Ion Magazine issue 49 featuring Dandi Wind

Vol Vol 66 Issue Issue 49 49 • FREE

Uh Huh Her Black Metal Photography Tara McPherson DOES IT OFFEND YOU, YEAH?

POOLTRADESHOW August 25–27 | Las Vegas, NV | www.pooltradeshow.com C5 Entrance of Central Hall — Las Vegas Convention Center

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TABLE OF CONTENTS 10 Editor’s Letter We love it when you download our magazine for free and enjoy. We can only assume that music labels feel the same way.

14 Of the Month Movies about Ian Curtis and Bob Dylan, deceased cats and deceased rock star sneaks.

22 Of the Minute Stop us if you’ve heard this one. So some models styled like Lou Reed, David Bowie and Iggy Pop all walk into a fashion shoot and…

46 Tales of Ordinary Madness If you were wondering, Sam consults this magazine’s masthead to help come up with the characters’ names for his stories.

47 Horoscopes Don’t be fooled by astrologists who run ads offering a full reading “with release.” They’re prostitutes. Read what James Bull has to say instead.

He’s the real deal.

48 Comics

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Culture 16 Tara McPherson Every metal fan’s wet dream.

18 Norwegian Black Metal Photography Same as above.

FASHION 24 Mod Fashion Blowing Up like the Antonioni film Blow Up. 26 Wild is the Wind Dandi Wind. The spazztastic 90-pound beast caught on camera by Fiona Garden, for your enjoyment.

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MUSIC 34 38

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Does it Offend You, Yeah? Annoying band name, huh?

Uh Huh Her Don’t care what fans of Secret Diary Of A Call Girl say, The L Word is the best softcore on Showcase.

Great albums with Horrible Art About 2/3 into the introductory paragraph of this article is where you can find this month’s Hot Chip diss.

Poster Art: Adam Swinbourne The Swinbourne supremacy.

Album Reviews Disregard the Editor’s Letter this month and buy these terrific albums.

Five to One: Drop the Lime Arguably a crappier name than Does it Offend You,Yeah?.

ION Magazine Publisher Editor in Chief Fashion Editor Film Editor Music Editor Editorial Interns Copy Editor

Volume 6 Number 4 Issue 49 Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Patricia Matos Steven Evans

Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Art Director Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Designers Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca

Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Designer Dept. Intern Aina Kawamoto Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca Office Intern Vanessa Weste

Writers: Nojan Aminosharei, Dave Von Bentley, Chad R Buccholz, James Bull, Gloria Chik, Devon Cody, Amanda Farrell, Stefana Fratila, Patricia Matos, Jules Moore, Clayton Pierrot, Dr. Ian Super Photographers and Artists: Leila Bani, Tania Becker, Caitlin Callahan, Todd M Duym, Nicole Gurney, Jon Hennessey, Kris Krug, Cailyn Murray, Shiva Shabani

ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 feedback@ionmagazine.ca

ionmagazine.ca

Cover Credits:

Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Leila Bani at THEYrep.com Make-up: Caitlin Callahan using MAC for NOBASURA Hair: Astin Mak at Moods Hair Salon Model: Dandi Wind Hat by Elsa Corsi for Evan & Dean Dress by Lanvin from Leone

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

The Day the Music Died Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

ION MAGAZINE

“The album’s not out for another month,” said the man at the label. “But if you’d really like to hear it before you interview them, what you can do is come out to my office in the sticks and I’ll let you listen to it in my office while I sit there.” I pondered this for all of 30 seconds and then went to Piratebay.org and had the album in eight minutes.

I’ve got three iPods, two laptops and a 200 gigabyte portable hard drive all filled with music that I haven’t paid for.This music isn’t for personal enjoyment either. If someone asks me for an album I’ll gladly make a copy of it and throw in the rest of the artist’s discography as well. I’m choosing not to participate in the “Is it or isn’t it stealing?” ethics debate and will continue to take whatever I want for free. I’m cheap, lazy, and I like music. What else do you propose I do? For the record, I get my lunch everyday from free samples at Costco and I’d siphon the gas out of your car if I didn’t think I’d get caught.

Labels are onto me. For a few years we’ve been getting these ominous promo CDs in the mail.

These discs are watermarked with a serial number

that can be traced back to you should label net detectives come across it online.“As if it’s someone’s job to sit around and individually watermark CDs for every single media outlet. That’s ridiculous,” I scoffed. “Surely labels have better places they could be allocating their resources to.”

I was wrong. Last year, I received an album by EL-P where a voice periodically chimed,“This promo belongs to Michael Mann.” This is just one example of the gross inefficiencies plaguing major labels today (minor footnote - the guy who leaked his personalized copy of EL-P’s album online was briefly ‘internet famous’).

I realize my freelove approach to filesharing is not without consequence. I was walking past another CD store having a going-out-of-business sale just the other day. Over the years I’ve watched the music sections in record stores gradually shrink while DVD and Electronics sections take over the building. Remember when two big box record stores could peacefully coexist next to one another? Labels are hemorrhaging money; the places they sell their product are closing and

a lot of the music magazines that promote their releases are folding. If this were a boxing match, Burgess Meredith would be screaming “Down!

Down! Stay Down!”

Despite all the doom and gloom predictions that there will be no more music if people keep filesharing, I will let you in on a little secret. Music, the industry, may be in the toilet, but music, the stuff that comes out of speakers, is doing just fine and will continue to do fine even if all the major labels go bankrupt. The quality of music you listen to online or a friend tells you about in an MSN chat window is getting better by the day. Who needs to waste their time sifting through 7” record bins, listening to the radio or watching music television anymore?

These are exciting times for music as young bands from the other side of the world are able to pack large clubs with only a five-song ep to their name (that no one in the venue purchased). So don’t stop downloading no matter what anyone tells you.

It may be bad for business but it’s good for music. If I’m wrong, I’m terribly sorry that I helped kill music and I’m sure someone will sue me.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

DeVille

ION MAGAZINE 10

Who wants to win a DeVille? Not the Cadillac you fool! But how about a t-shirt from the alcohol induced designed clothing line by Miami Ink’s Ami James and Chris Nunez. James and Nunez got bored of tattooing beach babes and started tattooing t-shirts. So if you’re too much of a chicken to get a real tattoo, go out and get some DeVille apparel.

To enter, go to ionmagazine.ca

Hair: Chenoa at Bangtown

Photography Nicole Gurney - gurneyphoto.com Styling Cailyn Murray Model Denny at Bangtown Saloon

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 12

dvd control Based on Deborah Curtis’s autobiography Touching from a Distance, Control is the tragic story of Joy Division’s lead singer Ian Curtis.

Sam Riley does an incredible job portraying the troubled singer and an equally impressive job performing the man’s music. Samantha Morton plays his wife Deborah and is a sympathetic reminder to never date a musician. Ever. Control is directed by music video master Anton Corbijn, who actually shot the band in the Seventies and directed the video for “Atmosphere” in the Eighties. This film is beautiful to look at and listen to. It’ll make you realize what an incredible body of work Joy Division was able to release before Curtis killed himself at the age of 23. And if you’re over 23 it’ll make you feel like you’ve accomplished nothing.

