. With inspiration drawn straight from the sidewalks of New York’s youth culture, art and politics, his edgy melange of street chic mixed with some more wholesome looking knits creates his hectic style. Mixing hard metallic jackets, bright bold prints, braces and simple black and white t-shirts, the collection is as diverse as it is intriguing. The collection will surely be a breath of fresh air (or a sigh of relief) for fashion conscious boys, as Salim steps away from the skinny jean, embracing straight cut denim, teamed with a vintage Adidas high top. While some aspects of his latest work will not be to everyone’s taste, such as the Balenciaga style gold trousers - not the typical campus look - there are some inspired t-shirts, which are certain to turn heads in the right direction.

“

”

www.myspace.com/s2vs

Florence Page

Spare Parts OUR MAN IN... FLORIANOPOLIS, BRAZIL rundown, (let’s just say they are pulling the “rustic” string with the building design) whilst most of the students here are basically hippies. There are also stall owners on campus selling all sorts of necessary The city of Florianopolis lies in the ‘university’ items such as bangles, into d divide is and l Brazi south of feather earrings and a healthy selection and and two parts: an industrial mainl of bongs. If you walk around campus a beautiful island. On the island lies for half an hour there is a good chance a and ife nightl the the university, all you’ll be passively stoned off your face. be staggering forty beaches and you’ll However, it’s outside of the lecture halls pleased to hear that this is where I’ve where it really kicks off; Florianopolis hs. mont been living for the past four has an incredible nightlife that ranges You may not be so pleased to hear that from traditional Brazilian samba halls a on sitting article this I actually wrote to super-smart electro clubs. We’ve and in beach with some nice surf rolling sampled the full range including South on. truly and well hat his with the sun America’s answer to the three week German beer festival, Oktoberfest, in a Attending university here is how I nearby city; it was very bizarre seeing in been have to imagine university people dressed in full-on Bavarian England in the 60s. The university costume whilst in the south of Brazil. is state owned and as a result is quite

It was around this time last year when my fellow course mates and I were deciding how and where to spend our year abroad. Whilst some decided on teaching in Portugal and others went in search of work in Spain, I had always dreamt of studying abroad so when I found out that Nottingham had an exchange with Florianopolis in Brazil there was never any doubt where I was going.

, IMPACT S GUIDE TO... No, this is not about what to eat Weetabix with: strawberries, yoghurt, honey, have it with whatever you like. This is about the technique of positioning the wheat biscuits in the bowl and pouring in the milk. There are three main ways of consuming this delicious breakfast cereal. The Floater A big no-no. My housemate does this. She throws two biscuits into the bowl and pours the milk ON the Weetabix. If you pour in too much milk, the biscuits float. The result is soggy cereal. Rating: 3/5 Not my cup of tea, but edible.

The year is proving to be just as I had hoped. Our Portuguese has improved beyond recognition, we’re loving living in South America and have even managed to fit in a couple of Nottingham re-unions in Buenos Aires, Argentina and Rio de Janeiro. When in Rome...

by Ollie Gargrave

WEETABIXe

The Tower This involves placing three or four biscuits directly on top of each other and then pouring milk on the centre of the top Weetabix biscuit. The top and bottom biscuits get really soggy but the central layers remain annoying dry.

down the side otherwise it will all go tits up. Eat the bottom biscuit first and once that is polished off, the top biscuit will then fall into the milk. The amount of milk left should be sufficient enough for the remaining Weetabix biscuit. If not, you’re doing this all wrong.

Rating: 2/5 It’s fine if you’re hungry and in a hurry.

Rating: 5/5 A fine combination of crisp and moist; the perfect start to the morning.

The Perfect Stack This name says it all. This is the only way that Weetabix should be eaten. Firstly, place one biscuit in the bowl and a second biscuit leaning against it so that the second biscuit won’t get completely dunked into the milk. Secondly, with this method, you need to think of milk like it is beer. Pour it

Note: I don’t want to be seen as advertising the Weetabix brand, so for fairness sake, I would like to clarify that Weetabix could be replaced with Sainsbury’s Wheat Biscuits, available from Jackson’s.

Hong Thi Nguyen

follow your art Creativity is such a vague idea that it is easy to forget what it means and forget the importance of the creative spirit being encouraged through the academic system. Creativity is often seen as an admirable quality, but one that lacks a practical purpose, only relevant to traditional creative subjects such as art and music. It is important to think of creativity in the broadest sense as the benefits of creative outlook - imagination, originality, risk taking and challenging assumptions are relevant to any subject. These creative traits are essential for innovation, discovery and the developments in anything from scientific research to business. It is interesting to look at how creativity is encouraged in the different stages of the education system, particularly the contrast between primary schools and universities. The government recently invested £140million into the Creative Partnerships scheme, designed for primary schools to ‘develop imaginative ways of thinking and learning’. The project does not try and increase creative thought in mainstream subjects, instead it introduces special ‘creativity’ projects, getting children to ‘respond to different narratives’. That this level of money has been invested specifically in creativity reflects the great emphasis on the creativity of young

Want to offer your poor starved inner-artist a crumb or two of stimulation? Impact Arts is looking for an in-house illustrator and/or cartoonist to make regular contributions to our pages. Alternatively, you could think about joining one of a tempting selection of arty societies…

children; those types of projects do not exist for older age groups. The idea of creativity projects being separate from normal lessons is a worrying trend; implying that creativity is a particular style of education and something that is separate from the mainstream curriculum. What about the nurturing of the creative spirit in higher education? In this context, creativity means a willingness to really engage and explore a subject and to think outside the prescribed confines. Increasingly, education is seen as a means to employment, rather than beneficial for its own sake, and this is reflected in the attitudes and skills which are encouraged. In our studies, we develop certain skills particularly how to think analytically and critically – both which contribute to the transferable skills so beloved by employers. This approach does end up encouraging criticism rather than creativity- students being far more adept at interpreting other ideas instead of thinking more openly and developing their own.

institution producing the maximum possible number of graduates. These developments towards a consumerstyle education should not mean that creativity is marginalised. The nurturing of the creative spirit is still essential because of its questioning and open mindedness which leads to innovation, risk-taking and production. Creativity is a gift, it is not something that can be directly taught in lectures or seminars; but a creative outlook can and should be nuturedin all levels of education for the benefit of the individual and society. Clarissa Woodbury

Clarissa Woodberry

It is easy to be nostalgic about a time when being a student meant more than being a consumer at an

Art Soc

Photo Soc

As well as workshops, socials and trips there is the incentive of seeing naked people at the weekly life drawing session.

For those of you who want to go beyond the obligatory shots of your friends looking smiley, smashed and a little shiny on your last night out this could be your outlet. There are some great resources available and an exhibition at the end of the year.

art_soc@hotmail.co.uk

www.nottsphotosoc.com

New Theatre

Student Improv Nottingham

If being a lime-light lounging thesp doesn’t tickle you, you could consider writing a play, directing one or helping out with set or costume. Less opportunity to see naked people but we don’t count the possibility out entirely.

The new kid on the block and a popular one too. Throw yourself into improvising spontaneous scenes and games which test your comedic reflexes to the max. We hear there’s a show coming up so keep an eye out if you want to see what it’s all about…

www.newtheatre.org.uk

www.newtheatre.org.uk/sin.php

Bianca Leggett & Sarah Braybrooke 38

Art Ambush At the Atrium One of the most basic forms of creative expression takes place, perhaps when, as small children, we are give a blank paper and various drawing and painting utensils and told without guidelines, rules, or limitations, to just draw. As we grow older, those of us who don’t go into fine arts degrees or become professional artists, forget simple creative outlets such as this one and resign to a more academic view, a view of reviewing and critiquing art, but not creating it. Impact’s art ambush at the atrium had the purpose of both assisting students to unlock that forsaken creativity and that of observing their attitudes and reactions to this experiment. The activity was as simple as the principle behind it. Here are some blank postcards, colour pencils and markers, there are no rules or guidelines, go ahead, do your worst. On of the most common reactions to our art ambush was the ‘oh no thank you, I am not good at drawing’ or ‘I can’t draw’. It’s drilled into our minds that drawing and such simple creative activities, at this age are reserved for the ‘proper’ artists, hence we refuse to partake in such activities, and the little artist inside us all withers and cries. Our postcard wall at the atrium was looking empty as students shunned away the opportunity to regress to such a basic form of creative expression. Providing my daily dose of irony was Tammy Adeiga, aged 3 who spent about 40 minutes at the Arts station we provided, making no less then 4 postcards, two of

which she proudly posted on our wall. Her mum commented on what a lovely idea we had, creating this activity for children. It seemed like the votes were cast, expressing yourself in blank piece of paper through drawing and painting, is for professional artists and children, the idea of suggesting it to students in academics is both unusual and unheard of; there is no place for our inner artist at university. Not all is lost though! Just when it seemed it there was no hope left, a few students did break the bubble and expressed their creativity in our postcards. We have lovely student-made postcards to prove it. Luckily, a few inner artists have survived the transition of child to student, and of potential artist to academic. Thank you very much all how participated and unleashed your creative side for all to see. Students of the world, this is a calling to your forsaken inner artist. You don’t need to be a child to have fun with expression and creativity. You don’t need to be a professional artist and produce masterpieces to be critiqued and reviewed in order to explore and unleash all that hidden creativity. Creating can be as simple as drawing on a piece of blank paper. You don’t have to choose between creating art and academic study of art, or between being a full time artist and just having fun with art. We all have a starved inner artist that just wants a chance to come out and play every once and while. Mariana Pena

Beware of the (Wallinger’s) Bear

local vs. national

Turner Prize 2007 at the Liverpool Tate

Looking for art? Josie Ensor gives us an insight into the latest on the national art scene, and what’s happening in our own back garden…

