Vol 6 Issue 46 • FREE
The Kills Alan Thicke The Raveonettes I Lick My Cheese
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TABLE OF CONTENTS 14 Editor’s Letter The art world is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side. 16 Of the Month Movies where a lot of people die, games where you kill a lot of demons, cats that are fluffy and hate mail gone horribly wrong. 19 ION the Prize 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Fun fact about Sam Kerr: he was film editor of this magazine for one issue. During his reign he threatened to assault a writer for handing in their article late. 47 Horoscopes Uh oh, Ernold Sane returns to write the horoscopes this month. Never a good sign for the month ahead. 48 The Perry Bible Fellowship
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CULTURE 20 I Lick My CheeseI always used to pee in my roommate’s shampoo when I was mad at him for eating my food. Guess I could have just left a note saying the cheese had been licked.
FASHION 22 24
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Nicole Bridger A new rising talent in the Vancouver fashion scene. Wait a min ute, there’s a Vancouver fashion scene? Sacred Heart This month’s fashion editorial shot by David Fierro and styled by Amy Lu.
FILM 32 Alan Thicke Only in the magazine because Robin Thicke denied our repeated interview requests.
MUSIC 36 The Kills Oh my God, this guy is engaged to Kate Moss and he’s in this magazine! 38 The Raveonettes The second coming of The Jesus and Mary Chain 42 Poster Art: Justin LaFontaine Part of our ongoing effort to try not to ignore people from Alberta. 44 Album Reviews 45 Five to One: The Teenagers Sure to be included on the upcoming Much Music release, Blog Party Jams 2007.
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ION Magazine Publisher
Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editor Photo Editor Art Director Designers Designer Dept. Intern
Volume 6 Number 2 Issue 46
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Samantha Langdorf Steven Evans Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Aina Kawamoto
Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Office Intern Jill Pakulak Contributing Writers: Nojan Aminosharei, Chad R. Buchholz, Joseph Delamar, Stefana Fratila, Jessica Grajczyk, Sam Kerr, Samantha Langdorf, Patricia Matos, Kellen Powell, Jill Pakaluk, Ernold Sane, Dr. Ian Super. Contributing Photographers and Illustrators:Toby Marie Bannister, Kris Krüg, David Fierro, Tyler Quarles, Ben Tour ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Hey wait, do they even sell iPhones in Canada yet? We don’t care. Just make it happen. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca
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Cover Credits Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Kerry Weinrauch - NOBASURA.com Hair: Tania Becker - Moods Hair Salon / Liz Bell Make-up/Grooming: Jon Hennessey - NOBASURA.com Model: Cam Dales Illustration by Ben Tour - thetourshow.com Clothing: Shirt Bertoni at Lark, Tie A.P.C. at Eugene Choo
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
ART SCHOOLED Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
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Being sleep deprived at 3 am with a high-speed internet connection and a Paypal account can get you into trouble. My friends will never let me live down that authentic alien corpse I paid $800 for. Sometimes though, impaired judgement and twoclick payment can be a good thing. I was reading a news site and a member informed everyone that a highly sought after art print was just released. It was a nifty work by a famous artist (It was a portrait of some guy named Barack Obama in case you were curious). The kicker is it went on sale while the entire continent of people who would want it were asleep. If you have any experience purchasing sought after art prints, you’ll know scoring one typically involves 24 hours of sitting in front of your computer hitting the refresh button every five minutes. When they eventually go on sale they’re sold out in under five seconds—no joke, this actually happens. I’m saying all this in hindsight though. My thought process at the time was “Looks cool. Wouldn’t hang it on the wall but it’s only $45. Sure, why not?” Then I pulled the trigger and promptly
passed out. The next morning when I checked out the news site there were a bunch of babies crying foul that they missed the sale of this print. A quick hop over to ebay, where all the world’s greatest artists go to sell their wares, and you could see the demand for this print was crazy. The first one went for $400. The next one went for $600. Then over the next few days $800, $1000, $1800, $2800. My heart was palpitating. I still hadn’t received the print in the mail but I’ve listened to “The Gambler” by Kenny Rogers at least twice and knew it was time cash in my chips, so I listed the print on ebay. I’ve now entered the morally dubious world of the art flipper (a euphemism the art world uses to refer to flippers is the secondary market). People who flip art are loved by people who own the work and loathed by people who don’t. Loved by the haves since they drive up the prices. Loathed by the have-nots since they’re getting charged outrageous amounts of cash for something they want. What do the artists think of art flippers? It is my understanding that artists love it when you buy
their work for cheap then turn around and sell it at an inflated price. Who wouldn’t? It turns out I was mistaken.The glee of watching the bidding escalate on my ebay auction was cut short when I received an email from the assistant of the artist who made the prints. He informed me that I had been busted flipping his work, they were canceling my order and the print would be given to someone who plans to hang it on their wall. After I finished reading the email, as if on cue, I received another email from Paypal informing me I had just been refunded my $45. I responded to the assistant with about a million questions. Do I not have the right to sell something I own? How much time needs to pass before you’re allowed to sell a piece of art you own? Isn’t this all a little Orwellian? But I got no response. I’ll just blame the whole sad affair on a finicky and pretentious artist. So there’s nothing I can do except constantly refresh the artist’s page and wait for the next big print to drop. However, next time, I’ll wait till I have the piece in hand before I make the big sale.
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 18
apple bottoms Photography Fiona Garden - NOBASURA.com Styling Leila Bani - THEYrep.com The prize this month is from Apple Bottoms, the clothing line for women designed by rapper Nelly. Since the release of his Apple Bottoms Jeans, the original denim collection has grown to include mini-skirts, shirts, shorts and sweat-suits made to fit women of all shapes and sizes. The Apple Bottoms brand, named after the shapely behinds of Nelly’s target consumers, celebrates the fact that not all women are supermodel skinny, nor are their backsides. Says Nelly: “It was always about the fit. Now, we have studied all ya’ll different shapes and sizes…of every origin, race, colour, and make up…don’t worry we gotchu covered…aight…fo sho, check ‘em out…” Well put, Nelly. Bottoms up! To enter, go to www.ionmagazine.ca Makeup Jon Hennessey - NOBASURA.com Hair Tania Becker - Moods Hair Salon / Liz Bell Manicure Christina Culver Model Willow Stylist’s own bra by Christian Dior
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 20
dvd DVD Wristcutters: Darjeeling A Love Story Limited
DVD Book No Country Milk Teeth For Old Men Remember the amazing album art
The story in this one doesn’t start until the protagonist Zia (Patrick Fugit) slits his wrists and dies. Following that, Zia gets a job at the local pizzeria in a shithole afterworld where people who commit suicide are banished to. Everything there is the same, just a little worse. It’s not all bad, though. Zia has a friend named Eugene, who looks and acts exactly like Eugene from Gogol Bordello. The two take a road trip and meet a pretty hitchhiker named Mikal. Romance may be in the air between Zia and Mikal, but the problem is she’s on a quest to find out who’s in charge as she didn’t mean to kill herself and is there by accident. Then the three of them end up at a commune where Tom Waits is the leader and insignificant miracles happen. We’re not making this up. Go watch it.
