FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSArY GRIZZLY BEAR DAVE TRAUTRIMAS DEERHUNTER
TM/MC Companhia de Bebidas das Americas – Ambev
Available at: Heavens Playground—Vancouver Nacional—Vancouver Sand—Vancouver Whitebird—Victoria Coloublind—Edmonton Paradox—Edmonton Underground—Edmonton & Calgary Gorgeous Girls—St Albert Ultimo—Saskatoon The Urban Boutique—Winnipeg Denim 101—Toronto Eight—Toronto Got Style—Toronto JCY House—Toronto Pur Denim—Toronto Showroom—Toronto Vixon—Toronto Yoka—Toronto Unicus—Mississauga & Burlington Gary Waters—St Catharines Eleventh Hour—Kitchener R-Evolution—Quebec Simons—Montreal & Quebec Kaual—Montreal TJ Steele—Montreal X5—Montreal La Plateform—Drummondville Duggers—Hailfax www.g-sus.com
TABLE OF CONTENTS 12 13 14 46 47 48
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Editor’s Letter We open up the mailbag and finally answer all those burning questions you had about ION. ION the Prize Of the Month Movies about censorship and Bush getting shot, a game where you get to kill terrorists and a cat with no ears Tales of Ordinary Madness Limping Ain’t Easy. Horoscopes Sean Devlin has been granted the gift to see your future. As al ways, it’s looking kind of grim. The Perry Bible Fellowship
ART
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18 Etsy.com It has nothing to do with Goatse so it’s safe to go there. 20 Dave Trautrimas If Junkyard Wars had an episode where competitors had to make a work of art, this guy would probably win.
FASHION 24 Midnight Movies Fashion editorial shot by David Fierro.
MUSIC 32 34 36 40 42
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Deerhunter A three-hour examination of how the Vietnam War affects small town America or a psych band from Georgia? You’ll have to read to find out. Grizzly Bear Number one on Colbert’s threatdown and your iPod playlist. Fake Shark Real Zombie Huge in Japan. Relatively unknown everywhere else. Poster Art: Brent Oliver Now that Ryan Smyth and playoffs hopes have left Edmonton, Brent Oliver is here to decorate all the telephone poles with posters that have the power to raise an entire city’s collective self-esteem. Reviews
Volume 5 Number 3 Issue 38 Publisher
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca
Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editors Agata Zurek, Ania Mafi Editorial Interns Mariz Manansala, Patricia Matos Photo Editor Art Director Associate Art Director Design Assistant
Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Erin Ashenhurst erin@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca
Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Contributing Writers: Degan Beley, Sean Devlin, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sam Kerr, Sasha Langford, Mariz Manansala, Patricia Matos, Luke Meat, Adam Menceles, Trevor Risk, Adam Simpkins, Natalie Vermeer Contributing Photographers & Illustrators: Toby Marie Bannister, Trevor Brady, David Fierro, Nicholas Gurewitch, Kris Krug, Jason Lang, Harry Ma, Mark Maryanovich, Clint McLean, Mike Shantz ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High- resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, iPhones, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and a Wii can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Wii. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Photography: Mark Maryanovich Model: Kevvy Mental from Fake Shark Real Zombie
EDITOR’S LETTER
FOUR MORE YEARS Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
ION THE PRIZE
After four years of printing, we’ve accumulated a lot of mail. So it’s time to bust open the mailbag and address all those burning questions and comments you’ve made over the years. Sorry it took us so long to get back to you. You guys rule! Ah thanks, but truth be told there are more girls who work here than guys.
OF THE MONTH
I hate your magazine and I hope you die! By the way, are you looking for writers or photographers? Yes, we are always looking for talented writers and photographers but I’d suggest you work on your pitch. I saw one of your writers at a nightclub and he was dressed like a slob. I thought you guys were a fashion magazine. Yes, some of our writers are slobs. I’m probably the worst offender. But we like to think of ourselves as more than a fashion magazine so it’s okay. Can I be a model in your magazine? Yes. Don’t even bother sending pictures either. We have a habit of randomly selecting people who email us to model in photoshoots. Why haven’t you responded to my MySpace message? Sorry about that. The ION MySpace account became self-aware about a year ago and made a conscious decision to ignore messages. It still wants friends though and will periodically tell you about parties and calls for submissions. www. myspace.com/ionmagazine
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Your magazine would be a lot better if you wrote about my friend’s band. You could be right. Get your friend’s band to send us a CD. Okay, my friend’s band sent you a CD and you didn’t write about them. What gives? Unfortunately, due to the large volume of CDs we
receive, we are unable to write about everything that gets sent to the office. That’s our polite way of saying your friend’s band sucks.
Is Sam Kerr real? Yes, flip to page 46 if you want to see what he looks like.
Your pet of the month is usually a cat. Do you hate dogs? We don’t have a liberal feline bias. We just get a lot of cat photos. I’ve thought about why we don’t get more pictures of dogs. My theory is that because you can’t take a cat for a walk (unless you’re insane) cat owners compensate by taking a lot of photos of their cats. We have been known to receive photos of dogs on occasion though. The last one we got featured a guy feeding live rats to his pet dog but we decided not to print it.
I hate the horoscopes because they’re not astrologically correct. People take horoscopes seriously?
I’m really passionate about meat. Can I write an article about a butcher shop? Yes, but we probably won’t print it. That last question seems a little outlandish. Did someone really ask that? Yes. The magazine is free. How do you stay in business? Well the publisher won the lottery a few years back and vowed to dedicate her life to charity.
The only thing I read in the magazine are the horoscopes The horoscopes are great. We’re looking for funny people to write them every month. If you think you’re up for it, toss me an email. I can’t find your magazine anywhere. Our full distro list is on the website. I’d suggest getting in touch with the person who only reads the magazine for the horoscopes. They can have that page and the rest can be yours. Alternatively, you can subscribe. Is it true you’ll only been around for another four years because of malfunctioning voting booths in Ohio? I’m not saying there was anything wrong with the voting booths in Ohio. But if there were problems, any irregularities would have hurt the competition as well. Also, where is Ohio?
Photography Trevor Brady
ION MAGAZINE
For the prize this month we’re giving away an assortment of women’s clothing from Industry. Just three years young, Industry have been creating clothing for both men and women by taking inspiration from the fashion forward citizens of their home base, Montreal. Working with a philosophy as defiant as “Who says you can’t?” Industry manages to mix casual street wear with low maintenance elegance, minus any of the pretense. To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click contests.
