FALL FASHION ISSUE OUR MERCURY VASHTI BUNYAN POSTSECRET ROCKY VOTOLATO
FREE SEPT 06
This MoNTh in Ion 12 Editor’s Letter What the hell is Prada? 14 ION the Prize 16 Of the Month Games where you get to kill zombies, high school film noires, cats that use the toilet and an “I Saw You” placed by one of our readers. 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam’s original idea, an article about his masturbation practices, was rejected. Thank you notes can be sent to editor@ionmagazine.ca. 47 Horoscopes ION’s in-house astrologist is here to piss on your Cornflakes and make fun of your haircut. 48 The Perry Bible Fellowship
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RBC Canadian Painting Competition The prize money for this prestigious competition comes directly out of your savings account. Just kidding, we all know you don’t have any money in there. PostSecret I watched every episode of Big Brother All Stars this summer. There, I said it.
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Sway Through the Crowd to an Empty Space I bet you look good on the dancefloor. The Indian Summer Fall fashion editorial shot by David Fierro. Five Four Three, two, one… blue steel!
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Rocky Votolato Naming your kid Rocky pretty much ensures he’ll grow up to do something interesting. Vashti Bunyan Only on the Internet can you resurrect someone’s long forgot- ten career by not paying for her music. Our Mercury This awesome Edmonton punk rock band has been around for a decade and you still haven’t checked them out? Oh, it’s because they were opening for Simple Plan. Good answer. Poster Art:Stacey Case Not only is he designing the poster for the pillow fight,he’s organizing it too. Album Reviews
Volume 4 Number 7 Issue 32 Publisher
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca
Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Advertising DJ Lampitt dj@ionmagazine.ca Elizabeth Wolber lib@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editors Marisa Woo Lead Designer Website
Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Andrew Bobic
Contributing Writers: Sarah Hutchinson, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sam Kerr, Marielle Kho, Emily Khong, Robert Robot, Ernold Sane, Natalie Vermeer, Chris Walters, Elizabeth Wolber Contributing Photographers: Toby Marie Bannister, Todd M Duym, David Fierro, Jason Lang, Mario Miotti ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. The opinions expressed by writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of ION Magazine. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. Highresolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, video iPods (60 gig version only), CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an Xbox 360 can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Xbox 360. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office 604.6969.ION Fax: 604.6969.411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover and Contents Photography: David Fierro Model: Neelia Moore Lizbell Agency Clothing: Top/Mintage Sweater/Underworld
EDITOR’S LETTER
Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
Never saw The Devil Wears Prada but I’d lie to you if I did. Meryl Streep is supposed to be great in it. I’ve never seen a movie she’s been in but the middleaged women I play bridge with on the third Sunday of every month tell me she’s fantastic. I did see The Devil in Miss Jones. Not the Damiano original, only the six sequels it spawned. I also saw The Devil’s Advocate with Keanu Reeves and Al Pacino. In it, Pacino plays a sadistic lawyer who is actually the Devil and wants to corrupt young Reeves for some strange reason. So I can only assume that The Devil Wears Prada is of a similar theme. Meryl Streep plays some sort of ‘Beelzebub’ or ‘Mephistopheles’ and is the editor at a fashion magazine who takes great pleasure in stealing the souls of her employees and readers. Presumably while wearing Prada. I’m not even really sure where you’d buy Prada, what it looks like, or what it costs. Does it even exist? Basically all I know about Prada is how to spell it. That and Meryl Streep, the satanic magazine editor, likes to wear it while hypnotizing her female employees and making them engage in bizarre pagan sex rituals. I do know there is a disappointing lack of Devils
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and Prada in the ION office. Okay, maybe there are a few lesser devils. Two-legged centaurs like Tewt from The Mighty Hercules cartoons. But there are no capital ‘d’ devils and there is no Prada on our dainty cloven hooves. Does anyone care? Is anyone really impressed by über brands anymore? Those were semi-rhetorical questions so don’t answer back to the magazine—it’ll look really weird to the person sitting beside you. Over the past five years we’ve all learned a little more about the conditions under which fashion is produced and the consequences of being a “brand slave.” Undeniably, people are smarter about this sort of stuff and the average high school student will be able to lecture you about branding. Despite this increased collective knowledge, anyone who throws paint on your clothes also spends time every morning deciding what they’re going to wear. We all have an image of ourselves that we want to project. Some want to look like a model. Some want to simply blend in. Some want to look like they don’t give a fuck what they look like. Ironically, the latter probably takes the most time out of the three to pull off. It’s inescapable unless you want
to be like Albert Einstein and wear the same thing everyday. But Einstein too cared about fashion. He said, “If most of us are ashamed of shabby clothes and shoddy furniture, let us be more ashamed of shabby ideas and shoddy philosophies... It would be a sad situation if the wrapper were better than the meat wrapped inside it.” You should listen to this guy because he came up with the theory that made all three of the Back to the Future movies possible. If you were to ask Einstein about this statement today he would say nothing because he’s dead. But if he were alive, Einstein would agree that meat and wrapper should go hand in hand, one complimenting the other. (Statements always sound more credible when you include an “Einstein would agree.”) So by all means fix up and look sharp, but clothes shouldn’t make the man. Rather, they should enhance him. Enhance him till he is a remorseless and unstoppable party killing machine. Take the peacock. Did you know that,despite their beautiful plumage, the peacock has a naturally horrible disposition and is the loneliest creature in the entire animal kingdom? It isn’t, but think how blown away you’d be right now if it were.
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Photography Fiona Garden
For the prize this month we have an assortment of women’s clothing courtesy of Karv. This Fall, Karv offers up comfortable form-fitting clothing with subtle accents. The end result is an effortlessly stylish look inspired by the streets of Amsterdam and London. Not literally though, as those streets are old and grimey. It’s the wonderful people who walk up and down these streets that inspired their Fall line. Enter to win at www.ionmagazine.ca. 14 IONMAGAZINE.CA
Model: Danielle Lizbell Agency
ION THE PRIZE
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Of THe MoNTh
DVDs BRICK Oh hey, it’s that kid from Third Rock from the Sun and he’s in another awesome indie flick. Fresh off his role in Mysterious Skin, Joseph Gordon-Levitt is trying to find his missing ex-girlfriend. All he has to work with is a bizarre phone call he got from her before she disappeared and a sneaking suspicion her shady friends are to blame. Normally a loner, he’s going to have to infiltrate his way into the seedy high school underworld and kick some ass to get to the bottom of the case. Oozing cool from beginning to end, Brick is the first high school film noire ever made. Sure it won an award at Sundance for originality of vision but Robert Redford didn’t need to tell you that. Maybe the Sundance Kid could tell us why Rudy from The Cosby Show or D.J. from Roseanne aren’t making movies like this?