Call it! Okay we will. A pile of bodies. A suitcase full of money. Unconventional weapons. A lot of self-surgery. One thousand times your recommended daily allowance of suspense. The Coen Brothers directing Josh Brolin, Tommy Lee Jones, Woody Harrelson and Javier Bardem. You may not know Javier Bardem’s name yet, but you’ll never be able to forget his face by the end of this one. You know how at the end of It’s a Wonderful Life you went “Wow, it really is a wonderful life?” Well at the end of this one you’ll be lamenting “Man, it really is no country for old men.” That, and you’ll probably try to remember what’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss.
Who wants soup? Raise your hand. Okay, now raise your hand if you want a new movie from Wes Anderson. Okay, here you go then. In his latest offering, three dysfunctional brothers who don’t trust each other take a luxury train trip across India to reconnect. Armed with drinks, smokes, over-the-counter Indian muscle relaxants, and the best custom LV luggage set you’ve ever seen, the trio visit some of the most spiritual places in the entire world. That might sound a little boring but keep in mind the brothers are Owen Wilson, Jason Schwartzman and Adrien Brody. And the film has Wes Anderson’s trademark quirks, art direction and cinematography. Once again Wes Anderson succeeds at making you care about characters you should loathe (i.e. rich idiots with stupid family issues). It’s Wes Anderson’s most low-key film to date. It’s also one of his best.
on Neko Case’s Fox Confessor Brings the Flood? That was Julie Morstad’s work. If that left you wanting more, you can pick up her new book, Milk Teeth from Drawn and Quarterly.This book is full of fun and whimsical drawings from one of Canada’s best illustrators and will impress all your friends if you casually leave it lying on your coffee table. Aside from the illustrations, another great thing about this book is it won’t break the bank like most other art books will (your friends don’t need to know that though). If you just can’t get enough of Julie’s work, she has a show going on at the Atelier Gallery in Vancouver. www.juliemorstad.com
Game Devil May Cry 4 You’ve got a gun, a gas-powered sword and an arm with demonic powers. No, this isn’t another Evil Dead movie, it’s Devil May Cry 4 from Capcom (a.k.a. the company that your Street Fighter 2 quarters built). You’re Nero, a member of a religious organization called the Order of the Sword. When your leader appears to be assassinated, it’s up to you to track down his murderer. Along the way you battle all sorts of horrific creatures from hell. Our personal favourite is the giant frog boss which really needs to be seen to be believed. All in all, this is a ridiculously slick looking and blasphemous button masher.
Pets Maximum Look at this diabolical and fluffy guy. He can be lovely and purring yet slay you at the same moment. Max’s full-time job is looking fabulous and making mad bucks from acting in toilet paper commercials. In his spare time, he sits on Ernst Blofeld’s lap and purs while the Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion’s latest scheme gets thwarted by James Bond. Send your animal pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca to have them immortalized in print.
Correction Last issue we incorrectly printed Amy Lu’s website. The real url for her website is www.amylu.ca.
Contributor Fanmail JESSICA From Sonia at 2 am: dear michael mann, GRAJCZYK are your knees sore from sucking so much black mountain cock?
Michael replies: dear sonia, no, cuz I’m really really short and don’t need to kneel. Sonia replies: Hello, This is Sonia. I am very concerned about this e-mail I got as I did not and would not send you this e-mail. I am wondering who did. I do not know who you are or why someone sent you this.This is my work e-mail address and I have let a casual staff use my screen login and my e-mail box is on the desktop. But I just wanted to clear up, I don’t know who you are, I would never write that. And I am sorry for the rude e-mail you received. Sonia replies again minutes later: I figured it out. It was Joseph. I hope it was in jest, but unfortunately that message was forwarded to all my co-workers, and bosses, as all our work e-mails are.
ION MAGAZINE
Jessica interviewed Alan Thicke for us this month. When she was just nine years old, Jessica started a make-shift publishing operation out of her parents’ duplex. Despite using crayons and scotch tape on foolscap, she received such favourable feedback that she immediately quit her gig in friendship bracelet sales to pursue a career in writing. She went on to amazingly complete a degree in a related field while consuming an average of five pitchers of crappy beer per week, surrounded by bingo halls and strip clubs in the armpit of Canada (aka Windsor, Ontario). After going slightly off-track and working in radio for several years, she became so annoyed with herself that she gave up the prospect of increasing her un-opened top-40 promo CD collection for the opportunity to one day interview sitcom superstars of the ‘80s.
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PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE BLOKES
OONAGH O’HAGAN’S I LICK MY CHEESE Words Samantha Langdorf The apartment was bad enough to begin with. Situated directly above a fried chicken take-out restaurant the space wasn’t exactly a dream come true, but for Oonagh O’Hagan, a British designer, writer, and lecturer, it was necessitated by the debt she had amassed during university. “It was this hell-hole of a flat filled with a group of unknown eccentrics, one of whom was a prolific note-writer. She was incredibly odd. She had four locks on her bedroom door and whenever we went to talk to her we could hear all these locks sliding around before she would finally open the door. She always struck me as this sort of reclusive Jane Austen character, holed up in her room knitting drawstring bags to hold her cake tins.” After a while of living together, O’Hagan and the rest of her roommates began to receive multiple notes a day from the note-writer. “At first they seemed relatively normal, but then they escalated to addressing things that weren’t even happening. Honestly, I think they were happening inside of her head,” O’Hagan says laughing. She began collecting all of the notes, quietly developing an idea for their use but it wasn’t until five years later that her collection of notes evolved into the recently released book entitled I Lick My Cheese and Other Notes From the Frontlines of Flatsharing. Through her current work consulting design firms and advertising agencies on brand development, O’Hagan is responsible for predicting trends in society. “I am always looking at the way people live, why they love some things and hate others. When I was living with the note-writer I began to wonder if other people were having similar experiences. I wondered if this was a trend that was happening outside of my flat.” O’Hagan began asking her friends and colleagues about their experiences with roommates. The response she got was overwhelming and she recognized that she had touched on a topic that was easy to relate to.“I realized that there was this whole sub-strata of society living together and experiencing tension.”