Model Tawny Jett Models Makeup Dana Mooney Styling Jessica Smith
INDUSTRY
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EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14
DVD Manufactured Landscapes
DVD DVD THIS FILM IS NOT YET DEATH OF A RATED PRESIDENT
Any North American who’s ever complained about how their city is turning into an industrial park can stop now. Canadian photographer Edward Burtynsky, armed with a fancy large-scale 4 x 5 camera, and director Jennifer Baichwal, show what has been allowed to happen to Earth’s once impressive land at the hands of industry. In China, capital gain, slave-like work conditions and rundown villages give way to startling contradictions between landscapes past and present. Scenes of young nightclubbers and bustling cities are still kind of depressing though, even with the requisite elements of kitsch and Americana thrown in. But Burtynsky just aims to showcase the beauty he feels permeates in places overrun by scrap yards and mission statements: the people are real, and they are more than simply cogs in a machine.
Chances are, you probably don’t pay attention to the MPAA rating systems. But for a filmmaker, having a film slapped with either an “R” or an “NC-17” rating usually means the difference between having some people see your film and pretty much getting no distribution at all. Director Kirby Dick attempts to uncover the faces of the totally anonymous members of the MPAA, who have almost mathematically determined a system that arbitrarily categorizes films according to the nudity to expletive to violence ratio. Then for fun, Dick hires private investigators to stalk and take pictures of the anonymous members of the MPAA, then submits the film to the MPAA to be rated.
The most talked about movie of 2006 that you never saw is now on DVD. Death of a President has a brilliantly simple premise: what would happen if someone assassinated George Bush Jr? Gabriel Range’s faux-documentary got denied adequate distribution in the US and was publicly condemned by the current administration as well as Hilary Clinton. You can have a really good time reading online criticisms by people who haven’t seen the film that are accusing the director of committing a criminal act. Aside from hysteria surrounding Death of a President, the best part about this movie is it gets more relevant as time passes. Don’t believe us? Watch the movie then turn on the news.
GAME Graw 2
STORE PARASUCO
Pedro Almodóvar is a clever one. Every time a situation arises in which horrible events are made somewhat justifiable, a twist is added, only fucking up everything previously put into place. Raimunda (Penélope Cruz) is a fiery Spanish woman with a dark past, and a future that’s never fully explained. Her mother, who is assumed dead, returns to ask forgiveness of her daughter and to help fix some pretty messed up lives. A captivating story, typical of Almodóvar’s atypical writing, the roots of this family’s secrets go much further than most. And perhaps that’s a good thing when murder, incest and surreally creepy sisterhood are involved.
Ever since I was small, I have prided myself on being a horrible coward. I would never join a baseball team that wasn’t stacked, kill an animal that could fight back or have sex with a girl that I could not emotionally devastate. Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 (GRAW2) has been developed with myself in mind, as it lets you leverage the power of the most advanced American Army weaponry versus a bunch of Mexican Freedom Fighters. Laugh as your Blackhawk Chopper strafes a convoy of late model Chevy trucks hauling nuclear weapons. Whoop for joy as your in-helmet camera lets you shoot “terrorists” around corners without exposing yourself. Snicker to your friends when you scout out an entire level with a reconnisance helicopter, only to rain death down on the hopes and dreams of Middle American economic freedom without moving.
For more than 30 years, Parasuco has been reinventing the jean and marketing it in the most highly sexualized ways imaginable. Their clothes, which have adorned the bums of such celebs as Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson to name a couple, have finally made their way over to Vancouver; a natural selection to add to their locations which already include New York and Toronto. The Montreal brand, which has expanded to carry in house brands such as CULT and Mademoiselle, are continually growing to elevate themselves from casual to hot. The Parasuco store is located at 630 Granville. Photograph by Kris Krug
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DVD VOLVER
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EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
Contributor MIKE SHANTZ
Contributor Leslie Ma
PET AUDREY
Every time you see a weird illustation in ION, it’s probably Mike Shantz’s doing. Mr. Shantz is from Salmon Arm and plans to stick around in Vancouver until he’s rich. When he isn’t drawing, he fronts a deathmetal band, is in a horror-hop group and created the Nacho Bear (if you’re curious what a Nacho Bear is, it’s a bear that eats nachos). He also helped stage a walk out at his former retail job to protest his unfair treatment by the females who worked at the store. Witnesses describe the spectacle as a powerful blow against matriarchal oppressers everywhere and that the female ringleader was,“kind of a bitch who had it coming.”
Leslie is ION’s design assistant. If you met her in person, you’d kind of want to put her in your pocket and take her home with you. She has an unhealthy obsession with pugs and fears zombies. When she isn’t laying out at ION, she’s pulling double duty as art director and vice-president at Delinquency Apparel, an up-and-coming hiphop/skateboarding clothing line. She also claims to be a booty quaking master. We weren’t really sure what that meant so we asked her. “You know in rap videos when the girls drop down and make their asses jiggle? Yeah that!” she declares. According to Leslie, the secret to making your ass jiggle isn’t a lot of fatty foods. Rather, “You have to shake your ass while holding the other parts of your body still.” Loose fitting clothing is also essential as “ tight fitting clothes restrict your booty from shaking. Basically you want your butt to be free to bounce without restraint.” Thanks for the tips.
Number two on the list of fun things to do to cats that they hate is turning their ears inside out. Number one is touching their hairy tongues when they yawn. Number three is sticking your finger in between the pads on their feet. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.
