emPOWER Magazine - Spring 2010 by Indigo Productions Pty Limited

SPRING 2010

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Pease 5 DO’S AND DON’TS OF BODY LANGUAGE

WEIGHING IN ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOSING WEIGHT?

WHO

was I? Dr.

DEMARTINI

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10 “Persistence leads to victory” With an amazing 14 years under her belt on Channel Nine’s Getaway, self-confessed chatterbox, Catriona Rowntree talks to emPOWER about life, love, her longevity on TV and how life has changed since the birth of baby Andrew.

24 A woman on a mission At the age of 27, Julie McKay is one of the youngest Executive Directors of a national women’s organisation in Australia, an achievement that Julie says is confronting and exciting on a daily basis. Be inspired by her passion and plans for UNIFEM Australia.

14 Your body speaks Discover the top five body language do’s and don’ts and how you can tell if someone is lying.

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16 Grateful ever after Learn to foster an attitude of gratitude in the seven areas of your life.

18 Who was I? Learn seven simple steps to discover your past lives

20 Change your sex script Understand your personality in the bedroom and change the role you play.

22 The mysteries of MFDA Find out about Modern Female Dating Anxiety and what to do about it.

26 Are you getting enough? Understand the new exercise guidelines to make sure you’re getting enough.

27 Are you afraid of losing weight? Discover the eight common fears of losing weight and what you can do about them.

28 Stop ‘shoulding’ Change your behaviour to make sustainable steps for improved wellbeing.

30 It’s all about fun Naomi Simson of RedBalloon shares her ‘warts and all’ story from start-up to success.

32 A bit of foreplay Overcome financial ignorance and achieve profitable growth in your business.

35 Courageous conversations

Learn the steps to bring out your inner bravery and get the outcome you want.

36 It’s in the FACE Understand a person’s FACE profile and communicate better.

38 Is debt making you sick Get out of debt and combat impulse spending forever.

39 Investing in tax Find out why investing for a tax deduction is not wise investing.

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From the desk… Your Say Meet the Experts Acts of Kindness

34 Great Reads 40 Change Your Life in 15 Minutes

From the desk... Ahhh, don’t you just love spring; the days are getting longer and the air is losing its chill. At the time of writing, my daughter has just hit the nine-month mark and I have been reflecting on the fact that she has really become my teacher. As I watch her going about her day, she amazes me with her persistence and determination; from pulling herself up on a chair to climbing the three steps leading from our lounge to kitchen. I can almost see the thought process when she knows what she wants. She doesn’t give up just because it is hard or doesn’t work the first 10 times. She keeps going, doing things a little different each time until she has success. It’s a great lesson. With a 12-month-old, one woman I know who has also gotten this lesson is the gorgeous Catriona Rowntree who graces our cover this issue. I had the pleasure of interviewing Catriona and what a joy! In just minutes I felt like we were old friends catching up over a coffee. I was very interested to find out about life on the farm, her longevity on Channel Nine’s Getaway (an amazing 14 years traveling the world) and why, when she found out she was pregnant, she feared losing her job. I’m also very excited to present the powerhouse husband and wife team of Allan and Barbara Pease as guest writers in this issue. Best known for their knowledge of, and entertaining approach to, body language, Allan and Barbara teach the top five body language dos and don’ts and also explain how you can tell if someone is lying. Hmmm! We are also blessed to be joined once again by Dr John Demartini, sharing his immense wisdom in this issue (I told you it was a bumper). Read his latest article ‘Grateful ever after’ on page16. If you ever hear yourself say “I should lose weight” or “I should exercise more” you’ll love the article ‘Stop Shoulding’ on page 28. I could certainly relate to this and was eager to find out how to stop ‘shoulding’ and start making sustainable changes to my health. For a ‘warts and all’ expose about business, check out our business profile on Naomi Simson of RedBalloon (p30). One gutsy lady who went from folding her own envelops in front of the TV at night to a multi-million dollar business. Also in business, Rhondalynn Korolak joins us again this issue to show you how to put ‘A bit of foreplay’ into yours (p32). Let go of financial ignorance and achieve some serious business growth. A final article I wanted to mention is ‘It’s in the FACE’ (p36) which I found very interesting. In this fun article, Mike Francis teaches a simple technique to find out a person’s personality and communicate better. I’m a Chameleon-ANALYST! What are you? From all the emPOWER team, we hope you enjoy this issue and as always, we look forward to hearing from you!

Helen Rosing, Publisher

Publisher & Editor Helen Rosing helen@empoweronline.com.au Graphic Designer Design Box Cover Photography Photography courtesy of Channel Nine

Contributors Terry Bahat, Dean Bassett, Sally-Anne Blanchard, Pamela Chilton, Dr John Demartini, Mike Francis, Rhondalynn Korolak, Dr Janet Hall, Allan & Barbara Pease, Dr Angus Pyke, Andrew Verdon, Sandra Woods Production & Subscriptions admin@empoweronline.com.au P: (02) 9686 4398 Advertising gidon@empoweronline.com.au P: 0402 822 722

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Thank you for all the wonderful feedback on the magazine and website. Keep your comments and ideas coming. Email us at admin@empoweronline.com.au

favourite letter I loved the article and concept of ‘Question Thinking’ (Winter 2010). I have always considered myself a very positive person and when I first read the article, I have to admit I just assumed that it wouldn’t apply to me. I was a ‘Learner’ after all. For some reason though the article stuck in my mind over the next few days and I hate to admit that I started noticing a lot of ‘Judger’ questions in my head. Things like ‘Why can’t I do this?’ ‘Why wasn’t I asked?’ and ‘Why does he always do that? I went back to reread the article and then went straight online and downloaded the Choice Map. It now sits proudly on my fridge. I’ve taken the ‘Switching Lane’ and it’s nice to know that I’m conscious of my questions everyday.. - Gemma, via email

Thank you for the special on Stress and raising awareness for Lifeline. I got fully involved in Stress Down Day and organised an event at work that was a great success. Lifeline is a terribly undervalued oragnisation that needs our support. If we don’t support these types of organisations the day we need them they won’t be there. Plus, I love my slippers and every time I wear them it reminds me to relax. - Jodie, via email I found your article‘Mind over Body’, an insightful read. I’ve been about 10kgs overweight now for five years and it constantly depresses me. I thought I had tried everything to lose weight and had come to the conclusion that I was stuck with it. I have to say that the concept of this article is kooky. How can you just lose weight by visualising it? But, I had nothing to lose so every morning and every night I have been visualizing little pac-man eating my fat. In two weeks, and changing nothing else (I was already eating well and exercising a bit everyday), I’m proud to say I’ve lost half a kilogram. It’s not much but hey, who cares! I’m sticking to this mind diet. Melissa, via email

Thank you emPOWER! I’ve been reading the magazine since it’s inception, with Kate Ritchie on the cover, and although I preferred the hard copy version, I’m a die-hard fan. There’s nothing else out there that provides me with so much positivity and a feeling of ‘can do’. And it is just getting better and better. I love that, although I look forward to each issue of the magazine, I can now go online every week to read new columns from your coaches You provide me with more than enough motivation everyday. -Briony, via email

I quite enjoyed Rhondalynn Korolak’s article in the last issue of emPOWER (It’s not them, it’s you). Although it was ‘in your face’ I think she’s right and I know that I have fallen in the trap of blaming everyone but myself for the results of my business. The article was a bit of a wake up call for me so thank you. - Fiona, via email

I thought that my husband and I had a pretty good relationship. We don’t have sex that often but we generally feel very close and connected. It worried me to read your article ‘Lacking intimacy’, particularly when I read each of the ‘signs that emotional intimacy is suffering in your relationship’. When I shared this with my husband, while we both initially had a giggle because we could relate to each of them, it made us realise that we were on a path of disconnect. Thank you for bringing this to our attention and providing some guidance for improvement. We’ve started using some of the tips in this article and ‘Couple Connection’ to bring back intimacy. I’ve got a big smile on my face.. - Daina, via email

Submit ‘YOUR SAY’ through the website at www.empoweronline.com.au or email admin@empoweronline.com.au

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meet the experts

to all our expert contributors Terry Bahat has been involved in the wellbeing/ fitness industry for over 10 years as an accredited Health Coach and fully qualified Fitness and Pilates Instructor. She is the founder of CoreWorks and a keen keynote speaker. Terry is passionate about empowering women to successfully manage their body weight with safe, long-lasting results. Her mission is to, positively, impact women to live fulfilling, healthy and energetic lives, with no regrets.

Dean Bassett is a Financial Advisor with a passion for property and investor education. He is a Director of Destiny Castle Hill and a Co-Director of Wealth Engine. With 25 years personal experience in property and a background in adult education, investment advising and coaching he believes that knowledge and timely advice minimises the chance of investors making expensive mistakes.

Dr John Demartini is a human behavioral expert and the author of over forty books including ‘The Heart of Love’ and ‘Count Your Blessings’. He has been a welcomed guest on Larry King Live, a contributor to Oprah Magazine and featured in numerous national and international documentaries including ‘OH MY GOD’ alongside Hugh Jackman and BazLuhrmann. As the founder of The Demartini Institute, Dr Demartini travels 360 days a year and speaks in over 56 countries globally.

Allan & Barbara Pease are among the World’s foremost communication and relationship experts. The Definitive Book of Body Language offers a serious but “entertaining and humorous” view of how body language works in most life situations, business and work environments, and your personal life. Regardless of your level of fluency with body language, there is so much to learn from Allan and Barbara Pease.

Mike Francis has almost 30years experience in sales, management, training and coaching. He’s author of two books – ‘You Are Brilliant!’ and ‘FACE: The Global Language’ – a speaker, President of the International Coach Federation (ICF) in Queensland, married, father of 5, grandfather of 2, has 1 dog and is bald by choice. After climbing the corporate ladder, Mike now heads up Brillionaires Pty Ltd and, with his communication tool of FACE, helps people and organisations to build successful personal & business relationships.

Dr. Angus Pyke is the founder and director of What Actually Works - an online forum providing simple, proven and effective strategies for people to live a happier and healthier life. Angus is a sort after speaker and health coach to leaders of industry and Olympic gold medalists. His humor, compassion and simple message has helped to empower thousands to make change and live a more passionate, healthy and fulfilling life.

Pamela Chilton and Hugh Harmon Pamela Chilton, C.Ht. and her mentor and mate Hugh Harmon, Ph.D. are teachers, healers and authors who believe there is a part of you that knows everything there is to know about you. Their professional mission is to teach people how to access this part, as well as other parts of self, for selfdiscovery, spiritual growth and healing. Their spiritual mission is to help humans reverse global warming with Light, thereby saving humankind in the process.

Rhondalynn Korolak is a lawyer, chartered accountant, clinical hypnotherapist and Master of NLP and is an expert at business acceleration and the power of influence. She is the author of On The Shoulders of Giants and Financial Foreplay.

Sally-Anne Blanshard is the Career Manager for www.myambition.com, a website dedicated to helping individuals accelerate their job search and career strategy. She has over 12 years experience in consulting, specifically in the areas of talent management and career development. Sally regularly blogs on the hurdles of searching for a new job and all aspects of career management. In addition, Sally-Anne coaches candidates through interactive tutorials, workshops and one to one sessions.

Dr. Janet Hall is a Clinical Psychologist, Sex-therapist, Hypnotist, Author and Speaker. She is the author of eight books on family and relationship issues including “Sex-Wise Teens” and “Sex-life Solutions”. Her 18 CDS in the Sensational Sex Series frankly and informatively discuss sexual issues.Jan featured regularly on the television program “Sex Life” as their female sex therapist/advisor. Dr Jan is consistently in demand from the media for her expert comments.

Spring 2010

Andrew Verdon runs Beyond Exercise Studio in Sydney and has worked extensively in sports conditioning, injury rehabilitation and prevention, and athlete preparation. He works as a strength and conditioning provider to The Australian Institute of Sport and was part of the support staff for the 2004 and 2008 Australian Olympic Team; a job he will do again for both the 2012 London Olympic and Paralympic Games. His goal is to create a strong foundation that supports and assists the body in all facets of life.

Sandra Woods is a leading expert in educating and empowering women to discover their passion and live the life they deserve. She is a Channel Nine presenter on education and training, as well as CEO of one of Australia’s most successful wealth and education companies. Sandra has started, built, sold or mentored hundred’s of businesses and educated thousands of individuals – including building an award winning Home Based business from ground zero to a $6.5 million success.

We can change the world, one act at a time – a little kindness is all it takes.

t’s quite possible you have changed someone’s day without even knowing it. Perhaps you gave a welcoming smile when they were feeling left out, delivered a compliment, opened a door, offered up your seat on the bus or were generally helpful and pleasant when it was most needed. You can probably also think of moments when someone changed your day in a similar way. What happened in each of those moments is called an Act of Kindness – a small action that can make a big difference. Here’s how some of our readers are getting in on the act.

The other night, we were running late to pick up my daughter from daycare. My husband had gotten stuck behind an accident and we were on the phone frequently deciding what to do. At $5 per minute, being late is not really an option. Finally, we decided that I would take a bus to collect my daughter and then wait outside for my husband to arrive. Like a mad woman, I ran for the bus and after getting on the wrong one, I ended up 2 km from where I needed to be. Puffing and full of ‘mother guilt’ I eventually arrived to collect my child in time. My husband was still ten minutes away so I bundled her up and sat on the kerb. Tired from her big day she went straight to sleep in my arms. A car pulled out of a driveway just nearby and as they got to the end of the street they stopped, waited and then did a u-turn to come back and see if I was alright. When I explained the conundrum, they invited me to wait in their house. It was such a lovely thought and although my husband turned up at the same time, I want to thank them for their kindness. I don’t know their names but I hope that more people would do the same for a young mother waiting on the kerb in the cold. Alita – via email

street erly lady who lives down the There’s this really lovely eld a cup ng oyi enj rd ng in her courtya from me. I often see her sitti ire adm and lo hel say to stop and of tea with her two dogs. I like g ntin pla e tim nds spe she always her garden. It’s beautiful and her plants. One day, I was r afte g kin loo and new flowers ers tted a gorgeous bunch of flow walking past a florist and spo put and m ight away. I bought the that reminded me of her stra !” day ely lov a note saying, “Have them on her doorstep with a e. a lovely surpris I’m sure it would have been Jo – via email

iStockphoto

hour. For ays so busy during peak The City Centre is alw e is rushing to and on ery Ev t on the road. jus t no , an me I s ian str pede . I spotted a girl who s have somewhere to be ay alw y the – rk wo m fro the city. She ran into nk she must be new to looked really lost. I thi handbag and dropped s looking through her someone while she wa one else was just out everywhere. Every it. The contents spilled up her things. I r pped to help he pick sto I t bu r, he d un aro stepping bad impression of overwhelmed or get a too l fee to r he nt wa didn’t Helen – by email the city.

