ION Magazine issue 50

Vol 6 Issue 50 • FREE

FAILE THE TING TINGS GONZALES TASCHEN’s BIG BOOKS

Photos by: www.sevseven.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS 10 E ditor’s Letter We simultaneously encourage you to go outside and enjoy the summer while we slave away putting out a magazine in a poorly ventilated office. Aren’t we complicated?.

14 Of the Month Choose Your Own Adventure movies, games with psychic war machines, pets named after Street Fighter characters and we fucked up bad last issue....really bad.

46 Tales of Ordinary Madness Sam is in England right now and got his lip spilt open after he told the guy he was staying with that his girlfriend ruined him and he is now a shell of his former self. Sam then spent the night sleeping in a park.

47 Horoscopes Dr. Ian Super claims to be a grand shaman of mysticism but he actually has no formal training as a horoscopologist.

48 Comics

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Culture 20 T aschen’s Big Books. Putting one of these books in your bathroom is a great way to creep out your friends.

22 Faile An important distinction needs to be made between Graffiti and Street Art. People who do graffiti are vandals. People who do street art are vandals who make a lot of money.

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FASHION 28 P urple Haze This issue’s fashion editorial shot by Josh Cornell and styled by Amy Lu.

MUSIC

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36 Clinic Who are those masked men?

38 The Ting Tings With a little hard work this band has the potential to make something of themselves and score some really lucrative licensing deals.

40 Gonzales It’s tough not to call this guy kitschy when half of the album sounds like show tunes.

42 Poster Art:Fort Polio One of Toronto’s finest is more than a clever play on words.

44 Album Reviews 45 Five to One: Alan Braxe Co-producer of “Music Sounds Better With You” and a fan of The Who.

Montreal eaton Centre • Carrefour laval • toronto eaton Centre Square one • Yorkdale • ProMenade Mall • Polo Park WeSt edMonton Mall • MetrotoWn opening soon: rideau Centre • Granville luCkYBrandJeanS.CoM

ION Magazine Publisher

Volume 6 Number 6 Issue 50 Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca

Editor in Chief Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Editorial Interns Samantha Langford, Patricia Matos Copy Editor Steven Evans Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Art Director Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Designers Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca

Sanaz Afshar sanaz@ionmagazine.ca Designer Dept. Intern Aina Kawamoto Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Advertising Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca

Writers: Bix Brecht, Chad Buchholz, Joseph Delamar, Jillian Ennis, Sam Kerr, Samantha Langford, Patricia Matos, Jules Moore, Jonathan T. Orr, Clayton Pierrot, Dr. Ian Super Photographers and Artists: Amy Lu, Toby Marie Bannister, Josh Cornell, the dark, Mila Franovic, Julia Kozlov, Gordon Nicholas, Sheri Stroh

ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials. All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but it’s no substitute for the real thing.

Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Credits:

Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.com Styling: Mila Franovic Make-up: Jon Hennessey at NOBASURA Hair: Tania Becker at NOBASURA Model: Brennan & Stacey

Stacy: American Apparel bra, RVCA shirt, Roden Gray ksubi sunglasses Brennan: RVCA tshirt

ionmagazine.ca

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

endless summer Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

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Who needs an office anymore? Go to a beach and do your work there. Better yet, who needs a job when it’s summer? Go on EI for a few months.

Max out those credit cards and get a line of credit from your bank to pay it off when Visa comes calling. If your bank starts hounding you, downgrade that iPhone or BlackBerry to a beeper. Cellphones are a leash. Smartphones even more so. With that pager you’ll call people back if you damn well feel like it. Living off the grid in your hometown is almost like a vacation.

Stop wearing socks and show off those nasty feet of yours. Invest in a pair of jams and drink beer from exotic and faraway places like Mexico. It’s light and no one will shoot you a dirty look if you have one at 11 am. The same cannot be said if you bust open a delicious one-litre can of Wildcat.

Lose the car and get a bike instead. Save money and steal one. Karma’s on your side if you’ve had

at least one bike ripped off. If you see a bike locked up in the same spot for over a month, it’s fair game.

Get on that liberated bike and pedal like you’re Kevin Bacon in Quicksilver until you’ve reached the city limits. Contemplate never coming back.

Resist the urge to stay inside and watch reruns of Two and a Half Men. That’s all that’s on TV right now and summer is no time for suicidal behaviour. Go enjoy a good weekday matinee instead.

There’s lots of great movies out this summer and weekday matinees are cheaper and always empty.

Hell, summer’s a great time for a new hobby so why not get into bootlegging movies? You’ll never get caught during a weekday matinee. Be the first guy to get that cam recording online and a thousand internet nerds will write fan fiction about you as payment.

Go show off that beer gut at a nooner minor league baseball game. It doesn’t matter that base-

ball bores you to tears. Baseball bores everyone to tears. Baseball’s all about bringing people who enjoy drinking gigantic plastic cups of beer and eating hot dogs together in one place. If you’re one of those people who likes to play sports rather than watch them, take up a good summer sport like bocce… or boules for our Montreal readers.

Date a younger girl and have all her same-age guy friends resent you and call you creepy. They’re just jealous because you’ve finished high school.

She won’t care that you’re unemployed or don’t have a car so long as you have an apartment and buy all her friends liquor and smokes. End the relationship when she wants you to meet her parents.

The hateful gazes from her dad isn’t something you want to put yourself through this summer. When the inevitable break-up drama happens and ends, it’ll be September and time to come crawling back to your old boss and beg him to rehire you.

PSJHJOBMQFOHVJO DPN

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

OBEY Photography Gordon Nicholas - heathersmoker.com Styling Mila Franovic - beadedeagle.blogspot.com

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The prize this month comes courtesy of Obey. Be it portraits of Andre the Giant, Subcomandante Marcos or Barack Obama, Shepard Fairey is undeniably a legend of street art. Shep’s all about making art accessible for everyone, whether he’s pasting up a mural for all to see on the streets, selling affordable limited edition prints on his website obeygiant.com or sticking his politically charged work on clothing. His aptly titled fashion line, Obey, is comfortable, stylish and a great conversation starter as it’s designed by one of the finest artists of our time. Isn’t it about time you joined Andre the Giant’s posse?

To enter, go to ionmagazine.ca

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 14

dvd MY NAME IS JUANI

DVD LATE FRAGMENT

Meet Juani. She’s a raspy-voiced aspiring actress who works as a checkout girl at an electronics store. She’s bored with her lackluster life and dreams of moving to Madrid where she can act. On the same day that Juani finds her boyfriend in bed with another woman,Juani’s best friend is abused by her own boyfriend. In an attempt to escape their small town lives and dead-beat boyfriends, the two friends follow in the footsteps of Thelma and Louise as they set out in pursuit of independence and adventure. Juani’s determination to become an actress provides many humorous moments as she navigates an industry full of absurd acting classes and perverted casting directors. Director Bigas Luna has created a highly stylized film that uses elements similar to those of music videos and video games with rapid cuts and pulsating dance tunes.

Late Fragment is North America’s first interactive film. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure style of film that entwines the storylines of three strangers who meet at a “restorative justice” therapy session held in a prison. From that initial meeting, the viewer navigates through nine chapters and 139 scenes in order to reach three possible endings.

