Vol 6 Issue 45 • FREE
5 year anniversary Destroyer Harmony korine The magnetic fields
bensherman.com
TABLE OF CONTENTS 10 Editor’s Letter A few days ago someone came up to the editor and said he really enjoys the editor’s letters. Jokes on that guy as they’re mostly plagiarized from Wikipedia and Obama’s ‘A More Perfect Union’ speech. 16 Of the Month Movies about Real Dolls, the Risk family bunny, Marimekko at H&M and a So Me art show in Toronto. 19 Of the Moment The 5th anniversary is Wood anniversary. Fact! 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam’s most blasphemous work to date. 47 Horoscopes Charles Demers stared at the stars for hours looking for answers. Then he got bored and decided to make up the horoscopes this month. horoscopes. 48 The Perry Bible Fellowship
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FASHION 22 Socie-tee Choosing the right t-shirt just got a lot more complicated. 24 Coney Island Baby A fashion editorial shot by Zoë Bridgman and styled by Minka Sicklinger.
FILM 32 Harmony Korine “Wow [ION] is really cool. It’s like a zine.” Harmony said that and we have it on tape.
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MUSIC 36 38 40 42 44 45
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Destroyer After the interview, Dan Bejar remarked that he thought the guy who interviewed him might be a little drunk. The Magnetic Fields Sweet Jesus. Is this the Indie Cred issue or what?. DearRockers.org Download an artist’s music for free and get internet props at the same time. Poster Art: Chris Turner Everyday is Halloween in Chris’ world. Album Reviews Five to One: DJ Craze No longer playing music that only dudes listen to.
www.blackxs.com
Available at Sears
The new fragrance
ION Magazine Publisher
Photographer: Joseph + Jaime Josephandjaime.com Hair And Makeup: Tahira Rayani Model: Justine@Elmer Olsen Model Management
Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editor Photo Editor Art Director Designers Designer Dept. Intern
Volume 6 Number 3 Issue 47
Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Samantha Langdorf Steven Evans Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Aina Kawamoto
Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Office Intern Jill Pakulak Writers: Nojan Aminosharei, Kristin Cheung, Joseph Delamar, Charles Demers, Stefana Fratila, Sam Kerr, Emily Khong, Patricia Matos, Clayton Pierrot, Natalie Vermeer. Photographers and Artists: Sarah Appleby, Leila Bani, Toby Marie Banniester, Todd M Duym, Mila Franovic, Jon Hennessey, Joseph + Jaime, Gordon Nicholas, Rebeca Plymate, Tahira Rayani, Shiva Shabani, Minka Sicklinger, Lester Smolenski, Jill Southern. ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. Hey wait, do they even sell iPhones in Canada yet? We don’t care. Just make it happen. 3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 www.ionmagazine.ca feedback@ionmagazine.ca
ionmagazine.ca
Cover Credits Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Leila Bani at THEYrep.com Make-up: Andrea Tiller Model: Holynde at Richard’s Illustration: Lily Lin —www.jealouskids.com Clothing: dress by Arthur Mendonça at Holt Renfrew
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
Precious Memories Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister
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Five freaking years. Can you believe it? I can’t. I started at this magazine when I was a brighteyed and skinny 23-year-old boy who knew nothing about editing a magazine. I don’t know how it happened, but now I’m an angry, fat, balding 35-year-old man who knows nothing about editing a magazine. The math may not add up, but I assure you, this is the case. Looking back on this magazine’s past five years, I can see we’ve come a long way from that first issue that catered to fans of highly offensive and poorly written articles about the goings on at all the Top 40 clubs and where to purchase a $120,000 Porsche. That’s all I’m going to let you know about that first issue. All the people who actually read it received a manila envelope full of love to keep their mouths shut. This magazine has been a learning experience for everyone involved. Consequently, incorrect dates have appeared on the cover, typos have been printed, contributors weren’t credited properly, articles have had their endings cut off and the table of contents has listed the wrong
page numbers. If you noticed any of these glaring mistakes over the past five years, I’m sorry and you deserve better. There have been legal threats from washed up musicians, charitable organizations and complaints from a member of the Parent Teacher Association who took offense to a picture of an exposed booby. And then there was one photographer who demanded we drive around the city, collect every magazine, and have a gigantic bonfire with them all as one of his photos printed a tad on the dark side. Articles with dubious factual information have been run that appeared to be more about the writer than the subject of the piece. To make things worse, a lot of the subjects of these articles were of highly questionable artistic talent. Oh, and the horoscopes were insulting a lot of the time—it’s like the people writing them didn’t even look at the stars before writing them. I’d like to take the opportunity to let you all know that none of this was my fault. However, I’m not entirely without sin and have been re-
sponsible for my fair share around here as well. Over the past five years we’ve seen the quality of the photography, writing and design in this magazine improve exponentially. That was all me. Did I mention I also chop down trees with an axe, then pulp the trees with my teeth, then make all the paper for this magazine in my bathtub? I can also swim faster than a shark. This comes in handy when I’m catching all the squids that are needed to produce the ink used to print this magazine. It may sound like a cliché, but every respective issue this magazine prints is our best issue. If you like what you see now, imagine where we’ll be in another five years. Thanks to everyone who’s helped out at the magazine over the years. I’ve really enjoyed taking all the credit for your hard work and blaming others when things didn’t turn out perfectly. Oh, and sorry to all those writers who I told I couldn’t get concert tickets for. Turns out I very easily could and the music editor and myself have been using them.
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH
BEN SHERMAN Photography Gordon Nicholas-heatersmoker.com Styling Mila Franovic-beadedeagle.blogspot.com
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This month’s prize comes courtesy of Ben Sherman clothing. Founded in 1963 by Brit Ben Sherman (then known as Arthur Bernard Sugarman), the label defined youth culture and represented all things mod: London, trendsetting Carnaby Street and the swingin’ 60’s. Today, more than 20 years after Ben Sherman (the man) passed away, Ben Sherman (the label) has evolved into a lifestyle brand encompassing menswear, ladies wear, footwear, formalwear, kids wear and accessories—all with a nod to the mod. To enter, go to ionmagazine.ca
METROTOWN • MONTREAL EATON CENTRE • SQUARE ONE TORONTO EATON CENTRE • YORKDALE • CARREFOUR LAVAL Soon: WEST EDMONTON MALL • POLO PARK • PROMENADE MALL LUCKYBRANDJEANS.COM
www.matinique.com 1-800-463-8127
Fly53.com C4distribution.com
EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 16
DVD dvd Lars and the 4 Months, real girl 3 Weeks...
fashion marimekko @ h&m
Hey, it’s that guy Ryan Gosling from Breaker High and he’s in another quirky movie you’ll love. In it, he plays Lars, a socially retarded loner with a kind heart living in a small town. Rather than hooking up with someone at his work who’s perfect girlfriend material, Lars elects to purchase a lifelike and anatomically correct doll (presumably from Japan—all that weird sex stuff comes from there). When his new “girlfriend” Bianca shows up in a crate, he doesn’t hide her in the closet like any self-respecting pervert would do. Instead she gives Lars confidence and he puts her in a wheelchair and starts introducing her to the whole town, who are too polite to be anything but supportive. How long will Lars’ delusions last? And what happens when Lars accidentally clicks on a link for 2 Girls One Cup?