DVD Shop shoes I’m Not THere F as In Frank Converse music series How great a year for American Whistler offers few shops outside of films was 2007? There was Paul Thomas Anderson’s There Will Be Blood, the Coen Brothers’ No Country for Old Men and this one, Todd Haynes’ I’m Not There. It features six actors all playing Bob Dylan at various points in his life, both real and imagined. We dare you to not grin like an idiot every time Cate Blanchett is onscreen playing electric-era Dylan. As enjoyable as it is self-indulgent, I’m Not There is a real treat for fans of Dylan, as well as for people who know nothing of the man. The soundtrack, which features 34 excellent Dylan covers by artists like Sonic Youth, Karen O, Sufjan Stevens, Cat Power and Stephen Malkmus, gets an A+ as well.

what you’d find in your typical mall.

That’s about to change with the recent opening of F as in Frank.

Run by brothers Drew and Jess Heifetz, who bring their strong eye from a lifetime of experience in the vintage clothing trade, F as in Frank is a true destination shop in the Village that offers an eclectic mix of Eighties and Nineties surf, skateboard, snowboard and hip-hop fashion. Now when you’re getting drunk and hooking up with an Aussie, you can look stylish while doing so. Keep your eyes peeled for stores in Vancouver and Toronto which will be opening soon.

4360 Main St. Unit 106 in the bottom of the Alpenglow Hotel in Whistler Village

For 100 years Converse has been making great looking and affordable shoes. To commemorate a century of being in business, Converse is releasing a series of shoes this fall that pay tribute to Kurt Cobain and The Grateful Dead. Further collabs with Black Sabbath and The Doors will follow shortly thereafter. The Cobains will feature Chuck Taylors and One Stars with scribbles taken from the man’s journal. The Grateful Dead series shoes will be decorated with those cute little psychedelic bears that you found on all the good blotted LSD back in the day or in the case of the Skull/Roses seen above, the iconic deadhead art of Alton Kelley. Whatever you do, don’t lick these shoes.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14

Game Gta iv Grand Theft Auto IV is an indie game you’ve never head of released by a small company named Rockstar. In it, you play Niko Bellic, a Russian who recently immigrated to Liberty City to work as a gypsy cab driver for his cousin. Cruise around this massive interactive environment stealing anything and killing anyone. You can also have sex with hookers, get lapdances from strippers and kill police officers whenever you feel like it.

If you get bored with aimlessly wandering around, there are a variety of missions for you to complete that help you become the crime boss of Liberty City. Let’s hope word gets out about this great little game and we get a fifth one.

Pet Contributor Contributor jack the cat dave VON Nojan Bentley AMINOSHAREI Honourary ION staff member Anna Bonthoux recently had to put down her cat. Here’s a little tribute she wrote for him.

“Jack the Cat bitch slapped me once. He squared up his kitty shoulders, bolted across my bed and popped me one, right in the mouth, with his paw.

It shut me up quick and I instantly felt like an idiot for mimicking his hungry meow when I was too lazy to get out of bed and feed him. Jack the Cat was sent to Rock ‘n’ Roll Kitty Heaven shortly after the vet confirmed that his “hairball” was in fact Feline Cardiomyopothy.

A pop can’s worth of fluid was drained from his little kitty lungs and he was sent home with mad meds. Four days later Jack looked like Amy Winehouse on tour with Pete Doherty. Jack will be forever missed. A cuddler, a confidente and a bitch slapping bad ass. RIP Lil’ Buddy.”

Send pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca to have your pet immortalized/eulogized in print.

Dave Von Bentley is a young scribe from Vancouver. He knows more about Black Metal than anyone in this city so he was the perfect person to interview Peter Beste about his kickass coffee table book True Norwegian Black Metal. Unfortunately, Beste flaked out on the interview twice. Adding insult to injury, during the second attempt to get hold of the elusive photographer, someone answered the phone and screamed “There’s no Peter here!

Suck my dick!” Young Bentley was not discouraged though. He came into the office to make an unprecedented third attempt to get Beste on the phone and was successful. This is the only time Bentley will get to write about something he actually enjoys for this magazine.

The following is an excerpt from a letter of recommendation that helped get Nojan accepted to both NYU and Columbia.

He is a giver in a world of takers, a man walking upright among troglodytes, a double Golden Graham in a bowl of singles. In an industry staffed with slovenly young men who let their lives careen off track with a low level of cleanliness and devotion to social graces, Nojan has outstanding hygiene and has consistently impressed the higher-ups of this company with his polite demeanor and perfect manners. We should all be so lucky to have known him along his ascending path, and anyone who meets him will assuredly make all attempts to hand him a proverbial glass of Gatorade as he easily glides past the other runners in this marathon we call life.

Good luck young man.

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 16

Metal FaceS

Tara McPherson Words Patricia Matos

The picture’s exterior seems soft, but get closer and you’ll see the cotton-candy sweet image in layers of lonely hearts, otherworldly creatures and a poisonous innocence that belies its “pretty” appearance. Tara McPherson’s characters know something you don’t and they could kick your ass then bake you cupcakes afterwards.

If you’ve happened upon anything regarding Brooklyn-based McPherson before, you’ll know about her foray into astronomy during college, seen her Vertigo comics illustrations, noticed a couple of prints in Ellen Page’s bedroom in Juno, or maybe you stole one of her eye-catching rock posters from the wall of a show you were at.

In New York by way of L.A., McPherson divulges, “It’s all a little bit of myself in there in some instances. It’s my observations of other people. Or sometimes things that happen to me, or just funny ideas that I think would work well for an image in particular.” She continues, “If it’s supposed to be fun and happy, then I’ll just think of a really goofy, saccharine-sweet image, or I’ll want it to be darker. It all depends on what concept I’m going for. But it’s always a little bit of me; it’s coming out of my head.”

Artists like McPherson are lucky to be given the kind of freedom to work so independently, but she has earned it. “I get to decide the concept and what I want to do. Most people are pretty confident when I get to do something.

The only time when I would send sketches would be if it was a commissioned tour poster.

Then I would probably send them sketches just to say, ‘Hey, this is what I’m thinking about.

What do you think?’ But if it’s for a friend’s band and I’m going through them or the venue, then no, I just do what I want.”

And she’s doing it in a field that is predominantly occupied by males. McPherson has been doing this for upwards of seven years and

the thought of a divide doesn’t even cross her mind. “I just create what I create, and what’s kind of personal. I love being a female force in the poster world, but it’s not a daily thought of mine that I’m a woman making these. But being one of the better-known female artists, I love that I can hopefully be of inspiration to younger artists.”

McPherson has an enviable resume of artistic endeavours. “Everything I’ve wanted to try I’ve gotten to do,” she says. “If you’d asked me [if I was creatively content] a little while ago it probably would have been like me saying that I wanted to do more vinyl figures. [But] right now? I’m just really excited to be working on my second book.”

Her first was a collection of both rock posters and fine art prints, while her second—likely to see a 2009 street date—focuses more strongly on her art image by image. “I’m using that [old one] as a base. I think it’ll be a little more streamlined as far as one image per page, and maybe a little more detailed information.”