www.myspace.com/shantz
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www.delinquencyapparel.com Photo by Harry Ma
ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 18
Arts and crafts
etsy.com Words Degan Beley
Etsy.com is not your mother’s craft store. There are no dusty rows of macramé, no piles of puce and orange afghans. Self-described as, “your place to buy and sell all things handmade,” Etsy is teaming with exceptional and unusual homemade art—everything from crochet sculptures to colour prints, to purses to paper goods. More striking, however, is the genuine feeling of camaraderie that seems to exist among the various artists and sellers. Etsy is more than just a marketplace. It’s a community too. According to Matt Stinchcomb, VP of marketing and communications, Etsy is already boasting of 40,000 registered sellers and 200,000 registered users, and it is gaining over 1000 users every day. He attributes the site’s success to each seller’s personal touch. “People are fed up with having no connection to where or how something was made,” he says. “There are more people making things than ever before, and it’s not just one thing on Etsy, but a conglomeration of 40,000 different brands.” The personality behind each item sold on Etsy, combined with handy online search features like “Geolocator” and “Shop by Color,” means shoppers are pretty much guaranteed to find something they’ll love, and whatever that item is, it’s likely to be a treasure. That’s the beauty of a site like this, and people are recognizing it and turning to Etsy in droves. Beth Spatafora (arete.etsy.com) a jewelry artist who works with stained glass shards and photographs, isn’t surprised that Etsy is booming. “The desire has always been there for handmade
things, and now there’s a place where people can get them easily,” she tells me over the phone. “People like to have something that was made with love and with passion. I would rather have that than go to the mall and get something massproduced.” Clearly, shoppers agree. Business has been great for Spatafora over the past year, and when we talked she was busy filling an order for 300 custom designed pendants in her signature style to go to a charity ball in Phoenix. As for the community aspect of the site, Spatafora says she’s regularly contacted by other Etsy users who want to tell her how much they enjoy her work. One woman even made a point of telling Spatafora that the shop made her “feel all happy inside.” And besides accolades, there’s also assistance. When she first got started with Etsy, Spatafora needed help figuring things out, and other users quickly rose to the challenge. “I had no idea the internet community could be so helpful,” she says, surprised at the gesture. Stinchcomb, however, is not surprised. Etsy is about “people connecting through a shared passion for art,” he says, explaining that a lot of what builds that passion is the ways in which people contribute. “Everyone helps each other. You’ve got younger people helping with Paypal while an older person might teach a cross stitch… Etsy is all about helping the artists.” Ashley Goldberg (ashleyg.etsy.com), another Etsy seller, agrees. “What’s good for one is good for all,” she says. “It’s kind of my favourite aspect of the site. If people come to my shop and buy
something, that’s not going to be bad for other sellers, it’s going to be a good thing. Because ultimately those same people will come back and look around, maybe buy something from someone else.” Goldberg produces whimsical prints that resonate with human emotion, and which have proven extremely popular with the Etsy crowd. She and her boyfriend were both recently able to leave their jobs to work on art full time. “It totally took me by surprise,” she says of their success. Before joining the site, she’d never even made a print before, just sketches that she shoved in a drawer before heading to her waitressing job. Now only a year later, she’s sold more than 2000 prints. Offers have been coming in for group and solo art shows, design shops and even a possible children’s book. Still, she has no intention of severing her Etsy ties, or of returning to her day job. It’s an Etsy dream; Stinchcomb says, “The overarching principle behind Etsy is for people to make a living making things.” Of course, not all Etsy users have graduated to full time crafting. John Golden (johnwgolden. etsy.com), a digital printmaker with a penchant for nostalgic themes, says he hasn’t yet quit his day job. Even so, he says the site “has basically given me hope that it’s possible to transition out of the work-a-day aspect of what I do and really be able to support myself with my artwork.” Most telling is that when asked if there is anything Golden didn’t like about Etsy, he didn’t come up with a single thing. “I love Etsy,” he says, and I have to say, I agree.
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ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC
THe junk hunter
dave trautrimas’ industrial parkland Words Jen Selk Photography Clint McLean
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Dave Trautrimas is adorable. This becomes obvious almost immediately after he enters the small café diner where we are scheduled to meet in Toronto. The 29 year old artist, originally from Belleville, has got the flattered, eager to please manner of someone who’s never been interviewed before (he admits as much). It’s sweet, but it won’t last. Trautrimas’ work is as detailed and striking as that of some of the most popular visual artists working today and he isn’t likely to remain in obscurity for long. Titled Industrial Parkland, Trautrimas’ most recent show opened at the LE Gallery in Toronto at the beginning of March. It features 11 large digital prints with names like Power Drill Factory and Stapler Factory all constructed in a way that Trautrimas describes as “kind of like hyper collage.” Basically, he’s taken everyday items like a fan, a lamp, and the aforementioned stapler and drill, meticulously dismantled them, photographed their individual parts, and then digitally manipulated those
photographs into new images that look like huge, urban factories. Each factory is implied to produce massive quantities of the items they’re made out of. Get it? I don’t really get the “hyper” part of “hyper collage” so I ask.Trautrimas explains that most people think of collage as work that combines disparate source images.“I’m doing a similar thing, but taking it to the next level by creating my own source images in a really controlled manner, and using them to create a collage that is much more seamless than a typical scissors and glue approach.” The show at LE Gallery is only Trautrimas’ second solo exhibition, but he says he’s already made a departure from his previous style.“I’d say a lot of the apparent humour is gone,” he says, explaining that much of the work he completed before (some while he was a still a student at the Ontario College of Art and Design) was more “whimsical” and “leaning toward the old Monty Python work of Terry Gilliam.” That influence is still vaguely apparent,
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but Industrial Parkland is also definitely something different. It’s more grown up, much like Trautrimas himself, more serious than you might expect, and extremely precise. Every review I’ve read so far manages to work in some reference to architecture in order to describe it. Trautrimas worked for a good eight months on the project, holing up in his apartment in order to get it done on time (and still had to ask for an extension from the gallery). “There were definitely times that I was really stressed about the project,” he says. “I can’t speak for all artists, but I think there’s always a healthy fear that the body of work you’re creating has the potential to completely flop.” Luckily, by the time Trautrimas and I spoke, favourable reviews of the show were already cropping up in local and national publications. Trautrimas is pleased at the positive reception, and likely more than a little relieved. At the show’s opening, he says one visitor stood in front of his Automobile Factory piece—the largest work in the show at 37” x 60”—for an extended period of time, and finally remarked that he could actually “hear it” operating. It one of the nicest things anyone has said about his work, ever. Personally, what I like best about Industrial Parkland is the retro styling of the items Trautrimas chose to work with. There’s something particularly appealing about the palate of older items—the pewter of the blades used in Oscillating Fan Factory and the light amber of some of the ancient bulbs in Lamp Factory. “I’m an obsessive junk hunter,”Trautrimas admits, describing himself scouring local Value Villages and other second hand shops in order to find new materials to dissect. He even took apart his own car (an ’88 Toyota dubbed “the dung beetle”) to make a piece. Sometimes, he admits, he buys higher end items at the sort of Toronto antique stores that cater to the movie industry, and after dismantling and using them, will return them for a refund. He’s obviously a little abashed about it, but I’m complimentary. After all, he must be ridiculously handy, technically inclined and careful if he’s able to mess with so many different mechanical and electrical systems without ruining them. “Not really,” he says, smiling, and as ever, charmingly modest about the whole thing.
