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TABLE OF CONTENTS 14 Editor’s Letter You too can make the opposite sex become putty in your hands with our simple trick. 16 Of the Month Games that come with a lot of gear, movies about stuttering high school policy debaters and one angry cat. 19 ION the Prize 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness The moral of the story is that you can get out of being arrested for drug possession so long as you carry a bottle of rye on you at all times. 47 Horoscopes Conor Holler doesn’t need a flux capacitor to know what your future will bring. 48 The Perry Bible Fellowship
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CULTURE 20 R ebecca Chaperon Sometimes giant robots take breaks from saving the world for some alone time with special ladies.
FASHION 22 24
Of Mermaids & Shipwrecks A look at some exciting new lingerie. Shot by Barb Cole and styled by Amy Lu. Colour Me Spring See what’s to come this Spring. Shot by Josh Cornell and styled by Amy Lu.
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32 Persepolis Once again the editor of this magazine interviews one of the loveliest people on the planet and comes across as a total ignorant jerk.
MUSIC 36 X iu Xiu They’re suing Rolling Stone Magazine and Camel Cigarettes for like a billion dollars. 38 Team Canada Unlike our Hockey squad, this Team Canada never fails to de- liver gold. 42 Poster Art: Eric Dyck Yet another reason why we’re able to put our hatred for the Flames aside and love Calgarians. 44 Album Reviews 45 Five to One: Jokers of the Scene The latest addition to A-Track’s Fools Gold label scribbles down their music picks for us.
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ION Magazine Publisher Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editor Photo Editor Art Director Designers Designer Dept. Intern
Volume 6 Number 1 Issue 45 Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Patricia Matos Steven Evans Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Aina Kawamoto
Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Office Intern
Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Jill Pakulak
Contributing Writers: Degan Beley, Tara Conley, Stefana Fratila, Conor Holler, Sam Kerr, Samantha Langdorf, Clayton Pierrot, Kellen Powell, Dr. Ian Super, Contributing Photographers and Illustrators:Sanaz Afshar, Toby Marie Bannister, Trevor Brady, Barb Cole, JoshCornell, Robin Laananenn ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Hey wait, do they even sell iPhones in Canada yet? We don’t care. Just make it happen. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca
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Cover Credits Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Leila Bani for THEYrep.com Hair: Tania Becker for Liz Bell Agency Make-up: Andrea Tiller using MAC Model: Jen Peters at W Model Management Leo the Lionhead Rabbit courtesy of Gary at CinemaZoo.com Illustration by Helen Eady www.crossmytheartdesign.com Clothing: Scarf by Maria Montan. Heart Pins by Christina Darling
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
The Secret of My Success Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
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Happy New Year and welcome back to volume six of ION Magazine. Just when you thought the holidays were over, it’s time for Valentine’s Day and the accompanying pressure to buy some more stuff for your significant other. But not everyone who reads this magazine has a significant other (it’s by choice, I know). So I thought I’d take a moment to provide some public service to our single readers. I’m sitting in a club doing what I normally do in clubs—sitting in the corner with a few chums and getting plastered. A friend of a friend is there and we’re watching him attempt to pick up the waitress. Good luck. I’ve witnessed many a man attempt to pick up a waitress in my time. It’s not gonna happen. Recognizing we were in the presence of a man who was about to have a severely wounded ego, we naturally started making fun of him.“Hey guys, I got her number,” he said walking back to the table. “Oh yeah, what number did you get? A four? Only six more digits and you’ll be able to call her. Keep working on her.”
Unfazed he replied, “No, I got the whole thing,” and produced a receipt with her number on it. Impressed, I asked him how he pulled off this miraculous feat. “Well,” he said, as he edged closer to me, “let me tell you my secret.” This guy’s name is Ryan and he works in, surprise, sales. Only a job where you’re used to having a door slammed in your face by 99 percent of the people you talk to gives you this completely unwavering self-confidence. Ryan, I learned, takes the same approach when trying to pick up the opposite sex. Namely, he’s cool with getting slapped in the face by 99 women so long as the 100th gives in to his charms. Ryan often tells insane lies to the “one percenters.” Like that he’s just visiting from Toronto and that the apartment they’re in is actually his brother’s. Or that he normally doesn’t take the bus, it’s just that his Prius is in the shop getting tuned up. “So here’s what you do,” he explained.“The key to picking up women is to feign low self-esteem and make it seem like asking this girl out is the most difficult thing you’ve ever done in your life.”
“Why is that?” “It’ll endear you to her too if she sees that you’re nervous. Do stuff like rub your palms together and avoid extended eye contact. The key is to keep this up and, here’s the kicker, ask her out exactly like this—‘I was wondering if sometime... if you aren’t too busy... you’d maybe like to go and get a cupcake with me.’” “And that’s what you just told the waitress?” “Yes” Ryan replied, wide-eyed and nodding wisely. The next day I placed a follow up call to a friend who works at the nightclub. It turns out that the waitress gave Ryan a fake name and the number to her favourite Chinese food restaurant. The moral of the story for girls is to beware of the guys with low self-esteem. They may actually be the biggest losers you’ll ever go out with in your life. And guys, it’s probably best to stay away from nightclub waitresses and focus your efforts on that cute barista you flirt really well with. Not the one at the Starbucks by your work though. You need to get coffee there everyday and if you get shot down it’ll make things weird.
COVET Photography Trevor Brady - trevorbrady.com The prize this month comes courtesy of Covet. Based out of Montreal and New York City, this environmentally-conscious clothing line prides itself on creating “hand-crafted redemption.” Using all-natural fabrics derived from bamboo, organic cotton and soybeans, Covet has created an expertlytailored collection that manages to fuse fashion and sustainability. If, however, the mere thought of wearing “environmentally-conscious” clothing has you laughing in your leather Converse high-tops, fear not. Clothes from Covet will not make you look like any of the following: a yoga teacher, your women’s studies professor, or Woody Harrelson dressed up for a hemp rally. To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca model - Taylor McKay @ Richard’s Models styling - Shiva Shabani - NOBASURA.com hair & m/u - Melissa Berg
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14
DVD DVD About a son The king of Listen up kids, cuz we’re going kong to tell you a story from our youth that you’ve probably never heard before. Years ago there was this guy called Kurt Cobain from a band called Pearl Jam. In the late 80’s this band released an explosive single called “Black Hole Sun” that catapulted them into the limelight and made their hometown of Portland the musical capital of the world for a brief time.Then, in 2001, it all ended when, what many regard as Generation X’s Conor Oberst, was tragically assassinated by John Hinckley Jr. If any of this story interests you at all, we highly recommend checking out About A Boy, a beautifully shot and touching documentary that lets Kurt tell his own story using previously unheard interviews. By the end of the film, you’ll be able to go through this poorly written summary of his life and correct all the errors our fact checker missed.
