2012 Wedding Planner Published by the Daily Journal SouthsideWedding
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24 6 Countdown to your Wedding 8 Wedding Party Roles 10 A Local Wedding Story: Katie Stam Irk 18 Finding the Perfect Dress 24 Wedding Gown Preservation 26 Gift Registry Do’s and Don’ts 30 Delayed Honeymoons 32 Marriage Vows 34 Budget Planning Worksheet
January 31, 2012 | Southside Wedding is published by the Daily Journal. EDITOR: Paul Hoffman WRITERS: Amy May, Bea Northcott, Greg Seiter DESIGN: Amanda Waltz For editorial content, contact Paul Hoffman in the Daily Journal special publications department at (317) 736-2701 or by e-mail at phoffman@dailyjournal.net. For advertising content, contact the Daily Journal advertising department at (317) 736-2730. Southside Wedding c/o Daily Journal 2575 N. Morton St. Franklin, IN 46131 © 2012 by Home News Enterprises. All Rights Reserved. Reproduction of stories, photographs and advertisements without permission is prohibited. Stock images provided by Thinkstock
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Countdown to the
big day
To help you get a better understanding of how to plan a wedding and when you should be making certain decisions, here’s a time frame you can follow that should ensure that your wedding goes off as smoothly as possible.
(Story by Metro Creative)
10 to 12 Months Before
If you haven't done it already, this is a good time to announce your engagement and introduce your respective families. Since most reception halls and churches have busy wedding schedules, it is also important to book both as early as possible, preferably at least a year in advance of your wedding day. It's also a good idea to start putting together a guest list around this time and ask your parents whom they'd like to invite as well. Also, since your budget will determine just about every aspect of your wedding, sitting down and determining what you can spend and developing a savings plan should be first and foremost.
6 to 9 Months Before
This is the time when you want to start booking some services, such as a florist, caterer, a DJ/band and a photographer. However, some of the more experienced DJs and bands, as well as photographers, might have their schedules booked a year in advance, so this might be something you'll want to consider doing shortly after you get engaged and choose a date. Also, this is a good time to inform any guests who will be traveling significant distances of the date of your wedding. The earlier your guests can book a flight, the less expensive that flight will be. This is also a good time to order gowns for both the bride and bridesmaids, as some manufacturers require a few months to ship to bridal shops. You might want to ask someone, such as your priest or rabbi, to be the officiant of your wedding. And much like out-of-town
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guests will save travel dollars the earlier they learn of your wedding date, you will likely save money, too, if you book your honeymoon around this time.
4 to 5 Months Before
This is a good time to decide on wedding invitations, of which there are many styles to choose from. Also, now is ideal to start hunting for a wedding cake by sampling a number of different bakeries’ cakes before ultimately making a decision. Just to be sure, confirm that all of the bridesmaids have ordered their gowns and start looking for a tuxedo for the groom as well as the groomsmen. If you haven't done so already, purchase your wedding rings and let any other people you'd like to participate in your wedding (ushers, readers during the ceremony, etc.) know of your intentions.
2 to 3 Months Before
Finalize your guest list and mail out your invitations. If your guest list includes a considerable amount of people who are spread out geographically, mail the invitations as close to 12 weeks in advance as possible. This is also a good time to finalize your menu choices for your guests, and find all your wedding accessories such as the ring pillow, candles, etc. Also, since it is tradition to provide gifts for those in the wedding party as well as the parents of the bride and groom, this is a good time to decide on and purchase those gifts. Just to be safe, confirm that all groomsmen have ordered their tuxedos and finalize all transportation, both to and from the wedding and to the airport for your honeymoon.
1 to 2 Months Before
Schedule the first bridal-gown fitting. Also finalize the readings you'd prefer during the ceremony and mail them out to anyone who has agreed to do a reading. If your family prefers to host a small gathering for close family and friends after the wedding rehearsal, the night before the wedding, this is a good time to order any food or drinks you might want to serve that night, or make a restaurant reservation.
3 to 4 Weeks Before
Confirm your honeymoon arrangements and see if your wedding rings are ready. This is also when you should get your marriage license and check the guest list to see who has and hasn't RSVP'd. For those who have yet to RSVP, you might want to contact them so you can get a closer idea of what the head count will be. You should also prepare and order your wedding program around this time.
1 to 2 Weeks Before
Get a final attendance count and submit it to the caterer as soon as you know of it, while also providing a final seating chart. Pick up the wedding gown and tuxedo. Make sure the wedding party picks up their attire. Also, finalize your vows and confirm all wedding-day details such as transportation, photo schedules and addresses. And don't forget to pack for your honeymoon.
