ION Magazine issue 34

JAMIE TRAVIS LILY ALLEN CANCER BATS BODY WORLDS

FREE

NOV 06

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Editor’s Letter Rednecks are about to deliver a chair shot to the back of our heads.

Of The Month Racy pet photos, video games about killing terrorists, movies about Daniel Johnston and a new store in town.

Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam confesses what we’ve always suspected.

Horoscopes Sorry ladies, he’s taken.

The Perry Bible Fellowship

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Body Worlds When I die, I’m donating my entire body to Gunther von Hagens… except my ass, which is going to the Smithsonian.

Never Forget (Dinosaur) Some guy who’s been vandalizing city property is pissed that his rights are being violated.

FASHION 18 Undercover Down with pants!

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Jamie Travis Be nice to this guy. He’s going places and if you play your cards right, he might take you with him.

Android 207 Let’s settle this once and for all. Androids do dream of electric sheep. Case closed.

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No Luck Club In Vancouver, first you get the Happiness, then you get the Prosperity, then you get the women.

Lily Allen Not a lesbian! Just thought we’d clear that up in case you’re one of those people who believes everything they read in the UK tabloids.

Cancer Bats I’m not a doctor or anything but it’s my understanding cancer, like vampirism, is primarily spread through bat bites.

Poster Art: Brandon Velestuk For some, non-stop LSD flashbacks are a hindrance. For Brandon, they inspire the poster for next week’s rock show.

Album Reviews

Volume 4 Number 9 Issue 34 Publisher

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Art Director Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Assistant Art Director Erin Ashenhurst Design Assistant Leslie Ma Advertising DJ Lampitt dj@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editor Agata Zurek Website Andrew Bobic Contributing Writers: Keith Carman, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sarah Hutchinson, Sam Kerr, Marielle Kho, Emily Khong, Robert Robot, Ernold Sane, Adam O. Thomas, Elizabeth Wolber Contributing Photographers & Illustrators: Toby Marie Bannister, Eydis S. Luna Einarsdottir, Syx Langemann, Jason Lang, Mark Maryanovich, Mike Shantz ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. Highresolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an Xbox 360 can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Xbox 360.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office: 604.696.9ION Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Photography: Mark Maryanovich Subject: Trevor Chan from No Luck Club

EDITOR’S LETTER

Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

So I’m sitting in my underwear completely wasted and watching professional wrestling. I can get as pretentious about popular culture as the next person but when it really boils down, in my spare time I like to watch grown men kick the crap out of each other for the amusement of 20,000 screaming hillbillies holding brightly coloured bristol board with frighteningly unclever slogans written on them. Well that and volunteering with the elderly, which I find equally enjoyable.

This isn’t some lame revel in low culture with ironic detachment statement. It’s actually good times and I enjoy watching people in spandex hit each other with steel chairs while the referee is distracted. It’s raw and carnal and I know the people aren’t getting hurt as badly as it looks like they are. It’s like watching Roman gladiators duel without the religious persecution and people getting eaten by tigers.

So I’m watching wrestling and they have a promo on for an upcoming Pay Per View event, which is like the lifeline of professional wrestling.

It started out with just Wrestlemania, but they were so successful they have one every month now. In a Pay Per View event you get to see all the big matches where titles change hands and new legends of sports entertainment are born. This particular event they were plugging was called Cyber Sunday.

The premise of Cyber Sunday is that it’s fully interactive. Fans of wrestling can vote online to decide what type of match their wrestlers will compete in, who their opponents will be, who 10 IONMAGAZINE.CA

their partners will be and who will referee the match. What a great idea I’m thinking. It only took 2000 years but finally someone got democracy right. And then I start to think about it a little more and come to a horrible realization: rednecks have officially discovered the internet.

Sure the warning signs were there: Jeff Foxworthy routines on Youtube, a Kid Rock MySpace profile and an all too thorough entry for Larry the Cable Guy on Wikipedia. But I didn’t think anything of it until I heard of Cyber Sunday, which is like the coming out party for the rednecks discovering the internet.

Let’s think about the ramifications of this for a second. It’s tough enough to find an apartment or a job as is. If white trash discover Craigslist, which is already over populated with over caffeinated people hitting the refresh button every 20 seconds, then we’re fucked. Because we’re all equals behind a computer screen.

It’s not just that. Basically, there’s three ways to make money on the internet: porno, gambling and information mining. Every time you sign up for a site they’ll ask you a little information about yourself in a questionnaire: reply, give us feedback, let us know your income and how much you drink.

This information is accumulated, then sold off to another company who is trying to come up with the perfect energy drink advertising campaign that speaks to you. I used to resist this and lied on every answer and said I lived in Burkina Faso. But then I figured my outrageous lies told them more about me than the boring truth.

Shortly after 9/11, all the major

phone companies handed over their records to the NSA to create the largest database of information ever assembled. Ignore their Orwellian methods and intentions for a second.

They have names, home numbers, records of every call made over the past five years and how long that call was. Just think of what an awesome cell phone package they could crank out with all that information.

So there are all these rednecks

out there, presumably on computers made of wood with rotary dialup connections tainting this pool of information that is used to come up with new products for us. There are a lot of them too—enough to sway the results of an entire election—and their opinion matters just as much as yours. Malt Liquor flavored chew for pregnant teens surely can’t be far off.

Be afraid because consumerism as we know it is about to be ruined.

ION THE PRIZE Photography Syx Langemann

Models: David Loewen and Miko McKenzie

For the prize this month we have an assortment of men’s and women’s clothing from RVCA. For over a decade now, RVCA (pronounced ‘rooka’) have been making fashionable active wear. RVCA’s clothing deftly walks the line between style and comfort for a look that seems natural on the racks of a boutique or the wooden skids in a skate shop. To enter go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click on contests.

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Of THe MoNTh

DVD The Devil and Daniel Johnston Here’s a neat little documentary about one of the music industry’s great outsider artists. Squeaky voice, clever wordplay and pretty much batshit crazy, that’s Daniel Johnston. He never achieved the celebrity he desired but did gain notoriety from his quirky home-recordings and having Kurt Cobain wear a shirt he made. In this film we get to hear all sorts of stories like how he pulled the keys out of the ignition of a plane in mid-flight and appeared on a radio show while hospitalized in a mental institution. Told through interviews and home recordings, The Devil and Daniel Johnston has a lot more heart than your typical talking head documentary and doesn’t come across as tacky or exploitative (example: they don’t refer to Johnston as batshit crazy). Consequently, filmmaker Jeff Feuerzeig won the Director’s award at Sundance for this film that is sure to appeal to fans of Johnston as well as people who haven’t heard of him.

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DVD Strangers With Candy

PET Layla

Strangers with Candy was a cult hit on Comedy Central that ran for three seasons, introduced the world to Stephen Colbert and saw the cast get accused of being white supremacists. But they’re not white supremacists and Colbert has a black friend named Allen to prove it. The show was about Jerri Blank (played by rubber-faced Amy Sedaris), a 46year-old boozer, user and loser who is trying to get her life back on track by enrolling in high school.

Taking the form of a demented after school special, it was pretty much the most audacious and hilarious television show of all time. Strangers with Candy the film serves as a prequel to the television series.

