VOL 5 ISSUE 41 • FREE
TEGAN & SARA CARIBOU SCHARPLING & WURSTER STEREO TOTAL
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TABLE OF CONTENTS 18 Editor’s Letter Put this guy on that top secret no-fly list already. 19 ION the Prize 20 Of the Month Movies about quirky British people, video games where you race cars, people who like to humiliate cats and contributors who don’t like us to humiliate them. 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam’s friends are just as unpleasant to be around as he is. 47 Horoscopes Aubrey Tennant mixed tea leaves, chicken bones and a few crystals, threw them on the ground and stared at them for hours Inspired, he walked away and came up with our horoscopes this month. 48 The Perry Bible Fellowship
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CULTURE 22 S charpling & Wurster Hilarious talk radio sans the naked women, scat jokes or FCC fines.
FASHION 24 Lips Denim Hot Lips! 26 Concrete Beauty This month’s fashion editorial shot by Dexter Quinto.
MUSIC 34 36 38
Stereo Total It’s cool this duo, consisting of a French woman and a German man, were able to get over the whole multiple Word Wars thing and make some kick ass music together. Caribou I love this game!. Tegan and Sara We knew we had to be nice during this interview or members of a militant Tegan and Sara livejournal community would firebomb our office. 42 Poster Art: Bree,ree 44 Album Reviews
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Volume 5 Number 6 Issue 41 Publisher Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Copy Editor Editorial Intern Photo Editor Art Director Associate Art Director Design Assistant
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Ania Mafi Patricia Matos Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Erin Ashenhurst erin@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca
Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Contributing Writers: Amanda Farrell, Zach Feldberg, Filmore Mescalito Holmes, Sam Kerr, Emily Khong, Patricia Matos, Adam Simpkins, Aubrey Tennant, Amber Turnau. Contributing Photographers & Illustrators: Toby Marie Bannister, Elise Beneteau, Trevor Brady, Nicholas Gurewitch, Tony Hudson, Jason Lang, Dexter Quinto ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2007 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Hey wait, do they even sell iPhones in Canada yet? We don’t care. Just make it happen. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Photography: Fiona Garden fionagardenphotography.com // nobasura.com Model Anna Feller @ Liz Bell Agency Hair & Makeup Heather Rae - www.raemakeup.com
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
COME FLY WITH ME Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
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Without a doubt there are no benefits to being in the middle seat on a plane. The window seat? Hey, you can look out the window and no one will bug you so they can squeeze by to go to the bathroom for the entire flight. It’s the perfect seat to take a handful of over-the-counter pharmaceuticals and pass out for eight hours. The aisle seat? Oh man that is such a hot commodity. You can get up and walk around whenever you feel like it. You can stretch your legs out into the aisle. What’s best though is you are the gatekeeper to the bathroom for the two saps beside you. You are totally in control for the entire flight. The middle seat is garbage though. You don’t even get an armrest to yourself. You have to share. Best thing to do is to claim those armrests as soon as you sit down and never move for the entire flight. Be assertive and don’t leave any space for them to sneak their arms on there. If you leave even a millimeter of space, the person beside you,
who will be wearing an itchy wool sweater, will put their fats arm on there and rub up against your arm for the entire flight. What’s worse about the middle seat is, while you’ve got the two people beside jockeying for position on your armrests, the insensitive twit in front of you will recline his chair further reducing your personal space. Sure, you can kick the back of his chair but that only get you dirty looks. If you’re in the middle seat, your entire flight is pretty much a passive-aggressive battle for non-existent real estate. So there you sit for hours on end with the walls literally closing in on you as the stewards try to pacify you with a few drinks, 1.5 meals and a horrible in-flight movie like Wild Hogs, starring Tim Allen and John Travolta, or 300, starring a bunch of sweaty dudes. Oh, and if you watch the news and have a lot of anxiety about flying, rest assured you are safe. If you’re lucky there will be a plainclothes
Air Marshall onboard who is carrying a gun and will shoot anyone that tries to harm you. You can’t even tune out everything by listening to music, as there’s no electronic devices allowed during take-off and decent. That rule makes a lot of sense. Because I know a lot of the time I get so enraptured by the music, I wouldn’t even notice if the plane was going down. “Oh wait, the plane crashed? I’m sorry, I didn’t even notice because this new White Stripes album is so darn good.” No, all you can do in the middle seat is fester for hours on end and write the editor’s letter. Write the editor’s letter and pray to all that you hold dear that the person beside isn’t reading over your shoulder. If they’re doing that their eyes will be drawn to “pharmaceuticals,” “carrying a gun” and “plane crashed.” That’d just be trouble so maybe it’s best to just sit there watching Wild Hogs and make plans to get to the airport earlier for your return flight.
Matinique Photography Trevor Brady The prize this month is a selection of men’s clothing and accessories from Matinique. Matinique is a Danish line that wants to blur the line between casual and formal. Emphasizing quality, comfort, innovation, consistency and masculinity, Matinique offers of effortless European style at affordable prices. Go to www.ionmagazine.ca and click on contests to enter.
Styling Jessica Lynn Assisting Natasha Wheatley ‘67 Shelby 427 Cobra: Greg 604.617.7072
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Hair & Makeup Dana Mooney, Tracy Lai
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Pet Gus
DVD Cashback
DVD Hot Fuzz
Gus seems rather unimpressed that his lithe front side is being exposed to a massive audience of readers who will no doubt be more distracted by the brightly-coloured man behind him displaying a rather disturbing smile saying “look at what I can do to this smaller-than-me house pet!” But Gus takes this all in stride, taking special care to cross his legs slightly, because how dare you try to humiliate him completely. His owner seems certain that Gus will be able to make sense of this, but somehow we feel there may be a little kitty surprise awaiting him if he tries this again. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine. ca. If we use your picture we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.
Devasted by the end of a relationship, Ben, a young artist, is suffering from a bout of insomnia. Bored, he takes a job at a supermarket where he finds that his co-workers all have their own unique ways to make the time go by quicker. Ben’s trick is freezing time, undressing all the women in the supermarket—who happen to be models—and sketching them. But Jesus, Ben, get over that girl and move on already. Men are only supposed to show their feelings if they lose a limb in a freak lumber accident. Directed by Sean Ellis, Cashback is the feature length remake of the Oscar winning short. This film has a really odd mixture of slapstick and art. Probably the best way to think of it is the British Garden State if Zach Braff was in artist, busted up over the death of his relationship—not his mother—and kind of a perv.