What happens when two Scandinavian companies get together to create a fashion line? Bright, modern design at a reasonable price. Marimekko, the Finnish textile and design group, has been around since 1951 and was made popular by Jackie O. Their prints have been highly recognizable and admired for decades, but hard to obtain by the average person. Not anymore. The brilliant people over at H&M have selected a small series of prints from the Marimekko archives and created their own versions. This brightly coloured collection is fun and is comprised of stylish favourites just in time for summer. The collection of approximately 70 garments will be sold in selected H&M stores starting in April.
Kind of tough to make any cheeky jokes about this one because Knocked Up it ain’t. 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days follows a young woman helping her friend get an illegal abortion in the 80’s in communist Romania. Hopefully it goes without saying that there are a few wince inducing moments. But if that doesn’t turn you off this is a remarkable film. It took home the Palm D’Or at the Cannes Film Festival in ‘07 and earned every other accolade you can imagine but for some reason wasn’t even shortlisted for an Oscar. Intriguing, suspenseful and unpredictable, this one will definitely have you thinking twice about saying okay the next time your friend asks for a small favour.
store orb Orb is one of many new stores that have cropped up in Vancouver over the last couple months, but this flagship store is taking social consciousness to a whole new level. More than a store, it is home to the Orb collections: Mind, Body, and Soul, plus other lines such as Silver, 1921, Fidelity denim, and Spy sunglasses. Upstairs is the design lab and gallery that showcases a revolving collection of artwork as well as fashion and home accessories made from recycled and re-used materials. Each month the store will donate 1% of sales to the charity of a randomly selected customer’s choice, plus an additional 1% to a charity of Orb’s selection. Now you really can shop for yourself and feel good about it. 2028 West Fourth Ave 604.568.6720 www.orbclothing.ca
art show so me
Pet harley
This magazine takes every opportunity it can to slag Justice. We don’t even know why. They’re just not that bad. One thing about Justice we can’t complain about are their music videos and the consistently wonderful artwork their label, Ed Banger, puts out. That said, Toronto, you’re in for a treat. From March 21 to May 22 the Studio Gallery presents Portraits by So Me. This is the debut North American show for the artist and illustrator responsible for the majority of said amazing album art on Ed Banger. He’s also been integral in the Justice videos for “We Are Your Friends,”“D.A.N.C.E.” as well as Kanye West’s “The Good Life.” Don’t sleep on this one.
Who are the biggest fans of this magazine? The answer is the entire family of the music editor, Trevor Risk. Seriously, his dad is the only person in Arnprior, Ontario who reads the magazine. His brother writes album reviews for us. Now his sister Brittany is sending in pictures of her pet rabbit. She even sent us this thought-provoking quote to include: “She makes Jessica Rabbit look innocent.” My God, Risk family, when will this sickening display of support for Trevor end? Send your pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca and have them immortalized in print. Unless you’re a member of the Risk family because you’re all cut off now. Send us pictures of Trevor from high school instead.
Clayton Pierrot is a bit of an asshole, but hasn’t let this stop him from rocketing straight to the middle of the pack in every endeavour he sets his mind to. Though so far only ION and vanity poetry publishers have seen fit to print his work, he dreams of one day grinding his literary groin into the greats as a staff writer at Rolling Stone, or wearing sunglasses inside bars at night on the payroll of Vice. If you’re anywhere near him, get Clayton’s shooting star in your butterfly net and ride that motherfucker to the moon. To join the Clayton Pierrot Fan Club or make an appointment to cut his hair, contact editor@ionmagazine.ca (ed: Yeah, I’ll get right back to you).
Todd can be found creating images in a variety of mediums from stills to motion picture using Film, Polaroids, Super 8 and everything in between. His work is character-driven and evokes warm, fuzzy feelings like young love, sun flares and burritos. He’s able to nostalgically capture a moment, whether it’s awkward or brilliant, or brilliantly awkward. Todd divides his time between Brooklyn and Vancouver. Recently, he was the Director of Photography for REM’s “Supernatural Superserious” video with Vincent Moon (TakeAway Shows) in the director’s chair. He continues to move forward while exploring new media with like-minded artists. Todd also continues to get rad. www.toddmduym.com
ION MAGAZINE
Studio Gallery 294 College Street, 2nd Floor www.studio.to
Contributor Contributor clayton todd m. duym pierrot
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Photography Fiona Garden Art Direction Danny Fazio Styling Leila Bani at THEYrep.com
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1. Dress by Opening Ceremony, $525, from Jonathan + Olivia www.jonathanandolivia.com 2. Necklace, $21, from Jeweliette www.jeweliette.com 3. DSquared2 He Wood Fragrance, $74 at Holt Renfrew 4. Assorted bangles, $50-575 each, from a selection at Holt Renfrew 5. Shoes by Chloe, $875, from Holt Renfrew www.holtrenfrew.com 6. Felt Rocks by Molo Design www.molodesign.com
Additional Credits Make-up: Andrea Tiller | Model: Holynde at Richard’s Fashion assistant : Michelle Ford Paper softseating, courtesy of Molo Design www.molodesign.com Special thanks to Adam and Stephanie at Molo Design
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Socie-tee
THE POLITICS OF THE T-SHIRT Words Nojan Aminosharei Photography Todd M. Duym Somewhere, there is a man in a deep v-neck t-shirt, proclaiming how over Vampire Weekend he is. Somewhere else, there is a girl wearing a too-big t-shirt as a dress with leggings—probably Lindsay Lohan. Somewhere still, there is a woman wearing a bedazzled “I’m a Charlotte” t-shirt, and she doesn’t know why people are snickering because she hasn’t seen the sex photos. T-shirts are almost as basic as our own skin, yet what we use to cover the area between our collar and our cooter speaks volumes about who we are and how we choose to see the world. Nobody knows this more than Shepard Fairey, the graphic artist whose Andre the Giant sticker campaign became a worldwide phenomenon in the 90’s. It’s no surprise then that Fairey’s manifesto identifies the campaign as “an experiment in Phenomenology,” one to “reawaken a sense of wonder about one’s environment.” “Since Shepard created Andre the Giant with a stencil,” explains Dez Price, a Canadian rep for the OBEY line,“he’s partnered up with a lot of people to make OBEY clothing.” For years, Fairey and his compatriots have expanded on their statement, weaving their original theme of mysterious and deliberately vague propaganda into a series of large-patterned tees. Some include broad and bright geometric prints, deliberately calling attention to the brand’s name in the form of a bold, often repeated commandment; others feature tightly knit patterns that enclose and obscure that very same message. OBEY, a staple of skateboard culture, has turned the formidable visage of an iconic wrestler into the new face of Heidegger, Sartre, and McLuhan for a new generation. “Youth are starting to figure it out more, starting to understand the whole message behind it,” claims Price. Though the message is decidedly philosophical, Price assures that OBEY is foremost about awareness.“At first, OBEY and Shepard were running separately, but now they’re more in synch.” He points to Fairey’s “Hope Tee,” an effort with Global Grassroots and the Hope Campaign to raise awareness of the
Darfur crisis.“He’s continuing to get his message out there. And a percentage of sales go to help these organizations. “I think [Fairey]’s a firm believer in what most of us are: no more war, we’ve got to watch out for our planet, watch out for what’s going on in other countries, and just be aware of all that’s happening around us.” Next, the brand is working with Leonardo DiCaprio to release a tee based on the environmental documentary, The 11th Hour, and entering an arena of social commentary that old-fashioned graphic cotton tees have long staked. Over the past two years,Al Gore has done what Ed Begley, Jr. could not: he’s turned us into a bunch of hippies. His 2006 docu-horror An Inconvenient Truth scared us all into pooping our pants and then immediately composting it. Ever since, consumers have changed their shopping habits: driving hybrid cars, using energy-efficient appliances, and even shelling out for that “green issue” of Vanity Fair. (Bonus points for putting it on your coffee table and pretending you read it.) And now consumers are literally carrying their message on their backs. “Everyone is talking about ‘going green,’” chimes Heather Gillick, who represents New York based tshirt brand L.I.F.E.“Our tees are 100% organic cotton, and the screen process we use is very eco-friendly,” and safe for the marine environment. L.I.F.E., or “Love is for Everyone,” includes 60’s-inspired designs that are, as Gillick cheerfully puts it,“Very PC and green,” all part of what seems to be a reinvigorated flower power movement. Even designers like Alexander McQueen have embraced the new PR-ready hippie movement. In his spring menswear line, McQueen included several t-shirts printed with the word LOVE, several more embroidered with spring flowers, and even a hennainspired tee that looked so organic Matthew McConaughey would have smoked it himself. Cult Australian brand ksubi, known for their spectacle and social commentary, also laid claim to the “impeding environmental crisis facing humanity” as