The Day Before
This is mainly when you rehearse for the ceremony and make any final confirmations you might have to make. Also, make sure to get some sleep so you'll look good in all of your wedding-day photos. •
don’t complain to couple about copycat wedding ( By CARLEY RONEY, Scripps Howard News Service ) Q: Our engaged friends are copying our wedding — same venue, same band, even similar colors! Many of the same guests will be there. They’re totally copying our wedding. Can I speak up? A: In a word, no. Think about it this way: Your friends loved your wedding — they loved it so much, they want to use some of your vendors. Be flattered. Besides, guests either won’t notice the resemblance or they’ll think that your friends must have admired your style. Either way, approaching the bride and groom about copying will appear petty. Plus, there’s no way your friends’ wedding could ever be the same as yours. The fact that you and your husband are inherently different than your friends means that the weddings are different, too. Carley Roney, co-founder and editor in chief of The Knot, the nation’s leading wedding resource, advises millions of brides on modern wedding etiquette at www.theknot.com.
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Roles of wedding party
participants
(Story by Metro Creative)
Maid of Honor
The maid of honor is a role typically filled by a sister or a very close friend. It is the equivalent of the groom's best man. The maid of honor's role, therefore, is typically very involved. Among her many responsibilities, the maid of honor accompanies the bride on shopping trips for her wedding dress while also planning the bridal shower, bachelorette party and coordinating the bridal party gift for the bride. Also, the maid of honor helps the bride get dressed on her wedding day, holds the groom's wedding ring during the wedding and may also help in the writing of invitations. The maid of honor will also typically act as a witness to the wedding and dance with the best man at the reception. If the woman you're asking is married, her title will be matron of honor.
Best Man
A wedding can be a wonderful and memorable experience for all of those involved. That’s why you ask friends or relatives to share in the event and serve in your wedding party. Your offer is a wonderful honor, one that carries with it varying degrees of responsibility depending on the role each person will be playing. To help you decide who to ask to be in your wedding party, here is a list of titles and responsibilities for each participant’s role.
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Perhaps the most well-known responsibilities of the best man are organizing the bachelor party and giving the toast at the reception. But the best man, who is typically a brother or best friend of the groom, also has a slew of other responsibilities. In addition to helping the groom choose his tuxedo and get dressed before the wedding, the best man coordinates the couple's gift from the groomsmen and takes care of the newlyweds' transportation to the airport after the reception or the next morning. The best man may also hold onto any payment that's due to the reception site or the donation for the house of worship, and take care of any final financial details. He also holds the bride's wedding ring during the ceremony.
Bridesmaids
Along with walking in the wedding procession, bridesmaids attend the shower and contribute to the bridal gifts. Bridesmaids, who are typically sisters or friends of the bride or groom, also dance with the groomsmen during the reception. To be further involved, each can be given specific roles, like reading a religious passage at the ceremony, providing assistance with choosing wedding vendors or helping to address wedding invitations.
Groomsmen
Groomsmen are the male equivalent of the bridesmaids, typically having nearly identical responsibilities. Sometimes, groomsmen can act as ushers for guests arriving at the ceremony. Groomsmen walk in the wedding processional and attend and help organize the bachelor party, as well.
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If the bride has a sister who is especially young, that sister typically fills the role of flower girl. Since most flower girls are very young, their responsibilities are generally limited to carrying a basket of flowers during the processional and, depending on the bride's preference, tossing flower petals on the ground to mark the bride's entrance.
Ring Bearer
Like the flower girl, the ring bearer is a very young member of the family, only the ring bearer is a male. The ring bearer's role is to carry a pillow with the rings sewn on it during the processional. Some couples choose to have the ring bearer and the flower girl walk next to one another during the processional.
Parents of the Bride
The bride's parents may be responsible for hosting the wedding, if they will be completely financially responsible for the event. In some cases, the father of the bride escorts his daughter down the aisle alone, but in other instances or in religious ceremonies, both parents may accompany the bride. In all cases, it's her preference. The mother of the bride may help fund or contribute to the planning of the bridal shower if the maid of honor needs assistance. These parents may also foot the cost of an engagement party or dinner to meet the groom's family.
Parents of the Groom
The groom's parents should host a rehearsal dinner prior to the wedding. They may also choose to contribute to the wedding if they desire. In most cases, the groom's parents have limited responsibilities, but can be involved as much as the wedding couple would like. Traditionally, the groom's mother confers with the bride's mother on what color gown she is wearing, so as not to go with the same shade. The groom's parents may walk down the aisle in advance of the rest of the wedding processional and take their seats. •
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COVER STORY
Being in the spotlight with little time to prepare and adjust is nothing new for Katie Stam Irk, who served as Miss America 2009. After all, the Seymour native entered and won her first pageant at the age of 15 and has had success ever since.