The opening menu lets the viewer choose which character to follow, but by pushing enter on the remote at any point during the film the storyline abruptly shifts to another character. It’s a non-linear film in the vein of Crash and Amores Perros but the difference lies in the viewer’s ability to dictate how the film unfolds, and it unfolds differently with each screening. Unfortunately, none of the film’s endings offer monetary rewards like the ones found at the end of the Choose Your Own Adventure books.

DVD games MY BLUEBERRY Mgs4 It’s been an endless wait but we fiNIGHTS nally have Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns

Norah Jones takes the long route to hook up with the man she loves, diner owner Jude Law. As she goes on a road trip across America to sort her head out, she meets an interesting supporting cast of degenerates played by Natalie Portman, David Strathairn and Rachel Weisz. This is the debut English language film from Wong Kar Wai, who’s brought us such classics as In the Mood for Love and 2046. In typical Wong Kar Wai fashion, My Blueberry Nights is a stylish, colourful film full of romance and longing. You may not dig Wong Kar Wai’s style but to quote Jude Law’s character, “At the end of every night, the cheesecake and the apple pie are always completely gone... but there’s always a whole blueberry pie left untouched.

There’s nothing wrong with the blueberry pie. Just... people make other choices. You can’t blame the blueberry pie.”

of the Patriots, a full 20 years after the very first Metal Gear game came out. In this one, you assume the role of an aging Solid Snake on his final mission. It’s the year 2014 and war is big business (imagine that!). Private Military Companies now have larger armies than nations and one company, Outer Haven, has a private army the size of the States so it’s probably a good idea to step in there and take them down. Sneak around in the shadows in your stealth suit or amass an arsenal of futuristic weapons and get ready for a cinematic gaming experience with a hell of a lot of dialogue and crazy boss battles with monstrous psychic war machines. This title is exclusive to the PlayStation 3, which doubles as a Blu-ray player. Now that HD-DVD is dead, it’s probably an excellent time to purchase one of these sexy machines.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 16

a huge Pet Contributor CONTRIBUTOR mistake WAS ryu STEVEN EVANS JONATHAN This Canadian-born Japanese pup Steven has parlayed his lifelong T. ORR MADE ain’t anime, but he sure is animated. love of pointing out other people’s The following people were not credited in ION issue number 49 for the following articles. Of the Minute: makeup - Jon Hennessey for NOBASURA.com, hair - Tania Becker Liz Bell Agency / Moods Salon, models - Monica at Richard’s, Margot at Liz Bell Agency and Brandie at Liz Bell Agency. It’s a Mod Mod World: styling - Shiva Shabani for NOBASURA.com assistance by Cailyn Murray, hair and makeup - Caitlin Callahan using MAC for NOBASURA. com, models - Cam Dales and Dani Brown. It’s What’s Inside That Counts: styling - Cailyn Murray. Most of the ION staff has been sacked because of this and sadly, because we’re restaffing, our next issue’s going to be a “special photo issue” which will feature 98 pages of photos from that time the editor had people over to watch Rambo. A line from a really sad poem that Sam Kerr wrote will appear on each page.

Named after the Japanese equivalent to dragon (but we all really know Ryu is clearly named after everyone’s favourite Street Fighter character), Ryu can be a troublemaker at times, but who can ever get mad at a face like his? Ryu likes to spend his summer days lounging in front of a fan, watching movies (although not any with Daniel Craig), chasing his tail, and cooling down with a nice icy popsicle. Send pet pictures to pet@ionagazine.ca to have your pet immortalized in print.

mistakes into a steady gig as the magazine’s copy editor. In this position, he is responsible mainly for crossing t’s, dotting i’s, and limiting Trevor Risk to one sports movie reference per article. Ion’s writers may have also noticed that he removes the wittiest line from each article to save for himself for a later date.

He’s a bit of a jerk. A fun fact about Steven—he insists on copy editing while standing naked as it supposedly helps him craft concise, clear sentences, à la Hemingway. Though the hard work of a copy editor may go largely unnoticed, Steven is happy to finally be recognized for his efforts here, next to someone’s pet, which probably has a larger write-up despite having never done anything for the magazine. Figures.

Jonathan T. Orr was born in Northern Ireland and raised in Surrey. After graduating from U.B.C. with a B.A. in Art History he proceeded to do nothing very much, really. He accidentally spent the last eight years in the Vancouver film industry, most recently with The N.F.B, where he helped produce Murray Siple’s documentary film Carts of Darkness, but actually mostly just downloaded music. He is currently trying not to drink wine during the day and to work on his long overdue first novel White Shell Road. As one half of St. Just Vigilantes his debut record Pastor of Oaks, Shepperd of Stones will be released on Static Caravan records in October. Fond of badgers.

bensherman.com

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READ A BOOK OF DICKS

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taschen’s Big Books Words Patricia Matos

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“I think it really comes back to that women are not primarily visually driven…“

At first you may look around, checking to see if anyone is looking over your shoulder. Then your eyes will narrow in on a shiny hardcover, and depending on which gloriously packaged book is in your hands, it will either be a life-sized heaving bosom or an almost dangerously bulging package.

What you are about to unabashedly open up is what some might see as a Pandora’s box of lust and pornography but as legendary sex magazine editor Dian Hanson sees it, The Big Book of Breasts and The Big Penis Book are journeys into the celebration of our carnal desires.

“I’m a woman and I like sex; I like porn and I’ve had a lot of sex; I know what feels good and I know what doesn’t feel good,” Hanson explains over the phone from her Los Angeles office. There’s no mistaking the raunchy, shocking, playful, and curious nature these erotic photography books possess. They are, as Hanson cheerfully describes,“Kind of irresistible. That big square, like the size of a record album, appeals in that same sort of way where it’s a hybrid of a record/book/magazine.” What she doesn’t mention is the vintage pornographic encyclopedias are thick—like carrying fourth graders under each arm.

If within the eye line of another person, one will almost certainly peer over, if not encircle you with others, to see a rare photo of hugely endowed adult film star Johnny Wad Holmes, or Norma Stitz, the perpetual titleholder of largest breasts in the world. “I think there’s an obsession with breast and penis size because they represent femininity and masculinity. Though the penis is an equivalent to the vagina, the vagina is not seen.” And with a laugh, Hanson later says of readers being seen with The Big Penis Book, “If you’re a man and you leave it in the bathroom, you’ve outed yourself; if you’re a woman and you leave it in your bathroom, your date’s going to run out the door the first time he goes pee.”

The thing about these books is not that they’re particularly scandalous, but rather that they are intriguing and well thought out. Hanson was deliberately meticulous in creating works she feels are less disposable and more “precious” than magazines. Her answers are succinct and her speech is eloquent with dustings of words many would blush at saying.

Hanson began her career during the sexual revolution of the late Sixties.

Her hands-on approach helped propel magazines like Puritan, which she founded in 1976; Juggs; and Leg Show into the social consciousness— even if they were hidden in a brown paper bag. “Sex publishing was seen as daring, fun and revolutionary. So I was eager to take the opportunity when it came along,” she says. It was during her tenure at Leg Show that she met a very important future collaborator, a publisher named Bene-

“Men’s penises tell them what they like, like dipsticks.“

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dict Taschen. “He contacted me and wanted me to do work for him at his publishing company, and I never really had an interest in books. I loved magazines. But we became friends, and... I could see he was a person I could enjoy working with. He was creative and had such unusual ideas. He was making books that no one else was making.”