a launching point for their last spring collection, entitled Said The Rainbow To The Apocalypse. Using digital printing methods, ksubi superimposed bright, intricate, and all-encompassing prints of scientific and cosmic imagery on a series of oversized silk tees. In these shirts, designers Dan Single and George Gorrow present “the choice between two undetermined and opposing futures – one reflecting positivity, the other pessimism.” “We have continued to create digitally printed garments throughout later collections,” said Aimee Bayliss, speaking on behalf of the label,“the newest being ‘And Sometimes The Sky Is Blue,’” which also includes many organic cotton garments in its range. The “limitless colour palette and photographic quality,” ensures that the print is bold and eye-popping, proving that a t-shirt doesn’t have to be all that basic, and that hippie can be fashion-forward. Of course, a social statement isn’t always so universal. In the midst of this year’s unremitting Democratic primaries, two iconic designers, OBEY’s Shepard Fairey and Marc Jacobs, have bet on different horses, and not since Team Paris vs.Team Nicole have allegiances been so open and stark. Jacobs’ Hillary Tee, originally from her 2004 senate re-election campaign, sold out within weeks, no doubt aided by Tina Fey’s avowal that “bitch is the new black” on SNL during the week of the shirt’s rerelease. Meanwhile, Fairey’s Obama screen-print tee reached new audiences when Ryan Philippe was photographed wearing it, well, every damned place, apparently. Both tees recall images of all-American propaganda, and both have flown off the shelves.They not only attest to the evocative power of a simple t-shirt, but also to the wont to wear our heart on our sleeve – or in this case, all over our front side. Just like that, a simple t-shirt can say a little or a lot, perhaps because it’s so malleable in its simplicity. It can project our hope for change, it can even spur change, and more than any other garment, a simple t-shirt allows us to emblazon ourselves on ourselves…beats just being a Charlotte.
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Bridgman, ZoĂŤ Bridgman, Photography:: ZoĂŤ Photography Sicklinger, Minka Sicklinger, Stylist: Minka Stylist: Appleby, Sarah Appleby, Make-up: Sarah Make-up: @ Plymate Rebeca Managementt Hair: See Managemen @ See Plymate Rebeca Hair: Managementt Model: Supreme Managemen @ Supreme Bruna @ Model: Bruna
Yellow Singlet (worn underneath) by Christian Blanken, Mesh Singlet from American Apparel, Shorts by Erin Fetherston, Shoes are vintage YSL. Previous Page: T-shirt is vintage Vivienne Westwood, Shorts from Angel Chang, Shoes from Steve Madden
Yellow Singlet (worn underneath) by Christian Blanken, White Singlet by Amal Guessous, Leggings from Miss Sixty, Shoes are vintage YSL, Previous page: Lingerie Set from Lyell, Cardigan from American Apparel, Vintage Shell Belt (worn as necklace) from Beacon’s Closet.
Tap suit from Lyell, Stockings from Wolford, Bow tie from Paul Smith, Shoes from Camper. Next page: Dress from Pepper and Pistol, Coat from Udo Edling.
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HARMONY IN YOUR HEAD
Harmony Korine’s Mister Lonely Words & Photography Michael Mann When you were 18 the only direction your life was heading was to the liquor store parking lot to try and convince prospective patrons to buy you some coolers. When Harmony Korine was 18 he already penned one of the most controversial American films ever made, Larry Clark’s, Kids. His directorial debut came shortly after in 1997 with the equally eyebrow raising Gummo. He followed that up in 1999 with the extremely arty Julien Donkey-Boy. Along the way he’s directed videos for Sonic Youth and Cat Power, co-written a song with Björk, written another Larry Clark film, Ken Park, and showcased his photography in numerous art shows around the globe. While his creative output hasn’t always been pleasing on the eyes or easy to understand, to say he’s had an eclectic, fascinating and boundary pushing career is a gross understatement. In 2007, he screened his third feature Mister Lonely at festivals and it’s now headed for a limited theatrical release. Mister Lonely begins with a slow-motion shot of a man wearing a dust mask, riding a pocket bike and dragging a monkey doll. From there, the imagery only gets more bizarre, surreal and visually arresting. However, it’s not all eye-candy. In fact, Mister Lonely is Korine’s most story driven work to date. It stars Diego Luna (Y Tu Mamá También) as a struggling Michael Jackson impersonator trying to eke out a living in Paris. At a hilarious performance at an old folks home, he meets a Marilyn Monroe impersonator played by Samantha Morton (Control, In America) and is immediately smitten. She convinces him to join a commune in a Scottish castle for out-ofwork celebrity impersonators (It should be noted that Harmony grew up in a commune himself). There he meets the The Pope, Abe Lincoln, The Three Stooges, The Queen, Buckwheat, James Dean, Madonna, Shirley Temple (who happens to be Marilyn’s daughter) and the leader of the commune, Charlie Chaplin (who is also Marilyn’s husband, and looks more like a Hitler imperson-
ator when he gets angry). While the commune of impersonators is preparing for the group’s first ever performance, a seemingly unrelated story takes place in South America where a group of nuns decide to go skydiving—long time friend and supporter of Korine, Werner Herzog, flies the plane. I had a chance to sit down and chat with Harmony Korine about his latest film. I was expecting to meet the manic, bumbling and too-cool-forschool manchild that I’d seen on his priceless Late Night with David Letterman appearances (seriously, YouTube these). Instead, I’m face-toface with a polite 35-year-old with a friendly smile and a cool demeanor. We’re introduced and he says “I loved your work on Miami Vice,” taking the piss out of my name. He then proceeded to scream at Diego Luna, who was looking handsome while being photographed a few feet away from us “Damn! It’s all over your ass Diego! They want some of that Mexi-cock. Damn Diego, they want some of that ass!” After that I was immediately at ease. For someone who has every right to be pretentious, I was surprised to receive zero attitude from one of the most important figures in modern independent cinema. I went into your movie totally blind and not knowing what to expect. Harmony Korine film… that’s all I knew. And it really kind of caught me off guard. Have you been getting that kind of reaction at all? Yeah, I’m surprised that many people are surprised. But then again, I guess it makes sense. Would you say this is your most accessible film? Yeah, probably. Narratively, it is. The other movies I guess were more deconstructed and aesthetically more challenging. This one was more about creating beautiful pictures. This movie debuted at Cannes and there are
some notoriously tough audiences there. How was it received? It seemed good you know, I mean I had a really good experience. It’s like all my movies, you know, there are people who are really into it and there are people who aren’t. You wrote this with your brother Avi. How did writing with your brother work for you? It was great because I hadn’t written in a long time and he’s a really good young writer. He loves chicken McNuggets. So I said,“If you come to my house I’ll give you a month’s worth of chicken McNuggets.” And he said,“Only if you buy the special honey to dip them in.” So I gave him unlimited McNuggets and then we wrote it. There’s a lot of poetic imagery in Mister Lonely. How do you get that down in a script? Because you need to convince someone to fund the project. Are you just like, “Okay, we’re gonna have a nun on a BMX skydiving. It’s gonna be beautiful. Trust me.” That’s kind of what I do. I just think it up. If I dream it up, and I can put it into a story and have it make some kind of sense, I go with it. How did you shoot the skydiving scenes? That was some of the most difficult stuff I’ve ever done. We just had special stunt nuns and women, actually. We spent three months trying to find pockets of nuns in South America that would actually jump out of airplanes. Are there a lot of those? No, no no no and two out of the five wouldn’t jump for the movie. I wanted to ask you about some of the casting decisions you made. What made you want to cast Diego Luna? Because I just thought he was right for the character. I always thought he was a really interesting actor but I’d never really seen him do what I
“I don’t care if I make perfect sense. I’d much rather make perfect nonsense. If that makes sense.”
