By My Side

A special issue dedicated to providing a unique look at relationships of all types and the things that keep us together.

SPECIAL EDITION

2 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015

About this special edition...

“The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

C. G. Jung Psychiatrist and psychotherapist

EDITORIAL TEAM Editing and Design Alexandria Saba, Amanda Eggert, Samantha Rhodes Photos and Art Andrea Harris, Adellyn Mcpheron Cover Art Adellyn Mcpheron Copy Editors Lauren Gilbert, Jared Hightower Contributers Amanda Eggert, Dustin Jarrett, Samantha Rhodes, Ashley Diel, Morgan Rinckey, Colleen Anderson, Alexandria Saba Adviser Danielle Gamble “By My Side” is a special edition published by The Independent Collegian, a student newspaper dedicated to serving the University of Toledo’s community.

The Independent Collegian is published by the Collegian Media Foundation, a private, not-for-profit corporation. © 2015

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ewspapers are here to get information out to the masses, and there are a million and one ways that we share that information. Should we share some bite-sized statistics? Should we cover a fundraiser for a local nonprofit trying to raise awareness about a topic? Should we write an editorial?

Yes. But so much more.

Relationships comprise our entire lives. Everything we do with another person affects us — and there are so many kinds of relationships we as humans are capable of nurturing and developing. Whether they’re familial, romantic or friendships, every bond with share with someone else changes us in some way and gives us a new insight about the world as well as about ourselves.

Relationships are hard to quantify, wrap up in a nice bow and present to the public. Every story is different because every one of us relates to others differently.

But we should be talking about relationships more, and that’s why we developed “By My Side” — a special issue dedicated to shedding light on the ways in which we connect and bond with others, each of us extracting something unique from all of our relationships.

This isn’t just another issue. These are stories about people from all walks of life. Hopefully, you’ll read something that will inspire you to branch out and seek more meaningful connections with those near and dear to you. Or perhaps you’ll reflect on how your own relationships have shaped you into the truly oneof-a-kind individual you are today.

Either way, we hope you enjoy this celebration of how human spirits interact with each other.

— The Independent Collegian staff

Be sure to check out our YouTube video supplement to this issue. You can find the link on our website or scan the code below.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | The Independent Collegian |

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COMMENTARY

To date or not?

It’s OK to be single

Relationships are worth it

I remember feeling embarrassed and going through the same routine over rejected. and over again, I have come to the realFlashback to Valentine’s Day 10 years ization it’s not me. I genuinely haven’t ago — I had just given a valentine to a found the right person yet and that’s boy I liked from my sixth-grade class. I OK. I’ll repeat myself: It’s OK to be sinwas shy and giddy with excitement. I gle. I need confidence in who I am as a could feel my heart beating in my person and to be on-track with my life throat as I watched him open it. He plan first before I can even consider glanced at it and then to my demise, dating. showed it to the other boys at the table.

I need to be able to make my own deMy sincere act was then cisions and I am not followed by laughter ready for the commitfrom the other boys in ment that goes with beclass and then, to my ing in a relationship. I horror, the girls too. have to make a commitShortly afterward, I ment to myself to be hoped this was the responsible for my own worst thing that could happiness and not rely happen and decided on romantic relationthat I should keep my ships for it. feelings to myself.

Being around friends Many years have and family makes me passed though, and feel joy. I have such a don’t get me wrong — strong connection with I’m still searching for them. I have spent years the one. building lasting bonds I have watched those that wouldn’t have hapFORMER EDITOR-IN-CHIEF pened had I been dataround me form lasting relationships and even ing. I have formed get engaged or married, and I’ve always memories from family get-togethers for had an idea in my mind about my perbirthdays and holidays to road trips fect relationship that will one day apwith my friends to see plays or conpear. One of my favorite movies is certs. Those memories will last because “When Harry Met Sally,” and I have althey aren’t temporary in my life. I take ways wanted my story to match the one comfort knowing I can go to them for in the movie: meet a guy, become anything, but I have learned that only I friends with him and eventually get can provide my own happiness. married. I’ve imagined it countless times I have come to terms with looking for and as I got older and headed off to col- something which doesn’t exist is overlege, I thought I was one step closer to rated. Sometimes I hear the voice in the finding love. back of my head that tells me I need As it turns out, it was the exact oppomore, but I have chosen to ignore it. I site. At a university of nearly 20,000 can be content with what I have in my people, I felt like not a single one wantlife right now and focus on something ed to go on a date with me. I became tangible, like getting my dream job afobsessed with the idea that I would find ter college. someone and a romantic relationship I am not rushing to get into the datcould happen if I got close to him. But it ing pool and start the rest of my life. always ended the same way: “I like our My single years have been some of the friendship, but I don’t want to ruin it.” most memorable of my life and I am This happened to me several times. I’d taking time to do things for me. After tell a guy I like him and then get rejectall, I am the one living my life, not anyed. It made me feel bad about myself one else. and I started to question: What was wrong with me? Why wasn’t this workAmanda Eggert is a fourth-year communication major and former editor-in-chief of ing out?

The Independent Collegian.

After what seemed like a lifetime of

She has green eyes, gentle lips, silky am then truly blissful. black hair and the ability to speak to me It sounds too heavenly to be real, without saying a word — no wonder I’m right? It’s not. But this moment of intihead over heels for such a woman. macy is only attainable if you give love a Love is a miraculous thing. My world fighting chance. spins and then falls into place at the very The choice to maintain or begin a relathought of the person I love. tionship in college is yours alone. For This person, my girlfriend of two and a some, it can complicate their lives. But half years, has helped shape me into the for others, it can change their world. man I am today. Despite life’s pain, sufI’ve often heard people wait to develop fering and emotional relationships until they turmoil, a single kiss and work on developing a warming hug from her themselves first. Though can magically transform this idea, in principle, is chaos to peace. We hold useful for many, I say each other up and help why not cut the time one another stand, reand do both? gardless of the things Relationships help that come between us. you grow on both a When in love, you personal and emotionpush through hardal level with yourself ships to make it work. and someone else simulBut not everyone sees taneously. Each step rethings this way. inforces and cushions In college, people ofyou while you work toten wonder if it’s smart ward growth. to engage in a romantic For example, my girlIC COLUMNIST relationship. Is it worth friend and I both want a the time, the sacrifices college education. She is and the compromising? Maintaining a still deciding what she wants to major in romantic relationship can be challengand where she wants to go. I know what ing and exhausting. I know people I want and where I’m heading, which who’ve ended relationships to get rid she supports and draws inspiration from of “baggage” or to give themselves while I talk her through and support the more “options.” option that best suits her. Working toBut that is just the easy way out. gether helps us individually as well as Life can be a living hell at times — unconnectively. certainty, stress, late nights spent crying I know what you’re thinking: isn’t it and the pressures of everyone’s expectaeasier to give ourselves less to work on tions cave in on me. Though I’m emorather than trying to tackle so many tionally strong, keeping composure can things at once? Maybe. But if we take be a struggle. During these times, I woneach problem day by day, plan ahead der how much more I can take and and work at keeping priorities in perwhether I should seek comfort in somespective, every ounce of effort put into a one else’s arms. relationship is worth it. Romantic relaBut when everything in my life feels tionships are truly compatible with our wrong, my girlfriend feels right. She everyday lives. is my solace. When I crumble, she is To love, or not love? That is the quesmy redemption. tion. I choose love every day and don’t I imagine her behind me, wrapping her regret it. Don’t be afraid to start a relaarms around my chest and whispering in- tionship with someone you love. We all to my ear, “Everything will be okay. I love need that.

