ION Magazine issue 36

FEBRUARY • FREE

Of Montreal Mount Pleasant David Pirrie Valentine’s Day Playlist

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Editor’s Letter It’s a brand new year and ION is back with 1080 lines of resolution, two trillion colours and three HDMI inputs.

Of the Month The Viva Pedro box set, games where you play guitar, movies about junkie teachers, and a cat that’s attached to a man’s head.

ION the Prize Tales of Ordinary Madness Okay we get it. Sam has sex occasionally.

Horoscopes This month ION anoints guest horoscope writer Paul Anthony with the mystical powers of the cosmos.

The Perry Bible Fellowship

ART 16 David Pirrie More car wrecks than a David Cronenberg film.

18 Roll Out Something better than those old movie posters you got from Block buster to put on your walls.

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FASHION 20 Lords of the Rings Some rings that rule them all.

22 The Sheltering Sky A fashion editorial styled by Jacqueline Carlisle and shot by Koby & Lori Studios.

FILM 28 Mount Pleasant Has more drama than 100 people from Mount Pleasant linked together on an online friend site.

MUSIC 30

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The Yoko Casionos Whatever you do, don’t make the mistake of referring to The Yoko Casionos as The Yoko Casinos. For weeks we were conjuring up mental images of a Beatles-themed casino owned by Yoko Ono and now we all feel like idiots.

Damn, I wish I was Your Lover Trevor Risk gives you some tips to make the perfect Valentine’s Day playlist.

Of Montreal So some girl from Montreal broke your heart. Why don’t you go start a band so you can cry about it. Oh wait a minute, you already did that.

Poster Art: Michael DeForge If it wasn’t for my crazy posters I’d never get laid.

Reviews

Volume 5 Number 1 Issue 36 Publisher

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editors Agata Zurek, Ania Mafi Photo Editor Art Direction Associate Art Director Design Assistant

Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Erin Ashenhurst erin@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca

Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Contributing Writers: Paul Anthony, Keith Carman, Tara Conley, Ryan Hoben, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sarah Hutchinson, Sam Kerr, Adam Menceles, Trevor Risk, Adam Simpkins, Natalie Vermeer Contributing Photographers: Darin Dueck, Evaan Kheraj, Koby & Lori Studios, Jason Lang, Mark Maryanovich, Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk, Jeff Petry.

ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. The opinions expressed by writers and artists do not necessarily reflect those of ION Magazine. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. Highresolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, iPhones, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an Wii can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Wii. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada V6B 1B6 Office 604.6969.ION Fax: 604.6969.411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover and Contents Photography: Fiona Garden www.fionagardenphotography.com Model: Christine from Richard’s www.richardsmodels.com Hair: Tania Becker at Liz Bell www.lizbellagency.com Make-Up: Jon Hennessey at NOBASURA www.nobasura.com

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

EDITOR’S LETTER Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

ION MAGAZINE 10

And we’re back with volume five of ION magazine.

I hope your holidays were swell. Mine were. For a New Year’s resolution I decided my life needed more definition. So like many over the holidays, I succumbed to the peer pressure of purchasing an HD television. I’ve learned that standard definition television is a euphemism. It’s actually low definition. Drunk in the gutter while people huck nickels at your sad festering corpse low. Not wanting to be that guy in the gutter, my holidays consisted of researching the difference between plasma and LCD. It seems everyone knows a girl who threw away a chain letter and a pixel burned out on her LCD screen the very next day. Or a guy who crossed an old gypsy lady and an evil eye burned into his plasma screen. If you’re wondering what the difference is, there isn’t any that a sane person would notice. Armed with this knowledge, I walked into a store and came out with a TV that’s bigger than all my friends’ and family’s, because if no one’s clued you in yet, it is a competition.

Once you enter this new highly defined world, you’re forced to enter all these debates that almost dwarf the LCD versus plasma one. Do you want HDMI cables or s-video cables? Are you going to side Blu-ray or HD DVD? Is it cool if you get a DVD player that merely upconverts in the meantime?

What HDTV cable provider are you going to go with? Do you owe it to yourself to buy a surround sound system? Sure, these questions will seem trivial to people who still use tube technology but I assure you, these are pressing questions. Would literally millions of nerds be arguing online about these competing technologies if it weren’t important? These nagging thoughts are a small price to pay so you don’t ever have to leave the house to see a movie. Because leaving the house and walking is a lot tougher than pondering.

Who wants to leave the house anyways? Outside is overrated. It’s cold, it’s wet, it’s gray and it’s depressing out there. Inside is warm, dry and I have a TV that’s capable of reproducing 29 billion colours, which makes me happy (if for some reason I want to see gray, the television can show 3000 different shades of it). On those sad days when I do leave the house, I spend most of my time trying to impress people with how many lines of resolution my TV has—1080 if you were

wondering—as this is important stuff that people want to know. I’d invite these people to come over and watch Batman Begins in HD but I’d rather leave them in awe with the hard numbers. I know what the women are thinking. “Oh sure, you can go over to the guy’s place and his plasma screen measures 60 inches diagonally and people’s pores are the size of your fist. And the surround sound system… Oh the surround sound. It’s like being surrounded by a choir of angels. But we all know he only got all that shit because he’s lousy in the sack.”

Speaking of sack, I moved my bed into the living room. The rationale behind this is simple.

You have to bolt the TV to the wall while beds are comparatively mobile. Now that my bed is in front of the TV, I’ve found that I don’t ever need to leave it, save the occasional bathroom or snack break. I have wireless internet and a cell phone so I don’t even need to go to work. I can get food delivered. I can even pay a nurse to come over to sponge bath me and change the sheets so I don’t get bedsores. Sure I’ve gained 30 pounds and the only phone calls I get are from collection agencies but it’s worth it. These HBO box sets won’t watch themselves.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 12

FIVE FOUR Clothing Photography Evaan Kheraj The prize this month is an assortment of men’s clothing from Five Four Clothing. Founded in a modest L.A. dorm room in 2001, Five Four Clothing has quickly grown to become one of the world’s finest purveyors of stylish urban menswear. The explanation behind their name requires a little math so pay attention. Five minus four equals one, meaning one love. The company’s founders adopted the name after one of their profs at USC business school started saying it at the end of class. Kind of makes you wish you took that class in university instead of the stupid mandatory stats course that completely screwed up your GPA. To enter, go to ionmagazine.ca and click on contests.

ION MAGAZINE 13

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14

DVD Half Nelson

DVD Viva Pedro

Pet Georgia

Hey it’s that guy from Young Hercules and Breaker High! Once again, Canuck Ryan Gosling stars in an indie film that was lauded by critics at Sundance. Gosling plays a teacher with a drug problem at an inner city middle school. Everything is cool until he gets busted by one of his students smoking crack in the girl’s washroom— which will really fuck up your high and make things weird when you’re trying to give the girl a civil rights lesson the next day. But rather than ratting out her teacher, the two form an unlikely friendship while Broken Social Scene provide the score. Deservedly, Gosling received a best actor Oscar nomination for his performance.