Miss America’s
wedding Katie Stam planned her own gala for 500 By Greg Seiter / Correspondent Photos by Jennifer Driscoll, www.jenniferdriscoll.com
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erhaps it should come as no surprise that the University of Indianapolis student, who is pursuing a degree in communications, was able to put her own wedding together, a gala event for 500 guests at the Crowne Plaza Grand Hall Historic Union Station in downtown Indianapolis, in a relatively short amount of time. “When you’re getting married in 5½ months, you have to make decisions quickly,” she said with a laugh. Stam Irk met her husband, Brian, in 2005 during the first semester of her freshman year at the University of Indianapolis. “We had the same class together, applied television,” she said. “Brian was a junior and he was always upstairs in the studio. I’d seen him before, but didn’t think anything about it. I wasn’t in the market for a boyfriend.” However, a mutual friend invited both of them to a party that December and they suddenly found themselves thrust into a social situation together. “I went because I wanted to spend time with friends, but Brian and I were the only two not drinking. So we started a conversation and talked there until 5:30 in the morning,” she said. “He lived in the campus apartments so we went back to his place after that and stayed up talking until 9:30. “It was amazing how in-depth the conversation became. There were even faithbased questions. It was really deep.” As time passed, the couple’s relationship blossomed but so did Stam Irk’s pageantry success. In fact, Indiana’s Junior Miss 2005 went on to win competitions at the local (Miss Duneland 2007), state (Miss Indiana 2008) and national (Miss America 2009) levels during the next four years.
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On the last night of her national reign, she was also introduced to another potential title, one that she hadn’t prepared for, as Irk proposed marriage to her during the 2010 Miss America Pageant’s Evening of Dreams gala in Las Vegas. “Robin Leach was the emcee and he started asking me about Brian,” she said. “Then, he told me to have Brian come up on stage. I didn’t get it until Robin told him to do his thing. But apparently, all 700 people in the audience knew what was going on. “I can’t imagine it being any sweeter or more romantic.”
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“From the moment I walked into Union Station, I knew that was the place where I wanted to get married.” —Katie Stam Irk
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Historic setting
Anticipating a large crowd for their wedding, the couple quickly decided on a location for both the ceremony and reception. “We knew we wanted to get married in Indy, but with the size of our guest list, there weren’t a lot of options,” she said. “However, from the moment I walked into Union Station, I knew that was the place where I wanted to get married. “I’m a huge history geek and it’s already so spectacular there. I knew I wouldn’t need to do anything to it.” With a location selected, the former Miss America focused her attention on finding a dress, but even that process didn’t take very long. “Somebody told me about a place in Broad Ripple called the Wedding Studio, so I initially went there by myself. I tried on a dress and I immediately got the same feeling I’d had when I put on the dress that I won the Miss America title in. “It’s amazing how an article of clothing can make you feel that way.” Stam Irk selected a gown from New York designer Steven Birnbaum’s collection, a silk satin one that included a cathedral-length train and veil to match. The dress was ready to go after a personal fitting session in New York. “Being in pageants, I’d been able to experience gowns with lace so I wanted something special for my wedding,” she said. “My gown was timeless. It was exactly what I wanted.” The bride-to-be also knew she wanted to incorporate antique jewelry for her July 23, 2010 wedding, so she selected simple pieces that included earrings, bracelets and a hair brooch.
Simple shoes
Stam Irk even took a simplistic approach when picking out shoes. “I didn’t want anything fancy, so I went to the bridal section at Payless and pulled a pair off the shelf that were about $25,” she said. “The brand was ‘Unforgettable Moments’ and the theme of our wedding was going to be ‘Unforgettable’. “It’s amazing how, after we chose that theme, little coincidences like the brand of shoes kept popping up.” While making final preparations for the event, Stam Irk took a very hands-on approach. In fact, she made many of the accessories herself, including the programs, menu cards and bouquets for the bridesmaids. “I’ve always been a very crafty person,” she said. “It was really important for me to contribute and making those things was something I could do on my own time. It was a great way to save money, too.”