You know those movies than you can watch a million times and they’re still entertaining? Well shit just got real for writer/director Edgar Wright and writer/actor Simon Pegg because now they’ve made two of them. In the same way that they completely turned the zombie genre on its head with Shaun of the Dead, now they’ve set their sights on the action genre with Hot Fuzz. Sergeant Nicholas Angel (Pegg) kicks so much ass he’s making the rest of the force look bad. So Tim, from The Office (UK), and Steve Coogan promote him out of the way to the sleepy English town of Sandford.There’s hardly any crime in Sandford but something doesn’t and up because there’s an unusually high amount of brutal accidental deaths. Angel teams up to cook some fools with dimwitted, chubby and lovable Danny Butterman, played by Nick Frost which is really a bit of a stretch. Hot Fuzz goes to show that you can make an incredibly stupid movie that’s also really smart. Oh and if you ever get busted for drinking and driving, you can’t buy the officers off with ice cream. I tried that once and it just doesn’t work.
Store Shop Cocoon
Contributor Amanda Farrell
Forza Motorsport 2 is one of the prettiest games to hit the 360. This game takes full advantage of the machine’s capabilities, and has a soundtrack of hip tunes like “Witch in the Club” by Quintron and Miss Pussycat . . . what the hell? Start out with a basic stock car, but after winning you get credits to upgrade your car with additional parts. Credits also get you into the next level of game play, which automatically opens you up to a greater number of races and tournaments. Interestingly, players can also buy and sell their custom-made cars online. The number of races won, upgrades, and cars won per race builds up your street cred thus, creating a vicious cycle to upgrade, win cars and then win races with those cars till the end of time. Better book the month off work.
Shop Cocoon is Vancouver’s first designer run independent retail collective. It’s a win-win situation for you and the designer as Shop Cocoon offers a viable way for up-and-coming designers to show their wares.This innovative and collaborative destination store has over 20 in-house designers, including hot local labels: Dru’s Design, BPA Metalcraft, Filou Designs, Nettie Design, RaspberryAnn, Sin Manga, Third Floor, Togs, Toodlebunny, Wickedness Candles, Willo Designs & U.Bagz.
Amanda is a freelance writer who is having a hard time thinking of things to put in her bio to make her sound cool enough to be a featured contributor. She wrote this month’s Caribou story for ION and isn’t sure if she really likes the ending. Amanda grew up playing in the woods, watching Kids in the Hall reruns and telling people she lived in an igloo. She also gets really bad sunburns (see photo) and doesn’t own a hair dryer. Currently, she works as the arts writer for Victoria’s alt-weekly, Monday Magazine, but she’s also been the morning show host for Village 900 AM and a mild-mannered reporter at the Times Colonist. We were going to make fun of some of her recreational activities that she left out of her bio or at the very least, make fun of her sister (my God she’s annoying). But she threatened to cry if we did so we won’t. Happy?
Open Tuesday to Sunday. 3345 Cambie Street 778.232.8532 www.shopcocoon.com
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Game Forza 2
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Pump up the VolumE
Scharpling & Wurster Words Zach Feldberg If talk radio is growing stale, nobody told Tom Scharpling and Jon Wurster, two men whose ingenious comedy could single-handedly redefine the future of the medium. In a broadcasting landscape that champions brevity, catchy soundbites and lowest-common-denominator humour, Scharpling & Wurster are a beacon of hope. Each Tuesday, Scharpling—who is also a writer/producer for the USA Network series Monk—hosts The Best Show on WFMU, a threehour tour de force fueled largely by conversations between Scarpling and a revolving door of faithful listeners, eagerly awaiting their chance to contribute to the evening’s discussion. Much of the time, he loses patience with the callers and either yells at them (“Get off my phone!”), hangs up on them, or both. But he saves the bulk of his disdain for the calls voiced by Jon Wurster, who also happens to be the drummer for Superchunk and a session player for Robert Pollard, Ryan Adams, R.E.M. and others. Wurster is the show’s comic foil, calling under the assumed identity of any one of the unsavoury members of his growing list of characters whose arrogance is rivaled only by their sheer naïveté and stupidity. Scharpling, meanwhile, plays the dupe. He’s the classic straight man, grasping incredulously for sanity while one of Wurster’s larger-than-life creeps guides things squarely in the opposite direction. There’s a formula at play here and it works, week after week. They’ve recently come out with their fifth “Best of the Best Show” compilation, a 3-CD set called The Art of the Slap, which features highlights from the past two years of the program. It’s their strongest collection yet – a testament to a brilliantly warped world spawned from years of phonecalls, fictional characters and towns, and elaborately interlocking storylines. In one of the new set’s many highlights— which, like most of these routines, starts inno-
cently enough—a Tornado survivor named Todd Hutchins, “The Miracle Man of Missouri,” is taken to task by Scharpling once it’s revealed that he’s using his post-traumatic charity donations to bankroll a series of Girls Gone Wild-esque smut videos. “I learned a lot about myself and I learned a lot about what my main strength and my biggest gift is,” he says boyishly. “And that would be bringing the most skankalicious sorority girls into the living rooms and frat houses of America’s horniest men.” And so goes the rhythm of Scharpling & Wurster. The fun began in 1997, when they did their first radio skit, entitled “Rock, Rot & Rule,” a routine about a self-styled rock critic named Ronald Thomas Clontle (played by Wurster, of course), whose wildly subjective opinions on music infuriated Best Show listeners and elicited dozens of angry calls. The Beatles, argued Clontle, could not ‘rule’ because “they wrote some bad songs like ‘Strawberry Fields Forever’,” and were thusly relegated to the level of ‘rock’. Madness, on the other hand, ‘rule’ because “they invented ska.” Those who were in on the joke knew that this was the beginning of something special. Of their initial meeting just a few years prior, Wurster says that he and Scharpling hit it off instantaneously, bonding over mutual interests and a shared sensibility. “Superchunk was playing in New York City,” he recalls during a phone interview from his home in Chapel Hill, NC. “Tom was one of the first people to actually write an article on us, and we liked a lot of the same comedy things, like Chris Elliott’s show Get A Life—that kind of thing—and we talked on the phone a lot when I was off tour.” Wurster admits that the swift ascent in the duo’s popularity was a little alarming, and that this newfound attention was perhaps a little more than he was ready to take on at the time. He describes some initial apprehension about their early material, and the recognition that it
drew from friends and fans alike. “At first I was reluctant to let it be known that it was me,” he says. “I didn’t want it to be connected with [Superchunk] at all, and I’m not sure why I was concerned about that at the time, but my name was nowhere on it. We’d hand the tape out to random bands that would come into town, down here or up there [in New Jersey, where Tom lives], and it kind of got circulated that way. But we were thrilled with the response. I’d never done anything like that.” As he and Scharpling became more comfortable with the direction that they were taking, new characters came out of the woodwork and the stories became increasingly absurd. One early call speculated on the death of Anne Bancroft, who passed away shortly before it was released on CD. And a more recent one, involving a fictional rock band that attempts to be the first to perform on Mount Everest, name checks a heap of living musicians, all of whom find an untimely end on the snowy peaks.Thus far, none of the real celebrities lampooned in that call, or any other, have contacted Scharpling & Wurster, but it’s certainly not out of the realm of possibility. “It’s kind of surprising because It seems like enough people know about it that someone would say to someone else, ‘Hey you know you’re mentioned in this thing.’” And the chance of that happening is growing. Having come a long way since its humble beginnings, The Best Show now boasts several obsessively updated fan sites and audio archives, as well as an ever-growing base of die-hard listeners and podcast subscribers. The secret, according to Wurster, is in the pure, unabashed audacity with which all of his characters are blessed. He knows these personalities inside and out, and his inherent awareness of their wants and needs is what makes them so distinctly memorable. “To me, that kind of misguided arrogance is just hilarious,” he says. “’There’s no way I’m
all the more sincere, forcing him to occasionally pinch his leg to keep from laughing during the more outrageous bits. As for the future of The Best Show and its sprawling cast of screwballs, Wurster suggests that the pair is “trying to bring this world to life on a visual level. It’s hard because these people exist in people’s minds for so long that you’re not sure if you can actually pull it off. It has to be as good as the version people see in their heads.” Whether or not these long-form routines can
make the leap to a more conventional 30-minute televised format remains to be seen, but so long as Scharpling & Wurster continue to defy convention in the name of what they think is funny, there’s little doubt that it will remain weird, wonderful, and altogether subversive.
