Stereolab Sherwin tija editorS dArkon band of horSeS free
The new Toyota RAV4. It’s whatever you want it to be.
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This MoNTh in Ion 14 15 16 46 47 48
Editor’s Letter Don’t you hate it when you go for ice cream and a tank pulls up beside you and blows up a building? ION the Prize Of the Month Movies about WASPs, video game adaptations of The Godfather, The Constantines and cats that you wear as a scarf. Tales of Ordinary Madness New name. Same great Sam taste. 20% more selfindulgence. Horoscopes Ion’s in-house astrologer, Ernold Sane, reads the stars and all the childproof containers in your medicine cabinet. The Perry Bible Fellowship
ART 18 Hugh Phukovsky One comic dons a fat suit for the greater good. 20 Sherwin Tija From drag shows to faux haikus, Sherwin Tija’s an all-over-the place sort of artist.
FASHION 24 Pretty Baby Fashion editorial shot by Barry Gnyp.
FILM 30 Darkon “Oh yeah, aight. Aight, I put on my robe and wizard hat. I cast Lvl. 3 Eroticism. You turn into a real beautiful woman.”
MUSIC 32 36 38 40 42 44
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Vancougar No idea how these ladies came up with their name. Stereolab Stereolab’s Tim Gane is an unstoppable quality music making machine. 25 years later and his joints aren’t even close to rusting. Band of Horses Horse bands are the new wolf band. Editors Another UK band with a lot of hype. But this one has talent, we promise. Poster Art Whitey Houston Reviews
Volume 4 Number 4 Issue 29 Publisher
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca
Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Kelly Hassen kelly@ionmagazine.ca Claudio Rubbo claudio@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editors Marisa Woo, Maha Al Farra Art Department Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca John Morrison john@ionmagazine.ca Website Andrew Bobic Intern Elim Kwok Contributing Writers: Emily Khong, Ernold Sane, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Justin Sheppard, Luke Meat, Marielle Kho, Paul Borchert, Sam Kerr Contributing Photographers: Barry Gnyp, Jason Lang, Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk, Mark Maryonovich, Tobey Marie Bannister ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. The opinions expressed by writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of ION Magazine. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006
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3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office 604.6969.ION Fax: 604.6969.411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Photo: Barry Gnyp Model: Mackenzie (Richard’s Model Management) Produced and Styled by Amy Lu
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EDITOR’S LETTER
Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
Ice cream season is rapidly approaching so here’s an amazing story about ice cream. Odai Sirri is a writer for Reuters stationed in Doha, Qatar. If you’re not aware, Reuters is a wire service with thousands of writers around the world that sells news to other publications. The logic behind them is they allow newspapers and other media to report on international events without having to fly their own writers out to cover the stories. So you get the story faster written by people who live in the region and it’s substantially cheaper. If you ever see an article credited to Reuters in your paper and it’s on something that happened in Qatar, there’s a good chance Odai wrote this. He spent most of his life in BC but is an Iraqi citizen and recently took a trip to Baghdad. I had a chance to talk with him while he was in town for a visit. And yes, I’m fully aware that calling this an editor’s letter is a misnomer as it’s actually an interview. But please, let it slide this one time. Okay, you were in Baghdad? I was with my cousin and he wanted to take me out to Baghdad’s nightlife district. It’s called Number 14 Ramadan Street and this is the place to go in Baghdad. Wait, what sort of stuff are people doing on this street? In a normal setting and a normal time it’s full of cafés, restaurants, nightclubs, bars and everything. So you’re allowed to go out boozing in Baghdad?
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In pre-war days it was a secular country so there was a nightlife scene and everything. As long as you didn’t do anything illegal you were fine, just like here. But now things have kind of changed. Baghdad was under curfew for a long time. Or if it wasn’t under curfew you’d impose it on yourself because you’d be mad to go out after 8 pm. There’s no law and order. There’s no electricity. Three years later and there’s still no electricity and water. But we were there and we wanted to get our mind off things so we went to a café and had some pizza at an Italian restaurant. It was a nice place where you could eat outside but we ate inside because there were Iraqi police on the patio. I mean, they’re just targets. Dead man sitting. So fuck that. If someone’s going to start shooting they’re going to start shooting at them. That’s the logic. So stay away from high probability targets? Yes. And always sit with your back to the wall so you can see what’s coming. I believe in How to Get Ahead in Business books they call that “the power seat.” In Baghdad it’s called the “duck seat” so you can see if people who are going to shoot at you are driving in and can duck under the table. So we stayed there for a few hours eating. It’s quite a nice lively place. It was about 1 am and we went for a walk down the street and stopped at this kiosk that was serving ice cream. Just by chance I happen to have the same name as Saddam Hussein’s kid and my cousin asks “Hey Odai, what kind of ice cream do
you want?” Well the kid at the Kiosk’s jaw dropped and he said, “Odai, what happened to you? You’re white now?” And my cousin goes,“Leave him alone, he’s been living in Canada his whole life. What do you expect?” What flavors of ice cream can you get in Baghdad? Vanilla, chocolate and strawberry. They didn’t have Neapolitan back then but maybe they do now. So we were just having ice cream, I think I was having vanilla, and all of a sudden this tank pulls up, it turns and it starts shooting at this building, out of nowhere. Then the people in the building started shooting down and you just see the flashes. They were just blasting the fuck out of this building. How far away were you guys? About 200 meters. I hate this line, but it really was like watching a movie. There we were, in the entertainment district of Baghdad, licking our ice cream, bobbing our heads and watching this. Then it stopped. Then there was silence. Then the tank just took off. Did you finish your ice cream? We finished our ice cream. Final question, was it a good ice cream? I have to admit it was pretty good by Baghdad standards. Considering they have no electricity 16 hours a day it was pretty good.
ION THE PRIZE
The prize this month are men’s and women’s Ferrari jackets courtesy of Puma. Though the carnivorous puma is feared by many and can jump six meters from a standing position, it actually can’t roar. So how do you fix that? Well you combine it with a car
you can hear coming from miles away, naturally. These lightweight and stylish jackets are the end result. Go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click on contests to enter. IONMAGAZINE.CA 17
Of THe MoNTh
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DVDs 1: Metropolitan: Criterion Edition Just when you think Criterion has already re-released every great movie ever made, they pull Whit Stillman’s Metropolitan out of the vault. Largely taking place at debutante ball after-parties, it follows the lives of some upper class adolescents with too much education who inhabit a decadent world that’s almost Peanuts-esque in its lack of adult characters. The gold in this movie are the monologues. Including Tom’s, who has utter contempt for the work of Jane Austen, without ever having read any work, because he just reads literary criticism and not the actual work because that way you get both the author and the critic’s ideas. Or Charlie who has a lot of problems with the terms WASP or preppie and believes that they should be replaced by the more sociologically precise term U.H.B. (Urban Haute Bourgeoisie). That Noah Baumbach and Wes Anderson have taught us how to laugh at stupid rich people and their sad and stupid rich
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2 ways, makes this movie more enjoyable now. This was followed by Barcelona and Last Days of Disco. I haven’t seen either of these movies but the critics hated Barcelona and loved Last Days of Disco so you should too.
