Insights Magazine: Number Two, 2018

NUMBER TWO, 2018

THE GARDEN IN FULL BLOOM: MARRIAGE AS GOD INTENDED charles r. swindoll

POISON IN THE GARDEN an interview with daniel lebsack

COMING TO TERMS: LOVE steve johnson + more

In this issue 3

The Garden in Full Bloom: Marriage as God Intended

charles r. swindoll

6

Poison in the Garden: Pornography’s Toxic Impact on Marriage and How to Find Healing

An interview with daniel lebsack

9

Do You Hear the Who?

11

Intentional Influence

Coming to Terms

Steve johnson Robyn roste

12 Love

steve johnson

Beyond the Broadcast

15 Discovering Your Child — And Yourself Insights is published by Insight for Living Canada, the Bibleteaching ministry of Charles (Chuck) R. Swindoll. Chuck is the senior pastor-teacher of Stonebriar Community Church in Texas. His international radio program Insight for Living has aired for more than 35 years. We hope this publication will instruct, inspire, and encourage you in your walk with Christ.

Copyright © 2018 Insight for Living Canada. All rights reserved.

No portion of this monthly publication may be reproduced in any form without prior written permission from the publisher.

Unless otherwise noted, all Scripture passages are taken from the NLT. Unless otherwise noted, photography and illustration

by Tori Nikkel. IFLC is an autonomous ministry and certified member of the Canadian Council of Christian Charities. Printed in Canada.

Cover and artilce Image: Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

THE GARDEN IN FULL BLOOM: MARRIAGE AS GOD INTENDED by charles r. swindoll

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even days after our first date, I was convinced Cynthia was “the girl of my dreams,” so I asked her to marry me.

Though only 16 and still in the 11th grade, Cynthia said yes. A little over 18 months later, on June 18, 1955, we said “I do.” At just 18 and barely 20, we began our journey together that is now in its sixth decade.

Looking back, Cynthia and I often sigh and sometimes smile. Contrary to popular opinion, we’ve not been sheltered from life’s harsh winds. To make matters even more challenging, neither of us has been all that easy to live with. Our marriage garden has spanned the extremes—from surviving to thriving. But we’ve made it for two reasons: God’s unfaltering grace and our uncompromising commitment.

Keeping a marriage together is hard work.

Making it thrive is even harder. Thankfully, God has filled His Word with principles that breathe life into our unions. Cynthia and I have taken the time to find those principles, and we’ve applied them as often as possible.

Let’s look at a few in Genesis 2:24–25: This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Now the man and his wife were both naked, but they felt no shame.

Those two short verses contain four essential principles that hold a marriage together. Every healthy marriage I’ve observed has all four, and every struggling couple I’ve worked with has had at least one missing or distorted. For simplicity’s sake, I’ve boiled each principle down to one word.

Severance. This principle comes from the phrase, “a man leaves his father and mother” (2:24). Severance means man and woman switch their primary allegiance from their parents to each other. That doesn’t mean the couple can’t or shouldn’t accept help from

their parents. And it certainly doesn’t mean parents are to be ignored or disrespected!

Severance means that the new husband and wife no longer look to Mom and Dad to have their needs met. They look to one another. They put each other first. Unless both deliberately “leave” their old families, their marriage can’t succeed.

Permanence. The Hebrew word for joined in verse 24 makes me think of woodworking glue. Such glue fuses two pieces of wood together so permanently that, when stressed, the wood splinters and snaps before breaking the bond. Ruth used the same word when pledging her devotion to Naomi.

Joined describes absolute devotion and loyalty, uncompromising affection and love. I’m not talking about co-dependency.

I’m talking about two, healthy, emotionally strong people who choose to stick together no matter what. Jesus took it a step further than Moses: “Let no one split apart what God has joined together” (Mark 10:9).

What if you’re beyond your first marriage?

You might be thinking, Chuck, I’ve already gone through one marriage (maybe several), and it didn’t work out. These words are too late for me! To you, I say, “Stop. Wait. We’re talking about now and where you go from here. Not the past. Apply this to the marriage you have now. Determine that this marriage is permanent. God has joined you; let no one and let nothing separate you.”