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The colors of the wedding were white, grass green and black and the bride’s bouquet consisted of white hydrangea, gardenias, orchids, roses, lisianthus and viburnum. In keeping with the event’s color scheme, matrons of honor and bridesmaids were dressed in black. Following the ceremony, guests enjoyed a cocktail hour, while the room was transformed into a reception banquet hall. Dinner that evening featured a salad station, a carving station, a pasta station and an exotic mashed potato martini bar, where mashed potatoes are put in a martini glass and topped with a choice of sauces and other toppings. The couple, now living in Westfield, initially spent their honeymoon in Gatlin-
burg, Tenn., but also enjoyed a second honeymoon later that fall on a private island in the Caribbean, near St. Martin. Today, they’re as busy as ever. While Brian works as a personal trainer and youth soccer coach, the former Miss America serves as vice president of brand awareness for New Sunshine skin care products and is approximately one year away from earning her college degree. “I still do speaking engagements and personal appearances, too, but I also want to be a good wife,” she said. “Brian and I may start a family in the next two or three years and I would like to be a stay-at-home mom while working part time, but we’ll just have to wait and see where we end up.” •
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By Amy May, staff writer
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or the bride to truly enjoy her wedding day, she needs to feel like she looks her very best. And that means it’s all about the dress. The hunt for the perfect dress — the one that brings out the roses in your cheeks and the highlights in your hair, flatters your best assets and disguises your flaws — is as much an opportunity for female bonding as it is a wardrobe quest. Women rarely shop for their dress alone. So, who should come along? Haute couture fashion designer Oscar de la Renta surprised everyone in October on “The Martha Stewart Show” when he said your mother is the last person who should help choose your gown. An audience member had asked a panel of experts who she should take with her to shop for her wedding dress. De la Renta replied, “Not with your mother!” according to a Daily Mail article. “More often than not,” he said, “a mother’s taste is at odds with her daughter’s and her nostalgia for her own wedding day can often get in the way of choosing the right gown.” And if the bride-to-be watches a few of the ugly family fights on the TLC show “Say Yes to the Dress,” she may decide she’d rather go it alone just to save her sanity. But most wedding experts say that your mother should be included in the selection process, even if the two of you don’t ever agree from a fashion standpoint. “Take (her) advice with a grain of salt,” said Kim King Smith, owner of Kim King Smith Events LLC, an accredited wedding planning business. “Their input and advice is sincere. Be happy to have someone who is totally honest with you.” Jessica Pauline Ogilvie, author in online magazine The Gloss, wrote that like many young women, she has vivid memories of adolescent dressing room dustups with her mother over fashion choices. “But I wouldn’t dream of shutting my mother out of wedding dress shopping. Because let’s be real: bringing your mom shopping for a big event like a wedding is not really so much about getting her opinion as it is about the fact that it’s nice if you can reconnect with your family in a meaningful way during important times in your life.” She also pointed out that if you are old enough to be getting married, you should be mature enough to deal with your mother, respectfully listen to her opinion and stand up for your own decisions. In fact, it’s
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former co-workers needn’t attend wedding ( By CARLEY RONEY, Scripps Howard News Service ) Q: I used to work with one of my bridesmaids. I’ve since changed jobs, but we’ve remained close friends. In fact, she’s the only person at my old company to whom I still talk. She recently asked how I felt about having her verbally invite some people from there. I guess they’ve been asking about it. Is it just me, or is that incredibly weird? A: Way awkward. Your friend is probably just trying to be nice, so don’t get wound up about it. Be clear that though you’d love to extend an invitation to everyone, you just can’t have any more people than the ones you’ve invited. Let her know she’s the only one of the work crew you still speak to since leaving and she’ll understand. Carley Roney, co-founder and editor in chief of The Knot, the nation’s leading wedding resource, advises millions of brides on modern wedding etiquette at www.theknot.com.
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good practice for your marriage. King Smith suggests taking your maid of honor, your mother and perhaps your grandmother or sister or other close female friends or relatives during your shopping excursions. However, limit your entourage to three people. “And don’t take the groom!” King Smith said. Bridegrooms are getting more involved in wedding planning nowadays, even helping make the centerpieces, select a theme or choose the caterer, but the dress should be kept under wraps until the big day. “It kind of spoils the surprise,” King Smith said. “(The gown) should be kept secret to preserve the surprise and get the ‘oohs’ and ‘aahs.’ Don’t put it on Facebook.” But the temptation to show it off is hard to resist, especially if the bride has looked at several places and finally found her perfect gown, she added. “They are proud of it and want to share it. They have looked at it as a treasure hunt.” She said some lucky brides find their perfect dress at the first store they visit. Others may visit 10 or more. “It’s not unusual to start in one city and end up in another one, or even out of state,” King Smith said.
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Some brides go to out-of-state stores that advertise rock bottom prices for gowns and bridesmaid dresses. However, the dress selection is only the first step, which is followed by potentially multiple fittings for the bride and her attendants. The cost of gas and food for outof-town travel may end up being more than the money saved, King Smith said. If you are asked to help with the dress search, be supportive of the bride and her choices and concerns. “This is a special tradition for women, something we all look forward to. It’s an honor to be selected to go. Be supportive. It’s her day, her dress, her moment. Don’t be critical. Go with the flow,” King Smith said. Some other things to expect when shopping for your perfect gown:
Size
Don’t stress about the number on the label. Wedding gowns run small, so the size will not be your normal dress size.
Alterations
The dress you choose will most likely need to be shortened or let out in some places. This is normal, King Smith said. You may need to make multiple visits for the fitting. Be sure to wear the undergarments you plan to wear on your wedding day, so the professionals can get the best fit possible. Also, not every shop that advertises alterations is necessarily qualified to take care of wedding gowns. This can be most obvious with the bustle, King Smith said. It requires multiple fasteners and is rather complicated to install, so it should only be trusted to a wedding gown professional. The store where you purchased the dress can refer you to a qualified alterations shop.
New fashions
There are lots of variations of white nowadays. While your coloring may make bright pure white off limits, an off-white with antique lace may look great on you. So experiment with the different hues. Many brides are now choosing to include specialty belts or bridal sashes. The belts accentuate a sleek waistline and can be embellished with jewels. When they came into fashion, they were black, but now brides are using colors. Some brides also buy a second dress. This dress is less formal than the gown, but still matches the color theme of the wedding. The bride may change into it for the party and dancing after the ceremony and formal reception. “It’s another surprise. You can get the spotlight on yourself again,” King Smith said.
