ION Magazine issue 33

HOMEGROWN HORROR Junior Boys THE SWORD S&MAN

FREE OCT 06

for info call: 514-389-9495

tel: 514-389-9495

This MoNTh in Ion 10

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Editor’s Letter The Church of Satan is looking for a few outstanding individuals. Yankee rose.

Of the Month Video games about hockey, movies about art school, tickets to The Detroit Cobras and there’s a cat in your underwear drawer.

Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam is a creep.

Horoscopes ION’s in-house astrologist is scratching at your car window with his rusty hook for a hand!

The Perry Bible Fellowship

ARTs & CULTURE 14 Rock, Paper, Scissors It looks a little too strenuous for us. We’ll wait until the video game version comes out, thank you.

FASHION 16

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Twice Shy Sexy and sustainable. Next month in ION, how to have your cake and eat it too.

Kulpa Squeeze into a pair.

Dead Ringer You goth served!

FILM 28 S&MAN October is great because you can get away with covering disgusting movies made by a sick fuck.

30 Homegrown Horror The Novices of Horror.

MUSIC 32

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Junior Boys Better than Junior Mints even though their music won’t make your breath smell good.

The Awkward Stage Funeral home employee by night. Rock star by later night.

The Subhumans Crusty old punks making a comeback.

The Sword in the stoner.

Poster Art: Yo Rodeo! Poster Co! Damn fine! Poster art!

Album Reviews

Volume 4 Number 8 Issue 33 Publisher

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Art Director Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Advertising DJ Lampitt dj@ionmagazine.ca

Elizabeth Wolber lib@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editor Agata Zurek Website Andrew Bobic Additional design work Erin Ashenhurst Contributing Writers: Paul Borchert, Devon Cody, Tara Conley, Arthur Crumins, Ian Macmillen, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sam Kerr, Marielle Kho, D.B. LeHouillier, Ernold Sane, Adam Simpkins, Elizabeth Wolber Contributing Photographers: Toby Marie Bannister, Angela Fama, Jimmy Hubbard, Jason Lang, , Syx Langemann, Mark Maryonvich, Timothy Saccenti, Kate Szatmari ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. Highresolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an Xbox 360 can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Xbox 360.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9ION Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover and Contents Photography: Kate Szatmari - www.kateszphoto.com Model: Drea fr. Next - www.nextmodels.ca

7INTER @ AT "OYS #O

Oakridge | Metropolis | 1044 Robson St | Richmond Centre | Boysco.com

EDITOR’S LETTER

Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

In only cost me $200 to join the Church of Satan, and it did wonders for me, so I recommend you do the same. The Satanists get a pretty bad rap. People tend to get hung up on the whole worshipping the devil thing. But if you can see past that, you’ll find they’re really good people who throw awesome parties. The last one I went to—a particularly debaucherous affair—had a bunch of CEOs and politicians in attendance and was great for networking. I can’t tell you which ones because it’s kind of like Fight Club and you’re not allowed to talk about it. But when you join, along with the tastefully embossed crimson membership card that gets you 15% off a bucket of KFC chicken at KFC, you get a list of all the Satanists living in your area. So join, and you’ll find out.

I dabbled with Christianity and all they wanted from me was to accept Jesus into my heart; which anyone can do. The Church of Satan is a bit more discerning. For example, you have to fill out a lengthy application form and answer questions like “Tell us one of your favourite jokes,” “Describe a significant experience in your life bordering on what you would consider paranormal or demonic,” and “What are your favourite alcoholic beverages.” After you fill out the form and mail it to them (they don’t accept emails), along with a cheque for $200, you’re on your way to becoming a card carrying member of the Church of Satan.

While you’re waiting for your application to get processed—it can take six to eight weeks—their site takes you through a neat little ritual you can perform: Light a candle and place the Sigil of Baphomet in front of you (don’t make the rookie mistake of using a pentagram. The Sigil of Baphomet and the pentagram are actually quite different. The pentagram is a circle with an upside down star in it.

While the Sigil of Baphomet is a circle with an upside down star in it with a goat’s head in the upside down star); Gaze into the flame; Inhale the nastiness and exhale the goodness; Get in a real evil state of mind; Then repeat the words,“I am ready, oh Dark Lord. I feel your strength within me and wish to honour you in my life. I am one of the Devil’s Own. 10 IONMAGAZINE.CA

Hail Satan!”

When I first performed this ceremony, as soon as the words, “Hail Satan!” lovingly left my mouth, the landline rang. The call-display read ‘blocked’ but I answered it anyways. It was someone from the Church of Satan.“Hello Michael,” he said.“We’re just looking through your application right now and it shows promise.”

“Oh weird,” I replied, “I was just meditating in front of my Sigil of Baphomet.”

“Yeah, we know. We can sense when people do that.”

“That’s kind of funny how you called me on my home line. I thought I only gave you my cell number,” I said remembering that my mom would freak if someone were to leave a message from the Church of Satan.

“Don’t worry about that. We have a few questions we’d like to ask you about your application, if you have a minute.”

“Shoot.”

“Okay, why did you lie about being a smoker on your application?”

“Well, quite frankly, I don’t know how you could possible tell I’m a smoker.”

“We know Michael. Export ‘A’ Ultra-Light regular.

We also know that you frequently lie to others when they ask how much you smoke.”

“You guys are good. You’re gonna have to tell me how you do that sometime.”

“And when we asked, ‘what’s the most embarrassing thing you do?’ you didn’t reply with ‘frequently clip your toe nails with your teeth.’”

“Okay, you’re starting to weird me out now. How did you know that?”

“Stop asking questions and start answering ours or we will spill your blood you God-fearing choirboy!

We have seen where you sleep.”

In a panic, I quickly hung up. This was too weird.

The phone rang again and I answered.

“Me again,” he said and chuckled ominously.

“Look, I don’t know who you are but please leave me alone.” And I slammed down the phone again.

It kept ringing and I kept hanging up. After the tenth

time, I decided to call the operator and get the number blocked so this nut job couldn’t harass me any more.

“Look there’s someone who keeps calling me and I want them to stop,” I explained to the operator.

“Here’s what I’ll do,” she said.“I’ll stay on the line and when this guy calls back I’ll trace the call and block it.” Sure enough, as I was talking to the operator I got the call waiting signal and switched lines.

“Who is it?” I answered rather smugly.

“It’s the Church of Satan motherfucker. Stay on the line and listen or else. I know about your pitiful plot to block me. I know that the operator is listening. Block my number all you want. It won’t matter.

You can’t hide from pure evil incarnate….”

“Michael,” the operator chimed in, “I’ve got a trace on the number but I can’t block it.”

“Why? Is it because blocking numbers isn’t in my phone package?”

“No Michael, because we can’t block numbers that coming from inside your house!”

ION THE PRIZE Photography Syx Langemann

For the prize this month we have an assortment of jeans courtesy of D66. D66 is a young, contemporary denim brand that is dedicated to the fashionconscious and creative individual. It embodies an energetic, progressive mood that is stylish but won’t break the bank. Just think, with all the money you’ll save on jeans, you can hire a lackey to reply to the steady stream of people who’ll want to compliment you on how nice your ass looks in them. To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click on contests.

IONMAGAZINE.CA 11

Of THe MoNTh

DVD Hard Candy

DVD Art School Confidential

Pet NOmer

People can’t get enough of watching pedophiles get busted in sting ops. Dateline’s ratings are so high for its Saturday night exposes, they’ve turned it into an ongoing series. What is it about watching an endless supply of Humbert Humberts get exposed

by Stone Phillips on national television? Is it some kind of perverse schaedenfraude or is it simply a means of self-imposed deterrence? If To Catch a Predator III isn’t enough to steer you clear of the schoolyard, go straight to the video store, walk past the Olsen twin specials and pick yourself up a much needed copy of Hard Candy. Watch as a pedophile becomes the victim of a vengeful 14 year old girl.

