ION Magazine Issue 48

Vol 6 Issue 48 • FREE

Cut Copy Hercules & Love Affair Frontier(s) Evan & Dean

WHERE THE CATWALK AND SIDEWALK MEET

TABLE OF CONTENTS 10 Editor’s Letter A six foot drink of water, who can’t draw, now does our cartoons.

16 Of the Month This magazine’s teenage labour force, Norwegian romcoms, games you’ve been playing your whole life and a stylish little dog.

22 Of the Minute ION’s in space. What cha doing out there man? That’s pretty freaky ION. 46 Tales of Ordinary Madness This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Part-time ION writer and now about to become the masters champion.

47 Horoscopes Call Dave Shumka at 1.800.H.SCOPES for a more personalized reading. Operators are standing by.

48 Cartoons “Oh man, you got some Dinosaur Comics in my Perry Bible Fellowship. Hey wait a minute, this tastes pretty good.”

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Culture 18 Master of Puppets Feist’s dark past as a puppet enthusiast is finally exposed

FASHION 24

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Evan & Dean The names of these two rising stars of the Canadian fashion aren’t named Evan or Dean. What up with that?

White Heat Fashion editorial shot by Raina + Wilson, a photography duo from Toronto, not the guy from the The Office who plays Dwight Shrute.

FILM 34 Frontier(s) A pleasant and heartwarming movie your girlfriend will love.

MUSIC

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Hercules and Love Affair Far superior to Xena & Hate Fuck.

Cut Copy Our music editor writes an article on Cut Copy without a sports reference or reiterating how much he hates Hot Chip.

Poster Art: Tyler Rauman No one ever hears about concerts going on in Montreal because all the posters immediately get ripped off telephone poles and hung up in galleries.

Album Reviews

Five to One: A-Trak No longer playing music only dudes like.

ION Magazine Publisher

Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editors

Volume 6 Number 4 Issue 48

Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Jessica Grajczyk, Samantha Langdorf Jennifer Change, Steven Evans, Patricia Matos

Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Art Director Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Designers Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca

Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Designer Dept. Intern Aina Kawamoto Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Office Intern Jill Pakulak Writers: Nojan Aminosharei, Joseph Delamar, Al Harding, Stefana Fratila, Sam Kerr,Samantha Langdorf, Jules Moore, Kellen Powell, Derek Risk, Dave Shumka, Dr.Ian Super Photographers and Artists: Leila Bani, Toby Marie Bannister, Todd Duym, Jackie Gideon, Jon Hennessey,Dwayne Kennedy, Kris Krüg, Gordon Nicholas, Jennifer Peyton, Raina + Wilson, Andrea Tiller,Kerry Weinrauch ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 feedback@ionmagazine.ca We regrettably forgot to credit people for the following: March Cover­­—Hair: Christopher @ Moods April Socie-tee Article­—Styling: Shiva Shabani for NOBASURA.com Makeup: Jon Hennessey for NOBASURA.com

ionmagazine.ca

Cover Credits:

Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Mila Franovic - beadedeagle.blogspot.com Make-up: Samelia Miler - samelia.com Hair:Tania Becker - Liz Bell Agency / Moods Salon Model: Shea at NEXT Dress: Surface to Air at Jonathan and Olivia Vintage printed crop top: Stylist’s Own

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 10

When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister I have some very sad news for you. Nicholas Gurewitch, the brilliant artist who does the comic at the back of this magazine is taking a break and will be cutting back the number of Perry Bible Fellowship strips he does. It’s the moment I’ve feared since his strip began running in this magazine many moons ago. There have been countless nights where I’ve laid in bed worrying this would happen. I take solace in the fact that Nick is cutting back to focus on other projects and not because he thinks this magazine sucks.

The good news is 27-year-old Torontonian Ryan North will now be contributing his wonderful strip Dinosaur Comics every issue. Ryan was recently named “Best Webcomic Superhero in Toronto” by Now Magazine. He holds a masters in computational linguistics and is probably smarter than me as I have no idea what computational linguistics is. He’s sold thousands of Dinosaur Comics t-shirts to people all over the world and once received fanmail from a research station in Antarctica. He’s also proof positive that you don’t need to know how to draw to be able to do an amazing comic. Every strip of Dinosaur Comics recycles the exact same composition of Eighties era computer clip art. The only thing that changes is the text. Lazy artistically?

Debatable. Lazy intellectually? No bloody way.

So you admit that you can’t draw?

Oh yeah, I volunteer it.

What are the benefits of your self-imposed boundary of never changing the artwork?

The main benefit is you’re never facing a blank sheet of paper. I always have structure to work with.

I thought it’d be a lot more limiting when I started out. “I’ve got these same six panels. They’re all the same. This is a terrible idea.” I did 20 of them right of the bat. What I found out is that if you put “later” or “three weeks earlier” it changes the entire visual narrative. So it’s really very flexible. Which is great because it lets me tell different types of stories with the same six panels.

How did you choose which dinosaurs to use?

I chose them from their appearance then later on I figured out what they actually were.

What’s Utahraptor’s personality like?

It’s funny, a lot of the personalities come from the poses they’re in... the Raptor’s a lot more reserved and analytical and intelligent.

How about the guy who’s only in there for one frame. Dro-me-see... how the hell do you pronounce that?

Dro-me-see-ah-my-mus.

Why not Stegosaurus or Triceratops?

I guess it looked better.The Stegosaurus is kind of pointy and how do you write them when they have points in their head? I dunno, I can write Dromiceiomimus.

And T-Rex, the star?

It’s funny, by chance T-Rex is like the most popular dinosaur. Utahraptor, in a brain size to body mass ratio, was the most intelligent dinosaur and Dromiceiomimus was the fastest. So it’s like a top three dinosaur class. T-Rex is basically my ideas before I criticize them. I’ll wake up at two in the morning and be, “I have a great idea and it’s so fantastic.”

Then you wake the next morning and you’re like “What was I thinking? That was awful.” I try to capture that in T-Rex. I’ve heard you’re a giant of a man.

It’s true. I’m a tall drink of water.

How tall?

Six foot six.

Is that how you’re able to relate to T-Rex? I’ve been asked that before and I say “no” but secretly I think it’s yes.

So that’s the character that’s closest to you in the strip?

Yes, which is dangerous. My friends know that T-Rex is very close to me. I had a strip where T-Rex had a threesome and was all excited about it. I’ve never done that. My [computational linguistics] thesis supervisor was like,“Oh hey, congratulations Ryan.” It’s an embarrassing thing to explain to someone you’re trying to have a professional relationship with.

