Ion Magazine issue 44

Vol 5 Issue 44 • FREE

FELIX DA HOUSECAT THE COLONY FILMMAKERS’ HALO 3 TOURNAMENT THE NATIONAL

PoolTradeshoW presents Purlieu February 12,13,14, 2008

C5, Central Hall, Las Vegas Convention Center

Fashion Freedom WorldWide

www.pooltradeshow.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS 14 Editor’s Letter I’m a computer. Stop all the downloading.

16 Of the Month Games about assassins during the Third Crusade, movies about a font, stores that sell lingerie and an angry looking kitty.

19 ION the Prize 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness The Sam-us Kerrn Affair.

47 Horoscopes Graham Clark is a stand up comedian who possesses the infinite wisdom of the cosmos. He can kill you with his mind or his sense of humour.

Proceed with caution.

48 The Perry Bible Fellowship

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20 T oybox We got a bunch of aspiring photographers wired on Red Bull then set them loose with cameras and weird little toys. Peep the results!

FASHION 22

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Eco-Friendly Fashion Only three dolphins were killed during the writing of this article.

Night Riders This month’s fashion editorial photographed by Gary Fitzpatrick and styled by Gerry Centanni.

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The Filmmakers’ Halo 3 Tournament A.J. and Colin snuck out before we had a chance to pitch our script about a young magazine scribe who solves mys teries in his spare time with sexy results.

The Colony The great thing about short filmmakers is they’re not hesitant to speak their minds.

MUSIC 36 T he National No designated interview subject in this band.

38 Felix Da Housecat He’s in ur club. Mixin’ ur favourite songs.

42 Poster Art: Jack Dylan According to Dr. Dakota Block in Planet Terror, at some point in your life, “you find a use for every useless talent you ever had.” Jack’s useless talent is he’s read a lot of comic books.

44 Album Reviews 45 Five to One: Jazzy Jay He basically invented DJing..

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www.lambfragrance.com

Volume 5 Number 9 Issue 44 Publisher Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editor Photo Editor Art Director Designers

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Patricia Matos Steven Evans Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca

Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Accounts Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Contributing Writers: Nojan Aminosharei, Chad R. Buchholz, Graham Clark, Joseph Delamar, Jessica Grajczyk, Sarah Keenlyside, Sam Kerr, Patricia Matos, Clayton Pierrot, Kellen Powell, Dr. Ian Super, Amber Turnau, Natalie Vermeer Contributing Photographers and Illustrators: Sanaz Afshar, Toby Marie Bannister, Maria Coletsis, Gary Fitzpatrick, Kris Krüg, Marianne Larochelle, Jill Southern ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2007 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Hey wait, do they even sell iPhones in Canada yet?

We don’t care. Just make it happen.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Credits

Art Direction: Danny Fazio, Photography: Fiona Garden for NOBASURA, Styling: Shiva Shabani for NOBASURA, Hair and Make-up: John Hennessy for NOBASURA, Model: Holynde at Richard’s

Clothing: Sweater, Isabelle Dunlop. Available at One of a Few

www.blackxs.com

Available at Sears

The new fragrance

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

FUNERAL FOR A FRIEND Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

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Have you ever lost someone close to you? I’m not talking about a pet or someone you went to high school with but never actually talked to, I mean someone really close. One of those friends where, as the cliché goes, if your entire life was represented as a series of footprints on a beach this friend’s footprints would be beside yours the whole time except during the most difficult moments of your life. However, as it turns out, those difficult times where you thought your friend had abandoned you, this friend was, in fact, carrying you. Have you ever lost one of those friends? I did recently. In fact I’ve lost a few recently. I haven’t been dealing with the loss very well. These friends shared my love for violent movies, obnoxious noisy music and quality HBO programming. What’s better, this friend was always willing to share. If this friend had something, he was over to your place in no-time to share.

These dearly departed friends weren’t human per se, rather they were my favourite sites to download music and videos from. And they didn’t really die per se, but lawyers from organizations

with initials for names shut them down. I said these friends carried me through the difficult times, that much was true. When the label refused to send us the top-secret advance album, Oink. cd was there and we were able to download it in under 10 minutes. When I had 30 minutes to kill, TV-Links.co.uk was there with the latest episode of 30 Rock. When I was too cheap to spring for anything but basic cable, Demonoid.org was there with the final episode of The Sopranos an hour after its dismal ending.

Losing someone close to the holidays is always difficult. The same is true for the loss of my beloved websites. Oink was always so giving around this time of year. You could download as much as you wanted and it was no problem. Oink didn’t even want anything back. But the worst part about losing friends like these if you have to go back and start hanging with friends you ditched when you met you better and cooler friends. The first phone call is always awkward as you reach out to those old friends who are slow and unreliable. Those old friends like to pull stupid pranks too. Like just

when you think you’re downloading a movie that hasn’t been released in theatres yet, it turns out this friend renamed the most depraved porn you can imagine Juno or I’m Not There.

I just want to have every album, movie and television program I can think of at a moment’s notice and I don’t want to pay anything. But lawyers keep shitting on my party and shutting down sites that help me achieve this dream. Though it may feel like they’re winning a few battles, the war is ultimately a futile one. Okay, they want to make money, fair enough. Rather than fighting the most powerful marketing tool ever invented they should get with start rolling with the punches and realize there are plenty of lucrative ways to make money outside of selling CDs and tickets to movies. It’s old school thinking and it’s going to be dead soon. Companies can either smarten up or risk perishing themselves. If that mostly unfounded proclamation doesn’t change anyone’s mind, could you just change your ways out of pity for me? I’m running out of friends fast and I’m starting to get lonely. My hard drive won’t fill itself.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

DVD helvetica “Oh fascinating, a movie about a font. Why would anyone care about that?” was the response after we asked this magazine’s Art Director to suggest a DVD pick. It turns out he knows what he’s talking about.“Helvetica is the perfect example of modernist type,” he coolly replies. “It’s constantly been in and out of vogue for 50 years now. But this film isn’t just about a font, rather it’s an examination of design in the 20th century through the design community’s ongoing fascination with Helvetica.” But what really sold us on this film was when he told us that Helvetica is the font used in Scrabulous. You can pick up this DVD bundled with a notebook and a coffee mug from www.veer.com

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DVD flight of the conchords Ever wish you could find two awkwardly handsome, talented guys who would team up and write romantic songs about your potential to be a part-time model, or their imaginary friend David Bowie? Yes you do, and they exist! It’s hard being a folk duo in their native New Zealand, so Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement try their luck at fame and fortune in New York City. The two encounter a creepy, doe-eyed female stalker and rely on their newfound friends to help them adjust to American culture, while trying to find ways to meet hot ladies in the Big Apple. So grab a kebab, come back to my place, and we can watch Flight of the Conchords.

dvd rescue dAwn When Werner Herzog goes to the jungle to make a film, it’s always a good time (evidence: Fitzcarraldo).

Unfortunately, Klaus Kinski died 16 years ago so instead Herzog enlists Christian Bale, the best actor in the world. The two team up to tell the incredible and true story of Dieter Dengler, a Navy pilot shot down and captured 40 minutes into his first mission over Laos at the start of the Vietnam War. What follows is a six-month triumph of the human spirit when faced with captivity, torture and starvation.