Every weekend I like to hang out with the guys.

We watch hockey, drink beer and brag about our sexual conquests from days gone by. Ya know, typical guy stuff. But when the game’s over we light a few scented candles and throw on a movie from The Almodovar Collection. We share feelings and talk about how great women really are.“Goddesses who walk among us” is what we call them.

But back to The Almodovar Collection, hot on the heels from putting out one of the best films of ’06, Volver, our main man Pedro now has eight of his classic movies—including Matador, Live Flesh, Talk to Her and Bad Education—all in one convenient box set. Almodovar probably hates all my hetero man friends. But he makes great movies and loves breasts, which means me and all my guy friends don’t have to hate him back.

So a guy walks into a doctor’s office wearing an oversized baseball cap. When he finally get’s to see the doctor he’s asked, “What’s the matter?”

The man removes his oversized cap to reveal an adorable little cat which is growing out of his head. Shocked, the doctor asks, “How did this happen to you?” Then the cat replies, “I don’t know doctor, it just started out as a small wart.” Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.

Game Guitar Hero 2

Your love of war games and games where you get to waste alien monsters have now become one on the must-have title for the PS3. Welcome to an alternate world where WW2 didn’t happen.

Instead, aliens called the Chimera have landed and have taken over Europe. You’re Nathan Hale, an American sent into alien-occupied England to help liberate the British. Ride in tanks, huck grenades and use futuristic alien weapons to blow up inhuman monsters with cooling units grafted onto their bodies. Insane graphics, insane action and insane online play. You can play arena matches with up to 40 different people. Better bring your wits, because killing all those people while talking shit is no simple task.

Contributor TrEVOR RISK Somehow this issue turned into the Trevor Risk issue and we’re not complaining. Trevor is a man about town. One may catch him with his telecaster strapped to his back running up Main Street, or lugging his dirty milk crates full of records to clubs five nights a week. He was made for music journalism (a precocious nine year old Trevor once gave away his Nirvana tapes because he was “over it”) and the industry in general. Applying his popular music learnings to his sock hop “Ice Cream Social” night at Shine and “Stacked” night at Celebrities, and to his post-pop band “The Good News,” which he shares with fellow ION columnist Natalie Vermeer, Trevor is about to put a thick rubber stamp down in the world, with a little help applying pressure to it from his friends.

ION MAGAZINE

Okay, so you didn’t get a Wii for Christmas. Before you write off your family as a bunch of jerks, keep in mind that PS2 is still putting out quality titles like this one and it’s as good a party game as anything Nintendo has to offer. Play along with a mix of new and old rock favourites on a plastic guitar. Bands like Danzig, Wolfmother, The Stooges, Rage Against the Machine, Guns N’ Roses, Black Sabbath and the Butthole Surfers all offer tunes on the newest version of this game. You can even play a song by stoner metal demi-gods The Sword, who were featured in this magazine not long ago. Guitar Hero 2 will have you rocking out while everyone who’s watching you will be throwing up the sign of the beast. Oh, and if you’re a next generation gamer and the thought of playing a game on an old system induces vomiting, keep your eyes peeled for a version of Guitar Hero 2 for the Xbox 360 which is slated for a spring release.

Game Resistance: Fall of Men

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ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

Pirrie fire

David Pirrie Words Jen Selk

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When I tell David Pirrie his work reminds me a little of M.C. Escher, he seems surprised. “Escher!?” he exclaims “All I remember of his work is endless stairs.”

That’s fair. And to be honest, while there is something vaguely Escher-esque about Pirrie’s work, I was mostly talking out of my ass. The two artists have little in common.

Pirrie, a BC based visual artist, is currently working on and showing a project titled Risk Analysis.

He describes it to me as being about “technology and the arc of human vulnerability; about how we assess risk both metaphorically and in our day to day undertakings.” He also says “Through strict composition and repetition, I am trying to formulate an idea of a conceptual moment in time, a static reminder of our own vulnerability.” That’s artist talk.

Basically, it’s pictures of cars. Cars that are alternately smashed up and wrapped around trees.

Before you write him off as a pompous, academic spewer, keep in mind that I often tease artists about their verbose and oh-so-serious statements, and many don’t take it well, but Pirrie doesn’t seem to mind. He himself uses the phrase “intellectual wanking.” On one hand, he says he regularly struggles with the challenge of describing his own work and isn’t a fan of the sort of jargon-filled academic language you so often hear in the artistic community. On the other, he says,“art can and should be sometimes

difficult… I don’t have a lot of time for people who are too lazy to really try and understand ideas.”

Maybe I shouldn’t have said that thing about it being about smashed up cars.

Regardless, he’s not keen on intellectual wanking, which he blames on French post-conceptualists. Pirrie says, “Sometimes there is no other way to write or think about art.” Particularly since, he says, an artist is a “cultural commodity”. In other words, if an artist or a gallery is going to make a go of it, stuff has got to sell. And, let’s face it, if you’re buying art you’re also buying the idea of yourself as a person who collects art. That doesn’t always come cheap, so emphasizing seriousness can be important.

Pirrie is not one of those artists who seems to be suffering. He is well-known, which you’d think would be a bit of a relief, but he is surprisingly blasé about his own success. In fact, talking to him you’d think becoming an artist wasn’t such a big risk.“I can’t think of a better time to be an artist,” he says, because making a living is actually an attainable goal.

“Today’s contemporary art scene is like nothing ever seen before,” he explains. “Every city now in the western world has to have a major contemporary art institution. Curators must be found, and artists must be found to fill them up. Collectors are snapping up works by artists in their 30s for hundreds of thousands of dollars, sometimes

even millions … This is what I mean as cultural commodity and what is at stake, and why the language of art is becoming so specialized.”

Speaking of specialized language, in our conversations about his work, Pirrie also says he’s interested in “using imagery that floats a tenuous divide between attraction and repulsion. Mortality, illness, geological breakdown, car crashes, all these ideas are in my head as objects of study.”

It might sound novel, but in many ways, this isn’t an original idea. A lot of contemporary artists are currently working with the concept of beautifying the terrible. However, Pirrie’s art still feels original and you’re not likely to have seen anything quite like it before.

Born in Montreal, but raised in North Vancouver, Pirrie spent his university years back in Quebec, and had short stints in Paris and Toronto before settling back on the West Coast where he says he’s happy. “Vancouver is very much my city,” he explains.“It’s a quality of life thing … I can’t imagine living anywhere else.”

Regardless of where you live, you can get a taste of his art through the Douglas Udell Gallery (douglasudellgallery.com) that displays and sells his work in Vancouver, Edmonton and Calgary; on his personal website, davidpirrie.com; and at Dadabase in Vancouver, where his t-shirts are distributed. He has also shown work in Toronto, Seattle, and Turin, Italy, among other places.