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters welcomes you to the bizarre world of competitive Donkey Kong gaming. Billy Mitchell is the reigning Donkey Kong champion. In 1982, he registered 874,300 points on a single quarter. To give you an idea of how many points that is, you only get 100 points for jumping over a barrel. It was long seen as the arcade gaming equivalent of Wilt Chamberlain’s 100-point basketball game. Meet Steve Wiebe, a laid off teacher, ex-grunge musician and all around under achiever. In 2003, Wiebe scored a million points in Donkey Kong while his kid was screaming at him to have his diaper changed. Suspicion and controversy over Wiebe’s improbable score leads to a showdown at the Funspot in New Hampshire, the Augusta of competitive gaming. Way more entertaining than you’d ever possibly imagine. It’s on like... uh, yeah.
dvd Rocket science
Contributor Robin Laananen
Shut up about Juno already. It’s really overrated. Here’s one that isn’t. From Jeffrey Blitz, the director of Spellbound comes Rocket Science, an American Indie reminiscent of Election and Thumbsucker, about high school policy debaters in New Jersey. Hal Hefner has a stutter and no confidence until debate team star Ginny Ryerson “ferrets” him out to be her partner for the upcoming state championships. Will Hal overcome his disability, hook up with Ginny and become the best high school debater New Jersey has ever seen? Or will Hal bomb, get drunk and huck a large stringed instrument through Ginny’s window? Rocket Science is loaded with quirky characters, laughs, plot twists and the best character with a stutter since K-K-K-KKen in a A Fish Called Wanda. If that’s not enough to entice you, Hal Hefner is played by Vancouverite Reece Daniel Thompson. In your face Ellen Page!
For the most part, Robin Laananen calls the vast, multifaceted landscape of Los Angeles home. She also spends time on the road documenting the dark and vibrant lives of musicians, obtaining abilities such as: sleeping while sitting up, eating one meal a day and maintaining productive sanity on very little sleep. When home, she photographs for magazines like ION, MOJO, Rock Sound, Revolver, XLR8R and Guitar World, as well as clothing lines like Alternative Apparel and Lifetime Clothing. Whether she’s surrounded by the highways of Southern California, or accumulating mileage on foreign asphalt, she enjoys her time spent capturing music, fashion and life in general.
www.redhedpictures.com
Pet Scruff Over 10,000 years ago, saber-tooth tigers populated North and South America.They were notoriously fierce in battle. Their upper canines, which could grow up to 17 centimetres, were used to stab their opponents in the neck. Following the end of the Ice Age saber-tooth tigers became extinct. They were arguably the most ferocious feline species to have ever roamed the planet, until now that is. If somehow we were able to pit one of these famed saber-tooth tigers against Scruff here, Scruff would totally kick the tiger’s ass. To have your pet immortalized in print, send pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca.
game Super Mario Galaxy A lot of people think of Super Mario games as just “kid’s stuff.” The fact of the matter is, these games are always innovative and a lot of fun. Super Mario Galaxy is no different. It’s the same old story; the princess has been kidnapped and it’s up to you to rescue her, this time in outer space. Hop into an insane 3-D world where gravity, and your perspective, is constantly shifting. Factor in that you’re going to be using the Wii Remote to do all of this and you’re in for a true test of hand-eye coordination. So flatten some goombas, eat some mushrooms and put on a bee costume, just like you would on a typical Saturday night.
Contributor Amy Lu
There’s a raging debate going on among the unemployed who dwell in basement suites as to whether Rock Band is better than Guitar Hero. If you have ever been stuck in one of these basement suites while your unemployed friend dazzles you with his Guitar Hero skill, you’ll know your turn to play rarely ever comes. As the name suggests, Rock Band lets you play with a whole band. Get the crew together and perform a thoroughly impressive list of tunes as the guitarist, the bassist, the drummer or the lead singer. So if your basement suite is roomy enough to handle all this gear, Rock Band is the game for you.
“I have always been enticed with people’s style—how it makes them feel, and how influential it can be,” says Amy Lu, who, since beginning her career in 2001, has quickly risen to prominence as one of Canada’s top freelance fashion stylists. “It’s been a lifetime in the making. I used to plan out my back to school clothes a month in advance, and layout a weeks worth of outfits every Sunday.” Fashion stylist Amy Lu and ION go way back to the very first issue, and she has been a contributor ever since. Her work has appeared in the pages of FASHION, Vanity Fair, Donato Magazine, Interview, and VLM. She also writes a weekly trend column in the Georgia Straight. Amy Lu lives and works in Toronto and Vancouver. www.amylu.ca Photography: Moo
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FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 16
IRON GIANTS AND OCTOPI Rebecca Chaperon
Words Degan Beley Once upon a time there was a girl…an artist, who strayed far from poised portraiture and instead filled her paintings with stories of animated robots, leggy octopi and furry flying monsters. Her name was Rebecca Chaperon. A talented and whimsical Vancouver based artist (originally from England, by way of Ontario) with a huge following of dedicated fans, I found out over tea and cookies at her studio that she is also an artist who puts a strong sense of narrative into her artwork. All of her paintings tell a story. “I am inspired to tell stories through my art,” she says, “because it’s direct in its effect and I feel that I can convey a sense of the fantastic as I experience it. If I weren’t an artist I would definitely want to be a writer.” Rebecca points to a piece next to us on the wall. ‘Undoomed’ shows a dark mist swirling around a robot holding a girl in a King Konglike grasp. As first glance it could be taken for an abduction, but on closer inspection the girl looks more curious than afraid and the robot’s empty (but still somehow compassionate) eyes are looking off in the other direction. Like so many of her other pieces, there is a lot more going on here than is immediately apparent. “This piece is about emerging from doom unscathed,” she tells me, and “doom is not necessarily a tangible entity but rather a construct of the mind. In this piece the ominous doom is the swirling mist.” And as for the story behind it? “For me, I feel that this piece represents a challenge and a victory in progress over the sensation of impending doom. The robot, for me, is a symbol of my creativity as a vehicle...an element of my life that has rewarded me and carried me through times of doubt and distrust.” As a child, it seems Rebecca was surrounded by creativity. And stories. Her mother “nurtured [her] creativity from a young age” by telling
