ION Magazine issue 35

TOP ALBUMS OF ‘06 Guillermo del Toro YEAR IN LIVE MUSIC Diyan Achjadi

FREE

DEC–JAN 06/07

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Welcome to Heaven’s Playg Featuring Dutch fashion by for men & women & GSIS & GBRO for kids Our Holiday Collection has Arrived!

Heaven’s Playground 850 Granville St Vancouver | 604-646-GSUS

yground

This MoNTh in Ion 12 Editor’s Letter Chocked full of inside jokes you probably won’t understand, but

we assure you it’s hilarious.

14 ION the Prize 16 Of the Month A movie adapted from a Philip K. Dick story, a movie about a pre-teen beauty pageant, a game about Marvel comics, a game where you get a chainsaw on the end of your gun, the dark’s art opening, and a contribu tor who dresses up like a zombie in her spare time.

46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Upset that It burns your eyes when you read Sam’s articles? Well God has punished him by making it burn when he pees.

47 Horoscopes Ernold Sane has got something to ho ho ho about.

48 The Perry Bible Fellowship

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TV as Art If you pause the Da Vinci Code at the correct time on a flatscreen tv, it looks like you have the Mona Lisa hanging in your living room.

Diyan Achjadi Ha ha, her studio is a dump. Oh wait, it’s right above our office.

Damn.

FASHION 22 PRPS Short for Purpose, not porpoise or Pennsylvania Recreation and Park Society.

24 Askew Slightly off-centre fashion editorial shot by David Hou.

FILM 30 Guillermo del Toro The only thing his movie Pan’s Labyrinth is missing is David Bowie singing “Magic Dance.” There is a big blue centaur that speaks Spanish though.

MUSIC

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34 S ound Off Live music photos from ’06. This end of year stuff is a great way to trick other people into doing our work for us.

40 Album reviews Best of ‘06 edition. Our music writers use a million hyperboles to bring you the greatest article in the history of time.

44 Poster Art: Tim Hueken Once again, LSD seems to be the key influence for another talented poster artist.

Volume 4 Number 10 Issue 35 Publisher

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editor Agata Zurek Art Director Assistant Art Director Design Assistant

Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Erin Ashenhurst erin@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma

Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Website Andrew Bobic Contributing Writers: Paul Borchert, Sam Kerr, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Marielle Kho, Emily Khong, Trevor Risk, Carl Rogers, Ernold Sane, Adam Simpkins, Natalie Vermeer Contributing Photographers & Illustrators: Meg Bourne, Devon Cody, Sarah Cordingly, Bienvenido Cruz, Dave Delvecchio, Dale Deruiter, Jackie Dives, Jen Dodds, Ryan Dyck, Frankie Harrington, Hey Mama Creative, Marielle Kho, Jason Lang, Syx Langemann, Sean Orr, Leigh Righton, Jody Rogac, Mike Shantz ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. The opinions expressed by writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of ION Magazine. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. Highresolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, video iPods (60 gig version only), CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an Xbox 360 can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Xbox 360.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office 604.6969.ION Fax: 604.6969.411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover and Contents Photo : Fiona Garden (www.fionagardenphotography.com) Model : Tara at Jett Models (www.jettmodels.com) Hair & Makeup : Sonia Leal-Serafim (www.THEYrep.com)

EDITOR’S LETTER

Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

Without getting into an overly selfcongratulatory wankfest, I was talking to a friend who has a solid understanding of publishing an independent magazine and he said,“It’s a minor miracle your magazine comes out every month. I don’t know how you do it.” I responded with a modest “Well, that’s a bit extreme but yeah, I don’t know how we do it either. I think we mainly owe it to our drug dealer who lets us slide by on credit when there’s a rough month.”

We started the year with a fantastic and modern new look. Everything was going great until I received an amazing piece of hate mail from a Montreal noise band that resented their poster art being described as LSD-influenced. At the insistence of the staff, I wrote a tactful response with the line, “Our magazine is written to inform our readership and no one here cares about your approval.” I think that line does a pretty good job of summing up the magazine. This magazine is done for readers and the people who contribute to it. If bands, artists, publicists and advertisers like it too, well that’s just an added bonus.

Since before this magazine started, the industry shifted away from people buying print ads towards hiring marketers and publicists. So rather than buying an ad in a magazine, a company will pay someone to send press releases and free stuff to every magazine. We’ll get weird stuff like electric razors, perfumes and offers of free trips to Toronto to test-drive cars in exchange for writing about them.

Opening the mail is always good for a laugh around here.

Working at a magazine teaches 12 IONMAGAZINE.CA

you how to critically read other magazines because we all get the same press releases. To a large extent, that’s how most magazines eek out an identity: by acting as a spam filter and choosing to print the press releases someone feels will most appeal to their readership. It’s lazy but it works for a lot of publications. I’ve noticed this is especially prevalent on web publications that offer up huge praise for whatever product gets sent to them. The jubilation over receiving a free CD at Ain’t it a Hip Tomato dot com is enough to scream, “Stop the press!” Or at the very least to send an excited all-caps msn message to the web programmer.

If you’re especially observant you might go “Aha you hypocrite! There’s a plea for an Xbox 360 in the masthead.” Well that’s a joke (mostly) and a lot more goes into planning this magazine than merely opening the mail everyday and reading press releases. I’d like to think we do things a bit differently around here. We try hard to represent independent culture in an unpretentious manner and hopefully it makes people say, “Wow, they put out a really good magazine,” without the, “for a Canadian/small/broke company” qualifier.

This is our last issue till February 2007 so I’d like to take the time to thank a few people who helped make all this happen. Anyone who ever picked up this magazine off the floor and read it or looked at the pretty pictures. Our publisher for letting me sneak horror movies and punk bands into the magazine. All our editors for listening to my dumb ideas. Our photo editor and photographers for

consistently cranking out top-notch work on the stupidly short deadlines I give them. Our designers for making this magazine look so Goddamn good. All our writers for not freaking out when I butcher their work by cutting out a line like, “Bright Eyes is the greatest songwriter since Bob Dylan,” out of their articles. Our copy editors for making me more eloquent than I am and for not caring that I still don’t know how to use a semicolon. Our advertisers for helping us pay the bills. Anyone who let us distribute the magazine out of their store. All our ad

sales people and interns for doing all the shitty thankless work. Anyone who sent me a note saying,“We rule.”