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ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

They See me Rollin’ Rollout Wallpaper Co. Words Sarah Hutchinson Photos Andre Pinces

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Ever since she was a little girl, Anita Modha has known that our “traditional” ideas about wallpaper have needed revamping. It was a common occurrence for her parents to find wallpaper peeled carefully off of the walls and then ripped to shreds. Now that she’s older, she and Jonathan Nodrick have created a less destructive way to channel that energy. It’s called Rollout.

You may not have heard about them yet, but this interior design company is revolutionizing the wallpaper industry. They’re a studio that specializes in creating wallpaper for a contemporary, art-savvy audience by offering inspired patterns and graphics acquired through in-house design, found art and friends. The result is like nothing you’ve ever seen (for your walls, anyway).

Wallpaper has a long and distinguished history. It’s been around since the 15th century. Old school royalty thought it was a big deal to cover their walls. There even used to be an exclusive club for wallpaper hangers called the Guild of Paperhangers.

These days, it would seem that the word wallpaper most often calls to mind some heinous floral pattern you were subjected to as a kid. So Rollout, as a venture, wasn’t exactly a sure bet, but Modha sees the wallpaper industry as having huge contemporary potential. “With housing booms and new retail outlets opening regularly, our goal is to keep innovating and testing out new products and materials…Wallpaper may be “out” again in 10 years but we can apply our knowl-

edge, passion and design sensibilities to new applications and products,” she says.

In November of 2005, the Rollout crew presented an art show titled ROLLOUT: An Exhibition of Wallpaper as Art. They gathered together 25 submissions from artists, designers, academics, photographers and creative collectives. Their goal was to display different ideas of what wallpaper could be and the venture got a lot of hype.

Mostly, I think, because their designs ranged from quirky and edgy to haunting and beautiful. One of the most popular designs is called Words Spoken Quieter than Actions, by Chloe Perron.

It’s made up of empty speech bubbles that you and your friends can fill in. Others, like Fog Blossoms and Assembly Point are photography based and have an ethereal quality, while others still, like Paris Trash and Trust are über-hip collage creations. In other words, the designs are all over the place, and there’s something at Rollout for everyone. Existing designs cost $15/sq.ft., but if you want something utterly original, they will transform your personal art into wallpaper too. Your doodles, your photos, your scrapbook contents, your anything could be all over your walls in no time—no frames required. Not only does this open up an endless realm of possibilities for that oddly-shaped alcove in your entryway, (and present a special challenge to those of us who have serious decision-making issues) it offers everyday people a chance to play artist and decorator, all at the same time.

According to Modha and the Rollout website, the company philosophy is to take what has traditionally been seen as everyday and elevate it to the status of art. They believe we need to move away from the cold, stark minimalist interiors that have been popular since the mid-90s and move towards a new spirit of design.“Wallpaper can be a great medium for bringing out warmth, emotion and feeling,” says Modha. “It allows for versatility since the piece can change seasonally and it can change how you use your space. It can encompass photos, texture, collage, graphic elements— almost anything the mind can think up.”

Since opening in 2005, Modha says Rollout has experienced a great public response. She believes that “their wallpaper can provide intense branded experiences,” so businesses and private consumers alike have used Rollout designs to transform their interior spaces.

As unusual as it may sound, Rollout may have hit onto something. Recent trends have emphasized the personalization of our accessories—ringtones, iPods, computers and clothing—and now the design world has tapped in too. Rollout gets that a lot of us are bored with the shiny, packaged world that big box corporations offer. We seek personal expression and a home that is more of a haven, not just a place where we go to for sleep between days spent at work. Rollout is something different.

For more information visit www.rollout.ca

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ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

see:bee ION MAGAZINE 20

Words Tara Conley Photos Fiona Garden fionagardenphotography.com Hair & Make-up Sarah Appleby THEYrep.com

Contemporary, organic, minimal and thoughtful are all words that describe Colleen Baran’s distinctive line of jewellery, See:Be. Baran founded See:Be seven years ago, but jewellery has been a lifelong passion. Her line consisting of chokers, necklaces, earrings and bracelets ranges from bold and oversized to simple and subtle. However, she feels most inspired when she is creating rings. The rings are indeed remarkable and feature multi-part, multi-finger designs. There

are one, two, three, and even four finger rings, as well as other sets that consist of 16 parts that can be interchanged. This sleek line is made of sterling silver with the occasional white, peach, or grey moonstone tossed in for colour.

Baran takes great pride in her work and does it all herself, from design to manufacturing. Hand making each piece, usually without a pattern, results in a unique piece every time. Finding inspiration everywhere, especially in the pro-

cess of creation, sees her jewellery appealing to anyone with an appreciation for interesting and artful things. Gentlemen, if you want to put a smile on your lady’s face this Valentine’s Day, new work from the popular Bubble Lace series will be hitting stores soon.

See:Be is available at: The Vancouver Art Gallery Shop, Dream, Pleasant Girl and online. www.colleenbaran.etsy.com

bloodline design

for a year before launching his own company Bloodline Designs. Featuring pieces made from silver and semi-precious stones, it was an immediate success and was picked up by top fashion stores in New York and Los Angeles.

Norman puts his personal touch on everything and oversees all aspect of production. For ladies he has two collections with prices that range from $80 to $240. The men’s line, which is extremely rock star in nature, has necklaces,

bracelets, rings and wallet chains that range from $180 to $380. A new spring collection hits stores early this month and features a garden theme. Regardless of what collection you go with, it may quickly become the focal point of your personal style.

Bloodline is available at: Men – Boy’s Co, and Brooklyn; Women – Chintz & Company, Beautymark, and Nacional. www.bloodlinedesign.com

ION MAGAZINE

In 1066, the Normans conquered England and it resulted in a millennium of resentment between the British and the French. Well now there’s another Norman currently conquering the jewellery industry with a line that’s a throwback to that old world. Malcolm Norman founded Bloodline Design in 1993 after a trip to get a ring sized triggered a fascination with the design and manufacturing of jewellery. Norman made a quick career changeand started apprenticing with a master goldsmith

Models Leah Christ at Liz Bell and Beth Nickel at Richard’s

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the Sheltering PhotographY Koby & Lori Studios www.kobyandlori.com Stylist Jacqueline Carlisle www.pressbook.com/jacqueline-carlisle Makeup & Hair Hanoch www.plutinogroup.com Model Willow www.nammodels.com

Previous Page: Jacket – Izzy Camilleri; Leather shirt – Izzy Camilleri; Leather Culottes – Izzy Camilleri www.izzycamilleri.com; Ring – Boutique Le Trou www.boutiqueletrou.com This Page: Top – Sunny Fong for Vawk www.vawk.ca; Leather Trousers – Izzy Camilleri; Rosary – Boutique Le Trou