A busy woman, of course, but with her continuously burgeoning presence there are some opportunities she has had to turn down.

“There’s been things that have been really cool that I’ve been offered and stuff that I would have really enjoyed doing, but with timing I just can’t physically do it,” McPherson explains.

“Right now I’m kind of going through that because now I’ve got to start back on this comic and all this other stuff comes up and I have to say no to it because I have my priority and I’ve already committed to that. And that’s going to take me the rest of this year to finish. So I’m going to be saying no to a lot of things.”

The welcomingly time consuming comic McPherson mentions is a painted comic written by Steven T. Seagle and produced by Vertigo, a DC Comics imprint that produces edgier titles. “I’m really excited about that…. My edi-

tor asked me, ‘Who do you want to work with?’

And I was like, ‘I really like Steven T. Seagle.’ So that worked out nice.”

Okay, so another book, a comic on the go, more posters—and she’s not even close to being creatively satiated. “I’ve designed a whole set of 13 [vinyl] figures that are not going to come out for another year.”

McPherson’s no-bull, but in a really inoffensive and friendly way. And it’s this kind of assertive stance that seems to keep her interests in check. I ask if she would even consider doing posters for a band that she didn’t like, and without hesitation she replies, “Straight from the get-go I’ll just be like, ‘No.’” One thing that is immediately noticeable about McPherson’s work is that despite the recurring themes of heart-shaped chest cutouts, astronomy and mysteriously knowing looks, her art is never shocking. A person is more likely drawn in by it, becoming fixated on the emotion her details provide. The images are comforting and a little familiar.

“I love that each person has their own interpretation of what I create and what I do. Sometimes that opens up a whole new thing,” she explains. McPherson recently had a showing at the Johnathan LeVine Gallery in New York where some of her larger prints went for several thousand dollars. Not bad for a punk rock chick from California who built her success on rock posters. “I’ve gotten to work with some really great, great bands and do posters for them, and that will continue. It keeps me sane.”

Fearlessly rolling the dice on new artistic ventures, McPherson’s self-described cathartic creative process will surely propel her into further success and her viewers into a continuous state of suspended visual therapy. There’s no reason why it shouldn’t, and I swear to God, if I had her artistic chops, I’d be asking $10,000 a print too.

ION MAGAZINE 17

: From Hell To Reality

Peter Beste’s True Norwegian Words: Dave Von Bentley On April 8, 1991, Per Yngve Ohlin, aka Dead, lead singer of the Norwegian Black Metal band Mayhem, killed himself. In his suicide note he apparently apologized for using a shotgun indoors. When his roommate/bandmate Øystein Aarseth, aka Euronymous, found him he didn’t call the police. Instead his morbid fascination with death took over.

He went out and bought a disposable camera to take pictures of the gruesome scene (one of which would end up on the cover of a Mayhem bootleg album called Dawn of the Black Hearts). In fact, he posed Dead’s body in several positions for photos. But that isn’t the shocking part. What happened during the time between finding Dead’s corpse and calling the police is not truly known, only rumoured. Some people have said that Euronymous gathered up pieces of Per Yngve Ohlin’s brain and cooked it in a stew. That has been disputed many times, but the rumour persists even to this day. What is known for sure is that Øystein Aarseth gathered up fragments of Per Yngve Ohlin skull and made a necklace out of them. This was only the beginning of the madness...

In the two years after Per Yngve Ohlin‘s suicide, Øystein Aarseth would be murdered by fellow Black Metal musician Varg Vikernes of Burzum and over 50 churches would be burned down in Norway, all of which were

connected to the Black Metal scene in some way. Theistic Satanism, century old churches burnt to ashes, murder and cannibalism are now a part of the folklore of the Black Metal genre.

The impression one can get from these facts is one of sinister monsters hellbent to rape, torture and murder. But really this was a youth movement that went totally awry and spun out of control. And for the first time, a man has documented this scene for its reality, showing the human side of people who were incredibly secretive and truly misunderstood in the years since those events. Peter Beste’s newly published book, True Norwegian Black Metal is a visual feast worthy of Satan. It’s 208 pages of photographs, essays, timelines and articles all focus on the Black Metal scene in Norway.

“In the book, me and the editor are real critical of the bands at times. It’s not all ‘look how great these guys are.’ We show them at their vulnerable side, fantasy versus reality, or dream versus reality. It’s honest at least. I tried to make it as honest as possible.” Beste tells me from the hallway outside his friend’s apartment in New York. And that’s the great thing about this book. It’s a true, honest perspective of the corpse make-up wearing musicians. It shows you who they really are and what they want to be. “There is a big fantasy

“I believe there is a real cultural significance to . With the way these guys look, with the landscape of Norway, it was a subject begging to be photographed”

much. You know sometimes I photograph them in their natural habitat. Like an example is Samoth [of the band Emperor] playing with his daughter in a field. I do like those photos a lot but I had to be careful not to demystify them too much, so that’s why I like to balance one of those photos with something more Necro and typically black metal.”

The bands are not the only thing showcased in this book. The countryside of Norway is featured prominently with its beautiful landscapes and inspiring dark backdrops. “I’m really attached to the country. It’s beautiful and clean you know, it only has 4.5 million people there.

There is practically zero poverty and people are trustworthy. A woman can leave her purse out in a restaurant to go to the bathroom and come back with it still where she left it. I mean, I live in New York and that’s just not a reality here. It’s kind of a picture of utopia in many ways, with the exception of the cold and the darkness, which would get quite old very quick for me.” Most of the musicians come from the countryside, as Beste explains, “The cities aren’t very big and the country is just right outside of them. And for the most part these guys, except for a few of them who live in Oslo, are actually country kids”.

True Norwegian Black Metal also features an essay written by Slayer magazine creator/editor Jon ‘Metalion’ Kristiansen that is a wonderful, humanizing summary of the beginnings of the Norwegian Black Metal scene. “He was friends with all of these guys from back in the day. He is a Black Metal OG,” Beste says with much admiration for the man. Taking an insider’s perspective, Metalion’s views are far different from the sensational North American press’ way of summarizing the lives and deaths of these young men. They were his friends and they connected on a level that a regular journalist could never have done. It’s an eye opening look into who these people really were.

This isn’t a book just for hardcore Black Metal fans. Every picture tells a story and gives you insight into a significant youth sub-culture that has a sordid past. Black Metal continues to grow at an impressive rate and has become Norway’s number one musical export. This is the first visual documentation of the fantasy, preparation and reality of these characters’ lives done in a professional way. True Norwegian Black Metal must be seen to be believed and is significant for a musical scene that has always been so guarded. “I believe there is a real cultural significance to Black Metal. With the way these guys look, with the landscape of Norway, it was a subject begging to be photographed.” And for the first time, it has been done right.

True Norwegian Black Metal is out now.