With fantastic supporting performances by Steve Zahn as Duane and Jeremy Davies as Gene, all this one’s missing is a scene where they drag a steamboat up a hill. Oh and just a head’s up, this is a Herzog film so those aren’t fake bugs Christian Bale’s eating.

dvd paprika In a world where police detectives look like Tom Selleck and mind-boggling dream sequences are played out just like the ones in your own twisted little head, here comes Paprika to mess you around a little more. In director Satoshi Kon’s (Millenium Actress) newest film, psychologists and bizarre genius technicians have created a way to observe the minds of their patients during dreams, but not without the requisite problem of a power struggle.The animated landscapes are near photographic while seamless motions give way to the constant chase to find who has gotten into the dream world. This leaves the young, nymphlike therapist Paprika as the only person who can save these patients from jumping off of buildings.

And you thought snoring was a problem.

game game Guitar Hero 3: assassin’s creed Legends of Rock It’s the year 1191 and The Third Crusade is raging Guess what? Battling Slash and Tom Morello are the newest additions to the nerdy Guitar Hero parties you know you have. No more playing “Sweet Child O’ Mine” alone, thanks to Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock. More songs, more challenges and more reason to not get up and shower in the morning or go to work. The catalogue of tunes is solid, featuring a re-recorded version of “Anarchy in the U.K.,” and the graphics are forgiving of the rockers’ old ages. But back in your day characters were small, rotund and pixilated. And the new wireless Les Paul guitar will make it even easier to fake playing an actual instrument in real life.

on. You’re Altaïr and after getting your ring finger hacked off in a bizarre initiation ceremony, you’re now a member of a secret sect of assassins. It’s cool about the finger though, you get a really neat mechanical dagger to stick in its place. Explore gigantic and historically accurate ancient cities like Acre, Damscus and Jerusalem. Blend in with the crowd or shove people out of the way and watch them shove you back. When your target, a historical figure who’s propagating the crusade, is in sight, sneak up and stab the bastard to death.

Just in time for Christmas!

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EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

store agent provocateur Ladies, seductresses, and drooling voyeurs alike will soon have reason to squeal with glee as the grand opening of Canada’s first Agent Provocateur boutique approaches.Their mission: to ‘sex-up’ the Vancouver marketplace and inspire a little healthy eroticism in prudes everywhere. In addition to the other girly girl shops on Alberni Street, the establishment of this international purveyor of bedroom apparel is sure to entice Vancouver’s high-end retail addicts to this hot little shopping block. The store will surely be a welcome addition to Vancouver’s retail landscape.

1026 Alberni Street www.agentprovocateur.com

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contributor kris Krüg

pets pacha

Kris is constantly challenging himself by shooting diverse subjects from emerging rock bands to dot com execs. With his engaging personality that breaks down the barrier between lens and subject, it only seems fitting that we’d get him to document the filmmakers’ Halo tournament in this issue. Kris treats each person with a gentle hand, allowing the subject to comfortably express themselves. Combined with a calculating eye (and a penchant for cross-processing), the result is a capture of their truest essence—a story of their life in tableau as unabashed artistic documentation whether the subject is out front his downtown Eastside apartment, a fashion model, or a farmer in the back hills of China.

Meet Pacha, king of all he surveys. When you take away the magnifying glass, he looks even more pissed off. Send your animal pictures to pet@ ionmagazine.ca. If we use them we’ll give you a prize that pales in comparison to having your pet immortalized in print.

http://staticphotography.com/

correction In ION 43 the stylist Emilia Pelech, the hair and make-up artist Dana Allan and the model Dani Griffiths were not credited for the wonderful work they did on the Cera Neima Jewellery Design article. The people responsible for the glaring omission were defenestrated and their bodies have been disposed of in the last place you’d ever think to look.

ROCA WEAR Photography Marianne Larochelle The prize this month is a selection of women’s streetwear courtesy of Roca Wear. Initially a men’s sportswear line that was established by hip hop moguls Jay-Z, Damon Dash and Karim ‘Biggs’ Burke, the company has grown to include a stylish women’s line that’s fit for walking down the block or the runway. Constantly changing with the times, Roca Wear is sure to be around long after Jay-Z retires from the game only to make another dramatic comeback, again To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca

ION MAGAZINE 19

CULTURE

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

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Recently, ION and Republic put out a call to photographers for the Toybox competition. The rules were simple. Toys were randomly drawn from the Box. Participants then had to submit a photo which incorporated the toy. Everyone who participated is a winner. Seriously though, here are the real winners.

Photographers (from L to R): 1st Place Ivan Zhao 2nd Place Loe Russell 3rd Place Kyla Day Runners Up Daniel Lim, Jackie Chi & Donna Ng, Geoff Howard, Byron Barrett

ION MAGAZINE

PHOTO Competition TOYBOX

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FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 22

GREEN Party

Eco–Friendly fashion Words Amber Turnau Illusrtation Helen Eady Photography Danny Fazio Stylist Shiva Shabani Save the Manimals: Wear bamboo. Going green isn’t just about saying “no” to SUVs and plastic bags; it’s also about saving the Earth, one soybean-based garment at a time.

There was a time when environmentally responsible clothing could be defined by baggy hemp drawstring pants and a shapeless sack of a top. Thankfully, this is no longer the case. The green revolution has inspired a plethora of labels with killer designs that just so happen to use sustainable methods to produce their clothing.

A quick search on Google will reveal dozens of labels in Canada alone.

“It is a necessity rather than a luxury in today’s society to ‘go green’ whenever and wherever possible,” says Tara St. James designer for Covet, an eco-friendly Canadian label based in both Montreal and New York. “We are lucky to be able to work on a collection we love, therefore we give back by trying to leave a zero carbon footprint from our work.”

Covet works closely with its factories to develop new materials that are not yet common on the consumer markets. Bamboo, soybean, organic and recycled cottons, Tencel and viscose blends, silk and most recently, organic wool, are all materials used in the production of Covet’s clothing.

While the “eco trend” is growing steadily in the North American market, we have a long way to go when compared with Europe.

That being said, the trend of eco-friendly clothing is taking a firm hold in North America.

Earlier this year, the sustainable style showcase

S(eco)nd, debuted at the Pooltradeshow in Las Vegas. S(eco)nd – as in “it only takes a second to change the world” - featured a fresh crop of around 50 Earth-minded designers, including Canadians Velvet Leaf and Nicole Bridger, and noteworthy Americans, such as Linda Loudermilk, Manimal, and Ryann.

“Now, we have an opportunity to lead by example on what is seemingly the issue of our time,” said Mindy Wiener, director of operations for Pool and creator of S(eco)nd. “We recognize that timing is very important in the fashion industry.

We’ve been working to raise awareness for the last few seasons but have not felt like the timing was quite right to take a stand. Now, there is no doubt that (people and) businesses have become more aware and are implementing changes that are impacting the industry.”

Sisters Laura and Becky Carter, who founded Velvet Leaf, believe in being accountable for the way their clothing is produced in terms of both the environment and human rights.Their products are certified with the ECO SKAL seal of approval.

“The main changes happen in the farming process. Cotton is about 50% of the textile market.

Knowing that, it takes about one-third of a pound of pesticides and fertilizers to produce enough cotton for one t-shirt,” says Laura Carter, whose first taste of organics came from her vegetarian parents. “Our cotton is grown without any pesticides or synthetic fertilizers. This helps to reduce damage to the environment, including the plants and all beings that exist upon it. We also use

low wastage dyes and sustainable packaging.”

Fellow S(eco)nd exhibitor, the Loudermilk Institute’s LUXURY ECO Stamp offers up a seal of approval to sustainable companies. The accreditation process evaluates products, manufacturing processes, energy uses, labour practices, environmental impacts, aesthetic design and luxury-quality status.

