ION Magazine Issue 38 Featuring Fake Shark! Real Zombie!

FOUR YEAR ANNIVERSArY GRIZZLY BEAR DAVE TRAUTRIMAS DEERHUNTER

TM/MC Companhia de Bebidas das Americas – Ambev

Available at: Heavens Playground—Vancouver Nacional—Vancouver Sand—Vancouver Whitebird—Victoria Coloublind—Edmonton Paradox—Edmonton Underground—Edmonton & Calgary Gorgeous Girls—St Albert Ultimo—Saskatoon The Urban Boutique—Winnipeg Denim 101—Toronto Eight—Toronto Got Style—Toronto JCY House—Toronto Pur Denim—Toronto Showroom—Toronto Vixon—Toronto Yoka—Toronto Unicus—Mississauga & Burlington Gary Waters—St Catharines Eleventh Hour—Kitchener R-Evolution—Quebec Simons—Montreal & Quebec Kaual—Montreal TJ Steele—Montreal X5—Montreal La Plateform—Drummondville Duggers—Hailfax www.g-sus.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS 12

13 14

46 47

48

p.20

Editor’s Letter We open up the mailbag and finally answer all those burning questions you had about ION. ION the Prize Of the Month Movies about censorship and Bush getting shot, a game where you get to kill terrorists and a cat with no ears Tales of Ordinary Madness Limping Ain’t Easy.

Horoscopes Sean Devlin has been granted the gift to see your future. As al ways, it’s looking kind of grim.

The Perry Bible Fellowship

ART

p.24

18 Etsy.com It has nothing to do with Goatse so it’s safe to go there.

20 Dave Trautrimas If Junkyard Wars had an episode where competitors had to make a work of art, this guy would probably win.

FASHION 24 Midnight Movies Fashion editorial shot by David Fierro.

MUSIC 32

34 36 40

42

p.34

p.36

Deerhunter A three-hour examination of how the Vietnam War affects small town America or a psych band from Georgia? You’ll have to read to find out.

Grizzly Bear Number one on Colbert’s threatdown and your iPod playlist.

Fake Shark Real Zombie Huge in Japan. Relatively unknown everywhere else.

Poster Art: Brent Oliver Now that Ryan Smyth and playoffs hopes have left Edmonton, Brent Oliver is here to decorate all the telephone poles with posters that have the power to raise an entire city’s collective self-esteem.

Reviews

Volume 5 Number 3 Issue 38 Publisher

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Arts & Culture Editor Jennifer Selk jen@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Acting Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Bryce Dunn bryce@ionmagazine.ca Copy Editors Agata Zurek, Ania Mafi Editorial Interns Mariz Manansala, Patricia Matos Photo Editor Art Director Associate Art Director Design Assistant

Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Erin Ashenhurst erin@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca

Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Contributing Writers: Degan Beley, Sean Devlin, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sam Kerr, Sasha Langford, Mariz Manansala, Patricia Matos, Luke Meat, Adam Menceles, Trevor Risk, Adam Simpkins, Natalie Vermeer Contributing Photographers & Illustrators: Toby Marie Bannister, Trevor Brady, David Fierro, Nicholas Gurewitch, Kris Krug, Jason Lang, Harry Ma, Mark Maryanovich, Clint McLean, Mike Shantz ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2006 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High- resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Clothing, liquor, iPhones, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and a Wii can be sent to the address below. We’re serious about the Wii. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Photography: Mark Maryanovich Model: Kevvy Mental from Fake Shark Real Zombie

EDITOR’S LETTER

FOUR MORE YEARS Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

ION THE PRIZE

After four years of printing, we’ve accumulated a lot of mail. So it’s time to bust open the mailbag and address all those burning questions and comments you’ve made over the years. Sorry it took us so long to get back to you.

You guys rule!

Ah thanks, but truth be told there are more girls who work here than guys.

OF THE MONTH

I hate your magazine and I hope you die! By the way, are you looking for writers or photographers?

Yes, we are always looking for talented writers and photographers but I’d suggest you work on your pitch.

I saw one of your writers at a nightclub and he was dressed like a slob. I thought you guys were a fashion magazine.

Yes, some of our writers are slobs. I’m probably the worst offender. But we like to think of ourselves as more than a fashion magazine so it’s okay.

Can I be a model in your magazine?

Yes. Don’t even bother sending pictures either. We have a habit of randomly selecting people who email us to model in photoshoots.

Why haven’t you responded to my MySpace message?

Sorry about that. The ION MySpace account became self-aware about a year ago and made a conscious decision to ignore messages. It still wants friends though and will periodically tell you about parties and calls for submissions. www. myspace.com/ionmagazine

ION MAGAZINE 12

Your magazine would be a lot better if you wrote about my friend’s band.

You could be right. Get your friend’s band to send us a CD. Okay, my friend’s band sent you a CD and you didn’t write about them. What gives?

Unfortunately, due to the large volume of CDs we

receive, we are unable to write about everything that gets sent to the office. That’s our polite way of saying your friend’s band sucks.

Is Sam Kerr real?

Yes, flip to page 46 if you want to see what he looks like.

Your pet of the month is usually a cat. Do you hate dogs?

We don’t have a liberal feline bias. We just get a lot of cat photos. I’ve thought about why we don’t get more pictures of dogs. My theory is that because you can’t take a cat for a walk (unless you’re insane) cat owners compensate by taking a lot of photos of their cats. We have been known to receive photos of dogs on occasion though.

The last one we got featured a guy feeding live rats to his pet dog but we decided not to print it.

I hate the horoscopes because they’re not astrologically correct.

People take horoscopes seriously?

I’m really passionate about meat. Can I write an article about a butcher shop?

Yes, but we probably won’t print it.

That last question seems a little outlandish.

Did someone really ask that?

Yes. The magazine is free. How do you stay in business?

Well the publisher won the lottery a few years back and vowed to dedicate her life to charity.

The only thing I read in the magazine are the horoscopes The horoscopes are great. We’re looking for funny people to write them every month. If you think you’re up for it, toss me an email.

I can’t find your magazine anywhere.

Our full distro list is on the website. I’d suggest getting in touch with the person who only reads the magazine for the horoscopes. They can have that page and the rest can be yours. Alternatively, you can subscribe.

Is it true you’ll only been around for another four years because of malfunctioning voting booths in Ohio?

I’m not saying there was anything wrong with the voting booths in Ohio. But if there were problems, any irregularities would have hurt the competition as well. Also, where is Ohio?

