Queer + queer kink relationship

JAMAL GROOTBOOM jamald.grootboom@inl.co.za

We spoke to Amp and Mr Kristofer about their relationship, the kink community and how the coronavirus pandemic has affected their lives

RELATIONSHIPS in the queer community come in all forms and sizes, but a community that doesn’t get the same amount of attention is the kink and leather set.

YouTuber Amp and porn star and director Mr Kristofer have used their YouTube channel WattsTheSafeWord to educate, entertain and enlighten viewers on sex positivity, the kink community and all things queer.

We spoke to them about their relationship, the kink community and how the Covid-19 pandemic has affected their lives.

How did you meet and when did you decide to become partners?

We met at IML 2014 while Kristofer was doing bondage demos for his booth called BoundJocks. Amp came by the booth and asked how and when he could be tied up for a “demo”. We did a demo that ended far too quickly, and like a lost puppy he came back the following year. We hit it off and kept in contact.

Eight months later, after a longdistance fling, Kris officially collared Amp as his only pup.

Polyamorous is still a new concept for many people. What was your first conversation about being poly and open?

Truthfully, we didn’t actually have that conversation at the beginning, but were still a little wishy-washy on wanting a real relationship, so it very much started open. Amp was the pup, Kris was the Daddy and then we just kinda flowed organically.

Kristofer had always had doms that were in and out of the picture, but the pup was a constant, and it wasn’t until Kristofer brought a boy into the mix that we sat down and talked about all of the poly dynamics.

Why do you think many people are averse to polyamory and open relationships?

We have been brought up in mostly heteronormative households and get fed a steady diet of being monogamous. It’s the perpetuated stigma around different relationships that makes people so averse to trying new things.

In reality, being able to communicate about the complexities of jealousy, consent, open relationships, brought us closer together. Religion plays a large factor in what we tell ourselves is socially acceptable as well, as does a lack of representation for those that are poly, open or monogamish; there just aren’t enough people normalising or having those conversations out in the open.

Pup Amp and Mr Kristofer say a love of bondage brought them together.

How does being kinksters play a part in your relationship?

Well, our mutual love of bondage is what first brought us together, so that remains a big part of our relationship today, but obviously, it’s grown past that with the content we now create every week on the internet. We each encourage the other to explore the kinks that turn them on.

Why do you think queer people are more open when it comes to unconventional relationships?

Queer people don’t traditionally have the confines of legal marriage or kids to make them remain in a relationship they are unhappy in, so they give themselves the option to explore other people when things get rough. In the case of unconventional relationships, this is both a good and a bad thing, because sometimes sticking it out can have its unexpected rewards.

What is some advice you can give someone who would like to be in a polyamorous and open relationship?

Three words. Communication. Compromise. Compersion. Communication: talk about your dynamics with each other and set the rules that work for you both, talk about wants, needs and how this or that makes you feel. Compromise comes next: It shows you care about your partner and what they want. And finally, compersion, an empathetic state of happiness experienced when another individual experiences happiness. Compersion is pretty much the opposite of jealousy.

You have YouTube and Twitch platforms through WattsTheSafeWord.com – what was the reason for starting the channel and being so open about life as a kinkster?

The YouTube channel started about six years ago due to Amp, whose main source of entertainment was YouTube personalities. He and his friend Bolt started the channel because there was a lack of kinky education, but more importantly, LGBTQIA+ channels that covered topics seriously.

Pup Amp and Mr Kristofer, aka Daddy.

The show started very bare-bones with little production experience. That was until Daddy came along! Mr Kristofer was a porn star and director for 30-plus years and had tons of production and on-camera experience (even if it was mostly naked).

Together we both just continued to live our lives as we always did, like an open book, and providing lived experiences in front of a camera.

How has the pandemic affected your relationships?

The better question is how hasn’t it affected everyone’s relationships?

Kristofer stopped seeing all other people and we’ve just kept each other in our close pod of contact. It has made us stronger and more understanding of each other’s needs. We have never been closer, but at the same time sex – sometimes its hard to feel into because of the stresses Covid causes in all other areas of your life.

Why do you think there is still a stigma attached to members of the kink community?

We’ve always viewed our kink identities as a second coming-out. Sometimes the shame and stigma we’ve been taught about kink our entire lives takes a long time to overcome.

Similarly, kinksters have to fight how the media uses the trope of kink and BDSM as a joke or the dirty little secret in movies, TV and books.

What is the best way for people to overcome kink shaming?

We get that it may not turn you on, but it does for others, so why spoil their good time? If the person isn’t trolling you, they might just not realise how their stigma affects others, and having a quick convo around “why” this person feels this way might provide a moment of clarity. The best way to combat stigma is by providing that opportunity to teach someone.

Pup Amp and Mr Kristofer believe that education is the way to overcome stigma.