2: Head-On Directed by Fatih Akin, this romantic tragedy is harsh and will make you squirm and might even make you think. Cahit is a widowed old degenerate ex-punk rocker who works as a busser. Sibel is a gorgeous young woman who wants a sham marriage so she can get out of her devout Muslim parent’s house. Both are Turkish-born Germans. Both are suicidal. It’s a match made in heaven. But what starts as a convenient arrangement, eventually sees the two of them falling in love. And, like most marriages, love screws everything up. Tragedy strikes brutally and often, as is often the case with romantic tragedies. But there are actually quite a few laughs in this film too. Think of this movie as Romeo and Juliet. Except instead of the conflict between the Montagues and the Capulets, you have the conflict between tradi-
3 tional Muslim values and hedonistic Western values. The excellent mix of traditional Turkish music with Depeche Mode or Sisters and Mercy only seems to hammer this point home. As a bonus, the “Making of” featurette on this DVD is actually worth watching as it’s shot and narrated by the intern. You get to see the behind the scenes of Sibel slashing her wrists open and hear the intern confess to being afraid of Chait, Biro Unel, who got into an actual fist fight with the director on set and was nearly arrested in Turkey for not completing Army service when he lived there 10 years prior.
Pet 3. Kiki This is a marvelous way to stick it to all the people who think fur is murder. Because the cat is alive, people are less likely to throw paint on you. Send your pet pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your animal friend immortalized in print.
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Game 4. The Godfather “No Sicilian can refuse any request on his daughter’s wedding day.” That’s a fact and don’t you forget it. Now that The Warriors was such an awesome success it’s time for more video games based on classic movies. Start off as a nobody, design your character and hit the streets. Run around committing crimes and completing missions to climb your way up the ranks of the Corleone family till you eventually become the Don. Much like The Warriors, this game goes beyond the actual plot of the movie to create a Godfather world in New York in the 1940s50s. The game even features Marlon Brando’s voice, which is amazing because he passed away, so this was one of his last projects.
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Ticket Giveaway 5. The Constantines, Blood Meridian & Chad VanGaalen Good Lord. It’s three of the best rising acts of Canada’s independent music scene all on the same bill. Courtesy of House of Blues we have tickets for the Constantines, Blood Meridian and Chad VanGaalen show on May 25 at Richard’s on Richards. Toronto’s The Constantines are hot off the release of their album Tournament of Hearts on Sub Pop last fall and has hip kids working blue-collar jobs at steel mills and Molson Breweries blasting it over the speakers. They make me want to get a real job, almost. Hailing from Calgary, Chad VanGaalen released his quirky and folksy debut album on Sub Pop last summer to widespread acclaim and comparisons to Neil Young, which is way better than acclaim. Also on the bill is Vancouver’s Blood Meridian, playing a homecoming show after touring Europe with Black Mountain and the Pink Mountaintops. Suspiciously, Blood Meridian are not signed to Sub Pop but probably
6 only because they recently inked a big recording contract with V2. To enter go to www.ionmagazine. ca and click on contests. If you don’t win you can pick up tickets to this fine show at Redcat, Scratch, Zulu or www.ticketmaster.ca
contributor 6. Jen Selk Jen has been editing the Arts and Culture section of the mag for a few months now, and we’re pretty sure she’s going to get the hang of it soon (Any day now). Eventually, she may even start using freelancers instead of writing all her section’s stories herself. Once upon a time she was voted Girl Most Likely to Become a Romance Novelist. She likes cheap wine, art that makes sense, and money; all of which might make you wonder if she chose the right profession. Her website’s at www.jenselk.com.
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ART
Phukov ALREADY HUGH PHUKOVSKY
Words Jen Selk Photo Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk Hugh Phukovsky is all over the place. He’s a local comedian whose work has been called everything from “insanely talented” and “absurdly funny” to “painfully humourless” and “deliberately asinine.” Before last month, I’d never heard of him, but Phukovsky has been pushing comedic boundaries since 1996, and with a bunch of new projects on the go, may well be set to make it big… ish. So now is a good time to check him out. This fearless funny guy has created a host of alter-egos that have inspired comparisons to an oldschool Andy Kauffman (a similarly misunderstood creative force). Besides the stage persona of Phukovsky himself, he’s also busted out a black character named Leroy Brown, and a massively obese character called Porker, who he’s about to reintroduce into his repertoire after a finance-induced hiatus. Most recently, he debuted a film project entitled Hugh Phukovsky: Behind the Laughter. He calls it 20 IONMAGAZINE.CA
an “in-depth documentary on the beginnings and patchy ‘career’ of the stand-up comedy outlaw.” Now, you may be wondering what’s particularly funny about any of this. Honestly, it’s hard to say. Let’s face it, comedy is relative. But what’s interesting about it is that Phukovsky stands apart from his peers because he’s incredibly self conscious, and seems less interested in being funny than in examining the nature of what is funny, and why. He was quick to explain, for example, that Porker isn’t intended as a jab at the obese. The character, he says, “was created as a reaction to cheap comedy… It’s about fat comedians that feel they must make fun of their weight because they don’t really have anything else to say.” He thinks that sort of humour is about insecurity, and cited the additional examples of female comics who “feel they have to just talk about their periods or have to sexualize themselves to hold the interest of the audience” and black comedians who “only joke about stealing purses.” Though that sort of humour is widely accepted, Phukovsky says it “does nothing more than to deepen and perpetuate negative stereotypes in our society.”
“My goal is to take these subtle examples and make them so ridiculous that it forces people to look deeper into their entertainment and not just passively consume it,” he says.“I think it’s important to not let political correctness get in the way of political expression.” And if all this is starting to sound a little more poli-sci serious than funny, don’t worry. The new Porker is likely to be pretty hilarious. Phukovsky’s certainly invested a lot of time and money into the character. “Right now a massive fat suit is being built for me by a real life costume maker for the movies. I also have a special effects wizard making me a foam latex fat face piece,” he says.“Before, I wrapped myself in sleeping bags and duct tape… The sleeping bags were good for up to 50 below and I used three of them so it was basically 150 degrees in there. I swore I wouldn’t do Porker again until I had something proper.” So think of it this way: at the very least, we know the man is willing to suffer for his art. www.123presents.com.
