In my skin

A special issue dedicated to shedding light on difficult, unique topics or giving a voice to those who don’t often speak out.

SPECIAL EDITION

IN MY SKIN

2 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014

About this special edition...

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view — until you climb into his skin and walk around in it.”

Atticus Finch,

Harper Lee’s “To Kill a Mockingbird”

N

ewspapers are here to get information out to the masses, and there are a million and one ways that we share that information. Should we share some bite-sized statistics? Should we cover a fundraiser for a local nonprofit trying to raise awareness about a topic? Should we write an editorial?

Yes. But so much more.

Topics like mental health issues, body issues, sexuality, gender identity or cultural differences are important. But they’re also really hard to quantify, to wrap up in a nice bow and present to the public. Every story is different. Every journey has bumps that someone else couldn’t even fathom. These are issues that are hard to talk about, and even harder to understand.

But we should be talking about them more, and that’s why we developed “In My Skin” — a special issue dedicated to shedding light on difficult, unique topics or giving a voice to those who don’t often speak out.

This isn’t just another issue. These are stories about people from all walks of life.

Hopefully, you’ll read something that will make you think in a way you never have before. Or maybe you’ll read a perspective all too familiar, and it reassures you that you’re not alone.

Either way, we hope you enjoy this celebration of life.

— The Independent Collegian staff

EDITORIAL TEAM Editing and Design Alexandria Saba, Danielle Gamble, Morgan Rinckey, Amanda Eggert Photos and Art Nicole Badik Cover Art Jackie Kellett Copy Editors Lauren Gilbert, Jared Hightower Contributers Paris Black, Lauren Bridgewater, Tiara Green, Joe Heidenescher, Jessica Liner, Sohan Mutha, Amanda Pitrof Adviser Erik Gable “In My Skin” is a special edition published by The Independent Collegian, a student newspaper dedicated to serving the University of Toledo’s community.

The Independent Collegian is published by the Collegian Media Foundation, a private, not-for-profit corporation. © 2014

STUDENT PERSPECTIVES

What is an experience in which you felt odd or different?

“I felt odd when I was in Catholic school and I didn’t believe in a religion. When we would have after-school communion classes, I would always sleep through them. The nuns would always be mad at me.”

JOEY UTTER First-year Business

“When I went to Clay High School my freshman year, I didn’t fit in because I didn’t have anything in common with the people that were there. When I went to TSA [Toledo School for the Arts], it felt more like a family-oriented place because everyone had their own special talent and no one was better than anyone else.”

TIFFANY CURRY First-year Accounting

“In eighth-grade gym when I was one of only two guys that had leg hair. I felt so awkward and misunderstood because I didn’t understand why no one else had hairy legs.”

COLLIN FOLK First-year Computer science and engineering technology

“Freshman year at Central Catholic [High School], before I tried out for cheerleading, everyone had gone to a Catholic elementary school except me. Everyone had their own cliques and I felt left out. When I joined cheerleading though, I made friends.”

BRI WALKER Second-year Early childhood education

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 | The Independent Collegian |

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COMMENTARY

Fatherless daughter:

How I overcame his absence and started to believe in myself PARIS BLACK IC COLUMNIST

At the age of 5, I asked my mom what I did wrong to make my father not want me. My mom told me, when I was old enough to understand, how much she cried at night because of this.

I used to blame myself, and sometimes even my mom, for his absence when I saw other kids with their fathers. For years I didn’t even know his name. My family wouldn’t even say it; he was referred to as my sperm donor.

I remember coming home one day to him, my little brother Robbie and his mom sitting on the couch. It was the most awkward day of my life. I sat next to him, but stared straight at my mother while he asked me questions about my life. It was like talking to a stranger, which was exactly what he was.

I saw him twice after that, when I was 10 and again when I was 18 at my high school graduation. I accepted the fact that I didn’t have, nor would I ever have, a father in my life; I had an occasional dad.

The typical African-American broken home is what people would say I lived in. Your cliché “little girl growing up without her father,” is how I was labeled and sympathized with.

By the time I got to high school, I made myself realize that my father’s absence wouldn’t affect me. I needed to be able to look at myself in the mirror every day and not blame myself.

It wasn’t until I got to college that I realized how much my father’s nonexistence really damaged me. Growing up, I allowed my first boyfriend to manipulate me into believing that I was stupid, that love included mental and physical abuse and deceit was the new truth. He told me everything I wanted to hear to make me feel special so he could get what he wanted — and made me think it was what I wanted, too.

Never having a father to show me the affection I desired made me assume the way my ex-boyfriend treated me was how I was supposed to be treated. For a year I let him tear me down until I wasn’t what he wanted anymore. But I continued to allow other men to do the same thing in the years to come.

Society justified my actions when songs and there was no turning back for me. like “No Daddy” by Teairra Marí came My mom would tell me that shutting him out. I ran with the idea that having no faout was an OK thing to do, and I didn’t have ther around me was reason to act out. I to let him in. I was hurt, and I believed her. I adapted to promiscuity, commitment isdon’t think she lied to me, but she definitely sues and indestructible emotional walls. didn’t tell me the whole truth.

Research shows that a father’s love is an I think single mothers have a protecimportant factor in predicting the social, tion mechanism to comfort their chilemotional and cognitive development dren; mothers will do what it takes to and functioning of children and young make their children feel better. adults. For me, that is true. I knew I I’m 22 years old, and it’s been 8 years wasn’t the first person to live life fathersince I’ve had a concrete relationship. I less, but it was as if I felt like I was going push people away and shut people out so through it alone. much that it’s become a subconscious About 43 percent of U.S. children live in fatherless homes.

“Once I got older, nobody ever asked Studies indicate a significant rate at which how I felt about my father not being fatherless boys and girls are twice as likearound. I just assumed that maybe ly to drop out of high they felt that I was old enough school or end up in jail. They are four to deal with it on my times more likely to own, but I had need help for emotional or behavioral never dealt problems. with it at I was just what people expected me all.” to be — another statistic.

Once I got older, nobody ever asked how I felt about my father’s not being around. I just assumed that maybe they felt that I was old enough to deal with it on my own, but I had never dealt with it at all.

My brother and sister would use it as an insult when we’d fight with one another as kids — “That’s why your dad left!”