Unity. The word Moses used in verse 24 for “one” indicates a complex unity. Not a melting of two personalities to form one, but two individuals living and working in concert with common values and shared goals— partners. Unity is diversity brought into harmony. When this verse is misapplied, one spouse controls the other. The controlling one doesn’t give the other room to be himself or herself.

This is something that almost ruined Now, let me warn you that Satan is well our marriage! I spent the first 10 years with aware of the necessity of these biblical Cynthia expecting her to be the female principles. He will do everything to strip Chuck. Finally, she called me on it, and we your marriage of them. Inside this magazine, spent the next four years doing some of the we discuss one deadly poison that is killing hardest work we have countless Christian ever done. The result? Keeping a marriage together marriages today, porI discovered a woman is hard work. Making it thrive nography. We’re tackwithin Cynthia whom ling this issue because is even harder.

I had never known, one we believe there is who inspired respect in me and moved me to healing and hope. Please read thoughtfully, find new ways to affirm and honour her. Oh, and if necessary, reach out for help. Take what I had been missing! Once I learned to do measures to safeguard you and your family that, we could truly be partners. and take time to look carefully for other Intimacy. When the marriage garden is ways the Enemy may be dividing you and in full bloom, husband and wife enjoy an your forever valentine. exclusive, privileged knowledge of each God is the master gardener who intends all other. Ultimately, intimacy is the grand marriages to thrive. But we must be willing to prize—the reward—for all the effort we dig out the weeds. Do the work. Cynthia and invest in marriage. The man and woman in I want for you what God has given us by His Genesis were naked and were not ashamed. grace through our commitment—a thriving Neither thought of covering anything marriage garden. because they had no self-consciousness, no shame, no fear of ridicule, no hang-ups, no embarrassment, no emotional hurts from former abuse or poor choices.

Think of it! Each was entirely focused on Charles R. Swindoll serves as the senior pastor-teacher the delight and pleasure of the other. They of Stonebriar Community Church in Frisco, Texas. enjoyed a free-flowing intimacy uninhibited by self-interest. The sexual union must Taken from Marriage: From Surviving to Thriving

by Charles Swindoll Copyright © 2006 by Charles have been more pleasant and fulfilling than R. Swindoll. Used by permission of Thomas Nelson. anything we can imagine. www.thomasnelson.com

Practical Advice on Making a Marriage Stick SINGLE CD MESSAGE

For ordering information visit insightforliving.ca or view enclosed flyer.

POISON IN THE GARDEN: PORNOGRAPHY’S TOXIC IMPACT ON MARRIAGE AND HOW TO FIND HEALING Photo by Andrew Neel on Unsplash

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tep into any grocery store on February 14 and you’ll see them—spouses on a last-minute mission for romance. Cynics may roll their eyes at roses and balloons, but there’s nothing wrong with a lovebird holiday. We encourage it at Insight for Living Ministries!

But are thoughtful gifts enough when you’re struggling to survive a plague? For countless marriages infected with pornography, the answer is no.

Plague isn’t hyperbole. The sex industry earns more than the NFL, NBA, and MLB combined.¹ Its revenue exceeds the totals of Microsoft, Amazon, Apple, Netflix, Google, eBay, Yahoo!, and EarthLink.² For as much as pornography profits a few, it costs billions more. Neuroscience

shows it’s an addiction, a relationship poison. Fifty-six percent of divorcees name pornography as a toxin that dissolved their covenants.³ As technology advances, this black hole will swallow even more, distorting our views on intimacy and morality.

Already, our youth see not recycling as more immoral than watching pornography! ⁴ Between YouTube, sexting, and social media, Satan has more traps to set than ever before…and they’re ensnaring Christians at nearly the same rate as unbelievers. Fiftyseven per cent of pastors and 64 per cent of youth pastors admit they’ve wrestled with this temptation and lost.⁵ If pornography has a death grip on your marriage, we want to help you give your valentine the gift you both need: change.

We recently interviewed Daniel Lebsack, the associate pastor of Recovery Ministries at Stonebriar Community Church. Dan holds a degree in biblical counselling from Dallas Theological Seminary and is an associate member of the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists. Read our conversation below, then visit the “Purity” page on our website (insightforliving.ca/ purity) to get help and hope for saving your marriage and healing your spirit.