Following her discovery, O’Hagan began to add to her personal collection of notes. She invited her friends to pass her notes that they had written or received. She also advertised for submissions from her students at St. Martin’s College in London, England. As her assortment of notes grew, O’Hagan created a website that features submitted notes, roommate advertisements, and tips for dealing with common roommate complaints. Five years passed and O’Hagan continued working on a number of freelance projects, all the while maintaining her interest in roommate relations.The idea for the book evolved over this time period. “It was something that everyone was interested in,” she explains. “Once I got people talking, they all seemed to have a funny or horrible story about a past roommate. And the thing was I couldn’t find much literature on the subject.” Scattered with exclamation points, underlinings, and crude illustrations, the notes in O’Hagan’s book humorously illustrate the issues that arise between roommates. They cover a variety of topics, with food and money topping the list of concerns that roommates have with one another. As O’Hagan observes, “I guess when you’re living hand to mouth there’s nothing worse than knowing someone has stolen your pasta.” The book’s title, I Lick My Cheese, came from a note that O’Hagan received two times from separate individuals. “After I received that note twice, I realized that people were developing these methods for dealing with difficult roommates. They were like the urban legends of shared housing.” In many instances, the duller the notes were, the more interesting they were to O’Hagan. Her favourite note was one left in the kitchen. “The onion is in the fridge,” it said. “That one almost made me sad,” says O’Hagan. As the notes continued to roll in, O’Hagan became increasingly fascinated with how the project evolved into a study of human relations.“In romantic relationships it’s acceptable to talk about your problems, whereas in roommate relationships this
can be difficult because sometimes you don’t even know or like the person that you’re living with. It’s a more intimate relationship than coworkers but not as intimate as a marriage. It’s this weird middle ground that still hasn’t really been explored.” In England, as in North America, the only popular depictions of roommates are through television shows such as Friends. “In television there is this romantic idea that living with roommates is going to be fun and wild, and of course it’s not always like that. Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it’s just shit. I think people are starting to realize that it isn’t as romantic as they thought it would be. It’s actually quite hard work.” The book also illustrates some of the positive aspects of living with roommates. There are notes of thanks, encouragement, and even budding love, but mainly O’Hagan chose to focus on the passiveaggressive stuff. “The more I thought about it, the more I wanted this project to reach a massive demographic, and humor is such a great vehicle for getting people interested.” It seems her prediction has come true. The book experienced immediate success upon its November 2007 release in Great Britain. O’Hagan attributes the success to its authenticity.“I think people like the genuine quality of the book because it gives them an opportunity to relate their own experiences to those depicted in the book. In that sense, it can be quite cathartic.” O’Hagan has considerable aspirations for the project. She would like to see the website grow into an international online community that gives people an opportunity to air their grievances while networking with like-minded individuals. Currently the book is available in the UK but O’Hagan is in talks to do a North American version. She wants to start collecting notes from Canada and the USA, and she is excited to see how they will differ from their European counterparts. Roommates interested in submitting notes can visit O’Hagan’s website: www.flatmatesanonymous.com
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CULTURE FASHION
FILM MUSIC
NICOLE BRIDGER Words Victoria Potter Photography Kris Krug Styling Kerry Weinrauch @ NOBASURA.com
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After interning under British designer Vivienne Westwood and winning BC Fashion Week’s Generation Next Designer award, Nicole Bridger is set to hit the national fashion scene with a bang. Upon returning to the west coast from her internship in London, Bridger found she caught flack from her decision to return to Vancouver. This did not deter her. “We can either ignore Vancouver or improve it,” she says. “There is a lot of opportunity for growth in this city, and other places already have so many designers. Besides that, my family is here and this city is where I want to be.” When creating her company, she drew upon her history as a business partner of Chip Wilson
of Lululemon. “When I returned to the west coast, I was helping my friends create a company. I approached Chip for advice, and he offered to start a business with me.” Their collaboration produced Oqoqo, a sustainable yoga wear line which supplied Bridger with valuable business experience and laid the groundwork for her own label. Her inspiration to create pieces using sustainable practices and materials comes from growing up in Vancouver.“I was always conscious of the importance of recycling,” she says, “I see it as a natural choice.” Bridger notes she has always swayed towards an environmentally conscious style; and that even in university she used natural fibers. Her spring collection is a balance of femininity and practicality, with silhouettes that still push the boundaries of mainstream design. For inspiration, she reflects on life lessons she learns while she is creating, and the colours are drawn out of those life lessons. “At the time I was designing this col-
lection I was planning my wedding, so it is very introspective,” she says. Her personal attention is demonstrated throughout her collection, right down to details such as “I am love” written on the labels of her pieces. As Bridger prepares for the future of her brand, she remains positive and is firm that she will always keep pushing the boundaries of her designs while remaining a supporter of local production. When asked about what her line will provide in the future, she states “this will be a label that has the basics as well as a runway look; it will have pieces that you can rely on that you know are high fashion, reliable and a source of inspiration.” Nicole Bridger plans on opening up her first boutique in Vancouver in the near future, and expanding her socially conscious collections thereafter. Her line is currently available at retail locations throughout Canada and the United States. Visit www.nicolebridger.com for more information.
Hair Tania Becker - Moods Hair Salon / Liz Bell Make-Up Andrea Tiller Model Robyn @ Richard’s Models Clothing gold & silver ring by Digby & Iona from The Block, 24ct gold leaf ring by Poupette from Umeboshi, gold & silver crocheted necklace by Ariell De Pinto from Two of A Few
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photography. david fierro
fashion stylist. amy lu
make-up. lucyanne lizbell agency
hair. tania becker lizbell agency
model. jess richard’s model management fierrophotography.com lizbellagency.com amylu.ca richardsmodels.com dress by vera wang at holt renfrew
next page. knickers with garter by the lake and stars at
holt renfrew. stockings by hue. sweater by 3.1 phillip lim
facing page. bra and knickers by the lake and stars at holt renfrew. sweater by chloe at holt renfrew. this page. vintage slip and necklace at deluxe junk company
silk slip by vera wang at holt renfrew. yellow sweater by chloe at holt renfrew. shoes by marni at holt renfrew. vintage ring at deluxe junk company
previous page. faux fur jacket by prada at holt renfrew. vintage rings at deluxe junk company. shoes by chie mihara at holt renfrew. this page. faux fur vest by prada at holt renfrew.