Anyone who sent me a note offering criticism that went beyond, “You guys suck because you don’t write about my friend’s band.” Anyone who came to one of our parties and passed out drunk on the couch. And most importantly, an unnamed ION supporter who, after spilling a glass of wine all over the cards in the middle of a game of Hold `Em said, “Why don’t you put that in your magazine?” Well I just did, so there.

ION THE PRIZE

Photography Syx Langemann The prize this month is an assortment of clothing from GSUS Sindustries. Since 1993, this Dutch company has been creating style on a global scale. GSUS offers fun and effortlessly stylish looks for men, women and now children.

GSUS has come. So you might as well look good while you’re faking looking busy.

Model: Shawn Kelly

To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click on contests.

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for info call: 514-389-9495

Of THe MoNTh

PET Tical It’s kind of ridiculous how you can drop $50 on a scratching post and then the ungrateful little kitty will go ahead and scratch everything except the stupid post. They’re defiant little buggers who refuse to play along with you. The same can be said for cat beds. With Tical, only the finest handmade linens on a Posturepedic mattress will do. Look at Tical, looking like a million bucks. We wish we could look that good when we wake up in the morning. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.

Art Opening the dark at Elliott Louis GALLERY Vancouver’s favourite stencil artist, the dark, is having his debut show at a legit gallery. He’s come a long way from throwing up his work on walls in the middle of the night. This really sucks for us because we were making a lot of money selling the secret of his true identity to people.

His aptly named show, Dystopia, will feature new work consisting of photo-realistic images all done with stencils. Umbilical cords hanging from buildings, abandoned refineries, crashed cars and other pleasant stuff like that. Don’t miss it.

Dystopia: Running January 11-28 540 West 2nd Avenue www.elliottlouis.com

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Contributor Marielle Kho Marielle has been doing writing for us for a while now and she’s a bigger nerd than you. Eventually, she’s going to get a Legend of Zelda tattoo. She’s read the complete Lord of the Rings series and subsequently taught herself to write in dwarven runes. She’s going to use her rent money to buy the new Nintendo Wii. On rainy days, she likes to stay in and draw pictures of unicorns. She collects Dino-Riders toys. If anyone’s interested in playing Dungeons and Dragons with her, do not hesitate to get in touch. Being a dork makes life very lonely. Oh yeah, she also likes music and hosts a music-related radio show on CiTR.

GAMEs Marvel Ultimate Alliance If you think you’re a nerd and know a lot about the Marvel universe, you’ll really enjoy this one.

Choose from an assortment of 20 Marvel characters to make your own gang of four to go battle Doctor Doom and his gang of super villains.

This game delves way deeper into the marvel universe than any movie ever has: you go to Asgard to fight Loki, Skrull to fight Galctus, Atlantis to save Submariner and even take a quick trip to hell to take on Mephisto. How pleasant. Level up and learn new super powers to save the world from annihilation. Seriously, leveling up is a lot of fun and isn’t as nerdy as it sounds. Its certainly doesn’t make you as bad as a World of Warcraft dork.

Gears of War You’re a big dude with big guns fighting in a world that’s part Pitch Black, part Starship Troopers, part post-apocalyptic wasteland. Well-armed subterranean monsters known as the Locust have genocide on the mind and emerge out of holes in the ground to waste humans whenever possible.

Gears of War is like a game of paintball where you’re constantly scurrying to try and find something to duck and cover behind. Don’t duck and cover and you’ll get your head blown off pretty quickly. Fortunately, you have a gun with a chainsaw bayonet that sprays gore all over the screen when you use it. Seriously, using it never gets boring. Oh, and the graphics are insanely good as is the online play where you can battle your friends or play co-op through the whole story.

DVDs Little Miss Sunshine Frank (Steve Carrell) is a struggling, suicidal expert on Proust. His brotherin-law Richard (Greg Kinnear) is an aspiring motivational speaker and wants to be the next Tony Robbins. Richard’s son Dwayne enjoys Nietzsche and is on month nine of a vow of silence.

Dwayne’s grandpa (Alan Arkin) just got kicked out of his old folks home for snorting heroin and also wants to train his granddaughter Olive for the Little Miss Sunshine pre-teen beauty pageant. Throw characters into a VW mini van with a busted clutch. Shake it up. Hilarity ensues.

A Scanner Darkly In the not so distant future, Keanu Reeves lives a dual identity as an FBI agent and a surfer. Sorry, wrong movie. He’s a Narc in the United States’ never ending war on drugs and an addict hooked on Substance D. In order to avoid being corrupted, Narcs remain anonymous from one another by wearing scramble suits to mask their identity. Things get weird when Keanu, who is already investigating his friends (played by the always hilarious Woody Harrelson and Robert Downey Jr.), is asked to investigate himself. Directed by Dazed and Confused’s Richard Linklater, A Scanner Darkly is absurdly profound and will leave you saying… pause…. wait for it….“whoah.”

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ART

THE TELEVISION ARTS An Oxymoron?

Words Jen Selk Illustration Ryan Dyck Awhile back, I came across an interesting statement made by Richard Stursberg, executive vice president of CBC English Television, during a speech to The Broadcast Executives Society. He said, “Television is the most important of all the mass media. Television reaches vastly more people than books, dance, theatre or newspapers.” I read that and I thought, ‘No shit.’ The whole thing left me wondering: If me and Stursberg are on the same page, why is TV so widely considered to be the medium of morons?

Consider the descriptors. The idiot box, for one.

Thanks to stuff like that I often feel pressured to hide the fact that I watch a lot of television. All it takes is a few snobs at a party who claim they “hate” TV to make me want to cover mine up with a brown paper bag. Like it’s porn, or something.

You know folks I’m talking about. The ones who insist they don’t even own a television, or if they do, rarely watch it (yeah, right). They’re the ones who are always insisting, “There’s never anything on!”

Some TV haters are more flexible, sure. Unless (god forbid!) you express even a slight fondness for anything that didn’t originate on HBO. Apparently, expressing a disdain for television seems to make a lot of us feel that we are somehow better, smarter, and more discerning than those around us. Um, we’re not.

TV is an art form. I know you don’t want to believe it, but it is. If film is art and writing is art and theatre

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is art, then TV is too. It is all of those things, and as a result, producing it is far more demanding than any one of those other arts alone. I’d argue that the creative types who work in TV are likely more talented, and more hardworking than their counterparts from other mediums. Consider this:They have to produce more in less time. The industry is extremely saturated, and therefore highly competitive. And when it comes to TV, every armchair fatty thinks they’re a critic. It’s not easy.