I was having sushi for lunch with my boyfriend. I think the place was called Sizzle Bento. There was a young girl sitting at the next table with her handbag in the seat beside her. I knew it was a bad idea for her to have her bag unprotected like that. Two girls walked up slowly behind her and one grabbed her bag and then they ran out with it. I wanted to do something to help and I guess my boyfriend thought the same thing. He ran out after them and got the girl’s bag back for her. She was really grateful and ended up paying for our meal in return. We didn’t know she did it until we went to the cashier to pay! Kim – via email

I had been running late for work and there was a really important meeting on that I had to get to. I found a parking spot close to the office and quickly pulled up there. I just made it to the meeting in time and everything went fine, but at about noon, I realised I hadn’t paid the parking meter. I had that really sick feeling in my stomach and knew there would be a parking find waiting for me. When I got to my car, there was something under the windscreen wipers, but it was a handwritten note that said: Sam you were rushing. Here’s one less thing to stress about today. They had paid for my parking for the whole day! Sam – via email

Submit your Act of Kindness & Win The reader to send in our favourite and most inspiring act of kindness for the next issue will win a fantastic gift pack from Affirmations. Each pack, valued at $110 contains one each of the Suzanne Maher quotations books – ESSENCE, SPIRIT and SOUL, plus a gorgeous Photographic Address Book and six inspiring Affirmations gift cards. To view the whole range of Affirmations products visit www.affirmations.com.au. Submit your Act of Kindness at empoweronline.com.au or email admin@empoweronline.com.au.

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PERSISTENCE Leads to

Victory

With an amazing 14 years under her belt on Channel Nineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Getaway, self-confessed chatterbox, Catriona Rowntree talks to emPOWER about life, love, her longevity on TV and how life has changed since the birth of baby Andrew.

Spring 2010

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hile many celebrities are choosey about what questions they are asked in interview, speaking with Catriona is immediately like talking to an old friend. She’s an open book and happy to talk freely about any topic raised. When we met she’d just put the baby to bed and a cake in the oven. What you see is what you get.

Q. Let’s just start by getting some

background. Tell us a bit about yourself A. I’m a city girl born and breed. I grew up on the North Shore of Sydney. The gift of my childhood is that I was living under the same roof as my grandmother so there was a beautiful guidance from her. As anyone who has shared that kind of relationship with a grandmother would know, it’s very different to the relationship you have with a parent. I think I was quite blessed where I grew up. We were 20 minutes from the CBD and yet we lived on the edge of a huge National Park and 20 minutes from beaches. While I had a few of the same struggles as most girls, I think it’s the environment in which I grew up in that I was blessed.

Q. Were you raised by both your parents?

A. My parents, and my grandmother.

My grandfather built our home. He was a wonderful Scottish adventurer who followed his dream to come out to Australia. He died when my mother was very young. Later, my grandmother invited my mother to move back to the original family home. Three generations under the one roof.

Q. What values do you feel your

parents and grandmotherhave instilled in you and how do you feel these have influenced your life? A. From my grandmother, something that I truly appreciate.Just the other

day I was whinging about being hopeless at something and Nan just said, “That’s not true, you’re good at everything”. Irealised how lucky I have been to grow up with a person in my life who had that faith in me. And from my parents, I didn’t grow up in a household where any focus was placed on how a person looked, but there was a lot of emphasis on manners and behaving the right way. Something that I am now also grateful for is that my parents encouraged our quirks. I struggled growing up being the youngest of four. Sometimes in that position you feel like you’re not being heard. It’s kind of ironic that now I’m on TV. It’s like “Can you hear me now?” My sisters were quite tough on me. So, I certainly never had to worry about an ego growing up. However, like a lot of children who are the youngest, I suppose I developed a kind of toughness. I think that working in an industry where there is so much focus looks, it’s wonderful not to have any hang-ups about that. I have always been able to focus on being creative, writing well and expressing myself in the best way possible.

Q. Growing up did you always want

a career in media or was there something else you wanted to do? A. No, I never thought that it could happen to me. When I was about 16, in my heart I always wanted to do it, but I went to ask the school counselor how I could go about getting work experience, I was told that it probably wouldn’t happen for me because I wasn’t really pretty enough and I probably wasn’t going to get the marks to study communication. So, I went off and did work experience at the Stock

Exchange where, after a few days, I was sent home because I couldn’t stop talking. So, in my heart I wanted to do it but it took me a while to have the courage to say it out loud. I thought broadcasting would be the path for me. I really loved radio and I loved writing. I kind of only went into TV by the law of averages. When I went to study journalism, no one was that interested in TV but this was in the days where lifestyle TV was just beginning.

Q. So when you say, it took a long

time to have the courage to say it out loud, do you remember what the turning point? A. I do remember clearly the day when I had an epiphany. A friend’s father was taking me home and we went to meet him at his work. He worked at 2UE. I met someone who was paid to be inquisitive, to share people’s stories and who was so genuinely excited about their day job. I knew, there and then, “that’s what I’m going to do with my life”. But, I think I then wasted a lot of time trying to stick to someone else’s mould or trying to be the person I thought was what was required. I auditioned with thousands for Wonder World and they didn’t take me because they wanted people who were a little more rough around the edges. I tried all sorts of other jobs and I got fired from jobs and I had people laughing at me. And then eventually I was taken on as a researcher for Wonder World and, in time, I got one shot to be a reporter. I thought, “you know what, today I’m just going to be the dag that I am”. I took off the mask and threw away the Jana Wendt voice and I’ve been employed on camera ever since that day.

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Q. What do you feel was the point

when you had ‘made it’ in TV? A. You know what, I’m not there yet. I don’t think that point exists and I certainly hope that for me, I don’t reach it. I don’t want to stop trying; I don’t want to stop having goals. I’m edging towards 40 and I really embrace my age. I feel a sense of satisfaction that I followed my heart with love and that has produced a beautiful baby and I live in a nice environment and I have a great relationship with my family and friends. And that gives me a sense of relief and satisfaction.But, do I feel I’ve made it? No way. Not even close.

Q. You’ve been a presenter on

Getaway for an amazing fourteen years now. What do you feel has kept you working on the program? A. Well, I hope it’s a combination of our viewers being able to detect that I really love what I do,that I’d do it for free and that I genuinely love to be able to share other people’s stories and love to have a chat. I hope that Channel Nine feel that I’m a positive ambassador for them and relatively easy to work with. For what I do, you have to live with a small crew and that life is not for everyone. Long term there is no room for diva behaviour. You’ve got to get along.

Q. Most people would say that

you have the ‘dream job’. What do you love about working on Getaway? A. I think that’s all relative. It depends on what floats you boat. I met a balloon pilot who would take balloon trips across the Serengeti in Kenya at sunrise. He would land the balloon for a champagne breakfast and the joy that that pilot would see and be able to provide everyday, I thought “that’s gotta be a pretty darn good job”. An element that has not changed since I was a child is that I constantly

Spring 2010

have my curiosity satisfied and I’m constantly learning, whether it’s historical or whether it’s learning about human behaviour.

Q. What are the downsides of

having a career that requires so much travel? A. Definitely being away from loved ones and not having the freedom to do things on a whim as much as I would like. It’s also very challenging have your personality rated every week; your character judged. A big downside is things that gossip columnists may write that are untrue and yet, I can’t respond. I find that incredibly hurtful and definitely one of the most repulsive elements to a job in the public eye.

Q. What is the biggest challenge

you’ve had to overcome in your career and how did you do it? A. I feel that everyday, fighting to remain employed is a challenge. There are so many people who want my job and who are very judgmental. I think a line that sums up my life is “Persistence leads to victory”.That’s gotten me over the line. Right now it’s also been incredibly challenging to remain relevant after having a baby.

Q. I read somewhere that you

feared you may be fired after having a baby? A. I didn’t know how my boss would take it; I didn’t know if I would be replaced. I also wanted my boss to know that I was still passionate. I was not changing as a person but I was going to have to have a little time off [laughs]. That was very difficult for me to ask. To my surprise he finished the sentence for me before it came out of my mouth. I’m also very grateful that I’ve had a wonderful response publicly. It’s a new experience for me because for many years I was very private about my personal life. Once I was engaged, I thought, “well maybe I’ll start telling people, this one’s a keeper, I can let people in”.

It’s interesting the perception that people have now that I married a farmer. I wonder would people have been as accepting if I married a financier. It seems like everyone loves a farmer.

Q. What’s next for you? What else

would you like to achieve in your career? A. For me, I’m constantly creating and working towards achieving small goals. In one sense the simple goal is to remain employed doing what I love to do. I have to admit that in time I’d love to work on my own show. It would be absolute bliss to work on a show out of Melbourne so that I can be close to my family. But, Getaway works very well with having a new baby because I get to spend a lot of time with him. I also hope that I’ve got another book in me. I’d love to write another travel book. There’s an opportunity in front of me right now to write a book, it’s simply a matter of time. I’ve also started work on a line of products for Target. I went in to do a line of travel products and I found out that I was pregnant. That led me to doing baby clothes. And, I’ve just put the idea together for a range of maternity clothes as well. I had never planned that, but the opportunity came up and I just thought, “why not go for it”. The baby range comes out in September and the maternity clothes will be coming out in the New Year. I don’t believe in luck but I do understand the concept of opportunity meeting preparation. We’ve always got to have our radar up for opportunities like that.

Q. You’ve just had a baby last

August, how has life changed since the arrival of Andrew? A. Motherhood is bliss. I can’t deny that it is the most wonderful tick off the

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list. I didn’t get started until late and I wasn’t convinced that I was ever going to get married, let alone have a baby, so there’s an element of relief. Life has changed so dramatically. I’m a travel reporter by day and yet I find it really difficult to leave the house. It requires coordination and asking for help, which is new to me. I’ve always been independent.

Q. You’ve said previously that you’d

love six. Do you still think that? A. [Laughs] Who knows what life has in store for me. I think one at a time is good but my husband and I believe that, considering that we make such lovely babies, we should give it another shot. We won’t be stopping at one.

Q. How have you balanced your

career, traveling around the world with your home life? A. I have no idea. One foot in front of the other, asking for help and being bizarrely organised.I am finding that it’sof no value to anyone trying to be a mater. I’ve had to learn how to say “no”. I also think that it’s not giving up on what your dreams just because you hold the title of being a mother. It’s doesn’t have to be entirely about providing for another person; you can still pursue goals of your own.

Q. What do you feel is the secret to a happy marriage?

A. I don’t know, if only I could bottle

10 Fast facts:

that. Something that James and I don’t do is that we don’t have screaming arguments and we are very careful not to say something hurtful in the heat of the moment. Those moments pass and you don’t want to be left with something hurtful hanging in the air. And, we ultimately put our love first because we feel the best thing we can show our baby is parentswho are happy and care for each other.

Biggest inspiration? My grandmother

Ultimate indulgence/ can’t live

Q. What do you do for you? How do

Who would you love to meet. Oprah

One of the strangest things that

you make time for yourself in all the chaos? A. On the farm, gardening. For me, I spend time with those I love. My husband knows I need to be able to go and see my grandmother, even if it’s just sitting on her bed talking.

without. Cheezels 3.

had a beer in my life. And, I don’t have pierced ears. 4.

Biggest turning point in your life. The night I thought I was going to lose my grandmother and I realised how important it was to let the people who you love know it.

has ever happened to you in your travels. The bizarre places that I am recognized. From Base Camp at Everest to a remote village in Italy. 7.

How many stamps in your passport. I don’t know because I’ve been mugged and have lost so many

Favourite place outside of Australia and why. I’m very happy in the South

Q. What advice would you have for

other women to help them realize their full potential? A. Listen to your heart and don’t be swayed by doomsayers. If you feel within yourself that there is something that you truly want to do, go out and do it. You never know where it will lead. Also, be open to surprises and opportunities that present themselves and never let your fear get in the way.

Little known fact about you. I’ve never

Pacific. I love the ethos of the people and the idyllic environment that they live in. 9.

Where haven’t you been that you would like to go? Monet’s garden at Giverny

10. How far could you fly on your frequent flyer points. I don’t know, I give them all away.

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Q. You’ve been with your husband

James now for a number of years, what have you learned in your relationship? A. Compromise. We had a long distance relationship and the only way to succeed in a situation like that is compromise. We live a double life I suppose. I’ve kept my place in Sydney and I want my child and my husband to know the joys of city life. Here on the farm it’s a very different life, which I am so grateful for. We’re lambing at the moment and I’m about to put my rose order in for the year.

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you | Feature

Your body

Speaks

While words can fall on deaf ears, the right body language is capable of breaking down any communication barriers. Body language experts Allan and Barbara Pease teach you the top five body language do’s and don’ts and how you can tell if someone is lying. So what does your body language say about you?

ur gestures, appearance and non-verbal signals speak volumes.They account for 60% - 80% of the messages we send face-to-face but tendency is to focus on only the spoken word which often means that we miss the true message altogether. Research shows that body language can reveal how, what a person says is often very different from their real thoughts and feelings. It isn’t a foreign language – our ancestors practiced it for centuries as the original human communication system. Like most other species, body language is all they had. Today we have lost touch with reading body signals because we are distracted by words. Developing skills and

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improving body language techniques for application, is simple. Not easy, but simple. Body language is the outward reflection of a person’s emotional condition. We interpret or match their behaviour with what they are saying and from there, work out what’s going on in their minds. Women are three to four times better at doing this. It’s hardwired into the brain. It comes from spending time with babies and interpreting their needs before they have any spoken language. It’s also an intuition going back to cave dwelling days when women had to interpret situations as dangerous, such as the approach of a stranger. For instance, if a cavewoman saw someone coming towards her in the distance she would have to work out if that person posed a threat.

It’s vital to display the right body language and recognise the signs in others to ‘read’ how they feel about the interaction.

What are the top 5 body language do’s? 1. Shaking hands – keep your hand vertical and match the pressure you receive. This might feel a little strange at first and it takes a bit of practice. But people don’t like having their hands crushed – nor do they enjoy a handshake with no substance. Matching the pressure from the other person is very well received and communicates that you are nonthreatening. When you meet someone

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new and you shake hands, repeat their name twice to confirm you heard it correctly. Not only does this make the person feel important, it lets you remember their name through the repetition. Do keep your palms up & fingers together – people will read you as non-aggressive and will respond positively to you. People who keep their fingers closed and their hands below their chin when they talk command the most attention and are seen as more authoritative. Do keep your distance – respect the person’s personal space, which will be the greatest in the opening minutes of a new meeting. If you move into close, the person may respond by sitting back, or leaning away or using gestures that reveal irritation, such as drumming their fingers or clicking a pen. Do Mirror Body Language – mirroring another person’s body language and speech patterns builds rapport quickly. In a new meeting with someone, mirror their sitting position, posture, body angles, gestures, facial expressions and tone of voice. Before long, they’ll start to feel that there’s something about you they really like – they’ll describe you as easy to be with. You’ll find that people open up more and will usually give better responses to your questions. Whereas people who don’t mirror your gestures may often leave, probably saying ‘there was something about him/her I just didn’t like’. Do Smile – research shows that it’s hard-wired into the brain to understand smiling. For example, when I meet you, if you smile at me, my brain registers that you’re not threatening, just as it is with other primates. So I’ll return the smile to show that I’m not threatening either. Right at the very opening, we’ve got a good relationship going because we’re not threatening each other. In our research we found women smile on average four times more than men – which can be disastrous for women in business. Just picture; women sitting around the Boardroom table with a bunch of hard-faced guys and you want to try and loosen them up so you

smile at them a lot. And they may start thinking ‘she’s a bit of a scatterbrain’. So what we advise is to mirror the amount of smiling you’re receiving around the table.

