INCREDIBLE MASTER TREASURE HUNTERS #1

Herecords presents:

Incredible Master Treasure Hunters!

Music—Movies—Video Games—Books—Saddles

Concrete Blonde— Still Bloodletting!

My Kung -FU 12 Kicks?

The Rocky Horror Picture Show More than just a reason to throw bread

Christopher Gordon!

http://www.donkeyshines.com

These days we are bombarded by so many MP3‟s pilfered from other people‟s crappy flash drives or still lingering on the hard drive from the glorious days when Napster was legal, that its hard to figure out what to listen to anymore. Even with shuffle and Apple‟s magical genius it can be difficult to sort the rubbish from the regal. Also, sometimes you just need people to tell you what to like and what not to. That‟s where a magazine like this comes in.

In addition to reviewing new music and music that may be new to you from the past, we pledge to love honor and serve you are the listener. Concerned that you like Lionel Richine too much?

Maybe you do, but you‟re not alone AND YOU SHOULD NOT BE ASHAMED. This is the first issue of what may turn out to be a terrible disaster in many people‟s lives, or it just may be

MAGICAL.

Editor

Look at this stupid clip art you can expect more.

Concrete Blonde “Bloodletting”

Don‟t be frightened by the Gothic imagery and talk of vampires.

What awaits within this record is not so much morbid as mucho melon-flavored music. It is both sweet and containing a rough rind on the exterior.

The album opens with a sinister pubrockfish anthem regarding Vampyres and blood . It sounds like it could be the next official song of the 2010 World Cup if held in Transylvania, but as soon as Johnette Napoliano‟s rich, world-weary voice emerges , the tone turns more erotic and silky/scary. “The Sky is a Poisonous Garden” follows with a frenzy of hellfire. From that point the album seems to emerge from night into an Arizona trailer park with ethereal sky sounds echoing off tight guitars and aching vocals.

“The Darkening of the Light” features circling complementary vocals that dance like the painted skeletons on the cover of one of “Mexican Moon” - another album of theirs.

Plunging further into the Heart of Darkness like Martin Sheen, we enter a sultry land of drums and the pace slows to a ritualistic mantra. The rest of the song s are more in line with radio-flirty evil rock/pop, catchy and solid.

Of course most will recognize alternative radio staple “Joey” which will annoy Concrete Blonde fans who cherish the rest of the album, and I would say if you like what you hear in “Joey” you will probably like the other layers and rooms and Persian rugs hung in this mansion of a record.

Napolitano‟s most recent effort is Sketchbook 3 , a hard-hitting experience, raw and razor-sharp yet retaining the textures and colors of a Grackle in twilight. It looks like she still inhabits a world of half-light and subtle beauty, with melancholic music that wakes up angry and flies into a sepia sky. Find it on CDbaby. com (or click the picture)

A Rumination of Fleetwood Mac's Catalog by a Cactus “Tell me lies - tell me sweet

The music retains a sateen sheen - the gloss of seventies mix board little lies.!” - Fleetwood Mac - old analog needles jumping like Hello, I am a cactus, and in my rock star genitals off the scales post by the stereo, I am privy to the when Stevie Nicks suddenly complete collected works of Fleetwood screams out something like “I Mac as per my caretaker's preferences. WANT MORE BLACK LACE!” .

I have heard many of their tunes, and Cacti are not promiscuous, and only now do I feel compelled to release cannot relate to the secret workmy personal impressions. ings of a band that sleeps together and plays together. But I do not have eyes, but I heard comstill though, I want to buy a ments in the sitting room regarding dream-catcher and hang it in Mick Fleetwoods odd facial expressions memory of these songs - Chriswhilst drumming his drums. They tine McVie is the best songwriter range from "I'm in the groove" to "what of them. However, she does not was just placed in me that shouldn't make bizarre expressions when have been!". she plays piano.



CHOMICS CHORNER

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Music From The Motion Picture If you‟ve never seen this movie, too bad.

If you‟ve seen it but not really “seen it” as in go to a crazy midnight showing with people acting out all the parts and other random weirdness going on, too bad. If you‟ve “been it”, awesome man.

But even if you don‟t care to see a movie about a time and space-travelingtrans-sexual transvestite train wreck terror, don‟t miss out on the music. The film is a musical , so if you don‟t like musicals you may be displeased, but this record is preety-preety-preety great on its own.

The year was 1975, and the lime-lit influence of Ziggy Stardust and glam still hung thick like last night‟s panties around the ankles of a New York Dolls groupie. The blazing distorted guitars and “go for it” drum beats glisten with seventies porn sweat.

The first track is nice, kind of dreamy and mellow, a little bit like Bowie‟s “Drive-in Saturday”, and really with the same lyrical theme pretty much.

The rest of the songs are a bit like “Grease” meets Mott the Hoople, and lots of fun. There is an overall spirit of Rock „n‟ Roll that tastes unsullied and pure. Perhaps the idea that even aliens like to rock is an appealing possibility to those who say “rock „n‟ roll will never die”.

The last few songs are rather schmaltzy and tend to feel a bit like the low you get after a good drunkenness, but overall this was a great $1.00 purchase from the Goodwill record box.