I personally believe that the mass availability of television is partly to blame for its rep. Being fairly inexpensive, even the most hilly of hillbillies has it.

Besides that, flicking on the tube isn’t as pretentiously artistically satisfying as visiting a gallery or going to a play. It simply doesn’t set you apart. And let’s be honest, we all want to feel special. None of us want to be imagined gorging ourselves on Big Macs with Springer on in the background. So we pretend to hate TV. At least, that’s how I see it. I admit I’m no expert.

Walter J. Podrazik, a Media Historian and head exhibit writer for the Museum of Broadcast Communications in Chicago (www.museum.tv), who also happens to have co-authored 10 books, including Watching TV: Six Decades of American Television (www.watchingtv.org), is. When interviewed for this story via email, he said he definitely believes TV should be appreciated as an art form. “Note that the Emmy Awards are given out by the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences, so the industry itself, at least, starts off with art as one aspect of its own self-proclaimed identity,” he said.

“Was it intended to be art?” he continued.

“Throughout the history of television, there have been countless moments of unquestioned artistic purpose—on the commercial networks, on public television, on cable and in limited access video

projects. It is just that, with so many hours to fill, the overall impression is that of a mundane medium.

Just there, hour after hour, day after day, channel after channel. That tends to drown out the top quality offerings.”

When done right, just about every aspect [of television is artistic]” Podrazik added. “The visual presentation, from opening theme song to closing credits, the pacing, the performances and those moments that resonate and leave you pondering, considering issues, emotions, and situations you’ve just witnessed.”

In other words, he’s with me. So why all the snobbery? “When television began, the programming was free,” explained Podrazik. “Once a viewer purchased a set, and they put up an antenna to capture television program signals, that was it. Sponsorship and commercials might have created a lucrative revenue stream, but from a consumer/critical perspective there was this clear divide: You paid hard cash to enter a movie theatre—no matter how mediocre the film; similarly, you simply flipped a switch for free television viewing—no matter how magnificent the program.”

He said while that has certainly changed (TV isn’t free anymore, and movies are often consumed at home), “Artistically, television series and feature films still do have a different style of storytelling. In a theatrical feature film, you are generally seeing the most important two hours in the lives of those characters. In a television series, stories unfold with repeated visits to returning characters.”

So while the mediums differ, they don’t do so excessively. Cultural disdain for television seems irrationally left over from the days of free delivery, which doesn’t even address the fallacy inherent in assuming that just because something is less expensive, it lacks quality.

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“The key again is that there is so much television out there,” said Podrazik. “You can always find examples of the medium at its worst. Fortunately, you can also find examples of the medium at its best. As new generations increasingly view television content as anything that comes through the home screen (webcasts, feature films on DVD, original television series, and so forth), there will be more openness to recognizing the strengths of the home screen. For example, when The Sopranos is at its best, even feature film and professional theatre people acknowledge it represents some of the best contemporary storytelling. Period. No qualifiers.”

So it looks like there’s hope after all. Personally, I think showing disdain for television is fairly sad.

Rarely do I believe that those who do so are really committed to the negative things they say, and rarely do I believe they watch as little TV as they say they do. (Most of the time, I think they’re just big fat liars trying to sound smart.) Slamming TV reeks of insecurity. That said it remains a popular position.

I know a young actress who, despite the majority of her limited success having come from television, has repeatedly insisted to me that TV is “bad”. She’s keen to do movies (serious independent ventures only, of course) but regards her work in TV as something to be embarrassed about. It’s bizarre.

In the end, I think the bottom line is that thinking TV is trash is merely the default position of the masses. Experts seem to agree that it’s a little more important. Podrazik gets it, and Stursberg seems to, which isn’t to say they aren’t discerning. Podrazik told me he’s a “strong advocate of treating television like a night at the movies.” He advised us all to “seek out something special,” rather than just flipping the switch for noise. In other words, there is indeed something special out there. Don’t be a snob and you won’t miss out.

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ART

POP GOES THE WORLD

Diyan Achjadi

Words Jen Selk Illustrations Diyan Achjadi To get to Diyan Achjadi’s studio, you have to climb a lot of stairs—all the way up to the top floor of a nondescript building in Gastown. Next comes a long, skinny hallway. Its sides are adorned in exposed two-by-fours and draped sheets of industrial plastic—it feels like a construction site.

The studio itself, once you get to it, isn’t what you’d expect either. Having seen Achjadi’s work— pop art inspired prints featuring bright fuschias and oranges, embroidered bits of fabric that might be carried by the love children of Jane Austen and Ja Rule, and a variety of line drawings, both digital and actual—you expect something bigger and brighter.

You expect something more dramatic. Achjadi’s studio is more like an office. The shelves are filled with unusual bits of inspiration and supplies and the walls are covered with tacked up works in progress, but it’s no paint-smeared haven. The computer is obviously the most important thing in the place.

It’s utterly modern, like Achjadi’s work itself.

Currently a teacher at Emily Carr, during an interview at her studio, Achjadi admits she is sometimes mistaken for a student, though this used to happen more when she taught at a State University in Baltimore. She’s no newcomer to the art scene, but her work is only starting to garner recognition in Vancouver. Since moving to the Pacific Coast city about a year ago, she’s only had two shows. The first 20 IONMAGAZINE.CA

was an EC faculty affair, the second an installation at Access Artist Run Centre that closed at the beginning of November. Things are only likely to get bigger and better.

Achjadi’s pop art inspired pieces are aggressive and friendly at the same time. On the artist statement portion of her website she says her most recent work explores “depictions of violence and militarism in news, pop-culture and children’s media.” And it does. From car bombs to guns, her art features graphic references to violence, but in a decidedly girly way. Her works are the sort that would lend themselves well to baby tees and tote bags likely to be coveted by the lovers of Hello Kitty and Emily Strange, but Achjadi says that while she is very interested in working with fabric, she hasn’t looked into making clothes. “I don’t know how,” she explains, adding, “I think the current images are a bit too detailed for that scale and material – though I could easily see them exist as posters, postcards, or picture books.”

As for subject matter, she says her current militaristic work is intended to both seduce and repulse. “I’m interested in the different ways that violence—specifically violence suggesting militaristic activity, involving armies, uniforms and bombs, for instance—is portrayed in various contexts and how these images are perpetuated and transmitted,” she

says. She also cites her personal history—being born in Indonesia, living both in Jakarta and in the States, and communicating with her family abroad during times of major upheaval—as major inspirations.“The first body of work I made about militarism and violence directly referred to the events of May 1998 in Indonesia and the aftermath,” she says.