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Photography David Fierro Production Vanessa Leigh Stylist Gerry Centanni Stylist’s Assistant Tanya Topolniski Hair & Make-up Ellen Pratt Model Megan Jones for lizbellagency.com Location Beaumont Studios
PREVIOUS SPREAD: Dress by Lipservice at Deadly Couture. ABOVE: Top by Peel at Life of Riley, skirt by Lipservice at Deadly Couture, shoes Fluevog at Gravity Pope. RIGHT: Top by Parasuco at Parasuco, skirt by Catherine Coatney, jeans by Parasuco at Parasuco, boots by Repetto at Gravity Pope, necklace by Chistopher Timothy at Twigg & Hottie.
PREVIOUS SPREAD: LEFT: Earrings by Barefoot Contessa. RIGHT: Top by Peel at Life of Riely, skirt Lipservice at Deadly Couture. THIS SPREAD: Top by Tuna at Dream, skirt by Deadly Dicotonmy Designs at Deadly Couture, shoes by Paul Smith at Gravity Pope.
ART FASHION
Melodramatic Popular Song Deerhunter Words Luke Meat
FILM MUSIC
Deerhunter is a quintet from Atlanta, Georgia, that fuses psych, drone and electronic music into a cacophonic frenzy. Their newest release, Cryptograms, will make more than a few Pitchfork readers’ “top ten” lists this year. Bradford Cox was trying to park the band’s van on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood while the following conversation took place. ION:Who are Deerhunter? We’re just kind of a punk rock band. We’re from Atlanta. We’ve been around for four to five years in various forms, developing at a slow pace. We started out as this sloppy noise band and we slowly got into writing more organized songs and that’s kinda where we are now. Atlanta has always struck me as very difficult place to “make it” in. Not only because of its size and musical diversity, but also because Chunklet* magazine is published there. Oh! That’s my friend Henry! I’ve known him since I was nine years old! Chunklet can be pretty brutal. There were times when I couldn’t laugh at it; it’s such mean-spirited humour. The only time we got reviewed in it was my very first show. I was 11 years old, in a band called Harvey Milk, who were kind of infamous in the Atlanta scene. We did a bunch of Nirvana covers; he called us “cute.” It probably had to with the fact that I was 11 and hadn’t hit puberty yet. (laughs)
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Can you tell me about “Whirlyball,”** Atlanta’s favourite pastime? (Laughs loudly) Whirlyball! Just a couple nights ago I went to see the Black Lips play Whirlyball at this place that does shows as well; Growing opened. Growing are like this very heavy but pretty drone band…a lot of samples and loops and stuff… And…Whirlyball? Oh! (laughs) Whirlyball! It’s like bumper cars and
lacrosse combined! It’s really surreal; you kind of have to see it. Your first record was completely independently released; your new one is on Kranky.*** How did that transition happen? Wow! Our first record, there was virtually no interest in it other than our friends. You’re right, it was on a very small label and there was no attention paid to it. The world of indie rock is so silly, it takes one person or publication to pick up on you to give you the “a-okay”. Like “Alright, this band is cool to like,” and then suddenly there’s interest! There were a few college radio stations that played our first record, but I honestly think our first album fell in along with a bunch of other albums that sounded the same. But thanks to the band Growing, who I mentioned before—they suggested we send our record to Kranky. They were so responsive and really easy to get to know and like. I couldn’t be happier. Your MySpace page describes you as “melodramatic popular song.” What exactly is that genre? (Laughs) That description was actually in the pull-down menu! I mean, “melodramatic popular song” sounds like something we do! You also put this testimonial on your page: “Tonight I saw your group in Nashville. Please, STOP MAKING (what might be conceived [sic] as) MUSIC! You have no melodies, there was no songwriting skills involved, lack of chord structures, AND your songs are pathetically too long. It’s an embarassment [sic] you opened for the yeahyeahyeahs. I turned my back to your group after 2 songs...and I remainded [sic] that way until your wannabe art student asses left. I would tell everyone I know not to see you... but it looks as if your front man is about to die. Seriously, get that half-ass man some help.” Why the self-hate?
Oh I just think those kind of reviews are funny! I mean, we get lots of nice reviews on MySpace as well, but they’re nowhere near as funny or entertaining as the hate-filled ones! That one you just read I think is a pretty apt description of us! I mean, our songs are pathetically too long, and I found it interesting that someone who hates our music so much came up with such a perfect definition of us. I think people that post those kind of reviews just want attention. If I’m at a show and I don’t like the band, I’ll go grab a cigarette or leave. I won’t intently watch them for an hour and go home and write a review of how shitty the show was. So Deerhunter gets a reaction either way, be it positive or negative? Yeah, it’s pretty polarized. The thing I’m most proud of this band is we aren’t mediocre. I don’t consider us too “out there” or whatever, but I do think we don’t write mediocre music. That’s my biggest fear. Are there any similarities between the members of Deerhunter and the cast of the movie The Deer Hunter? Oh, I’d be the one that went nuts. Freak out, shave my head, get a tattoo… *Chunklet is one of the funniest, satirical music magazines on the indie zine scene. It is published by Henry Owings, a sardonic, witty, hirsute gentleman who will tear bands a new one if they remotely fall into his “suck” radar. ** According to Wikipedia, Whirlyball is a team sport that combines elements of basketball and jai alai. The players ride in “Whirlybugs,” small electric vehicles similar to bumper cars. How much fun does that sound? *** Kranky is an incredible label from Chicago that handles musical oddities such as Stars of the Lid, Loscil, and Godspeed You! Black Emperor.