Official Site: www.scharplingandwurster.com Audio Vault: www.bestshowvault.blogspot.com Weekly Recaps: www.recidivism.org/tbsowfmu
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gonna fail at this! Sure, I have no training, I have no idea what I’m doing, I’ve never done it before, but I’m gonna do it! And you’re a jerk for telling me I can’t do it.’ And of course it implodes.” Despite all this recognition, it’s important for both Scharpling and Wurster to keep it interesting—for themselves, and for the listeners. By Wurster’s estimate, the calls are now about 60 percent scripted and 40 percent improv, whereas the earlier calls were almost completely written out. The element of surprise makes Tom’s reactions
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FILM MUSIC
Nouveau retro
Lips jeAns
Words Amber Turnau Photography Fiona Garden “There is sort of extravagant elegance and exaggeration that I love [about the 70’s]. Nothing was too big or too much,” Donahue reminisces. And, people are catching onto this nostalgic line that’s so retro it’s modern. “Hopefully we’re attracting people who can think for themselves. People who define themselves and defy category.” As for what goes into the perfect pair of jeans? “Its all about the study. Figure out each important detail in a jean and make them the best. J-stitch, front pockets, coin pockets, waistband, belt loops, back pockets; everything getting together for the greater good,” says Donahue. “Loving what you do is the secret to just about everything, honestly. If you are trying to make a dollar or chase the latest trends, it shows. Hopefully we have escaped those pitfalls with our designs.” Currently, Lips Jeans are only available at select stores across the United States. Donahue said the team hopes to make Lips available in Canada soon and added mysteriously: “We have a lot of things in the works right now. We have secret schemes and big dreams. They keep us going.” In other words, their lips are sealed. www.lipsjeans.com
Model Carolyn at Richard’s Models Styling Shiva Shabani Hair & Makeup Jason Stafford Accessories Richard Kidd
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There’s a scene in Dazed and Confused, where a girl is wearing jeans so tight she has to lay on her back while her friend zips them up with a pair of pliers. That scene sprang into mind when I first perused the Lips Jeans online gallery. Somehow, amidst a saturated denim market, Brooklyn’s Lips Jeans manages to bring something fresh into the mix, sporting the sexy silhouettes and high waists only the 70’s could master. It looks like you’re guaranteed a good time if you get into their pants. Founders Daniel Donahue and Loren Cronk—self professed “brothers from different mothers”—met six years ago in Las Vegas and haven’t looked back since. “Lips was founded as a reaction to overdone denim market. We really weren’t being turned on by what was happening,” Donahue told ION. “We have been trying to push more sophisticated styles for the past few years. Only now are people starting to react. It’s been a bit of a struggle, but worth it.” Both Cronk and Donahue clearly have a passion for the 70’s. Cronk, well respected in the denim industry, has worked with some of the most reputable jeans labels, including Ralph Lauren and Levi Strauss. Meanwhile, Donahue, who says he was inspired by his dad’s old books and albums, is dedicated to “creating an artistic Utopia”.
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concrete Beauty Photography Dexter Quinto for www.THEYrep.com Produced Vanessa Leigh Styling by Gerry Centanni Makeup Jon Hennessey for www.NOBASURA.com using M.A.C Hair Ian Daburn for www.NOBASURA.com using Davines Models JJ Hendriks and Krista McPhail for www.lizbellagency.com
LEFT: Top, Karen Walker from Jonathan+Olivia; jeans, Lips; shoe, Steve Madden from Gravity Pope RIGHT: Top, Scarlet from Ark; jean, It Jeans from Vasanji; jewelry, Record Vinyl from Life Of Riley; shoes from Fluevog
LEFT: Sweater by Dolce Vita from Ark, stirrup pant from Ark, belt from Ark RIGHT: Jumpsuit, Les Prairies De Paris; purse from Life of Riley; shoes from Vasanji; sunglasses from Motherland
LEFT: dresses, Gsus from Heaven’s Playground; shoes, Novella from Vasanji RIGHT: Top from Ark; jeans from Eugene Choo; shoes, Objects In Mirror from Gravity Pope
LEFT: dress, JC Studios from Barefoot Contessa RIGHT: top, Isabel Marant from Jonathan+Olivia; jean, Lips; shoes, Coclico from Gravity Pope; belt, Michael Kors from Barefoot Contessa
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THE FRENCH CONNECTION Stereo Total
Words Patricia Matos Photography Sim Gil They play with an abandon that is unmatched by acts who embrace and emulate them. A retro-art mentality, sexy lyrics, and a wanton rebel-child’s soul are the foundation of what makes this band such a permeable force across the globe. Writeups read like amped, deifying expressions of a multi-lingual duo that uses eclectic instruments and influence the art world, all played out in youthfully translated text. This sort of thing has surely become all too common for Berlin’s Stereo Total. Françoise Cactus and Brezel Göring exude an intimate sound on their latest album Paris-Berlin, while lacking nothing of the duo’s astounding prior work. Known for their use of anything that produces a killer sound, Stereo Total have ditched excess and gone for simpler, more precise sonics. The record isn’t boring or stripped down, but stark in its instant likeability and unassuming honesty. Over the phone from Berlin, Françoise divulges the feelings behind Paris-Berlin and reflects on Stereo Total’s history. Tell me what is different from Stereo Total today, versus the band 15 years ago. Happy anniversary, by the way. Thanks a lot. Are we so old already? Well, I suppose that we look older. We can play much better together now. It’s magic, we just have to write a song. We can play it immediately. We are not so anxious anymore. When we made our first record we were very proud of it, and nobody wanted to put it out. At that time it was not the kind of music the labels were putting out. But I think that we didn’t change too much. We still like to try out things and see what happens. How do you blend all of your influences so seamlessly? They are very different from one song to the next, but always make sense. As we met and decided to make music together, it was clear that we came from really different musical undergrounds. With his former project
called “Sigmund Freud Experience,” Brezel was making experimental electronic music. I had this band called Les Lolitas. It was garage rock ’n’ roll with a French-chanson touch. So we didn’t start talking like,“Girl, you’re gonna do my music now!” or, “Boy, listen to my great stuff!” We were openminded. Later on we realized that anyway we didn’t want to be prisoners from a special music style. What was the most important for us was our own interpretation. We like to play music, but we also like to play with music. What about the balance of cute, retro pop with naughty, carefree punk? That’s how we are: moody. As a teenager I always listened to punk rock and heavy metal. But when I moved to Berlin, I noticed suddenly that I was missing the French pop. I started collecting these French records that didn’t mean anything to me as long as I was living in France. Or maybe they meant something to me, but I was just listening to them on the radio. What is it about music and sex that work so well together? As a French singer and diplomat, I like to transport French cliché. Besides that, music had always a sensuous function in my life. Always standing in the middle of the things that I like the most, which is not the fact by bureaucracy, cars and war for example. Have you ever considered making Stereo Total lunchboxes? People could store all kinds of fun things in there. Good idea! Never thought about it! But don’t you have to put food into these boxes? That [reminds] me of the handbag from a good anorexic friend of mine. You ask her for a pen and while she is searching for one, you see the old peas and pork chops in the bag. I think one day Stereo Total will be Germany’s national treasure. More popular than Heino!