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Take advice “This is a special tradition for women, something we all look forward to.” —Kim King Smith
A clerk or shop owner, as well as a wedding planner, sees thousands of wedding dresses and thousands of brides. They can help you find the best dress for your body type and coloring. Some dresses might not look good on the hanger but look wonderful on you, so listen to the shop owner’s suggestions, King Smith said. “Let the pros help you. We do this so everyone can look their best, be happy and have that happily-ever-after moment,” she added. •
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Timely attention to wedding gown helps preserve memories By Lisa Flam / Associated Press
Associated Press
A
fter Barbara Hart’s wedding in 1989, her mom took care of the dirty work. She had Hart’s 1950s lace gown repaired, cleaned and preserved, boxed up and ready for another bride in the family. It was late last year, though, when Hart’s niece, who was considering wearing the gown, opened the box, only to learn it held the wrong dress. “It was very upsetting to me. It’s all this connection to your younger life. A connection to my mother, to a moment in time,” said Hart, 50, of Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y., whose mother has since died. “You’re just losing the thread of this connection.” So much thought goes into selecting a wedding gown, but once the celebration is over, the dress begins to fade into the background. Experts say that right after the wedding, however, is precisely the time to make sure everything is in order so your dress is pristine if you want to wear it again for an anniversary, have it made into a christening gown, or hand it down to a
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daughter or other loved one. Hart doesn’t know what instructions her mother was given about opening or not opening the box, and the dry cleaner that worked on it has since changed hands. “My advice is that people should open the box and inspect it, and make sure they have the right dress and it’s properly done at the time,” said Hart, a lawyer. Mix-ups are more common than you might think. Hart said an acquaintance of hers heard her story and opened her box to find a different dress, too. “The problem of the wrong dress is endemic in the industry,” said Sally Conant, executive director of the Association of Wedding Gown Specialists. “Ask to inspect your dress.” A preservationist for 20 years, Conant said the wrong-dress-in-the-box scenario happens less frequently now because most preservations are done in boxes that aren’t sealed, though some still are. Conant, of Orange, Conn., said she
packs the dress in front of the bride. Many gown specialists now feel it’s OK for people to open the box later, she said; it won’t void the guarantee against yellowing. “It’s fun for them to see it again,” she said, “and they like to reassure themselves.” The association, which has members in the United States, Canada, Mexico and Ecuador, requires gowns to be preserved in acid-free boxes. Margaret’s Cleaners, a member in La Jolla, Calif., packs the gowns in chests with acid-free tissue and wraps the gowns in unbleached muslin. The box is put into a muslin bag to keep out environmental debris. The boxes aren’t sealed, and white gloves are provided so oil from your hands won’t mar the fabric. “We want our brides to be able to open the box and examine it every couple of years” in case any yellow spots start to show, said bridal director Jan Bohn. Methods that involve shrink-wrapping or vacuum-sealing the boxes, which then
must remain closed, are not recommended by Conant and Heather Levine, fashion editor of TheKnot.com. “Vacuum-packing your gown can cause permanent wrinkles, or trap moisture,” which can cause mildew, Levine said. Cleaning the dress soon after the wedding is key to preventing discoloration and fabric damage. At Margaret’s, each gown is evaluated to determine how it should be cleaned, Bohn said. Her business has seven methods. Cleaners remove blemishes that are visible (the most common is floor dirt) and invisible (usually perspiration, or sugar from champagne, soda or frosting). “If you do nothing, they will oxidize in a couple years,” Bohn said. “You’ll start seeing small yellow or brown marks, and then they grow and get bigger and they can damage the material.” Conant estimates that 80 percent of gowns have invisible stains, which cleaners find with special lights. “A lot of times peo-
ple will think they didn’t spill anything,” she said. “But a friend throws her arms around you and in her hand is a glass of wine ...” Levine urges brides who want to save their gown to use a gown specialist, or a local dry cleaner that handles at least 100 wedding gowns a year. “You can’t just go to the dry cleaner on the corner,” she said. “On a day-to-day basis, most dry cleaners aren’t working with silk organza and heavy beading.” The Knot puts the national average cost of cleaning and preserving a wedding gown at $200 to $400; Conant at $250 to $300. Bohn says her services start at $325 and have reached $1,000. It depends on how much damage has been done, how the dress is constructed and what it’s made of, Bohn said. Conant estimates that 25 percent of brides preserve their gowns, while many resell them. Brides spent an average $1,099 on gowns last year, according to Levine. Wedding planner Barbara Wallace says one-third to one-half of her high-end cli-
ents have their gowns preserved. “By the time you’ve spent $5,000 or $10,000 or more, it seems silly not to spend that few extra dollars to keep it nice,” said Wallace, of Corona del Mar, Calif. Some dresses may be lost to the postwedding trash-the-dress phenomenon, which has brides donning their gowns to wade into the ocean or frolic in the mud for the camera. But even with a trashing, most gowns can still be saved. “If it’s not silk, we can return it to almost like new,” Conant said. For many women, though, the sentimental attachment to the gown is strong. Hart recalls that her mother hoped Hart would have a daughter who would wear the now-missing lace dress. That daughter, now 9, was sad to learn the gown was gone. “My daughter’s face just fell,” Hart said. “It’s very sad to me because ... I’m not able to live out a dream my mother had for me.” •
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Including registry info with a save-the-date ( By CARLEY RONEY, Scripps Howard News Service ) Q: Is it considered tacky to include registry info inside a save-the-date? A: People do it, but etiquette says not to. Avoid formally sending out registry info. Instead, direct friends and family to your wedding website. There, you can include links to anywhere that you’re registered. It’s actually easier for guests that way. Remember that guests don’t actually have to get you a gift in the first place, so formally sending out registry info may feel pushy. Carley Roney, co-founder and editor in chief of The Knot, the nation’s leading wedding resource, advises millions of brides on modern wedding etiquette SouthsideWedding at www.theknot.com.
