Oct. 30 Cover Story

is the season for horror flicks, haunted hayrides and creepy costumes. What’s scarier than Halloween when it’s done right? How about being “catfished” on a dating site. Or being hit on by one of your parent's friends on the same site. Yeah, sometimes reality is scarier than fiction, especially on the web. So in honor of Halloween, we are taking a look into the sometimes scary of world of online dating.

October 30, 2014

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Killer Profiles hen we decided to do a feature story on dating, we knew it would require some dispatches from the front lines. So we asked two of our freelance writers to try online dating for one month. Both are single and great catches—and that’s not just us being nice, they really are. But apparently that didn’t matter much. Everybody cared more about Ashley’s looks and messy bed than her master’s degree. And Ed learned the hard way that nice guys with corny jokes don’t always get the girl, in real life or the chat room.

They had pretty different experiences, but overall they both walked away with similar sketched out feelings.

And of course, Ed found comfort knowing that Ashley’s story backed up his claim that there are way too many guys on most sites. And in case you’re wondering, yes, they are both still single.

W

There’s a .com for that?

Online dating isn’t limited to Match.com and OkCupid. And as creepy as those sites can sometimes be, they are just the tip of the iceberg. Seriously, there’s a big, kind of scary, virtual dating world out there. All you have to do to find it is think of fetish or type, add “single and looking,” and hit Google. Here are some dating sites that made us say “WTF?”

Purrsonals.com

“Life is short. Have an affair.”

HE'S A FAVE WINK FOR FREE TALK & TEXT NOT ON CHAT smart, attractive, interesting and wonderful women out there. But for every one of them, there are four million of us guys. So it’s almost impossible to get a response or even a return “wink.” I’m sure it might be different in a bigger, slightly more

DiaperMates.com

“Are people not seeing your inner beauty? Welcome to the elite ugly dating site.”

“The internet's largest free personals community for Adult Babies and Diaper lovers.”

DarwinDating.com

“Everyone loves a clown…

Let a clown love you.”

EMAIL HIM

“Connect With Singles Who Share Your STD.”

UglySchmucks.com

“Sick of dating websites filled with ugly, unattractive, desperate fatsos? We are. Darwin Dating was created exclusively for beautiful, desirable people.”

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STDMatch.net

“Where cat lovers greet and meet!”

ClownDating.com

AshleyMadison.com

GlutenFreeSingles.com

DateVampires.com

“The premier Vampire dating service that helps blood sucking singles establish their brood.”

“Living a gluten-free life can be challenging, especially in a world where glutensoaked foods are just about everywhere.

At GlutenfreeSingles, you are not alone!”

MulletPassions.com

“100% Free Dating & Social Networking for Singles Sportin' a Mullet.”

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by Edwin Banacia

lashback: It’s in the middle of the afternoon and I’m skimming The New York Times online. It had been two years since I left New York City to return home to Florida, but I still read the Times as opposed to our local daily. Yet another habit I hadn’t given up. That’s when I saw it—her full page wedding announcement with a guy that wasn’t me. It was an awkward, odd, horrible feeling because I guess I always thought it would be me. We certainly tried. She was the most consistent inconsistent part of my 20s. But you know the story. You’re together and everything is fine until one day it isn’t.

Even when I left NYC, I just assumed she would show up at the door after a while. But it never happened. And on that day in May, four years ago, when I came across her wedding announcement in the

Times, I knew it never would happen again.

Even worse, because I know how tough it is to have your wedding announcement picked up by The New York Times, I knew she had picked a winner, which made me the clear loser. And I guess it took me a long time to get over that feeling. To use a tired cliché, over the next few years, I spent my time rather unwisely “sowing the wild oats.” It was like a never-ending episode of “Californication,” except unlike Hank Moody, I wasn’t living off my book and movie royalties and blonde pornstars weren’t throwing themselves at me… well except that one time.

So when my editor asked me to try online dating and write a column based on my experiences, I figured, “Maybe this will be good for me?”

It wasn’t.

Listen to me kids. And by kids, I mean 30-something’s out there trying to meet someone sane through an online dating site. If you’re not a woman, it is tough. Not that it is slim pickings. There are plenty of

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least around my circle of friends, it’s quite urban environment, but around here, normal. I find it kind of creepy. Is online dating is really just a remix there anyone left in Pensacola of real-world dating in a that doesn’t share musmall town. And that tual friends with me on presents its own set Facebook? of challenges.