Free Classical Listening Review "Circa" (2008) by Christopher Gordon Christopher Gordon is known more for his film and television scores than he is for his prolific concert music career. He's composed the TNT TV version of Moby Dick starring Patrick Stewart, Master and Commander, On the Beach, and more recently, the Popular vampire film, Daybreakers. An Australian composer outside of the factory mold of current Hollywood, excluding the golden and silver and bronze agers still hanging on, Christopher Gordon is a self taught composer, orchestrating and conducting by himself. His style is not minimalist or a fusion, like so many of today's classical inspired composers are, but a direct outgrowth of Romanticism, which is very refreshing to hear in an increasingly rhythm and electronica based orchestral landscape.

This review shall focus on some music that's free to the ear and thus free to hear from his website, christophergordon.net. The commission was in 2008 from the National Museum of Australia. The work, entitled Circa, is a four movement work for orchestra. It's a programmatic work reminiscent of GrofĂŠ's Grand Canyon suite in it's pastoral beauty, it's use of melody and variation to describe beauty in nature is very effective to these ears. Following the birth of the continent, Australia, to Australia today, Gordon takes us on a journey of the heart which really shows off what this composer thinks of his homeland's history. I highly recommend anyone with a soft heart and an analytical mind go to Christopher Gordon's page now and take advantage of the composer's free page showcasing the very personal ode to Australia. The full url is,http://christophergordon.net/Circa.html *****/***** -Jesse Hopkins

Congratulations on our One-Millionth Issue !

One Million Issues!? We did that!? Maybe!!!!

How many exclamation points can you use before your mind explodes internally!!!!!!!!

Technically this is our first issue, but it is possible that reincarnation exists, and if so I bet we would all have been involved in something like this in a previous life. One can only imagine that 0ver time we would have made about 999,999 Issues, so happy one Millionth!

We can only hope for another eighty trillion issues, no matter what galaxy or even parallel universe we are in when next we are re-incarnated.

Yay! THE STAFF

Movies can be Great Incredible Master Beggars (AKA My Kung Fu 12 Kicks)

Now this film truly has it all— romance, fighting, deceit, and a man who can kick so freaking hard that the raw power of it knocks a cotton puff off the top a a pole!

A cheap 1982 movie from Hong Kong, complete with masterful vocal overdubbing, this film follows the misadventures of two unfortunate ne‟r-do-wells who run afoul of a giant bald angry warrior who knows “Iron Skin” technique. This method allows a hard kick to the nads with no apparent pain.

A moody old rickshaw driver turns out to be a master of kung fu and teaches his techniques. His sense of humor is strange, as he enjoys almost spilling a needed medicine.

After the medicine is recovered, the man who was trying to mix it with hot water apologizes to the rickshaw driver in what has to be one of the oddest apologies in cinematic history. Also at one point this same man makes a strange high-pitched sound that is incomprehensible. GREAT!

The Joke’s Are On Us! 1. My real estate agent asked me what I intend to sell my house for. I said "Becasue if I'm buying a new one, well I won't be needing two!"

2. The other day I saw our local pelican and I asked "Why do you have such a big mouth?" He said " Because I eat big fish."

I got mad and I said "That doesn't explain why you have been telling everyone about my secret motorcycle!"

3. The King owned a throne made of bone. One day someone borrowed it. The King yelled "Own your own bone throne !

Moan moan! Alone my zone is disowned of the lone throne prone to be shown to the old crone!

4. There's a new kind of pie called pie pie. Its just pie crust in pie crust. Its not very good but its the purest form of pie.

5. My friends once had a garbage can with "Dead Rats" written on the side. I asked them why they need a barrel for that they said it's actually filled with gold! I stole it but I guess "gold" was the name of their pet rat that died. Still, I regret

nothing.

6. Some in my neighboorhood think I'm nuts. They keep trying to bury me.

Damn squirrels!

Product Reviews———The Ibizia from Haier This little wonderbox was made to be used with the Rhapsody streaming music service. It also boasts some extras like an "internet browser" and "photo viewing", as well as the David Lynch-enraging phenomenon of motion picture watching on a small portable device.

You may notice some of the above features were written with quotations, which was no accident, as these features don't really compare to the same on something like a real laptop computer or iPod touch. No, these are more like the juvenile fella is trying to be like big brother iPod but doesn't quite measure up yet. The photos look like some psychedelic filter has been used, and the video looks like a cut-scene from Outrun or Afterburner.

As for the Rhapsody feature, its wonderful to have access to millions of albums as long as you are near a wi-fi connection and have a subscription, but you need to be very near the wi-fi hotspot, and Rhapsody is still rather buggy at this point, often pausing, or just quitting, refusing to play another song, going on strike, pouting in the tub with some marmalade and toast.

The best thing about this little device is the 30 Gigabyte hard drive with which you can store your own mp3's—either subscription tracks from Rhapsody that expire if you don't pay your bill, or your own files you made from your CD's or whatever. The audio output is solid too and overall the sound is great. Damn the devil in the details of the so-called "extras" :-: BUT if you are looking for a meaty hard drive and just listening, you may want to buy one.