ION MAGAZINE 21

CULTURE

FASHION

FILM

MUSIC

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22

TRANSFORMERS Photography Fiona Garden Styling Leila Bani at THEYrep.com Art Direction The Cream

On Iggy Grey jeans with zippers by Superfine from Gravity Pope Tailored Goods. Converse by John Varvatos shoes from Eugene Choo. On Lou Leather jacket by Corpus from Holt Renfrew. Striped top

by Paul Smith and Adidas by Stella McCartney pants both from Gravity Pope Tailored Goods. Hat from Value Village. Aviator sunglasses by Tom Ford from Holt Renfrew. Boots by MOMA from Gravity Pope. On Bowie Shirt by Paul Smith Black and skinny leather tie by Fred Perry both from Gravity Pope Tailored Goods. Wool pants and blazer both by A.P.C. from Eugene Choo. Vest by Chloe Sevigny for Opening Ceremony from Holt Renfrew. Patent shoes by MOMA from Gravity Pope.

Make-Up Jon Hennessey for NOBASURA.com Hair Tania Becker - Liz Bell Agency / Moods Salon Model Monica @ Richard’s / Margot & Brandie @ Liz Bell Agency

ION MAGAZINE 23

CULTURE FASHION

FILM ION MAGAZINE 24

Today’s fashion environment is subject to severe trend recycling and the re-launching of eras that we have already lived.

Bellbottoms made a vicious comeback, skinny jeans became an insufferable epidemic and now fashions seasoned with mod style have started to emerge in many brands.

Stemming from the word modernist, mod depicts a lifestyle of fun and radiance that flourished in late-Sixties “Swinging London.” For the girls, mod means flattering A-line shapes, straight skirts and fabulous patterned and structured jackets to be flaunted. For the men it translates into easy-to-wear Harrington jackets, clean tailored clothing and an overall crisp presentation. What makes mod wearable is its versatility, as it can be mixed and matched effortlessly with other items in your closet.

This surge of mod-inspired clothing can be found in esteemed brands such as Ben Sherman, Duck and Cover, Nick & Mo, Mellinda-Mae Harlingten and Matinique. Each brand respectively provides its own spin

on mod style. For Ben Sherman it’s simply going back to its roots—the brand was born in 1963 and has specialized in producing essential and iconic button-down shirts for men. This season Ben Sherman salutes 45 years of British music and style. Revisting five decades of inspiration, three distinctive Ben Sherman looks are contemporized: The Original Brighton Mod, Punk with a Ska twist and Britpop.

If it’s casual comfort and wearability you’re after, check out Duck and Cover or Nick & Mo. For boys, Duck and Cover showcases a more relaxed look with a twist by playing with unique angles and wide hoods. For girls, they have formed feminine ruffled shirts with structure. Nick & Mo has mod covered with playful patterns and cropped jackets with big buttons and rounded collars. These jackets are sure to be a choice piece for in-between seasons.

Reinventing is the key for Mellinda-Mae Harlingten, as she adopts trends from the past and reinvents them for the present, with high-waisted pants and hooded

capes. Pulling mod styling and current fashion together, Harlingten uses luxury fabrics such as wool, silk, chiffon, and sequins to help renew her take on mod.

“As an individual, I’m inspired by my environment—reminiscent of nature, music,culture, movement and spirituality.

I draw upon a lot of diverse things when I’m designing. Art and culture are the two dominant ones which come to mind.

I also really enjoy pulling inspiration from different eras,” says Harlingten.

Matinique covers mod in a subtle manner with fine tailored clothing that’s appropriate for work. Bursts of vibrant colour— green, yellow, and soft reds—and simple patterns—stripes and checkered—paint their summer ’08 collection mod for the understated male trendster. Their Blue & Black label for autumn ‘08 will offer a sharp array of clothing and accessories, screaming mod in tone and attitude. The collection has pieces that pop with bright colours and muted layering that could be a staple of any man’s wardrobe.

Styling Assistance: Cailyn Murray Hair/Make-Up: Caitlin Callahan using MAC for NOBASURA.com Models: Cam Dales & Dani Brown

MUSIC Photography SURA.com Todd M Duym NOBA Styling SURA.com Shiva Shabani NOBA Words Gloria Chik

ION MAGAZINE 25

Styling by Leila Bani at THEYrep.com

Photography by Fiona Garden at Nobasura.com

Wild Wind Make-Up: Caitlin Callahan using MAC at NOBASURA Hair: Astin Mak at Moods Hair Salon Fashion Assistants: Michelle Ford and Leah Gudmundson Shot on location at East Van Studios www.bradgough.ca

is the

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC

SURPRISINGLY INOFFENSIVE

Does It Offend YOu, Yeah?

Words Clayton Pierrot Photography Fiona Garden

ION MAGAZINE 34

Most bands sound like the sex-stained sheets after Band X and Band Y’s torrid one-night stand. British band Does It Offend You, Yeah? is not an exception to this general rule, but having eaten cheeseburgers with the band one feels a little bad saying so.

Their debut LP You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into and their tightly-wound live show of electro-riff-rock have prompted the usual orgasmic blurbs from the NME, a heavy dissing from Pitchfork, and the title of Band To Watch in numerous other publications.

We’re standing in the street where The Offenders are taking part in the fastest photo shoot of their lives and making Lord of the Rings jokes. They look suitably uncomfortable, coming off a set at Coachella and numerous other shows running up the West Coast. “The fastest shoots usually turn out the best pictures, don’t they?” asks Dan Coop, of synths, as they look at the results. Consensus is reached, and in support of this, bassist James Rushent describes a painful session with a German photographer. “’Hmm…maybe try…jumping,’” he says, rubbing his chin,“like that’s a new idea.” Morgan Quaintance (vocals/synths/guitar) explains that he is a bit nervous about the size of the club, Richard’s on Richards. This being their first time in Canada, he would rather be playing intimate shows.

These lads have been called “provocateurs” in the media, presumably because their name seems to promise a pretentious attempt at electro anarchy.

Their name’s actually a hastily chosen Ricky Gervais

quip from The Office and Does It Offend You, Yeah? are really just typical young men, but nicer and with a lot of media attention.They like comic books (“not capes and tights comics”), and noted the relaxed Vancouver atmosphere while bemoaning the cold.

Later, in the restaurant, we all discuss Stargate and how you can deface a Canadian five-dollar bill to look like Leonard Nimoy. Rushent and Quaintance start a heated discussion about whether or not London is the centre of England’s musical universe and take it to the street.This leaves myself and Coop. We hang around for a bit until Coop realizes he might need to be on stage in five minutes.

To be sure, Does It Offend You, Yeah? did not offend. They climbed on stage and delivered a highenergy set of crowd-pleasing rock music. As they played “Let’s Make Out,” all I could think was I hope this song gets them a lot of action. The crowd was not huge, but they were enthusiastic.

One might say Does it Offend You, Yeah? are a band of dreamers. The band themselves will probably get more “serious” soon, and whether that means serious about dancing or serious about music remains to be seen. But who knows, these are the thoughts of a man who isn’t with it. Does It Offend You,Yeah? is not for people like this.They are for people who dance in sweaty neon. Hope you’re not offended, okay?