IFLM: What drives an addiction to pornography?

Dan: Any addiction is a symptom of an underlying issue—insecurity, fear, pride.

It’s an attempt to distract oneself from pain. Satan wants us to avoid pain, but God calls us to step into it with the hope of healing and the promise that He’ll be with us. God created us as sexual beings! But His purpose for sex is procreation and pleasure between spouses. Pornography ensnares because it releases dopamine in the brain.

It’s a feel-good neurotransmitter. As with drugs, you develop a tolerance. Use follows a pattern of getting darker and darker to get that pain-numbing “high.”

Addicts of any level are experts at rationalizing, justifying, and minimizing. “It’s not really a big deal,” they reason. Yet guilt usually consumes individuals who view pornography, and the shame of any sexual sin causes people to keep it a secret, which only perpetuates the problem.

IFLM: What impact does pornography have on a marriage?

Dan: A dramatic one! You’re essentially inviting a third party into the marriage bed…along with jealousy, shame, and guilt.

ANY time we bring something that is not of God into what God has given, decay will follow. Eventually, the excitement of your

spouse won’t be enough, and you’ll need an external stimulus to “get in the mood.”

Worse, you’ll stop cherishing one another.

When that happens, you’ve lost the good gift God intended.

IFLM: Is there a difference between husbands’ and wives’ involvement?

Dan: Yes. Husbands usually start watching for the physical response, while wives do it out of a need to feel “adequate.” They want to be all they think a man wants, so they watch pornography to “learn how.” They, too, fall into the trap of a dopamine high.

IFLM: Can a marriage recover from a pornography addiction?

Dan: YES!! I know many who have recovered by allowing Jesus into the recesses of their hearts and working to root out sin!

When done right, a couple will have more intimacy on every level. In sanctifying them, God draws them closer to Himself, which draws them closer to each other.

It’s a long, painful road but one that yields tangible fruit when confession, repentance, and forgiveness happen.

IFLM: What first step do you advise to someone who wants to beat pornography…or who has discovered a spouse’s addiction?

Dan: Don’t try and fix this alone! There are many good church and parachurch ministries, often led by people who know this pain personally. Even if your spouse denies the severity of the problem, talk to someone! Don’t let the Enemy shame you into not telling. It’s 80 per cent of what I see, so the lie that “no one understands” simply isn’t true.

Celebrate Recovery® and New Life Ministries are biblical venues to address this from an offender or offended perspective.

Every Man’s Battle and Every Woman’s Battle are excellent books.

IFLM: What steps do you recommend EVERY family take to safeguard themselves?

Dan: Complete digital transparency.

Never have passwords your spouse doesn’t know. Spouses should be free to check phones or computers anytime. If you wouldn’t want your spouse to see a text, don’t send it. Same goes for websites visited and social media contacts. Never delete browser history before letting your spouse know. Same rules for children!

When there’s a history of pornography, I recommend Covenant Eyes, which calls for an accountability partner who has access to all websites visited. You need a same-sex friend to walk with you through this journey.

If you’ve been hiding your or your spouse’s addiction, it’s time to drain that secret of its power. Take the first step! If others reject you, Jesus won’t. He resisted every temptation so you might go boldly before God and find mercy and grace when you need it most (Hebrews 4:14–16). You have the Holy Spirit’s power to defeat sin’s vice grip. He will embolden you to get help.

As you do, remember we’re here for you, ready to connect you to resources, listen, and give you and your valentine hope through understanding and applying God’s Word.

As Stonebriar’s associate pastor of Recovery Ministries, Daniel Lebsack is dedicated to walking alongside individuals

and couples who struggle with the realities of living in a broken world, specifically addiction within marriage. Dan and Suzanne have been married for 17 years and have 14-year-old twins. He holds a degree in biblical counselling from Dallas Theological Seminary and is an associate member of the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists.

1. ABC News, “Porn Profits: America’s Corporate Secret,” ABCNews.com, http://abcnews.go.com/ Primetime/story?id=132001 (accessed December 15, 2017).