Meanwhile, former model, Hungarian-born Hanjulka Mandula, is well-known for her organic clothing. She’s taken Vancouver by storm with her high-end lines, incorporating into her designs such unorthodox items as bicycle inner tubes, porcupine quills, skeleton keys and natural gems.

She uses coffee, tea, pumpkin seeds and other organic products to create Earthy lines that are still urban-chic and very much sought after.

Eco clothing labels are now migrating from an esoteric niche market to the mainstream, boosted by a budding global awareness that our consumption is putting a strain on the delicate ecosystems we call home. Let’s hope the trend lasts.

“We are hoping the ‘green trend’ will spread to other brands and become a necessity in production rather than a trend,” says St. James.

“By expanding the market share, consumers will become more educated and aware of their impact on the environment and hopefully reduce their footprints in other aspects of their lives.”

Clothing Credits (next page): Skirt Hajnalka Mandula, Mandula. Scarf Hajnalka Mandula, Mandula. Shirt Covet

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night

riders

photographer // gary fitzpatrick www.garyfitzpatrick.com produced by // vanessa leigh styling // gerry centanni assistant // ken shapkin hair and grooming // jon hennessey www.nobasura.com product // urban experiment www.urbanexperiment.com models // tim dorans www.richardsmodels.com rory walker www.lizbellagency.com devitt brown // the dark

previous page -hoodie // black heart brigade, jeans // model’s own, shoes // model’s own this page - jacket // sean john, t-shirt // marc ecko shirt // morphine generation, jeans // five four -

this page - sweater // duck & cover, t-shirt // true love & false idols, jeans // five four next page - jacket // duck & cover, t-shirt // apartment, jeans // five four

this page & next page -jacket // apartment, shirt // duck & cover, jeans // brown label, hat // gorrin

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC

THE ART OF WAR

The First Annual Filmmakers’ Halo 3 tournamenT Words Michael Mann Photography Kris Krüg

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Halo 3 has ruined my life. I’ve stopped showering, I don’t want to leave my apartment and I certainly don’t want to work. It’s gotten so bad I have Halo anxiety dreams where I’m dodging bullets and can’t find any of the good weapons. I’m not alone, prior to the start of holiday shopping season, Halo 3 has sold 1.8 million units and in the first week, players worldwide racked up 40 million hours of gameplay on Xbox Live, representing more than 4,500 years of continuous gameplay.

Sure you can play online and get your ass handed to you by a bunch of people on Employment Insurance who play the game 12 hours a day. Or you can take my lead and invite two first time directors who had shorts screening in festivals across the country to face the greatest

challenge of their careers, taking me on in a death match. The two rising stars of Canadian cinema who were up for the challenge: A.J. Bond and Colin Cunningham.

A.J. Bond is director and star of Hirsute. In it, A.J.’s character is working on a time travel machine when all of a sudden his future self, who is devoid of body hair, appears and tries to seduce the hairy present day A.J.. Like any good time travel movie, it ties your brain in a knot and leaves you asking: what the hell just happened?

He also produced and edited all the shorts of Jamie Travis.

Colin Cunningham is director and star of Centigrade, a thriller about an abusive piece of trailer trash who is imprisoned in his trailer while

it’s being transported to an unknown location by an unknown figure. As he desperately tries to escape, the tension and temperature starts to rise. It all builds to a final shot, which is truly spectacular and rivals any big studio production.

Colin’s also an accomplished actor with recurring roles in Stargate SG-1, Da Vinci’s Inquest and the upcoming CBC program, jPod. My strategy was simple. Teach them how to play then take them on. To make things more challenging, I’d distract them with alcohol and ask them questions about their films. Colin arrives first and he seems ready to take me on.

A.J. enters next and is suspicious of how much I’ve been playing. Like an addict, I of course, lie.

“Just for a week, but that was weeks ago,” I say.

their screenings I ask Colin how he pulled off the final shot in Centigrade. Turns out it only cost him “two cases of Corona… It’s a $20,000 shot and the guy at Rainmaker worked nights and weekends for four and a half months. He didn’t tell his boss.

It went un-credited ‘til the very end when his boss found out and thought it was very cool. It’s the big money pay off.”

Tuning out the ever-present sounds of machine guns and lasers firing, I asked them both how their festival screenings went. Colin replies first, “The screening sucked. It was like a car accident. But the party after was great.” A.J. was a bit more optimistic and says “In Toronto there was never a short that made me want to die.”

A.J. was starting to get a little too handy with grenades for my liking. So I lobbed a tough question at him and asked if there was a personal story behind Hirsute.

“There are a number different stories going. I’ve been a time travel nerd since I was a kid. I’ve been working on a time travel story since forever. One of the inspirations was when I came out. I thought, what if I met A.J. from two years ago who wasn’t gay? I knew we would not get along. So that’s what inspired it. The film isn’t overtly gay, but there’s a subtext. In Vancouver they didn’t even know so I didn’t even get covered in the [local queer weekly paper].”

With our necks aching, our eyes burning and everyone at a comfortable skill level, it was time for a final, first-to-ten-kills, battle for bragging rights. The enemy of your enemy is your friend. So A.J. came up with a diabolical plan for him and Colin to team up against me. Things were looking dire, but fortunately their alliance didn’t last long, as Colin sniped A.J. two minutes into it. With assault rifles, lasers and rocket launchers ablaze, it was the toughest and most competitive match of the evening. I had run out of questions at this point so there was a tense silence. When the dust had settled, I was victorious, with A.J. a way-too-close-for-comfort, second place, and Colin not far behind. I felt like Apollo Creed at the end of the first Rocky and wanted to declare that there would be no rematch.

Until next film festival season. Defeated, but their spirits still high, A.J. and Colin snuck out. Before A.J. escaped, he left me with a quote that stayed with me and eloquently summed up the tournament: “Michael schooled us.”

PLAYER STATS Colin Cunningham Director and Star of Centigrade www. centigradethemovie. com

Education: Vancouver Film School Notable acting credits: Michael Bates in Zacharia Farted, Major Paul Davis on Stargate SG-1, Detective Brian Curtis on Da Vinci’s Inquest and Steve on jPod Kills: 7 Weapon of Choice: Assault Rifle Final thoughts on his performance: “I feel very good considering I was the underling and the greenest of the bunch. I feel quite good and I’m going to improve and I look forward to improving.”

A.J. Bond Director and Star of Hirsute www. thesiblings.ca Education: University of British Columbia Film School Notable acting roles: Voice of Pepito in Madeline, Young Ernest in Slam Dunk Ernest, Tim in Gary Burns’ Kitchen Party Kills: 9 Weapon of Choice: Rocket Launcher Final thoughts on his performance: “It was about as good as my performance in Hirsute.

Which is to say shoddy. But right at the end it gets pretty good. Just like the film.”

ION MAGAZINE

“Oh only a week, huh?” he replies sarcastically.

They sit down on the couch and I put them against one another so they can learn the control scheme. I feel like a dungeon master leading some non-nerds through their first D&D quest. The two pick up the basics quickly so I step in and start playing and firing questions at them. “In the heavy business environment of the Toronto International Film Festival, what does a short filmmaker do while in town?” I ask A.J. as I tool around in a jeep.

“I try to meet as many people as I can. A lot of people will meet with you and go ‘talk to me in two years.’ They’re really interested to meet you but they don’t ask business questions.” A.J. then goes on to confirm that TIFF doesn’t segregate the short filmmakers from the bona fide celebrities. “Yeah. It’s like there’s Gael Garcia Bernal right next to you.”