You Have No Idea What You’re Getting Yourself Into is out now on Sony

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CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 38

THE UH WORD

UH HUH HER Words Nojan Aminosharei

When I call Camila Grey, she and her bandmate Leisha Hailey are in a van three hours outside of Atlanta. Though the little writer in my mind immediately begins to enumerate possible allusions—a mangled “mid-morning van to Georgia” reference, or maybe a couple of obscure Dixie Chicks lyrics about road trips—there’s really no need. Grey and Hailey helm the electropop duo Uh Huh Her, named after the title of a PJ Harvey album, so they need no help being compared to and, just as often, confused with other female entertainment icons.

“I don’t know why we didn’t think of this,” Grey confesses, “but we always get the question, ‘Are you a PJ Harvey tribute band?’ We absolutely respect her, but we are in no way a tribute band.”

She laughs knowingly; remarkably good humoured when faced with what is surely a far too familiar line of questioning. “She actually knows about the band name and about us, and she’s like, ‘Oh my God, I’m so sorry you guys have to say that all the time.’”

While, like Harvey, the band often sings of failed romance, their music is more electronic, less rock, more ethereal, less… angry. Again, like Harvey, the band rejects the idea that their songs are unanimously rooted in personal experience.

“A lot of it is personal, yeah, or just what we’ve observed in relationships,” Grey explains,“but a lot of it is metaphor too. We don’t mean a lot of what we sing literally. People might think it means one thing, but it really means another.” She adds, “We like to play tricks.”

The answer could be evasive if it were given by, let’s say, Gwyneth Paltrow, but for Grey and Hailey, you must excuse a little smoke and mirror. Consider that Hailey is famous for playing bisexual-cumlesbian journalist Alice Pieszecki on Showtime’s The L Word, and, to those a little longer in the tooth, for having dated k.d. lang in the 90’s. Then add the whole PJ Harvey thing, and prospective fans might pretty much make up their minds about what the band is before the first note is struck.

Wisely, though, the two navigate away from such

narrow definitions. When I ask Grey, who previously rounded off the all-male rock outfit Mellowdrone, if working with Hailey has allowed her to embrace her songs from a woman’s perspective, she’s quick to discourage the idea.“I don’t really think of it that way; I don’t bring gender into it. We were actually asked that question yesterday, and I never think, oh, I’m a woman, I’m going to write this, or oh, I’m a woman, I’m going to go do that. It’s just purely musical.”

Still, musically there remains a kismet Thelma & Louise dimension to their partnership (except, surely, one that will end a little better). The two met at a party, at a time when Hailey was itching to return to music while on the set of The L Word, and when Grey was looking to part with her Mellowdrone bandmates.“We were kind of on the outs, as far as being a band together,” she says, but then corrects herself.“Or, me being in the band, rather.”

Grey confides, “I was really wanting to do my own project for a while, and she was the catalyst to it.” Later, Hailey would tell me that she “was really waiting to meet the right person,” and she found that person when she spotted Grey across the party playing a tambourine to what is now a longforgotten song.“The rest,” as Grey says,“is history.”

Late in the interview, I ask how the team landed on their new sound. Grey, who most recently played with Melissa Auf der Maur, has also worked with the likes of Dr. Dre, Busta Rhymes, and Kelly Osbourne.

Hailey, for her part, had been on a hiatus from music since her former folk-pop band The Murmurs parted ways when she began filming The L Word.

“Do you want to ask her about it?” Grey asks, as she passes their phone behind her. “She was napping.”

Punch any actress’ name into Google, and you’ll invariably come across second-hand accounts of her being supernaturally pleasant with someone’s mom at a restaurant, or cold and curt to another’s best friend at a signing. Hailey is, of course, no exception, which makes me wonder if I’ve awoken Sleeping Beauty, or stirred the beast.

“No, no, I’m good,” she responds when I apologize for waking her. “I should be awake, you know what I mean? It is daytime after all! It’s all good.”

She is, to my relief, impossibly chipper for someone just awoken. I’ve been awake for half an hour, and it still sounds like a sedated Kermit the Frog is conducting the interview.

“Honestly, I’d never planned on coming back to music. Acting is always what I intended on doing, and it’s what I studied,” she tells me. “So it all kind of went backwards for me. I started off with this musical career, and then I began the show, and I ended up missing music really badly, which I was sort of shocked by, so I gave it some time—about five years—and got to the point where I missed it enough to start it back up again.”

Together with Grey, she’s found a new direction that she’s excited about. “By no means did I want to do the same thing anyway. It was fun for me to do something completely different.”

Hailey assures me that it doesn’t frustrate her that people focus on her role on The L Word when she’s trying to begin a new chapter with Uh Huh Her.“I’m so proud of my other job and I understand why people want to ask about it. I never want to disappoint anyone by not answering their questions, but I guess I want to focus on what we should be talking about.”

Next year, the band plans to tour Europe, Japan, and Australia. They had previously performed in London, where they nearly sold out Shepherd’s Bush Empire. “I feel like in Europe, especially, the excitement has been so palpable. I don’t know what it is there,” Grey wonders. “There’s a certain excitement there. People really dig the music.”

Increasingly, the band is developing a following in North America and abroad outside of L Word viewers and befuddled PJ Harvey fans.

“I hope the band can speak for itself,” says Grey.

And uh huh, it’s well on its way.

Uh Huh Her’s full-length debut, Common Reaction, is out in August.

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CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 40

IT’S WHAT’S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

GreaT ALBUMS, BAD ART

Words Trevor Risk Photography Kris Krug - staticphotography.com On a hot day, after an afternoon of drinking, I spent four dollars on an album that I had no previous experience with. My neighbourhood purveyor of vinyl lured me in off the street to show me around his new additions. He knew very well that I had a soft spot for 30- to 40-year-old European album art, and he saw my Campari sway coming from two blocks away.

Amoureuse by Veronique Sanson was displayed in my apartment for months. Those French doe eyes, that cute blue jacket and that tiny red piano were there when I woke up, and were in my dreams like Samantha Fox used to be when I was a child. After a little research it turns out Veronique isn’t nearly as attractive as the album cover led on. In addition, the album was even worse than a Hot Chip release.

Visitors always wanted me to put it on, and when I refused, I was then asked why I displayed the record. “Well, who would you rather look at, her or Elliott Smith?” Check and mate. It’s easy to find bad albums with bad album covers. It’s easy to find bad albums with good album covers. However, this is the list of the BEST albums with the worst covers. Don’t try and argue, you’ll find I’m right on every one.

The Undertones – All Wrapped Up (1985) I know that The Undertones are tongue in cheek. Nobody can expect a band that sings about Mars bars and perfect cousins to release a posthumous singles collection with a serious cover. However, this album art is disgusting. I don’t know what’s worse, the necklace of sausages, or the Miss Piggy makeup on the model? Also, was she really the best looking cover girl you could find?

Is it possible that she was the best looking girl in Ireland at the time? John Peel often said that “Teenage Kicks” is his favourite song of all time, and he used to cry when he heard it.The only track he ever played twice on his show. May he rest in peace.

The Replacements – Tim (1990) This is The Replacements’ best album, which is saying a lot because every one of their records is great and belongs in a class all its own. With that in mind, the bottom half of this cover looks like the warped version of the underworld from Hellraiser II, which wasn’t even directed by Clive Barker. Every song is a hit, from the twee heartwarming of “Kiss Me On The Bus,” to “Bastards of Young,” the theme song for a generation of Minnesotans.