Left: Dress – Izzy Camilleri; Shrug – Izzy Camilleri; Shoes – Izzy Camilleri. right: Dress – Izzy Camilleri; Spats – Izzy Camilleri

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 28

Pleasantville

Mount Pleasant’s Ross Weber Words Michael Mann Photography Darin Dueck You only need to get a few minutes into Ross Weber’s film to realize the title, Mount Pleasant, is more of an ironic jab at the East Vancouver neighbourhood than a helpful reminder that tells you where the story takes place, like Chicago or Philadelphia. It starts in an absolutely horrific manner, with the daughter of a middle class couple playing in the backyard of their new home in a rough, but getting better, area of town. She stumbles across a used hypodermic needle and pricks her hand on it. Weber’s explanation for starting his movie in such a horrible way is a simple one.“You’ve gotta start with something that’s going to grip people in the first 10 minutes. If you don’t grab them in the first 10 minutes you might lose them. That being said, after a couple years of re-writing, I thought I really painted myself into a corner. Once you have that going on, you’re really riding a fine line and the movie may tip over into some kind of melodrama. I think I rode it okay.”

While waiting the excruciatingly long two weeks to get the results back from the HIV/HEP C tests, the young girl’s father, Doug (Ben Ratner), goes on a minor crusade to improve the neighbourhood by taking down the license plate numbers of johns and joining community patrols.

One of these johns is Stephen (Shawn Doyle), a successful real estate agent who is a regular of Nadia (Katie Boland), a drug addicted teenage prostitute whose boyfriend pulls double duty as her pimp. As the story unfolds, we see how closely linked the lives of these people, from very different economic backgrounds, actually are. It’s like Babel, if it was set in East Van and made with an

East Van budget.

“I really wanted to show how everybody is connected in this horrible event that starts the film.

In a sense we’re all connected into this whole society and you can’t really get away from it,” says Weber.“And honestly, we’re not all that much different. Even when someone’s trying to make a good choice, sometimes wanting to make the good choice doesn’t work. Even though Stephen is very successful, he just makes a whole series of bad choices. Is he any better than Nadia? I don’t think so. We’re all in the same boat. I just didn’t want to pass judgment. That was really important in the writing of it. I just wanted to make sure that I didn’t make anybody look worse than anybody else.”

Weber, a film editor by trade, is no stranger to gritty low-budget Vancouver cinema. He cut all the films of maverick Bruce Sweeney, with whom he attended the UBC film school. Weber, a resident of Mount Pleasant, is also no stranger to the goings on in his film.“I first thought of the idea as I was renovating my house. I’d step outside and see really stoned prostitutes staggering down the alley. I went, ‘Oh, where did we move to?’”

In the film, Doug’s house is actually Weber’s house. But the similarities between Doug’s character and himself don’t stop there as Weber also participated in community patrols similar to the ones depicted in the film. Essentially, these patrols are citizens walking around their neighbourhood, approaching undesirables and telling them to go somewhere else. Weber concedes that community patrols are problematic, but adds, “What

can you do? So you have a bunch of people with small children who are concerned and go ‘Look, can you go somewhere where nobody cares. We care, so we’re going to stop you from working.’

Unfortunately, that’s what the powers in the city tell you to do.”

When asked if the horrible scenario is likely or just preying on middle-class paranoia, he points out that incidents like this have been known to happen. When asked if he’s worried about it happening to a loved one he responds, “We don’t have a kid, we have a cat. My Wife has mentioned that.‘Oh, what if the cat gets pricked by a needle?’

I don’t know if HIV or HEP C crosses over to cats.

I doubt it.”

With all the drugs, prostitution and property crime going down in an alley that probably looks like yours, it’s no surprise the film is hitting pretty close to home for many who’ve seen it. “At the Vancouver Film Festival we had a fantastic response. At least a dozen people came up to me after each show and told me it was important.

They live in the area and appreciated someone going out and tackling these social concerns, although it really isn’t that much of a social movie.

I’m just trying to make something that’s entertaining and somewhat sellable.” He also goes on to add that while the movie may be a Vancouver story, people in other cities have had no problems identifying with the film, “There’s a Mount Pleasant in every major urban centre. I think there’s a real common ground here with this film and we knew that going into it.”

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The YoKO CaSIonOs Photography by Mark Maryanovich

Power pop outfit The Yoko Casionos are made up of twins, Misty and Chad Reid, with Kieron Rhys Drake and Juice.

The group first turned heads in 2005 at NXNE where they were proclaimed best unsigned act. However, it’s crown they weren’t able to wear for very long as they were quickly inked to a three album deal with Universal Records.

Their big label debut, These are the New Old Times, is 12 tracks of pop music that’ll lay down a soothing three-part harmony as soon as it’ll show it has teeth. So that little bunny on the cover of their new album might be more like the killer rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sure it looks all cute and harmless, but it’ll rip your head off as soon as it’ll cuddle up on your lap. www.yokocasionos.com www.myspace.com/theyokocasionos

ART FASHION

Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover

Making the Perfect Valentine’s Day Playlist Words Trevor Risk Photography Jeremy Van Nieuwkerk Graphic Design Dale Davies

FILM MUSIC

When inviting your love interest over to your dwelling, it’s best to have your A game. Clean up the place. Bone up on your vocabulary. Sweep up all the cat tumbleweeds blowing around. Yet there is one chore that is the elephant in the room which you must pay precise attention to. It will leak sweat out of your glands and put pressure on your heartstrings. One must sequence the music down to the minute. Nobody will come over and just tongue rape you. The throws of passion can only take place after greasing the axles. Some love songs will work despite logic, and some just need to be avoided entirely (e.g. The Cure “Pictures of You”). Here’s a little St. Valentine’s template to help you avoid explaining your deep love of April Wine whilst in the middle of coital activities. Since mix tapes have to be flipped over and can only hold two hours of music at the most, let’s call this an iTunes playlist.

T. Rex Mambo Sun You gotta start cool and sexy. There isn’t a person with a heartbeat who doesn’t feel the guttural boogie of Mark Bolan. Take this opportunity to pour both of you a smooth drink.

The Cardigans Carnival Sixties themed gem by a band that girls love to love. You can get off on it by the one line that Nina Persson growls and the timed “Ah” before the denouement.

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Poison Fallen Angel People like Los Angeles glam metal. If your belle doesn’t particularly, don’t panic. Cover up by claiming you only like it on a visceral level, and take your Chuck Klosterman book off the shelf to talk about the social reflection of power glam.

That vocabulary bone up you did is coming in handy already.

Gin Blossoms Hey Jealousy Explain that you have no guilty pleasures, just regular pleasures. Look stoic for a second.

Suede She’s In Fashion Tell her you like her outfit while Brett Anderson croons in the background. Pour another drink.

Cass McCombs Sacred Heart Try for a comfortable silence. Cass is the more talented Sufjan.