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Bed, Bath and ... Tiffany Consider guests’ budgets when registering for gifts By Michelle Chapman / AP Retail Writer
R
unning around a store with a scanner tagging gifts to add to your wedding
registry may sound like fun, but the continuing economic uncertainty means couples must balance their wishes with what guests feel comfortable spending. Remember the praise Will and Kate got for their charitable registry? And the criticism Kim Kardashian received for the overthe-top items on one of her registries? It’s important to maintain perspective, especially with increasing numbers of alternative registries making it easier than ever to ask for everything from napkin rings to help with a mortgage down payment. “You need to stop and take inventory of what you already have and what you will need for your lives together,” says Jodi Smith, an author and the president of Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting. Find some tips for developing your game plan on the next page.
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Traditional Registries: If you don’t already have a complete household’s worth of goods — or two — you may want to consider a traditional registry. You can avoid some of the returns, exchanges and “regifting” if you think carefully about what your guests are up for when you choose where to register, what you ask for and how much people will be expected to spend. The Store: You may love a little local boutique, but it’s not likely to be convenient for all your friends and family. Some may prefer seeing their gifts for you in person. And there still are people who never buy online. So try to register with at least one store that has locations around the country. The Prices:
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Find stores that regularly provide coupons, like Bed Bath and Beyond does, or have frequent promotions, like Macy’s. And offer variety. “If you register at Tiffany, do maybe Tiffany and Target,” suggests Smith. Plus, if you include gifts that cost less than $20 or $50, guests may be happy to give you a pair, like a set of baking sheets with a set of mixing bowls, explains Amy Eisinger, associate editor of weddingchannel.com. If there are a few expensive items you really want — like a $600 vacuum cleaner or a $1,500 set of pots and pans — it’s fine to add them to your registry because a group of family members or friends might want to pitch in together, Eisinger says. The Selection: Choose items that last, like china and linens, so they feel more special as gifts. And include a mix — everything from barware to gardening tools — so guests find something they resonate with. The Policies: Know in advance how stores handle returns and exchanges — especially those that don’t involve a receipt — and choose retailers that are flexible. Some stores also give couples extra “perks.” Eisinger says many retailers offer a discount to couples to help them complete their registries once the wedding is over. Others offer free gifts or services, like monogramming, once the total spent on items in a registry passes a certain amount.
Take this magazine wherever you go! Online all the time.
Alternative Registries: A growing number of websites offer new takes on wedding planning and presents, though most essentially boil down to ways to receive cash payments online or to send donations to a favorite cause. There are honeymoon registries, at www.honeyfund.com and www. honeyluna.com and other sites; charitable registries like www.greenwish. com, www.alternativegiftregistry.org and www.justgive.org; and even cash registries, such as www.ourwishingwell.com and www.featherournest.com, where you can save for a mortgage down payment. Smith recommends pairing any alternative registry you choose with a traditional one. “There will always be guests who don’t want to give money,” she says. Keep Tabs:
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It may seem taboo, but it doesn’t hurt to occasionally check what your family and friends are choosing from your registry. A quick scan as the big day nears (ask a bridal party member to peek if it makes you uncomfortable) can help you determine if you need to add or change your selections to ensure your guests have options and feel included in your plans and your future. •
It’s recommended to pair any alternative registry you choose with a traditional one, because some guests may not want to give money.