thought he was capable of. After I met him for the first time, he has a real life and a real sweetness to him, like a boyishness. I felt like the Michael character wasn’t angst-ridden, there was something more like a symbol. How about Samantha Morton? Samantha was easy. She’s an old friend and she’s also someone, you know, I think she’s one of the best actresses.
Does he take direction well? Does he need it? Yeah, I direct him a little bit.The thing with Werner is once he’s in character you kind of just let him go.
How did you decide what characters you wanted the actors to impersonate? Most importantly, these are all characters that I liked and they needed to be instantly recognizable, iconic. Then because I was fortunately able to play with their myth and kind of manipulate the myth. So these are icons and personalities that would make sense. I wanted to ask you about a quote that the Queen says after the group’s performance to the effect of “impersonators live through others and keep the spirit of wonder alive.”
I think that’s it. In some ways that’s the most important line. These are obsessive characters and they’re pure hearts and they’re dreamers and that’s the reason that they inhabit these bodies. I hope this isn’t a dumb question but what’s the connection between the two stories in Mister Lonely? That’s not a dumb question. Here’s the thing. People spend too much money trying to make sense of things. Trying to say “what does this mean” and it’s like a riddle. I don’t care if I make perfect sense. I’d much rather make perfect nonsense. If that makes sense. For me, there’s a thematic link, it’s an allegory of sorts. Both the stories speak to the same thing. They speak to hope and isolation and this idea that people that are so obsessive and outside the realm of traditional society and values, that they create their own world. And like I said, they’re dreamers and a lot of the times these people can get so far
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Finally, a long-time supporter of yours, Werner Herzog, how did he end up in the movie? I guess I like to work with family and friends. I like to surround myself with people I’m close with and that are exciting to me. Werner’s one of those guys that’s just fun to be around.
Was there a lot of improvisation with the actors in this movie, did you let them go like that? Yeah, you know, in all the films and everything I do it’s scripted up to a point. I think the filmmaking process should be an organic thing and I like to leave room outside the edges of the frame and let things happen.
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out there that bad things begin to happen. But in truth, all these characters just believe there’s some kind of magic out there. Julien Donkey-Boy came out in 2000. Why is there such a large gap in your directorial resume? It was an internal strike. Around that time I didn’t want to make films anymore. I really had very little to give. I always felt like you can’t really make movies without love and I had no love to give. I felt like I was perceiving that. So I thought that for all intents and purposes the best thing for me to do was just leave. Because I’d made movies since I was young that reality started to take over and it wasn’t something that I was interested in. I joined this cult. It was a fisherman crew that I had met with Doctors Without Borders who were searching for this special fish called the Malinger fish. We spent six to eight months searching for this fish that we couldn’t find. What’s a Malinger fish? There’s only been two ever caught and these Japanese people were offering a few million if you could find this fish. It’s a small fish, a yellow fish, with these three dots on the side of the fin. If you press these dots at a certain time of the day it plays a sound that sounds like a child’s piano. And they were offering a lot of money. But I spent six months with them and I began to feel like the whole thing was fraudulent. So the leader, Alejandro, came up to me and said “You need to leave if you don’t believe” and I said “You’re right” and that was that. That’s what I did for six months. Do you see any youngster filmmakers out there that you’re interested in what they’re doing? Youngsters? Like people younger than me? Yeah. No, not really. I mean there’s some filmmakers that I like but I haven’t really kept tabs. I dunno, there’s things on the internet I like.
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You used to be the poster child for independent cinema. What do you think about the state of independent cinema today? I don’t know. It seems to be in flux. There’s something going on. People are so concerned with people watching movies on their telephones or on the internet. It doesn’t matter to me. I think all anybody wants is a good story.