Above: The Ibizia , in this case, a black one.

Movie Ending Romance

EP—by Math and Physics Club

This record is quite nice. In what way? Well, if you like bands like The Smiths or Don Lennon you will be pleased by the melodic guitar-based pop. There is a certain charm to the laid-back yet urgent vocal deliveries. “Graduation Day” is particularly nice, like a bike ride in France in the spring.

“Everybody Lies” sounds a bit like something from “Viva Hate” with a thick, pellucid guitar meandering along the banks of the tune, like Ringo in “Hard Day‟s Night”.

http://www.luxuriamusic.com

Wear your seatbelt idiot!

Seatbelts are for your safety.

A message from the Safety Tiger

WWW.HERECORDS.COM

Your place for nice MP3’s that are free and good for you.

Visit Ottawa, Canada!

It’s the capitol and look how nice it is! http://www.ottawa.ca

Shari Elf—”I'm Forcing Goodness Upon You “ I remember one day in the windy and dusty alleys of Kansas City , when I was sipping espresso and eating iced creams, that the music of Shari first touched my eardrum. I was impressed.

It was an outdoor performance, and her sweet yet reasonable voice drifted far and wide.

The CD is a collection of delights upon which to aurally munch. This ain‟t no big-time Los Angeles fancyboy studio polished-up Kenny Loggins crap, this is the real honey from the cliff hive in the Persian wilds. I don‟t know what I mean by that, but its good music and its “outsider” in the best way. She also makes some kick-ass art and rocks the world in Art Queen gallery in Joshua Tree California. Check out the Crochet Museum if in town.

http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/sharielf

Don‟t take it from me—listen to the song samples man!

Puddles’ Corner What‟s “Hot” and “Not” in the life of Puddles Hot! Petula Clark…she is always amazing Herman’s Hermits “I‟m into Something Good” is a brilliant pop song Sam Cooke. Holy Goodness! Also, perfect for summer Bob Seger. “Still The Same” Bob Seger continues to climb up the “Hot Charts”. Well done, Bob. Nancy Sinatra “You only live twice”. Brilliant!

Ray Charles “Mint Julep” What Ray Charles touches becomes gold.

Not! Elton John! If I hear “Rocketman” one more time, I‟m going to stab myself.

Jimmy Buffet. Proof that evil is a real thing.

James Taylor. Jesus are you real? Did you die for my Sins? The existence of this man Challenges my Faith!

Don McLean! AHHHH I can take no more. Death to my system! Mercy!

Also, who is this little Justin Beiber f^%$#? I have not heard any of his songs, and I refuse to believe that he is real.

Till next time, Puddles

Don’t forget— bring that little pet to the Vet! Veterinarians have all sorts of things they do for your pet’s health. Don’t worry about it too much, just do it. For them.

Let’s keep life safe kids.

http://www.chrisroberts-antieau.com/000_home.html

SAFETY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reviews of Movies I Have not Even Seen With Ryan Klemek

Rocky IV (Remake) July 6th, 2010

In adding to the Rocky canon, there are two obvious choices: make another sequel, (which was done as recently as four years ago withRocky Balboa), or remake the original 1976 film. What nobody saw coming was a remake of the culturally dated 1985 sequel Rocky IV. By skipping a reboot of the entire franchise and going straight for a specific chapter, writer/director David Cox-Arquette parodies Hollywood‟s self-professed “remake hysteria” with zaniness and bat-shot irony. The brilliant casting of Mr. T as Rocky prevents further directors from following in his foot steps by insuring that a Rocky III remake is all but impossible. Additionally, Cox-Arquette‟s other casting choices are sure to amuse and confuse anyone nostalgic about the original cold war classic. Dolph Lundgren dons black-face makeup to play Apollo Creed, 64-year-old Talia Shire reprises her role as Adrian Balboa, and Ellen DeGeneres (in drag) plays the ghost of coach Mickey Goldmill. The Daily Show„s Aasif Mandvi plays the film‟s main antagonist as a part what may be Cox-Aquette‟s boldest and most entertaining directorial decision. Following in recent remake tradition, the Russian menace of the 80′s is replaced with the

more currently relevant threat of Islamic terrorism. However, Afghanistan‟s “Great Brown Hope” is inexplicably still named Ivan Drogo!

Punch for punch, the action sequences in Rocky IV leave any previous Rocky movie in the dust. Mr. T is as ripped as he‟s ever been, and Mandvi‟s swift footwork required the film crew to actually speed up the camera in order to capture his lightning-quick moves. The boxing, however, is not the reason to see this film. Cox-Aquette throws twist after twist at his unsuspecting audience, asking more questions than he answers, but always satisfying with sharp whit and intense drama. And also boobs. Talia Shire may not have the figure she did in 1985, but her devoted fans have nothing to complain about. The best part is how the classy nude scene is tied into the film‟s climax. Adrian Balboa causes the necessary 15th-round diversion by flashing her mature rack at Drogo while Rocky delivers the knock-out blow. Classy stuff.

Stay tuned for our FALL issue!

There will be pictures of sofas!

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