The top 5 body language don’ts … 1. Don’t speak too quickly – match the other person’s speech rate – a person’s speed of speaking reveals the rate at which their brain can consciously analyze information. Speak at the same rate or slightly slower than the other person and mirror their inflection and intonation. Studies show that others describe feeling ‘pressured’ when someone speaks faster than they do. 2. Don’t cross your arms – arms folded across the chest is perceived as an attempt to put a barrier between the person and something that fosters shorter, more negative conversations. A person’s recall of what is said decreases by up to 40% when they fold their arms and they are more critical when recalling what the speaker said. To be persuasive, keep your arms unfolded. 3. Don’t touch your face – studies show that when someone is concealing information or lying, their face touching frequency increases dramatically due to an increase in blood pressure in the face, especially inside the nose. If you have an itchy nose, people who don’t know this are likely to think you’re lying. So keep your hands away from your face. 4. Don’t let your arms drop inside the arms of the chair – keep your elbows out. Sitting with your elbows on the armrest of a chair is perceived as a position of power and conveys a strong, upright image. Humble, defeated individuals let their arms drop inside the arms of the chair and they keep their elbows close to the bodies to protect themselves. They are perceived as fearful or negative, so avoid sitting like this. 5. Don’t arrive unprepared – practice! Before you go to an important meeting, sit quietly for a few minutes and mentally rehearse the above skills picturing yourself doing them well. When your mind can act

them clearly, your body will be able to carry them out.

Don’t lie … and that’s the truth. If someone is scratching their nose, their eyes, tugging at an ear and looking away a lot, you might not believe all they are saying. Honesty is still the best policy regardless of how confident and convincing you may sound, if you are lying your body will send out contradictory signals that will alert others to your deliberate deception. Our attitudes and emotions are continually revealed on our faces and, most of the time, we are completely unaware of it. When we’re trying to conceal a lie, or a certain thought flashes into our mind, it can be shown for a split second on our face. Professional liars and actors can refine their body gestures to a point where others may not necessarily “see” the lie, but for the inexperienced, the tell tale traits of deception will conspire against you every time.

Body language is the outward reflection of a person’s emotional condition The difficulty with lying is that the subconscious mind acts automatically and independently of our verbal lie. Our body language gives us away with basic gestures such as avoiding eye contact, covering the mouth, crossing arms and legs or touching the nose or the neck. But even if you manage to consciously suppress these major body gestures, numerous, seemingly indiscernible, micro gestures will still be transmitted such as facial muscular twitching, dilation and contraction of pupils, sweating, flushed cheeks and increased eye- blinking. Whether the other person spots these things is another question. Allan & Barbara Pease are one of the most successful husband and wife teams in business today. They have written 15 best-selling books, which have been translated into 51 languages, and sold in over 100 countries. Their light-hearted insights into relationships have resulted in millions of fans all around the world. www.peaseinternational.com

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you | Feature

Grateful

ever after Dr John Demartini explains the key to loving each day and gaining from every experience that occurs – good and bad.

hat does it take to make you happy-ever-after? Some will claim happiness is a happy relationship, others say if they won a pile of money they would be happy. Ask a hundred different people, you’ll get a hundred different answers. But wait just a minute -- what if I told you that winning the pile money or having a great relationship won’t keep you happy indefinitely (and it will actually do the opposite half the time). That might come as quite a shock! So why can’t happiness be yours forever? The answer is short and simple, because happiness by itself is a fantasy or an illusion. And “happy-ever-after” is an un-spirited fairytale. From this one illusion is birthed some of the most prevalent social ‘concerns’ of our era - stress, suicide, heartache, hopelessness, anger, resentment and depression! The hope for happy-everafter is one of our greatest psychological and social delusions. So beware! If you set yourself up with the expectation that you are going to somehow be magically happy-ever-after, you are checking yourself into a lifetime residence at the Heartbreak Hotel. The reality is, ever-lasting happiness does not exist! It goes against the nature of our creative evolution. The purpose of life isn’t to pursue happiness; it is about loving life’s winding road that leads us all to places in our hearts, minds and physical

Spring 2010

experience that are a blend of happy and sad, nice and mean experiences. We are like homing devices narrowing our oscillations through positive and negative feedbacks as we walk through our spiritual journey. As we progress along the course of our mystical voyage, we all will experience natural cycles of highs and lows. When we experience these cycles, the secret to a wonderful, rewarding life is not to be found by flying high on the up cycles and sinking down to the lowest depths on the down cycles, but instead by creating an ability to appreciate every one of life’s experience (both happy or sad) and gain and grow from them in a fulfilling and rewarding way? Learn to see the magnificence of life (no matter what form of high or low it takes). So, while you may not be able to remain happy ever-after, you can be grateful-ever-after for each aspect of your life.

Your spiritual state If you desire to love yourself, others and the experience of life more, being grateful for the gift of life is one of the most important steps you can take towards living the life of your dreams. And it doesn’t matter if you are more conventional in your religious or spiritual beliefs or less orthodox - you can still constantly remain grateful for the invisible energy flow of life

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that surrounds and fills you (the energy that some call the soul, others term holy spirit and some refer to as life force). Whether you say your prayers each day, give thanks before meals, write up your wish list, tune into uplifting music or spend some quiet time in contemplation or meditation; a little time spent partaking in a daily spiritual ritual is incredibly nourishing for body, mind and spirit.

Your mental state How wonderful it is to have a mind of our own; a mind that can ponder the mysteries of life, sort through everyday priorities, file information for future reference, assist us in learning new skills, set standards, form relationships and have opinions and then give us an option choose to change our minds and alter those opinions. Most of us take our diverse and marvelous mind’s powers for granted. We forget that our thoughts and our minds are the way we take information in and send information out to the outside world. Our minds interpret, filter and assimilate our concepts, strengths, fears and desires. Being grateful for our mind’s many rich gifts helps our minds to grow and expand.

Your vocational state Feeling productive is one of the most uplifting feelings of the human state. There’s nothing better than getting into your cozy bed at night, with the feeling that you accomplished something worthwhile that day. It helps you feel, sleep and heal better. And being grateful for your vocational state doesn’t have to apply to a conventional nine to five work role. Whether you are a homemaker, a student, an athlete or even a holidaymaker it is important to feel that you have been productive throughout any day’s activities (in whatever form productivity means fulfillment to you). In the morning, upon arising set yourself seven highest priority action steps you commit to taking that day that will ensure productivity. Do these actions first before any less-productive distractions occur - and if you follow this seven highest action steps daily rule, you are certain to finish each day of the week with a sense of gratitude for what you have achieved. (Not to mention that your life is likely to make a

quantum leap forward as well).

Your familial state Family means different things to different people, cultures and trends. Some people have immediate families, like marriage partners, children, parents etc., while others have friends or are involved in family structures of an unusual kind. Your personal sense of family or close connection may even take the form of a pet or a far distanced friend who you only communicate with via email. As we sometimes forget the role that others play (and have played) in making our lives fulfilling and complete, spend some time each day just thinking of those (possibly your particular family members) that you love and how their presence on this planet (or if they have already left this planet - how much their presence meant and still means, to you) has contributed to your existence. Loving thoughts of others, opens up the heart and enriches our lives.

relatives, going to the movies or nurturing and creating new and old friendships – it’s an important part of our every day lives. Go out of your way to plan holidays in advance, so you have the anticipation of them coming up to look forward to. Be friendly and open to new people coming into your life and go out of your way to develop friendships that will enrich your life. This may mean that you don’t wait for others to invite you somewhere; but you take the initiative and organize get-togethers yourself. Each day make an effort to expand your social network and friend connections or have some fun for yourself. Making a phone call or send a card to someone you would love to have as a friend, or make a new friend - can set all kinds of new social wheels spinning.

Your physical state

Your social state

The greatest art form that exists on this planet is the human body. What a magnificently structured temple of sacred architecture our human body form represents. But are we grateful for it? Some are, but most take their body’s great gift for granted. Many complain about the shape of their body (I’m too fat, too thin, too short or too tall). They will spend a great deal of time in front of their mirrors focusing on what they perceive as the imperfections of their body, rather than focus on its perfections. So many people seem to conscientiously go out of their way to break down this magnificent structure by smoking, eating poor diets, not exercising, burning the candle at both ends. Being grateful to your body for the multitude of powerful gifts it provides can make the difference between experiencing good health or ill health. Be aware of your body - do not just expect it to maintain its own well being without any contribution or effort on your part. Think of your body as a gift you have been given that is serving to enrich the entire structure and enjoyment of your life. Tend your body and take care of it - as you would tend or take care of garden.

Our social and leisure lives are important because they give us a chance to see the world through the eyes of others, relax, regain lost enthusiasm or energy and to share quality time with others. Being grateful for the opportunity to have some fun by doing what we enjoy – whether it’s playing golf, taking a vacation, visiting

Dr John Demartini is the author of over forty books including his bestselling titles such as “Count Your Blessings” and “The Gratitude Effect”. For further information please visit www.drdemartini.com

Your financial state Being grateful for your financial state can be a tricky “attitude of gratitude” to master, because many people constantly are in the habit of affirming to themselves that they don’t have enough money. Money woes are one of our society’s biggest “stressfests”. Many are constantly facing financial shortfalls and their finances or managing money becomes a constant concern or pressure upon them. There are few people who can say they are truly grateful for their financial state - but the moment they were grateful the faster they would attract greater financial abundance. Their very attitude of “I don’t have enough money” makes their lives miserable is a selfdefeating prophecy. So often are they filled with angst over finances, that they miss the many riches that surround them, because they are too busy worrying or feeling ‘less wealthy’ rather than “more wealthy” in the realm of finances.

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you | Spirituality

Who

was I?

The concept of reincarnation has many followers and for those who experience a glimpse into their past lives, the experience is rich. Here, Pamela Chilton considers the interaction of reincarnation and religion and provides some simple steps to find out who you were.

woman arrived at my office, Bible in hand. “I heard you speak on reincarnation,” she announced, “there is nothing about reincarnation in the Bible, so it can’t possibly exist.” I asked her to read aloud Matthew 16:13-14 in which Jesus asks his disciples: “Whom do men say that I, the son of man, am?” His disciples respond, “Some say thou art John the Baptist, some Elias, and others, Jeremias, or one of the prophets.” “A strange answer, would you not agree?” I asked her, “Unless they were referring to past lives.” I then asked her to read Matthew 17:10-13, in which it is written that Jesus informs his disciples that John the Baptist was Elias come again. I referred her next to John 9:1-2, and she read aloud: “And as Jesus passed by, he saw a man who was blind from his

Spring 2010

birth. And his disciples asked him, saying, “Master, who did sin, this man, or his parents, that he was born blind?” “I wonder how,” I mused aloud, “a man can sin before his birth unless that man has lived before?” She looked up as I asked her, “What do you think of what you have read?” Firmly, she replied, “The Bible must be wrong.” That woman taught me a valuable lesson. Nothing, not even faith, is more powerful than a set mind, and for many mindsets, experience is the only teacher. This is why experiencing a past life regression is far superior to hearing about one. Here are seven steps that can help you have that experience.

Pay attention to your dreams Dreams in which you are in a past time

in history, as well as dreams in which you don’t look like you,can be memories of a past life. Immediately upon awakening, write down (or speak into a recorder) how you felt in the dream, what happened and anything else that comes to mind. At some point in the day, sit down and listen to or read what you have written. Then close your eyes, slow your breathing and relax your body from the head down or toes up. Raise your eyes beneath your lids as high as they will go, then lower them to a comfortable position. Say or think “bring me more information about my life in this dream.” Quiet your analyzing mind and let yourself drift into a scene from your dream. Pay attention to what you see and/ or the mental impressions you receive. Write these down or record them. You can do this as they happen or immediately afterwards. This alerts your subconscious

Spirituality | you

that this process is important to you. Be patient and persistent with this and you will get more information the next time you do this. Nothing much may happen the first time, or even the second or the third time, but eventually your subconscious will “get the picture” and so will you. If it doesn’t happen “right then”, you may receive more in another dream.

Hypnosis enhances cellular memory as well as mental recal Learn self-hypnosis Find some professional hypnotists or hypnotherapists who teach self-hypnosis and enquire about learning. Ask how many sessions you would require: two to three is average. Set up free consultations with those you feel drawn to and check out their credentials, which should be posted prominently on the wall. Check that there are at least 200 class hours of training, as a minimum for hypnotists and 300 forhypnotherapists. Ensure that you ask heaps of questions to develop your learning. The advantage of working with a professional is that together you can develop a personalised method that works best for you. Alternatively, find some good generic recordings for learning and experiencing hypnosis or pay a professional to make a personalised one for you.

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Seek out a past life therapist that uses hypnosis Psychics can often tell you about your past lives, but that isn’t nearly as satisfying, validating, and often not as accurate as a past life regression. Hypnosis enhances cellular memory as well as mental recall and will increase the feeling of “being there”, though it will sometimes take a few sessions to trust the process and yourself enough to “let go” and move deeper into the experience. Many people are not able to visualise, even in hypnosis. When this happens, relax and accept the thoughts and sensory impressions that come forward.

Know your subconscious mind has perfect memory The subconscious mind, which uses the brain and body, but exists independently of them, is the most precise “time keeper” known to humans. In several university studies, students were hypnotised and their subconscious minds were instructed to keep precise track of each passing second for a given number of seconds and to press the stop button on a stopwatch when those number of seconds were reached. The number varied for each student from hundreds of thousands of seconds to millions of seconds. Afterwards, each student was given a stopwatch and told to keep it at hand even when bathing and sleeping. They were told to stop the stopwatch when they got an overwhelming urge to do so and to then return it to the research center. Time and again, the precision of the subconscious mind in keeping time was astonishing; if the subconscious can keep track of millions of seconds, why not hundreds, thousands, even millions of years?