“As the political climate changed in North America, with the WTC attacks and the subsequent military actions, my work became more general in its examination of violence.”

Achjadi’s creation process is multi-layered and simple at the same time. She draws, examines photographs, embroiders, scans things into her computer and often reworks or redraws them on screen.

The result is art that is hard to classify, as so much contemporary art is in the era of the married digital print. In the end, she says she hopes “that the work will give a viewer something to think about, and create conversation around the socio-political context that we live in. My hope is that the body of work will also contribute to a growing discussion on how we use and consume images and media, and the impact of that activity.”

It’s serious stuff. Pretty too.

Clockwise from the top: Listen Girl Listen, Breath Girl Breath, Play Girl Play, Sleep Girl Sleep (all details).

ART

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You Did That On Purpose

PRPS Jeans

Words Carl Rogers Photography Fiona Garden Has there ever been a truly international pair of jeans placed into your grubby little hands? To be honest, probably not.

You may have a pair of Acne jeans or Cheap Monday’s which hail from Europe. Or, if you’re a little more discerning, a pair of original, pre-lawsuit Evis (not yet Evisu until the great denim wars of the mid-90s) might be fermenting in protective plastic at the back of your closet. But even with these little ambassadorial flourishes in your wardrobe, there is no interracial sartorial chemistry to be seen.

So for the genuine pro-integration fashion-loving fellow comes a pair of jeans whose cotton is sourced from Benin, Senegal, Uganda, or Zimbabwe on the African continent, whose meticulous, artisan-governed construction takes place in Japan, and whose guiding light creative director and erstwhile guru cites his origins as North Carolina and Virginia.

PRPS, short for ‘purpose,’ is the denim line introduced by Donwan Harrell. While traveling far and wide, he laid his eyes upon the delicate, fragile garment construction of a select few Japanese craftsmen and enjoyed a stylistic epiphany. Though these age-old families applied the techniques of oriental ancestry in the

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construction of denim for the home market, they also created sizes to fit… which meant they were kinda small.

After two solid years of ingratiating himself with the tailors, they finally agreed to make their incredible skills available to the world market. Using vintage Levis looms not dissimilar to those employed by Evis in the early years and kneading aspects of 70s American drag-strip racing into the mix, Harrell was able to make PRPS a reality.

As with most things nowadays, it’s the details that set original thinking apart from the crowd.To this end, PRPS jeans have a unique purple selvedge, five different shanks on each button fly, and various pocket bag linings.

Couple these intricate aspects with tailoring that is claimed to rival that of Saville Row and one could have a fairly interesting product to play with.

Harrell sees PRPS as representing a “free and easy culture and a classic nostalgic vision of the American lifestyle at its best.” Given the current tumult in the US over immigration and all that bullshit, perhaps someone should send George W a pair. PRPS, perhaps the most diplomatic jeans out there…

PRPS Jeans available at {ie

Model: the dark

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ASKEW Photography: David Hou Styled: Amy Lu (They Rep/Judy Inc) Make up & Hair: Boriana (Giovanni Artist Management) Model: Erika (Elmer Olsen Models)

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LEFT RIGHT

Cape & Gloves: Kumari's Blouse: Teenflo Chain: Americo Original Ribbon Belt: Mokuba Leggings: Wolford

Dress, Boots & Fur Stole: San Remo Tights: Wolford Gloves: Seduction IONMAGAZINE.CA  25

LEFT 26窶オONMAGAZINE.CA

Dress: Free People Necklace: Americo Original Gloves & Stockings: Seduction Shoes: Sonia Rykiel (David's Shoes)

RIGHT

Coat: Lida Baday Turtleneck: Teenflo Boots: Sam Remo Necklace: The Beadery Gloves: Seduction Hat: Kumari's IONMAGAZINE.CA  27

RIGHT LEFT

Dress: ABS (Allen Schwartz) Boots & Gloves: Seduction

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Dress: J. Lindeberg Ribbon Belt: Mokuba Hat: Urban Outfitters Necklace: Americo Original Gloves: Stylists Own

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FILM

THrough dAngers uNTold AND hardships unnuMbered GUILLERMO DEL TORO’s Pan’s LabYRINTH Words Michael Mann Illustration Mike Shantz “The guy who made Hellboy and Blade 2 made one of the best films of 2006.” It doesn’t exactly roll off your tongue with ease. However, after watching Guillermo del Toro’s Pan’s Labyrinth, you’ll find yourself forced to say it. But maybe this isn’t such a shocker.

For years del Toro’s been living a dual identity. On the one hand, he’s a purveyor of high grossing special effects laden blockbusters that cause popcorn munchers around the world to squeal with delight.

On the other, he’s the auteur responsible for stylish arthouse horror classics like Cronos and The Devil’s Backbone that appeal to the snobby chin stroker in all of us. With Pan’s Labyrinth, he offers a new experience that’s sure to appease fans of both.

Those familiar with del Toro’s body of work will immediately recognize the structure in Pan’s Labyrinth as the same used in Devil’s Backbone—a fantasy/horror story told from a child’s perspective set against the backdrop of fascist Spain. A young girl named Ofelia, who loves fantasy books, accompanies her pregnant mom to live with her new stepfather, Capitán Vidal. As far as evil step-parents in fairy tales go, Vidal takes the cake. He’s the evil leader of a fascist army maintaining a military stronghold in the hills of post civil war Spain.

While Ofelia explores her new surroundings, she stumbles across a labyrinth and meets a creature named Pan, played by Doug Jones under about 100 pounds of latex (Jones plays another equally latex heavy creature called the Pale Man). Pan is a faun—half man, half, goat, all monster. He informs Ofelia that’s she’s actually princess of the underworld and her parents would like her to return. But 30 IONMAGAZINE.CA

before she can do so, she must complete three mystic tasks to prove herself worthy.

What follows is equal parts horror and drama as Ofelia is forced to fight her way through a magical world of fantasy as well as the cruel real world of Franco’s Spain at the end of World War II. True, there are monsters and gore but Pan’s Labyrinth is anything but your run-of-the-mill horror film. Guillermo del Toro took a break from working at the Hellboy 2 production office to talk about his latest and greatest film.

It seems pretty unreal how much praise is being heaped on your movie. Does this surprise you at all?

