Assertive skills

Assertive Skills

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Assertive Skills Assertion means standing up for what you want. It means expressing opposition. It means confrontation. It takes courage. Some find it harder than others because of their natural easy-going style and therefore more practice is required. However, the aim should not be just to gain a win. The aim should be to solve the problem and get the best result. That is why assertion should not be synonymous with aggression.

To be assertive, respond first of all by understanding and recognising what the other person has said, and then be positive in putting forward what you want. For example, imagine you have a tenancy agreement with someone who is renting a property you own for a year. A month before the agreement is due to end the tenant leaves the property and says you can take the remaining rent from the deposit that is held in trust to cover any damage created by the tenant. You must, in such situations, be assertive. But first understand and recognise. ‘I understand you will be leaving the property one month early and want to pay the rent from the deposit. I cannot agree to that as it breaks our agreement’. Now this puts your position clearly and assertively.

In short, use the three-line assertion message, in which: (a) you understand and summarise (b) you indicate your feelings (c) you state your requirements and reason, if appropriate.

Assertion normally comprises what is called the three line assertive message. This enables you to confront the other person with your concern without being personally aggressive, but it is not easy and demands skilful conversation control. For example, you might say: 1. When you . . .

2. It annoys me . ..

3. Because I would like . . .

This is also described as the mini negotiation script or D.E.S.C. script.

D.E.S.C. Script This script give you a framework for assertive actions with a colleague at work. It enables you to discuss the matter, minimising the risk of confrontation and argument.

Let’s assume that you and a colleague share a secretary and you have discovered that they are saying to the secretary that their work is more important. This situation is causing your work to be finished late.

Describe the situation factually and objectively - no accusations.

“I’ve noticed that you are asking the secretary to do your typing when mine was given in first.”

Express my feelings and opinions - using ‘I’ statements rather than ‘You’ statements.

“I’m very disappointed about this as my work is now behind schedule.”

State the action you desire. (Always make sure your actions are phrased positively – What you want as opposed to stating what you don’t want) “I would like you to discuss this with me in the future before you ask her to do your work in preference.”

Consequences of the proposed actions - you must show value or benefits for the other person.

“This way we will both be able to work more effectively and get all of our work done on time. Thanks” Here the person relates the behaviour that causes offence, says how he/she feels and then gives a reason. Note there are no such attributions as 'You are deliberately annoying me', there are no swear words, there are no put-downs of the other person.

The emphasis is on indicating how you feel and thereby seeking to gain a positive rather than an aggressive response from the other person.

Such tactics will work if the other person sees your communication as reasonable, problem-solving and justified. However, don't expect that they will react favourably first time, you may need to repeat the message in the same controlled conversational way as before.

This is not to say that you should not at times be verbally aggressive with some people if that is the only language they understand. However, it is usually the act of last resort if you wish to maintain control and a problem-solving relationship.

Becoming Assertive Aggressive behaviour Being aggressive is often defined as establishing one’s rights in a way that violates or ignores the rights of others. In other words; getting your own way at other people’s expense. Aggressive behaviour often involves putting people down, making them feel small, incompetent, foolish or worthless. It does not necessarily mean being

confrontational; sarcastic humour can be very aggressive. Aggressive people focus on task issues when making decisions i.e. the end result and can easily dismiss people’s feelings when talking to them.

Passive behaviour Being passive can be defined as failing to stand up adequately for your rights. It usually means putting up with a situation in which you feel uncomfortable rather than being honest about what you really think or feel. It involves being apologetic about your own views rather than expressing them positively. Passive people concentrate on relationship issues when making decisions; “Will I feel silly…”; “They won’t like me if I do that.”; “I’ll feel guilty about turning them down.”. Often passive people are referred to as ‘People pleasers’.

Assertive behaviour Being assertive is usually defined as standing up for your own rights without impinging on the rights of others. It means being honest with yourself and others, putting forward your own views and stating clearly and honestly what you want, think and feel. It means being self-confident and positive but not dogmatic. Behaving assertively means being firm in expressing an opinion but understanding the other person’s point of view and being prepared to reach a workable compromise.

When to be Assertive Clearly you should only be assertive when:   

you have certain rights that are being infringed you have information that contradicts or is in conflict with what another person has you have a strong opinion that you feel is being ignored or undermined

In short, if you are going to be assertive you need to have some basis upon which to support a case.

However, do not expect everyone to agree with you just because you have a right to be assertive. Indeed you should expect that when you do assert your position, then the other person will react against you rather than just agree or withdraw. Therefore be prepared for a counter assertion or even verbal aggression.

In such situations you must continue with your assertive behaviour. Do not give up.

Just reassess your original point. Do not be side-tracked or seduced into talking about such other matters as the excuses the other person puts up or the allegations he/she makes about you. Go back to your original point and assert what you want; always of course using the three-line assertive message where you understand, express your requirement and give the reason for doing so. If you keep getting rejections, then you have to work out other strategies, which will probably push you into win/lose arrangements.

Some Guidelines 1. Be assertive and use the three line assertive message to get your point across in an adult person-to-person way.

2. Do not be easily put off or seduced. Repeat your assertive requirements despite opposition.

3. Seek at all times to solve rather than just gain a personal win, by understanding what the other person has said, even if you don't agree with it.

4. Challenge in a non-aggressive manner by asking for clarification and listen in order to understand.

5. If you need to assert yourself, do so by talking about your concerns and reasons rather than by accusing others of error or "putting them down" by name calling and other means.

It can be really difficult if, for example, you have to confront your boss or a member of your family. In such situations it must be important and you must be confident that you are right.

This article has been extracted from one of our training course books. Our training materials are developed by experienced trainers and consultants.

Impression Training runs courses related to this topic.

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