Photography Trevor Brady

ION MAGAZINE

For the prize this month we’re giving away an assortment of women’s clothing from Industry. Just three years young, Industry have been creating clothing for both men and women by taking inspiration from the fashion forward citizens of their home base, Montreal. Working with a philosophy as defiant as “Who says you can’t?” Industry manages to mix casual street wear with low maintenance elegance, minus any of the pretense.

To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click contests.

Model Tawny Jett Models Makeup Dana Mooney Styling Jessica Smith

INDUSTRY

13

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14

DVD Manufactured Landscapes

DVD DVD THIS FILM IS NOT YET DEATH OF A RATED PRESIDENT

Any North American who’s ever complained about how their city is turning into an industrial park can stop now. Canadian photographer Edward Burtynsky, armed with a fancy large-scale 4 x 5 camera, and director Jennifer Baichwal, show what has been allowed to happen to Earth’s once impressive land at the hands of industry. In China, capital gain, slave-like work conditions and rundown villages give way to startling contradictions between landscapes past and present. Scenes of young nightclubbers and bustling cities are still kind of depressing though, even with the requisite elements of kitsch and Americana thrown in. But Burtynsky just aims to showcase the beauty he feels permeates in places overrun by scrap yards and mission statements: the people are real, and they are more than simply cogs in a machine.

Chances are, you probably don’t pay attention to the MPAA rating systems. But for a filmmaker, having a film slapped with either an “R” or an “NC-17” rating usually means the difference between having some people see your film and pretty much getting no distribution at all. Director Kirby Dick attempts to uncover the faces of the totally anonymous members of the MPAA, who have almost mathematically determined a system that arbitrarily categorizes films according to the nudity to expletive to violence ratio. Then for fun, Dick hires private investigators to stalk and take pictures of the anonymous members of the MPAA, then submits the film to the MPAA to be rated.

The most talked about movie of 2006 that you never saw is now on DVD. Death of a President has a brilliantly simple premise: what would happen if someone assassinated George Bush Jr? Gabriel Range’s faux-documentary got denied adequate distribution in the US and was publicly condemned by the current administration as well as Hilary Clinton. You can have a really good time reading online criticisms by people who haven’t seen the film that are accusing the director of committing a criminal act. Aside from hysteria surrounding Death of a President, the best part about this movie is it gets more relevant as time passes.

Don’t believe us? Watch the movie then turn on the news.

GAME Graw 2

STORE PARASUCO

Pedro Almodóvar is a clever one. Every time a situation arises in which horrible events are made somewhat justifiable, a twist is added, only fucking up everything previously put into place. Raimunda (Penélope Cruz) is a fiery Spanish woman with a dark past, and a future that’s never fully explained.

Her mother, who is assumed dead, returns to ask forgiveness of her daughter and to help fix some pretty messed up lives. A captivating story, typical of Almodóvar’s atypical writing, the roots of this family’s secrets go much further than most. And perhaps that’s a good thing when murder, incest and surreally creepy sisterhood are involved.

Ever since I was small, I have prided myself on being a horrible coward. I would never join a baseball team that wasn’t stacked, kill an animal that could fight back or have sex with a girl that I could not emotionally devastate. Ghost Recon Advanced Warfighter 2 (GRAW2) has been developed with myself in mind, as it lets you leverage the power of the most advanced American Army weaponry versus a bunch of Mexican Freedom Fighters. Laugh as your Blackhawk Chopper strafes a convoy of late model Chevy trucks hauling nuclear weapons.

Whoop for joy as your in-helmet camera lets you shoot “terrorists” around corners without exposing yourself. Snicker to your friends when you scout out an entire level with a reconnisance helicopter, only to rain death down on the hopes and dreams of Middle American economic freedom without moving.

For more than 30 years, Parasuco has been reinventing the jean and marketing it in the most highly sexualized ways imaginable. Their clothes, which have adorned the bums of such celebs as Jessica Alba and Kate Hudson to name a couple, have finally made their way over to Vancouver; a natural selection to add to their locations which already include New York and Toronto. The Montreal brand, which has expanded to carry in house brands such as CULT and Mademoiselle, are continually growing to elevate themselves from casual to hot.

The Parasuco store is located at 630 Granville.

Photograph by Kris Krug

ION MAGAZINE

DVD VOLVER

15

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

Contributor MIKE SHANTZ

Contributor Leslie Ma

PET AUDREY

Every time you see a weird illustation in ION, it’s probably Mike Shantz’s doing. Mr. Shantz is from Salmon Arm and plans to stick around in Vancouver until he’s rich. When he isn’t drawing, he fronts a deathmetal band, is in a horror-hop group and created the Nacho Bear (if you’re curious what a Nacho Bear is, it’s a bear that eats nachos). He also helped stage a walk out at his former retail job to protest his unfair treatment by the females who worked at the store. Witnesses describe the spectacle as a powerful blow against matriarchal oppressers everywhere and that the female ringleader was,“kind of a bitch who had it coming.”

Leslie is ION’s design assistant. If you met her in person, you’d kind of want to put her in your pocket and take her home with you. She has an unhealthy obsession with pugs and fears zombies. When she isn’t laying out at ION, she’s pulling double duty as art director and vice-president at Delinquency Apparel, an up-and-coming hiphop/skateboarding clothing line. She also claims to be a booty quaking master. We weren’t really sure what that meant so we asked her. “You know in rap videos when the girls drop down and make their asses jiggle? Yeah that!” she declares. According to Leslie, the secret to making your ass jiggle isn’t a lot of fatty foods. Rather, “You have to shake your ass while holding the other parts of your body still.” Loose fitting clothing is also essential as “ tight fitting clothes restrict your booty from shaking. Basically you want your butt to be free to bounce without restraint.” Thanks for the tips.

Number two on the list of fun things to do to cats that they hate is turning their ears inside out.

Number one is touching their hairy tongues when they yawn. Number three is sticking your finger in between the pads on their feet. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.

www.myspace.com/shantz

ION MAGAZINE 16

www.delinquencyapparel.com Photo by Harry Ma

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 18

Arts and crafts

etsy.com Words Degan Beley

Etsy.com is not your mother’s craft store. There are no dusty rows of macramé, no piles of puce and orange afghans. Self-described as, “your place to buy and sell all things handmade,” Etsy is teaming with exceptional and unusual homemade art—everything from crochet sculptures to colour prints, to purses to paper goods. More striking, however, is the genuine feeling of camaraderie that seems to exist among the various artists and sellers. Etsy is more than just a marketplace. It’s a community too.

According to Matt Stinchcomb, VP of marketing and communications, Etsy is already boasting of 40,000 registered sellers and 200,000 registered users, and it is gaining over 1000 users every day.