We won’t tell you how, but let’s just say you’ll never garborate the same again.

Director Terry Zwigoff (Ghost World) and comic book artist Daniel Clowes (Ghost World) have teamed up again after collaborating on a really great movie that starred Scarlett Johansson (Ghost World) and Thora Birch (Ghost World) but we unfortunately forget the name of it. Jerome Platz wants to become the next Picasso. Sadly, his work goes unappreciated while an inept, albeit hunky painter gets the girl and becomes the star of the school.

As Jerome unsuccessfully tries to win the affections of the girl and his classmates, a serial killer stalks the campus looking for victims. Art School Confidential is full of hilarious and astute observations.

True, it isn’t as good as that other movie Zwigoff and Clowes did together but, then again, few movies are.

If you were a cat, where would you hang out? Cats don’t have collarbones, so they can fit through any opening the size of their head. That’s a lot of places to choose from. But this cat seems to enjoy chilling in the dingy ginch of some dude. What kind of asshole cat stares disapprovingly at her owner’s nether regions during his moment of complete vulnerability? Having a cat watch you on the can must be a bit like being caught beating off—a confirmation of your status as a contemptible offensive human being. Apparently Nomer also enjoys catcalling, literally. She meows in abhorrence at random passersby from her balcony. This cat is a judgmental bitch that likes to mess with people, and we love her for it. Send your pet pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca.

If we print yours we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your animal friend immortalized in print.

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Ticket Giveaway The Detroit Cobras

Game NHL 2007

contributor Jon Hennessey

Courtesy of House of Blues, we have tickets for The Detroit Cobras show on October 16 at Richard’s on Richards. Remember back in elementary school, those girls who dated guys twice their age with Trans-ams and dad-staches; the party girls who were born with whiskey voices; the kind of girls boys would go out of their way to get kicked in the nuts by for the sheer masochistic pleasure of having them make contact with their genitals? Of course you do. While most were only ambitious enough to get knocked up by wife beaters in training, Rachel Nagy and Mary Ramirez wrangled up some man-lackeys and formed a rock band: The Detroit Cobras. They’ll be swaggering into town with their sultry rock ‘n’ soul stylings so go get your dick kicked. You’ll love every minute of it. Enter to win at www.ionmagazine.ca. If you aren’t lucky enough to win, you can pick up tickets for this fine show at Ticketmaster, Zulu, and Scratch.

A lot of people will scoff at you for liking hockey.

But let’s face it, hockey season is awesome. Every city nationwide is buzzing from October till the last Canadian team makes a disappointing exit from the playoffs. It’s electric. Part of hockey season every year includes picking up the latest video game version of the sport from EA. If you’re one of those guys who have been playing this game for a decade, this version offers up something different aside from new rosters. An insane new control system has turned NHL 2007 into more of a hockey simulator than a pick-up-and-play party game. So if you’re sick of people—who’ve never played the game before—coming over to your house and beating you in overtime on a fluke goal, you’re in luck.

Being a makeup artist is often a thankless job. Which is sad because their work is essential to making photos look as good as they do. Jon did the makeup on the shoot for the Kulpa article this month and he’s an all around good guy. To celebrate Jon’s hard and amazing work, here’s a creepy message he sent us, printed verbatim.“I don’t usually do this, but, felt like there was a connection and I thought that this might be my only chance. I saw you at the last Ion party...you, partying...hard...with your friends. Me, standing alone outside. You pushed past me in the line. I said,‘nice makeup’ and you told me to fxxk off.

I think you’d been drinking. If it’s you reading this, or if you know anyone else who needs painting, please contact me at www.myspace.com/nobasura asap.

(Retired) swimmers build. Hennessey 314. Makeup/ hair/etc. www.theyrep.com”

IONMAGAZINE.CA 13

ARTS & CULTURE

ROCK PAPER SCISSORs It’s A Serious Competition Words D.B. LeHouillier Photography Jason Lang There are certain things we all like to think that we’re good at, that we know more about or do better than anyone else (things like driving, raising kids, and Rock Paper Scissors). Of course, as sane people we generally recognize that our driving skills aren’t necessarily comparable to Mario Andretti’s, and that someone from Nanny 911 or whatever that show is called might be more successful at keeping our kids from smearing feces all over the walls, but I digress.

My point is that regardless, we still tend to tell ourselves that we’re pretty damn good at what we do. Well, prepare to be disillusioned.

No matter how often you get to relax while your just-vanquished friend runs to the corner store to do your evil bidding, you’re probably not as good at Rock, Paper, Scissors as you think you are.

The people who take the game of RPS seriously are converging in Toronto for the 2006 RPS International World Championships on November 11, 2006. (What better way to remember the sacrifices made by our fallen veterans?) Competitors come from across the globe, entered as wildcard participants, or seeded players, having won various regional competitions. They’re vying for $10,000 in prize money, split into $7,000 for the first place winner, $1,500 for the second, and $500 for the third, as well as an additional $1000 for the winner of the Street Competition, a sidebar sort of event that takes place the same night.

Those who compete, and the regulatory body (the RPS Society), take it all very seriously. The tourna14 IONMAGAZINE.CA

ment uses the Internationally Recognized Throwing System (IRTS), which specifies, among other things, that paper is to be thrown in a horizontal plane, and scissors in a vertical plane.

(Throwing rock remains simple.) According to worldrps.com, use of vertical paper, sometimes referred to as “the handshake” is strictly forbidden in tournament play because it too closely resembles scissors. And don’t even bother with schoolyard standbys like dynamite. Singlins Martok, the Executive Vice-Chair of the RPS Society’s Theoretical Throws Committee says,“The World RPS Society does not now, nor has it ever condoned the use of Dynamite in professional matches.” In other words, he’s saying this is a serious sport and should be regulated as such.

To that end, the RPS society offers potential competitors winning tips and effective strategies, mostly centred around predicting an opponent’s next throw by deceiving them, observing them and understanding their psychological triggers. You can learn the benefits of picking your throws as you make them versus the merits of planning a series of throws in advance. You can also fill out an online test to determine what sort of RPS player you are, what throws you’ll tend to fall back on and the strengths and weaknesses of what the test identifies your default strategy to be. You can also train against a computer-generated opponent to practice your pattern-recognition skills.

Not impressed by all this strategic mumbo jumbo? Put it to the test.

Enter the World Championships and battle the best in the world. You may

be surprised. Then again, maybe not.

…Um, No It’s Not Words Jen Selk If you ask me, this whole Rock Paper Scissors thing is getting way out of control. You must have heard about it. The International World Championships of this so-called “sport” are held in Toronto every year and ever since Rolling Stone published a piece on the event a few years ago, mainstream media has been all over it. I wrote a series of two newspaper stories about it myself, back in 2004. At the time, it

all seemed ridiculously nouveau.

Admittedly, competing in the championship was hilarious. I paid my $21 entry fee, wrangled a group of friends to compete with me, and had a good time, in part, because I spent most of the night drinking (which seemed to be what most people at the event were doing). But now, it’s two years later and the shine has sort of gone off the whole thing. I mean, the RPS phenomenon was even promoted on Vancouver’s Breakfast Television in September—an honour not generally bestowed on anything particularly cutting edge.

This year, hundreds of competitors are expected to show up to throw.

And, as was the case two years ago, organizers are really playing up the $10,000 in prize money. Now, here’s what gets me: despite the fact that the competition entry fee has drastically inflated in the last two years—nearly doubling to $40—the prize money offered remains the same. Sketchy, I say. It feels sketchy.

To be fair, I can’t imagine the event not being fun for first time competitors. Players often show up in costume and there’s a carnival-type atmosphere about the whole venture.

If you’re so inclined, you can exercise something called “gambit play” by throwing rock, paper or scissors in pre-determined sets of threes - three papers in a row is called The Bureaucrat, three rocks is The Avalanche - but I wouldn’t recommend it. The World RPS Society may try to convince you that the game is not one of random chance, but I still have my doubts. According to the FAQ on their website, “The true beauty and complexity of an RPS match becomes clear when advanced strategies are employed.”