2. Quayle, Ethel and Kurt M. Ribils, eds., Understanding and Preventing Online Sexual Exploitation of Children (New York, NY, 2012), 87, https://books. google.com/books?id=juLGBQAAQBAJ&printsec=fro ntcover&dq=understanding+and+preventing+online +sexual+exploitation+of+children&hl=en&sa=X&ved =0ahUKEwi8lvqR9JHYAhVEMSYKHbx0B5gQ6AEIJTAA #v=onepage&q=understanding%20and%20preventing%20online%20sexual%20exploitation%20of%20 children&f=false (accessed December 15, 2017).

3. The American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, “Is the Internet Bad for Your Marriage? Online Affairs, Pornographic Sites Playing Greater Role in Divorces,” PR Newswire Association LLC, https:// www.thefreelibrary.com/Is+the+Internet+Bad+for+Yo ur+Marriage%3f+Online+Affairs%2c+Pornographic…-a094221879 (accessed December 15, 2017).

4. Kinnaman, David, “The Porn Phenomenon,” Barna. com, https://www.barna.com/the-porn-phenomenon/ (accessed December 15, 2017).

5. Kinnaman.

by Steve Johnson

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ne of the most underestimated theologians of recent times is the late Theodor Geisel, whom you may know better as Dr. Seuss. He wrote one of the best treatises on human dignity called Horton Hears a Who! At first glance it appears to be a simple, entertaining children’s story. It’s about a lovable, affable elephant named Horton.

One day Horton hears a noise coming from a floating speck. He reaches out with care and places it on a clover and discovers a village called Whoville inhabited by tiny persons on the speck. Horton tries to save the people of Whoville by finding a safe place for the speck.

Deeply rooted in this story is the idea

that people are significant no matter who they may be. Horton repeats this sentiment throughout by saying, “A person's a person, no matter how small." No matter how insignificant or invisible someone might seem all people are worth saving.

Relating this to our world, I believe there are a lot of Whos—“invisible” people—in our midst. They don’t form lobby groups, they often have special needs, they aren’t in our face about their disabilities, and to the world they don’t matter.

Yet Jesus showed special attention and compassion for the Whos. In Mark 10:13-15 He became angry and rebuked His disciples for their disdainful attitude

toward children, commanding they be allowed to come to Him. Jesus identified with society’s insignificant people by having His birth announced to shepherds and during His ministry He referred to Himself as a Shepherd. This is at a time when shepherds were considered low-lifes.

He saw the outcasts, sick, and marginalized—those invisible to the righteous and mainstream of the day—and touched them physically and spiritually. Jesus declared, “…I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!” (Matthew 25:40).

You see, these invisible, insignificant people depend on others—others like Horton—who will see, love, and touch their lives. So what is our attitude towards the marginalized? Better yet, what is our action toward them?

Micah 6:8 says, “No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good, and this is what he requires of you: to do what is right, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Do what is right. Horton wasn’t about to go down without a fight. He worked frantically on behalf of these small people.

He kept encouraging the jungle animals to stop and to listen. None of them heard, and yet Horton pleaded. He became the Who’s advocate, a spokesperson for those whose voice wasn’t being heard. He was their champion. Are there people in your life, church, or neighbourhood who need you to speak for them? Are you a champion for their cause?

Love mercy. There is another aspect to this story that must not be overlooked— the story of the people of Whoville. They are living their lives unaware of anything beyond their world. And yet their world is in danger of imminent destruction. Without the merciful intervention of someone

who could save them they would perish.

The Whos in our lives need to hear of Jesus’ mercy too. Granted, some will reject the offer of salvation. But they deserve a chance to hear it. Are we sharing it?

Walk humbly with your God. First Corinthians 4:7 (NIV) says, “For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive?” And 1 Corinthians 1:26-28 says, “Remember, dear brothers and sisters, that few of you were wise in the world’s eyes or powerful or wealthy when God called you. Instead, God chose things the world considers foolish in order to shame those who think they are wise. And he chose things that are powerless to shame those who are powerful. God chose things despised by the world, things counted as nothing at all, and used them to bring to nothing what the world considers important.”

Being marginalized does not make anyone better or worse than anyone else—just different. In His sovereignty and providence, and for reasons unknown to us, God determines differences. Accepting that fact with humility will enable us to see others and ourselves as God sees us.

Until then we will never see or hear the Whos around us.

Are you a Horton?

