Misprint The
“OH GOD, IT’S A SPACE SQUID!”
Single ladies split
YES
Should a ring be put on it?
... But yes, we’re still way better than Laurier.
NO
CHAKMA AT LARGE
First UofWO,
THEN THE WORLD I am BLACKBERRY Lazaridis TELLS ALL about his life as a wireless handheld device
MISPRINT UWaterloo to open satellite WEATHER campus in 1960s U.S.S.R. Katrina is back, and she’s pissed
Misprint’s team of crack meteorologists have concluded that after three years of dormancy, hurricane Katrina is set to make a comeback. She will be performing her new material at the upcoming MTV video awards.
Winter in Waterloo may never end
Scientists at the University of Waterloo have concluded that there is no such thing as summer, spring or fall in Waterloo. This time is only a small respite from winter, which is otherwise a constant. This revelation explains why UW students appear to have seasonal affective disorder year round.
Bill Shatner, Moscow
The Board of Governors this week announced plans to open a new satellite campus in the U. S. S. R. circa 1960. Touted as an opportunity to expand the international presence of the University, this Soviet campus would enable our comrades behind the iron curtain to share in the educational opportunities available at UW, without having to emigrate to Canada, seen as a land of the Bourgeois corrupted by capitalism. Though the Provost conceded that the University’s plans are “fraught with risks” and potential pitfalls for students and faculty at the Moscow-based satellite campus, he went on to add that the entire UW community should be excited about the prospect of operating in “a worker’s paradise.” Not everyone is enthusiastic about opening a Soviet campus, however; William Moneybags McFatcat, president of the UW Capitalist Society, has already begun raising warning flags about the mistreatment of capitalists in the U. S. S. R, describing the entire proposal as a “nightmare” scenario for all non-Marxists on campus. When confronted with these concerns, however, UW President David Johnston dismissed them outof-hand as wildly inaccurate and emotionally charged. “Sure, there
Johnston, seen here exiting the DeLorean in Red Square, has denied that the campus will be a human rights nightmare.
will be controversies,” he relayed to Misprint recently, “but there’s a controversy every time I order anchovies on my pizza, too, and you don’t see the world coming to an end.” The Administration will be preparing a handbook for staff and students who are considering travel to the Soviet campus, describing in detail the code of conduct for an authoritarian, communist state, and clarifying
what behaviours are prohibited. Displays of support for democracy and capitalism are illegal in the U. S. S. R, but the Provost noted that many Soviets follow the “live and let live” mantra and turn a blind eye to infractions. It may be a blind eye because of the Communist state’s cruel tortures, and it may be in a Gulag that the authorities “let live” the capitalists, but hey; nobody’s perfect!
Balsillie buys hockey team Timbit tots to have a “rebuilding year” Milli Vanilli, RIM Park
Amidst much controversy and dissent, RIM co-founder Jim Balsillie finally purchased his very own hockey team early this week. No, it was not the long sought after Pittsburgh Penguins, but Waterloo’s very own Timbits hockey team that became part of the Balsillie empire. For a mere 100,000 large double doubles, Balsillie was the first independent owner to acquire a Timbit team, breaking with a longstanding tradition of the teams being owned, operated, and funded by local Tim Horton’s franchises. Some major changes will come with the change of ownership as well, with newly retired former Toronto Maple Leafs head coach Pat Quinn coming on board to lead the newly rebranded KW Rimmers Timbit hockey team. “I get what I want, and I wanted a hockey team,” said Balsillie when asked about his decision to purchase the team. “They might be a bit younger than NHL players, but I think each member of the
team has the ability to reach the pros someday. A smiling Balsillie stands in front of his newly purchased team, each player teetering along the ice, falling only occasionally. As yet another puck slides across the ice into the opposing net, Balsillie chuckles, “I know they have a long way to go, but I’m confident that with the right leadership and the right practice schedule, these guys will be ready to take on the NHL by the start of next year.” “This is the best group of rookies I’ve worked with in years,” said an enthused Quinn. “This may be a rebuilding year, but I am confident we can take the Cup before the end of the decade.” Although it might sound like it’s all coming up roses for Balsillie’s dreams of big league glory, the team and the NHL have something else to say about it. “I think it’s poopy,” said team captain Tyson Cockshutt, age four, number 4. “Hockey is fun, but new coach makes my feet hurt and is very mad. He also spits.” Cockshutt’s sentiments were echoed by team goalie, Angus
NEWS BRIEFS
At what should have been another uneventful press conference about the economy, Obama dropped jaws and created mass strokes across the globe as he announced that he was officially a white man. At this point many were still unable to fathom the situation and as such the president continued on with his speech. The president then said that he no longer wished to lie to the American people. He claimed that he was actually a distant relative of George Bush and that in fact his dad is from Kenya, but he was actually a landowner and not a former slave. The president also continued to deny any knowledge of Black culture and that he could not identify as a ‘Brother’. The biggest revelation was that President Obama continuously tans every day to keep his complexion and that if he were to stop this process he
McGilvery, age three, number 3, “Coach is a meanie pants.” He pauses to think about his thoughts on the team’s new owner before replying, “what does ‘owner’ mean?” What does owner mean indeed, especially as Balsillie seems to be trying to re-write the rules and force a new team into the NHL? When we contacted the League with regards to this article, they refused to comment, saying only, “you can’t be serious. You aren’t serious right? Toddlers can’t play in the NHL, they would die!’ “Die, but in the pursuit of the greatest cause known to man: winning me a Stanley Cup, the only joy I have yet to be able to buy,” Balsillie replied when asked about the potential dangers to his players should they face grown men nearly four times their age and size. No matter how this plays out, it looks as if Waterloo will finally have its own over-funded, under-producing hockey team — although for how long may be questionable, because while the Rimmers may be adorable tottering along the ice, they are hardly worth $100 a ticket.