wildly imaginative bedtime stories that “would always contain elements of the fantastic and mysterious.” They also painted together in a way that instilled the narrative process into the art. “She would draw out the basic outline of a place—like a beach—on a big piece of paper,” Rebecca says, “then she would ask me what was happening on the beach, and together we would create a place full of all kinds of people, animals and objects.” A little older, and it was her brother (now a musician) whose constant sketching indirectly inspired her to start creating her own art. He is now the only one who can look at one of her paintings and piece together the story behind it. Although the sense of narrative factors highly into the artwork, she doesn’t necessarily have the full-blown story created in her head before she starts. “I usually have a few story ideas percolating when I sit down to paint,” she says,“my brain quickly whittles down the ideas/images as I work and as the elements of the work are narrowed down I think about how I will save discarded parts of ideas for other paintings.” Her body of work has a unified style, easily identified by the delicate grey shading (as subtle as charcoal, but painted in liquid acrylic) and creamy orange backdrops. The pieces themselves can be easily categorized into groups or series based on the characters, as strong as archetypes, figuring in her work. She describes working through a series of paintings around a central character as a good process for her work because it means there are not too many things going on in one piece. “I don’t try to cram all my ideas into one piece,” she explains. Nothing is lost by not knowing the story, of course. The images are superbly, although simply, composed. There is a good amount of white space in most of them which serves to draw
the eye towards the central figures. Not to mention that she sells many pieces through gallery shows where she never learns who the new owner is, and so the stories don’t get passed on. So much the better—the collector can make up their own stories. “My understanding of the narrative element is that each person viewing the piece will ultimately try to relate their own life experiences to the ‘characters’ depicted in the image,” Rebecca says. And so new stories are created. The main characters that appear and reappear in her art narratives are the aforementioned octopi, furry monsters and robots, as well as a series of young girls—arguably stand-ins for the artist herself—taking her work from sci-fi to old-school ‘ghosts in the attic’ type pieces. There is an Edward Gorey type of darkness to tone. They are dark and yet also humorous and even cute. A drowning girl in “Sweet Tooth” holds her lollipop aloft, possibly to keep it from getting wet while the abducted girl in ‘Undoomed’ looks on with wry curiosity at her kidnapper. “Some people feel like my work is ‘dark’,” she says. “I think that in some respects that might be true, but overall, I don’t feel that my images are negative…some of the stories that are told by these images might cope with a sense of anxiety, somberness, and melancholy, but I don’t feel as though the characters portrayed are completely hopeless.” Not hopeless at all. Rather there is always the possibility of the story continuing in the next frame. Check out the continuous narrative of her creativity in her upcoming show at the Ayden Gallery (49 Powell Street, Vancouver) – The Nightside of Fables: A Collection of Curious Anecdotes – where she will be showcasing her particular brand of stories alongside Carla Dearman’s until February 17th. Also see more of her work online at www.thechaperon.ca.
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SHADY LTD ION MAGAZINE 18
Words Tara Conley Photography Fiona Garden - NOBASURA.com Styling Leila Bani - THEYrep.com Hair Tania Becker @ Liz Bell Agency Make-Up & Hair Andrea Tiller Model Madi @ Jett Models
When you hear the name Eminem, “Detroit-bred rapper who’s not afraid to push the envelope” comes to mind. However, his willingness to take chances has made him one of the most powerful people in the music industry today. It’s with that same fierce ambition that he is re-launching his men’s clothing line, Shady Limited. Shady hit the scene four years ago, but the designs seemed too mainstream for most. So Shady began its re-construct, creating designs that reflect what Eminem himself actually wears. The new line has a whole new flavour, drawing
additional inspiration from its recent partnership with menswear giant Roca Wear. This time around, the designs are all about growing up and looking fashionable. The current line includes denim, t-shirts, outerwear and hoodies with color themes of red, white, and black throughout. All of the current pieces are accented with artistic graphics that feature skulls, intricate tattoo pieces, and graffiti designs. www.shadyltd.com
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Colour Me Spring
photographer...Josh Cornell
fashion stylist...Amy Lu (Judy Inc., amylu.com)
make up and hair...Jackie Gideon (Judyinc.com, Onare’ Salon) hair assistant...Michelle Cunningham (Onare’ Salon) prop stylist...Rodney Smith (Judy Inc.) amanda...Sutherland Models lisa...B&M Models
Dress.Marchesa Notte at Holt Renfrew, Ribbon in Hair at Mokuba, Tights.Wolford, Shoes.Valentino at David’s Shoes Previous Page - Dress.Marc Jacobs at Holt Renfrew, Ribbon at Mokuba, Socks.H&M, Boots.Escada
Dress.Laundry by Shelli Segal at Holt Renfrew, Socks.H&M, Ribbon at Mokuba, Shoes.Valentino at David’s Shoes Previous Page - Amanda.... Shirt.Cynthia Steffe, Skirt.Miu Miu at Holt Renfrew, Tights.Mondor, Shoes.Sergio Rossi at David’s Shoes. Lisa... Dress with black bow.Jill Stuart at Holt Renfrew, Tights.Wolford
Dress.Stella McCartney at Holt Renfrew, Ribbon at Mokuba, Tights.Wolford Next Page - Dress.Isaac Mizrahi at Holt Renfrew, Tights.Mondor
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Photography ~ Barb Cole (barbaracole.com) Fashion Stylist ~ Amy Lu (Judy Inc., amylu.com) Prop Stylist ~ Rodney Smith (Judy Inc.) Make Up and Hair ~ Laura Szucs (Judy Inc.) Model ~ Irina (Elite Model Management) Special Thanks to Northbound Leather & Demarco Perpich (Flowers) This Page~ Bra.The Lake and Stars at Holt Renfrew, Cuff.Kenneth Jay Lane at Holt Renfrew
Bra and Corset.Lejaby, Knickers.Agent Provocateur
Bra and Knickers.Agent Provocateur,Bracelets.Lejaby, Chandelier Earrings.Holt Renfrew Private Label
Knickers. Agent Provocateur, Stay-Ups.Wolford, Boots.Northbound Leather Previous Page~ Bra and Panties.The Lake and Stars at Holt Renfrew, Lace Gloves and Stockings.Stylist’s Own
Bra and Panties.Lejaby, Garter and Stockings.Wolford Next Page~ Bodysuit and Stockings.Valentino for Wolford
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FUN-DAMENTALISM Marjane Satrapi’s Persepolis Words Michael Mann Marjane Satrapi experienced more by the time she was an early teen than most do in their whole lives. Born into a progressive middle-class family in Iran, when Marjane was nine the Islamic Revolution happened. Then a few years after that, war broke out between Iran and Iraq. Because she was an imaginative and outspoken child, at a time when being imaginative and outspoken could get you thrown in jail, her parents sent her to Vienna (exiled, as she refers to it) to complete her schooling. Marjane went on to document her experiences with Persepolis, a wildly successful graphic novel. Named after the ceremonial capital of the Persian Empire, the title is a nod to her country’s proud roots. In the prologue, Marjane writes “this old and great civilization has been discussed mostly in connection with fundamentalism, fanaticism and terrorism.” Aside from entertaining the reader, Persepolis sets out to change this perception without ignoring the problems Iran faces. The film adaptation of Persepolis, which opened in mid-January, put smiles on critics’ faces at major festivals around the globe. If 300 left a bad taste in your mouth, the touching humanist story in Persepolis is the cinematic Listerine you need. I had the opportunity to talk to Marjane before the Canadian release of her film and almost every answer she gave was punctuated by laughter, hers and mine, as she enlightened me about the difficulty of adapting your work for the screen, Marxism, Kung-Fu movies and how to make your breasts look amazing without resorting to implants. The first thing I wanted to ask you about your film is the animation. It’s cinematic, but remains true to the source material. How important was this for you? We tried to do a movie but it happened as an animation. Animation as we talk about it today is not a question of genre but it is a question of