Accept what you receive as meaningful to you It is possible to tune into the past life of another, rather than your own. If this happens, it is usually because your Higher Self – the spiritual level of your soul’s consciousness – has determined it has relevancy for you. It does not matter so much to your spirit whether you were that person. What matters is that you gain from the knowledge available in a review of that lifetime. Reviewing the meaningful events of a lifetime – whether this one or another – is an opportunity for your soul to grow in consciousness through a greater awareness and understanding of the spiritual lessons involved in those events. Your Higher Self can help you with this. A good hypnotist or hypnotherapist can help you access your

Higher Self. If you prefer to do this on your own, there are several articles on our website to help you with this. Express any emotions you are feeling in the regression. Do not be concerned whether they are “real then”; they are “real now”. You are relating deeply to an event that triggers your emotions. Don’t concern yourself whether a past life regression was real or imaginary. Your subconscious is bringing it to you because it has meaning for you. It may be the mind’s way of representing events going on in your life today. It may be an actual past life memory. Whichever it is, you can gain emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually by releasing the “negative” thoughts and emotions in the experience and replacing them with “positive” thoughts and emotions as you learn from the lessons presented to you. If your intent when going into hypnosis is to find truth, not fabricate, and if you were truly in hypnosis, it was real.

Research details from your past lives Even small details can be convincing validation of your experience. You can be as scientific or non-scientific as you wish to be with this. At the very least, you will learn more about history in one of the most fascinating ways possible. You may also add to the growing body of experiential evidence for reincarnation.

Read books on the subject This will help you open or add to your beliefs, in at least the possibility of reincarnation.I recommend books by Edgar Cayce. The Cayce books take up whole shelves in libraries and bookstores. Preparing yourself with knowledge about past lives enables you to better recall your own.

Pamela Chilton, C.Ht. and her mentor and mate Hugh Harmon, Ph.D. are teachers, healers and authors who believe there is a part of you that knows everything there is to know about you. Their professional mission is to teach people how to access this part, as well as other parts of self, for self-discovery, spiritual growth and healing. www.odysseyofthesoul.org.

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life | Sex Advice

sex script

Change your

Understanding your personality (and that of your partner) can help you redesign your sex script for ultimate fulfillment. Sex Therapist, Dr Janet Hall takes a very different approach to show you how.

ave you ever wondered what the secret recipe is for a longlasting TV show like Sex and the City? It’s because they feature characters, with each of the four different personality types, so that every viewer can relate to at least one. Likewise in the bedroom, our personality type influences how well we relate to our partner and how fulfilled we are in sex. Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte and Miranda, have very different personalities, both in and out of the bedroom, so by looking at them, and seeing which is most like you, we can gain insight to improve our sex lives. So, are you wondering which Sex and the City character you are most like? Lets find out. Below we look at the personality profile of each of the four characters and how this translates into their script for sex. We’ll then consider what each one can do to change that sex script to have a more fulfilling sex life for both themselves and their partner. Before we commence, it’s important to note that no, one personality type is better than the rest. Each personality type has its advantages and weaknesses and what is

Spring 2010

“D” person is always time conscious and trying to fit in too many things, the “D” has been known to be having sex to a timetable. The penalty for this, as well as annoying hell out of the “D’s” partner, is that sex is too much about the destination and not about the journey. The “D” is concerned to make sure her partner is satisfied, but more likely because she wants to dominate rather than give. A “D” could be into group sex because they love risk-taking and they would be happy to watch pornographic material because they know that this increases their arousal.

important is to understand those and work with them to get the best outcome. We all have a chance to star in different contexts – especially sex-wise.

Carrie -The Dominant Director (D) Dominant directors are usually very direct in their communication and are highly motivated by results. The D personality is the driver: one who’s impatient and active – often doing things without thinking them through. Directors are fast paced and direct, but they are also self contained and task oriented. They like to be in charge, to direct other people, and be in control of the action. D’s are tough, bottom line people, like Oprah Winfrey. If you are like Carrie, you are strongwilled, know what you want and are keen to go for it. You like to come across as “in control”. Although you have a tough exterior, inside you are a pussycat. •

The “D‘s” sex script As the “D” personality is motivated by results, in sex, the “D” is more likely to strive for orgasm. Because the

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Changing a “D” sex script Learn how to tease – don’t be ready to get straight into sex. Focus on giving and taking time to please your partner and most importantly, whisper sweet-nothings and give him compliments to boost his ego.

Samantha -The Interactive Socialiser (I) Interactives are direct also, but in a more flamboyant style. The “I” personality is

Sex Advice | life

the initiator: who’s lively, talkative, direct and very motivated by public recognition. They are extremely sociable people who really enjoy talking and spending time with others. Their primary motivation is for acknowledgement. The “I” wants recognition from others (and to have a good time while they are doing it!) Socialisers are fast paced, direct, open and relationship oriented. If you relate to Samantha’s role in Sex and the City, you are fixated on ”looking good, even if you are going nowhere”. Samantha is the quintessential playgirl. She lives in the moment and loves to have fun. Some examples would be people like comedian and actor Robin Williams and actor Cameron Diaz. •

•

The “I‘s” Sex script The “I” person loves acknowledgment and public recognition – they also like lots of fun and creativity. Together these make for a great recipe for hot sex. Sex with an “I” can go on forever and happen just about anywhere. The “I” is keen to satisfy their partner because they love praise and appreciation. They could be into group sex because they love a party. Their passion for people makes it extremely likely that the I will enjoy pornographic material. Changing the “I” script Share the fun and don’t be selfish. Tease, tickle and laugh together. Ask your partner about their needs and don’t expect them to want to be kinky, dress up or roleplay.

Charlotte -The Steady Relator (S)

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oriented like the socialisers. They tend to be very good at relating to other people. An example would be actor, Meg Ryan. If you are like Charlotte, you are a romantic who goes for the sensitive strong guy. You want to believe in him, so you do. You would be happy to settle into suburban bliss and would never find it boring. You are motivated by harmony and co-operation. If you are like Charlotte, be careful of those who might take advantage of your caring nature.

The “S” personality is warm, caring, calm and not pushy. The Steady Relator prefers to quietly sit back and assess the situation before jumping in. They are patient and enjoy being team members who will steadily apply themselves to achieve. Their primary motivation is for cooperation. The “S” can be extremely useful in offsetting the outrageous energy which sometimes accompanies the previous personality types. The Relater is slow and indirect, but they are also open and relationship

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The “S‘s” Sex script The “S” personality is patient and loves to co-operate so they are generally very supportive lovers. The “S” person wants their partner to be satisfied, even if it means that they are not. Their patience can work against them however; they never get to orgasm because they still haven’t gotten into the shower! Think of the two little Disney chipmunks and how they were so polite - standing at the shower saying “You go first - I insist”, and the other saying “No no, no, I insist you go first.” The “S” person is only likely to go along with group sex if that’s what their partner really wanted and they would only watch pornographic movies alone for fear of impropriety. Changing the “S” script Be assertive and make sure that you have a turn of receiving; don’t just give, give, give. Allow yourself to be more spontaneous and be open to new sexual activities and surprises.

the same time they are self contained and task oriented like the Directors. They are very thorough and think things through very carefully before taking action. The all-time greatest “C” is Captain Spock from Startrek. If you identify with Mirandah, you are likely to be a perfectionist and your standards have to be met at every stage for you to feel that you have done a good job. You worry about everything and want to control it. • The “C” ‘s Sex script The “C” is a very intense lover because of their need to be perfect. If there was a book about the perfect way to have sex and satisfy your partner, “C” would follow it to the letter. The “C” is unlikely to want group sex because of an obsession with cleanliness and hygiene. They are likely to want to have a shower before and a shower after sex. The “C” would only be interested in politically correct pornographic material. In fact, they’d probably prefer to stick to the books because the “C” love diagrams. •

Changing the “C” script Let go of your need to be always squeaky clean and follow a rigid planned program. Let your hair down. Remember that sex is meant to be fun, so you should lighten up and enjoy it. Do yourself a favour and be willing to look at life (and sex) a little less seriously.

Mirandah -The Cautious Thinker (C)

Knowing your personality can help you redesign your sex script and modify it to suit your partner too, depending on their personality. Your sexuality is always flexible and is meant to be enjoyed

The “C” personality is analytical, often hard to get to know and very motivated by performance standards and getting things done correctly. The Cautious Thinker is also indirect in communication and prefers to take time to analyse the details and fine-tune the direction before any action is pursued. Their primary motivation is to have the details accurate and be correct. Thinkers are slow-paced, and are generally very indirect in their communication. At

Dr Janet Hall is a Clinical Psychologist, Sex Therapist, Hypnotist, Author , Media contact and Speaker. She is the author of eight books including “Sex-Wise Teens” and “Sex-life Solutions” and 18 CDS in the Sensational Sex Series. For more information visit www.drjanethall.com.au or email jan@drjanethall.com.au

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life | Feature

The Mysteries of

MFDA

There is no point in beating around the bush here. We all have it and we definitely all do it, but what is Modern Female Dating Anxiety?

t’s like a taunting, neurotic voice in the back of your head urging you to do things that your normal, sane and rational mind would drop it’s jaw in shock. The one thing we can comfort ourselves with is that Modern Female Dating Anxiety (MFDA) is so common it’s almost normal…well almost. So what are the symptoms? Do you feel apprehensive or uneasy before a date? Have difficulty controlling anxious thoughts? Have you ever been so down about the idea of finding a potential partner that you lost the desire to date altogether? Ever wondered what he meant when he said all those wonderful things, hasn’t called since and now you can’t help but replay that conversation over and over in your mind trying to figure out where you went wrong? Or even the simple act of wondering if you’ll ever meet him? These are only some of the symptoms, but if you have answered yes to any of the above then you definitely have a case of MFDA. According to Ryan and Jessica Cassaday authors of Stop Wondering If You’ll Ever Meet Him, ‘Every experience since the beginning of your dating life has contributed to your current knowledge about intimacy. All of those collective moments have built on each other and charted a course through your romantic past, outlining (for you) how to date, what love looks like, and how to find it.

Dating mindsets causing feelings of anxiety: •

Spring 2010

The Playing Hard To Get Mindset – women who use this strategy are more focused on winning a man over then getting to know him. Which means he may not be who she thought he was.

•

The Prince Fantasy Mindset – women who employ this particular fantasy feel incomplete without a man and want someone to make them feel whole. Women who settle down with their projected fantasy can eventually resent the men who need to fix and rescue them all the time, for at some time they want to be an equal partner. The Three Date Sex Rule Mindset – if you are only interested in sex then this is a good rule of thumb. This approach puts a lot of emphasis on the physical part of a relationship because it assumes the greater physical chemistry the more potential for the relationship. Women who use this approach are often left wondering on the fourth date if they are in a relationship or if he is seeing other women.

Getting past MFDA Firstly, get rid of your weeds. These are the limiting thoughts you have that obstruct the dating process and cultivating new relationships. Find out what your beliefs are about dating and love. These could be beliefs that you’ve had since you were a child, ingrained by your parents, friends, past relationships and the media, such as, I’m too old to find a man and get married or I attract men, but not the right ones. Consciously choose to change the way you think. If you are able to get rid of your weeds you’ll be more comfortable with dating, succeed more often and increase your chances of having a lasting, committed relationship. According to Ryan and Jessica, modern women need to take a more formal approach to dating.In other words - don’t let him date you casually.Modern

femalesneed a reliable method of evaluating relationship potential before committing emotionally and physically.

The12-week dating plan. Here is an overview of how the dating plan works: • You don’t see each other every day and you don’t spend weekends together. • Instead, go on one date each week for three months. Allow yourself these 12 formal dates, because you don’t officially know if a committed, longterm relationship is viable yet. • Here is the clincher – you do not become completely intimate (yes, that means no sex) until the end of the 12 weeks. According to Ryan and Jessica, waiting is the new foreplay. They say, “our method is about capturing the excitement of anticipation over a long period of time as you get to know someone and grow closer, eventually becoming sexually intimate if you choose. The objective is to allow the anticipation to intensify while not making impulsive or rash decisions.” It’s time to put the Date back in Dating! Stop Wondering If You’ll Ever Meet Him: A Revolutionary Approach for Putting the Date Back into Dating (Hay House RRP: $26.95) will be released in February 2009. For more information, go to www.HayHouse.com.au.

Written by Verusha Singh on behalf of Hay House and Ryan and Jessica Cassaday

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inspirational | Profile

A woman on a

mission

At the age of 27, Julie McKay is one of the youngest Executive Directors of a national women’s organisation in Australia, an achievement that Julie says is confronting and exciting on a daily basis. Be inspired by her passion and plans for UNIFEM Australia.

itting at the opening ceremony of the United Nations Commission on the Status of women and hearing the Secretary General give his International Women’s day address, Julie realised that she was a long way from where her career started with one of Australia’s top banks. Now working as the Executive Director of UNIFEM Australia, the National Committee for the United Nations Development Fund for Women, Julie reflects back on her career shift as the best decision she could have made. UNIFEM launched the Australian National Committee in 1989, as a member based organisation, run by dedicated volunteers for the purpose of raising funds for UNIFEM programs across the world. In 2007, the National Board decided to bring on an Executive Director to help build UNIFEM Australia into the influential advocacy and lobbying organisation that it is today. One of the questions Julie gets asked most often is how she got her current role. Laughing, Julie admits that there was an element of being ‘in the right place at the right time’ for her. Julie notes that her current role has found the perfect balance of her three interest areas: gender equality, international relations and how corporate best practice can be used in the NGO sector.