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CACHE Having your own stalker isn’t as glamorous as it seems. Sure it’s flattering at first but then it just gets weird and scary. Some creep sends Juliette Binoche and Daniel Auteuil a video that was shot out front of their house. Then come the phone calls. Then a crayon drawing chicken with its head cut off and a video that was shot out front of the house Auteuil grew up in. After that, things get weirder. As the psychological warfare escalates the relevance of the word caché (hidden) becomes frighteningly evident. Director Michael Haneke tells a tale that’s suspenseful, intelligent and shocking. In fact, Caché might show that while Japanese filmmakers are having a good run as of late, the French still reign supreme when it comes to shocking the hell out of you. But most importantly, this film will give you some great ideas for new ways to fuck with your friends’ heads.
contributor eyesasbigastatas@yahoo.ca One of our lonely writers was reading through the “I Saw You’s” in the Georgia Straight. He was hoping someone saw him and nobody did, again. Oh, you poor lonely writer. But he did come across this peculiar “I Saw You” written by someone who attended our three-year anniversary party. It reads: “You are tall, dark and gorgeous and wore a white long sleeved shirt at the ION Party in April. I’m 1/2 Asian, petite and was wearing a black blazer. We chatted briefly and I was forced to leave early before we could exchange numbers! You stole my heart and I kick myself for not exchanging numbers with you. eyesasbigastatas@yahoo.ca.” So please write her back tall, dark, and gorgeous man in the white shirt. But don’t write her anything too saucy, as eyesasbigastatas@yahoo.ca is obviously her work email account. In response to this, the next issue will feature a new section in the back of the magazine called ION After Dark—featuring many ads for singles chat-lines, escort agencies and sensual massages.
EVENT Cheaper than a One Night Stand Our friends at Fracture Industries are back at it with the seventh installment of Cheaper Than A One Night Stand. You know the deal, amazing and original artwork all for the paltry fee of $200 a piece. This show promises to eclipse all former shows by featuring a highly diverse group of acclaimed local and international artists. So do your walls a favour and don’t miss this one. It’s time you got rid of those movie posters you got hanging up there anyways. 8pm, Saturday, September 9th Arthouse Gallery 1755 West 3rd Avenue in Vancouver www.fractureindustries.com
Game DEAD RISING
Pet PAJAMA
Ever get the feeling that video game makers are reading your mind when coming up with ideas for their projects? That’s what this game feels like. You’re a photojournalist in pursuit of a scoop. Before you know it you’re trapped in a mall in the middle of a zombie outbreak. While not technically based on Dawn of the Dead, it’s close enough. There’s a fun plot you need to follow to uncover what caused the outbreak and there are plenty of survivors who need your help. You can even practice your photography skills. But the real fun here is coming up with creative ways to kill zombies. They’ve come up with the perfect formula for fun here: make a game with the most weapons ever and the most zombies ever. It’s awesome. You can spend days coming up with creative ways to kills to zombies. Might I suggest a trip to the hardware store for a chainsaw? You can even grab a showerhead and jam it in a zombie’s skull so blood gushes out while it lurches around. You’re only limited by how perverse your brain is capable of thinking. Too much fun.
This cat’s owner claims that she took a trip to Europe and upon her return Pajama toilet trained himself. She goes to swear to God that she never attempted to get him to do it and that Pajama is some sort of kitty savant. Nice story, but we know she wrestled with Pajama for hours to get it to sit still for this picture and the cat still pees on her bed whenever it gets a chance. Send your pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your animal friend immortalized in print.
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ART
Dueling Brushes THE RBC Canadian Painting Competition
For young visual artists in Canada, there’s no greater prize than the one awarded in the annual RBC Canadian Painting Competition. Over 600 artists entered more than 1500 works in this year’s event (the eighth of it’s kind) hoping to snag a piece of the $55,000 prize money pie, and this month, the ultimate winner will be announced. Here’s what’s odd about the competition: even when considering the 15 semi-finalist works, it’s almost impossible to say what the judges were looking for. Each piece is vastly different, which on one hand makes sense, seeing as how the massively publicized call for submissions attracted competitors from all across the country. On the other, the wide range of styles represented feels bizarre. You likely won’t be able to figure out why one piece was favoured over another. Does it all come down to personal taste? The judges will probably say it doesn’t. According to Melony Ward, executive director of the Canadian Art Foundation, who released a statement about the competition via an official press release, “Selecting 15 pieces of work out of hundreds of incredible entries was a challenge, however, these 15 paintings made a strong impression on the judges and we know we will see all these artists go far in their careers.” The juries were made up of unbiased gallery owners, curators and directors from a variety of different cities. Vancouverites Abbas Akhavan, Matthew Brown and Holger Kalberg, are represented on the shortlist, as are Torontonians Kim Dorland and François Xavier Saint Pierre. Each has a chance at the $25,000 grand prize and two honourable mentions worth $15,000 each, and while it’s hard to say who will win, the exposure offered to semi-finalists seems like a prize in and of itself. In addition to being featured in Canadian Art magazine and online at the competition’s official website (www.rbc.com/ paintingcompetition) all of the semi-finalists will be featured in a touring exhibit that kicks off at the Museum of Contemporary Canadian Art in Toronto on September 8th, and hits Kitchener-Waterloo, Mon18 IONMAGAZINE.CA
Painting: Holger Kalberg
Words Jen Selk
treal and Calgary before ending up at the Contemporary Art Gallery in Vancouver in mid-November. “During the national tour, these artists will have an opportunity to exhibit their paintings in prominent galleries, which is not easily achieved at this point in their careers,” said Gay Mitchell, executive vice-president, RBC in a release. “We hope the RBC Canadian Painting Competition not only brings these talented artists into the spotlight but also raises awareness about the Canadian art scene as a whole.” Established in 1999, the competition intends to pay “tribute to Canada’s artistic talent.” They say, “the goal of the competition is to support and nurture Canadian visual artists early in their career by providing them with a forum to display their artistic talent to the country and hopefully open doors to future opportunity.” Of course, for the purpose of the competition, the beginning of an artist’s professional career is marked by a group or solo exhibition in a proper gallery, museum or artist-run-centre. Entrants are told that they should have completed basic training at an art institution or equivalent, and that they should have achieved recognition from
their peers through an exhibition record and/or media coverage. With that in mind, the competition may not really be representative of the true artistic population in this country, but you’ve got to admit, it’s a good opportunity. It almost makes you want to stop painting walls. The RBC Canadian Painting Competition 2006 Semi-Finalists Are Western Canada: Abbas Akhavan of Vancouver, Matthew Brown of Vancouver, David Foy and Jennifer Saleik of Calgary, Holger Kalberg of Vancouver and Melanie Rocan of Winnipeg. Ontario: Adam Brickell of Niagara Falls, Kim Dorland of Toronto, Martin Golland of Guelph, Dax Morrison of King City, and François Xavier Saint-Pierre of Toronto. Eastern Canada: Nicolas Grenier of Montreal, Dil Hildebrand of Montreal, Jonathan Johnson of Halifax, Daniel Langevin of Montreal and Luce Meunier of Montreal.