Colin looks a little too comfortable so I direct the next question at him and ask what his motivation for wanting to step behind the camera is. “You can only do so much. I don’t know how much longer I can sit and get paid to act. I wanna start branching out into directing in another avenue. I’ve been very fortunate so far.”

“In Hirsute, there’s hairy present day you and hairless future you. Which one is the real A.J.?” I ask as I kill Colin with my trusty shotgun.

“Real A.J. is very hairy,” he confesses. “So yeah, I waxed. I kind of wanted to try waxing sometime anyways so it was a good excuse. It was horrible and it hurt a lot. The worst was how it grew back. It was so ingrown. I would advise against waxing your body and casting yourself.”

Colin is the first person who’s ever been in my apartment that has his own fan club, which is awesome.“It is,” he agrees then starts laughing maniacally as he just killed me. “I can always crash on anyone’s couch anywhere in the world. It’s always amazing, no matter what you do. Big features with critical acclaim... it’s always fucking Stargate that gets brought up every time. Major Davis! In Vancouver it’s off the radar but you go anywhere else in the world and it’s crazy.” He could have it worse though. “I was hanging out Peter DeLuise in France and he gets people on the street saying ‘Do-hug, Do-hug’ to him. I was like, ‘what the fuck is Do-hug?’ They were saying ‘Doug’ because it’s his name from 21 Jumpstreet.”

Amid accusations that I was somehow cheating and candid bitching about the projection quality at

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CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 34

APOCALYPSE HOW

Jeff BArnaby’s ThE COLONY Words Sarah Keenlyside I think any journalist would tell you it’s fucking scary to write about cultures other than one’s own. People get very sensitive. It’s hard to deal with the negative fallout that can result from sticking your neck out and saying something honest and heartfelt and potentially controversial, even when your intentions are good.

Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying people don’t have a right to be defensive when it comes to their identity. Throughout history, countless individuals and whole cultures have been raped and ravaged by others’ hate, ignorance and entitlement. But sometimes I fear that our society has created such a tightly wound atmosphere that people are afraid to speak openly about how they see the world around them. As a result, I think we are losing something very important.

Without the freedom to conduct an honest dialogue about cultural issues, our differences will never actually be addressed and problems will get swept under the rug for eternity.

Apparently the same thing goes for people commenting about their own culture. Native filmmaker Jeff Barnaby says he was met with resistance by some funders, even committees made up of all Native people, when attempting to finance his short film, The Colony. He thinks this is because the main Native character Maytag is a broke-down, foul-mouthed, junkie logger whose mental state deteriorates after his leg gets slashed with a chainsaw on the job and his girlfriend leaves him for his white drug dealer. Let’s just say the character ain’t exactly the Native image favoured in today’s entertainment media.

“I think what happens a lot of the time – via the Oliver Stone syndrome – is that filmmakers bring this caricature of spiritual, new-age, tree-hugging bullshit and try to work that symbol in as plot point to a film, not really concerning themselves with the character of a Native man or woman,” says the Mi’kmaq filmmaker, who grew up in, and after several years absence, again lives in the

Listuguj community in Quebec. “Something that has always bugged me about a lot of cinema with Native folks is they just never really seemed authentic… it always bothered me that a lot of writers and directors were sanitizing Indians for public consumption.”

But the truth of the matter, he says, is quite different. “It’s been the reality of a lot of Native people for the past 30, 40 years, [to be] destitute, and having their life fall apart. It’s kind of socioeconomical and at the same time it’s spiritual, I think. It’s symptomatic of a much bigger, spiritual issue. And it’s not something you can just throw money at. The reserve that I live on is not as poor as when I was growing up there, but the financial gain doesn’t seem to help the spiritual emptiness, you know what I mean? The emptiness that makes people turn to drugs or alcohol or whatever self-destructive behaviour they chose to employ. So money is not really the answer. You just can’t undo 300-400 years of oppression in one or two generations. Right now it seems that we’re in the midst of just acknowledging it.”

Which is why Barnaby felt so compelled to introduce such starkly real Native characters in The Colony – to bring awareness about the actual state of Native culture today, a culture that has been shaped by loss since colonization. “When I initially started making films [in college] there was no Native content in any of them,” he says, “but I kind of got sick of watching it done – I don’t know if ‘wrong’ is the word – but not done authentically. I just wanted to see somebody that I could relate to onscreen.”

He says he wanted to introduce a more “contemporary Indian” in The Colony, and hopefully while doing so, dispel “some of those hippie stereotypes. Indians these days don’t hug trees so much as they cut them down, which in and of itself is an iconoclastic statement in the movie,” he says.

A statement, it seems, that not everybody is

quite ready for. During the first public screening of the film at the Toronto International Film Festival, several people stormed out. “I don’t think people were put off so much as stunned,” he says. “I remember sitting in the floor in the back of the theatre trying to gauge people’s reactions and this guy getting up and walking out – quite a few people actually. It was pretty fucking ignorant because it was during the movie, but these guys were like a bazillion years old. I’m pretty sure one of them had a polka dot bow tie on – need I say more?

“This problem is the reason my movies are pretty bare-knuckled. I don’t want to give an audience who has honed and crafted the art of apathy something that can easily be ignored.”

But it’s important to note that Barnaby strives to inform his audience in a non-didactic way. “I don’t try to make [my films specifically] about Native issues, I make them about personal issues set within the socio-political climate,” he says. “I try and show the person as the person, and make it as authentic as possible and by doing so integrating the language, culture and lifestyle without [the audience] even being conscious of it.”

And it seems to be working. The film has been overwhelmingly well received with 4-star reviews from Montreal newspapers and sold-out screenings at the Festival du Nouveau Cinema.

Another key to his strategy is to make films that appeal equally to Native movie fans as well as non-Natives. “When you watch [The Colony] you kind of get reminded of Taxi Driver or Apocalypse Now,” he says. “There are conscious allusions to these other works. [I did this] to give the audience something to touch base on, [a place where] the Native and the non-Native sensibilities can meet on common ground. It’s funny to think that a Native artist could be influenced by Kafka but why not?”

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 36

ALMOST FAMOUS

The NATIONAL

Words Joseph Delamar Illustration Jill Southern Around the time that George Bush was getting re-elected for the first time, the members of The National were all quitting their day jobs and entering music full-time. This uncertainty, along with a foreboding political climate, led to a startlingly beautiful wall of sound. The National are two sets of brothers, twins Aaron and Bryce Dessner, Bryan and Scott Devendorf and long time friend Matt Berninger. A spirit of urgency occupies the music that melds Matt’s baritone croon with the low-end Mennonite rhythms of the Devendorf’s and the spiralling melody of the twin guitaring Dessners. The low drones and effortless melodies highlight simple vignettes about friends, lovers, enemies and the in-betweens. It’s the soundtrack to pursuit. A daydream at the office that takes me right to lunch.

Following a National live show in support of their latest album Boxer, a security guard with too many teeth, eyeballs me from under the exit sign.

I’m standing, barely drunk, beside the bar waiting.

He licks his florescent lips waiting to pounce. I take a final swill from my beer and make a dash across the ballroom floor. Strewn with broken Boston glasses and forbidden cigarette butts, I see a path in the minefield and take my only shot. I see the band clearing their gear from the stage, the hall near empty. The security guard flinches but does not move. He knows I have a step on him. He retreats and regroups. I safely cross the rest of the distance and toss my hand into Scott Devendorf’s hand. Like a grenade, here is my interview with select members of The National.