media. For us, animation is a media. We chose to make an animation and not a live action because it was much more convenient for us because we wanted to have a universal story. If it was [live action] it would become a story of people that are far from us and that we cannot understand what they do. There’s something abstract about a drawing that anybody can relate to. What did you find most difficult about adapting your work for the screen? The most difficult thing is I had to think about a story for four years in one way and then you have to forget about this one way and then think about it in a completely other way. Comics and cinema, it’s really two different languages. In the books, I had more time. I could write about 16 years of life, no problem. When you have a movie and you want to make 16 years of life, you cannot put everything in because then at the end you can find yourself with a slow movie, which is a complete disaster. We had to find an answer. At the time we wrote the script I was at a very nostalgic point of my life and I hadn’t gone back to Iran in three years... This whole structure was based on a flashback; this woman who is in the airport and doesn’t have a ticket to go back, she sits there and remembers. Then the turning point became the exile. Everything leads to this exile and this exile justifies whatever happens next. So restructuring the whole thing was really not easy. What was the toughest thing to leave out? Lots of things. For example, this boy Kia, who is a friend of mine and then after the war he loses one hand and one leg. And he tells this silly joke. This joke, I just wanted to have it because it shows that even when the disaster is too big either you have to laugh about it or you die... The problem is that we never talked about Kia. If we had him coming in, he would just disappear again. He needs a little bit more attention. That means we’d have to
add another story. Things like that I was very very attached to. At the same time, either you have this character in the movie and you give them enough space. If it’s just a fun thing, or to express an idea, you cannot just get people in and out. Then it doesn’t mean anything anymore. Things like that you have to get rid of. It’s not always easy but you know, I’m here to serve the movie. The movie is not here to serve me. Can I ask why you played down your attempted suicide in the movie? In the movie it said it was a suicide. The way she was in the hand of God and said “I am dead.” The problem was [with the comic] you see the pills she’s taking and the bottle and it’s much more evident. The thing was we made this scene, which was much longer and really described the suicide. The problem was just before this we had the scene in Vienna when she was homeless which goes on for three and a half minutes. It’s a long and extremely sad scene. Then after five minutes we had a long scene of suicide and it would be too long and very sad things, one after the other. It destroyed the rhythm of the movie and we had to choose between one or the other. I’m too much for showing off this kind of stuff. In other movies with this kind of stuff it’s too much and I have to cry. It pisses me off. I would not do this in my own movie. Given the current political climate in the States, have you experienced any negativity about your film? Not at all. Really not at all. You always have a couple of people that don’t like it. But it doesn’t matter because I don’t like them either. When you were young and in Iran and all this bad stuff was going on around, were you able to process it at the time or did it sink in later? I was knowing what was happening because I
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was surrounded by people who were not idiots. I was surrounded by people who were knowing what was happening. I find myself [less] afraid to be born in the place I was born than, for example, if I was born in a Mormon family in Salt Lake City I think it would have been much more hell. If my parents were stupid I would have disliked it much more. I think I was kind of lucky really. Imagine if my father had been a newborn Christian? I probably would have killed myself. So you lived through the Islamic Revolution and war with Iraq. But one of the most difficult experiences of your life was falling in love with an asshole in Vienna. It doesn’t depend so much on the place. People, they have this fantasy that if you are from Iran then of course you’re retarded or you’re living in the 19th century. It’s just a question of human beings. Retarded people, you have them everywhere in the world. They can be in Canada, they can be in America, they can be anywhere. Open minded and cultivated and articulate people, you have them everywhere also. That is what the movie is about... it’s a very humanistic point of view. The fact that I came from a place, of course I had to go through all these things, but I always had the freedom of thinking. That really helps you in your life.
Why do God and Karl Marx look so similar in your movie? I don’t know. Ask them. Maybe they go to the same hair-cutter. Well is Marxism still something that’s important to you? Dialectical materialism and the importance of the economy are things that you can see every day in the current world. There are lots of things that he said that are not bullshit, you know? Once in a while people tell me “You’re from the extreme left.” I don’t know what is extreme left but I think if you want people not to be angry… there is something that can save the world that is like a weapon of mass construction, it’s cultural instruction. To be able to give cultural instruction to people they have to have somewhere to live and they have to be able to eat. I think we have to give a minimum of life to people. If that is called being a Marxist, well I’m a Marxist then. I think that healthcare should be free for everybody and I think that education should be free for everybody. These are the kind of things that I do believe in. I don’t know if that’s being a Marxist. It sounds more like being a good human being. Exactly. Are you still watching Kung-Fu movies? Oh yes I like that a lot. What Kung-Fu movies are you watching these days? I still watch them, I don’t know if there are five or six of them but all of the movies of Bruce Lee. I’ve
got all of them. I watch them when I’m all alone. The problem is when I watch these movies I get overexcited afterwards and if someone is close to me I might kick them. I’m like “Let’s fight, let’s fight.” When I’m all alone by myself at night it’s better. Yeah, you can shadow box. Yeah, it gives me a big heartbeat and all of that. I’m like 38 years old and I should say these things. I do it anyways. What are you more likely to listen to these days: The Bee Gees or Iron Maiden? Iron Maiden. When I was 12 I thought they were very fun. I have very bad taste. I really really do. I listen to music. I hate RnB. I want to kill myself when I hear RnB No R. Kelly for you then? AH! It just drives me mad. I just feel like hanging myself when I hear these people singing. On my iPod I have all of the music of Iggy Pop. This morning in the Four Seasons Hotel in the middle of Beverly Hills I had a rock concert in my room. Finally, you had an amazing grandmother. She recommended dipping your breasts in ice-cold water twice a day for 10 minutes to keep them looking great. Yes It works? So this is something you endorse? It works. I tell you it works. Do you do it? Yes. Everyday? Not everyday but when I can I do it. It’s better than having fake boobs.