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Couples find more to love about delayed honeymoons By Hillary Speed / Associated Press
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My wedding was perfect: a miraculous, 52-degree day during an otherwise freezing Boston winter. Friends and family smiling. A gorgeous dress. A tasty cake. Bluetinted hydrangeas flown in from Japan. And the storybook, love-at-first-sight romance at the center of it all. There isn’t a thing I would change about that day; it’s the honeymoon I’d do over. Specifically, I’d do it at another time. Couples planning a wedding face obvious pressure to go on a honeymoon immediately after the tying of the knot. They want to seize the moment and indulge in a romantic, intimate vacation while still riding the wave of wedding euphoria. They want, as we thought we did, to escape the obligations of family and friends by running off to a tropical island far, far away. To which I say: Reconsider. Delay that postnuptial vacation. A belated honeymoon is the No. 1 piece of advice that Carley Roney, editor in chief of TheKnot.com, offers engaged couples. “You should never leave the morning after,” said Roney, who delayed her own honeymoon. “You want to have that time with your friends and family, because
so often people are coming from far and wide, and then you disappear.” Couples should still plan the honeymoon in advance, Roney said, but book it for five or six months after the wedding. That gives them a chance to “double-dip”: They can be around friends, siblings and parents during the next-day playback, when everybody is still happy and willing to dissect the event as many times as you want. Then you get to relive the passion of your wedding day a few months later, when you go on your honeymoon. Also, following the joy of a wedding with a trip can diminish the excitement of being on vacation. “Sometimes after that total drama and excitement, the honeymoon can be like, ‘Do I really have the energy?’ It can be a bit of a downer in comparison,” Roney said. According to a study by TheKnot.com and The Wedding Channel in 2010, 80 percent of marrying couples take a honeymoon, and eight out of 10 of them leave right away. For us, that felt too soon. Exhausted from the festivities on Jan. 1, our big day, my husband and I crashed at a Boston hotel, barely able to process
the whirlwind we had just experienced. We passed on the champagne, passed on the chocolate-covered strawberries, passed on the yada yada yada and simply collapsed into a deep slumber, already feeling like an “old married couple.” Four hours later, we rose with the sun to jet off to Mexico, far from all the family and friends we had barely had enough time with the day before. We flew to Cancun, waded through customs for more than an hour, then hitched a ride with a car service to a port, where we waited for a ferry to take us to Isla Mujeres. Once there, we hailed a taxi to our not particularly luxurious B&B. All before lunch. Distant were the memories of the festivities just one day before. While many of our loved ones gathered at my parents’ house, we couldn’t even find Internet access to let them know we had arrived safely. I finally found a patch of shoddy wireless the next day that lasted just long enough for a quick view of the first wedding photos that friends had uploaded to Facebook. My husband and I huddled over my too-small iPhone, soaking up those first shots of our magical day. For most of the 19th century, the word “honeymoon,” or “honey-lunacy,” referred not to a trip, but to the period of time after the wedding when a couple was still swallowed up by love. “The honeymoon was said to last one month, after which tenderness would wane like ‘the changing moon,’” according to scholar Barbara Penner, who wrote “Newlyweds on Tour: Honeymooning in Nineteenth-Century America” (University of New Hampshire Press, 2009). “A post-wedding trip was referred to as a wedding journey, bridal tour or nuptial tour, while a honeymoon denoted a generic period of newlywed bliss,” she said. As the tradition evolved, it began to be seen as the first opportunity for a new couple to be alone and to share sleeping quarters. But these days, many couples are less desperate for time alone. The rarer opportunity may be those few extra days with farflung cousins, grandparents and friends. And most couples have jobs with limited time off, and have already spent many a paycheck on the wedding itself. By returning to work for a few extra months, you could perhaps earn a more extravagant vacation, or take one with less guilt. Our honeymoon suffered from overzealous budgeting. Thinking about spending money on a trip in addition to the wedding, even though we didn’t pay for most of it, was almost too much for our frugal minds to bear. We cut costs everywhere we could, and it showed. I recommend the delayed honeymoon. •
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Promising Words Carefully consider your marriage vows ahead of time By Bea Northcott According to wedding-industry planners, it can take anywhere from 30 to 250 hours to plan a wedding. That’s a lot of time and energy to plan a one-day event. At best, couples who receive premarital counseling spend a couple of hours a week for six weeks planning for their marriage. That means couples spend from two to 20 times more time planning one day than they do planning a lifetime together. Imagine if couples spent as much time planning their marriage as they take to plan the wedding. So much thought is given to the dresses, tuxes, caterer, flowers, photographer and food that the ceremony and the vows that are exchanged are often an afterthought or accepted as tradition without thoughtful consideration. Vows are at the heart of the wedding ceremony. It’s the part of the ceremony when the bride and groom swear their solemn promise – an oath, a declaration, a covenant – to themselves and to family and friends to make a lifelong commitment to each other. Even more than being at the heart of the wedding ceremony, vows are the heart of the marriage – especially in those “for worse” or “in sickness” times. A few years ago, I became interested in researching the meaning of the marriage vows. The inspiration came from knowing what the research says about marriages and divorces, while at the same time observing others’ marriages and approaching the 30th anniversary of marrying my husband, Chris. What I began noticing was couples that have not only survived significant difficulties (illness, job loss, infidelity) but have thrived either in spite of – or because of – them. Most people wouldn’t have blamed many of these couples if
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they had divorced. And the fact is many couples divorce over much less serious issues.