[The most famous traditional German folk star ever.] [Surprised, she instructs me to choose between three possible answers] I don’t think so Oh! Poor of you, you know Heino? Who knows? The “Goethe Institut” is always sending us around the world to represent German culture, even if 50 percent from the band is French. I read you weren’t happy with “I Love You Ono” used in a commercial. Oh, that’s not true. We were really happy. We found that funny, that Sony, who has got millions of really well known bands under contract, choose us for their commercial. Specifically because we had recorded the song in one hour with a four-track recorder. Then we were happy that our favourite Japanese band The Plastics would get some money from it. They composed the song in the 80s. Then we were happy that our first great independent label, Bungalow, which was completely broke, got money from it. And finally we were also happy that we got money, too, and went immediately out to buy some new clothes! Are you trying to start a revolution with ParisBerlin? It’s not unthinkable. Yes, that’s true. But I think, it’s almost not possible anymore, and that gives me depression. For example, in France they want a conservative president…this period that was after [the student protests of] 1968 has kind of disappeared. When I was a teenager I was a little revolutionary. [laughs] I think the way we are living is different—I don’t feel it in the air. It’s very possible that Stereo Total could bring nations together with the many languages that appear in song. Would you be the world’s pop music ambassadors? We don’t like frontiers. Not between music-styles and not between countries. The world belongs to everybody.
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RAISING MANITOBA Caribou
Words Amanda Farrell Photography Toby Hudson Creative process is a tricky thing. It’s different for everyone, but for most, there’s an element of escapism; of going to that “happy place” where everything just clicks. For Dan Snaith, aka Caribou, that happy place is Andorra. Or at least, he thought it was. It turns out the tiny European country nestled between Spain and France that Snaith fantasized about while working on his fourth full-length record wasn’t all he’d imagined it to be. Instead of a romantic long-lost country in beautiful mountains, Snaith found what he describes as a giant duty-free store with guns, smokes and booze abound. He decided to name the record Andorra, anyway. “I’d already been working on the album, and before I got there I knew a lot of the songs on the record had that emotional, kind of romantic feel about them, they were really lush, and I was just imagining this would be the physical realization of the place I was going in my head to make that music and then it didn’t end up being that at all,” he says.“The title refers more to the place where I escaped to when I was making music in my head rather than the reality of the place. It’s kind of like this crappy room that I’m recording in and then the place that I go when I record.” The lush, delicate songs of Andorra not only feel rooted in a different place, but also in a different time. With one notable exception—the epic closer “Niobe,” which has a Chemical Brothers-meets-Beta Band feel—Andorra’s songs are firmly rooted in the 60s, something Snaith says is the result of him shifting his focus on the record. “The last record was more influenced by kind of droney music that doesn’t have so many chord changes and different harmonies. This one focused more on the melodies and actually writing songs. For me, the 60s ended up being the natural point of comparison for really good songwriting,” he says, citing examples like the Beach Boys and the Zombies.“I think that’s maybe what made me kind of go in that 60s kind of sound.”
When the Dundas, Ontario native released his first album, Start Breaking My Heart, in 2001 under the Manitoba moniker (which he was forced to abandon after threat of a lawsuit from Dictator’s singer Richard “Handsome Dick” Manitoba), Snaith was sounding more like Boards of Canada than the Beach Boys. But over the course of his next two records, Up In Flames and The Milk of Human Kindness, Caribou’s sound has slowly morphed from the electronic to the psychedelic. Snaith says another key difference on Andorra— Caribou’s first album on Merge Records—is the crafting of the songs was more intentional. “In the past, a lot of the music that I’ve made has been about happy accidents and coincidences where I’ve just tried something out,” he says. “This time, I was putting everything in exactly the place that I wanted it. It goes hand in hand with writing more composition, actually writing songs and planning arrangements out in advance.” Andorra’s genesis also occurred when Snaith had a lot more free time on his hands. He’d moved to London to pursue his PhD in Mathematics in 2001 and after wrapping it up in 2005, this record marked the first time he’d only had his music to focus on. “It was just a much longer and more intense process. It was the first time I hadn’t been doing two things in my life,” he says. “I started in January, 2006 and finished a little over a year later. It was six, maybe seven days a week working all day on it. I made like 600 and something tracks I started to varying degrees. . . That seems to be the way it works for me; spewing out as many ideas as I can and just getting the ideas down and then picking through them and seeing which ones work.” This sounds like a project that would cost a small fortune in studio rental. Fortunately, Snaith is still recording the same way he has since day one; in a room in his London apartment. Booking a few weeks in a studio—the route your average
band usually takes—is a totally foreign concept to him. “There’s a reason that I’m spending so much time; it’s what I’ve always enjoyed doing since I was a teenager, constantly make music and enjoying that process,” he says. “I’ve just been recording and recording and recording, and the idea of just going in for two weeks and making an album in that short period of time is totally alien to me. It totally mystifies me how people do that.” But perhaps a studio album is a future possibility for Caribou. After all, Snaith says he’s always up for a musical challenge, and has even deviated from his tradition of being the sole composer on his latest release. Andorra features a track co-written by the Junior Boys’ Jeremy Greenspan, a longtime friend of Snaith’s. While he was uncertain about collaborating at first, Snaith says “She’s the One” turned out for the best. “The thing I fear most is you’re working on something together and it’s not as good as it could be, but because we’re friends we’re just both being really polite and then having an end result that none of us are really happy with but neither of us are being honest about it. That just ended up not being the case at all,” he says.“We both totally felt comfortable saying, ‘I think this part should be changed,’ and we worked together really well, I thought, and the song has the best of both of us in it.” Whether he’s changing his stage name, his hometown or his songwriting process, Snaith seems to be quite the musical enigma. Or maybe he’s just a math geek recording great music in his bedroom.