By decade’s end Hanson’s publisher died and the company spiraled downwards so she called Taschen and immediately became its sex book editor. Since 2001 Hanson has authored nearly every sex book for Taschen, veering only slightly from her previous post as arguably the most successful female editor in contemporary erotic magazines. “When I came into it in the late Seventies there like me: women who thought it would be cool, who thought it would be fun… it’s not the overwhelming majority, maybe one sixth or one fifth of the people working in the business.” She explains, “[Male pornographers] view their readership as a bunch of masturbators, and they don’t want to be clumped in with them. And quite often they are from the group of masturbators. But they are, many times, shy men—men who maybe weren’t as popular in school as others—and this is how they got interested in pornography. They were looking at pornography rather than dating.”

“Playboys don’t normally publish pornography; it’s true that Hugh Hefner became a playboy, but he wasn’t a playboy at the time he started Playboy.

The magazine became his vehicle. There are plenty of other sort of nerdy guys who hope that pornography is going to be their vehicle for getting a lot of ‘poontang’, and they’re hostile towards the reader who they see as representing the parts of themselves they despise. I didn’t have that problem because I was a woman. My readership was [male] and I was doing what women historically had done, and that is doing things to arouse men.”

She continues, “I’ve never really had the desire to try and create erotic material for women because women are so picky about it, to be honest…I think it really comes back to that women are not primarily visually driven.

Therefore, they’re always going to look at it more critically, they’re not going to respond with their genitalia the way men would. Men’s penises tell them what they like, like dipsticks.”

Though Hanson doesn’t receive the kind of feedback she would like from her books as she does her magazines, the line of Big Books is just beginning. She is currently compiling a leg photo book, and has a big butt collection in the works. “The butt has really come into its own in the past 10 years or so. A lot of it has to do with minorities asserting themselves more in American culture. If you look at all the vintage stuff you see very few black and Latina models, and when porn started to realize that here was a ready market they catered to them as well, and suddenly really spectacular butts started getting out there.”

At the end of the day, Dian Hanson is, at the very least, a woman who appreciates the human form. She knows what makes it tick and what doesn’t, and with her two Big Books of erotic images “dominating the realm”, Hanson can rest easy knowing someone new has perhaps unearthed a fetish or desire they may have otherwise ignored.

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get acquainted with a faile guy

Patrick McNeil from Faile Words and Street Photography Michael Mann In case you’re not the kind of person who pays really close attention to movies and follows the UK street art scene, there’s a really interesting case of life imitating art going on right now. In Alfonso Cuarón’s brilliant film Children of Men—about the worldwide chaos that ensues when the human race loses the ability to have children—there’s a scene where Clive Owen visits his cousin to get a travel visa. The cousin works for the government and is in charge of preserving great works of art, like Picasso’s Guernica and Michelangelo’s David, so they don’t get destroyed in the anarchy.

As Clive Owen enters his cousin’s place, in the background there’s a large chunk of wall that has Banksy’s Kissing Coppers on it. Banksy is an anonymous UK street artist who’s almost more of a folk hero and media darling than a vandal. When a new work by Banksy almost magically appears on the side of a building, it’s on the 6 o’clock news.

His work is highly sought after and fetches top dollar at auction houses.

In the city of Brighton in the south of England, on the side of a pub you can see Banksy’s Kissing Coppers. The stencil is protected by a piece of plastic that’s bolted to the wall to preserve it. It’s also a reproduction. The real Kissing Coppers has been removed from the wall and is sitting in some extremely wealthy person’s art locker. In fact, most of Banksy’s work in England has these plastic sheets over them, preserving these now valuable commodities.

There’s an undeniable frenzy going on in England about Street Art right now. Banksy is the catalyst, but there are a lot of other amazing artists getting their work up in the streets. In fact, some of the best artwork you can see in the UK can be found while walking through the alleyways of East London. It should come as no surprise that the “legitimate art world” is taking notice of this.

This summer, The Tate Modern in London brought in six of the world’s finest—Blu, Faile, JR, Nunca, Os Gemeos and Sixart—to decorate the massive

façade of the biggest and baddest contemporary art gallery in England.

Faile is an artist collective from Brooklyn consisting of Patrick Miller (originally from Minnesota) and Patrick McNeil (originally from St. Albert Alberta). The two met when they were young and eventually formed A-life in 1998 with third member Aiko Nakagawa (originally from Japan, she left the collective in 2006). In 1999, after realizing there was a shoe company in New York using the same name, they reordered the letters of A-life to come up with Faile. Their style is an unmistakable collage of romantic and poppy appropriated imagery and typography. The collective has been hitting streets and galleries all over the world ever since. Their work has not gone unnoticed and it’s common to see one of their original works on canvas sell for over $100,000 either at auction or at Lazarides, the London gallery that represents them. Mere mortals can purchase low edition prints of their work for a few thousand dollars.

However, the demand for their work is so high that you need to win a lottery on their website for the privilege to purchase one, or you’ll have to shell out more for it in on eBay. ION was fortunate to have a chance to chat with the Canadian half of Faile, Patrick McNeil, from his studio in Brooklyn as the collective, fresh off wrapping up a massive online print release, is preparing for a November show in London that will be put on by themselves in conjunction with Lazarides Gallery.

What made you want to pursue a career as a professional vandal?

Uhhhm... I don’t know. I never really looked at it as being a professional vandal.

How about street decorator or neighbourhood beautifier?

An urban decorator? I guess it would have been being inspired by the art form itself. I worked

down on Canal Street and got to see it change and be alive from day to day. I just got fascinated with it and wanted to be part of the dialogue that was going on.

Whose work were you seeing on the streets at that time that made you want to go out and do it yourself?

Bast and WK Interact. Shepard Fairey. There were a lot of graffiti artists who were interesting to watch as well. When you’re tuned into it you’re watching everything. Different artists and different writers inspired me in different ways.

Faile’s primarily known for stenciling and screenprints. Where are you appropriating your imagery from?

It comes from anywhere and anything. It could be from a fish and chips box graphic. Everything is mixed and mashed. Some of it is drawn by us but it is a host of appropriated imagery all collaged and fucked up.

You guys have a rep of being the nice guys of street art. I thought it was kind of neat how you brag at the same time and will work in “Brooklyn’s Finest” into your work. Does Faile like to brag?

I don’t look at it as bragging. It’s more having fun with language. I don’t know if we brag about being nice. “The great guys on the block. Brooklyn’s Finest.”

You sign your work 1986, which is a reference to the Space Shuttle Challenger. What is it about that disaster that makes you want to incorporate that into your work?

It’s kind of an off-spirit answer but in the beginning 1986 did come from the Challenger disaster.

We were talking about putting things up on the street that you would see and connect with. For

Faile, It Happens Everyday, 2007. Courtesy the artists and Lazarides Gallery. Copyright: Faile, 2008.

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Faile, Baghdad Rampage. Courtesy the artists, Lazarides Gallery and The Tate Modern. Copyright: Faile, 2008.

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instance, you look at a piece of graffiti and you see and read it and that’s about it. We did this Space Shuttle Challenger going down with flames on it and had ‘Challenger’ written below it. The idea was “Oh Challenger” but there would be a secondary reaction, possibly with the person you’re with, “Hey, do you remember where you were when the Challenger disaster happened.” And then a whole host of stories would come up with people’s different experiences. It’s the idea that the power of a graphic can transport you back to a memory.