CULTURE
IN THE THICKE
FASHION
ALAN THICKE FROM jPOD Words Jessica Grajczyk
FILM MUSIC
Mike Seaver’s best friend was Boner. Aside from that, there wasn’t much else in the way of eyebrow-raising material on Growing Pains. I usually get a warm fuzzy feeling when reminiscing about the sitcom hijinx I enjoyed in my childhood. Now, I get a different feeling as I watch Hawaiian-shirt-clad, over-tanned Alan Thicke on a new CBC show called jPod and he’s talking about a girl at least 30 years his junior riding him like a mechanical bull. Sharing the laughter and love has a whole new meaning. I’m not sure what to make of it all, but I think I like it. I feel like a shy little girl with a side ponytail again as I pick up the phone and hear the familiar voice of Dr. Jason Seaver, one of America’s top 50 Greatest TV Dads of All Time. I ask him what it’s like to play a different kind of dad. “I hope to be in one of the top five Canadian dads of all time, although this guy is clearly not the same type of role model,” Thicke says of playing Jim Jarlewski, father of jPod’s main character, Ethan (David Kopp). “He’s manipulative and exploitative rather than nurturing and understanding. That’s what I liked about the role. This guy has no accountability and there’s something endearing about that.” jPod is based on the novel of the same name by Douglas Coupland and is about video game designers in the Google-era at a fictitious company called Neotronic Arts, where Jim’s son is employed. A far cry from the lovable psychiatrist and wholesome father we welcomed into our homes, Jim is a rum and Gatorade chugging, adulterous, laid off engineer-turned-movie-extra with a high grade grow-op in his basement. His wife Carol (Sherry Miller) is the resident horticulturist and neighbourhood pusher. This couple is nothing like the PG-rated Maggie and Jason, but there’s something still lovable about them.
Thicke and I talk about the heightened entertainment value when a historically typecast actor breaks from the norm. I recall experiencing a strange tinge of satisfaction while hearing the most twisted filth come out of Danny Tanner’s mouth in The Aristocrats, a documentary about a legendary joke told between comics backstage. The joke is really a contest to see who can concoct the nastiest story out of every socially unacceptable situation one could think of, including bodily fluids, incest, and bestiality. I ask Thicke
a co-ed snow football tournament. When asked to compare working on a US network sitcom to a CBC show, he believes that the mother corporation is finally on a level playing field. “You couldn’t have the all-star team that you can now assemble [on the CBC]… your technicians, your audio people, your lighting, your directors, your writers are just as good as anywhere in the world now. We’ve really developed an entertainment industry that can really compete anywhere. I was blown away when I showed up this year at the CBC launch and saw all the new shows that look terrific and expensive. It’s a whole new world for me, kind of an eye opener.” Soon, we will see Thicke venturing even further into the world of envelope-pushing comedy. He tells me about his recent experience on the set of a new Will Ferrell-produced film about used car salesmen called The Goods: The Don Ready Story, scheduled for release later this year. “Once they nail the script they encourage you to do a couple of takes improvising and to keep in line with the scatological tone of their rather brilliant improvisation, I had to stretch the parameters of my own vocabulary in ways that you usually save for private moments,” he says. I tell him how surprised I was to hear some of his lines in the first episode of jPod, like when he describes how his thighs are “bruised like a crate of plums” after a romp in the sack with his latest fling. “Yeah, and that was public television at 9pm! Imagine the Will Ferrell movie! It’s pretty funny, I’m sure you’re going to like it.”
“He’s manipulative and exploitive rather than nurturing and understanding. That’s what I liked about the role. This guy has no accountability and there’s something endearing about that.”
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about the extent of envelope pushing in his career. “It’s hard for me to say those words, but I used to write for Richard Pryor and Flip Wilson and Cosby who said a lot of things on television – I mean Pryor in particular. I was his head writer on a TV series [The Richard Pryor Special?]. I couldn’t say those things myself but I would write stuff for other people to say. I kind of squirm,” he says. Like Thicke’s transition, the CBC appears to be going from your grandpa’s favourite broadcaster to a channel 20-somethings might actually watch with shows like The Hour and jPod. He agrees that the CBC has come a long way since he had his first on-camera experience there 40 years ago, when they paid him $65 to report on
jPod is on CBC on Fridays at 9pm. You can watch it online at www.cbc.ca/jpod
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CULTURE FASHION
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 38
Y
oung bands hate the media. Well, they pretend to hate us. In reality, young bands are tickled by the idea of their faces in print, and they’re current opinions and politics being absorbed by an army of followers. The frustrating part is that they are rarely candid about anything, and give fake-introverted interviews that are overdone and the equivalent of press photos of the band in leather jackets, guy-liner, and pensive looks away from the camera. With all the research I did on the hip, young London band The Kills, I was dreading the forthcoming interview, assuming that I was going to get fed some anti-corporate, anti-media rhetoric, and wind up feeling empty by the end of it. Jamie “Hotel” Hince is not that kind of guy though, even though he has every right to be. The media hounds him and starts seedy rumours (which will not be mentioned in this publication) and he’s been a counterculturist his entire life. Jamie surprised me and was candid, dry and courteous, in only a way that a Brit can be. I caught up with him on the phone from San Francisco, and it went swimmingly. “Allison (Mosshart, his counterpart in The Kills) and I have both been to the dentist in the last couple of days. We got in an altercation and she sat on my face.” Jamie starts off with a joke, laced with imagery that would make a teenage indie-boy need to change his pants. After a little giggle, I ask him about his oddly sponsored KY show earlier in the week. “We got to the venue about half an hour before we played, and normally I need about an hour to get really terrified. We went straight on stage this time and it felt completely right”. Warm and inviting as Jamie may seem, The Kills have the difficult task of living up to the title of Coolest-Band-Around at the moment, which often leaves bands cold with interviewers, trying not to let us in on the fact that they are human. The French press have been plastering the covers of all their music and style monthlies with the images of Jamie and Allison, which in the current state of music means that every hipster just HAS to mention them in every 2.4 sentences. Curious about the French fixation Jamie is slightly at a loss himself. “I dunno, I’ve always been surprised by that. I think French people really understand rock n roll, although they’re