Photographed for Ion Magazine in London, UK by Toby Hudson, June 2007 Special thanks to Ian Waite at Streeters London.
CULTURE
PROSE AND CONS
FASHION
Words Emily Khong Illustration Elise Beneteau
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 38
Tegan and Sara
What’s better than Tegan and Sara? Why, Tegan and Sara squared of course. The Canadian indie darlings have doubled the fun by planning not one, but two headlining tours. Throughout the summer, the duo will take their band to intimate theatre venues and then finish off with a two and a half month North American theatre tour in the fall. All three of their hometowns—Vancouver, Calgary, and Montreal—will be visited with room to spare. It’s often that two strong-willed individual personalities can transfer their emotions so well into their music without clashing and eventually breaking up. It could be the twin connection they share that keeps them united but it could also be simply that they know a good thing when they see it. Although this tour is long overdue, Tegan and Sara have been working non-stop since their 2004 breakout album So Jealous. The Quin sisters each contributed backing vocals on a variety of albums for artists like The Reason and Kinnie Starr. They were also bitten by the acting bug and appeared in an episode of the hit television show The L Word. But even when they weren’t touring, their songs were still getting heard as a little known band named The White Stripes recorded their own version of “Walking with a Ghost.” With their fifth studio album The Con, the twins break out of the normal recording routine by recruiting a few “Cuties” to help out on this latest project. On the forefront are the duo’s intense lyrics and piercing harmonies. “Are You Ten Years Ago” hints at the group’s electro rock side while the piano riff in “Back in Your Head” won’t leave your head. The Con doesn’t settle into one genre; the only letdown is when the playful and cyclical “Soil, Soil” ends too soon. So don’t sweat it if the new disc isn’t entirely memorized yet; fans will have twice the opportunities to hear the Quins’ quirky stage stories and hear the entire new album live. ION had a moment to chat with Sara Quin, fol-
lowing their Vancouver shows, to see if they were able to put The Con back into Cancon. So you two played two small theatre shows in Vancouver last night. How was it? Sara: It was great. It’s really great to play smaller venues and keep people engaged. So far we’ve only played Victoria and Vancouver but the crowd has been really great. We’ve been playing our entire new album so it’s a lot to expect from people who haven’t heard the material before. But they’ve been very attentive and excited. What’s the reward in playing two tours of different sized venues for you? We haven’t played live in almost a year and a half. We started putting together tour ideas and brainstorming exactly what we thought we should do. We thought we’d just start with smaller venues, that way we knew it’d just be diehard fans. You know, and basically just be able to get our sea legs again. But also know that the people who are there are there to listen and were excited and weren’t necessarily there to hear just one song. That’s what’s exciting for us artistically. But then to do the big shows is always exciting as well. You mentioned your diehard fans. I would think most of your fans, in Canada at least, are pretty diehard. I think I agree with that, definitely. It is a whole other thing when you start playing the bigger rooms, because there is definitely a contingent of people who come out and are there for the event rather than there to listen and participate. Well they participate but it’s in a way that’s more detached. Which is great, which can be really fun especially if you just want to get lost in the music and just play a show. What’s great about the small shows we’ve been doing is everyone’s very quiet and attentive. It’s a whole different momentum. I love both styles. It’s two different things that are really amazing.
How has the long distance writing relationship been? Because you’re in Montreal and Tegan’s in Vancouver. Since we started writing songs when we were 15 we’ve never collaborated. That’s never really been our thing. We think of ourselves as individual songwriters. So to be honest, I have to say it doesn’t really play a role. When we were living in Vancouver together we’d do the same thing that we do now 3,000 miles apart. We write the songs and then we record them and I send her an MP3. She’ll give feedback and add a couple guitars or a background vocal or something. Our writing collaborative process is very similar when we’re next door to each other or across the country. It’s awesome and it’s great for us because it allows us to live in different cities and keep our own schedules. How did two members of Death Cab for Cutie end up helping out on The Con? Chris Walla was one of the potential engineer/ producers. He also had a studio so he sort of set the criteria. Once we started talking to him about the potential of him getting involved in the record, we just knew he was the right guy. We wanted to use different musicians to work on the album and he suggested Jason [McGeer]. Obviously, they have a long-standing relationship. We knew really early on that we were gonna wanna take a different approach to recording this album. We wanted to basically record at home. We wanted to put the keyboards and guitars and vocals or anything that we would normally do and then have drums and bass added in later in the record. Chris’s opinion was that working with someone like Jason McGeer, who’s so competent, wonderful and amazing and talented and had a relationship with Chris Walla, he just thought it that it’d be the easiest person to bring in on the project. So it was a really easy decision.
ION MAGAZINE 39
CULTURE FASHION
Did you learn anything about Chris Walla that people probably don’t know? We probably learned a lot about him that people don’t know. He’s really an amazing person. I think he’s very humble and very very talented and smart and gifted and kind. He just lives a very humble life and is very good at what he does. He’s very gifted and a really nice person.
FILM MUSIC
Commitment-phobes might get a little scared off by The Con. A lot of relationship issues are put out there like commitment, marriage, being faithful. Are you at the point in your life where you wanna settle down? I don’t think so. How old are you right now? Twenty-six. I think that I have moments where I think that I’m ready. Then I have moments where I’m not. It’s a battle based on the way that I grew up. I see relationships as being fluid and they change. Sometimes you’re feeling it and sometimes you’re not. To meet someone, marry them and stay with them forever till the end, I don’t necessarily feel that way. Even if I did I think that way, I always like to analyze and turn things over in my mind. I think that, especially with songwriting and art, sometimes the things that you feel and say, those are the late night thoughts that go away when you get up in the morning. They’re not necessarily the things that you live or stand by. Did you experience a quarter-life crisis at 25? I don’t think I experienced a quarter-life crisis but I definitely feel an intensifying sense of responsibility, realizing that I was entering my late-20s. It’s all over now. It’s all downhill now.