I’m very happy. I’m very surprised? I guess not.

Sometimes you do a movie you actually like when you do it. This one is one of those. I really like it. I’m very happy that it’s getting that reception. No movie I’ve done—The Devil’s Backbone or Cronos included—have gotten this type of reception. So I’m very happy about that.

This movie has some pretty overt references to a lot of your previous work. Why did you choose to do that?

I guess it does. I was actually only trying to reference The Devil’s Backbone [structurally]. Other than that, I guess it’s more proclivity than actual referencing.

Well what is it about the Spanish Civil War and fascism that made you want to use them as

the backdrops for The Devil’s Backbone as well as Pan’s Labyrinth?

Well it’s a war that’s incredibly important for the world at large, not only Spain. It is a prologue and an epilogue to World War II. It is of high importance in the outcome of World War II. In Pan’s Labyrinth we’re not talking about the actual civil war but the resistance that followed in 1944. Which is a moment where the resistance is actually helping the Allies to vanquish fascism in Europe. They are hoping that they’ll be liberated by the Allies once they win the war, which doesn’t happen. But in 1944 Normandy happened and the Allies should have turned and helped this resistance that was crucial in vanquishing the Nazis. They didn’t. They made a deal with Franco to keep an eye on the Soviets.

So it’s a very important moment and it’s a brutal moment of despair. You have a country that lived through a war that is officially over but enduring five years of killing fields in Spain, so to speak. This is the fifth year that they’ve been held up in the mountains resisting a very powerful, well-fed and well-armed military police.

Why did you have to go to Europe to make this movie?

Because a movie like this would be impossible to do in America.

Why’s that?

Because movies are done in America, more and more, by being able to be identified as a marketing product. As such, they have to be audience tested

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FILM and they have to be tested marketwise. It’s a whole different process. You wouldn’t go very far with a movie that opens with an 11 year getting shot in the gut. I don’t think marketing would like that. Or the ending. Or the violence. Or the gore.

Did you encounter any resistance when trying to make this movie? I’m sure there are quite a few people who’d be happy to have you rest on your laurels and just keep adapting comic books into films.

No, I actually found it very difficult to mount up the production for other reasons but I did not find any resistance. Anybody that got invited to the movie got invited. That’s one of the reasons, why I wanted to be one of the producers myself. I didn’t need to answer to anyone. Everybody that got in, got in by invitation and fully knowing what movie they were coming into.

So being the producer, this meant there was no pressure to cut the gore out of the movie?

Amongst other things. When you try and please one audience and that audience is essentially yourself, then it’s much better when you’re nervous about what the head of the studio is going to say when he or she sees the movie. I’m very happy that’s the position this movie was made in.

What do you like most about gore and violence? Because it comes pretty heavy in this film.

I’m not sure that I would use the word “like”. I’m not sure I like it. It fascinates me in the sense that I cannot take my eyes off of it. It has different values.

When I do a balletic, almost cartoony, thing out of it like in Blade or Hellboy (which is comic book violence) then that’s one type. But the [violence] in The Devil’s Backbone or Pan’s Labyrinth is meant to be heartbreaking, very realistic and very unpleasant. I think that violence, like sex, has many permutations.

You can have erotic scenes, porno, or you can have it used for comedic purposes or whatever. Violence is no different than that.

One specific scene I wanted to ask you about: when Capitán Vidal gets his cheek slashed open so it extends his mouth all the way to the side of his face, was that a nod to Ichi the Killer?

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No No. If I remember it correctly, when they do that in the English gangs, they call it a Birmingham smile.

Birmingham smile?

Birmingham smile. And I remembered that. That was sort of a half-Birmingham smile.

One of the things that struck me in Pan’s Labyrinth, as well as The Devil’s Backbone, is how the real world terror is more frightening that the supernatural terror.

Yeah, that’s the idea in both movies. The slogan for The Devil’s Backbone’s European release was “The living ones are scarier than the dead.” That’s the idea. The worst monster in this movie is the human monster.

Well what exactly are you trying to say with that?

The idea is that evil needs intention and choice to truly be evil. If a tiger eats your child, well the tiger is doing what the tiger is supposed to do. It has no choice. But if your neighbour eats your child, then that’s choice and therefore it contains evil. The creatures in the movie do what they are supposed to do. Same with the ghost in Devil’s Backbone, it can’t help being a ghost. But being a fascist is a choice. Being a military man is a choice. If your job description includes “must shoot people”, it’s not a great job description is it?

worlds as well.You have your Hollywood popcorn films and then you have your arty foreign horror films.

I think at the end of the day I do both with an equal glee or zeal. But they are definitely very different. First of all, in the smaller movies I control most every aspect of them. I’m not talking visually only.

I’m talking about content and I’m not worried about reaching an audience, perceived or not, whereas in the other movies you have to be very conscious of making some things a little more accessible, even if you’re going against the grain. They’re very different but they’re ultimately different parts of the same universe.

The creatures in Pan’s Labyrinth are pretty spectacular and like nothing I’ve ever seen before. What were you drawing influences from to create them?

I actually tried to do the creatures in Pan’s Labyrinth as removed from any movie creatures as I could. I didn’t want movie creatures. I wanted creatures that had the subtlety and beauty of Victorian illustrated books. Or that had the scary simplicity of a children’s drawing with crayons. I was inspired by the symbolist painters, particularly by Arnold Bocklin and Carlos Schwabe. Or late Victorian illustrators like Arthur Rackham, Kay Nielsen, Edmund Dulac. The influence of the design of the creatures comes more from books or paintings than any movies.

I wasn’t going to bring it up but you mentioned tigers so I gotta ask: Are you a fan of Calvin and Hobbes comics? Because I see a lot of that comic in this film.

Yes, I love them. I think the universe of the girl is that type of Calvin and Hobbes universe where it’s not important if it’s real or not. People say to me is it real? Well to me it is real. But it doesn’t matter if they think it’s not. It makes no difference to me. It’s that same childhood stage where Calvin and Hobbes exists. Before Calvin and Hobbes it was Winnie the Pooh. Same thing. Christopher Robin thought Winnie was a living creature and it doesn’t matter if he was or wasn’t.

How does Doug Jones occupy himself while he’s sitting through these epic make-up sessions for your films?

I never even dared to ask. I hear him singing now and then. Or see him sleeping peacefully like a baby in the make-up chair. But it’s one of those questions that I think might upset the balance of his brain if I ask him.