For better or worse
It made me start thinking about the words in the most commonly used marriage vows such as “for better or worse” and “in sickness and in health,” what it means when you “take” a spouse, vow to stay together “till death do us part,” and how couples can use those words every day to give meaning to their marriages. My research led to a series of articles in the Daily Journal, which then led to the publication of a book, “Promising Words: The Meaning of the Marriage Vows.” The most commonly used wedding vows are short and simple, only 42 words, but so full of meaning when you stop to think about them. “I, Bea, take you, Chris, to be my wedded husband. To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.” Those are the words I said in 1980, and again in 2005, when my husband and I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with a renewal of vows ceremony and the “wedding” we never had. Variations of those 42 words are repeated hundreds of times each day across the country and almost 1,000 times a year in Johnson County. Wedding vows vary across religions and some are as straightforward as in some faiths in which the bride and groom are simply asked: “Do you (name) take (name) to be your wife/husband?” Other vows are more complex, and some couples even write their own. Our common wedding vows began with the “Book of Common Prayer,” published
in 1549 and used by the Anglican Church. The original vows included the words “love, cherish and obey,” for the woman and, “love and cherish,” for the man. In 1922, the Episcopal Church removed the word “obey” from the bride’s part of the vows. Modern society misinterprets the original meaning of the word “obey,” which did not mean that one person is subservient to the other. Rather, “to obey” means “to listen deeply.” Every marriage could benefit greatly from deep listening between spouses.
Communication key
Words are the basis of communication, which is the cornerstone of a healthy marriage. Because words can mean different things to different people, it’s important to discuss what the words mean to each of you. Engaged couples, or those considering engagement, can benefit from discussing what the vows mean to them. Married couples should occasionally return to the vows in order to remember what they promised each other and how they can use them to build a successful marriage. Here are some questions couples should consider concerning their vows:
• What words do you and your spouse define differently? • On which issues do you have conflicts – finances, parenting, family, religion, work? • How will you reconcile these conflicts? • Which of your spouse’s habits or behaviors are you willing to ignore rather than nag? • Do you truly listen to your spouse to understand not only what they are saying, but also what they are not saying? • What have you done today to allure, captivate, charm or enchant your spouse? • Are you being the best husband or
wife today that you could be? • What can you do to show your spouse that you love him or her? In addition to asking these and other questions of yourself and your spouse, you can take advantage of premarital counseling, marital counseling and enrichment programs to prepare for, improve upon or restore a successful marriage. To find out how you can get a copy of “Promising Words,” visit our website at www.marriageinvestors.org Exchanging vows at your wedding is not the end of your commitment to building a successful marriage. It is just the beginning. Phyllis Koss, a marriage educator, offers this motto for the bride and groom: “We are a work in progress with a lifetime contract.” •
Piper’s
Bea Northcott is executive director of Marriage Investors, a United Way of Johnson County agency whose mission is to serve as “a community collaboration committed to reducing family breakdown and divorce in Johnson County by empowering couples to build strong, healthy relationships.” Info: (317) 3089889 or www.marriageinvestors.org.
the person paying for wedding activities holds the power ( By CARLEY RONEY, Scripps Howard News Service ) Q: My future mother-in-law agreed to pay for certain things, but recently retracted. Take the rehearsal dinner, for example. She preset the menu and refuses to pay for drinks. His parents don’t lack the necessary funds. Am I better off asking her not to contribute because it’s a pain, or should I just deal? A: Unfortunately, the person holding the checkbook holds the power. In reality, your future in-laws offering to pay for the rehearsal dinner is a really nice gesture. By accepting, you give them the right to set the rules. Sure, they should’ve included a glass of wine or two. But they don’t have to. If you’re worried that your guests will be offended that they have to pay, let your mother-in-law know you will foot the booze bill at the end of the night. Either way, you’ll be dealing with each other for a long time, so don’t flat-out refuse this contribution. Carley Roney, co-founder and editor in chief of The Knot, the nation’s leading wedding resource, advises millions of brides on modern wedding etiquette at www.theknot.com.
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wedding budget worksheet Total Wedding Budget:
Ceremony
Flowers
Location fee Officiant fee Marriage license Rings Pillow Total Ceremony
Ceremony Bride’s bouquet Bridesmaids’ bouquets Corsages & boutonnieres Reception centerpieces Flower girl basket Bathroom arrangements Total flowers
Reception Reception site Food Drinks Rentals Cake Favors Total Reception
Attire Gown Headpiece/veil Undergarments/hosiery Shoes Accessories Jewelry Makeup Hair Tuxedo Shoes Cuff links Men’s grooming Total attire
Music Ceremony musicians Band/DJ Extra musicians Total music
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Photography Photographer’s fees Videographer’s fees Total photography
Transportation Limousines Buses/transport for guests Total transportation
Stationery Invitations Calligraphy Postage Thank-you cards Total stationery
Gifts Wedding party Parents Other Total gifts
Honeymoon Accommodations Food Total honeymoon
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