It’s almost like a 9/11 type incident.

Yeah, or Kennedy.That was at least the origin of it.

1986 was used a lot in paintings and repeated and stamped and repeated and painted.Then it became almost a secondary signature. Faile 1986.

Why do you guys put coffee on your work? Or, if you prefer, artistically decorate your work with coffee.

We actually only spill coffee on or work because we’re drinking it all day long. There’s Bailey’s and scotch in it and we get all tipsy and spill it all over the floor.

At what point did you realize Faile was going to take off and you could make a good living off of your art?

It would have been after the first time we did a print run. A friend of ours started a blog where every month he showcased an artist. One month he showcased us and decided to do a print from an edition of 12 and released it in conjunction with the show we did online. It sold. We were like “we should sell prints on our site.” I didn’t think there was the demand. Then we put them up and they sold. We made enough from this to support what we needed to support. We didn’t have to do any design work anymore and were able to focus 100 percent on Faile. That was about two years ago.

You guys have always been on the street and in

How do you account for street art being so much more popular in Europe than it is in North America?

I think it is popular here; I just don’t think there’s a market that’s grown up like there has in Europe. It’s happening, it’s just slower. I don’t why it happened.

I think Banksy has a big part to do with why everything exploded. It’s a phenomenon that started over there and maybe people over here are just starting to realize there’s value in it. We have great artists coming up here too.

Would you agree that despite this inferno market existing in Europe, the quality of work right now coming out of Brooklyn is actually better?

I don’t know. I feel there’s a different energy. My favourite artists are all coming out of Europe right now. There’s only a few in the US where I think they’re doing amazing stuff. The one that’s really blowing my mind right now is Blu. That’s great you brought up Blu because he’s on the front of the Tate Modern with you as well right now. How did you guys end up throwing up this gigantic mural on the front of one the biggest art galleries in the world?

Luck. There was a guy who was doing a book for the Tate and he contacted us almost two years ago when we did the show at the [Newcastle UK] Baltic Gallery. Not because of the Baltic, but he’d seen our stuff in London and we did an interview for the book.

When they launched it he just thought of us and asked us if we’d be interested, two years after the fact. It was just a lucky thing.

How did you choose which image to put on there?

I believe that you need to push things and look close to where you are. Sometimes right in front of you.There’s a painting that we just finished in studio that was like that. We agreed and just busted it out.

Top: Banksy, Kissing Coppers reproduction.

Bottom: Faile, Tender Forever at Tate Modern.

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When did the “legitimate art world” take notice of Faile?

When did the “legitimate art world” take notice of Faile? That might be a good question for the other Patrick. I’ll ask.... February 23rd, 2006. He had it written down on his desk.

the gallery. How important has it been that your street work translates really well to the gallery?

I’ve enjoyed both and always put the same energy into them. I never felt like we had to put the street into the gallery. They’re two separate things.

The gallery is its own beast and the street is a different one. I’ve always enjoyed both and found both a challenge.

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If someone was like “Hey, an exhibition at the Tate is not what street art is all about,” how would you respond?

I don’t really look at it as a sellout. I look at it as an opportunity to expose more people to street art. It’s just an amazing chance to be part of all those other amazing artists that are inside that building. Hmm... selling out? I don’t look at it as that. It’d be different if it was like...

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Wal-Mart?

Yeah, or like a big Nike show ad or a Gatorade event.

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It’s a new image of what we’ll be messing around with for the November show.

Is it flattering or insulting to have someone remove your work from the street and try to sell it? I was looking at an auction a few months back and someone was trying to sell an entire wall display you did in Berlin.

I just give in. You put it up knowing either the wind is going to take it or someone else is going to take it. Hopefully it stays there longer so more people can enjoy it. On the scale that it’s been done, like taking steel doors and that kind of stuff? That’s a little nuts. I guess someone’s saving it. Maybe that’s a good thing?

Do you have any idea who these people are who are buying walls harvested off the sides of pubs with Banksys on them?

No idea. It’s pretty crazy. We don’t authenticate anything that comes off the street as it was never the intention to sell it. People will take a large door and cut it up and sell it as different pieces rather than one whole piece. That’s kind of strange.

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Faile at The Cans Festival

Does that affect where you put your work now?

That’s the other crappy thing. It’s not like before when you could go and put a bunch of stuff up in the city. I like to work on doors. I like working on crappy wood. Unfortunately, wood is something that’s easily removable. Now when we go out it’s not as fun. It lasts a day then someone is trying to hawk it. So it’s like “Why are we doing this?

Nobody’s enjoying it.” I’m risking my neck out there, possibly getting arrested, and then what?

Someone’s just gonna take this and sell it.

When was the last time you were arrested?

Oh I don’t know. Maybe three or four years ago.

Wouldn’t it almost be comical getting arrested now considering how established you guys are as artists?

No, I know lots of established people who’ve been arrested and it’s not that comical. You have to hang out in jail and eat crappy food.

What’s your worst prison food memory?

It was some baloney white bread sandwich. I didn’t eat it but it made a good pillow.

Finally, I’d like to ask you about a recent UK tabloid article that claims to have outed the true identity of Banksy. Do you have any thoughts on this article?

No. No… no, no. I don’t know what to say about it. Sooner or later they’re going to hunt you down if you get that much press. British tabloids are notorious for that kind of exposé. I read the article and at least they went about it kind of nicely.

Except the whole showing up at people’s houses and asking for interviews.

Yeah, showing up at his parents’ house and harassing them. That’s kind of lame.

Aren’t you glad you’re not anonymous?

Yeah, I am.

You’ve met the man. Do you have a good story about a time you went out drinking with Bansky? In my head I think he’d be one of those amazing Brits you randomly meet in a pub who’s full of witty and humourous things to say.

He’s totally not that kind of guy. He’s one of the slyest guys I know. He’s great but I don’t want to talk about him too much.

Well good luck with your show coming up in November… though I’m sure you don’t need it.

I’m sure we do. www.faile.net

Photography, Josh Cornell | Fashion Stylist, Amy Lu Make-up and Hair, Sheri Stroh @ Judy Inc | Model, Kai @ Sutherland

Top - BNX | Knickers - Agent Provocateur | Shoes - Betsey Johnson | Necklace and Earrings - Robert Von Ly | Stockings - Wolford | Gloves - Stylist’s own

Dress - Escada | Shoes - Valentino at Davids | Stockings - Stylist’s own

Shrug - Betsey Johnson | Bra - Free People | Skirt - Vintage Joie | Stockings - Wolford | Gloves - Stylists own | Head Piece - Malabar Costumes

Blouse - Debbie Shuchat | Knickers - The Lake & Stars | Sox - Antipast | Shoes - Betsey Johnson | Necklace - Robert Von Ly

Shorts - Buddhist Punk | Shoes - Valentino at Davids | Crystal Bra - Malabar Costumes Stockings - Wolford

Sparkly Shrug - Betsey Johnson Bra - Free People | Stockings and Knickers - Wolford | ShoesGiuseppe Zanotti at Davids Head Piece - Malabar Costumes

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC

CLINIC Words Jillian Ennis

ION MAGAZINE 36

Ade Blackburn is sitting across from me sipping a coke. He is dressed in jeans and noticeably absent from his face is his surgical mask, a staple in the Clinic performance guide.“One of the things I absolutely love is Boney M. Remember them?” Blackburn smiles, referring to the hit disco group from the Seventies.“I think people would expect us to hate pop music. A common perception of us is being a bit dark.” Being together as a group for 10 years can certainly spark a number of notions about a band’s character and “dark” is one of the most overused attributes that has stuck with Clinic. “We’re not really dark people. We’re not sinister people. I think there is just a lot of humour in what we do.” At this point, it is worth mentioning that Boney M.’s producer, Frank Farian, was the driving force behind Milli Vanilli.