(more like snooze briefs, amirite?)
would look like Michael Jackson. After serious digging it has been discovered that Obama was tanned and trained in everything “Black” in order to obtain the minority vote. Others believe that President Obama is using a huge bomb to cover the fact that the recession will last 10 years instead of one, though avid financiers say they will not be easily fooled. Obama’s team has been unavailable for comment. Oprah has reportedly gone into hiding and the ghost of Martin Luther King has been seen crying out for justice. Iceland’s first openly gay leader, lesbian Johanna Sigurdardottir, also known as “the Ice Queen,” has refused to even attempt to fix the Icelandic economy until copies of the L-Word’s final season are sent,
dubbed in their language, to their parliament buildings so that she can find out who killed Jenny. Analysts are comparing the incident to Scott Brison proroguing Canadian parliament to go see Brokeback Mountain on opening night.
The latest victim of print media’s slow death at the hands of the economic crisis, The Gray Lady has stopped the presses. In the wake of The Times last cover headline, “Why? We survived Fox News, why now?” webmaster and celebrity gossip blogger Perez Hilton, widely acknowledged as the “Queen of all Media,” has expanded his website and released the following statement: ”That’s bizness, bitches.” In unrelated news, Misprint staff have newly updated resumes, are totally faboosh, and remain unafraid
of, and intensely interested in, Paris Hilton’s vagina. In an unexpected move, the Conservative Party of Canada has brought a swift and decisive end to Canada’s suffering in the global economic crisis. After implementing his ineffective policy of middle class tax cuts, Prime Minister Stephen Harper was forced to admit that “tax cuts are just plain stupid when the unemployment rate is skyrocketing.” In order to correct the situation, Harper’s colleagues surreptitiously auctioned off the Prime Minister’s head on a pike. The resulting eBay purchase has funded a complete turn-around of Canada’s economy; the successful auction winner has requested anonymity but was quoted as saying “How you gonna wear that v-neck now, Stevie Sweatervest?”
JOHNSTON IS GOLDMEMBER! FOX NEWS, Cape Town
It was recently discovered that UW’s President David Johnston has been harbouring a secret identity! What was once assumed to be a fictional character as portrayed in Austin Powers is in fact a real person – Goldmember is the alter ego of David Johnston.
Like Superman and Clark Kent, Johnston and Goldmember have secretly inhabited the same body without arousing even the slightest suspicion – until now. Johnston’s dark past unexpectedly surfaced when Johnston was unable to board a plane to the UAE to view UW’s satellite campus. Johnston was
The uncanny resemblance is so obvious in retrospect
Penis better than vagina
Dick Richardson, Waterloo
Former claims that vaginas were more functional than penises have been refuted by the scientific community. For years, women have asserted that vagina, and its role in childbirth, justified its supremacy over the penis’ feeble attempts at utility. Lesser known proponents of this argument also claimed that the vagina also served as a handy pouch for storage and transportation of keys, spare change, and in some cases, bike helmets. For years, men have refuted this claim, reminding women everywhere of the cock’s usefulness as a sperm squirter and orgasm trigger. Women remained unconvinced. The prevalence of the “pussy power” position dominated debate on the subject until recently, when University of Waterloo researcher Dr. I.M. Manley completed a study showing that the penis had many unacknowledged abilities. Although the results failed to uphold the link between the penis and female orgasms, Manley was able to show that the penis proved helpful as a time management tool, educational aid,
and recession buster – potentially outnumbering the vagina’s comparatively short list of potential uses. The study showed that by encouraging men to spend more time with their penises, women had more free time and were thusly able to increase productivity. Additionally, the penis proved to be a positive reinforcer in education. By alternately ignoring and attending to the penis, women were able to quickly and effectively teach men a wide variety of new facts, including the advantages of real breasts over implants, the aesthetic appeal of neatly trimmed ball hair, and the names of an average of three out of the four characters from Sex and the City. Lastly, Manley’s research showed how the penis was capable in the recent economic crisis. Although the causal factors remain unclear, the study showed a relation between the presence of a penis and money spent at bars. Longitudinal analyses showed that this single-handedly prevents the industry from collapse. Manley, a long time fan of Bomber Wednesday, plans a follow up study at the campus bar to further expand upon her current findings.