Like any attempt to capitalize on a cult phenomenon, this isn’t as good as the original. But if you haven’t seen the series yet, it’s a good little primer. If you’re looking for bonus laughs, Sedaris’ character is based on Florrie Fisher, an ex-junkie street prostitute turned let’s-scare-teenagers-straight public speaker, and some of her public speeches, which the writers ripped off verbatim, are on YouTube.

We received a few different pictures of Layla, all of which radiate the sort of sultry amorousness you would expect to find on the cover of a Mariah Carey album. This particular glamour shot is decidedly the most racy. Sensual lighting, legs extended, nipples on full display—come on, if this isn’t kitty porn, er, artistic nude photography, I don’t know what is. Layla’s owner claims she is “wise.” Clearly not wise enough to foresee this smutty little escapade ruining her future in politics. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.

STORE Heaven’s Playground

GAME Splinter Cell Double Agent

CONTRIBUTOR Emily Khong

Finally, Vancouverites can frolic in the luscious post-modern sanctuary of Heaven’s Playground.

GSUS Industries has opened its first North American retail store in Vancouver, joining other Heaven’s Playgrounds in The Netherlands, Belgium, Spain, Japan, and Russia. At the store opening, thrown in conjunction with ION, liquor flowed freely, sinfully good music filled the air, and hoards of ridiculously good-looking people mingled amongst trendy Dutch clothing. OK, so it won’t usually be that heavenly—but it is a regular oasis for unique high fashion with everything from denim to swimwear. With their headquarters in Amsterdam, GSUS strives to create a fashion forward utopia where “the rebellious provoking personality gets free reign.” Sounds like there won’t be any supervision on this playground—so go on and play naughty with the other fallen angels, GSUS encourages it!

850 Granville St. Vancouver Tel 604-646-4787

Yo, throw away your PS2 or Xbox already and get a next generation console. After Christmas it’s useless and more importantly, you won’t be able to play this game. In the highly anticipated fourth edition of the Splinter Cell series, the stealth military espionage franchise makes the leap to the Xbox 360. You’re Sam Fisher (voiced by Michael Ironside from Scanners, V and Total Recall), an NSA agent. Fortunately you get to do things that are a lot more fun than listening to people’s phone calls, like sneaking up behind terrorists and killing them.

But as you’re doing this, you have to go undercover and join an upstart, homegrown terrorist organization, sneak around killing terrorists and help them in a variety of locales—maybe save the world if you’re good enough. When you’re done with that, hit up the multiplayer game and waste all your friends. Or at least the ones who are smart enough to have hucked their obsolete gaming systems.

Emily is a Vancouver based music writer. She’s also a Scorpio but doesn’t get the whole mysterious and sexy thing. By day, she’s an elementary school substitute teacher, by night, she takes in as many concerts as she can afford. Crossing the one-year mark as a contributor for ION, she happily continues to indulge in band interviews or chocolate, whatever is most readily available.

It should be noted that although you can’t see him in this picture, there’s an elementary school bully manipulating her arm and saying, “Stop hitting yourself Emily. Stop hitting yourself Emily.”

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ARTS & CULTURE

WAnnA See A DeAd Body?

BODY WORLDS

Words Sarah Hutchinson Illustration Mike Shantz So pretty much everybody likes seeing naked people, right? Well honey, you haven’t seen naked people until you’ve seen them without their skin on.

And that’s exactly what you’ll see if you visit the Body Worlds exhibition at Science World that’s running until January 2007 (bodyworlds.com). My roomie and I went to take a gander in October and let me tell you, this show is not for the faint of heart.

Sure, we walked into the exhibit knowing a bit about what to expect, what with the pictures of muscle-bound corpses plastered all over Vancouver, but seeing a picture of what looks like an anatomy model doesn’t really prepare you for stark naked anatomy models in face-to-face reality. They look back at you.

Here’s what the exhibit was like: We walked into the first room and saw isolated skeletal pieces lying around as if we’d entered some mad scientist’s playground. Everything from femurs to teeny tiny ear bones was exhibited in Plexiglas coffins. (Ear bones include the malleus, incus and stapes and are the smallest bones in your body. Now you can say you learned something.)

Before I continue, I should clarify that I’m not particularly morbid (although some might disagree), but I do love scary movies and all things creepy.

Maybe that’s why I liked this exhibit so much.

At first it was easy not to think of the pieces as parts of real people. The feet, bones and body slices were backlit and shiny, like cocktails at an über-modern martini bar. But as we progressed through the exhibit, the displays got more and more life-like.

You know that feeling you get where you catch a glimpse of someone staring at you out of the corner of your eye? Well, as I stood inspecting a spinal column twisted like a snake (it made me think of my sister’s 12-hour operation for her scoliosis) the hairs on the back of my neck started to stand up. I turned around, ready to give whoever was staring at me the stink-eye, and realized my glaring powers would be of no help.

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The person watching me was the Hurdler, a Plastinate—a word used to describe all the preserved bodies in the exhibit. He was positioned—not surprisingly, considering his name—like he was jumping a hurdle, coming towards me, glassy eyes staring, with one leg outstretched, forever frozen mid-leap.

That’s when I really started feeling creeped out.

Amidst the cases filled with organs and myriad body parts, the exhibit features a plethora of these Plastinates: people who have donated their bodies to the Institute for Plastination to be used to help educate the public about the inner workings of the human body.

Gunther von Hagens invented Plastination in the late 70s. It is a weird process. Basically, without using words that have too many syllables, if you sign on to have it done, after you die, all the fluids in your body are removed and lab technicians inject your cells with a polymer that hardens over time.

Your body is then positioned into a pose and presto, you’re stuck like that for all time. Gives a new meaning to the idea of eternal life, doesn’t it?

Throughout the exhibit, quotes by Nietzsche, DaVinci, Shakespeare and Goethe adorn the walls.

Obviously, we are meant to think that von Hagens ranks alongside these respected men who changed the way we think about the world.

What seems odd to me is that throughout the exhibit, the bodies are not referred to as people – they’re always called Plastinates. They no longer have traditional birthdays; the exhibit only reveals the year they were converted into anatomy teaching aids, and art. It’s odd, because one of the main selling points of the exhibit is that these are all real people.

The diseased lung in the second room belonged to a smoker who probably stood outside his office building at 10 a.m. complaining about how his job sucked.The skeleton that stands grinning in a corner probably once hugged his—her? their? its?—kids, friends and/or family. The slice of brain showing off a tumour was once inside someone’s head. (FYI, tumours are really ugly—kind of like Klingon Jell-O.) We saw a backlit slice of a woman’s rectum (yeah, rectum) in a state of extreme constipation.

Her shit, literally, is on display. I wonder if that’s the kind of immortality she expected when she donated her body to the Institute for Plastination.

(Suggested subtitled: An Illustration of Socially

Embarrassing Problems.)

But really, it’s the toenails that got to me. Such a seemingly small thing, but toenails are what drove home the point that Body Worlds isn’t a movie and it isn’t anatomy class. It’s dead people, filleted and positioned like dolls. I have toenails. They have toenails. Everybody has toenails. The person sitting next to me on the bus this morning might one day be part of this exhibit or one like it. For me, the toenails made it crystal clear: these are people.