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ART
CONFESSION SESSION PostSecret
Words Sarah Hutchinson All of us love hearing other peoples’ secrets. I think it makes us feel more normal and secure to know that others have the same weird fetishes, are struggling through the same difficulties, or share our peculiar hatred of waterfowl. Frank Warren knows this best of all. He’s the man behind the massively popular online art community, PostSecret (www.postsecret. com), a place where anyone can reveal their innermost thoughts, expose their skeletons, or tell the world what’s really on their minds. Revelations are posted anonymously on the website at Frank’s discretion, and some have been collected into a book and are being featured in a traveling gallery exhibition. There are only two rules – you have to make your own postcard, the secret you reveal has to be true, and you must never have shared it with anyone before. Here, I chat with Frank about the ongoing project, and the secret-sharing phenomenon. First off, an easy question: Why did you start PostSecret? I have always felt that we all have rich interior lives that we never get a chance to share or see. What is your education/career background? Do you think it influenced you in terms of starting or developing the project? I have no artistic training or background. I consider myself an accidental artist. What makes you choose one postcard over another to post on
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the site? What makes you not post one? I try to pick the cards that I think visitors to the website will want to see. I pick secrets that are new and ones that communicate strong visually. I also like to include a variety of secrets so each week there will be at least one that is funny, sexual, hopeful, spiritual, remorseful, love related and work related. I try to arrange them in a way that tells a story about us. Why specify that the postcards must be homemade? I think they are more beautiful and authentic that way. When considering the art you receive, do you find you get more sad cards than happy ones? Many more sad ones, and if you think about it, that makes sense. If we have a happy secret, we want to share it with our friends and family. But the sad ones we bury inside. Do you think there is such a thing as a mundane secret? I don’t think there are mundane secrets, but there are some I get frequently. For example, every week I am reminded that many of us pee in the shower. Where do you see the secretsharing movement going in future? There is a new book of young people’s secrets coming out in October and I am traveling to college campuses and giving talks about the project Do you attend the exhibitions? Have you had people approach you who have posted secrets on the site? What is the experience like? The word they use most to describe their experience is “cathartic.” When was the last time YOU confessed a secret? I’m not Catholic so I am not required
to confess. Did I sidestep that successfully? Many of the submissions are altered or modified versions of post cards that can be bought in a store. Have you encountered any issues with claims of copyright infringement? Very little for the website and traveling art exhibit. A few have been vetted by my attorney for the books. Do you live by any particular philosophy? We are all on our own journey from the home we were born into toward the home we make for ourselves. Why do you think that people are compelled to submit entries to the website—to tell their secrets? I think on the website I have created an environment where a person can share a private secret without any social cost. Has anyone ever asked you to reveal the writer/artist behind a particular postcard? Sometimes I receive multiple emails from people sure that the same secret is from someone they know. They all want me to confirm a return address. I never do. I suggest instead that they choose to believe whatever will make their life more meaningful. On the website, you have a link to hopeline.com, which is a suicide-prevention hotline. Why? I have been a volunteer taking hopeline calls for over three years now. I have also lost a friend and family member to suicide. A New York Times review claimed, “[PostSecret] isn’t really a true confessional after all. It is a piece of collaborative art.” Do you agree with that? I would rather not define the project.
It is what it is. I am moved by it, and if others continued to be moved by it too, I will keep going. Do you have a favourite submission? Or one that stayed with you more than the others? A person mailed me a photograph and on the back wrote. “I steal small things from my friends to keep memories of how much I love them.” Sometimes I laugh when I read that, other times it makes me sad. It’s now my favourite poem. Are you an Elvis man or a Beatles man? I like them both. But if I had to pick which superpower I wanted between flying and being invisible, I would chose flying. Because sometimes seeing so many secrets makes me feel like I am invisibly watching people’s lives already. I’ve heard rumours about a documentary being filmed about PostSecret. Any truth to that? There are talks now but nothing is set. Were you originally surprised at the amount of artistic and creativity ability of the general public? For me, this was a great surprise. How courage can be more important than talent or technique in creating meaningful art. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Take the dog out to go pee. Pick up my New York Times. Walk downstairs and check my email. Can you envision a future without secrets appearing in your mailbox? I hope they never stop. There’s your secret.