Frank Black Speedy Marie The acronym song. Take the first letter of each line of the bridge and it spells Frank’s girlfriend’s name, Jean Marie Walsh. Mention that.

Lou Reed Modern Dance From Lou’s often overlooked 2000 album Ecstasy that he probably wrote whilst on the drug of the same name. Here he sings to his nameless lady (or possibly Bowie) about falling in love and traveling the world.

Semisonic Singing In My Sleep A mix tape song about falling in love over mix tapes! Now we’re working on more than one level.

INXS Beautiful Girl The one finger piano line runs through our male minds when the world stops and our pants get tighter. She will notice the “beautiful girl” line repeated, but she won’t mention it. She’ll just file it away in her keepsake box.

Marilyn Monroe with Yves Montand Incurably Romantic Light a cigarette. Let it billow and hold your drink in the same hand as the cigarette. You will look mature. Good for the date with a daddy complex.

Sophie B. Hawkins Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover This should get the point across. Nineties synths loom around the upcoming breaking point.

The Flamingos I Only Have Eyes For You There is absolutely nobody who can resist this song. When it ends get ready because the next jam is the starting pistol.

Heart Crazy On You Simply put, this is the best makeout song ever.

New Order Temptation This will make sure the mouth slurping continues into overtime. Starry-eyed passion for seven minutes of lyrics that make you both blush with excitement.

Curtis Mayfield Underground So you’ve hit a rocket to the gap in left/centre field and you want to make a charge to second base.

Yep, looks like the coach is waving you ahead.

Prince Darling Nicky or Cream (either one really) Prince is a pervert, and so should you be by this point. From the man who penned the lyric “24 positions in a one night stand” come two filthy tracks that signify the beginning of panty-peeling.

Serge Gainsbourg and Bridget Bardot Je T’aime Bridget would not let this song be released until recently. You see, it actually sounds like her moaning is recorded during a love making session on top of the mixing board. Oh, and just so you know, this song is the kicker. It’s the number one song on the list. If it doesn’t help you, nothing will.

Jarvis Cocker Black Magic Jarvis makes sexy music to have sexy sex to.

Try not to think of him when you’re between the sheets though. You should be between the sheets now, by the way.

My Bloody Valentine Don’t Ask Why Loud guitars enter after a few verses and choruses. It’s the... uh... you know.

Shout Out Louds Very Loud Wow. That was great. Take a breath. Take a bow.

Cycle Sluts From Hell I Wish You Were A Beer But you’re not. So get out. I’ll totally call you.

ION MAGAZINE 37

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

Better Destroyers than lovers

Of Montreal

Words Natalie Vermeer Photography Rennie Solis

ION MAGAZINE 38

Kevin Barnes is basically Of Montreal’s genius Brian Wilson composer, minus the issues. Barnes has written the last three Of Montreal albums and has been spinning melancholy and confusion into sunshiny pop songs since the Athens, Georgia band was involved with the Elephant 6 collective of lo-fi psychedelica. Now that he has opened up to new and synthetic sounds, fans have almost no idea what to expect with each album and tour.

What remains constant are his trademark vocals, flashy wordiness and driving dance beats that will inspire many to dress up and get moving.

I reached Barnes on the phone in Athens as the band was prepping for their upcoming tour.

And by prepping, I mean that the band had actually met up.“Right now, Jamey is living in Sweden, Dottie’s living in California,” Barnes explains, “It’s kind of tricky to get everyone together!”

They had been reunited since December to work on Barnes’ material. “That’s the way it’s been for the last three records,” Barnes clarifies, “It’s fun. I mean, I enjoy writing everything but in a way it’s cheating them out of a cool aspect of being in a band, you know, which is contributing creatively. But for the last couple records, it’s just sort of worked out that way. I started working on Hissing Fauna before Sunlandic Twins even came out. I was living in Oslo and so I just made a lot of it on my laptop when I was away from my studio.

So for me, it’s such an important part of my life and it’s so interwoven in my life; there really isn’t anything else that I do other than make music

and think about writing music. I don’t really like to wait for people, like to make a recording date and then have everyone come in and then say, ‘okay, so what do you guys want to do here?’ For me, it’s more fun to think about it in the morning and just work on it right when I wake up.”

Of Montreal’s latest album, Hissing Fauna Are You the Destroyer?, came out January 23rd and I asked if he had started a newer album already. He had! “Well I don’t really believe in taking a break because I don’t want to take a break!” Barnes defends, “For me, a break is just like writer’s block!

That’s like the only time I take a break: if I just didn’t have any ideas. But any time I have an idea, I want to be working on it… What you can do in those periods of writer’s block is just try to do something different like maybe instead of writing pop songs, just try to write weird little ambient pieces or something like that cause there’s always something you can do.”

One surprise on the latest album is the 12 minute song, “The Past is a Grotesque Animal”: a great song for walking fast down busy streets when you’re deep in thought. And originally, the song was even longer. “It was like 17 minutes long,” reflects Barnes. “It’s all about the split up I had, me and my wife split up for a bit of time, we got separated, got divorced and all that. So the lyrics are about reflecting on our relationship together. I wasn’t ready to let her go and she wasn’t ready to let me go either. So, you know, there’s kind of like that period of limbo when we didn’t

know what was going to happen, how everything would play out, you know, if we would get back together or if we would separate forever. So all the lyrics, I’d just been writing in my journal cause we were on tour at the time so I was kind of like obsessing over it and writing all these lyrical ideas down. Basically just like letters to Nina but some of the stuff was maybe a little too personal so I kind of had to edit it out a little.”

But now, things are looking up. Barnes is back with his lady and their young daughter, Alabee.

And with a new tour on the horizon, we can expect more than flashy costumes to keep attentions amplified.“A lot of the changing stage outfits concept is just trying to defeat the static image,” Barnes elaborates.“You know, cause you see a lot of shows and you kind of get sick of what you’re looking at. The music is there and the music is interesting but there should also be a dynamic with the visuals. In the past, we hadn’t really been able to afford to do anything beyond just simplistic solutions like changing an outfit. This tour actually is going to be more ambitious as far as the performance we’re putting on. We’re going to have a couple slide projectors and a DVD projector and we’re going to have some props and a lot more costume changes. It’s going to be a lot of really cool, weird, freaky stuff happening. I’m excited.”

Hissing Fauna Are You the Destroyer? is out now on Polyvinyl.