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THE FREEWHEELIN’ DAN BEJAR
DESTROYER
Words Clayton Pierrot Photography Fiona Garden Illustration Lester Smolenski Dan Bejar, with and as Destroyer, has been recording his own brand of wordy and eloquent indie rock for 12 years. In that time he’s created a remarkably consistent oeuvre, despite ranging from acoustic folk to modern rock to midi-soaked artificial orchestras, and quietly building renown without leaving the Rock n’ Roll Wasteland of Vancouver. With his most recent collection of collaborators he has just released his eighth studio album, Trouble in Dreams, on Merge Records. ION: Do you have a day job? Dan Bejar: No. ION: So, what does a typical day entail, exactly? DB: That’s a good question. I don’t really have an answer. I mean, my close friends ask me that and I don’t really know what to tell them. So, we’re drinking Irish beer and talking about Bob Dylan. I myself do have a day job, which I had left before meeting Mr. Bejar in Gastown; I was selling pipe and lifting heavy greasy metal, another day in the life of the working poor. Of course, between trying to fill a day and trying to finish an album, the life of your average indie rock songwriter is not much more glamorous, crowds of cheering admirers or meetings with pretty photographers notwithstanding. The life of your average Bob Dylan doesn’t really sound that glamorous either, come to think of it, though interviewing him certainly does. I could add some hyperbole here for the sake of myself and my subject, call him maybe The New Canadian Bob Dylan (the Old Canadian Bob Dylan being Leonard Cohen, obviously), but I suspect it might not go over well. Not that the comparisons would be entirely invalid. There is a certain focus on lyrics over musical technique or structure, a certain laboured vocal style, and a collaborative spirit to the arrangements. “I love the actual playing with other people, letting them just go, watching the song just be like absconded with, and taken in, some direction you never would have seen coming,” he
tells me, too candidly for my analogy. “Even the computer record I did, the Your Blues record, had a lot to do with whatever John and Dave [Collins and Carswell, respectively of The New Pornographers and The Evaporators, collectively of JC/DC Studios] threw down on a whim.” I was hoping for some mystic bullshit about the true shape of the song being revealed by the players chipping away at a sonic monolith under his influence, but beggars etc, and Mr. Bejar is a man who knows his craft. DB: I like writing, and singing, and I like recording, though it’s becoming increasingly stressful as I get older. ION: Because of experience, or because of age? DB: Good question… if I had not recorded eight records, and just decided to record one at age 35...maybe there’s like a certain weight of what you’ve done in the past, but I don’t really think I think about it. ION: But you still have to deal with it, with people like me asking “How does this record compare to the last?” or “Is this a departure from whatever?” DB: Well, Destroyer records are always pretty footloose and fancy-free, though I don’t know if they come off that way. Making a record has always been like playing around. Not that I never doubted myself, and even though as I go on my ideas for recording get more and more specific, I’m no closer to knowing exactly how I want to do things. The only real job Dylan ever had was musician. It was a career, a profession, and a craft. This could explain the gradual decline of any rock deity. As in all professions, every shark slows down with age, the cutting edge of industry moves on without them, and they’re left in their executive positions and comfortable offices, never to see the edge again. Bejar hasn’t hit the 20-year mark yet, but so far Destroyer albums sound as fresh as they ever did. The new record, Trouble In
Dreams, harks back to earlier Destroyer albums without sounding like a retread, perhaps due to the rotating collaborators anchored around the specific aesthetics of Bejar. You know which Rock God totally failed to pull that off? Damn near all of them. This is maybe an upside to the Indie Internet Subculturefest of the 21st century; nobody’s ever going to have to keep up with their image, because every image is reflected through a million different media outlets. One of them is bound to like what you’re putting down at any given time. “I don’t think anybody would even have a concept of ‘the voice of a generation’ anymore,” said the voice of Destroyer, and he’s right. The reason my Dylan comparisons seem out of place is because they’re anachronistic. “I really don’t see any identifiable lifestyle that you could pitch with the Destroyer sound or image, it would be an immense challenge, and if it does exist, it means there is a great force at work that has nothing to do with me.” With universal spokesmanship out of reach, Dan Bejar will have to settle for being the Voice of Destroyer. Anyway, a few days after I unprofessionally used my scheduled interview-time with Dan Bejar to talk about running a guitar through Univac, Destroyer would be off to SXSW, and in the middle of April off again for five weeks on that giant arc through The Great Concrete Expanse of the Eastern United States to bring their particular brand of understated, modern Canadian rock to the masses.That sort of touring requires dedication to one’s work, being about two weeks too long to maintain the bulk of your sanity, but at this point Bejar is a professional. He’s going to take the good with the not-as-good, focus on playing the right notes, and deliver what the people came to see. Because he is a working man, and somebody’s got to pay for that cheese plate. PS. I ate the cheese plate before he showed up. Ion will receive a bill.
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CULTURE
THERE’S NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF
FASHION
Stephin Merritt of The Magnetic Fields Words Natalie Vermeer
FILM MUSIC
I was afraid. I’ve heard that talking with Stephin Merritt can be terribly awkward and difficult. It’s hard enough not being intimidated by his endless body of work, ranging from film scores to musical theatre to brilliant projects such as The 6ths, Future Bible Heroes, The Gothic Archies and of course, The Magnetic Fields. Then you have to also factor in his voice: low, dry and calculated, it carries hints of condescension and is characterized by unusually long pauses. Thankfully, when I spoke with him recently, I learned my assumptions were wrong, along with some other claims people have made about Merritt. This story will not lead you to believe that he is Canadian or Buddhist. Hopefully it will lead you to believe that he is a genius and not a jerk. Merritt currently travels between New York and Los Angeles and is finishing up a tour with The Magnetic Fields.The band has just released its eighth album, Distortion, their first since 2004’s i. Quick to hum along melodies and lonely romanticisms as always, but this time with squealing feedback and fuzz: perhaps a blend of Jens Lekman and The Raveonettes? I refuse to mention a certain Jesus and Mary Chain album that seems to be referenced in every review as of late! I wondered why the album’s liner notes specified “no synths”. Merritt clarifies, “It’s not important. I didn’t use synthesizers on i, which is because we had just done a Future Bible Heroes album and we wanted to swing all the way in the opposite direction. But now it’s turned into that i was the first of the ‘no synths’ trilogy. So there will be i, Distortion and then the next Magnetic Fields album will be the third and final of the ‘no synths’ trilogy. And then I’ll have lots of synthesizers all over again.” After reading the liner notes, I found amusement looking over some reviews of the album and discovering comments such as how the opener, “Three-Way,” “sets the tone with
synthesizers.” “Yeah, it doesn’t really matter how big the font is,” Merritt maintains, “they’re not going to read the credits. Also, we’ve gotten a lot of reviews saying that Claudia is the singer when Shirley is the singer. The credits couldn’t be any clearer. But people don’t read them.” I had to double check the album credits to confirm that Merritt’s first name was spelled with an ‘i’. How many people spell ‘Stephen’ with an ‘i’?
music—loud music at that—playing? “The song that is playing is covering over the song that would be going through my head without my control,” he clarifies, “So I may be hearing ‘oogie oogie oogie’ on the sound system, but it’s over the ‘Bumble Bee Tuna’ theme running through my head, which allows me to write. But it would be a lot harder to write if I were incidentally humming the Bumble Bee Tuna theme.” He is currently writing the next Magnetic Fields album, “going with the idea of doing two in a row, which I haven’t done in a while”. “I’m almost always writing for a particular project,” he adds. “I usually do one thing at a time... When I don’t, I really regret it.” Merritt’s lyrics seem to grant hope to finding true love even though it won’t last. I couldn’t help but ask him if he thought love was realistic. “That’s a question I haven’t had to answer in 10 years,” he replies, “Can I skip that one?” Fair enough. I’ve previously read that his perfect love/run away! songs are not autobiographical, but I was curious to know his own thoughts on how his lyrics seem to portray him. Is he hopeful or cynical? “I would have no way of knowing,” he says, “For some reason, people keep asking me, well, reporters keep asking me, if I’m an optimist or a pessimist—am I bitter or am I romantic. These are things that you don’t call yourself; you only call other people. So, I have no way of knowing. If I think that things are not going to work out well and they don’t, I’m a realist. I would say that I tend to be right about whether things are going to work out well or not, so maybe that makes me neither an optimist nor a pessimist.”