This year, Clinic (comprised of Blackburn, Brian Campbell, Carl Turney, and Hartley) has put out their fifth album, Do It!, an unguarded collection of some of their best work. Riddled with psychedelic pop, melancholy vocals, and gritladen riffs, Clinic has managed to create albums as a cohesive unit for over a decade, an almost impossible feat in music today.

“We’re quite determined and stubborn people. We’ve always set out to make music for more than one or two albums,” lead singer Blackburn explains. “We knew each other for years before we started the band. We didn’t fall into the same traps that other bands do where all the clichés, like musical differences and people falling out with each other when they’re on tour take place.”

When I ask him why many bands today fall under the radar he thinks about it and thoughtfully answers that it’s become a “glorified talent contest”.

There are many groups that become involved in the music business machine in order to gain fame and think they’re earning an easy buck, but there’s little difference between each new band. “If you go back to when pop or rock ‘n’ roll first became really big, it was a lot harder to record things and you had to know how to play well to get recorded,” Blackburn says. “Whereas now, I think you get something that sounds quite professional without having to put much work into it.”

That’s not the case with Clinic. They believe it’s the personal involvement and the active participation that makes a great record.“Halfway through this album we kind of got more experimental with sounds,” Blackburn explains.

“We changed three of the songs, so ‘Tomorrow’ originally wasn’t intended for the album and neither was ‘Emotion’. That kind of changed the whole shape of the album. It seemed to make it a lot more playful and more melodic sounding. I think a lot of the songs are quite cinematic.”

As we get up to part ways, I ask him if he would mind posing for a picture.

When he realizes that he doesn’t have his mask with him, he appears apologetic and politely declines the photograph. It is then that we joke around that Clinic’s costumed demeanor has become like KISS, and in turn makes him very rock ‘n’ roll. And as for being dark? “I love things like Woody Allen,” Blackburn smiles as he pushes the coke away.“Comedy.”

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 38

THE GOOEY CENTRE OF…

Gonzales Words Jonathan T. Orr

“People tell me that they love to listen to my music in the bath, or while doing the dishes, or while fucking. Or while doing the dishes and fucking.”

So says the chameleonic Gonzales (Gonzo to his friends); the Daft Punk re-mixing, Feist and Jamie Lidell producing, Grammy nominated, platinum record selling, elegiac piano virtuoso, ‘prankster rapper’ and all around grand ‘Entertainist’ who calls as a summer storm crackles across the connection and rumbles around his Paris apartment.

Fittingly enough he first announces, “I just had another platinum record delivered for Feist’s album, not sure for what country though.” Well then.

If ‘doing the dishes while fucking’ sounds like a physical impossibility, or at least a tad unhygienic, then the songs on Gonzo’s new album Soft Power, which bend, weave and shape-shift their way through a vaudeville show’s worth of musical costume changes, provide the perfect contortionist soundtrack for you to at least give it your best shot.

Befitting his risk taking, high wire persona his most recent (and best selling) release was a gorgeously melancholic suite of solo piano performances. He explains it was made when he first moved to Paris, alone and without his machines, to produce records for French legends Jane Birkin and Jacques Dutroux.

“I had a very solitary, silent existence… wasn’t that confident with my French, so the role of the solitary piano player seemed to be more and more something that would resonate.”

Gonzales uses the word risk a lot, speaking of solo piano he muses: “Every time something has worked for me it’s from taking risks… I don’t want to call it anti-intuitive, but who would have thought an album of solo piano would have become a hit? Sometimes you go along a track and sort of hold your breath…until a certain moment of decision… am I going to turn back or walk along to the end? All that conceptual stuff comes after you’ve found something you’re happy with.”

He recalls that long before there was a ‘Gonzales Uber Alles’, there was a young classically trained pianist making a living playing jazz bars and that the record, “was me making peace with the piano man.”

Soft Power finds Gonzales moving out from behind the relative safety of the mixing desk and piano stool right up to the mic where his voice is upfront and in the spotlight. Soft Power is an open-armed, openhearted, long player that lovingly rekindles the AM glow of Seventies soft rock for an audience who might just be young enough not to have a paralyzing fear of saxophone solos and squishy heart-on-the-sleeve piano balladry.

Flowing from party starters like “Working Together” and “Let’s Ride” to the Beach Boys sweetness of “C Major” and the naked piano of album closer “Singing Something,” it’s a world away from the aesthetic orthodoxy and emotional cynicism of many so-called indie records.

When he went into Paris studio Ferber to begin the record, Gonzo reveals that he “quit some bad habits before making the album.” Asked if he’s referring to musical or lifestyle habits he laughs, saying, “Yeah, all of it. One leads to the other doesn’t it? I was ruling out a bunch of stuff that had become part of my comfort zone.”

He admits that, having been behind a piano, mixing desk or alter ego for much of his career, singing in the same room as Jane Birkin and Feist was “difficult.... In one way it was intimidating and in another liberating, once you’ve found the songs and realizing …wow I don’t think Feist could sing this one better. It felt like discovering new territory.”

He says of the most vocally revealing track, “Singing Something,” where he improvises the lyrics and melody off the floor “it’s kinda like the closing credits of the movie…. and it sums the whole risk-taking part of the process, the risk for me that it was, you know, just open my mouth and sing something.”

Mentioning that a lot of critics immediately

bring up the Eighties, and not necessarily in a good way, when discussing Soft Power, I ask him why he thinks some people are still afraid of those blazing Billy Ocean sax workouts and hyper complex Steely Dan vocals.

“People who haven’t reconciled with their early childhood are the ones who might have a problem with it. People who haven’t made peace with that part of their lives. If they don’t keep it at a critical arms-length, ‘this is a reference to this; this is a reference to that’ then they’re like ‘whoa I’m starting to relive my pre-taste pre-identity self.

People who knew who they were earlier on don’t seem to have a problem.”

Bringing up Adam Ant’s famous Eighties call to arms “Ridicule is nothing to be scared of,” Gonzales agrees with the sentiment saying, ”There is a superficial side to being creative. You can spend a lot of time thinking about the profound aspects of what you’re doing but in the end people are judging you on superficial stuff so I prefer to deal with the superficial stuff frontally … and let the profound stuff happen by itself, sort of the opposite approach of a lot of people who want to deal with their inner turmoil. You know ‘I want to get to the gooey centre of my creative soul’ and you listen to their music and you realize - oh man you spent so much time on your gooey centre but all people hear is ‘oh he used that kind of drum machine.’”

Gonzales decided long ago it was both more interesting and bold to focus on the superficial.

“I’ll be a rapper on the surface and wear a gold chain, sing to a beat, talk about myself, but in doing so something profound gets release. I find depth through superficiality.”