Those words would haunt me in broad daylight. I’d spend so much time and energy making up excuses as to why he left and telling myself that he’d come back for me. I thought everything would be just fine; the crazy thing is that he did come back, but everything wasn’t fine.

I’d catch myself pushing him away or not wanting him around. I wanted to hate him for letting me cry at night. I was aching for him and felt like everything he said was bullcrap because that’s what I was used to hearing from guys. It got to the point when I just shut him out completely

effort. Not having affection from a father figure led me to crave affection from any man who would give it to me. That usually didn’t end positively.

People would consistently tell me that I had to make amends with my father, and that forgiving him would heal my heart.

Saying it aloud sounded stupid, but in reality it was just what I need.

I reached out to my father, expressed how I felt and had both of us in tears. It was a moment that I feel every fatherless child should experience. When you keep contaminating emotions that are harboring inside, it creates a toxic mindset and destroys you as a person. Finding peace in your life will allow you to be able to be truly happy with yourself.

Paris Black is a fourth-year majoring in English.

4 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014 GENDER IDENTITY

Body in transition:

By Amanda Pitrof Associate News Editor

Editor’s note: This story contains language that may be offensive to some readers.

Vivienne Pope woke up earlier than usual on a winter morning about four months ago. She had to get up early — on top of preparing for a final exam that day, she had to do her hair, finish her makeup and pick out just the right pair of high heels.

A jitter of nerves ran through her stomach as she prepared for the day, but it wasn’t the exam that was stressing her. It was that she was preparing to publicly reveal a difficult-to-deal-with secret to a room full of her peers.

The secret: she’s transgender.

Vivienne Pope, which is not her legal name, is still transitioning to who she wants to be. And it has been a long, hard road that began when she was around age 11.

At the time, she did not have the appropriate words to explain how she felt. What

THe journey of a transgender student

she pieced together was from sources that The pair had even made plans to move in cast a bad light on being transgender. together during summer, but on Dec. 23, “I had a very negative image of it,” she 2009, Pope’s fiancée was hit by a drunk said, “so I tried my very best for a very long driver and killed. time to pretend it wasn’t ‘that way.’”

“It’s been a few years; I’ve made peace To try to fix being with it. I’m not happy transgender, Pope particiabout it, of course,” she pated in stereotypically “It’s been a few years; trailed off, looking masculine extracurricuagain. “That put I’ve made peace with down lars, like football, hunting a real halt on me wantit. I’m not happy and weightlifting. ing to do anything at “I did everything I all. I stopped even atabout it, of course,” could think of to go, tempting or thinking she trailed off, look‘Yes, I am totally, defiabout transitioning. I ing down again. nitely not what I think was bitter and angry.”

I am,’” she said.

It wasn’t until the recent “That put a real halt Her perspective did reentry of an old high on me wanting to not change until senior school friend into her life year of high school, that Pope was encouraged do anything at all. when Pope injured herto open up more.

I stopped even atself weightlifting during “She actually dragged tempting or thinking me to my first shopfootball practice. Being bedridden for six ping trip in almost four about transitionmonths gave her more years, because like, ing. I was bitter and than adequate time to ‘Look, you’re too damn angry.” “look at the internet mopey. We’re dragging and surf around and you somewhere.’” find things.”

By the summer of This new knowledge was brought with 2011, Pope became comfortable enough her when she began attending Baker to be open with her gender identity evCollege in Owosso, Mich., and met a erywhere. Except at home — her family new friend. was another story.

“She was really accepting, actually knew “For a long while, they were almost an more about it than I did, and she was the every-Sunday kind of church family,” one who took me into it,” Pope said.

Pope said.

Her first “outing” was on the Hallow“My mom has been outspoken,” she een of 2007. Pope’s friend thought it said, “incredibly disparaging. I’ve heard would be a good idea for her to enter a her say things about people in my situacostume contest. They announced Pope, tion that I wouldn’t repeat in front of sailstanding up on the stage in front of the ors. Terrible things.” crowd, and didn’t explain what her cosHer dad and brother are not much better, tume at the time was.

Pope said.

“There were three or four people you “Apparently, where my dad works there is could hear in the crowd, ‘She’s not somebody who is transitioning, and my wearing one!’” she said, eyes lighting up dad refers to him as ‘that damn fag in a as she recalled the moment. “Okay, dress.’ That’s the polite thing he says.” that’s cool. That is a supportive thing Pope said her brother finds it diffifor me to hear.” cult to deal with even “standard” gay or But after a year at Baker College, Pope lesbian people. had to move back home to care for her “I’ve been — not directly told, but it’s mother, who was having yet another surpretty easy to infer, given my family — that gery. It was around then that Pope met if they were to find out, I probably wouldn’t her ex-fiancée. have a house. At all. Or family,” Pope said “It was almost nine months, [and] we matter-of-factly. were already talking about what hap“When I’m at home, when I’m at a place pens when we get married and all of I can’t be me, there’s almost this sense of this,” she said. foreboding. You’ve seen spy movies. … I’m

totally suspicious about practically everything,” she said.

It’s these struggles that make her transition difficult. There’s a worry her parents will discover something, or that someone from college will make a comment, and it will give her away.

The fear of being found out has led her to keep her clothes in the trunk of her car, which Pope jokes is “a rolling wardrobe.”

Her family, unfortunately, is not the only group she has to hide from. The family’s doctor is good friends with Pope’s mother.

“If I were to say, ‘Oh hey, by the way, what’s this about estrogen and hormone therapy?’ [my mom] would know within five minutes.”

And hormone therapy isn’t cheap; Pope said her research includes a budget of $75 every two or three weeks just for hormones, not including a visit to an endocrinologist every six months. Without help from her parents and a good insurance company, it is not an option for her.

“It’s one of those futures that I look

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 | The Independent Collegian | at, it’s like, ‘If I had a little bit more money coming in, or had a safer place,’ or something like that, it’d be easier, and I would gladly do so. But for the moment I have to pretty much deal with how it stands,” Pope said.

Hormone therapy is only one of the many expenses associated with transitioning, though. Voice lessons are often wanted for those who wish for more feminine voices, because estrogen doesn’t raise the voice like testosterone lowers it.

Sometimes it’s the simple things like voice pitch, or the way of walking, or how to hold one’s hands, that some of her friends — whom she laughingly referred to as “trainers” — try to help her figure out via text messages.