After all, it’s love that makes the world you.” My heart melts and I close my eyes, go round. feeling the warm embrace of her tenderness. Happiness washes over me, stirring Dustin Jarrett is a first-year majoring in something deep down inside. Miles away, speech and language pathology. my worries have lost their iron grip and I

AMANDA EGGERT

DUSTIN JARRETT

4 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Love despite divorce COMMENTARY

How I learned to empathize with my parents I still remember the day my parents told Addresses and phone numbers rapidly us they were splitting up. changed at a pace difficult for a preteen My brother and I were asked to to memorize, and accepting a new take a seat on the green and mother-like figure was far brown plaid couch, the same from simple. one we snuggled on to You could say I was read “Twas the Night Beoverwhelmed by it all. fore Christmas” mere Through middle and months ago. My mother high school, I felt like a and father nervously constantly packed suitstood before us, the feet case without a home, between them speaking shuffling back and forth louder than the tense from one parent to the lack of words. other with no control over Her face was tearmy own life. Don’t get me stained and his was an unwrong, I had multiple places to readable mask. As my live. But none of them felt like younger brother cried, the home you yearn for after melting in despair over a long trip away. what it all meant, I was in That secure and peaceful too much shock to do anyplace was not a physical one MANAGING EDITOR for me; it existed in pre-dithing but stare — stare at the wall, at the carpet, at vorce memories — of the gathe green polo my father rage door grinding open, the was wearing. beep of a locking car, the creak of the front A few hours later I was upstairs sobbing door swinging open and of my suit-andinto his chest, soaking his shirt with equal tie-clad father after a 10-hour workday parts tears and snot. Denial, the initial regreeting mom with a gentle kiss and touch sponse when your world crashes down, on her hip before hollering out in a mockwrapped me in its clutches and held me serious tone, “Where are my kids?” to prisoner. To witness my childhood hero which we would exuberantly come scamcrying on his knees while he held me, his pering in for a hug. tears wetting my hair to my face, was devI can hear the chiming wooden grandfaastating and terrifying at the same time. It ther clock in the foyer of the last house shook my world. where we were all happy together; I can That was 11 years ago. picture the worn black leather briefcase dad The years following the divorce were un- always carried and the carefree way mom stable and uncertain. I grew up thinking would spoon-feed us grapefruit as we my family was damaged somehow, as I was watched television. the only one of my friends who had two These memories were mine to treasure. houses to visit.

I reached deep within me for them when I learned what to say and what to repress I heard nasty rumors speculating dad had in order to preserve my parents’ feelings. an affair or when mom would furiously Of course I didn’t like moving in with our sling finely crafted curse words at him in grandparents — an ancient house ravaged front of me, placing me in the war zone by mangy barn cats, quilting tools and stat- and indirectly asking me to take a side. ues of Mary — but mom needed the finanI wasn’t angry about the situation; that cial support. Once a stay-at-home mother, was my brother’s primary response. It simshe became a workaholic, taking on miscel- ply wasn’t in my nature to lash out. But laneous home hospice jobs all hours of the there was a debilitating war raging inside day and night to put food on the table. me that I couldn’t make sense of. StrugWe left one school district and merged gling with depression, I was forced by my into another, helped dad move from an parents to go to counseling and try medicaapartment to a new house one state over tion, both of which felt like an insult to my and welcomed his new wife to our family. coping abilities.

SAMANTHA RHODES

Born with a strong introverted nature, I internalized every facet of the divorce. It became my fault — if I had been a better daughter, maybe my parents would have fought harder to stay together. It sounds ridiculous, but overanalyzing the unrelated puzzle pieces slowly chipped away at me. It became my mission to strive for perfection, to make their tired hearts swell with pride.

I graduated with the titles of valedictorian, Homecoming Queen and Prom Queen — so I was off to a good start.

Like the seasons come and go, so too did a range of emotions I sorted out over the years. At the same time I left for college, packing my bags and bidding mom farewell, my dad also moved to Florida for a new job.

Then it happened — the string of unfortunate events.

Dad had a serious cancer scare, and mom had a stroke. I came face-to-face with the unsettling realization that my parents

were aging and wouldn’t always be around, something I had simply taken for granted all these years. The looming hand of death had never felt so close, and for the first time in my life, I contemplated what my parents meant to me. Not just who they were, what they had accomplished in life or what they could offer me. I’m talking about what they represented in my life, the magnitude of their actions as parents and how I wouldn’t be alive if not for that life-altering choice made 21 years ago.

I look at society and see a world of ungrateful youth that don’t think twice about how they got where they are today. Sure, you contributed a helping hand when asked, but until you’ve simultaneously filled the roles of mentor, disciplinarian, tutor, coach, provider and lifeguard, you haven’t a clue what it means to be a loving parent.

Divorces are messy. There’s no getting around that. But if I look back at what See Divorce / 5 »

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | The Independent Collegian |

Divorce

from page 4

happened through the objective lens of maturity — not from my own emotional memories — I realize just how much strain was on my parents at the time. My expectations were unfair; after all, they’re only human.

When I think of raising children, one word comes to mind first: work. But I can hear my mother’s voice in my head now — “my kids are the greatest pride and joy I have in life.”

It was my mother who sat in the bathtub with me, our hands as wrinkled as prunes, teaching me to read my first book; it was my father firmly grasping my shoulder as I removed the training wheels from my bike; it

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was my parents whose constant stream of compliments motivated me to pursue writing first as a hobby and now as a career.

I often consider the tragedy of divorce and how it plagues so many undeserving families every day. But when I reminisce on my own family’s struggle, I don’t dwell on the ugly memories. Instead, I think of who I’d be today if the divorce had never happened — and I don’t like who I see.

Instead of being my former people-pleasing self, I’ve learned how to — heaven forbid — say “no.” If not for the hours I spent alone in my room wondering why God allows bad things to happen, I wouldn’t have learned how to recognize often-overlooked blessings in disguise.

“If one thing is true of my life, it’s this — arrows can only be launched forward by first being pulled backward. Every agonizing circumstance I thought was dragging me down was, in hindsight, essential for my forward launch into a more meaningful life.”