George Harrison – Cloud Nine (1987) I can picture the label meeting now... “George, we’ve done some focus groups, and George Michael is very hot right now.” “Fab man, what can I do to help?” “Well, first you’ll have to grow a half beard. Oh, and we’ve laid out a selection of aviators for you to sport.” This is a classic recording, and the only reason it isn’t higher on the list is that the Gretsch Duo Jet with a Bigsby tailpiece is an awesome guitar, and he has it slung over his only right shoulder.“Got My Mind Set On You” is clearly a legendary song and “When We Was Fab” is... well.. fab.

David Bowie - Young Americans (1975) Everybody knows that every David Bowie album is good (except that early self-titled one with the Scott Walker hair and songs about making coats or something...) He says that he’s not so much of an innovator as much as his friends are just hip and they turn him on to the current cool dance

genre. Something everybody also knows is that his album covers (except Heroes) make us queasy.

Diamond Dogs (especially the original cover) is just gross. Space Oddity is way too close up. Young Americans though is just stupid and lazy. It’s like the poster to a Mickey Rourke movie. David would probably agree though, as he is pretty humble and likes to laugh at his past.

The Dandy Warhols – Welcome To The Monkey House (2003) The Dandy Warhols think they’re hot shit. They aren’t, but their music is. They are probably the most arrogant and pretentious band in America, with their idiotic pun of a name, naming their album after a Kurt Vonnegut book, and this sickening, phallic, cover art. Although not their best album (Thirteen Tales from Urban Bohemia taking that title), this record makes mouths happy with excellent coproduction from Nick Rhodes of Duran Duran (the only member who’s still attractive). Using the same imagery from The Velvet Underground and Nico is taking it too far.

The Velvet Underground and Nico – s/t (1967) What makes The Dandy Warhols’artwork even worse is that the original inspiration was lame to begin with.

Andy Warhol is a joke.I can’t wait until I’m old enough that the baby boomer bubble pops and we finally get to stop thinking that Grandma was stupid for saving her plastic bags,that we can find cheaper gas by driving around looking for it and that Andy Warhol was a genius. Also,does Pete Fowler sign Super Furry Animals covers? Nope,although he probably should, because his artwork is way better than a certain white-haired pervert. Keep in mind that this is probably one of the top seven albums of all time.

INXS – Kick (1987) This is just great. Everybody can enjoy this album. It pretty much plays like a greatest hits compilation (which exists, although it’s called The Best of). Michael Hutchence was gorgeous, the three Farriss brothers are pop music visionaries, and Garry Gary Beers has a neat superflous name, (not unlike Courtney TaylorTaylor of The Dandy Warhols). Apart from Hutchence’s sexy gaze, the rest of the cover looks like a cut-and-paste disaster. A skateboard? Really? Andrew Farriss (or Jon Farriss—I can’t tell, they look the same) looks like he’s in the fetal position trying to cope with the fact that he just blew the band’s per diem on saxophone polish. covered in glass while he stares at us with a coy look saying “Girls, I just hate myself, please have pity sex with me.” Those jeans he’s wearing are showcasing too much “Hackensack”, and the final kicker is that judging from his wind up, it’s clearly going to be a girl throw.

Tears For Fears – Songs From The Big Chair (1985) We have a winner.

The ratio of meaningful music to blushingly bad artwork on this opus is far beyond any of our earlier

competitors. Throw away this record sleeve, it will only stain the adjacent albums on your shelf. The photographer must have only taken one photo, as the stoic, pensive stares of Roland Orzabal and Curt Smith are so cheesy and creepy that it must have been a test shot. I want to know who styled this cover. It’s got bad sweaters and worse hair. Just leave this album on your turntable, and use the sleeve to soak up whatever it is that your roommate spilled in the bathroom. Listen to “Head Over Heels” as often as possible, but make certain that you never associate it with that smug movie loved by “alternative girls” Donnie Darko.

And never put yourself on your album cover if you’re really... fucking... ugly. Unless you’re Phil Collins.

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Billy Joel – Glass Houses (1980) This record has hit, after hit, after hit. “Sometimes a Fantasy” is my fave, with its telephone intro and staccato backup vocals. As we all know though, Billy Joel has self esteem issues. This is why it’s completely unnecessary to have the imagery of him trying to crush his reflection with a rock the same size as the pebble that Wheels used to threaten the molester on Degrassi. Even worse is the back cover, which assumes we didn’t get the message the first time around and is a portrait of the Jersey boy

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ADAM SWINBOURNE

POSTER ART

Got forty minutes to spend going down the internet rabbit hole? There are far worse things one can do (YouTube video game top tens anyone?) than take in the poster artistry of Adam Swinbourne. Adam’s one of the premier creators of show posters in Toronto, and why shouldn’t he be? He’s been at it longer than ION’s been in print. Adam spun us the yarn of his start.“I guess I figured maybe if I started drawing flyers for upcoming shows that I wanted to go to, it would help out the band in some way. So I found out where the offices of a local promoter was and showed them a few examples of my work. Their booker offered to get me into any show that they were promoting in exchange for a few posters that they could photocopy to promote their concerts. Gradually, I started getting paid for them too! Promoters would call me up and give me the show info, I’d draw the flyer—they usually let me draw whatever I wanted as long as it was eye-catching and the information was spelled right—and they’d pay for it on the night of the show.” Get hip to www.adamswinbourne.com instead of looking up nude shots of the actress who played the little daughter on The Nanny (first episode of Californication perverts).

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ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

The Black Angels Directions to See a Ghost Light in the Attic

THE DEATH SET WORLDWIDE OUTSIDE

Jamie Lidell Jim Warp

The Melvins Nude With Boots Ipecac

Muthafuckin’ Death Set, Worldwide.

Lidell’s follow-up to 2005’s wildly

Still fronted by King Buzzo and his

Where their debut album, Passover,

These guys sound like what I think

successful Multiply album takes the

cauliflower coif, the Melvins have

My Brightest Diamond A Thousand Shark’s Teeth Asthmatic Kitty

shamelessly pilfered the graves of

a bunch of those Vancouver bands

British soul singer and sequencing

been treading through a swamp of

Are you a hardcore opera fan? Do you

psyche bands past—particularly

from a few years ago could have

wizard in a decidedly less electronica-

punk, sludge, and heavy metal since

go to sleep at night? A Thousand Shark’s

13th Floor Elevators and Spacemen

sounded like if they spent more time

influenced direction. While both re-

1983. The good news here is that they

Teeth may bring together the baggy-eyed

3—Directions to See a Ghost gives

enjoying themselves and less time

cords showcase Lidell’s beautiful (is it

still supply one of the most cathartic

tenors and sopranos and form a giant

the sense that the Black Angels have

trying to be terrible. If I wasn’t so self-

okay to say that?) and rich voice, he’s

aggression sessions imaginable,

ball of electric violinist photographers

assembled their musical monster just

conscious I’d probably throw around

traded loops and bloops for more funk

while proving that long, brooding

who like big hair and lots of ice cream.