ION MAGAZINE
A lot of the humour in Persepolis comes from exposing the absurdities of eastern and western culture. Talking with you as well, it’s obvious you enjoy a good laugh. For me, humour is a matter of intelligence. People who don’t have any humour are just stupid to me. When you laugh with somebody, it’s really to understand the spirit of the other one. It’s not like “Michael, me hungry,” and then you give me a sandwich. If we laugh together it is that we are talking about some abstract concept. That means that you are touching my soul and I am touching your soul. For me, laughing with someone is the height of understanding the other one. We always cry for the same reason. It’s such a shame to show a mother holding her baby dying in her arm and everybody cries. It’s not as easy to make everybody laugh. You have to understand the spirit of people. Do you think you’ve lived an exceptional life or is it just you’ve lived through exceptional events.
It happened that I was born in a certain place and a certain time. It is exceptional because when I was nine years old I just discovered myself that suddenly a revolution happened. Then I was 10 and war happened. Then I had to go into exile without my parents. At the same time I’m a very normal person. I’m from a middle class family. I’m not the princess of Russia. I think I’m kind of lucky after all because I ended up doing what I wanted. I come from a family that, thank God, they had enough money to send me abroad and they were open-minded enough to let me live my life.
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CULTURE FASHION
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 38
DESTROY AND REBUILD
Xiu Xiu
Words Clayton Pierrot The town I grew up in is unhealthy. The air, literally and figuratively, is bad for you. It sits in a valley surrounded by lakes and rivers like a scab over smooth white skin. This might partly explain my interest in and appreciation for the music of Xiu Xiu, which is at times the scab and at others, the skin. Their music is full of pretty little melodies and moments but is undeniably wrapped in ugliness, leaving the listener to pick away the clot and reveal new pink growth underneath. After six years and six LPs, not to mention EPs and collaborations, Xiu Xiu have carved themselves a place in modern music by combining electric digging and probing at the raw nerves with chaotic composition that paradoxically (and probably misleadingly) seems carefully planned. They see-saw between dynamics and moods while always maintaining an almost uncomfortable level of emotion. I called Jamie Stewart, the brains/heart/genitals behind Xiu Xiu’s extensive catalogue and was nervous that my awkward openings would fail to penetrate what I assumed would be a reluctance to talk. Xiu Xiu is experiencing a glut of media attention, due both to the release of a new album titled Women as Lovers, and their participation in a class-action lawsuit on behalf of the 186 bands mentioned in a November 2007 Rolling Stone editorial cartoon (Targeted in the suit are Rolling Stone. R.J. Reynolds Tobacco and the Wenner Media ad agency. The band has chosen not to discuss this suit with the media). Nonetheless, Xiu Xiu being an entity that so nakedly displays its members’ experiences, emotions, and influences, I felt a little bad about being another faceless asshole asking questions about the inspiration behind the bizarre sexual imagery and repetition of violent scenarios in the lyrics. Stewart, however, doesn’t think his own exact situations are the important factor. “The point of anything being personal isn’t really to illustrate specifically my own life but just
to talk about someone’s real life. If anybody responds, it’s because they recognize that it’s something real and not my life in particular,” he says, adding that the sorts of personal questions I refuse to ask are par for the course, considering the subject matter of the songs. This makes sense. One probably can’t write about daddies raping someone silly or cutting open foreheads with a roofing shingle, set the words down on record, and sing them to large groups of people without being prepared for scrutiny. It’s a bit late to get shy. So, what really is the reason behind the subject matter? “I think it’s just a matter of intensity, it doesn’t have to be anything intensely good or intensely bad, I think just something that’s notable.” Intensity. I probably should have used that word already, as it is the foremost characteristic in a Xiu Xiu performance, live or recorded. Stewart’s vocal delivery even unlocks new depths of emotion from the songs he has covered over the years. Tracy Chapman’s tragic “Fast Car” is undeniably so under his treatment of it, just as “Asleep” by The Smiths, covered on Xiu Xiu’s Fag Patrol EP, is stripped of its drawling detachment. You get a sense of near-collapse from Stewart’s singing at its crescendos, something that is almost hard to believe when talking to him. Over the phone his easy manner belies the music we are discussing. “I don’t really ever find myself writing about anything relaxing, or casual. It’s usually something of the most horrifying nature possible, or of potentially the most redemptive nature possible: something I’m pulled to rather than something that just happens. Not something, you know, amusing about drinking a really good cup of tea,” which is good. Donovan has his place in the musical pantheon, but the world only needs one song about how much a guy loves his shirt (see: “I Love My Shirt”, by Donovan). There is a certain subset of people who would actually rather hear
songs about mines caving in than how cool and refreshing water is. The band gets its name from the Geling Yan novel ‘Tian Yu’ (later brought to the screen by Joan Chen), in which a young girl from China is sent to the countryside to learn to herd horses, only to resort to prostitution after a series of realizations destroys her faith in the values of her elders and their system. While I’m not going to force an interpretation of that summary on the form of the band, Stewart starts the connections for me when he mentions his recent interest in the film scores of Toru Takemitsu, and generally in post-war Japanese cinema. “It may be because I can’t understand Japanese at all so I can’t tell how the dialogue works or doesn’t work, so it’s all visual and auditory.” To me, it’s this subject that applies itself best to Xiu Xiu’s music. Asian culture, Japanese in particular, in terms of a single defining catastrophe, seems more anchored on tragedy and the overcoming of that tragedy than we are comfortable with here in the far West. Just as Xiu Xiu’s songs brutally expose the darkish parts of our own culture while still being almost danceable. The songs and these films share a fixation on the ways people are torn down. Mr. Stewart continued further on the subject of Japanese culture. “Having to reconstruct your whole society, I think crawling out of the rubble in any sort of way, either literally or figuratively, is really fascinating. They really had to create a new way to live.” And this creation is what the body of Xiu Xiu’s work suggests, album after album. Depictions of loss, death and destructive interaction that leave a person shaken, but with the sense that in all that shit, something is still living. Something that if not beautiful, is at least fascinating.