strip searched, and to the shock and horror of Toronto Pearson staff, the weapon he was carrying was attached directly to his body. In solid gold. That’s right — David’s Johnston is a golden member. Following this incident, Johnston has been hiding out at Johnston Manor, spending some quality time with his lonely 17 horses, and finally getting to bathe in his pool of money. He has been avoiding visitors and screening calls, but Misprint was able to sneak their way into his home with offers of a pyramid scheme money making deal. Here is the exclusive, intrusive interview: Misprint: So after you sign on three friends as fellow sales associates, you can pick what you would like to sell. Do you have any particular interests? Johnston: I liiiiiike gooooold. Can I sell gold? Misprint: Certainly. I hear you have your own foundry here
on the estate? Johnston: Yesssss. Here I make tuition into gooooold. Misprint: Gold, eh? Well that’s a valuable investment. Where do you keep the gold? Johnston: On my booody. Mmm flakey skin makes for yumyums. Gold! Misprint: I think we’re getting off track here. Do you understand the terms of the contract? Do you have three friends who will sign three more friends who will intern their family? Johnston: No sell friends. But stuuuudents. Students will give tuition aaaand sell gold. Soo shinyy... At that point, the “interview” degraded into senseless laughter and some sights that this reporter wishes she never saw. Suffice it to say that 10 of Johnston’s horses so far are part of team gold. May god help us if they find their way to campus.
ELECTION MISHAP: Someone actually voted! Olga Von Boobenheimer, SLC
FEDS elections records were broken this year, when surprisingly, someone actually bothered to vote. Candidates, who had previously agreed to decide the various leadership races through a variety of innovative challenges — JELLO wrestling, Twister, and Connect Four — were struck silent when they got the news. After a few days’ delay to investigate — cleverly disguised as a “voting malfunction” — FEDS elections officials confirmed that a Recreation and Leisure student had become drunken and disoriented at a “nooner” and had accidentally voted for “Allan Babor” while seeking to satisfy a labcoat fantasy by searching “Anal Lab Bro” through Google. In an attempt to cover up the embarrassing anagram of President-elect Babor’s name, FEDS
offered the as-yet-unidentified student a Texas mickey of Jager, a case of Red Bull, and a year’s subscription to hsboys.com. Although disappointed that he never got a chance to face champion JELL-O wrestler Andrey, Babor admitted that this democracy thing might just be worth a try. “And if it works, maybe we can get two, three, or maybe even four people to vote in future elections. It might not happen next year, or even while we are here, but someday.” Babor later admitted that he assumed FEDS was a monarchy. Andrey took the democratic loss in stride, telling Misprint that, should he choose to run again next year, he may even cast a ballot for himself. “Its just like how they do it on Canadian Idol!” said Andrey. “What a concept!”
Crossword 1
2
3 4
6 Sites built by people with nothing better to do than document their boring-ass weddings (7) 7 Acronym that’s actually “Not So” good at conveying the humility it suggests (4)
5
6
7 8
8 Casual bastardization of the English language used to redirect the conversation to something new. (6) Down
Across 1 The quality of something you have the balls to know is true, despite all evidence to the contrary (10) 5 What the Blackberry REALLY is. (10)
2 A holiday spent at home! How fun is that! (10) 3 Member of the NEW monarchy, available solely to the l33t (10) 4 Woman-bits, for pussies too big to just say “vagina” (8)
Logic Problem by Bogdan Petrescu You start off with 3 pirates. We have another 2 treasure chests and 4 swords, another 2 lightbulbs and 1 ladder. The problem? Was your Iron Ring really worth it?!
GRT BUS SCHEDULE MAY NOT BE A LIE Dianne Sawyer, Charles St. Terminal
After diligent investigation, GRT has reported that all their busses arrive as scheduled. This investigation was prompted after UW and Laurier students made several complaints to the GRT and petitions were made to remove the current management for better results. The official report released last week states that the buses are mind controlled. Due to the new hybrid technology the buses move on another plane, but they always arrive on time. The only way to catch the bus is to think about the time you want it to arrive. Lately psychic readings show a lot of students have been running late and keep asking the bus for two to five more minutes and thus changing the schedul-
ing on the other plane, causing the bus to arrive late. Also, it has been proven that the GRT clock used is extremely high-tech and has been issued by underground groups and therefore runs on the actual earth time and not the one we have assumed and therefore you should come out at least 10 minutes prior to your watch’s time in order to get the bus scheduled on GRT time. GRT also took the time to note that a lot have buses have been returning to the Charles St. terminal empty due to the fact that people are not tapping into their mental abilities and therefore the busses drive by unseen by the naked eye when indeed if they opened their third eye, the bus is always there. GRT is kindly requesting an end to the hate mail, and that people start carrying around a crystal ball to catch the next bus.