the way they like and are only waiting

some terms like ‘riotous,’ ‘punk,’ or

and soul grooves (the opening track,

instrumentals aren’t always about

That’s an image to dote upon when you

for lightning to strike. This could well

‘totally rad,’ and then compare them

“Another Day,” sounds like it could be

self-indulgence. The bad news is that

find yourself at a loss of things to think

be a precursor to the peak album of

to some other bands being ‘chopped

the theme song for a TV show from

a persistent lack of vocals had me

about. While you’re at it, put this record

the Black Angels’ career. The progres-

up in a blender,’ but, you know…

the late Seventies). But that’s not to

locked in a waiting room for well over

on and your wheels will really start spin-

sion is subtle at first. Part of Passover’s

Basically, the more the government

say this album is pure nostalgia; the

a smidgen. But after all is dead and

ning! Shara Worden (buddies with Sufjan

appeal was in its slightly abrasive,

holds our hand and the more the

wide-ranging musical influences (in

sung, the album is solid and could

Stevens, an Illinoisemaker) has written a

droning psychedelia. Its weakness,

corporations hold our balls and the

addition to the aforementioned funk

easily double as the soundtrack for

beautifully varied second album.The next

however, was that it lacked dynam-

farther this whole thing slides towards

and soul, touches of gospel, old-

an X-rated sequel to a Ninja Turtles

time you’re hitting on a drama teacher

ics. On Directions to See a Ghost

the edge, the better I like the idea of

school rock ‘n’ roll and even a bit of

movie. Songs like “Dies Iraea” (amaz-

(because you obviously will!), say this:

their sound has matured, taking on a

a life of unrestrained hedonic nihil-

punk and country show up) and pro-

ing poop reference),“Billy Fish,” and

“Let’s pick fruits from Shara Worden’s

moodier, more layered, and strangely

ism soundtracked by people like The

duction techniques (short loops and

the title track,“Nude With Boots,” are

grandpa’s tree!” I guarantee they will

cozy gloom. There is less rock and

Death Set.

vocoders, anyone?) keep Jim rooted

indeed the golden nuggets taking you

reply with,“Yes, let’s!” because they’ll

★★★★★

in the contemporary. While electronic

straight into the heart of your city’s

quickly catch onto your drama game ref-

music fans might lament the disap-

most luxurious sewer.

erence.They will also think you’re a creep.

to “Never/Ever” and you’ll agree that

pearance of that sound from this re-

these Texans are hitting their stride.

cord (and may be left to wonder how

★★★✩✩

★★★★✩–Devon Cody

he’ll pull the crazy vocal looping and

find the right time to tell someone about.

sequencing tricks he’s known for dur-

Anyone with me?

ing his live performances), it’s damn

★★★✩✩

more experimentation—less posturing and more real emotion. One listen

ION MAGAZINE 44

–Chad R Buccholz

near impossible to not enjoy this album. It’s great sunny day music.

★★★★✩

–Amanda Farrell

–Jules Moore

This is the soundtrack to your after-party dancing in the dark moment you never

–Stefana Fratila

Three 6 Mafia Last 2 Walk Sony

Weezer The Red Album Geffen

this album. For those who don’t know,

Tim and Eric Awesome Record, Great Songs!

Volume One Williams Street

any new Three 6 Mafia album means

Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim

exciting sixth album. And reclusive

essentially three things: 1) Bangers in

have the tall task of being the only

frontman Rivers Cuomo is letting the

the clurrrb, 2) Videos with Juicy J in

non-cartoons on Adult Swim. Luckily

other boys in the band play song-

shirts that are fresher than hand-picked

they have the “Long Legs” to make

writer, too. Cuomo has always been

Do you like Three 6 Mafia? You do! Buy

They virtually disappeared, but Weezer are back with a very secret, yet very

strawberries that grow behind a wa-

them the most beloved “Beaver Boys”

simultaneously geeky and tongue-

terfall, 3) Everybody saying “Fuck you

in America. Forty-three tracks of songs

in-cheek, and The Red Album is no

Sunny D… I want the purple stuff!” sip

from the first season of Tim and Eric

exception.“Troublemaker” is rife with

sizzzzzzzurp. One could also argue that

Awesome Show, Great Job! will make

silly rhymes that are quickly forgiven

using the lyric “Uhhnnnnn” as a musi-

you want to “Stay in School” and fill

as the familiar rush of the customary

cal device applies, but I’m not talking

your stomach with “Shrimp and White

Weezer build-up takes hold several

about Master P…. so cram it. Last 2

Wine”. Guest spots on the show and

times. They play with rap-rock on “The

Walk is my personal pick for thuggish

album include Bob Odenkirk, David

Greatest Man That Ever Lived,” but it’s

jam album of the summer. I want to

Cross and the curiously hot Maria

almost as though Brian Wilson had

hear it everywhere. The thing that Last

Bamford, however the covers from

a hand in its melodies while Cuomo

2 Walk does that sets it apart from

Aimee Mann, Built to Spill and The

was busy applying a mix tape’s worth

the saturated Dirty South genre is that

Shins (who actually have been known

of every late-Nineties musical genre

Three 6 balances the club beats with

to perform “Wipe My Butt” live) are the

to the song. Don’t let this deter you,

toughed-up lyrics, in effect pacifying

real grin-inducing gems on the disc.

though. It’s also worth mention-

the “Bitches, Ho’s and Shorty’s ” and

Half the songs are actually written

ing the swooning “Dreamin’” is this

the “Ballers, Thugs, and Hustlers.” Listen

and recorded very professionally, and

album’s “Holiday.” There are some

to “Lolli Lolli” for instance, and you will

leave the listener wondering if the

real gems on The Red Album, and

be schooled in this, at which point

entire Tim and Eric phenomenon actu-

the 16-year-old in you will get a little

ally started as a musical project.“For

excited as you revisit your teenage

your health!”!

Weezer days—admit it, you probably

blades in your drop top cutty, seriously

★★★★✩

call me and I will buy you the album.

Not seriously, but call me and we’ll talk about how our respective hustles are grinding the cash.

★★★★★

–Dr. Ian Super

–Trevor Risk

had them.

★★★✩✩

TO

ONE

DROP THE LImE Drop the Lime is also known as Curses! and can do things that most DJs cannot. DJs love watching him stagger up tracks to nearly create a new song live, and he actually sings while he works the gear. It’s all pretty impressive, and with his slick look he makes girls dance and stare without realizing that they’re dancing to the loudest, most skull rattling, tough-core techno this side of a Dutch soccer hooligan party.

When we asked him to write down his five best songs with one classic, he was super pumped and happy to do so. He wrote down the classic fifth instead of sixth not because he’s dyslexic, but because he didn’t hear properly. It’s really loud in nightclubs.

That’s why you said the wrong name in bed with that club girl. Or that’s what

–Patricia Matos

you told her at least.

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I will say,“Fool, you just got served.”

To conclude, if you like swerving on

FIVE

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46

Huub me RhondA Words Sam Kerr Photography Kris Krug “Is that the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda?” asks Michael.

“It is two in the afternoon on a Tuesday; there is no way that the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda is at the No.5 Orange,” says Danny.

“You see that guy over there?”