terrible at making it themselves. I dunno though, we’ve had lots of conversations about why that might be. When we go and do interviews there, they’re always on such a different level. They want to talk about existentialism, and they think rock n roll is a proper kind of art form, whereas most people kind of think of it as an industry or something. The only thing I can conclude is that it comes from centuries of revolution and they’ve got a really strong philosophy history. Maybe that’s why they think too much.” Remember six years ago when rock n roll was having a peculiar resurgence? Remember the Yeah Yeah Yeahs? Remember The Von Bondies? Remember The Thrills, The Killers, and everyone lumping The Kills into that group? I do, and I shivered a little when I received a watermarked copy of The Kills’ upcoming release Midnight Boom. Shaving a few points off my prejudice quotient (or PQ), I slipped the album into a CD player and what hit me immediately was something that hadn’t ever stuck out the first time I listened to a record. The drums are WRITTEN perfectly. Each track syncopated properly and in the song appropriately. Where did this backbone come from? “It’s kind of naivety really. I got this new drum machine... well an old drum machine really. Those drum beats were really just the process of me learning how to use it. The MPC60 that I used was really designed for dance music and hip hop, but I really wanted to see what I could do with that. With my sort of own spazzy, white boy rock n roll drum beat feel.” What about production from Alex Epton (AKA Armani XXXChange of Spankrock fame)? “[Alex] was after about a year and a half. I mean we wrote 40 songs in a year and a half, all different kinds of songs, until we really got into the groove of it being Midnight Boom. The first few songs we wrote were kind of acoustic songs I suppose, but the whole process took about a year and a half, and Alex put in about two weeks after we’d recorded everything. And I think it was just after working so hard for a year and a half with instruments I’m not used to like drum machines and all that. I did get a bit worried and lost confidence in that drum machine territory. It was really the first time a drum machine sounded really like a drum machine, beforehand it wasn’t sounding so much
like that. So I lost a bit of confidence and I wanted it to sound like a rock n roll record, but I wanted to sort of take it somewhere else. I guess I got Alex in cause I loved Yoyoyo and I got him in to sort of give me some feedback, really, on whether we made a terrible record or not.” Jamie Hince is a Londoner living in an American world. Not only is his partner Allison Mosshart American, but the blues are generally considered a trademark of the star-spangled variety. One must remember however that the best white bluesmen have often been from across the pond. Think of John Mayall, (and not Eric Clapton). The
we were using came from various places like Stax studios, and the EQs from Ike and Tina. Y’know I’m a sucker for that kind of thing.” Well, you’ve got to be. Jamie grew up as somewhat of an anarchist, which has always been reflected in his music and punk stylings. The Kills have never really played ball with the music business, and outwardly show no interest in their music being in ads or ringtones. Being that these are two of the only ways that contemporary pop bands are making money at the moment, I asked him if this upsets their label, Domino.“It’s unique with Domino because we only ever wanted to sign with Domino, it seemed like the only label that was doing the right thing in the right way. They’ve had some success since when we first started with them. When we signed, they only had six people working there, and now there’s like 36. It’s important to keep an eye on things that are going on there though, because I don’t want things to turn into a corporate routine. I don’t want our band to be just another band that’s doing things to just try and sell more records. I don’t CARE about selling records, I really couldn’t care less. I don’t want to do... stupid things. Laurence Bell [head of Domino records] is well aware of what we’re about. He’s been through the mill with us, like refusing to do things. He signed us for those reasons in a way. He knows what we’re capable of and he knows what we’ll accept and what we won’t accept. I hope we’ve done enough to solidify that relationship with the label but we’ll see.” “Well, the album is great, you’ve made a fan out of me. I can’t stop listening to it and playing it for people”, I assure him. “Oh, thank you. Thank you so much. Play it for whoever you like, just don’t give out the record. I’m not even thinking about it in the idea of sharing music, and not getting paid for it, I couldn’t give a fuck about that, I’m not getting paid anyway, I’m so broke. I just want it to be a surprise when it comes out y’know?” It was a surprise. A big surprise. -Trevor Risk
“We just absolutely hated [LA]. It was like everyone was wearing shorts and flip-flops, and you just cannot make a rock n roll record with those sort of surroundings.”
Catch The Kills live in Montreal at Cabaret on May 4, in Toronto at Opera House on May 6 and in Vancouver at Richard’s on Richards on May 14. Their new album Midnight Boom comes out March 4 on Domino.
ION MAGAZINE
Kills recorded Midnight Boom in the sleepy, 90 percent black, skid town of Benton Harbour, Michigan—a stop on the lake known mostly because the doomed ABA franchise, the Twin City Ballers played, a few games there, (it’s also the home of “comedian” Sinbad. “It’s pretty much a burnt-out town with no future. When we first started to record the record, I had this idea that we could do it in LA, because.... oh hold on a sec.” Quietly in the background I can hear Jamie pleading innocent to what may be a hotel worker. “Mini bar? No I didn’t. Uh, what was I saying? So I had this idea of doing it in LA because it was so un-Kills, and somehow putting these two things together would make for a really unexpected record. So we went to LA and we just absolutely hated it. It was like everyone was wearing shorts and flip-flops, and you just cannot make a rock n roll record with those sort of surroundings. So we up-rooted and went back to Benton Harbour in Michigan. It felt right. It’s important to me when you’re writing and recording that it feels like a secret, like you’ve run away and holed yourself up without any distractions.” Jamie agrees “There’s a pretty rich rock n roll history in Michigan as well”, I add. “A lot of gear
39
CULTURE FASHION
FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 40
LOVE, LUST AND PSYCHOCANDY
THE RAVEONETTES
Words Chad R. Buchholz Illustration Tyler Quarles The Raveonettes have got a lot of press over the course of their existence for what essentially boils down to the music world’s incredulity at their ability to reinvent the wheel. The first two albums by the duo were recorded with the stipulation that all songs be played using the same three chords and in the same key. What those chords and keys were is staggeringly unimportant; what is worth noting is that the tactics employed were in many ways similar to those of the founding mothers and fathers of rock n roll. The muscle was simple, economical, and hummable, in a way that seemed relatively novel when compared to the jittery spasm called dance-punk that was breaking around the same time. Something that seemed to get lost in the initial excitement of what The Raveonettes were doing was the fact that countless other bands have done the exact same three-chord shit in the 50-whatever years since rock n roll was born. It wasn’t a case of the old being new again; it was a case of a band being sharp enough to recognize that at least in the world of rock n roll, some things are just timeless. Of course, that was then, and this is now. The Raveonettes’ latest record, Lust Lust Lust, came out in February and it makes clear what it was that made anybody take notice of the band in the first place: sex appeal. Out are stylistic restrictions. In is a deeply personal examination of Raveonettes co-singer and primary songwriter Sune Rose Wagner’s relationship with the most delicious of the deadly sins. While lust, sex, desire, distance and closeness have always been present in he and his partner-in-crime Sharin Foo’s music, the 12 songs chosen to make up Lust put it front and centre. “I’m a lustful man,” Wagner replies when asked about how his work on the album fits into a Western society that seems obsessed with the same topic,“but you’re asking the wrong person.