Photography Gordon Nicholas-heatersmoker.com Styling Kerry Weinrauch for NOBASURA.com

ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

The prize this month comes courtesy of Red Dragon Apparel. Red Dragon Skateboards is about as iconic as skate companies get. From the humble Red Dragon skate shop, RDS Skate Supply in North Vancouver, came Red Dragon Apparel, a line now sold wherever skaters have a 7-11 to loiter out front of and make old people feel uncomfortable.

Their women’s spring 08 line offers up a cute and affordable assortment of shorts, skirts, tops, tees and hoodies. It’s stylish enough to look great in but practical enough to outrun the security guards in. To enter, go to ionmagazine.ca

ION MAGAZINE

Hair & Makeup: Andrea Tiller Model: Xylia At Liz Bell Agency

EDITOR’S LETTER 12

Red Dragon Apparel

spring 2008 www.flosport.com

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 16

dvd DVD DVD Fashion Gone With persepolis Rambo Yak Pak the woman Could we do any more promo for This magazine’s love for quirky in- What do you get when a college Who knew Norway was making better romcoms than anything North American studios could ever dream of churning out. This is probably due to the fact that Julia Roberts, Hugh Grant, Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey can’t speak Norwegian. Also, having an incredibly witty writer who’s actually been in a relationship that wasn’t arranged by the Church of Scientology doesn’t hurt either. Watch a young man, clueless in ways of women, get his life turned upside down by a crazy chick who takes over his life. Naturally, he makes the stupid mistake of falling in love with her. One of the most insightful and intelligent romcoms you’ll ever see. Added bonus, those with Y chromosomes will enjoy it too.

this movie? Yes, apparently. But all our rah rah rah-ing about Marjane Satrapi’s animated feature is justified. Though it got beat out by Ratatouille at the Oscars for best animated feature, Persepolis’ wonderful hand-drawn aesthetic is far cooler looking than anything Pixar ever released. Also, Ratatouille was a story about a rodent who wants to be a chef, Persepolis tackles the Islamic Revolution in Iran. You tell us what’s more important in the grand scheme of things? This movie will bring a smile to anyone’s face. Hell, George Bush and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad should sit down and watch this one together. Okay, we’ll shut up about this movie now. Promise.

die comedies pales in comparison to this magazine’s love for seeing Sylvester Stallone, jacked on growth hormones, kill five people with a bow and arrow in under 20 seconds from a distance of over 100 yards.

It doesn’t seem possible, but after witnessing this scene we’re pretty sure Rambo was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. But hold on. It’s 2008 and we’re talking about Rambo.

Just think about how crazy that is for a minute. It’s insane this movie got made. It’s insane people went and saw this movie in theatres. As much as we wanted to ignore this movie, the fact is it’s just insanely good and is the best B-movie of the year.

student goes to Tibet? Usually nothing more then a bunch of rambling stories that are accompanied by photos you don’t care about. Or you could get the inspiration for a bag company. The idea of Yak Pak was conceived on the banks of remote Lake Nam Co, during a college student’s trek there some 20 years ago and shortly thereafter the first Yak Pak office opened in Brooklyn.

Since then Yak Pak has become well known for their funky patterned cloth bags. Rainbows and unicorns, multi-coloured pills, birds, and wavy bands of colour are just some of the many patterns that you will find in this line. Some are like an acid trip, some are just plain cool, but they are all like a little ray of sunshine that you can wear on your shoulder. www.yakpak.com

Game Mario Kart Wii It seems like the Wii keeps getting sicker by the minute. While the Xbox 360 and the PlayStation 3 continuously battle to show off who has the best graphics with uninspired first person shooters, Nintendo just keeps putting out updated franchise games that you’ve been playing your whole life. Like all Nintendo games, they take all of 30 seconds to learn because you’ve been playing them your whole life. However the real fun comes when you invite a few friends over and start peppering them with turtle shells. Staying at home and playing video games with friends is the new going out.

Pet sid Sid is the closest thing to a celebrity dog that Vancouver has. He can be spotted roaming the streets of Gastown and the catacomb-like location of the new Komakino store.

Go visit him in the basement of 109 West Cordova and marvel at Sid as he strolls through this stylish boutique with the kind of confidence that can only come from knowing that if he was a human, he’d unquestionably be a better dresser than you. Send your pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca to have your pet immortalized in print.

Contributor Contributor Stefana aina Fratila Kawamoto Stefana is one of those people that we all resent on paper because of her many talents. She’s a magnificent music critic, superb improv artist, and the music she makes references a level of lyrical and aural maturity unreached by those born decades before her. She’s also ION’s youngest staff member at the age of 16.

Thankfully, she’s neither precocious or pretentious, and any resent you may feel towards her is clearly stemming from your guilt for only having smoked pot behind the Home Depot when you were her age.

Aina is ION’s design intern. During the day she’s a mild-mannered and hardworking first year art student at Emily Carr who dreams of being a professional designer. When darkness falls she transforms into an unstoppable partying machine that drinks the city dry then ends up on a dozen different party photo websites. She’ll put her lightening quick fists through the windows of any cab that refuses to take her home to Coquitlam. Aina cannot and will not be stopped. Fear her.

ION MAGAZINE 17

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 18

MASTER OF Puppets

Anthony Seck Words Samantha Langdorf

Leslie Feist’s newest music video for her song “Honey Honey” features a cast of characters under two feet tall. Delicately carved out of wood and painted by hand, the stars of the video are puppets who tell a tale of loss and longing. “‘Honey Honey’ is the story of losing someone to the doldrums of the sea,” the video’s director Anthony Seck explains. The song has the feeling of an old fable, a quality that Seck enjoyed transferring onto film. “I think it is one of the most literal things I have worked on in a music video. It’s almost like Leslie is telling a tale and we’re just sort of highlighting that tale through the direction of the video.”

The three minute video took no less than five months of planning and groundwork to realize.

“There is always a lot of preparation required to prepare for shooting a music video, but this is the most work I have ever put into one video. It was also the most involved I have ever been in producing something,” Seck says from his Los Angeles studio where he is currently cutting the video.

The conceptualization of the video presented a number of obstacles that needed to be overcome in order to tell the tale of the song.

Seck, along with his creative collaborator Judd Palmer had to determine the mood for the video before construction could even begin on the puppets. Although both men, along with Feist, were involved in the initial design plans for the puppets, it was Palmer who undertook the construction of them. “Judd did such an amazing job carving the puppets. There are all these subtleties to them, like if the fisherman’s hat is down a little bit he looks determined but if it’s up he looks bewildered,” Seck says. This was not an easy feat to achieve, considering the puppets are wooden and incapable of altering their expressions. “They can’t make a lot of movements like the puppets from Team America, so we had to decide what the overall

emotion was going to be that carried through the entire piece and then we had to stick with it.”