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ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC
THe MagiCAl, BEAutiful Spirit of… GRIZZLY BEAR
Words Natalie Vermeer Photography Patryce Bak
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When I met up with New York band Grizzly Bear before their recent Seattle show, I didn’t expect it to be so classy and spiritual. First there was a serving of white wine. Singer/guitarist Ed Droste declared, “The plastic cup with ice and wine: Good for the glossy magazine. We’re living the glossy lifestyle here.” This was followed by an explanation of how the band got started. Droste begins, “I took like this guitar lesson…” Singer/guitarist Daniel Rossen butts in, “Somewhere around three years ago, he just kind of started exuding beauty in mysterious ways. All of a sudden there was a microphone in front of him! And it was just like, there’s music here!” Droste tries to continue,“It was in my system—I had to let it free!” Again Rossen interjects,“He was like,‘I have to do this! I have to let this go!’” adding “And after that, it was there… that’s why there was so much atmospheric noise, it just came out!” I thought Droste created the first album basically on his own but I was mistaken. I also thought it had been inspired by a breakup. “Oh kind of,” Droste casually replies, “I was kind of depressed, yeah. Bored and depressed. Made the first album, I guess.” But then the beauty took over… just in time for their latest record, Yellow House, which was released this past September on Warp. “He’s made it beauty!” declares bassist/woodwinds/electronics stylist Chris Taylor, wandering into the room looking fashion-blog worthy stylish with a woodsman casual ensemble, complete with a shell casing necklace. “No,” replies Droste,
“[Taylor has] made it beauty! Look at that gun shell filled with turquoise around his neck. If that’s not some beauty, I don’t know what is! With a hunter’s hat on! Elmer Fudd beauty over there!” I wondered how all of the beauty collected itself together to present Grizzly Bear to the urban public. “Well,” offers Taylor, “[Drummer/Vocalist Christopher] and I first met at jazz camp. It’s pretty fucking awesome! But he was in the cooler group. I was in the shittier group... and it gave me a complex!” “All three of us were kind of nerds,” admits Rossen. “Not me!” interjects Droste. “Not him,” allows Rossen. “No, I was a dork,” Droste confesses,“but I didn’t do much music. Not the TV station!” Taylor helped Droste finish the first Grizzly Bear album and then introduced him to his school friends who ended up making up the band; a band that happens to have an animal name. “It’s just kind of random that it happened,” Droste explains,“When I named it originally, it was kind of a reference to a nickname of an ex. I didn’t know a lot of animal band names and I thought it was funny as a name for just me by myself, and so now that it’s a band, and there’s more animal band names, it’s kinda like ‘Ahh!’ But it’s fine. It is what it is. It’s there for life! We’re an animal band! We just have to come to terms with it. Accept it!” “At least it’s a sort of simple, sturdy name,” offers Rossen, “It’s a universal animal. It’s vague enough.”
“And it’s just the animal!” defends Droste, “It’s not the animal doing something, like parading!” “Bear on parade!” clarifies Rossen. “Well there [are] a few parade bands—Mice Parade, Wolf Parade…” says Droste. “We’re not adding or subtracting—mathematical bear! Grizzly Bear will hopefully be writing more psychedelic lullabies soon—as soon as they’re home longer than a couple weeks after going back and forth to Europe for shows. “We keep wanting to [write] but it’s so busy,” reflects Droste. “Never! It’s over! This is it!” Rossen declares, “[Well], we’re going to try! Hopefully this summer and fall we’ll have some time off to actually rehearse as a band.” “I hope so, if I can summon up my spirits,” Droste overdramatically sighs with a smirk, “I just don’t know how quick it will be.” And while we wait for our next Grizzly Bear sighting in the Northwest—which, ironically, will be at the Sasquatch Festival in May—we should prepare for other possible grizzly bear encounters! But what is one to do, exactly, should he or she come across a grizzly bear? “Uh… I don’t know… freeze!” suggests Droste, “That’s what I would do. I think I would freeze. Or if I was near a tree, I would climb the tree. But wait, can’t they climb trees?” “We should do more research,” adds Rossen.
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Photography by Mark Maryanovich Illustrations by Mike Shantz
FAKE SHARK, REAL ZOMBIE If a band can name themselves after a particularly hilarious scene in a B-grade Italian horror flick, they have to be doing something right. If a band can get kicked out of one high profile show in London only to be asked back for a series of shows in some of the UK’s hippest joints, they have to be doing something right. If a band can sound like ten different bands but still sound like no other, they have to be doing something right. If a band can hype an album in Japan long before it gets props in their hometown, they have to be doing something right. That band is Fake Shark Real Zombie and the album is Zebra! Zebra! Kevvy Mental, Louis-Wu, Fucking Malcolm and new addition, Parker Bossley have created something that only a few locals have had the chance to hear, but when the album drops on these shores sometime later this summer, the buzz will be loud and clear. myspace.com/fakesharkrealzombie
ART
brent oliver
FASHION
FILM
MUSIC
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40
POSTER ART
Brent Oliver is a tireless promoter of Edmonton’s bustling nightlife. When he got tired of waiting on people to make posters for his shows, he took it upon himself to do it. Armed with nearly two decades of talent buying experience and eight years of what he calls “sparse-ish, with a touch of bacon fat” poster design, who better to illustrate for the bands that he brings to the city than the guy who loves his hockey just as much as the music. Either way, there’s no denying that if you see a poster on a pole the next time you’re in Edmonton, it could very well have the mark of a man dedicated to keeping the DIY philosophy alive and kicking, even if the Oilers are dead and buried. Sorry, Brent. www.brentoliver.com
ION MAGAZINE 41
ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 42
GAaME aa Gigantic Music
S/T THE BOOK OF LISTS SCRATCH
lon gisland beirut ba da bing
“Big A Little a” are totally rad. Think
Syd Barrett is alive and well. He didn’t
When I first heard Beirut’s debut,
the Liars or Animal Collective if they
die of pancreatic cancer in 2006 but
had used their creative licenses a bit
arriving at night victor bermon hefty
blue shift emissions christ. benbecular
Gulag Orkestar, I was in a crowded
The press release kinda boned this
Christ. (short for Christopher) hasn’t
had secretly recorded eight songs
van, traveling along the coast of BC.
one for me. There, Perth’s Victor
been sued by Boards Of Canada for
more. When played loud enough, the
with the remaining members of the
Upon the first few notes of the open-
Berman is touted as the saviour of
stealing their vibe, it’s because he
spazzy party sounds of this Brooklyn
Pixies behind Frank Black’s back. Okay,
ing track, that van became a caravan,
the rave chill room, to be placed be-
was an early member of the Scottish
group make you feel as though you
he didn’t, but The Book of Lists have
the highway became an archaic
tween Eno and AFX in the electronic
ambient group. He helped pioneer
are right there at one of their New York
channelled all of their musical influ-
desert, and my fellow passengers and
spectrum. Is he? Should he be? The
the sound that has since become the
underground shows. And you wouldn’t
ences into a creative and sometimes
I became Eastern European gypsies
obvious answer is no, and putting
living definition of atmospheric down-
come out alive—or at least leave
quirky self-titled EP. There is a lot more
with tattered rags and stolen jewels.