If one thing is true of my life, it’s this — arrows can only be launched forward by first being pulled backward. Every agonizing circumstance I thought was dragging me down was, in hindsight, essential for my forward launch into a more meaningful life.

C.S. Lewis once said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” Though I don’t disagree, I’d like to make a small addition.

Parents often prepare their children for extraordinary destinies.

And though mine are far from perfect, I strive to someday be half the parents mine were to me.

Samantha Rhodes is a third-year communication major and the Managing Editor for The Independent Collegian.

Tips for handling divorce

ivorce is a complicated word that comes with a heavy load of baggage and oftentimes mixed feelings.

Trust me — I know from personal experience how emotional of a roller coaster it can be dealing with both your own feelings and those of your parents.

For some, it’s a relief to hear that your parents are divorcing and will finally be rid of each other; but for others, it’s a heart-breaking and unexpected experience that devastates your family and forces you to help pick up the broken pieces of the marriage. When a divorce is finalized, a lot changes legally — and within the internal walls of your everyday family life.

Regardless of why or how a divorce happens, here are tips to remember that can help ease you through the coping process and give you more peace of mind in the midst of a seemingly unstable time.

Remember that it’s not your fault All the signs may point back to you and you may feel like you somehow didn’t measure up or were inadequate. But don’t let those lies tear you down and separate you from reality — your parents are the ones who didn’t make it work; you had nothing to do with their marriage. In fact, chances are that you weren’t even alive when they decided to get married.

Trying to figure out why they stopped loving each other and vacillating between whether or not they could have worked harder saved their marriage is something reserved specifically for them and you shouldn’t waste your time agonizing over it.

It takes two to get married and two to sign divorce papers. The roots of their problems are most likely deeper than you realize and go back years or even decades into the past.

Try to focus on the positives Although a lot of traditions and rituals will change in your family, not everything has to become bitter and unpleasant. Try to look for the silver lining in every scenario rather than comparing it to the past.

Did your parents bicker a lot when they were married? Well, now your household won’t be consumed by arguments or saturated with tension anymore. Was one parent lonely or unfulfilled in their marriage?

Now they’ll have the chance to restart their love life.

Despite your anger over their broken marriage vows, try to put yourself in your parents’ shoes — they deserve the chance to be emotionally content and in love just as much as you do.

Remember that if your parents wanted a divorce, they will most likely be happier in the long-run, even if they don’t seem like it yet. Fear not — with time, their sadness will lift and they will once again resume at least semi-normal lifestyles, moving on and finding ways to fill their lost time.

Keep in mind that two of everything isn’t so bad once you get used to it. Think about it — two family Christmases, two birthday parties and two sets of holidays equate to double the quality time you’ll be able to spend with those you love.

Don’t let them put you in the middle Oftentimes when a divorce is heated and both parents are bitter, they try to win over their children and get them to take their own side by engaging in namecalling and nasty story-telling. Sometimes they even start rumors. Don’t fall victim to those low blows or believe everything either of them say. Remember, both of their stories will be biased and dramatized due to the emotional pain they feel; both sides must be taken with a grain of salt.

Don’t feel like you have to choose one parent over the other or agree with anything they say. Have the courage

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to speak up, tell your parents that you love them both and that you don’t appreciate hearing them bad mouth each other. Be sure they know you don’t want to hear it anymore and will not tolerate being forced to choose sides. If necessary, leave the room if they continue the offensive behavior. Though it may hurt their feelings initially, they will come to understand and respect your thoughts as their own bitterness subsides and their rational thinking replaces their defensiveness.

Dissect their marriage to learn your own lessons This may sound contradictory, but you can learn from your parents’ mistakes. Examine their marriage and everything you remember about it. What did they do right? What did they do wrong? What could they have done better? What were their crucial relationship flaws? How long did they date before they tied the knot?

By studying your parents’ former relationship and the things they got right, you can learn from them without having to make your own life-changing mistakes. This goes for all marriages, regardless of whether or not the parents are divorced. Take notes of how you want to be different from your parents and remind yourself of the examples they set that you would like to carry on in your own family someday.

As the saying goes, the older we get, the more we become like our parents. Therefore, if you don’t like the image of who your parents are, there’s no better time than now to start recognizing the traits you share and working on changing your habits to leave those unwanted ones behind.

By Samantha Rhodes

6 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015

The art of Attraction: HUMAN COMPATIBILTY

What makes two people compatible?

By Samantha Rhodes Managing Editor

Nearly everyone has, at some point in their lives, made a “wish list” for their ideal partner.

Our checklists can be incredibly long, specific or obsessively detailed. But when we come face-to-face with potential lovers, somehow our logic often dissipates.

The science behind romantic attraction and compatibility still puzzles scientists. To understand why we pick certain partners over others, they’ve conducted a bamboozling number of studies ranging from examining facial symmetry to subconscious reactions after smelling sweaty T-shirts.

Even pupil dilation can be an indicator of sexual orientation and arousal, according to researcher Ritch Savin-Williams, a developmental psy-

chologist at Cornell University.

“There’s a lot of evidence to suggest that romantic compatibility is complex and variable,” said Assistant Professor of Public Health Kimberly McBride, who also has a Ph.D. in health behavior.

“There is no magic formula because humans are immensely complicated and shaped…by factors that interact in ways that we do not completely understand.”

bodies’ naturally-occurring scents serve as attractiveness ratings.

“One study had heterosexual men smell T-shirts worn by women and examined the impact on subjects’ levels of testosterone,” McBride said. “What the researchers found was that men’s testosterone levels increased when they smelled the shirt of a woman near ovulation. Another study looked at human body odor and found that heterosexual men were least attracted to the body odor of men who were gay.”

It’s in your genes If studies about pheromones are corSneak a peak at some“There is no magic rect, McBride beone who makes your lieves that by using formula because hu- perfumes, colognes heart flutter — that guy with the chiseled jawline mans are immensely and hygiene prodand washboard abs or ucts, we may actually complicated and the slender gal whose be destroyclothes seem to hug eving our bodshaped…by factors ery curve just right. natural that interact in ways ies’ Millions of neuroscent-based chemicals and horthat we do not comattraction mones just exploded methods. pletely understand.” in your brain.