CAMPUS WATCH!!! Laurier girl wears actual pants
The Laurier campus ground to a halt this Monday when, unexpectedly, a female student was spotted wearing a pair of wellfitting pants. With a zipper. And buttons. The campus — where the cultural norm prescribes camel-toe hugging tights and low slung, oversized sweatpants with rolled down waistbands and rolled up cuffs as appropriate day wear — was forced to shut down when stunned students stopped in their tracks to stare at the fully dressed 22 year old. “She didn’t have a sassy comment written on her ass,” commented WLU sophomore Connie Fused. “You couldn’t see her thong or anything.”Embarrassed by the situation, the bold pants activist has changed her name and transferred to the University of Waterloo where she has enrolled in remedial classes in order to catch up to her new classmates. In response to the incident, UW Counselling Services has created a support group for women who can dress themselves in hopes of encouraging more transfers and addressing lingering trauma.
Queens’ astronomy study causes depression in student body
Depression rates at Queens University skyrocketed this week when one of the school’s most recognized astronomers released the results of his most recent study. Classes have been cancelled and crisis counsellors have swarmed to the campus to care for the thousands of afflicted students. Dr. E. Goburst and his term themselves entered residential psychiatric care shortly after publishing “The centre of the universe: Not Us.” Lakehead University relocates
The administration of Lakehead University held an emergency meeting last week after realising that they were located in Thunder Bay. After spending many years assuming that they were just west of Toronto, the school’s meterology centre released a finding concluding that instead of experiencing a particularly lengthy winter — as had been previously assumed — the school was actually situated in the asshole of Canada. Plans have been made
to amalgamate with the University of Windsor; the new school will specialize in teaching and avoiding getting shot. Sweaty Stink in PAC Becomes Sentient, Takes Over SLC
This afternoon, a code red has been issued on UW campus, and the SLC, MC, DC, EC, EITS and DWH buildings are being shut down and quarantined. Emergency workers have been working hard to contain the PAC, but fear they may be too late. The crisis started this morning when the sweaty stink normally inhabiting the PAC gym became sentient and started to move. Gymgoers, used to the stink living in peaceful symbiosis, were shocked by its newfound consciousness and aggression. They tried to defend themselves, but were quickly subdued and hypnotized by the stink to work out harder. The stink was able to grow strong and began to migrate. As this report is being written, this journalist is holed up in a secret location, spraying air-fresheners and praying for dear life. No one knows how much the stink has learned already — such as the ability to open doors, access security systems, or use WatIam, a seemingly impossible task.
UW’s Plagiarism Policy Plagiarized
UW’s Academic Council is up in arms this week, as it has been discovered that its concisely written, well-worded policy on plagiarism… has been plagiarized. Plagiarism is commonly defined as submission of work not written and prepared by you, including (but not limited to):copying or stealing the work of another student, paying for the creation of work by a commercial service or by an acquaintance to be submitted by you, acceptance of such service for free, purchasing already existing written work, stealing ideas, pretending ideas are yours, using someone else’s ideas to write a plagiarism policy. UW is taking Queen’s, UofT, Ryerson and York to court, noting, at the conclusion of an investigation where misconduct has been found, the student will be given at a minimum a letter of reprimand. Other penalties may be imposed as the situation warrants them. University departments (e.g. Registrar, Co-operative Education, Graduate Studies Office, UW Police) shall be sent a copy of the decision as appropriate. A copy of a decision will be placed in the student’s discipline record by the Associate Dean of the home Faculty.
Community Editorials
我把日本! 我的图片我和你。您写了一 篇“我爱你”我写“我也”。 我坐在那里盯着，有没有别的 做 。噢有颜色 。你的头发 。 是棕色的 。你的眼睛是淡褐 色 。软的云彩 。我经常吻你 的时候，那里已经没有其他人 靠近。 我有您的图片，我有您 的图片。我想你100万的所 有’轮自己。我希望医生将您 的图片。所以，我可以看看你 从内部以及。你得把我和拒 绝。我把在我谈到’轮。 我把日本。我想我谈到 日本。我真的这么认为。在谈 到日本。我想我谈到日本。我 真的这么认为。我把日本。我 想我谈到日本。我真的这么认 为。在谈到日本。我想我谈到 日本。我真的这么认为。 我有您的图片，我有您 的图片。我想要一个万人的所 有’轮自己。我希望医生将您 的图片。所以，我可以看看你 从内部以及。你有我谈到了我 拒绝。我把在我谈到’轮。 我把日本。我想我谈到 日本。我真的这么认为。在谈
到日本。我想我谈到日本。我 真的这么认为。我把日本。我 想我谈到日本。我真的这么认 为。在谈到日本。我想我谈到 日本。我真的这么认为 。 没有性，没有毒品，没 有酒，没有妇女。没有乐趣， 没有罪，没有你，也难怪它的 黑暗。我周围的每个人都完全 是陌生人。我想每个人都避免 旋风游侠。每个人都...。 这就是为什么我在谈到 日本。我想我谈到日本。我真 的这么认为。在谈到日本。我 想我谈到日本。我真的这么认 为。我把日本。我想我谈到日 本。我真的这么认为。在谈到 日本。我想我谈到日本。我真 的这么认为。 [吉他] 在谈到日本。我想我谈 到日本。我真的这么认为。 我把日本。我想我谈到日 本。我真的这么认为。在谈 到日本。我想我谈到日本。 我真的认为是这样，这样 想，这样想。我把日本。我 想我谈到日本。我真的这么 认为 。
Letters Tech Talk: Talk English
Re: Crossword
Seriously, I’m tired of picking up the Imprint and having to pull out my thesaurus to read the tech talk section. Are those high, convoluted words really necessary to explain to me that the item can reply to me in an automated voice? Last issue, you spent more than 100 words talking about how to load a program. Seriously, if that’s how long it takes, maybe you need to start writing for another section called “I’ve got verbal diarrhea and it’s the only way I can sound smart.” So here’s my advice: keep it simple, stupid!