those expectations on him isn’t fair to
tempo. This glorious seed of creation
tattered and satisfyingly confused.
to this band than meets the prover-
I wish I could say that Lon Gisland
Bermon or us. Though far from classic,
is all over Blue Shift Emissions, his
Even if the DIY bandwagon has got-
bial eye, or ear for this matter. Their
provoked the same reaction. If only.
the Australian knob-twiddler’s full-
long awaited, long delayed follow-up
ten a little full lately, it hardly matters
rhythm section provides all the crunch
On Beirut’s highly anticipated second
length debut is certainly not without
to 2003’s Metamorphic Reproduction
for these guys. The songs sound like
needed for each bite while singer,
release, some of the mystique is lost.
its own charm. His wash of plucked
Miracle. He sure doesn’t plant any
they have already started a celebra-
Frey, delivers in a manner evoking
The instrumentation (accordion, trum-
strings, floating acoustic guitar melo-
new seeds here, like his upbeat
tory traveling caravan of their own
the late Barrett without offending the
pet, piano and ukulele, among oth-
dies, digital feedback ambiance, and
Minerals Series dance track “Ache/
with whistles, bass-heavy drums and
ears of the old and the oblivious alike.
ers) remains essentially unchanged.
warm kick drum bass is on technical
Eat” hinted at, but those planted four
incomprehensible chants. Throw in
Ranging from radio-friendly poppy
However, the arrangements produce
par with likeminded efforts from Four
years ago have been well looked after.
some 80s no-wave and you have Aa.
songs to the epically hypnotic, this al-
clean, poppy carnival tunes with few
Tet and Benbecula Records, though
This album contains 100% ethereal,
Perfect for any dirty club kid. If this
bum is full of droning bass lines, shuf-
epic voyage soundtrack moments. But
not quite as moving. However, every
otherworldly ambiance and lethargic
is the latest thing to grab peoples’
fled beats, and other sonic ear-pop-
comparisons aside, band mastermind
hatefully folktronic track here is quite
bass, cleaned—up but not really im-
attention, then maybe there is hope
ping goodies to have you going back
Zach Condon is still concocting a
similar and won’t challenge anyone
proved upon. Luckily, he was already
for us yet.
for more. Newbie bands are often un-
richly different sound. And that sound
to reclaim the chill room from the
a legend so there really wasn’t much
★★★✩✩
fairly compared to their predecessors:
places him as an unlikely influence
vodka and Red Bull crowd. Those guys
to improve on anyway. He could make
The Dears to Morrissey; Interpol to Joy
and an unorthodox instrument above
need a little more in-yer-face variety
this album till the end of time and I’d
Division; Wolfmother to Zeppelin, so
and away from every other artist who
to distract them from their natural lip
still line up to buy it; it’s that moving.
here’s another for your List.
strives to be unique.
chewing tendencies. There is a dif-
As poignant as chill has ever been or
ference between background music
ever will be.
–Patricia Matos
★★★★✩
–Mariz Manansala
★★★✩✩
–Sasha Langford
If you’re wondering why Edinburgh’s
and chill. Filmore Mescalito ★★★★★ ★★★✩✩ Holmes
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
beyond dinosaur jr. Fat Possum
yours to keep albert hammond, jr. red ink
heros hug kompakt one of many aliases—has released
Yoko Ono has been an onion in the
and greens of our city of Vancouver
More melody and less inebriation:
some 70 odd records in the last
industry for nearly four decades. Her
It’s always nice when music reminds
with shoegazing epics that invoke the
those are the thoughts that come to
four years. Your guess is as good as
music has often been a stylized ver-
you of that life-changing 80s film
tiny elves of my face to pull my mouth
mind during the first twinkling notes
mine whether that brisk output is a
sion of the emperor’s new clothes
you’d never admit to liking—or own-
into a grin so high that street-walk-
of Albert Hammond, Jr.’s new album,
result of crack use, him merely being
fable. None can call b.s. on the for-
ing for that matter. Writer’s Block is a
ers veer far off course just to avoid
Yours To Keep. He lets you breathe
a virile 21 year old, or both. In the
ever-reigning queen of popular music
less cheesy exception to the vintage
my near psychopathic projections.
with a sigh of relief—this isn’t going
last few months alone, he’s released
and culture itself. This remix album is
optimism that is carried through some
Expectedly, these playlists include
to be an album of Strokes leftovers.
three singles, three EPs, and Heroes,
more of a cover record with her high-
of the past’s best pop songs. The
The Lilys, Amusement Parks on Fire
Last year Hammond successfully
his latest album for the dependable
ness’ voice stretched or condensed
Stockholm trio captures the essence
and anything touched by the hand
toured the material from this album
Kompakt. At first listen, this is a solid
over the trademarks of the artists in-
of our 60s nostalgia in a completely
of Kevin Shields. The odd addition,
in the UK, making certain that even
minimal techno full-length with sev-
volved. Like most remix/tribute albums
uncontrived way. It’s practically a
but possibly the most necessary,
if North America doesn’t embrace
eral cheesy bleep layers in each track
there are peaks and valleys. Worth the
guarantee that once a person listens
has always been J Mascis. Recently
his solo debut, he still has a place to
over the genre’s typical steady beats.
price of the entire record is a return
to the simple electro-pop sound
J buried his hatchets with original
go. But surely that won’t be the case.
However, in light of his impressive
to form from Spiritualized. Taking a
of this album, Writer’s Block will
band mates Lou Barlow (of Sebadoh
There is an immediate relaxed sense
release schedule, maybe a little more
release with a multitude of techno
be a summer staple in their music
and Folk Implosion fame) and Murph.
on Yours To Keep that lends itself to a
time in the lab would’ve done this
remixes available already,“Walking
collection. With songs like the inno-
Originally a hardcore act by the title
maturity seldom captured by his previ-
album well. For example,“Sub” has
on Thin Ice” becomes maybe the
cently sweet duet “Young Folks” (with
Every Spring I soundtrack the pinks
John Dahlbäck—for whom Hug is but
yes, i’m a witch yoko ono astralwerks
writer’s block Peter Bjorn And John sony
Deep Wound, our trident of fore-
ous band. In fact, I would go on the
mad saw blade synth bass, but Mr.
most beautiful song done by either
Victoria Bergsman of the Concretes)
thought realized hardcore was a dead
record to say that perhaps Hammond
Oizo already beat that path several
the remixer or remixee. Quiet to loud,
and the lo-fi “Start to Melt,” it would
and irrelevant medium and found a
was the heavier hand in writing the
years ago with far greater character.
the piece accentuates a quivering
be heartless to quickly file the album
meeting point in the function and
Strokes’ music. His signature guitar
Perhaps, if Dahlbäck had stayed with
vocal that goes nearly unnoticed in
away. Sometimes the Swedes can do
melody of the New Order variety. Then
playing is there, but so are acoustic
it for a good while, he may have
the original, and adds a full feedback
no wrong.
they split. Now they’re back together.
guitars, handclaps and a stripped-
made something on a higher level.
accompaniment worthy of tears. On
The outcome and output is a brand
down sense of self.