So if your on Gonzo’s side, make peace with your pre-taste, pre-identity self, break out the air sax, put on your rubber gloves grab the sunlight liquid, call up a special friend and employ the soft powers of Gonzales to get those dirty dishes clean.

Soft Power is out now on Arts & Crafts.

ION MAGAZINE 39

CULTURE FASHION

FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 40

THEY STARTED SOMETHING

The Ting Tings

Words Trevor Risk Photography the dark at NOBASURA.com The music industry is different now. Gone are the days of an overweight, middle-aged man in a suit exclaiming from behind his small, circular sunglasses to a young band, “You guys are gonna be stars! STARS!” The more likely scenario is that of a tight-jeaned, ex-band member of Fugazi (probably not actually Fugazi) “just putting an offer out there” to wide-eyed literate members of the young hipster-erati. Over the past couple decades, bands have had albums shelved, images tampered with, and potential squashed by labels just trying to see a profit. The reason record labels are starting to shiver, sue fans, collude, and conduct merger after merger is the looming idea that fans and artists will push the “Power” button on their business, when the secret between us all is that we’re just pushing the one labeled “Reset”. Back in the days of doo-wop, there were hardly any members of the industry over the age of 26, and with record sales crumbling, the community is finally getting the chance to look to the Smokey Robinsons and Johnny B. Goodes for direction.

Take the young Manchester duo, The Ting Tings.

They got fucked. Once upon a time they were called Dear Eskimo (the Brits haven’t ever adopted the term “Inuit”) and they got fucked. It doesn’t matter exactly how, but they were just one of hundreds of bands (Metric will complain to you nonstop if you ask them about it) who got promised the golden ring and then got bent over a meeting desk and sodomized with a dry Shure 57. Several years later they flipped off the label (rhymes with... well, nothing rhymes with Mercury) 180’d their sound, and dug themselves deep into the always vibrant Manchester art/club scene. After turning down deals and sweating up bars, they’ve finally got some footing with a major label (and the coolest A & R guy ever!) and have shot up the charts in every industrialized country. Ion caught up with Jules and Katie in Vancouver and talked about the biz... oh, and Michael Palin.

“If I like a song that much, even if it’s on a blog,

I’ll go and buy it,” Katie defiantly states on a rainy afternoon. It’s becoming more apparent every day that it’s in a musician’s contract to stick by this credo, but coming from a band so staunchly planted in the DIY aesthetic, it’s almost believable.

Mostly because The Ting Tings have actually done it all themselves and remained in complete control.“With the way technology is, you don’t have to record a garage or bedroom demo and then rerecord it all professionally with a producer, and I think a lot of records would have lost some of their naivety that way,” interjects Jules, the clear voice of the band and especially clever half of Manchester’s newest and finest.“Now a lot of bands can actually get their music to a level where even record companies are saying ‘good enough’. We’ve got this record that’s just being released in the States called “Shut Up And Let Me Go” and it’s being played on rock stations. It’s not a rock song, but with everyone being able to be creative at home, it’s got this DIY thing going on and it’s not rock and it’s not indie, but it’s kind of pop and you can mix up all this pigeonholing going on.Years ago a label would have signed something and said that it had to be ‘rock’, but if you produce something yourself it can be a mish mash of ideas. It’s the first time I think you’ve got a lot of that thing coming out now.”

With new bands wielding such a heavy stick, the message to the big boys in tall buildings is clear: “Get savvy or you may just get trounced by a mob of kids in Guy Fawkes masks.” Lucky for The Ting Tings (or maybe for their label) they’ve found a home worth sticking with. “The record companies have been making money for so long, and now a band can survive just off of MySpace or blogging so record companies have to start listening. But we’re very lucky; we signed a deal with Columbia Sony BMG and we weren’t going to sign a record deal because of our past experience, but because we put our own records out we got ourselves in a situation where we could say no to all the deals coming in. Columbia really appealed to us because of

Mike Pickering (Hacienda DJ and signer of Happy Mondays) as the A & R guy and the team they have going in the states with that DIY thing. So when we signed a contract, we signed a complete control contract where we do everything. We just recorded our 10 tracks and just gave them the album and that was it. They loved it.”

Jules goes on to illustrate how the understanding youth on the business side are pushing forwardthinking pop music to the front.“[Columbia] had a box of promos going out to radio stations, and we just thought it was a regular box of promos. So they gave it to us to have a look at, and we took them out and they had given their junior staff two days off to spray them. Which is exactly how we made our records, we sort of sprayed them and smashed things up, and they gave them two days off to do that. I mean, any book I’ve ever read about record companies, I’ve never heard of a company giving their junior staff two days off to make promos.”

After shootin’ the shit about all their favourite celebrity fans (Rick Rubin, Annie Lennox) both members’ eyes light up at the mention of Monty Python member and travel book writer/television host, Michael Palin.“We saw him down the hall at the BBC,” chirps Katie, “and Jules just jumped at him telling him how much we love his travel shows, to which he responded in his Monty Python voice,‘Well keep watchin’‘em, they get better!”

Celebrity endorsements aside, The Ting Tings aren’t the second coming of Coldplay (despite both currently having iPod ads with their music in them), but are actually a powerful symbol of this crux in time in the music business. We may not remember them as the best band of the aughts, but when our children blow the dust off their album We Started Nothing they’ll wonder why any label hack couldn’t see The Ting Tings’ potential... or remember Katie’s name.

We Started Nothing is out now on Sony.

ION MAGAZINE 41

FASHION

Fort Polio

CULTURE

FILM

MUSIC

ION MAGAZINE

42

POSTER ART

J. Ryan Halpenny has only been making rock posters under the clever moniker Fort Polio for two years and already has an impressive body of work.This 31-year-old art school dropout always wanted to do poster art but never felt he could.“I changed my mind after I started playing in bands, and I saw the kind of shitty flyers people were churning out. Nowadays, there’s so many amazing, talented people here in Toronto—it’s hard to not be inspired just by walking down the street and looking at all the great stuff pinned up everywhere.” We describe his style as vibrant, eye-catching and cartoonish but he’d rather you look

at it as “pen and inks by Parkinsons patients.” When asked if there’s anything he’d like people to know about him, Halpenny replied,“I feel weird charging for the drawings, most of the time. I’m slowly coming to terms with it though, and I’m looking forward to laughing at people who offer to pay me in T-shirts and beer. Which is where I’m at right now.” Seriously Ryan, don’t advertise that or you’ll live your whole life being bucking froke.

www.myspace.com/fort_polio

ION MAGAZINE 43

ART FASHION

FILM MUSIC: ALBUM REVIEWS

Bowerbirds Hymns For A Dark Horse Dead Oceans

CSS Donkey Sub Pop

The Green Hour Band S/T Kingdom

Why is it okay that Brazilian bands are

How many Green Hours are in a

This album is kind of what I have

allowed to make electroclash nearly

Green Day? Better question; which

KING KHAN AND THE SHRINES THE SUPREME GENIUS OF… VICE

hoped (and continue to hope, despite

seven years after the genre blipped

band members featured inside this

I wonder what else is getting reviewed

since bread and butter. Forget hit-

continual disappointment) “freak-folk”

on the radar for only a summer?

album’s inlay are still in the band?