Maybe so, but if you refuse to play emotionally, or strategically, or with

those dubiously dubbed “advanced strategies,” you’ll have a much better chance of winning. I recommend memorizing random series of throws before you play. (Use a computer to generate the numbers if you can.)

Then, no matter what your opponent does, stick to the series. (For example, if you memorize the series 1, 3, 2, 1, 1, 3, you would throw rock, scissors, paper, rock, rock, scissors, no matter what.) Mathematically inclined individuals have assured me that if you refuse to buy into the advanced strategies hype, you’ll give yourself a 50 percent chance of success. Those

odds are probably as good as you’re going to get.

So is the whole thing worth 40 bucks plus drinks? I’d say it’s a gamble.

Tickets to the International World Championship of Rock Paper Scissors, to be held in Toronto on November 11, 2006, are available at www.eventsonline.ca/events/worldrps

IONMAGAZINE.CA 15

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CONSCIOUS CLOTHING Twice Shy

Words Tara Conley Photography Angela Fama Sustainability can be sexy. That’s the message Twice Shy founders Michael Ziff and Jen MacCormack have based their clothing company around. Created out of a personal fashion dilemma, when neither could find cool clothes made from organic fabrics, the two took it upon themselves to create their own line. Jen’s graphic skills were a perfect match for Michael’s strong writing ability, and Twice Shy was born. What began four years ago as a line of t-shirts with politically infused graphics has since expanded to a full line of apparel and accessories for men, women and children. Everything is made from certified organic cotton which is sourced and created in socially just factories. Ziff says their greatest accomplishment so far has been seeing what was once a dream become a thriving business.

The fall 2006 line is in stores now and features a women’s line containing an assortment of stylish and unique finds such as shawls, culottes, blazers, polo dresses, peasant skirts, and trench coats. The equally fantastic men’s line is comprised of button down shirts, t-shirts, chino pants, and hoodies. Each piece contains original graphics or distinctive embroidery and give the collection a distinct clean and modern feel. This earth friendly line won’t break the bank either, with prices ranging from $50 for an original t-shirt, to $180 for a denim jacket. Lark 8th Ave, El Kartel, Mooncruise, Raya, Highend Clothing, Global Atomic and Spank are just a handful of stores around Vancouver where you can pick up this super stylish gear.

The company looks forward to what the future may hold and plans on sourcing other organic fabrics and one day expanding into a high-end apparel line.

They also hope they can create a greater awareness of the importance of using eco-safe fabrics. So for all you fashionistas out there who think you have to be a tree hugger to have a voice in saving our planet, think again. This dynamic duo has proven it’s never too late to start doing your part.

IONMAGAZINE.CA 17

STyle SAVOIr Kulpa

Words Lib Wolber Photography Fiona Garden We are in the midst of a pant revolution. Gone are the ass crack flaunting bellbottoms of yesteryear, here to stay are high waisted skinny jeans (at least until Kate Moss realizes everybody else has caught on). Skinny jeans have thus far received a kind welcome. However there are some who prefer not to walk around feeling as if their legs are slowly being consumed by two giant pythons with lustful sphincters. Fear not, slaves of comfort, Vancouver-based designer Joanna Kulpa has an alternative that will keep you looking chic and feeling comfy. Her line, appropriately named Kulpa, boasts a collection of high-waisted trousers that are roomy and forgiving on the jambes. Kulpa says she doesn’t follow trends—but her line seems to fit nicely into the current trouser reformation. For Fall/Winter 2007 Kulpa says “everything pretty much accentuates the waist.”

That includes high waisted pants with some Katherine Hepburn-esque flare, accentuated by ties and belts. The other great thing about Kulpa’s line is that all of her pieces (not just the pants) are versatile.

Every piece in Kulpa’s collection can be dressed up with flats during the day, or glammed up with a few pieces of jewelry for going out at night. Classic earth toned two-button blazers work the office and the afterparty. Kulpa’s collection is characterized by muted colors and simple, sleek silhouettes. However, labeling Kulpa as a minimalist wouldn’t do justice to the incredible amount of work on each individual piece.

Kulpa’s details—like the leather trim on her fitted vests—are what make this small collection such a coveted one. Kulpa says the inspiration for her innovative line “comes from everywhere…but mostly I design what I want to be wearing.” Sorry guys, Kulpa says she isn’t working on a men’s line yet… but here’s hoping. Until then you’ll just have to struggle into your skinny jeans in compliant silence.

You can find Kulpa in Vancouver at Lark (152 8th Ave), City of Pula (210 Abbott Street) and Twigg & Hottie (3671 Main Street). In Montreal at Espace Pepin (350 Rue Saint-Paul Ouest).

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A Million Reasons to Become a Makeup Artist VFS is turning 20. To kick off the party, we’re awarding $1 million in scholarships to the best, the brightest, and the most passionate aspiring artists.

The one year Makeup Design program at VFS prepares you to join any production team.

Learn set etiquette, script breakdown, and film terminology, to a thorough study of celebrity and stage makeup, film and television makeup, special effects makeup, and so much more.

All students accepted for classes in 2007 will be awarded a scholarship until the money runs out – and it’s running out fast so apply soon!

For a look at the balance of our scholarship fund, check out our website: vfs.com/craft

IONMAGAZINE.CA 19

Photography ~ Kate Szatmari www.kateszphoto.com Makeup & Hair ~ Colette Cormier www.facemaker.ca Styling ~ Lori Gardner | Judy Inc. www.judyinc.com Model ~ Drea for Next www.nextmodels.ca

Previous page: Blouse, Givenchy; Skirt, Miu Miu; Belt, Private Label, all Holt Renfrew (Toronto); Boots, David’s (Toronto).

This page: PleAted top, Issey Miyake; PleAted skirt, Issey Miyake, both at Holt Renfrew (Toronto); Maltese Cross, Stylist’s own; Suede Shoes, Valentino at David’s (Toronto).

Previous spread ~ Left: Lacy arm & neck accessory, Stylist’s own; Poor boy shorts, Free People, at Gangbar & Winslade (Toronto); Leather belt, Brave Belt Works; Necklaces, both Accessity (Toronto). right: Turtleneck, Donna Karan, at Holt Renfrew (Toronto); Vintage hat, veil & gloves, Stylist’s own; Glasses, Mercury “Dyce” Accessity (Toronto).

This page: Black dress w/ cape collar , A.B.S., at Gangbar & Winslade (Toronto).

FILM

S&M is disgusting S&MAN

Words Michael Mann On May 13, 2004, an MSN Messenger window pops up on my computer and it’s a link with the intriguing title of Nick Berg decapitation video. Morbid curiosity gets the better of me and I click on it. I watch a man in an orange jumpsuit get his head sawed off by a man in a ski mask with a large knife. Pretty convincing but, I’ve seen better. A few minutes later I learn it was real. This wasn’t the first time I’d seen someone die on film. I’ve watched bad bootlegs of Faces of Death and, of course, I’ve seen the footage of JFK getting shot and people jumping out of windows on 9/11. But none of this really prepared me for JT Petty’s S&MAN (Sandman), one of the most disturbing movies you’ll ever see.

On IMDB, the bottom of the S&MAN page reads, “If you like this title, we also recommend Pink Flamingos.” Not the most accurate comparison but it should serve as an ominous warning that this movie is not for you if you don’t have a strong stomach.

You’ve probably never heard of JT Petty but he writes children’s books, made the second sequel to Guillermo Del Toro’s Mimic as well as a short called Soft For Digging which made him a minor celebrity in the underground horror scene.