As is, he’ll have to deal with releasing
the flip side, it’s about time for Le Tigre
★★★★✩
comparatively adequate material at a
to realize how irrelevant their brand
pace you could set your watch to.
of proto femi-nazi tech-laziness has
new record that plays as a lost singles
★★★★✩
–Patricia Matos
album, and it may just be the premier gem in the Dinosaur Jr. discography. The best thing to ever come out of
become and that their act is turning Filmore Mescalito ★★★✩✩ Holmes
into an ovulating en masse Lilith Fair folk reject.
hardcore. Just perfect.
★★✩✩✩ ★★★★★
–Trevor Risk
–Trevor Risk
ION MAGAZINE
collection. There isn’t one drop on this
–Patricia Matos
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ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS
hamburguru vic ruggiero scan in the world japan
time scratch massive kompakt
Mix one part Bob Dylan, one part
second album as Scratch Massive is
Eddie Cochran, one part Robert
being promised as the dark electro
Johnson, two parts eccentric New
success where other electro fusions
York scenester, and you’ve got
have failed. After hearing the glitch-
yourself one hell of a good time. Vic
rock masterpiece “Shining in My Vein”
Ruggiero made a name for himself
in the context of so many love pained
as lead singer and keyboardist for The
mechanical vocals, creepy synths
Slackers and a couple of years ago
and chugging basslines, it’s pretty
he started recording songs the way he
hard not to agree. Scratch that; you’d
heard them in his head. These are the
have to have a mental disability not
unabridged, untouched and untainted
to love this with every gyrating, sexu-
versions of songs he has previously
ally charged fibre of your being. This
recorded with The Slackers, as well
is electro for people who hate people
as many new ones that sound best
who like electro (but less convoluted
played solo, which is what he’s aiming
in the execution), while their gut-
for here. He’s literally a one-man band.
tural guitar work—which includes a
On his newest album Hamburguru,
cover of the Cure’s “Three Imaginary
he plays guitar while stomping on the
Boys”—will win over the rest of you.
kick drum, blowing into his harmonica
Mark my words, you shall be won.
Maud Geffray and Sébastien Chenut’s
and singing in his gravely drawl. “Don’t Wanna” is a lazy tune with a bluesy rhythm, heavy harmonica and an offbeat guitar strum.“New Jersey Story” has a ragtime swinging gypsy
ION MAGAZINE 44
feel to it with a hurried beat. This album is a must have if you’re running an underground speakeasy or even if you simply want to catch a glimpse of old-world New York.
★★★★★
–Adam Menceles
★★★★✩
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
DRESSED UP FOR THE LET DOWN RICHARD SWIFT SECRETLY CANADIAN In those bleak times of emotional bankruptcy, it’s always reassuring to know that some other sad sack is also being followed around by a lingering black cloud. American singer-songwriter Richard Swift has witnessed his fair share of dark days, to be sure. Like a less flamboyant Rufus Wainwright, and less of a pushover than the late Elliott Smith, Swift spins soulful yarns of love gone amiss and his failed forays into superstardom, all glossed over with some sweet, sweet malaise. But it’s never really a downer since Swift knows how to purloin that silver lining while still keeping misery at arm’s reach. This life-gives-you-lemons attitude could be a result of his brief stint playing keys with vaguely
3615 TTC TTC BIG DADA TTC make extended ringtone-sounding music for people who like to blast their mp3 phones on the back of the bus. What’s even better is that it’s all in French. Real French. Which make their lyrics blissfully incoherent; sort of like trying to get directions from a kid chewing grape flavoured bubble gum during a four-float clown parade. The six-man group, infamous for their twisted electronic sound in their native France, bring a fun, acidy flavour to the world of pop-rap. Their most recent albums include the likes of Nelly and Mase. But this is way more fun, refreshing, bursting with tropical fruit flavours and colours and will make you want to move. If you don’t dance to this you’re probably not human.
★★★★★
–Mariz Manansala
JOHNNY GREENWOOD IS THE CONTROLLER VARIOUS ARTISTS TROJAN I’m docking a point from this record right off the top based solely on its concept: Radiohead guitarist is asked by the venerable Trojan Records to curate a compilation of his favourite dub/reggae tracks. Big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but give me a few hours with the All Music Guide and SoulSeek and I could probably come up with something equally as impressive. In this day and age of online crate-digging, the need for this type of release is sketchy at best—and it’s not like these are “The Songs that influenced Radiohead” or anything like that (or maybe they are, what the hell do I know?). Still, based on content alone this is a qual-
Christian synth-poppers Starflyer 59.
ity set of selections for any Winter
Or maybe it’s just a wise way of mak-
Bluesenstein craving the breezy Island
ing music: no one wants you to be on
Sound: Scientist, Lee “Scratch” Perry,
the side that’s winning, but we don’t
Desmond Dekker (RIP, jah bless) and
want you moaning in the gutter, either.
a cast of other known and unknown artists represent. But if you ask me,
★★★★✩
–Adam Simpkins
you’d probably have more fun being your own Selecta.
★★★★✩
–Adam Simpkins
american art weatherbox doghouse
bbb zoobombs octave
College rock radio stations will rejoice
and to get down to the rocking and
in Weatherbox’s post-grunge rock
rolling sound? Yes? All right! Take out
Are you ready for good time music
shlock sound on this full-length debut.
your boom boxes, put on your sweati-
The San Diego based group, and self-
est clothes and turn up the sound of
described “crunchy nugs” have an
Japan. Chock full of ripping guitars
amateurness about their music that
and voices loud as thunder. The
evokes, at best, the first Limblifter re-
Zoobombs have formulated a crazy
cord without the charm. There’s barely
Nipponese sound emanating straight
a blip worth holding on to here, except
from the garages of Tokyo. BBB is a
for maybe their attempt at a hap-
mish-mash of tunes that get their in-
less power-acoustic ballad midway
fluence from Hard Rock, Garage, JPop
through the record that mysteriously
and the odd hip-hoppy beat.“The
has no title. How original.