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IDENTITY CRISIS SHERWIN TIJA Words Jen Selk In the creative world, artists tend to be pigeonholed. Everyone’s supposed to have a thing, perhaps because a single focus is easier to market, but beyond that, the general public just seems unwilling to accept a lot of crossover action. We’re okay, for example, with singer/dancers, painter/drawers, and other such obvious pairings, but try to sell us singer/painters, athlete/rappers and model/talk-show hosts and we get a little suspicious. So what do you do if you’re a writer/painter/cartoonist/accessory-designer/photographer/cross-dressing performance artist? Sherwin Tija, a Montreal-based creative who’s into a bit of everything tries to explain: Alright, Sherwin. What’s the deal? Why haven’t you picked a thing? It’s funny because I feel I have picked a thing. I like to make art. I like to be creative. That’s my thing. But I think what you mean is that I haven’t picked one medium and stuck with it – like writing novels - well, I’m easily excited by individual mediums’ potentials, and I like to explore them. Do you feel the pressure to pick? Does it bother you? I think people want to pigeonhole you not because they want to limit you, but because they want to get to know you. They want to like you and trust you, and for that they need you to be consistent to some extent. You’re involved in a LOT of different stuff. Let’s go through some of it. I’ll start, you finish. First, Pedigree Girls. It’s a… Comic strip inspired by three private-school girls who lived in my residence in university. They were this contradiction that I couldn’t resolve. Like, they knew how much Jimmy Choos cost, but they didn’t know how much tuition was. I suppose the strip was my response to simultaneously being annoyed by them and wanting to be them at the same time. Eventually I would write over 800 of those strips. They were released in two collections. The Hipless Boy is… A graphic novel that I’m in the final stages of completing. It started when I wrote a column in the McGill Daily that were these little stories about my life that I decided to turn into comics that I collected together. Pseudohaikus are… A poetic form I found I could write very easily. They resemble actual haikus, but without any of the syllabic constraints. I started doing them because I got tired of writing actual haikus. I hated counting syllables. I decided to cut whatever I wanted to say into three line poems, and it worked. Eventually 1600 of them were collected into a book – The World is a Heartbreaker. It was released last spring by Coach House Books. I’m working on its sequel right now. It’s called My Girlfriends Have Always Been Tomboys. One Sentence Stories are… 22 IONMAGAZINE.CA
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ART Useful for when pseudohaikus are too short for what I want to say – but a short story is too long. I mean, some of them are run-on sentences, but they’re still technically sentences. Listen To My Friends Masturbate is… Just what you think it is - a small audio CD with recordings of my friends masturbating. There are seven tracks on each of the girls’ and boys’ CDs. The boys’ tracks are, as you can imagine, shorter. You’re also making stuff out of Scrabble pieces? Yes. Scrabble Pins and Cufflinks started because I was at this party one time, drunk and almost passed out, when I looked under the coffee table and saw a single Scrabble tile. It was an E. So I looked around for the Scrabble box, to put it back, but I couldn’t find it. The host of the party said that they didn’t even have one. So I took the E home with me. It sat on my TV for a year, and then one day I was on the street and saw this girl walk by with a little green plastic army man pinned to her chest… and it came to me. Anything else? Right now I’m doing sexy illustrations for this Toronto-based sex-columnist Sasha. I’ve been doing them in the Archie Comics artist’s – Dan DeCarlo’s - style. And I’m also working on a photography show called Swan Ache with my friend Jenna where we get ballet dancers to pose, and we take a portrait of their beautiful faces, and then another portrait of their fucked-up feet. And the cross-dressing performance art? You got a deep love of drag? I just like to dress like a girl. One time I festooned myself with those froofy fabric flowers, so I was like, this walking, fake garden. Another time I did an agonizingly slow striptease where for every article I took off, I had to cover that area with hickeys… they took forever to heal… This summer I’m buying all these secondhand stuffed animals and cutting their bodies off and I’m going to make a dress out of the heads. Honestly… that sounds insane. Even doing so many things sounds a little insane. I’ve always been obsessed with the idea of writing a page a day for a year and then having a novel at the end. So I try to do that with all my projects. I spread it out. I see all these formats as like, different speeds on a bike. Sometimes you want to sprint, and sometimes you want to go slow. But you’ve gotta have all the options if you want to have any fun at all. You can email Sherwin Tija at inconsolablecat@hotmail.com. Some of his artwork can be viewed online at: http://hiplessboy.blogspot.com http://pedigreegirls.blogspot.com www.eye.net/contributors/sasha His books are available on Amazon.com.
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Photography by Barry Gynp Produced and Styled by Amy Lu
previous spread: Dress by Renata Morales Gloves and Earrings by Holt Renfrew Private Label Shoes by Stuart Weitzman at Browns Shoes left: Mackenzie Dress by Free People Necklace by Ben Amun at Blue Ruby Tights by Ellen Tracy Shoes by ID Brown at Browns Gloves Stylists Own
Ubah Dress by Kenzie Girl Earrings by Gerard Yosca at Blue Ruby Shoes by Stuart Weitzman at Browns Shoes Tights by Ellen Tracy Gloves Stylists Own above: Blouse by Dolce and Gabbana at Holt Renfrew Skirt by Laurel at Escada
above: Dress by Ben Sherman Bracelets by Alexis Bittar at Blue Ruby Belt by Holt Renfrew Private Label right: Dress by Renata Morales Gloves and Earrings by Holt Renfrew Private Label Shoes by Stuart Weitzman at Browns Shoes
Make-Up and Hair by Sonia Leal-Serafim (They Representation Inc) Fashion Styling by Amy Lu (They Representation Inc/Judy Inc) Mackenzie (Richard’s Model Management) Ubah (John Casablancas) Wig Supplied by Abantu
FILM
BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE NERDS DARKON
Words Michael Mann “NerrrRRRDDSS!” -Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds In most cases you wouldn’t have to specify that the quote comes from Revenge of the Nerds but when talking about the Darkon, a quote from “ogre” 32 IONMAGAZINE.CA
could mean any number of things. Directed by Luke Meyer and Andrew Neel, Darkon is a new documentary currently doing the festival circuit that brings the viewer into a world of live action role-playing, or LARPing. What is LARPing? Neel explain: “I guess simply, people who create a character. Get dressed up in some sort of costume then go out and play a game. Usually physical, though there are a lot that are more mental.” Meyer adds, “It’s like Dungeons & Dragons, but instead of making decisions by rolling a dice it’s played out by people physically with foam weapons. Either settling wars, like two-sided disputes, or through adventures.” The idea came to Neel while in film school and he was working on a short about online worlds. After completing that, he developed the idea into a fea-