“I sit around in bars listening to… disco music—a cocktail in one hand, a pen in the other”
ION MAGAZINE 38
“In the late 70’s, I saw a television program explaining that you could track your mail by spelling your name in slightly different ways, corresponding to different aspects of your life,” Merritt explains. “And I tried that and it worked really well, by the way, at the time, I don’t know that it would work now, technology has changed. And the music aspect of my life was where I was spelling with ‘i’ and it kind of stuck.” After a lengthy pause he adds, “I’m glad it wasn’t Stephin with a ‘u’.” Stephin with an ‘i’ cannot “remember ever not knowing how to play the ukulele.” But he can recall learning other instruments. “I took guitar, piano and percussion lessons when I was seven,” he states. However, he doesn’t write lyrics with an instrument in his hand. “I write lyrics and melody at the same time,” he elaborates, “I sit around in bars listening to…disco music—a cocktail in one hand, a pen in the other—and I sit for hours and give myself time to write.” But how does he write music when there is
The Magnetic Fields’ Distortion is out now on Nonesuch Records
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CULTURE
DEAR JON (BON JOVI)
FASHION
DEARROCKERS.ORG Words Emily Khong Illustration Jill Southern
FILM MUSIC
Let’s face it, record sales aren’t what they used to be and touring 365 days of the year is impossible. So help a brother out and show some love (and money) to a musician. Rather than waste your time penning the love letter you’ve been meaning to write, face the guilt that’s been gnawing at your conscience and write to that artist or band that you short-changed in royalties. Going a step beyond the typical fan letter, dearrockers.org is an outlet for music aficionados to literally pay their dues. The site encourages participants to send a letter and five dollars to a musician who they have obtained their music from, via downloads or other means. Proof of the letters is displayed in all of their glory on the website. Dear Rockers creator, Darren Barefoot, explains how the site came to be, “It was a bit of a whim, to be honest. I occasionally launch these little web projects—I’ve come to think of them as pop art experiments. They have varying degrees of success, but when they work, I get to make a bunch of people think about an idea, or maybe see an issue in a new light. GetAFirstLife. com [a satirical take on Second Life] is a good example of a recent success.” Born in Scarborough and now a resident of Morocco, Barefoot has been running the site with “just me and my dodgy web design skills.” DearRockers.org was officially launched online in late 2007 and has received dozens of submissions to date. This is no small feat considering there has been no global marketing campaign to promote the site, merely word of mouth. Barefoot also gains no profits from the project. “One of the litmus tests for the success of these projects is whether, after an initial launch, they promote themselves. That is, do they become memes? I have a fairly popular personal webblog (www.darrenbarefoot.com) so I promoted Dear Rockers there, and
emailed a few other bloggers I knew who might be interested. Beyond that, I haven’t done much,” says Barefoot. It’s very easy to add to the growing number of letters featured on Dear Rockers as simple instructions are given, including how to find an artist’s mailing address. What’s written in the body of the letter is entirely left up to the imagination of the writer. It could be an apology, a confession, or a simple thank you. Taking cues from the highly popular PostSecret project,
musicians… Some people seem to be a bit confused, and think the site is just a means to write fan letters to their favourite artists—no money or guilt absolution included.” As we all wait in anticipation for the “soon to be released” Guns ‘N’ Roses album, Chinese Democracy, fans can read one letter written to Mr. Axl Rose on the Dear Rockers site. “This is my favourite [submission], because it’s funny and a great-looking photo,” admits Barefoot. There’s no guarantee that the artist will receive the letter or even get the money (that includes you, Axl) as that is left up to the record company or management of the band that receives the mail. “There’s no way to ensure this,” explains Barefoot. “To be honest, I think the heart of the thing is in the gesture, not in the actual money itself.” Still, he admits that word is slowly getting around. “I heard from somebody’s agent who thought the project was cool and had a few questions about how it worked. I want to respect their privacy, so I’ll just say that it was an artist that has a letter on Dear Rockers.” Although the Dear Rockers creator is keeping mum about who might be in need of some money right now, participants have clearly shown that they’re supporting artists in various ways with pictures of concert stubs and band merchandise accompanying their letter and money. Not knowing if the pop art experiment will influence viewers to buy more CDs, Barefoot believes “it may make people reconsider whether and how they support artists.” There may not be any instant karma felt from sending a letter but Barefoot thinks people “might experience a little extra joy.” He adds, “It’s a good idea to live your life as if karma does exist. You’re liable to live a more admirable life if you adhere to the notion that ‘what comes around, goes around.’ Or, because we’re talking about music,‘in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.’”
“To be honest, I think the heart of the thing is in the gesture, not in the actual money itself.”
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Barefoot encourages the same creativity to be injected into the design of the letters submitted to the site. Everyone from Whitney Houston to The New Pornographers have been sent some special mail. No artist is off limits, nor are there any time constraints. The inaugural letter on the site was an easy choice for Barefoot. “I wrote the first two letters myself. Radiohead was one of those bands where I owned and enjoyed a couple CDs worth of their music, but I’d never actually given them any money via CD purchases or concert tickets.” It’s a fitting selection as Radiohead recently gave back to their fans with a pay-whatyou-want option for the online release of their latest album, In Rainbows. While visitors to DearRockers.org cannot purchase any music online with the five dollars they mail off, they can share their love of music with the rest of the world. Barefoot describes what participants have submitted so far. “They tend to tell stories from their past, about mix tapes, sneaking into concerts or teen love affairs with
ION MAGAZINE 41
FASHION
CHris Turner
CULTURE
FILM
MUSIC
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42
POSTER ART
Chris Turner has become the best poster artist in Vancouver in only five months. Mostly we believe it’s because he took a real East Van slack route to this title.“My friends asked me to make a flier for one of their parties because they liked my drawings, I suppose. After that it was basically a matter of seeing how long I could go without getting another nine-to-five after I got fired from my old job, so they kept coming with jobs and I kept taking them to make ends meet.” Getting Chris to draw your poster will come as close to guaranteeing a good party as you can imagine. His shoulder shrugging answers to why this is so are almost as good as a flier with children eating a giant snake at the dinner table. “I’m influenced by metal, horror, skating, paranoia, and things of that nature. I try to do that sort of thing and keep it fun too. Basically I try to draw things that would make you wanna get rad with your friends.” Take note poster artists of Canada. It’s really just that simple.
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ART FASHION
FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS ION MAGAZINE 44
The Apples in Stereo Electronic Project for Musicians Yep Roc
The Breeders Mountain Battles 4AD
Gnarls Barkley The Odd Couple Atlantic
She & Him Volume One Merge
This album is a giant relief. Not just
Los Campesinos! Hold On Now, Youngster… Arts & Crafts
The opening bass line in “Cannonball”
You know when you walk into a store
is forever carved into my heart. I
because the tension that precedes
Los Campesinos! first full-length
and they’re playing a song that you’ve
Johansson was recording a Tom Waits
hum it sometimes walking home
sophomore releases is like looking for
album starts off in a twee explosion
cover album, I was pretty confused.
heard before but can’t quite put your
from the bar, feeling sorry for the sad
a red tag in your locker when you’re
with “Death to Los Campesinos!”
Maybe a little turned on, but mostly
finger on it. It’s probably from this
state of music left in the wake of the
Wesley Snipes trying to make the
The rest of the songs race along full
confused. I mean, I like Tom Waits, and
album by the Apples in Stereo. They’re
post-Cobain vacuum. Everything is
opening day squad of the Cleveland
of shouted choruses, and boy-girl
I like that ScarJo is…bosomy, but other
kinda like the Byrds but with more Dr.
revivalist these days. All is vanity says
Indians, but also because Gnarls
trade-off verses; it’s also lovely to
than that, it kind of came out of left field.