Ofelia exists in two worlds: one real and one fantasy. It kind of seems like you exist in two

And how many days was he shooting?

I would say he shot for a good 20 days or so.

It almost seems cruel to cast him for two roles for the same movie. How long did it take to transform him into the Pale Man and Pan the Faun.

It was usually that horrible number that is always true. It was four to five hours of make-up.

That’s unreal That’s quite a feat.

The real monster in the movie is Sergi Lopez, who plays the fascist leader Capitán Vidal. What made you want to cast him and can I get you to talk a bit about his performance?

The guy is mainly known in Spain for comedy and melodrama. When I saw him in other performances—like With a Friend Like Harry—I thought he’d be a fantastic villain. The Captain is an incredibly fascinating, attractive, stern, powerful figure. He understands how his performance nuances the character. We talked about it in the beginning, I said, ‘look I cannot falsely nuance this fascist character by making him sensitive.’ He’s a hardass and his job is to destroy and kill people. So we have to nuance him through the pain and the shame and the moments where he’s almost human. He kept that nuance going. He knew that his function in the fairy tale was that of the big bad wolf. Sergi understands all those layers, the mythic content and the human content. He understands that it’s his duty to nuance and contrast what is on the page with his performance.

I read Pan’s Labyrinth’s going to be Mexico’s entry for best foreign film at the Oscars?

Yeah, It still has to make the cut to the final nomination but it is certainly Mexico’s nominee.

So there are Oscar aspirations for this film?

I would love that. I’m very happy that Mexico chose it. It’s completely fortuitous if it happens or not. It’s out of our hands. The movie seems to connect with the audience. I hope that audience includes some of the less stringent Academy members. There’s not exactly a rulebook on how these things work.

As a genre, what do you think horror needs to do to get respect? It’s certainly got financial respect, but what about artistic respect?

I don’t think it’s a genre that needs it. I think it has love. A lot of people love it, me included. I think that’s the important part. No audience is as faithful and as rabid about what we like as fans of the fantastic films. I believe that horror has given us some of the most beautiful and poetic images in the history of cinema. Those are the legacies that count.

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MUSIC

sound off We sent out a casual email and a

MySpace bulletin requesting your live

music photos taken in the past year in

Vancouver. This is the result...

>

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Meg Bourne:The Winks,June 3 at the Ukarnaian Hall (Music Waste).Sean Lennon,November 21 at Richard’s on Richards.The Strokes,May 17 at the Plaza of Nations.Fake Shark Real Zombie, July 4 at Croatian Cultural Centre. Devon Cody: Horrorpops, April 9 at the Red Room.The Manvils, April 9 at the Red Room.The Black Angels October 23 at Richard’s on Richards. Sarah Cordingly: Teen Community, june 2 at the Picadilly Pub (Music Waste). The Punks, June 2 at the Picadilly Pub (Music Waste). Wet

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Confetti, June 3 at the Columbia (Music Waste).The Nons, September 4 at Victory Square (Victory Square Block Party). Bienvenido Cruz: The National, Oct 5 at Richard’s on Richards. Dave Delvecchio: The Aquabats, September 29 at the Croatian Cultural Centre. Dale Deruiter: Slayer, July 13 at GM Place (Unholy Alliance Tour). Joan Jett, July 18 at Thunderbird Stadium (Warped Tour). Dragon Force, September 12 at the Croatian Cultural Centre. the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, April 24 at the Orpheum Theatre.

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Red Hot Lovers, August 18 onboard the MV Abitibi (Rock ‘n’ Roll Boat Cruise). Jackie Dives: Sleepytime Gorilla Museum, January 8 at Richard’s on Richards.

Jen Dodds: Black Halos at the Media Club, January 13 at the Media Club. Neo Nasties at the Asbalt, April 8. Alley Dukes at the Lamplighter, July 25 (Zombie Night in Canada). Frankie Harrington: Rich Hope, May 12 at the Railway Club. Hey Mama Creative: Mud River, September 29 at the Railway Club. Marielle Kho: Art Brut,

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March 24 at Richard’s on Richards. Jason Lang: Thunderbirds Are Now!, October 7 at Richard’s on Richards. Sean Orr, TV on the Radio, October 3 at the Commodore Ballroom. Leigh Righton: Ladytron, October 14 at the Commodore Ballroom. Jody Rogac: Chromeo, October 30 at Shine. CSS, August 4 at Celebrities. n

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MUSIC

Paul Borchert Pink Mountaintops Axis of Evol Jagjaguwar Black Mountain, Blood Meridian, Pink Mountaintops, every project these guys and gals take on turns to gold.

Presets Beams Modular When I was young I hated electronic music, but it’s been growing on me in recent years. If you too are not sure about synth-based music, take a listen to Beams and you’ll start to appreciate the genre.

Regina Spektor Begin to Hope Sire This is a current favourite for me and my girlfriend.

The album is comprised of cutesy pop songs that touch on topics like relationships, drugs, and tangerines? The Russian accent is a plus too.

Shout Out Out Out Out Not Saying Just Saying Nrmls Wlcm Maybe I am a little biased on this one, since I am also from Edmonton. With vintage synths, two drummers, and vocoder vocals, Not Saying Just Saying is the perfect party soundtrack.

Subatomics Big Smoke Independant Edmonton garage rock wunder kidz, the Subatomics are perhaps my favourite band. These kids who are still in high school have already played with the likes of the Detroit Cobras, the Dirtbombs, Thee Shams, and the Black Lips, proving that they are the new face of garage rock.

Bryce Dunn The Buzzcocks Flat Pack Philosophy True North Who would have thought 30 years later these Mancunians would still write punk songs worth hearing?

Well, here’s your proof.

Deadboy & The Elephantmen We Are Night Sky Fat Possum If you thought you were tired of the whole two-piece band phenomena, think again; equally haunting as they are rocking. This affirms the Dirty South has more to offer than just crunk and lo-riders.

The Ettes Shake The Dust Sympathy For The Record Industry This shakes, rattles and rolls all over the damn place

with just enough sass and swagger to make the garage rock elite pee in their stovepipes; has not left my CD player since…

Les Breastfeeders Les Matins Des Grands Soirs Blow The Fuse Even though I lost most of my French translation skills back in Grade 12, this is rock and roll with that certain “je ne sais quoi” that’ll make you shimmy uncontrollably.