We didn't make him, So I tried a Dating in but Ed also tried Snapchat: couple of sites. a small town Along the way I also decided to get a SnapI mean, if I’m basically chat. But like most things in my life, I was pretty doing this for a means, for us satirical about it. So I picked the username: notits_ real investigafellas, taking nosnap. I figured the satire would be humorous tion into online the bro code dating, I should and chuckand harmless. I hadn't anticipated that if someone have a few ing it out already had my cell number stored in their phone, different experithe window. my new Snapchat username would pop up to ences, right? So There are them as an alert. I was mortified when clients I did the free site. no loyalties started requesting notits_nosnap as their I did the paid site. around this neck friend. Now I'm probably known as And I did the scienof the woods. the perverted publicist. tific site that matches Back in New York, more compatible singles it was generally taboo based on a two hour SAT test. to copulate with someone I mention the two hour test because a friend is dating. But around unlike my SAT test, I failed this one. I’m not here, not only is it acceptable but often, at

Dressing The Part

kidding. I was rejected because apparently it’s matching system cannot predict quality matches for me. In other words, I’m an alien.

I did however meet a few people on the free site. But remember the “quality assurance” promise from the scientific site?

That didn’t really apply to the free site.

It’s a jungle out there. The paid site wasn’t much better.

The few women that actually did decide to let me take them on a date were all a bit jaded. I don’t blame them. Judging from the common denominator in all their stories, most all the men they meet on these sites only want a booty call.

Oh and there was this one time, I got hit on by a 70-year-old woman who was actually a friend of my dad’s. Awkward.

Will I continue to try this online dating thing? I guess so. I mean, I really don’t have a choice. Based on my personal itinerary this week, I would have had to meet the girl of my dreams at Seville Quarter or Wal-Mart.

BOOS

Some old-sheets-turned-ghosts plus matching signs (His/Hers, His/His or Hers/Hers) and you and your boo are good to go.

Douchebags, Gold Diggers, Booty Calls—yup, the dating world is ripe with lame cliches. And while nobody wants be or date any of these scary stereotypes, they do make for some fun and easy last minute costume ideas.

Don't worry, we didn't forget about real Halloween. Turn to page 18 for an event calendar.

Catfish

French Kiss

Pull out your favorite black and white striped shirt, add a beret and maybe a baguette from Joe Patti’s and do some quick face makeup work à la Gene Simmons. And if you want to really seal the deal, make out with a willing participant all night.

Yeah, yeah, cat ears are typically pretty lame Halloween costume fare. But dress up this idea a bit by adding a fish element (like tail or t-shirt stencil) and voilà. You get to have all the fun without having to go through all the work of maintaining a fake identity.

Booty Call

All you need is a classic old-school phone with a cord and some junk in the trunk—or let's say, some extra stuffing or padding— whatever makes that booty pop. To make it work for two, just string the phone cord through your partner's belt loop so you two are literally attached at the hip all night.

Gold Digger

Tinder

Douchebag

Go ahead and label yourself. A black plastic trash bag + stencils and paint = a winner.

October 30, 2014

Single and looking? Multi-task this Halloween with a DIY cut out arrow to "swipe left" or "swipe right" to prospective matches. If you're both feeling it, flip over to the "It's a Match" side.

Hit up the toy aisle, get yourself a plastic shovel and spray paint it gold. Then pair it with any other gold paraphernalia you've got—chain, coins, a sequined get-up, you get the picture—and get ready to do some digging. Bonus points if you add a plastic construction hat.

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5 EMAIL HER SHE'S A FAVE WINK FOR FREE TALK & TEXT NOT ON CHAT

by Ashley McLain

T

he motivation to try online dating was simple. If there were apps that would hail me a cab, get me my favorite delivery, and

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into a cold-hearted villainess. I am here to tell me exactly how fast my last mile was, admit it: I became a dating elitist jerk. Small there had to be an app to find a cute Friday things that I wouldn’t even notice in real life night date. OK, and, I was wildly curious to interactions became instant deal discover what this once-taboo breakers. Real Life Me would world of online dating was refeel guilty not responding ally like. Spoiler: It’s scary.