Is it art? I’m sure it’s meant to be. Let me tell you about a few of the noteworthy people on display. (Let’s call them what they are – people. It sounds less alien.) There was the Praying Skeleton, a kneeling figure holding a delicately veined heart in his hands. His shrivelled ears couldn’t hear a response, even if one was coming. There was Obesity Revealed, a figure reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock, but unable to bid us “good evening.” There was the Pedalling Woman, split into three parts and lying on her back, paused in an aerobic workout.

There are other great bodies too, like the Juxtaposed Couple, the Archer, the Skateboarder, the Skin Man, the Orthopaedic Woman, the Walker, the On-Point Dancer… the list goes on. There is also a room dedicated to the preservation of embryos and foetal development. That room was pretty sad and, being the last in the exhibit, was a bit of a downer.

Luckily my friend and I found the gift shop and consoled ourselves with some retail therapy.

Having read through the visitors’ comments, I’d say the response from the public regarding this exhibit seems to be very positive. Words and phrases like “fascinating,”“informative” and “gross but totally cool” were repeated a lot. One nurse wished the exhibit had been around when she was in school. I saw only a couple of negative comments, but they were about the price rather than the exhibition itself.

And maybe that’s fair. Adult admission is $25. Bringing a family of four would be a serious investment and for only an hour and a half of entertainment, that’s an expensive ninety minutes of education.

But to me, this seems to be the kind of thing that’s worth paying for. Body Worlds is unique. It’s something most people have never seen before and probably never imagined. I mean, I can now say that I’ve legally seen and touched naked corpses, in the flesh. Pun definitely intended.

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ARTS & CULTURE

YOU NEVER FORGET (DINOSAUR) Getting Ripped Off

Words Jen Selk Photography Fiona Garden I hate it when people copy me. I accept there is some aspect of mimicry in almost everything we do these days, but every now and again, most of us get the feeling that someone is ripping us off. That’s the current plight of a Vancouverarea graffiti artist whose work may have been snaked by several online shops and sellers. Back in November of 2005, ION did a little story about Vancouver DIY artists and one of the artists featured was the never forget (dinosaur) guy. If you live here, you may have seen his tag around the city. Last month I received an email from the artist (who goes by “never forget (dinosaur)” when discussing this aspect of his work) asking for our help. See, while innocently surfing the internet recently, he came across a number of products bearing the never forget emblem being sold by and through online companies. And like any right-minded artist, his initial reaction was, ‘These guys are totally ripping me off.’

The first company the never forget guy—let’s call him NFD, since like most street artists, he prefers not to reveal his real name in print—discovered was Bustedtees.com, which is currently selling shirts emblazoned with a cartoon dinosaur and the words “never forget”. Sound familiar? The design is not an exact replica of the aforementioned tag, but the concept is the same. In the words of NFD himself,“this company… has obviously stolen my tag, cleaned it up and are now making a profit off of it.”

I looked at the tee, but wasn’t fully convinced. However, a little research turned up the fact that lots of online distributors are making coin off the never forget concept. Zazzle.com has got one that has the dinosaur, the slogan and an American flag thrown in. At CafePress.com someone is hawking buttons and t-shirts that feature exact replicas of the Vancouver dino-tag. Exact, as in, it looks like they used tracing paper.

NFD says, “It’s pretty infuriating...The person who submitted the image to CafePress actually stole my tag. It was taken from a photograph I found on a couple of public domain photography sites so they are actually the lines I made.”

I can’t say if that’s true for sure, and I wouldn’t be able to tell something like that just by looking, but then again, it’s not my art, and photographs of graffiti are certainly easily accessible on sites like Flickr.com.

Now, before you start thinking this story is one-sided, I should tell you that we did do our research. I emailed BustedTees back at the beginning of September asking when they started distributing the shirt, where the design came from, and if they were aware that a Vancouver artist was claiming to have created the design they were and are selling. It took a little while, but they eventually replied.

Someone named David Cho, who didn’t define his position at the company or the capacity in which he was commenting, sent along a short and not particularly satisfying message.

According to Cho, BustedTees started selling the never forget tees in March of 2006 after having received the idea, submitted by a user, in January of this year.

“The design itself was done in house by our head designer,” he wrote.

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“We had no idea that our shirt was similar to anything done by anyone else,” continued Cho. “Any similarity is pure coincidence. If someone owns the copyright to the design we print that we were unaware of, we encourage them to submit proof of this ownership so that they can be compensated properly. If there’s anything else we can do to help, let us know.”

Now, I’m no lawyer, but it’s my understanding that you don’t need to register copyright on your art. There are two kinds, registered and unregistered; but basically, if you write, paint, or create something, you own it. Copyright exists automatically. So I wondered what would constitute “proof” in this situation.

After receiving that initial response from BustedTees, I emailed Cho with follow up questions. Do users who submit ideas to your company do so anonymously? Will you reveal the submitter’s identity? How much was that person compensated? Would Bustedtees consider pulling the shirt from their line? Etc. I also attached a copy of the never forget article we published in November 2005, to show that the concept certainly did exist before it was submitted to BustedTees. Would that serve as proof?

I thought I was opening the door of communication, doing a good deed for a local artist, being a good concerned citizen. Maybe I was being naive. Since sending that email, I haven’t heard a peep from David Cho, nor from anyone else from BustedTees.

Speaking of not returning requests for comment, CafePress and the private seller behind the never forget products on their site have also largely ignored repeated requests for comment. Despite having a published Intellectual Property Rights Policy that states,“We encourage intellectual property rights owners to contact us if they believe that a user of our service has infringed their rights,” and despite my sending multiple emails beginning on September 25, 2006, I couldn’t get a response from the company’s Intellectual Property Rights Agent, Candice Carr. At first I thought I hadn’t jumped through the right bureaucratic hoops with my messages, then that the company was possibly so busy with intellectual property rights infringement complaints they just hadn’t had time to reply. But mostly I figured they were ignoring me.

Eventually, just before press time and after threatening to run the story regardless of if they provided any input, I did receive a response from PR Manager Marc Cowlin. But like all responses about this issue so far, it wasn’t very satisfying. “If the artist in question feels that his rights are being infringed upon, we have a quick and cost effective manner for dealing with this issue. He can submit a notification [adhering to various policies]… We can then address his concerns,” he said.

I wasn’t looking for anyone to admit any copyright infringement, just for a little insight into how they might deal with this specific situation. But me not being the primary person with the complaint seems to have stalled the process.

Cowlin didn’t address or answer a single one of the questions I posed (which were similar to those asked of BustedTees). That said, as mentioned, CafePress merchants are private sellers (like on eBay). Cowlin did promise to pass my questions onto the seller, but by press time in late-October I had yet to receive any response.

So what’s a poor Canadian street artist to do? In his first message to me, NFD said,“I know this is something I have to expect due to the fact that when it comes to graffiti or guerrilla art you do not have the opportunities to copyright

ARTS & CULTURE

your work, however it is still somewhat insulting, especially to see my image manipulated in such a hideous way. The childlike depiction of the dinosaur is crucial in the conceptual idea surrounding the work. This shiny hip version [by BustedTees] totally destroys the context and concept.”