Spring 2010

Reflecting on her time in banking, Julie acknowledges that not a day goes by where she doesn’t use some of the training and skills she learned during her time in the corporate sector. “Understanding financials and risk management is central to any job, but most importantly, I learned about customer service, communication and how to manage competing deadlines”. However, Julie struggled to find her purpose in banking, finding it hard to make the connection between her day job and social justice, which had always been her passion. After a car accident in 2006, Julie moved to Canberra where her partner was based and knew it was time to consider a career shift back to the not-for-profit sector. Building on her experience in communications and people management at the bank and her time as a youth development worker during her undergraduate studies, Julie began working as the Communications Manager at the peak body for homelessness, Homelessness Australia – an organisation funded to provide resources and support to homelessness, youth and domestic violence services. Julie distinctly remembers one night, census night in 2006, when her team was walking the streets of Canberra – supporting the homelessness census – talking to rough sleepers and people who were eating at local soup kitchens about their experience and how they had ended up homeless. She reflects “many of the

people we met were just like us – people who had jobs, mortgages and families. Some had lost their jobs, and unable to pay their mortgage repayments, had ended up homeless. Others were victims of domestic violence and were living in shelter accommodation or on the streets as an alternative to being at home with their abusive partners”. During her time at Homelessness Australia, Julie worked as a volunteer with the United Nations Association and later with UNIFEM Australia. “Volunteering has always been a big part of my life” Julie says. “As well as giving back to my local community, volunteering provides people with leadership experience, skill building and invaluable relationships”. As Executive Director of UNIFEM Australia, Julie gives a lot of presentations to schools, universities and corporates about her work and one of the things she emphasises is the importance of volunteering. As a volunteer with the United Nations Association, Julie spent a year designing event invitations, writing grant applications, managing RSVPs for events and taking minutes of National Board meetings, but her commitment and efficiency was soon recognised and she became the United Nations Association of Australia’s representative on the global Board of UN Associations. In this role, Julie was exposed to people who were working with and volunteering for United Nations

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Profile | inspirational

Associations across the world. She also gained Board experience, something which she cites as being invaluable to young women. After 18 months, UNIFEM Australia advertised the role of Executive Director and Julie was encouraged to apply. The concept of moving to an even smaller organisation - this time a staff team of one – was very daunting, however Julie could see the opportunities to grow UNIFEM Australia and knew that her experience in the corporate sector would greatly assist her in bringing the systems and structures to UNIFEM Australia. Three and half years on, Julie’s team has expanded to seven staff and up to six interns. “It was like running a small business start-up” she reflects. “You have a vision, become totally committed to seeing that vision realised and you work crazy hours to keep on top of everything”. Julie notes that one of the biggest challenges was constantly needing to secure funding and trying to get donors and sponsors to share her vision for the organisation. UNIFEM Australia now has the support of PricewaterhouseCoopers, Westpac and Microsoft amongst many other corporate supporters. The support from our sponsors, not just financially but through their shared commitment of our aims and staff support for our programs has changed the way UNIFEM Australia operates.

UNIFEM Australia’s mandate has increased substantially since 2007. The focus is now on engaging the support of Government, raising public awareness of gender and development issues and raising funds for UNIFEM programs. In 2010, more than 15,000 people joined with UNIFEM Australia to celebrate International Women’s Day (IWD), which remains one of our key priorities. “It is a day when we don’t have to justify why we are talking about women, and we can encourage men and women to celebrate the role that women play in our families, communities and workplaces”. UNIFEM Australia has developed a program of Gender Analysis workshops that they have been running for other NGOs who are interested in strengthening their understanding about best practice in relation to gender. This year that program is being adapted for use in the corporate sector and Julie believes there will be a high level of take up from our corporate partners. UNIFEM Australia will also be launching the global Women’s Empowerment Principles in Australia this month, which are a global set of goals that companies are being asked to sign on to, to achieve gender equality and promote women’s leadership. “One of the biggest successes of the past three years has been the development of Young UNIFEM Australia groups across the country.

Volunteering has always been a big part of my life These groups now run leadership forums, public events, fundraisers and actively contribute to our policy work” Julie reports. UNIFEM Australia also fosters young women’s leadership through their internship program and in 2011 will be having the first Youth Delegate to the UN Commission on the Status of Women in New York. Late in 2009, one of her Board Members sent Julie an email about a new MBA program being launched by the University of Sydney. The Executive MBA program had been developed over three years in conjunction with business leaders to address concerns about MBA programs becoming too generic. Julie admits being surprised when she was invited to an interview for the course and a little overwhelmed knowing that she would be the youngest person

on the program, should she be offered a place. After the 45-minute interview, Julie was convinced that this was the program for her. The program is taught across four campuses in Sydney, Bangalore, Silicon Valley and Languedoc in France and focuses on innovation, leadership and learning from international best practice. Julie was awarded the 2010 Scholarship For Excellence in NGO Leadership and commenced the course this year. “It has been an amazing journey so far. All of the other students have inspired me to think outside the box when addressing challenges faced by NGOs in Australia. Everyone is really interested in my work on gender equality and it has reignited my passion for linking the corporate sector more closely to the non-profit sector,” Julie said. She is currently developing the proposal for her thesis that will be focusing on how to measure the impact of campaigns and advocacy in the non-profit sector. In June this year, the United Nations announced a restructure to enhance and strengthen its gender agencies. From 1 January 2011, UNIFEM and the three other agencies that were working on gender equality will transform into a new ‘super agency’ for gender equality globally – UN Women. Looking ahead, Julie can see many opportunities that come with rebranding and strengthening the role and voice of women globally. “Achieving gender equality has never had so much attention placed on it from the global community – this is our decade. A decade where we need to address pay equity, where we need to see women representing 40 percent of people in government and on corporate boards and where we need to eradicate violence against women” Julie says with passion. “Globally, we have a responsibility to increase our support for innovative and catalytic programs that empower women economically, socially and politically”. In response to how she copes with being a young woman in a leadership role, she responds “I have had many amazing women offer me support and advice and I hope that I can pass that on to other young women. I hope there comes a day when young women leaders are no longer seen as exceptions to the rule.” For more information about UNIFEM Australia and UN Women, please visit www.unifem.org.au

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wellbeing | Fitness

Are you getting

enough

The well-known “30 minutes a day” exercise guidelines were released back in 1995. These guidelines have recently been updated and new guidelines for physical activity have been released. Andrew Verdon tells you more.

he American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) is the peak body for sports medicine in the world and is the largest sports medicine and exercise science organisation in the world with more than 20,000 members. The ACSM has released new exercise guidelines for adults under 65 years: Do 30 mins 5 days a week of MODERATE intensity cardio or Do 20 mins 3 days a week of VIGOROUS intensity cardio and Complete STRENGTH training twice per week This is quite an update and keep in mind these are the minimum levels recommended for an average adult to maintain health and reduce the risk for chronic disease. If your goal is weight loss then you also need to expand these basic levels to 60-90 minutes of activity per day. So let’s look at some definitions: Moderate intensity is hard enough to raise a sweat and increase your hear rate but you can still talk. As a guide your heart rate would be 100-130 beats per minute (bpm). Vigorous intensity is an intense cardio session. Your heart rate would be higher than a moderate session and you could NOT hold a conversation. As a general guide your heart rate would be 140 bpm plus. Strength training, the ACSM defines as 8-10 different exercises with 8-12 repetitions completed of each.

Spring 2010

These new recommendations build on the 1995 set but are improved in five areas: 1. Moderate intensity exercise has been clarified to set a recommended minimum – ie 5 days per week. 2. Vigorous exercise has been specifically incorporated as crucial 3. The light daily activities of routine life are not intense enough 4. More is better – the fact is emphasised that these are the minimum levels. Exceeding the minimum levels further reduces the risk of chronic disease and improves health. 5. Strength training is now included, and to be completed, twice per week as a minimum. As an exercise coach I am happy to see the levels of intensity be specified very clearly as well as the introduction of a strength training recommendation. I believe most people live their lives in 1st or 2nd gear to use a car analogy. You need to get your engine into 3rd, 4th or 5th gear occasionally too. Your body uses different energy systems and different chemical processes at different intensities and all should be used across a week. Strength is crucial at all stages of life. It leads to good posture, stability and independence as we age as well as stimulate healthy lean body mass and tissue for many positive health benefits. So what does this mean for the average person? The new recommendations define clearly WHAT as well as HOW OFTEN we should be active. The minimum is 5 days per week up from 3 days and the type and intensity of the activity have also been specified. What will surprise some people

who go for a brisk half hour walk three times per week is they are NOT meeting the Minimum levels of exercise.

Practical Tips: • You can accumulate 30 mins in short bouts of 5 minutes or more. • Mix it up – combine moderate and vigorous intensity into the one cardio session. For example, you can walk and jog together in one session or walk and climb stairs to increase the intensity. • Set a schedule to set aside a specific day and time to exercise each week. • A gym is not a necessity – all you need is a good quality pair of shoes, a plan, some guidance and motivation. • Get the whole family involved – parents, spouse, kids and friends can all make good exercise partners and increase adherence and motivation. • Higher intensity physical activity can be accumulated through a variety of activities – do not fall into the trap of thinking you have to run to get your heart rate up. Think outside the box of the boring “I have to go for a jog”… consider skipping. I believe this to be one of the most underutilised and underrated exercises. Try 1 min on 1 min off for 10 minutes – a great but brief workout. Andrew Verdon runs Beyond Exercise Studio and works with many current World Champion athletes, World Record holders and Olympic and Paralympic medallists. Andrew’s focus is on improving people’s overall physical performance, health and wellbeing www.beyondstudio.com.au

Feature | wellbeing

Are you afraid of

losing

? t h g i we

If you’ve tried everything to lose weight, it may be that your unconscious fears are holding you back. Terry Bahat explains the eight common fears of losing weight and what you can do about them.

“

You can’t be serious”, I hear you cry in astonishment, “I tried 23 different diets and will try several more, until I reach my desired weight goal”. Well, yes, I am here to inform you, this fear is real and if you don’t deal with it properly, you’re going to try many more diets than 23 and have a very difficult time in your quest. Fears are unconscious, don’t make sense and often, prevent us from living the life we want. It’s time to let this one go. To do this, firstly, we must recognise that fear of losing weight is legitimate and that our attention is required. Secondly, we must identify the fear. Identifying the fear may happen instantly or may take substantial time and effort, but only then will we be able to solve and dissolve it. In interviewing nearly 1,000 women on this subject, similar fears were discovered, so rest assured you are not alone and help is at hand. What has been discovered is that there are eight major, basic core fears experienced:

Fear of the unknown – You worry what is going to happen once you’ve reached your desired goals: where you will find yourself; who you will associate with; how you will react in new situations. Achieving your objectives will instill confidence and resilience in you and strength of character will assist you in successfully, dealing with every new situation you’ll find yourself in. Don’t stress and learn to relax!

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Jealousy – You fear that your spouse, friends, colleagues will all feel a little insecure and jealous. Ask yourself what you can do to ensure they are not being left out. Clearly and honestly communicate to them what you’re doing and why. Put them at ease, assuring you still love them as always.

Failure – You fear not being able to accomplish desired body weight. Consistency is the key and the only guarantee for results. If you’ve failed in the past know that you were just using the wrong strategy. If it didn’t work then, do something different to get a different outcome. Start with small, baby steps and make changes to your nutrition, physical activity and your mind set. Not looking good – You fear that after losing weight you will look unhealthy, old or sick. It’s time to change your self-image. Close your eyes and imagine yourself looking into the mirror and seeing your body slim and toned, fit and strong. What a pleasure to watch. Visualise the body you are moving towards and remember, there is more to you than your weight.

Tension with friends – Fear they won’t respond to you like they did before. You fear that as you are on a different quest, they may feel judged and uncomfortable (particularly if they too are overweight). Know that this is not your “stuff”. Some powerful, honest two-way communication and cooperation will make a difference here

to put others at ease. Too much attention – You’re used to taking a back seat and fear being centre of attention. You can plan ahead for this one and decide how you wish to respond. The process starts from inside: who do you want to be? Change in lifestyle – “I won’t be able to enjoy “crappy” food”. True, comforting food, which was one of your “dearest and closest friend” is no longer. Cultivate and develop new, positive habits. Ask “what food can I enjoy that will help me to get the body I desire?” Think of the lifestyle and quality of life you wish for yourself and make appropriate adjustments. Not keeping the weight off – You fear gaining every kilogram back and more. A holistic approach is necessary to tackle the emotional trigger for over-eating so that you don’t relapse. Adopt new, positive habits. Start with quality nutrition and cultivate a “healthy” mindset. Increase your physical activity and don’t deprive yourself. Eat mindfully and … put the scales away. Terry Bahat has been involved in the wellbeing/fitness industry for over 10 years. She is the founder of CoreWorks and a keen keynote speaker. Terry is passionate about empowering women to successfully manage their body weight with safe, longlasting results. terry@coreworks.com.au, www.coreworks.com.au

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wellbeing | Feature

Stop

”Shoulding” Have you ever heard yourself say that you “should” exercise more or you “should” eat less? Dr Angus Pyke shows how to stop “shoulding” and start making small sustainable steps to improved health and wellbeing.

hen lecturing I often begin with a pop quiz. I ask the audience to choose which of the following habits or behaviours is likely to lead to better health, happiness and increased productivity: • an apple or a doughnut • a glass of water or a cup of coffee • seven hours of sleep a night or five • a walk through the park or endless hours sitting at the desk It is not surprising that everyone gets the right answer. Buoyed by the audiences response I am tempted to finish the workshop then, that is until I move to the second question: How many of you are making these habits a part of your daily life? Behaviour change has been the bane of existence for social scientists, governments and health care workers alike. How is it that two people can read the same book, watch the same television show or participate in the same program but get drastically different results. One person can quite smoking, lose weight and begin a lasting exercise program whilst the other goes straight back to their old toxic habits. If it’s a lifestyle issue then the answer should be simple - just get people to change their lifestyle - i.e change their behaviours. People who often fail at behaviour change tend to lug around a bucket overflowing with obligations in the form of “should” or “have to’s”. Have you ever heard yourself say that you “should” exercise more, you “should” eat less, you “should” hug your partner and children more. Motivational speaker, Anthony Robbins says – “we should all over ourselves”.