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Sway through the Crowd 22窶オONMAGAZINE.CA
Photography: Mario Miotti www.mariomiotti.com Fashion Styling: Nadine Brown www.nvfashion.com Hair: Karine Gratton Make Up: Maxime Sanscartier Photo Assistant: Linda Trang Model: Billy Jazz Folio www.foliomontreal.com
to an Empty Space This Page: Body Suit -Courage My Love Leg warmers/Belt -H&M Silver Heels -Next Previous Page: Sweater -Club Monaco
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Shirt - H&M Body Suit - Courage My Love Leg warmers - H&M Gloves - Play Dead Clothing 24窶オONMAGAZINE.CA
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Top - H&M Skirt - H&M Tights - Le Chateau Clutch - Courage My Love Earrings - stylist’s own Pumps - Nine West 26 IONMAGAZINE.CA
Tank- H&M Vest - H&M Suspenders - H&M Earrings & Bracelets - stylist’s own IONMAGAZINE.CA 27
Previous Page: Top – Vasanji | Shorts – Barefoot Contessa | Boots – Bronx This Page: Sweater – Parasuco | Dress – Vasanji | Tutu – Mintage | Boots – Bronx Clothing: Top – Vasanji | Sweater – Parasuco
Sweater – Parasuco | Dress – Vasanji Tutu- Mintage | Boots – Bronx
Good SLAng Becomes Good Clothing FIVE FOUR
Words Elizabeth Wolber
We all love a new piece of slang. Wayne’s “Party on” became a mantra, “Peace out” a common valediction, and the insidious “That’s Hot” is impossible to ignore. Any number of words—or numbers, for that matter—can gain immortality when injected into the popular consciousness. “Five Four” is one such mimetic phrase that is now synonymous with a philosophy and a clothing line. Dee, one of Five Four’s forefathers, explains how it all started when he and co-founder Andreas were students at the University of Southern California business school. Some simple subtraction—“Five minus four equals one” —morphed into a message as all encompassing and benevolent as Aloha; “it means goodbye or one love.” “Five Four” got so popular, Dee and Andreas’ USC professors started uttering the words at the end of their classes. With USC faculty dispersing “Five Four” to lecture halls, Dee and Andreas realized that they were dealing with a fledgling catch phrase. So they made a few Five Four emblazoned hoodies for their friends, which quickly became as coveted as the slogan itself. Next came the business plan for the Five Four line, which served a dual role as their school project. Nurtured into maturity, Five Four is now a brand with a theory of inclusiveness. For Dee and Andreas, the ideology of the brand is paramount; “our whole thing was one love.” They refuse to categorize themselves; “we kind of cater to everybody, as opposed to saying we’re a street wear brand or we’re a skate brand or we’re a contemporary brand.” Five Four’s policy of global appeal extends to the design of their fall collection, inspired by Dee and Andreas’ diverse interests. “Creatively…we are definitely on our own,” says Dee, blending stylistic elements from hip-hop, rock, skateboarding, soccer- you name it, Five Four’s incorporated it into their line. The result is a strikingly diverse medley of blazers, jackets and hoodies unified by military inspired logos. Sporty track jackets tweaked with argyle and eccentric graphic tees and polos accent the collection. Five Four has already successfully unified the common American in adoration of their philosophy and their line, and now they are spreading the love into Canada. Perhaps we are witnessing the birth of an international catch phrase as well…Five Four. Five Four is available in Western Canada at Complex, Dipt, Urban You & Who’s Army Soular. In Ontario at Broadway, & Uptown In Quebec at City Styles & Elevation.
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MUSIC
MAkering It. Not FAkering It. ROCky VotoLAto
Words Natalie Vermeer Photography Todd M Duym If you want a good idea what Rocky Votolato is like, watch the video for “White Daisy Passing” off his latest album, Makers. It’s exactly what I remember of him when we met at the Sasquatch Festival earlier this year and I think he might even be wearing the same shirt in some shots. The camera follows him and his lady on a road trip, as they find delight in everything they see and do. While the lyrics beg “please slow it down, there’s a secret magic past world that you only notice when you’re looking back at it.” The video doesn’t posture him up to be the Jordan Catalano-like heartthrob of teen soap opera soundtracks, like it easily could have. Yet it displays his charm through his smiling eyes and earnest cigarette-scarred vocals. Votolato has been making music for a substantial portion of his life. The Seattle-based singer/guitar and harmonica player recalls,“I’ve kinda had it from a young age that I’ve wanted to be either a musician or an actor. [I] just always kinda felt that I would someday. I still think that I probably will do [the latter]. It’s definitely a natural talent in my family—we can sing and play guitar and stuff. My uncle started the tradition and my older brother, me and my younger brother all play.” You may remember Votolato from Waxwing, the folky punk band he was in with his younger brother Cody, who you may know from The Blood Brothers. But his musical history does not start there. “I used to be in this band,” recalls Votolato. “They were called Republic of Freedom Fighters; they were like an underground punk band. [And] years ago, a band called Breakwater and then they went on to become a band called Frog Eyes. Carey is a good friend of mine. I have a Canadian connection! I’m also friends with some of the guys from Hot Hot Heat [like] Dustin. He was part of the music scene I grew up in. I saw him recently, well, last year some time. Yah, I always like seeing those guys. It reminds me of when I was young.” He laughs and despite being under 30 proclaims, “I’m sooo old now! I started when I was really young. I was already in bands and going to shows and playing shows by the time I was 15.” He has four solo albums out and is now very comfortable using his own name rather than having the shield of a band moniker. “I view my name as a project—the Rocky project,” he explains.“It just becomes like a band name and 36 IONMAGAZINE.CA
you sort of develop a different persona for that but at the same time for me it’s very authentic. So I guess there’s a little bit of danger in that. It’s always a little bit nerve-racking if you’re putting yourself out there and being honest. You can become a target for people.” Makers was a target of eager downloaders before its release earlier this year. “I have no problem downloading, honestly,” Votolato offers. “Just let me finish my record first. That’s my only thing. I’m just a self-conscious artist. I just think [downloading an album prior to its release is] intrusive. If you’re still working on something, why should someone steal it and then be able to check it out before you’re done? I worked really hard on that record, you know. I spent two years on it. It was a very private, personal experience and I didn’t want people judging me before it was done! That’s my only complaint. And that’s why I said something about it on my MySpace thing.” “But I don’t really think that people who have downloaded my music off of the Internet or burned my CDs for free or whatever… I don’t think that’s bad at all,” he explains. “I’d like it if they support me in some way at some point, like come to a show, buy a CD at some point, buy a t-shirt, whatever, but more importantly, I’d rather have people be exposed to the music, you know?” Besides starting work on a new album, Rocky Votolato is raising two kids with his wife which can make touring extra challenging. “Normally, for tours, [we can’t go together]. It is hard for me to travel a lot and I have had to, more and more, as the record’s done better. It’s doing really well right now, at least in the U.S., hopefully in Canada soon. After this comes out, you know, it’s gonna blow up!” he says while laughing. Votolato has already received great press, like in Rolling Stone and Spin, but that hasn’t seemed to change his humble and friendly demeanor. “A lot of the press was great this time around,” he agrees:“Like, I was actually getting press which was amazing!” And perhaps to ensure I don’t forget his charm, he ends our talk with,“Is that good enough? I hope I didn’t say anything stupid.”
Rocky Votolato’s album, Makers, is available on Barsuk Records and you can view “White Daisy Passing” at www.barsuk.com/bands/rockyvotolato.