ION MAGAZINE 40
“Back in Your Head.” I wanted to ask about the lyric “I’m not unfaithful but I’ll stray.” What are you trying to say there? It’s funny. I’m not trying to be purposely vague. Part of what I like to do when I’m writing lyrics is leaving things open for interpretation. A lot of people hear that song and think it must be about cheating. I think that when I was writing the line it was more from a psychological standpoint. When you first start dating someone you’re very intense with them. Little or nothing else matters. It’s my own personal thought
about when you’re in a long term relationship you reach a point psychologically, at least for me, where my thoughts, my brain and my intensity will stray to other things, not necessarily even to a person. The last song on The Con is a faint reminder to your former acoustic folk-pop days. Do Tegan and Sara still perform unplugged? We pretty much always have played indoor shows and sit down shows. We don’t think in terms of genre. We’ve never felt comfortable classifying ourselves as a rock band or a pop band or a folk band. We really think of ourselves as just songwriters who use whatever sort of instrumentation that is attractive at the time for when we’re building these songs up. Sometimes I guess our songs can be described as one of these genre titles or whatever. We still love to play acoustically, I also love to play with a band, we love to play in theaters. I would hate to ever only do one thing or the other or only play one way. I love being capable of doing a huge rock show and then being able to pick up three acoustic guitars and go do an instore and sit in front of a bunch of kids and play 20 songs acoustically and have them sound just as good. I think it challenges our brains. To me, always, for our project anyway, I feel like if a song can’t fascinate people with just one guitar acoustically then it’s probably not a good song. We always have tried to make sure that all the songs are strong enough to be stripped down to just the bare bones. But then also be able to play them confidently with a big group of people and yell and scream and have guitars and bass. I still love to play acoustically and we’re always looking for opportunities to do that. I wanted to ask about a unique piece of Tegan and Sara merch. It’s a Tegan and Sara gym bag. I was curious if you’re planning on giving Lululemon a run for their money? No, God no. The gym bag wasn’t a big seller, sadly. People don’t go to the gym. I guess our fans aren’t gym people. It’s funny, we try to stick to the staples, shirts, hoodies, posters, that sort of thing. But occasionally we’ll branch out and do a specialty run of something. The gym bag, it was alright. But it didn’t fly. So I guess it’s safe to conclude that there aren’t a lot of Tegan and Sara fans running around in Lululemon pants? No. I hope not.
ION MAGAZINE 41
FASHION
BREE,REE
CULTURE
FILM
MUSIC
ION MAGAZINE
42
POSTER ART
Even though Peter Bjorn and John don’t use one, the comma is a totally underrated piece of punctuation you can stick in your stage name. Take Bree,ree (aka Todd Stewart) for example. With four years of making Montreal’s telephone poles look better by screenprinting posters for top notch acts like Comets on Fire, The Constantines, No Means No and Of Montreal, Bree,ree is elevating promotional material to the realm of art by, as he puts it, “using bold colors and glorious lines,” to “depict places in imaginary worlds and creatures doing random things in them.” There’s no need for an exclamation mark in his name as the work speaks loudly enough for itself. www.breeree.com
ION MAGAZINE 43
ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 44
Places Like This Architecture In Helsinki Polyvinyl
We Are The Night The Chemical Brothers Virgin
Ma Fleur Cinematic Orchestra Ninja Tune
Datarock Datarock Cross Justice Datarock Nettwerk Vice This is kind of an odd signing for
It sucks when an album seems stale
Architecture In Helsinki is a six-piece
Though it seems like ages ago now,
Ninja Tune’s long standing Jason
Nettwerk (a label renowned for
before it’s even come out. Sadly that’s
collective from Melbourne who, like
there was a time when Brothers
Swinscoe cooperative, the Cinematic
producing ambient downtempo,
the case with Cross, the debut full-
Peter Pan, refused to grow up. Their
Chemical were the darlings of the
Orchestra, continues on doing what
mainstream house, and rustic folk
length from French dance duo Justice.
sound is a sample/synth happy col-
electronic empire. With their trade-
they do best with their fourth studio
acts), but I think this one will pan
Most of the standout tracks on Cross
lage of cartoon noises, upbeat pop
mark big beats, stunning videos, and
album. Yes, this is wandering cin-
out. Norway’s Datarock, (who hail
have been saturating every hip MP3
melodies, and band camp jams. I
massive live shows, the duo main-
ematic music forged by an electronic-
from the birthplace of Röyksopp and
blog for upwards of six months now.
don’t want to seem like a fun-hater,
tained a solid string of hit singles and
jazz orchestra oozing creativity, rich
Annie), are a major facet of the indie
Consequently, there’s not a whole lot
but this whole chipper, Saturday
albums for a sizeable chunk of the
in sorrowful strings, warm heartbeat
dance/new rave movement. Being as
to this album if you’ve ever used your
morning ramshackle just seems a
‘90s. But sadly, as history repeats itself
bass, possessed but almost pas-
“nu-rave” is NME’s fad of the moment,
computer to download music.“Waters
little childish to me. Then again, aside
over and over again, the instigator
sive guitars, ethereal drums, and
it should give them a decent boost in
of Nazareth” and “Let There Be Light”
from “Rock Lobster,” I’m not much of
becomes the imitator, and Chemical
classic soul singing, all doused in
the short-term. However, once people
have aged like camembert in the sun,
a B-52s fan either (from which you
Brothers ‘07 are struggling to catch
atmospheric effects… so it’s not just
get caught up in the amalgamation
not cabarnet in the cellar. Then there’s
can hear a major influence in the
up. Trippy opener “We Are The Night”
a clever name. Granted, the one pos-
of genres and influences that went
“Phantom,” an epic dancefloor banger
caterwauling of “Hold Music”). When
could have been a outtake from
sible knock against this LP is the jam
into the debut full length from Frederik
built from a sample from a Goblin
I want fun, I listen to Frank Zappa or
1999’s Surrender, while the plonking
doesn’t really tread any new territory
Soroea and Ketil Mosnes, pulling
track in Dario Argento’s Tenebrae,
Tenacious D. These Australians just
“Saturate” simply sounds dated, not
but it’s the Cinematic Orchestra we’re
from disco-funk and glitchy house
which just isn’t as exciting as it was
seem like they’re trying a little too
to mention the overabundance of
talking about here. What did you
to cradle their post-modern Talking
before Christmas. All the new material
hard to be quirky instead of just being
guests suffocating this party. Still, it’s
expect? Death metal? Very few acts
Heads lyricism, Datarock won’t be
on the album is largely forgettable.
quirky and letting the music reflect
not a terrible album by any means.
are given the grace to make the same
going anywhere for a long time. Their
The exception being “D.A.N.C.E.”—a
who they really are inside. It’s nice
“Do It Again” is highlighted by the
basic album till the end of time. If
music is much more open and the
fun little electro-funk number—which
to see them on Polyvinyl, though.