ION MAGAZINE 39
CULTURE FASHION
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 40
PREMIUM PLUS CRACKERS TEAM CANADA
Words Trevor Risk Photography Robin Laananen - redhedpictures.com “I’ll bet you don’t have 3,000 people in a club going nuts like this in Vancouver, eh?” I’m asked by a David Robinsonsized Red Bull executive.“Well,” I slowly answer,“we’d have trouble finding a cache of 3,000 glowsticks somewhere in the downtown core.” I’m in Toronto, in a mega-club filled with weekend warriors mostly having commuted from another area code to flash all the cash in their bank accounts. Without warning, a security guard forcefully crams me into a smaller room filled to the tits with progressive house, and we’re all told to keep our mouths shut and stay put while the management deals with a situation. My west coast mind shuffles through scenarios that would involve death. Fire. Guns. Evil Batman-y gas that’s about to singe off all the polyester in the 416. Finally, my interned brethren and I get wind of the cause. Paris Hilton and her entourage need room to dance. When eventually given our parole from out-of-date synth attacks, I ponder where the hell my little posse has gone. Squeezing out of the dancefloor and down the stairs I find Raphael (D.R. One) holding his sides with laughter.“What happened, and why does that bouncer hate you?” I ask with a shade of worry.“I think I touched Paris...right where it counts,” Raphael sputters through the guffaws. This is an evening out with Team Canada. If you’ve been to a decent party the last year and a half, you’ve probably heard (and heard of) Team Canada, the DJ duo individually named D.R. One and Grand Theft. The pair are at the forefront of mash-up party jam tours and are branding themselves with great titles and re-workings. I’ve crossed paths with the two across this land, and rarely do they let me, or a crowd down. Just the sight of their stylishly re-animated Montreal Expos ball caps warn me of a debaucherous hands-up evening’s imminence. Our evening begins after an egotistical MIA press conference in which she refers to herself as only two things, brave and hungover. Afterwards, Raphael and I jump in his car and begin to engage in a back and forth about music. “Yeah, she was being a bit of a brat, but some of those rave songs she played were great. I’m glad she’s influenced by shit that’s so badass.” Cruising around the GTA Raphael gets into the current project they’re working on, a collection of DJ acts across the country calling themselves The Eh! Team. “We’ve got Hedspin from Vancouver, and Junior Flow from Toronto. We’re just applying the strength in num-
bers idea.” DJing and doing parties are pretty common these days. Everyone wants to hear his or her favourite songs on behemoth speakers, and if they don’t, then the obvious option is to just become a DJ and make everyone else listen to your Detroit techno white labels. Adversely, Team Canada wants to make you scream and shout, and do so with blinding accuracy. D.R. One and Grand Theft are as professional as it gets, which easily lets them uproot themselves from Montreal to places as far away as China. We arrive at the MIA performance and watch her struggle to remember lyrics and let her side stage hype-girl take over the performance to mask her ineptitude. Her DJ, Low Budget, is pulled into the mess by scribbling a trainwreck that leaves the crowds wanting Datarock back on stage. I turn to my counterparts and proclaim, “Let’s go outside and get a hot dog”. Outside, Raphael and I keep talking shop about the touring party business. “Bands find it difficult touring Canada because it’s a long haul between cities, and it gets a bit numbing, especially in the winter,” I begin. “Yeah, DJing is different though. Today, we all use Serato,” he explains, referring to a computer application, popular among DJs, used to store entire libraries of songs and control turntables as if one were playing actual records, “so our luggage is minimal and you can bang out a party every night without using a truck full of gear.” Looking around, Raphael finds promise in some associates of his.“Hey, let’s go next door. Junior Flow knows the managers, and we’ll have some drinks.” This is when our evening spun out of our control. Programs like Serato and Ableton Live are quickly making party parades out of us all, and I wonder if one day we’ll have DJs even performing live. Maybe computers will just be linked so well with solid state synapses that the best DJs will be able to murder a party from their bed. Most likely, the only thing stopping us from partying like it’s an Orwellian 2084 is the fact that we’ve got boys like Raph and Aaron partying in person, wearing cool hats, inappropriately touching princesses, drinking with the crowd, and feeling around the inside of our minds for our favourite space jams.
FASHION
Eric Dyck
CULTURE
FILM
MUSIC
ION MAGAZINE
42
POSTER ART
Eric is a lucky boy, as his nine-to-five involves drawing comic strips about bands for a living. If you live in Calgary (I’m looking at you Calgarians) you’ve probably stopped to enjoy the Peanuts-y gig posters that generally inform you when you should show up at Broken City with a ticket clutched between the thumb and fingers of your two layers of mittens. Eric’s pretty humble about his beginnings in the world of ink to paper to digital colouring, and was candid enough to let us in on his roots.“I had been teaching comics and cartooning with the mighty Tim Huesken of www.shinybluerobot.com for several years when his freelance plate began to overflow. He was generous enough to throw some table scraps my way and I gobbled them up and licked the floor clean! I had such a blast doing a few posters for him that I quit my job and decided I was going to live on table scraps forever.” Check out Mr. Dyck’s neat website at www.ericdyck.com.
ION MAGAZINE 43
ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 44
Black mountain IN The Future Jagjaguwar
Bonde do Role Marina gasolina EP Domino
Rivers Cuomo Alone Universal Alone: The Home Recordings of Rivers
Grizzly Bear Friend EP Warp
The bohemian prince of East
Sometimes you can have regret at
Cuomo will not change your mind
Oh hi! Sorry, you sort of snuck up on
Here’s a vague transcript of a conversa-
Vancouver, Stephen McBean, has put
two in the morning because you were
about the man or his career as front
me. What? This? It’s the Grizzly Bear
tion I once had about Hot Chip and
all the side projects on hold and finally
in a bad mood that night and decided
man of the Rivers-core band Weezer.
Friend EP. What? Oh that? It’s my
Klaxons with a girl who actually referred
given his subjects what they want,
not to hang out with your friends. Then
So this collection of demos is either
toilet constantly flushing in order to
to herself as a “music snob”.
a new Black Mountain album. Their
you get all sad and bored and lonely.
going to come across to you as Nico
bring the songs into a layered tidal
Her:“Don’t you like Hot Chip?”
self-titled debut earned them praise
Despite the fact that you should
to Weezer’s Blind Melon (if, like me,
wave soundscape that is at its apex.
Me:“Nah. I like Cut Copy better.”
from every publication on the planet,
probably just go to bed, you should
you prefer to think of Rivers as having
Pretentiousness is something earned
Her:“How does that make sense? They’re
an opening slot on a Coldplay tour
instead listen to this CD while you
died after Pinkerton) or as a desperate
in music, not the starting point. Clearly
not the same.”
and an appearance on the Spiderman
stand on a table and eat a sandwich
attempt at a return to credibility from
these guys really got James Joyce’s
Me:“Yeah they are, but Cut Copy’s better.”