He’s upset, but he doesn’t feel like he has a lot of rights. Graffiti is, of course, illegal, but does that negate someone’s copyright? And since when should anyone expect that they’re going to be ripped off? It raises a lot of issues about the nature of these anonymous user-content websites and companies. It’s sad, in a way. NFD was careful to point out that he’s not angry about this situation so much as upset. “I don’t mind the image and message being experienced by more people,” he says. “But I am extremely disappointed that it had to be mutated so much… what with the cartoon dinosaurs and clean fonts and such. I am not quite sure about the whole authorship principle. It is extremely unstable for me. This is the reason I make free art… I’m conflicted in how to deal [with this]. Mainly I am just sad about the whole business. It is a shitty feeling to become part of the culture industry in such an involuntary way.”

NFD has begun to consider getting legal representation to get the whole mess sorted out. His finances are limited, so he’s not likely to have an easy time of it. “I am a poor university student who could really use the $19.99 per shirt BustedTees is making off me,” he says. He’s planning to screen and sell his own “authentic” never forget shirts to help cover his legal costs. He’s also considering revealing his identity, even though he fears it will open him up to persecution.“I think it might be time,” he says.

It’s hard to guess how much good any of this is going to do. Even if the various companies already distributing never forget products do eventually stop, plenty of money has already likely been made, and the concept has already been prolifically shared. That’s not quite what NFD had in mind when he first took his idea to the Vancouver streets.

Want a never forget (dinosaur) shirt made by NFD himself? Wanna send the guy some support? Email him at neverforgetdinosaurs@yahoo.com

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UNDERCOVER Photography by Fiona Garden | Produced and Styled by Vanessa Leigh Hair and Make-up—Jon Hennessey (www.THEYrep.com) Styling Assistant—Shiva Shabani Models—Jesse (www.richardsmodels.com) and Tricia (www.talentco.net) Clothing: Jesse—Coat by Trovata (Boys’co), scarf by Ernest Cut & Sew (Jonathan+Olivia) Tricia­­—Coat by Miss Sixty (Nacional)

Jesse—Coat by Oliver Spencer (Jonathan+Olivia) Tricia­­—Coat by Alix K (Leone), underwear (La vie en Rose)

Jesse—Coat by J.Lindeberg (Boys’co), scarf (stylist’s own) Tricia­­—Coat by Firetrap (Plush)

Jesse—Coat by Mackage (Plush) Tricia­­—Sweetface (Leone)

FILM

THe PLAIdest Boy in THe World Jamie Travis

Words Michael Mann Photo Eydis S. Luna Einarsdottir/Studio 80s If Entourage has you hunting for someone to befriend before their career in the film industry takes off, you should consider cozying up to Jamie Travis. After the 27 year old UBC film grad got people talking about him in 2005 with his short Patterns, Travis didn’t rest on his modest laurels. Rather, he made three more shorts, Patterns 2, Patterns 3 and The Saddest Boy in the World. All three screened in the Toronto and Vancouver film festivals this fall, setting what he calls an “unofficial record” for most shorts made by one person to do the Canadian festival circuit.

Prepare to be impressed if the idea of a Canadian short conjures up images of a punk kid messing around with mom’s handicam on the weekend.

Despite working with a small crew on the Patterns Trilogy—which is about the mysterious and bizarre relationship between two neighbours—it doesn’t look like your typical bedroom production. The Saddest Boy in the World—which is about a nine year old who plans to hang himself at his birthday party—is equally impressive, and was made with a crew of over 60 people.

His shorts combine the macabre subject matter and delivery of David Lynch and Todd Solondz with the art direction of Wes Anderson. The end result is something that seems wholly original and much more than pastiche. But despite the obvious Wes Anderson comparisons one can make, Travis claims he isn’t a fan, though he acknowledges the similarities. “What I really responded to when I saw The Royal Tennenbaums was that I felt a kinship with Anderson because I like to think I have that same attention to detail. That’s what I’m interested in. I like movie’s that are shot wide and the audience is active and eyes are roving from left to right and having to pick up details in the foreground and the background. Don’t let the audience be too passive.”

Passivity isn’t really an option when watching his films as the mise en scene is handled with the meticulousness of a serial killer and immediately draws you in. “Art direction is my big thing, “ says Travis. “People would tell you I’m very controlling in terms of the art department. That’s the thing that comes across most strongly in my films. I don’t micromanage lighting and I don’t even micromanage performance. Working with actors is certainly not my greatest strength and I sort of just let them be.” But, of course, acting and narrative 26 IONMAGAZINE.CA

aren’t really the point with Travis’ films.

His obsession with the visual experience is the reason why you won’t be able to find his stuff on YouTube, even though it would certainly garner him a larger audience than screening his work in festivals. “I’ve always been opposed to putting my films in their entirety on the internet. There’s a certain prestige to playing at a festival and having a glitzy premier. For me, one of the most important things about making films is watching them with an audience.

As soon as you put them online, you’re not watching them with an audience…

It’s hard when you put so much work and money and energy into a project and then it’s [on a tiny computer] screen. I want it big. I want sound all around.”

So while audiences may be enjoying his work, they aren’t very big audiences.

There’s barely any money to be made and not a whole lot of acclaim to be garnered from making a really good short. Traditionally, they’re used as a vehicle into advertising or feature filmmaking. Travis plans to do both in the future but believes there’s more to it than that. “Short films are also an art form. In every aspect of my life, I’m not capable of simply using something as a stepping stone.

I need to throw myself into everything. So yes, they are building blocks to commercials and features but at the same time they’re totally an art form of their own,“ explains Travis.“I like that you can make tight little stories and you have an automatic constraint. So far in my career, I haven’t felt equipped to work without constraints. For me, length is a very useful constraint. I’ve been trying to wrap my head around writing a feature for these past few years and a lot of these shorts I’ve made this year are responses to struggling with writing my feature.

Now that I‘ve made five legitimate shorts I’m finally capable—emotionally and psychologically—of writing a feature.” If Travis can pull off a 90 minute feature that keeps your attention like his 15 minutes shorts do, then surely he’ll have his own stable of agents, managers and leeches all hugging it out behind the scenes. We’re hoping to be a part of it. That’s why we’re being so nice.

The Patterns Trilogy is playing on November 28 at the Anza Club and can be purchased from www.thepatternstrilogy.com. The Saddest Boy in the World will air on the CBC show Canadian Reflections this spring.

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Stills from ‘The Saddest Boy in the World’

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Stills from ‘The Patterns Trilogy’

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DrEAming of Electric Sheep Android 207 Words Adam O. Thomas On the surface, Android 207 is a simple stop-motion animated short about an android trapped in a maze. What is surprising with this film is the eerie humanity of the android as it faces the pitfalls and dangers lurking around the corners. There is a real soul in that little guy, and we feel for him as he deals with frustrating logic puzzles and threats of physical danger. But director Paul Whittington isn’t just making cutesy little shorts, there’s a darker world behind his movies, one where we are all part of a greater experiment.

How’d you get started making movies?

It’s something I’ve kind of being doing for quite a long time, 10 years or so. In high school we used to mess around with the old camcorders and stuff, just goofing around but I guess I started taking it more seriously probably five years ago.

What drew you towards stop motion animation?