Could you please stop hiding secret messages in the crossword? I don’t know if you are doing it on purpose, but I really hate showing up for Beautiful Mind style secret decoding meetings and not having anyone else there. Thanks.
— Kelly, 1B Fine Arts
— Code Master Re: Being hipsters Ok, so, fine. Or mere existence didn’t cause you to collapse. Whatever.We’re still cooler. — The Boar PS: We’re not too cool to use your office equipment. Shh.
I kicked a goose ...and I liked it! This was never the way I planned, not my intention. I got so lost, books in hand —Lost my direction. It’s not what, you’re used to — Just wanna cross ring road. I’m angry at you (roused my aggression). I kicked a goose and I liked it. The sound of its stupid honking. I kicked a goose just to try it; I hope the vegans don’t mind it. It felt so wrong, it felt so right; no shit on my shoes tonight. I kicked a goose and I liked it (I liked it).
No, I don’t care that you have eggs. It doesn’t matter. I’ll bludgeon in your wobbly legs; just student nature, It’s not what good kids do — not how they should behave. My head gets so confused; hard to obey. These geese are so intractable — dead eyes, no brains, so kickable. Hard to resist, so beat-able. Too good to deny it. Ain’t no big deal, they deserve it.
It makes my heart sad to see so much violence in the world, which is why I’ve come up with the perfect plan for peace in the Middle-East — then hopefully the world, and the rest of the galaxy! It’s simple when you think about it, since religion is the root of many Middle-Eastern conflicts — just get everyone to convert to one religion! While it would be impossible to make everyone convert to either Islam, Judaism or Christianity, since the history between these groups is so charged, there is an obvious other option that may end up saving millions of lives and end conflict in the world once and for all! If you all join me and convert to Raelism, we can spread peace and love throughout the universe! Quite simply, we Raelians believe that all life on Earth
emerged from super intelligent beings in outer space, and in 2012 they will come back to earth and pick up the believers, taking us on an inter-stellar joyride to another world — and of course, leaving this shit-hole behind. Even the industry of war has a brighter alternative. Once we all join forces to worship aliens, we can spend all that money once used on guns and tanks to build our own spaceships to fly once E.T. gets here. So, Israelis, Palestinians, and, heck, anyone else stuck in a conflict that doesn’t seem likely to end in this lifetime, why not put down your weapons and join our beautiful religion, and we can all hold hands and get visits from aliens and stuff. It’ll be really cool, I promise.
Re: The white flag of surrender
the leash of The Man? What is it like to make your own decisions and be unfettered by the bias of the administration? What does self respect feel like? Will you teach us your ways?
— Samantha Fakeson
Aliens are the solution to Isreal-Palestine conflict
We thought we could bring it. We couldn’t. If we concede defeat, can we continue to scuttle about in the dark of MC, smelly and plagued by Teh Suck, but otherwise unhindered from here on out? — MathNEWS Re: Envy Dear Editor, how does it feel to be so free? So unconstrained by
— Palanian Alienaa
— Iron Warrior Re: You suck You are trash! You are trash! You are trash! — Hater McHaterson
Ask Shane Q. distractions@misprint.uwaterloo.ca
Shaniqua was busy this week, so she asked her good friend Professor Shane Q. Einstein to fill in and answer the pressing questions of Misprint readers. She is confident that, as a 73-year-old white man, he will offer just as much sass in his answers.
have given up on the strap. And dildo? Oh dear. I had to look that one up in the dictionary. I don’t know why you would bring up the city of Dildo, Newfoundland, honey, but it’s not for sale.
Dear Shane Q, I’m considering becoming a hooker. The money seems nice, and I do have an addiction to sex. Is this a bad idea?
Dear Shane Q, My girlfriend has an unfortunate condition called “being a judgmental bitch,” and talking to her is horrible. Am I justified in looking for conversation with nice women Dear reader, never underesti- elsewhere, or should I just suck it up mate the power of a warm cup and poke out my eardrums? of tea. With bourbon. Take a warm bath, put on some music, Thank goodness, reader, finally and I’m sure your worries will someone with a good head on melt away. Failing that, send his shoulders. Women aren’t me your address and number going to leave you alone until and I’ll see if I can’t help you you die. I should know: we out a little more. celebrated our 50th just last month. At this point in your life, it would be a good idea to Dear Shane Q, take up woodworking, a travelMy boyfriend has an unfortunate ing sales position, or drinking, condition called “micro-penis,” while you’re still sane. and sex is god-awful. Am I justified in looking for sex with well-endowed men elsewhere, our Dear Shane Q, should I just suck it up and buy a I recently posed nude for a newsquality dildo? paper pictorial, and I’ve been bitten by the exhibitionist bug. What Oh heavens, dear. You’re hav- are some outlets for my need to ing sex? Before tying the knot? have others see me nude? Well, first of all, I would sit down and have a good talk with It’s unfortunate that you didn’t your parents, who obviously include pictures in with this
question. Are you attractive? Is modeling a viable option? Send along some and perhaps we can decide what would be the best course of action.