Here are a few lines to a text or email, but The first few hours of the weirdest messages not Virtual Dating after creating an Ashley received: Me. I didn’t feel online profile are the slightest the most exciting.

"Your bed is messy in the back of your ping of guilt not You start getting picture! Lol... Just Kidding.. :P but serious.. responding to messages the It is... ;)" repeated nice second you "Hi, may I fall in love with you today?" messages or launch your even just comaccount, and "What's it like in the south do ya say y'all a lot???" pletely ghosting even though "Happy holidays bbi!!! Looks like Santa has someone. Your the messages brought you some Joe! hahaha! I'm Joe! :D" face creeps aren’t all that "Would you teach me how to smile in me out, I don’t charming you’re pictures?" like that you wore still giddy because denim on denim one surely by the volume "What's your name? time, you think New Jerof messages coming in, Is it Trouble?" sey is the greatest state in it won’t be long before a the nation, you have a username great candidate pops up in your such as “WhereIsShe” or “PrinceSeekinbox. You don’t even really mind sorting sPrincess,” I’m done. Goodbye. through the repeated, “Sup baby” messages, This merciless approach to online dating and who doesn’t mind being told she’s pretty? may appear cruel, but hear me out. Things That is, you don’t really mind it at first. By day that sober men would never even think about three, you begin to lose faith. You consider saying to a woman in real life miraculously adopting five dogs and the spinster lifestyle at became not only appropriate to say, but the age of 27. At least that’s what I did. the best pickup line. Is it too much to get Online dating will make even the nicmy name right or just want to not be called, est, soft spoken, empathetic of ladies turn

“bebe,” “Ms. Independent,” or the worst of all, “Muffin”?

While the men trying to play matchmaker on their own behalf weren’t always on target, the sites’ algorithms mismatched so badly I would double-check my profile to make sure I hadn’t checked off the wrong boxes.

In the midst of a day when I was thinking online dating couldn’t possibly be as bad as I was making it out to be, I was sent what was deemed “an exceptionally good match”—a 40-year-old married father of two seeking an open relationship, but don’t worry, his wife was “really cool” about him exploring his options while she’s busy raising his family.

The thought that your best match out of a whole site of users from all over America isn’t even a single guy close to your age is absolutely terrifying, and I immediately wanted to delete my profile. So why didn’t I? Well, it would seem that online dating sites have some kind of weird romantic comedy-esq quality to them, because at the very moment you’re ready to give up you will receive a message from a guy that you (and even your picky friends) would deem an exceptionally good match. You’ll exchange witty messages, numbers and decide to meet. You’ll have a lovely first date, maybe you’ll have a second date, maybe you won’t, but just like that, that little online dating app suddenly has a purpose. After all, even the scariest of tales sometimes have a happy ending.

inweekly.net

Catching a Catfish

by Hana Frenette

Michael Bradley

O

nline dating—hell, dating in general—can be terrifying. Everyone is trying to be the best version of themselves and put on their best game face. Thanks to the Internet though, you can put someone else’s face on if you happen to feel like it.

With the help of the MTV show “Catfish” Michael Bradley, a Pensacola native, found out how easily it is to be deceived online.

Michael and a petite, red headed girl named Caroline* met on the site PlentyofFish.com. They talked all the time—on the computer, texting and on the phone.

Caroline and Michael both lived in Pensacola at the time, so meeting up was something that was often discussed, but it never actually happened.

“I started the whole online dating thing because a buddy from work had told me about it,” Bradley said. “I met someone,

and we started talking, but she just never wanted to meet up and the whole premise of the online dating thing is to get to know the person and meet up to see if you have a connection.

In the back of my mind I guess I always thought there might be something wrong.

“One time we were in the same Wal-Mart, and I texted her and we were going to meet up outside,” Bradley said.

He waited and watched for the girl he knew he’d recognize from pictures but never saw her. Caroline sent him a text saying she had been too anxious and hadn’t been ready to meet him right then, and then discontinued contact for a brief period of time.

Michael and Caroline started talking regularly again shortly after the missed meet up and she informed Michael that she was sick with cancer. That combined with the fatigue after chemo, had contributed to her anxiety about meeting him on the spot.

“We’d been talking for almost a year at this point, and she tells me she’s dying,” Bradley said. “I just got pulled into a whirlwind of lies.”