There was also the issue of creating a believable world within set pieces the size of shoe boxes. As Seck explains, “We had to create the illusion that this miniature world actually existed, which means that we had to figure out ways that the camera could move through the sets rather than just relying on wide angle shots.”

While the preparation for the video began back in the fall, the initial idea for a puppet video was born out of a friendship between Feist and Palmer that began over 10 years ago. In 1996, at the age of 18, Feist became intrigued by a group of performers unloading puppets into the Garry Theatre in Calgary for a puppet operetta called The Death of Benvenuto Cellini. Her intrigue led to a summer of volunteering with the group, called the Green Fools Theatre Society. She toured with the group as they performed at folk festivals throughout Alberta and in the fall she traveled to an international puppet festival. Following that summer, Palmer and Feist remained friends and as Feist became more involved in her music they began to formulate an idea for a puppet project featuring her songs. In 1998, Palmer and some of the other Green Fools members split off to form The Old Trout Puppet Workshop, the group that would eventually play an integral role in the “Honey Honey” video.

The Old Trout Puppet Workshop had its beginnings on a ranch in Southern Alberta. Their first production had its world premiere in a bunkhouse filled with Southern Alberta cowboys and Hutterites. Since then, the Trouts have gone on to produce creative and unique theatre pieces that have toured the world. One such production debuted to sold-out crowds at Vancouver’s PuSh International Theatre Festival in 2006.

Famous Puppet Death Scenes features 22

gruesome scenes in which the gentle, wooden characters meet their ultimate demise. They are hanged, dismembered, disemboweled, shot and squashed. Despite its somewhat sinister subject matter, the play has continued to entertain packed theatres throughout North America.

Feist’s summer spent learning from Palmer and working with puppets had a clear influence on her artistic aspirations for the “Honey Honey” video but it also seems that her love of puppetry has extended beyond this particular song. Her current tour includes a visual element courtesy of Clea Minaker who has been performing puppet shows with theatre companies across Canada for many years. During Feist’s shows, Minaker is stationed onstage throughout the performance. She uses materials such as paint, paper, beads, and fabric to create silhouettes on a light table that projects the images onto a screen behind the band. The method is a more polished and artistic version of a classroom overhead projector.

The projected images are visually striking yet low-tech, an effect that Feist and Palmer also wanted to achieve in the video for “Honey Honey.” Once they decided to begin work on the puppet video that they had been imagining, Seck was brought on to write and direct the video. Another longtime friend and collaborator of Feist’s, Seck met Feist through Brendan Canning before Broken Social Scene’s formation in 1999. Seck and Feist worked together for the first time when Seck produced Broken Social Scene’s video for “Almost Crimes.” Since then, they have collaborated on a number of projects including Feist’s videos for “Mushaboom,” and “One Evening,” as well as some behind the scenes productions that are currently featured on Feist’s website. For Seck, collaborating with Feist is always a challenging and exciting experience. “I really love working with Leslie. She gives me the creative freedom to try so many different things.”

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TE U IN UT M E DO TH OF PACE S O S

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3 4 Model Nichola at Charles Stuart International

Hair & Makeup Caitlin Callahan for NOBASURA.com using MAC

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6 Yellow tank by Alexander Wang ($342.00) from Misch Sunglasses from Bang-On. www.bang-on.com Printed tank by Like Sunday ($99.00) from Nouvelle Nouvelle. 9 Silver Hot Shorts by Christina Darling ($125.00) 10 Machine-aged bangle by Fallon ($150.00) from Obakki.

11 Jelly wedges by Melissa for Alexandre Herchcovitch ($86.00) from Gravity Pope.

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 24

West MEETS East

EVAN & DEAN

Words Nojan Aminosharei Photography Fiona Garden Vacouver’s West End is a tightly packed neighbourhood of storefronts and walk-ups, adjacent to a beachside where condos freckle inland. It’s dominated by the gays and the elderly, making it the city’s answer to Palm Springs. Sitting in a crowded local coffee shop, this neighbourhood would be the perfect locale to ask the up-and-coming West Coast design team, Raymond Boutet and Lyle Reimer, if their style was tied to the Pacific Ocean that funnels into the city not two blocks away. “No, we definitely have an Eastern aesthetic,” Boutet confirms over top of two loud patrons at the next table. “It could even be pushed further east, to an Italian aesthetic.”

With its distinct East Coast sensibilities, it should then come as no surprise that Boutet and Reimer’s label, Evan & Dean, was inaugurated with overwhelming praise when its Fall 2008 line was unveiled at Toronto’s L’Oréal Fashion Week in late March. “Directly after the show,” Reimer recalls, “half of the collection was pulled for a shoot in Harper’s Bazaar, so we were elated about that.”

When their collection debuted back home at BC Fashion Week two weeks later, the anticipation had been laid out like a red carpet for Boutet and Reimer. The show proved to be as adventurous and expressive as the word of mouth had foretold. Chic pieces like a brown lambskin skirt and jacket combination with their lacquered finish shone under the runway lights. Other garments like an oversized coat made of “featheresque” material (a term that, after minimal prodding, Boutet and Reimer admit they invented) made a statement the moment they came into view.

The collection, Boutet explains, “revolves around the story of refined kitsch—kitsch being garish—that naturally developed into a story of dichotomies: darks and lights; full

volume, slim; technical and natural fabrics; fitted not fitted.”

Evan and Dean are the names of their nephews—a detail that, upon disclosure, is always accompanied by a flutter of endearment. The label is by nature a collaboration of opposites, or as Boutet calls it, “the art of compromise.

That’s constantly what we’re working towards with Evan & Dean. We have two very different aesthetics. Mine is very traditional and constructed, while his [Reimer’s] is very artsy and eclectic.” Boutet’s traditional focus largely highlights “the architecture of the body—how to emphasize certain points of the female body as you would a building,” and elements of Reimer’s artistry work in harmony with this goal. The fruits of their compromise are tailored pieces like jackets with customizable bows that dangle from the shoulders, or—the collection’s standout, and the pair’s favorite— a black bias-cut gown with a cascade of silk detailing down one side.

The team makes no secret of designing for The Confident Woman. “Someone who, at the end of the day,” as Reimer puts it, “has the balls to pull it off.” The cornerstone of Evan & Dean’s success is in its eye for intricacies. Fittingly, the collection includes plenty of embellishments like lacquered buttons, pleats, flaps, and bows. “I think that the collection brings in those kitsch elements to a dramatic point,” Boutet reflects, “but that it’s still beautiful.”

Evan & Dean’s trajectory is towards establishing itself as an international brand, an innovator on the world stage, and it is well on its way.