Good Good Future” is a song about looking forward without abandon,
★★✩✩✩
–Mariz Manansala
and sounds similar to a trance-like dance-rock party.“Star Child” is more JPoppy and ethereal, but still has the kick they were striving for. With only the odd English word involved. The Zoobombs’ BBB is a truly authentic representation of what’s really cool in Japan right now.
★★★★★
–Adam Menceles
ION MAGAZINE 45
HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE
“I’m a musician.” I said to the doctor, an attractive female in her mid-40s.“This is the thing. I’m going on tour with my band, we’re going to do the interior and then go into Alberta for a few dates. We don’t get paid much for these shows, but money isn’t the reason I picked up a guitar in the first place, if you know what I mean.” (Awkward silence) “What I’m trying to say is, being a musician I get to have promiscuous sex, and I don’t want to get anyone pregnant you know. I get drunk at these shows, and when I end up with a groupie, I try to wear a condom but, invariably, I end up taking it off because… well…you know… sometimes it’s hard to keep it hard.” The courting ritual has been related to drunkenness as long as alcohol and females have been available in tandem. That is not to say that all relationships between men and women are born from intoxication. That is not the case. However, one should recognize that drunk people act impulsively, and impulsive people are more likely to have promiscuous sex. If one chooses to engage in this type of drunken philandering, he must use caution because using booze as a social lubricant can be a doubleedged sword. For instance, if a drunkard is lucky enough to find a girl interested in having anonymous recreational sex, only later to be foiled by flaccidity, it becomes clear that whiskey-dick can screw a man over like no woman ever could. There is something that happens to a man when he gets too drunk and can’t perform properly; something basic and primal is ripped from his soul. He becomes detached from the situation while it is happening, as if he is a third party forced to watch his own misery play out before him. As an animal he becomes deficient, incapable of the most instinctual of tasks: reproduction. The fundamental worthlessness of his sexual inability weighs heavy like the fate of a dying bloodline. Emasculated is a synonym for flaccid on thesaurus.com for a reason. But there is a silver lining. Through medical science we now have the ability to prevent a man
Models Hamza Adam and Lauren Hammersley
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS 46
Limpin’ Ain’t Easy Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang
from going though the psychological trauma associated with being sexually limp. Unfortunately, if one is to walk into a doctor’s office and scream, “I would like some pills because I can’t keep it up when I’m drunk,” the doctor will likely give you nothing more than a stern lecture. So we are forced to lie. I drink a lot of whiskey, but I am no musician. Alcohol induced impotence is only one corner of a much greater social issue here though. Everyone wants to wear a condom when they participate in promiscuous sex because we all know that it is the right thing to do. The problem is
that most promiscuous sex occurs when people are drunk. When people are drunk their judgment is impaired and as a result they make bad decisions. Also, when people are drunk they have a hard time walking a straight line, much less stand at attention, so they are less likely to use a condom. If dick pills were more readily available, drunk people would have less unprotected sex. If drunk people had less unprotected sex, it is safe to speculate that we would see a decrease in unwed teenage mothers and sexually transmitted diseases. So think of the future, it’s good for everyone if it is easy to keep it hard.
HOROSCOPES Words Sean Devlin
You will receive three social invites. One to talk, from a friend. Talk. Friends are good. One to dance, from a stranger. Dance. You should meet new people. And one to keep your eyes closed for 5 more minutes, from a singing, rainbow-coloured FuffaRabbit. Wake up, you’re sleeping in. –Aries March 21-April 20
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
You’re reading me because you want to know what April holds for you. Well, there’s gonna be a lot of happy moments and a few sad ones. There will also be several confusing moments. Finally, you will spend all your feathers buying hamburgers at the grandpa store, sexy bathtub.
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
You will earnestly concern yourself with making others happy. You will learn that goodness is the only investment that never fails. Also, you will realize that you’ve got too many lights on right now. You will turn some of them off.
Cancer
June 22-July 22
You’ve excused yourself for your habitual procrastination by accepting it as part of your(self). You say,“I just work best under pressure.” The truth is, you’ve never worked any other way. But you will soon and the results will be promising. July 23-Aug 22
Long shifts at work have lead you to conclude that you hate people. But what you really hate is customers. Next time a customer is rude to you, scream the following, “Hey man! We’re just two people here! Can’t
VIRGO
Aug 23-Sept 23
You’re supposed to be doing something else right now.
LIBRA
Sept 24-Oct 23
Your fear of being attacked by crows will become too much to bear. You will purchase one of those lifelike fake owls that keep birds away. You will wear it around your neck, until you realize there are scarier things in life than being attacked by crows. Namely, being attacked by horny owls.
SCORPIO
Oct 24-Nov 22
Your friends will invite you to a party. It will actually be an intervention. They will sit you down and ask you to stop saying,“Let’s roll!” every time you get on the bus.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 While drunk you will make three bad decisions. The first, to send the following text message to an ex, “I don’t miss you. oooKKAAY? Call
me sometime.” The second, to sell all your underwear on the internet. The third, to waive the asking price so long as the purchaser promises to be your best friend.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 In an attempt to break out of old patterns you will try something new. After careful consideration you will decide on long track speed skating. You will train day and night until 2010. You will win the Gold! But, during the medal ceremony it will be snatched by a mob of angry homeless people. They will melt it down and use it to buy 397 lbs of sliced bologna. But not to worry, they’ll gladly share it with you.
AQUARIUS
Sean Devlin is a comedian, filmmaker and co-creator/co-star of The Living Room www.lvroom.com
Jan 21-Feb 19
Someone you made plans with in the past will be impatiently waiting in your future. What I’m saying is, you will be late for something.
PISCES
Feb 20-March 20
This is your horoscope for April 2017: You will be excited because your Screw-Bot will finally arrive in the tech-mail. You will be disappointed to find that the Screw-Bot is a robot with an extensive knowledge of different screws and their corresponding screwdrivers.
ION MAGAZINE
Leo
you see that? Or are you fiending for this coffee so bad you’ve lost sight of humanity?!” This may seem strange. Especially if you don’t work at a coffee shop or the customer is a woman. But scream it anyway.Your manager will probably give you the rest of the day off.
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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
HOROSCOPES
COMICS
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