Dear Shane Q, I want to sleep with my prof to get a good grade. How do I initiate this? P.S. we are both men, and I think he has a wife. In my day, when a man wanted another man, he had to go to a certain alley and talk to a certain bouncer to get into the back of a frozen meat truck. Not that I would know. You’re seducing professors these days? My word. Dear Shane Q, I’ve been looking for you all over campus, including frequent trips to the Misprint office, but you never seem to be there. Do you exist? Oh, an existentialist! How exciting. I remember reading the great classical metaphysical philosophers back in college. Have you read any Baudrillard? I highly recommend him. Am I here? Are you here? Is anything real? We can never know, can we. How I miss my youth…
AFTER THE MISSED CONNECTIONS I had been crushing on you all through PSCI 110 last term. ‘Til I met you. We decided to meet up at William’s after class one day. Got to know each other over a cup of steaming java. I neglected to notice in class that you’re reallllly obsessed with our prof. I wanted to hear about how interesting I and my life were, but instead I sat through painful descriptions of her luscious brown hair. So that’s why you talk so much in class.
and I was with mine, shy. Then I read your missed connection in Misprint. Well, it gave me the courage to talk to you next time and realize that you’re a total douchebag. Next time, don’t slap a girl’s ass the first time you talk to her.
You were the best friend that I always wanted to be and more. We talked every night and it killed me inside that I couldn’t tell you. I decided I had to, but I didn’t know how. As a last hope, I wrote you a missed conWe met at the bar but we didn’t nection. Well you got it and I finally get farther than making eyes at each realized my dream. For a while. After other. You were with your friends, a month or so, the sex just got weird.
You never told me about your extreme BDSM desires, and I never told you about my foot fetish. Now every time I see you, I imagine you flagellating yourself, old-Christian style, and we can’t even talk anymore. If I never told you I liked you, maybe I could have continued to live in your house and steal your peanut butter. I just had to confess, didn’t I? Maybe if you didn’t know how I felt when you danced around in your underwear, or that I was watching, you still would. Now I have to rely on my memories and hidden videos.
Campus Indiscretions
TECH TRASH iPhone touch So, this rag wants me to review a cellphone. ePhone? jPhone? Something like that, whatever. I grew up in a farmhouse, we didn’t even have a telephone, let along these newfangled cellthingys. Bull honkey, that’s what I say. You want to communicate over a distance? Use bird calls. That’s what they taught us in scouts — it was good enough for me, it’s certainly good enough for you! My editor tells me it can play videos, too. Heavens to Betsy! If I want to watch a video, I’ll just walk to the nearest penny arcade. Blu-Ray The Misprint editor handed me a disk yesterday. He said there was a movie on it? I tried fitting it onto my 16mm film projector — it didn’t work. Just like the black boxes with all that messy black tape inside, or those lasered disks. That’s the thing about all this crap: none of it works. World of to-morrow? I oughtta give my editor a pack of fives. Dolby Digital 3D
Dear mathNEWS, We wanted to make fun of you, but we realized that deep down, we loved you too much. Like, really — too much. Thanks for showing us a good time. Iron Warrior: What can we say, we get around. Love, kisses, and, y’know... stuff, Misprint
The moving pictures are fine, but the moving pictures are enough. I was skeptical when sound was added, but gradually I accepted the talkies. And colour. But now theatres are supposed to show movies in “3D”? Feh! They don’t know poop from applesauce. If I want to see far-away landscapes as if I was there, I’d just pull out my trusty old-fashioned stereoscope. Cheaper than the movies, and I don’t have to dress to the nines to use it. I ceased going out to the movies when the newsreels stopped, anyway. Nintendo Wii When they told me I had to pay 300 dollars to wrap my fingers around a Wii, I just about fainted. Why back in my day, if
you wanted to put your hands around a Wii all you had to do was hang out in the park after midnight. And most of the time you’d get money tossed at you, not pay it! These days its all about the highest voltage you had handle, the latex and the button mashing and what-not. I tell you, when I first got married all you needed was a hole in the sheets. Facebook Well I thought I understood this one, but I guess they’re doing the ol’ switcheroo where they take something an old fogey like me knows and understands and making it all technologically and hooking it up to the word wide web. My neice made me an account so I could see photos of their kids but gosh darn it I just can’t figure out for the life of me why it keeps telling me I’ve been poked. Frankly it makes me uncomfortable. Seems like every time I sign in there they’ve got it all rearranged, too. And I forgot my password. Google Latitude You know, back when I was a young man we fought wars so that someone couldn’t follow you around and know everything you do. You kids are so ready to give up the freedoms people fought and died for. No respect at all. I don’t get phone calls from my grandchildren either. We spent an hour and a half picking out the best darn pink QWERTY clamshell — I don’t even know what that is — and come Christmas morning, your poor grandmother waited by the phone all day just hoping to hear from you. Jessica, if you are reading this, call your grandmother. And Agatha, if you are reading this, give that daughter of yours a smack. Ungrateful little tart.