He attributes the site’s success to each seller’s personal touch.

“People are fed up with having no connection to where or how something was made,” he says.

“There are more people making things than ever before, and it’s not just one thing on Etsy, but a conglomeration of 40,000 different brands.” The personality behind each item sold on Etsy, combined with handy online search features like “Geolocator” and “Shop by Color,” means shoppers are pretty much guaranteed to find something they’ll love, and whatever that item is, it’s likely to be a treasure. That’s the beauty of a site like this, and people are recognizing it and turning to Etsy in droves.

Beth Spatafora (arete.etsy.com) a jewelry artist who works with stained glass shards and photographs, isn’t surprised that Etsy is booming.

“The desire has always been there for handmade

things, and now there’s a place where people can get them easily,” she tells me over the phone.

“People like to have something that was made with love and with passion. I would rather have that than go to the mall and get something massproduced.”

Clearly, shoppers agree. Business has been great for Spatafora over the past year, and when we talked she was busy filling an order for 300 custom designed pendants in her signature style to go to a charity ball in Phoenix.

As for the community aspect of the site, Spatafora says she’s regularly contacted by other Etsy users who want to tell her how much they enjoy her work. One woman even made a point of telling Spatafora that the shop made her “feel all happy inside.” And besides accolades, there’s also assistance. When she first got started with Etsy, Spatafora needed help figuring things out, and other users quickly rose to the challenge. “I had no idea the internet community could be so helpful,” she says, surprised at the gesture.

Stinchcomb, however, is not surprised. Etsy is about “people connecting through a shared passion for art,” he says, explaining that a lot of what builds that passion is the ways in which people contribute. “Everyone helps each other. You’ve got younger people helping with Paypal while an older person might teach a cross stitch… Etsy is all about helping the artists.”

Ashley Goldberg (ashleyg.etsy.com), another Etsy seller, agrees. “What’s good for one is good for all,” she says. “It’s kind of my favourite aspect of the site. If people come to my shop and buy

something, that’s not going to be bad for other sellers, it’s going to be a good thing. Because ultimately those same people will come back and look around, maybe buy something from someone else.”

Goldberg produces whimsical prints that resonate with human emotion, and which have proven extremely popular with the Etsy crowd. She and her boyfriend were both recently able to leave their jobs to work on art full time. “It totally took me by surprise,” she says of their success. Before joining the site, she’d never even made a print before, just sketches that she shoved in a drawer before heading to her waitressing job. Now only a year later, she’s sold more than 2000 prints.

Offers have been coming in for group and solo art shows, design shops and even a possible children’s book. Still, she has no intention of severing her Etsy ties, or of returning to her day job. It’s an Etsy dream; Stinchcomb says, “The overarching principle behind Etsy is for people to make a living making things.”

Of course, not all Etsy users have graduated to full time crafting. John Golden (johnwgolden. etsy.com), a digital printmaker with a penchant for nostalgic themes, says he hasn’t yet quit his day job. Even so, he says the site “has basically given me hope that it’s possible to transition out of the work-a-day aspect of what I do and really be able to support myself with my artwork.” Most telling is that when asked if there is anything Golden didn’t like about Etsy, he didn’t come up with a single thing. “I love Etsy,” he says, and I have to say, I agree.

ION MAGAZINE 19

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

THe junk hunter

dave trautrimas’ industrial parkland Words Jen Selk Photography Clint McLean

ION MAGAZINE 20

Dave Trautrimas is adorable. This becomes obvious almost immediately after he enters the small café diner where we are scheduled to meet in Toronto. The 29 year old artist, originally from Belleville, has got the flattered, eager to please manner of someone who’s never been interviewed before (he admits as much). It’s sweet, but it won’t last. Trautrimas’ work is as detailed and striking as that of some of the most popular visual artists working today and he isn’t likely to remain in obscurity for long.

Titled Industrial Parkland, Trautrimas’ most recent show opened at the LE Gallery in Toronto at the beginning of March. It features 11 large digital prints with names like Power Drill Factory and Stapler Factory all constructed in a way that Trautrimas describes as “kind of like hyper collage.” Basically, he’s taken everyday items like a fan, a lamp, and the aforementioned stapler and drill, meticulously dismantled them, photographed their individual parts, and then digitally manipulated those

photographs into new images that look like huge, urban factories. Each factory is implied to produce massive quantities of the items they’re made out of. Get it?

I don’t really get the “hyper” part of “hyper collage” so I ask.Trautrimas explains that most people think of collage as work that combines disparate source images.“I’m doing a similar thing, but taking it to the next level by creating my own source images in a really controlled manner, and using them to create a collage that is much more seamless than a typical scissors and glue approach.”

The show at LE Gallery is only Trautrimas’ second solo exhibition, but he says he’s already made a departure from his previous style.“I’d say a lot of the apparent humour is gone,” he says, explaining that much of the work he completed before (some while he was a still a student at the Ontario College of Art and Design) was more “whimsical” and “leaning toward the old Monty Python work of Terry Gilliam.” That influence is still vaguely apparent,

ION MAGAZINE 21

ART

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

22

ION MAGAZINE

but Industrial Parkland is also definitely something different. It’s more grown up, much like Trautrimas himself, more serious than you might expect, and extremely precise. Every review I’ve read so far manages to work in some reference to architecture in order to describe it.

Trautrimas worked for a good eight months on the project, holing up in his apartment in order to get it done on time (and still had to ask for an extension from the gallery). “There were definitely times that I was really stressed about the project,” he says.

“I can’t speak for all artists, but I think there’s always a healthy fear that the body of work you’re creating has the potential to completely flop.” Luckily, by the time Trautrimas and I spoke, favourable reviews of the show were already cropping up in local and national publications.

Trautrimas is pleased at the positive reception, and likely more than a little relieved. At the show’s opening, he says one visitor stood in front of his Automobile Factory piece—the largest work in the show at 37” x 60”—for an extended period of time, and finally remarked that he could actually “hear it” operating. It one of the nicest things anyone has said about his work, ever.

Personally, what I like best about Industrial Parkland is the retro styling of the items Trautrimas chose to work with. There’s something particularly appealing about the palate of older items—the pewter of the blades used in Oscillating Fan Factory and the light amber of some of the ancient bulbs in Lamp Factory.