But don’t Oxytocin, noradrenastart skipping KIMBERLY MCBRIDE lin, dopamine and melshowers to Assistant Professor of Public Health anocortin just roused find a date your attention to sexual just yet. Acstimuli. Give up trying cording to to be rational — you’ve Walsh, neurochemistry also plays surrendered the reins to biology. a defining role in two people’s Relationship expert Wendy Walsh, alability to tolerate one another. so a professor of psychology at CaliforWalsh divides people into two nia State University, appears regularly categories: those with “very on The Today Show, Good Morning wide mood swings” or drama America and Inside Edition. queens, and those who are Walsh breaks down biological “wide and narrow” or more racompatibility into two components: tionally driven and practical. sexual compatibility and neurochem“What research has shown is istry. Contrary to what it sounds like, that the most compatible couples Walsh said sexual compatibility is de- are those where at least one of the termined by disparate immune syspair has a relatively narrow range tems and pheromones. of mood swings,” Walsh said. “If “Immune systems actually comyou get two people who both bine and become stronger, so for have a wide range of mood survival of the fittest, you want to swings, they’re almost guaranteed mate with somebody who has more to have a ticket to divorce court immunities to different bugs than in a few years.” you do — a different immune system,” Walsh said. “And the way that Socialization under way Mother Nature signals these different immune systems are through With a single, steamy glance, the body odors — pheromones.” two of you know how to light a In fact, several studies conclude our

fire. But as time passes, your relationship will wither if you have nothing in common.

Similarities in age, education, income level and religion are social factors that generally improve compatibility. But when rating what’s most important in a potential partner, McBride said cross-cultural research has found that kindness, understanding and intelligence top the list.

According to Patricia Case, sociology and anthropology department chair of the University of Toledo, intellectual stimulation is a form of attraction that might lead you to prefer one person’s company over others.’

Consequently, according to McBride, we can find someone emotionally attractive without also being physically attracted to them, and vice versa.

See Attraction / 9 »

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | The Independent Collegian |

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UNFAITHFUL RELATIONSHIPS

INFIDELITY How and why we cheat on love

By Ashley Diel Staff Reporter

decided then and there she would take time off from the world of romance to spare her heart the pain of another breach of trust.

Flash-forward two years — even today, Clever is still torn up and teary-eyed over her ex-fiancé’s infidelity.

“I loved him and I thought he felt the same way for me,” she said. “It’s just so strange to think that after all that time together, he felt like he needed to go and do something like that. I really wish I could understand that.”

It started as a normal Tuesday morning for Stacy Clever. Before getting out of bed, she took a few moments to appreciate the slowly-rising sun in the autumn sky.

After eating her typical breakfast of fruit and a bagel with orange juice, she got ready for morning classes. Her fiancé, tall and muscular with dark hair and eyes, had already left a few minutes earlier, telling her he would be out late because of work.

They had been high school sweethearts.

Now, both juniors at the University of Tole- The cheating epidemic do, they had managed to stick together through thick and thin and were four Unfortunately, Clever’s story isn’t that months-engaged. uncommon. Nearly 33 percent of men and Just as Clever was grabbing her back19 percent of women admit to having been pack, she noticed her fiancé had left his unfaithful in a relationship, according to a laptop open. When she approached it, 2011 survey conducted jointly by the Norshe saw his Facebook account was up mal Bar and the Huffington Post. and a private message was open and However, the real numblinking. ber of unfaithful partners It was to a mysterious is hard to measure. After “I loved him and I girl Clever had never all, who wants to admit met, and her heart thought he felt the they’ve cheated? plunged through her same way for me,” According to a 2014 stomach when she saw study by ABC news, she said. “It’s just her fiancé’s lie glaring more than 50 percent of back at her from the so strange to think married women cheat at screen — he wasn’t going that after all that some point on their to work that night; he spouse, as do a whopwas going to this woman’s time together, he ping 70 percent of marhouse. felt like he needed ried men.

After numbly mudto go and do someThe numbers don’t lie. dling through the series But why do men seem to of correspondence, thing like that. I cheat more often than Clever couldn’t deny it. really wish I could women? Mark Triff, a Her fiancé was cheating understand that.” fourth-year business maon her. jor, thinks it comes down And that day wasn’t to biology and impulsive the only day. The flirty STACY CLEVER decisions. messages dated back for UT student months. Even before “I think that it’s safe to their engagement, he say that for the most part, had been seeing another woman behind men have stronger sexual impulses,” Triff her back and was making frequent said. “Those impulses make them act out in nighttime visits to her house. those ways more often. They don’t utilize Emotionally-shattered and utterly dev- their self-control and they act on impulse instead. That isn’t to say that women don’t astated, Clever immediately called her cheat because they definitely do, but in my fiancé and told him it was over. She

opinion, they don’t do it as much since for the most part they don’t have as high of a sex drive.”

Triff said though he understands why guys get such a bad reputation he thinks they are sometimes unjustly accused.

“Girls a lot of times take what guys do out of context,” he said. “If a guy so much as glances at a girl, they think it’s cheating, which it isn’t.”

That raises another question: how can you tell if your partner is cheating?

According to Triff, it’s easier to tell if a man is cheating because he’ll be “more open about it” and not as good at concealing it from his partner. On the other hand, he thinks women are “smarter at hiding it.”

Rather than focusing on statistics and facts, Clever believes the emphasis should be on those whose lives are devastated by an unfaithful partner.

“What matte rs is that people need to realize that cheating hurts and it will hurt people that you care about,” she said.

Blurred lines on social media For Clever, infidelity came dressed as an undeniable affair. But in a social media-obsessed society of typing, texting, tweeting and online messaging, the lines are sometimes blurred.

“I think that it can be hard to know when something is cheating or not on social media,” said Alfred Brown, a secondyear pharmacy major. “Something as simple as liking someone’s picture can be them checking that person out or it could mean that they just like the picture.”

With the sky-rocketing popularity of social media websites, it’s no surprise these people have been caught red-handed in the growing number of online cheating incidences.

More than 20 percent of divorces cite Facebook and 80 percent of divorce lawyers have reported an increase in the number of cases that use messages from social media as evidence, according to a 2010 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers. The New York Daily News also reports that about 80 percent of all divorce cases use some kind of social media to communicate with lovers.

Brown said trying to discern flirting from innocent interactions on social media can be frustrating for men.

“I think that it is really annoying when girls talk to guys a lot on social media,” Brown said. “I mean, it’s fine for them to have guy friends, but I think that, at least in a guy’s perspective, it starts to look like they are cheating.”

The same also applies to women.

“I’ve talked to girls who have told me about how they hate it when their boyfriends talk a lot to girls online or check out their pictures a lot,” Brown said.

Patch it up or throw it away?

Your partner has messed up — but we all make mistakes…right? What justifies blatantly ending a relationship versus trying to make it work?

For some, a single act of disrespect is enough to call it quits.

“As soon as I feel disrespected, whether See Cheating / 9 »

8 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015 COMMENTARY

Sisters by chance, friends by choice How family hardships brought my sisters and me together

PHOTOS COURTESY OF MORGAN RINCKEY

Left to right: Morgan (left and center), Mallory (middle and right) and Monica (right and left). From 1995 to 2015, the Rinckey sisters have grown from their childhood days of fighting into now being more understanding sisters. After recent hardships tested their family, they came together and learned how to cherish one another.