Spring 2010

Think about it. When have you ever enjoyed doing something that you “should” do or have to do? This type of external motivation is based on obligation and whilst it’s often enough to get you to start something new it is rarely sustainable. It’s the motivational drive behind most diets and hence the reason that 95% of them fail. Life is full of choice and whilst most of us rarely stop to make it conscious, this doesn’t take away from that fact that every second of every day you are making a choice. You can choose to go to work or to stay home. You choose how you eat and how you move. You choose the people you spend time with. I am not taking away from the fact all choices have different consequences, I just want you to realise that you are choosing. Victor Frankl in his book “Man’s search for meaning” writes the following about his experience in the Nazi

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Feature | wellbeing

concentration camps during the second world war. “The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose ones attitude in any given circumstance.” Taking responsibility for your actions is incredibly powerful. The language we choose to use can have a profound impact on how we behave. One way of becoming more successful in behaviour change and more happy for that matter is to reduce the number of “have to’s” and to increase the “want to’s”. Changing “have to’s” to “want to’s” can sometimes be a simple matter of perspective. Let me share a story. Recently I was running with a friend of mine Keeta and it was becoming clear that she was not enjoying the run – I heard her groan under her breath “do we have to do another sprint”. I related a story to Keeta about another friend of mine Mike who was in a wheel chair after a tragic accident. Before his accident Mike was a promising junior triathlete. One night when Mike was out running he was knocked over by a car. I told Keeta that when I was having difficulties wanting to do sprints I would think about how lucky I was and just how much Mike would love the opportunity to do these sprints. The message seemed to get through to Keeta – she realised that doing sprints was not only a choice but it was also a gift. Next time you hear yourself saying “do I have to go for a walk”, remind yourself what a gift it is to be able to walk in the first place. Sometimes the simplest of things can make an unpleasant task a pleasant one - i.e changing a “have to” to a “want to”. For instance I am not a fan of ironing but if I simply put my iPod on and listen to some of my favourite podcasts then an unpleasant task becomes a very enjoyable one. Perhaps for you it’s exercising with a friend, joining a running group or bush walking club or investigating new recipes. Successful change is made easier by transforming the difficult to the easy, the aversive to the pleasant and the boring to the interesting. Life is too

short to do only what we have to do, it is barely long enough to do what we want to do. Remember success breads success, so start small and make it impossible to fail. The excitement of change often means that we set grandiose and unreasonable goals. Have you ever said to yourself – “From tomorrow I am going to exercise every day!” Whenever I hear a statement like this, alarm bells start ringing because I know the person is setting themselves up for failure. Over the years I have looked after people from all ranges of life, including Olympic athletes, and I can tell you that even those guys have a rest day at least once a week. As they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step. I would encourage you to begin by planning to exercise two or maybe three times per week. In the early stages it is important to make it easy to succeed and difficult to fail. This doesn’t mean that you can’t do more than you planned. You may end up doing six sessions in a week – fantastic. Imagine how you will feel. However, imagine if you had stuck with wanting to exercise every day. With that expectation, exercising six times in that week would have been a failure - now that’s crazy! The psychology of failure can be devastating, we quickly lose faith, we begin a negative inner dialogue and our self esteem takes a battering almost guaranteeing a return to our old habits. Behaviour change is all about small sustainable steps – it’s a marathon not a sprint. If you are a four-cup of coffee a day person, don’t expect that you are going to go to zero overnight. I will often see clients go cold turkey only to find themselves back on the coffee binge again weeks later. Health and happiness benefits only come from sustainable change. Start by replacing one of your daily coffees with an herbal tea or a warm water and lemon. When you have had some success at this up the ante and replace another coffee. Don’t give yourself a hard time – It’s important to be aware you will have “blow out weeks”. They happen to the best of

us. Blow out weeks are just an opportunity to course correct. Things will come up at work, you will go on holiday or your children will get sick. These situations can make it difficult if not impossible to stick with your new routine. See the situation for what it is and don’t let a bad week become a bad month! Like it or not behaviour change is about experimentation. What works for me might not work for you. The capacity to tell ourselves the right story about problems and setbacks is particularly important. When faced with a setback or an unflattering result we need to learn to say, “Aha! I just discovered what doesn’t work” and not, “Oh no, I’m an utter failure”. We need to interpret setbacks as guides not brakes. For instance, you find yourself staring at a half eaten piece of double chocolate mud cake on your plate, should you conclude that you’re unable to stick with your eating plan so you might as well give up? Or should your conclude that since it’s hard to resist this cake when you eat at this cafe that perhaps, you should change the place you eat your lunch? The first conclusion serves as a discouraging brake on performance, whereas the second provides a corrective guide that helps refine your strategy – course correction. Don’t forget that beating yourself up will only make the situation worse. In the big scheme of things one slip up is not such a big deal. People who have great health habits just don’t let that blow out week become a blow out month or even worse a blow out year. It’s not important how many times you fall, just how many times you get up. Dr Angus Pyke is the founder and director of What Actually Works. His humor, compassion and simple message has helped to empower thousands to make change and live a more passionate, healthy and fulfilling life. angus@whatactuallyworks.com.au www.whatactuallyworks.com.au, www.facebook.com/ whatactuallyworks

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business | In profile

It’s all

About

Fun!

From a serious corporate career in marketing to creating a business based on fun, Naomi Simson shares what she’s learned in business from start-up to success– warts and all. Q. Tell us a bit about you. What were you doing before RedBalloon? A. Before RedBalloon I started a marketing agency called Bright Marketing and before that I worked as a senior marketing manager for brands such as KPMG, Apple, Ansett (before they crashed) and IBM. Q. Why did you decide to start RedBalloon? A. I saw an opportunitybecause online was growing and I noticed a gap in the gifting market – no one was specialising in experience based gifts. I could also see the impact experience based gifts make on people. If you think about the amount of people you tell when you experience great service and fantastic food at a cafe of restaurant, it’s the same concept. People love to talk about fabulous experiences they have been on and when they are greeted with excellent customer service to top it all off,they remember that experience and tell people about it. I knew the product I was going to sell had word of mouth factor; it was then just a matter of making it happen online... and getting suppliers! Q. What were the early days like in the business? How did you feel?

Spring 2010

A. Exhausted. The early days were frenetic; we had to be experts at everything from sales, supplier relations, to folding and packaging vouchers. I was involved in all the operational aspects of the business. I used to sit with my kids every night in front of the TV folding envelopes for the first year. Natalia my daughter used to blow up balloons before school. I felt urgent‘are we going to make it?’ I had a sense of responsibility that a lot of people had trusted us and were counting on us. Q. In the early days did everyone support you or were people cautious? A. Friends and family never bought anything from RedBalloon. One or two of them did but it took years. I don’t even know if my mother has still bought anything. Everyone thought it was a great idea but they didn’t necessarily buy anything. We really acknowledge those people that gave us go in the early days. Q. Once the business started, how did you grow? A. Consistent execution over and over and over. Having a clear vision, values and alignment and repeating these making sure they were known. Knowing the why, what and how.

The ‘why’ needs to be the single driving motivation to do things – the purpose, cause or belief. RedBalloon is changing gifting in Australia forever – so people don’t get given crap anymore.The ‘what’ are the tangible manifestations of the ‘why’ that is the tangible proof or results.RedBalloon is all about amazing gifts for amazing people – experiential gifts that delight. The ‘how’ – the specific actions that are taken to realize the ‘why’ – this will be the values or the guiding principles. At RedBalloon we do what we say we’re going to do, we are a team of leaders, we are generous, we have fun and we are a little dog with a big dog attitude. Q. How have you funded the business? A. We are self-funded and we re-invest the profits in the growth of the business. Q. What was the turning point for RedBalloon when you knew that you would make it? A. Christmas 2002, when we were so busy I forgot to scratch myself and we forgot to have our own Christmas party. It was really sad because everyone worked so hard. That’s why we have our Christmas party on the first weekend of December so we don’t get caught up. I think we ended up

In profile | business

having fish and chips on the balcony in January 2002 and it just wasn’t that much fun...it wasn’t anywhere near what we do now. Q. What are you most proud of in your achievement to date? A. I’ve never ever been so proud of the team; it is such an honour to work with such a fabulous group of professionals and to work with 900 suppliers across Australia and New Zealand. To see the difference we make in organisations and it is so great to see that people believe in what we’re doing.

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Q. What have you found to be your biggest challenges? A. Scarce resources, prioritising on what is the next investment to make and having to allocate those scarce resources when there is a thousand things to do. Q. How did you overcome these challenges? A. I stayed focused on my purpose and used my values to make choices. I became innovative and used creativity to do things differently, rather than using cash to solve a problem. I also took some risks – sometimes it’s just guesswork. Nine years ago when we launched RedBalloon we simply had to be an online business - we could not afford to print catalogs or employ a call center full of people. We had to do it differently than it was being done in the UK. Now in the longer term that has left us with a far more profitable – and scalable business. We invested in intelligent, engaged people who were highly motivated to do something different, to create something great – rather than people to process forms and produce invoices. We looked at any repetitive task and said ‘how can we automate that?’ We still do. When times get lean, it is clever innovative people who will see a way forward. And, to keep them you must reward them... not necessarily with cash, but their contribution must be noticed. Q. How have you had to grow personally with the growth ofRedBalloon?

A. I read a lot, I go to one international conference a year, one educational conference at least once a month and I continually learn about all sorts of subjects. I also learn from the people I work with, everybody brings something to RedBalloon. I have also learned to have confidence in people’s uniqueness and manage people knowing their strengths and what they’re great at. Q. Who have been your mentors? A. Verne Harnish, Carla Zampatti– she is all about style and elegance and business vision. I love her purpose of making women feel great.Janine Ellis of Boost Juice for her fervour and energy for growth. Q. You are obviously passionate about supporting working mums. Tell us more about this. A. More than 50% of the graduates coming from uni are women. It’s also a fact that no matter whether you are a mother of father, parenting is for both parents. So I think we can work hard and play hard and we can have both. Q. If you were starting in business all over again, what would you do differently? A. If I knew what I know now about search engines, IT and Development I would have been able to make us easier to find on the web in the early days. I would have been able to advance the back end to our website, the customer experience, the ordering process to where it is now but all these things have come with time and with the specialists we’ve recruited. If I started all over again I would back myself and create more bandwidth sooner.

Q. What do you feel is the secret of success? A. Have a clear vision, work really hard and stick at it. Surround yourself with a team of people that share your passion. Q. What advice do you have for other women starting out in business? A. Know why you’re doing it. If you’re doing it for lifestyle then do it for lifestyle. Women need to make sure they educate themselves in financial acumen. Read a balance sheet, understand cash flow forecasting. Whilst money isn’t why we do what we do, without it we can’t do anything. Without the means we can’t change the world. Never worry about things you cannot impact. Don’t play the blame game. Take responsibility for what happens. If a misunderstanding takes place be accountable for it – and for rectifying it. Hang out with positive people. Happiness breeds happiness. Always do the things you don’t want to do first. Get the uninteresting tasks or the tough conversations over and done with as soon as possible. Then you can move on to the good stuff without having something hanging over your head. Share the love, if you are positive then others will be too… positivity is infectious.

Q. What else would you like to achieve in business? A. I want to improve our BHAG of 2 million people by 2015 and change gifting so that any Australian, if they are thinking about a gift, will think of RedBalloon.

www.empoweonline.com.au

business | Feature

A bit of

foreplay? If Financial Ignorance = Bliss, you’ll be Blissfully Broke… Finance expert Rhondalynn Korolak explains how you can achieve profitable growth in your business.

magine for a moment that you are playing an important game of tennis. It’s the club final and you are the favorite. There is a big crowd and as the game progresses, everything seems to be going to plan. You’re playing well and you’re winning points. Victory can’t be far away. There is only one problem: there is no scoreboard and the umpire is keeping the score to herself. No one except her knows what’s really going on. Nevertheless, you plough on and despite being in the dark about the score, you feel positive that eventually she will declare you the winner. You are so confident that you can’t help but relax just a little. You start enjoying the party-like atmosphere. Then out of the blue, the umpire declares that it is match point … to your opponent! You can’t believe it. You go back to the baseline and set yourself up for this big point. But it’s too late to get your mind back into gear and you hit the return wide. The game is over; the final is lost. If only you’d been able to track the score during the game. You would have been able to fight back earlier.

Are you playing ‘scoreboard-less’tennis? Every day, hundreds of businesses operate as though they are playing a game of scoreboard-less tennis. Every month the owner runs on feelings - no more than a guess about how well the business is travelling. A day or two after month end, she will look to the ‘umpire’ (her accountant),who will give her the ‘score’ (her financials). And most times, her perceptions will prove inaccurate and it is far too late to do anything about it. When

Spring 2010

things changed – when her ‘opponent’ started to get on top – she simply didn’t see it coming. Your financials are to your business what the scoreboard is at a sporting contest. Can you honestly say that you know where you are and where you are going? Do you often look at your financials and wonder what they mean? Do you waste money and time chasing new leads and sales instead of fixing your business and making it profitable?

Does your business show you love? If you are like most business owners, you went into business because you are good at what you do – graphic design, hospitality, construction, farming, retailing – and you wanted the autonomy and financial freedom of owning your own business. You were probably thinking, “as long as I am good at what I do, how hard can it be to make a decent living and support my family?” And you have probably discovered that it is harder than you thought. You may be one of the 95% of business owners who discover that although they work like dogs every day, they have little to show for it. You may be one of the many who find themselves isolated because they don’t feel there is anyone to discuss or share their greatest fears and challenges with. You may be feeling overwhelmed right now by any number of issues: Your workload, a shortage of customers, supplier issues, customer service challenges, the fact that there never seems to be enough time to plan ahead, to budget or review your progress. Or you may simply be wondering why you never seem to have any extra

money, even though your accountant says that you are making a profit. Which leads me to one area I’m guessing is definitely harder to grasp than you thought it would be: the management of money.

Could your financials use a bit of foreplay? When is the last time you took two hours out of your week to print and look at your financial statements? If you are like most business owners, you never dreamed that the ability to understand how money works would be very important. You thought, “that’s for the accountant to worry about. Sure, the accountant shows me a few reports from time to time, but I don’t see the need to really understand what they mean. If there was a problem, she would tell me, wouldn’t she?” You probably don’t realise that all those numbers - the financial DNA of your business - can tell you a lot more than you thought. They can tell you why you’re suddenly struggling to pay the bills, why your business is not performing as well as you thought and why you’ll have to forego your salary - again - because there isn’t enough cash. The financials are the story of your business. Numbers don’t lie. They are one of the few objective indicators of how your business is performing and WHY. Regardless of any justifications you use to explain why your business is not performing - the economic downturn, the shortage of ‘good’ staff, the competition both online and offline, rising rent and taxes - the numbers tell the truth and can lead you to the solution. You just need to learn HOW to use them to your advantage.

Feature | business

The BEST way to achieve profitable growth You cannot achieve profitable growth in your business without first establishing that you are in fact profitable. Establishing profitability is job #1. If you are not in fact profitable, chasing more customers and closing more sales is the worst thing you can do in your business. It’s a bit like spending 100% of your time practicing your serve while neglecting to watch the scoreboard and practice your return shots. Break-even is one of the most simple and powerful calculations that you can use to measure and enhance your profitability. A company is said to “break-even” for a period (usually a month) when its sales revenue catches up to all of its costs. Specifically, accountants talk about breakeven as the point where ‘fixed costs’ (rent, salaries, utilities etc.) are matched by ‘gross profit margin’ (total sales revenue minus cost of goods sold). It is essentially the point during the month when you stop paying everyone else in the business and start paying yourself (in the form of profit).

(like gross profit margin and fixed costs) are moving targets – because your business is fluid in nature, your key performance indicators are changing all the time, which means that your breakeven target will be slightly different each month. Understanding these subtle differences is crucial to you being able to take effective and appropriate action when you and your team fall behind your monthly targets. 2. It is imperative to break the monthly breakeven target down into bite size pieces that can be understood by everyone and measured regularly - i.e. how much in sales must be generated per hour (or per salesperson) each day? The breakeven target is only useful if you can track and measure it each day. The bottom line is this, what gets measured in your business, gets improved. 3. If you are behind target at a given point during the month, resist the urge to spend money on mass advertising or

Hundreds of businesses operate as though they are playing a game of scoreboar-less tennis. Achieving profitable growth in your business:

Calculating your break-even each month and more importantly knowing exactly which day of the month you breakeven and cover all of your costs, will allow you to hit the sweet spot of your company and make informed, strategic decisions about how to achieve growth that is profitable for your bottom line and healthy for your bank account. And that is the best way to hit an ace in your business. Rhondalynn Korolak is a lawyer, chartered accountant, clinical hypnotherapist and Master of NLP and is an expert at business acceleration and the power of influence. She is the author of “On The Shoulders of Giants” and “Financial Foreplay”.