this month. Some slick, self-conscious

ting two birds, entire flocks can be

would sound like, without the usual

Predictably, CSS are following the path

Calling a project “derivative” nowa-

NY scene kids singing songs about

pegged with his most recent album,

vague suspicions of stink and crazy-

of the doomed Larry Tee-ism, as their

days isn’t exactly a harsh insult (be-

parties and heartbreak? Maybe an in-

In Our Nature: seduction tool, sleep

intense conversations about dirt. I’m

first record was the Miss Kittin to this

cause most pop songs are) but most

trospective knob-twiddler or two? How

aid, driving music, dinner party jams,

not going to go so far as to say it

record’s Chicks On Speed. I know that

music fans thirst for even the tiniest

about one of those guaranteed-to-be-

lovers rock, anti-depressant, depres-

sounds like Bowerbirds are wearing

Generation X has this fascination for

of contemporary spins on a sound.

a-failure covers albums in tribute of a

sant, whatever mellow tickling you

shoes, but you get the idea that their

having nostalgia for the very recent

Psychedelia is one of those sounds

great master? I dunno. Doesn’t really

need. He has mastered a sound that

feet are clean. They barely even have

past, but it’s doubtful that anyone will

that don’t have any fairweather fans,

matter, actually, because this King

works wonders as a universal mood

beards. This reissue adds two songs to

ever want to re-live that fateful sum-

so unless you’re 20 years old, and

Khan ‘greatest hits’ type compilation is

enhancer. Perhaps it’s because Jose’s

the quietly pretty 2007 release, which

mer of Adult EVER, let alone so soon.

have decided that LSD would be a

out now and it’s pretty much the only

gentle, African flute-like vocals melt

is fine. The mood is maybe lacking

That said, CSS’ first record had some

super neat experiment for the sum-

new record you’ll ever have to buy

so effortlessly into his tender toots of

for summer, but it’s a sweet and well-

understandable appeal to anyone

mer, fans of the genre can probably

again, ever. Mister Khan has kindly

acoustic guitar. Perhaps it’s because

constructed album, with traditional

under 19, but on Donkey all their defi-

name off at least one song that

gone ahead and picked out all the

we cannot help but get off on his

Americana-style instrumentation and

ance has been curbed, seemingly to

these Vancouverites have completely

best parts of the best genres of the

covers of The Knife’s “Heartbeats,” Joy

wavery vocals bringing up the usual

find a wider fanbase... or mainstream

stolen. Add in the facts that their

last 50-whatever years of music (the

Division’s “Love will Tear us Apart,” and

evocative bullshit, you know, misty

radio play. For shame CSS. You started

press release gives as much praise

best 50-whatever years in music’s his-

Massive Attack’s “Teardrop.” Perhaps

meadows or hillbilly picnic weddings

with little, and now you’re even less.

to their vintage equipment as their

tory, btw) and arranged those pieces

it’s because nobody who enjoys lis-

✩✩✩✩✩

music, curiously lists Vancouver’s

in such a way that not only is this

tening to the Gonz can be a total ass-

or whatever. I’m getting a little bored writing about it, to tell you the truth. It

ION MAGAZINE 44

–Trevor Risk

Jose Gonzalez In Our Nature EMI Jose Gonzalez and his sound might be the most palatable substance

music scene as “competitive” and

the best shit ever, but all the shit that

hole. For all of these cozy reasons we

could use more moonshine (I mean

claims to be from a phantom label

came before it is now even better for

can count on him, but like Shreddies

the booze, not like hippie-magic) in

called “Kingdom Records”, one has

having begotten it. You should already

cereal, Starbucks coffee, and fiancés

my opinion, but I guess there’s noth-

to think the self-appointed emperors

possess every piece of music King

named Brad, his pleasant predictabil-

ing raucous about walking around

of Danelectros and Space Echos just

Khan has ever produced, but if you

ity suggests we may never be blown

barefoot with an acoustic guitar, and

may be naked. Here are “My Thoughts

don’t I guess it’s all right to start here.

away. That being said, comfort zones

I’m not above enjoying a nice picnic

in Mind”: don’t hang out with people

100 stars out of 5.

serve a crucial purpose in life, and to

wedding. I mean, metaphorically.

who never smile.

Literally, I would avoid it like Lyme

★★★★★

★✩✩✩✩

Disease.

★★★★✩ –Clayton Pierrot

–Trevor Risk

– Chad Buchholz

give this album any less than three stars would surely imply I hate kittens and kites.

★★★✩✩

–Jules Moore

The New Odds Cheerleader Pheromone New Odds, old odds, long odds—it

Various Artists Life Beyond Mars: Bowie Covered Outside

The War on Drugs Wagonwheel Blues Secretly Canadian

doesn’t matter. What we’re dealing

You know when someone prefaces a

Dear Trevor Risk

with here is the kind of middle of the

conversation with,“Look… we have to

Music Editor - ION Magazine,

road rock that you could put on when

talk” and your guts plummet and you

For a variety of reasons I wanted to

you were 16 and have your father

start to get paranoid? Well, someone

hate this record before I heard it.

come into your room and say,“Hey

might have to have said talk with Life

Mainly the band’s name. Actually,

what’s this? It’s kewl.” (You know how

Beyond Mars: Bowie Covered. Casual

entirely the band’s name. It’s loaded

boomers say “cool”). The Odds have al-

Bowie fans may find the cute and

with everything I hate about band

ways been that genre of Canadian rock

quirky covers endearing and interest-

names: useless clichés draped in

that sits somewhere betwixt the Barney

ing, but fans who recognize no deity

stupid, inside joke-esque nostalgia.

Bentalls and 54-40s of this world; hard-

other than the Thin White Duke may

Then I thought “fuck it,” got stoned, lay

core supporters of draconian Cancon

find the sleepy coos (“Oh! You Pretty

down on the grass in the park across

rules, believers in the Tragically Hip

Things”) and electro snaps (“Magic

the street from my house and listened

school of drumming and “songwrit-

Dance”) insipid and uninspired. It’s

away. Lo and behold—it’s nice. Just a

ing for dummies” chord progressions.

just too-quaint coffee shop-meets-

really nice record to listen to alone, on

Braxe doesn’t like it that much either,

If ever you were a fan of The Odds,

euro club beats to have a real grasp

some grass, in a park, while on drugs.

which is probably why he’s the best at

please just put on one of their old

on what makes Bowie so transcen-

Maybe I hated the name because it’s

making it. Ion caught up with Braxe,

albums; they had some balls and hu-

dent and innovative. Though one ex-

completely aptless for those of us liv-

the co-producer of Stardust’s “Music

mour back then. Now they sound like

ception is “Golden Years” by Susumu

ing in Vancouver. The music, however,

Sounds Better With You”, while he was

they’re all fathers and domestic life is

Yokota. Life Beyond Mars is like the

is quite apt indeed.

playing a set of music that can only be

treating them well. There is no ‘Eat My

modern version of a Nineties punk

Brain’, no ‘Heterosexual Man’; there is

covers album that negates Bowie’s

★★★★✩–Joseph Delamar

no chance Tool will be covering these

body of work.

songs live (as they did with ‘Some

★★✩✩✩

Days It’s Dark’ from the Brain Candy

FIVE TO

ONE

Alan Braxe Going to a night club sucks the bag if you hate electronic music. Luckily, Alan

described as cool. Really... fucking... cool. After watching him chain smoke underneath the booth all night, he told

–Patricia Matos

us that he’s not so much into electro (or whatever you’re calling it now), and his list of five favourites (with one clas-

with Warren Zevon because none of

sic) illustrates that. Go see him play

these songs are as good as the Corner

if you don’t like club music, but love

Gas theme song. This pussy-rock made

clubs... and The Who.

my vagina hurt.