Yard Gallery Exhibition Wollaton Park A uniquely insightful exhibition of Nottingham’s independent artists comes to the Yard Gallery, conveniently situated next to the University campus in beautiful Wollaton Park. It demonstrates that, whilst Liverpool may be the ‘capital of culture’ and London the capital of the country, Notts is unrivalled for its artistic fervour. Living in Cloud Cuckoo Land by Helen Entwistle is the most notably abstract work of art to be found at the exhibition. Entwistle makes reference in her painting to the play The Birds by Athenian playwright Aristophanes, written in 414BC. Tired of earth and during tumultuous times, Makedo decided to build a Utopian city between the clouds. Interestingly, it is where we get the idiom of the piece’s title from, meaning an unrealistic yet idealistic state. Part of her ‘Origin of Words’ series, the painting is as illustrative as it is bizarre, surreal as it is visually intriguing. Chris Lewis-Jones’ ‘Green and Pleasant Land’ is the signature piece in his larger collection of ironic responses to the Englishness typified by puerile humour: using just 3D plastic sheep and teapot assortments against a green acrylic background. He deals here with ideas of the fluid signifier and the ever-evolving notions of English identity, and rather successfully. It lightened the sobriety of

Living in Cuckoo Land

the gallery’s beautiful but muted hand-printed Barbados Plantation sketches and gloomy mixed media piece ‘Stormy Night’. The most eye-catching work however was Sarah Edom’s monochromatic canvas painting ‘Purple Dawn’ and ‘Growth’ with its amazingly vibrant cornucopia of colours. Yours for only £350. Happy Bidding! Courtyard Stable Wollaton Hall Nottingham NG8 2AE 01159 153920

For the first time in its 23 years history the Turner Prize leaves London for the newly announced cultural capital of the UK: Liverpool. The organisers are clearly hot-under-the collar about the move as across the city hangs government-endorsed banners that read: “We’re open to you. Are you open to us?” Not quite outright cultural bigotry, but near enough the mark to make Liverpudlian blood boil. I sense after seeing the four shortlisted works that, in truth, this is more a remark on the poor offer of art this year than a subversive berating of its potential visitors. Mark Wallinger, the hottest contender of a lukewarm bunch, is showing Sleeper (2004-5), a two-and-a-half-hour film in which he can be seen wearing a bear suit and gallivanting around Berlin by night. The bear is an emblem of Berlin during the Cold War, during which time it was surged with ‘sleepers’, surveillance operators who wore disguises to

monitor the city. An interesting concept piece that explores national memory and identity. A particularly unremarkable entry from Nathan Coley: essentially a “trip-hazard” oak lintel splayed across the doorway “to make the viewer aware they have entered a different conceptual space”. Zarina Bhimji’s conflictthemed work consisting of seven photographs and a film is a result of her recent trips to India and East Africa. Despite the lack of the corporal in her collection, the picture of a parade of guns against a crumbling wall emits a strange aura of human presence. Lastly, and most probably least(ly), Mike Nelson’s Amnesiacs: a shrine to a nonexistent 1990’s biker gang of Gulf War veterans, who “helped him” through flashbacks to construct his entry using sand and mirrored cubes; the metaphorical landscape. 99 reasons to visit Liverpool, but is the Turner Prize worth 99 miles of travel? Josie Ensor

Creative Corner When told I must be in Creative Corner, I became instantly disturbed. Had I done something wrong? Why did Impact wish to pigeon hole me permanently, ensnaring me in a hundred and fifty word mesh? However, the arts editor Bianca, with whom I have an on-off pugilistic relationship, assured me that this was not, in fact, the case. So! For those of you that don’t know who I am which I’m assuming that’s the entire readership of this magazine, I wrote and directed a play called ‘Under the Blacklight’ last term (kindly put on by the New Theatre). I would say it was pretty awesome, but convention requires me to be self deprecating so insert some mandatory semiCatholic self deprecation here. Satisfied? I am now humble, or at least I appear to be. The secret to writing a play is to write words down and hope that you don’t explode in an orgy of self congratulation when it’s over. Oh dear, I’ve run out of words. I guess you’ll never know my creative secrets, which is probably for the best, because I don’t actually have anyway.

Josie Ensor

Nick Moran

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The blue screen of death Much is said about the over-use of ComputerGenerated Imagery in movies, but does this reflect an important dialogue about where the very process of film-making is going? Based on what we’ve seen so far the prospect of CGI over-taking traditional 35mm film as a dominant method of film-making resides firmly in the wet dreams of a certain resident of Skywalker Ranch. That said, it is extremely early days for these embryonic technologies, and they’ve certainly come a long way since that curious beacon for public hatred, Mr. ‘mesa Jar Jar Binks’ bungled his way onto our screens in 1999. The first real attempt to produce a film entirely in CG, and thus dispense with such antiquated notions as actors, props and sets, was ‘Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within’ in 2001. Whilst boasting an impressive (voice) cast including Alec Baldwin and Donald Sutherland, this foray into the world of computer animation proved a spectacular box-office bomb, losing over $120m and effectively bankrupting Square Pictures. It certainly seems that in 2001, the cinema-going public was anything but ready for the promised ‘revolution in film-making’. However, the success of Peter Jackson’s trilogy and its legions of lesser imitators in their use of CGI landscapes, architecture and crowds, has been great enough for the

technology to have now become an important cachet for any prospective director with a large budget to play with. Why bother with the awesome Jordanian vistas shown in Lean’s ‘Lawrence of Arabia’, or the massive crowd of extras in Attenborough’s ‘Gandhi’, when you can produce them all from the comfort of a desktop computer?

However, those expecting our screens to be overrun in the immediate future by hordes of irrepressible Jar-Jars shouldn’t hold their breath. CGI is likely to remain as it is as a tool and aid for producing special effects in liveaction films. We can only hope this status quo outlives George Lucas, cinema surely couldn’t survive a photo-realistic Jar-Jar.

Is this really a revolution in film-making? Zack Snyder’s ‘300’ may have been filmed entirely in front of acres of blue screen, but the musclebound actors themselves were not abandoned to the whims of key-frame animators. Whilst we are happy for Jackson, Lucas and co. to paint our backgrounds almost entirely from the CGI genius-camps of ILM and Weta Digital, there seems to be something apparently objectionable about having the human form portrayed with a keyboard and a computer program.

Pete Wozniak

Even this barrier may be in the process of eroding however, with the release of Robert Zemeckis’ ‘Beowulf’. Filmed entirely through the processes of motion capture and keyframe animation, with no live action elements whatsoever, it has produced by far the most realistic application of CGI to date, and received mildly-favourable acclaim. It will be followed by the release later this year of James Cameron’s mo-cap sci-fi epic, ‘Avatar’.

The Tim Burton bubble Will the bubble ever burst for Tim Burton? His gothic idiosyncratic films have long withstood the categorization of blockbuster despite his box office successes. Within his dark directorial microcosm he has insulated himself from the pervasive powers of Hollywood, and yet, manages to exist inside it and work with it.

were written by him. His first short film, Vincent, was a tribute to his idol Vincent Price; Frankenweenie was semi-autobiographical; Ed Wood an affectionate portrayal of a director for whom he had great respect. Yet, though he may be derivative, he is derivative of his previous creations.

Burton’s artistic vision for his projects has made him successful and yet the films themselves are largely not unique. ‘Directed by Tim Burton’ has come to be synonymous with gothic portrayals of outsiders and eccentrics. In subverting our expectations with his early offerings, he has returned to the same techniques and ideas in order to achieve the effects of the previous films. The feeling of ‘otherness’ in his work has been replaced by the audience’s comfort with his repetitive style. And yet, his appeal remains. Perhaps it is that he fulfils a niche in the dark and quirky part of Hollywood, or maybe his success lies in his ability to balance these elements cohesively.

Formulaic is not a negative term for Hollywood executives who want a box-office smash. It’s unsurprising then that Johnny Depp should repeatedly be cast in his films. He championed Michael Keaton and Winona Rider early-on; both stars of Beetlejuice and who were later to appear in Batman and Edward Scissorhands and were huge successes. Though he repeats many elements of his films he is able to synthesise these into new creations. Scorsese similarly has found a muse in Leonardo DiCaprio and is still able to create fresh and exciting material.

Many directors’ ‘vision’ is at the expense of the film as a cinematic experience. However, Burton‘s vision is realised simultaneously to the plot unfolding, rather than deviating into self-indulgence. However, that does not mean that he is unable to indulge an audience at the same time. He remains within his bubble yet he invites the audience in rather than departing from what he’s familiar with: himself. Two of his most famous films The Nightmare Before Christmas and Edward Scissorhands

The reason Burton is able to exist in Hollywood is because he does what is required by both the studios and his audience; he can turn a profit making feature and artistic entertainment. To say that he repeats himself may be criticism, but not necessarily negative. Beginning his career as an artist for Disney it is expected that he should have a definable style. To entertain an audience without compromising his style on one film is an achievement. Having done so throughout his career, he has created a body of work which is identifiably his and ours.

There will be blood Impact’s Marcus Wood attended the premiere of Daniel Day–Lewis’ new release There Will Be Blood. The silent, but gripping, opening scenes of There Will Be Blood reveal Daniel Day-Lewis’ character - Daniel Plainview - as a determined, successful and charismatic leader of men. Set in the early twentieth century, the film follows the oil driven exploits of Plainview and his son as they uproot and move to Little Boston in pursuit of more oil. The plot revolves around the conflicts between Plainview, his son and the zealous religious preacher, Eli Sunday, played with unsettling fervour by Paul Dano, who, amazingly, only stepped into the role two days prior to shooting. As Daniel Day-Lewis fielded questions after the film, I found myself more than a little surprised. The tales of his acting technique and his powerful on screen personas belied the good natured, gentle man before me. The only glimmer of his aforementioned character surfaced when he claimed his methodical nature had been “soundly misrepresented.” He also spoke of being “drawn to the idea” of working with the director Paul Thomas Anderson (Magnolia, Boogie Nights), and praised his co-star Paul Dano. Day-Lewis, as ever, dominates the screen; every last Californian drawl is emitted to perfection as greed corrodes Plainview’s soul and he descends to a base, maniacal level. The film as a whole looks and sounds beautiful, with some truly stunning set pieces and a remarkable soundtrack. Despite the limited use of a good support cast and a slightly disjointed final half an hour, the shocking climax brings to a close a sure fire Oscar nominee.

James Watson 42

Marcus Wood

Tarantino

In his unofficial role as the champion of smaller, less renowned films and directors, Tarantino introduced the world to critically acclaimed films such as Hostel and Hero, both of which topped the American Box Office in their opening weekends, and provide us with valid and credible entries in the horror and martial arts genres respectively. May he continue to inspire us all. Tom Brookes.

But… but… but… he’s so cool. I get it, all the cinematic references and irony are not lost on me… really. Since his first film Reservoir Dogs (or rather, My Best Friend’s Birthday, directed 5 years earlier) Quentin Tarantino has forged himself a career out of the pieces of the mass pop culture he grew up in, and as soon as his voice breaks perhaps he will start to make grown-up films. Tarantino strives to make the kind of characters he would admire; characters as far as possible from the nerd in the video store he once was. And it worked, once. Pulp Fiction is a masterpiece because rather than treating the situation with irony (gangsters and boxers have been done before), the characters are the ones you laugh at.

Against

First and foremost, Tarantino has almost single-handedly introduced a credible new genre, mainly through his independent filmmaking style of realism. Dispelling mainstream 80’s notions of glamour that borders on cheesiness, Tarantino opted to allow the viewer to explore the situations of his characters, showing violence in full and writing vernacular dialogue. All this is achieved with relatively small budgets (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Jackie Brown combined do not exceed $25million) which, when compared with the cost of Titanic at $200million, grossed a fifth whilst costing only an eighth, making it proportionately more successful).

For

Let us first put any petty gripes we have against Quentin Tarantino to one side and consider the man as he rightly deserves to be viewed: as one of the most important independent filmmakers of the past 20 years. Regardless of our perceptions as to whether he’s ‘weird’ or not, the impact of his movies and presence on modern culture cannot be ignored.

In Death Proof, he wants you to love them entirely, so it’s a pity they’re annoying. In an interview for Kill Bill QT himself said that his new film was “the kind of movie all of the characters from my previous films would have gone to see at the pictures”. This was Tarantino’s fatal mistake. Now everything is hilarious, apparently. Making a modern B-Movie or Samurai-flick is a cheap and easy way out of making original films.There’s a fine line between homage and rip-off (see The Bride With White Hair, 1993), between irony and lazy notions of morality, and between funny stories and idiotic cinema. And no matter how many positions he can put his eyebrows in he is still a crap actor. Oliver Holden-Rea

The burgeoning interaction of television and cinema ultimately means a better deal for the viewer, with increased diversity deepening the talent pool, and increased budget and competition continually upping the quality stakes to levels unseen since the days of Knight Rider and the A-Team. Will Saunders

Against

Viewers are rewarded with readily accessible, bitesize episodes that resemble top Hollywood movies in terms of production levels, casting and entertainment. Here in merrie olde England we only receive a fraction of the output of the major American networks, and across the pond the ratings war, especially during the crucial ‘Fall Season’, means that for every show with staying power there are three that drop by the wayside. This, coupled with the ever escalating tendency for A-listers in need of a career pep-pill (Keifer Sutherland, Matthew Perry and Alec Baldwin to name but a few big draw frontmen) ensures that diversity in output is matched by superiority. The reverse is also true, with leading lights such as Matthew Fox and Wentworth Miller gaining acclaim and celebrity and on a previously Hollywood-exclusive level.

For

It is tempting to assume that the ‘idiot box’ is only attractive to fans of reality mush, but the stock of serialized television drama has never been higher. Shows like Lost, Heroes, The Sopranos and 24 have been both commercial and critical successes across the globe. The ferocity of competition has led to an ever increasing degree of quality and originality, and a huge leap in the appeal of the small screen to stars of the cinema.

Over recent years the rise of the TV drama series is an undeniable trend. However, the importance of this has been overplayed to ridiculous levels. To think that losing an actor of the calibre of Kiefer Sutherland to TV is a blow for cinema fans is false. The fact that actors such as Sutherland go into TV series does not display the medium as a genuine competitor but more like its poor neighbour. Continuing this logic the cinema is threatened by theatre as real A listers such as Al Pacino and Kevin Spacey reguarly grace the stage. One must also address the myth that TV is going through a new wave of orginality in its content; gangsters (The Sopranos), secret agents (24) and superhero mutants (Heroes.) If my memory serves me correctly this type of content has been covered by films time and time again to much higher standards and critical acclaim. Even with the new found success of TV, films still have an astounding ability to inspire, inform and entertain at the same time and no medium or art form can do this to the same extent. Add to this the viewing experience of watching a film in a cinema and the gulf between the two becomes even clearer. Yes TV drama series have improved, but ultimately the release of a film is still far more likely to challenge, provoke and reward the viewer. Warren Tarling

New Theatre - New Writing

As New Theatre embarks on its new term of productions, the stage is set for some brilliant new writing from talented student playwrights. This term dedicates the most space for new writing ever scheduled, with two double bills planned for the forthcoming weeks and one double bill previously playing to packed audiences in the last week of term. Previously at New Theatre Dragon Botherers by Robert Jones And Half a Heartbeat devised by Ed Hancock and the cast. Reviewed by Bianca Leggett. After being grabbed by the hand and led to my seat by a capering girl in a polka dot petticoat and given a warm sticky Haribo by a stony-faced boy offering crack, I knew to expect something a degree more cartoonish than your average Chekhov. A tale packed full of eccentrics, from an accordian-wielding fiery French woman to a frustrated thatcher in need of dating tips to a cape-wearing prodigal son with a cruel talent with a felt-tip. A physically inventive production in which the energy rarely flags and the unapologetically scatty narration binds the whole together and keeps up the pace. The jokes are mostly of the tried-and-tested formula but some stand-out performances inject new life and make the characters their own. From cartoonish people to people who love cartoons… ahem, that should be graphic novels. After the break The Dragon Botherers took us into the world of Penny, Jim and Ed- on weekdays they are shop-worker, double-glazing salesman and full-time mummy’s boy but come Saturday, with a little help from a twenty-sided dice, they enter the wonderful world of Dungeons and Dragons and

become (cue gravely masculine voice) MIGHTY WARRIORS! This charming and original story, from the pen of first-time playwright and self-confessed Dungeons and Dragons fan RJ, is wonderfully endearing thanks to the likeable characters created by its small cast. Upcoming at New Theatre 23-26th April Under the Impression by Tom Warren An observational piece set in contemporary London, Under the Impression is the story of Jacob, a reticent man undergoing a mid-life identity crisis. Struggling to accept the many absurdities of his environment and inhibited by unknown forces, an attempt is made to reveal his inner nature. Through the intricate use of a combination of mediums, this production brings home the inability of many individuals to reconcile truth from life. And The Third Condiment by Charlie and Ben Brafman Dave was playing with a lighter and a pumpkin, and he found himself with a white ash-like powder. He tried snorting it, but it stung the crap out of his nose. He tried smoking it, but ended up with the runs. Eventually he tried sprinkling it on his food… and it was remarkably delicious. With the help of his two housemates, this new condiment looks set to take over the world, although Thom sees it as a potential cure for third world debt, whilst Dan sees it more as the route to personal millions… 10-11th May Good Morning and Goodbye by Nick Moran

lifeless and insipid, that is one thing that is beyond certain. Even the long suffering cast of ‘Good morning and Goodbye’ - Britain’s ‘most cheery way to start the day’ – would find it hard to disagree. Today, however, is a day like no other. A tremendous romp featuring religious cultists, celebrity chefs finally getting their due, and the truth about cold freezing, ‘Good Morning and Goodbye’ promises to deliver a slew of laughs and maybe even more… And The Box by Luke Leonard The story of a teenage couple who deliberately encase themselves in a giant concrete box. As those outside try to force their way in, Jess and James make the walls thicker, and the two explore their own stories, their thoughts and feelings about love, and the terrifying and traumatic events that lead them to build ‘the box’. A dark story about the lengths to which love will go to prevail… All of these student playwrights agree that New Theatre provides the perfect opportunity for aspiring writers to showcase their work. Some have already gathered experience in Festivals at the Edinburgh Fringe or NSDF (National Student Drama Festival) in Scarborough while for others it will be their first foray into play-writing. First time playwright Tom Warrentold Impact, “The New Theatre’s new writing initiative over the last two seasons has meant that it’s a lot easier for people interested in writing plays to get a chance to put them on. In fact, it’s probably the best opportunity you’d ever have.” Clare Salter

Breakfast television talk shows are dull, 44

Album Reviews Artist: Severe Torture Title: Sworn Vengeance Label: Earache Records (November 2007)

Artist: House of Brothers EP: Deadman Label: Big scary monsters (December 2007)

With a chirpy name like Severe Torture, there are no prizes for guessing what the order is here. Death Metal. The ingredients are all present: technical wizardry – check, intense brutality – check, vocal chords that sound as if they’ve been forced through a cheese grater – check. They’re all here in abundance; these are the elements that are essential for baking a death metal cake.

Before becoming seventh President of the USA, Andrew Jackson had a glowing military career typified by Jack Bauer-esque rulebreaking. Contrastingly, his political career that followed involved kissing babies and leading a respectable but fairly uninspiring tenure. In a strikingly similar fashion, Andrew Jackson, the driving force behind ‘House of Brothers’ began his musical career in two of Nottingham’s most inventive bands of recent years. ‘The Murder of Rosa Luxemburg’ and ‘Scarecrows’ created progressive art-punk and spiralling jazz that cannot be found anywhere in this debut EP. Instead, Deadman is just a very respectable yet unadventurous demonstration of introspective singer-song writing. There are definite positives to be gleaned for this pretty collection of songs though. The title track is a good demonstration of neatly constructed lyrics and the layering of soft instrumentation, would make this EP a good purchase for fans of the gentler side of indie, fed up of the ladswagger so epidemic at present.