“I’m an obsessive junk hunter,”Trautrimas admits, describing himself scouring local Value Villages and other second hand shops in order to find new materials to dissect. He even took apart his own car (an ’88 Toyota dubbed “the dung beetle”) to make a piece. Sometimes, he admits, he buys higher end items at the sort of Toronto antique stores that cater to the movie industry, and after dismantling and using them, will return them for a refund. He’s obviously a little abashed about it, but I’m complimentary. After all, he must be ridiculously handy, technically inclined and careful if he’s able to mess with so many different mechanical and electrical systems without ruining them. “Not really,” he says, smiling, and as ever, charmingly modest about the whole thing.

23

Photography David Fierro Production Vanessa Leigh Stylist Gerry Centanni Stylist’s Assistant Tanya Topolniski Hair & Make-up Ellen Pratt Model Megan Jones for lizbellagency.com Location Beaumont Studios

PREVIOUS SPREAD: Dress by Lipservice at Deadly Couture.

ABOVE: Top by Peel at Life of Riley, skirt by Lipservice at Deadly Couture, shoes Fluevog at Gravity Pope.

RIGHT: Top by Parasuco at Parasuco, skirt by Catherine Coatney, jeans by Parasuco at Parasuco, boots by Repetto at Gravity Pope, necklace by Chistopher Timothy at Twigg & Hottie.

PREVIOUS SPREAD: LEFT: Earrings by Barefoot Contessa. RIGHT: Top by Peel at Life of Riely, skirt Lipservice at Deadly Couture.

THIS SPREAD: Top by Tuna at Dream, skirt by Deadly Dicotonmy Designs at Deadly Couture, shoes by Paul Smith at Gravity Pope.

ART FASHION

Melodramatic Popular Song Deerhunter Words Luke Meat

FILM MUSIC

Deerhunter is a quintet from Atlanta, Georgia, that fuses psych, drone and electronic music into a cacophonic frenzy. Their newest release, Cryptograms, will make more than a few Pitchfork readers’ “top ten” lists this year. Bradford Cox was trying to park the band’s van on the Sunset Strip in Hollywood while the following conversation took place.

ION:Who are Deerhunter?

We’re just kind of a punk rock band. We’re from Atlanta. We’ve been around for four to five years in various forms, developing at a slow pace. We started out as this sloppy noise band and we slowly got into writing more organized songs and that’s kinda where we are now.

Atlanta has always struck me as very difficult place to “make it” in. Not only because of its size and musical diversity, but also because Chunklet* magazine is published there.

Oh! That’s my friend Henry! I’ve known him since I was nine years old! Chunklet can be pretty brutal. There were times when I couldn’t laugh at it; it’s such mean-spirited humour. The only time we got reviewed in it was my very first show. I was 11 years old, in a band called Harvey Milk, who were kind of infamous in the Atlanta scene. We did a bunch of Nirvana covers; he called us “cute.”

It probably had to with the fact that I was 11 and hadn’t hit puberty yet. (laughs)

ION MAGAZINE 32

Can you tell me about “Whirlyball,”** Atlanta’s favourite pastime?

(Laughs loudly) Whirlyball! Just a couple nights ago I went to see the Black Lips play Whirlyball at this place that does shows as well; Growing opened. Growing are like this very heavy but pretty drone band…a lot of samples and loops and stuff…

And…Whirlyball?

Oh! (laughs) Whirlyball! It’s like bumper cars and

lacrosse combined! It’s really surreal; you kind of have to see it.

Your first record was completely independently released; your new one is on Kranky.*** How did that transition happen?

Wow! Our first record, there was virtually no interest in it other than our friends. You’re right, it was on a very small label and there was no attention paid to it. The world of indie rock is so silly, it takes one person or publication to pick up on you to give you the “a-okay”. Like “Alright, this band is cool to like,” and then suddenly there’s interest! There were a few college radio stations that played our first record, but I honestly think our first album fell in along with a bunch of other albums that sounded the same. But thanks to the band Growing, who I mentioned before—they suggested we send our record to Kranky. They were so responsive and really easy to get to know and like.

I couldn’t be happier.

Your MySpace page describes you as “melodramatic popular song.” What exactly is that genre?

(Laughs) That description was actually in the pull-down menu! I mean, “melodramatic popular song” sounds like something we do!

You also put this testimonial on your page: “Tonight I saw your group in Nashville. Please, STOP MAKING (what might be conceived [sic] as) MUSIC! You have no melodies, there was no songwriting skills involved, lack of chord structures, AND your songs are pathetically too long. It’s an embarassment [sic] you opened for the yeahyeahyeahs. I turned my back to your group after 2 songs...and I remainded [sic] that way until your wannabe art student asses left. I would tell everyone I know not to see you... but it looks as if your front man is about to die. Seriously, get that half-ass man some help.” Why the self-hate?

Oh I just think those kind of reviews are funny! I mean, we get lots of nice reviews on MySpace as well, but they’re nowhere near as funny or entertaining as the hate-filled ones! That one you just read I think is a pretty apt description of us! I mean, our songs are pathetically too long, and I found it interesting that someone who hates our music so much came up with such a perfect definition of us. I think people that post those kind of reviews just want attention. If I’m at a show and I don’t like the band, I’ll go grab a cigarette or leave. I won’t intently watch them for an hour and go home and write a review of how shitty the show was.

So Deerhunter gets a reaction either way, be it positive or negative?

Yeah, it’s pretty polarized. The thing I’m most proud of this band is we aren’t mediocre. I don’t consider us too “out there” or whatever, but I do think we don’t write mediocre music. That’s my biggest fear.

Are there any similarities between the members of Deerhunter and the cast of the movie The Deer Hunter?

Oh, I’d be the one that went nuts. Freak out, shave my head, get a tattoo… *Chunklet is one of the funniest, satirical music magazines on the indie zine scene. It is published

by Henry Owings, a sardonic, witty, hirsute gentleman who will tear bands a new one if they remotely fall into his “suck” radar. ** According to Wikipedia, Whirlyball is a team sport that combines elements of basketball and jai alai. The players ride in “Whirlybugs,” small electric vehicles similar to bumper cars. How much fun does that sound? *** Kranky is an incredible label from Chicago that handles musical oddities such as Stars of the Lid, Loscil, and Godspeed You! Black Emperor.

ION MAGAZINE 33

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC

THe MagiCAl, BEAutiful Spirit of…

GRIZZLY BEAR

Words Natalie Vermeer Photography Patryce Bak

ION MAGAZINE 34

When I met up with New York band Grizzly Bear before their recent Seattle show, I didn’t expect it to be so classy and spiritual. First there was a serving of white wine. Singer/guitarist Ed Droste declared, “The plastic cup with ice and wine: Good for the glossy magazine. We’re living the glossy lifestyle here.”