The Marked Men Fix My Brain Swami More like melt my brain with their stupefying knack for penning perfect buzzsaw-pop confections…

Filmore Mescalito Holmes George Carlin Life Is Worth Losing Atlantic He’s the greatest stand-up comic in history and he proves so with every release.

Juana Molina Son Domino Possibly the most gorgeous post-folk album ever made by a former Argentinean TV comedian.

Tipper The Seamless Unspeakable Something Tippermusic If you have any appreciation for electronica at all, you owe it to yourself to hear this album. This is the next level shit.

Venetian Snares Cavalcade Of Glee & Dadaist Happy Hardcore Pom Poms Planet Mu This is the best producer Winnipeg, nay, Canada has ever produced. Find out why now.

Zero 7 The Garden Ultimate Dilemma The more I listen to it, the more I like it. It really gives me the chills.

Emily Khong

assault of melodic rock that screamed comparisons to U2.

The Foo Fighters Skin and Bones RCA The Foo Fighters’ live album reminded me of how good their acoustic tour was. But alas, there was no sign of “Tiny Dancer” to be heard (or ridiculed).

Sondre Lerche and the Faces Down Quartet Duper Sessions Astralwerks Sondre Lerche has failed to disappoint me yet and it’s great that he explored his jazzy/crooner side on this album.

Various Artists Science of Sleep OST Astralwerks I’m a sucker for soundtracks and the one accompanying The Science of Sleep is delightful.

Marielle Kho The Jolts Jinx Independent It’s not really a full-length album, but these local guys have been bestowed with the powers of rock and/or roll.

Ratatat Classics XL When we play this album at work, I end up dancing a lot and not really working.

The Sword Age of Winters Kemado These guys are the biggest nerds ever and you can play their songs on Guitar Hero 2. In fact, I challenge you to a Guitar Hero duel. I will crush you.

Various Artists To: Elliot, From: Portland Expunged It’s just a really decent Elliot Smith tribute album.

Weird Al Yankovic Straight Outta Lynwood Volcano I’m just too white and nerdy. Really really white and nerdy.

Michael Mann

Arctic Monkeys Whatever People Say I Am, That’s What I’m Not Domino As much hype as was tossed around on The Arctic Monkeys debut disc, I was pleasantly surprised at the brash energy of the band and all the Brit references sprinkled throughout their lyrics.

Dandi Wind Concrete Igloo Todtenschlaf “Oh hi Dandi. Move back to Vancouver. You’re amazing and we miss you.” “Hello to you too smartass.

Yes, I know this album actually came out in late 2005.”

Editors The Back Room Fader Label The Editors album brought me back to the full-on

Final Fantasy He Poos Clouds Tomlab “Oh hi guys. Next time you decide to put out a really

MUSIC

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MUSIC terrific orchestral pop album, can you give it a name I’m not embarrassed to tell everyone about.”

Gil Manteras Party Dream Bloodsongs Audio Eagle “Oh hi new favourite band. According to my iTunes, your song ‘Elmo’s Wish’ got played 152 times this year. That’s gotta be a lie.”

Psychic Ills Dins The Social Registry “Oh hi caffeine induced trance. You say the Psychic Ills are your favourite band? Okay, I’ll put on ‘January Rain’ one more time if you promise to let me go to sleep at a reasonable hour tonight.”

Sonic Youth Rather Ripped Geffen “Oh hi Sonic Youth. Even though it’s criminal you still have the word ‘Youth’ in your name, you’re still great. I also really enjoyed the Ciccone Youth re-issue you put out this year.“

Trevor Risk Amusement Parks on Fire Out of the Angeles V2 A shoegaze-pop odyssey from a multi-talented youngster. Ask Bob Mould what he thinks about it.

Belle & Sebastian The Life Pursuit Matador With clean, beautiful production, and a lyrical return to form, it’s no wonder this band is inspiring younger bands.

Monkey Swallows the Universe The Bright Carvings Thee Sheffield Phonographic Corporation A band making sparkling twee pop. Clearly the younger generation inspired by Belle & Sebastian.

Phoenix It’s Never Been Like That Astralwerks A good decision on the Frenchmen’s part to move away from instrumental album filler next to a couple of singles, to an album comprised entirely of hits.

Smoosh Free to Stay Barsuk The first record was great considering they were pre-teens. This one is just plain great.

Adam Simpkins Hot Chip The Warning Astralwerks Hot Shit.

SSM S/T Alive What Detroit would have sounded like if it weren’t for the MC5 and techno.

Supersystem A Million Microphones Touch & Go If Four Tet and LCD Soundsystem spawned, but less freakish looking and graced with better flow.

The Walkmen A Hundred Miles Off Record Collection More rollicking than your boozed up uncle but emanating the wisdom of a sage grandfather. The Walkmen have reached perfection.

Natalie Vermeer Beirut Gulag Orkestar Ba Da Bing I would love to bawl my eyes out to this album. I haven’t yet, but I know it will be glorious. I will feel like someone from the old world who has just lost her lover forever. Trumpets will announce the tragedy while I remember the breathtaking romance through sounds of accordion, mandolin, and glockenspiel.

Danielson Ships Secretly Canadian I was never able to listen to a Danielson record in one sitting before this. Not saying that this is any less fun or falsetto though!

Kimya Dawson Remember That Love You K Perhaps it’s cliché to say that this album is the most sincere and open and friendly record I’ve heard, but it really is! I feel I know exactly what it’s like for her to be touring, pregnant and dealing with relationships and her mom’s illness. She is the earnest and nostalgia I loved of the Moldy Peaches.

The Knife Silent Shout Mute This is delightfully dark and dance-y, eerily beautiful and Björk-y. They started touring this year and I really hope to see them sometime as I know it will be just as mysterious and exciting as listening to them is.

Man Man Six Demon Bag Ace Fu The circus fun mixed with bellowing vocal dramas won me over but their live show sealed the deal.This is the soundtrack to my life.

Man Man Six Demon Bag Ace Fu Awesome Awesome.

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POSTER ART Tim Huesken

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MUSIC Calgary, Alberta has always been known for its vibrant music scene and now its poster art scene is poised for more attention thanks in part to the visually vibrant Tim Huesken. His eye-popping work, which combines a love for bold colour schemes and brash animated themes, is more seizure-inducing than Rainbow Brite having an out-of-body experience. At least the folks at Broken City, the city’s premier venue for the adventurous alt-rocker, can see straight enough to have hired this fine gentleman as their in-house artist and no doubt optometrists all over the city will be calling Tim to spike their appointments. Life seems good for Tim, doesn’t it? The more he can corrupt the vision of youth the better, I say. www.shinybluerobot.com

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang

Here is an unpleasant juxtaposition: unprotected sex and antibiotics. Sitting alone in the shadow-less sterility of a doctor’s office I anxiously await my physician. While scanning the floor for my dignity, I come to the conclusion that there will be no graceful way to tell the doctor that my spunk is the wrong colour.