ture length intended to be on Dungeons & Dragons. Through his research he discovered LARPing and Darkon, a group of LARPers in the DC area. After some coaxing, he got members of this community to agree to be in a documentary, which follows the lives of these people in and out of the game. Aside from interviews and talking heads, Darkon features cinematic battle sequences, complete with crane shots and embedded cameramen. Hardly typical documentary conventions, but this is hardly a typical documentary subject. Like Murderball that introduced us to wheelchair rugby, or Spellbound, which brought us into the world of elementary school spelling bees, documentary film makers are showing us that, sociologically speaking, there’s still a lot of undiscovered land out there that needs to be
FILM
LARP VS SCA It should be noted that live action role players aren’t the only group of people who do medieval warfare for fun. Society for Creative Anachronism is a large not-for-profit organization of medieval recreationists. So they’re not the clowns jousting for your amusement at a Medieval Times restaurant while you eat chicken and drink mead. Quentin Baker aka Ieuan Gower, a 14th century Welsh mercenary, explains how he got into the SCA: “I’ve been a medieval history buff and reading about King Arthur, Robin Hood, Beowulf, and Canterbury Tales. I did a double major in English and History. So I’ve always had a historical and literary interest in the medieval period. As well, I’m quite involved in sports and martial arts. So the SCA allowed me
mapped out… even if this land is in the Middle Earth. Beyond the obvious what makes LARPing an engaging subject for a documentary –the spectacle, the bizarreness, the hyper-nerdery– Neel thinks it brings a lot more to the table. “It’s interesting ethnographic subject matter in terms of watching human behavior. Americans, and the world, are very interested in virtual worlds right now. Our existence as human beings is becoming increasingly psychological. This game manifests a lot of interesting topics that have a lot to do with that. It very clearly represents the way that human beings try to bridge the gap between fantasy and reality in the world of the mind and the world that’s in front of us.” Immediately coming to mind when a lot of people first hear about Darkon is a video that was circulating the Internet a few years back. In it, a portly fellow screams “Lightening Bolt! Lightening Bolt!” while throwing foam bolts of lightening at fellow nerds in armor. I was told that LARPers hate that video and that “One of the cool things about Darkon is you get some of the football jocks from high school and some people who are really interested in what can be a rigorous physical exercise.” Whether or not putting on a suit of armor and fighting overlords with crossbows will replace Bikram’s Yoga remains to be seen. Like many, I’ve had a roll of the 50-sided die to determine whether or not a treasure chest contains a runed wand of the abyss or an angry mage who’s going to cast a magic missile spell on me. But I was in a young, stupid and experimental stage of youth. The people in this movie are full-grown adults with day jobs. Skirting around the issue I politely ask: “Who are these people that are into live action role playing?” hoping that they’ll
confirm my suspicions that it’s only nerds doing this thus allowing me to sleep better at night. Meyer claims that “one of the most surprising things to me was how wide the spectrum was. It goes from high school kids to lawyer parents to whatever.” Okay, but is it just nerds? I get an emphatic “No” from Neel. But after a short pause he concedes, “There’s no question that a good percentage of the people that are in the game did play Dungeons & Dragons. I guess dorks are the way of the world right now. We’re all IT managers and computer people. That’s sort of connected to the idea that our world is becoming psychological. In our everyday lives our effect on the world is not always very tangible. If you’re working as a stockbroker or whatever you’re doing you don’t really get to see things move in front of you when you do something. This game allows you to do that. Maybe that’s dorks. I guess it is and Luke [Meyer] and I would have to consider ourselves part of that category.” True dork and nerd are no longer dirty words. That there are six million people (500,000 people online at any given time) all pretending to be minotaur shaman or night elf rogues in The World of Warcraft shows that role-playing is hardly the closeted behavior of nerds that it used to be. So fly your nerd flag high, without shame, because you are not alone. May all your treasure chests contain enchanted chainmail armor.
to combine a number of interests. I can do medieval research and recreation. I can make medieval tents, I can shoot archery the way it would have been done in medieval times, build armor, put together costumes and go to feasts. I’m also involved in medieval combat as well. Basically, dressing up in armor and having full contact martial arts-style fighting. ” The major difference between LARPers and the SCA is that “The focus of the SCA is on historical re-enactment, so it’s very firmly based on what plausibly existed in history. We’re trying to re-construct medieval garments, furniture, tournaments and feats in the way they would have been. There’s a fairly major stress on the fact that we’re doing research. The live action role playing crowd is a lot more fluid a group and they tend to range from people with a genuine interest in history all the way through to people who want to be elves, ninjas or medieval Vulcans.” Quentin used to hold the title of Prince but is now a Viscount of the Kingdom of An Tir, an area consisting of British Columbia, Alberta, Washington and Oregon. These titles aren’t just handed out and are obtained through winning tournaments. But “while there’s a social hierarchy it’s not like I don’t talk to other people. One of the interesting things about the SCA is you have to balance it with
www.darkonthemovie.com
the real world. I can’t get Serfs to do my bidding for the weekend. It just doesn’t work that way. It’d be cool if I could win a tournament and have slaves though.”
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VANCOUGAR
The title of Vancougar’s debut longplayer on Scratch Records is simply called Losin’ It! but what they’re actually referring to is anyone’s guess. Their lunch? Their keys? Their minds? What we do know is, these ladies of leisure (Eden-guitar and vocals, Becca-bass and vocals, Megan-keyboards and vocals, CC-drums) know how to write a good pop song and aren’t afraid to pen 10 examples of their finest Shangri-Las-meets-The Slits sassiness for all the masses to hear. Having sunk their claws into cities and towns on the West Coast, can the rest of the country be far behind? Best get ahead and get a clue to the sounds of Vancougar, before its too late. www.vancougar.ca www.myspace.com/vancougar
Photography by Mark Maryanovich Visual Mechanics by Sxv’Leithan Essex
MUSIC
Oscillations A conversation with Stereolab’s Tim Gane Words Luke Meat From his avante-noise experiments in Uncommunity, to the jangle Marxist pop of McCarthy, to the sonic bombast that is Stereolab, Tim Gane has had a large hand in shaping the way the musical world listens for the last 25 years. Stereolab’s latest release, Fab Four Suture, is a solid record retuning to their brassy sound of the late nineties, and, despite personal hardships such as an inter-band divorce and a core member’s death, Stereolab sound more 38 IONMAGAZINE.CA
