IN Other Words

by Becky Slatten

Dear Santa,

HEY THERE, BIG GUY! How’s it going up there at the North Pole? I’m guessing you’re crazy busy getting ready for Christmas morning but, with all of the weirdness going on in the world, I just have a few questions…

Is there a mask mandate on the North Pole? I’d hate to think those poor little elves have to wear a mask all day long while they make toys; that’s just elf abuse in my opinion. Are you experiencing any staffing shortages? Do you typically employ

over 100 elves? And because you do business in the United States, are the elves subject to the OSHA vaccine requirements? Are you impacted by inflation, and do you have adequate inventory going into the toy-making season? I certainly hope you stocked up on supplies last year because otherwise your shipment of tiny hammers and candy canes is likely sitting on a container ship idling off the coast of California. These are some important questions for the dicey times we’re living in, and all I know is there better not be a coal shortage this December because there’s a whole bunch of people who should be waking up to a big load of it on Christmas morning. I’m inclined to believe that Washington, D.C. will be knee-deep in it on December 25, along with parts of China and Australia.

It’s obviously not your fault, but we really could’ve done without a visit from Miss Ida in the middle of all this other craziness (though we did get to suspend Covid for about three weeks, which was nice). I used to think that Ida was such a sweet little grandma name but this old broad rolled into town and wrecked the place. I’m sure you’re inundated with letters from Louisiana children asking for a new roof, or possibly a whole new house, and also for the price of gasoline, labor and building materials to come down, so your help with that would be great. Thanks. Natural disasters never fail to showcase the best and the worst aspects of human nature; along with the saints who always just magically appear with hot meals and chain saws, the hurricane winds also never fail to blow in a bunch of fraudsters and price gougers, so we’re gonna need a load of coal down here, too.

I’m not asking for much this Christmas, Santa, really just the eradication of Covid, an outstanding new LSU head coach, an uninterrupted supply chain, an unbiased media, the end of government overreach and overspending, civility in political debate, the protection of our personal freedoms and respect for our Constitution—all delivered with a healthy dose of common sense into the stocking of every elected official. And, of course, don’t forget the coal.

Merry Christmas and God Bless America!