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DON’T CALL IT A COMEBACK VASHTI BUNYAN Words Chris Walters About 35 years ago, a young girl in her late teens decided to take her love of music to a new level by recording bits and pieces of what would later become Just Another Diamond Day. While looking for a label, Vashti Bunyan found she had a fan: Rolling Stones manager/producer Andrew Loog Oldham. But she decided to cut her ties and go traveling with the hopes of meeting fellow singer-songwriter Donovan at his artsy, hippie gathering at the Isle of Skye. With her beautiful album Just Another Diamond Day going almost completely under the radar, Vashti left the city and music all together for a quiet life of raising her children in the country. After years of living in almost complete obscurity, the Internet and a dear friend convinced her that her music was both brilliant and captivating and she should try and make a new record after 30 years. Finally in 2005 we have Lookaftering, Vashti’s haunting new album of homespun, pastoral songs that perhaps trumps her previous effort some 30 years ago. Now we are about to see her embark on her first North American tour ever, and I think we are all in anticipation of hearing and seeing her perform live. I had the opportunity to sit down and have a conversation with this lost legend while she was nursing a cold before the upcoming tour. Vashti Bunyan: Sorry if I am very croaky but I have a cold… ION: Oh no, that’s terrible. How is 38 IONMAGAZINE.CA
that affecting the tour? Well it’s really funny because I’ve been playing live now since February and all the time thinking I must not get a cold. And then immediately when I stopped playing I got a cold. But I’m getting it over with before I come to the United States so I’m pretty happy about that. Are you excited about your first tour overseas? I am. I am so excited I can’t tell you. Even this time last year, I couldn’t imagine that this was going to happen, so I think this will be very exciting. Initially, were you hesitant to start touring? I was, yes. I didn’t know if I was able to do it. I’ve not done anything like this in my life before. I wasn’t sure how, or if I was going to do it. But we did do some dates around Europe, and I said that if they went well then I would do some more. They did do well and I loved it and I was kicking myself for never having done it before.The musicians I was with were so wonderful. It was the first experience of me having a band to play with and that was just brilliant. I loved every minute of it! How do you feel about all of the press? Well, sometimes I think that it is happening to somebody else. I can’t believe that it is happening to me, but it is very enjoyable. It is actually quite helpful to me to talk about the things that have happened because, for so many years, I have put it out of my mind. So in a way, it is quite good to make myself think about all of the things that have happened over the years; to put them in their right place and to appreciate how very lucky I am to come back to music after I had left it behind so thoroughly.
At what point did you leave music? I think I just thought that I was a terrible failure and that I had so loved music—recorded music, the whole process of recording music—but it didn’t get any response. You know I tried for a long time—between the ages of 17 and I think it was 25— when I gave up and I tried really hard. I just thought that it was no use. I think it is very different now with the use of the Internet and music press. You get much more feedback now than you used to get. And also, from fellow musicians, it is really different now. I think suddenly the musicians that I have come across have been so generous to each other, so uncompetitive really… really welcoming, and respectful of each other’s music. I think in the 1960’s when I was starting out nobody would ever say what I was doing was any good or not. The only yardstick I had was whether the record was doing good or not. Since some of the songs never even came out they didn’t get that far so the conclusion that I came to was that I shouldn’t be doing this and so I left. What made you re-connect with music? Firstly it was the Internet. It was discovering through the Internet that songs I have written had survived… they were not lost. People were talking about them and people were discussing them. The things that were being said about them were all that was never said when they were current. It made me take up my guitar again and find more…. It was an extraordinary feeling really. When I was very young I was fascinated with recording music, I was fascinated by the process, but things were very different then. Also it was different then because I was a girl. I was shy and I was very young. And the producer was the producer
and the singer was the singer… you didn’t get to be in the control box. But with a computer, it was my own tiny virtual studio and I get my hands on the faders and am able to record arrangements. You know I can’t read or write music but I can write down arrangements and put it into the computer and communicate with another musician in a way that I had never been able to do before…That was totally new for me. I have heard that you were quite the rebellious child, is this accurate or just journalistic fodder? I like to think of myself as a rebellious child really, but I was born into a family where my older sister and brother were born before and during the war and I was born after it. We were allowed much more freedom; I certainly was in my own family. I was allowed to be pretty independent and though I was pretty much trouble as far as my family thought, it allowed me to look at the world in a slightly different way. Is that how you ended up at art school? Yeah (laughs), I think nobody knew quite what to do with me. I was from a fairly academic and medical family and I was deemed to be the arty one; which is sort of code for ‘well we don’t know what else to do with her.’ My parents were very anxious for how I was going to turn out and probably quite rightly. How do you feel about everything now? Absolutely fine, I have no regrets, I know that if I had pursued music more, or if I had done what I am doing now back then, I think I would not have been able to give the time I did to my children, maybe not have even had them the same way, and certainly not the same children, and so
MUSIC I have absolutely no regrets… I am a very lucky person; looking back I am amazed at what has happened to me. I have heard some rumours about unreleased material finally getting released. Is this true? Well yes. In fact I had a meeting about it yesterday and it looks like it is going to happen… it is the singles and demos from before Diamond Day when I was recording stuff by myself. I am looking forward to that because some of that stuff is really…. different (laughter). Now I feel that people are more respectful about what they have to say about their work and how they want to present it, as they did back in the 60’s. Freak Folk. What do you think about this label people seem to lump you and many others into? It is very difficult. I mean to me, I have never really thought of myself as a folk singer. I have never thought of my songs as folk songs. Certainly in the British tradition, it is very difficult. Because people say if they are not folk songs what are they? And if you are not a folk singer what are you? I don’t know. I have nothing to say that would encompass what I would do, and talking to Devendra [Banhart] he has the same problems. Something like Freak Folk doesn’t really say it at all, but he has come up with this word ‘naturalismo’ which I probably think is about right. But whether it will be taken up I don’t know… I like it and I think that it says it closer than anything I can think of. Any future collaborations coming up? There are various things in the pipeline that I really can’t mention yet, but there are some things coming up that I am really looking forward to.