“When we’re out together, I will actually get a text message: ‘You’re doing this

“I know people don’t mean to be mean about it,” she said, “but it’s very hard to, even around campus, not sit there and eat lunch without seeing three, or four, or five people walk by and stare. There’ll be that… ‘[What] the hell is that?’ look as they see me.

And at the moment, you just tilt your head down, try and shrink out of the situation, and pretend like you’re not there.”

wrong. Stop it.’” Pope looked around comically, as if searching the room for answers.

“Okaaaaaay. How am I supposed to do it, then? … Give me a manual and a description and I’ll figure it out.”

It’s not always that easy-going as that, though, especially when it comes to shopping for clothes, or even simply walking around in public. It’s an experience Pope calls “an exercise in how much you can take.”

“I know people don’t mean to be mean about it,” she said, “but it’s very hard to, even around campus, not sit there and eat lunch without seeing three, or four, or five people walk by and stare. There’ll be that… ‘[What] the hell is that?’ look as they see me. And at the moment, you just tilt your head down, try and shrink out of the situation, and pretend like you’re not there.”

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For as discouraging as it can be at times, there are also things that make it all worthwhile.

Like four months ago, on the winter morning of an exam when she dressed up in high heels. It’s an experience that still makes her glow just talking about it.

“I had decided that I was going to spend that Thursday over at a friend’s place so I had time to prep and get everything done,” she said. “I showed up at 9 a.m., hair, makeup, the full nine yards on, heels clicking down the hallway, and sat down and took my exam.”

Pope said one of the highlights of it was watching everyone’s eyes go wide. And even though she knows not everyone understood why, she said the act made her feel “incredible.”

“It’s those little moments of liberation,” she said, “that I pretty much live for.”

Gaining new perspectives from our differences DIVERSITY

By Jessica Liner Staff Reporter

Students will have the opportunity to explore many different ethnicities, races, religions, sexual orientations and more through programs during Diversity Week April 7-11.

“Regardless of your major or career choice, there’ll be people from different backgrounds and life experiences,” said Fatima Pervaiz, program coordinator for the Office of Excellence and Multicultural Student Success. “It is in our best interest as fellow employees to be sensitive to other people’s cultures and we also deserve for people to be sensitive to our culture.”

Sarah Millimen, a freshman disability studies major, said she thinks understanding other people from different backgrounds is important to understanding oneself.

“I think you need differing opinions, differing abilities, different perspectives to really examine how you do things, and you can really learn a lot from each other,” she said. “Not being so set in your ideology or at least being willing to hear people out and appreciate the differences is a start.

Millimen said she thinks people with disabilities are “a very overlooked population.”

“Disability can touch any race, any gender, any socioeconomic class,” she said. “It doesn’t just touch one population of

people. It touches everyone. I think that disability in itself is diverse and it’s often overlooked in that.”

For instance, she pointed out a lot of things on campus are inaccessible to people who are disabled and that “it’s just not always thought of.”

Leisha Lininger, a senior communication major, said exposure to diversity has been beneficial to her.

“I think it’s important for me to remember I’m not the only type of person out there,” she said. “It’s good for me to see what kind of perspectives people have in life because they might be different than mine.”

The University of Toledo’s diverse population is what attracted Scott Uram, a senior pharmacy major, into picking UT over other schools. He said the diversity of experiences at UT have shaped him into a more “well-rounded” person.

“I think the University of Toledo is very diverse in the experiences it offers and the full student population. I don’t think there’s a typical student,” he said. “Whether it be trying different Mediterranean foods or going to the N-Word Forum, the experiences at UT have definitely shaped me.”

Besides Diversity Week, Lininger said she’d like more opportunities to get to know others in and outside the classroom.

“I love when professors invite guest

speakers from other cultures because it gives students in the classroom an opportunity to talk about it,” she said. “There were multi-faith cafes, and I thought that was a really good way to because there’s coffee and meal times are often synonymous with conversation.”

“I think it’s important for me to remember I’m not the only type of person out there,” she said. “It’s good for me to see what kind of perspectives people have in life because they might be different than mine.”

LEISHA LININGER Senior communication major

Uram said he liked group projects because it gave two people an opportunity “to work towards the same goal.”

“I think it’s a conversation we can never have enough discussions or dialogues of. Racism, classism, homophobia, et cetera — we need to continue to

talk and raise awareness on these subjects,” Pervaiz said.

By promoting inclusion and respect, Lininger thought that the university could create a campus where students would be comfortable talking about diversity.

“I think a lot of the time students may not be comfortable answering those questions because they believe they’ll be judged or ostracized and they want to protect themselves,” she said, “so if we create a campus where that kind of respect is encouraged, then I think diversity would continue to flourish.”

Millimen said she thinks the key to respecting others is “giving up your idea of normality.”

“Just understand that there’s all these differences in people. People themselves are diverse,” she said.

Pervaiz recommended attending keynote speaker Michael Kimmel’s lecture “Mars, Venus, or Planet Earth? Women and Men on Campus in the New Millenium” on Thursday, April 10 at 6:30 p.m. in Savage Arena.

“You never really know what your interaction with someone, how it could affect them, how it could affect their day,” Uram said. “Always keeping that in mind is important to me. You being open and positive and thinking good thoughts, it really pulls positivity to you, and brings you to accept and enjoy success in your relationships.”

6 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014 COMMENTARY

LEARNING TO MYSELF

love

How an eating disorder shaped my life DANIELLE GAMBLE EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

Editor’s note: this column contains imagery that may be disturbing.

Rice was my favorite thing to vomit.

First, it’s bland, so the taste isn’t jarring the way that really flavorful things like tomato sauces can be. Tomatoes and spicy things burn a lot more coming up, and the smell of acid clings longer to your fingers and your breath.

Second, rice has a granular composition that’s physically easier to throw up. It doesn’t get clumpy the way potatoes and bread get, turning into hunks of starch being shoved the wrong way through a funnel. Pasta is a little easier than rice because it’s softer, but it could never win for me because it’s too dangerous.

“I was only throwing up sporadically, about once every few weeks, so I didn’t really think I could call myself bulimic. That title, in my mind, was reserved for girls far more dedicated than I.” Take for example the first time I binged on Ramen Noodles. I ate three packs in one sitting over the course of about four minutes; I used a fork to shovel heaping mounds into my mouth, swallowing as fast as I could with barely a chew. I finished, quietly soaked up the heavy, salty calm of the moment, then quickly padded barefoot to the bathroom.