Peter reviews a Cathy comic This morning a funny thing happened to me while I was getting ready for school. Actually, a couple things happened. The first of these things was that I took a hard fall down my stairs and hit my head on the landing. It’s funny only because I was thinking about RoboCop, which Darren Aronofsky is actually making a remake of for 2010, when I got up today, and when I fell down the stairs I couldn’t help but think of the law enforcement droids, the ED-209s, from the original RoboCop, which if you recall also didn’t know how to take the stairs. ...Maybe you had to be there. Anyway, right after I got up (I was okay!) the second funny thing happened to me, though I don’t think they’re at all related. The funny thing is, I started to realize the brilliance of Cathy Guisewite, best known for her serial comic, Cathy. In hindsight, I can’t believe I didn’t realize
it earlier, but coming up with something original every week? That’s just a sign of restlessness, maybe even ADHD. The real mark of genius? Repeating the same basic joke or premise day after day, month after month, decade after decade, and getting away with it. And at 33 years and counting, Cathy belongs to an elect few comicists who’ve stood the test of time — never mind the ones who refused to give up their brilliance for mundane details like creativity or depth. And it gets better. I mean, Cathy isn’t the only comic to have achieved these heights. Family Circus, for one, has definitely stood the test of time, and without changing its note for a heartbeat. But there is a difference, and it’s a big one. After all, it’s easy to maintain that kind of constancy when your topic is stability itself. Stability of family, of love, of religion, of childhood. Some characters
in Family Circus are dead, and there’s never a moment’s doubt about where they ended up. Added bonus? Children never ask questions that don’t have easy or pretty answers. And no matter how complicated the path between point A and B, everyone always ends up where they’re supposed to go. What Cathy maintains, though, is much harder. In Cathy’s world, nothing is perfect. Threats exist everywhere — in shoes, in desserts, in ambiguous signals from the opposite sex. And there are certain horrible certainties, too — the inevitability of soul-sucking work, clothes that don’t fit, weight that just won’t go away. Coffee helps. Giving in to the occasional vice helps. But in the end, title character Cathy lives in a world held to a level of anxiety that offers no real hope of release. With the exact same crises played out day in and day out in her world, there
Diverse wall hated by many Ima Stoopet Ijit, Dana Porter
The renovation of Dana Porter included a glass wall full of inspirational quotes in French, English, German, Latin, Spanish, and Mandarin, intended to promote diversity. Instead, the wall has sparked ire among campus special interest groups, all of whom are saying the wall “promotes discrimination,” “works to create a poisoned environment,” and “constitutes a clear violation of university policy 33.” “What, no love for the Middle East?” said history major Abbud Hassan. “We’re just the cradle of civilization, but I guess that doesn’t matter to this university administration.” Retorted Chinese issues columnist Yang Liu, “The Middle East doesn’t need a quote. UW built a whole campus for them.” Liu
continued, “Well, they have a token Mandarin phrase, so I’m placated.” Liu’s viewpoint was in the minority, however. Many oncampus groups are insistent that in the interest of diversity, one quote from each of the world’s 6,700 languages should have been included, and several on campus groups noted the absence of Punjabi, Arabic, Kanuri, Russian, and Japanese were especially striking. “What, are they discriminating against fictional languages now?” said third year film major, Comic Book Guy. “Where’s the Klingon? Where’s the high Elvish? Where’s the Minbari?” “Worst. Renovation. Ever.” The charge of discrimination rang even among those whose language was included. “Why is the English text bigger than the French?” asked
Jacques Parizeau, president of Friends for Quebecois Rights. “This is yet another example of Ontario’s anglo-centric society suppressing French culture.” It isn’t Misprint’s policy to comment, but it should be noted that Parizeau was not speaking with irony when he mentioned the idea of Quebec having “culture.” WPIRG’s board of directors remained silent, except for the following comment: “It would have been better if all the phrases were English. At least then the university wouldn’t have been so goddamned pretentious.” The wall has ignited controversy with overly politically correct douchebags all over campus, with the campaign being led with the battlecry: “DANA PORTER, TEAR DOWN THIS WALL!”