Steve Johnson is the executive director at Insight for Living Canada.

by robyn roste

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have an expressive face, but apart from (Deuteronomy 1:12-15). The book of Nehethat I tend not to show a lot of outward miah highlights leading by example—solvemotion. Don’t get me wrong, I think ing problems by taking action. And the and feel as much as the next person but Apostle Paul made sure to appoint SpiritI’m slow to let others in on what my true filled leaders to oversee the churches he planted (Acts 14:23). thoughts and feelings are.

Thinking about my own life, I wonder if But regardless of my actual feelings, people tend to take me as aloof, rude, I’d be more effective if I was more intentional about what disinterested, snobby, my influence will be. distracted, or uncaring.

Thinking about my own My reserved nature life, I wonder if I’d be more Would my relationships bring glory to is rooted in an introeffective if I was more God? Would I empower verted personality and intentional about what my others to choose right I never used to think over wrong? I hope so. much about it. influence will be.

This doesn’t mean I While I don't understand my non-verbal cues I am aware of need to deliver every sentence with a smile, how others see me. I recognize how I can but I should be conscious of what my body unintentionally influence people for the language communicates to others.

If my goal is to encourage people to look worse. And that is something to think about.

The dictionary describes influence as to Christ for their hope but I come off as the effect a person or thing has on another. aloof or uncaring (intentional or not), Everyone affects others—for better or for what impact will I make?

Here are a few ideas for positively influworse. No one can avoid it.

Whether it’s in business, politics, or encing others everyday life, the people we celebrate most • Develop a grateful attitude are the ones who are imparting positive • Remember, happiness is contagious influence over our behaviour and ethics. • Smile more We often choose leaders and friends • Be polite (say please and thank you) based on the good we believe they will • Shy away from gossip bring to our lives.

But this is nothing new. When Moses Robyn Roste is the media and marketing manager needed help ruling Israel, he chose capable at Insight for Living Canada. men (Exodus 18:25) who had wisdom, understanding, and a good reputation

LOVE

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What does Love tell us of God What does it mean to Love unselfishly How is Love related to the Gospel

By Steve Johnson

Discovering Your C

Photo by Chelsea Bock on Unsplash

Terms in the Bible are specialized words of particular significance. In Coming to Terms we explore the significance of these terms to deepen our understanding of biblical truth through a question and answer and fill in the blank format.

(Fill in the blanks where applicable to gain a deeper understanding of the term. I’ve used the New Living Translation for the Scripture passages.)

Unpacking the term

John 15:10 Jesus demonstrated His love Love is not just a word. It’s a term to the Father through His submission and loaded with significance especially as it ____________. relates to God’s love. It is multi-faceted God who is love created all things and and manifested in all kinds of human and providentially cares for all He has made. In human-divine relationships. Love is a core Matthew 5:45 and 6:26 it says He gives his attribute from which with other attributes sunlight and rain to both the ______ and such as grace, mercy, and kindness flow. It the good and even provides for ________. is a term that must be held in balance and This God of love created man in his understood in the context where it is used. image and likeness and with the capacity What does it mean when John tells us to love unashamedly (Genesis 2:25). But in 1 John 4:8, “God is ________”? It means sin entered the scene and immediately He is the essence of love. He demon- distorted human-to-human relationships strates love in everything He does. He (Genesis 3:7, 12) and human-to-divine defines what love is. The theme of the relationships (Genesis 3:10, 12, 23) with fear, entire Bible is the self-revelation of God’s accusation, shame, and separation.

What does God do to re-establish a relalove. First Corinthians 13:4-8 tells us what tionship with man and personally bridge love and God are like.

In the Bible we see God’s love mani- the gap? John 3:16 and Ephesians 2:1-5 tell us it’s because of His saving love for the fested to different recipients.

We read in John 3:35 and 14:31 of the ________ God sends His Son to rescue rebellove of the Father for the ________ and the lious sinners and provide them with eternal ________ for the Father. The Father takes life. In this He defines and displays real love pleasure in the Son (Matthew 17:2-5) even “This is real love—not that we loved God, before the world began (John 17:24). In but that he loved us and sent his Son as a

sacrifice to take away our sins” (1 John 4:10). interests on par with our own.