ION MAGAZINE 39

ART

Michael DeForge

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

40

POSTER ART

Michael DeForge is only 19 but he already has a firm grasp of how the world works. Play your cards right and you too can get away with doing something you enjoy that allows you to scam your way into concerts. As an added bonus, while at the show, you can throw down the greatest opening line of all time.“Why hello there sweet thing. Did you happen to see the poster for this show that featured a monster with three sagging breasts and severed hands getting zapped with lightening by Pac-Man ghosts? All me baby.” After that, the ladies undoubtedly get all Kate Winslet and respond with,“I want you to draw me like your Monster girl.” www.kingtrash.com

ION MAGAZINE 41

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 42

Summary Barr 5rc

OCTOPUS THE BEES VIRGIN

the orange and the black the boils tko

we know about the need Bracken anticon

Menina Chimp Beams concent

is nod/tap/shake-able! This album

Originally hailing from the Isle of

Following in the tradition (a few years

has Brendan Fowler’s rhythmic

Wight, The Bees made a small yet

late, mind you) of Boston’s Dropkick

With the debut of the new project

monologue-style conversations, his

(Samurai Champloo) is a big fan of

impressive dent on American shores

Murphys who released a baseball-

from Hood’s Chris Adams, Anticon

New York’s Chimp Beams is all you

drumming and piano, and Corey

with its sophomore album Free the

centric album, Philadelphia’s The Boils

begins the year on a high. Grafting

need to know about them. Okay…

Dieckman’s bass! Fowler will be tour-

Bees. That record seamlessly fused

stick a bit closer to their own oi inspi-

organic post-rock instrumentation

maybe you need a little more to go

ing with Dieckman this year alongside

the band’s affinity for 60s freak-folk

ration with The Orange And The Black,

with stuttering Prefuse 73 cut-ups,

on. Chimp Beams is an electronic dub

Kevin Shea, Fowler’s free-jazz drum-

and dub, along with a splattering of

an effort entirely dedicated to hockey.

We Know About The Need kick starts

band consisting of three Japanese

ming hero, and Ethan Swan on piano!

pure genius-madness (check out

Emblazoned with Flyers logos from

2007 with an isolated piece of hazy,

men who all live in the Big Apple.

I can’t wait to see it! Oh, and this

the boisterous rave-up “Chicken

front to back (a band photo on the ice

unclassifiable indie electronica along

However, their brand of ambient

album has tracks for your breakup mix

Payback”). With Octopus, the Bees

in requisite jerseys is a nice touch),

the lines of Alias & Tarsier with more

downtempo—speaking in warm dub

and your “I don’t know what I think

level out their playing ground a

there’s no mistaking what this effort is

of an experimental edge. Chris’ vo-

beats and the odd atmospheric hip-

of you” mix. My favourite track is, at

bit—lowering the peaks, but adding

about. Mind you, six songs with titles

cals, though discernibly warm, float

hop groove—defies any one locale.

first, the one I couldn’t listen to ‘cause

a necessary cohesion that was ab-

such as “Warriors Of The Ice” and “I’m

listlessly over dreamlike sounds in a

Marhito provides the bass over which

Fowler is almost whispering and

sent last time around. They still mess

A Hockey Fan” don’t hurt either. Or

shroud of synthetic static. Granted,

guitarist K-Go Mizutani and multi-

gasping with emotion. I felt awkward

around with genres, like good record

expound the possibility of personal

the overall entertainment value is

instrumentalist Yusuke Yamamoto

hearing such personal things on re-

collectors are accustomed to do, yet

improvement for that matter. Eloquent

somewhat standard for Anticon. This

express their desire to staple a

cord. But he makes sense. This is from

here it isn’t a matter of experiment-

lyric twisting tries to portray hockey

album mildly lags at times, but their

multicultural doobie onto the lips of

the track “Complete Consumption of

ing. The band has decided that they

players like heroes riding into battle,

standards still sit well above average.

America. This is the world music to get

Us Both”:“We couldn’t talk before but

refuse to be pegged down, sounding

making The Orange And The Black

While it won’t make many year-end

your neighbors to stop banging on

at least then I could try to read you.

like CSNY one minute and a Cuban af-

either incredibly inspirational or banal

lists, this is a solid start for one of the

the ceiling and join you for a banana

But now there is nothing… how about

ternoon the next. And while the album

and relatively silly. We’ll go with the

most dependable independent labels

blunt. Irie.

you get your own shelves for your own

has a more “Mellow Doubt” vibe to

latter. On a purely musical level the

in music today.

house and I’ll get mine and I won’t

it, Octopus can still throw a curveball

album is standard-fare oi: simplistic

come to your dinner party, I’ll buy my

when you least expect it. Closing

beat-heavy music full of chants and

shelves during your dinner party down

number,“End Of The Street” seals this

a vocal metre that sticks quite close

the street so I know you won’t be

deal, coming off like the Pussycat

to the rap of the snare drum. Talk

there buying shelves—actually, I will

Dolls’“Beep” backed by a New

about paring down your cult/subgenre

try but they’ll be closed.”

Orleans gypsy carnival. Believe it.

even further.

★★★★✩

★★★★✩

★★✩✩✩

This album is listenable! This album

–Natalie Vermeer

-Adam Simpkins

-Keith Carman

The fact that Force Of Nature

★★★★★ ★★★✩✩

Filmore Mescalito Holmes

Filmore Mescalito Holmes

sick in the head les hatepinks tko

45:33 LCD soundsystem dfa

loney, noir loney, dear sup pop

Love Your Abuser Lymbyc System mush

virulence only crime fat wreck

The band we’d all love to hate but

If you don’t know, LCD Soundsystem is

It’s about time Sweden’s Loney, Dear

Remember that cheap ass xylophone

Making it painfully obvious that

will probably end up adoring, Les

basically James Murphy, owner of DFA

made himself known. After toiling

they wouldn’t let you use in your

sophomore jinx only refers to bands

Hatepinks pull out the defibrillators

records and former Seinfeld writer. He

for years in his bedroom, releasing

elementary school band class? This

without any serious longevity in the

and successfully revive the dying

is just about as big a name as you

limited edition CD-R’s to a small yet

is what happens when kids are left

world of music, Virulence proves that

corpse of early 80s European punk

can get in the hipster electronic music

devoted fan base, the man born Emil

alone with that thing for about 20

yet again, a collection of veterans

rock. Short, snotty songs that blast

scene and is remixing everyone right

Svanängen is finally ready to make his

years. The debut album from Arizona’s

still know how to rock better than a

forth in a borderline pretentiousness,

now including JT (not John Tesh, the

grand debut to the rest of the world.