“Nice work soldier,” Scott says as he pulls me into friendly territory.“Do you want a beer?” he asks with a hint of mid-West in his speech. He tells me later that Ohio is only barely mid-West, but the allusion is lost on my West coast sensibilities.

“I would love one.”

He disappears into the green room for a moment and returns with two fresh Stellas.

Wearing a black and white zip up hoodie and a

set of (I’m gonna go on a limb and say trademark) large framed tinted glasses, Scott looks a bit like my father looked in the eighties.

“How old are you?”

“Thirty-four.” Exactly the age of my parents in the ‘80s.

“What can you tell me about your move from Ohio to New York?”

“Matt and I moved to New York a few years ago. We were both working in web design at the time. My brother and the twins were playing in a project with some girl. And that didn’t really work out, so then Matt and I started playing with them.

Just on and off really. There was not really a fixed point where we decided to get going. It sort of just evolved.”

“And how did working, sort of, white collar jobs affect the music?”

“It comes out in Matt’s writing. He spends a lot of time working and revising and making notes and leaving them for a while and then revisiting them.

There never seems to be a point, even now, where a piece of work is complete, so to speak. I think a bit of that precise nature of white collar work comes out in the music.”

“What is it like to work with siblings?”

“It’s nice. I mean it’s great most of the time.There is tension, which is good, but not always good.”

The security guard with too many teeth ambushes Scott and I with a carpet bomb of bullshit. He is formidable, but not without weakness. I flash my tour laminate, fresh around my neck and a brisk, “fuck off, bitch!” slips from my mouth like a M-16.

He limps away just as Scott’s phone chirps from his pocket. Scott whispers an apology to me and walks away just as his brother Bryan walks by. Scott grabs Bryan and says,“Interview, now.”

He looks down at me with a ironic grin and says, “Okay interview, lets go.”

“Well, as I was talking with your brother...”

“Yes my brother Scott.” Bryan interrupts. I think he’s trying to fuck with me.

“Yes, Scott and I were talking about a bunch of things. Baseball, the transition from jobs to music as a job.“ “Can I just say something?” Bryan asks.

“Ah, sure.”

“I’m really fucking high right now.”

I laugh and wonder if perhaps if he’s had a taste of B.C.’s finest. But then it doesn’t really matter. Bryan and I slip into an awkward conversation about literary mechanics. He argues for plot and I argue for character. It’s a stupid argument we both regret entering, but it’s a segue into an idea I’ve had for a while.

“I’m thinking of writing a book about The National.”

“Well there would not be much of a plot.”

“Well I’m about character anyway.”

“Listen,” he slurs, “I know what your getting at, but you’re wrong. There has to be structure in the narrative and that comes from strong plot. Okay!

Plot! Okay!”

The night starts getting a bit foggy. Beer makes the body rosy; the mind foggy. The room empties and Bryan wanders off for a better plot. I wander around backstage furiously writing notes on my notepad. The room starts floating and I’m getting nauseous. I look down at my drink and then up.

There is a queer aftertaste to the liquid in my longneck. I look up and see the security guard with too many teeth standing over me. He grins with a thousand teeth that look like bullets. Everything goes black and sideways.

I fall into a cold, dark alley crammed with weeks of piled garbage. A tour bus tank fills the deep crevasse with intoxicating emissions. Warm blood drips down my face. In the swirl of white exhaust I see in the foreground the silhouette of Matt Berninger. The next thing I know, Matt is forcing his hand into mine, pulling me up, introducing himself and offering to be interviewed.

“You and Scott worked in graphic design, office jobs essentially.”

this interview.”

“In the age of the playlist, how does it feel that your music exists alongside music distinct in nature such as Toby Keith or Akon or Celine Dion.”

“I’m assuming you’re talking about your playlist,” Matt laughs again.“Well, I guess if that’s a way for people to get ahold of the music then that’s fine with me.”

“So that doesn’t sound like a travesty to you?”

“Not really, what I want is a listener who has compassion and listens and loves the music for itself. Politics, social issues etc. aside. That mundane element that you spoke of earlier, it’s how the listener reacts that’s important. Not what he/she is listening to.”

“I was arguing with Bryan earlier about character versus plot. Any thoughts Matt?”

“I’m gonna say probably character.”

“And what would you say about a book on yourselves.”

“Well you might need to find a plot and character,” he laughs.

“Do you think I might manage a novel on The National?”

“Perhaps a novella? Send me a first chapter and a treatment and I’ll tell you if it can be authorized or not.”

“Thanks for talking with me tonight and saving me from that security guard” “No problem. Thank you.”

I stumble off into the evening with victory hanging in the air. Assuming I don’t need anymore liquor, I wander home with the triumph of my quest firmly in-hand. But I’m wounded. And there will be many more pursuits. The artillery of modern malaise will start shelling again soon. Tomorrow it’s back to the office. The world starts again tomorrow and I have no clue as usual. And The National drive off into the night, signing treaties with the bored and beautiful.

I love war.

ION MAGAZINE

“Yeah, we all worked jobs that informed what we do as a band, or whatever. We just worked in the city until this thing started growing legs and then we quit our jobs and started doing this full-time. When this thing fades out we’ll go back to our jobs. But probably not those ones,” Matt explains.

“Do you make music because you have to, or because you want to?”

“I would say a little of both. Things just sort of happened so we went with it. But things can change immediately. We’re just sort of riding the wave as all great art, not saying we’re great by any means, but that is what we’re doing. We’re sort of along for the ride across America, and Canada.”

“Sorry about all that hassle at the border.”

“It’s not your fault,” he laughs.“It’s just the ridiculous nature of politics. We had heard about one border guard who loves to target bands. I think we got him.”

“It’s sort of the arbitrary nature of security.”

“Well you sort of saw that first hand trying to get

37

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC

PRESS PAWS

Felix Da Housecat Words Trevor Risk Photography Fiona Garden

ION MAGAZINE 38

Felix Da Housecat is the best DJ in the world. To be fair, this is a statement that has little effect on the day-to-day operations of the planet. DJ rankings only seem terribly important to party girls, members of organized crime and the aptly titled thedjlist.com. However, when performed with the proper mix of taste and math, a great DJ can make a clubgoer feel like he or she is at the apex of culture, if just for one song. Felix Stallings (his Christian name) creates a level of late night bliss with the kind of charisma and confidence of any pop star since the ‘80s. He mixes in pop music better than 2 Many DJs, he produces better songs than Diplo, and he doesn’t trainwreck like a certain Steve Aoki. Felix cranks out LPs unlike any of his counterparts, and we’ll all still listen to him when we’re old and listening to songs instead of “bangers.”

When I was a 20-year-old club hopper with weird hair and spent my cash on booze and tight clothes instead of RRSPs, I saw Felix Da Housecat roll into town with several crates and a smile that was so wide and bright that it may have been the only visible point of light in the club. My girlfriend and fellow member of the painted-on-pants brigade at the time blew him a kiss and he ran over

and smooched her in a way that was real enough to make her blush, but not so rough that it made me jealous. The crowd was amped, and he effortlessly made nearly a thousand nightlifers drop their jaws and shake parts of their bodies that I had yet to discover. I knew then that making several hundred people cheer for songs that I didn’t write was a skill I needed to master. Did he actually play Nitzer Ebb’s “Join In The Chant?”