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1. At a minimum, breakeven must be calculated monthly. Your critical numbers

put items on sale to increase revenue quickly. Any activity that increases fixed costs or decreases your gross profit margin will raise your breakeven target and make it more difficult to reach. Marketing costs adds to your fixed expenditures and discounting always decreases your gross profit margin. Look for strategies that allow you to speak directly to your existing customers for very little cost – these direct

marketing tactics (like email) are often very effective and inexpensive. Aim to up sell complementary products, value add (resources, checklists or training) or introduce additional products that have a high gross margin and make it easier for you and your team to increase sales and the bottom line. Ask yourself “what can we do to enhance the customer experience and add value so that price is no longer a determining factor in the purchase decision?” 4. Post the breakeven targets where all team members can view them and demonstrate that you are serious about measuring and reporting on profitability. Monitor progress every day toward the checkpoint, celebrate/ reward the successes openly and follow-up quickly on any shortcomings or discrepancies. This will eliminate unwanted surprises at the end of each month and allow your team the opportunity to step up, meet and exceed your expectations. 5. It is simply not enough to [just] breakeven and cover costs each month unless you are a not-for-profit business. If you are a commercial enterprise, you also need to set and strive for a breakeven plus profit target each month. To determine what your breakeven plus profit target is for a particular month, simply add your desired profit to the fixed costs for the month and then divide that total by your gross profit margin. Then break the breakeven plus profit target down to a daily rate so that you can track it along with breakeven.

www.empoweonline.com.au

Enjoy some time out for yourself with these new inspiring and motivational books. Learn to Sleep Well

By Chris Idzikowski, Simon & Schuster, $19.99 The indispensable open sesame to the secrets of sleep. By showing us how to combat tiredness, insomnia, nightmares, snoring and children is sleeping difficulties, and by using a wealth of practical exercises and techniques, the renowned sleep expert Chris Idzikowski sets us on a sure path to a good night’s sleep, leading to greater energy at home, at work and at play. Inside you’ll find an in-depth practical guide using 20 specially devised step-by-step exercises.

The Definitive Book of Body Language By Allan and Barbara Pease, Pease International Pty Ltd, $29.95 Regardless of your vocation or position in life, you will be able to use it to obtain a better understanding of life’s most complex event - a face-to-face encounter with another person! It will make you more aware of your own nonverbal cues and signals, and will show you how to use them to communicate effectively and how to get the reactions you want. You will also discover how to make a positive impression on others, how to make yourself more likeable and approachable, how to recognise love-signs and power-plays, and how to read between the lines of what is said and much more.

A Daily Does of Sanity By Alan CohenHay House, $24.95 Our day-to-day lives can toss us away from our dreams, desires and hopes of better tomorrows. This is because we can often be so bogged down by our daily duties and obligations that we rarely get to achieve some peace of mind. Alan Cohen provides simple ways and valuable life lessons to help ease the chaos of your life and get back to feeling better, living better and finding personal fulfillment in your everyday life.

YSM Body Bible By Jodie Hedley-Ward, Exisle Publishing, $34.99 YSM Body Bible is a complete fitness guide for today’s busy wife and mother. Using the latest research findings on women’s health and fitness, it is a holistic look at the body and includes detailed diet and exercise advice. The book also emphasises mental attitude and offers motivational advice on overcoming negative self-talk and limiting beliefs, as well as strategies on how to set oneself up for success. The detailed nutritional and exercise training programs in the book have been thoroughly tested and approved by experts, and have been devised especially with mothers in mind.

The Female Vision: A woman’s real power at work Sally Helgesen and Julie Johnson, BerrettKoehler Publishers, $17.95 Women see the world through a distinctive lens. What they see is defined by what they notice, what they value and how they connect the dots. In this brilliant and strongly argued new book, Sally Helgesen and Julie Johnson demonstrate why the female vision constitutes women’s most powerful asset in the workplace and show how women and organizations can use it to strong advantage. The Female Vision lays out exactly what companies must do to engage, energize and support talented women, and shows women how to nurture and sustain this power.

Spring 2010

Feature | career

Courageous

conversations From time to time we need to have a conversation with someone at work that makes us feel uncomfortable, vulnerable or even physically sick. As Sally-Anne Blanshard explains, with a little preparation we can bring out our bravery from within and change the outcome.

ave you ever had a courageous conversation? Where you muster up the courage to take on whatever it is that is worrying/gnawing/hurting/ angering you in the workplace? If you’re like most people, you avoid them like the plague – perhaps so far as saying you would rather jump out of a plane than approach the dilemma head on with a conversation. At the time, your inner critique makes an unwelcome appearance and you start to worry about what people will think. And then, having avoid the conversation, time passes and you wish you had said something or spoken up. Thinking about it afterwards is not going to change things but a little preparation and beforehand could change the outcome.

•

Where to start: •

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Plan what outcome or result you want or hope for – what outcome you would be happy with, what will you settle for? Prepare what you will say – write down all your thoughts on paper. Get them all out and then cut it down. Try and replace the waffle with words that have meaning Think about the language you will use – are you moaning or whining about the situation or is there a professional way to present the dilemma? Consider non-verbal cues – body

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language plays an important role when having face to face meetings; it’s not always what you say but how you say it. Think about maintaining eye contact, not using your hands too much and position yourself positively. Plan when you will have the discussion – try and set up the right environment – coffee in the foyer downstairs may or may not be good depending on the message you are trying to give. If there is a private space or boardroom try and use that. It sets the scene that you are having a serious conversation. • Acknowledge your inner critic - push it to one side – you will be overcome with self-doubt and it’s at this point we normally rather jump out of a plane. Breathe, then breathe again breathing can influence your stress levels so instead of getting nervous and breathing rapid short breaths, try to let deep breathing settle you before, during and after the conversation. Focus on the outcome and the facts having prepared for the outcome you will know what you want. Be open to options and comments that you have not considered. Focus on the facts and not your emotional reaction. Power of the pause - when you have said your piece, pause. Stop talking. Never underestimate the power of the pause. Reflect on the outcome – after the

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meeting, reflect on the conversation – did you get the outcome that you wanted? What could you do differently next time? Rewards – pat yourself on the back. You were very brave. You can now reward yourself!

In practice Two examples come to mind in applying the above practical tips. Anna was close to leaving her employer recently and approached her Managing Director to give feedback about her current role and situation and where she could see her skills best utilised in the business. She took on the approach above and had a discussion that resulted in her being given new responsibilities, running a new team. She has renewed energy in her role and a bright future in the organisation. She gave herself permission to ‘put her thoughts out there’ and stop building up the negativity around the situation and environment she was in. Karen was annoyed with a flippant comment that a senior executive made in relation to a project she had spent a lot of time on. She prepared her thoughts and rather than letting the situation continue to make her blood boil she discussed her disappointment face to face with the manager and received an awkward but well deserved apology. The best clue about whether you need to have a courageous conversation is … well … you would rather not have it.

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Sally-Anne Blanshard is the Career Manager for www.myambition.com a website dedicated to helping individuals accelerate their job search and career strategy. In addition, Sally-Anne coaches candidates through interactive tutorials, workshops and one to one sessions. sally-anne@myambition.com www.myambition.com

www.empoweonline.com.au

career | Feature

e c a F

It’s in the

The moment you finally click with that hard-to-work-out person… priceless! Mike Francis introduces a simple tool to help you understand who you are talking to.

t may be customers or clients. It may be colleagues, superiors or subordinates. It may be friends, family or that special someone you would love to be loved by. No matter who it is, being able to roughly ascertain the communication style of the other person (the earlier in the relationship the better) will automatically raise your state of confidence. You will relax, you’ll focus, you’ll listen – I mean, really listen – and then the quality of your conversations will rise in unison with your confidence. The most essential element in our humanto-human relationships (business or personal – not to mention, the most unpredictable – is our ability to communicate face-to-face (or voice-to-voice). Whether it’s verbal or nonverbal, this form of communication is the most powerful means we have available to us, in order to share our feelings, thoughts, needs, wants, desires, opinions, concerns, passions or whatever else we want to communicate to each other. Ok, sure, we can also use flowers, emails, cards, etc. to convey a sentiment or a message; and, no doubt about it, we can make those things speak loudly. However, it’s when we are face-to-face that we have the opportunity to take our communication to the highest level. It’s the communication after you send those flowers, or that email, or you deliver that presentation; that’s when the real communication starts. Cracking the code of how to read communication styles opens the door to Betterland. That’s the place where you… • better understand what people want and why; • better understand how people prefer to receive information; • better understand their motivations; • better understand how to match their communication style (and to do so quickly); • ask better questions, in better ways, with better timing; • give better answers; and • get better results.

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One of the best ways to get to Betterland is with the use of a communication tool called ‘FACE’. Indeed, from this point on, the word ‘FACE’ will be interchangeable with the word ‘communication’. Right, let’s get crackin’! Ascertaining the FACE styles of others can be achieved by asking just two questions: 1. A question that refers to the ‘Pace’ element of someone’s FACE style; and 2. A question that refers to the ‘Relationship’ element of their FACE style. In more simple terms, you need to ask a details-related question, and then a feelingsrelated question. Of course, both questions need to have some relevance to the other person and/or their circumstances. But, before you even bother trying this on another person, you must first apply them to yourself. What’s your FACE style? What are the Relationship and Pace elements of your FACE? Let’s start with Pace. When it comes to communicating, where would you say you are on the scale below? Are you more of an Observer or a Driver? Are you more Cautious or Impulsive? Are you Passive or Aggressive? Are you a Follower or a Leader? Do you tend to speak Fast or Slow? Now consider the Relationship element of your FACE style. Where do you think you are on this next scale? Are you more Closed or Open? Are you more of a Private or a Public person? Would you describe yourself as Introverted or Extroverted? In conversation, are you more Reserved or Expressive? Would other people say that you tend to be Quiet or would they say you’re Loud?

There’s no right or wrong, good or bad, better or worse place to be on either of those scales. You are who you are. And once you have clarity and acceptance about the Pace and Relationship elements of your FACE, you are then empowered to seek and understand how others are wired.

Now, just before we go into exploring how to frame the two questions to ask to determine the FACE styles of other people; here’s the most important clue for making this a successful process… The answers to your two questions are not important. Yes, you should remember the content of what they say, but not for the purpose of ascertaining their FACE styles. What matters is HOW they answer. It’s how they say what they say that matters most, not what they actually say. Let’s use a hypothetical scenario to dig deeper… Let’s assume you are speaking with a potential client – we’ll call her Grace – who owns and runs a small retail business. Your first question to Grace is a Pace question: “Grace, what’s the average number of

Feature | career

walk-in customers you have in your business per day?” If Grace is initially quiet and doesn’t speak until she has a definite answer, this indicates that Grace is predominantly ‘Observer’ in her Pace. If she answers quickly, or is chattering as she leads up to a defined answer, then she is predominantly ‘Driver’ in Pace. Next, you ask Grace a Relationship question: “Grace, how do you feel about the economy and the effect it may have on the short-term future of your business?” If Grace gives you a short answer in just one or two words, this indicates that she is predominantly ‘Closed’ in Relationship. If she gives you a longer answer (flavoured with opinions, ideas and superlatives), then she is predominantly ‘Open’ in Relationship. Your combined observations of Grace’s answers to both your questions will indicate her FACE style. Have a quick study of the FACE Matrix structure and then we’ll consider Grace’s answers again.

If Grace’s response to your Pace question was slow, with a moment of silence before she answered (Observer); and her response to your Relationship question was descriptive and conversational (Open), then Grace is most likely a FRIEND. Of course, this is not a perfect science that provides you with 100% accuracy in your assessment. However, you can be confident of gaining a better-than-average assumption of her FACE style and subsequently be able to engage more effectively in conversation with Grace, and in a style that makes her (and you) feel comfortable… and confident. “But what if Grace is not really a FRIEND? What if that’s just the way she is on the day?” Great question! And the answer is simple: You must communicate with people in a manner that meets their FACE style at the specific time you’re conversing with them. If Grace’s true FACE style is not normally that of a FRIEND, or if her style seems to shift as the conversation progresses; then, you will need to shift your style to match.

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Ok, here’s a question I’ve been asked many times: Does FACE work in business settings? Answer: ABSOLUTELY! That’s the first place we ever tested FACE. Using FACE in a business environment, assuming the right training, knowledge and skills are applied, will inevitably lead to improved business results. Recruitment, peoplemanagement, performance and ultimately profits will improve. Let’s demonstrate. Sales, negotiation, customer service and most of marketing, are all simply structured forms of communication. Therefore, it makes good sense to

develop skills and experience in all facets of communication (FACE) to ensure the potential for success is maximized. Let’s take the area of Sales, for example. The very heart of Sales is Communication… FACE! Therefore, if we master FACE, it makes sense to assume that we can master Sales. It really is that simple! A key determinant to success in sales is the Sales Conversion Ratio; which, in simple terms, means how often we turn a sales opportunity into an actual sale. There are many factors that contribute to our ability to increase our Sales Conversion Rate; and how effectively we communicate with potential customers is certainly one of those factors. Now, whilst it may appear that this whole article is all about communication or FACE… it’s not! What we’re really talking about is relationships. The most precious commodity in the economics of human existence is relationships. In business, personal, community or pleasure, our experiences of success and happiness are in direct proportion to the strength and quality of our relationships. Those who invest in relationships are investing in success. Take a moment and think about the people you care about most. Seriously, get a picture of them in your mind right now! It may be your wife, your husband, partner, children, parents, siblings, colleagues, clients; no matter who those people are, it’s primarily the relationships you share with them that has put that smile-on-yadial right now. It’s the return on your investment. If you are able to connect with people and engage them in conversation more readily; if you are able to read their FACE style by simply asking two questions; then you will project confidence, you’ll feel more comfortable, and you will enjoy greater success in your relationships. Indeed, you will feel more successful with life in general. What’s your FACE? Visit www.facematrix.com.au to find out.