After just one heave, I realized my mistake. The long strands of noodles — too long to completely throw up in one gag — were caught between my lips and my stomach, and now they were choking me. Even though I couldn’t breathe, there was no

panic. I grabbed the glob of barely-digested Ramen hanging from my mouth and pulled it slowly from my esophagus. I could feel the wavy strands tickle the sides of my throat.

I was 12, and it was my second year dealing with bulimia.

Bulimia felt like an active choice at first.

Actually, when I first started binging and purging in sixth grade, every session felt like practice, like I was slowly acquiring an important skill. I was only throwing up sporadically, about once every few weeks, so I didn’t really think I could call myself bulimic. That title, in my mind, was reserved for girls far more dedicated than I. Over the years, the pace picked up depending on my weight. When I was heavier, I would vomit about once a week if I had a particularly heavy meal. If I was going through a thin period, I’d do it at least once every two days, more often if I was feeling vulnerable.

Around my senior year of high school, I lost a bunch of weight and reached a number I hadn’t seen since early junior high. I started throwing up every day, and often binging and purging multiple times a day. I stole extra food from the cafeteria so I could eat it in the bathroom and throw up immediately. I made excuses to stay home alone on the weekends so I could cook, eat and vomit back-to-back meals — sometimes for hours.

About four months in, I hit a huge wall of depression. A few thoughts of suicide later, I finally opened up to my mom and begged her to put me in counseling. I was ready to talk, to get off the food merry-goround. Unfortunately, the woman I saw was more concerned with sharing the Lord’s word than listening to any of my words, and I feigned a “full recovery” after just three visits.

At that point, I thought this crazy preoccupation with food was only about control. My brush with psychoanalysis informed me that I was feeling out of control in life — “out of control” being a very subdued way of phrasing it all — and throwing up was my way of fighting back. I was externalizing my anxieties in

a physical way that felt more tangible than my nagging thoughts. Or something like that.

But I wasn’t in control, so I resigned myself to living with an addiction. It was hard to resist the overwhelming high of a stomach about to burst. Even the vomiting felt good; it was so cathartic, so righteously brutal, so painfully sweet. I looked at it much like smoking — it was an unhealthy habit that I had a hard time controlling. I fell off the wagon fairly often, and it was a frustrating and shameful process to get myself back on.

During the fall of my sophomore year at the University of Toledo, I met an older guy through mutual friends. We became close friends almost immediately in the way that

happens rarely, and only between people who are kindred spirits. It wasn’t long before I told him that I had an eating disorder, as I had with a handful of other people through the years.

But then I told him something I’d never told anyone else: I didn’t want to stop. I could deal with the countless sore throats, the raw fingers and the occasional blood vessel bursting in my eyes. I couldn’t deal with the anxiety of living a purge-free life.

He didn’t ask me to stop throwing up.

He didn’t ask me any questions. He listened to everything I wanted to say, and then hugged me afterward for as long as I needed.

But he did ask me to do two things.

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 | The Independent Collegian | He gave me a copy of “Unbearable Lightness”

by Portia de Rossi (the wife of Ellen DeGeneres) and told me to read it as soon as I had the time. Then he gave me the number to UT’s counseling center and asked me to sign up for free sessions as soon as I was ready.

I read “Unbearable Lightness” the next day as fast as I could drag my eyes across the page. It was an in-your-face, agonizingly candid account of de Rossi’s struggle with bulimia and anorexia, and it broke me. I finished the last few pages through a curtain of tears.

As I closed the book, a beam of light streamed through my conscience. I realized that all of this pain, this delirium that I had submerged myself in, had exactly one cause.

Everything came to a single truth so stunningly simple that it felt like it was printed in bold letters on the walls of the cosmos.

I was doing this because I hated myself. And I could only stop if I decided to love myself.

With this epiphany echoing through my rib cage, I got out of bed and went into the bathroom — the scene of so much chaos and pain. I took off all of my clothes, looked in the mirror, and sobbed as I

uttered the words I’d been waiting to hear for eight years: “I’m sorry.”

Those words changed my life. The next week, I began counseling at UT (which was absolutely incredible and incalculably valuable). I started learning how to deal with my low self-esteem and started to unlearn all of the “black and white” thinking that leads to a lot of bad eating and living habits. Instead of just focusing on my disorder, I was working on the causes of it.

I’m now three years into recovery, and honestly — well, sometimes it sucks. I’m heavier than I’ve ever been in my life because I’ve had to unlearn a lifetime of harmful eating quirks. I’m trying to come to terms with what is now an incredible fear of dieting. When I’ve been really low or mentally shaken, I’ve used purging as an emotional crutch. I’m just now learning how to wait for hunger before I eat, and what it means to not be mentally starving every minute of the day.

Recovery is an extremely long process that comes with its own demons, and actually, I’m not sure it ever really ends.

But I wouldn’t trade recovery for

anything in the world. Yeah, it’s hard, but so is anything this amazing.

“Recovery is an extremely long process that comes with its own demons, and actually, I’m not sure it ever really ends. But I wouldn’t trade recovery for anything in the world. Yeah, it’s hard, but so is anything this amazing.”

My heart and my capacity for happiness have grown exponentially — I’m like the Grinch after Christmas, except with less green fur. I truly love myself now, which I’ve learned is actually the only way you can learn to truly love other people. And, just as importantly, I can now trust other people to love me back.

I hope that you’re in a healthy place, too, but it’s equally likely that you’re not. Maybe you have a problem with food. Maybe you’re addicted to a substance. Maybe you can’t let go of a person who’s really bad for you. If that’s you, please understand this: It’s okay. You are a person caught up in a bad circumstance, but that does not mean you are bad. You can get out of where you are, and there are people who can help you.

But at the end of the day, you are the only person who can make the change. And you can only do that when you realize you are worth fighting for.

And you are worth it.

Free counseling is available at the Counseling Center to all students currently enrolled. The center is located in Rocket Hall Room 1810 and is open Monday through Friday from 8:15 a.m. to 5 p.m. To set up an appointment, walk in or call 419-530-2426.

For more information, visit www.utoledo. edu/studentaffairs/counseling/index.html.