I only speak from personal experience on this album, and I certainly don’t have any answers. My problem with lust is that it overtakes me most of the time, and I always want more and new things. I’m having difficulty staying put. I move around a lot.” Lust Lust Lust is arguably a much ‘bigger’ sounding record than anything the band has done in the past. Opener “Aly, Walk With Me” may best represent this, coming across like the sonic equivalent of slinking through a deserted Manhattan under a brewing late summer electrical storm. It’s malevolent and beautiful all at once, striking the balance that comes to define the album through tracks like “Lust,” “Expelled From Love,” and melancholy closer “The Beat Dies.” However, despite Lust’s relative enormity, the band is touring the album as a three-piece, rather than with the five-piece setup employed for their previous album Pretty In Black. According to Wagner, this arrangement works just fine.“The live show sounds bigger than ever,” he says. “It always seems [that] the less instrumentation, the bigger the sound, and that definitely goes for us.” When you think about it, this makes perfect sense. It becomes apparent that the relative space of the instrumentation in Lust ends up giving the record its character. In fact, one might say that space is the ingredient that makes The Raveonettes brand of noise and sexual tension so desirable. Yeah, Sharin Foo is a babe and Wagner is the kind of guy girls throw themselves at, but it’s the way the two of them manage to come across as simultaneously earnest and disinterested, inviting and reclusive, honest and secretive that makes them so attractive. Regarding this musical and personal tightrope walking, Wagner elaborates, “The balance is very important for us—I like the contrast in the music and the images that the music projects. If
everything is fine and dandy people get bored and life seems bland and uninspired. I need to let some darkness slip through, to paint it a different colour.” This allows the listener to view the quasibubble gum pop of first single “You Want The Candy” in a whole new light. The video for the song was directed and edited by Wagner himself, and has stirred up some minor controversy in the band’s native Denmark and across the great idiot-democracy known as the internet blogosphere.“The song is about scoring drugs on Manhattan’s Lower East Side,” Wagner explains, “and the disappointment and lows you feel when it doesn’t pan out the way you want it to. I made the video myself to show what we’ve experienced, and I put a photo of a girl snorting blow in there and people freaked out about it. “But to us, and to many bands out there, it’s everyday life and part of being in a rock and roll band—no big deal, if you ask me. I’m not saying I condone drug use, I’m just saying we see it on a daily basis and have sort of become use to it.” Sex, drugs, rock n roll, and the great potential cliché it all could amount to. Still,The Raveonettes manage to avoid simple classification. When I had earlier questioned him about how he felt about the various comparisons made between the band and musical acts from the past, Wagner replied, “It seems that once somebody makes a reference to someone everybody buys into it and becomes a follower, which I hate. Make up your own mind about our music and you’ll enjoy it a lot more.” Maybe in these terms The Raveonettes can be seen as the rock n roll personification of the lusted-after object; you can attempt to rationalize and define them all you want, but you’re going to have a way better time just giving in to what feels the best, right now, no regrets. Lust Lust Lust is out now on VICE
ION MAGAZINE 41
FASHION
Justin Lafontaine
CULTURE
FILM
MUSIC
ION MAGAZINE
42
POSTER ART
Justin originally started his poster career in Edmonton (The City of Champions), and now works out of Calgary (a city of... lesser champions I suppose). His work is classic and polished, with a different spin on the band depending on the venue and genre. He’s one of the country’s best footsoldiers in the fight against the lame Jager-bombing nightlife. We caught up with him and he explained his beginnings and the scene in Edmonton. “Initially I did a lot of poster work during school for people and bands around Edmonton. I got super inspired by guys doing stuff around the city like Lyle Bell, Matt Webb, and Raymond Biesinger. The music scene in that city is unbelievable, it’s impossible not to want to contribute to it in some way. Like, I can’t imagine doing posters for shows I didn’t care about. In Edmonton it’s really easy to care about the stuff going on. It’s a pretty inspiring scene.” Maybe the bigger cities across our land could take a lesson from Edmonton’s enthusiasm.
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ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 44
Blood on the Wall Liferz The Social Registry
Destroyer Trouble in Dreams Merge
Jamming. It’s that magical place
This may very well be the album that
where music is created purely for
pulls people out of their dark, boring
the enjoyment of those participating.
The Helio Sequence Keep Your Eyes Ahead Sub Pop
You know how the film 10,000 BC has
Harrisons NO FIGHTING IN THE WAR ROOM MELODIC
an official release date in “AD”? You
Nothing ground breaking here.
lead singer of the Helio Sequence, or
winter state and into one surreally
think “Gee, how clever!” Well, Neptune
England seems to be shitting out
Benjamin Weikel (drums and synth),
There is shredding. There is sweat.
sublime. The punches of crashing
triggers a similar kind of reaction with
gangs of angry young men with gui-
you cannot deny what I am about to
There is pure genius. However, like an
drums balanced with Daniel Bejar’s
how the first track is an all-vocal cult
tars these days at about the same vol-
tell you. Sometime in late 2004/early
inside joke, the genius is only enjoyed
swaying guitars and feverish vocal
sing-song. It’s great! What could have
ume it did smog during the Industrial
2005, after watching the 1986 clas-
by those involved.
twang already qualify Trouble in
been just another good album is an
Revolution. Some of it’s great, some of
sic The Fly, The Helio Sequence went
Rhythmic ambivalence; lyrical an-
Dreams as one of the year’s most im-
even better one because it starts out
it’s middling, some of it you wouldn’t
about building matter transporters
drogyny; a general disregard for me-
portant albums. In fact, one day when
like an early morning ritual. This en-
want to scrape off your shoe with a
known as “telepods.” After several
lodic reverence —Blood on the Wall
I get a time machine—and I will get
gaging beginning is the introduction
stick. A couple months ago I tore apart
failures, their efforts came down to one
supply this in buckets on their third
one—this album will come along,
to what The Duke Spirit do incredibly
a Hard-Fi album that really didn’t
final experiment: Summers stepped
full length, Liferz. The problem lies not
and there is no doubt in my mind it
well: variation. Each song has its own
sound so much different than this.
into his pod with a copy of Bob Dylan’s
in the effort of the composition, but in
will transcend the years only to sound
nature inside a loop of substance and
Hard-Fi, however, fucked their whole
autobiography while humming Don
the preconceived universe of the lis-
better in a different time. It could!
Liela Moss’s brilliant, raspy vocals.
shit up with grandiose delusions and
Maclean’s “American Pie.” Weikel
tener. Am I stupid because I don’t get
Maybe that’s where Bejar’s head was.