winsome and optimistic than ever. “I’ve been making music since the early 80s: I started in a noise band called Uncommunity,” says Gane speaking from his London home. “We were a very abrasive Moog band and we were into the whole tape swapping scene. That’s where I first heard stuff like Merzbow [Japan’s premier noiseician] and Nurse With Wound [pioneer audio artists]. After we finished, two of the members went to university. When we got back together, we started calling ourselves McCarthy.” McCarthy’s bouncy, acoustic pop sound laced with heavy Socialist lyrical content was more akin to the sound of The Smiths or The Housemartins. To say that McCarthy and Stereolab are completely different sounding bands is a drastic understatement. “McCarthy was four individuals, where, even though I wrote two-thirds of the music, it wasn’t the music that I was listening to. By the end of the band I was a bit frustrated, so when McCarthy stopped, I started to concentrate on the music that I really wanted to write. The main difference between McCarthy and Stereolab is that Stereolab are my ideas.” Utilizing old analogue synthesizers such as Moogs and Farfisas, Stereolab’s early singles reflected a drone induced, back-to-basics sound and created an almost clinical approach to making music. Then their sound completely changed with 1994’s Transient Random Noise Bursts With Announcements. The album recalls the repetitive mantra jams created by Krautrock pioneers Can, Faust and Neu!. Coincidentally, interest in these aforementioned bands saw the re-release of their records. When asked if he felt he had a hand in the resurgence of these groups, Gane replies: “I dunno, maybe we were a cog in the machine, I find that fits in with the general interest in the re-discovery of older music. When we started Stereolab in ’91, Neu! were a very big influence on the way I was writing, a very simple structure yet very powerful at the same time. But journalists would have never written that we sounded like Neu! back then because those bands weren’t in the vocabulary of a lot of writers,” he laughs. The years following, The ‘Lab released their two best selling albums, Emperor Tomato Ketchup and Dots and Loops. Was the success a result of the band making a more accessible sound or the audience finally catching up to Stereolab’s vision? “Oh, I dunno!” laughs Gane. “Those albums evolved out of a musical crisis that we were going through. The
year before Emperor was released, I thought that was the lowest musical period that Stereolab went through. I thought the songs we were making were just really, really bad, I didn’t know what to do. I was working on a cover track for the New York band, The Godz. I had found a two second sample of theirs and I looped it. This is where I got the idea for the Emperor LP and sampling and looping changed the way I wrote music. And the sound just coincided with what was coming out of the London clubs then, a funky and groovier kind of sound that we hadn’t done before. Our sound changed for musical reasons, not for anything else. Throughout Stereolab’s career they have had a revolving door policy with their members. The only two constants being Gane and lead vocalist Laetita Sadier, with whom he was married to for several years and have a child together. Although they have divorced they have managed to keep the group together, even when tragedy befell co-vocalist Mary Hansen who was killed in a cycling accident on December 9, 2002. When asked if he ever thought about not going on without Hansen, Gane replied, “ I don’t know if we ever considered ending the group. My initial ideas about it had nothing to do with the group; my thoughts were more about her as a person. Later on, people asked me why we kept going and I just don’t know, I don’t think any of us know. We didn’t really have a meeting about it or anything, we just started playing about six weeks after it happened.” Stereolab still do old songs that feature Hansen on vocals but they have replaced her vocals with brass arrangements. Fab Four Suture Stereolab’s 13th release is an amalgamation of all of their previous experiments. Krautrock drone meets lush brass arrangements with a very mod groove. It would sound not out of place at any hip establishment. “How have we evolved?” Gane asks back.“I don’t know, by bits and pieces I guess. I look at music a lot differently than a lot of people. I’ve never looked at our career in individual albums or songs, I see it more as a giant mass, like a blob turning over and getting bigger and bigger. All of our albums, singles and individual tracks are all part of a greater idea. I just kind of move my ideas monolithically. Despite the fact that what I mostly listen to is avant-garde music, I strictly want to work in a pop-orientated genre. Pop music can be the most potent, but it’s our version of pop music.”
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MUSIC
Wyld Stallyns
BAND OF HORSES Words Michael Mann
The Pacific Northwest has risen again. But the screaming vocals, baggy flannel and Sub Pops have slowly and silently been replaced by gentle voices, tight sweaters and, well… Sub Pop. The latest in a slew of new acts to put out an album on the little label that could and did is Band of Horses. Formed out of the ashes of Carissa’s Wierd, a Seattle orchestral folk rock act (read: lullaby music), you could compare them to any number of bands like Built to Spill, The Flaming Lips and The Arcade Fire and not be totally off. Their release, Everything all the Time is a mix of emotionally charged Indie Rock songs that shift from slow stripped-down acoustic tracks to up-tempo tracks that hit you with a melancholic wall of sound. But the driving force of the Horses is the voice of Carissa’s Wierd drummer Ben Bridwell whose high pitched and powerful pipes sound like a mixture of Brian Wilson, Neil Young and Wayne Coyne. Which begs the question: Why the hell were they hiding this guy behind a drum kit? “When we broke up I’d never sung before. It just all kind of happened by accident... I grew up on Neil Young and love him so much. That was definitely a huge influence. I love squeaky voiced and high pitched dude singers, always have.” If having an Indie mega-label wasn’t enough, assisting on the album is superstar producer Phil Ek. Ek kept the Horses on a tight rein when it came time to hit the studio. “I think we definitely over-estimated our ability when it came to recording. So we had some tough spots and there were
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a few times where Phil was definitely busting our fucking balls.” But you can’t really argue with a guy whose producer credits include Modest Mouse, Built to Spill, The Shins and David Cross among others and after a chuckle Bridwell adds, “He gets results.” The results he speaks of are most evident on the album’s single “The Funeral,” where Bridwell goes for the musical full monty to try and make a connection with the listener.“I’m sure some people could consider some of [my music] cheesy. But my whole belief in doing the band is I don’t give a shit. If that’s what I want to hear and I think it sounds good I’m not going to worry a damn thing what anybody says about it. You can’t do that. If you think that way it’ll cripple you. Sure I’m trying to convey emotion just like everyone else and you hope that you won’t get ragged on for it.” With the abundance of affiliations and lists of bands they sound like, it’d be easy to dismiss Band of Horses as derivative. To that, Bridwell responds: “I would go as far to say that not that many people bring anything new to the table.The direction I took with writing a lot of the songs with stuff that I liked to hear. Not being in a band after Carissa’s Wierd broke up made me want to write music like the kind that inspired me when I was 15 and discovered Indie Rock… I wanted to do a sound that was classically Indie Rock.” So what you get with Band of Horses is something uniquely familiar. Like an amusement park ride you’ve been on a dozen times, you know where it’s going and you just don’t care because it’s still great. And Bridwell doesn’t mind the inevitable comparisons people will make when trying to describe Band of Horses’ sound. “It’s great company to be compared to,” but adds that he hopes, “after a while people will hear it for being me.”