He’s also one of the creators and writers of the Splinter Cell video games; or as he playfully describes, “I worked with the game designers to figure out how the story can make up excuses to shoot people in the head.” S&MAN starts as a documentary on voyeurism but becomes something far more unnerving. The neighborhood Petty grew up in had a peeping Tom who, when his house was raided, was discovered to be in possession of hundreds of hours of footage of his neighbours in their bathroom. The catch is he got away with it because the community didn’t want 200+ hours of bowel movements screened in court for all to see. Of course, Petty saw this creep as the ideal candidate for an interview.

“For about two years I was leaving him notes and sending him copies of my movies. I left him a copy of my second movie and was like ‘I’m kind of pervy. I like watching people too. Let’s talk!’ But, of course, a peeping Tom is insanely shy,” and he never agreed to be interviewed.

Meanwhile production for S&MAN has already begun; so what can he do?

Well, at about this time the Nicholas Berg decapitation video and photos of Abu Ghraib prisoners being tortured start circulating on the internet. Then movies like Saw and Hostel—which contain more ultra-violence than actual plot—come out and become wickedly popular. “It sort of seemed like there’s this weird confluence of voyeurism and underground horror in modern culture,” Petty explains. Through his connections to the underground horror scene he started tracking that down.“People who were making movies with zero budget would send me a copy of their movie and be like ‘Let’s be friends, this is what I’m working on.’ So I started seeing these movies and realized there’s a whole world of people making horror movies with no money. The movies were usually ridiculous and kind of funny. But then every once in a while there’d be a special effect that wasn’t a special effect. Or real sexuality. Or real violence. Or, possibly, real stalking. Where the filmmaker becomes scarier than the film.”

Naturally, Petty enlists the help of these underground horror filmmakers who 28 IONMAGAZINE.CA

are essentially trying to make the most realistic looking snuff films possible.

There’s Fred Vogel, who makes films that try to emulate the home movies of a serial killer and has been arrested twice for trying to bring “snuff” films into Canada; Bill Zebub, director of a gem called Jesus Christ: Serial Rapist; and most importantly, Eric Rost, creator of a series of films called S&MAN for which Petty’s movie is named. So the documentary changes its focus from voyeurism to address this question: why do we like to watch people die? “There is that weird double motion of passing a car wreck and looking closer, especially in horror films. Where you see an effect and you’re looking to see how well it’s done. There’s that great throat slashing in the first Friday the 13th where I’m so excited out of admiration for the special effect. And then watching underground horror films where I’m in admiration of Bill Zebub cutting his arm and then you’re like ’oh shit, is that real?’” In S&MAN, whether or not the violence is real is debatable. Whether it’s real enough isn’t.

At one point, Rost, the S&MAN, comments on how people think he’s the S&M Man. “I don’t do that kind of crap” he says. What kind of crap does Rost do then? Try hidden camera stalker snuff films of women. Initially he follows women around and gets to know them without them knowing—“screen tests” he calls them. Then he claims to introduce himself to the subjects and they agree to be filmed and brutally murdered in isolated locations. A source of tension between Petty and Rost is: when exactly does he let these women know he’s filming them? Rost never gives straight answers. In fact, a lot of the interview subjects in the film don’t give straight answers. But that’s okay because the filmmaker’s probably being a wee bit dishonest too. But you really start to question what’s real when Rost actually starts to stalk Petty. This all culminates with a closing scene that will make your jaw drop and haunt you for many nights to come. “I want people to be like ‘Oh wait. Hold on. Some of this isn’t real. What exactly happened and what didn’t?’ I know it’s not a very nice thing for me to do but I also think that’s the most honest way I can make the movie because I’m saying some fairly accusatory things about horror and culture and why we watch violence. But I also create horror and culture that has lots of violence in it.”

S&MAN walks the line between documentary and fiction like someone who polished off a bottle of tequila prior to a sobriety test. When asked about the somewhat dubious ethics of his film, Petty plainly states, “We’re not journalists. We’re storytellers…I’d probably need to make a documentary before I’m a documentarian. If I’d made Fahrenheit 9/11, I don’t know if I’d feel comfortable calling that a documentary. Again, I don’t know what I would call a documentary.

You can’t not affect something by pushing a camera at it.” But the whole ‘what makes a documentary a documentary?’ is a stale argument best left to academics. All you need to know is that S&MAN is an entertaining and disturbing horror film that should be enjoyed and savoured like a mouthful of soylent green. If you like the taste, you probably shouldn’t question how it’s made.

FILM

IONMAGAZINE.CA 29

FILM

Homegrown Horror

Rodrigo Gudiño & Maurice Devereaux Words Michael Mann

You have to go back pretty far to find a decent Canadian horror movie that anyone has heard of. The last one that’s worthy of mention is 2000’s Ginger Snaps; which, at best can only be described as ‘watchable’. To find a really good Canadian horror film you have to go back 20 years to The Fly, and technically it isn’t considered Canadian even though it was directed by David Cronenberg and shot in Toronto. Well a funny thing happened at the Toronto International Film Festival (TIFF) this year; there were a lot of good horror movies there. One of the more interesting shows was a double-bill with the 15 minute short—The Eyes of Edward James and the feature—End of the Line. More shocking than the content of the films was that they’re both

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really good and made by Canadians.

Rodrigo Gudiño can probably lay claim to knowing more about horror films than anyone else in Canada. In 1997, he founded a 20 page black and white zine called Rue Morgue in Toronto. Since then it’s grown to be one of the preeminent horror publications in the world. Now 37, he’s making his first foray into filmmaking with The Eyes of Edward James, a psychological thriller mindfuck. This short employs a clever first-person perspective similar to a game of Doom. The Eyes of Edward James follows a psychiatrist forcing his patient to relive the murder of his wife through hypnotherapy.

“I always wanted to get into film, even from the very very beginning. I wrote a bunch of scripts for short films because I wanted to get a feeling for being behind the camera and what it takes to put a film together. But I couldn’t choose,” Gudiño says prior to his film screening at TIFF. The decision for him was made a little easier when, “one day, my co-producer Marco Pecota was like ‘why don’t you just shoot this one because it’ll be very economical and we can shoot it in two days.’ It turned out it was the one I liked the least. But I thought if I’m

gonna fuck it up, I might as well fuck up the one I like the least. That’s sort of how it came about.

The Eyes of Edward James is not indicative of the direction I want to go, it really is my crash course in filmmaking and I learned a lot from it.” Don’t let his descriptions of “economical” mislead you. The Eyes of Edward James isn’t some ‘let’s play with mom’s video camera’ production. It’s an impressive looking short that had a crew of 18 people and cost $10,000 to make.

The critic in Gudiño happily admits “[I’ve] said very harsh things about very many movies and I stand behind everything I said.” But a ‘put up or shut up’ mentality wasn’t a motivating factor to make the switch from a culture critic to culture producer. “It was more out of love and to explore horror in a more creative way. In a magazine, even though there’s creativity involved, it only goes so far. Rue Morgue is more like my horror university.

So I wanted to contribute something.”

With 13 years of film writing under his belt at Rue Morgue and other publications, I asked Gudiño if having spent so much time in “horror university” helped or hindered his directorial debut.“Ultimately

FILM it helped me. I think other people could be hindered by it. If you know too much you fall into this idea that everything’s been done before. In actuality, that’s not the case if you develop a very strong vision. When you look at other people’s movies, they’re teaching you how they do things.The horror genre is very very derivative. There’s a lot of copying happening. It has always had that traditionally and historically. So to do something a little bit different doesn’t take a huge amount of effort. [The Eyes of Edward James] is a conventional horror film but I tried to put in a unique perspective and fuck with it a little.”

The other film on the double bill, End of the Line, is the fourth feature directed by Montrealer Maurice Devereaux. I can’t tell you how old he is or how much his film cost to make because he won’t tell me—answering the one might fuck up his dating prospects and answering the other might fuck up a distribution deal. What I can tell you is this: out of all the horror movies at the TIFF, Devereaux’s End of the Line had more people jumping out of their seats in terror than any other. Set largely in an isolated subway station, this bloody survival horror is kick-started when members of a religious cult get simultaneous pager messages telling them it’s the apocalypse. Naturally, this is their cue to start murdering everyone in sight with the daggers they have neatly concealed in their crosses.