MORGAN RINCKEY OPINION EDITOR

When I was a kid, my best friends were my sisters — but I wasn’t my sisters’ best friend. They bonded for two years before I was born, quickly becoming the best of friends and purposely not giving me an invitation to the club.

But it wasn’t for lack of trying.

I tried every trick in the book to befriend them. Always donating my time and services, I was determined to be a helpful little sister and was fueled by the desire for their acceptance.

My 10-year-old sister Monica needed help moving cinder blocks so she could build a sturdy foundation for her fort in the backyard.

At only 10, she lacked the muscle to do the job alone and recruited me — a 6-year-old — to help carry the blocks.

Try as I might, that concrete block slipped out of my hands and straight onto her foot. I looked at her and ran, because I knew if she caught me, I would be dead before I turned 7. Now one of her toenails still doesn’t grow. But in my defense, if a 10-year-old can’t lift a cinder

block, then adding a six-year-old to the equation probably doesn’t increase the odds by much.

I liked hanging out with them, but they didn’t seem to enjoy my company one bit. I was in a pickle: how do you connect with your sisters if they won’t talk to you?

So naturally, I would snoop around Mallory’s room to read her diary and learn about her mysterious life. Her diary, which she never kept up-to-date, clued me in on what she was up to. My mission overrode my guilt; if the diary was supposed to be private, why was it poorly hidden in one of her drawers?

Years have since then passed as they typically do. They moved out of the house, and I commute to college from home, each of us set on pursuing our own separate destinies. However, what we didn’t anticipate were the instances of turmoil that would soon test our family’s strength.

In the past year, there has been a string of explosions set off one by one.

My brother labeled himself a prankster after he graphically vandalized a football field late one summer night, ruining his name and future when his name was released to the media. Shortly after that, my sister discovered her husband had been cheating on her.

And it got worse. Doctors spotted something strange in my dad’s lung that looked potentially like cancer. Our entire family spent a few weeks nervously pacing and mentally preparing for the worst. Luckily the results showed it wasn’t cancer, and he had it biopsied over spring break.

“I liked hanging out with them, but they didn’t seem to enjoy my company one bit. I was in a pickle: how do you connect with your sisters if they won’t talk to you?”

The anxiety of the future, the heartbreak and life-scare sparked a change in the relationship I had with my sisters.

Our communication has improved tenfold. During the long days and nights waiting for news about dad, we would keep each other updated by text. If my dad was in surgery or my brother’s court dates were postponed, one of us would fill in

the others immediately.

During the rare moments we all spend time together instead of fighting, arguing or bickering, we actually talk now. Instead of spitting snippy comments of aggression, we understand the value of peace. After all, none of us know when the last time we might see each other could be.

With age comes wisdom; but learning what’s truly important in life isn’t always a gentle process. For my sisters and me, the frailty of life was made apparent in such a way that there’s no returning to the former days before our eyes were opened. The value of family is immeasurable.

Now that I’m in college, my sisters treat me like a friend and confidant — a nice change up from feeling like the odd child out. I’m proud to say we’re long past the days when my sister hit me over the head with a hardcover Harry Potter novel. Instead of looking at me as the little sister who couldn’t keep up because her dress kept getting stuck in her tricycle tires, they see me as an equal.

My best friends are my sisters, and I hope I’m my sisters’ best friend too.

Morgan Rinckey is a second-year double-majoring in English and Communication and is the Opinion Editor for The Independent Collegian.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | The Independent Collegian |

Attraction

from page 6

“In some of my own research on women’s sexual arousal, we found that some women said they were most sexually-aroused by their partner when that person was engaged in a task where they displayed a talent, like playing the piano, while other women said that they were most turned on by a partner that was able to stimulate them physically,” McBride says.

Peas in a pod or opposites take all?

According to McBride, a large body of evidence suggests we’re attracted to those similar to ourselves. But like the lure of a revving engine, we’re also drawn to the thrill — making partners starkly different from us quite appealing.

“What science has found is that the idea may be true in the short-term because some people are drawn to novelty,” McBride said.

“But over time, these relationships don’t tend to last unless there are some basic points of similarity and partner differences have to compliment one another.”

The alignment of attitudes and values, according to McBride, is crucial for a healthy relationship.

“Things like personality can be more variable or activities — like if you like a certain activity and your partner doesn’t — that

Cheating from page 7

it’s text messages or physical activities, I would consider terminating the relationship,” said Selina Hairston, a firstyear art history major. “I believe that when you really want to be with someone, you won’t do things to jeopardize the relationship.”

Yet for others, like first-year theater major Cheyenne Culbertson, there’s some wiggle room. Culbertson said she could tolerate some mistakes and misunderstandings, but sexual interaction of any kind with someone other than your partner is the one line nobody should cross.

“Once it becomes sex, we’re done,” Culbertson said. “No ‘I’m sorry,’ no making up.

You’re out of my life for good, and I won’t want to see you ever again.”

Brown said he thinks everyone makes mistakes, but your partner’s integrity as a whole should be considered if they break your trust.

“I think that it can be hard to give a second chance after you have been hurt,”

kind of thing doesn’t matter as long as you’re on the same page about how you approach the world,” McBride said.

Digging into the past According to Walsh, all humans develop a predisposition for a certain romantic attachment style within their first three years of life.

This “blueprint for love” is molded by your childhood environment — whether pleasant, disturbing, nurturing or abusive — and will be part of your lifelong psychology.

“If soul mates really existed, our divorce rate wouldn’t be as high as it is and people wouldn’t fall in and out of love so frequently.”

PATRICIA CASE Sociology and anthropology chair

“That blueprint then becomes their roadmap for love and they go out into the adult world and start to become attracted to people who trigger those same phenomenon in their brain that reminds them of what happened in their early life,” Walsh said.

If you find yourself in a rut falling for the same type of person over and over again, examine your blueprint.

he said. “However, if you feel like they are truly sorry and can tell that they will not do it again, then they do deserve a second chance.”

Answering the hard questions Discovering your partner is cheating can be devastating, but coping with the consequences of the situation can be even harder.

Though Clever said she’s moved on, she admits that she still struggles at times with dating.

“Sometimes I feel myself back away from guys because I feel like I might get hurt again,” she said. “I know that isn’t fair to them since they haven’t done anything to me, but at the same time I can’t help it.”

According to Clever, the hardest part of coming to terms with what happened is trying to figure out what drove her ex to seek out another woman.

“I don’t know, but to me, I could never see myself doing something like that,” Clever said.

Statistically speaking, Clever’s ex is more

“That’s why girls who are victims of trauma in early life — sexual abuse, physical abuse, emotional abuse — tend to love those bad boys, the ones that can’t love them back because this time they’re going to make daddy love them, right?” Walsh said.

Finding the one(s) It’s a hot debate — do we each have a divinely ordained soul mate or is happily ever after open to anyone?

The experts are going with the latter.