Danielle Gamble is a fifth-year double majoring in communication and music, and the editor-in-chief of The Independent Collegian.

What do you do when your friend needs help?

P

icture this: a friend of yours has been having a tough time. They’ve been acting different lately and you’re a little worried.

Then — maybe after weeks of inquiries, maybe out of the blue — your friend opens up to you.

And it’s big.

Eating disorders, depression, sexual assault, thoughts of suicide: these are all serious topics that a friend could reach out to you about for help. And helping someone you care about through these types of situations can be tricky.

It’s not that you don’t want to talk to them; it’s that you don’t want to hurt them. You don’t want to say the wrong thing. Heck, you’re not really sure what to say at all.

As somebody who has had friends open up to her, and someone who has asked friends for help, I can tell you that it’s difficult for both parties.

Here are some pieces of advice for you if you end up in a delicate conversation with a friend who needs help — advice that should help both of you feel good about your heart-to-heart.

Listen more than you talk. Even if the conversation becomes very dark, let your friend vent.

This will help them diffuse a lot of negative energy.

Be non-judgmental. Yes, these kinds of con-

versations can be really hard to hear, and they can even get graphic. But expressing shock or judgment at a person’s feelings or behavior in this context could make them shut down, or try to dial back their honesty.

Don’t argue with a person about why they’re being self-destructive.

This conversation is about supporting them in getting help — not about convincing them that how they feel is wrong. Don’t make your friend feel like they need to justify themselves to you, and definitely don’t ask for details that they don’t want to provide.

Be yourself, and don’t feel like you need to be an expert. If being yourself doesn’t include being certified in crisis counseling, there are plenty of resources you can point a friend to who needs more assistance than you can give.

Don’t blame yourself. How your friend

By Danielle Gamble. Advice courtesy HelpGuide.org.

feels is not something you can control — you can only support them in their recovery.

7

Assume that threats of self-harm or suicide are genuine. If you cannot per-

sonally attend to that person, call emergency services or someone nearby. And never leave a suicidal person alone.

Don’t promise secrecy. Of course, topics like a friend’s depression or sexual assault aren’t something you would tell just anyone. But never promise that you won’t reach out to a mental health expert, especially if someone is having thoughts about suicide.

Questions you can ask: • How do you feel?

• When did you begin feeling like that?

• Did something happen that made you start feeling this way?

• How can I best support you right now?

• Have you thought about getting help?

Things that are nice to hear: • I’m concerned about you, and I want to listen to whatever it is you have to say.

• You are not alone in this. I’m here for you.

• You may not believe it now, but your negative feelings will change.

• I may not be able to understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to help.

8 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014 ETHNICITY AND CULTURE

My culture, my story

Four students talk about their ethnicity and how America has impacted them

NOOR HASSAN Hassan is a first-year pharmacy major and is a second-generation immigrant. She was born and raised in Toledo and her family is culturally Arab and religiously Muslim.

By Joe Heidenescher Staff Reporter

America is a mosaic of ethnicities, cultures, races, religions and backgrounds — and that’s reflected in the student population at the University of Toledo.

So we asked four students from four different backgrounds to share with us how they lve in the United States with heritages from another country.

Arabic

“Not everyone is the same. It is OK to be different. You’ll meet cool people,” said Noor Hassan, a first-year pharmacy major.

Hassan, like many second-generation immigrants, experiences everyday life as an American; however, her culture sets her apart.

“My entire life I went to Sylvania schools.

It wasn’t very diverse, but then I came here and I saw everyone,” Hassan said. “Diversity is a great thing here.”

Hassan was born and raised in Toledo, but her parents are from Palestine and Nicaragua. Her family is culturally Arab and religiously Muslim.

Hassan said she identifies more as a Palestinian Arab because that is her mother’s heritage.

CLAUDIA ROMERO

GRACE TIEKO

Romero is a third-year criminal justice major. She is a second-generation immigrant. Romero was born in Ohio but her parents are originally from Mexico.

Tieko is a second-year biology major and is a first-generation immigrant.

She was born in the U.K. and grew up in Ghana. Tieko classifies with Ghanaian heritage and culture.

“I’m really proud of where I come from,” Hassan said. “So I feel like, I love being Palestinian. I love the culture. It’s a beautiful country and it’s just my roots are from there.”

Though her family now lives in Toledo, many traditions they practice are culturally Arab.

“For instance, my family is really big on education,” Hassan said.

Hassan said many values and expectations are upheld to greater esteem in the Arab culture, but are even greater in her family.

Hassan said her daily choices are affected by being Muslim and these differences come with responsibility.

“Especially wearing a hijab, that’s definitely the face of Arabs and Muslims in general. So the way I act is going to reflect what people are going to think of the religion and the culture also,” Hassan said.

Hassan said her actions and choices represent how others are going to generalize Arabs and Muslims.

“I have to be very careful about what I say sometimes. Even if it’s in a joking way, you still have to be careful. You never know, somebody could misunderstand and that could ruin their perception,” Hassan said.

Hassan said she has been changed by the different types of people she has met at UT.

“Being more diverse is a way to break down more barriers and being more open,” Hassan said.

Mexican

Claudia Romero, a third-year criminal justice major and treasurer of Latino Student Union, said she likes to represent her culture and ethnicity with pride to people she meets at UT. “I’m actually very proud of my culture. I actually like to express to people what my background is,” Romero said. “I love to learn about other people’s cultures because I feel like you can learn from each other something you didn’t know about others.”

Romero is a second-generation immigrant. Her parents are both from Mexico, but Romero was born in Ohio.

“My first language was Spanish,” Romero said. “At home, my primary language is Spanish as well. I actually learned English from watching different cartoons and playing with all the neighborhood kids.”

Romero said growing up Mexican, she practiced many unique traditions and practices in her home that she is very proud of.

“We also have this really cool tradition, a lot of people don’t really know about it,

TIM ESCONDO Escondo is a second-year graduate student studying English as a second language. He was born and raised in Cleveland, after his parents emigrated from the Philippines.

where you sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to the kids.

We actually smash their face into the cake.

It’s to make it more fun,” Romero said.

Romero said the background of an individual is an important part of one’s identity.

“I believe the background of an individual really sets off how you interact with other people,” Romero said.