Timberlaking falsetto of up-and-comer
you heard them in any capacity, you
lyrics are just more fun than the debut
is sure to wreak havoc with the band-
Regardless of my prejudices, AIH has
Ali Love, and Fatlip’s “The Salmon
wouldn’t question that statement
of the Klaxons, the unwilling leaders
width on your friend’s website for at
a pretty solid following and I hope the
Dance” is laughably awesome. The
either. When Cinematic Orchestra
of the new rave thing. Granted, the
least the next month. The cries that
album does well for their new label.
block rocking beats are long gone,
brings these song to life, they embody
Klaxons’ subject matter is essential,
were championing Justice as “the
★★✩✩✩
which is to be expected, but this team
all of the greatest qualities music can
if not crucial, but the revolution will
next Daft Punk” which were so perva-
is not going down until the dawn
offer the human soul. I mean nobody
only succeed if it’s more fun than
sive a few months back seem a little
finally breaks.
is bashing Beethoven for only making
the alternative. Datarock is definitely
ridiculous in hindsight. It should be
★★★✩✩
classical. If they are, they’re missing
more fun.
added that this album is an easy 3.5
something very important.
★★★✩✩
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
–Adam Simpkins
★★★★✩
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
if you’ve never heard any of the tracks mentioned in this review. Otherwise. . .
★★✩✩✩
-Michael Mann
Me, Myself and Rye Russian Futurists Upper Class
Kingdom of Fear Shitdisco Fierce Panda
Attack Decay Sustain Release Simian Mobile Disco Wichita
The Else They Might Be Giants Idlewild Recordings
Wagonmaster Porter Wagoner Anti
Long before Weezer and Fountains
Ever since “Hurt” became one of
Maybe it’s because I’m mildly hal-
Besides having a pretty cool name,
lucinating, but this album is way
Shitdisco are totally fucking crazy.
The once side project of the ill-fated
of Wayne became the voice for all
Johnny Cash’s biggest hits, the pres-
too much fun to not play loudly and
Kingdom of Fear is a bit like a fervent
band Simian has since eclipsed the
disenfranchised spazzes, dorks, and
sure has been on for late-career
dance in an “I’m making my own
assault of dance beats, jungle cries
early incarnation and have decided
geeks of the world, They Might Be
reinventions. Neil Diamond did an
music video” kind of way. Compiling
and a really big hit of speed. The
that your house parties don’t have
Giants were busy filling halls with
album with Rick Rubin, Loretta Lynn
hits from their first three albums,
album is not without its problems,
to be teenage beer drinking piss
bespectacled outcasts hanging off
worked with Jack White, and now
the Russian Futurists have made a
though. There are a couple of tracks
ups. Simian notably turned down
their every word. Cerebral, unabash-
Porter Wagoner—the man who gave
sprightly effort of summery-feeling
that are rather monotonous, namely
the original remix of “We Are Your
edly nerdy, and catchy as Carlton Fisk,
us Dolly Parton and took James
beats and horns paired with upbeat
“Reactor Party” and “72 Virgins.”
Friends” by bloggers-are-our-defense-
TMBG amassed a devoted legion of
Brown into the Grand Ole Opry—has
vocals and sampling, showcasing
Actually, if you made a Rapture-
attorneys outfit Justice, but gained
fans with each record released. The
released an album on Epitaph’s sister
the band’s characteristic youthful
Presets hybrid, added said speed
notoriety when the release of it years
Else is a good start for any jaded
label. Reinvention isn’t the right word
abandon in songs like “Science of the
and slapped some dirty Scottish
later became an underground to
mustachioed who might not be ready
for Porter, though, being as the 79
Seasons.” But Me, Myself and Rye is
attitude into the mix, then you would
mainstream hit. James Ford and Jas
to trade in his low-rider bike in for
year-old’s dedication to the original
more rock than that, and differently
have Kingdom of Fear. Either that, or
Shaw soon split from Simian after
a Segway as it tones down the ob-
soul of country, has all but run him
layered in such that it has a more
a really brutal explanation to give.
DJing and producing became more
noxious and focuses more on, you
off contemporary “young country”
human, less electronic-robot element
Illegal raves will be even better with
lucrative and popular. One would
know, cool stuff like relationships
radio, which is more interested in
to it. Everyone likes robots, but don’t
Shitdisco’s new album among them,
expect a Simian Mobile Disco record
and corrupt governments. Surely a
truck hawking, beer swilling party tripe
they get too hot in the summer? Let’s
particularly with the inclusion of “I
to be nine minute tech epics, but the
step sideways from the goofy days of
than authentic artistic expression.
take our clothes off, listen to the new
Know Kung Fu.” It’s one of those near-
longest track clocks in a second shy
“Particle Man” and “Birdhouse In Your
The pared down narrative Wagoner
Russian Futurists and have a pool
perfect dance songs where equal
of five minutes, and this is mostly be-
Soul,” but the Giants have that unique
exhibited here, aptly produced by
party to commemorate the new level
parts electro-punk and Joe Strummer
cause the tune (“Sleep Deprivation”)
talent of being totally sincere and
Marty Stuart, destroys all of that six-
of fun these Toronto lads have brought
yelps are present. Just try and let the
is an eight bar progression instead
unedited, while still maintaining long-
pack and a three-colour flag bullshit
to the fold.
government shut this one down.
of the club standard of four. This is a
lasting integrity.
without even acknowledging its
★★★✩✩
collection of sleek, short bangers that
★★★★✩
★★★★✩
-Patricia Matos
-Patricia Matos
take you to places like the schoolyard
-Adam Simpkins
existence. The odd bits of string parries Porter’s forceful acoustic guitar, gruff voice, and frank, storytelling
front stoop (“I Got This Down”) and
lyricism to afford the kind of simple
the floor of London mega-club Fabric
elegance totally lost on the tits-out
(“Tits and Acid”). Not bad for a group
Shania Twain instant gratification
that turned down the current darlings
crowd. Porter Wagoner is the real
of their genre.
country.