“I don’t believe in soul mates. I think it’s a nice idea, but I don’t believe it,” Case said.

“If soul mates really existed, our divorce rate wouldn’t be as high as it is and people wouldn’t fall in and out of love so frequently. My personal opinion is that we’re compatible with a whole bunch of different people and we can make a relationship with any of the people that we’re compatible with work.”

If you want to narrow the field and find compatible relationship partners quickly, Case said “you need to not hook up.”

Avoid an “undefined sex and text relationship,” as Walsh frankly puts it. Instead, you should be “asking questions about values and family long before you’re having sex.”

“Don’t be afraid to get to the real issues on the first date,” Walsh said. “Ask about family of origin, what kind of relationship did you have with your mother, how close are you to your family?”

likely to cheat again. According to a 2014 study conducted by Denver University, people who have cheated on their partner in a past relationship are three and a half times more likely to be unfaithful in a future relationship.

“I think that it can be hard to give a second chance after you have been hurt.

However, if you feel like they are truly sorry and can tell that they will not do it again, then they do deserve a second chance.”

ALFRED BROWN Second-year pharmacy major

If cheating causes so much heartache, then why do we repeatedly do it? Even the experts have difficulty agreeing.

Kevin Anderson, a Toledo psychologist and marriage counselor of over 10 years,

9

Because of the “mere-exposure effect,” McBride explains that we’re often attracted to people we encounter more frequently, which is why people fall in love with someone they grew up with.

She advises people to step away from computers and cell phones to “get out and do things that allow you to meet people who might be like you.”

Sex might just tip the scale in your favor — that is, if you wait.

According to Walsh’s book, “The 30-Day Love Detox,” having sex within 30 days of meeting someone equates to a 90 percent chance of breaking up in one year. However, if you wait 31 to 90 days, there’s a one in four chance you’ll be together one year later. And your chances only get better the longer you hold off.

Once sex starts, Walsh warns that you lose your ability to fairly assess your partner, comparing it to “taking a drug.”

“No matter what they say or do, you think they’re perfect,” she said.

Rather than actively seeking out relationships, Case encourages people to build a life that makes them happy.

“I think the best relationships honestly grow out of friendships and the best friendships grow out of the relationships that you build while you’re building a life you’re content with,” Case said. “If you’re out there looking for a relationship, that’s your way of saying there’s something about my life that I’m not happy with, and you need to build a life you’re happy with. Then you’re not looking for somebody to fix it.”

said he feels young people often cheat because they are not genuinely committed to their relationships.

“They’re in a relationship, but they’re keeping their eyes open for whoever comes along,” Anderson said. “They think it’s nothing serious.”

However, according to Bill Roman, a Toledo counselor specializing in relationships, a lack of loyalty stems from an insufficient attachment to early childhood figures like parents. This lack of attention can negatively affect self-confidence.

“I think a lot of insecurity in relationships can be traced back to some not-sogood relationships in one’s family,” Roman said.

For Clever, the reason why her ex cheated will always be a mystery — but she won’t let it stop her from finding love.

“Yeah, it is hard to get over, but I’m just going to keep trying until I get there,” Clever said. “It is going to take a little more time for me, but I know that in the end I will find someone who is perfect for me and then what he did won’t even matter anymore.”

10 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015

His life, her story, one love LGBTQA COMMUNITY

Four students talk about their sexual identity and how it has shaped their lives

JACK ALFERIO

By Colleen Anderson Co-News Editor

From picking out a nickname to deciding the right time to say “I love you,” every relationship has its own unique set of circumstances and difficulties that must be overcome.

However, having a different sexuality or gender identity can sometimes complicate those challenges in ways you might not consider.

To help shed light on some of these issues, we’ve spoken to lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender individuals from the University of Toledo community to find out how their sexuality and identity has shaped both their relationships and their lives.

JACK Identifies as transgender Jack Alferio is a transgender man in his first-year at UT majoring in social work.

Though Alferio was designated female at birth, he now identifies as male and is determined to be an example to others. His shinning passion for activism is obvious to anyone who meets him, as he’s involved in groups like Trans Ohio and Equality Toledo.

However, he’s far from self-absorbed.

When asked about himself, he immediately re-directed the question to focus on how he enjoys working with others instead.

“Helping other people really helps myself and makes me feel good about myself, so when I’m able to help other people learn about themselves or learn about a community they don’t know much about, it does

LAVELLE RIDLEY help me in return,” Alferio said.

The more difficult question for Alferio is his sexuality — right now, he’s questioning.

Though he’s been identifying as bisexual since the age of 13, he said he’s now starting to lean toward preferring men.

Though he didn’t hesitate when asked about his preferred gender pronouns, Alferio did admit that being able to refer to himself as a man wasn’t easy in the beginning and took a lot of courage.

“I couldn’t say the words ‘I’m a boy’ for the longest time, because it just didn’t feel right,” he said. “But I started talking about it more and then I started binding my chest, and then I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m going to transition.”

During that same time he still identified as a female, Alferio had been in a relationship with a woman. His girlfriend had been under the impression she was in a typical lesbian relationship — that is, before he told her the news.

To his delight, even afterward, she still supported him unconditionally.

“She was just with me every step of the way,” Alferio said. “She was really supportive, she always used my pronouns and she always used my name. There was really no hesitation to support me. It was pretty excellent actually.”

However, Alferio said he felt the way in which others looked at his relationship began to change after he transitioned. He said the everyday observer started to consider his relationship with his girlfriend a heterosexual one, something he described as a doubleedged sword.

SARAH VOGEL “Outsiders suddenly saw us just as a heterosexual couple, which was kind of sad because I don’t like losing my queer identity,” he said. “But like, at the same time I was being seen for who I was for the first time in my life, so that was nice.”

He and his girlfriend stayed together for three years, both during and after his transition.

When they did eventually break up, it was on good terms. Without bitterness in his voice, he said the two of them are still good friends and that he’s happy to still have her in his life.

While Alferio said he’s never run into anyone who was confrontational about his gender identity or relationships, he has received his fair share of curious questions, including some invasive ones. In fact, he recalled being asked one just a couple days prior at work.

“Someone asked me how I have sex, and I was like ‘All right,’” he said. “It was very inappropriate, and I was like, ‘I’m not going to answer that.’”

Regardless of the rude behavior he experiences at times from others, his personality and demeanor is still casual and relaxed. Dealing with questions like this is simply a part of his life, and he believes he’s come to an understanding of where the questions stem from.

“Just the unknown, I think. They’re like, ‘This is different from me, and I need to know everything about what’s different than me,’” he said.

When asked for advice to give to others who may be struggling with their gender identity or sexuality while in a relationship, Alferio took a moment to consider his response. Instead of

STEPHANIE CLENDENEN sounding like a clinical poster or Internet ad, he took on the role of a supportive friend and mentor, showing earnest concern for his community members.