To generate a little hype for his film, Devereaux had people dress up as religious zealots and walk down the streets of Toronto handing out pamphlets for the film.“My God they scare the shit out of me. As a filmmaker, if something scares me I think it might scare others. These people scare me. Anyone who, for whatever reason, is brainwashed into thinking that ‘oh you do this and you’ll be rewarded in other lives’ is not really holding onto anything tangible. So, for me, they’re all loose cannons. That makes them very very scary for me.” I took that as a cue to quietly slip the pamphlet of ‘literature’ I brought for him to read back into my pocket.

The film’s inclusion in the festival saw Devereaux waltz along the red carpet into the gala party in the shadow of a legitimate actor, Samuel L. Jackson. So how did a film like this make it past the screening board to get in? “I just sent it in. I filled out the applications and sent it off,” replies Devereaux.“Everyone said I was crazy. My other films have premiered at the Fantasia Film Festival and they wanted this film

as well. But also, they were saying ‘you should try for Toronto.’ So it was a roll of the dice and it paid off because I got it—which is unheard of. Not only are there few Canadian horror films but there are few horror films period that get into Toronto. So it’s a big big honour.”

Both of these filmmakers agreed that there are lots of Canadians out there making horror films but there isn’t much of a Canadian horror scene per se. The problem, according to Gudiño is, “there’s no real system in place to get those films out how they need to get out. Films can’t just be good. They need to be worked properly to find audiences.The [people running the] Canadian system are very backwards and old school. They’re trying to make statements about what makes a Canadian film. That’s really not anything anybody should be doing. As far as I’m concerned, if a Canadian wants to make a film about car crashes or zombies, it’s a Canadian film because it came out of their head. You can’t really regulate content. That’s what’s happening now and it’s really unfortunate.” While Devereaux had this to add,“It’s difficult to make films anywhere. In Canada, the government finances Canadian and FrenchCanadian films. If you don’t get that government financing then, of course, it’s more difficult. They’re not too keen on horror because it’s a government institution so it doesn’t look good. That just makes it a bit tougher.”

While horror films have been enjoying an economic revival in recent years, the genre, as a whole, still gets less respect than a western musical starring Rodney Dangerfield. The Eyes of Edward James and End of the Line aren’t exactly definitive Canadian horror films, but they’re a lurch in the right direction and definitely worth checking out. And with big time film festivals like TIFF throwing their support behind homegrown horror, it’s surely a sign of more gruesome things to come.

Horror Movie Picks Maurice Devereaux Director of End of The Line: United 93 (2006) Paul Greengrass, Caché (2005) Michael Haneke, Lost Highway (1997) David Lynch, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986)

John

McNaughton,The

Shining (1980) Stanley Kubrick, Dawn of the Dead (1978) George A. Romero, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) Tobe Hooper, The Exorcist (1973) William Friedkin, Night of the Living Dead (1968) George A. Romero, Psycho (1960) Alfred Hitchcock.

Rodrigo Gudiño Publisher of Rue Morgue and director of The Eyes of Edward James: Pan’s Labyrinth (2006) Guillermo del Toro, Calverre aka The Ordeal (2004) Fabrice Du WelzHigh, Tension (2003) Alexandre Aja, May (2002) Lucky McKee, The Devil’s Backbone (2001) Guillermo del Toro, Kairo aka Pulse (2001) Kiyoshi Kurosawa, Ichi The Killer (2001) Takashi Miike, The Exorcist 3 (1990) William Peter Blatty, Paperhouse (1988) Bernard Rose, The Thing (1982) John Carpenter, Halloween (1978) John Carpenter, The Exorcist (1973) William Friedkin, Onibaba (1964) Kaneto Shindô, Séance on a Wet Afternoon (1964) Bryan Forbes, Peeping Tom (1960) Michael Powell.

JT Petty Director of S&MAN: Family Portraits: A Trilogy of America (2004) Douglas Buck, Suicide Club (2002) Sion Sono, Audition (1999) Takashi Miike, Dead Ringers (1988) David Cronenberg, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer (1986) John McNaughton, Jaws (1975) Steven Spielberg, Don’t Look Now (1973) Nicolas Roeg, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974) Tobe Hooper, Carnival of Souls (1962) Herk Harvey, Peeping Tom (1960) Michael Powell.

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Past Last Exit Junior Boys

Words Ian Macmillan Photography Timothy Saccenti Like a half-buried pyramid, current pop music has its foundations underground.

Media-friendly superstars who are able to blend underground with conventional easy-listening production values perch comfortably at the apex. Speaking on the phone is Hamilton, Ontario’s Jeremy Greenspan of Junior Boys, who sits at about ground level. Greenspan, along with Matt Didemus, combined their studio talents in 2004 to record their full-length debut Last Exit which was pretty much universally praised. Two years later we have the much awaited follow up So This is Goodbye. Greenspan’s sophomore release is a tidy 49 minute package that will decorate the listener’s inner space with catchy synth tones, hooks and casual buoyant rhythms. So This is Goodbye is the sum of several influences, namely Greenspan’s location and the current musical climate.

Being part of Hamilton’s dance music scene during the 90s meant being in the presence of Detroit’s industrial techno and Chicago’s house supremacy.

Southern Ontario’s proximity to these electronic epicentres clearly had an impact on Greenspan, though it wasn’t as influential as his move to Birmingham, England, where he scammed his way into a job as a recording studio engineer using a bogus resume. There, he recorded demos for just about any band that had the audacity to press the record button. The job also taught him that he didn’t want to work as an engineer/producer-for-hire again.

“It was a very exciting time to be there...all the music I had listened to was music from the past; it was exciting to be a part of something that was happening now,” Greenspan reminisces. As exciting as it was, Junior Boys endeavoured to distance themselves from typical dance music producers. Late 80s pop music and even some late disco attributes permeated the Junior Boys’ production process. Greenspan and Didemus took turns in the studio adding layer upon layer of pop sequences, synths, disco claps, dance beats and finished with lyrical subjects unrelated to typical dance music antics. Junior Boys provide a relief from Much Dance hits like Reel 2 Real’s “I Like to Move It” or 2 Unlimited’s “No Limit”—where the word “No” is used a total of 43 times. Junior Boys are grateful that musical tastes have evolved somewhat since then.

“I don’t feel like we’re part of the dance music scene,” says Greenspan.“That scene is just dead and tired and as played out as any rock ‘n’ roll cliché...nothing depresses me more than 45 year old DJs. So I’m glad not to be a part of that...despite the fact that I came out of the dance music tradition, I don’t feel a part of it at all. I don’t feel like that’s a world I want to fit into.” Greenspan appreciates that the fan base is into indie rock, though he admits it’s not a musical genre he knows anything about.

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Part of the appeal of Junior Boys’ So This is Goodbye is the often personal lyrical content which some might see as an atypical decision on the part of Greenspan, considering it is a pop record. He concedes that the record is a typical Canadian record, although it does not fit with what he perceives as “the faux-celtic...Canadian world view” that stems from the popularity of bands like Spirit of the West and to a lesser extent, the Tragically Hip. Living in one of many smaller cities that dot the Canadian map means being surrounded by space, and according to Greenspan it “creates a condition of total agoraphobia all the time. There’s something uniquely Canadian about that.”

From the outset, So This is Goodbye sounds like a record made for situations in transit. The repetitive and catchy patterns mimic passing faces and buildings while the effortless, whisper-like vocals provide a complimentary atmosphere of ever-changing scenery. Greenspan achieves his goal of writing non-narrative lyrics, but doesn’t let the emotion stray from the page. His inspiration from singers like Frank Sinatra plays a part in his avoidance of sob-stories about individuals; instead he claims to write cinematic scenes, demonstrating his appreciation for Sinatra’s songs about “streets, cities, and abandoned buildings.”