Michael says as he raises his arm and points at a man across the room. “The one eating beef dip and getting a massage from a stripper. The guy with no shirt on.

He looks a lot like the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda.” The shirtless man sits alone. He sloppily eats his beef dip, while the stripper works on his bare shoulders, which glimmer with a sheen of massage oil. His hairy chest is proudly exposed.

“Wait a minute, I recognize that chest. That is the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda.

We should buy him a beer,” says Danny.

Danny and Michael walk over to the bartender and buy three Stella Artois, then they approach Huub’s table. “Excuse me, are you the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda?” asks Danny.

“Are you trying make a joke?

Of course I am the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda. Did you not recognize my trademark chest?” He reaches into his pocket to retrieve some money for the stripper that is rubbing his shoulders. The massage finished, Huub grabs his fur coat from the chair beside him, and puts it on. The fur sticks to Huub’s moist skin.

“You have taken Belgian Pop and put it back where it belongs:

at the top of the music industry. I love you Huub. Can we have a beer with you?” Michael asks.

“You two want to have a beer with the Belgian Pop Superstar Huub Von Rhonda, do you? I am bigger than AIDS in Africa. They invented quantum theory to count how many records I’ve sold. I’ve had more sex than the internet…

Sit down, I will tell you about the sex.”

“Yes!” says Danny, pumping his fist and climbing into a chair.

“Yesterday I did a show in Seattle. I arrive at the stadium and some groupies spot me getting off the tour bus. I want to have an orgy, but a chain link fence separates me from the girls. I walk up

to the fence and pull out my throbbing, massive, erect penis. I call it “the Grinch.” I pull out the Grinch, slide it through one of the gaps in the chainlink fence, and a groupie walks over and puts it in her mouth.

The other groupies see what is happening and they rush over. I tell them to form a line, so they each can have a turn at the Grinch in an orderly manner. While making my way down the line, a few of the girls at the back start speaking in tongues. They were literally driven insane by the prospect of having access to my penis.” Huub gestures at his crotch with the beef dip. This move causes a piece of beef to fall from the sandwich into the cup of au jus, splashing the liquid onto

Huub’s already moist chest hair.

“So,” says Michael, “you went with the beef dip, eh? I didn’t know that people ordered the food here.”

“Whenever I do a show in Vancouver I come here for the beef dip. They have excellent beef dip.

In Belgium, you can’t get good beef dip and watch live pussy at the same time. I call this experience, cheap meat and beef dip.”

He takes a large bite of the juicy sandwich and with food in his mouth he continues, “I am a poet and that is why they love me, but really I’m just in it for the money.”

“Can I try a bite of your beef dip?” asks Danny.

HOROSCOPES: James Bull GEMINI Ike and Tina Turner, Mick Jagger and Marianne Faithful, Bob Dylan and Joan Baez, Emmylou Harris and Gram Parsons, not forgetting Rumours era Fleetwood Mac and the silky smooth guitar vocal pop duo Darryl Hall and John Oates. What does this list say to you? That’s right, sexual promiscuity is the artist’s creative lifeblood. So this week, in order to get your creative juices flowing, go out and try finding your musical sex twin. Because when these couples weren’t banging out hits, they surely were banging something, get it?

CANCER Time to make a choice Cancer—stop sitting on the fence.

It’s simple; you are either Facebook or MySpace, not both. It’s up to you, either you are into ‘social networking’ or you are into ‘late night back alley lurking.’ In fact, who are those people who have private accounts on MySpace? Stop wasting my time.

LEO Many Congratulations on your arts degree. Why not take a spin on the wheel of life and go “backpacking” around Asia; lonely planet, moon raves, ladyboys and silk. Platinum card parents with hippy sensibilities will do anything to facilitate their little flower growing up with healthy root chakras.

SCORPIO Reasons why world music is really cool: shamans, bushmen, bongo jams, The Talking Heads, Gypsies, Rastafarians, vocal chants, rain dances, hallucinogenic frogs, sitars and Paul Simon. Reasons why World Music is garbage: Tantric, raga-pop Geordies who change their name from Gordon to ‘Sting.’

SAGITTARIUS Your girlfriend broke up with you and the pain burns like a poultice of broken glass. Try moving countries, or at the very least provinces. Grow your hair out, buy some high tops and promote yourself as a cutting edge house DJ. Although the pain never quite leaves, you will have more girls than John Mayer and all the pills will mask your insecurities until you are way into your thirties.

CAPRICORN Stop eeking your way through middle management and live life to the full. Smash your Radiohead CDs and burn your cardigans.

Take some advice from fellow Capricorn, the self styled “RnB Thug” Robert Sylvester Kelly, and get hedonistic. If your 20 years in the office has taught you anything, it is that no one does anything for free. So start getting your money’s worth and take advantage of your philanthropy work with the local junior soccer team.

AQUARIUS For some time now you have known that the ‘scene’ has hit critical mass. I mean, people are still wearing neon and I am not talking about Australians. So get all Guy Debord and flip reverse it—your manifesto should read: “My scene is post-modern, it deconstructs the scene, critiquing, then creating a paradigm of change and a newly established avant-garde anti scene, which then becomes the scene again.” Just make sure you stay away from neon.

PISCES Just because you had no solid father figure, grew up in the praries and were bad at sports as a child is no excuse for becoming a Suicide Girl. There are other options Pisces, look at Buffy Sainte-Marie, or Joni Mitchell. Oh, and for the record, Juno is not real and Ellen Page is an actress. Don’t let Diablo Cody’s selfworth issues start getting crazy ideas in your head.They already spawned a terrible movie.

ARIES As the sun blazes a trail across the Pacific, it is all smooth sailing on the crystal clear waters of love for Aries. Sailing away to where the boys and girls of Thunder Island sip Malibu to the super sounds of Michael McDonald. So make love and keep the fires burning bright.

TAURUS Everyone keeps telling you, “Don’t sweat the small stuff.” But you know it is the big stuff we should be worried about. So make your plan of escape now because the cosmos is a vast expanse of chaos and murder.

Patch together the pockets of dying energy, map out a path and blast off with me into interstellar space. It is just self-preservation really.

James Bull is a self-proclaimed r. “taste maker,” based in Vancouve of He recently realized his dream landing his face on www.thecobrasnake.com, cementing his role as “King of the Scene”. When not over-enunciating everything to make himself sound more English, James can be found pretending at to DJ at any number of nights which a resident DJ has called in sick.

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VIRGO Aloha there Virgo; be careful with those tassels. The fashion gene pool is incredibly fragile and looks that appear good on paper appear disastrous on the person. Cherries, Pompadours and Poodle skirts; the Rockabilly Burlesque is a fashion mutant that would make Elvis Presley wince and cower in his rock ‘n’ roll coffin. Lets keep this kind of thing to the suburbs, eh?

LIBRA Zeitgeist, Loose Change and reptilian shape shifters. You have started to see through the cracks in the pavement ever since the realization that your life is a conspiracy and your personality an inside job. All you need now is a raw food diet, a couple of pseudo-political statements about George Bush being an asshole and you are complete. Self-awareness squeezed into skinny jeans.

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