Now I’m a little older and have heard and opened for enough worldly DJs that I expected very little of his current abilities. His new record is good, and he’s remixed huge stars since I saw him the first time, but how could he compare to his former self? I was a wide-eyed teenager when I heard him years ago, and thinking back I realize that he was only the third or fourth DJ I’d ever heard. He’s probably not going to impress me.

He’s just going to play tracks I’ve heard a million times, and I’m going to want to leave by his fourth song. I wished that I was at home watching the day’s sports highlights and getting a decent night’s sleep for the first time in a week.

I walk in the bar and Felix is already DJing. The crowd has their hands up in the air and are punishing the dancefloor with their feet and attack-

ing the air with shouting and claps. I’m supposed to be talking with my friend about how attractive house girls are, but I can’t help letting my ears wander. The speakers aren’t pointed at me, and I desperately need to go feel the buzzsaw synths and pounding sub bass. The cuddly-looking party boy we’re all here to see is pointing his fingers in the air and I could probably see him winking at clubbers if not for his glitzy sunglasses. Okay Mr. Stallings, you’re the only one I’ve ever seen get away with wearing those inside... and at night, no less. I’m the only person not dancing, but I’m smiling more than him. I’m listening to and watching his performance, and suddenly I’m 19 again, feeling the overwhelming rush of being a newly urban, fresh-off-the-farm kid who never wants to go to bed before five. Why did I doubt him? Fifteen minutes of standing in the middle of a raging dancefloor without getting down gets thrown some puzzling looks my way from the short-skirted dancers and the owners of the bar, but I’m happier than I’ve been in a club for years. I’ve got what I want, and now it’s time to tread home, remembering to send a nostalgic text message to my ex-girlfriend along the way.

“He the best. Just the best.”

ION MAGAZINE 39

CULTURE

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

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40

The next day I’m supposed to meet Felix in a local hotel lobby that’s sadly attempting to be hip and swank at the same time. I’m warned by his management that he’s sick from alcohol poisoning and isn’t interested in being prodded by media.

“Keep it short,” I’m instructed. My photographer is wildly setting up lights and tripods while I’m running over in my mind how to get him to warm up to me once we’ve started. Felix walks in with a half-smile but suddenly looks disgusted with the Norwegian carbonated water that’s been provided for him.

He’s wearing a hoodie, and I fight the urge to hug him like I would a life-sized stuffed animal. He eyes up my photographer who’s probably too good looking for her own good. Pretty girls always make situations easier.

When we start chatting I make sure to ask him about his pop sensibility and why he’s one of the few artists to make the crossover between club music and verse/chorus songs, especially considering he had his start in the Chicago house scene.

“When I was 14, everyone was doing house tracks, and now they all sound the same. I thought the way I’m going to be different is I’m going to incorporate songs into my tracks. People think this album Virgo Blaktro and the Movie Disco is the first that’s song based, but even Kittenz and Thee Glitz sounds like dance tracks, but also like songs you can listen to at home. It stopped me from sounding like everyone else, and stopped me from being bored of doing it.

Everybody likes songs. I can’t see myself listening to ‘In The Dark We Live’ by Aphrohead (one of his many monikers) 10 years from now.” Continuing, Felix describes his taste for contemporary dance music with the tone of a seasoned veteran of the arts. “I was with Digitalism [current Kitsune-signed German electronic duo] the night before and I told them that the reason I like them more than Justice [current Ed Banger-signed French electronic duo] is Justice sounds like Daft Punk without the robots.

They don’t sound original to me at all. Everything

Digitalism makes sounds original to me with no samples. I mean, I could hear myself listening to them years from now”.

Felix is tired, but I’ve pre-heated his oven enough now that he’s become comfortable with the interview, and will later tell me how easy the whole thing was. Possibly feeling a little guilty, he attempts to explain to me why he’s tired, sick, and in dire need of a vay cay. I ask him what he hates about DJing, and I get a full demonstration of why the world will

schedule is easy!”

Electroclash is probably the only genre to have been born and have died in the same year, and possibly the same summer. Felix was one of only two artists, along with Montreal’s Tiga, to have survived a silly sub-genre based more around cocaine and the recesses of the minds of ex-ravers than a sound or ethos. My theory for the two’s survival is they were the only ones not writing songs about lipstick and high heels, and when I present my idea, I leave the interviewee clutching his sides with laughter. “Tiga’s clever.

He’s been around longer than people think. When a new trend comes around – like electroclash, nu rave, wild pitch – and that dies, you die with it. Look at the eighties. The only people to survive new wave were Prince, Madonna, Michael Jackson, and Duran Duran... barely! The people who died were Spandau Ballet, Soft Cell and all the one hit wonders because I guess they got caught up in all the hype. I’m very curious as to how the [Mercury Prize winning] Klaxons’ sophomore record is going to be, because if they get caught up in all the nu rave hype and it dies, I hope they can adjust, because I really like them as a band, and the media labels you. I think that Tiga just does his own thing because he’s really clever and smart. He’s been DJing since day one, he knows what’s hot and what’s not, and knows how to push it forward.”

We spend the next few minutes discussing the merits of Giorgio Moroder and John Carpenter’s work in scoring and cinema. I feel that the one synth note in Halloween when Michael Myers kills his first victim is one of the most badass sounds ever, and he’s more stoked on Escape from New York. Realizing we’re sidetracking, the publicist tells us to wrap it up, and I jab at Felix with one more question.

“Are you tired of the nightlife?”

“Tired? Every time I try and walk away, it drags me back in, just like The Godfather. I love the nightlife. I’m a vampire dude.”

Don’t sleep Felix. We need you.

“Justice sounds like Daft Punk without the robots. They don’t sound original to me at all.”

ION MAGAZINE

not let him sleep. “I’ve been going non-stop since 2001. You know, you party all night, you wake up, and you get on the plane hung over at 11 in the morning. This is my first day off in God knows how long. Then, for some reason, [my publicist] decided to put me through this on my day off! You’re gonna freak out when I show you this real quick.” He proceeds to whip out his iPhone and go through his schedule for the next several months. Baltimore, Brazil, Dubai, all with no rest in between. “So you can understand when I’m crabby. I’m not crabby now though. That’s the hard thing about DJing though. You pray for that day off. It’s hard waking up and getting on that plane. The fun part is you can forget about it while you’re at the party. Look at my schedule, and then look at someone like Tiësto! His

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FASHION

jack dylan

CULTURE

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

42

POSTER ART

Being into comics and knowing a bunch of poor musicians could be a hinderance for some. Not Montreal’s Jack Dylan. What started as a way to promote drunken loft art/rock shows has turned into a successful gig doing posters for some of today’s most eclectic acts when they come through Montreal. “My style is very comic. Usually in both senses of the word,” Jack explains. “I’ve always loved covers, but I was always disappointed when I opened a comic or a book, and saw that its insides looked very little like the beautiful artwork that adorned it. By doing posters, I get to concentrate on what I feel is the best part of a comic.