Lymbyc System takes its core of basic

stadium full of greenhorns. Comprised

the seven tracks here may be brief

other JT). Their first record destroyed

Similar to label-mate and multi-in-

drums and guitar and smothers it with

of members of Good Riddance,

but they are entirely unforgettable.

dumpy dance floors everywhere. This

strumentalist Chad VanGaalen, Loney,

vintage keyboards and reverberated

Descendents/All, Gwar and Converge,

Even more impressive, is the band’s

one… not so much. What this album

Dear does it all himself—which,

band class sounds, layer upon layer,

Only Crime has enough familiarity

ability to ride the line between horrific

did do however was get my lazy

unfortunately, doesn’t always benefit

like a mother wraps her child before

within the circle to justify union but

nostalgia and avant-garde musician-

ass off the couch to clean my entire

the greater good of his recordings. A

going out in the snow. It may be chill,

enough spice from punk rock’s various

ship so finely. At times, elements of

apartment with good spirits. Which

large number of the tracks here are

but it’ll warm your soul. Love Your

subgenres to ensure that anything but

Sick In The Head elicits comparisons

makes sense since this album was

just too busy and in dire need of a

Abuser is an album to make you re-

re-tread will occur. The end result on

to Gearhead-era Hives thanks to tinny

commissioned by Nike, that is correct,

trimming. Loney, Noir could have ben-

member why you liked folktronica (the

Virulence, is, well, a virulent mixture of

production values and a spastic aural

Nike, for people who jog. Cleaning my

efited by a less-is-more approach, but

term and the genre).

aggression, passion, melancholy and

attack but overall, there’s no mistaking

house being is as close to jogging as

its architect seems to hear things dif-

that these guys still consider Plastique

I will ever get. So, if you are looking

ferently. It’s too bad, because despite

Bertrand a cutting-edge artist. Even

for “Daft Punk is Playing at My House”

the occasionally excruciating fey-ness

between tempos and groove is omni-

those who disregard their garage-

or “Beat Connection,” don’t get this.

and precious nature of the record,

present as opposed to the strict con-

based sonic stance would be hard-

But if you want to go for a 45 minute

there are some great songs here. You

fines these musicians are otherwise

pressed not to admire Les Hatepinks

and 33 second jog or clean your

just have to weed them out from the

kept under and, well, you can just tell

for having the guts to fall this far back

apartment, get it. It is only available

unkempt overgrowth.

these guys are having fun instead of

into one of music’s most short-lived

through iTunes and is the first music I

yet unforgettable eras. If The Refused

have ever legally downloaded. Move

hadn’t been too busy redefining the

right the fuck over Jesus, here I come.

Filmore Mescalito

Holmes

flat-out frustration. I Song structures are expansive, the ability to oscillate

trying to maintain status quo. . All in -Adam Simpkins

all, this effort holds far more weight, dominance and ferocity than anything

★★★✩✩

-Ryan Hoben

out in years. Well, except for maybe Converge. They’ve still got it…I think.

been Les Hatepinks.

But this is much better.

★★★✩✩

-Keith Carman

★★★✩✩

-Keith Carman

ION MAGAZINE

★★★✩✩

their day jobs have managed to churn

shape of punk to come and looked in the rearview mirror, they would’ve

★★★★✩

43

ART FASHION

FILM Wincing the Night Away the shins sub pop

beast moans swan lake Jagjaguwar

critical acclaim, but his name rec-

Is that an Englishman’s voice I hear?

downers—that’s what Swan Lake’s

spected DJ/producers from the BBC

ognition is neigh. This could change

No Guvna’, it’s just their sound. Their

Beast Moans LP sounds like. It drones,

band—purport to “rock the fuck out,”

world. Following up their old Saturday

with Plays. If you already know Secret

intonation is smooth and their voices

but not in a bad way, it sort of relaxes

there’s a distinct lack of swagger-induc-

morning Radio 1 series Blue Room,

Mommy, you know only one half

mysterious. The Shins’ Wincing the

you then picks you up. Don’t know

ing rhythmeen on debut effort Revenge

they chose, at random, to put together

of this dogmatically DIY musical

Night Away is as cool as it is uncool.

who or what Swan Lake is? Well, it’s

Served Cold. As the name would dictate,

a two disc compilation of indie rock

talent. Before the term ‘glitch’ was

Because it’s cool to be uncool, right?

another side-project indie-supergroup

psychobilly infers that some modicum

and new, yet often already tired, elec-

associated with anything other than

Their melodies are very Beach Boys-

consisting of Destroyer’s Dan Bejar,

of over-enthusiasm or even energy

tronic sounds. It doesn’t really work

a mistake, Dixon’s sonic palette was

esque, with an emphasis on harmony.

Frog Eyes’ Carey Mercer, and Wolf

might make its way into at least one of

for me, but there’s enough quality in

non-laptop and punk. Plays amasses

“Indie” this,“indie” that—what does

Parade’s Spencer Krug. I’ll admit that

the 11 meandering tracks here. Such is

the meandering selections to merit

a legion of Vancouver musicians and

“indie” mean anyways? It plainly

I’m a big fan of acoustic music and

not the case however. Strong songwrit-

a download test. A couple tracks on

collaborators, some of which Dixon

means independently made music.

this album strums it out really well.

ers, the majority of this album perme-

each CD blur genres and bend minds

most certainly got to know from his

That being said, The Shins are quite

Their song “All Fires” is a pretty mellow

ates ability but bona fide results never

(including Coco’s own “Andy Warhol”),

time spent in the now defunct groups

independent. They make their own

sounding tune with a regal drummer

surface. Soaring lead vocals ride over

but most of it is the cleanly recorded

d.b.s. and The Red Light Sting. The

music. People want to hear songs

boy style beat.“The Freedom” echoes

predictable (albeit proficiently-played)

sound of some flake(s) yammering

melding of the two Dixons is what

that sound great, and that’s exactly

its message out to you with a bang.

songs but the stench of insecurity

on about just how much they love

makes Plays a breakthrough for this

what they’ve done here. Songs such

Is that an organ I hear? Awesome.

and/or just plain melancholy overrides

Hallmark poetry. Sheer rave idiocy

20-something. Dixon’s grafting of

as “Phantom Limb” and “Black Wave”

Organs are so old school—they bring

any other efforts. It’s like the band needs

abounds. Add the fact that Uffie’s “Pop

“real” instruments like viola and saxo-

evoke thoughts of a voyage out to sea

it all back home. Have you got a crav-

to pick everything up at least a notch or

The Glock” and E Berg’s “Love Your

phone to field recording and vocals

with The Shins supplying the perfect

ing for grounding music that makes

two and become confident about blow-

Bum” are among the dumbest songs

using “un-real” software comes off

background music. Put on your sea

you want to kick it with a Buckingham

ing your fucking eardrums away instead

ever written in the history of recorded

like a Halifax kitchen party recorded

legs and shimmy on over to the lo-

Palace guard in your friend’s base-

of just kinda…well…hoping to, y’know?

sound, and you make telling people to

to tape, fed through a shredder, and

cal music emporium for Wincing the

ment? Then ship out to the shop and

Given the structure, performance and

at least download this first an act of

re-assembled. Organically approved

Night Away.

make your way back home with a

ION MAGAZINE

MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

revenge served cold thee merry widows cargo

listen again Rob Da Bank/Chris Coco ether

plays Secret Mommy ache

While Thee Merry Widows—allegedly

Rob and Chris are both highly re-

America’s first all-female psychobilly

recording quality, there’s a great band

basic human decency.

and electrifying!