Styling: Mila Franovic-Beadedeagle.blogspot.com Hair & Makeup: Jon Hennessey For Nobasura.com Model: Lucy Born At Liz Bell Agency

ION MAGAZINE 25

+ wilson - rwphotographic.com + hair & concept by jackie gideon - judyinc.com hair assisant - paolo marola - onare’ salon styling by dwayne kennedy - judyinc.com models - liam, soren, krista, jonathan, dana brandon elmer olsen models. kirsten - elite models photograhy by raina make up

previous page: krista, plastic hooded windbreaker: hugo boss this page: liam, tank: perforated leather hoodie: hugo boss

this page: dana, bathing suit: acne, dress shirt: acne, booties: christian loubutin, patent/chain belt: michael kors, quilted leather headband from holt renfrew. soren, distressed tee: dior, metalic pants: hugo boss, necklace from jacflash: alex previous page: jonathan, shirt: eskander, necklace from jacflash: alex & chloe.

& chloe.

this page: kristen, metallic tulle dress: hugo boss, white safari jacket: fillipa k. next page: dana, bathing suit: acne, dress shirt: acne, booties, christian loubutin, patent brendan, jacket: fillipa k, necklace from jacflash: alex & chloe.

/ chain belt, michael kors.

this page: kristen, white safari jacket: filkipa k. next page: brendan, jacket: filkipa k.

CULTURE

Le Cannibal Holocaust

FASHION

Xavier Gens’ Frontier(s) Words Michael Mann

FILM MUSIC

One of the few positive things that can be said about the current Bush Administration is it inspired the Torture Porn genre. You may not think watching people being tortured and begging for their lives in movies like Hostel or Saw is the cat’s pajamas, but they’re undeniably a fascinating cultural phenomenon. The success of these films is a sign of the times and can be attributed to people being bombarded with the disturbing images of 9/11, the war in Iraq and Abu Ghraib.

Relatively happy times, on the other hand, inspire bland horror movies. Look at what we had while Bill Clinton was in power: Scream, I Know What You Did Last Summer and The Craft.

As big studios continue to crank these movies out at an impressive and profitable rate, something different has been going on in France. The French have silently been releasing their own brand of horror films like Calvaire, High Tension, Sheitan and Inside that are far more disturbing and artistic than anything being produced in North America. One film that rises above the rest is Frontier(s). Watching Frontier(s) is like going to an all-you-can-eat buffet and being force-fed the most violent and disturbing films you’ve ever seen by a sadistic maître d’ until you explode. The sadistic maître d’ in question is the film’s 33-year-old director, Xavier Gens.

“I wanted to make the French Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We don’t have any stories like that,” he explains from his office in Paris with an English to French dictionary in hand. The influence of Tobe Hooper’s classic is evident in style, tone and story. Riots ensue as a result of the rise of an ultra-conservative political party. Amid the chaos, some opportunistic crooks pull off a heist and flee the city until the heat is off. They arrive at a small and insignificant country inn.This inn is populated by a bunch of harmless, albeit eccentric, country rubes, who offer the crooks a free place to stay and free reign over the female employees’ bodies.

Nothing to get too worried about, right?

It turns out the inn’s staff are all one big family.

Not only that, and you’re going to love this, they’re neo-Nazi cannibals. What ensues is an intense and stomach-churning survival horror where people are shot, stabbed, sledgehammered, sliced, snipped, impaled, cooked and eaten. This movie doesn’t simply raise the bar for violence on screen. It takes the bar, sharpens the end and stabs you in the stomach with it.

What made him want to make such an insane-

the film’s lack of sex, “The French MPAA at the beginning wanted to rate it like a porno movie” for “the extreme violence and the psychological moments that were too dark for them.” In the States, Frontier(s) was hit with an NC-17 rating, which means no teenagers, regardless of whether they’re accompanied by an adult, are able to see the film. This didn’t trouble Gens at all. “After, we made a commercial for the movie and a poster that said it was the first NC-17 [horror] movie in theaters. I was really happy. The American distributor didn’t cut anything and it’s completely my director’s cut.”

Films like Hostel and Saw typically receive an NC-17 rating on the first viewing by the ratings board. Cuts are always made to get an R rating and ensure the film will get good distribution and be seen by a wider audience. Though a mild fan of Hostel and Saw, Gens thinks “there is a real commercial thinking behind that type movie. There is no soul of the director. I know Frontier(s) is not perfect but it’s a sincere movie. I made the movie with my heart and my head... We made the movie just for the love of the art. The problem with Saw and Hostel?

Those are movies made for the love of the money.” He then offered up his opinion on why Torture Porn is commercially successful. “When there is a big trauma in reality, audiences need to have a fake fear through movies. It’s to exorcise their fear of reality.” So the next time someone complains to you about how the world is going down the toilet, be sure to point out that life in the sewer isn’t all bad. Go McCain!

“I wanted to make the French Texas Chainsaw Massacre. We don’t have any stories like that.”

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ly violent film? “Ummm, my childhood,” he jokes.

The real motivation came from the 2002 French presidential election,“when the extreme right party was running. That was a great fear for me and I wanted to express my fear.” Further inspiration for the film came from what was going on outside his apartment. Three years ago extended race riots in the Paris suburbs led to a state of emergency being declared. “I saw from my windows a lot of cars burning everywhere. Fortunately for me, my car was in the garage.”

Reactions to Frontier(s) have been extremely positive given the content of the film. Respected genre film website Bloody-Disgusting.com gave it a perfect score. Audiences are enjoying it as well.

Gens takes great pleasure from telling me about a woman who fainted three times during a screening. He’s also quick to point out “when the main actress kills the guy on the table saw, I remember in every screening I’ve attended, all the time, it’s the same reaction… There is cheering. It’s a fun moment to share with the audience.”

Ratings boards aren’t cheering though. Despite

Frontier(s) is out on DVD in May.

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Hercules And Love Affair Words Joseph Delamar Photography Todd M Duym for NOBASURA.com Assistant Curtis Santiago

CULTURE

If

FASHION

FILM MUSIC

House music is the Hydra then Hercules and Love Affair endeavour to slay the monster from Lerna. The genesis of dance music reaches across history from the fugues of Bach to the very paeans of Apollo himself. Said to have originated in Chicago in the mid-Eighties, House has become synonymous with a four-to-the-floor beat and a culture that generally operates from 5 to 9. The hero Hercules sought to complete the twelve labors initiated by the Oracle of Delphi to atone for the murder of his wife and kids; Andy Butler, the groups progenitor, has loftier goals: to bring credible dance music that is palatable to the average listener.