Creating one image, which can only allude to a greater story behind it. And they can be very enticing that way, because the viewer is never getting the full story. Only a hint.” If you’re not lucky enough to be able to rip one of these pulpy comic gems off a lamp post, you can pick up some of Jack’s work from his website for only $5 a pop. Blammo! www.jackdylan.ca

ION MAGAZINE 43

ART FASHION

FILM Attacks! Prairie Cat Fuzzy Logic

Minogue. She could pinch a loaf into

Hexes for Exes Moving Units Metropolis

a jewel case, slap a $16.99 sticker

What happened here? Did half of the

songs that make no case for listening

about music. I mean I know about it.

on it, and I would still buy it, jam it

album just go by without my noticing?

to them a second time. The songs

good in theory. Rise Above is a “re-

I’m aware of its existence and I have

into my stereo, and dance around to

Okay fine, that was kind of harsh. Hexes

are pretty in that post-Pavement kind

imagining” of Black Flag’s Damaged,

a really firm concept of what it is,

whatever noises came out. Why this

for Exes is the Moving Units’ follow-up

of way, but the production is under-

which means it should only be good in

but I’m not particularly qualified to

intense and, let’s face it, somewhat

to their stellar 2004 album Dangerous

whelming with the mixing coming

theory as well. However, as it turns out,

analyze it. However I am also not an

off-putting level of love? Because her

Dreams. It still has the same sense of

across as amateur. There are, however,

the anti-establishment sentiment and

upscale fashion photographer that

songs have that sort of infectious

urgency and swooning good times in

two reasons this album is fantastic.

screechy social themes of punk aren’t

hosts ironic cocktail parties in his loft

disco kitsch that invariably leads to

songs like “Paper Hearts,” as well as

One, Prairie Cat consists of one little

as barren as the music would lead you

or condo. As far as I can tell, that is

either a lyric-miming dance-off or a

the frantic drumming and punk-tinged

Indian (not actually an Indian) named

to believe. I’m sure Dave Longstreth

the type of person that would listen

ravenous half-regrettable make-out,

dance beats that make the Moving

Cary Pratt. Prairie Cat is Cary Pratt,

would disagree, but as far as I’m

to this album. I can see myself with

which are pretty much what dance

Units so impossibly good. Look, we

and spoonerisms are delicious (so

concerned this is an elaborate expan-

my nice furniture entertaining models

floors were made for. Kylie’s tenth

got off to a rocky start, Hexes for

delicious that I want to eat up the

sion on the source material. If you like

and telling them about a cool and

studio album, X, doesn’t skimp on that

Exes.“Dark Walls” sounds more like

literary usage with my spork and

Black Flag you might be a little put off

hilarious new album of karaoke cov-

trademark verve. Comeback single “2

Joy Division than Interpol tries to be,

foon). The second reason this album

by Mr. Longstreth adding otherwise

ers and then putting it on my stereo.

Hearts” isn’t the electropop anthem

and you should be proud! “Kings and

is capital is the album artwork. It is

absent musical and emotional dimen-

It would be a super nice stereo, but I

fans were expecting, but it reflects

Queens of Nothing” goes a bit deeper

most likely the best record cover of

sions to their angry writhing. His talent

would have it sitting on a shelf made

a refreshing new direction. Other

than just an electro dance track; its

the year. Imagine its glossy front star-

for arranging deceptively traditional

of cinder blocks and two by fours

tracks decidedly recall the electronic

sinister melody and air of despair tug

ing at you from a shelf covered in

components into an entirely unique

because I would be hip like that. What

and Europop influences that marked

at you as you plead for more. Plus,

cookie-cutter rap albums and try-hard

whole has never been more obvious

I am saying is that this album is only

2001’s Fever. Together, it adds up to a

you’d be totally heartless not to like

indie artistic attempts (I’m looking at

than when he’s re-imagining a set of

slightly more interesting than those

ridiculously good dance album—the

the My Bloody Valentine turn of a

you Motion City Soundtrack.The graphic

songs that superficially don’t share any

compilation “chillout” CDs they sell

kind that makes any sidewalk, hallway,

song,“Hearts Departed.” I’m sorry we

work on Even If It Kills Me is throw-up

qualities with his originals. Sorry punks!

at HMV. Even though this is supposed

and aisle just as good as a dance

quarreled.

worthy on its own, so why add a mega

I love you, but your music is shitty!

to be a kind of joke/concept album,

floor. In fact, X may very well be the

Anyway, putting all the unfair compari-

it just feels like Midnight Mike can’t

medley to which my bride will walk

★★★✩✩

ION MAGAZINE

MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

Rise Above Dirty Projectors Sonic Unyon

Midnight Karaoke Midnight Mike Republic of Desire

X Kylie Minogue Emi

Punk music, even (especially?) the

I don’t really know anything important

raw noisy West Coast variety, is only

sons aside, it’s a fantastic album in its

decide if he wants this to be fun or if

down the aisle dressed like a 1980s

so until someone buys me a similarly

own right. The Dirty Projectors improve

he’s actually taking the chillout vibe

Russian prostitute made of candy. Of

wicked stuffed tiger of my own for my

melodically, structurally, and technically

seriously.

course, I imagine Kylie to be the bride,

birthday… December 30th.

★✩✩✩✩

and I assume she’d want her dress to

★★★✩✩

44

★★★★✩

with every release, and Rise Above is a high point in the already great Dirty Projectors catalogue.

–Kellen Powell

All right! I admit it: I love Kylie

match the song she was singing.

★★★★✩ –Nojan Aminosharei –Clayton Pierrot

–Patricia Matos

This mildly interesting record is seven

ugly chick on top of it?). I like looking at this album, and may continue to do

–Trevor Risk

Girls & Weather The Rumble Strips Universal

BRING ON THE COMETS VHS OR BETA ASTRALWERKS

La Cucaracha Ween Rounder

There’s been a few Rumble Strips/Dexys

This is the album for that sad dance

father of a girl that you dated, you’d

Midnight Runners comparisons tossed

party on the night you discover you

stay with her for a few years, if only

about, and there’s no question singer

will not be reuniting with someone for

to go to her house for dinner once

Charlie Waller calls to mind a more

whom you have been waiting to come

a month. Dad starts the night by

wild-eyed Kevin Rowland. When you

home. You skip track four because it

showing you how to drink. He then

pile on all the exuberant horn blowing,

should be on a teen movie soundtrack

smokes a joint just before taking you

piano tickling, and drum rumbling hap-

instead but otherwise you start

to the garage to show you his new

pening behind Waller as he bugles on

wondering as you listen if this album

mini-cycle all the while talking about

about alarm clocks, boats, and motor-

was written for you on this night. Have

the oldies and how new country

cycles, it’s difficult to erase those dirty

you heard all these songs before?

blows. At dinner your girl strokes your

sandals-and-overall-wearing ‘80s skids

You wonder if it will mean anything to

thigh while father carves the roast

from one’s mind.This is fine and good

you tomorrow.

and glances over knowingly, and she

except that none of the songs on Girls

★★★✩✩

and Weather are capable of the emo-

–Natalie Vermeer

If Ween’s La Cucaracha were the

continues. Imagine now, that SHE is now Ween—La Cucaracha. You drive

tional resonance wrought from even the

home and along the way she nuzzles

thousandth spin of “Come On Eileen.”

into your shoulder, eventually

It’s same-y and unwaveringly upbeat,

surrendering to sleep, but you don’t

and while panning something for be-

see the cat! It’s too late! Crash! Forget

ing too enthusiastic seems like a bit

the brochure; you’re caught between

of a miserable way to slag off a record

heaven and hell. Eventually you’re

that is, by most gauges, well crafted,

drawn upwards. You call her dad to tell

it’s difficult for me to think of a reason

him that everything is okay, not to be

for listening to this. Girls and Weather

sad, and that you’re carrying on the

is sort of the musical equivalent of that

great evening, forever. This album is your next road trip and dinner party rolled into fun.

ship actually stayed that way forever: it’s

★★★★★

admirable, but tiresome, obnoxious, and ultimately uninteresting.