Mike Francis is a Professional Certified Coach and owner of Brillionaires Coaching International. Contact Mike at mike@facematrix.com.au.

www.empoweonline.com.au

finance | Feature

Is debt making

you sick

Seriously speaking, overcoming spiraling debt and financial hardship is indeed a stressful process, leading to anxiety attacks, divorce and possibly significant life threatening illnesses as a result. Sandra Woods shows you how to get out of debt and combat impulse spending in the future.

hen faced with serious financial debt, the most important thing you could do is to have the right mental attitude in facing the difficulties. Then, be prepared to take action to create a good debt reduction and future spending plan to erase your debt. Many financial experts recommend a debt reduction plan for people in debt. However, this plan is not always the best on it’s own. Although a formal debt reduction plan can assist you to reduce your debts, it brings negative effects to your credit rating, plus, it doesn’t stop you from creating more debt. So, what is an effective debt reduction plan? It comes from you. First of all, you need to know the exact amount of your debt. Gather all your bills and list them one by one on a piece of paper. Write down the interest rates and the monthly minimum payment for each debt. Don’t miss out any small debt. Then, work out a budget by taking your monthly income and commitments into consideration. Figure out how much money is left for you to pay back your debt every month. If you don’t have enough cash to cover the minimum payment, you must cut down unnecessary expenses so that you can have more cash on hand. Finally, in order to speed up the debt reduction process, look for more external funds to pay off your debt. For example, get a part time job to increase your monthly income or, if you have excess items at home, consider selling these at a garage sale or on eBay. Use this income to clear your outstanding debt.

Spring 2010

When you have financial problems, it is always good if you can solve them on your own. By taking the steps above, you can reduce your debt successfully and at the same time, your credit rating will not be affected at all. The next important step is to not experience a repeat of over spending, the biggest cause of which is impulse spending. To combat impulse spending follow these five tips: 1. The generous stranger – when considering a purchase, picture a stranger offering you the cash value of the purchase or the item in question. Which is of greater value to you? Which would you choose? In situations where you find yourself tempted more by the cash than the purchase, you can probably wait, and vice versa. The reasoning is simple; if you have the cash equivalent of the product, you have the flexibility to purchase it at some later time, which means there is no urgency. 2. Work hour equivalent – ask yourself how many hours of work would it take you to pay for this item at your current rate of pay. Converting your work hours into the price of the outfit/ car/handbag could help you evaluate the cost/benefit of your purchase a bit more realistically. 3. $100 / day keeps the consumer away – wait one day for every $100 the prospective item costs. Of course, you can scale this up or down according to your income. 4. Talking to your spouse about it – imagine explaining the purchase to

your spouse or significant other. How would it feel saying, “This awesome Hawaiian Oil Painting was on sale for only $999”? 5. Switching on your logical brain – you lived without it just fine yesterday. So ask yourself if you can live without it just fine tomorrow. This shifts your thinking from an emotional purchase to a more logical one, to really look at how the item is actually going to contribute to your life. We all have our own coping mechanisms for spending money instead of paying off debt, and make our own rationalisations. These tips will give you the time to at least consider the options before impulse purchases that will leave you with buyer’s remorse. We all have our own coping mechanisms for spending money instead of paying off debt, and make our own rationalisations. These tips will give you the time to at least consider the options before impulse purchases that will leave you with buyer’s remorse. * The information provided here is general in nature. It should not be relied on as the basis for any decision to take action or not take action. Readers should obtain professional advice where appropriate before making any such decision.*

Sandra Woods is the owner and CEO of The Aspire Academy of Learning and Leadership, Mentor, National & International Speaker and Workshop facilitator. Appointments are available to speak to a fully licensed Financial Adviser. info@iaspire.com.au or www.iaspire.com.au.

Feature | business

Investing in

tax

In this issue, finance expert Dean Bassett shows that investing in something just for the tax deduction isn’t smart – it’s just plain dumb.

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ustralian’s are faced with a smorgasbord of choice when it comes to investment options. These include superannuation, investment property, shares, managed funds, cash management accounts, term deposits as well as a multitude of niche financial products. Some of these investments have a tax-deductible element – usually dependant on how you have purchased or other criteria governed by government policy. From my observation, our culture is one that believes we are over taxed as a nation and there is generally a healthy distrust of the Australian Tax Office. One outcome of this attitude is that we can be amendable to the idea of reducing or paying less tax through investing.The danger here is that this may well be true. But, I want you to understand that just because you may be paying less tax it doesn’t follow that you have invested wisely. Investing in something just to pay less tax isn’t smart – it’s plain dumb. If we do believe that reducing our tax bill is a good thing you have to accept there may be some negatives. For any investment there is always some form of risk particular to that type of investment. And, there is always a cost. Let’s look at a few examples - firstly Superannuation. If we are employed, we are usually receiving some superannuation as a legislated component of our wages or salary. One of the great benefits of super is

that it is taxed very advantageously to other investments and there are tax incentives to add to super over our working lives. However super is a restrictive investment and you won’t get to decide when you can use the fund. This will be quite some time in the future and is determined by the law not your needs. So the cost is that your money is locked up well into the future and can’t be used for anything else but your future retirement. The risk of superannuation relates to its performance. Very few super funds guarantee performance – and any “guarantee” is linked to the specific type of investment mix you select (usually called capital guaranteed) which will have a very low rate of growth. In addition there are a huge number of people who don’t even nominate how they’d like their super invested leaving it in the default option every super find must have – leaving the success of their investment in someone else’s hands. Risk and cost exist in other types of investments. Australians love property and most people have some opinion on its value as an investment. Property is expensive to purchase (compared to other types of investments) and most investors borrow to complete the purchase. This is attractive as the interest on the loan is tax deductible as are the costs of owningmaintaining the property (council rates, strata levies, insurance policies and land tax) so there can be some hefty tax breaks for the owner.

None of this matters if the investor has failed to factor in changes to interest rates and can now no longer afford the property. Or the property becomes harder to rent for some reason resulting in less rent. Or possibly,it’s an older property that needs an unexpected amount of maintenance. Unforeseen changes in cash flow, interest rates and tenancy are the potential cost of property as an investment if you haven’t been careful in your choice. One of the main risksof property is that it isn’t a liquid asset like cash. If you change your mind or need money in a hurry you are in trouble if all you have is property. Even if you decide to sell your investment you do so in the open market where your success depends on finding a buyer who will pay what you believe is its real value. So while a tax break seems like a great idea it’s far more sensible to make well researched choices about a good investment first and then enjoy the tax deductibility as a bye product of your strategy. As a wise person once said “it’s always a good time to buy a good investment, but there is never a good time to buy a bad one”. Dean Bassett is a Financial Advisor and Director of Destiny Financial Solutions Castle Hill. He has 20 years personal experience as a property investor and seven years with Destiny assisting clients with property. For more information or a free book contact visit www.destiny.net.au

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change your life in 15 minutes

success

What is

We all know that our mindset around success determines if we are successful. Practice mindfulness on each of these quotes to power-up your mindset. ting Success is blocked by concentra while you’re watching. Success is often achieved by tho

on it and planning for it.... Suc

cess is shy - it won’t come out ~ Tennessee Williams

is inevitable. se who don’t know that failure ~ Coco Chanel

in the futu Success will never be a big step

just now. re, success is a small step taken ~ Jonatan Martensson

succes You cannot climb the ladder of

. s dressed in the costume of failure ~ Zig Ziglar

Success is getting what you wa

you get. nt; happiness is wanting what ~ Author Unknown

reached much by the position that one has so not red asu me be to is s ces Suc he has overcome. in life as by the obstacles which ~ Booker T. Washington There is only one success - to be Success seems to be largely a ma

n way. able to spend your life in your ow rley Mo ~ Christopher

have let go. tter of hanging on after others m Feather llia ~ Wi

s, is That some achieve great succes

ieve it as well. proof to all that others can ach ~ Abraham Lincoln The closer one gets to the top, the

more one finds there is no “top.” ~Nancy Barcus

n success. There is no success but your ow ~ Terri Guillemets t you did your best to become the Success comes from knowing tha oming. best that you are capable of bec ~ John Wooden Try not to become a man of suc

man of value. cess, but rather try to become a ~ Albert Einstein

Some people dream of success... The two hardest things to handle

hard at it. while others wake up and work ~ Author Unknown

in life are failure and success. ~Author Unknown when you hit bottom. Success is how high you bounce ~ George Smith Patton

Spring 2010

coaching toolkit Coach yourself to success

SPRING 2010

LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE week 1

Set Your Goals

Use this goal-setting tool over the next three months to achieve your goals and improve your life. Set the dates for your coaching sessions and let’s get started. AREAS OF YOUR LIFE

Date:

Welcome to your first coaching session and congratulations for taking the first step to improving your life. In this first session you will be setting two inspiring goals for different areas of your life. Using the coaching models provided, complete the following exercises.

Where are you now?

On the chart, rate yourself on a scale of 0 - 10 in relation to where you feel you are at in each area of your life right now. Then, draw a line around the chart, joining the dots where you have marked your rating in each area.

SELF This is your relationship with yourself. Consider how much love, appreciation, acceptance and respect you have for yourself. PARTNER Think about this area in the context of whether you’re single or in a relationship. If you’re in a relationship, it refers to how you feel about your life with your partner. Is your relationship what you want it to be? If you’re single, think about your level of satisfaction with being single. Some people would love a committed relationship and others are content as they are. How do you feel? FAMILY This area refers to how you feel about your relationships with family members. The rating you give this area should be an average for all family relationships. While some will be strong, others may not be so good. SOCIAL Similarly, this area refers to how you feel about your relationships with friends and your satisfaction with your level of social/fun activity. Again, provide an average rating of your relationships and social activity.

A ‘10’ means you consider that area is perfect and a ‘0’ means major improvement is needed.

Where do you want to be? Next, give yourself a rating in relation to where you want to be in each area of your life in the next 1 - 2 months. Again, use a scale of 0 - 10 and draw a line around the chart, joining the dots where you have marked your rating in each area. Don’t be afraid to dream a little but consider what you can realistically achieve in that time. There’s no need to aim for a perfect 10 in any or every area.

WELLBEING This is your overall sense of wellbeing and how you feel about your health & fitness. SPIRITUALITY If you’re a spiritual or religious person, this area refers to your level of connectedness with your beliefs. If you’re not spiritual or religious, think about your level of contentment with life in general. BUSINESS/CAREER This area considers the level of success and/or fulfilment you feel in relation to your business, career or current employment. FINANCES This final area refers to how you feel about your level of financial freedom and/or your progression towards your desired level of financial freedom.

Imagine your life with these results

Spring 2010

Creating your goal Now it’s time to create your goals. To begin with, choose one area of your life that you would like to improve. Say it’s ‘Partner’ and you want to go from a rating of 4 to 8. Using the goal template over the page, create a written goal outlining what that new rating means to you - perhaps it’s about finding a soulmate or re-connecting with your husband.

Every goal that you write should be an emPOWER goal. Think about the emPOWER principles as you go through the process

Wellbeing

It is the 31 and I feel s st of August 2010 of what I h o happy and proud have reachedave achieved. I of 60kgs an my goal weight I am fit, he d I look fantastic. much more althy and have so fit into that energy. Now I can and I feel fasexy black dress bulous.

Write your goal in the present tense, as if you’ve already achieved it. Make it meaningful, including some strong emotions, and make sure your goal is inspiring to you. Use only positive words and be specific – focus on what you do want instead of what you don’t want. Be a little realistic (but not too much) about what you can achieve in the timeframe chosen. Remember, too, your goal needs to be your own, not a goal to change someone else. You can only take responsibility for improving yourself and your life.

Goal 1

Write your goal

Fill in the spaces below to create your first goal. Remember, you’re writing in the present tense and be positive - with the right attitude you’ll get where you want to be much faster. What you want [Date] [Emotion1] [Emotion 2] to achieve It is .............................. and I feel so ................................................... and ....................................................... I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... Now I/We........................................................................................................................................................................... and I feel............................................................................................................................................................................. [Emotion3] Why you want to achieve it

Goal 2

Write your goal

Fill in the spaces below to create your first goal. Remember, you’re writing in the present tense and be positive – with the right attitude you’ll get where you want to be much faster. It is .............................. and I feel so ............................................................. and .............................................................. I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... I/We................................................................................................................................................................................... Now I/We........................................................................................................................................................................... and I feel.............................................................................................................................................................................

Required action: Your only action for the next week is to read your goals every day. Read them out loud and, as you read each one, experience how you will feel when you have achieved what you want. This is called visualisation and is an important step in the goalsetting process – visualise your goals as if you have already achieved them.

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week 2

Making it Happen

Date:

Now that you’ve been reading your goals for a week, consider whether you need to change or add anything to your goals to make them even more meaningful and inspiring. In this session, it’s time to start setting (and doing) the actions necessary to achieve each goal.

Required action: 1. If necessary, add to or change your goals. 2. On the action sheet provided, make a list of the actions you need to take in the next two weeks to get closer to your goals. Remember, these are your goals and you’re responsible for the actions, so be as detailed as you can. 3. Choose a motivational book to read or course to attend to expand your learning. 4. Continue to read and visualise your goals everyday.

Goal 1 Action

Completed

................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. ................................................................................................................................................................................. .................................................................................................................................................................................

Goal 2 Action

Completed

Spring 2010

week 4

Date:

Reflect on your goals and actions. Are you achieving what you’d planned to by this time? If you feel that you’ve lost some motivation for achieving your goals, or that you aren’t getting any closer to achieving them, it’s quite normal for people to experience this at some stage during the coaching process. To give you a reminder, and a shot of motivation, do the first action suggested below. Consider your results from the last two weeks. Have you completed all of your actions? If not, what got in your way? What can you do differently to prevent the same outcome in the next two weeks? If you’ve completed all of your actions, perhaps you can now push yourself a little harder.

Required action: 1. Meet with a friend or partner and share your goals with them. Explain to them all the reasons why you want to achieve each goal and how it inspires you. Ask them to hold you accountable. 2. On a new piece of paper, set some new specific actions for each goal over the next two weeks. Remember to challenge yourself. Anything worth achieving may be a little uncomfortable. 3. Continue to read and visualise your goals every day.

week 6

Date:

Hopefully you are well on your way to achieving your goals. If not, you may need to consider adjusting your goal date a little. This is normal and can happen for numerous reasons. You may have underestimated the time it would take, you may have gotten off track, or perhaps you may need to be more strict with yourself in taking actions. Remember, if nothing changes, nothing changes. It is up to you to achieve your goals.

Required action: 1. Adjust your date if necessary. 2. For each goal, make a list of 20 reasons why you want to achieve the goal. Remind yourself of how good you will feel and how life will be different. 3. On a new piece of paper, make a list of the actions you need to take in the next two weeks to get you closer to your goal. Remember to challenge yourself. 4. Decide on one nice thing you are going to buy or do to celebrate achieving your goal. 5. Continue to read and visualise your goal every day.

week 8

Date:

Well done for making it to Week 8 and congratulations if you have achieved any of your goals. If not, don’t lose hope, things sometimes just take longer than initially expected. Either way, it’s important to celebrate how far you have come.

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Required action: 1. Celebrate your success to date. Do something nice or buy yourself your chosen gift. 2. If you have adjusted your goal date, continue to set actions every two weeks and read your goal every day. 3. If you’ve achieved your goal, get ready to set some more goals and start again at Week 1.