This Brooklyn-based dance act have siphoned the annals of jazz, R&B, funk, soul and pop and filtered it through the rag of house music via Chicago, San Francisco, Denver and finally New York City.Their self-titled debut on DFA—which heavily features the vocals of Mercury Prize winning Antony of Antony and the Johnsons— unifies these influences to please both the casual club goer and the hard-core House Nazis. When ION caught up with Andy he let us in on some of the history of House music in middle-America, what it’s like working with Antony and why New York DJs suck.

wanted to inject that into my music. I keep it experience based and kind of therapeutic, so that approach may be considered conservative.

You have been based in a number of American cities: how much of your music is based on geography?

In the early Nineties, growing up in Denver... there was a thriving house music community because it was situated between Chicago and San Francisco. So San Francisco had all these DJs who had left England after acid house and started doing these parties and became really important in the warehouse party and rave scenes in California and they would come through Denver all the time. And Chicago had all these legends,

Prize hullabaloo. Did you have a larger vision for the record at the time or did things just evolve?

[Laughs] I had the smallest vision you could have. My immediate goal was, let’s record Antony singing on this song and I can hear his voice against synthetic texture. That was the extent of my initial ambition and then I had fun remixing “Blind” [the first single] over and over.

House music is a great example of music on the move, is there anyone that interests you right now in dance music? Music in general?

I think it’s the people who are not trying to make it that have the interesting voices. I think too many people come [to New York] with this grand intention of doing something and everyone you meet is a thing, is a business etc. New York is so career driven and it begs the question, with all that focus, with all that stress on “making it” and trying to pay your rent, what’s really going on with your art? I’m more of a mind now that there is something going on in Indianapolis, Indiana or wherever than here in New York.

“The harsh reality of New York is that it is completely inhospitable to artists.”

ION MAGAZINE 38

Would you say this is a liberal record or a conservative one?

That’s a funny question. It’s a personal record.

Lyrically I tend to write from an introspective place and poetically I write these more emotionally processing poems. The lyrical content was derived from childhood experiences and in some ways I was in pursuit of my voice as a kid, so there is playfulness to some of the songs and then also there is more of an intense adult questioning or introspective looking element to other songs. People have said to me the record is sexy and my response is,“Wow, I don’t feel sexy at all.”

However, others have said there is an eroticism or a sensual nature to the record, which I can get with a lot more. I grew up in a post-AIDS society. I grew up learning about safe sex. I grew up learning about the dangers of excess and stuff like that. And I’m also at a point in my life where I’m interested in productivity, positivity, health and I

all these old school legends who were coming through. So I got to see a lot of amazing music growing up. It’s funny because anytime a New York DJ would come to town I would go see them and they would suck.

Were you disappointed when you moved to New York?

New York was a really magical, fertile landscape in the early Eighties/late Seventies and throughout the Seventies and late Sixties and you know, people still have this romantic notion of what New York is and the harsh reality of New York is that it is completely inhospitable to artists.

Manhattan is really just an island of commerce.

It’s not the sort of creative hotbed one might come here for. I came here in 1996 looking for a New York from 1976.

Most people are curious about the Antony connection for obvious reasons; you started this project four years ago as a one off, well before The Johnsons and the entire Mercury

In all your labours on the record, Greek mythology notwithstanding, there is a strong feminine voice that appears. How does that relate to your oeuvre of music?

I made the record for personal reasons. [Most] people haven’t picked up that there is a feminine voice on the record which I really speak to a lot in my lyrics. There is a song called “Athene” which is an homage to strong women and my mother.

In general there is a femininity embedded into the record. I was born into a life of struggling for rights or whatever. Having a personal struggle.

For a lot of my life it was like, am I equal as a gay man, am I less than or am I equal? I look at the people around me and women where, like, am I less than or am I equal. I was trying to suspend judgment. Perhaps that feminine voice that I was exploring as a young person [in Denver] was sort of pushed down or pushed to the side. Maybe lets look at that voice.

Hercules and Love Affair’s self-titled album will be released in North America in June.

ION MAGAZINE 39

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 40

NEWER ORDER

Cut Copy

Words Trevor Risk Photography Kris Krug - staticphotography.com Ed Banger Records is the reason that baby boomers and Gen-X’ers hate dance music. The label has spearheaded the idea that when in a nightclub, all of our asses should be forcefully pounded by obnoxious “musical” rhetoric that curiously sounds like the viral video “All Your Base Are Belong To Us.” Over the last few years the smartest of clubbers have quietly had ominous feelings that this French house sound will be judged by history with more emperors-newclothes references than Larry Tee’s “Electroclash” tours a few years back. Then there’s Modular, a label that’s looking long range. Apart from Wolfmother (and a curious member of the Modular crew, Jack Johnson), this charming group of Aussies have imprinted a roster of dance-y bands we can all listen to and enjoy from now until the time we’re old enough to wear checkered pants and shout senile, casually racist remarks at passers-by from a porch. The leader in timeless tunes from Modular is cosmic-discoshoegaze outfit Cut Copy. Tim Hoey called me from Sydney to chat and laugh about the goings on in the worlds of Australian radio, menacing outback faunae, and the life of a dance/pop band that can take on the mainstream in a way that Uffie and Fischerspooner never could, can, or will ever be able to.

“In the last 12 months or year and a half, the really noisy Ed Banger, Boys Noize kind of thing really took off here.Those guys used to come over here and say that this is bigger here than anywhere in the world.

[The music] was getting harder and harder.You’ll turn on the radio and you’ll hear Justice. I think in the past couple of months that’s starting to change a little bit.

I think the whole cosmic disco thing is certainly coming back, like all the stuff that [New York City based super-label] DFA is doing at the moment. Y’know we’re DJing four or five DFA records out a night. It’s kind of crazy. People are just coming up and asking for it. Maybe that cosmic disco thing is starting to take off again here, or maybe gaining an audience for the first time. We kind of came along with the [Midnight] Juggernauts and The Presets, but kids just wanted the hardest stuff. We’d be DJing and they’d want this

crazy, distorted...” Tim takes a break to smugly laugh at his own statement “this un-listenable dance music happening in clubs. Seeing people dance to it’s really funny.”

It is funny. It’s actually the third most amusing phenomenon to see in a nightclub next to watching people try and dance to 6/8 time signatures (I’m looking at you “The Sweet Escape” by Gwen Stefani), and thizz-faced ecstacy users trying to drink a bottle of water without taking the cap off. Cut Copy’s music isn’t funny, but it’s fun. It’s the kind of music that can be spun for legions of night-lifers, soundtracked for afternoon make-out sessions, or half-listened to while preparing sausages for Johnny Marr’s family reunion picnic. These three better-than-average-looking men at work (Dan Whitford, and Mitchell Scott rounding out the tri-force that is Cut Copy) have carved out a place in the world of pop and dance that has been only bested by New Order. The comparisons to the legendary Factory Records outfit have followed our heroes through their entire career thus far, and seem to have been accepted by the band finally, although humbly.