★★✩✩✩

–Bix Brecht

ION MAGAZINE

soundtrack) and they won’t be touring

45

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46

barrington delworthy Words Sam Kerr Photography Julia Kozlov The year is 1997. Barrington Delworthy is in grade 11. He lives in his parents’ house, two blocks from his high school. Today Barrington is late for class. Out of bed without a shower, he gathers his things and scampers down the stairs. Both of Barrington’s parents have jobs, and on Wednesdays they wake up early to carpool, leaving one of their two cars behind. Barrington, or Barry as we like to call him, grabs the spare set of keys off of the kitchen counter, dashes out the front door, gets into his parents’ car, and drives to school.

In block D, Barry and Benji share biology class. Ignoring their teacher, the boys squabble about which one of them would make a more malevolent dictator if they were to rule the world. To decide this deadlock, Barry and Benji agree to skip block E and play Risk at Barry’s house. Barry’s house is a good place to be during the day. His parents have jobs, the fridge and liquor cabinet are full, and it is only two blocks from school.

At a quarter past four, Barry is sitting in his kitchen eating toast, drinking tea and playing Risk. He looks up from the table and notices the clock. On Wednesdays it is Barry’s responsibility to pick his mother up from work at five. He has to go.

He alerts Ben to the situation and they begrudgingly agree to call the game a tie. Together, they walk out the back door, into the yard. “See you tomorrow,” says Benji, as he opens the gate and walks into the alley.

Barry opens the door to the garage. His parents’ car is not there. Odd, he thinks. Barry walks back across the lawn, through the kitchen, and into the living room. He looks out the front windows onto the street. The car is nowhere to be seen. He opens the front door, walks to the sidewalk, looks both ways. The car is... gone. Barry panics. He calls the police and reports the car stolen.

An hour and a half later, Barry’s mother gets off of the bus in front of Barry’s high school and walks two blocks to her house. She opens

the front door and storms through the living room looking for Barry. The phone rings, she stops and picks it up. The police have located her stolen car, parked two blocks from the scene of the crime, beside a high school. No signs of damage.

The next day, Barry and Benji sit together in block D. Classmate, Yoku Kiraguchi has the handwriting of an adult and loves the thrill of vicariously fucking with authority. She provides the boys with forgeries of sick notes, excusing them from the classes which they had skipped the previous day. Satisfied with the perfect crime, Barry rises from his desk and goes to the bathroom. Alone, Benji takes the forgery off of Barry’s desk and throws it in the garbage. With a new piece of paper, he rewrites the note, folds it, and places it exactly as the original had been before. Barry returns from the bathroom, the bell rings, and block D ends.

He walks to block E, and presents his teacher with the new note.

“Who wrote this?” asks Mrs. Tuncy.

“My mother” responds Barry.

Mrs. Tuncy frowns, then reads aloud, “To whom it may concern, Please excuse Barrington Delworthy’s absence from class on Wednesday, May 12th. He could not be in school because he was engaged in a prolonged masturbation session with his brother Craig.

With love, Mrs. Delworthy.”

HOROSCOPES: dr. Ian super LEO Unfortunately for you, your birth month coincides with the ignition of the 27-km-long Large Hadron Collider (LHC). We’re all familiar with particle accelerators and their quest to answer questions about dark matter, multiple dimensions, and why Madonna hasn’t been called back to the planet SuckWhore, but they also could destroy the Earth! Fear not, paranoia is just poorly wielded confidence.Take charge. Go to the LHC and jump in the beam.You could get amazing powers like in Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, or maybe even like Scott Bakula in Quantum Leap you’ll be able to travel through time solving moderately trivial problems.

Exciting! Send Me Money.

VIRGO Last month’s upsetting of the applecart doesn’t have the reaching consequences you thought it might. Don’t get cocky; your CSI analysis of the crime scene wasn’t very professional. Lie low and transform your panic room into a nursery. Congratulations! Send me your old panic room.

LIBRA The Love Apartments have a new vacancy.

Bribe the reclusive landlord and the place is yours!

It’s a studio, but that’s okay; you’ll want to be intimate with your new smooch anyway. Where is he/ she? Don’t despair, self-love is equally rewarding.

Wash your hands and send me money.

SCORPIO Lord Byron is known to have had a human skull goblet to shock his friends at parties. Ah, the whimsy. Your thirst for decadence and mischief may be a call to arms for others.Tread softly around lovers. Wearing white after Labour Day will stun all into acceptance of your crass ungodly ways! Send me Lord Byron’s estate money.

CAPRICORN Spend, spend, spend like there’s no tomorrow. You want that new car? Buy it. New shoes? Get ‘em. Adult slip ‘n’ slide? Hell yes. This

AQUARIUS This month you play the role of a fisherman’s wharf. When you’re not getting shit on, gross smelly dudes are going to use you, possibly covering you in blood and scales, but most definitely in stink. You’ll change and everyone will say that you could have made better decisions.

Send me money.

PISCES Life is sweet. Like a bite into a Georgia peach that dribbles down your chin. Call past bullies and abusive relatives and lie about the successes in your life; they don’t know that you didn’t start MySpace. Refer to Rupert Murdoch as “The Rupe” and they’ll be fooled. Send me Fox News.

ARIES Uh Oh! PMS month… Non-gender-specific, you’ll bust out gems like,“Don’t jizz in a jar and tell me it’s Yop.” and,“Why would I take you out, when I just want to tape your mouth.” Get on the real talk express or you’re outskis. Send me money.

TAURUS As you laugh at other people’s miseries you might realize that you are better than everyone. Go with it. Stomp the meek, pirate copyrighted music, and blatantly steal. When you’re in jail you’ll set up a successful Maury Povich “Is he the Daddy?” gambling ring. Balls. Send me money.

Dr. Ian Super is a Gr and Shaman of Mysti cism. He knows you r innermost secrets, but feels okay not talkin g about it unless you bring the matter up . As he often says, “Th e answers are in the Starssss!”

GEMINI German techno is not rad. Your voice screams “Das Jams” while your heart realizes that Yacht Rock is your houseboat. Set sail. The trade winds equal spices from round the horn the likes of which you’ve never seen! Barter bullion for saffron.

Don’t judge or look back. Send me saffron.

CANCER Do you feel like you’re the last one watching MuchMusic? Do you purchase magazines with “kissable pinups”? Mars is in your wtf and brings about change, we all hope. Your emotions about the Jonas Brothers are close to the surface. Bury them! Send me the Jonas Brothers’ money.

ION MAGAZINE

SAGITTARIUS Sorry Sagittarius, but you’ve lived a lie long enough. Us horoscopers call you “Sags,” and we laugh while we make up your “reading.” It’s not that we don’t like you; just bring something to the table every now and then. Your lucky numbers are five, seven, eight, and niner.

month is the tops! Enjoy it while you can. Sorry to say your long-term horoscope is one of financial hardships. Send me that goddamn slip’n’ slide.

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TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS

HOROSCOPES

COMICS

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DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH