Issue 265 - Mental Health and You by Impact Magazine

Letter From our Head of Features TW: Suicide Dear Readers, This issue is a little different from our normal format, but I am so glad that we have been able to share it with you. Student mental health is an epidemic in itself, and I don’t believe that there has ever been a more urgent need to address it. “An unprecedented year…” “I forgot my mask!” “What’s the Zoom password?” “Stay at home. Protect the NHS. Save lives.” These simple phrases, so familiar to us all, would have meant nothing a year ago. Our lives have changed inordinately. And yet, we’re expected to carry on as normal. University students, especially, have been villainised during the pandemic and characterised as careless ‘super spreaders’, all whilst juggling a degree, social life, stagnant job market and the pressures associated with entering adulthood. Many of us have been left feeling let down, forgotten and alone. This issue is here to remind you that you are very much not alone. Even as we stare at one another through a computer screen, we are all connected, struggling through this together. There was no single motivation for this issue. A culmination of heart-wrenching headlines reporting rising numbers of student suicides, alongside student forums being inundated with posts of ‘I feel so anxious, depressed, isolated…’, led me to reach out on Impact to see if the wider feelings were reflected there. The response was overwhelming. This much-needed conversation began to gather momentum. This issue is the result of that momentum. Whilst we may have helped to collate these stories, this issue belongs to the writers and the writers alone. Their bravery in sharing their personal struggles, some of them anonymously due to the sensitive nature of their experiences, shows a willingness to help others that is humbling. This issue has no frills. No sugar-coating. It rips back the curtain on mental illness in all its ugly forms and, in the process, creates something beautiful. The courage to share. The courage to look stigma in the face and say: “not today”. The courage to help others who may be facing their own internal battles in silence. This issue is divided into three sections and is structured rather differently than usual. We wanted the magazine to flow from start to finish, beginning with brave individuals sharing their current struggles in ‘Journey’, followed by practical help— ranging from interviews with psychologists to life coaches—in ‘Support’. We then conclude with hopeful success stories from those who faced their internal battles head on in ‘Recovery’. I want to take a moment to express my thanks to the whole Impact team, before making a few specific thank yous. Firstly, to the amazing Lilith Hudson, as my right hand help throughout this issue. To Isabelle Raikes and Anna Stacey for their vision and encouragement. To the ‘Mini Mental Health Team’, who were instrumental in making this happen: Rowan Cothliff, Melina Williams, Jasmin Lemarie, Jennie Sarama, Gareth Holmes, Abi Kara-Fernandes and Rosie Pinder.

I will not tell you to enjoy this issue. Our intention was never for this issue to be merely ‘enjoyed’; it was meant to be so much more than that. We want this issue to make you uncomfortable, as you question the internalised biases that we all possess toward mental illness. We want this issue to make you sad, as you follow writers on journeys of adversity and pain. We want this issue to make you angry, as you wonder why some individuals experienced what they did or lacked the support that they deserved. However, we also want this issue to make you feel empowered, comforted, hopeful, as you read about individuals who bravely faced internal struggles and won the mental battle that was crippling them. And finally, perhaps most importantly, we want this issue to make you feel less alone. In the words of Rupi Kaur, dear readers, “the irony of loneliness is we all feel it at the same time together”. A socially distanced hug to you all.

By Niamh Robinson

CONTENTS Journey

06 08 10 12 15 16 18 20 22 24 26 28

Support

30 32 34 36 38 40 43 44 46

Recovery

48 50 52 53 54

Living with Depression

Survey of Student’s Mental Health at UoN

Slowly Regaining My Balance

My Experiences with Antidepressants

Types of Therapy on Offer

Life with Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Coming Out As Bisexual

Living with COVID-19: Anxieties and Loneliness

Self-Harm and Shame: How I learnt to Embrace my Scars

The Social Expectation: Being a Student with ASD

DCC Clinical Interview: Anxiety

Body Image and Eating Disorders: My Experience

Toxic Masculinity & Me

UoN Mental Health Services Review

Hope Is My Motivation

Living with Borderline Personality Disorder

In Conversation with a Life Coach

My Experience of Dyspraxia in Education

Behind The Scenes at UoN’s Nightline

Extras

Living with a Long-Term Health Condition: Life with Ulcerative Colitis

Discussing Mental Health with Emily Coleman

Impact Recommends

I Blamed Myself: Living Through Domestic Abuse

It’s All In Your Head: Breaking The Stigma

Comic Strip

My Scoliosis Story

Living With Complex Childhood Trauma: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men” Three Lessons (That I am Still Learning)

56 58 59 60

The Team

SU Mental Health Services

JOURNEY

IMPACT

JOURNEY

Living with Depression Sarah bravely discusses her experiences of clinical depression as a student at university. She stresses the importance of conquering taboos as a society, but also advocates finding what works for you when it comes to your mental health.

Imagine the best day of your life. You’re surrounded by happiness and joy; you have everything you ever wanted and practically everything is perfect. But, for some reason, you feel an overwhelming sense of sadness. You can’t figure out why. There’s nothing bringing you down or stressing you out, so why do you still feel like this? That’s what clinical depression feels like. We’ve all felt depressed at one point or another, but clinical depression is different. It’s always there, whether it has a reason to be or not.

I was diagnosed with depression almost five years ago, during my first year as an undergraduate. I’d spoken to doctors about my low mood before this, but, somehow, they always managed to link it to external factors: “You feel like this because of your exams” or “are your periods due?”. It was almost as if, to be diagnosed as ‘clinically depressed’, I was expected to be constantly sad.

I come from a culture where mental health was always seen as a taboo topic. The country I was born in, Pakistan, has always associated depression and other mental health problems with witchcraft and hysteria, instead of viewing it as a genuine medical issue.

Luckily, the myths associated with depression have progressed hugely in the UK. So much so, that almost everywhere you go we’re bombarded with campaigns and adverts telling us to be more open about these issues. But even then, it can be hard. Throughout my final year of college, I would spend every other Wednesday afternoon in the office of a therapist. I would make up an excuse and tell my friends I was busy. Now, looking back, I wish I had been honest with them.

By the time I was officially diagnosed with depression, things had gotten pretty bad. I would rarely leave my tiny room in university halls, I stopped going to lectures, talking to my friends, doing my work and taking care of myself. A friend finally pushed me into seeking help and even came to my GP appointment with me. After taking a short survey, the GP decided there was enough reason to start me on a low dosage of antidepressants.

‘The thing that you have to remember about antidepressants is that everyone’s experience is different’

The thing that you have to remember about antidepressants is that everyone’s experience is different. But generally, the first month makes things worse than they were before, that’s what the general experience seems to be. And it was definitely the case for me. To say I was in a slump for that first month would be an understatement. I could barely move, talk or eat. I felt numb and hollow. I didn’t feel like me.

One thing I always tell people who are about to start their antidepressant journey is to make sure they have people around them, because this is something that is pretty difficult to get through alone. I was lucky enough to have incredibly understanding housemates who were constantly checking in on me and taking care of me, and it made the whole process so much more tolerable.

‘Over the years, I’ve become a lot more open about my battle with depression, but it took a long time for me to get there’

7 I don’t mind telling my friends when I need some time to myself or have to cancel our plans. I don’t mind asking my GP if I can up the dosage of my antidepressants when I feel my mood declining. I don’t mind deactivating my social media accounts when I find that they’re bringing me down. Like I said, you have to take it all one day at a time and that’s okay; nothing or no one should come before your own health.

‘We need to make sure that, as a society, we continue to raise our voices, until we get the results that are so desperately needed’

‘We shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on ourselves to achieve the impossible’

Over the years, I’ve become a lot more open about my battle with depression, but it took a long time for me to get here. With the rise of the wellbeing industry and social media influencers, we’re constantly under pressure to have perfect lives. But often, we forget that what we see on our screens is just a minor glimpse into the lives of others. Even for the most open of celebrities, not everything is perfect, therefore we shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on ourselves to achieve the impossible.

The ongoing dialogue surrounding mental health is most definitely breaking down stigmas and taboos surrounding the topic, but we still have a long way to go. We need to make sure that as a society, we continue to raise our voices until we get the results that are so desperately needed.

By Sarah Harris Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

JOURNEY

‘The thing that you have to remember about antidepressants is that everyone’s experience is different’

‘Over the years, I’ve become a lot more open about my battle with depression, but it took a long time for me to get there’

‘We need to make sure that, as a society, we continue to raise our voices, until we get the results that are so desperately needed’

‘We shouldn’t be putting so much pressure on ourselves to achieve the impossible’

By Sarah Harris Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

My Experience with Antidepressants Abi discusses the journey she undertook from homeopathic medicinal methods, Buddhist practices and CBT to realising that she needed biological help from antidepressants.

In April 2019, I started taking antidepressants for the first time. This completely changed my life, and although a lot of the process has been long and hard, the one thing I know now is that I should have gone on antidepressants years ago. Growing up, my mum would swear by homeopathic medicines, including things such as arsen alb for an upset stomach and rescue remedy to aid anxiety. I know firsthand just how beneficial a lot of these have been to my life, whether it is through simply the placebo effect or actual medicinal benefits, and I still carry rescue remedy with me wherever I go. Contrary to popular belief, this does not mean we are anti-vaxxers or never go to the doctor. In fact, my mum has always urged us to go to the doctor when necessary. When it came to my depression, however, she wanted me to try every possible option before going on antidepressants, despite other members of my family being on them. Knowing I had previously managed my depression without them, I shared her reluctance, and truly felt I had exhausted all other options before eventually agreeing to take them. This includes a multitude of things, beyond just homeopathic aids. As a Buddhist, I continued to try to meditate, often alongside yoga, however a lot of the time my depression was so overwhelming, I could not manage to think straight for long enough to even do this. I changed my contraception from the pill to the implant, attempted sleep hygiene to ease my insomnia, and purchased a SAD lamp, which, after little help, I now just use as a lightbox for my art. During all of this, I also applied for counselling, one being the NHS self-referral talking therapy. Through this, I was given Cognitive Behavioural Therapy which focuses on challenging negative thinking and regulating your emotions. Having coped with depressive thoughts for several years previously, I found these sessions mostly redundant, just telling me the things I needed to do, but my depression was preventing me from doing.

‘As a Buddhist, I continued to try to meditate, often alongside yoga, however a lot of the time my depression was so overwhelming, I could not manage to think straight for long enough to even do this’

JOURNEY ‘Often you do feel worse before it starts to get better’

‘Changing antidepressants is also not an easy process’

‘It is important to consider whether you truly need to go on antidepressants, or if you instead need a lifestyle change’

This ultimately meant that I did need the biological help of antidepressants to boost the neurotransmitters in my brain. Initially I was put on Sertraline, an SSRI which works by blocking the reuptake of serotonin into the nerve cell that released it, meaning the serotonin can act for longer on your brain. Going on antidepressants is not an easy option. The first month after you start taking them is honestly awful. You are warned about this beforehand, as often you do feel worse before it starts to get better, and I can firsthand say this is true—not to mention the other side effects that can come with antidepressants. After these weeks however, I did begin to feel slightly better. I had more energy and my friends even noted a difference in me. Unfortunately, one of the other side effects of taking Sertraline for me was that I started fainting, for the first time in my life. I was quickly changed to another SSRI, Citalopram. Despite initial improvements, I was still spending most days depressed and unable to leave my room. After a few months, my doctor and I made the decision to double my dose. Around this time however, what had previously just been work-related anxiety started to morph into social anxiety. As someone who has always been very secure of myself, despite the depression, I found this harder than anything, and with no further improvements in my mood, I was taken off Citalopram and put onto Mirtazapine. Mirtazapine is an atypical antidepressant, thought to help both depression and anxiety. This was the final change I made in medication, aside from increasing the dose a few months later. Changing antidepressants is also not an easy process. You must slowly lower your dose over a few days until you are no longer on this first antidepressant, before starting the new one, and then experience another month of the effects of being on a new medication. The week it takes to change a medication takes an extreme toll on your emotions, and means there is a day where you will be on no medication. When I was changing between Citalopram and Mirtazapine, the intense effects this was having on my mood sparked an argument between me and my long-term boyfriend at the time. The next day, on the day in between coming off Citalopram and starting Mirtazapine, he broke up with me. I do not know if he will ever understand just how reckless his actions were, and I cannot stress how important it is to look out for your friends when they are starting a course of antidepressants. In the end, it was getting out of this unhealthy relationship that relieved such a big trigger for me and gave me the chance to truly focus on myself and my mental health. It is important to consider whether you truly need to go on antidepressants, or if you instead need a lifestyle change; however, I also now know just how much antidepressants have improved my life. Mirtazapine having a sedative effect has finally allowed me to get to sleep much easier. For the first time in a long time, my head feels so much clearer and I, in turn, am much calmer. I know now that in previous years, when I thought I was at a healthy point with my mental health, my brain was still in a fog, and antidepressants would have made a difference even then. I want to stay on antidepressants for definite for the next few years, and I honestly would not be surprised if I stay on them for the rest of my life. I am finally learning to be okay with that. I have fought depression since I was twelve, and with all that life throws at us, I do not have a reason, nor a want, to change what works.

By Abi Kara-Fernandes Page Design by Chiara Crompton

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Coming Out As Bisexual— Why Heteronormativity Is Detrimental To Young People’s Mental Health Jasmin Lemarie discusses her experience with coming out as bisexual to friends and family, and the struggle she felt accepting her sexuality and identity in a world in which heteronormativity is ingrained.

I didn’t really start questioning my sexuality until I was 13 years old, and I realised that maybe it wasn’t as black or white as being ‘gay or straight’. I knew that I’d had crushes on boys, but I assumed that because I felt differently towards girls, it wasn’t the same as attraction.

‘Internalised biphobia and heteronormativity meant that I didn’t know if it was possible to be attracted to more than one gender’ I didn’t really know what the word ‘bisexual’ meant, and internalised biphobia and heteronormativity meant that I didn’t know if it was possible to be attracted to more than one gender. I started looking back at some of my friendships with girls in primary school, and even nursery, and I wondered if maybe I actually did have feelings towards some of them.

I felt confused and lost. All my life I had assumed I was straight, because being attracted to the opposite gender is seen as the norm, it’s so deeply ingrained in our society, that anything else is deemed to be ‘not normal’ or ‘otherness’. This only added to the confusion that I was feeling about my sexuality, and I didn’t want to accept myself for who I was. Shortly after my 14th birthday, I dyed my hair purple and started wearing all black. I think I was projecting my identity crisis onto my appearance and the way I expressed myself. I felt so alone, and I constantly felt at war with myself. I was scared of labelling myself as bisexual, because I was scared that it wasn’t true. What if I was just making it all up for attention? What if I kissed a girl and realised that I wasn’t into girls at all? Looking back now, it’s clear to see how ingrained heterosexual relationships are in our lives. I never questioned my attraction for boys, because that was always seen as the default, and an accepted part of my identity.

JOURNEY

I think that part of it also stems from years of misogyny, in a society built upon the oppression of women. It’s almost as if it is seen as impossible for a woman to be with another woman, where it doesn’t directly benefit a man. This ingrained heteronormativity constantly clashed with who I was, as I was becoming increasingly aware of my attraction to girls.

‘I struggled to accept that my sexuality was valid no matter what’ I struggled to accept that my sexuality was valid no matter what. I felt the pressure that once you label yourself something, that’s it, you can never go back. After coming to terms with how I was feeling, I decided that I am bisexual, and for me at least, I would be happy to use that label for the rest of my life. It took a long time to come to a place where I could accept that and I pressured myself into coming out when I wasn’t ready. I came out to my friends individually, and they all were supportive and understanding. I got such a high from finding that small part of myself and from feeling validated by others that I then felt pressured to come out to my parents. Looking back now, I wish that I had waited a little longer, when I had come to terms with what being bisexual meant for me, and when I was in a better headspace to explain it all to my parents. Instead, I just blurted it out at dinner without explanation, leaving everyone, including myself, feeling confused. The incident was just kind of brushed over, as if it had never happened, until a few months later, I got into my first relationship, that happened to be with a girl. I told my parents that I had a girlfriend, and sort of ‘re-came out’ to them. They were supportive and accepting, but I also knew they were confused and didn’t quite understand what I was going through. I guess that was just a cumulation of years of ingrained heteronormativity and the idea that sexuality had to be black and white.

11 Through my first relationship, I began to experience some of the difficulties that gay couples experience and I really began to understand what straight privilege actually is. There was no real representation of bisexual or gay couples on TV. We had to be wary of even holding hands in public and I was scared to come out to my extended family, so I didn’t tell them I had a girlfriend. I think the experience of realising that my relationships weren’t always going to be accepted or validated by society took a toll on my mental health. Sometimes it feels conflicting to be bisexual because my partners don’t define my sexuality.

‘I was afraid when I first started dating my current boyfriend that my sexuality wouldn’t be seen as valid anymore’ I was afraid when I first started dating my current boyfriend that my sexuality wouldn’t be seen as valid anymore, and I started to feel edged out of the LGBTQ+ community. I felt like I didn’t quite belong because I had started to experience straight privilege in my relationship. Even to this day I still feel like that, and I have to remind myself that my sexuality is still valid, and my experiences and struggles of being bisexual haven’t been erased just because I have a boyfriend. It’s hard enough trying to figure out your sexuality, without the added hassle of having to come out and to identify as something that is different to the norm. We need to change the fact that heterosexuality is seen as the default, that cisgender and gender binaries are seen as the default. Maybe one day we’ll come to a time when people can date whoever they want to, and express their identity without feeling the pressure to conform to certain standards that exist within a single label.

‘Through my first relationship, I began to experience some of the difficulties that gay couples experience, and I really began to understand what straight privilege actually is’

By Jasmin Lemarie Page Design by Chiara Crompton

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The Social Expectation: Being a Student with ASD Córa interviews three students diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and shares their experiences on progressing through university life. *Names used are not real to keep the students anonymous.*

The university experience is marketed as an essential period in a young adult’s life. It is the greatest adventure you will ever have, a time where you get to socialise and gain opportunities that only exist in this distinct moment. It is an experience that everybody looks back on fondly. However, for some people it is a vigorous test of their resilience and passion.

The British Medical Association estimates that there are around 700,000 people in the UK diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This is a developmental disability that causes considerable challenges with social, communication, and behavioural skills. Having this disorder does not mean a person is unwell or diseased, instead, it means that their brain works differently. For every person that has autism, they experience it individually. While one person may greatly struggle with communication and socialising, another may struggle greatly with sensory overload. To give you an insight into being a student with ASD, three students from Nottingham universities have shared their stories.

JOURNEY

Amara: I wasn’t diagnosed with ASD until quite recently. As a result, I have pretty much spent my life stumbling and making a fool of myself. I didn’t know how I could care for myself better. It was my first year experience that made me seek the diagnosis. Freshers’ week was a nightmare. I was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people I did not know, and forced to navigate through crowds of people to find a group to settle with. Socialising isn’t my strong suit at all. I have always struggled to begin interactions with others, and with small talk. My ability to interact with others is worsened when there are more than a couple people in a room. Focusing on just one voice becomes a massive challenge to me. The majority of the freshers’ events were in clubs, something I had done my best to avoid before heading to university. I had yet to make any real friends and it was really starting to get to me. So, I took a major plunge in joining some girls from my block in going. Let’s just say, I haven’t been since, and that’s not just because of the pandemic. My head was combusting from how loud it was, my lungs felt like they would tear out of my chest, and I’ve never felt so distressed. I could barely move and was constantly in physical contact with another person – something I really struggle with. I only feel comfortable being in contact with my boyfriend, so you can imagine how much I struggled being in a club. I made up an excuse to leave. Saying “I have … a friend waiting for me, blah blah blah.” The next day, I had a breakdown. I thought that this was what I was meant to do, the only way I could make friends, and I cried down the phone to my parents, declaring I couldn’t be at university. I had panic attack after panic attack. I barely ate all day. This kept happening throughout my first-year. The fire alarms at random times terrified me. I struggled to concentrate in lectures, my senses were overloaded from all the noises and lights. Oh, and for the life of me, I could not initiate conversations. I just awkwardly stood next to people until they spoke to me, my anxiety keeping me quiet. It was an amazing feeling when I finally found some people that wanted to hang out with me more. I’m glad that I stayed at university because I absolutely adore my course. I get to do the very thing I love doing–reading–everyday. Having recorded lectures has made it so much easier for me to study now, too. I’ve made friends that I enjoy being with, and I get to live with my amazing boyfriend. I cannot believe I nearly lost out on experiencing this. Because I pressured myself too much to conform to the social expectations of being a student, I almost dropped out of my dream degree.

Dean: I’ve overall had a pretty good university experience. I like having more freedom and being able to do what I want to do without relying on anyone. I enjoy studying a course that I love, which helps me to do well in it. Although coronavirus has changed a lot of things, I have still been able to hang out with my girlfriend and friends, playing games, or just chatting about our interests. University has enabled me to grow as a person and improved my confidence, so that I can be prepared for any situation in the real world. I have had some difficulties in my current year of study; staying inside a lot more has made it hard to stay as focused with work and makes it harder to stay happy. When I am looking at a screen all day, surrounded by distractions, it’s difficult to focus on one task. I started going for walks with my girlfriend everyday, to get some fresh air and to have a change of scenery. Staying inside also makes me anxious and I then find it more difficult when I have to socialise, as the only people I am seeing are the ones I live with. Having Autism Spectrum Disorder helps me when I study because it enables me to become really entranced in my subject, and I am able to understand concepts faster because of this. I can spend hours on end studying and increasing my knowledge. I enjoy it immensely.

IMPACT

Bobby: Autism is always both a blessing and a curse, and for me it has been much more of a blessing at uni. There is so much to be getting involved with, in my course and with societies. I love delving deeper into my favourite niche areas of my course, and serving my Christian Union family. COVID-19 has limited my university experience – I struggle with online learning, and miss seeing friends in person. But I believe my course and societies have managed things as best as they can. The main problem I have as a result of my autism is that I work too slowly, so that every assignment or even unmarked tasks take longer than they should and cause me more stress. This is all due to the way I process information. I see things in links; one idea is never isolated, but part of a much bigger picture. Without all the details of that picture, to me the idea looks incomplete. Hence before writing I spend ages processing these interlinked chains of thought in my head, and once they are all down, I find I have massively exceeded the word limit. Cutting bits out is even harder; to my mind, everything is necessary, being part of that bigger picture. Similarly, pre-COVID-19, in live lectures I struggled to recognise which points were important and so tried writing everything down. This is impossible when you cannot pause lectures, so I had to record them and stress over re-watching them later.

While I do still think slowly, by acknowledging the links between each detail, I gain a much more thorough understanding of my course. Sometimes autism is socially challenging. Although I rarely have much trouble once a conversation is started, I am not very confident at initiating the discourse. The natural opener, “how are you?”, makes little sense to me. Either you are well, in which case the question is unnecessary, and the conversation has nowhere further to go; or you are unwell, which people do not want to hear, so I seldom think to respond like this.

By Córa-Laine Moynihan Illustrations by Ellie Stainforth-Mallison Page Design by Chiara Crompton

JOURNEY

Toxic Masculinity & Me Joe Paternoster shares his opinion on the term ‘toxic masculinity’ and if it’s really the way forward. I hate the term “toxic masculinity”.

I suppose that’s something someone stereotypically toxically masculine might say, but that’s one label that’s only ever been thrown my way ironically. I study English, write plays and put poems on Instagram. I have a podcast, GlutenFitz, where myself and a friend discuss our emotions. The biggest similarity between ‘Joe’ and ‘lad’ is that both are three letters long.

And yet, the term ‘toxic masculinity’ still irks me. I tried figuring out why.

It would be ignorant to deny that toxically masculine traits exist. Phrases like “man up” and “boys don’t cry” can be harmful. We all know a sexist. We all know men are more prone to violence. We’ve all heard sexual assault horror stories. There are men who are objectively toxic and contribute to social expectations that may make less stereotypically masculine men feel uncomfortable being themselves.

‘Issues arise, however, when this condemnation doesn’t result in change’

Understandably, these behaviours are duly condemned on social media. Issues arise, however, when this condemnation doesn’t result in change. In recent years, terms like ‘toxic masculinity’, ‘mansplaining’, ‘manspreading’, lad culture and the patriarchy have embedded themselves within our discussions of masculinity. You would think having such a lorry-load of terms to describe these behaviours would surely only discourage such behaviours. But, I argue, this hasn’t been the case. I believe that, whilst terms like ‘toxic masculinity’ and ‘lad culture’ are useful for identifying problems, they are useless for solving them. Having such terms relentlessly flying around social media constructs a narrative, intended or not, that men should feel guilty for the sins of their more toxic ancestors, and that there is something fundamentally bad with being a man.

What’s going wrong?

‘There’s a counterculture of hypermasculinity emerging’

Those bricklayers who wolf whistle as a girl walks past are still wolf whistling. Rugby lads are still rugby lads in every sense of the term. Some can argue things are even getting worse. There’s a counterculture of hypermasculinity emerging, which we’ve seen in its infancy in Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage and co., and to its full potential in that fluffy orange grandpa across the Atlantic.

I know this is not the case. Undoubtedly, countless other men do too. But, if you approach the men whose behaviours are most detestable and try to reason with them by describing their masculinity as toxic, telling them that they are mansplaining, or saying that they are playing into a lad culture, you will not get anywhere with them. These terms, in their very nature, are provocative, and whilst that turns some heads, it turns away others. Men feel put on the defensive, even if they shouldn’t. Our society mainstreams terms describing negative masculinity, but perhaps formulating and elevating terms describing positive masculinity might be a progressive way forward.

Positive masculinity involves men talking about their feelings, but it goes far further than that. It’s helping men be comfortable in themselves. It’s helping men find out who they are, in a world where the traditional ideas of manhood and manliness fall short of today’s standards.

Masculinity is going nowhere, but we are going backwards. Labelling parts of it toxic is a fruitless endeavour, alienating those the supposed definition most applies to. To progress, we need peace. Maybe changing the way we talk about masculinity is a good first step.

By Joe Paternoster Illustration by Klara Lago Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

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Living with Borderline Personality Disorder Manjula reveals the honest truth about what it’s like to be diagnosed with BDP, how to support others with this disorder, and ways we can overcome the stigma as a society.

TW: suicidal feelings and attempts BPD stands for Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder). Although society is beginning to break the stigma surrounding mental health disorders, particularly on social media, personality disorders are definitely not spoken about often enough. BPD can be a difficult disorder to understand and, unfortunately, there are so many negative assumptions about the people who suffer from it. A lot of people think that it means that a person is manipulative, will never get better or will not be able to have a stable relationship: all of which are untrue. BPD symptoms are usually categorised into four sections: having emotional instability, distorted views, impulsive decisions and unstable relationships. From stories I have heard, and personal experiences of my own regarding mental health services and the diagnosis itself, it is common that mental health professionals are reluctant to diagnose people due to how stigmatised and controversial the diagnosis is.

‘Some people are very against the diagnosis and would much rather just focus on the symptoms and how to treat them’ Some people are very against the diagnosis and would much rather just focus on the symptoms and how to treat them, however, other people may actually find the diagnosis very helpful. In my experience, much the same as my other diagnosed mental health disorders, I felt relieved once I knew I had BPD. I felt less abnormal—there was a valid reason for what people called my “sensitive and dramatic” personality. I have been receiving treatment from mental health services for around nine years now, both through CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) and adult services, but have always been told that I’m “just very sensitive.” Due to my mood always being so up and down, whenever I made a suicide attempt, I would feel completely fine afterwards. This led to my feelings not being taken seriously, something common among BPD sufferers. So many people, including those diagnosed with BPD, are confused by the disorder, as it is so challenging to understand. It is so frustrating when one minute you’re seeing everything and everybody in a distorted light and, no matter what anyone says, nothing will change your mindset. Then, once you’re out of that moment, you feel so incredibly angry at yourself, because you know you were being irrational. Yet, the cycle just happens again and again, completely out of your control.

JOURNEY

For the people supporting BPD sufferers, like friends and family, it can leave you feeling helpless, especially when you see the diagnosed person going from utterly distraught, to happy and laughing in short periods of time. That is the difficult thing about BPD. No matter how fast one’s mood or perceptions may change, you must always take their feelings and emotions seriously. Please never dismiss them. I know it is incredibly hard being close to someone with this disorder, particularly as sufferers can become dependent on those around them. However, I think the way in which BPD sufferers are viewed and treated is a key issue maintaining the taboo around this disorder. So, what can we do to make this disorder less stigmatised? It is a lot easier said than done, but talking about it, and making it known that people diagnosed with BPD are not ‘crazy’ or ‘melodramatic’, is a good starting point. Despite it not being talked about as much as other mental health disorders, such as anxiety and depression, it is actually a lot more common than you may think. Another important thing to remember is that people with BPD are easily triggered by certain things, the most common being things relating to their personal relationships. I’m not recommending that everyone walk on eggshells around people suffering with this disorder because that is definitely the wrong approach. However, just being mindful of what you’re saying or doing, particularly if you’re very close to them, is so important. Just listening and trying to understand means so much.

‘Make it known to the person that you don’t think of them any differently because of their diagnosis’ Don’t be afraid to ask questions (obviously whilst being respectful like you would with other mental health problems), and make it known to the person that you don’t think of them any differently because of their diagnosis. Society needs to stop acting like people with BPD are untreatable, unstable and difficult to deal with. Instead, we should start talking about this disorder and sharing information relating to it. ‘I promise you that even though it may seem like this disorder overcomes you as a person, it is not who you are’ Yes, it is a hard disorder to be diagnosed with but, with the right people around you and mental health support, it is absolutely treatable. For anyone reading this who has BPD, I know it may feel like things will never change and you will be this way forever, but please keep going. I promise you that even though it may seem like this disorder overcomes you as a person, it is not who you are, and it most definitely does not define you.

By Manjula Simon Illustration by Lilith Hudson Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

Liv explains what it’s like to live with dyspraxia, and how her eventual diagnosis offered an explanation to why she struggled with certain things at school from a young age. She shares the aspects of life that are most challenging for her and the places she has turned to for help and reassurance. When I tell people I have dyspraxia, they often do not know what it is, or confuse it with dyslexia. This is surprising given that around 10% of the population have it. Before I was diagnosed, I thought it just meant someone was clumsy or could not tie their shoelaces, and the only time I came across the condition was hearing that Daniel Radcliffe was dyspraxic. Whilst a lot of dyspraxic people are typically ‘clumsy’ (myself included) the condition is far more complex and impacts individuals in a wide range of ways.

My Experience of Dyspraxia in Education

JOURNEY Dyspraxia, also called developmental co-ordination disorder (DCD), is a neurological disorder affecting movement and co-ordination. The condition impacts gross motor control (body movement, balance, and co-ordination) and fine motor skills, affecting dexterity. A dyspraxic person may, therefore, find it difficult to carry out tasks like playing sports, driving, writing, typing, drawing, catching, holding an object in their hands, or keeping balance. But they may also find things such as learning, memory, processing information, dealing with emotions, coping with social situations, and personal skills such as daily self-care, organisation, and time management difficult too. The cause of dyspraxia is unknown and there is no cure. However, if identified, there is support available, especially in educational contexts.

‘Because of this disconnect, I began to question myself’

At aged 19, the educational psychologist concluded that I had mild dyspraxia and I was not actually surprised. Receiving this diagnosis was a relief. Afterwards, it slowly began to explain the difficulties I had faced up to that point. I always enjoyed learning; in primary school I was always eagerly raising my hand to answer the teacher’s question and was often told I was bright. However, I was then placed in the bottom learning groups and this slowly began to affect my academic confidence. Because of this disconnect, I began to question myself because, after all, the main way we measure academic ability is through formal written work and exams. My undiagnosed dyspraxia made it harder for me to process information and articulate myself. In secondary school, I struggled with revision, keeping focus and exams. I managed to persevere and, after lots of effort and frustration, I achieved good results, but it was a damaging process.

‘Knowing I have this condition is possibly the biggest help, as it provides an explanation’

Knowing I have this condition is possibly the biggest help, as it provides an explanation. It is hugely reassuring to know that it is not a reflection of my intelligence or abilities. I found it empowering to research as much as I could, starting simply with the Wikipedia entry for dyspraxia, and expanding to medical websites and the Dyspraxia Foundation. Joining the Dyspraxia Foundation’s Youth Facebook group, a closed page for 13-25 years with dyspraxia, was also helpful. This group introduced me to a community of people with similar experiences and struggles and helped me to realise that I was far from alone. I found it helpful finding tips and strategies to help with dyspraxia online and looking up celebrities with the condition, such as Florence Welch and Cara Delevingne, was reassuring, as it shows that having dyspraxia does not have to hold you back.

By Liv Billington Illustration and Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

JOURNEY

Living with a Long-Term Health Condition: Life with Ulcerative Colitis Rian shares with us the reality of living with ulcerative colitis (an invisible disease), the impact that living with such condition has had on his mental health as a student, and how he channels positivity in dark and challenging times.

I will whisper that some harsh physical symptoms include diarrhea with blood, weight loss, lack of appetite, nausea, and fatigue, sometimes all at once. These are not easy things to describe to someone, especially to new relationships that one might develop, personal and professional. I have struggled with getting to grips with the how and when of this, particularly in the beginning.

I have never written about my health, neither physical nor mental. Largely, in everyday life, I look fine and healthy, however looks can sometimes be deceiving. This is particularly true for those, like me, in the Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) community. I have ulcerative colitis, one of two major forms of IBD, the other being Crohn’s Disease. As many as 300,000 people in the UK suffer from some form of mild to severe IBD, and a large majority of people I have known do not know what these physical diseases are or entail.

I did not approach disability support services at the university in my first semester, but I should have done. IBD is a disease, and in law, a disability; though I am not a fan of this description, I understand why it is important and needs to be upheld. It is also one that occurs with periods of relapse and remission, meaning that there are periods of good health and much poorer health.

This article is not extensive in describing my experiences with colitis, which I was diagnosed with at 17 years old, as I still have many more years to live with this lifelong, incurable disease and much more to learn about myself with it.

As I write this, it is Crohn’s and Colitis Awareness Week, the first time I have found out about such. IBD predominantly causes inflammation of the bowels, which impacts the relationship one has with the toilet.

‘So far, I have learnt that openness is integral’

So far, I have learnt that openness is integral. Whilst it is difficult to talk about, an opportunity to confide in others often arises naturally. Generally, I have found people to be quite compassionate, so it is wrong to not give them the opportunity to understand. However, because this condition is invisible, it can be difficult for others to comprehend my experiences, particularly if they see me on a happy and healthy day.

‘Generally, I have found people to be quite compassionate, so it is wrong to not give them an opportunity to understand’

This year has been particularly tough, owing to the pandemic. Physically, I have been relatively well throughout the year. Although, this has not stopped the occasional weight loss, fatigue, and joint pain, which still (frustratingly) affect me. Sometimes, it is enough to wipe me out completely and, as a young person, this can be hard to accept. It has been hard to accept that I fall into the ‘clinically extremely vulnerable’ (CEV) category for COVID-19. Feelings of anxiety about what my health will be like when I am older, or whether I am heading for a major relapse, can ensue. Anxieties like these make things more difficult, and sometimes it requires someone’s willingness to talk to you about it, and the courage to grab that by both hands, that sometimes can be lacking. People who have good intentions will never say the wrong things, because they always mean well.

21 ‘Having ulcerative colitis has given me time for deep thought, and strong moments of care and empathy for others’

I am grateful for studying at university and while, at times, I find it challenging due to colitis, I pull through. I used to feel guilty about taking more rest than the next person, though it is important to know that I must give myself more attention. Having colitis makes me feel even more thrilled with my achievements. Having ulcerative colitis has given me time for deep thought, and strong moments of care and empathy for others.

It is common for people to be diagnosed with IBD under 30 years old, it has no established cause, and is a form of autoimmune disease, thought to be caused by genetic and environmental factors. At the very beginning of my diagnosis, I was hugely disappointed and ashamed that something so debilitating could happen to me for no obvious reason, and being out of my control. It is sometimes disappointing to realise I am taking daily medications. Eventually though, I found that it is key to accept the good days, recount the happier days experienced, and know that I will enjoy them again in the future, no matter how hard it may be in any temporary

To console myself in the past, I kept saying that it could be worse. However, this line of thinking I later found to be unhealthy, and so to spin it in a positive way, I found it beneficial to ‘practice gratitude’. This has been a bright way for channelling positivity in a dark year. I am forever grateful to my family and wider support that I have, and grateful that I can enjoy remission because medication has, thus far, worked for me. While others may go on to have surgeries, tougher therapies, and adjustments in their life (that I may one day have to experience), those in the IBD community are so often inspiring in how they face hardships.

By Rian Patel Page Design and Illustration by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

JOURNEY

Living with a Long-Term Health Condition: Life with Ulcerative Colitis Rian shares with us the reality of living with ulcerative colitis (an invisible disease), the impact that living with such condition has had on her mental health as a student, and how she channels positivity in dark and challenging times.

‘So far, I have learnt that openness is integral’

‘Generally, I have found people to be quite compassionate, so it is wrong to not give them an opportunity to understand’

21 ‘Having ulcerative colitis has given me time for deep thought, and strong moments of care and empathy for others’

By Rian Patel Page Design and Illustration by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

I Blamed Myself: Living Through Domestic Abuse Córa-Laine writes a moving account of living through, not only the horrors of domestic abuse, but the self-blame and constant fear that followed. She recounts how therapy has helped her come to terms with those feelings. TW: Domestic abuse, violence.

‘I did not know why we were running’

At five years old, my mum hastily grabbed my siblings and I out of bed, rushing us out into the cold night to a bus stop. We had no time to change out of our pyjamas; I had to run in my slippers. We even left our dog behind. I sat at that bus stop with my family all night, waiting for a taxi that never arrived. I did not know why we were running. It wasn’t until years later that I had realised we had left our home to escape our abuser.

By Córa-Laine Moynihan Page Design by Chiara Crompton

JOURNEY At eight years old, my hand gripped the door handle like it was melded into the metal. My muscles dared not move and my breathing hastened. I was anchored to the ground in fear of the man shouting at myself and my Dad, who was on my left. My Dad, although not biologically related to me, took the brunt of the abuse to protect me. He could not shut the door since I was holding it open. At ten years old, I was cycling home from school, missing out on cheerleading practice. We came into our street, peddling as quickly as possible, my short legs pushing as much as they could. Suddenly, my Dad appeared, pushing me onto the path as a car slammed into his bike, a hair from where I had just been. He told me to go home and hide. My mum took my sister and I into the bathroom with her as a woman battered our front door, threatening to cripple her.

‘I stood completely still, my muscles locking in place’ At fifteen, I stood in my kitchen making toast. A man was shouting abuse at me from the other side of our front door. He thought I was my sister. I stood completely still, my muscles locking in place.

‘There’s a reason why my heart lurches when the lights go out’ I experienced domestic abuse in its lesser acknowledged forms; through verbal abuse, emotional abuse and psychological torment. Unfortunately, the rest of my family experienced it in full. As the youngest of all of my siblings, I was the one they always chose to protect first. They never thought to save themselves. I don’t remember everything that happened back then. There are many parts I’m glad I can’t recollect. For much of it, I was too young to understand. All I really know now is that there’s a reason why my head pounds when the door bangs or when a loud noise occurs. There’s a reason why my heart lurches when the lights go out. I did not feel that I could speak up about my pain or the trauma I experienced growing up. I blamed myself; guilt and distress gnawed at my mind as I tried to come to terms with what had happened. Going to school every day and hiding all the abuse and distress drained me. Putting on a toothy smile and saying “I’m okay” tore me up, but it meant that I didn’t upset anyone else. I was the definition of a people pleaser. I didn’t want to anger or upset others. As soon as I got home, I’d collapse and cry.

I was a textbook smart kid, throwing myself into my studies, acing all my tests and constantly wanting to learn more. School was my salvation and I saw it as the only way out of the chaos back home. To say I was unstable is an understatement. I didn’t know where I fit; I was afraid of everything, but I pretended I wasn’t. I’d do every club and every activity I could—even if I didn’t like it—if it meant I had an extra hour’s escape. I blamed myself for anything. I put pressure on myself for everything. I couldn’t cope with what was happening and I hated myself for it. It was not until I received counselling that I realised I was not at fault for my abuse and that I had a bigger heart than I gave myself credit for. It made me realise how much my family and friends cared for me, so much so that they had put themselves in danger to keep me safe. After being the fly on the wall in many abusive situations, I didn’t know how to be kind to myself or how to accept love. Violence and fear were all I really knew. Thankfully, the support I received has helped me to stand tall.

‘I am not to blame for the actions of other people’ It showed me that I am not to blame for the actions of other people and has encouraged me to appreciate my own quirks. My counsellor put a spotlight on how many people I had there, ready to shower me with care. Don’t get me wrong, I still struggle. Abuse, unfortunately, has lasting effects that can’t be nudged quickly. I still jump at loud noises and will pull away when I think people are getting too close. My family struggles everyday with the repercussions, and I had to grow up quickly to provide care for my mum. I was given a bad start in life, but I never let that stop me from seeking a better one. I don’t believe I will ever be able to forget the torture my family and I have been through, but I will not let it control my life and my future. Support Services: In the last year, 2.3 million people experienced domestic abuse, with another c.1.3 million domestic-abuse related incidents and crimes reported, according to the Crime Survey for England and Wales (March 2020). If you need support, are suffering from abuse, and/or from poor mental health please speak to a trusted adult, that can be family, friends, teachers, or your doctor. You can also contact the below services for support: Galop: 0800 999 5428 Mind NSPCC: 0808 800 5000 Refuge: 08082000247 Safeline: Young Person Helpline: 0808 800 5007 Men’s Helpline: 0808 800 5005 Samaritans: 116 123 SHOUT: Text Shout to 85258 Women’s Aid

IMPACT

My Scoliosis Story Gemma Cockrell discusses her experience with scoliosis, after being diagnosed and undergoing a major surgery at just 14 years old. She discusses the anxieties that accompanied this big moment in her life and the positives that she gained from going through it.

Scoliosis is a condition which causes the spine to curve laterally in an S-shape or a C-shape. It is most commonly identified during late childhood or early teenage years, due to the rapid rates of growth that occur at this time. My scoliosis first became noticeable at the age of 13. I was uninformed of the condition’s existence, but I had started to notice that my hips were slightly asymmetrical, with one protruding outward more than the other. Because I was experiencing puberty, with expectations that my body would be changing and developing, I merely assumed that one of my hips was widening more quickly than the other, entirely oblivious to the genuine cause. This ignorance continued until I went on holiday. When wearing a bikini, I noticed that the unevenness was worsening. Googling symptoms is always dangerous territory, but I quickly found websites detailing the symptoms of scoliosis, of which I ticked all of the boxes. It was over a week until I was due to travel home, so arranging a doctor’s appointment would have to wait. Worry, therefore, overcast the holiday like a raincloud for the remaining days, with my dad considerably more stressed about the unfolding situation than my mum and I, who were adamantly determined to remain optimistic until I received an official diagnosis.

‘I was eligible for spinal fusion surgery, which involves the spine being straightened using metal rods and screws’

‘The physical characteristics that come handin-hand with scoliosis resulted in feeling as if my body deviated from society’s definition of ‘normal’

Unsurprisingly, the QMC Hospital in Nottingham confirmed that I did have scoliosis, with a C-shaped curve of 40 degrees. This meant I was eligible for spinal fusion surgery, which involves the spine being straightened using metal rods and screws. After attempting to resolve my discomfort with physiotherapy sessions and considering other options such as exercise correction courses, I decided to have the operation, and was added to the waiting list. At the time, it was August, and my operation was scheduled for the following June, by which time I would be 14 years old. Whilst waiting for surgery day to arrive, my most prominent struggle was body confidence. Being conscious of my scoliosis resulted in hyper awareness of my appearance. Teenagers are renowned for low body image, and the physical characteristics that come hand-in-hand with scoliosis resulted in feeling as if my body deviated from society’s definition of ‘normal’. I shied away from wearing any tight-fitting clothing, instead opting for outfits which hid my scoliosis.

JOURNEY

Fast-forward to June 17th 2015, a regular day on which my friends were attending school, I was heading to the QMC. In retrospect, the day of the operation was a blur. I don’t remember an awful lot, but that was a result of not allowing myself to overthink the serious nature and potential risks of the procedure I was undergoing. I blocked out any worries, negativity or stress, in favour of a practical mindset. Following the operation, I remained in hospital for a week. In order to get discharged, the requirement was that I mastered the art of walking up the stairs unassisted, a task which proved to be incredibly difficult; although my legs hadn’t changed, I had to adjust to my new posture and regain balance. My determination was driven by my intense desire to return to my childhood bedroom, to complete the recovery process in a familiar and comforting environment. The recovery period gave me the opportunity and the time to reflect and process everything that I had been through in the past year. The overwhelming build-up of thoughts that I had been avoiding, as I realised the immenseness of my experience, became a source of anxiety in the following months. My anxiety was at its most severe when it came to seeing friends during the summer, for the first time after the surgery. I felt that their attention would be wholly focused on me, with fascination, to observe my recovery progress. I felt an immense pressure to appear as if I was coping well, and as though I was closer to being back to normal, than I really was. This resulted in intense panic attacks, usually occurring within the hours before I intended to leave the house.

‘I felt an immense pressure to appear as if I was coping well’

Because of the immense changes my body had endured, it was initially difficult to eat substantial meals within the first few weeks following the operation, and when I did manage to eat, it triggered feelings of sickness. These difficulties continued throughout the subsequent months and led to me convincing myself that, similarly to the first few weeks following the surgery, eating would cause me to feel unwell. I therefore struggled to eat full portions of food at mealtimes. Returning to school in September was a turning point in my recovery. The regularity of the school timetable provided me with a set routine to follow. I had purpose and plenty to fill my time with. Being forced to encounter large groups of people at once was something that I initially worried would trigger my anxiety. Instead, it helped me get accustomed to being around people again. It also encouraged me to eat substantial meals at lunchtime, in order to avoid worrying my friends about my wellbeing, therefore proving to myself that eating would no longer cause feelings of sickness.

‘Undergoing a major surgery at only 14 years of age was the most difficult experience of my lifetime; it was also the best decision that I have ever made’

It has been over five years since my operation, and I can reflect on these difficult times with the knowledge that they were worth enduring. I am now more confident in my body than ever – my hips are perfectly in line, the only visible proof being the seven-inch scar on my back. I no longer feel anxious around people, and I no longer struggle with eating issues either. Undergoing a major surgery at only 14 years of age was the most difficult experience of my life; it was also the best decision that I have ever made.

By Gemma Cockrell Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

Living with Complex Childhood Trauma: “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” An anonymous contributor shares their history with mental health, demonstrating how mental health conditions are not isolated illnesses, but are connected and complex. TW: Suicide, Sexual Abuse, Childhood abuse, PTSD, Bulimia, Schizophrenia.

JOURNEY Frederick Douglass once said, “it is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” As one of those ‘broken men’, I totally agree and have found that mental health conditions do not exist in a bubble but, instead, overlap and interact. By the time I reached adulthood, I was a complex mess of mental conditions, eating disorders and medication. Hopefully, this article will show just how these conditions are not isolated illnesses, but are often interconnected, and how childhood trauma leaves lasting effects. By the age of ten, I was already having nightmares and struggling with social interaction. However, I had become adept at lying to doctors and teachers about why I was so tired, how I got those marks and why I winced when I sat down. Having said that, I was supported in these lies by my father and the headteacher who, by now, were regularly sharing me sexually. Home was a place of fear, punctuated by family arguments, broken plates and walking on eggshells so as not to draw out the anger of my parents. It was going to bed wondering if I would hear the door creak open later that night.

‘The boys at secondary school were no kinder and my size became an easy source of fun for many of them’

By the time I reached secondary school, a single sex school which will mark some of the worst years of my life, I was quite chubby. My father wanted a sporty son, so would humiliate me over food and my weight, often restricting my eating which, by now, had become a comfort act. The boys at secondary school were no kinder, and my size became an easy source of fun for many of them. This is why I was so eager to please an older pupil when he said he could help me. I followed him to meet a group of his friends who, he promised, would make sure I was taken care of. But, instead of allies, I found abusers. The horror here was that, beneath the fear and sadness, there was a comforting normality to what was happening and so, eventually, I did as I was told. This went on regularly for three years and if I ever resisted, I would be beaten. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed by the school counselor, but nothing ever came of it. Eventually, my father left, and I would drop out of school and college, falling into adulthood with no direction, no education, and a series of poor coping mechanisms.

‘It has impacted my behaviour for most of my life: not going out, for fear of having flashbacks, or seeing the people who abused me’

‘Ice cream, cookies, cereal, cakes— it was all purchased and eaten in one sitting and then swiftly regurgitated as a wave of guilt hit me’

Within that sad history, we can see the birth of the disorders and conditions that would, for a time, rule my life, and that which I still work hard to deal with today. Primarily, I live with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It has impacted my behaviour for most of my life: not going out, for fear of having flashbacks, or seeing the people who abused me, which (though nearly impossible) is a constant terror in my mind. I then realised I was seeing ‘him’, a creature made up of my father and headteacher, but made much more nightmarish, and imagining him scratching at my window. The trauma had manifested as a very low-level schizophrenia, which has to be managed with antipsychotics. Physically locked into a body I hated, I stopped eating, going days without food, until I would break down and binge on all the ‘worst’ foods I could get my hands on. Ice cream, cookies, cereal, cakes—it was all purchased and eaten in one sitting and then swiftly regurgitated as a wave of guilt hit me. The feeling of being ‘empty’ afterwards would feel so good it became addictive.

‘Please remember that we never know what battles people are fighting, or what history they carry with them. So, be kind’

I would eventually be diagnosed with bulimia nervosa and undergo 6 months of eating disorder recovery sessions. Inevitably, being aware that I was suffering from a severe depression and unable to see any way out, I would make the decision to end my life. It would be the first of three attempts I would make before I was admitted to a psychiatric ward. Suffice to say, I failed in the attempt and I am glad of this, but only because I was able to access mental health support. With that support, and despite some relapses, I have reached a place where I am doing better than I ever thought possible. Yes, it is hard work and requires a lot of medication. Some days are truly horrid, but it is manageable. I want to assert that these conditions do not ‘just happen’, and that having one does not mean that you cannot have another. They are just as complex as a physical illness and, often, the cause is so much deeper than the simple ‘I’m having a bad week’. Please remember that we never know what battles people are fighting or what history they carry with them. So, be kind. Be willing to listen. And, together, we can overcome the past and look to the future.

By Anonymous Page Design and illustration by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

Three Lessons (That I am Still Learning) In a profoundly heartfelt and emotional account, a student exposes the long-lasting effects of sexual trauma. They share three vital lessons which act as a reminder to any sufferers of sexual abuse. TW: sexual trauma I am stumbling down the streets of my hometown on the way to the club, and a man hangs out of his van shouting as he stares at me and my friend. We drunkenly cling on to each other, laughing, and give him a sloppy middle finger. I cannot hear exactly what he says over the roar of the traffic, but it does not matter. I can see him staring at our chests, at our skirts, and I can tell exactly what he wants. I know why he did it. I am older, and I understand. When I get home the next morning, I catch sight of an old photo of myself hanging on the wall: ‘too-big-hair’ and ‘too-big-uniform’, grinning awkwardly with a tooth gap. “Would she understand?”, I wonder. I wonder if she could recognise things for what they were, in the way my friend and I could on the side of the road. I wonder if she would misinterpret them instead. I wonder what her account would be of what happened. I wonder if, now that I am older and aware of men and their vans, it is me that is misinterpreting things.

‘The words that have stuck in my throat for years suddenly threatening to tumble out’

Lesson One: it doesn’t matter how old you were I am standing in front of the sink, laughingly complaining about all my coursework deadlines, and my housemate pats me on the back to reassure me. I do not know how to explain why I flinch away as though their hand was as hot as the water I’m boiling for tea. They apologise, worried they have hurt me somehow. There is concern in their eyes. For a wild moment, I consider explaining myself, the words that have stuck in my throat for years suddenly threatening to come tumbling out, one on top of the other. But then the kettle boils and I look over at the pasta sauce on the hob and our broken kitchen tiles, and suddenly it all seems vaguely ridiculous. I am too exposed under the fluorescent lighting. So, I grin and say I’m still jumpy after watching a horror movie last night, and they laugh and go stir their pasta. I add this latest lie and the flicker of worry in my housemate’s eyes to the mounting pile of evidence for the case I am building against myself. Somehow, I am convinced I am at fault. The burden of guilt that I am forcing myself to carry may well be heavier than that of the memory. It is hard to defend yourself when your own mind is judge, jury and executioner.

‘Sometimes you do not do things. Sometimes things are done to you’ Lesson Two: it’s not your fault I have been dating my boyfriend for three months. We are lying on my bed, talking about nothing. We haven’t gone any further than kissing. “Have you ever done anything more than...well, y’know...what we’ve done? With anyone?” he asks me out of the blue, awkward but earnest. “No.” I reply. “Never.” It is a lie. But it is also the truth. Sometimes you do not do things. Sometimes things are done to you. My eyes flicker away from his. My hands clench and unclench. I don’t realise my nails are digging in as much as they are until I spot the little half-moon indents in my palms. I do not elaborate further, but somehow, he knows there is something I’m not saying. For a moment, I fear that he will ask me what the something is. The moment passes. We are quiet. I breathe in and out.

Lesson Three: you don’t have to tell anybody until you’re ready

By Anonymous Page Design by Chiara Crompton

SUPPORT

Survey of Students’

Mental Health At UoN

1. How would you rate your mental health this past year?

2. What impact has the COVID-19 pandemic had on your mental health?

8. Do you have a diagnosed mental health condition?

7. Do you think the University of Nottingham is doing enough to support student mental health during the pandemic?

Mental Health Survey - 230 Respondents (100 on So Go Survey, 130 on Google Forms)

Yes, definitely enough Mostly enough, a few improvements left to make

3. Do you know where to go to seek help for mental health within the University if you needed it?

62%

Not sure

50%

Not enough, but some improvements have been made No, nowhere near enough

46%

56%

57%

Very Good

Mostly Bad

Mostly Good

Very Bad

Average

Highly Positive Impact

Moderately Negative Impact

Moderately Positive Impact

Highly Negative Impact

Yes

9. If you answered yes to the previous question and feel comfortable to do so, please specify the mental health condition(s) you’ve been diagnosed with and the treatment you have sought for it/ them already?

Yes

SEVERE PHOBIAS

OCD STRESS

ANXIETY

No Opinion

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

EATING DISORDER SEVERE GAD

SOCIAL ANXIETY

DEPRESSION

SEVERE DEPRESSION

PANIC DISORDER

ANOREXIA

ADHD

GAD

PTSD

AUTISM

No Real Impact

4.If you answered yes to the previous question, please provide a comment on where you would go to seek mental health support at the University of Nottingham.

Personal/ Course Tutors:

GP/ Cripps Health Centre:

Counselling Service:

Welfare Services/ Teams:

Students Union:

5. Have you used any of the following mental health services?

Very Unhelpful

Cripps Mental Health Services Mental Health Advisory Services

Very Unhopeful

67%

Nightline Student Minds

Somewhat Unhelpful Neither Helpful nor Unhelpful

Very Helpful

Somewhat Unhopeful Neither Hopeful nor Unhopeful

Togetherall Positive Minds

44%

Chaplaincy Support & Wellbeing Officers

Very Good

Community Team (NHS)

Mostly Good

Eating Disorder Services (Ediss) 15

Cripps Mental Health Services

33%

45% 55%

Togetherall

Support & Wellbeing Officers

Mostly Bad

Very Hopeful

Very Bad

12. Space below for any final comments about student mental health in general or student mental health at the University of Nottingham.

‘I don’t think the university comprehends the mental effects of the pandemic on our grades; they only acknowledge physical health issues. Almost everybody I have spoken to is struggling at the moment and has said it has effected their ability to produce good work.’

56%

Positive Minds Chaplaincy

Average

Somewhat Hopeful

37%

Mental Health Advisory Services

Student Minds

35%

UoN Counselling Services

Nightline Somewhat Helpful

11. To what extent are you hopeful that things will improve in 2021 from this last year? Please select one of the options below.

UoN Counselling Services

6. If you have used any of the above University of Nottingham’s mental health services, please rate how helpful you found the relevant service(s) using the columns below.

10. To what extent do you feel that taboos around mental health are improving? Please select one of the options below.

75%

‘Student mental health is something that should be talked about much more than it is’

42% 45%

‘It is near impossible to get a counselling appointment, and even when you can, it’s weeks away’

Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

Survey of Students’

Mental Health At UoN

1. How would you rate your mental health this past year?

2. What impact has the COVID-19 pandemic had on your mental health?

8. Do you have a diagnosed mental health condition?

7. Do you think the University of Nottingham is doing enough to support student mental health during the pandemic?

Mental Health Survey - 230 Respondents (100 on So Go Survey, 130 on Google Forms)

Yes, definitely enough Mostly enough, a few improvements left to make

3. Do you know where to go to seek help for mental health within the University if you needed it?

62%

Not sure

50%

Not enough, but some improvements have been made No, nowhere near enough

46%

56%

57%

Very Good

Mostly Bad

Mostly Good

Very Bad

Average

Highly Positive Impact

Moderately Negative Impact

Moderately Positive Impact

Highly Negative Impact

Yes

SEVERE PHOBIAS

OCD STRESS

ANXIETY

No Opinion

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER

EATING DISORDER SEVERE GAD

SOCIAL ANXIETY

DEPRESSION

SEVERE DEPRESSION

PANIC DISORDER

ANOREXIA

ADHD

GAD

PTSD

AUTISM

No Real Impact

4.If you answered yes to the previous question, please provide a comment on where you would go to seek mental health support at the University of Nottingham.

Personal/ Course Tutors:

GP/ Cripps Health Centre:

Counselling Service:

Welfare Services/ Teams:

Students Union:

5. Have you used any of the following mental health services?

Very Unhelpful

Cripps Mental Health Services Mental Health Advisory Services

Very Unhopeful

67%

Nightline Student Minds

Somewhat Unhelpful Neither Helpful nor Unhelpful

Very Helpful

Somewhat Unhopeful Neither Hopeful nor Unhopeful

Togetherall Positive Minds

44%

Chaplaincy Support & Wellbeing Officers

Very Good

Community Team (NHS)

Mostly Good

Eating Disorder Services (Ediss) 15

Cripps Mental Health Services

33%

45% 55%

Togetherall

Support & Wellbeing Officers

Mostly Bad

Very Hopeful

Very Bad

12. Space below for any final comments about student mental health in general or student mental health at the University of Nottingham.

56%

Positive Minds Chaplaincy

Average

Somewhat Hopeful

37%

Mental Health Advisory Services

Student Minds

35%

UoN Counselling Services

Nightline Somewhat Helpful

11. To what extent are you hopeful that things will improve in 2021 from this last year? Please select one of the options below.

UoN Counselling Services

6. If you have used any of the above University of Nottingham’s mental health services, please rate how helpful you found the relevant service(s) using the columns below.

10. To what extent do you feel that taboos around mental health are improving? Please select one of the options below.

75%

‘Student mental health is something that should be talked about much more than it is’

42% 45%

‘It is near impossible to get a counselling appointment, and even when you can, it’s weeks away’

Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

Types of Therapy on Offer Gemma discusses a range of different therapies that are available through the NHS, giving detailed insight into each one. The options include a range of talking therapies, but also more experimental strategies such as therapy involving art and dance.

Talking Therapies There are multiple types of talking therapies which involve working with a trained therapist. For some mental health problems, different types of talking therapy may work more effectively than others, and different therapies suit different people, so it is worth taking time to research the options available. All of the talking therapies mentioned in this article are available on the NHS, either through a GP or by direct referral.

Guided Self-Help Self-help therapies are a useful way to trial a therapy to see if it is suitable for you. They are also beneficial if you are short of time, have family or work commitments, can’t get out easily, or you want to remain anonymous. Guided self-help is a self-help therapy recommended for treating depression, anxiety and panic disorder. You will be assisted by a therapist whilst you work through a CBT-based workbook or a computer course, via face-to-face sessions and phone call appointments.

Counselling The use of counselling can be traced all the way back to the work of Sigmund Freud in the 1880s. It may help those struggling with issues such as a long-term condition, chronic pain, addiction, low self-esteem, bereavement, a relationship breakdown, work-related stress, or infertility. Courses typically last for between 6-12 sessions.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) CBT aims to help you explore your thought processes, preventing unhelpful patterns of behaviour and correcting faulty thinking. The therapist helps you to set yourself goals, and will give you tasks to carry out between sessions. It is based on the interactions between cognitions, emotions and behaviour: how we think, how we feel, and how we act. It aims to deal with overwhelming problems by breaking them down into smaller, manageable parts and tackling them gradually. The focus is on improving how you feel currently, rather than changing the past. CBT teaches useful, practical strategies that can be used in daily life and sustained after treatment is over. However, it is a therapy that requires a high level of cooperation and engagement to be effective, so it’s essential to commit yourself to the process. It has enduring positive effects and reduces the subsequent risk of relapse. A CBT course usually lasts for 12-20 sessions, with each one between 30-60 minutes. It is most commonly used to treat anxiety and depression but has also been shown to work effectively for phobias, OCD, PTSD, bipolar disorder, panic disorder, schizophrenia, and bulimia. The NHS disclose that it may not be effective for those with complex mental health needs, learning difficulties, or those with mental health problems with underlying roots from the past. If you are unsure whether CBT is right for you, there are many self-help books, mental health apps, or CBT computer courses which may help you to decide.

It can also be used to treat depression, anxiety and eating disorders. Counselling for depression has been specially developed in order to help people understand the underlying causes. It is appropriate for those with mild-moderate depression, but it is recommended that you try other therapies first. During a session, you will be encouraged to talk about how you are feeling, whilst a therapist listens without judgement. This encourages you to find solutions to your own problems, without being told what to do. These sessions can be face-to-face, in a group, over the phone, by email, or online through live chat services.

SUPPORT

Alternative Therapies Arts and Creative Therapies Arts and Creative therapies, including dance movement therapy, dramatherapy, music therapy, and visual art therapy, aim to help you communicate and express yourself, without putting your feelings into words. The NHS only offers these in some parts of the country, so you will need to check with your GP. They can take place in one-to-one sessions, or as part of a group and are offered in a range of settings. Research suggests that they may help mental health problems, but it’s difficult to be sure of these results because studies include small samples, so further research needs to be conducted.

Behavioural Activation Behavioural activation stems from behaviourist models of psychology that view depression as a lack of positive reinforcement, defined as rewards for exhibited behaviour. It aims to help people take simple, practical steps towards recovery through regular meetings or phone calls with a therapist. The aim is to provide motivation to make small, positive changes, whilst simultaneously learning problem-solving skills. Courses usually last around 16-20 sessions.

Interpersonal Therapy (IPT) IPT helps people with depression to identify and address problems which exist within their relationships. The concept is that poor relationships can be the underlying cause of depression, and depression itself can cause relationships to worsen. This can be linked to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, which states that ‘belonging and love’ are essential to reaching the higher levels of ‘self-esteem’ and ultimately ‘self-actualisation’. IPT is offered to those with severe depression, or those who haven’t responded well to other therapies. Courses last 16-20 sessions.

Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) EMDR was developed by Francine Shapiro in the 1980s to help those suffering from PTSD, who experience intrusive thoughts, memories, nightmares and flashbacks. The therapy, which runs for 8-12 sessions aims to help the brain reprocess these traumatic events in order to enable you to let go of them. The NHS warns that it can be a distressing process.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT) Mindfulness-Based Therapies help you to focus on thoughts and feelings as they happen, moment by moment. They have been effective in treating depression and addiction. They encourage you to pay attention to the present, increasing awareness of the world around you; a modern twist on traditional Gestalt Therapy from the 1950s. In particular, MBCT combines these mindfulness techniques, including meditation and breathing exercises, with elements of cognitive therapy.

By Gemma Cockrell Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

SUPPORT

Living with COVID-19; Anxieties and Loneliness Isabelle writes an honest account of her experience dealing with anxiety and loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic, discussing how she coped and stayed connected. She reflects on how the university experience has changed, but how it is important to remain hopeful.

This year has been difficult for all of us. From anxiety about what’s going to happen in the future, to looking after yourself and your family, 2020 has had it in for us. It can be difficult to remember that you’re not alone in all of this, but the countless Zoom calls, quizzes, and online activities have reminded me that we are all in it together. I’d like to reflect on my experience with anxiety and COVID-19 loneliness, and write about what I did to cope, to show that you too are NOT alone— there’s always a way out.

As someone with underlying health issues, I started isolating immediately, once COVID-19 arrived in the UK. I ended up leaving university in my first year earlier than anyone else and, while my friends were going to the shops and out on their daily walks, I was in bed by myself for weeks on end. Being an only child with parents who worked a lot, my mental health dropped immensely, and I was feeling lower every day.

After a few weeks, I managed to pick myself up and find ways to cope with this. I’m very lucky to live in the countryside, so I made good use of my bike, and even completed the Couch to 5K running app.

‘After a few weeks, I managed to pick myself up and find ways to cope’ The internet was a great coping mechanism. TikTok was a fun and exciting place to make short videos, and seeing everyone else go through the same problems reassured me that I wasn’t alone in this. Also, reading and keeping a reading journal helped me to escape for a few hours and live in a completely different world with all my favourite characters. Finally, of course, the endless Zoom calls with friends and family kept me going through everything.

If anything, lockdown had its upsides. Not only did I manage to complete projects that I never would have been able to do without that ‘pause’ in time, but also, signing myself up for online groups and discussions really opened my mind to a world of possibilities. I researched and planned trips for when quarantine is over, and used money I had saved by not going to the pub on items I’d only dreamed of buying.

But, even though looking back I feel this lockdown wasn’t all bad, it didn’t seem like it at the time.

There were moments where I felt like I had to use this time productively. A small pressure was looming over me that this was the ONLY time in my life where I would be able to do all these things, so why hadn’t I done more? It took awhile for me to realise that it was okay to have days where I didn’t get out of bed, or just stayed in my pyjamas. It was okay to spend all day on TikTok and not complete my ambitious goal of five books in a week. It was okay to not feel okay.

‘It was okay to spend all day on TikTok and not complete my ambitious goal of five books in a week. It was okay to not feel okay’

Going back to university in September was scary. I felt like I was stepping into the unknown with no guidance or adult support, and I was expected to shine a torch to guide myself the whole way. I felt like, as students, we were being forced to go out and made to feel guilty for not spending money in newly opened pubs and bars. But then, we were instantly blamed for the sudden spike in cases, even though the majority of students hadn’t moved yet! This took a toll on my mental health, not knowing how to act without doing something deemed ‘wrong’.

‘We were instantly blamed for the sudden spike in cases, even though the majority of students hadn’t moved yet!’

University itself was different. Very different. I only had two seminars on campus which involved wiping down my desk, wearing a mask, and sitting two metres apart from anyone— university life was unrecognisable from last year. This was another hurdle we all had to deal with and get used to.

Thankfully, my housemates were wonderful; we all do the same course, so I knew we were in the same boat. We laughed about the absurdity of the time together and kept ourselves busy with themed dinner nights, games, and TV shows. I couldn’t have done it without them, and they helped me with my mental health throughout this time, especially as we couldn’t see our parents.

‘As students, we are the most powerful generation, and we can get through anything together’

To you reading this: whether you feel frustrated, angry, a little bit worried, or relatively okay about this situation, I want to tell you that you are not alone. As students, we are the most powerful generation, and we can get through anything together. Hug your family or housemates a little tighter, remember that this will not last forever, and enjoy the peaceful moments. We’ve got this.

By Isabelle Hunter Illustration and Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

SUPPORT

Living with COVID-19 Anxieties and Loneliness Isabelle writes an honest account of her experience dealing with anxiety and loneliness during the COVID-19 pandemic, discussing how she coped and stayed connected. She reflects on how the university experience has changed, but how it is important to remain hopeful.

But, even though looking back I feel this lockdown wasn’t all bad, it didn’t seem like it at the time.

‘It was okay to spend all day on TikTok and not complete my ambitious goal of five books in a week. It was okay to not feel okay’

‘We were instantly blamed for the sudden spike in cases, even though the majority of students hadn’t moved yet!’

‘As students, we are the most powerful generation, and we can get through anything together’

By Isabelle Hunter Illustration and Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

SUPPORT

Is it normal not to be settled into university yet, even though it’s the second term?

DCC Clinical Interview: Anxiety An insight into DCC Clinical, followed by an interview with Dr Chaudry and Shirah Herman. The two professionals provide tips on how to manage anxiety in its differing forms, ways to support friends suffering from this condition and when to recognise whether to seek help.

DCC Clinical, headed by Professor Robert Bor, is a practice which offers a variety of psychological services tailor-made for clients’ individual needs. DCC is based in London but also provides virtual services. Therapists at DCC are trained in a broad range of therapeutic models including CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy), third wave approaches, psychodynamic therapy and EMDR (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing).

Dr Chaudry is a charted psychologist with over fifteen years working as a clinician, having completed her training at City University in London. Dr Chaudry’s work varies, with patients including adults, adolescents and couples.

Shirah Herman is an accredited counsellor and psychotherapist who completed her training at the Tavistock Clinic. Shirah specialises in trauma therapy and draws upon CBT, mindfulness and EMD. However, she also has an in-depth understanding of a range of mental health issues including anxiety, OCD, and depression.

Dr Chaudry: Starting university is a huge adjustment at the best of times. Adjustment to new environments can be anxietyprovoking and it takes time to settle in, understand what is expected of us and, of course, find our ‘tribe’. In addition to these factors, the pandemic has created an added layer of uncertainty and working online has proved a struggle for many young people. It is understandable why students may be struggling with anxiety, or feeling unsettled at university, given the pressures they are under this year.

Shirah Herman: It is normal for it to take longer than a term to settle into university, even though you may have expected otherwise. As you know from your other milestones, feelings of anxiety are normal and will most likely pass after a while. Don’t be too harsh on yourself; moving into a brand-new environment is challenging for everyone and it takes time to adapt, especially when moving away from home for the first time.

I think my friend is suffering with anxiety, how I do support them? Shirah Herman: In a friendship, there will be times when you take turns being the listener as you encounter different obstacles in life. By knowing your friend, you’ll be able to recognise if their anxiety lasts for an unusually lengthy period of time, worsens or changes. Remember, you are not a mental health professional and, sometimes, being a good friend is acknowledging when you are out of your depth.

‘By knowing your friend, you’ll be able to recognise if their anxiety lasts for an unusually lengthy period of time, worsens or changes’

Shirah Herman I have started feeling low levels of anxiety this year, mainly due to the stresses of lockdown. At what point do I seek help? ‘Having an effective support network can help us to manage the challenges we face’

‘As a young adult, you are entitled to your privacy and confidentiality’

Dr Chaudry: Lockdown has been a stressful time in so many ways. Humans are, essentially, a relational species and connecting with others is important for our wellbeing. If you are experiencing symptoms of anxiety that are not improving, getting worse or impeding your quality of life and ability to function, then reach out for help quickly. Psychological support can provide a space to make sense of overwhelming feelings and to develop strategies for better managing them.

‘By recognising these patterns and identifying triggers, you may begin to feel more in control’

Sometimes I feel a bit anxious, I’m not at the point where I need professional help but are there any tips for calming down when this happens? Dr Chaudry: Try to be aware of worries or ruminations which are drivers of anxiety. Becoming entangled in cycles of negative or worried thinking elevates anxiety. This may have a physiological impact and increase heart rate or breathing. Take some deep breaths, counting in to 4 and exhaling to 4, for a few minutes to regulate breathing. Distraction may also help. Try to focus on doing something soothing: listen to music, a podcast or practice some mindfulness, meditation or yoga. There are various guided meditation apps that can be helpful in re-focusing your attention away from worry and rumination. Head Space and Calm are popular choices.

Do I need to tell my parents I’m seeking help for anxiety? Dr Chaudry: As a young adult, you are entitled to your privacy and confidentiality and you are not obliged to disclose any psychological or medical support you are receiving to your parents from the age of sixteen. However, suffering on your own without a support system in place can also contribute to feelings of anxiety. The important thing is you do not struggle alone– professional counselling can help us to understand the triggers and drivers of our anxiety and having an effective support network can help us to manage the challenges we face.

Shirah Herman: It is perfectly normal to experience some anxiety from time to time, but there are definitely ways to manage these feelings, especially if you notice a pattern to them. By recognising these patterns and identifying triggers, you may begin to feel more in control. Lifestyle changes can also impact anxiety, for example avoiding drugs and alcohol as well as minimising time spent on social media. It is important to remember that, sometimes, avoiding situations can worsen the anxiety associated with them so, when you can, persevere with attending them and you will often find your anxiety decreases. And finally, make sure you are getting enough ‘you-time’: run a hot bath, get an early night and relax!

Shirah Herman: You are not obligated to share anything with your parents, but your parents may also accept more than you envisage. The thought of telling family feels huge for some people but the reality is that sharing your fears may result in more support. Sometimes anxiety leads to extreme or catastrophic thinking but, by speaking to others, you may feel relieved to learn that they too have experienced anxiety at times. Seeking professional help doesn’t have to be longterm and one or two sessions can help shift a problem faster than you may expect. There is no shame in dealing with your emotions privately but sharing with trusted family members can sometimes make things better.

For more information or to contact DCC Clinical, visit their website at www.DDCClinical.com By Rebecca Herman Dr Chaudry

Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

SUPPORT

Is it normal not to be settled into university yet, even though it’s the second term?

‘By knowing your friend, you’ll be able to recognise if their anxiety lasts for an unusually lengthy period of time, worsens or changes’

‘As a young adult, you are entitled to your privacy and confidentiality’

‘By recognising these patterns and identifying triggers, you may begin to feel more in control’

For more information or to contact DCC Clinical, visit their website at www.DDCClinical.com By Rebecca Herman Dr Chaudry

Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

UoN Mental Health Services Review Abi discusses her personal experience with using the Mental Health Services at the University of Nottingham and how they helped her with her own mental health struggles. TW: panic attacks and depression

The University of Nottingham’s most recent student survey found that 82% of the 5,376 respondents have struggled with their mental health, impacting their ability to study. With numbers at an all time high, and situations worsening amidst the pandemic, it is vital for universities to be providing adequate support to their students. Although many may not feel the same, I have been overwhelmed with the levels of support I have received since joining the university in 2018, particularly in comparison to having just left a grammar school where little care is given to anything other than the grades you achieve.

‘When the move to university came around, I wasn’t ready to face such a drastic change’ With the pastoral care at my secondary school renowned across Birmingham for being abysmal, I failed to seek any form of help during my time there. By the last summer before university, I had been managing my own faltering mental health for six years and was having one of the best summers of my life. When the move to university came around, I wasn’t ready to face such a drastic change. Between being the last child to move out and the thought of leaving my mum alone, the majority of my friends split across the country, and my newly formed relationship thrown into question, I quickly began feeling depressed again.

‘I returned back to my accommodation naively thinking I could once again manage things on my own’ This time, I couldn’t manage on my own. Within the first two months, I failed to attend anything more than a few lectures a week. By reading week, with deadlines looming, I started having panic attacks similar to those I experienced during my A-Level exams. I knew I needed to reach out, but with no idea where to start, I contacted the Liberal Arts team directly. Straight away they got back to me with advice, leading me to fill in a counselling consultation request form and contact the Faculty of Arts Student Welfare Manager, who booked me in for an appointment with a team member for the following week. After this meeting, I was booked onto an emergency doctor’s appointment at Cripps Health Center and a meeting with the Mental Health Advisory service on the same day. After speaking to all three, I felt a weight off my shoulders. Whilst I was advised to go on antidepressants, seek counselling and attend First Steps Eating Disorder support, also available at Cripps, I returned back to my accommodation naively thinking I could once again manage things on my own.

SUPPORT

Unsurprisingly, things did not improve, and over the course of the second term I started having regular appointments with my doctor at Cripps. After resisting for so long, by the end of the semester, I finally decided to go on antidepressants. Concurrently, I started a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy through the NHS, however I did not find this to be right for me at all. I did eventually go on to attend the counselling sessions provided by First Steps, and when these came to a close, I transferred onto counselling directly provided by the University, both of which took place on University Park campus.

‘When, at the beginning of 2020, my mental health completely collapsed, I was unable to sit my January exams’ By the end of first year, I looked into setting up a Support Plan with the University and was assigned a Support Officer to help me do so. In this, I have received a variety of aids to help me manage my learning, including being granted a two week extension for assignments, where possible, and a rest break in exams of 15 minutes every hour. When, at the beginning of 2020, my mental health completely collapsed, I was unable to sit my January exams, and was more than grateful to be allowed to sit them for the first time in the summer resit period instead. At the end of first year when I attended the Ningbo summer school with UoN, I was even able to meet up with other members of the Welfare team who happened to be in China, who helped to provide me extra support whilst I was over there. Over the summer, I also attended an assessment at Cherry Tree Lodge in order to determine what was available to me through the Disabled Students Allowance. Through this, I have been given a laptop, printer, software on my laptop and training for this, all to help assist my studies whilst coping with my illness. Despite knowing I had these aids in place, I found the start of second year overwhelming. Although going on antidepressants did initially help, it took another year before I was on both the right kind, and the right dose. Between the effects of having to change medication so often, and the jump from first to second year (and prospect of an even harder third year), I did not feel I could continue with my degree. After meeting with the Finance Team in order to understand what dropping out could mean in terms of paying for the semester I had already begun, I was informed there were other options. This included dropping down to part time study, and I am now completing my third year as a part time student on a full time course. Not only has this relieved a lot of pressure, easing my work-related anxiety, but it has also given me the chance to get back the year at university I feel I completely missed out on when just leaving my room took all the energy I could muster.

‘Without the team, these aids, and my friends and family, I don’t know if I would still be here’ I could not have done all of this without the help of the Liberal Arts team, who have reassured me that reaching out and utilising the help available to look after my mental health is the most important thing. Without the team, these aids, and my friends and family, I don’t know if I would still be here. I do however know for certain that I would have dropped out of university a long time ago. Instead, thanks to all this, I am eating healthily, coping with my depression, and aiming for a first at the end of my degree.

By Abi Kara-Fernandes Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

In Conversation with a Life Coach Have you ever prevented your dreams from becoming a reality simply because you’ve doubted your own potential? If so, then life-coaching could be for you. It’s not as intimidating as it sounds, and contrary to belief, you don’t have to be a wealthy and successful CEO to have one!

By Lilith Hudson Page Design by Chiara Crompton

SUPPORT

Journey with Ju is a coaching business run by Ju, who is a certified life coach helping people build their confidence and identify the limiting beliefs stopping them from reaching their goals. Ju is currently training to become an NLP (Neuro-linguistic programming) practitioner to improve her expertise and, as one of only ‘22% of active BAME coaches’ (according to UK Coaching in 2017), she uses her own experiences to offer the best coaching possible.

Can you tell us what life coaching actually is?

How does it differ from counselling or therapy?

I see life coaching as a journey to discovery and a way of unlocking your ultimate potential. Typically, my clients aim to gain clarity of their goals and learn how to identify any obstacles preventing them from achieving these goals. Through coaching, you essentially learn how to be intentional. You learn how to take your life into your own hands and be accountable for how you live your life. It’s about setting goals, reaching them, and then exceeding them. A life coach is just somebody who goes with you on that journey to discovery.

Life coaching helps you engage in your current state, with more of a focus on the present and future. Also, life coaches aren’t mental practitioners, so we can’t diagnose mental illnesses like anxiety or depression. Life coaching shouldn’t be substituted for therapy; if anything, I would recommend adding it on to therapy.

What can someone expect from a session? Different life coaches use different approaches and there’s no ‘one size fits all’. I typically use a holistic approach that looks at all aspects of a client’s life but, ultimately, coaching is about the client. My role is to just listen and ask questions to challenge their thinking. I might ask, ‘why did you come to life coaching in the first place, why is this what you want?’ Based on these, we can work together to come up with action points to work on. It’s like taking mini steps to reach their bigger goals. Each session typically lasts an hour and I advise a session per week, leaving a gap for the client to reflect. I usually recommend a minimum of three sessions because people are often sceptical about life coaching, so might be a bit reluctant during initial sessions.

Do you think your background and lived experiences have enhanced your coaching? Training equips you to be a life coach and handle certain situations, but nothing beats experience. For me, my issues with self-esteem really helped me to understand a lot of my clients’ struggles. This isn’t to say that I can relate to every single issue, but it helps me show a bit more compassion and empathy towards them. Coming from Nigeria has also made a big impact. The transition to the UK was hard and I had to adapt really quickly. Going through that process gave me a perspective of what people in similar situations may be going through. As I am coaching, I get people coming from different kinds of backgrounds, upbringings, and cultures, so I have to diversify my approach.

IMPACT

How has COVID-19 impacted your work and the people you coach?

As a mental health advocate, what other work does your job entail?

A lot more people need coaches now than before. Nobody could have predicted this pandemic, so it’s forced people to think about their lives and their futures a lot more. Some clients have been made redundant, some are suffering from loneliness, and some are finding it hard to deal with the uncertainty and stress. I offer coping mechanisms to help them deal with these things.

I do a lot of public speaking and motivational speeches alongside the one-to-one sessions. These topics are mainly surrounding confidence, Impostor Syndrome and self-worth, because that’s what a lot of my work caters to, so a lot of it is directed to university students. In addition, I also try to do my bit for the community to help where I can. For example, I volunteer for the Independent Age, where I call vulnerable elderly people to just check in on them once a week with a half an hour phone call. It’s just something that really goes a long way for them.

If anything, I’m actually getting more clients, but it’s kind of a trade-off because you also have clients who are struggling financially, so they don’t want to commit to life coaching long term. It has definitely affected the industry, but it’s dependent on what kind of life coaching you are doing. Career coaching has probably boomed because people are having to redirect their career paths. The same way it’s affected people differently, it’s affected coaches differently. An increasing number of young people are struggling with their mental health. What do you think needs to change? One issue is this idea of a picture-perfect life caused by social media. While there are benefits of social media, there are also a lot of cons, especially for young people who compare themselves to others a lot. I think society needs to find a way to filter this out. People in influential positions need to communicate their struggles and show people it’s not all perfect. Also, such a big emphasis is placed on physical health during education that mental health is often neglected. This is a big deal because we need to normalise these struggles; if no one is telling you this is normal then a lot of people won’t admit they’re struggling and they’ll suffer in silence. We need to normalise speaking up.

What advice would you give to anyone who is struggling? Talk to someone. Whether it’s a friend, a family member, a therapist or a life coach, there’s always someone. There are helplines you can call up, too. There’s something about being able to just talk to someone that’s so therapeutic. The second thing I would say is take things one day at a time. Everyone goes through periods where they struggle, and I think we become too hard on ourselves for it. But if we ease off, take things one day at a time and remember to do things that make us happy, you can let go of whatever’s pressuring you. We need to learn to focus on things in life that we can control and understand that there will always be things we can’t change. Time spent worrying on these is time wasted. What would you say to anyone considering life coaching? Do it! There’s so much value in having someone provide an objective view and constructive feedback, it’s such a beneficial part of growth. Put some research into the kind of life coach you may need and try at least one session. You’re sure to get something from it, even if you decide it isn’t for you. You can contact Ju via her email: ju@journeywithju.com.

SUPPORT

Behind the Scenes at UoN’s Nightline Rebecca delves into the support that the Nightline Nottingham service offers to students, and talks to two members of the committee about how the service managed to run during the pandemic.

Since 1973, Nightline Nottingham has been offering an anonymous listening ear to the University of Nottingham’s students. I chatted to Beth (Service Coordinator) and Kayleigh (Rota Officer) to find out more about the Nightline service and support at the University. Nightline is a service ‘by students for students’ and allows people to chat with a completely anonymous and non-judgmental voice. Aside from the committee, all volunteers are anonymous, making Nightline a 100% confidential information and listening service. Nightline does not give out advice but allows people to express and offload their thoughts to someone who is really listening without judgment. Kayleigh describes Nightline as a safe space for individuals who don’t want to approach anything to their friends, but are also not ready to seek professional help and could just use someone to speak to. Nightline can also support you finding the right service if you want to seek further help, for example by finding phone numbers or other contact information. It can also intervene with situations if you need them to, such as calling the emergency services if you feel as though you are in immediate danger. All volunteers must take part in two extensive training sessions with a focus on empathy and active listening, and so, callers should be confident that those listening know what they are doing. Volunteers are taught to not guide the conversation but to support and give space for the person calling to chat about what they want. During the COVID-19 Pandemic, Beth explained that the service was well supported by the University, especially as the current circumstances were almost impossible to predict and to plan for. She explains that UoN understands the toll the pandemic has had on students, and the Student’s Union did ensure that Nightline could continue to run. Beth added that there obviously had to be slight changes to the service for it to work as normal, and that the University was really helpful in working through the logistics of health and safety. Beth also explains the importance of Nightline to support their own volunteers, as they too will be going through things like the rest of the student body. Both Beth and Kayleigh feel as though there is still more that could be done in terms of welfare at the University of Nottingham. But they remain positive that constructive change is beginning to accelerate, as student welfare continues to be taken more seriously and placed as a high priority.

‘A safe space for individuals who don’t want to approach anything to their friends’

‘There is still more that could be done in terms of welfare at the University of Nottingham’

‘Never feel alone’

Nightline is always looking for new volunteers, and recruiting will start at the beginning of the next term. Anyone can volunteer, aside from those in their final year, due to the timings and length of the training sessions. Nightline is open from 7pm to 8am every night and runs a 24-hour service during the exam periods. You can contact them via the phone, instant message, email or a skype voice call. Never feel alone. Nightline is a fantastic student service, giving everyone a judgement-free time and space to chat.

By Rebecca Herman Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

SUPPORT

Discussing Mental Health with Emily Coleman, The University of Nottingham Students’ Union’s Welfare and Wellbeing Officer Niamh Robinson interviewed the University of Nottingham Students’ Union’s Welfare and Wellbeing Officer, Emily Coleman, to talk about student mental health. They discuss everything from Emily’s motivation to take on the role to the measures being taken to tackle the student mental health crisis.

So, Emily, what inspired you to become the University of Nottingham Students’ Union’s Welfare and Wellbeing Officer, it’s certainly no small undertaking for any student?

With a worrying spike in student suicides making headlines this year as a direct result of the COVID-19 pandemic, do you think the University of Nottingham is doing enough to support its students’ mental health?

The University recognises that student mental health must be one of their main priorities this year. So much so, they’ve made extra investments into some resources which will be at our disposal. One notable example is Togetherall: an online community of users which enables members to support one another in times of difficulty. It also offers self-help resources and courses, and is accessible to students 24/7, once they sign in using their UoN email.

‘As for whether I think the University is doing enough personally, I represent the students; whatever they voice to me, I voice to the appropriate staff members and we work from there’

What is your personal approach to a ‘bad mental health day’, something which everyone, regardless of whether they have a diagnosed mental health condition or not, is likely familiar with? Do you have any tips for students? I’ve also been very lucky to have lovely housemates who have been beside me throughout the various lockdowns. However, I want to stress that everyone is different. It’s also completely okay to feel unable to face the world on a bad mental health day. There is no shame in staying in bed and indulging in some feel-good films and snacks if that is what you need. You know yourself best and there is no one ‘right’ way to feel or act. Managing to show yourself compassion and empathy when you’re feeling low is more important than anything else.

‘There is no shame in staying in bed and indulging in some feel-good films and snacks if that is what you need’

It’s been such a unique privilege to do this job this year. To be honest, it was a very last-minute decision on my part to run once I saw how difficult things were for students amidst this pandemic. I wanted to give something back and I felt that this job was both rewarding and crucial. Before running, I was already involved with the staff and student network addressing University welfare, which was a massive help. Becoming UoNSU’s Welfare and Wellbeing Officer felt like a natural progression.

Bad mental health days require you to be as kind to yourself as you can. Every action should be treated as a small victory. Ordinarily, when I’m feeling low, I’d arrange to see some friends, but obviously that’s been far tricker this year. Instead, I’d make an effort to call someone; it doesn’t have to be for an intense or meaningful conversation, it can sometimes be even more helpful to just chat all things general and forget your feelings for a little bit.

‘You should try out everything available to you. There are a multitude of options out there and you should never be afraid to explore them’

‘I have big plans for University Mental Health week, in the hopes of encouraging students to just start talking’

Do you have any up-and-coming plans for student mental health within the University?

Yes, I do actually! I have big plans for University Mental Health week, in the hopes of encouraging students to just start talking. I’ve already launched the ‘REACH OUT, CHECK IN’ campaign which has been promoted all around campus, and I hope to keep putting student mental health on the agenda.

Of course, there are always improvements to be made; I think it’s unlikely we’ll reach a point where we say “right, we’ve done everything we can to help students, our work here is done”, so we are always adapting every year based on the results of our assessments. As for whether I think the University is doing enough personally, I represent the students; whatever they voice to me, I voice to the appropriate staff members and we work from there. All I can say is that the University is taking student mental health seriously.

Emily Coleman

By Niamh Robinson Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

What would be your advice for a student who is struggling right now? You should try out everything available to you. There are a multitude of options out there and you should never be afraid to explore them. Don’t get disheartened if one option doesn’t work, keep trying until you find what does. From HealthyU, the welfare guide provided by the SU, Nightline, welfare secretaries, to external help in Nottingham, or elsewhere, a problem shared is a problem halved and sometimes, all we need is to be validated. Please, please remember, there is ALWAYS help for you. There is no shame in asking for it.

IMPACT

SUPPORT

So, Emily, what inspired you to become the University of Nottingham Students’ Union’s Welfare and Wellbeing Officer, it’s certainly no small undertaking for any student?

‘As for whether I think the University is doing enough personally, I represent the students; whatever they voice to me, I voice to the appropriate staff members and we work from there’

‘There is no shame in staying in bed and indulging in some feel-good films and snacks if that is what you need’

‘You should try out everything available to you. There are a multitude of options out there and you should never be afraid to explore them’

‘I have big plans for University Mental Health week, in the hopes of encouraging students to just start talking’

Do you have any up-and-coming plans for student mental health within the University?

Emily Coleman

By Niamh Robinson Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

IMPACT

It’s All In Your Head: Breaking The Stigma

Megan Cuerden breaks the stigma surrounding mental illnesses, comparing them to other neurological disorders and examining the phrase: “it’s all in your head”.

Mental illness is generally associated with problems in communication between neurons in the brain. For example, depression is associated with a decreased level of the neurotransmitter serotonin. Similarly, scientists believe that neurotransmitters: dopamine, glutamate and norepinephrine all have a part to play in those with schizophrenia.

With more and more research, we are constantly learning new things about the causes of mental illness. We are also able to better understand how the physical parts of the brain change as a result. Schizophrenia patients show a smaller than average cerebrum, less grey matter and bigger brain ventricles. People with bipolar disorder have been found to have decreased cerebellum sizes, as well as decreased activity in the prefrontal cortex during certain phases of their disease. Anyone with a brain knows that there is no way to purposefully change the shape and size of that same brain— so, how can any of these conditions be considered self-inflicted? Countless other contributing factors can result in mental illness too, such as genetics, injuries, and other medical conditions.

‘I am sure that anyone reading this will have heard the phrase ‘It’s all in your head’. It is a phrase that encourages the stigma surrounding mental illness. Whilst it can be heart-breaking and entirely isolating to hear, it is also true—in a way.’

Mental illness is precisely that: mental. It occurs as a dysfunction in your brain, just like Alzheimer’s, Parkinson’s, epilepsy and a host of other conditions, yet, these diseases are termed ‘neurological’ rather than ‘mental’. And (unlike these diseases) society views mental illness as self-inflicted and something to be ashamed of when, in reality, it is as real an illness as any. There are ways to help, treat and even cure mental illnesses, the same way there are medications for epilepsy or dementia. Yet, unlike these recognised illnesses, the National Mental Health Association shows that only 55% of people acknowledge depression as a disease.

‘A mental illness is a condition that changes a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours, making it harder to function’

A mental illness is a condition that changes a person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviours, making it harder to function. The more we learn about mental illness and the biological changes that occur, the more similarities we see between mental illness and neurological disorders.

Mental illness has been stigmatised all throughout history and, whilst previously that was attributed to lack of knowledge, there is no longer any excuse to shame those suffering. Our society is too smart and advanced to allow individuals struggling to be silenced. Whilst you may be fortunate enough to have never experienced a mental illness, remember the friends who looked after you when you had the flu, or who were there for you when you broke a bone. Mental illness deserves the same support and kindness as any illness. 8 million people die every year due to mental illness; look after your friends before you lose them. And if someone ever tells you it is all in your head, they may be right. But that doesn’t make it any less real.

‘Mental illness has been stigmatised all throughout history and, whilst previously that was attributed to lack of knowledge, there is no longer any excuse to shame those suffering’

By Megan Cuerden Illustration by Phoebe Raine Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

RECOVERY

IMPACT

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On the worst days I wanted relief instantly and told myself I wouldn’t settle for anything else or anything less. And, when that didn’t happen, I lay paralysed, questioning what I was doing wrong and why it wasn’t getting better - immersed in self-hate for hoping that it would. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I’ve learnt now. I used to start my day by setting a timer counting down when I could go back to sleep. The medication kept me almost sedated, so I would go home between lectures to chug down Red Bulls. They barely had a measurable effect on me anymore, but just about kept my eyes open as I sat in a Land Law lecture, fighting depression, dread, and sleep. ‘On the worst days, I felt like life itself was leaking out of me’ The heaviness would fill up my chest each day. I rarely ever felt like I was even there anymore. I had given up on the thought of feeling okay. On the worst days, I felt like life itself was leaking out of me. This is a letter of hope, I hope it provides some solace to everyone who can relate to my experience, I hope it reminds you that you are enough, that you deserve better, that I believe your pain is real and your emotions are valid. I’ve found immense hope in reading about people’s experiences. It has a way of alleviating my isolation. It teaches me to extend the compassion I feel for them to myself. It reminds me that I feel this way due to an illness that I do not deserve, as opposed to a structural flaw in my character. We all have stories. I hope you can find some comfort in mine.

I used to think that I needed one big thing to make it all go away. I got into the habit of scanning every room I entered hoping someone would see me and figure out what was wrong and fix me somehow. If it wasn’t a person, my hopes were invested in a strategy: medication, therapy, running, writing. I devoted everything I had to each one of them individually and fell to the floor when that didn’t take the pain away. I had been clinically depressed since I was fourteen. I didn’t know what it felt like to not be; I didn’t know how to get there. Looking back at it now, what I needed was lots of things, consistently, as opposed to one big cure. I needed to go for a walk every day. I needed friends checking up on me constantly. I needed therapy regularly and extensions to most of my deadlines. I needed lots of breaks, needed to be told I was going to be okay and that people believed my pain, and for a significant time, I needed medication. But most of all, I needed time. I needed time to understand what was happening and to slowly heal. From a young age, I always put my grades before my health, used those numbers and letters as validation. I didn’t take a year out of university, even when I came very, very close to giving up. It is only after having stable mental health for over a year now that I realise, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I will never work myself to the point of exhaustion again. I tell myself that my sleep is not up for sale. I tell myself that I can take my time.

RECOVERY I know that it is hard to conceptualise what will help you in the long term when you are suffering in the moment, when you’re crying alone near the Trent Building at 2AM for what you wish was your first time. In the past few years, nothing could have convinced me to exercise or meditate when I was clinging to my bed trying to shut everything out. But that’s okay. I learned to not shame myself for the ways in which I coped. I learnt that I could go to sleep and try again tomorrow. ‘I also learnt that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do this alone’ I also learnt that as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t do this alone. I needed a support network, I needed to be able to ask for help even if it was over and over again. I needed to trust the people who love and care about me, I needed to let them help me. It is hard to see a path ahead when your mind feels clouded, letting people in helps lift the fog. ‘When I look back, it really does feel like I have been lifted from the water, like I’ve gained my life back’

I still have bad days and fears about relapsing, but those periods are shorter and less intense. I still can’t concentrate perfectly, but I know that I am much better than before. And I wish I could attribute it to one thing, but the truth is that it was a combination of several factors, including just trying and trying again. I’m writing this because I want you to know, I didn’t think I was going to make it out, I didn’t think I had a chance. But I did get better and I feel better in a way I couldn’t have imagined before. If anything is worth trying for, then this is it. ‘I want you to know that your efforts still count. It counts when it is difficult, it counts when you can’t see the progress, it counts when it feels impossible’ And if you feel like you’re not getting anywhere, I want you to know that your efforts still count. It counts when it is difficult, it counts when you can’t see the progress, it counts when it feels impossible. If you feel like you’re still stuck, it isn’t your fault. This is a process where it is important to be kind to yourself at every step. No matter the outcome, your resilience is amazing on its own.

By Anonymous Illustrations by Lilith Hudson Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT

With admirable candour, Hannah opens up about her experiences of generalised anxiety disorder, an unpredictable and debilitating condition. She remains optimistic, offering helpful techniques to control symptoms and reminding sufferers that there are always reasons to remain positive.

We have all experienced something that makes our stomach drop. A piece of bad news, swinging too far back on a chair, waking up after a night out and seeing you’ve posted an obscene amount of drunken stories. It happens and it’s horrible. But for some people that feeling of fear is a near constant experience.

‘The NHS estimates that around 5% of the population have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)’ The NHS estimates that around 5% of the population have generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), with many more suffering from different forms of anxiety and mental disorders in conjunction. For many, myself included, one mental health diagnosis goes hand-in-hand with another. I was diagnosed with GAD and panic disorder when I was 12, before I knew the word for that feeling of dread that lingered over me and why it felt like my body was refusing to function at times. I thought that by the time I was at university this feeling would be a thing of the past. I was wrong, but I also know now that that is okay.

‘Those who live with it know just how physical this mental illness can be’ Someone with GAD is often misconceived as just an irrational worrier. Those who live with it know just how physical this mental illness can be. Headaches, a racing heart, nausea, numbness, painful breathing, sweating, a loss of appetite and stomach pain can all become the standard backdrop of life. These physical manifestations are triggered by the workings of the mind, whether you can pinpoint the source or not. A severe feeling of worry and dread can lead to a distorted perception of reality. Time can appear to move faster or slower around you, and you may feel like you are losing touch with reality itself. Depersonalisation (when you feel like you are watching yourself from outside of your body) and derealisation (feeling like the world around you isn’t real or you are not a part of it) are both linked to this disorder. Catastrophic thinking and incessant ruminations over bad experiences can also be a part of GAD. The dark shadow of GAD is also not consistent; what triggers you one day may not the next. When I mustered up the courage to go on a school ski trip in America, in the preceding weeks the intrusive images of plane crashes and ski accidents haunted me, but what tipped me over the edge once I was there was the smell of the macaroni cheese. This illness is not predictable or rational. Sometimes it feels like your brain will worry about anything it can sink its teeth into.

‘I often visualise my anxiety as not who I am, but a creature added on’

There is no one recognised cause of this disorder. For some, it is inherited or biological, for others a traumatic past can be the catalyst. Although for most it is likely a combination, some people develop GAD for seemingly no reason. Any and all of these are valid, there is no ‘proper’ way to have anxiety.

life with Generalise

RECOVERY I often visualise my anxiety as not who I am, but a creature added on. I know there may be nothing to worry about, but my body is controlled by something external, ordering me to panic. This frustration, this dual existence, is exhausting. But you are not your thoughts. I am learning to befriend that feeling of the drop on a roller coaster. Whilst it may never leave my side, I have learnt to be the controller, not the controlled. Through counselling with Step-2 (CAMHS) when I was younger, I learnt lots of tools that I still use daily to manage my GAD. Daily yoga from the Yoga with Adriene YouTube channel has helped me to utilise the breath and practise grounding and gratitude, both on and off the mat. And trust me when I say you do not need to be flexible to get involved. The Calm app also offers guided meditations, sleep stories and music for moments of panic or as a preventative measure to calm frayed nerves. Walking is movement medicine and can transform you from a shaking wreck back to your rational self with a new plan of action to tackle the stressors in your life (especially when you can unpack your thinking with a friend).

It’s also important to acknowledge the silver linings of this condition. The self-awareness of your own mind can make you a remarkable friend – one who listens, understands and empathises with how the little things are often the biggest things. The constantly churning mind of an overthinker can mean that your problem solving skills are developed and the things that often trip others up will not pass you by. Often your catastrophic thinking means that when the going gets tough you are ready to meet it head on. You may even cope better than those without GAD because you have spent your life preparing for the panic.

‘I want you to know that I see you, I hear you and I understand you’ I want you to know that I see you, I hear you and I understand you. Your struggle is valid, but you will get through it. You have survived all of your hardest days and there is so much unstifled happiness waiting for you in your future. Don’t suffer in silence – your mind is not something to be ashamed of.