Romero said that everyone has their own unique characteristics, and these characteristics are partially defined by someone’s heritage.

“I believe anyone has advantages or disadvantages from your culture or your heritage,” Romero said.

Romero said that generalizing is impossible to escape, and oftentimes, minorities have to represent entire cultures and ethnicities to people.

“Be open-minded and accepting of individuals because everyone is different,” Romero said.

Romero said that differences do not matter and she doesn’t see being different as an obstacle.

“People come from different backgrounds, but we are all one as humans,” Romero said.

Ghanaian

Grace Tieko, a second-year biology

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 | The Independent Collegian | major, is a first-generation immigrant, and she said she doesn’t have many troubles fitting in.

“I do fit in for the most part. I don’t think people really judge me; I don’t give them the time to judge me, to be honest. I mean if you’re going to judge me I guess we can’t be friends,” Tieko said.

Tieko was born in the U.K. and grew up in Ghana. She said even though she spent five years in both countries, she claims Ghanaian heritage and culture.

“I feel more Ghanaian because I am in a household where we speak the language and eat the foods,” Tieko said.

They speak Twi, the language of the Ashanti tribe, and common dishes of Ghanaian cuisine which heavily features rice.

Christianity is an important aspect of her culture that is incorporated in her life.

“There’s more Christians than Muslims in my country,” Tieko said. “I practice being a Christian every day.”

Parenting styles are very different in Ghana, Tieko said.

“If I ever once talked back to my parents, I would not see the next day,” she said. “You can’t get away with a lot of things that some American kids get away with. Respect is really highly favored.”

Tieko said that her experiences have added to the person

she is today. She has had contact with a variety of cultures.

She said she is now “more open to try new things.”

“For the most part, we’re really welcoming. If you were to go to Ghana and just travel there, the way their hospitality is is really high. They treat you like you’re one of us.

They don’t treat you any differently. I feel like that shapes who I am now because I am diverse. I like to understand everyone’s culture,” Tieko said.

Tieko said she no longer feels shy when it comes to other cultures. Instead she has learned to treat others with differences respectfully and hospitably.

Filipino

Tim Escondo, a second-year graduate student studying English as a second language, was born and raised in Cleveland after his family emigrated from the Philippines to the U.S. Escondo said he did not encounter much of his cultural identity until he came to Toledo, and since then he has figured out what it means to be diverse.

Escondo said he feels American because he went to public schools and had an American childhood.

Once he arrived at UT, Escondo had contact with many diverse groups and people.

9

“I first fell into the Japanese Student Association. They were the first cultural group I was introduced to. I basically started floating between all the cultural groups,” Escondo said.

He then found and connected with other Filipino students.

“By learning from other kids, who did keep in touch with their culture or their heritage, I was able to catch up,” Escondo said.

With the help of the students that he met, they formed the Filipino American Association.

“Besides exposure to a lot more language, I found our childhoods, like little quirks growing up, were all the same,” Escondo said about other Filipino students.

Escondo said he acts as if he is representing the Filipino culture at all times.

“I could be the only one they see, and if I do something wrong then people are quick to judge. If I do something wrong, they’ll think the rest of that group is the same way,” he said.

Escondo said he fights prejudice by interacting with people from other cultures and get involved on campus.

“I’d say one of the positive things about UT is their cultural awareness program and their different cultural groups. I think that’s one of the unspoken good things about UT,” he said.

COMMENTARY

Why I chose to believe MORGAN RINCKEY OPINION EDITOR

When I was a little kid, I was a very devout Christian. The kind who sang Bible songs and was addicted to VeggieTales.

Even now, I still like VeggieTales.

Looking back at that, it is easy to see how much religion had affected me. My parents would drive us to church every week, and I went to Vacation Bible School in the summer. My parents loved this and encouraged it in me. I read my children’s Bible that was mostly pictures, and I memorized the cards to a Bible trivia game. I memorized the cards so I could annihilate everyone in Old Testament knowledge, which wasn’t very Christian of me.

My religious vigor lasted until I was in seventh grade when I decided I didn’t want to be religious, and I didn’t want to go to church anymore. I felt like I didn’t need to attend because I could be Christian enough at home.

I didn’t like having to wake up early. I didn’t want to do something that my friends weren’t doing — and they weren’t going to church. I didn’t want to believe in God when my parents were getting into arguments and eventually divorced.

It was really easy to eventually stop going. My family had already started to step away from the

Church. We stopped praying before meals, skipped Sunday school and only went to church. I stopped going to church camp.

At first when I didn’t want to go to church, I would pretend to be sick, but later I would say I had too much homework to do. Eventually, I would stay up late watching “Saturday Night Live,” I wouldn’t set my alarm and I just slept through the sermon.

Even though it started off as my not wanting to attend church, it transitioned into my not wanting to be religious at all. It was a time of selfishness for me. I was full of angst over my parents’ divorce. I never helped with chores. I did all I could to avoid going to my mom’s house.

For a long time I was content with not going to church. I was free to do what I wanted with my time. But eventually I did go back.

It started out as more of a convenience when I was a junior in high school. I had to see both of my parents, and I couldn’t drive. The church was equidistant to both. I would spend the weekend with my mom, and on Sunday my dad would pick me up and take me to church.

The revelation I had about God didn’t happen in church. One night I was sleeping in my room I shared with my older sister. I was praying, really praying, for the first time in months. I prayed, “Lord, I know I can’t see you, but I know you’re there.”

Outside my window, a lightning bolt lit up the sky and brought color to the darkness outside. Without realizing it, I was sitting up in my bed completely awake when just moments before I was drifting to sleep. I don’t

know what overcame me but I said, “Yes, Lord,” out loud.

In that moment, I believed.

I know people would have probably said it was just a lightning bolt, and the guy with the crazy hair on the History Channel would probably say it was aliens coming to enslave the human race. But I like to think that it was a message from God. On the following Sundays, instead of looking at the stained-glass windows, picking at my fingers or coloring on a worship wonder board, I listened to the sermons. I don’t remember what they were about, but I knew they didn’t bore me like they did when I was a kid.

Maybe it was because I was old enough to truly grasp what was being said or maybe it was that I genuinely had a change of heart. But that week, and the weeks after, I listened to the sermons. I realized that I did love God and that I wanted to be a Christian. I wasn’t going to church because I was forced to by my parents; I was going because I wanted to.

