Enhancing the client relationship
Communication channels Information Direct communication
Video It’s not about the nail!
Communication channels Information Direct communication
Emotion What is it used for?
Communication channels Information Direct communication
Relationship Indirect communication (body language, tone, etc.)
Relationship level communication • Like/dislike – labeling Acceptance
• Hidden/explicit goals Level of trust – Hidden agenda – what are you after? • Do you need to be liked by your client/colleagues? • Do you need to be perceived as professional? • What is your biggest fear?
Interview techniques 1. Acceptance 2. Empathetic reflecting 3. Congruence
Acceptance • Unconditional acceptance of the other • Underlying belief: “I accept him/her as a fallible, imperfect human being – even if I don’t like his/her behaviour”
• Philosophical change: what a person is vs. what a person does
Empathetic reflecting • Facts vs. feelings • Repeating and summarizing focusing on emotion and specific behaviors “He was really pissing me off!” “So you felt annoyed at something he said or did. What was that all about?”
• Open questions • Tentative interpretations “Is this what you had in mind when you said…”
Congruence • Honesty & Trust – What are my goals, what are his goals? • “Help you help me” • Don’t fake interest, get interested!
– Recognition of personal limits, of mistakes in communication • “I don’t know” “I’ve never thought of that” • “I’m not sure I understand” • Accepting yourself as imperfect leads to self‐ acceptance by the client
Practical Tips • Global + evaluation, specific feedback • Ask for more information about the opinion you don’t agree with • Focus your feedback on the emotions and the motivations of the client • Don’t try to project a “professional” or “perfect” image, it’s ok to make mistakes! • Honesty and genuineness mirrored by the client
Bonus: And vs. But Information
ARGUMENTS Relationship
ARGUMENTS
Arguments are never about information, but about the relationship! (Liking/acceptance)
And vs. But • “I think you are an awesome friend but I have to tell you something…” • I agree, but I also think that… • Yes, but… • You are wrong. Here is how I see it…
• “I think you are an awesome friend and I have to tell you something…” • I agree, and I also think that… • Yes, and… • You are right. Here is how I see it…
Acknowledging their opinion (“you are right”) valuing the relationship NOT giving up your requests
Bonus 2: Reciprocal altruism • Humans – social species (survival depended on it) • Altruism? • Behavior that benefits others at a cost for myself • Only works when reciprocal (“I scratch your back, you scratch my back”, tit‐for‐tat) • Social glue, promotes cooperation, increases quality of relationships
• How does it work? • Doing things for somebody generates a “debt” or “credit” that can be “cashed in” later • Not counting every “cent” – but not reciprocating in the long run “feels wrong”
Reciprocal altruism • PROBLEM: high tendency to cheat the social exch.(reap rewards at no cost to myself) • Highly profitable if not detected • Not knowing we’re cheating more convincing • More convincing more likely to get away with it
• EFFECT: cheating without realizing it, using rationalization to justify it after the fact
Reciprocal altruism • How do we cheat? • Not making requests, not saying what we want giving “hints”, reproaching • Not appreciating when we get what we want reframing as obligation (“It’s your job”) • Not acknowledging the debt (credit) • Not assuming responsibility for getting our own needs met • Arguing (either/or) instead of negociating (both)
• Relationships are BASED on (reciprocal) debt
Reciprocal altruism SOLUTION: • Assume responsibility by: • Asking explicitly for what you want • Not expecting people to “read your mind” • Appreciate people’s efforts even if small or late (or especially if so)
• Promote respect for yourself by: • Turn reproaches and critics into requests (“What do you want, what can I do now for you?”)
Bonus 3: How to avoid manipulation • First: people don’t consciously try to manipulate! • Avoid “mind‐reading” • When people are upset Ask what they want relationship level communication ‐ warm
• Avoid guilt‐tripping • Self‐acceptance • Guilt (labeling) vs. sorry for… (spec. behaviour)
• Avoid “saving” people • The saviour‐victim pattern (responsibility) • Creating clear personal boundaries
Thank you for your attention!