Feel Good. So pretty much, a tad bit
the preacher: nothing new under the
Barkley is a band loaded with pres-
hear the glockenspiel sharing the
But when I heard that M.Ward and Zooey
more upbeat than your typical 60’s
sun. Now that the reunion bug verges
sure. This will inevitably happen when
spotlight with the keyboards, guitars
Deschanel were collaborating on an
wannabe rock band with its jingle
on epidemic, The Breeders, with
you have the credits and credentials
and drums. This seven-member outfit
album, finally, there was a musician-ac-
jangle, catchy, clap your hands kinda
Mountain Battles, have reached back
of two men like Danger Mouse and
from Wales is high on energy and
tress combo that made sense: the indie
pop. I gotta give it some brownie
into their repertoire and produced a
Cee-Lo Green. After pleasing a variety
fixated on having fun. It’s no wonder
prince of folk, and the folksy princess of
points though for the song “Stephen
rough draft of a bygone era. So now
of FM radio listeners in 2006 with St.
that they borrowed their first hit single,
indie. Not only is it not surprising, it just
Stephen,” written for and originally
they are revivalist, reviving their own
Elsewhere (and over-played single
“You! Me! Dancing!” from their debut
makes good sense. While comparisons
performed on The Colbert Report.
work, like Lazarus calling himself out
“Crazy”) we finally get to see where
EP and placed it on this album for
to Patsy Klein or Dusty Springfield will
A cute, funny song that makes the
of the grave. Had Kelley Deal died of
the odd couple are planning to take
a repeat listen.“Broken Heartbeats
fly, by the second line of album opener
album a bit more interesting. This al-
that overdose after Last Splash, she
us with their creative pleasures. It’s
Sound Like Breakbeats” stands out for
“Sentimental Heart,” Deschanel lays
bum needs more songs like “Stephen
would have been crowned a patron
satisfying to hear Gnarls Barkley turn
its dance punk transition into shoe
claim to the album as her very own.
Stephen” and less songs named “The
saint, but she lived to soldier on like
down the rap, and turn up the soul.
gazer territory at its end. And the best
Meanwhile, Ward happily plays the man
Apples Theme Song” which is com-
the rest of us. Had Kurt lived past
Danger Mouse is a far better pop mu-
song title (so far this year) goes to
behind the woman, providing instrumen-
pletely cheesy and unnecessary.
‘94 I’m sure he would have written a
sic producer than he is a hip-hop pro-
“This is How You Spell: HA HA HA, We
tation tailor-fit to showcase Deschanel’s
★★★✩✩–Kristin Cheung
record as boring and irrelevant as this.
ducer, and he’s not too bad at that to
Destroyed The Hopes and Dreams
easy-listening vocals, which hit their peak
This makes Mountain Battles strangely
begin with. I imagine this record (like
of a Generation of Faux-Romantics.”
in the country ballad “Change is Hard,”
relevant.
Cee-Lo) will only get better with age.
To decipher all the album lyrics, a
and the decidedly more ebullient “Sweet
★★★✩✩
careful listen is needed so gems like
Darlin’,” where the actress really gets to
And when our eyes meet all that I
play with the down-home twang that
can read is “You’re the B Side” aren’t
peppers her voice throughout the album.
missed. One more thing: !!!!
Volume One is a promising marriage
★★★✩✩
of Ward’s relaxed folk and Deschanel’s
★★✩✩✩
–Joseph Delamar
–Trevor Risk
–Emily Khong
When I first heard that Scarlett
emotive charms. It’s a match made in indie Camelot.
★★★✩✩ –Nojan Aminosharei
Supergrass Diamond Hoo Ha EMI
Sébastien Tellier Sexuality Lucky Number Music
Supergrass is the kind of band that
My immaturity lets loose when I
The Young Punx Your Music is Killing Me Ultra
can do anything it damn well pleases.
ask you about the CD cover: is it a
This album dropped last year in the UK
Mr. Coombes? Gareth, Gaz…from
desert landscape? Or perhaps lean
and is just now being released in North
where did you spawn? You surprise
mountains? Respectable as you are,
America. However, it would have fared
fans with each musical endeavour!
you answer “No, those are breasts,
better if it came out nine years ago in
A mélange of eclectic sound, unpre-
little lady!” The album name is very
the UK when people loved hearing this
dictable vocals from one song to the
telling—everything about this album
stuff in car commercials and bullet-time
next, and tight execution paired with
relates to sexuality. Guy-Manuel de
fight sequences.The Young Punx call their
a sound that can hardly be described
Homem-Christo (of Daft Punk, also
sound “mashpop and punkstep” but to
without the amusing image of you
lucky possessor of the longest name
me it’s the aural equivalent of running
in the universe) produced Sexuality
the gauntlet on American Gladiators.
because it’s just too much.“Diamond
and his producing lives up to his
Except instead of guys named Malibu and
Hoo Ha Man,” like every Supergrass
extremely long name. Each song
Turbo pounding you with foam batons,
album opener, is a crashing flood of
is great and some are particularly
washed up electronic musicians of yore
gritty guitars and pounding drums;
great, possessing pearl lead sounds
are hitting you with every stagnant genre
“When I Needed You” is nothing
and spot on piano fillers. Although
of dance music you can imagine.This
short of brilliant, and it would hardly
almost all of the songs have slow
album has them all—deep house, big
qualify for any other band if Coombes’
tempos, if they make a video out of
beat, jungle, disco, breaks and electro—for
emphatic vocal swagger didn’t com-
the upbeat “Divine,” I expect to see
what seems like a never ending 13 tracks
pletely knock you on your ass. No one
a thousand Sébastien Tellier bobble
plus five interludes. Unless you’re Wesley
song is like the last. It’s been three
heads ‘ba-ba’ing away on a world of
“Two Scoops” Berry, you’re probably not
years since the dark, long-drive-home
skin. Speaking of which, in sixth grade
going to make it through the whole album
album Road to Rouen and it seems
‘divine’ was my favourite word, but let
without receiving a painful shot to the
Supergrass has crash-landed in a
me say that this album is far better
ear (Berry is in jail right now for robbing a
Scandinavian garage, only to blast out
than any notion I had of the word. It
bank so chances are you aren’t him).The
some of its best songs since 1997’s
makes you want to dance and—here
cringe-inducing lyrics in “You’ve got to...”
In it For the Money. If we all grew mut-
it comes—in sexual ways indeed!
include “You’ve got to rip it and burn it and
ton chop sideburns and wore tweed
After this, all you will be saying is
pump up the sound.You’ve got to pod it
vests and white fancy shoes, would
“C’est sexy!”
and blog it... yeah.”Allow me to reluctantly
★★★★✩
suggest doing the first two. Definitely not
we all be this great?
★★★★★
–Patricia Matos
–Stefana Fratila
the last three.
★★✩✩✩
–Michael Mann
TO
ONE
DJ Craze Named “America’s Best DJ” by Time Magazine and a three time World DMC champion, DJ Craze knows the secret of DJing. He switches up genres and party themes to coincide with the culture of the night life.“Yeah, I used to do drum ‘n bass, but when I started playing it I was in Miami and it was all hot girls jiggling to it. Now it’s all dudes. Why would I keep that up?” Nowadays, he shreds dancefloors with a combination of melting electro tracks from the hip artists of the day, and the scribbling talents he’s always been known for. When we caught up with him, he impressed the hell out of us not only with his skills behind the booth, but with his unwavering patience with his fans from back in the jungle days. He scrawled down his five faves and a classic for us (and you) while at the same time dealing with flat-brimmed “bros” yelling washed-out statements
tirade, we now believe his place in
ION MAGAZINE
bobbing your head to the music
FIVE
saint-hood is secured.