“I’ve kind of been a fan of New Order since the teenage days. One way or another they kind of found their way into the sound of Cut Copy. People always put in the New Order comparison because as soon as they hear synthesizers and that kind of pop music, and maybe Dan’s voice as well, the New Order comparisons get thrown around, which is fine. There’s worse bands to be compared to I guess.”

Like Peter Hook and the gang in the mid-Eighties, Cut Copy has happily linked the world of songsmithing and shoulder-shimmying in an attempt to cease the long war between the two. To complete this coupling, they’ve brilliantly added shoegazed, feedback-laden, reverbed guitars on the new album In Ghost Colours (colours with a “u” to alienate those not of the Queen’s colonies), propelling Cut Copy to a level of artistry only matched by certain LSD dosing bands of the past. Tim explains the manner in which this perfect addition to the sophomore effort

was achieved.

“After years of touring the first record and playing those songs live, we started incorporating guitars into our live set. We all come from that background though. I grew up listening to early Nineties guitar indie rock, like that shoegaze scene. There was a festival we were playing at out here, and those Soulwax guys were performing at it and they saw us play and they said we should make an album like The Jesus and Mary Chain, so maybe that got implanted into the back of our minds. We never really had a preconceived idea about like ‘okay, this is going to be our rock song and this is going to be our dance song.’

I think it’s about serving the song and the album first and just kind of going with it instead of having a preconceived idea. I think maybe Tim (Goldsworthy, co-founder of DFA records and producer of In Ghost Colours) kind of brought that out of us too because his emphasis is very much on experimentation as opposed to ‘this is what we’re going to do today.’”

In North America, Australia is painted for us as a faraway land where giant land lobsters will whaleride around on horned bird-beasts, terrorizing children and the elderly. Tim fails miserably in his attempt to convince us of Australia’s safety.

“It’s funny, everybody always brings this up! When we were at DFA they were always saying ‘there’s no way I’m going there. I hear there’s spiders the size of your head!’ It’s fine, I’ve never been bitten by anything. I think if you go North and head inland you’ll come across some pretty freaky stuff though. I actually had a friend last year who got attacked by a shark. It was a friend from my early years of high school that I had kind of lost touch with, and it came on the news that he had been bitten by a shark. I don’t actually go that far out into the water anyways, so it’s not going to happen to me.”

New slogan for Australian tourism: “Australia!

Where everyone is six degrees from danger!”... and one degree from “Bizarre Love Triangle.”

In Ghost Colours is out now on Modular.

ION MAGAZINE 41

FASHION

Tyler Rauman

CULTURE

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

42

POSTER ART

It’s way easier to be in a band when you and your bandmates have skills other than programming swirly retro synth sounds. Useful abilities include: screen printing, promoting, duping women into thinking you’re going to make it big, growing moustaches (bass player only), and of course poster artistry. Tyler Rauman can check at least one off the list as evidenced by his admirable posters. “My first posters in Montreal were for my band Telefauna back when we were just starting up in 2004. Afterwards I started to do some designs for free for promoters in town, mainly for fun and as a handy way to get into shows, sometimes meet bands that I admired, or maybe get a free beer or something. I didn’t take it too seriously at first, which in a roundabout way ended up being huge for me because at the time I had kinda run myself into a rut and drawing posters loosened me up and suddenly I was really excited about drawing again, so I kept on doing it.” Make certain you look up his “sometimes I blog” blogs at www.myneuralart.blogspot.com and www. telefauna.blogspot.com

ION MAGAZINE 43

ART FASHION

FILM M83 Saturday=Youth Mute

Mystery Jets Twenty One Msi Music

No disrespect to Weird Al, but music

I was really looking forward to this al-

Kicking off an adorably beautiful and

that’s funny usually sucks and has a

bum because M83 is one of a handful

honest Brit-pop record with a rave siren

basically all Livejournal users. That’s a

shorter lifespan than the common fruit

of bands that have been included in

is like starting off an evening of making

sound, vintage keyboards and peculiar

lot of fans. Narrow Stairs is the album

fly (two months tops). Hot off their hit

an art/science fiction film movement

love to Eva Marie Saint by pulling out a

off-scale chord progressions! I feel I

that will determine if they appeal to

HBO show about trying to make it as a

that occurred over the past few years.

15-inch black dildo. Maybe after some

have a duty to like this in the same

more than just the 1991 babies (that

band in NYC, Flight of the Conchords,

In making this association I’m kind of

wine, tender smooches, and years of

way bass players need to love Victor

means teenagers!) and if their devout

aka Bret McKenzie and Jemaine

lumping them in with bands like Sigur

sweet caresses between the sheets can

Wooten and drummers need to love

blogging fans will follow them through

Clement aka New Zealand’s fourth

Rós and Godspeed You Black Emperor!.

you spice it up, but whip that kind of thing

Dream Theater t-shirts. That being said,

their attempt at a ‘darker’ album.

most popular comedy folk duo, might

While this may not be a musically

out and you run the risk of scaring away

Clinic’s inclination is far from main-

Well, okay, it is darker I suppose. But

change that with this release of tracks

sophisticated comparison, stylistically

what could potentially be a rich walk

stream and they achieve what they

how dark can an album get when the

from the first season. The songs are

and thematically all three bands are

down Lover’s Lane. Skip the squinting

set out to do from the fuzzy guitars of

other guy from The Postal Service,

all funny and subversive, the parodies

consistent and played crucial roles in

assault of opener “Hideaway” and you’ll

the opening track “Melodies” to the

Ben Gibbard, is whining away? Things

are extremely clever and, as an added

the development of a film aesthetic

be treated to a classic album with all the

twitchy, brassy feel of “Corpus Christi”

just fall through; the potential of the

bonus, it’s musically on point. The

that, for a while, I was very excited

pop complexity of The Great Escape, and

and “Shopping Bag.” The album is full

songs are not realized even though

problem with this album is it doesn’t

about. My excitement for it kind of

the fun of a Super Furry Animals/Guided

of manipulated vocals and strange in-

they are produced nicely. One of

stand on its own if you haven’t seen

died out when certain filmmakers

By Voices double-bill. So be brave listen-

strumentation and, on the whole, is an

two things will happen: the fan base

the show. Songs like,“Bowie” where

started realizing that they could use

ers, only in the leap from the lion’s head

interesting exploration of musicianship

they’ve garnered over a decade will

Brett and Jermaine sing about David

this type of music to fake profundity in

will you prove your worth. Lastly, I apolo-

in an “indie” context. The album’s most

be severely disappointed, or hail them

Bowie in outerspace, while both imper-

their vapid self-indulgent “indie-style”

gize for the Blur reference all you Brit-

accessible track might be “Emotions”

as “triumphant” because they had

sonate Bowie over a medley of popular

films. I had hoped that this new album

popsters, but I couldn’t find a Gay Dad

if only because of the introduction of

the balls to put out this weird, gloomy,

Bowie tunes and “Robots” where Bret

would maybe breathe some new life

album peppered with complexity.

legitimate vocal melody and conven-

reverb pedal album. The eight-min-

and Jemaine sing in robot voices

into the aesthetic, or at least get me

tional guitar, but who’s after this band

ute-long single,“I Will Possess Your

about the robotic uprising in the late

a little more excited about it again.

★★★★✩

for convention? Mostly, I found the

Heart,” sums up what is wrong. Death

Nineties are good. However, you’ll only

Unfortunately it seems as if they’ve

lyrics to be so indiscernible that I often

Cab sound confused for the whole al-

curl up on the floor and giggle like an

dropped the ball.“Midnight Souls Still

ION MAGAZINE

MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

Clinic Do it!

Domino

Death Cab For Cutie Narrow Stairs Atlantic Records

Flight of the Conchords S/T Sub Pop

You couldn’t create a band more

For years Death Cab have held tight

ready to be loved by critics than Clinic;

to being picked as “current music” by

Liverpudlians, indie-rockers, eclectic

resigned myself to treating it like an

bum—like they didn’t know what they

idiot if you’re able to visualize the duo

Remain” is a promising track that

instrumental album. Also, Clinic like

wanted or when to stop. You might

performing the songs in their Ziggy

makes us think M83 is ready to offer

to wear physicians masks, which is

feel the same.

Stardust outfits and $2 robot costumes.

us more of the droney post apocalyptic

★★✩✩✩–-Stefana Fratila

So if this album doesn’t do it for you, it

soundscapes they are capable of, but

begs the question: why don’t you own

the album quickly deteriorates into a

the first season on DVD yet?

fairly generic “chill-out compilation.”

44

★★★★✩

★★★✩✩

★★✩✩✩

kinda kitschy and makes me think of Slipknot somehow and I hate thinking of Slipknot.

–Derek Risk

–Michael Mann

–Kellen Powell

–Trevor Risk

Neon Neon Stainless Style Universal John Delorean: engineer, visionary,

Nick Cave & The Bad Seeds Dig, Lazarus, Dig!!!

Mute

Scarlett Johansson Anywhere I Lay My Head Rhino

playboy, maverick… inspiration for a

Nick Cave is best known for his dark,

out the window: I’ve seen The Island,

concept album? All true, but Neon

granular storytelling, and now on

I’ve seen The Black Dahlia, and I regret

Neon’s offering of Stainless Style has

his 14th studio album with the Bad

nothing. Why? Well, that’s a mystery

Let’s start by throwing my credibility right

completely fucked up my love of bi-

Seeds, not a damn thing has faded

wrapped in a riddle wedged between

ographies. When you present a man

(except Cave’s heroin addiction).

Scarlett Johansson’s spectacular cleav-

as smooth, buttery pop-synth sounds,

Whether it’s with the Bad Seeds, his

age. Oh no, wait.That last thing.That’s

romaine lettuce crisp snares, and

newborn bandlet Grinderman, or

why. But surprisingly, that’s not the

vocals ranging from angelic choruses

any number of film scores, Cave will

reason I like Anywhere I Lay My Head,

to sweated out bitches laying down the

take chaos and make a melody vivid

ScarJo’s debut album of Tom Waits

business, then Napoleon comes up a

and rich with details. In a word, Dig,

covers. Well, maybe it is, but it’s only

little short. I like this album because

Lazarus, Dig!!! is a trip: one minute

half the reason.TV on the Radio’s Dave

it presents the three C’s of the early

you’re looking back on old flames

Sitek produced the album, taking Waits’

Eighties (Coke, Cash, Cooch) in power

and snuggles lost, the next you’re

once naked and unembellished work

cool synth fashion, which was thought

galloping through the Garden of Eden

and layering it with ethereal synths and

to be lost to the ages. Broken down in

with a colony of tiny vampire bats.

ambient sounds to surprising effective-

simple mathematical formula: [SX (T)

Almost as spellbinding as Cave’s but-

ness. He barely touches ScarJo’s vocals,

= R] where we allow S to be number

tery-smooth voice standing up to his

who half-sings in her signature baritone,

of synthesizers, with X being bliss felt

30+year smoking devotion is the fact

managing to sound both sultry and

by the listener. T stands for time, which

that a heartfelt ballad like “Hold on to

affecting in tracks like “Fannin Street”

Yourself” can coexist with a groin an-

(featuring backup by David Bowie), and

them like “We Call Upon the Author.”

the album’s one original single,“Song

pressed as a number of Rad-ooos. This

Nick knows what’s up; I’m sure he’s

for Jo.” She even pulls off “I Don’t Want

album achieves 8224768 Rad-ooos,

on a first name basis with every angel,

to Grow Up,” a song already tackled by

compared to the historic theremin solo

demon, goddess, and goblin that

The Ramones.The tracks are so well

of 1932 which only achieves 987 Rad-

oozes out from beneath his jet-black

adapted and ScarJo is so ridiculously

ooos. So cut some lines, fire up all the

pompadour and onto this album.

hot (you just have to close your eyes),

ponies in your DMC-12 and grab a clone

★★★★✩

that you forget she can, well, only sort of

of Raquel Welch (who should be only 23

–Jules Moore

sing. But more importantly, the lady’s got

for all of time), because where Stainless

cohones to pull off this material, and that

Style is going you don’t need any roads.

deserves more praise than her cha-chas.

★★★★✩

★★★✩✩ –Nojan Aminosharei

–Dr. Ian Super

TO

ONE

A-Trak When A-Trak was 15 he became the youngest DMC Champ ever and made the jaw of every bedroom DJ in the world drop with his routines. He then went on to become Kanye West’s DJ and made every single teenage girl in the world sing along with glee by playing “All Falls Down.” Now 26, ATrak has started playing dance music that causes the asses of bedroom DJs, teenage girls and everyone in between to shake in unison. Last year he founded the Fool’s Gold label that is responsible for the likes of Kid Cudi, Kid Sister, Jokers of the Scene, Sammy Bananas, Kavinsky, LA Riots and an A-Trak solo album that’s rumoured to be dropping soon. Basically, A-Trak is a chronic underachiever and should really step up his game if he hopes to make it in the music industry.