This was followed by an explanation of how the band got started. Droste begins, “I took like this guitar lesson…” Singer/guitarist Daniel Rossen butts in, “Somewhere around three years ago, he just kind of started exuding beauty in mysterious ways. All of a sudden there was a microphone in front of him! And it was just like, there’s music here!”

Droste tries to continue,“It was in my system—I had to let it free!” Again Rossen interjects,“He was like,‘I have to do this! I have to let this go!’” adding “And after that, it was there… that’s why there was so much atmospheric noise, it just came out!”

I thought Droste created the first album basically on his own but I was mistaken. I also thought it had been inspired by a breakup. “Oh kind of,” Droste casually replies, “I was kind of depressed, yeah. Bored and depressed. Made the first album, I guess.” But then the beauty took over… just in time for their latest record, Yellow House, which was released this past September on Warp.

“He’s made it beauty!” declares bassist/woodwinds/electronics stylist Chris Taylor, wandering into the room looking fashion-blog worthy stylish with a woodsman casual ensemble, complete with a shell casing necklace. “No,” replies Droste,

“[Taylor has] made it beauty! Look at that gun shell filled with turquoise around his neck. If that’s not some beauty, I don’t know what is! With a hunter’s hat on! Elmer Fudd beauty over there!”

I wondered how all of the beauty collected itself together to present Grizzly Bear to the urban public. “Well,” offers Taylor, “[Drummer/Vocalist Christopher] and I first met at jazz camp. It’s pretty fucking awesome! But he was in the cooler group. I was in the shittier group... and it gave me a complex!”

“All three of us were kind of nerds,” admits Rossen.

“Not me!” interjects Droste.

“Not him,” allows Rossen.

“No, I was a dork,” Droste confesses,“but I didn’t do much music. Not the TV station!”

Taylor helped Droste finish the first Grizzly Bear album and then introduced him to his school friends who ended up making up the band; a band that happens to have an animal name.

“It’s just kind of random that it happened,” Droste explains,“When I named it originally, it was kind of a reference to a nickname of an ex. I didn’t know a lot of animal band names and I thought it was funny as a name for just me by myself, and so now that it’s a band, and there’s more animal band names, it’s kinda like ‘Ahh!’ But it’s fine. It is what it is. It’s there for life! We’re an animal band!

We just have to come to terms with it. Accept it!”

“At least it’s a sort of simple, sturdy name,” offers Rossen, “It’s a universal animal. It’s vague enough.”

“And it’s just the animal!” defends Droste, “It’s not the animal doing something, like parading!”

“Bear on parade!” clarifies Rossen.

“Well there [are] a few parade bands—Mice Parade, Wolf Parade…” says Droste. “We’re not adding or subtracting—mathematical bear!

Grizzly Bear will hopefully be writing more psychedelic lullabies soon—as soon as they’re home longer than a couple weeks after going back and forth to Europe for shows. “We keep wanting to [write] but it’s so busy,” reflects Droste.

“Never! It’s over! This is it!” Rossen declares, “[Well], we’re going to try! Hopefully this summer and fall we’ll have some time off to actually rehearse as a band.”

“I hope so, if I can summon up my spirits,” Droste overdramatically sighs with a smirk, “I just don’t know how quick it will be.”

And while we wait for our next Grizzly Bear sighting in the Northwest—which, ironically, will be at the Sasquatch Festival in May—we should prepare for other possible grizzly bear encounters! But what is one to do, exactly, should he or she come across a grizzly bear? “Uh… I don’t know… freeze!” suggests Droste, “That’s what I would do. I think I would freeze. Or if I was near a tree, I would climb the tree. But wait, can’t they climb trees?”

“We should do more research,” adds Rossen.

ION MAGAZINE 35

Photography by Mark Maryanovich Illustrations by Mike Shantz

FAKE SHARK, REAL ZOMBIE If a band can name themselves after a particularly hilarious scene in a B-grade Italian horror flick, they have to be doing something right. If a band can get kicked out of one high profile show in London only to be asked back for a series of shows in some of the UK’s hippest joints, they have to be doing something right. If a band can sound like ten different bands but still sound like no other, they have to be doing something right. If a band can hype an album in Japan long before it gets props in their hometown, they have to be doing something right. That band is Fake Shark Real Zombie and the album is Zebra! Zebra! Kevvy Mental, Louis-Wu, Fucking Malcolm and new addition, Parker Bossley have created something that only a few locals have had the chance to hear, but when the album drops on these shores sometime later this summer, the buzz will be loud and clear. myspace.com/fakesharkrealzombie

ART

brent oliver

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

40

POSTER ART

Brent Oliver is a tireless promoter of Edmonton’s bustling nightlife. When he got tired of waiting on people to make posters for his shows, he took it upon himself to do it. Armed with nearly two decades of talent buying experience and eight years of what he calls “sparse-ish, with a touch of bacon fat” poster design, who better to illustrate for the bands that he brings to the city than the guy who loves his hockey just as much as the music. Either way, there’s no denying that if you see a poster on a pole the next time you’re in Edmonton, it could very well have the mark of a man dedicated to keeping the DIY philosophy alive and kicking, even if the Oilers are dead and buried. Sorry, Brent.

www.brentoliver.com

ION MAGAZINE 41

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 42

GAaME aa Gigantic Music

S/T THE BOOK OF LISTS SCRATCH

lon gisland beirut ba da bing

“Big A Little a” are totally rad. Think

Syd Barrett is alive and well. He didn’t

When I first heard Beirut’s debut,

the Liars or Animal Collective if they

die of pancreatic cancer in 2006 but

had used their creative licenses a bit

arriving at night victor bermon hefty

blue shift emissions christ. benbecular

Gulag Orkestar, I was in a crowded

The press release kinda boned this

Christ. (short for Christopher) hasn’t

had secretly recorded eight songs

van, traveling along the coast of BC.

one for me. There, Perth’s Victor

been sued by Boards Of Canada for

more. When played loud enough, the

with the remaining members of the

Upon the first few notes of the open-

Berman is touted as the saviour of

stealing their vibe, it’s because he

spazzy party sounds of this Brooklyn

Pixies behind Frank Black’s back. Okay,

ing track, that van became a caravan,

the rave chill room, to be placed be-

was an early member of the Scottish

group make you feel as though you

he didn’t, but The Book of Lists have

the highway became an archaic

tween Eno and AFX in the electronic

ambient group. He helped pioneer

are right there at one of their New York

channelled all of their musical influ-

desert, and my fellow passengers and

spectrum. Is he? Should he be? The

the sound that has since become the

underground shows. And you wouldn’t

ences into a creative and sometimes

I became Eastern European gypsies

obvious answer is no, and putting

living definition of atmospheric down-

come out alive—or at least leave

quirky self-titled EP. There is a lot more

with tattered rags and stolen jewels.