Everyone has times when they struggle with who they are and what they believe. I struggle with what I believe in all the time. Believe in what you want to believe in. It doesn’t have to be Christianity.

But believe in something because it is what you believe in — not just because your parents believe in it, too.

Morgan Rinckey is a first-year double majoring in English and communication and is the opinion editor at The Independent Collegian.

10 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014 SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Group helps students get more comfortable with their sexuality

By Amanda Eggert Community Editor

Student groups on the University of Toledo campus can sometimes seem unwelcoming, but Spectrum UT aims to provide an atmosphere that is both safe and inviting for lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) students and members of the community.

Making people feel included is something third-year mechanical engineering major and Spectrum President Celia Otero said she strives for in Spectrum.

“We try to offer a safe, welcoming environment,” said Otero. “One thing I always like to tell the officers or members who are more active is try to give someone, someone to talk to.”

One of Otero’s favorite memories from this year at Spectrum was receiving a note from a new member.

“It had said that Spectrum had changed his life and made him feel like living again,” Otero said. “So I would say that felt pretty good.”

Second-year English and Africana studies major LaVelle Ridley said anyone is welcome to join Spectrum.

“We try to provide support for people and also just try to project this atmosphere of acceptance of being safe if you need to talk,” he said.

“The group is for anyone that’s pro-LGBT and can be conducive in a positive way in the community and diverse in all those ways too.

“It’s an interesting group of people who bring interest to all different issues that we face.”

Ridley said he attended his first Toledo Pride festival in August with Spectrum.

“It was great to be with a group of students inside of the university and with the wider Toledo community and the Ohio community coming together and celebrating with each other and just having fun,” Ridley said.

Ridley said Spectrum aims for being a community of diversity.

“They are fun people. A lot of them are my friends. It’s so easy to be someone’s friend and we aim to do that,” Ridley said.

“We get a lot of friendship, networking and some good events.”

Jack Alferio, a first-year film major and transgender male, said being involved with transgender people is really important. He

COURTESY OF KIERSTEN GAMBY

Members of Spectrum pose on Saturday, March 22 at UT’s annual Big Event. This event is a whole day set aside for UT students to give back to the community. This group helped a community member by cleaning and organizing the inside of their house.

also said he puts himself out there to move past his social anxiety.

Being an involved member of the LGBT community for over a year with Rainbow Area Youth (RAY) and his high school’s Gay-Straight Alliance (GSA) has allowed him to get out of his comfort zone.

“It’s helped me grow as a person and have learned in social situations and I’ve learned a lot about the other parts of the community and that’s really cool,” Alferio said.

Alferio said in high school he was out as a lesbian and when he decided to make the transition, he did it in a less-hostile environment.

“I decided to do that on my own terms and not do that publicly through school,” Alferio said.

He dropped out of high school to transition as a male both medically and socially.

At 17, he legally changed his name and as

part of the transition process he started taking testosterone supplements.

After being homeschooled for his last year of high school, Alferio said that moving on to college was an “awkward” experience. He said he didn’t know anyone going to UT prior to college or have a lot of social interaction with others.

Being able to join Spectrum allowed Alferio to make friends who were similar to or accepting of him.

“It’s important to know you’re not alone and it’s the type of support on a personal level that we can talk to [each other] one on one,” Alferio said. “We are all friends there.”

Spectrum tries to make a connection with its members so they don’t feel alone in whom they are.

Ridley said that, growing up as a gay, black male, he didn’t have anyone to look up to because they weren’t featured in the media.

“In my mind, being gay was something only white people could do because they were at the top of the social food chain because they are powerful — they can do that,” Ridley said. “Growing up and being educated and knowing that’s not the truth and even in the ...

LGBT community, race and also gender and other factors come into play and it’s interesting to talk about them in our own community.”

Alferio said it is important for people to come out only when they are ready.

“If you are scared to, then you need to do it on your own terms, don’t do it for someone else,” Alferio said. “Don’t make anyone tell you that if you don’t do this you are living a lie, you’re lying to yourself, you are lying to your loved ones, because that’s not true; you are keeping yourself safe emotionally and maybe even physically. You have to think about your safety first.”

Wednesday, March 26, 2014 | The Independent Collegian |

11

STUDENT DISABILITY SERVICES

Students with disabilities discover how UT can improve their college experience

By Sohan Mutha and Lauren Bridgewater Staff Reporters

A one-stop shop for all academic accommodations, the Student Disability Services is dedicated to helping students with disabilities to get through college.

“We work with students with documented disabilities to determine what the functional limitations are of their disability and if there are academic accommodations that would level the playing field so that they have equal access to the educational experience,” said Toni Howard, director of Student Disability Services.

Howard said that if the accommodations feall under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) qualifiers, the office will work with the students to determine which ones would be helpful.

Debbie Arbogast, accessibility specialist, said the students enrolling after high school are asked about the services they used that were beneficial to them.

“In college, the goal for students with disabilities is that they have equal access to the material,” Howard said.

Howard said that as far as services go, they will make accommodations to help students.

Arbogast said she works with students to find out the functional limitations of their disability or disabilities.

“My job is to review documentation that comes in, see if they meet the criteria, ask the students to come in and walk them through the process of what accommodations they may be able to access if they are eligible,” Arbogast said.

Andrea Engle, academic accommodation specialist, said the accessibility specialists work with students to research the best approach on a case-by-case basis and provide her with the information of the accommodations that will be needed.

Howard said that they offer braille,

“We work with students with documented disabilities to determine what the functional limitations are of their disability and if there are academic accommodations that would level the playing field so that they have equal access to the educational experience.”

TONI HOWARD Director of Student Disability Services

captioning, electronic text, note-taking, readers and scribes, smart pens, some testing in the office, distraction reduced environments and a host of other accommodations.

Engle said that she oversees the electronic text, braille and captioning services.

Students with disabilities are not all alike, even if they share the same disability, Howard said.

“They all have unique, specialized accommodations that they need,” she said.

Engle said students with a variety of physical or learning disabilities are found to be eligible for electronic text.

“I work with professors to identify textbooks and check the bookstore for their availability,” Engle said. “I look into our database to check and see if we already have an electronic version or if we need to request for one.”

Engle said that to comply with copyright rules, the students have to first buy a hard copy of the textbook to be able to receive

the electronic copy.