I used to do it when I was a kid, with an old super-8 camera and it’s been in my head ever since. And I kept on having the urge to do it. But when I made a film called Spare Parts, I wasn’t sure how I was going to approach it, I originally wanted to do it with still imagery, then I figured I would put some stop-motion into it just to try it out, and that was basically my first film with stop motion. But I was 30 IONMAGAZINE.CA

really just trying it out. I kind of liked doing it so I made a few more.

Do you ever get frustrated working on something like that?

Oh I get very frustrated. It can be very hard to do, very demanding.

What’s the hardest part of stop motion for you?

I guess the actual animation can be hard… well not hard but you have to concentrate. It can take several hours to do one shot, and so it can be very frustrating when you screw up.

You seem to have a fascination with androids and robots. Where does that come from?

Mostly from science fiction, like Isaac Asimov, when I was younger I used to read a lot of that. But I’m interested in technology, in the future of it anyway.

Not so much the fiction of it but the reality of it, like artificial intelligence and cybernetics and I guess I put it into my work because it is of interest to me.

Do you think that technology is going to save us or destroy us?

For me I think that it’s the one thing that is destroying us, but it could also be the one thing that could save us. Providing we can advance to that point. I believe it’s nature, that technology is made by hu-

mans and humans are a part of nature, so it’s just natural evolution that we’ve been able to advance to this point.

What about artificial intelligence then, when computers become aware of themselves and don’t need us anymore?

I don’t believe in that at all. Artificial intelligence, if it were created, it would be just that, a form of intelligence. It would basically be human like, except that it would be made by humans. And how do humans act? We all have our own points of view, and that’s what intelligence is, independent thought and not being programmed. So any machine with artificial intelligence would have its own point of view.

So would you consider yourself a geek or a nerd then?

Oh I guess a bit of a geek, but not too much. In terms of modern technology like computers, I’m mainly into that because I have to be to do my work, so on that side I guess I would be considered a geek. But other than that I hate using computers. www.carrotkid.com www.youtube.com/watch?v=mDvVKJtLocQ

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NO LUCK CLUb Photography by Mark Maryanovich

Easy life, easy mone y TWO THREE, TWO EIGHT Easy Life, Easy Money. Has life been easy or full of money for No Luck Club? Probably not but things are looking up for this instrumental hip-hop trio who are dropping their second full length album, Prosperity, this November. Good Luck Club might be a more apt name for them. As in good luck trying to front these cats in a turntablist battle ‘cuz they’ll make your head spin with their dizzying array of beats and skills. Armed with an arsenal of music and ideas so expansive it makes the average crate digger weep with jealousy, The Brothers Chan, Matt and Trevor, are two of the nicest guys you’ll ever meet. Along with recent addition Paul Belen, aka Pluskratch, they are a force to be reckoned with and some of the best in the business (DJ Shadow, Kid Koala. Dan the Automator and Cut Chemist) have shown them respect. Prosperity—the second in a triad of releases paying tribute to their cultural deities—lays down different soundscapes in four “suites” so aurally rich there’s a little something for everybody’s ears. But honestly, anybody can get with the sounds that astound when No Luck Club turns on and rocks out. www.noluckclub.com www.myspace.com/noluckclub

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BAngers and CAsh Lily Allen

Words Emily Khong If you are ever in need of a tour guide when you find yourself in London, look no further than Lily Allen to take the wheel. You can’t get more Brit than this.

Her single, “LDN,” is a musical shout-out to her hometown that references the city’s poverty and drug scene; the video is a bleak portrait of London life compared to the sex-brimmed postcard view of Fergie’s “London Bridge.” Perhaps the Dutchess should have done her homework before filming as “it’s actually Tower Bridge that’s she’s dancing in front of, not London Bridge.” “In fact,” Allen adds,“London Bridge doesn’t even exist in London. It’s quite funny.”

Lily Allen’s light girlish voice tackles any and every subject about her life and surroundings. Her debut album, Alright, Still, is pop that is “a little bit more interesting than the normal.” No doubt, there will be comparisons to Mike Skinner (a.k.a. The Streets) as their vocal deliveries are both half-spoken, half-sung, with all attitude, humour, and accent intact. She is, however, leaving the freestyle rapping to the likes of Lady Sovereign and rarely flexes her freestyle skills. On the album there are samples and beats galore as the disc plays with ska, hiphop, and dance. While the bright calypso horns of “LDN” will make you long for summer, Allen’s lyrical tales of revenge are fit for any season of heartache. Just listen to “Smile” and you’ll hear the sweet ska beats and playful light melody masking Allen’s thoughts of wreaking havoc on her ex.

Revenge can be sweet but the 21-year-old’s music is more about problemsolving: “I’ve always been quite determined to not become a preacher, but I think if you ignore issues that go on in everyday life then you’re being ignorant and I think people need to hear about these things. But at the same time, I’m not the person to tell people what’s right and what’s wrong… but I can highlight the things that maybe need to be looked at.” Fans have been coming to her MySpace page in droves in hopes that she can help them out and “leave a comment on my page.” She continues to run it herself despite the numerous “friend requests” she receives: “I don’t really want to give it to the record company to handle it [alone], otherwise I’ll start seeing like Coldplay ad banners added to my page.”

As she’s making sure that her own words are being said by her (and not by someone else), her lyrics in “Take What You Want” reflect this need to be herself: “Say what you say, do what you do, feel what you feel, as long as it’s real.” The London-born singer explains that “I don’t really feel the need to be false for the sake of other people and I think a lot of what we base our lives on as a society is kind of irrelevant these days and I think people should actually get what we were put on this earth to do.” One of the hardest songs for Allen to write was the tender piano ballad “Littlest Things” because “it [was] the most honest, upfront, 38 IONMAGAZINE.CA

raw and significant at that time.” It’s easy to see how Allen isn’t afraid to share her personal matters. Maybe that’s why girls look up to her as a role model.That, and she has a wicked fashion sense; she’s the Cyndi Lauper of the ipod generation: vintage prom dresses, sneakers, wild hair and makeup, and big bling.

Come on, they both just want to have fun. Or as Allen would say,“I’m having the time of my life.”

Lindsay Lohan doesn’t care for rumours starting and neither does Allen as she has to deal with them every week. The most outrageous headline claims that she’s a lesbian. “I don’t know where they get half of it from,” says Allen.

“It’s just made up. I don’t understand it really. We live in a world where journalism isn’t journalism anymore, I fear. I think it’s bullshit, a lot of it”. She’s also tired of the “poor little rich girl” rap she gets. “It’s unnecessary,” Allen believes. “It just kind of proves to me how ignorant people can be...it’s true I come from a middle-class family but it’s only been recently that it’s been like that, you know? We haven’t been like that always. We’ve been through hard times together and come through it and we’re happy now.” Just read her personal blog to see how vocal this Brit sensation is about everything. As her famous family ties and upbringing are all public knowledge—her father Keith Allen, is a comedian and co-wrote New Order’s “World in Motion” while her mother, Alison Owen, produced Shaun of the Dead and Elizabeth—the only topic that is off limits is “probably nothing.”