those expectations on him isn’t fair to

tempo. This glorious seed of creation

tattered and satisfyingly confused.

to this band than meets the prover-

I wish I could say that Lon Gisland

Bermon or us. Though far from classic,

is all over Blue Shift Emissions, his

Even if the DIY bandwagon has got-

bial eye, or ear for this matter. Their

provoked the same reaction. If only.

the Australian knob-twiddler’s full-

long awaited, long delayed follow-up

ten a little full lately, it hardly matters

rhythm section provides all the crunch

On Beirut’s highly anticipated second

length debut is certainly not without

to 2003’s Metamorphic Reproduction

for these guys. The songs sound like

needed for each bite while singer,

release, some of the mystique is lost.

its own charm. His wash of plucked

Miracle. He sure doesn’t plant any

they have already started a celebra-

Frey, delivers in a manner evoking

The instrumentation (accordion, trum-

strings, floating acoustic guitar melo-

new seeds here, like his upbeat

tory traveling caravan of their own

the late Barrett without offending the

pet, piano and ukulele, among oth-

dies, digital feedback ambiance, and

Minerals Series dance track “Ache/

with whistles, bass-heavy drums and

ears of the old and the oblivious alike.

ers) remains essentially unchanged.

warm kick drum bass is on technical

Eat” hinted at, but those planted four

incomprehensible chants. Throw in

Ranging from radio-friendly poppy

However, the arrangements produce

par with likeminded efforts from Four

years ago have been well looked after.

some 80s no-wave and you have Aa.

songs to the epically hypnotic, this al-

clean, poppy carnival tunes with few

Tet and Benbecula Records, though

This album contains 100% ethereal,

Perfect for any dirty club kid. If this

bum is full of droning bass lines, shuf-

epic voyage soundtrack moments. But

not quite as moving. However, every

otherworldly ambiance and lethargic

is the latest thing to grab peoples’

fled beats, and other sonic ear-pop-

comparisons aside, band mastermind

hatefully folktronic track here is quite

bass, cleaned—up but not really im-

attention, then maybe there is hope

ping goodies to have you going back

Zach Condon is still concocting a

similar and won’t challenge anyone

proved upon. Luckily, he was already

for us yet.

for more. Newbie bands are often un-

richly different sound. And that sound

to reclaim the chill room from the

a legend so there really wasn’t much

★★★✩✩

fairly compared to their predecessors:

places him as an unlikely influence

vodka and Red Bull crowd. Those guys

to improve on anyway. He could make

The Dears to Morrissey; Interpol to Joy

and an unorthodox instrument above

need a little more in-yer-face variety

this album till the end of time and I’d

Division; Wolfmother to Zeppelin, so

and away from every other artist who

to distract them from their natural lip

still line up to buy it; it’s that moving.

here’s another for your List.

strives to be unique.

chewing tendencies. There is a dif-

As poignant as chill has ever been or

ference between background music

ever will be.

–Patricia Matos

★★★★✩

–Mariz Manansala

★★★✩✩

–Sasha Langford

If you’re wondering why Edinburgh’s

and chill.

Filmore Mescalito ★★★★★ ★★★✩✩

Holmes

Filmore Mescalito Holmes

beyond dinosaur jr. Fat Possum

yours to keep albert hammond, jr. red ink

heros hug kompakt one of many aliases—has released

Yoko Ono has been an onion in the

and greens of our city of Vancouver

More melody and less inebriation:

some 70 odd records in the last

industry for nearly four decades. Her

It’s always nice when music reminds

with shoegazing epics that invoke the

those are the thoughts that come to

four years. Your guess is as good as

music has often been a stylized ver-

you of that life-changing 80s film

tiny elves of my face to pull my mouth

mind during the first twinkling notes

mine whether that brisk output is a

sion of the emperor’s new clothes

you’d never admit to liking—or own-

into a grin so high that street-walk-

of Albert Hammond, Jr.’s new album,

result of crack use, him merely being

fable. None can call b.s. on the for-

ing for that matter. Writer’s Block is a

ers veer far off course just to avoid

Yours To Keep. He lets you breathe

a virile 21 year old, or both. In the

ever-reigning queen of popular music

less cheesy exception to the vintage

my near psychopathic projections.

with a sigh of relief—this isn’t going

last few months alone, he’s released

and culture itself. This remix album is

optimism that is carried through some

Expectedly, these playlists include

to be an album of Strokes leftovers.

three singles, three EPs, and Heroes,

more of a cover record with her high-

of the past’s best pop songs. The

The Lilys, Amusement Parks on Fire

Last year Hammond successfully

his latest album for the dependable

ness’ voice stretched or condensed

Stockholm trio captures the essence

and anything touched by the hand

toured the material from this album

Kompakt. At first listen, this is a solid

over the trademarks of the artists in-

of our 60s nostalgia in a completely

of Kevin Shields. The odd addition,

in the UK, making certain that even

minimal techno full-length with sev-

volved. Like most remix/tribute albums

uncontrived way. It’s practically a

but possibly the most necessary,

if North America doesn’t embrace

eral cheesy bleep layers in each track

there are peaks and valleys. Worth the

guarantee that once a person listens

has always been J Mascis. Recently

his solo debut, he still has a place to

over the genre’s typical steady beats.

price of the entire record is a return

to the simple electro-pop sound

J buried his hatchets with original

go. But surely that won’t be the case.

However, in light of his impressive

to form from Spiritualized. Taking a

of this album, Writer’s Block will

band mates Lou Barlow (of Sebadoh

There is an immediate relaxed sense

release schedule, maybe a little more

release with a multitude of techno

be a summer staple in their music

and Folk Implosion fame) and Murph.

on Yours To Keep that lends itself to a

time in the lab would’ve done this

remixes available already,“Walking

collection. With songs like the inno-

Originally a hardcore act by the title

maturity seldom captured by his previ-

album well. For example,“Sub” has

on Thin Ice” becomes maybe the

cently sweet duet “Young Folks” (with

Every Spring I soundtrack the pinks

John Dahlbäck—for whom Hug is but

yes, i’m a witch yoko ono astralwerks

writer’s block Peter Bjorn And John sony

Deep Wound, our trident of fore-

ous band. In fact, I would go on the

mad saw blade synth bass, but Mr.

most beautiful song done by either

Victoria Bergsman of the Concretes)

thought realized hardcore was a dead

record to say that perhaps Hammond

Oizo already beat that path several

the remixer or remixee. Quiet to loud,

and the lo-fi “Start to Melt,” it would

and irrelevant medium and found a

was the heavier hand in writing the

years ago with far greater character.

the piece accentuates a quivering

be heartless to quickly file the album

meeting point in the function and

Strokes’ music. His signature guitar

Perhaps, if Dahlbäck had stayed with

vocal that goes nearly unnoticed in

away. Sometimes the Swedes can do

melody of the New Order variety. Then

playing is there, but so are acoustic

it for a good while, he may have

the original, and adds a full feedback

no wrong.

they split. Now they’re back together.

guitars, handclaps and a stripped-

made something on a higher level.

accompaniment worthy of tears. On

The outcome and output is a brand

down sense of self.