“Be safe, first,” he said. “If you don’t feel safe coming out, if you don’t feel safe in your relationship because your person, your significant other, wants you to come out, I would definitely just be open and talk about that, but your safety is number one.”

LAVELLE Identifies as gay Lavelle Ridley is a third-year double-majoring in English literature and Africana studies, and is currently working towards graduate school. Ridley identifies as gay, and is the former president of Spectrum, a position that keeps him active and socially involved. Ridley said as president, he tries his best to watch over Spectrum members, a task he finds stressful but fun and rewarding.

While Ridley is comfortable in his sexuality, romantic relationships are one avenue that he’s never explored. He explained that part of his decision revolves around a conscious focus on his schoolwork rather than dating since he has high standards and definite goals for himself.

“My early years of college, it started off as I really couldn’t find anyone that I thought was worthy, or you know, someone that I could really see myself with,” he said. “These later years it’s been more of a choice, because I’m focusing See LGBTQA / 11 »

Wednesday, April 1, 2015 | The Independent Collegian |

LGBTQA from page 10

more on school and things of that nature.”

However, school isn’t the only thing stopping him from going out and finding a boyfriend. Ridley is unapologetically particular about the type of guy he’s willing to date.

“A lot of my friends tell me I’m very picky and that I’m very stuck up,” he said. “Like you have to have so many credentials, like you have to have the most perfect resume to date me — which is not true,” he said, playfully pretending to be outraged before he considered it a moment.

“Well, it’s kind of true. It’s not really true, but it kind of is,” he said with a laugh.

When asked what some of the qualities are that he’d like to see on a hypothetical dating resume, he jokingly suggested the president of the United States before jumping into a slightly more realistic list.

Right off the bat, Ridley said aesthetic appeal is a must. He knows different things are beautiful to different people and wants someone that is aesthetically appealing to him. He won’t date someone too far off from his own age, and it wouldn’t hurt his chances to be a good cook, either. Even more important is the person’s direction in life.

“I couldn’t have someone that’s just sitting at home, like ‘okay, I’ll be here when you get back,’” he said, giving his best imitation of a typical couch potato. “I get back and they’re still right there in the same spot. I can’t have that; I can’t do it.”

Most importantly, Ridley said he wants a relationship that will last for a long time.

“I wouldn’t date someone knowing that I won’t stay with them for a good amount of time,” he said. “I want to date someone that I already know.”

While he doesn’t feel any particular hurry to find his dream guy right now, he said he still goes through occasional periods of wanting a relationship.

“I’ll go to the clubs and the bars, and I’ll see a bunch of couples that are kissing and making out and all that, which I think is really beautiful,” he said. “You do whatever, express your love. But I look at that and I’m just like, I want to be in a relationship too.”

When the right time comes along, he’s sure he’ll know exactly what he’s looking for.

But for now, he said being surrounded by his friends is more than enough.

SARAH Identifies as lesbian Sarah Vogel is a third-year music education major who identifies as a lesbian. Her love for music extends far beyond classes, too. Vogel is the parliamentarian and membership committee chair of the national honor band fraternity Kappa Kappa Psi and president of the Ohio Collegiate Education Music Association at UT.

While music and the desire to teach have been important parts of her life for a long time, Vogel’s realization of her sexuality is a more recent development. Growing up, Vogel always considered herself straight and was even in a four-year long relationship with a boy when she met her current girlfriend.

“I wouldn’t date someone knowing that I won’t stay with them for a good amount of time. I want to date someone that I already know.”

LAVELLE RIDLEY A junior double-majoring in English literature and Africana studies

Realizing her feelings were changing was tough to accept, and she struggled with it for some time before finally realizing who she was falling for. Instead of another boy, Vogel began noticing a girl named Cole, who is now her girlfriend of two years. Originally, she heard about Cole from other people who looked up to or admired her, and decided she wanted to find out more for herself.

“Everybody thought that Cole was the coolest person,” she said. “I wanted to hang out with her and I did, and I got what everybody was saying.”

Even now, the memory brings a smile to her face. When asked if she plans to be with her girlfriend long-term, she blushed, her voice dropping almost shyly.

“Yeah, I do,” she said, smiling.

Unfortunately, the biggest hurdle to face was not just her own self-acceptance of her sexuality. Coming out to her parents was something Vogel said she will never forget.

“The next day, they came up here in my dorm and were screaming at me and telling me how it was a terrible decision, blah blah blah,” she said. “It’s kind of hard, looking back now to pick out specific things.”

Overcoming her brother’s initial reaction provided yet another challenge for her. Vogel said she and her brother had always been close, but that his attitude toward people with other sexualities was less than accepting. Even now, Vogel said she feels guilty for the position she put him in.

“Because he’s more connected to me on social media than my parents are, he kind of knew that I was lying for so long and that made it really hard on him,” she said. “I still feel bad even though everything’s fine now that he worked so hard to keep that trust with me even though he was not okay with anything.”

Though her relationship with her parents is better now, she said it was an uphill battle to get there. For a while, she avoided mentioning her relationship to her parents in order to avoid conflict, but eventually she decided she

couldn’t take it any longer.

“It was just eating me up and affecting me in many ways because I’ve always been very close with my parents and my siblings and stuff,” she said.

However, her parents eventually allowed Vogel to bring her girlfriend around and have even made attempts to get to know her.

When asked if there was anything she thinks would have helped her during that difficult time, she struggled to search for an answer.

“I think if I had more allies at home during that summer of being secretive, it would have helped me not necessarily with my relationship, but with myself,” she said, voice trembling and eyes filling with tears. “Because I felt like my parents were treating me very differently, especially my mom.”

After seeking help from the UT Counseling Center, she said it’s allowed her to move past some of the things she used to struggle with.

“It’s a great resource that we have here,” she said. “You might think that one thing’s wrong within how you’re feeling, and they may help you see that it’s something else, and show you how to confront it.”

Though she also worked to reconcile her faith with her sexuality for a long time, she said she no longer feels conflicted about the two.

“Love is love, and there’ll be forgiveness whether it’s right or wrong,” she said. “I think that’s super important, and I think that’s what makes me feel like even if I’m not being a proper Catholic, it’s going to be okay.”

STEPHANIE Identifies as bisexual Stephanie Clendenen is a public health graduate student at UT who identifies as bisexual. On top of holding down a job, Clendenen participates in organizations where she does everything from studying the algal bloom problem that plagued Toledo over the summer to serving as a committee member of the Green Fund at UT. Clendenen describes herself as the type of person who used to ‘window shop’ for her next relationship while the one she was in was beginning to wind down.

“Towards the end of my relationship with the previous boyfriend, I would look for other people and flirt around,” she said. “I would break up with one, maybe wait a week and then start going out with the other guy.”