Eligible students can go to the Student Accessibility Management (SAM) tab on their myUT portal to request the accommodations they need for a semester.

Engle said they fulfilled requests for over 300 electronic textbooks for this semester.

Sandesh Modhe, e-text coordinator, said that depending on the requirements, the electronic textbooks are altered to have a larger font size or a text-to-speech format.

Engle said tagging and explaining pictures and graphics in books for some majors like astronomy becomes challenging and they have faculty or graduate students help them with that.

Engle added that advancements in technology have played a huge role in making accessible course material available.

“Things are improving. It’s getting there, it’s just not there yet,” Engle said. “Slowlybut-surely it will happen.”

Modhe said they are always trying to get their hands on new technology to help provide various accommodations.

Engle said there are applications available for smartphones and computers that can read the textbook out loud for the user.

Terri Stibaner, academic accommodation specialist for note-taking and testing, said faculty and students have been instrumental in helping accommodate testing needs and note-taking.

Stibaner said they typically have a student from the class roster volunteer to take notes and if not, they send a student employee to the classes.

Modhe said he has attended several classes like photography, engineering and Spanish to take notes for eligible students.

The Student Disability Services has many roles and is well-versed in ways to help the students with disabilities.

Engle said they will be conducting “Providing

Equal Access,” an event geared toward faculty to help them make Microsoft Word documents accessible, on Wednesday, April 2 at 9 a.m. in Room 0500 of Carlson Library.

“I’m going to go through and show everyone how to run an accessibility check on a Word document and see if there are any accessibility issues with it,” Engle said. “Accessibility checker is nice because it tells them what’s wrong and how to fix it.”

Free registration can be found at https:// utdl.edu/DL_training.

Argobast said that they will be participating in “Post-Secondary Transition Events” on April 29 at Owens Community College.

Providing Equal Access What: An event geared toward faculty to help them make Microsoft Word documents accessible.

Where: Room 0500 of Carlson Library.

When: Wednesday, April 2 at 9 p.m.

Post-secondary Transition events What: An event for high school students to ask questions of colleges that participate.

Where: Owens Community College.

When: April 29.

“It’s where high school students with disabilities can ask questions of the colleges that participate,” Arbogast said. “It will be questions about college and what they will experience. They have to ask the questions themselves so that they know how to deal with things like this.”

The Student Disability Services is located in Rocket Hall Room 1820 and can be contacted at 419-530-4981.

STUDENT DISABILITY SERVICES

12 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, March 26, 2014 COMMENTARY

Do I sit quietly, or do I sing?

Learning to express my individuality and my African-American culture TIARA GREEN IC COLUMNIST

There is a need for certain people in our society to characterize the black body as something that should invoke fear and nervousness. Maybe it gives them a sense of superiority.

But the black body is a beautiful thing of richness that has been bestowed upon us, does not limit our evolution or interrupt our moral process.

I have struggled with this process — a process in which I ask myself how I am to present myself to people not of the same skin color. Do I show them my likeliness? Do I show them that I have no hatred toward the color of my skin? Do I sit quietly and hope no one notices me?

I went to a predominantly white high school, and when students looked at me when these topics came up, I tended to stay silent. I didn’t want people to place me in a category based on my skin. I tended to remain silent when the topic of racism or slavery came up. I didn’t want to talk about it — I didn’t feel as though it was relevant to my current situation. I felt it was something that I did not want to revisit.

I would sit in English class while we talked about racial barriers and the process that people go through when they try to assimilate into different cultures.

There were times in my classes that I cringed at the topics of slavery or racism because I always felt like I was being looked at, like people expected me to have a speech prepared. I wasn’t ready to set myself apart from my peers by discussing my differences.

But then, I had an African-American teacher — which was rare in my high school — and she was unapologetic about her skin. She addressed topics that I didn’t even know how to mentally approach, and that coming from a woman who looked like me made me feel less alone.

I began to feel more comfortable addressing topics like racism and not living in fear that I would be placed in a box for doing so. I was more apt to addressing what we as African-Americans went through, are going through and what we have to still go through.

I wanted to be able to be me, be Tiara — without people forgetting that yes, I am black, and yes, I have a different ethnic background. But I am not singularly defined by it.

There have been so many stories of women assimilating in order to make others feel comfortable. They dilute who they are in order to be what others want them to be. I realized that people are either going to open their minds or not, but there is no way of knowing who will and who won’t unless I open my mouth.

I began to ask, do I sit quietly? Or do I sing?

I sang. It took time for me to realize that my black skin shouldn’t be worn as an apology, but as a masterpiece that has been worn by women and men of hard work, movement, peace and love. It’s imperative that no outside influences make you love yourself any less or fear for your safety any more than the next.

It’s important that you don’t lose yourself in trying to be liked by others. You will begin to pick apart the things that make you who you are, and this will leave nothing left for you to know yourself by. You will then become a mirror of whomever you surround yourself with, instead of surrounding yourself with positive people who uplift and mirror parts of you.

So, in embracing my skin tone, I looked to women like Oprah Winfrey, India Arie, Halle Berry, my mother and so many other inspiring black women. I began to speak with more confidence, and I wasn’t so hesitant in approaching new situations.

I applied lotion to my skin every morning while taking time to love the colors within my skin tone. I began to

“It took time for me to realize that my black skin shouldn’t be worn as an apology, but as a masterpiece that has been worn by women and men of hard work, movement, peace and love. It’s imperative that no outside influences make you love yourself any less or fear for your safety any more than the next.” release all negative preconceived notions, and I faced problems head on. I shared with my Caucasian friends things that were different about me instead of hiding them. I allowed myself to learn new things from people without fear that I would lose who I was in the process.

I am still working on these things today. I am growing, learning and loving myself more. I see the black body as beautiful. I appreciate people from different backgrounds, cultures, ideologies and ways of thinking. I wouldn’t be able to do so if I weren’t able to love and appreciate myself first.

In appreciating me, I have been able to love not only the dark of my skin, but the over-thinker that I am, the outspoken leader and the woman that my mom raised me to be.

In standing by that, I try new things, I meet different people and I continue to share myself so that people see that, yes, we are different in a multitude of ways, but we have similar passions, ideas and ways of living life that unite everyone.

Tiara Green is a fifth-year majoring in English Literature.