is no doubt that Cathy is our modern-day Sisyphus, pushing her own boulder of heartache and lovehandles right up that hill every single day, only to find herself at the end of the day right back where she started. So the next time you see her cry out in frustration, mouth gaping and hair all askew, take a moment in reverent pause. After all, she isn’t saying anything we don’t all think every day of our lives — whether it be over shoes, or coffee, or desserts, or our mothers. Hey, maybe even give her plucky approach to life a shot yourself. Shout it at the top of your lungs. Shout it at the slightest thing that goes wrong in your day-to-day life. Shout it every time. Here, I’ll get you started: AAAAAAAAAAAACK! Ah, that felt good. My head still hurts from that fall, but at least it makes for a good close I can use over and over and over again in the years to come. AAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
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Exploring penile nomenclature Let’s talk manners. It’s essential to give penes the respect they deserve, especially during dirty talk. It’s been scientifically proven that overuse of the word “penis” while giving your earthly lover a hot beef injection can lead to a rustic and, frankly, boring bedroom experience. The Tom Cruise spin on things — “Penis! Penis! Big fucking erect penis! Penis!” — is a step forward but still failing to meet the key requirements. To help you in your bedroom adventures — because the thesaurus is really no help — below I have compiled an exhaustive list of words unanimously validated by the scientific community as effective and appropriate alternatives for referring to your reproductive organ. Phallus. Member. Pecker. Prick. Lethal Lumber. Love Log. Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile. Throbbing Python of Love. Mr. Happy. Crank Shaft. Penetrator. Hank. Hunk. Chunk. Organ. Pipe. Willy. John Thomas. Tom Johnson. Trouser Snake. Schlong. Spam Javelin. Pork sword. Skin flute. Bazooka. Blowpop. Trouser Troll. The Little General. Blueveined Pumpit Junkit. Purpleheaded Womb-ferret. All-Natural
Yogurt Cannon. Tube Steak. Night Brigade. Throbber. Mr. Investigator. The Avenger. Love Pump. Man Drill. Tunneler. Yard Arm. Pole Axe. Greaser. Lubricator. Magic Stick. Thunder Bolt. El Comandante. My Third Leg. Pocket Rocket. Bald-header Butler. Dart of Love. Dingle-dangle. Dragon. Giggle Stick. Gravy Maker. Jack in the Box. Johnny One-eye. Joy Stick. Lamp of Life. Master of Ceremonies. Meat Hook. Mister Goodwrench. One-eyed Night Crawler in the Turtleneck Sweater. Trouser Trout. Pendulum. Pocket Piccolo. Purple-helmeted Warrior of Love. Rolling Pin. Russell the Wonder Muscle. St. Peter’s Salami. The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Schwartz. Cyclops. Ron Weasley. Fist of Justice. My Little Pony. Santa’s Little Helper. Obelisk. Uncle Reamus. Beaver Cleaver. Mantronix. Meat Piston. Plunger. Lightsaber. Steed. Bruce Almighty. Vlad the Impaler. If you’re feeling flustered and unable to creatively express yourself while stuffing your lover’s turkey, please e-mail me or meet with me in the Misprint office Mondays, 11:00 a.m. to 12:00 p.m. for some business time.
Anya’s Bedroom Cheat SheetTM
STUDENT SHOCKER! UW students shocked we have sports teams; saddened that they suck When Misprint discovered that UW has sports teams, this reporter was shocked. I took this information to the streets to see if anyone else had heard this news. Of course it came as no surprise that no one knew about these “Warriors.” After a little bit of digging, we discovered even worse news: not only has no one heard of these sports teams, but they also don’t win anything. Misprint sat down with one of the hockey players to find out why they don’t win, if they exist. “Well, um, we like, don’t win very often. But like, we try pretty hard, I guess,” said Jocke McBeefcake, sixth-year Rec & Leisure student.
When we asked some students around campus what they thought, now that they knew about our sports teams, we had some varied responses. Some cared just as little knowing we had sucky sports teams as they did before they knew. We asked second year mathie Liu Chang what he thought of our teams, and he responded:“摆脱 我白男孩.”Wise words. Now that campus is aware of the sports teams, we asked John Q. Schlushenheimer if he will be attending any more games than he did before. “Fuck no!” A sentiment, it seems, shared by the entire student body.
FASHION FEVER! MOUSTACHE MANIA Misprint looks into this season’s facial fixes. And they’re hot!!!
Top 10 Penile Alternatives
1. Vlad the Impaler 2. Throbbing Python of Love 3. Ron Weasley 4. Purple-headed Womb-Ferret 5. All-Natural Yogurt Cannon 6. Heat-Seeking Moisture Missile 7. Dingle-Dangle 8. Johnny One-Eye 9. My Little Pony 10. Russel the Wonder Muscle
“This one is sure to engage the ladies.”
The Broomstick
— Allan Babor, incoming Feds President
“It shorts my circuits.” — Adel Sedra, dean of engineering
The French Tickler
MISSprint Girl
This week’s MISSprint is first year Rec & Leisure girl Michelle D. We asked Michelle about some of her favourite things. What is your favourite animal, and why? Well, I love tigers, because they are feisty, like me! Who would you like to be Prime Minister? Well, we’ve got Obama, right? What is your perfect date like? Well, first our eyes would meet from across Fubar, and then he would buy me a shot, and the rest will be a blur. Oh and if he chips in for the morning after pill that would be great too. What is your favourite colour? Pink. I love everything pink! Boys are always asking to see my pink stuff, so I guess guys like pink too! What is your favourite class? Oh I never go to those things.