A devastating breakup with her previous boyfriend took her by surprise, sending her into a deep depression. Clendenen said the experience completely changed her views on relationships and how she looked for partners.

“I did nothing wrong, but he never gave me a reason why he broke up with me and that hurt me a lot because I was blindsided by it,” she said.

“I went through a massive depression and wouldn’t eat for a month, didn’t sleep.”

The process of finding her current boyfriend was completely different from her previous ways. Instead of actively looking

11

for a relationship, she said the two met more naturally. Before being her boyfriend, he had been one of the friends who comforted her in the months after her breakup, which led to the two of them spending more time together. In fact, they even attended a Pride festival together.

“He was actually going to be my wingman,” she said, her voice full of amusement as she reflected on the irony of it. “He and I were looking for a girl for me to bring home that night, and he was a good sport about it.”

While Clendenen is currently dating a man, not all of her relationships have been with members of the opposite gender. In high school, Clendenen said she grew up suppressing any feelings for the opposite gender because she didn’t have a name for them or an understanding of what they might mean.

The first time she dated another girl, it was before she had come out to her family and friends. While the two were dating, Clendenen hid the relationship from most other people in her life, including her best friend: her mother.

The guilt and stress that resulted strained her relationship with her girlfriend, eventually resulting in their break up.

“I just felt guilty about dragging [her] through all of this when I was trying to hide it from everyone else,” she said.

“She wasn’t hidden. She was out, and so I just felt guilty … and I didn’t want to hurt her further.”

“It was just eating me up and affecting me in many ways because I’ve always been very close to my parents and my siblings and stuff.”

SARAH VOGEL A third-year majoring in music education

It was only in the last year that Clendenen came out openly as bisexual, finally deciding to declare her sexuality to those around her.

To Clendenen’s surprise, her mother revealed she had suspected her sexuality for a long time, and the news came as no surprise.

“I told my mom, and she’s like, ‘I knew that.’ And I was like, ‘I didn’t even know that,’” she said, laughing and shaking her head incredulously.

Now, whether she’s going to Pride festivals or checking out girls with her boyfriend, Clendenen is not afraid to make her sexuality known and treats it with the same open, unapologetic acceptance as she treats any other aspect of her personality.

“I don’t care who knows,” she said. “I’m one of those people that if you ask me a question, you better be prepared because I’m not going to hold back.”

12 | The Independent Collegian | Wednesday, April 1, 2015 COMMENTARY

Miles apart but never at heart ALEXANDRIA SABA COMMUNITY EDITOR

We hugged one last time and when I got in the car, he shut my door for me.

As I buckled myself in for the long drive home, I watched as the boy I spent so many days and nights with walked away from me and into the door of his new home.

This was one of the hardest moments of my life to just sit back and watch, knowing that I couldn’t change it. This was how our lives were going to be for the next couple of years.

Long-distance relationships are something college students hear about all the time, but don’t actually consider putting themselves through. I know I didn’t think I was going to find a boyfriend in high school that I would want to spend the rest of my life with — that’s what college is for, right? But I met my boyfriend, Paul, my junior year of high school and we’ve been together ever since.

I decided to go to The University of Toledo and a year later, he decided to go to Miami University of Ohio, and so began our long-distance relationship.

I never doubted that we could make it through the distance. I knew it was going to be hard, but I supported his decision to go away to college. I wanted what he felt was best for him, even if that meant we would be apart for a long time.

However, my friends thought differently.

My friends would come up to me and ask if Paul and I had broken up yet, to which of course I would answer that we weren’t going to break up. Why would we?

I never understood why it was even an option. It wasn’t like we didn’t have technology or cars; it wasn’t the Middle Ages. I knew we would still be able to talk and see each other, but that it would just be less than what we get to do now.

I didn’t understand why my friends were so adamant about us breaking up.

When I discussed it with one of my closest friends, she would tell me all the bad things she thought could happen. Though she said she supported

my decision to stay with him, I knew it was only a front and that she didn’t believe we would actually make it through college. Frustrated, I didn’t understand why they didn’t see things how I saw them and why they didn’t want me to be happy.

But that was just the issue — I learned that they did care about my happiness, but they just saw it differently than I did.

They thought I would be happier with someone closer to home so I would have fewer hardships.

But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that there are struggles in every relationship, regardless of whether it’s long-distance or not.

Another one of my friends was in the same situation as I was, but she decided to end things with her boyfriend. They too had been high school sweethearts since freshman year, but one day she just decided their relationship wasn’t worth the distance.

She told me she didn’t want to try to make it work because the distance was going to be too hard.

I was shocked. I never understood how she could just let her boyfriend slip away like that.

This bugged me more than I can put into words. My boyfriend is an important part of my life and the distance is not going to change that. People often think that relationships started in high school cannot make it through the strain of the distance of college, but I wasn’t willing to give up a great person because we were going to be a little further away from one another.

I chose to fight for the relationship we had built and for the boy that I love. This proved to be hard, though, because my friends weren’t the only ones against the idea — my mom was too.

Now, I don’t want it to sound like everyone in my life hated my boyfriend, because that’s not the case. Everyone loved him, but they hated the idea that we would have to be so far apart and have to go through more struggles.

My mom wanted me to explore my options. She wanted me to have fun in college and not be tied down to one person. It was kind of strange coming from my mother, but I understand what she meant.

Yes, he was and still is my first boyfriend. But what my mom doesn’t understand is that I’m not missing out on anything. In fact, I’m experiencing everything that I want to. I’ve learned that I want to explore the world with just one person by my side — my boyfriend.

I understand that my friends and my mom want what is best for me, but I’ve found that already. I’ve found him.

One thing that I have truly learned from this experience is that you need to have the courage to fight for what you want and what you think is right for you.

I have had to answer many questions

“I’ve learned that people are more willing to take the easy route, even if that means it isn’t the one they truly want. Me on the other hand — I don’t like the easy routes.” about my relationship with Paul and where I thought it was going. I had to tell people that he was leaving and my feelings on our situation. I had to make sure that people knew that I was willing to fight the miles and the lonely nights, just because he is the one.

I’ve learned that people are more willing to take the easy route, even if that means it isn’t the one they truly want. Me on the other hand — I don’t like the easy routes. I’m more than willing to have my relationship pushed to the extreme and make it out in one piece than to just quit before I have even started.

I get that the distance is large, scary and is

something that I cannot control; it will always be there like a weight that won’t lift off my chest. It holds me down and reminds me that no matter how many times we talk on the phone or send a text, we are still not together.

But that only fuels my fire.

The distance shows me that my relationship is worth everything. I don’t know what I would be without Paul. To be honest, I don’t know who I would be without him either. He makes me my best self, even when he’s 200 miles away.

No, we aren’t perfect but we have been able to make it this far.

Who’s to say you and your significant other can’t?

Alexandria Saba is a second-year English major and the community editor for The Independent Collegian.