Life & Relationships Are All About Balance

by Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE

Just as the seasons cycle in ways that bring the Earth into balance, so do the seasons of Life. From birth to adulthood, we evolve as physical, emotional and spiritual beings, going through cycles of renewal and regeneration.

Children’s brain wave frequency is like that of an adult in a hypnotic state, between alpha and delta. This is why children are like little sponges, soaking up all they see, hear, feel and experience. Their prefrontal cortex doesn’t start developing until about ages six to nine (the “age of reason”), so their experiences are directly download into their subconscious minds without any filters or rationalizing.

This is why children need good role models and adults who will nurture and guide them. Love is not all they need, and they won’t just figure out life all on their own! The first year of life their survival brain is developing, so bonding and attachment is key. It’s the foundation of all further development.

Then, during the toddler years, their emotional (limbic) brain is developing, which is why we see tantrums and “kid logic” that can’t be easily reasoned with.

The prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for rational, critical thinking and responsible decisionmaking isn’t finished developing until age 25! So during the school years, adults play an important role in teaching, guiding and modeling for children. That’s how they learn.

Parenting research tells us there are five parenting styles. Two are overly controlling: the most extreme being harsh and punishing. The less extreme seems to

“work,” by using positive and negative reinforcers and consequences. Because they are exclusively external motivators, however, they eventually become counter-productive, plus these methods are easy to misuse to manipulate through guilt and bribes.

The other extreme parenting styles are also ineffective but by being too permissive. The most extreme style is to disengage from the child, allowing them to just “figure out” life. This can result in neglect, dependency, and children who might develop survival skills out of necessity, to adapt, but whose brains don’t develop completely because they were stuck in survival mode for too long.

The less extreme permissive parenting style is overindulging children, catering to them, rescuing them, and making sure they never experience hardship. Long-term research shows this style results in children who believe they are entitled, rules don’t apply to them, and their brains haven’t developed a sense of right and wrong because they’ve never been held accountable.

So guess what parenting style long-term research says is most effective? “Balanced” parenting. Although Parents Toolshop® first coined that term in 1992, two of the three most recent parenting style research studies have adopted the term, too. With a Balanced parenting style, parents are engaged and nurturing, which helps the primitive brain develop. Children feel attached and trusting, so they don’t have to have brains in survival mode…they can be calm, peaceful, and joyful…which is our natural state of balance.

As toddlers, Balanced parents teach children how to self-regulate their emotions by tuning in, teaching them feeling language, and how to work through their intense emotions, which develops their emotional intelligence.

As children’s logical brains start to develop, Balance parents teach their children skills appropriate to their age: physical tasks (like making a sandwich), behavior (like manners), and values (like appreciating diversity). They also build their self-esteem without building big egos or creating people pleasers. They give the children choices within limits, so they develop autonomy and learn to respect boundaries. As teens and young adults, Balanced parents use active listening and respectful communication to support their child’s developing brain as it learns to make decisions and formulate identity and values.

Even as adults, this Balanced style is considered to be the most effective way to form and build relationships with other adults, based on mutual respect and effective communication.

The great news is that even if you didn’t get what you needed as a child, the miracle of neuroplasticity allows our brain and body to heal from trauma or neglect, or to repattern old habitual thoughts and behavior into healthier habits. This allows us to heal and regenerate physically, mentally, and emotionally.

This means we can completely renew who we are. Instead of being a byproduct of our upbringing and subconscious programming, we can consciously evolve to become the person we want to be.

So as you seek balance and harmony wherever you feel imbalance, just call in your inherent ability to self-heal and watch yourself start to blossom just as nature blossoms in the Spring.

About the Author: Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE, is the author of The Parent’s Toolshop® and The Conscious Parents Toolshop® online courses. Jody offers a free parenting webinar each month at www.ParentsToolTalk.com and a free Conscious Parents Toolshop® course at www. ConsciousParentsToolshop.com/. Jody also has basic, intermedia and advanced parenting classes as well as personalized group and private parent coaching. Jody is also a trauma-informed trainer for foster-adoptive parents in Ohio and other states, training over 50,000 parents and family professionals worldwide. You can find her resources and programs at her award-winning website, www.ParentsToolshop.com.

Free virtual parenting courses available at ParentsToolshop.com, including a free monthly webinar at www.ParentsToolTalk.com and/or free Conscious Parents Toolshop® video course at www. ConsciousParentsToolshop.com/.