I know how monotonous the narrative of recovery can be from those who don’t ‘get’ it. I know that a twenty-minute walk or five deep breaths will not solve your problems, and I know you probably already know what steps you can be taking that help. But finding the best ways for you personally to manage GAD can help make life so much more fulfilling, and you will be able to achieve things you never thought possible. There are also medications and psychological therapies out there to help, just like you would see a doctor for a broken leg.

ed Anxiety Disorder By Hannah Penny Page Design by Chiara Crompton

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IMPACT

Self-Harm and Shame: How I Learnt to Embrace my Scars

In this article, Madeleine Craig bravely discusses self-harming, and how she overcame the stigma she felt was attached to her scars. She hopes to inspire others with her story.

TW: self-harm, shame, physical scars.

During my A level years, I had depression and self-harmed. The direct causes are unimportant, as these will be different for everyone. Instead, what I want to share are the far more relatable feelings which, hopefully, will provide assurance to anyone who is suffering now. I am not claiming to know the answers to recovery, as everyone responds to and copes with trauma differently; however, I aim to inspire hope from my story.

‘No one could know that I had been weak’

When I self-harmed, I was consumed by shock, pain, stress, and anxiety. Most of all, I was overwhelmed by intense shame. The marks on my arm felt like a physical symbol that something was wrong with me. I had to cover them up straight away. No one could know that I had been weak. I hid my scars for almost two months, as leaving my arm bare felt like being naked. I had the tattoo that no one wanted. In 2019, I read a statistic that ‘a fifth of 17 to 19-year-old girls self-harm or attempt suicide’. But, where were these girls? Were they hiding their scars too?

I thought that if I revealed mine, people would be upset, people would think I was looking for attention, or that I was ‘too sad’ for them to approach. These thoughts were toxic. The constant fear of other people’s reactions undermined my wellbeing and severely inhibited any self-progression. Over time, however, I discovered that covering up something physically distressing was as difficult and stressful as covering up something emotionally distressing. Eventually, you need to relieve your anxiety. So, after much time spent repressing my pain, I confided in a few close friends and family. This was scary, but the support I received was incredible and definitely worth the fear. True friends will not define you by your scars, or on your lower points in life. Most young people will have suffered from some form of mental health problem themselves, so are likely to sympathise with what you are experiencing. Everyone has scars, whether they are emotional or physical, they are there, you just can’t always see them.

‘You are you, and you are not alone’

The next challenge I faced after reaching out to friends and family was how to tackle my shame. As I struggled to accept my personal battles, others told me ‘not to care what people think’. But not caring is a lot easier said than done. I wished I didn’t care. I didn’t want to feel so ashamed. It occurred to me that in order to achieve this, all I could do was try. I indulged in various distractions: sport, a LOT of Netflix comedies, and continuous talks with friends. The process was hard and it took time, but gradually, I became increasingly determined to resist negative thoughts. Today, I feel empowered by my suffering, and have sustained a huge amount of confidence in myself. Eventually, scars fade, and so too does suffering. Whatever anxieties you might have surrounding scars, or other parts of your body or self that you feel ashamed of, I urge you to embrace them. Equally, you do not have to show people your scars. That is fine, too. But I beg you, please, do NOT treat them as a form of taboo that you believe you must hide. You are you, and you are not alone. So, to anyone who is aware of someone who has self-harmed, be mindful and supportive. They need you. And, to anyone who is suffering, time is a healer – cliché, but I promise you, it is true. Reach out to the people that you trust, and I guarantee you will be amazed by the support you receive. Resist shame. Rebel against shame. Don’t let shame win. By Madeleine Craig Illustration by Harriet Bray Page Design by Sarah MacAllan

RECOVERY

Body Image and Eating Disorders: My Experience Lucy shares her personal experiences battling Anorexia, as well as the long road to recovery which she admits isn’t always smooth sailing. She reminds us that no eating disorder looks the same and encourages anyone suffering to seek help. TW: Anorexia Nervosa and Anorexia Athletica.

‘An eating disorder can be as invisible as any other mental health issue’ I think that many people have preconceived notions of what a person with an eating disorder looks like, just as they may do with other types of mental illness. It usually involves someone who is extremely thin, or on the other end of the spectrum, someone who is very overweight. However, I am not a stereotype. An eating disorder can be as invisible as any other mental health issue. It does not have to show itself in noticeable ways. It is an unseen enemy, a voice whispering whenever you find yourself eating carbs, a negative thought when you look in the mirror; it is many things.

‘My body may have recovered, but my mind still struggles with these harmful thoughts every day’ I am someone who is in the recovery stage after suffering with Anorexia Nervosa and Anorexia Athletica. As someone in recovery, one of the things that stands out for me about my eating disorder is how the thoughts stay with you for so long. Even now when I am a healthy weight and consume a higher calorie intake, I still dislike the way my body looks. I still seek validation through my dress size, I still see pasta as a fear food, and I still exercise for the wrong reasons. My body may have recovered, but my mind still struggles with these harmful thoughts every day. I think the biggest difference now is that I am aware of these thoughts, whereas before, that way of thinking was so normalised for me that I almost welcomed it. It was a way for me to stay ‘on track’ with my goal of continual weight loss. Even in the recovery process, I had fears about leaving my eating disorder behind and gaining weight. It acted as a safety blanket for me that stopped me from experiencing the anxiety that came from putting on weight. But in reality, it wasn’t a safety blanket, it was more of a straitjacket. If you are reading this and currently suffering from an eating disorder, or in the recovery stages like myself, then I would urge you to find an accountability buddy. For me, this was my mother—the person that noticed I had become dangerously thin. She helped me to seek medical help and to gradually up my calorie intake by consuming higher quantities of healthy, non-fearful foods. After this, I began therapy, where I was made aware that eating disorders, although being mental health disorders in their own right, are often a symptom of another issue, which in my case was anxiety and perfectionism.

By Lucy Tombs Page Design by Chiara Crompton

Please be aware that no eating disorder looks the same. There is no set pathway to recovery and for me, recovery has not been a smooth road to being healthy again. It has been a path full of twists and turns, ups and downs, and even today I still struggle with immense food guilt and food control issues. Do not be too harsh on yourself if you slip up on your journey, as it is bound to happen, and the most important thing is that you are forgiving, to your mind and to your body.

IMPACT

Hope Is My Motivation

Córa-Laine writes an account of her relationship with hope and how it has helped overcome the battles she has had to face, whilst also being the driving force in her pursuit for great achievements. TW: abuse.

RECOVERY

Hope is defined by The Oxford English Dictionary as ‘expectation of something desired; desire combined with expectation.’ It is what makes our motivations, it establishes our goals, and forms our dreams. Hope is what we entertain when we wish for a better day.

In over 3 years, I have raised over £3,000 for Safeline, almost as a thank you. I put my head down in my books, to achieve the grades I needed to get into the best university I could. I did the mediocre activities like getting a weekend job (something I didn’t always enjoy), and it meant I could buy the clothes I wanted to buy, go on the trips I wanted to go, and experience the moments other teenagers experienced.

I openly speak about how I have experienced abuse, acted as a carer for my family, and of my battles with my mental health. It is something that I believe is important to speak about. Ever since I was 13, I have hoped to create a safer place for vulnerable people in this fast-moving world. I have always wanted to make a safe place where we can slow down just for a moment and give each other the support we need.

This was a big hope for me.

For me, ‘hope’ remains only as hope if I do nothing.

Like I said before, I experienced abuse throughout my childhood, that meant I had to care for my family due to the repercussions. My family had very little income, and as the youngest child, I had the hand-me downs. I would wear second-hand uniforms my schools would loan to me. I had to pretend I wasn’t jealous of the holidays my friends were going on. There couldn’t be any resentment from me when my classmates got to go to theme parks, while I stayed in the classroom studying, too broke to go. I finally got to do those things.

For 7 years, I have worked towards making the safe place I desired. I have been a student ambassador for a specialised charity that supports survivors of abuse and vulnerable young people, called Safeline, offering my assistance in improving their services and raising awareness of what they do. I contributed to the creation of their young people’s service, establishing their brand, helping at projects, and delivering presentations at schools. Having received their support, I was a first-hand account of how essential Safeline was. From the reserved, anger-fuelled girl that first walked into their small counselling room, I have become more self-assured and optimistic - something I would never have been without the first steps on my personal journey that I took with them. After many counselling sessions and projects, I reached a fork in my life’s road. Either I take the left turn, letting myself continue to suffer and feel absolutely miserable, or I take the right and start to chase my hopes.

I spent my entire life hoping. Hoping for no more fear. Hoping for a happier day. Hoping to have a better life. Now, I’m at the university I wanted to be at. I am doing the course I wanted to do. I received an award I never thought I would, and I spend every day with a boyfriend and friends I enjoy being around. The hopes I had when I was a scared, 13-year-old girl are what I am living now. I won’t give up hoping even though my life has improved, because it is hope that continues to motivate me to be the best I can be.

By Córa-Laine Moynihan Illustration and Page Design by Chiara Crompton

IMPACT RECOMMENDS Impact writers and committee members have come together to share how they cope with their mental health.

Córa-Laine Moynihan

Phoebe Raine

Amrit Virdi

Lilith Hudson

Set a routine for yourself! It sounds like something really boring to do, but on weekdays when there’s a lot of studying and work to be done, it can really help you with staying on track and managing your time. I always set a start and finish time for studying so that I still have time after to have personal or social time. It also motivates me to be much more productive, since I know when I want to do something and how long I have to do it. This means no more all-nighters or last-minute work on assessments because I’ve already planned ahead, which ultimately reduces a massive amount of stress and anxiety for me.

Write it down! This may not work for everyone, but certainly for me when I’m feeling overwhelmed at how much I have to do or remember (even if it’s just online lectures), I write it down on a piece of paper. Sometimes this is a timetable of the day which I’ll blu tak to the wall so it’s in full eyeline (not hidden on my phone notes). It might be a pros and cons list about something important or a rough breakdown of what needs to be done for that essay I procrastinated. Even if I don’t completely stick to what I wrote down, it gives me a guide and helps with remembering it all.

Being kind to yourself. Uni is very stressful as we all manage work, extracurriculars, friendships and so much more, so give yourself credit for what you can do and don’t beat yourself up for what you may not have achieved yet! For example, I myself am always a victim of setting myself way too much to do when writing my daily to-do list, but reflecting on what you have managed to achieve and starting with a fresh perspective the next day allows you to respect how well you are really doing!

Make your bed! The simplest of tasks can have the most positive effect on your entire day! If you’re struggling with motivation right now (like most of us!), then this mundane chore can really help you to achieve a sense of accomplishment before you’ve even properly woken up! Then when you’re done for the day, watching ASMR on YouTube works wonders for calming your mind at bedtime—especially if you have loads of tabs open in your head and thoughts whirring around your brain! Research shows that the phenomenon is proven to relieve anxiety, stress, and even panic attacks. It’s also a great tool for insomniacs. If I’m struggling to switch off, 15 minutes of ASMR sends me off to sleep easily.

Daisy Forster Letter writing! As someone who really values preserving memories for my future self, letter writing is something that I really enjoy. There is something really cathartic about writing down your feelings or venting about something that is frustrating you. I think that writing extended letters to people you care about is not only something that will make them super happy but it also does wonders for mental health. So, get on Amazon and buy some nice writing materials!

Illustrations and Page Design by Chiara Crompton

Charlotte Smith

Annabel D’Monte

Matthew Bird

Melina Williams

Get some fresh air! The dark winter days and nights can make this time of year difficult under normal circumstances, and being locked down only amplifies the issue. If you’re a late riser like me, you may start to feel like you never see daylight! This definitely affects your mood (the NHS website can explain more about Seasonal Affective Disorder: https://www.nhs. uk/conditions/seasonalaffective-disorder-sad/) but getting away from my work and outside often cheers me up. When I’m in Nottingham, I always miss my usual mid-day dog walk, so scheduling one in, whether round the lake or just to the shop, really helped me feel like the day had more of a structure (the lake also has the bonus of other dogs to take my mind off missing mine!). A walk or a run doesn’t have to be long to blow the cobwebs away and then you can return to your laptop refreshed and with a clear head.

I started a gratitude journal over the first lockdown where I wrote down what I was grateful for at the end of, and sometimes the start of, every day. I thought I would find the commitment of writing in it everyday difficult, but when I got into it, it really highlighted how much good there is in everyday life, even if it’s just little things like a stranger opening a door for you. It showed me that I used to think of myself as having had a ‘bad day’ if one bad thing happened, whereas there were often loads of other things to be grateful for that day, that I had overlooked. It also helps to look back on past entries at all the things I have been grateful for to boost my mood whenever I’m feeling a bit hopeless, so I would really recommend starting one of these this year!

Preparing to succeed. ‘Morning me’ is very creative when it comes to coming up with excuses not to get out of bed. And most of the excuses don’t even make sense in retrospect. This means ‘evening me’ needs to prepare. Putting my running clothes in a neat pile that’s readily accessible is one less thing for ‘morning me’ to think about. Not having my phone next to my bed is a major morning distraction eliminated. By taking small steps towards your goal way ahead of time, you are far more likely to succeed.

Some form of movement! In normal times, but especially through the various lockdowns we’re having to endure, I find that taking a bit of time everyday to move my body has really helped me to stay calm and on top of everything I have to do. Going out for a walk/ run is a chance for some fresh air and exercise, but on days when that feels like too much, just a twenty minute yoga video on YouTube has proven brilliant!

THE TEAM

Senior Team Editor in Chief - Emily Casey Online Editor - Phoebe Raine Print Editor - Ben Ofungwu External Manager - Natasha Phang-Lee Social Media Assistant - Georgia Honey Deputy Online Editor - Melina Williams Deputy Online Editor- Abi Kara-Fernandes Artistic Director – Chiara Crompton Head of Illustrations – Sarah MacAllan Head of Images - Nina Shasha Welfare Officer- Grace Cloughton

Head of Sections Head of News - Aidan Hall Head of Features - Niamh Robinson Head of Lifestyle - Lilith Hudson Head of Entertainment - Annabel D’Monte Head of Sport - Maya Israel Head of Podcasts - Kit Sinclair Head of Reviews- Jasmin Lemarie

Editors News Editor - Lauren McGaun Features Editor - Anna Stacey Comment Editor - Isabelle Raikes Food Editor - Alice Nott Style Editor - Francesca Wormald Travel Editor - Charlotte Smith Arts Editor - Daisy Forster Film and TV Editor - Annabel D’Monte Gaming Editor - Jack Richardson Music Editor - Olivia Stock Sports Editor - Rachel Roberts Science Editor- Matthew Bird Reviews Editor- Amrit Virdi