An attempt to seek out beauty in the mundane is evident in “Count Souvenirs,” a track named after a line in a Sinatra song:“Your favourite shirt/A little dirt/Builds inside the bedroom drawer.” Greenspan explains his dislike for contemporary singers (particularly those in televised “competitions”) as a reaction to the success of vocal gymnasts who lack texture in their voices and seem to be in a perpetual crescendo. Every track on So This is Goodbye maintains a steady effortless voice, something that Greenspan is quite proud of since he uses no gates or filters to correct the vocals in the studio. Without such gates and filters, most pop stars would be even more unbearable to listen to.

Sinatra’s influence is further evident in the cover song “When No One Cares.”

Unique for its lack of a back beat, slowed tempo and echoes of Underworld’s “Born Slippy”—popularized in the Trainspotting soundtrack. It serves as the keystone track, alluding to the emotional content of the other tracks while providing a fitting denouement to the record as a whole.

Until recently, dance music seemed to suffer from an incurable case of tunnel vision. Progression has been slow but there’s no denying its place in today’s pop production. Bands like Junior Boys add an extra element to the genre, an element that will make you laugh, make you cry, and then make you breakdance.

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ge

The Aw

d r a kw

Photography by M

a ark M

ry

a t S

vi o n a

ch

If there’s one thing I know about Shane Nelken (aka The Awkward Stage) it’s that he can make you laugh on cue without so much as a pre-fabricated punchline. His stories and observations of the everyday are the stuff of legend (or at the very least they should be) and will bowl you over with such hilarity that you’d think you were dying from laughter. But enough about this thinly veiled reference to his day job, there are more pressing tales to tell and those can be found on his debut CD, Heaven Is For Easy Girls. Easily on par with another Vancouver songsmith with a gift for gab, AC Newman, Nelken crafts perfect pop songs and carries superb technical chops that transcend his abilities as a performer but keep him humble as a guy who’s probably had a few awkward stages in life (as I’m sure all of us have). I mean it can’t be easy working in a funeral home, or could it? Most people would kill for a job like that…oh, sorry. myspace.com/theawkwardstageband

THE

SUBHUMANS Photography by Mark Maryanovich

Why did it take over two decades for these guys to make a new record? With no shortage of ammunition, Brian Goble, Gerry Hannah, Mike Graham and Jon Card let loose on 14 songs of frustration, anger and confusion with New Dark Age Parade, their latest punk rock opus.

A fire’s been brewing in the belly of these beasts for some time now so don’t be surprised when they hit your town later this fall and you witness a rejuvenated gang of men who don’t tread lightly on the things that piss them off. Still important after all these years, The Subhumans carry a message that says it’s okay to march to the beat of a different drummer. It’s one parade you’d be proud to join. www.subhumanscanada.com

MUSIC

Get MedIeVAl THE SWORD

Words Marielle Kho Photography Jimmy Hubbard My favourite medieval weapon has always been the morningstar. It’s a simple bludgeoning tool with a spiked metal ball at the end. It’s similar to a mace, except without the connecting chain. I know that if I had to use a mace, at some point, I’d probably end up hitting myself in the face. With a morningstar, I would just feel more in control of my weapon. I’m a bit hesitant about swords, just because some amount of skill would need to be involved if one were to use a sword to its full potential.The only sword that I’m a fan of is a stoner metal band named The Sword. The following is a conversation with their bassist, Bryan Richie. In all honesty, we discussed really nerdy topics, rather than the music itself.

I wanted to know where you guys came up with the name,“The Sword.”

Because I figured if you guys were going to go down that path, why not go all the way? You could have easily named yourselves “The Halberd” or “The Morningstar.”

I think [singer and guitarist] JD just wanted to keep it really simple. He likes swords and was really surprised that there wasn’t already a band called “The Sword.” There were bands that used the word ‘sword’ in their names, or plural usage of the word, but never “The Sword.” And when I think he realized that, he just said, “Okay, that’s the band name.”

In October, you guys are going to hit the road with Trivium. Are you

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guys going to plan any extravagant stage props or epic battle scenes?

We’ve got some battle standards with some flags and whatnot, but that’s probably about it. We’re not too eccentric with our stage performance.

You don’t see us flailing around and swinging our guitars or whatnot.

Tell me you guys are going to at least have medieval weaponry at the merch table. Or chain mail instead of zip-up hoodies.

Well, most of the time, they usually don’t let us bring that kinda stuff into the clubs. But we do carry a rather large broadsword with us at all times when we have to deal with promoters from time to time. Sometimes you just have to have a little bit of a heavy hand.

Have you ever had to resort to using that?

I don’t think I’m at liberty to say...

I don’t want to get involved with the dude that it may or may not have happened to if he happens to read about it.

So what’s the songwriting process like? I would imagine you guys sit around and watch Lord of the Rings or Beowulf before you get down to writing songs.

Usually the riffs just come as they please. They trickle to us from the heavens and we’re able to receive them at certain points. We never really sit around and consciously try to brew up our riffs.

So you just get inspiration from the heavenly gods as to what content to write about?

Exactly.

Do you play Dungeons and Dragons?

No, but I know people that do, and they shall remain nameless.

Okay, well there go my next five questions. But if you did play, who would your character be?

I’d probably be some kind of dark elf.

Towers. Because if you were familiar with the books, you were curious to know what was going to happen.

Me being a non-reader, and not being familiar with the books, the movie I’m very interested in mytholwas quite a joy to me. I was like,“Wow, ogy and medieval studies. Could some crazy shit’s gonna go down in you recommend any ancient texts, the third one!” myths, or medieval literature?

I’m not much of a reader. I like books So you’ve never read the LOTR with pictures. books?

No, I had someone summarize them Do you play Gauntlet Legends? to me while we were on tour. Don’t Yes, I had that game on my Sega get me wrong, I can read, but when it Dreamcast. I was usually the dwarf or comes to reading a page in a book, I the warrior. get to about the third paragraph and I was more of a green archer per- then I’m in my head, making up my son. She was the fastest character own stories. who could run around and get all I just saw the videos for “Freya” the items. and “Winter’s Wolves.” Do you think You’ve got the range with the green that, in the future, you guys might archer, but I would probably never integrate more epic battle scenes play with you because you’d probably into other videos? be hogging all of the meat treats.

We talked about that with the guys Norse mythology tells us that du- that were on-hand filming the smaller ality or a belief in opposites is the battle scene in “Freya.” And apparfoundation of this world. For exam- ently, we can get up to 200 extras at ple, they believed that there were a time that would be willing to create two horses that pulled the chariots a medieval battle scene. I don’t think of the sun and the moon, Skinfaxi there will be any more videos for this and Hrimfaxi. If this is true, who or album, but for a future one, I would what would be the counterpart of definitely not rule out the possibility of The Sword? an epic battle scene.

Tarantula AD. They’re another band; For your next album are you they’re our brothers in arms, but also going to explore different cultural our polar opposites. We’re definitely mythologies or do you think you’ll not a band of dudes that are going to stick to the Nordic and medieval try and seek out any problems. We’re European topics? some of the most low-key bros you’re I guess only time will tell what the acever going to meet. We always try to tual content will be like. But my own keep it cool with everyone. personal thought is that we’ll probably What is your favourite movie stick to our guns and keep doing what based on mythology or medieval we’re doing. I don’t see us branching literature? out and writing songs about any PalThat’s a good one! Does Legend, with estine or Muslim conflicts. We’ll probTom Cruise, count? Obviously the ably keep it pretty old school.

Lord of the Rings movies were totally I find The Sword to be a unique bitchin’...I’m going to be real standard band not only because of the lyrical and say the Lord of the Rings: The Two content, but also your sound (there

MUSIC

aren’t a lot of “stoner metal” bands out there right now). Who would you cite as some of your influences?