Some of the songs are brooding
misdirected quasi-politicisms, while
stepped into his with a Nintendo and
it or am I just stupid? It’s a good ques-
“Foam Hands” and “Blue Flower/Blue
Nick Cave mantras, while others are
the Harrisons, with basically the same
a 50-year-old version of himself (did
tion, but one I don’t believe BOTW is
Flame” are crippling standouts, while
genuine mosh pit callers. Why does it
format, manage to hit the level of
I mention that they had successfully
equipped to ask, simply because they
you may not know what to do with
sound good? Because Chris Goss pro-
‘repeat listener’ by sounding hungry,
invented time travel?). They flipped the
give me no reason to trust them.
yourself as you freak out a little when
duced it, that’s why (he did Queens
disillusioned, and aware of the fact
switch and in a single blast The Helio
What passes as art and what passes
“Shooting Rockets (From the Desk of
of the Stone Age). The album could
that it’s only rock n roll. Shit’s not go-
Sequence had changed forever. Keep
as entertainment are two wildly differ-
Night’s Ape)” comes on. It’s a dark,
have been a mess of genres, but it
ing to change the world, but we may
Your Eyes Ahead is a great album that’s
ent beasts. Music can be both. But if
epic turn for a band whose repertoire
turns out to sound really great. Glory
as well make some noise or dance a
songwriting and melodies only compli-
bands want to see themselves on the
is largely quirky dreamlike fare, mak-
is theirs! I only wish they had made a
bit or something. Oh, and they’re from
ment each other. Acoustic tracks,“Shed
nightly highlight reel after a shit hot
ing this direction perfect and maybe
few more references to methane gas
Sheffield, which means I’m contractu-
Your Love” and “Broken Afternoon,” can
jam session, they need to do a better
not so unexpected.
or at least sea gods.
ally obligated to say something about
almost sound familiar on the first listen.
★★★★✩
the Arctic Monkeys:“Banana Splits.”
“Can’t Say No” and “Keep Your Eyes
★★★★✩ –Chad R. Buchholz
Ahead” are great pop songs, and hell,
job of letting the listeners in on it. That means making them feel welcome before slaying them.
★✩✩✩✩
–Joseph Delmar
★★★★✩
–Patricia Matos
The Duke Spirit Neptune You Are Here
–Stefana Fratila
Unless you are Brandon Summers, the
“You Can Come to Me” uses the sound effect heard in Super Mario 3 when you run fast and then try to run the other way; “urrrrrrrrrrrp!”
★★★★✩
–Dr. Ian Super
Magnetic Fields Distortion Nonesuch
Bob Mould District Line Anti
Nada Surf Lucky Barsuk
I know the dude from the Magnetic
If you don’t have an older brother,
“Wait, is it 1996 again and nobody told
Fields is supposed to be gay, but
lemme catch you up. Bob Mould
me?”Tell people you’re reviewing a Nada
that’s either a shame or a straight
was the leader of a band that, along
Surf album, and this is what you’ll get,
up scam because he has got to be
with REM, is credited with creating
because by all accounts the New York trio
knee deep in women at this point.
indie rock. They were called Husker
should have long ago faded away into
This band is basically designed to
Dü, and they were great. Later in life,
the musical equivalent of that old star
make girls fall in love with them. The
after many counted him out and
quarterback-cum-shoe salesman cliché.
sad, droning, slightly distorted quality
were ready to hail him as a ghost of
Since their sarcastic mid-90’s high school
makes it seem like some rare forgot-
legends past, he was the leader of
anthem,“Popular,” Nada Surf have clung
ten treasure discovered between
a more accessible rock band called
onto their guitars (and their dreadlocks
airwaves and carrying a melancholy
Sugar. Sugar were even better, and
– my God, those dreadlocks) to release
message of love. It’s basically John
most bands owe him credit for their
a string of mid-tempo alt-rock albums.
sound, if not actual royalties (I’m look-
Their fifth, Lucky, is less introspective and
compact disc.
ing at you Foo Fighters). So the major-
maudlin than its immediate predecessors,
Both “California Girls” and “Till the
ity of contemporary pop bands only
revealing a more comfortable band with
Bitter End” really make an effort to
have opportunities today because
a more mature sound.“See These Bones”
yank on the ol’ heart strings and it
of the pioneering that Bob did in his
is a compelling opener, with lead singer
almost works until you remember that
early years. Sadly, it appears now that
Matthew Caws recounting his cautionary
this is the same shtick the Magnetic
the well is drying up. The Elvis Presley
tale over a cooing chorus:“Look alive, see
Fields were pulling on you when you
of CMJ culture clearly sounds like he
these bones / What you are now, we were
were in high school and you thought
should hang up his “Gee Angel” wings
once.”The epic flavour of this track doesn’t
you discovered independent rock.
even with the assistance of Fugazi
return until “The Fox,” the most elaborate
I am giving this album a bad review
drummer Brendan Canty. However,
feature on the album, a high note before
on the basis that its contrived and
due to his status amongst the
the threadbare, plaintive, and lovely closer
only appeals to chicks and the high
blessed, let’s give him tenure.
“The Film Did Not Go ‘Round.”While Lucky
★★★✩✩
is a solid release, it lacks the hooks to be
school version of myself.
★✩✩✩✩
–Kellen Powell
–Trevor Risk
emblazoned in memory, and too often errs on being overwrought when it tries. There are some shining tracks, but none so much as to recapture or replace the glory of yesteryear.
★★★✩✩ –Nojan Aminosharei
TO
ONE
The Teenagers The Teenagers bellwether song “Homecoming” is the most touching and cheeky track we’ve ever heard that repeatedly uses a word we’ll never print in this magazine. After one of their first ever North American shows we couldn’t wait to find out what sort of trendy and avant-garde tunes the Parisian trio were listening to in the tour van.“Sure I can get one of them to do this for your magazine,” said The Teenagers’ road manager, “but I should warn you that they have terrible taste in music.” With that kind of warning how could we say no? We asked for five current songs and one classic. Something must have been lost in translation and The Teenagers’ guitarist Dorian Dumont just wrote down six songs il aime. Regardless, he certainly did not disappoint selecting god awful tracks by My Chemical Romance and Linking Park (sic). Obviously, The Teenagers sing the truth in “Homecoming” and really are into American cunts... oops!