44

★★✩✩✩

Andy Dixon is an artist who garners

copy of Swan Lake’s Beast Moans LP.

★★★★✩

hiding in Thee Merry Widows. Now all they have to do is realize it as well and hit us over the head. As is, they’re just another unacknowledged signpost on the psychobilly highway.

-Keith Carman

★★✩✩✩

Filmore Mescalito Holmes

★★★★✩

Tiny Tim raising Lou Reed’s kid on

-Robert Robot

-Adam Menceles

★★★✩✩

-Adam Menceles

ION MAGAZINE 45

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS

COMICS

Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang

ION MAGAZINE 46

Plans can fall through, and so often they do.

I am a man that cherishes his privacy. I won’t leave the apartment without my earphones in and my music loud enough that I can’t hear the panhandlers’ broken pleas. Big brother is watching and the internet has become his domain. One can no longer enter the public sphere without a genuine fear of ending up on a webpage somewhere in the dark expanses of cyberspace. The videotape of Saddam being hanged came from a civilian with a cell phone. Somehow somewhere, solitude and secrecy slipped into scarcity.

That being said, I was recently forced to hatch a devious plan to recover some compromising photos of myself… performing a sexual act. I was quite drunk and making poor decisions at the time of said sexual act. When the digital camera came out I didn’t think twice about using it.

The morning after the incident, I wake up and the girl is gone - along with the microfilm. There is no time to lose. If the pictures make their way onto the internet, I will be stuck with them for life, a tattoo written in binary code, a case of digital herpes.

I assume that the camera must be at her apartment, which I had been to once before, and I know that my photographer woke early to go to work.

So I may have a window of opportunity, but how can I get to the camera.

I arrive at my photographer’s building and examine the window of her third floor apartment. Although possible, I determine that scaling the wall would be a fool’s maneuver. With all the onlookers around I would likely end up in jail. After brief consideration, I decide that the only logical course of action is to go to the photographer’s place of employment and steal her keys.

On the way there I stop to buy some flowers and a card at a corner store. I arrive at my photographer’s restaurant keeping a keen eye out for her. Inside, I pull the hostess aside and tell her that I am the photographer’s man of the moment.

I show her the flowers and suggest that I want to put them and the romantic card into my photographer’s purse. The hostess smiles, so I ask her to guard the door of the cloakroom in order to make sure that the photographer doesn’t discover my presence. Like the teenage muppet that she is, the hostess buys my bullshit hook line and sinker and I am off with the keys before you know it.

I enter my photographer’s apartment and make my way directly to her computer. It is my worst nightmare. I see the camera being fully penetrated by the USB cord. The photos have been uploaded

to the computer and I have been robbed of my innocence. There is a fast food cup half full of cola sitting on the desk. I open the window. I take the camera to the sink and soak it in water. Then I return to the desk and pour the cola on the camera and place the cup by its side, as if the wind had knocked it over. After that I try to boot up the computer but I am stopped by a startup password. Left with few options, I open up her computer tower and take my lighter to her motherboard, and then replace the casing. Finally, I exit the apartment leaving her keys hanging in her door. In spite of my best efforts, I have been defeated.

It seems to me that having a perverse interest in the lives of people that one doesn’t know is becoming more and more the norm in our society. When this social shift is coupled with the cult of celebrity that currently plagues us, we find ourselves a population of vicarious voyeurs celebrating fame for fame’s sake. So when a shot of my schlong arrives in your inbox, do not think of me as a poor sod that got drunk and took his nuts out for a camera. Instead, see me as a trailblazer embracing the age of the internet. Only now, with my dignity gone, I am free to embarrass myself in public whenever I want.

HOROSCOPES: PAUL ANTHONY Photography Jeff Petry

“You wonder why you feel less inspired, why the fire you once had seems to have been extinguished? It’s because you’re old. And if you are having a birthday this month you’re feeling extra old. Hope is for the young and you missed your chance. You’re only hope now is to start fucking someone at least 10 years younger then you are. Sex is a transfer of energy and this is your best way to recapture your youth. Now, it won’t actually help in the long run, but it will make you feel amazing for a little while. And you definitely deserve to feel amazing.”

-Aquarius

ARIES A family member may improve in health or receive an advancement in their career that brings about jealousy to the whole family. Remember that the holidays are over. You no longer need to spend time with these boring people. February is a month to get back to your old ways of ignoring loved ones and avoiding confrontation. Just crank up that heat and cocoon.

Taurus If anyone who you are romantically interested in calls you “Buddy” this month, that means they think you’re ugly. When someone only likes you as “a friend,” they use that word to let you know that the warmth should not be misconstrued. It’s the hard truth and if you can’t find the truth in a horoscope, where are you gonna find it?

GEMINI

those things you wanted will then be yours. Stand back and gasp in awe. You are a master.

Leo You may find love this month, but you probably won’t. You really need to go clothes shopping and lose that extra “holiday weight” you’ve been carrying for the last two years. No one will ever want to be with you until you want to be with yourself.

Virgo Growing a moustache won’t protect you from intimacy. You know who you love more then anyone, so there is no reason for you to be “just friends.”

Take the plunge, it might seem weird at first but after a couple of awkward oral sex sessions you will realize that boning your best friend is the ultimate relationship.

Libra

Cancer

Scorpio

At this time, you should try to minimize your differences from those around you. In other words, focus on your innate gift of manipulation. See how many different people you can lie to in one day. All

Turn on the radio. The first song you hear will describe how you must live your life. Don’t question it, just do exactly what it says, even if it goes against everything you believe in. Your new life

Sagittarius It’s time for you to realize that MySpace is just electronic high school; An illusion of popularity.

Most of those people aren’t even sure who you are. If you don’t believe me you can test this theory. Post a bulletin that says “Do you know who I am?” and see how many people reply. That number will be your true number of friends.

Capricorn This month will be met with harsh financial decisions. Bus or taxi? Going out or staying in?

Grande or Venti? These might seem frivolous but the wrong choice may bring about your death. I know. So choose wisely.

PIECES This is the time to allow your social life to be a fruity cocktail of work and pleasure. If you were ever looking for that perfect moment to bone a co-worker, this is it. Ask them about their personal life. Remember the names of their family members and ask about them whenever appropriate and you will be in there faster then Vagisil® to Paris Hilton’s vagina. Wugga, Wugga!

Paul Anthony is a renaissance man and gifted astrologist. If you’re interested in website archives from 1990, he invites you to visit www.123presents.com

ION MAGAZINE

When you pass someone on the street who is chuckling, you assume they are laughing at you.

Birds chirping even sound like snide laughter to you. Get over it, no one is making fun of you because no one notices you. They just don’t care.

If you are worried about paying bills this month, don’t be. Get drunk, get high, forget about your problems. God will take care of you as long as you give all your spare change to the homeless. That is all you need to do. That will get you into heaven.

However, if you’re an atheist, you’re fucked.

will be fabulous!

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