The party girl image that’s splashed in the UK tabloids contradicts the softspoken “morning after” Allen whose perfect day in London (free from obligations) would consist of walking her dog in the park, reading and dining at a nice restaurant. What would she actually do if she had a whole day to herself right now? “Sleep,” she immediately says. There’s no time for bed as the petite singer has been making her rounds on the touring circuit. And it’s still all quite new for her:“I feel a lot more comfortable now than I did four months ago. I only started performing in May this year... I still don’t think it’s 100% there yet but it’s definitely getting good.”

Apart from her fun-loving ways on her debut album Alright, Still, Allen has churned out great interpretations of songs by fellow Brit artists like The Kooks and The Kaiser Chiefs. Flattery has gotten her somewhere as her cover of Keane’s “Everybody’s Changing” has landed her an invite from the band to duet with them on their upcoming UK tour. For now, Allen is set to tour with the Scissor Sisters this month but after that she says, “I have no idea.

I’m too scared to look at my schedule. All I can tell you is what’s happening tomorrow.”

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MUSIC

RApidly metaSTasizing CANCER BATS

Words and Photography Marielle Kho I originally wanted to ask these guys how they came up with this band name, but I thought that kind of question was so run-of-the-mill that I opted not to bring it up. I thoroughly regret it now. Perhaps you may know how they came up with this name, or have made up your own explanation as to how this band name came up. If this is the case, let me know. Enlighten me. Following is a conversation with their lead singer, Liam Cormier, who answered all my questions, except for the one that is just tearing me part.

How are the Cancer Bats going to conquer the world?

Playing as many shows as we can, partying as much as we can, having fun. We’re obviously going to be battling goblins and orcs, but that’s so run-of-the-mill.

I hear you’re in a gang.

I’m in a bit of a gang. It’s more just like me and a bunch of buddies all over the place. We’re called BSOD, which stands for Be Sweet or Die. Or it could stand for anything really, like Banging Sluts on Dust.

Do you guys have dress codes or gang colours, like the Bloods and the Crips?

We tend to wear all black, but that’s just because we’re death bros.

Do you have rivals?

No, it’s all about being sweet. We’re not like a “beat ‘em up” gang. I’ve never been in a fight in my life.

I’ve been in the middle, breaking them up, but I’ve never punched someone in the face. Fighting’s whack. If you wanna be a tough guy, go to the gym.

I read that you carry a knife around, though.

I do carry a knife, but that’s not for fighting. It’s for opening boxes and cutting things. You gotta have a knife sometimes. And when things are really shady, it makes you feel a bit more secure. You got your hand on your knife, and you’re like, “Alright, you crazies!”

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You guys look pretty fashioncore. You want to talk about fashion for a bit?

Whoa. I don’t know if we’re “fashioncore”, because that always denotes awkwardly coloured hair, big stretched out ears, and scarves. I will admit that we are fashionable motherfuckers, though. I know how to put on a pair of pants and how to sew them tight. We like looking sweet; I’d say we’re more like art fags. Or at least I am, maybe I’ll give myself that. Scott, our guitar player looks really handsome. He’s always wearing really rad metal shirts.

He has an ability to buy really good metal shirts.

When you’re in Grand Prairie and you can find a Death shirt, that’s a skill.

What do you think would be the best hair style to sport this autumn?

Whatever makes you feel confident! Whatever makes you want to get your groove on. Skinheads feel great with a nice, tight, shave, I feel good with a great devil lock, some people like some long bangers. It’s all about personal style and self-confidence. I wouldn’t try to enforce one type of haircut on everyone. Unless I could makes everyone’s look really bad, so that mine looks really good.

Three out of the four members of the Cancer Bats are straight edge. How serious are you guys about being straight edge?

It’s a really important thing in my life. I’m really proud of it, and really hyped on it. But if other people, like Mike, our drummer, want to drink, I don’t care at all; that’s his life. And I love him, you know?

If he wants me to grab him a beer, I’m grabbin’ him a beer. I don’t have any beef on anyone that wants to drink. That’s their lifestyle, and straight edge is mine. We’re not preachy guys at all. We don’t have songs about being straight edge. I think it’s a really positive thing, I think it’s great if it’s done in the right way, but if you’re really hateful against a lot of people, then you’re not getting yourself anywhere.

Being in the music industry, do you find it frustrating that you’re straight edge, but you’re constantly surrounded by these other bands

that want to party and get wasted?

No, because I’m still partying with them. If they’re not dicks, and they’re having fun, then yeah. Some of my best friends get drunk every day. That’s just how they’re living, and it’s not frustrating at all.

What’s the best thing about being straight edge?

Not spending a lot of money and being hung over. You can get a lot of cool clothes with X’s on it. I have Throwdown booty shorts; they’re a great straight edge band.

Do you wear those on stage?!

No, I just wear jeans. You can’t wear shorts on stage. It’s just not rock ‘n’ roll.

Henry Rollins of Black Flag did it all the time!

Oh yeah, and he’s punk as fuck, and that’s great for him, but not for me.

I just saw the music video for “French Immersion.” Was that really you, singing a cover of City & Colour’s “Save Your Scissors” in the beginning? What did Dallas Green think about that?

Yeah, that was really me. Dallas thought it was pretty funny, and tried to play a trick on me, pretending to be really pissed off. They had me going pretty bad. I had no sleep, and they were joking around, pretending to be pissed off. They were out in Vancouver, on the City & Colour tour. It was Dallas, my roommate, and some of the guys who are on tour with us now.

They were text messaging me trying to say that they were all really pissed off. I was freaking out, I was so bummed! I guess I’m really gullible when it comes to my bros; I don’t want to upset anyone. They were really fucking with me, but they got me good. I’ll admit defeat to the mighty Dallas Green. Aw, but it’s all love, because I think what he does is amazing.

How did you guys become so chummy with the guys in Alexisonfire?

Well they’re all from St. Catherines, and we all grew up going to hardcore shows in the same area, and

MUSIC that’s how we all knew each other. Scott’s known those guys for a long time because he went to shows in St. Catherines. He was in a metal band called At the Mercy of Inspiration, and I was also in a band at the time, and we played shows with Alexisonfire when they first started up.

Any dirty Alexisonfire secrets to share with us?

They’re all ridiculously good looking. The music videos don’t do them justice. When you see them in person, it’s really intimidating.

Do you have a man crush on any one of them?

Would you bed any of them?

I’d like to say all of them. I’m a pretty slutty dude.

It’s all bro love. I would like to frame that by saying that I’m only slutty with dudes. Just dudes.

Hardcore and metal are starting to become a lot more accepted in mainstream media nowadays. How do you feel about this?

I’m stoked, I think it’s awesome. I mean, the underground stuff’s always going to exist because there are lots of different forms of hardcore and punk rock that aren’t going to be accepted. Hardcore, punk rock and metal always go through various waves. This is not the first time that metal’s become really popular.

Sometimes it shifts, but I remember when we were growing up, in 1992, when I picked up Green Day’s Dookie, it was really popular and got a lot of people into punk rock. Because bands like Green Day and the Offspring were really huge, people probably became interested in other bands through that. And that’s the way that I like to think about it. Maybe a lot of kids are getting into awesome bands like Mastodon and Lamb of God, and then maybe discovering more underground bands from there. A good example is that tour that just started up a while ago, featuring Mastodon, Converge, and the Bronx. So if there were a bunch of kids that showed up to watch Mastodon—because that band’s incredible—then they also got to see Converge—which I think is one of the greatest hardcore bands out there—and also the Bronx—who they may have not known before.

I think it’s awesome because hardcore’s an amazing thing. It’s been a huge part of my life, and to think that maybe someone else could get into that, and have that same experience, then I think that’s amazing.

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POSTER ART

Brandon Velestuk

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MUSIC Victoria BC’s Brandon Velestuk knows when too much is too much and when too little is just right. His minimalist approach to art is something to marvel at really, in stark contrast to how he describes his approach to drawing which is just baffling.

“Imagine someone with a calm demeanor, fixated on creating faux-naïve beauty, permanently attached at the hand with an obsessive compulsive, detail-oriented alcoholic control freak who has non-stop acid flashbacks.” Uh… ok Brandon, if you say so. You had us at “faux-naïve beauty.” Maybe you should just focus on making great gig posters which give the kids something to freak out on—how’s that?

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ALBUM REVIEWS

Ensemble Selftitled FatCat FatCat Records excels at finding and releasing the

Beach House Self-Titled Carpark

finest ambient indie electronica. Their love affair with France come Montreal native Oliver Alary’s Ensemble began some six years ago, but he decided to let AFX’s Rephlex sell his debut. Oliver’s mix of somber, static, ethereal strings, and pro-

Can’t handle the vintage synth barrage that is

grammed beats belong on FatCat. Contemplative

Broadcast? Alex Scally and Victoria Legrand have

vocals from Chan Marshall (Cat Power), Lou Bar-

come to plug that void by throwing a drum ma-

low (Sebadoh), and Mileece secure the mood, but

chine and a wash of chamber synths under haunt-

aren’t particularly striking. The star here is Alary’s

ing female vocals, then backing the distortion off

tunes; and they could have benefited from more

a couple notches. To fill out their sound, Scally’s

definition in the mastering department. Neverthe-

lackadaisical guitar work swells in all the more

less, It’s a mature sophomore album that builds

noticeably. It’s almost like Nico took some enun-

on his legacy instead of caving to the well-docu-

ciation lessons and went pop, except the results

mented curse.

are probably much better. Though not outstandingly original, this self-titled album is a promising first look at the Baltimore duo. I’d like to see where they go with it.

3/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

Destruction Unit Death To The Old Flesh Empty Records WARNING! Read CD contents carefully before opening as misuse could lead to serious injury or even death if used improperly. Not to be listened to with other so-called “electro-clash” bands as one could be prone to bouts of impulsive and uncontrollable urges to smash your girlfriend’s record collection of CSS, Ladytron and other “newnu-wave” albums. Prolonged exposure to this CD could result in excitable behaviour symptomatic of shit-eating grins, saucer-eyed stares and foaming mouth. Use of ear protection encouraged as piercing screams and high voltage synthesizer punk noise dominates throughout. Destruction Unit cannot be responsible for any loss of indie-rock cred after failing to recognize that “Warm Leatherette” is actually a cover song. Enjoy!

4/5

-Bryce Dunn

3.5/5

Following Dabrye’s lead, Los Angeles’ Flying Lotus is a laptop hip-hopper drowning in tortured electronic sounds. The beats for his debut release piece together cheap synths, rough samples, and thick bass in a way that’s about as 80s as SUVs. As quaint as yuppie nostalgia has become, this is obviously a post-millennium electro-hop release.

Except for the sublime Laura Darlington assisted “Unexpected Delight,” 1983 is entirely instrumental. However, in light of said tracks, more vocal contributions would prolly be to his advantage. The effects that form the basis of his works are cool and all, but the beats can get a little monotonous on their own over the course of a whole album. Still, it’s a pretty solid debut.

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

The Haunted The Dead Eye Century Media The line between hardcore and metal is becoming as defined as white noise. Were it not for the

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The Dead Eye could very well be one of the best throwdown albums of the past few years. However, followers of this band are too busy doing their best to windmill their crops of dead cells to be bothered with throwing fists. Thick and aggressive, yet intelligent and well-planned, The Dead Eye is a powerful bust of succinct rhythms and volatile energy that refuses to compromise during the course of its 13 blasts. A step forward for the band, tracks such as “The Flood,” “The Shifter” and “The Medusa” are confrontational bouts of wrought energy that discharge forth with enduring passion and awareness. Sure, the fact that their heavy bottom end sounds a touch closer to Hatebreed than to Slayer can be confusing and somewhat disconcerting for the masses, but that’s what makes for great music: when you’re strangely enticed while moderately disturbed. If anyone comes as close to

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

Flying Lotus 1983 Plug Research

3/5

long hair and obvious tendency towards darkness,

being as disturbed as The Haunted is here, they’re on a strong path.

4/5

-Keith Carman

Kid Koala Your Mom’s Favorite DJ Ninja Tune I don’t know what it is about Kid Koala, but whenever I see him live I just wanna run on stage, tackle the guy and give him a big creepy hug. I won’t do that though because if you say you’re going to attack someone in print it’s assault and battery, which would violate the conditions of my parole.

I’m not alone in my minor obsession. His shows are magical and his technique is original. He could easily trademark his trumpet scratching routine but doesn’t need to because no one else can do it. Your Mom’s Favorite DJ is a return to Koala’s mixtape roots and consists of two 15 minute tracks like he did on his scratchscratchscratchscratch cassette which got him signed to Ninja Tune.

It’s fun, it’s playful, it’s jazzy, it has Ron Burgundy samples and it once again shows why Kid Koala is the only turntablist whose studio albums don’t bore me to tears. The only bitch I have is he used the American spelling of favourite in the album’s title. Ask your mom what’s up with that.

4/5

-Michael Mann

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Planes Mistaken for Stars Mercy Abacus

muddle an already potpourri of an album. Too many ingredients can spoil a good recipe. Hello Everything indeed.

3/5

-Robert Robot

tension. On this latest outing, there must be some

Various Artists ESL Remixed ESL Music

truly untouched strain, as Mercy is yet another

To mark the occasion of Eighteenth Street Lounge’s

all-encompassing effort that sees flashes of rock

100th release, label owners Rob Garza and Eric

Four guys who look like they should be beating the shit out of each other, not their respective instruments, Planes Mistaken for Stars are proof-positive that truly dominant music rests on the laurels of

clash with neurosis-inspired drone, mellow dis-

Hilton (together known as Thievery Corporation)

sonance of true screamo collide into over-the-top

have commissioned the likes of Quantic, Fort Knox

noise and so on. Twisting and turning faster than

Five, and Calexico to remix finer selections from

most of us can comprehend, this album snakes

their stable’s back catalogue. I’ve never been a

about wilily, bringing the listener along on an epic

big fan of remixes myself, but the people involved

journey of intense internal conflict that never finds

in this commemorative project understand the

resolution—but is quite appealing in the process.

appeal of the original works and don’t bastard-

It’s a perfect blend of artistry and business-minded

ize them for their own personal gain. Being both

rockin’ in that Mercy tests some boundaries of

mindful and refreshing, this is downtempo and

heavy music but stays firmly rooted in a straight-

dub breaks at their finest. Here’s looking forward

forwardness that keeps the barrelling train on the

to the next hundred.

tracks. The closest comparison would be to define this opus as an equally aggressive Mastodon with a touch pointed anger/less tomfoolery, leaving the

4/5

-Filmore Mescalito Holmes

door open for both of those bands to learn a thing or two while still delivering fucking brilliance.

5/5

-Keith Carman

Squarepusher Hello Everything Warp Records The first time I heard Feed Me Weird Things I knew Jenkinson had a touch of the musical genius in him. Raw talent is the only way to explain making contemporary drum n’ bass long after the genre completely fell off the radar at the turn of the century. But Tom Jenkinson’s talent has boundaries.

The wrestling between drum n’ bass and jazz fusion is stronger than ever on Squarepusher’s 10th release. Hello Everything never gets the chance to soar; it only hints at something better. If drum n’ bass is what you want, check Hard Normal Daddy.

For jazz fusion, check Selection Sixteen. As for the musique concrète inspired tracks, they simply

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang Making fun of retards just isn’t funny. I used to do it all the time, retard this, retard that, but you see, my beloved reader, there comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes that mentally handicapped people deserve our respect and admiration. When is that time, you ask? Well, for me it was when I found out that I am retarded.

Last week I went to Science World with a girl to see an exhibition about dead people. On our way into the main hall I noticed a machine that measured brainwave activity. It worked like this: Two competitors attach metal sensors to their foreheads and a ball between them rolls towards the person with the higher level of brainwave activity. My date and I watched as two 10 year olds frowned at one another while the ball slowly danced back and forth before finally settling on a winner. Then it was our turn. We sat across from one another and the moment I hooked my brain into the machine the ball rolled towards my date.

Assuming that the sensors were improperly attached, we tried again. Then we switched seats, all with the same result. It occurred to me that one of two things was happening: 1) My date is a genius; or 2) My brain does not work very well.

To resolve the matter I grabbed a nearby 10 year old, sat him down across from me, and forced the sensors onto his greasy little head. I scowled at the little bastard, hooked the metal plates to my brow and then set my eyes on the ball. Sadly, it is safe to say that my date was not a genius. Puzzled by this unsettling turn of events, I booked an appointment with a brain specialist named Dr. Bleecker to have some tests done. After three hours of analysis Dr. Bleecker sat me down and gave me the news. As it turns out I suffer from a brain malady called Hunztberger’s Syndrome. My waking brain operates in the low theta range, which is the same level of activity that normals experience while sleeping. Less than one percent of humans has the syndrome and most people who suffer from it are totally unaware of it. They just go through life under the assumption that they are complete fuckwits.

Being the industrious person that I am, I decided to inquire about the special perks that my newfound special status entitled me to. Dr. Bleecker filled out the forms and I was given free museum, art gallery and bus passes plus a coupon for one free meal at Vito’s Pasta on Commercial. What did you get for free this week normals? Nothing.

I walked out of Dr. Bleecker’s office with a feeling that I had never experienced before: Liberation. Not only can I settle for total mediocrity for the rest of my life and be happy with it but I also have a rock solid excuse for anything. Crashed my car into the police station. Sorry, I ride the shortbus. Sexually assaulted a penguin at the zoo. Sorry, I’m handicapable. Twenty-seven years old with no real job or ambition. Sorry I’m a Corky.

Ultimately, when you put down this magazine, consider the fact that the article you have just finished was written by someone that speaks three languages, has a university degree, and is mentally handicapped. Imagine what you, a normal, are capable of!

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HOROSCOPEs Words Ernold Sane

‘‘The only thing that’s more annoying than you

is that baaad yeast infection. I wouldn’t know, but I’ve heard from your Mum. She says it gets itchy “down dere.”Your Mum is an amazing woman and she inspires me as I’ve never heard of someone giving birth via their ass. ’’ — Scorpio Oct 24-Nov 22 Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 This Remembrance Day, remember the time when no-one wore fucking plastic clogs?? How about that. Let’s think about that for a second. Why is it that it’s always the right strap that’s broken? They’re fucking useless. The only thing they’re bringing is a new form of toe-rot to our society. Oh well, at least it’ll match your nutsack.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 Hey cougs! You’re a dirty whore who needs to realize your age. Cougarville has rooms for cheap so why don’t you run along and take your dirty underwear with you. Your life has become so sad you feel the need to bring down the happiness of others in a pathetic attempt to make yourself worthy of something more than dried dog feces.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21-Feb 19

“Shut up London?” For someone who’s never been, you’ve really maintained your cheese appeal and stacked up a big bag of lies to put on your resume for when you need a newer job. You smell and look like piss

and it runs through your veins. So you may wanna freshen up before you hit the pavement.

PISCES

Feb 20-March 20

The city is running out of people for you to rip-off. Maybe you should pack your bindle and fuck-off to the sticks where you’ll fit right in with the rednecks.They can get all Deliverance on your ass while you cut their hair and you’ll be as happy as a clam. Well, as happy as a clam can be while getting sodomized by hillbillies.

ARIES

March 21-April 20

jects, try and freshen yourself between sweating and puking. As much as we all love the smell of a dead horse’s ass, it’s quite distracting. Your lucky color is yellow.

dye it to look like a My Little Pony. Now if you could just stab yourself in the face, you’ll be set.

GEMINI

The only wet spot you’ll be sleeping in for the rest of the year will be from your leaky colon. It’s too bad they don’t make tampons the size of a fist (that’d be cool). You’re tits look amazing! They look like they’re done by the same doctor who butchered tasty Tori Spelling. Your over-plucked boyfriend looks just as drag as you; and when you’re together, you look like the Gotti brothers.

May 22-June 21

You’re the Nicky Hilton of the family. You’re the awkward ugly slag who bangs crab infested mutants. This fall, finances will play an important role in your “love-life.” Meaning you’ll have to hire anyone you’re sexually attracted to, as to fulfill you’re disgusting glassbottom boat desires. Plop!

Cancer

June 22-July 22

Remember when you used to play with dolls? That was 35 years ago. Unfortunately, your new fuck-toy was still playing with them less than a decade ago. You open your legs as often as a hair-dresser opens her scissors, and your fuck-toy will soon realize that it’s not only hair clippings that are hitting the floor, but so are your tits.

Nice fluorescent yellow runners! Now we can see you in time to get a good loogey to hawk in your face. AND we can do it in the dark too! If all the scenesters had a fat retarded brother they had to talk to, it would be you.

May your heart-attack come early this Christmas (like your orgasms).

TAURUS

Leo

April 21-May 21

Stop using Ellen as your role model.

The next time you’re out dancing with your mentally challenged crew of re-

VIRGO

LIBRA

Aug 23-Sept 23

Sept 24-Oct 23

You’re a scab that leaks ooze every time you open your gossiping mouth.

You’ve bitten every style you own, from deejays to washed up band members, and you’re always six months behind.

You’re over accessorized and can’t be trusted. This is why you’ll always be a washboard for people to push aside.

July 23-Aug 22

You’ve done extremely well in styling your hair like David Bowie in Labyrinth.

Seriously, it looks amazing when you IONMAGAZINE.CA 47

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