★★★★✩
-Trevor Risk
★★★★✩
Filmore Mescalito Holmes
ION MAGAZINE
(“Hotdog”), Grandmaster Flash’s
45
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46
furious jorge Words Sam Kerr Photography Jason Lang Furious Jorge had a poor temperament. It was a rainy day in August when I saw him last and not surprisingly the poor weather had affected his temperament. Furious Jorge sent me a soggy scowl. “Rain, eh Jorge?” “This damn town.” “Haven’t seen you at work Jorge, did you quit?” I knew full well that he had been fired, but I asked the question anyway. Furious Jorge frowned, and then without saying a word he removed his artificial leg. Gripping it at the ankle he swung the leg like a fishing rod, striking me square in the left shin. I grabbed at my injured appendage and crumbled to the wet ground grimacing in pain. Furious Jorge replaced the metal limb and continued on his way, never giving me another thought. Furious Jorge was a gambler who played the horses. He was a fixture all season. Up in the second grandstand above the finish line, there he was: racing forum under his arm, cigarette between his lips, and Irish walking hat pulled low enough to hide his old grey eyes. To listen, it would seem he hated the track. He made outrageous claims that shady folk rigged the races. Furious Jorge made these same claims every week. Furious Jorge’s only friend was a man named Mustachio Gonzales. Mustachio wore a sparse combover, a bushy grey beard, and large square glasses. When the horses weren’t running, the two men would drink espresso and play backgammon all weekend. Aside from the occasional Spanish expletive in response to a particularly unlucky roll,
their silence would go unbroken. Furious Jorge didn’t like talk and Mustachio loved to play backgammon. In silence their friendship flourished. Mustachio Gonzales had won the Argentine national backgammon championship in 1976; against amateur opponents he rarely lost a game. Each weekend Furious Jorge would roll the dice in a losing effort; his lips pressed firmly together. Furious Jorge lived a modest life in a one-bedroom apartment in Chinatown. Prior to losing his job, he would spend most of his meager earnings on alcohol, Chinese food,
gambling, and prostitutes. He loved each of these expenditures except for the prostitutes. He hated the prostitutes. But one-legged men with poor temperaments have a hard time meeting women, unless they are willing to pay. One Friday afternoon at work, in the dead heat of summer, it occurred to me that I missed Furious Jorge. I didn’t miss his attitude, his violent outbursts, or his racist remarks, but instead I missed what he exemplified. Furious Jorge was a deplorable person that led a pitiful life, but in spite of it all he never
surrendered his pride. He repeatedly failed at everything he attempted, but never lost his drive to keep trying. No matter how detestable his opinions were he was willing to fight for them. I would listen to Jorge complain about his life, complain about our society, and complain about everything else; these reprehensible rants cleansed me of my demons. Furious Jorge made me realize that one can’t always be right and one can’t always be wrong, but one can always maintain guts, resolve, and dignity. For that Furious Jorge, I thank you.
HOROSCOPES: AUBREY TENNANT Ever notice that calling the Olympics for disabled people ‘special’ has sort have fucked with the definition of special? It just goes to show we shouldn’t lie to save someone’s feelings because assholes will always keep hurting them anyways. Instead, Leo, your mission this month is to create a campaign that changes the name of the ‘Special Olympics’ to the regular ‘Olympics’, and the regular ‘Olympics’ to the ‘Super Olympics’. — LEO July 23 - Aug 22
VIRGO
Aug 23-Sept 23
Who do you think you are this month, Virgo? And I don’t mean that in a contemptuous way, but really, who do you think you are? Cause whoever you think you are, you will be. You’ll have an uncanny ability to teleport your actions into other people’s body and control them. Have some fun and cause trouble. Be someone like David Duchovny and do something scandalous. Or get someone you like to try and make out with you. It will work.
LIBRA
Sept 24-Oct 23
Supposedly, the role of an artist is to search for meaning in life and share their experiences with others. August is artist month for you Libra. That means you’re supposed to pay excited attention to your life no matter what you do. And believe me, meaning is hard to find. Here is a hint: details, details, details. And what better way to get absorbed in detail than smoking marijuana. Do it. Oct 24-Nov 22
Some of the best books start out boring but end up changing your life. The only book like that, where I wasn’t actually able to get to the good part was Mary Shelley’s Batman. Don’t be like me. Keep going
why it works but it does. Do it once this month. Two would be too much.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21
I know you’re probably not supposed to play favourites when writing these things, but Pisces will be the best this month. They will be the best looking, the smartest, the funniest, and will accomplish more than any of the other signs this summer. Especially if you compare them to the Capricorn. Capricorns suck this month.
Time is money. If you’re trying to make money, that is. Time can actually be anything you want it to be Time is shiny sunshine if you go for a bike ride in the summer. Time is fishies if you’re floating on a lake. Time is reading. Time is friendship. Blah blah blah. My point is you’re good in the money department. Now it’s time to make time be what you want it to. I suggest sex.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 G Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! Crys-tal Meth! G
AQUARIUS
Jan 21-Feb 19
I don’t know anything about Aquarius’ really. I have trouble reading their stars. Sound familiar Aquarius? But don’t fret. People understand you a lot more than you think. To fix this false feeling of isolation simply say these words out loud to yourself, but be warned, you must be alone: “I’m not crazy. I’m really not.” I don’t know
PISCES
ARIES
Feb 20-March 20
March 21-April 20
Sometime in the next couple of weeks, a drunken mariachi band will visit you in your dreams. They will try to convince you that their beautiful music might cure hemorrhoids. Don’t listen to them. What they say is nonsense. They ate the worm. Nothing will cure hemorrhoids except Preparation H and time. It will be a very entertaining dream though.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
Happy Birthday Taurus! Okay, I know it’s not your birthday but you won’t care this summer. It’s party time. You also make some progress on that hobby you started as a child, whether it be gemstones or masturbation.
Aubrey Tennant was birthed and brought up in B.C. His first acting role was in Vancouver film Zach and Avery of Fergus which was an official selection at the Paris/Berlin Rencontres Internationales and won “Best Comedy/Drama” at the Black Earth Film Festival in Illinois. Currently, he hosts a live comedy show at Pianos in NY called Scum and Villainy and is starring in feature length comedy That One Night. www.aubreytennant.com
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
Your personality is in retrograde and so is your hairline. Luckily it’s the one below your panty-line and people who dislike you will now let you sleep with them. How do they know you’re bald down there? You whisper it into their ear. That’s how.
CANCER June 22 - July 22 Last week my sister found a nickel in the diaper of her son. That will be you in August. You’ll travel through a child’s digestion unharmed but end up in a lot of shit. Then a woman will find you and give you to her brother who will buy a transit pass with you to protest the bad bus service this city offers.
ION MAGAZINE
SCORPIO
no matter how boring. You will be showered with happiness and freedom. But more importantly, knowledge.
47
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
HOROSCOPES
COMICS
ION MAGAZINE
48
a c . s p o o ur o y e r a h s
plan B速 is an emergency contraceptive that can prevent pregnancy if the tablets are taken within 72 hours (three days) following unprotected intercourse or a contraceptive accident. plan B速 does not provide protection against HIV/AIDS infection and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). This product may not be right for you. Always read the label and follow the instructions.
Get
from a pharmacist.