ION MAGAZINE

for our purposes will be 1982. All this equals R, the amount of Radness ex-

FIVE

45

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46

Ace in the Hole Words Sam Kerr Photography Jennifer Peyton Blake Alexander stands on the 18th tee at Rupert golf course. It is a par three, so he eyes the green and checks the flagstick to determine the speed of the wind. Blake draws his club back slowly, then snaps it forward; coming down onto the ball to increase loft.

“That’s goin’ right at it,” says Peter.

The ball lands softly on the green, five yards from the hole. It bounces twice, and rolls slowly to the right, coming to a stop thee yards beyond the cup. Peter takes his drive, and together, the twosome walk the fairway toward the green. They finish out their putts and Peter writes the numbers down on the scorecard.

He says, “Three over for the day, Blake. Pretty damn good.”

“Yeah, I was swinging the wrenches today. Shit, I could go around again; you got time for 18 more?”

“Sorry pal, I got work. Actually, I’m surprised that you want to spend so much time out here with that Brazilian babe of yours waiting at home.”

“Sadly, she went back to Rio on Wednesday, so I got plenty of time. I’m gonna miss the hell out of her though, Brazilian girls are the best. Something about women from chauvinistic societies that just drives me crazy.”

Alone, Blake sets out on his second round of the day. On the 17th tee he digs in and eyes the green.

Blake grips the shaft tightly to counteract the moisture in the air. Wind blows from east to west, so Blake

takes aim three yards to the left of the hole. He breathes in and starts his slow, deliberate, backswing. His wrists open, he exhales and swings the club forward, striking the ball well. It carries through the air, moving left to right, following the path of his natural fade. He watches the ball intently, holding the club out in front of his left shoulder. It is a good shot. The ball strikes the pin six inches from the ground and drops directly into the cup for a slam dunk hole in one. Blake drops his club onto the ground, raises his arms skyward, and runs around like a madman looking for someone to hug. But there is no one there.

Blake finishes his round with a respectable score and walks into

the clubhouse. He asks the attendant for the logbook, so that he can add his name to the records of people who have hit a hole in one. He is refused. Club policy states that a hole in one must have a witness for a hole in one to be official. Blake was alone.

Dejected, Blake drives home, eager to go online and tell whoever will listen about his triumph on the 17th hole. He sits down at his desk and fires up his instant messaging program. Peter is online. He types, “Pete, I had an ace! Seventeenth hole. Dunked it!”

Peter responds, “Did anyone see it?”

Blake types, “No.” Peter types, “Sorry pal, doesn’t

count if nobody saw it.”

Blake is dumbstruck. He sits silent, staring blankly at the computer screen. A moment later, he gets another message. It is the Brazilian.

She types, “Blake, I have something to tell you.”

Still stunned, Blake takes a moment, then types, “What is it babe?”

She types, “I’m pregnant.”

Blake’s jaw drops. He types, “What! How? You were on birth control.”

She types, “I don’t know what happened. One in a million shot I guess. Blake, I have to keep it, I’m Catholic and abortion is illegal in my country. What are we going to do?”

HOROSCOPES: Dave Shumka TAURUS Happy birthday Taurus. I know you’re getting on in years, but 60 is the new 50, and they say life begins at 50… especially the worst part. If you’re lucky, you might develop rich people’s problems: tennis elbow, lobster jaw, diarrhea of the wallet. But it’s far more likely you’ll develop osteoporosis, persistent moaning, and abusive children. It doesn’t have to be that way. Just follow these seven easy steps: eat right, exercise, don’t fall down the stairs, don’t slip in the tub, avoid home invasions, keep up with diaper trends, and try not to die in your sleep.

GEMINI Hey Gemini. This month, get some new glasses. Geminis have round faces, so go with a square frame in a bold colour. Show the UPS guy how bold you are. UPS guys eat that up. Also, go commando, but do laundry everyday because commando is disgusting.

CANCER It’s never too soon to start organizing this year’s Secret Santas. In fact, nobody in the office would suspect a thing. Load up the fax machine with potato salad, and then Boom! Christmas cheer all over their big fat accountant faces. (Note: I don’t know how fax machines work. I’m an astrologer.)

LEO This month it’s important to focus on your finances. Remember when I convinced you to invest in that company that makes novelty vampire teeth for dogs? Sorry about that. I heard you settled out of court. So many unnecessary chokings.

LIBRA What better way to reinvent yourself this month than with a new nickname? Here are some that suit you: Kid Dynamite, Tylenol Tre, Asian Sally Field, Vitamin Abstinence, JPeg Greg, Baby Grampa, Dippin’ Dots, Valerie, and

SCORPIO It’s about time you followed through on that time machine you started. How else are you going to talk yourself out of that tattoo? I realize it was henna, but it was traaaaagic!

SAGITARIUS You’ve been hanging around with the wrong crowd: venomous cobras. I know, I know, they’re so passionate and they really get you, but admit it: they bite you all the time. Put your foot down and let them know this ‘two for flinching’ rule doesn’t fly with you.

CAPRICORN It’s time we both admitted… you don’t look good in hats. Oh, don’t act surprised. Yes, all hats. Even that one. Especially that one, actually. Some people just aren’t hat people, don’t cry about it. Hat people are the worst. You dodged a bullet.

AQUARIUS It’s time to start that ABBA tribute band you were thinking of. Why should Björn Again have all the success? There are plenty of other good names: Natural Björn Killers, Björn into Brothels, the Björn Ultimatum. You’re welcome.

nd-up comedian “Dave Shumka is a sta ver. His and writer in Vancou Podcasting weekly podcast, Stop

by Graham Yourself, is co-hosted on iTunes. ” Clark and available f.blogspot.com stoppodcastingyoursel

PISCES This month, why not try out the exciting new sport of mixed martial arts? Hey, you have a life outside this house. Maybe mix Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with Shaq Fu. That’s like mixing business with pleasure. While you’re at it, take a few minutes and learn computers.

ARIES This month, don’t get your hopes up. If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I could probably swing some non-stop pop, and you can help yourself to our sundae bar.

ION MAGAZINE

VIRGO Hey Virgo, now that Taurus has gone to live with the angels, I need you to be extra strong for your little brother. No more tears.

Here’s 20 dollars. Take him to the renaissance fair and take your mind off of things. Bring me back an Orange Julius and a receipt.

Thunder Thighs. In fact, we’ve been calling you Thunder Thighs behind your back for the last few months.

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS

HOROSCOPES

COMICS

ION MAGAZINE

48

www.qwantz.com

DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH 足