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WELCOME TO OUR LIFE OUR MERCURY
Words Marielle Kho Photo Ashley Armstrong I really appreciate insanely catchy music, and when that music is coupled with visually orgasmic album art, all the better. Edmonton’s Our Mercury has released an album, From Below, which satisfies both these requirements. Oh, the joys of both and audio and visual stimulation. Drummer, John Watson, discusses these and the touchy subject of Simple Plan. How’s the tour going so far? The tour went pretty sweet. I’m actually back at home now, laying in my own bed, and getting back to work. Did you get a good response from your fans? With tours when you’re not really well-known in all parts of the country, it’s up and down. We have some sweet shows where people show up and totally dug it, but there are other shows where people are just sitting there, trying to drink in peace. It happens sometimes, but we’ve been around long enough to not get too discouraged. You guys are played a show in your hometown, Edmonton, called EdFest. The advertisements said, however, that you opened for Simple Plan. You guys have been playing as a band since you were in grade 5, and I would assume that that’s been longer than Simple Plan have been playing. How did you guys, who’ve been around longer, end up opening for Simple Plan, in your hometown? Well, you know, when bands are willing to do whatever it takes to become famous, then sometimes they have success. The funny thing is, we were around when those guys were in a band called Reset, and I was actually into that stuff. It was political and optimistic music played by angst-filled teens. But now I guess they realized that the market is geared towards 12-year old girls. I think that if we felt like it, we could tailor our music to that kind of an audience, but, realistically, we wouldn’t really do that. I don’t think we’d be able to live with ourselves. I don’t want to knock those guys because I don’t really know them, but that’s probably what they’re into. I guess they love that kind of music. I would prefer to play music that I would want to seek out and listen to. Our Mercury has opened for Guttermouth, Good Riddance, 88 Fingers Louie, and other bands in the past when you guys were as young as 15 years old. Was that daunting at all? And what kind of response were you guys getting back then? That’s always part of the ol’ press package. Throwing bands names like that around seems a little silly to us, considering it happened 10 years ago and it really didn’t take us anywhere. We got enough crowd response from it, but it wasn’t like it made us famous. Maybe it made a couple people around town think we were pretty badass. But even at that time, when I was that young, I realized that playing those shows was not as fun as playing at some community hall to 100 people that were our fans. I mean, it was pretty much the same with 40 IONMAGAZINE.CA
our show with Simple Plan, and I shudder to mention it, Fefe Dobson (sorry Fefe, if you’re reading this). It’s just not the same as playing smaller, intimate shows. There were probably a lot of 12-year old girls there, though. That’s true! But really, we don’t put a lot of effort into these things. We don’t think that it’s gonna change anything for us. We’re always going to be one of those bands that people take awhile to get into. It doesn’t seem like we’ve ever had it easy. There are never loads of people lining up to buy a disc after a show. It just never happens like that. We’ve seen a lot of bands around our city, and it happens.They do the right thing, the flavor of the month thing, and people are going nuts for it. It doesn’t faze us though. We love our music and we love playing it. I just believe that at some time, people will start digging it. If you love what you’re doing, then there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. So, by playing with older and more established bands like the ones mentioned, did you learn anything about band dynamics and did that influence Our Mercury at all? I wouldn’t say those bands influenced us, because that was years ago, and I was a 15-year old kid. We were just playing because we thought it was sweet; I couldn’t believe what was happening at that age. We did do a little tour with Moneen a couple months back, and those guys actually did have a pretty big effect on me. I saw the way that they operate as a band and what it takes to really be in a serious band; total dedication, commitment, total professionalism.Those guys show up and are so nice to everyone they encounter and treat them with the utmost respect. Nobody in the audience would be able to tell if they had a bad show, because they put so much into making sure that everything goes well. And that really did have an effect on all of us in the band. We were pretty impressed by it. It made us look at the things that we weren’t really up to snuff with. There are a lot of details that need to be attended to. The only thing we’ve really worked our asses off for is our music. All the little things that are supposed to help a band out when you’re on the road, like merch, we sometimes lack. Now I know why those guys can tour across Canada and draw 300-500 people everywhere, because they did it, back and forth, and didn’t give up, and now, look where they are. Our Mercury has been playing together for more than 10 years. Have you noticed any difference between today’s punk rock scene versus what it was 10 years ago? This is going to sound perverted, but I must say that the kids at today’s shows are lucky because when I was that age, there were no cute girls. They’re lucky kids. Other than that, there weren’t a lot of punk bands when we first started out. We ended up getting a lot of shows because of that. But now, anyone can start their own band, and not all of them are going to be good. I also think, nowadays, the scene is a lot more diverse, there is no entrenched scene that is divided, like the hardcore scene or the ska scene. There will be lots of bands from totally different genres playing together. I absolutely love the album art on your record, From Below. Can you tell me more and what the design is and who designed it? It was actually designed by our bass player’s girlfriend. I hate talking about it because it sounds so dorky and cheesy when you explain the concept behind it, but to me, it does mean something. With the whole earth and growth concept,
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there’s definitely an effort nowadays to try and create more vegetation, plant more trees around town so that you’re not surrounded by concrete. Being in the city all the time, you begin to miss nature. I find myself longing for the days when there were only tiny little cities, and everyone lived in trees [laughs]. Wow, that’s a lot deeper than I expected. Also with the title, From Below, it kind of represents the growth of our band. We started out in a basement, and we feel like we’ve been working our way out of the basement. It kind of fits in with the whole metaphor of the concept of organic growth. I couldn’t find an official Our Mercury website. Does one exist? No.That’s one of those details that I was talking about.We totally slacked in that area. Since the band doesn’t have a website, you might as well check out their MySpace page (www.myspace.com/ourmercury) or the website of their record label, Smallman Records at www.smallmanrecords.com. IONMAGAZINE.CA 41
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POSTER ART STACEY CASE
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Stacey Case’s posters are one part propaganda and one part luchador. With close to 15 years of screenprinting experience under his belt, he has the perfect design. Be it for the Tijuana Bibles taking on the Supersuckers in a battle for Rock ‘n’ Roll supremacy or Nacho Libre taking on Ramses in a battle for some orphan’s dinner. Aside from giving us the first picture of a topless nun we’ve ever run in this magazine, Stacey is giving the city of Toronto something equally different: organized pillow fighting. As founder and commissioner of the Pillow Fight League Stacey is your go to guy if you’re looking to watch well trained female assassins kick the crap out of each other with pillows. www.merchguy.com www.gopfl.com
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ALBUM REVIEWS
Audio Ahdeo Awdio Let’s Prevent Noise by Ourselves Totally Square I just finished Daniel Clowes graphic novel Ice Haven. Clowes, known best for Ghost World, is utterly dedicated to honesty. He’s honest with the reader, and most importantly, honest with himself. Like Clowes, Chris Von Szombathy’s Audio Ahdeo Awdio project is blatantly honest. Let’s Prevent Noise by Ourselves is an electronic album sans lyrics. How can something be honest without words? Well, you simply have to listen to it (www.chrisvonszombathy.com). This isn’t a “cool” album, nor is this the next mash-up dream or Berlin techno trash.Triple A (as I like to call the project) is a piece of undeniable craftsmanship. Reminiscent of early μ-Ziq albums, these 11 tracks are the result of a
sort of thing, and clearly these guys don’t. Check it before you wreck it. 3/5
-Bryce Dunn
Every Move A Picture Heart = Weapon V2 Another month, another wannabe Franz Ferdinand… San Francisco’s Every Move A Picture is here to let you know they haven’t gotten rid of their Gang Of Four and Clash records. Heart = Weapon is packed full of semi-political dance-punk the likes of which we’ve been inundated with for years now. The only thing that kinda sets them apart is the production and keyboard of Allen Davis, whose trance-y synth work on “Signs Of Life” easily makes that the highlight of their debut release. Note to record execs: please stop signing these bands. Enough is enough already.
keen ear for sound. Circuit bending, guitars, and
1.5/5
synthesizers are woven into the irresistible cheer-
Mika Miko C.Y.S.L.A.B.F. Kill Rock Stars
ful pieces that sound like the love child of kitschy French electronic pioneers Perry and Kinsley. Like Clowes, Szombathy is utterly himself. There’s no kowtowing to musical trends. Triple A is beautifully original. And bless him for it. 4/5
-Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Five ladies from L.A. start the riot (just don’t call Robert Robot
The Bronx S/T Island/White Drugs “Let’s take our time, let’s get this right!” is the battle cry of the four horsemen of the apocalypse that is The Bronx. Seems appropriate considering nearly three years elapsed between their ball-busting de-
‘em riot girrlz) wherever they happen to plug inalleys, basements, coffee shops-it doesn’t matter, MM will knock your socks off while the rest of your clothes follow suit. Barely in their twenties, they write decidedly simple, but ultimately catchy Slits-inspired “pony thrash” that wields a wallop and leaves you begging or more. Bonus points to whomever can decipher the origins of the disc’s anagram title-there’s a free gig in your living room for the winner.
but and this leap to the big time, but their chops
4.5/5
are still intact, their fangs still dripping with the
Relay Type/Void EP Bubblecore
blood of past conquests. A whirlwind of hard rock sleaze, 80’s hardcore slash and biting commentary on the sad state of the lower class brats that
44 IONMAGAZINE.CA
pearance on “White Guilt” if you care about that
-Bryce Dunn
inhabit the city of angels is what fuels the fire in
Type/Void is essentially a teaser single for a new
songs like “Dead Leaves” and “Transsexual Black-
prospect from Bubblecore (Mice Parade, HiM), in
out (The Movement)” among others. Gilby (“Look
light of the fact that the Joy Zipper indie chamber
mom, I’m on reality TV!”) Clarke makes a guest ap-
pop meets Radio 4 dance-punk “Driver” will be the
MUSIC only number featured on the upcoming Relay full
the finishing touches on a collaborative album
length. As a tease, it works really well. I can’t wait
with indie darling MF Doom, so now is the time to
to hear more. The Philadelphia foursome’s brand
get down with the man before he explodes. That
of synth distortion shoegaze helps to fill the siz-
is, if you’re truly committed to being cutting edge.
able void left behind by My Bloody Valentine.
While hope remains high for the Doom album,
They’re too tame to actually fill said void, but the
truth be told, The Blaxploitation Sessions is pretty
effort is appreciated. At least they’re not another
hit and miss. Sci’s rhymes are of consistent quality,
Franz Ferdinand clone, eh?
rapping about honest social issues like respecting
3.5/5
-Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Alice Russell Under The Munka Moon II Tru Thoughts
your elders and whatnot, so that is not the problem. It’s the beats. “Eatin’ Watermelon” and the static-looped “Count On My Soul” are deliciously
There’s a lot of myth surrounding Chad VanGaalen. He enjoys busking, he makes his own instruments,
fast as they are heard. Even still, these guys piss
and he put an album out that got picked up by
on everything 50 Cent has ever produced.
SubPop, despite being from Calgary. That said, it’d
Trainwreck Riders Lonely Road Revival Alive Records
sequel largely consists of remixes originally taken from her previous two albums, as well as a few random collaborations that collectively run the elec-
-Filmore Mescalito Holmes
tronica gamut from downtempo to drum and bass.
The boys of Trainwreck Riders have grown a follow-
After hearing the three live musician cuts, includ-
ing through their laidback approach to playing un-
ing a classic cover of Al Kooper’s “I Love You More
usual places in their hometown of San Francisco.
Than You’ll Ever Know,” I think Alice’s unmatched
It’s no surprise that their debut effort has that same
voice deserves to be paired up with a small jazz
relaxed and stripped down vibe. Pure alt country at
band instead of the funky breaks producers they
heart, they’re young guys with an old school men-
keep giving her. Sure, AIice demonstrates her
tality. Kicking off with the opening track, “Through
versatility as a vocalist, but the Baub, DJ Vadim,
Unto the End,” their joint lazed vocals and twangy
and Bugz In The Attic mixes here are all horribly
intertwined guitars solidify the mood until the last
cheesy and work to drown her commanding pres-
track. Andrew Kerwin and Pete Frauenfelder share
ence instead of letting it take center stage. She
lead vocal duties that are ragged and nasally and
could blow Joss Stone out of the water if given
it works. But there’s no hoe down here. Highlights
a real chance.
include the slow waltz of “Christmas Time Blues,”
3.5/5
-Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Scienz Of Life The Blaxploitation SessionS Shaman Work
Chad VanGaalen Skelliconnection Flemish Eye/SubPop
Dubble’s “Y” suffer under comparatively banal
her third compilation/album in as many years. Tru
say, “If you’ve got it, flaunt it.” The Munka Moon
-Emily Khong
beats that are, at least for me, forgotten almost as
3/5
in that feisty little pocket diva, as Mel Brooks would
4/5
nerd. The opening track “flower gardens” is a fist pump worthy rock song that will totally catch you off guard. With “red hot drops” and “viking rainbow” VanGaalen dabbles with ambient electronica and broken beats to accompany his gentle guitars and vocals. Perhaps the lyric that best sums it up is off of “gubbish” where VanGaalen repeatedly chants “I’m never going to sleep” as this album is definitely no snoozer. Keep your eye on this guy. 4/5
-Michael Mann
abstract, but tracks like “Hip-Hop Rwanda” and K
The Alice Russell soul train keeps on trucking with Thoughts sure knows they have something special
so bring on the booze fest and heartbreak.
be easy to dismiss this guy’s debut Infiniheart as some quirky fluke. On his second full-length Skelliconnection, VanGaalen shows he isn’t about to fade into obscurity any time soon and that acoustic lightening can strike twice. Yes the sentimental folk songs are still there but this album offers up a more eclectic experience with some bite and is sure to appeal to more than your typical music
featuring the harmonica and tugging line, “take that noose and set me loose” and the jam outro to “In the Wake of it All.” The album is full of chugging melody lines, heavy lyrical imagery of traveling and hurting and hints of Bay Area punk in the drumming—the rhythms of which alone are enough to keep you interested. More than a few tracks like “To the Grave” and “In & Out of Love” are reminiscent of The Magic Numbers’ way they have extended instrumental grooves and their sunny
Scienz Of Life is a joint project between beatsmith
folk poppiness. The Riders will be in the good com-
I.D. 4 Windz and emcee Lil’ Sci. Sci is just putting
pany of Jenny Lewis and Bright Eyes soon enough,
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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang
Her face was a mixture between Jamal Mashburn and Victor Yushchenko. She had the sturdy legs of a high school hockey coach. If her torso were a fruit it would have been a December Jack-O-lantern, stood on its side. In her defense, she was a grateful and enthusiastic lover; unfortunately, her erotic gumption just could not make up for the cruel symphony of evolutionary misdeeds that comprised her unfortunate appearance. My name is Sam, and she was the ugliest woman that I have ever had sex with. There are more self-help groups out there than one might think. My parents are irrational so they suggested that I get ‘professional help’ for my not-havinga-job ‘problem.’ Initially, this suggestion upset me. However, after brief consideration I realized that this ‘professional help’ idea would just buy me more time without a job. I conducted an exhaustive search and found a self-help group that met each Thursday. Meetings were held in the foyer of a destitute building across from the park in the bad area of town. Once inside, I went directly to the free coffee. While pouring myself a cup I met Ramone, a middle-aged man in an unimpressive suit. He was bald, overweight, and smelled strongly of whiskey. We immediately bonded. 46 IONMAGAZINE.CA
We sat, 12 in total, in a circle on folding chairs. Everyone stared disinterestedly at one another until Ramone, sitting to my immediate left, stood up and began the meeting. “Good afternoon gentlemen. Its good to see all of you again. To the newcomers this week: welcome. I hope you can enjoy our gathering this afternoon. Hell, tell us a story if you feel comfortable. We meet here as an open forum to voice our opinions of the women in our lives. We shall not judge one another based on what we hear, and all heard will be kept in absolute secrecy. Gentlemen, welcome to our last bastion of freedom.” The first to speak was a 50-year-old Chinese gambler, who was dressed in all black, chain-smoked, and insisted that you call him uncle. He adjusted his sunglasses, exhaled a plume of grey smoke and began: “I met a woman at the casino last week. I had just hit rock bottom on the roulette table when I saw her. She wasn’t much, but I had lost it all and I needed some more excitement. Do you know cartoons? She looked like a little, Chinese, Launchpad McQuack…” As the night went on, these brave men stood and told increasingly disturbing tales of grief, despair, embarrassment and shame. With every mention of a night with an amputee, or a screaming match with a female coworker, I felt my spirits lifted. As my moral bankruptcy was equaled and surpassed, I finally realized that I was not alone. “…If a man has no luck with gambling he will have no luck with women. You have to make your own luck, you see. You have to want the thrill of victory without ever fearing the agony of defeat. Females are like dogs gentlemen; they can smell fear. That is what life is all about: having the balls to play the cards that you are dealt.”
HOROSCOPEs Words Ernold Sane
‘‘You’re tired of meeting new people and explaining how much better you are than them.As the end of summer draws near you’ll realize that these people aren’t worth the spit on your toothbrush or the scabs you pick off your face.Turn your back on these people like Mel Gibson to the Jews and you are destined to mild happiness. ’’ — Virgo Aug 23-Sept 23 Libra Sept 24-Oct 23 The summer has improved your blotchy tan and taken the attention away from your thin greasy hair and missing chin. However whenever you walk into a room everyone can smell your dirty dungeon you dirt-bag. Shower twice a day and try to look less like a rapist.
Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 Your lies are circling all around you to the point where you actually believe people would want to have a threesome with you! Get over yourself, ugly. You’re repulsive and the only threesome you’d be welcomed into would be in a Cambodian monkey’s den and even THEY would throw feces at you.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 So you think 90210 is cool? Well aren’t you a fucking genius. Luke Perry will always be ultra-cooler than you because he too was a middleaged man with a whisky chin trying
to pick up 19 year olds by luring them with drugs. Party on, you irrelevant weasel!
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 If I was your Dad, when you were two I would have locked you in the car with the windows up and let you sweat to 1920’s gospel music. This is because today you are the most ungodly pile of dogshit with nothing to look forward to but cancer.
AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb 19 You don’t drink for fun, you drink to piss. You should piss off. You’re a piss stain. With Saturn in Jupiter you have strongly dedicated your time towards befriending the lower grade scenesters (known to others as snakes on a plane). You are the Bai Ling of the city and you’ve slept with the ugliest people to get to the bottom of the pile.
PISCES Feb 20-March 20 You’ve been financially happy and
you’ve taken the time to splurge on yourself. Hopefully the hooker wasn’t lying when she said she was clean. As summer winds down, you’ll lose about 15lbs and your tan will fade to forest green.
ARIES March 21-April 20 With your current job and goals for the future, you should hit freedom 50 at about 106. Keep plugging in that overtime and stealing tip money from your co-workers. They all call you ‘fat Britney’ so don’t feel too bad.
TAURUS April 21-May 21 Your overdone rocker look is draining to look at and quite frankly you look like Dave Navarro or one of his sex victims. Flush your face down the toilet and continue to never wash your poo fingers when you crap.
GEMINI May 22-June 21 Tom Cruise is creepier now than when he was in Interview with a Vampire. You are creepy but you just don’t know
it. Whenever you talk about sex you think it’s turning your friends on, but it’s disgusting and you need to stop. Bloody underwear is more stimulating than your sex life.
Cancer June 22-July 22 Your loss of weight has helped you accomplish the AIDS look you were reaching for. Unfortunately no one cares if you’re dead or not coz you’re a crap waste of skin who has The Killers as number one on their list of bands to groupie. You’ll always be a groupie.
Leo July 23-Aug 22 You’ll probably never marry. At least you can come to terms with the fact that no one is capable of loving you or caring enough about how many fake friends you have on the Internet. But it’s okay. Because when your life comes to a slow end, all your MySpace bulletins will be looked over. by God and he’ll give you a clean neck scarf.
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