As is, he’ll have to deal with releasing

the flip side, it’s about time for Le Tigre

★★★★✩

comparatively adequate material at a

to realize how irrelevant their brand

pace you could set your watch to.

of proto femi-nazi tech-laziness has

new record that plays as a lost singles

★★★★✩

–Patricia Matos

album, and it may just be the premier gem in the Dinosaur Jr. discography.

The best thing to ever come out of

become and that their act is turning Filmore Mescalito ★★★✩✩ Holmes

into an ovulating en masse Lilith Fair folk reject.

hardcore. Just perfect.

★★✩✩✩ ★★★★★

–Trevor Risk

–Trevor Risk

ION MAGAZINE

collection. There isn’t one drop on this

–Patricia Matos

43

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

hamburguru vic ruggiero scan in the world japan

time scratch massive kompakt

Mix one part Bob Dylan, one part

second album as Scratch Massive is

Eddie Cochran, one part Robert

being promised as the dark electro

Johnson, two parts eccentric New

success where other electro fusions

York scenester, and you’ve got

have failed. After hearing the glitch-

yourself one hell of a good time. Vic

rock masterpiece “Shining in My Vein”

Ruggiero made a name for himself

in the context of so many love pained

as lead singer and keyboardist for The

mechanical vocals, creepy synths

Slackers and a couple of years ago

and chugging basslines, it’s pretty

he started recording songs the way he

hard not to agree. Scratch that; you’d

heard them in his head. These are the

have to have a mental disability not

unabridged, untouched and untainted

to love this with every gyrating, sexu-

versions of songs he has previously

ally charged fibre of your being. This

recorded with The Slackers, as well

is electro for people who hate people

as many new ones that sound best

who like electro (but less convoluted

played solo, which is what he’s aiming

in the execution), while their gut-

for here. He’s literally a one-man band.

tural guitar work—which includes a

On his newest album Hamburguru,

cover of the Cure’s “Three Imaginary

he plays guitar while stomping on the

Boys”—will win over the rest of you.

kick drum, blowing into his harmonica

Mark my words, you shall be won.

Maud Geffray and Sébastien Chenut’s

and singing in his gravely drawl.

“Don’t Wanna” is a lazy tune with a bluesy rhythm, heavy harmonica and an offbeat guitar strum.“New Jersey Story” has a ragtime swinging gypsy

ION MAGAZINE 44

feel to it with a hurried beat. This album is a must have if you’re running an underground speakeasy or even if you simply want to catch a glimpse of old-world New York.

★★★★★

–Adam Menceles

★★★★✩

Filmore Mescalito Holmes

DRESSED UP FOR THE LET DOWN RICHARD SWIFT SECRETLY CANADIAN In those bleak times of emotional bankruptcy, it’s always reassuring to know that some other sad sack is also being followed around by a lingering black cloud. American singer-songwriter Richard Swift has witnessed his fair share of dark days, to be sure. Like a less flamboyant Rufus Wainwright, and less of a pushover than the late Elliott Smith, Swift spins soulful yarns of love gone amiss and his failed forays into superstardom, all glossed over with some sweet, sweet malaise.

But it’s never really a downer since Swift knows how to purloin that silver lining while still keeping misery at arm’s reach. This life-gives-you-lemons attitude could be a result of his brief stint playing keys with vaguely

3615 TTC TTC BIG DADA TTC make extended ringtone-sounding music for people who like to blast their mp3 phones on the back of the bus. What’s even better is that it’s all in French. Real French. Which make their lyrics blissfully incoherent; sort of like trying to get directions from a kid chewing grape flavoured bubble gum during a four-float clown parade.

The six-man group, infamous for their twisted electronic sound in their native France, bring a fun, acidy flavour to the world of pop-rap. Their most recent albums include the likes of Nelly and Mase. But this is way more fun, refreshing, bursting with tropical fruit flavours and colours and will make you want to move. If you don’t dance to this you’re probably not human.

★★★★★

–Mariz Manansala

JOHNNY GREENWOOD IS THE CONTROLLER VARIOUS ARTISTS TROJAN I’m docking a point from this record right off the top based solely on its concept: Radiohead guitarist is asked by the venerable Trojan Records to curate a compilation of his favourite dub/reggae tracks. Big deal, right? I don’t know about you, but give me a few hours with the All Music Guide and SoulSeek and I could probably come up with something equally as impressive. In this day and age of online crate-digging, the need for this type of release is sketchy at best—and it’s not like these are “The Songs that influenced Radiohead” or anything like that (or maybe they are, what the hell do I know?). Still, based on content alone this is a qual-

Christian synth-poppers Starflyer 59.

ity set of selections for any Winter

Or maybe it’s just a wise way of mak-

Bluesenstein craving the breezy Island

ing music: no one wants you to be on

Sound: Scientist, Lee “Scratch” Perry,

the side that’s winning, but we don’t

Desmond Dekker (RIP, jah bless) and

want you moaning in the gutter, either.

a cast of other known and unknown artists represent. But if you ask me,

★★★★✩

–Adam Simpkins

you’d probably have more fun being your own Selecta.

★★★★✩

–Adam Simpkins

american art weatherbox doghouse

bbb zoobombs octave

College rock radio stations will rejoice

and to get down to the rocking and

in Weatherbox’s post-grunge rock

rolling sound? Yes? All right! Take out

Are you ready for good time music

shlock sound on this full-length debut.

your boom boxes, put on your sweati-

The San Diego based group, and self-

est clothes and turn up the sound of

described “crunchy nugs” have an

Japan. Chock full of ripping guitars

amateurness about their music that

and voices loud as thunder. The

evokes, at best, the first Limblifter re-

Zoobombs have formulated a crazy

cord without the charm. There’s barely

Nipponese sound emanating straight

a blip worth holding on to here, except

from the garages of Tokyo. BBB is a

for maybe their attempt at a hap-

mish-mash of tunes that get their in-

less power-acoustic ballad midway

fluence from Hard Rock, Garage, JPop

through the record that mysteriously

and the odd hip-hoppy beat.“The

has no title. How original.