3 soundtrack of all movies (it’s track
and maybe drink a beer. Don’t go
a man who unleashed, in the form of
Ulysses and wanted you to know
Her:“No, they’re not the same.”
five on In The Future in case you slept
crazy or anything or dance on the
the Green Album, the worst case of
that it’s no big deal. I wish that the
Me:“Yeah, in the broad scope of the pop
on that one). How do you go up from
table too hard. Just stand on it and
musical treason since Californication.
name of the band was something
lexicon, they are. And they’re better.”
there? Throwing down a mammoth
kind of nod your head and chew in
Keeping in mind that this is a collec-
like Skydozer and the EP was called
Her:“Well, in the broad scope of the pop
sophomore album full of stoner-prog
time with the music while you gently
tion of demos, it’s actually decently
Wailing Chunk Slide, then at least I
lexicon, you and I are the same person.”
rock jams that beg comparisons to
move your legs. Look around at your
listenable. “The Bomb” is a dirty hip
could be telling you that they had one
Me:“Yeah... but I’m better.”
Black Sabbath and Jefferson Airplane,
surroundings and bask in the glory of
hop track, reminiscent of some of
or two good ideas. Little known facts
as well as modern day hard-rockers
listening to awesome sandwich music
the Beastie’s punkier moments. The
about Grizzly Bear that I just made up:
like The White Stripes and Wolfmother,
with your favourite person: you! Also,
middle of the album is dedicated to
all of their sweaters have holes, their
is one way. This album hits you quickly
you will be at a way higher altitude
a rock opera about a robot in space
parents “don’t get them”, they watch
and it’s a wild ride all the way to the
than you’re used to listening to music
that has Rivers lamenting the size of
Thundercats because they were told
end. Things don’t even lag during a
at, which makes it more fun. You can
his competition’s unit. This, along with
to, and they will not meet me behind
17-minute track near the end of the
also make guitar noises with your
some of the liner notes gives some
the gym after school on Friday prob-
trip, which just seems to melt by. The
mouth like the guy in the background
interesting insight into a pushy and
ably because of my rock hard abs. By
only major downer about this album
of “Office Boy.” If you do this properly,
somewhat self-loathing artist. For me
the way, my abs are really hard… like
is it’ll be the best album of 2008 and
you will be having the best possible
the hit on the album is “Lemonade,”
rocks. PS: If you put the first song on
it’s only February. If I’m wrong I’ll eat
time that a person in your situation
a song that could have been on the
repeat and mute your TV it totally syncs
this magazine.
can have
Blue Album and serves as a reminder
with the movie Space Jam.
★★★★
of a time when Rivers made a living
✩✩✩✩✩
★★★★★
–Michael Mann
–Kellen Powell
playing Scooter to the rest of the grunge Muppet show. Two thumbs up, raves Rick Ocasek.
★★★✩✩ –Derek Risk
Hot Chip Made in the dark astralwerks
–Dr. Ian Super
✩✩✩✩✩
–Trevor Risk
The RaveOnettes Lust lust lust Vice
Simple Plan S/T Atlantic
For the kids three! V/A nettwerk
The name ‘Raveonettes’ (a reference to
Simple Plan is probably the least
Kids music makes me cringe. I’m
The Ronettes and Buddy Holly’s “Rave
media-savvy band in the country. To
all for hand claps and silly lyrics but
On”) makes you wonder what kind of
illustrate this, all one must do is crawl
when people are singing about lint
music a Danish duo with alliterating
through an interview (or television bio
being dangerous, I feel insulted for the
names (Sharin and Sune) can produce.
clip) with the possibly autistic char-
kids who are supposed to sing along!
Is it harmonized pop? Is it a paddle-
ity member of the group, Chuck. The
I took this album to a grade two class
whip to the heart? Yes! It’s dark and
second half of this argument lies in
I was teaching one day so we could
noisy and it’s easy to understand be-
the fact that I was sent a watermarked
review it. The opener, Of Montreal’s “I
cause each daunting note is a reminder
copy of their upcoming full length
Want to Have Fun,” was well-received
of how sick and foul we are in the lands
album and the CD doesn’t work. Way
by the seven-year-olds. It sounds like
of immoral desire. Sharin Foo and Sune
to go public relations department at
the band’s older stuff except Kevin
Wagner: two silver wolves who yap and
Atlantic Records. Let it be said that
Barnes doesn’t use any words with
howl in harmony, yakking of love in a
this could be the band’s opus, full of
more than five letters. The class favou-
different way than other musicians.
swirling guitars and poignant lyrics,
rites were O.A.R.’s “Itsy Bitsy Spider”
Seriously, they make you feel! With
highlighting a real move towards
and Barenaked Ladies “The Other Day
gorgeous sounding guitars and raw
musical literacy and maturity. Alas, we
I Met a Bear” undoubtedly because
emotion, this is noisy pop for people
here at ION will not know until the real
they knew the songs. The dance party
electro-club remixing abilities. Anyone who’s
who dance with their eyes closed and
deal is released. Let’s give it a rating
began when The Sippy Cups’“I’m a
spent enough time in our nation’s capital
hit short kids in the face (by accident).
of one out of five, just to be prepared.
Believer” started. This was repeated
knows that by the time a man is 25, he’s either
★✩✩✩✩
several times in the day. One boy
got himself a secure job in the political sector,
proudly exclaimed this was a cover
or has put on a couple hundred pounds sitting
“want the candy.”
of a Smashmouth song. The album is
in front of a computer, lazily conjuring up a
★★★★✩
confusing; are you supposed to play it
spreadsheet for one of the many silicon com-
all at once, including the slow, pretty
panies, only taking time away to argue about
songs? The kids get up to dance but
the importance of Ray Emery’s place in the
then it becomes naptime tunes and
pantheon of shiny-suited black goaltenders.
they wonder why people don’t just
Yet, Chris and Linus (the perfectly monikered
make an album with “the Shrek song”
DJ Booth) are quickly becoming stars on
Thank you, lust-feeling people. You’re right to say that I, like everyone else,
–Stefana Fratila
–Trevor Risk
FIVE TO
ONE
Jokers of the Scene Bytown boys aren’t quite known for their acute
A-Trak’s label, Fool’s Gold. The guys took a mo-
★★✩✩✩ –Natalie Vermeer
ment away from absolutely shredding a party to scribble some winners down for us and you.
ION MAGAZINE
on it over and over again.