ION MAGAZINE
Cusack pressed into the form of a
FIVE
45
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46
WADE BUTTERFIELD Words Sam Kerr Photography Toby Marie Bannister NHL Linesman Wade Butterfield has a fine moustache. After calling a flawless game in Vancouver, Butterfield stands before a mirror wearing a towel in the referees’ dressing room. He grooms his fine moustache. Wade exits the stadium and flags a cab. He is wearing a blue sport coat, pressed khakis, a white NHL golf shirt, and his fine moustache. The next game that Butterfield is scheduled to officiate is not for three days, so he tells the cabbie to take him to Yaletown. Wade wants a cocktail. He exits the cab at the corner of Drake and Mainland, then sets off in search of a suitable drinking establishment. Walking briskly, Butterfield spots a sports bar. Satisfied, he strokes his fine moustache and goes inside assuming he will find some astute hockey fans to talk shop with. Wade wanders up to the bar and says,“Two Wiser’s, and a Labatt 50.” The bartender stands in silence. He squints indignantly, frowns, and says, “I recognize that moustache. You’re that linesman, Butterfuck. I couldn’t forget your stinking stache if I tried. You blew a big call in a Habs-Sens game last year. That crap call cost me a lot of money you fucker. If you don’t get the fuck out of my bar, I’m going to give you five for fighting, and I’m not talking minutes. I’m talking five in the eye pal, and I’ll take two for the instigator if you catch my drift. Take a hike you fucking zebra.” Butterfield is offended, but he is not looking for a fight. The NHL doesn’t like its employees to engage in fistfights when they’re not on the
clock. Wade gets up, touches his fine moustache, and makes for the exit. Down the block he finds a class joint with a high price clientele and a civilized atmosphere. Wade saddles up at the bar, repeats his order, and the bartender nods without comment. Within moments the drinks arrive; then a beautiful woman in her mid twenties takes the seat beside Butterfield. She whispers into Wade’s ear, “A man with a moustache that fine must be married. It’s a shame too, because I love a man in a moustache. I’m Cassandra.” Butterfield sucks back a Wiser’s, puts on a shit-eating grin, and says, “Divorced. I work for the NHL and my ex couldn’t handle the travel. So, be-
lieve it or not, this moustache is on the market. I’m Wade.” “The NHL; impressive Wade. You must meet women like me all the time.” “I’m a linesman, so, no, not really. If I make the right call, I’m just doing my job. But if I get it wrong, people hate me. It’s tough, but I love it.” Butterfield, pauses, slams his second Wiser’s, then continues, “Cassandra, I’m hungry. Do you want to come back to my hotel and get some room service?” “Wade, I’d love to, I but I have a tough job too… It’s 400 for the hour or 1200 for the night. I have a place nearby, and I’m worth it.” Wade hasn’t had a woman this beautiful since his playing days with the Oshawa Generals,and though he is
not a whoring man, he is a man nonetheless. “All right Cassandra, I’ll treat myself. Let’s go.” They leave the bar and make a right onto Davie. Half way up the block an undercover police car veers across traffic and two officers jump out. One grabs Wade and slams his moustache down onto the hood of the car. “Sir, you are under arrest for soliciting sex from an undercover officer.” The other cop interjects, “Hey, I recognize that fine moustache, you’re Wade Butterfield, the linesman. Let me explain what’s happening in language you might understand: you’re going to the box, two for hooking.”
HOROSCOPES: Ernold Sane Well you’ve been a dirty little fucker since I last guided you. You’ve completely dropped your standards in a bucket of piss and shit and then smeared them all over your brand new Urban Outfitters Taliban scarf. It’s great that you can charm the leg warmers off the nearest Adbusters student in a loud bar, but when you bring them home and screw them to this week’s Justice banger, you’re coming off as an inconsiderate sex bully. Start acting like you give a shit, not just produce it. - PISCES Feb 20-March 20
ARIES
March 21-April 20
What the fuck have you got to smile about? You smell like fucking mothballs and you’re an adult dressing like a prepubescent 90’s child. You’re the Fresh Prince of Bel Air portrayed by a smelly fat white dude. Congratulations, there should be posters of you warning people to keep their children inside. You’re a poor man’s child molester, because you don’t molest them, you just steal their outfit.
TAURUS
April 21-May 21
You’re hot shit right nowTaurus,and trust me I’d blow up a pre-school to tap that ass.But as hot as you are on the outside, you’re as cold as Brad Renfro on the inside. You’ve been so lazy in your sex life I am surprised you don’t soil yourself. Now don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t kick you out of bed unless you farted.
GEMINI
May 22-June 21
cancer
June 22-July 22
Things are on the up for you in your fi-
ally depend on. However, while you’re at work they’ll be changing your ‘online status to: Eating out a nun, fisting grandma, blowing sheep, dipping meat in Daddy’s knot hole and examining female testicles. Keep an eye on them though, they’re stealing your smokes.
Leo
Your sex life has been isolated since now you only do the sex with three things: cripples, animals, and crippled animals. You need to hit a different club, not the ones where everyone in the room is half your age and still into wrestling. Find yourself someone who appreciates your faults and medical deficiencies, and when the time is ready, do sex with it.
July 23-Aug 22
Nice work on your long hair that flows into your greasy beard, it really defines what white trash you are. That’s what you were going for, right? To prove that no matter how smelly the homeless are, you’ve out done them all again with your genius and cunning research into avoiding all hygiene and smelling like a stronger stench of human shit.
VIRGO
Aug 23-Sept 23
You’ll be a parent before the year is out and your child will be as cute as Rumer Willis after a four day bender. Your parenting skills will match that of Dina Lohan but you’ll still be that ‘cool’ adult that does rails off the baby dresser and smuggles drugs in the diapers for Burning Man.The child will inherit your penis-shaped nose and your hemorrhoids.
LIBRA
Sept 24-Oct 23
You can relax now because you’ve definitely got a lifetime supply of shitty hats. Over the course of the year, new “friends” will be made who you can re-
scorpio
Oct 24-Nov 22
Ernold Sane is a local DJ and Mash Up maker in Vancouver and you can see him at Fast Life Thursdays, We Salute You! Fridays and The Affair Saturdays. He wrote our horoscopes a ways back but had to stop because he was deported. He was instructed not to single anyone out when writing these and found it very difficult. www.myspace.com/ernoldsane
Sagittarius Nov 23-Dec 21 So you’re back to doing what you do best: DRUGS. It’s how we know you, and how we know to avoid eye contact with you. Unfortunately, when you’re around we need drugs to get through the amount of elephant shit drivel that comes out of your skin paste mouth. Do us all a favour, and drink two bottles of NyQuil and fuck off to India for six months.
Capricorn Dec 22-Jan 20 You haven’t been much of an angel lately and all your sins seem to come out round and brown in a fart melody. Maybe you should go on vacation to Miami and suck cock for a porn site,
you’ve cum this far. By the way, your blog is ‘AMAZING.’Too bad the only one reading it is you, unless you count your multiple personalities.
AQUARIUS
Jan 21-Feb 19
Your $12 dyed hair looks like you dragged a used tampon across your head leaving streaks, similar to Avril Lavigne, and your pants are so tight you have semen coming out of your eyes. Don’t worry though, you can sell your eye jizz tears to pay rent for your rat infested hang out.The most excitement you receive this month is a selfinflicted sanchez.
ION MAGAZINE
Time to hit the tanning beds! If you were any paler we could do x-rays by having a guy stand behind you with a lighter. Good looks have never been your “department” and it stems from birth. You were definitely the load your mother should have swallowed. Actually when you were born, the doctor slapped your mother.
nancial cycle for the next four months. You’ll score a reccurring role in a Chunky’s commercial which will force you to get your five-year-old head shots re-done. Your skin is starting to grow back since your rehab stint and a few laser treatments can get rid of the hair on your chin. Unfortunately, I don’t think they do rehab for ugly.
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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS
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