MUSIC
tABLOID FREE EDITORS
Words Emily Khong With all the Pete Dohertys in the world, Editors can sleep soundly at night knowing that they can wake up to a tabloid-free morning. Guitarist Chris Urbanowicz believes the band avoids the Doherty Syndrome because “we like to talk about our music a lot.” The quartet’s strong, moody, and anthem-like songs can hold its own. “It’s not like we’re goody two-shoes or anything,” Urbanowicz explains over the phone from Brooklyn.“We like to party but that’s not really the point. It’s not what we talk about to journalists and stuff. Our private lives are our private lives, you know. Some people use that to their advantage, to sell more records, but we feel like it’s irrelevant and we don’t really talk about it.” While the British group has no problem talking about the music, they’ve heard enough of the comparisons to the music and images of 80s gloom bands. Look no further than the unflattering nick-
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name critics have given them: Boy Division. It’s easy to see how their lyrics (You fall from grace but fall with such grace) and singer/guitarist Tom Smith’s hypnotic tenor can fit into the same vein as Morrissey; ironically, the former Smiths frontman had even asked Editors to open for him during his last U.K. tour, to which they politely declined due to scheduling conflicts. Setting things straight, Urbanowicz declares that everyone in the band is an optimist: “There’s a stigma attached to the band already because we dress in black and our music is, by first listen, very negative and we’re quite aggressive on stage. People think we’re quite unapproachable, you know, maybe a little bit moody. We’re certainly not like that. If you look through the music and give the album a few more listens, there’s a lot of optimism on the record.” Dismissing the 80s reference, Editors aren’t about to hold onto their Brit Pop upbringing either. Urbanowicz may have grown up to “Wonderwall” but he says,“I don’t really feel like I’m a part of anything.” What he took away was “to not get too involved in scenes and stuff ‘cause they’ll come and go and I think they’re quite embarrassing to be honest.” Illustrating his point: “Between Oasis and Blur, [there was] loads and loads of shit cast-off bands.” The guitarist now believes “the UK music scene [is] posing as a whole, but all of the bands sound completely different.” The only thing the 24-year-old is certain about is that his band strives to “make an intelligent kind of pop music.” He admits one of the hardest things is to make a melody sound credible, but listeners will agree that his guitar lines are among the ranks of U2’s The Edge. Editors have time to fine-tune their skills as the group formed in university. Shortly after, the band relocated to Birmingham to be closer to their management. “It’s not a glamour city at all,” the Editors’ guitarist claims. “We didn’t go there for social reasons.” The former Nottingham resident explains how the group is influenced by their surroundings: “We felt we could get sheltered away from the music industry [in Birmingham] and that was exactly what happened.” All of the band members (including bassist Russell Leetch and drummer Ed Lay) are about to or have already reached the quarter of a century mark in their lives. Like other young adults, they did the “school” thing; even with music technology classes,
“we basically spent three years realizing we didn’t want to be engineers or producers… down at the music school, there was always the thought that we’d form a band. I guess there was a lot of wasted tuition fees, but there you go,” laughs Urbanowicz. Their university days may have taught them some studio tricks to use while recording their debut album, The Back Room, but that didn’t matter since they had Jim Abbiss at the producing helm. “I think he was the fifth member on that three and a half weeks”, Urbanowicz says. Working previously with artists like Björk and DJ Shadow, Abbiss brought out the electronic and dance elements on the disc. Franz Ferdinand has said they wanted to make music that girls could dance to, so Editors joined forces and toured with them “to even it out a little.” Urbanowicz recalls: “When we first started out, the hardcore [fans] were like, a lot of men in their mid 20s to mid 30s and a few people that were sort of into The Cure back in the day and stuff like that, and Echo and the Bunnymen, and [they] relive their youth a bit through our bands. So there were always the intellectuals and sorts like that. They were the first to get on board but there’s a wider spectrum of fans that we’ve got now.” When asked how often knickers get thrown on stage: “Yeah, that did happen once, but we won’t talk about that.” Surviving the stages on this year’s South By Southwest Music Festival, Editors are currently touring the States this spring with Stellastarr*. The Brit musician is happy that “it’s not really like starting again as what we thought it might have been.” Instead, people are singing along at the shows to songs like their striking single, “Bullets.” The shows remain intense for the band as “[the excitement] hasn’t been lost; which is something I thought might dilute with all the gigs that we’ve played over the years… we’re always charging about, being aggressive and throwing songs around.” With the onslaught of fans and good press, one can imagine how editors everywhere will try to exploit the band’s name to become the fifth member of the band. Not surprisingly, Urbanowicz mentions that crazy fans do e-mail the group asking to join. One Italian man stands out in particular: “He was like, listing his resume and stuff, boast[ing] he could play every single instrument… and says if any member of the band ever leaves the band, would [we] consider him joining. So it was pretty wild,” Urbanowicz admits.“He wasn’t an editor though.”
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MUSIC
POSTER ART
Whitey Houston
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MUSIC After reading a recent exposé in The National Post claiming Edmonton, Alberta as the next musical mecca people should be flocking to, can an art renaissance for the “City Of Champions” be far behind? Not exactly, but if there’s one person championing the art of good rock and roll posters, it’s Lyle Bell. You may know him better under his coonskin cap as Whitey, fret master-of-disaster for chunkrock duo Whitey Houston, or the dance-punk dynamo of Shout Out Out Out Out. When not putting Edmonton on the map with nationwide touring, he’s putting kick-ass memorabilia on light-poles for his peeps and keeping the rock on the streets. Next stop, your house. Are you ready? www.whiteyhouston.com www.gigposters.com/whiteyhouston
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MUSIC
Alias & Tarsier Brookland/ Oaklyn Anticon
ALBUM REVIEWS
Last year, we were treated to a collaborative record joining beatsmith wunderkind Brendan Whitney –who, under the name Alias, has a laundry list of electronic production credits– and his multi-instrumentalist younger brother Ehren. Among select Anticon fans, there was much rejoicing. Our man Alias must have extracted some modest amount of joy from the partnership as he has already returned to the idea of a double billing, this time with Björk-ish vocalist Rona “Tarsier” Rapadas. For this, the fine trip-hop producer smoothed out some decidedly more ambient, cinematic electronic instrumentals to compliment Tarsier’s fragile, ethereal vox, but not so smooth as to make Whitney’s bold stream of consciousness on “Last Nail” sound out of place. In light of the fact that their communication was almost entirely conducted by email, that makes Brookland/Oaklyn truly remarkable as well as hauntingly beautiful. In a tasteful world, there will be much rejoicing. 4/5 Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Anti Flag For The Flaming Lips Blood and At War With the Empire RCA/ Mystics Warner Sony BMG Twenty-one years and 12 albums into a career that’s seen them boldly go where no rock group has gone before, The Flaming Lips have returned with what could be their most challenging album to date. Forgoing structure and coherence, At War With the Mystics isn’t so much an album as it is a musical grab bag of spacey psychedelics, with the results, frankly, being hit-or-miss. The funk-laced “Free Radicals” with its Prince-biting vocals packs enough quirky fun to forgive possibly the worst chorus of the year: “You’re not so radical / In fact, you’re fanatical.” “The Yeah Yeah Yeah Song,” by contrast, is too sickeningly chirpy to be salvaged. Much will be made of At War With the Mystics’ political leanings and not without reason. Front man Wayne Coyne has never been as overtly opinionated as on this outing, and the results often clash with his ethereal persona. Still, out of place as lyrics like “We got the power now, motherfuckers/ it’s where it belongs” may seem coming from Coyne’s lips (pun intended) the world needs someone to jumpstart the revolution, and Bono just ain’t cutting it. 3/5 Justin Sheppard
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Dear Anti Flag: How is anyone supposed to take you seriously when you contradict yourselves? It’s mighty interesting that a band with extreme anticapitalist views decides to sign to RCA Records. Don’t even try to give me that “we want our music to be heard” crap. We all know it’s about the money. At least this album is a step up, intellectually, from your last effort, The Terror State. Where the last album seemed like blindly funneled rage against a “greater oppressor,” this new one is better researched and actually quite informative. I really appreciate the effort made to include a short critically analytical essay with each set of lyrics. I no longer had to research the meanings of your lyrics on the Wikipedia, when all the info’s right here: a letter by a Rwandan Genocide survivor, essays by authors John Stauber and John Perkins, and fact sheets galore. Thank you for telling me more than I would ever need to know about the Press Corps, PNAC, the WTO, and depleted Uranium. And you do this all while making the music infectiously catchy! I leave you with one question: although I realize you hate Bush, where would
your music be without him and his actions? You’d have nothing to complain about and your music would suck, big time. Sincerely: An Easily Influenced Teenage Mind 3/5 Marielle Kho
Diesler Keepie Uppies Tru Thoughts This is already the second complete album from 20-something Burnley resident Jon Redford for last year’s Gilles Peterson Worldwide Awards top label, Tru Thoughts. On this album you can clearly hear a marked sense of maturity in this immaturely titled Keepie Uppies. The “one man bandito” has refined his beats from sort of cartoon festivals to something more like a Playboy Mansion party. Now that’s serious cool. This record also sees a more collaborative effort from Diesler.The first ever and only vocal contributor from his debut release, Double Yellow makes several appearances here while Laura Vane penned two highlight cuts and Joseph Malik another. Apparently, this shit is contagious. Most Keepie tracks also find themselves accented by the trumpet of Daniel Smith, which certainly is an authentic zest up from straight sampling. With such a young and prolific stable, this is just more proof Tru Thoughts is gunning to repeat as BBC kings. 4/5 -Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Liars Drum’s Not Dead Mute Few groups in recent memory have experienced the career trajectory that Liars have, let alone over the course of just three albums. These former dance-punk darlings became instant pariahs with the release of their sophomore effort, They Were Wrong, So We Drowned; a challenging concept album unjustly criticized as unlistenable. Such a reaction would shake the confidence of any band, but to their credit, Liars didn’t compromise under the pressure. Instead, they wrote an album about it. Drum’s Not Dead is a concept album that explores the struggle between two fictional characters, Drum, and Mt. Heart Attack, meant to represent, respectively, the band’s instincts and self-doubt. What follows is a push/pull dynamic where bursts of aggressive percussion do battle with ghostly soundscapes before finally overcoming the band’s self-doubt with closing track “The Other Side of Mt. Heart Attack.” An emotional roller coaster of an album, Drum’s Not Dead will likely leave the listener spent by the time it comes to a close. Along the way it will confirm Liars as one of
the most vital groups making music today. 4/5 Justin Sheppard
Mogwai Mr. Beast Matador A word of caution to the managers of all established and/or prospective post-rock groups: proclaiming that your group’s new album is “possibly better than Loveless” in the lead-up to its release is probably not the wisest of moves. To the dismay of hyperbolic bait-grabbers, Mr. Beast hasn’t redefined what the limits of rock music are for us, though these were ridiculous expectations to begin with. That said, the misleadingly titled fifth album from this Glasgow five piece, is their most realized since their debut, Young Team. I say misleading since, with few exceptions, the proverbial beast is left inside its cage, and the songs we’re left with are far too pretty for such a moniker. Artistic growth is apparent on the breezy “Acid Food” where a lap steel makes a surprise appearance, as well as “I Chose Horses” which features the perfect union of Tetsuya Fukagawa’s monotone delivery in Japanese overtop melancholy guitars and synths. Those craving raw power don’t walk away empty handed though. A trio of songs, “Glasgow MegaSnake,”“Folk Death 95,” and “We’re No Here” show that these Scots can still bring the thunder and lightning when needed. 3.5/5 Justin Sheppard
Morrissey Ringleader of the Tormentors Attack/ Sanctuary Though it pains me to say so, Morrissey may have been on to something with “You Know I Couldn’t Last” off 2004’s You Are the Quarry. Only two years removed from possibly the finest album of his solo career, Ringleader of the Tormentors shows a Morrissey seemingly bereft of ideas, whose talents are quickly leaving him. For a man who’s built a career on witty, cutting lyrics, duds like “I see the world/ it makes me puke” from “To Me You Are A Piece of Art” or “On the Streets I Ran’s” “’Till the day that you croak/ it’s no joke” are hard pills to swallow. Equally off-putting is hearing Moz’s voice fail him as he struggles to hit the high notes, most notably on “I’ll never Be Anybody’s Hero Now.” On the cusp of 47, and with nothing left to prove, it would be a shame if this were to end up the disappointing finale to a storied career. Here’s hoping this mopey Manchester native has at least one more quality
MUSIC album in him. 2.5/5
Justin Sheppard
Roommate Songs The Animals Taught Us Plug Research The Windy City’s own Kent Lambert is movin’’’ on up. These Songs’ exploration of the unusual dichotomy of quirky Nintendo synth chamber pop and severe socio-political critique was just self-released in the latter half of 2005. Merely half a year later, Plug Research is already willing to cast the long player across the planet. Though the emphasis is always on the lighter side of low budget electronica and coffee shop folk, occasionally some really fat sounds develop that you wish would pop up more often. Just ask “Molly.” But as much as I personally respect and believe the world needs Roommate’s “we hate the rich” messages, the form of this album doesn’t often agree with the content so I can’t be sure how well the animals’ teachings will be received. Don’t politics curdle in pop? Here’s hoping anyway, Orwell. 3/5 Filmore Mescalito Holmes
The Vines Vision Valley Capitol The Vines burst onto the Australian music scene in early 2001 with their critically acclaimed debut, Highly Evolved which featured grunge inspired garage rock tracks that garnished comparisons to such bands as Nirvana and the Strokes. The Vines followed up with Winning Days which lacked all the qualities that made their first release so listenable. The band returns to their old ways on their latest album titled Vision Valley with 13 tracks sure to makes hipsters around the world drool. The album kick starts with “Anysound” a track full of heavy punk-pop-power chords reminiscent of bands like Supergrass and the Bluetones. The Vines don’t forget to pay homage to their heroes, Nirvana with “Nothin’s Comin’” a song that is busting at the seams with the fuzzy 90s grunge sound. Vision Valley is an amalgamation of various different musical genres covering everything from the above mentioned grunge, garage, Beatles-like pop tunes on “Candy Daze,” and psychedelia à la Brian Jonestown Massacre style on “Atmos.” Despite a disappointing second album, Vision Valley reclaims the Vines status as one of the major players in the Alternative pop scene. 4/5 Paul Borchert
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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang
“One time I made myself a reputation as a humorist by the simple process of telling the truth.” -The Razor’s Edge, W. Sommerset Maugham I love it when people fall down in public. Based exclusively on this statement, one might speculate that I am a malevolent dog who lives only for the moments when I get to witness the public humiliation of others. This, however, is not the case... you judgmental bastards. You see, if anything, I am an honest person. As a result of this trait, there are few characteristics that I cherish more in others than honesty. Unfortunately, lies have permeated our society so completely that we don’t even notice them anymore. Fake tits are a cultural norm. Fear not though, there still remain brief moments when the purity of truth is still in existence, on this earth, for you and I. I walk confidently down the nude beach on a hot and sunny summers day. Resting one foot on a log and using a hand to shield my eyes from the sun, I scan the crowd for friends. My balls dangle ever so gently in the breeze. I spot Ramon playing backgammon with some naked chicks and I call out to him. Just as I get their attention, I step gingerly over the log and fall the fuck down. Naked. In front of everybody. Every time a human being falls down something compelling happens. All people fall down now and again. Alcoholics fall down, ugly people fall down, priests fall down, cowboys fall down, the pope falls down and even Fidel Castro fell down once. The gripping part of a fall happens very quickly and is easily missed. Can you recall ever making eye contact with someone in the process of falling down? There is a brief instant, mid-fall, when all people make a particular type of face. It is but a moment, and one must watch closely to catch it.The eyes carry in them a blank awareness. The mouth is held awkwardly as if trying to pronounce a vowel in a language that is not fully understood. This is the face of truth. People forget the everyday bullshit when they are about to bite it. All social constructs are completely ignored and the face is finally free to behave as it sees fit.The fall is the great equalizer. In my judgment the mid-fall moment is the most honest instant of the entire human experience. It’s a truly beautiful thing. “True happiness comes only to those that can remain joyous and cheerful among nothing but hard truths.” -Thus Spoke Zarathustra, Friedrich Nietzsche
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HOROSCOPES
Words Ernold Sane
You need to crawl up from your parent’s basement and slap them for beating you so hard ‘‘with the ugly stick. They stopped making sticks riddled with such ugliness when inbreeding became popular in the middle-ages with royal families and genetically depressed dogs. You are the blueprint for a new race of man-poodle. Don’t make strong decisions this month and stop sniffing nutsack.
’’
TAURUS April 21-May 21
Gemini
May 22-June 21
Your horoscope is all about Myspace because that’s all you have been this month and your future looks weak because of your obsession. Stop posting ‘look at my pics.’ It’s sad and pathetic that you’re desperate for attention and approval. No-one approves, we all know you love to take pictures of yourself because no-one will touch your sweaty camera. You need to put a shirt on and get a job. Shit, join the army, they’d love to take pictures while they ram your laptop in your ass.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
Your crabs have cleared up just in time for spring. Now you can polish off your fruit boots and blade around the city with your mildly retarded, ex-suburban electroclash leaching scumbag friends. You parasites are milking the health care system for so much crab cream we’re gonna have to import more from Thailand, but we’ll be sure to order you some more Redbull tank-tops for you twats.
Leo
July 23-Aug 22
You’ve been giving Pete Doherty a run for his money, and I don’t mean musically coz your band is shit. Nope, all those drugs are the reason you hear the voices in your head. Now there are enough to start your own show, Whose Brain is it Anyway? Things are
gonna get worse, one of the voices is gonna go away and come back saying they went to England and be all Victoria Beckham, but by summer it’ll fade to Madonna.
Virgo
Aug 23-Sept 23
Your style has slipped so much that Cotton Ginny herself would spit in your face. You need to be punched like a jazz musician. Blind people are laughing at you dude (and they know what’s up). First thing’s first, take off your shoes, tie them together and throw them over the power lines (like I do) then climb up that very same power line and cut them down. Something will happen along your mission that will help you find some sense.
Libra
Sept 24-Oct 23
It’s been a good year for you so far and the full moon was in your sign last month casting light upon you. Unfortunately we all got to see your boney back, and I’ve gotta say you need to eat a sandwich that contains more than just pubic hair. This is what happens when your diet consists on chode for lunch and K.Y. jelly for dinner. (PS You’re the only one who calls it Chodalicious).
cause by the end of the decade you’ll have had unsatisfying sex with both of them anyway. You need to start telling people you’re Jewish, that crew’ll keep you in check and hey, you might even develop a sense of humor. Jesus won’t mind, he slags you constantly and says you’re shit.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 This month you’re all Ludracris just coz you preferred, you’ll rhyme every worrd that you hearrd, you won’t be deterred by the nerrds from the ‘burrbs who slurred all their worrds and smell like turrds driving thunderbirrds with their glasses blurred undeterred and then you’ll be referred to a... clinic. While I’m tearing it up like Tyrannosaurus Rex, you be staying at home having opensaurus sex.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20
Oct 24-Nov 22
Finances are hitting you hard, even with your lesbian lover picking up the tab for your sorry ass. That gravy train is gonna run as dried up and crusty as your unwashed perogy ass. If you could accomplish half the lies you tell you might actually become the actor/ model/musician you say you are. You can put make-up on a pig, but a pig is still a pig. Keep cutting your own hair, it gives us something to laugh at.
When the sun moved to Taurus, your friends had a tea party and voted you first to get the herp. That’s okay be-
Your ass is some fine Canadian bacon
Scorpio
AQUARIUS
Jan 21-Feb 19
this month. Don’t get over-confident like you did last month when you tried to switch to the goth look. You reek of ‘diet goth’ and no weirdo sex starved freak would go near you with a poking stick and bag of onions. However your PVC did let us see your uglies, and the music was good enough to distract us from your eyebrows that could’ve been drawn better by a left handed quadriplegic.
PISCES
Feb 20-March 20
Your partner is bored with you due because your ideas are as fresh as Courtney Love’s vag. You’re as unoriginal as a Mexican bar full of geckos and your taste is as poor as the person that runs them. Even your grandma wishes that either you or her were dead whenever you call her. You might be able to talk your partner into a threesome the next time they cheat on you, but not likely. Your lucky color is blue.
ARIES
March 21-April 20
You’ve let yourself get as hairy as a Greek construction worker and your clothes smell like a bucket of fish in Romania. These are your only worldly qualities apart from your American pick-up lines you got from Elimidate. You look like a prickly bean-bag with eyes and your entire body needs bleach the kill off the termites that live inside your bacon-cave.
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