★★✩✩✩ –Chad R. Buchholz

TO

ONE

DJ jazzy jay Who has the most records of any DJ in the business with five hundred thousand? Who thinks that Russell Simmons took more from hip hop than he gave? Who was sitting on his mother’s fence in the Bronx when he heard Grand Wizard Theodore invent the scratch? Who did ION see laughing his head off when a Toronto hobo walked down Queen Street with a pumpkin on his head and a harmonica taped to a stick sliding it in and out of the mouth hole? There’s only one answer. Jazzy Jay is the most party rockin’ guy on the planet, and we encourage anyone to high-five him when he’s around. His grin and his skills are unmatched, and this month we’re humbled to have the man

–Dr. Ian Super

himself scribble down the best songs he’s got with one tacked on for classic hands-up shoulder shaking.

ION MAGAZINE

girl and guy you knew from back home whose unwaveringly platonic relation-

FIVE

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46

THE OUTSIDE MAN Words Sam Kerr Photography Sanaz Afshar “Hey, do you want to make some money?” Beggar Jim says to Steve.

“I found something valuable in Blood Alley. Nobody trusts us street people, if I return it they will think it’s a fake. But, you look like a good guy, you could collect the money. The man won’t give rewards to people that live out here with the pigeons, understand.”

“Reward? What did you find?”

Steve says.

Beggar Jim signals towards Blood Alley and starts to walk. Steve reluctantly follows.“I got to know this guy that has been spending a lot of time down here lately. He is mixed up in the junk, I’ve rigged up with him a couple of times. He said he worked at an art gallery.”

Beggar Jim points towards a small dirty window hidden behind a dumpster and says,“Look in there.”

Steve cups his hands around his eyes and presses them against the glass. He sees a man lying prone on the floor with tubing tied around his forearm. His glassy eyes are set on the far wall. Steve follows their gaze across the room and sees a painting.

“That guy told me that his work was driving him crazy.” Beggar Jim says, “He kept talking about some painting that he needed to see while he was high. I never thought he would take it. I came down here this morning and found him like that. I think he might be dead. That painting killed him.”

Steve looks up at beggar Jim. “That painting is by Salvador Dali. I read in the paper that someone stole it from the art gallery two nights ago.

That junkie must have done it... That is a priceless piece of art.”

“If it’s priceless, there must be a way to get some money for it,” says beggar Jim. “We should go in there and get it, then you can turn it in to the gallery when it opens tomorrow.

You’ll be a hero.”

“The paper said that the reward was $20,000.” Steve says with a pause.“We split it 50/50.”

Beggar Jim leads Steve around the side of the building and they enter through a fire exit. After a short series of corridors the two men find the room. Steve approaches the body and places two fingers on his neck to check for a pulse. “He’s dead, and there are bruises here on his neck... I think this guy was murdered.”

Beggar Jim slips the painting off the wall and into a garbage bag. He hands the bag to Steve and says, “Take the painting to your place and keep it safe. Once you have the money, we will meet at the Gassy Jack statue and split it. Don’t bother trying to screw me out of my share, I know where you live and I’ll be watching you.”

Steve walks home thinking happily of what to do with his newfound wealth. Eager for morning, he enters his apartment and lays down to sleep. Hours later Steve wakes to pounding at his front door. He opens it and sees four uniformed police officers.

“Mr. Steven Jacobsen, this is a warrant to search your home. A man claims to have witnessed you murder the former curator of the Vancouver Art Gallery and take a painting. We don’t believe him because he is a vagrant, but protocol indicates that we have to follow up on the search.”

Steve’s face goes pale.

HOROSCOPES: GRAHAM CLARK You know those times when you wake up in a panic and realize you didn’t finish something really important and instead spent your time perfecting your keg stands? You know that feeling when your stomach is tied in knots just imagining the consequences and just before you deliver a poorly constructed excuse, you realize you have finished said project without even realizing it? Today will be the exact opposite of that. — Sagittarius Nov 23 - Dec 21 ARIES

March 21-April 20

Aries, talk about celebrity company! Your dynamic sign is shared by the likes of director Francis Ford Coppola, talk show host David Letterman, and Astronaut James Lovell. Bet you think,“It’s good to be Aries!” Well watch yourself. Ever hear of Rosie O’ Donnell? What about Fergie? And who was that other guy…oh yeah, Hitler. Think about it.

I know I have.

TAURUS

April 21-May 21

You will meet some new and exciting friends.They will pull you out of your slump where you’ve spent nights watching the full series DVDs of Dharma and Greg. You have arrived.That is until they begin discussing their favourite characters from High School Musical and you feel so old your eyes turn to dust.

GEMINI

May 22-June 21

You’ve got to get your shit together Gemini! Putting dishes in the tub just because you ran out of room in the sink isn’t for adults. Don’t even get me started on the dishes on the lawn. Sorry. I lost my head there. I just wanted a clean glass without all the effort of cleaning one out. We cool?

June 22-July 22

You will be asked to write horoscopes for a magazine you’re not completely sure exists. When asked you are naturally flattered and accept.

Beware! You have no idea what you’re doing. Who are you to write the future? What if you write the

Leo

July 23-Aug 22

Sure, shoplifting seems glamorous. All the greats have done it, from Leonardo to Gauguin to ODB. This is your time to call on your five little friends for the discount you deserve. Start small. Nothing looks worse than an amateur stealing a hibachi on their first try. Remember what Rimbaud said – “a stick of gum, a plum, or sample sized rum!”

VIRGO

Aug 23-Sept 23

Virgos, no one will tell you this but me. We’ve been friends for a while so I feel comfortable telling you this. Lately, you’ve been walking around like your shit don’t stink. You know what?

You’re correct. For some reason, Virgos are some fragrant motherfuckers.

LIBRA

Sept 24-Oct 23

Sometimes letting someone figure out the right answer is more effective than simply telling them.To wit, when confronted by your boss at work, you will: A. pull a ninja- vanish B. pull a Baldwin C. pull the fire alarm D. pull your pants up and realize that a belt isn’t just a luxury, but a necessity.

scorpio

Oct 24-Nov 22

You will be recognized for your talent and swagger at home and abroad. Fans will flock to you

whenever your name is mentioned. You will blow everyone’s mind when you play “Rock You Like A Hurricane” on the second encore. Oh wait, that’s Scorpions.

Capricorn

Dec 22-Jan 20

Don’t panic! Think back to your training! One wire will detonate the bomb, the other will send you home with a badge of courage. Which one was it? Red you’re dead? Yellow we’re mellow? Don’t panic. Think back to your training. You will face challenges today. Dinner with friends will bring about revelations.

AQUARIUS

Jan 21-Feb 19

Hey there Aquarius. What’s with you and puzzles?

What’s the point? There’s a picture of the finished project on the box. There’s no surprise whatsoever.

That Ricky Martin poster puzzle you found? When it’s finished, guess what it’ll look like…Ricky Martin!

Aren’t you glad you read this and saved your time?

PISCES

Feb 20-March 20

You will see a movie based on a book that you haven’t read. When asked what you thought of the movie, you will say “I liked the book better, the detail was far more vivid when written.” Pretty douchey. Douchey like a fox!

ION MAGAZINE

cancer

future incorrectly, and it affects the past too, and you were never born? Just say no.

Graham Clark hosts the Laugh Gallery every Wednesday @ Rime1130 Commercial Dr., which shall resume in December.

Say hi at www.wannabo.com Photo by Maria Coletsis

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS

HOROSCOPES

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