Despite the vagueness of the situation and the various letdowns, Michael and Caroline continued to talk regularly, right up until he decided to go on MTV’s “Catfish.”

“Catfish” has two types of characters: the hopefuls, like Michael, who are hoping to meet the real person they’ve been talking to with the help of MTV; and the people who are on the other side who are doing the catfishing.

Eminem “Kim”

Come On Scary Love…

The Deadlines “Vampires in Love”

For your listen pleasure, here’s a playlist of songs we love to be creeped out by.

Death Cab for Cutie "I Will Possess Your Heart” Dead Man's Bones “My Body's A Zombie For You”

October 30, 2014

The Misfits “Die, Die, My Darling” The Smiths "Girlfriend In A Coma" The White Stripes “Little Ghost”

Lionel Richie "Hello"

Beyoncé “Ring The Alarm”

The Police "Every Breath You Take”

Friday Oct. 31

Breast/Prostate Cancer Awareness + Halloween Night

& Saturday Nov. 1 Military Appreciation Night

n erme v i R . s vs Drop Puck 5 pm @ 7:0

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The real Caroline saw Michael on Plen“I had mixed emotions about the whole tyofFish.com after trying to communicate thing. I kind of wanted to meet the person I’d with him via Facebook and not having much been talking to, but at the same time I was luck, she created a fake profile and reached scared,” Bradley said. “I knew it wouldn’t be out to him again in hopes of catching his atwho I thought it was.” tention—as a totally different person.

MTV stepped in and de“You kind of just stop and termined that the girl in the realize how creepy people can pictures was actually a real “We’d been be,” Bradley said. girl living in North Carotalking for almost a Although the show lina who had no idea year at this point, and brought on a lot of mixed who Michael was or that she tells me she’s dying. I emotions and initial disapher pictures were being just got pulled into a pointment, it eventually led used to falsely portray whirlwind of lies.”

Michael to meet the girl he another person. is dating now. She reached The show arranged Michael Bradley out to him on Facebook—a for Michael and the real brave move considering his recent Caroline to meet at Bayview circumstances—and told him she had Park for the first time. seen him on “Catfish” and that she really “I really didn’t have any idea about who it liked his art they featured on the show. would be, because I’d had this other image in “We handled it a lot differently than I my head for so long,” Bradley said. had before. We talked and Skyped right off When the real Caroline showed up, the bat, and then I went to visit her in Boston Michael was surprised to realize he already a few months after,” Bradley said. “After talkknew her. ing and visiting a few times, I moved here to “She had sent me a random message on Boston to live with her.”

Facebook a long time ago saying she liked my As Bradley’s story perfectly illustrates, art and asking me to draw or paint something online dating can be risky, scary and ocfor her. But I told her I don’t really do that casionally great. You just have to keep it real sort of thing,” Bradley said. “The girl I met in (and make sure the people you’re talking to real life was physically a lot different, worked are doing the same). at a bank instead of as a teacher like she had *Caroline was the name used to “catfish” originally told me, and had absolutely no Michael, not her real name health problems or cancer.”

t

in

flicks about love gone wrong that might make you scream too.

Gone Girl Dead wife, bad husband. He must be guilty… right?

Fatal Attraction Scaring shading dudes out of affairs since ’87.

Well, at least some shady dudes.

Horrifying Love Stories We know, we know—you can’t change the channel the last week of October without seeing a scary movie. But after you’ve gotten your fix of Freddy and Jason and “Freddy vs. Jason,” here are some

Fear You know the one where Marky Mark and Elle Woods get freaky on a roller coaster and then he tries to kill her?

Obsessed Ali Later tries to steal Beyoncé’s man? Yeah, you know that doesn’t end well.

Sleeping With the Enemy You remember this one— Julia Roberts fakes her death to get away from her crazy ass husband.

Swimfan And you might not remember this one—it’s one of those campy thrillers that’s so bad it’s almost good.

Guaranteed to freak you out and make you wonder what ever happened to Jesse Bradford and Erika Christensen.

Ghost Sure, it’s mostly a sweet story. But also kind of creepy when you stop to think that’s really Whoopi Goldberg who Demi is rubbing on.

Let the Right One In The only vampire love story we actually like.

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October 30, 2014

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