45
at him like “Doooooood! I saw you in Christchurch in 2003! You ripped up some champagne wax buddy! And my girlfriend thinks you’re super hot!” Keeping up smiles during the entire
TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46
Jesus walks Words Sam Kerr Photography Toby Marie Bannister Jesus walks into a Las Vegas casino wearing a black suit, no shirt, snakeskin shoes, and a pair of black shades. Pockets empty, he strokes his beard and scans the room. Walking across the casino floor, he notices a half-witted pensioner rhythmically pulling the arm of a slot machine. Jesus places one hand on the machine, and waves the other in front of the man’s face, like a Jedi doing a mind trick, and says, “You are a good Samaritan. When this machine pays off you will share your winnings with me.” The pensioner is dazed. He pulls the arm, a bell rings, and the machine starts spitting out coins. Looking at Jesus he says, “Ten thousand dollars! I won ten grand! Take some of my winnings pal, I want to share’em with ya.” Jesus picks a one dollar coin up off of the floor and walks towards the table games; the slot machine still paying out behind him. He puts his coin down on the roulette table and asks for a cash change. A gregarious Mormon gambler laughs at Jesus’ paltry bankroll, then places a large bet on black. Jesus places his single chip on seven and stares at the Mormon. Number seven falls, Jesus wins 35 chips, and the Mormon loses his bet. Jesus lets his entire stack ride on seven, and the frustrated Mormon places another large bet on black. The ball falls on seven for the second consecutive time. Jesus looks at the Mormon, lowers his shades, and says, “What, Joseph Smith didn’t find anything
in those golden tablets about how to win at roulette?” With over a thousand dollars in chips, Jesus makes for a high stakes blackjack table. He sits down, bets his entire stack, and is dealt an ace and a jack. On the next hand he bets half his stack, and is dealt a pair of aces. He uses the rest of his money to split the aces, and is dealt two Jacks to match them. On the third hand he lets the entire stack ride. He is dealt a three and a two. The dealer shows a nine. Jesus hits, and is dealt a seven, making 12. He hits again, and is dealt an eight for 20. The table applauds his amazing luck, but Jesus isn’t finished. He hits on his 20 and is dealt an ace for 21.
The table goes silent, astounded by what they have witnessed. Jesus leaves the casino, and after a brief cab ride, he arrives at a brothel. With a pocket full of cash and an affinity for prostitutes, Jesus walks through the front door and goes directly to the stage where a stripper is dancing. He pulls out his wad of cash, and starts making it rain. Within moments, a group of money hungry hookers are vying for his attention. Needing a drink, Jesus goes to the bar. Their wine list is good, but Jesus prefers grapes harvested between 30 and 40 AD. He orders a bottle of water, turns it to wine, and starts getting wasted. After a couple of drinks, a redhead
catches Jesus’ eye. He touches her shoulder, curing her of the STDs she has contracted, and together they walk towards the back room. Jesus stops in his tracks, looks at a man in the booth before him, and says, “Satan! Why aren’t you in hell?” Satan responds, “Jesus! Why aren’t you in heaven?” They stare at one another in silence, both looking guilty as shit. They nod, and simultaneously disappear. Back in heaven, God says,“Jesus, I blinked my eyes, and felt as if you had left me? Were you gone while my eyes were closed?” Jesus has a guilty look on his face, but he says nothing; because, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
HOROSCOPES: Charles Demers ARIES Mercury rising this, moons of Saturn that; the only thing you need to know, he-man, is that Mars is pounding Venus and she can’t get enough. Your father has always expected big things from you in the balls department, ever since he found out that the curly V-shaped symbol associated with your sign was stylized ram’s horns and not a vagina. This month, make him proud by masturbating onto a cinderblock or telling a semi-racist joke. Your new ethos: Not only is the female orgasm a myth, so is the clitoris. And for you Aries girls, a men’s large from Dickies should fit you like an XL.
stand-up “Charles Demers is a ed in comic and writer bas novel is Vancouver. His first omniac Press forthcoming from Ins duo Bucket, and his sketch comedy recorded with Paul Bae,recently One.” a pilot for CBC Radio tcomedy www.myspace.com/bucke
TAURUS Unbeknownst to you, your conservative, rabidly anti-drug upstairs neighbour has decided not to call the cops on you, having realized that the smoky smell coming up the vent from your apartment is burning sage, not marijuana. He does not yet realize that sage is how you relax after boiling opium into your Gardenay soup. GEMINI You stand to become the biggest award in Canadian show business as soon as someone realizes how much the ‘Junos’ sounds like the racial insult ‘Jew nose.’ After that, they’ll follow into oblivion other racist-sounding awards like the Chinqueye (for painting) and the Italianwifewelt (for the cooking of pasta). After that, it’s spotlight: Geminis. CANCER Be careful when typing this month. It’s just like Shakespeare said: ‘You still have trouble deciding when to use single quotation marks and when to use doubles.” Try the old trick of laying a penny on each of the vowels on your keyboard, then taking them off and throwing them at your landlord, saying “There! Is six cents enough to get the rot out from around the bath?”
VIRGO Your blog is in trouble, Virgo, and there’s no point pretending that it isn’t. If you wanted no
LIBRA This is a good time for you to reassess your plans. That’s a full stop, Libra, because pretty much all of your plans are shit. Why would Brian Wilson listen to your demo tape, even if it was in his cereal box? And how do you even know where he shops, or which box he’ll pick up? It’s a fucking terrible plan, Libra. SCORPIO Open mic nights are a great way to get your new religion off the ground; it’s time to get up and get to it! You can even use that as a commandment, if you want to. SAGITARIUS Your masturbation fantasies are running incredibly low on Canadian content, and risk losing their funding. I suggest Corey Hart, Mitsou, Anne-Marie MacDonald, young Donald Sutherland and “Too Hot”-era Alanis be deployed immediately to keep you north of the 49th while south of the equator. CAPRICORN Your older brother needs to get it through his thick skull that the dichotomy between ‘girl push-ups’ and ‘boy push-ups’ is a false one. Push-ups don’t reproduce, they have no innate sex or gender, and they’re all good for you. So tell him: ‘Get off my back… literally!’ You should both have a good giggle after that. AQUARIUS Now would be a good time to ask for a raise at work, Aquarius, except that you’ve been stealing. The “Property of HMV” imprint on your new three-hole punch will be the ‘damn spot’ to your urban Lady MacBeth, but you’ll make up for it by naming your band ‘Three Hole Punch,’ thereby earning the respect of your peers, who are idiots. PISCES There’s no getting around it – this is going to be the best goddamned week of your life, and I’m proud to be a part of it. Pull the pushpins out of the posters on your wall, pally – you’re in frame town with the grown-ups from now on.
ION MAGAZINE
LEO Your grocery list is almost exactly twice the length it ought to be, but you can’t just cut it in half, because you’ve staggered in the good stuff with the bad. Compromise: you will cut the list into thirds.
traffic, you’d have invested in a dirt road running through a small town. I don’t know, you need like a facebook group or a promotional sticker for busstops or something. Anything.
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a c . s p o o ur o y e r a h s plan B速 is an emergency contraceptive that can prevent pregnancy if the tablets are taken within 72 hours (three days) following unprotected intercourse or a contraceptive accident. plan B速 does not provide protection against HIV/AIDS infection and other sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). This product may not be right for you. Always read the label and follow the instructions.
Get
from a pharmacist.