45
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
Up in Smoke Words Sam Kerr Photography Toby Marie Bannister
HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46
After work, Winston walks to the liquor store to get a bottle of rye. On his way home from the liquor store, bottle in hand, Winston takes a detour to the weed store to pick up a bag of marijuana. He hangs a left off of Hastings street and walks down an alley. Behind a dumpster Winston finds a door; he raps on it four times slowly then two times quickly. At eye level, the mail slot pops open. Two furrowed blue eyes leer at Winston, “What’s the pass word?” “Chimo.” The door swings inward and Winston enters the building. Moving beside the blue-eyed man he crosses a dark room and approaches a glass case. Inside, there are five varieties of weed, each wittily named and priced according to potency. Winston buys a 20 bag of NecronomiChron and makes for the exit, thinking about the civi-
lized transaction that he has just participated in. As he is about to reach the door, it is smashed open. Four cops barge into the room with their guns drawn. Stunned by what he is witnessing, Winston fails to understand what the officers mean when they tell him to, “get down onto the motherfucking floor right now.” A large, dark-haired, officer makes this message clearer to Winston by giving him a stern forearm shiver to the face. It feels to Winston like his nose is broken, but it isn’t. He is face down on the floor in a puddle of his own blood, and a cop digs a knee into his back.The officer twists Winston’s arms behind him, puts cuffs on each wrist, then helps him to his feet. He digs his hands into Winston’s pockets and finds the bag of weed. The blue-eyed man is restrained by two other officers, then taken
outside to the van for questioning. Meanwhile, the two remaining cops move Winston to a couch for an interrogation of his own. They ask him about the nature of his relationship with the weed store. Winston tells them that he is a customer. They ask about his job, his lifestyle, his friends. Winston is cool, and before long it becomes increasingly apparent that he is not a criminal. The dark haired officer seems prepared to let Winston go, but the French Canadian cop senses something fishy. He asks his partner, “Ow do we know dat dis guy is not lying to us? I tink dat we should take ‘im downtown.” Not wanting to go anywhere near jail, Winston thinks fast. He points out that a person who works at a weed store is likely to carry more than 20 dollars worth of weed. This argument does not persuade the
cops. In desperation Winston says,“ Check the bag holding my bottle of rye. There is a ‘time of sale’ printed on the receipt which proves that I was at the liquor store less than 15 minutes ago. I got here just before you guys kicked down the door. I do not work here.” The French Canadian digs his hand into the paper bag and finds the receipt. The time of sale corroborates Winston’s story and the cops begrudgingly lets him go. Walking away from the crime scene Winston feels upset. He is short twenty bucks, out a bag of weed, his nose is bleeding, and it is starting to rain. He zips up his jacket to hide his bloodstained shirt and removes a toque from his pocket to wipe his face. Winston puts his head down and frowns, knowing that he will have to walk six extra blocks to find another weed store.
HOROSCOPES: CONOR HOLLER Try as you might fellow Aquarians, but nostalgia and confusion are difficult foes to evade. Use them to your advantage though. Don’t be afraid to only write about things that happened at your high school, or various movies that you have recently seen. Life, after all, imitates Art. Right? In addition, this month you will rent the Cage/Travolta action hit, Face/Off, and will be disappointed at how fake it is, even for a movie. Happy birthday? Another cement mixer, if you please—free of charge!—AQUARIUS Jan 21-Feb
ARIES
March 21-April 20
I don’t know who you think you’re fooling in those basketball shorts, Aries, because it is the middle of winter and I know that you’re cold. Here’s a tip you should’ve already learned by now: buy some pants; wear them. Then scold the parents that you don’t have.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
As America’s middle-weight poorguy car you can expect a lot of crap in this lunar phase, Taurus—as usual. You are cheap and boring, so don’t be surprised when local idiot Curtis Martin tapes a blow-up doll to your roof and drives you through the mall food court in his underpants and a really embarrassing hat, subsequently winning Bradford High’s Graduation Prank Contest for the second year in a row.
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
cancer
June 22-July 22
You have a piece of beef in your teeth. No, not there. Further to the right. You are missing it completely. Alllmossst…No. Oh just let me do it! You are my best friend for crying out loud!
July 23-Aug 22
The way I see it, you’ve got two options: You can give up and keep living here, in these woods—like a madman. Or, you can get into this chopper with me, and come back to work for the government, one last time. Now grab your nun-chucks and your M16, and let’s go find the guy that killed your brother.
VIRGO
Aug 23-Sept 23
I can’t believe how many scary diseases we have to worry about now (remember SARS?). If I were you Virgo, I would never go out. What if you get a superbug? Sure, a couple of days off school sounds like a pretty sweet prospect, but what if you end up dying in a hospital bed and the only thing on TV is MASH and Povich?
LIBRA
Sept 24-Oct 23
Just join the PEN 15 club already, Libra. Everyone’s seen you hanging around, conveniently, when the meetings finish up—we all know what you want. Remember though, it ain’t an easy livin’. It’s not all cash and broads. First off, everyone gets their start as an errand boy. And then maybe, maybe, you’ll get introduced to the DON. Now bring me another pepperoni.
scorpio
Oct 24-Nov 22
Listen Scorpio, or Ramirez, or whatever your name is: when you
play spin the bottle as a teen, it’s youthful, and innocent, and exploratory. Fine, I get it. But when you’re playing spin the bottle as a MAN and not a BOY, you are about two hits of ecstasy away from a full-blown sex party, Mister.
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 Be on the lookout for racism this month, Sagittarius. Not because this month will be particularly racist, but because it will probably be funny. You and your grandpa can bond over it.
Conor is one part of the comedy collective Bronx Cheer. Together, they host a rotating series of free comedy shows (sketch, improv, monologs) that happen every Tuesday at 8pm at Montmartre Café (4362 Main).They also have a website: bronxcheercomedy.com Photography: Michelle Ford
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 I say fuck the man, fuck your parents, and fuck your husband. Piercings are the anti-aging cream for the 21st century, so pierce your eyebrow if you want to, Capricorns. It’s your fucking eyebrow. Besides, your friend Jenny has one and it looks awesome, especially when she wears that midriff bearing shirt she bought at Y2K last month.
PISCES
Feb 20-March 20
Could you be a little more difficult to spell please? To be honest, I’m surprised you made it this far—with your complicated silent letters! Pull your socks up, man. Why don’t you do us all a favour and become a fisherman or start playing a pro-sport—you need a nickname.
ION MAGAZINE
I’ve always wondered who was leaving boxes of soggy pornomags in the woods. Surely there are better ways of dealing with your porn disposal, Gemini. It’s like you don’t even care that your erotic waste dumps are responsible for, like, a billion unsolved boners each year.
Leo
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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
HOROSCOPES
COMICS
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