Good Good Future” is a song about looking forward without abandon,

★★✩✩✩

–Mariz Manansala

and sounds similar to a trance-like dance-rock party.“Star Child” is more JPoppy and ethereal, but still has the kick they were striving for. With only the odd English word involved. The Zoobombs’ BBB is a truly authentic representation of what’s really cool in Japan right now.

★★★★★

–Adam Menceles

ION MAGAZINE 45

HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE

“I’m a musician.” I said to the doctor, an attractive female in her mid-40s.“This is the thing. I’m going on tour with my band, we’re going to do the interior and then go into Alberta for a few dates. We don’t get paid much for these shows, but money isn’t the reason I picked up a guitar in the first place, if you know what I mean.”

(Awkward silence) “What I’m trying to say is, being a musician I get to have promiscuous sex, and I don’t want to get anyone pregnant you know. I get drunk at these shows, and when I end up with a groupie, I try to wear a condom but, invariably, I end up taking it off because… well…you know… sometimes it’s hard to keep it hard.”

The courting ritual has been related to drunkenness as long as alcohol and females have been available in tandem. That is not to say that all relationships between men and women are born from intoxication. That is not the case. However, one should recognize that drunk people act impulsively, and impulsive people are more likely to have promiscuous sex.

If one chooses to engage in this type of drunken philandering, he must use caution because using booze as a social lubricant can be a doubleedged sword. For instance, if a drunkard is lucky enough to find a girl interested in having anonymous recreational sex, only later to be foiled by flaccidity, it becomes clear that whiskey-dick can screw a man over like no woman ever could.

There is something that happens to a man when he gets too drunk and can’t perform properly; something basic and primal is ripped from his soul. He becomes detached from the situation while it is happening, as if he is a third party forced to watch his own misery play out before him. As an animal he becomes deficient, incapable of the most instinctual of tasks: reproduction. The fundamental worthlessness of his sexual inability weighs heavy like the fate of a dying bloodline.

Emasculated is a synonym for flaccid on thesaurus.com for a reason.

But there is a silver lining. Through medical science we now have the ability to prevent a man

Models Hamza Adam and Lauren Hammersley

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS 46

Limpin’ Ain’t Easy Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang

from going though the psychological trauma associated with being sexually limp. Unfortunately, if one is to walk into a doctor’s office and scream, “I would like some pills because I can’t keep it up when I’m drunk,” the doctor will likely give you nothing more than a stern lecture. So we are forced to lie. I drink a lot of whiskey, but I am no musician.

Alcohol induced impotence is only one corner of a much greater social issue here though.

Everyone wants to wear a condom when they participate in promiscuous sex because we all know that it is the right thing to do. The problem is

that most promiscuous sex occurs when people are drunk. When people are drunk their judgment is impaired and as a result they make bad decisions. Also, when people are drunk they have a hard time walking a straight line, much less stand at attention, so they are less likely to use a condom. If dick pills were more readily available, drunk people would have less unprotected sex. If drunk people had less unprotected sex, it is safe to speculate that we would see a decrease in unwed teenage mothers and sexually transmitted diseases. So think of the future, it’s good for everyone if it is easy to keep it hard.

HOROSCOPES Words Sean Devlin

You will receive three social invites. One to talk, from a friend. Talk. Friends are good. One to dance, from a stranger. Dance. You should meet new people.

And one to keep your eyes closed for 5 more minutes, from a singing, rainbow-coloured FuffaRabbit. Wake up, you’re sleeping in. –Aries March 21-April 20

TAURUS

April 21-May 21

You’re reading me because you want to know what April holds for you. Well, there’s gonna be a lot of happy moments and a few sad ones.

There will also be several confusing moments. Finally, you will spend all your feathers buying hamburgers at the grandpa store, sexy bathtub.

GEMINI

May 22-June 21

You will earnestly concern yourself with making others happy. You will learn that goodness is the only investment that never fails. Also, you will realize that you’ve got too many lights on right now. You will turn some of them off.

Cancer

June 22-July 22

You’ve excused yourself for your habitual procrastination by accepting it as part of your(self). You say,“I just work best under pressure.” The truth is, you’ve never worked any other way. But you will soon and the results will be promising.

July 23-Aug 22

Long shifts at work have lead you to conclude that you hate people. But what you really hate is customers.

Next time a customer is rude to you, scream the following, “Hey man!

We’re just two people here! Can’t

VIRGO

Aug 23-Sept 23

You’re supposed to be doing something else right now.

LIBRA

Sept 24-Oct 23

Your fear of being attacked by crows will become too much to bear. You will purchase one of those lifelike fake owls that keep birds away. You will wear it around your neck, until you realize there are scarier things in life than being attacked by crows.

Namely, being attacked by horny owls.

SCORPIO

Oct 24-Nov 22

Your friends will invite you to a party.

It will actually be an intervention.

They will sit you down and ask you to stop saying,“Let’s roll!” every time you get on the bus.

Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 While drunk you will make three bad decisions. The first, to send the following text message to an ex, “I don’t miss you. oooKKAAY? Call

me sometime.” The second, to sell all your underwear on the internet.

The third, to waive the asking price so long as the purchaser promises to be your best friend.

Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 In an attempt to break out of old patterns you will try something new.

After careful consideration you will decide on long track speed skating.

You will train day and night until 2010. You will win the Gold! But, during the medal ceremony it will be snatched by a mob of angry homeless people. They will melt it down and use it to buy 397 lbs of sliced bologna. But not to worry, they’ll gladly share it with you.

AQUARIUS

Sean Devlin is a comedian, filmmaker and co-creator/co-star of The Living Room www.lvroom.com

Jan 21-Feb 19

Someone you made plans with in the past will be impatiently waiting in your future. What I’m saying is, you will be late for something.

PISCES

Feb 20-March 20

This is your horoscope for April 2017: You will be excited because your Screw-Bot will finally arrive in the tech-mail. You will be disappointed to find that the Screw-Bot is a robot with an extensive knowledge of different screws and their corresponding screwdrivers.

ION MAGAZINE

Leo

you see that? Or are you fiending for this coffee so bad you’ve lost sight of humanity?!” This may seem strange. Especially if you don’t work at a coffee shop or the customer is a woman. But scream it anyway.Your manager will probably give you the rest of the day off.

47

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS

HOROSCOPES

COMICS

ION MAGAZINE

48