Why are we to, “Do to others whatever Because of our sinful condition our hearts are impure and our ability to love you would like them to do to you” (Matthew is twisted. And because our hearts direct 7:12) and even love our enemies? Because, the choices and decisions to love we can- “Then your reward from heaven will be not love either God or others unselfishly. very great, and you will truly be acting as This is a condition that God has to correct children of the Most High, for he is kind to before we can truly love. So in this we see those who are unthankful and wicked. You His selecting love for His people (Deuter- must be compassionate, just as your Father onomy 7:7-8; Ephesians 1:4-5; 2 Thessalo- is compassionate” (Luke 6:30-31, 35-36).

Finally, we also see in Scripture God’s nians 2:13). Ezekiel 11:19 says He chooses love toward His people manifest in a proto give some a new ______.

What else is required to be able to love visional and conditional way—conditioned unselfishly? According to John 3:3 and on obedience (John 15:9-10; 1 Corinthians 1 John 4:7-8 because we are born with a 15:1-2). As believers, Jude 21 tells us God sinful nature we must be ______ again by loves us with the love of a father for his God’s Spirit. His Spirit pours His love into children and tells us to ________ in his love our hearts awakening a genuine response by obeying Him. of love for God and others.

By abiding in Him we become channels God’s active love for us is our pattern for of His love to others (John 15:1-11). God’s loving others (1 John 3:16-18). Jesus com- love abides on us and He is pleased with manded us to love one another as He loves us when we love as He does. Hebrews us (John 15:12). In Matthew 22:37-39 it says 12:6 tells us because He loves us He also the greatest human duty we have is to love ____________ us so we will be loving obediGod with the totality of our being and our ent children of the living God. ____________ as ourselves.

What can you do to love God and others Who is our neighbour? Luke 10:29-37 as you ought? says anyone who is in need is our neighbour and Luke 6:27-36 says even our __________ is our neighbour. We are to treat others Steve Johnson is the executive director at Insight for with respect and concern and put their Living Canada.

Insight for Living Canada began over 30 years ago when a Bible-study group in Vancouver decided to look into bringing Chuck Swindoll’s messages into Canada.

For more visit insightforliving.ca/our-history

Discovering Your Child—And Yourself

“Wise is the parent who understands, ‘I need to spend time with my child. I need to observe. I need to dialogue so that my child grows up knowing his or her unique, God-given design.’”

- CHARLES R. SWINDOLL You’re embarking on the most fascinating journey of life—the journey of discovering your child. Your child may be yours by birth, adoption, or marriage; he or she may be your grandchild or nephew or niece who lives with you. This amazing, one-of-a-kind boy or girl whom God has placed in your life to nurture and guide is your child.

Oh, the wonders of your child! Her heart is so tender and pure. His mind hums like a power plant with imagination and curiosity.

Her personality sparkles with laughter and joy like a multifaceted diamond. Your task is to explore the hidden universe that lies within your child. Unlock the secrets. And then release your child to be the mature, confident adult that God intended him or her to be.

Along the way of discovering your child, a surprising second discovery will unfold.

You’ll discover yourself! Chuck Swindoll realized this parenting benefit, “It wasn’t until we began to have children that I fully began to understand how I am put together.” As you reveal to your child the wonders of who he or she is, God will do the same for you. As you parent, God will parent you, encouraging you

to blossom right alongside your child. You can—and will, with God’s help—grow with your child!

Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6 KJV) “…The way he should go.” The Hebrew phrase can be translated literally, “upon the mouth of his way,” which is an idiom meaning, “in accord with his way.”

Most English versions emphasize the word should, implying a prescribed and proper direction in which to lead the child. But the Hebrew idiom emphasizes his way and in accord with, pointing to characteristics that emerge from within the child, namely, his or her personality, abilities, or natural interests.

So which interpretation is correct? Should we train a child in the way he or she should go? Or according to his or her way?

The way of the child refers to his or her characteristics, manner, or “bent.” The ways that eagles soar, snakes slither, ships sail, and even the way that a boy romances his sweetheart are all one-of-a-kind wonders. And so is your child!

“Discovering Your Child—And Yourself” is from Chuck Swindoll’s series Biblical Parenting. You can stream this message online anytime at insightforliving.ca/audiolibrary.

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