So what sets ‘Sworn Vengeance’ apart from other death metal albums? Well, nothing, and that’s the problem. This is generic and all too often resembles a stripped-down rendition of scene godfathers, Nile. If Severe Torture want to be remembered with reverence, then they seriously need to consider bringing something new to the metal table. 6/10 Ryan Neal

5/10 Dave Bawden

Artist: Boris with Merzbow Album: Rock Dream Label: Southern Lord (December 2007) Rock Dream marks the fifth collaborative release between two of Japan’s premier experimental acts: stoner/sludge/psych/doom trio Boris and prolific noise artist Merzbow. It may comfort some to know that unlike 2005’s endurance test Sun Baked Snow Cave, this is a double live album, featuring a setlist culled from Boris’ back catalogue, with Merzbow augmenting their sound with his own brand of power electronics. The most obvious place to hear this is the slower material on disc one, in particular the 35-minute opener ‘Feedbacker’, where there is space for Merzbow to work. So it is perhaps more interesting to hear how he deals with the hard rock, Pink-era side of Boris as showcased on disc two. Thanks to the excellent sound quality, Merzbow pitching walls of noise against Wata’s solos is a cacophonous delight. One is only left feeling there is much potential left for exploration in the studio between these two. 9/10 Edward Knock

Artist: Remi Nicole Album: ‘My Conscience And I’ Label: Island Records, Universal (December 2007) Female singer songwriter Remi Nicole is another struggling up the well-beaten path to stardom with her guitar based pop sound. Strangely orthodox considering her unusual background; she’s part English, Trinidadian, Austrian and also Jewish. This seems to supply most of the ammo for My Conscience And I – the idea that ‘I’m not like the rest of you’. There are displays of upbeat, catchy tunes – Rock N Roll will no doubt reap some commercial success in this respect. Unfortunately the record’s overwhelmingly generic nature is best demonstrated by Tabloid Queen, a classic rant against the glossy side of the media. Nicole clearly dreams of a feisty solo female status and My Conscience And I has the required buoyant tempo, but lyrically she has no real bite or passion and the self-obsessed themes of this album will irritate most. The rocket-high aspirations of this record are clear, however the end result is much more pedestrian.

Artist: Burning Witch Album: Crippled Lucifer Label: Southern Lord (28 January 2007) When Crippled Lucifer was originally released in 1997 Southern Lord provocatively labelled it the “slaying of false doom hippies”. Whether Burning Witch deserved the tag is entirely subjective but the strength of the compilation – entitled Crippled Lucifer (Seven Psalms for Our Lord of Light) – was undoubtedly a key factor in the label’s future commercial viability. Burning Witch were the direct descendents of Thorr’s Hammer, comprising recalcitrant doom frequency seekers Messieurs O’Malley, Anderson and Sykes, later joined by G. Stuart Dalhquist and vocalist Edgy 59. For recorded sound, the generally overlooked Crippled Lucifer breathes with a leaden, preternatural life almost beyond the thresholds of tolerance. At the risk of draining someone’s ire, “total doom at a molasses pace” is not far off the mark. But Burning Witch are more commanding than overtly aggressive, exploring the most secluded corners of paranoia-induced gloom. Despite being slow and punishing, Crippled Lucifer weaves a monolithic black spell, captivating you from start to finish as your emotions follow the hypnotic oscillation of rising and falling feedback. Whilst the two separate recordings of Crippled Lucifer are not exactly radical departures from each other, there are perceptible differences between the songs on both. ‘Towers…’ is a more intense, aggressive record whilst ‘Rift. Canyon. Dream’ sinks in pessimism and seems to offer an omnipresent “god’s eye view” of sound quite beyond mortal comprehension. However, both recordings entwined hail equally from the same, torturous valley of despair. Burning Witch will perhaps always be known for their unrivalled reach into ‘the maudlin depths’ of fear and paranoia, drawing comparisons to “the swamp-doom of Crowbar and Exhorder, some Cathedral-style lunacy and a healthy dose of Eyehategod’s flaking eyeball crust”. This re-release is a minor classic of sorts and most definitely cements their place within the chronicles of cult doom/ black metal history. 9/10

3/10

Andy Parkinson

James Ballard 44

Book Reviews Engleby Sebastian Faulks

The Book Thief Markus Zusak

Anyone who has been forced to read Faulks for educational purposes and is expecting more of the same in his new novel will be very surprised. Though not everyone’s cup of tea, Mike Engleby- privileged student, diarist and our narrator- is engrossing from the start. Early on it becomes clear that he is a far from a ‘normal’ student, with a superior attitude and a bizarre relationship to one fellow student in particular. Despite, or even because of this, I found myself on his side for most of the book. His sardonic humour and comments on the state of modern Britain are brilliantly pitched and make for some killer satire. The book also takes a look at many student issues students in an intelligent, but never a patronising, way.

Markus Zusak’s first novel has already become an international bestseller and it’s well deserved. The story of Liesel Meminger, a young German girl forcibly separated from her family during the Second World War, has an unusual narrator: none other than the grim reaper himself. It is his narration that rescues this book from becoming maudlin and instead shows the reader the power of words and humanity’s ability to endure sheer horror.

If the book has one flaw it is a rushed pace, but it certainly made compulsive reading as the revelations towards the end of the book came to light… I’ll say no more, except that you won’t be disappointed.

Death himself is reluctant in his task and it is humanity that offers him relief, particularly the story of the Book Thief (Liesel). He follows Liesel’s reading desires from the moment she steals a gravediggers handbook until the end of her life in Australia. The book itself is a joy to read, balancing moment of horror with stories of personal courage. It had me hooked from start to finish and in its poignancy makes other great books seem pale in comparison.

Alex Beaumont

The Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao Junot Diaz

Marley and Me Josh Grogan

With humorous imagination, Junot Diaz’s novel tells the story of a nation and family gripped in the vice of an eternally recurring curse: the Dominican fukú (the doom of the New World). Serving as the narrative’s lynchpin, Oscar, a grossly overweight and sexually inept teen, struggles to find acceptance in a machismo Dominican-American culture. As he consistently fails, he takes refuge in science fiction, role-playing, and his own writing; dreaming of becoming the Dominican J. R. R. Tolkien. But refuge is temporary and Oscar longs for true and requited love. Towards the end of Oscar’s life, after several failed relationships and a botched suicide, Zafa (luck) begins to escalate in a tightly controlled momentum, climaxing in the last few pages. And yet the novel is much more than the story of a culturally lost teenager – it is the story of an entire hemisphere grappling with the fukú left in the wake of Columbus, a fukú of the self-fulfilling prophecy perpetuated by both ruler and ruled. Oscar, his family, and the Trujillidad regime merely serve as the lens through which we may all gaze upon a shared legacy of discovery, betrayal, and, for a few, reconciliation. A unique take on the bildungsroman that changes the face of ethnic literature. Josie Ensor

Marley and Me tells the story of a young couple’s decision to add a canine element to their family, and the tremulous lovehate relationship that ensues. Driven by positive memories of childhood pets and the desire to bring an unconditionally loving and loyal member to the family, they opt for a Labrador puppy, but before long, their adorable youngster is a ‘barrelling, ninetyseven pound steamroller’ of a dog, menace to visitors clean clothes and sofa cushions alike. Try as they might to tame their beast, Marley finds himself expelled from obedience school, and a crippling thunder phobia leads to even more dramatic (and unusual) misbehaviour. More than just fiction for pet-lovers Marley and Me is the true story of a young family finding its feet among the joys and heartbreaks of life. Though there are countless incidents of dog lunacy that will have you laughing out loud, there are touching moments that might just have you in tears. Charmingly written, this heart-warming book may not change your life, but it may just change your outlook. Jessica Benson-Egglenton

Live Reviews Grouper, Gareth S.Brown & Gareth Hardwick @ The Chameleon Café 16/11/ 2007

Flying Lotus (Warp Records) @ Dogma, 22/11/2007 To any dance music aficionado, the words ‘Warp Records’ are a badge symbolising the pursuit of innovative and barrier-blurring beats. The outfit behind the equalizer tonight couldn’t embody this contention more pertinently. Flying Lotus (aka Steven Ellison, great nephew of jazz legend John Coltrane) is an artist whose sound aggressively retaliates at the prospect of being pigeonholed. The first track to cut into the earthy bass-lines is ‘Massage Situation’, whose digital tapping stylishly segues into syncopated drumbeats redolent of jazz percussion. At this, Ellison projects his devotion to hip-hop by delivering successive strings of well-executed lyricism. The performance then moves onto other stylistic influences, funk and break-beat, which he painstakingly weaves with electronic knitting needles. The night reaches its apex as FlyLo sets the subwoofers to stun and unleashes a well-timed spate of high-tempo junglist rhythms. A dextrous injection of fragmented beats at spilt second intervals over drum n bass backbeats is a feat comparable to the likes of Venetian Snares. A show of this caliber proves Flying Lotus is worthy of the accolade of IDM (intelligent dance music).

I once read a review of Nottingham droner Gareth Hardwick that described his music as “ok, but a little repetitive”. This simultaneously nails exactly what he’s about and completely misses the point. His drawn out guitar drones - triumphs of delay and sustain over attack - may be repetitive, but to criticise him for it is a bit like criticising cheese for being edible: it’s the whole point, and very beautiful it is too. Tonight Hardwick uses lap-steel and all number of pedals to summon blissful, lulling chords that are utterly mesmerising. It’s like God kissing the surface of your brain. There’s not much more action in the solo project of Hood man Gareth S.Brown. Sitting behind a bank of cheap keyboards, samplers and a laptop, his music is decidedly queasy listening. With structures similar to Philip Glass and Steve Reich, he layers mantric phrases with distant roots in European folk music on top of one another, adding unerring pitch bends and subtle effects to startlingly disarming effect. Completing the bill is Grouper. Sitting crosslegged on the floor, surrounded by a circle of effects pedals, she sings songs of desperate loneliness that are offset by almost backwardly simple guitar playing and lie half-submerged in a fog of static and hum. It’s achingly despairing stuff that never approaches catharsis and is extremely beautiful – though even in this short set it becomes a little onedimensional. Dave Bell

Flying Lotus’ ‘Rest EP’ was released on Nov 30, 2007 on Warp records

Liars Club presents Holy Fuck @ Stealth vs Rescued 24/11/2007 Holy Fuck are an instantaneously exciting prospect due to their no-laptops, semiimprovised and live-orientated approach to dance music, meaning they’ve rapidly become darlings of the critics. So it pains me to add to the albatross of praise that hangs round their necks, but for once, (I’ll never forgive myself for this) believe the hype. Holy Fuck just know how to please the diverse crowd they attract. The beard-stroking that accompanies most ‘experimental’ dance gigs is satisfied by the smorgasbord of pedal-porn and Casio rescued from landfill sites that Graham Walsh and Brian Borcherdt have laid out before them. The more ‘classic’ Liars club crowd are kept at bay by the electro-filth sound of tracks like Royal Gregory and the live drums and bass that provide welcome reprieve from modern electro’s ubiquitous drum machines. Crowd-pleaser Lovely Allen (would they have finished on anything else?) can at once be interpreted as a Reich-influenced dance number and modern party ‘banger’; I hear Post-Rock, others hear Hip-Hop. It is a testament to the band’s expansive sound that I enjoy the set as much as the guy with the stupid hair in front of me who seems to be violating his girlfriend through the medium of dance. Holy Fucking awesome… I’ll get my coat. Alex Baker