Suddenly the door springs open, and in walks a beautiful woman. My STD doctor is wearing red lipstick. I explain my situation: the discoloured discharge, the sex sans latex; then she asks me to take down my pants. My drawers hit the floor and the doctress puts on a pair of rubber gloves. She gives my damaged goods a once over and then tells me she is going to do a swab. For those of you who don’t know, to test for gonorrhea and Chlamydia a doctor inserts a tiny Q-tip into your pee hole, it’s called a swab.

So there she is, about to perform the procedure. My junk rests delicately in her gentle little hand. Her beautiful face leans ever closer as her big blue eyes focus in on my dong. Then, without warning, she penetrates me. I feel so violated, so used. I pull my pants up and the doctor gives me two types of antibiotics. She 46 IONMAGAZINE.CA

tells me to take them for a week and then to return for another swab. As a parting gift, she suggests that I contact anyone that I have engaged in intercourse with over the past three weeks.

The courtesy call to past sexual partners is something that many people are not comfortable with. When making a call of this type it is important to consider your position within the matter. It is possible that you have passed on this disease to one of these poor girls, but it is also an undeniable fact that one of them gave it to you in the first place. You are not wholly innocent, nor wholly guilty.

You are merely a messenger. This moral ambiguity causes nearly everyone to respond to the courtesy call in the same manner. First, they claim to have just been tested, then they thank you for calling, and finally they offer condolences about the STD. I’m not entirely sure what they do after that, but my best guess is that they are on their way out the door to go get tested the moment they hang up the phone.

A few days after making the calls I go to a party. At parties I typically drink like an Irishman at a funeral, but on this night there are extenuating circumstances.

Antibiotics and alcohol don’t mix, and my penis is very important to me. So I decide to let the medication run its course. Sober, I slide through the best party in town and something odd becomes apparent to me. Everywhere I look there is an attractive girl looking back at me. Is it possible that the festering sex disease soiling my undergarments is making me more attractive to women? Is my defeated demeanor being mistaken for disinterested unattainability? One thing I can say for sure is this: It’s a good thing that I’m not drunk.

HOROSCOPEs Words Ernold Sane

‘‘Dear Q-tip head, the fact that you like the “old country” is the dog’s bollocks

mate. Especially because once you wash your crusty clown face, you actually resemble an “old cunt.” You’re gypsy lifestyle is not by choice, as you are eventually run out of every town you seep into by pitchforks and torches. Packya “mobile”, git ya “knickas” and ya “chunes” and git outya friends “flat.” They’ve figured out you’re from Bellingham and not Brighton you slag. ’’ — Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 AQUARIUS

Jan 21-Feb 19

You know what sweety? This winter will be as cold and damp as your underwear when you wake up. You look much better when we can see your veins through your skin. Seriously, that starving dog look you’re going for is amazing. This winter your look will transform from ‘butch business woman in a suit’ to ‘naughty emaciated Polish policewoman.’ You’ve never been so excited to post that shit on MySpace.

PISCES

Feb 20-March 20

You’re a tired cheating whore-hag who’s been the last cougar in the bar for a solid decade now. No one cares how rad you think you are. The proof’s in the pudding and your pudding’s gone moldy and fishlike. No one cares about music they’ve never heard and can’t understand coz it’s made by deaf kids in Iceland. It’s fucking retarded. Know when to go home.

ARIES

March 21-April 20

When you’re not wasted, you’re as bor- ing as a cancer story. Although your drinking is becoming a problem, it’s essential for your social life (unless

you decide to go for that group suicide). When you go for that group suicide, take my advice: Wear your dark undies, as you will leak liquid poo.

TAURUS

April 21-May 21

You’ve been popping more pills than Anna Nicole’s son. Danny Bonaduce is more appealing than you although your wardrobes are almost identical.

It’s time to cut back and go on a deep cleanse. And yes it is time to shave your pube face beard. (This was submitted early and we’re sorry that we didn’t get a chance to warn Miss Nicole about her kid’s drug problem sooner).

GEMINI

May 22-June 21

a little too keen about ANTM. These people are guilty of MSN and bulletin rape. They are the smelly armpit of society and you are their last hope for approval.

Leo

July 23-Aug 22

It’s time for you to follow through with your dream to move to Europe.

This will wake you up to realizing that you’re internationally unwanted and uninteresting. Only there, your onion breath will be masked by the smoky bars you’ll be shunned. Wiping your clothes with Febreze ain’t gonna cut it either.

VIRGO

Aug 23-Sept 23

So you think you’re quite the comedian, but no one else does. Let’s get this resolved shall we? Put your bright orange cloppers on and drag your pansy ass down to amateur night at Yuk Yuks and afterwards, maybe you’ll shut your pie hole once and for all.

You need to stop by the tanning salon this month. Albinos think you look nasty and are sick of you copying them. Towards the end of the month you’ll fall victim to an albino headlock and nuggie, followed by insults involving your mother and sister and threats laid down about your cat.

Cancer

LIBRA

June 22-July 22

This will be a great month for you.

Money will flow in and so will new friends. Be careful of those who are

or two, or that you love Vidal Sassoon.

It would be a compliment to say that every city you stain with your cake face and your nanna’s blanket in tow is left with a permeating smell of your false lies and fake British twang. We’re not picking up what you’re stepping in.

SCORPIO Oct 24-Nov 22 Your tight pants are great and all but you’re starting to muffin up at the top.

This is least of your worries. As my calendar has it, you’ll not be leaving the country for years and the closest you’ll get to New York is watching reruns of Sex and the City. This is also the closest you’ll get to sex.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 You’ve been neglecting your hygiene to the point where toilets in the East End are talking shit about you. Even your grandma plugs her nose when you hug the poor cow. Laidback is one thing but you’re taking the broke artist thing to the level where your smell is, in fact, an art piece.

Sept 24-Oct 23

You’re not so much a “fallen angel” as you are a plopping poop. No one care’s whether your hair is six shades IONMAGAZINE.CA 47

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