Because the only similar band that I could think of was Nile.

That’s awesome! I personally feel that we sound nothing like Nile, but that’s killer! I would have to say, obviously, Black Sabbath. But that was my main reason for joining the band. They didn’t sound like anything else that was around at the time. When I first heard them, it was like a punch in the face. But lyrically, yeah, I would say Nile, because they do all that crazy Egyptian stuff.

I think that’s a result of their lead singer having a PhD in Egyptology.

Well, hell, that’s some good fodder to write your songs with. If I could write lyrics about my computer science degree, maybe I would.

I don’t know how interesting that would be, though.

Yeah, it would actually be really boring. That’s why I didn’t finish it.

The cover art for Age of Winters is probably one of the best covers I’ve seen in a long time. How did you get Conrad Keeley (from ...And You Will Know Us By the Trail of

Dead) to design it?

JD’s old band went on tour with Trail of Dead before, because they were notorious for taking local bands that they liked on tour with them. The Sword was able to do that as well, in April of 2005. So we went on tour with them for a month, going through the Eastern side of the US. We became friends with Conrad, and he started talking to us about all these wicked cover ideas (because he does all the TOD of stuff). This one that he had talked about was one with a maiden, a shield and a sword, and we were like,“oh yeah, that sounds like it.”

If you were one specific god (based on one of your strongest attributes) from any culture, who would you be and why?

Is there one that represents the ability to get along with others? Is there one god that’s like, “everything’s cool and chill?”

I guess you could say, the Greek god, Dionysus. He’s the god of parties and wine.

As long as he’s not involved in Scientology, then that’s cool. Wait, that’s Dianetics.

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MUSIC

POSTER ART

Yo Rodeo! Poster Co!

42窶オONMAGAZINE.CA

MUSIC There’s something good coming out of the maritimes and for once it’s not Buck 65. Paul Hammond and Seth Smith have been putting out posters in Halifax under the moniker Yo Rodeo! Poster Co! for three years now. Their style could best be described as what happens when you toss cut-and-paste with decorative art in a blender and hit the ‘punk rock’ button (it’s between ‘puree’ and ‘liquefy’ on most makes and models). www.yorodeo.com

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MUSIC

ALBUM REVIEWS

Alias & Tarsier Plane That Draws A White Line Anticon

act as the backing band for Dwight Trible’s Love Is

the majority of rappers out there, most of whom

The Answer, but, when that album wrapped, Niño

are suburban kids rapping about being gang-

and Story kept on trucking. With good cause too

sters, Tapwater’s rhymes are intelligent, socially

as the instrumental electronic jazz creations that

conscious and discuss topics they know a thing

fill Living Room—often recorded spontaneously

or two about—living in Vancouver and working a

with a few friends—are definitely strong enough

12-hour day for minimum wage. The album packs

to carry an album on their own. Actually, as uplift-

a punch with 17 tracks and include appearances

ing as Trible’s lyrics are, this album probably has

from Kaboom on “LaLaLa” and the Chicharones

better replay value, in part due to fully realized jam

(including Josh Martinez) on “Able Bodies” which

sessions and a bigger role for underappreciated

features the line “kids are too busy listening to

producer Elvin “Nobody” Estela. Now that’s a Room

This is something of a single gone off the deep

Doom that they don’t know about KMD” by Josh

with a view.

end. The title track first appeared on trip-hop pro-

Martinez exhibiting the group’s passion for quality

ducer Brendan “Alias” Whitney and Rona “Tarsier”

hip hop. Check them out!

Rapadas’ debut collaboration Brookland/Oaklyn and is here enhanced by three new tracks and eight remixes. Having heard it, I now feel somewhat spoiled. I wish all singles were like this: 46 minutes long and featuring outside creative input from the likes of Boom Bip, Christ, and Odd Nosdam. Of the new cuts, “Sleepy” really stands out with its tribal beat and breathtaking vocal effects, signalling that this duo may finally be getting comfortable with each other. The remixes stay true to the spirit of the originals, with the possible exception of Boom Bip’s turbo trance retooling of the EP’s namesake, but all of the remixers throw just enough of themselves into each track to give the listener a fresh perspective. As such, it’s a welcome companion disc to the original.

4/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

Tapwater Breadcrumbs Imaginations Treetrunk A couple of years ago while walking down Granville Street I was approached by a shaggy haired kid peddling East Van hip hop CDs. I thought I had nothing to lose so I coughed up the 10 bucks and took the CD home where I was blown away by the rap collective known as Imaginations Treetrunk.

44 IONMAGAZINE.CA

riously breaking it down to the essentials. Unlike

4/5

-Paul Borchert

Guther Sundet Morr Music Ashley Simpson, Fall Out Boy, and that reproducing pig Britney Spears are all celebrity cancers in the sagging breast of popular music. In a just world, Guther’s bent of somewhat depressive German pop-rock would be all over MTV. Their second album for Morr explores similar territories as Belle & Sebastian’s finer work but without all the cheese and subsequent boredom. Most tracks centre around lazy basslines, café indie drumming, Julie Guther’s Ritalin vocals, and apt guitar picking.

Coupled with the essential use of electronic effects, flute, and fuzzy retro guitar chords Sundet has a richness and organic variety that RIAA executives will never fully comprehend. Listen to “Trick Or Treat” and tell me you don’t fall in love.

3/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

3.5/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

Maximum Joy Unlimited (19791983) reissue Crippled Dick Hot Wax! This post-punk release resonates loudly to the drum tuned ears. Killer tracks are re-issued on Unlimited (1979-1983) that probe the tribal and surreal side of post-punk, and cast aside the pouty, misanthropic soul and R’n’B indebted styles captured on record by Gang of Four, The Rapture, etc. Maximum Joy flows more decidedly into the trajectory based on disco, funk and jazz-fusion. Is this go-go in England? Maximum Joy, the group, reveals a poetic niche for the musical universe.

In the tangled mess post-punk’s heritage decries, the songs compiled on Unlimited (1979-1983) put musical experimentation, danceable rhythms, unpredictable dynamics and arrangement onto display. If you dig and/or appreciate this CD an-

The Life Force Trio Living Room Plug Research

The group’s tight beats and slick rhymes made

Would the Heartbreakers be as good without Tom

me think of the early days of Anticon. The latest re-

Petty? How about the Experience without Jimi

lease from the Treetrunk clan is titled Breadcrumbs

Hendrix? Carlos Niño of Ammoncontact originally

by Tapwater. Tapwater, comprised of two young

formed The Life Force Trio with multi-instrumental-

MCs, Azraelian and Aspire, take the rap game se-

ist Dexter Story (thus making The Trio a duo) to

other one to check out is the GRLZ compilation. It includes comparable and informative liner notes to the re-issue. Under a pastiche of images from the past, the packaging for both releases, i.e. GRLZ and Unlimited (1979-1983), busts moves of new historical revisions on the music history dance floor.

3.5/5

-Arthur Krumins

MUSIC

The Rapture Pieces Of The People We Love Universal The reason why The Rapture’s Echoes was universally embraced wasn’t so much that it was a great album (which it was), but more importantly because it was a great album with hooks and soul; an album that could have you sweatin’ it on the dance floor one minute and crying into your drink the next. The Horrorist once released a killer single called “One Night in New York City” —The Rapture made a full album out of it; but that was then. Pieces Of The People We Love starts promising with the lead-off, albeit Stereo MC’s aping single, “Get Myself Into It,” but despite the track’s island-hopping groove it’s overwhelmingly inferior to previous singles “Sister Saviour” and the massive “House of Jealous Lovers.” But even without comparing POTPWL with its younger sibling, it doesn’t stand on its own as a very good album at all. “Whoo!

Alright Yeah…Uh Huh” is danceable, but not very fun, while slower tracks like “First Gear” and “Callin’ Me” are just cold and embryonic.“Down For So Long” is the only track here that really stands out as being up to Rapture standards, which is a bit upsetting to say the least.

2/5

for hyphy and his beloved “Yay Area”—including superfluous guest spots from NoCal heavy hitters such as E-40 and Keak Da Sneak. Not only that, but Shadow makes a critical misstep by not leaving his heart in the Bay. Borrowing the lads from Brit-rockers Kasabian (!) for a track and even tossing in unnecessary cuts featuring Chris Martin wannabe Chris James and freak-folkstress Christina Carter (Charlambrides), the latter half of the record sounds like nothing more than a plea for a wider fanbase. Casting a net far reaching its limits, The Outsider is in serious need of some barbering and focus.

3/5

-Adam Simpkins

Sigur Rós Sæglópur EP Filter Not content merely slapping out a good cut from their last album with a throwaway b-side and calling it a single, Sigur Rós (which means Victory Rose in their native Icelandic) have taken the most epic work from 2005’s Takk and augmented it with three new songs and a DVD containing the only physical release of their last three videos.Take that, you iTunes fucks! It’s nice to see “Sæglópur” receive a non RIAA release as that track shows the melancholic post-rock quartet doing what it does

-Adam Simpkins

DJ Shadow The Outsider Universal After releasing the jaw-dropping and critically acclaimed Endtroducing… back in 1996, DJ Shadow has been given carte blanche for everything he

best, swelling its guitar, bass, drums, and keys into a moving orchestral piece worth well more than the sum of its parts. The new tracks are all much more reserved, piano-led affairs that don’t even try to compete with the peak of the cathartic title track.

As such, this EP will probably only find its way into the collections of people who are already fans, but those people should be quite happy with it.

3/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

lays his dirty little hands on—including a handful of occasionally brilliant crate-digging showcases and even 2002’s sketchy The Private Press, which received some exaggerated praise. But with The Outsider, the laurels may be held back with significant apprehension. For the most part, Shadow shows us his vast appreciation (and proficiency)

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang “Life is the result of the struggle between dynamic opposites. Form and chaos.

Substance and oblivion. Light and dark. And all of the infinite variations of yin and yang. When the pendulum swings in favour of one it must also eventually swing in favour of its opposite. Thus the balance of the universe is maintained.”

-Jeru tha damaja To preface this story let me state that I have been referred to as a sinister person.

Most women don’t trust me and to be quite honest, I don’t blame them. Last week I went on a date. Hoping to increase the likelihood of getting my date to come home with me, I arranged to meet her at a restaurant near my apartment.

You know how it goes, talking, drinking, laughing, kissing, fucking. Pretty simple really. I arrive at the restaurant early and take a seat at the bar. Halfway through my first whiskey, I glance over my shoulder to see my date roll up on a bicycle.

She looks beautiful. A hostess leads us downstairs to a romantic table in a remote corner of the restaurant. As soon as we sit down something comes over me. I am acting as smooth as Bill Murray in that scene in Groundhog Day where he goes on the same date over and over until his game is on lockdown. I had a bigger heart than the guy at the park with the three-legged dog. I was cooler than James Dean’s stunt double.

Dessert arrives with our second bottle of wine. It is endgame now. I want to get my hands on her mammary glands.To test the air, I joke that she is too drunk to ride her bike home. To allow a beautiful young rose like her to ride home drunk, without a helmet, would be totally irresponsible on my part. I don’t want to live with that guilt. Why not crash at my place? She laughs and then eye-fucks me a little bit, but ultimately refuses my offer. She suggests coming over for a drink at another time, but not tonight. She can’t. My date has her bicycle, and she is riding it to work tomorrow. End of story.

I excuse myself to go to the toilet. Alone in the bathroom, I get out my mobile phone and call my friend Chan. Chan is a man that is not afraid to break the law, and he owes me a favour so I ask him to take care of something for me. He says it will take 30 minutes.

I return to the table and start telling a funny story about some idiot misadventure that I had in high school. I play it cool. Drinking my wine, slowly. About 30 minutes later, the cheque arrives. I pay it and we make our way up the stairs and out of the restaurant. Once outside a terrible realization comes over my date: someone has stolen her bike. Tragic. How on earth will she get home now? I suggest that we walk back to my place, sober up a bit, then I will drive her home. She agrees.

I don’t want to bore you with the petty details of how one thing led to another, but the moral of the story is it was her moon-time and I got nowhere. So if you ever consider stealing a girl’s bike in order to get her to go home with you, don’t bother. Karma is a motherfucker that will move entire moons to screw up your game

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HOROSCOPEs Words Ernold Sane

‘‘It’s time to get positive. That bagel butt look was

never in so get a babysitter, hit the gym and work off those cottage cheese thighs. Halloween’s on Tuesday so don’t make it a cheat day. Don’t be all bitter balls and buttered rolls; at least you’ve got Craigslist. ’’ — Libra Sept 24-Oct 23

Scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 22

As the Autumn leaves fall and coat the ground, so is the hair dropping out of your crusty scalp. As the leaves turn to autumn brown, your orange spray-tan skin turns to forest green. Your head is as dried and cratered as the Gaza strip and just as many people are fleeing the area. Your native name would be flakey dried skull weasel.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 You’ve achieved your broke artist look, although you look more like a homeless banker than a woolly jumpered bearded shoplifter. Your attempt at cool is weak and watered down, a lot like the ghb-laced cocktails you keep trying to force on girls. Six hurricanes couldn’t clean off a dirtbag like you.

AQUARIUS

As summer comes to a close, so will your relationship with that super hot whore you’ve been trading scabies with. You deserve to be slapped out of town coz no one likes you. It’s time to pack your bundle you fucking hobo.

So make like Evangeline Lilly and get LOST.

PISCES

Feb 20-March 20

Nice fucking crocs you rubber shoe wearing pile of liquid shit. You’re not from Holland; if you were your face would look like a toilet after Carney Wilson dropped two shit bags inside it. Keep listening to your Feist CD and burning Nag Champa incense until your purple and orange dreads don’t stink.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 ARIES Your pathetic career as a “musician” is quickly coming to an end. They’ve thrown you out like the smelly piece of trash that you are and, soon, your lover will smell your sour vag and do the same. So find a rock that you can’t possibly smoke and throw your stanky posh ‘pannies’ under it.

Jan 21-Feb 19

March 21-April 20

You’ve been Googling earth a little too much and now you’ve drawn attention to yourself. The CIA wanna know why you’re so interested in searching ‘big hole’ in Baghdad and ‘targets’ in Israel. However, you’ll throw them off their investigation by constantly searching ‘Vice City.’

TAURUS

April 21-May 21

It’s that time of year again! Hemorrhoids. Other than that things are pretty uneventful leading up to the middle of the month where you’ll encounter a break-in. Your possible attacker will fortunately see your hemorrhoids and scram leaving you bewildered, pantless and unsatisfied.

GEMINI

May 22-June 21

You’ll have more luck finding love on Halloween than any other night this year. This is only because on Halloween everyone has a scabby face, shit make-up, a vintage odour, and they’re creepy. So you’ll fit right in along with your mum.

Cancer

Leo

July 23-Aug 22

Smoking is finally kicking in your impotence. It is also the reason that your underwear smells like broccoli.

No point in quitting now, the amount of drugs in your system would make your baby look like a human hippo with down syndrome and a facial bullet wound. Keep it up or be let ‘down’.

VIRGO

Aug 23-Sept 23

No need to rent that fat-suit for Halloween. Boom-baahda-boom-baahda. You’ll save so much cash on prosthetics this year that you’ll be able to afford the extra tranny hooker. She’s on her way back from Bangkok, with no cock, and she’s ready to paint the town red. Happy Halloweiner!

June 22-July 22

If you left the city like we wish you would, you’d be missed as much as that annoying aussie crocodile loser.

At least he played with death on a daily basis, you just moved STDs around your neighbourhood (except that one that made it over to Japan and killed three).

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