Sixty G

Qui @ The Bodega Social Club, 23/11/2007 As last year’s Melvins’ record ‘A Senile Animal’ suggested, often the best way to deal with a dead horse is to inject it with fresh blood. Perhaps inspired by the aforementioned band’s hiring of rock upstarts Big Business to give their sound a modern kick, tonight sees fellow early-90s underground legend David Yow – Scratch Acid, The Jesus Lizard, and getting-his-willy-out-on-stage fame – using young(-ish) stoner fiends Qui as a platform for his unhinged art. Living up to his inebriated

hick persona, Yow unbuttons his shirt, prowls the stage and hurls expletives at his paying audience, injecting the band’s sound with an uncomfortably sinister vibe akin to watching a drunken uncle hitting on bridesmaids at a wedding. His attempt to claim a thunderous rendition of Zappa’s “Willie the Pimp” as the band’s own work served to further underscore his commitment to testosterone fuelled depravity. Yet, for all the legend that surrounds the acid-fried vocalist, it was when he strayed from the mic that the sound really coalesced. With vocals from drummer Paul Christensen,

Apartment stood apart as the band’s finest hour, submerging an addictive grunge vocal hook into waves of pounding drums and Helmet-esque stop start riffage. That the band encored with a Pink Floyd cover highlighted the limitations of the group – too indebted to past sounds and legends to really impact on their own terms. Yet tonight’s moments of musical invention and balls-out rocking were enough to show that this horse’s visit to the glue factory is yet to come. Chris Mapleston

The day the When Radiohead released ‘In Rainbows’ online (for as much as an individual’s conscience was willing to pay for it), The Times declared it ‘The Day the Music Industry Died’. But for Andrew Parkinson – who spent the summer working at independent label Southern Records – this just didn’t ring true. Impact asked him to investigate if smaller independent labels really are flourishing whilst the so-called ‘Big Four’ flounder. To help him he speaks with one of the two founders of Montreal-based Constellation Records, Ian Ilavsky, Southern Records’ Allison Schnackenberg and Dave Bell of newly created Nottingham net-label, Records on Ribs. October 7, 2007. That’s when the release of ‘In Rainbows’ apparently had the music industry’s bloated corpse breathing its last breath. Many attended the funeral…but not me. My experiences working for Southern Records had born no witness to any such seachange. Rather, I’d seen a thriving community - alive both artistically and financially.

“Music is far older than capitalism. It is not a commodity but a joyous expression of feeling, emotion, and sound” So why are the press heralding ‘The End of an Era’? Because, to them, the record industry means ‘The Big Four’: Sony BMG, Universal Music Group, EMI and Warner Music. They’re responsible for over 80% of the music we “consume”, have profits of millions of pounds a year - thanks largely to revenues received from music licensing, royalties and digital sales. Yet despite having such an apparent stranglehold on the market, they’re not doing exceptionally well. EMI issued two profit warnings in 2007 (citing online file-swapping services as the main reason) and revenues are down; CD album sales continue to free-fall – revenue was down 10% for Sony BMG, from $948 million to $851 million – whilst profits continue to decline (Warner Music unveiled a 58% slump in fourth quarter profits for 2007).

Radiohead’s release of ‘In Rainbows’ may hurt profits – though in truth probably little more than the inevitable leak would have done – but it has by no means brought about the death of the record industry. In order to maximise profit returns, the majors are increasingly turning away from their traditional sources of income - album and single sales - and moving towards licensing their music for movies, adverts and ringtones. Clearly, the bands whose music is acceptable for these forms aren’t particularly wide-ranging, and the result is a homogenised, mass produced, dehumanised mess. But there is an alternative to this, and it lies with a number of small, autonomous record labels. Dave Bell, co-founder of Nottingham based net-label Records on Ribs is adamant that “music is far older than capitalism. It is not a commodity but a joyous expression of feeling, emotion, and sound. It is not something to be quantified by sales figures and returns to shareholders. To do so sucks all the life from it - reduces it to a means to greed’s end”. There’s nothing new in this, his words echo the sentiments of the DIY ethic, which was established in the late 70s and became embodied by labels like SST, Rough Trade, Touch and Go, Crass and Dischord – which is perhaps the key touchstone here. Formed by Fugazi’s Ian Mackaye in 1980, Dischord is still thriving some 27 years later, and is widely regarded as a model of success in the DIY community. Working with Southern over the summer, I dealt with a number of DIY labels (Southern acts as a distribution point for small independent labels) that run on collective, autonomous, democratic and anti-hierarchical principles that encourage people to consume in a principled, conscious and sustainable way. Positive Force D.C., a leftist political action group formed in 1985 with close ties to much of Washington’s DIY music scene further reinforced this philosophy, adding that “human beings were meant to find fulfilment from creation, not the mindless, hectic and destructive pursuit of ‘things’.” Though Dave Bell makes it clear “we cannot live our lives solely in our own ideas,”

these labels are adamant that they can go about their business in a more ethical way. A way that, to borrow from Marx, doesn’t alienate us from the true pleasures of life. One of the best-known adherents to this philosophy is the label, Constellation Records. The home to Godspeed You! Black Emperor amongst many others, they are perhaps the most clear-cut contemporary embodiment of the 80s DIY attitude. They do not try to “place” their music anywhere other than on glorious slabs of vinyl and disc and does so with an admirable enthusiasm to approach the market on their own terms. This involves keeping all their records in print to avoid a possible collector’s market scenario where there are ridiculously inflated prices for releases unavailable first-hand. An advertisement that featured in Plan B magazine saw Constellation outlining their principles: “We won’t pay chain stores to rack our records, or put their logos in our ads. We won’t get involved in price wars that dump records as loss leaders in some larger synergistic infotainment branding strategy. We won’t overproduce or cheapen or conspire against the survival of the physical record album – that tangible, tactile object that contains real musical fidelity and artwork and little mysteries and messages that you can look at and run your hands over and think about before you turn off the lights to listen”. This is a startling contrast to the strategies of “The Big Four”, and one that has seen them grow artistically as a label whilst surviving as a business.

“In order to maximise profit returns, the majors are increasingly turning away from their traditional sources of income” Although they are a business, Constellation puts ethics first. It operates without contracts - an organic relationship which founder Ian Ilavsky says is “truly symbiotic, for which there is no template beyond honesty and transparency”. Ian tells me that they are determined to document Montreal bands with a commitment to using labour-intensive and artisanal packaging. Their records arrive beautifully presented and as Ilavsky says their “commitment to artwork, packaging, and the ‘record-as-object’ are very much intended as a mode of interaction”. By doing this Constellation humanise the exchange between

music industry died? buyer and seller. As Don Wilkie, co-founder of Constellation, sums up, the record should be seen as “a small piece of art” rather than just a “product.” These qualities have allowed Constellation to acquire something unfamiliar to many labels, a strong identity. Allison Schnackenberg (head of Southern Records) explained to me why label identity in the late eighties, particularly in American underground music, was crucial to a label’s success. “People would buy stuff because it was on Dischord, or because it was on Touch and Go, because there was an identity behind the label, a concept, or an ethos.” Dave Bell agrees: “People come to trust certain labels and listen to bands on those labels that otherwise they wouldn’t discover.”

bet t

Given both the increase in digital sales and illegal music downloads you’d be forgiven for thinking an independent labels’ days are numbered. But the underground music scene is as uncompromising as ever. Take into consideration what British labels like Low Point, Type Records and Aurora Borealis are all busy doing - releasing weird and highly desirable CDRs and vinyl. They’ve survived the battering from file sharing sites, blogs and so on because people with a genuine interest in music will always be fervent buyers of physical releases; it’s part of a lifestyle. Dave Bell acknowledges this poignantly: “We’re ls el all commodity fetishists when it comes to music. There’s nothing nicer than a beautifully packaged 12” record. You can’t smell an mp3!” Allison also feels it’s more about ‘the whole package’. “People want to own stuff that you can’t (easily) get, like tour-only EP’s, because it’s rare”. There aren’t enough of these people to support the kind of budgets the Big Four work with - you’re talking turnovers of sometimes less than a couple of hundred pounds for a limited edition album - but that’s enough for these small labels to release music that’s varied, interesting and challenging. er

The internet offers opportunities too; Israeli label Miklakatim and Records on Ribs rely less on consumers’ desire for beautiful objects and more on the power of the web to distribute

music freely. Though acknowledging the shortfalls of downloads, Bell explains that they are Records on Ribs’ chosen medium: “We use the internet to distribute our music freely because we can’t afford the financial risk of making physical albums. For us, the internet is a tool to free music from profit. The plan is to eventually supplement our net releases with vinyl and CD-R releases, but even that’s too great a financial risk for us at the moment”.

“We’re all commodity fetishists when it comes to music. There’s nothing nicer than a beautifully packaged 12” record. You can’t smell an mp3” Unquestionably, attitudes towards paying for music have changed over the past decade, presenting a big hurdle for music industry. The Economist stated: “Pre-recorded music, no longer the main cash cow, instead increasingly serves merely as a marketing tool for T-shirts and concert tickets.” But I’m not quite so cynical. As Ilavsky remarks, as long as a small percentage of people care and consume consciously, and record labels resonate with people musically, ethically, artistically, then it may be enough to convince people to sustain the record. In the wise words of Constellation: “In these latest, darkest, falsest, emptiest, escapist times, let’s all try harder to reclaim the real promise of punk-rock…turn away from starfucking-whitelight-overexposure, the “just-wanna-get-my-music-heardby-as-many-people-as-possible” rationalisations, the carnival of product placement and tastemaking tomfoolery. If we can’t do this, as children of privilege with our electrified guitars and smartypants ears and faraway wars, then our sad, confused generation can say we laid right down and let it all happen. Let’s not, OK? Andrew Parkinson - Spring 2008 (for Constellation) should bring new records from At Silver Mt. Zion, Carla Bozulich and Eric Chenaux. - If, like me, you want to read more about major record labels (and how shall I put it, their faults), then head over to http: //www.arancidamoeba.com/mrr/ where you will find articles from Steve Albini and Kent McClard (Ebullition Records).

Records on Ribs A new label with a difference: It’s free! Records on Ribs is the project of Nottingham folk Alex Andrews, Dave Bell and their Leeds friend Jell. It is essentially a record label but they give away all their music free by download under a Creative Commons License. The roster currently includes the ambient composition of EL Heath from Shrewsbury; melancholic sing-songwriting from Cardiff’s Les Étoiles; Gabba party pop from Southampton’s Gay Death Probe; Welsh improv space-kraut from Strap The Button; Electronic avant-hip hop from Leeds’s Talk Less, Say More; Dada metal pop from The Butterfly; and finally, Nottingham-based indie-hits from We Show Up On Radar. Eclectic to say the least. Co-founder Alex Andrews said: “The intention is to put out music that is experimentally minded but not at the outer reaches of noise and improv. It’s about getting music out there for the love of it and embracing new technology to do so.” Recordsonribs.com launches on January 15, 2008. On this day, they will release nine albums/EPs simultaneously for free.

Latitudes “A limited edition, never-to-be repeated series of session recordings capturing the transience and limitless expression of our modern world” Latitudes was created by Southern Records to give their favourite bands “the opportunity to spend some time recording something spontaneous, collaborative, fun or experimental.” The outcome is something truly transient, imaginative and unique.

What’s Goin’ on in the Kitchen?

The Rules Of Attraction Right I know this is a science article, but I’m not talking about some sort of force between magnets here, or any other geeky subject matter. I’m talking about love! What is it that attracts you to that hot guy across the bar, or the gorgeous girl walking past the Hallward? Easy you might say, it’s his cheeky grin, or her mind-bogglingly low cut top (in January!). Well, nope. In fact there are several much more subtle things we need to possess to be attractive to a potential partner. Scientifically, you need to smell right, have a symmetrical body and be one of the first to catch their eye.

Apparently if you turn up late to a party then you really have no chance of finding that special someone by the end of the evening. When given a line-up of potential mates, most animals, humans included, will evaluate only 9% of their options before making their choice for fear of missing the boat. This makes pretty sound evolutionary sense given that the whole aim of the game in nature is to pass on your genes to the next generation. Yes, ideally you look for a fit, healthy and successful partner so that your offspring inherit the best possible combination of genes, to stand them in good stead for life ahead. But ultimately instinct tells most animals that to settle for Mr/Miss Not-quite-so-perfect is better than being too fussy and not reproducing at all. If that doesn’t convince you, it’s also been mathematically proven. Don’t ask me how, its maths - that’d be like asking me to translate it for you from Latin. But mathematicians are pretty clever, so we’ll trust that the equations have been done and it all adds up.

Chemistry Stinks

Symmetrical bodies are the most attractive, say scientists. Everybody knows that it is quite common to have one foot slightly bigger than the other, but there are many asymmetries we are just not consciously aware of. Somewhere in the depths of your brain, though, you are picking up on these details. Humans and other animals, ranging from scorpion flies to zebra finches, have shown a preference for symmetrical partners. Many studies have been done by showing photographs of faces and asking people to rate the relative attractiveness. The preference is thought to be because symmetry advertises biological quality, in other words desirable genes. Pheromones – a word you may have heard banded around by the media in recent years, but what does it really mean? Well, a pheromone is a chemical signal given out by an animal that is picked up by other members of the same species and triggers a behavioural response. Sound like something you’ve heard on a wildlife program? Maybe, but surprisingly humans use them too. One study carried out in 1995 by a guy called Claus Wedekind involved getting volunteers to wear the same t-shirt for no less than three days without deodorant, and then asking members of the opposite sex to rate the attractiveness of the mystery t-shirt wearer based on smell alone. A bit gross in my opinion, but all in the name of science! Results from these studies showed that scents act as a subconscious cue, telling you whether or not a partner is suited. This is because the chemicals secreted contain information about a person’s immune system. A suitable partner will have an immune system very different from your own, so that your offspring would be equipped with a diverse immunity and consequently would be able to fight off loads of different illnesses.

“Scientifically, you need to smell right, have a symmetrical body and be one of the first to catch their eye.” So if anyone ever says to you that “your face is very even-looking” or tells you that “you just smell so different” (as unlikely as this probably is), then don’t be offended, take it as a compliment as they are really very attracted to you!

by Lara McGuinness

A 5pm lecture on Monday 19th November went out with a bang when something at the back of the small lecture theatre (CHEM-X2) exploded. In a few minutes the space filled with hydrogen sulphide fumes (bad egg smell). The Head of School of Chemistry, Professor Mark Searle warned that “Not only was there the risk of potentially serious injury by uncontrolled detonation of an explosive in a confined space, but the resulting damage could be classed as criminal.” Speculations ranged from “stinkbomb” and “amusing prank”...to “environmental protest”, although why an environmentalist would set off a small chemical weapon is beyond me. Ben Samuel

From Widgets to Web Gadgets The Firefox web browser has successfully allowed external developers to publish “add-ons” to the browser program. The add-on which calls itself “Boost” allowed users to navigate different areas of Facebook from a small toolbar. The optional side-bar allows the user to work and browse websites such as impactnottingham.com whilst never leaving the loving gaze of their friends’ faces. The latest web gadget comes from the Met Office, and will allow users to have up-to-date weather information at a glance, while working on other tasks. On Firefox, the information is presented in a side bar and is expandable to include as many of the available options as the user requires. The data presented automatically updates and can include localised weather forecasts, severe weather warnings, marine warnings and radar images. Ben Samuel

Assassin’s Creed Assassin’s Creed is a stunning game. It surprises you immediately, then patiently builds towards a climax of elegance and staggering beauty.

Available on Xbox 360, PlayStation 3 and PC.

affords you speedy travel, but a variety of strategies to carry out your missions.

But let’s rewind, so to speak. After breaking the Assassins’ Creed at the beginning of the game, medieval hitman Altaïr is demoted to a lowly novice and is given a chance to earn his rank back by eliminating nine targets. Leaving the Assassins’ home of Masyaf, you’ll journey around the Holy Land to the cities of Damascus, Acre and Jerusalem to begin your slaying. The game’s structure is fairly straightforward; get into the city, go to the Assassins’ bureau, gather intelligence on your target and then take them out. The opening hour of the game slowly builds up the plot and introduces the core gameplay elements. It doesn’t impress a great deal at first, but you persist because you have a feeling that it’s worth sticking with. It’s only when you reach the first city, Damascus, that everything in Assassin’s Creed becomes perfectly clear.

It turns out that Altaïr is not just an assassin; he’s a free runner extraordinaire. Like a medieval Spider-Man without the swinging, he can climb almost any building to traverse or survey a city from above. Each of the game’s cities can be explored at street level or from the rooftops, as you might expect. This freedom is essential to the game and not only

Unlike most games where you play a hitman, Assassin’s Creed leans heavily towards action instead of stealth. It’s more a case of being discreet than hiding in the shadows and even if you are discovered, it’s never a situation that can’t be resolved. However quiet your approach has been, things always kick off once you’ve taken out one of your nine targets and, like many times in the game, it’ll be time to fight or take flight. Altaïr can only escape the guards by hiding. The most dramatic and satisfying way of doing this is to head up to the rooftops and find a group of birds resting on a ledge; a subtle pointer to a ‘leap of faith’. Jumping off of these often preposterous edges sees Altaïr flying off as the camera swoops upwards, following his miniature skydive to its conclusion. In true action movie style, your landing pad and hiding place is always a small pile of super-absorbent hay. As much fun as escaping is, fighting is an equally appealing choice. Altaïr is rarely faced with anything other than multiple enemies and fending off increasing numbers of guards is a joy. Combat is more a case of executing well timed and directed moves than remembering which button to use, which suits the game’s fighting perfectly. It often makes more sense to flee the scene, but Assassin’s Creed’s combat is often so rewarding that you’ll frequently be tempted to stop and challenge a pursuing group to a fight. The Prince of Persia’s influences are clear. The games that Ubisoft Montreal has developed before have always been pretty, but Assassin’s

Creed is something special. Quite simply, this is one of the best looking games to date. Each city is alive with thousands of people going about their daily business, in rowdy marketplaces and secluded alleyways that organically flow from one to another. Assassin’s Creed’s audio is accomplished too, with subtle sound effects and an excellent orchestral score. The voice acting is also well done, except for Altaïr himself. Using an American voice not only creates a historical paradox, but detracts significantly from his personality as well. Like a medieval version of David Beckham, he is undoubtedly cool up to the point where he opens his mouth. The voice acting is not the only place where Assassin’s Creed slips up either. The ending is badly conceived and confusing as well, leaving the player wondering round until they stumble on the right button press at the right time. Some players may also dislike the amount of repetition in the game, although steps have been made to reduce the amount of this. Assassin’s Creed is quite possibly the coolest game I’ve ever played. Not only is it satisfying to play, but it looks incredible and is easy to control. Each city is alive with activity, designed with care and attention to detail. Assassin’s Creed may not be perfect, but it offers one of the best singleplayer experiences you’ll play this year, and that’s saying a lot. 9/10

by Philip Morton

Greenpeace slams console makers Nintendo and Microsoft are among the worst companies in the electronics industry when it comes to environmental policy, according to a new Greenpeace report. The sixth issue of the Guide to Greener Electronics includes television and game console manufacturers for the first time. Although Sony received a respectable score of 7.3 out of 10, Microsoft entered towards the end of the rankings with a paltry 2.7. Even worse are Nintendo, who scored 0, making them the first company to fail all of the testing criteria. The environmental campaign group ranked companies on how well they clean up their products by eliminating hazardous substances and recycle them once they become obsolete. Microsoft scored points for its chemical management and for setting a timeline by

which it intends to eliminate vinyl plastic (PVC) and all brominated flame retardants (BFRs), but only by 2011. Nintendo, on the other hand, has “infinite room for future improvement”.

“Nintendo, on the other hand, has infinite room for future improvement” The Japanese games giant responded, “Nintendo is surprised by the content of the Greenpeace report. Nintendo takes great care to comply with all relevant regulations on avoiding the use of dangerous materials, recycling of materials etc. We do not know the basis or methodology used by Greenpeace to produce this report, and therefore cannot comment on it.” 49

Greenpeace’s findings are in stark contrast to the clean, family-friendly image that Nintendo has worked hard to maintain over the years. While Microsoft has never had the best of reputations, it’s certainly surprising to hear that Nintendo’s policies are in such a bad state, especially after all the good press they’ve been receiving lately. The games industry shipped 62.7 million consoles in 2006 and is one of the fastest developing sectors in the field of electronic products. However strong the sales, these low scores from Nintendo and Microsoft reveal that the games industry still has a long way to go to improve its environmental policies and practices. by Philip Morton

get into pole position Whilst most of us restrict our visits to Isis to the grotty student fest that is Wednesday night, Isis pulls in a different crowd throughout the rest of the week when it becomes Senoritas, Nottingham’s only fully licensed table-dancing club. I first stumbled across Senoritas during the exam period of last term when my friends and I should probably have been revising but the appeal of Isis was too strong. However, we were bitterly disappointed to discover that because of exams the regular student night was cancelled and Isis had become an apparently seedy strip joint for the evening. Still, we’d paid the cab fare and free entry for ladies meant we had nothing to lose by checking it outright? As is always the way, the most random of nights turn out to be the most fun and an evening at Senoritas was certainly surreal. At first the atmosphere was quite disconcerting because it was so empty. The top floor balcony is the only area open with one bar and the room of booths I am usually so used to drunkenly dancing upon was curtained off for ‘private’ dances. Around the main stage, a gaggle of ogling men were hunched over tables as the dancer seductively took command of the pole, executing some very impressive moves.

“As is to be expected, drunkenness quickly ensued and before too long we’d found some unattended poles and gave it a go ourselves.” Whilst the men were perving away, we watched in amazement as the girls swung around the pole upside down, performing all kinds of acrobatics and contemplated such deep and meaningful enigmas as ‘How come she hasn’t got any cellulite?’ and ‘Surely she’ll break her ankle in those heels?’. Despite Senoritas not being a student night, upon presentation of your NUS card drinks are discounted. As is to be expected, drunkenness quickly ensued and before too long we’d found some unattended poles and gave it a go ourselves. When the dancers aren’t performing they circulate the club, chatting to their audience and were more than happy to share a few tips, although I have to admit we were less

than graceful!

Pole Dancing DIY Style

Being the only group of girls in there certainly proved to be an added perk; the waiter brought a bottle of pink Moët over to our table, apparently from some anonymous admirer. It all seemed very clichéd but we certainly weren’t complaining – how often does that happen on the standard student night?

Why not brave the pole yourself by going along to professionally lead classes at Senoritas every Tuesday 7-9pm? It’s great fun and even better exercise, although I can guarantee your muscles will be aching for days afterwards! If you’ve got reservations about making a complete fool of yourself in front of a lot of giggling girls, then perhaps a home pole dancing kit is for you. The ‘Peekaboo Dancing Pole’ is available from Anne Summers for a mere £60 (sounds pricey until you learn that it includes a sexy garter and 100 ‘Dance dollars’.) It’s certainly a kinky way to spend the evening, so get on that pole and work up a sweat the sexy way.

“As with any sex based industry where the female body is marketed for male gratification, the question of acceptability is always inevitable.” With any strip club comes controversy, and Senoritas is no exception, especially being so close to the University campus. Such an establishment can easily be accused of degrading women to pornographic figures. As with any sex based industry where the female body is marketed for male gratification, the question of acceptability is always inevitable. This is a matter of personal opinion and obviously Senoritas is not the place for diehard feminists who see the dancers to be demeaning to women, or worse, helpless victims. Upon visiting Senoritas, it appeared to me very clear who was in control, as the men sat mesmerised by the dancer’s beguiling moves. The girls themselves seemed completely unphased by their job, treating it purely as a profession, nothing more than an everyday activity. This was summed up as one of the dancers writhed on floor in front of us and said, “God, I hope I didn’t leave my straighteners on!”. Pippa Irvine

Pippa Irvine

an erotic night in As women have become increasingly sexually liberated, so has the popularity of the infamous Ann Summers parties. Having recently attended a party, the experience hilariously bizarre. I was amazed at how the atmosphere quickly turned from horrifically awkward to wonderfully uninhibited (to the point of donning strap-ons on our foreheads.) I couldn’t help wondering what the world of an Ann Summer’s rep must be like – further investigation was essential: For those of us who don’t know, can you explain what happens at an Ann Summers party? Well, most is a secret surprise, but what I can tell you is it doesn’t cost a penny, there are lots of fun games to play with prizes, a display of lingerie and toys and a raffle. Anything can be ordered from the catalogue and will be hand delivered. If you host a party, you will also receive 10% of the party sales to spend on yourself, so what are you waiting for?

Ann Summers party is the place to let it out. Everyone has a good time and joins in the spirit and nobody is made to feel uncomfortable or take part in anything they don’t want to. People do get embarrassed but are still having fun and let their mortifying secrets out and have a giggle. What is the best sexy toy you have come across? The best sex toy Ann Summers has every made would have to be the Serna, for value and effect. It’s soft and powerful and comes in a lovely shade of pink, every girl should have one!

Impact goes to the student public in search of an answer to the long debated issue of the one night stand. Is it the perfect night-cap or the recipe for an awful morning-after? “I don’t like the idea of waking up next to a guy I only met last night; it makes you feel dirty and vulnerable.” “I once rolled over to find a girl lying next to me; I didn’t remember meeting her and couldn’t for the life of me remember her name. It was incredibly awkward and has put me off one-night stands for life.” “One night stands are OK as long as both people want it to happen and appreciate it for what it is. I also think they are better with people you know, at least you know what you are getting yourself in for.”

What is the most outrageous product you have sold? The most outrageous product I have sold would have to be the Snapper Pouch. For those of you unfamiliar with this, it’s a male thong with a pouch shaped like a crocodile. I don’t know about you ladies but this to me is certainly outrageous and one for all with a reptile fetish.

“One night stands are dangerous and you could risk getting hurt. I don’t think it’s a good idea for a drunk girl to go home with someone she doesn’t know and she could run the risk of just being used.”

What is the most interesting game you have played at a party? The most interesting game has to be Strawberry shoe lace sex positions. This entails making as many sex positions in pairs in one minute keeping one end of a strawberry lace in your mouth and the other end in your partners! Highly amusing and a tasty treat for your efforts!

“Sex + no comittment = the best cocktail Isis can offer!” “One-night stands are OK, but intimacy in a long-term relationship is so much better.” “Girls pretend they can handle a one night stand in the same way guys can but I think in reality it’s very hard to have completely meaningless sex and remain detached.”

What is the most eventful party you have thrown and why? The most eventful party would have to be at a student house when the girls were downstairs at the party playing games and looking at the lingerie rail and the boys of the house (dying to get a peek of the action) paraded down in bras and panties asking to join the party. We all had a giggle and sent them back upstairs with their tails between their legs, literally! Do you find that most people get into the spirit of the party or are they a bit prudish and embarrased? Everyone has a kinky side and an

One Night Stand... Take it or Leave it?

“Drunk and horny? Women have needs too!” “We were friends. That went out the window. Just because we’re still ‘friends’ now does not mean I’m not going to completely ruin his life.” “Harder to get it up. Defeats the point really.” by Laura Tindle

Various anonymous students 51

Join In!

tonic

Over 70 students have helped to make this issue of Impact, why don’t you 6 Chapel Quarter, Chapel Bar, Nottingham, Asian-spiced Tuna and mango sushi roll to the next one? NG1 6JS contribute (Tel. 01159414770) was a deliciously light and flavoursome For the perfect start to an elegant night out, Tonic Restaurant in the centre of town puts on a ladies night every Wednesday. It is divided into the restaurant and lounge bar on the top floor, a lively bar on the ground floor and a stylish daytime deli at ground level. The restaurant is impressively spacious and has a modern style with luxuriously designed décor of wood, leather and suede. The atmosphere is easy going with cool tunes and comfy swivel arm chairs; the ideal setting for a long evening of great chats and wonderful food and wine. Tonic places a great deal of emphasis upon the importance of locally produced food with natural flavors and colours. The cuisine is modern British and all of our dishes were absolutely exquisite. We ordered from the a-la carte menu of which the choice is extensive and exciting. The

starter. For main, I went for a classic rib eye steak, it was a cooked to perfection and the fat chips are seriously fat. If you’ve got a sweet tooth then the deserts will certainly not disappoint- how does mini doughnuts with homemade strawberry jam or chocolate fudge brownie with butterscotch bananas sound? Food is presented beautifully with obvious care and the service is friendly and efficient. The added beauty of Tonic is that once you’ve filled up on brownies and doughnuts, it’s only a short walk down a flight of stairs to the stylish bar area. There is an extensive list of delicious cocktails that’ll certainly help to keep the fun going on into the small hours. Tonic is a lively and fashionable restaurant with delicious food that is reasonably priced considering the high quality: well worth a visit. Pippa Irvine

monkey business Brass Monkey prides itself on being the first cocktail bar in Nottingham, opening in 1999. It usually gets busiest on the weekends, so try this little hotspot when you are feeling in need of some classier tipples than the usual alchopop, and remember the dress code is smart so don your best glad rags. With a different genre of music every day of the week music the Brass Monkey makes for an eclectic evening out. The price for most cocktails range from around £6, although if you make it to the happy hour

(8-10pm) you can make a thrifty £2 saving (enough for ‘classy’ post-cocktail cheese and chips!) as most drinks are £4. The fresh fruit used in the cocktails makes a refreshing change to generic syrupy concoctions often found in Nottingham’s other bars. Particular recommendations include the Mojito cocktail, the Margharita or the Bloody Mary as the outstanding specialities of the bar. All in all this monkey is definitely not brass but funky. John Aeron-Thomas

bargain of the month

Tonic’s ladies night every Wednesday is the perfect excuse for a girly get together. You will receive 25% off your food bill when ladies dine with ladies from the full A La Carte menu. Prebooking is necessary.

Win Super Sexy Study Aid - Microsoft Office Ultimate 2007 Definitely the best investment you’ll make as a student! The latest Microsoft® Office Ultimate 2007 package is exclusively available to students for just £38.95 (usually around £500!). To celebrate the launch of this exclusively student offer, Impact is giving away a copy of Microsoft Office to one lucky winner.

has also been completely modernised with new colour schemes and updated graphics making it easier to create eye-catching documents. Microsoft have also introduced two new applications to the Office family making this a must-have purchase for all students: ‘Groove’ – A collaborative application to help teams work together and share information whether online or offline, making it an ideal tool for group presentations and ‘OneNote’ – A note taking application that makes it really easy to collate research, make and then share content with the rest of your team.

Immediate changes can be seen in the redesigned user interfaces of the core applications (Word, Excel, Outlook and PowerPoint), while more challenging applications, such as Access, have been given a totally new look to improve your user experience. Excel

Win Goodies From Studentbeans.com Students and beans are synonymous with one another. Served with a long hangover fry-up or rushed on a piece of toast, the possibilities of what the budget-conscious student can do with a cheap can of beans is endless. So it was only a matter of time before someone came up with a company monopolising on the idea, in conjunction with a student money-saving venture.

studentbeans.com really is easy to use and it won’t cost you a penny. It’s as simple as click, print and save – register for FREE, print out vouchers and use them in the relevant venues. Impact have fun prizes from studentbeans.com…

To find out more about the £38.95 offer please visit www.TheUltimateSteal.co.uk To win a copy, please answer this mind-boggling brain teaser… Bill Gates is worth how much more than a student copy of Microsoft Office? a) b) c)

quotability

1 full meal platter and a bottle of wine at Nando’s 1 gift box of Jelly Belly beans To enter answer this beanified question

Studentbeanss.com is a fresh and funky enterprise designed to alleviate the student body from their constant economic struggle. Set up by two recent graduates from Birmingham and Nottingham University, the aim was to create a brand that was fun, fresh and quirky. The studentbeans.com mascot is a giant, furry, blue bean. If you’re lucky enough to encounter him, the bean and his friends have been known to distribute packs of Jelly Belly Beans.

Impact staff issue 187

Beans are the what… a) artistic vegetable b) musical fruit c) magical meat For more information log on to www.studentbeans.com Answers to both competitions can be sent to magazine@impactnottingham.com or drop a postcard into the Impact Office. I’ve being saying this since the start of term, but no one’s sent me a postcard.

Editor-In-Chief: Dan Brenikov Editor: Alice Hutton Deputy Editor: Jessica Elgot Design Editor: Amy Bell Associate Editors: Ben Davies, Jen McDerra, Rob Barham Web Editor: Lawrence Duvall Online Editors: Peter Fejer, Steph Hartley Images Editors: Philip Morton, Dee Durham Associate Design Editor: Philip Morton News Editors: Pippa Vaux, Heather Saxton, Emily Grosvenor-Taylor Sports Editors: Mark Lomas, Gemma Casey Associate Sports Editor: Steve Dew-Jones Travel Editors: Jennifer Lipman, Jessica Baron Fashion Editors: Mary-Anne Veit, Simone Konu Associate Fashion Editor: Rachel Banks Arts Editors: Bianca Leggett, Sarah Braybrooke Film Editors: Warren Tarling, Harry Kerr Music Editors: Sophie Pearce, Ian Steadman Science Editor: Natasher Beecher Nights Editors: Catriona Nunn, Philipa Irvine, Susan Wareham Media Manager: Nsikan Edung Publicity and Finance Manager: Priya Majeethia Proof Reader: Isobel Mostyn Publicity Officers: Joe Jackson, Robert Colley, Sophie Gargan, Tamara Miller

contributors Andrew Gibson, Meryl Day, Kate Langley, Tristan Kennedy, Alex Dolphin, Pete Wozniak, Tom Brookes, Olivia Holden-Rea, Laura Tindle, John AeronThomas, Marcus Wood, James Watson, Will Saunders, Laura McGuinness, Ben Samuel, Luke Bolch, Ollie Gargrave, Clarissa Woodbury, Mariana Penna, Josie Ensor, Nick Moran, Florence Page, Sam Hunt, Fred Thorling, Criag Cox, Frances Ryan, Rachel Randall, Sophia Hemsley, Francesca Wood, Niall Farmer, Anna Sarjeant, Graham Milton, Andy Parkinson, Edward Knock, Dave Bawden, James Ballard, Ryan Neal, Sixty G, Dave Bell, Alex Baker, Chris Mapleston, Jenna Ward, Sophie Ronald, Andy Straiton

Approximately $55 billion more Approximately $555 billion more Approximately $5 billion more

‘Getting a virgin to write about kinky sex is like getting a dog to write about caviar.’ ‘Romance isn’t dead, it’s on MDMA.’ ‘I was in love once. It was expensive.’ ‘You asked me to write you a song!!’ ‘I didn’t say rap!’ ‘I hate getting leprosy.’ ‘I feel like going to bed with Blackadder’ ‘Shall we secrete surprises anyone?’ ‘Je concur’ ‘If you’re doing a restaurant review you should really know to spell á la carte...’ ‘You’re in High School Musical or some shit aren’t you?’ ‘...and that’s why they call me flange wank’ ‘We’d have beautiful children, and efficient ones!’ ‘No Mum, you’ll hate the bit about prostitutes; you’ll think it’s me or something’ ‘We can’t put that in or I’ll vomit blood all over the floor’ ‘Bloody albino squirrel’

photos, artwork & design Dee Durham, Phil Morton, Amy Bell, Daniel Brenikov, Meryl Day, Caroline Wijnbladh, Winston Luk, Richard Round -Turner, Katie-Rose Matthews, Tristan Kennedy et al.

apologies

Sorry Karni. Musab Younis for some unintentional editing.

thanks

The Guardian for our snazzy runnerup prize. Go on, do us one better next time…

advertising SU Marketing Team, Media Communications Tel: (0115) 846 8744 E-mail: sumarketing@nottingham.ac.uk

contact us Impact Magazine, Portland Building, University Park, University of Nottingham, Nottingham, NG7 2RD Tel: 0115 846 8716 magazine@impactnottingham.com editor@impactnottingham.com deputyeditor@impactnottingham.com features@impactnottingham.com designers@impactnottingham.com images@impactnottingham.com sports@impactnottingham.com fashion@impactnottingham.com nights@impactnottingham.com films@impactnottingham.com music@impactnottingham.com arts@impactnottingham.com news@impactnottingham.com science@impactnottingham.com travel@impactnottingham.com grapevine@impactnottingham.com

DISCLAIMER: The views expressed in Impact are those of individual contributors and are not representative of the magazine, Students’ Union or University.

Almost

Famous Last Words

Finding Toadfish In the last week of term, as a Christmas treat for Nottingham students, Ryan Maloney a.k.a. Jarrod “Toadfish” Rebecchi of Neighbours fame was trotted out in front of a room of judgmental students in The Venue. The Impact big-wigs summoned contributor Andrew Kaufman to pin him down with penetrating questions, but the evening did not quite go to plan… “If your name’s not down, you’re not coming in!” were the brutal words barked at me in a brash Nottingham accent when I tried to gain access to The Venue on the merits of my journalistic purpose. A panicked phone call to the editor later, and I learn I’m supposed to find someone called Gemma. Apparently she is the St. Peter of The Venue, granting people access if they have atoned for their sins, or if they’re not too drunk, but she was nowhere to be seen. I had come prepared with a list of questions, but I now began to wonder if they were a bit too risqué. What if he got mad with me and refused to come back to Nottingham ever again? I would surely be lynched and effigies of me would be hung from lampposts. Either that or no-one would give a shit.

“Well you know the reason I’m so fat? It’s ‘cos every time I shag your mum she gives me a cookie” You have to hand it to Mr Maloney, he certainly does know his audience. “Who in here watches Neighbours?” An appropriate amount of whooping and cheering was had. “Who likes Home and Away?” The booing sounded like the audience had been shipped in from the nearest panto. “How do you keep in shape Toadie?” enquires one eager piss-taker. “What are you trying to say? Am I fat?” The crowd chant in agreement. “Well you know the reason I’m so fat? It’s ‘cos every time I shag your mum she gives me a cookie.” It might have been funny, if I, and most other people in the room hadn’t known that this was his signature response to any question about his weight. After a few more heavily vetted questions, Toadie left the stage to sign autographs and to have his picture taken with nigh-on everyone in a 10 mile radius. Now was my chance, only a sweaty crowd of drunkards stood between me and my destiny. With my camera at the ready, I was prepared to sweet talk him into giving me some exclusive access into the world of the Toad.

My plan came crashing down when I was sat next to the man himself and said: “How do you feel about giving me five minutes of your time for an interview for the uni magazine?” “No.” An awkward moment passed. “You should have organised it in advance.” I could feel the blood vessels in my eyes about to burst. I DID organise it in advance. I was so angry. But then it passed. Screw it, I’m sitting next to Toadie, let’s get a photo and be done with it. And so, this beauty that accompanies this article was taken. To the good people at URN, I would just like to point out that it was all his idea to hold that sign up. I promise.

“What if he got mad with me and refused to come back to Nottingham ever again? I would surely be lynched and e!gies of me would be hung from lampposts” And so, I was off home. But I couldn’t help feeling that my questions deserved to be answered. So here is what the Toad might have answered if I had actually got the chance to interview him: Andrew Kaufman: So, Toadie, what brings you to Nottingham of all places? Toad: Well I hear you have some really trashy girls here. And it’s Ryan, not Toadie.

AK: Yeah, ok. So Toadie, let’s get down to business. Are you jealous of Alan Fletcher (Karl Kennedy) for being the ultimate Neighbours sex symbol? T: He might be a sex symbol, but the reason I’m so fat is because every time I shag his mum she gives me a cookie. AK: Right. So do you mind if I ask who’s the better kisser, Steph or Dee? T: Neither. Susan’s the only woman for me. AK: Speaking of Susan, is it true that Jackie Woodburne (the actress who plays Susan) is a tattoo-covered lesbian, and is dating Janet Andrewartha (Lyn Scully)? T: Flaming galah! Maybe you should ask her yourself – I think she’s coming to the Nottingham biker’s convention soon. AK: Let’s talk politics for a second. [Toadie looks confused.] AK: Do you think Queen Elizabeth II should remain as the Australian head of state? T: No way mate, she needs to pack her bags. I think it should be Shane Warne. AK: But Toadie, what about your other half Steph? She’s a politician now, don’t you think she’d make a good head of state? T: She’s fictional. And her real name is Carla. As my real name is Ryan. Can you stop calling me Toadie? AK: Yeah, ok. So Ryan, I mean Toadie, is the reason Stingray was written out of Neighbours because he killed Steve Irwin? [A long silence passes.] T: I don’t think the two incidents were related. by Andrew Kaufman