ION Magazine issue 53

Vol 6 Issue 53 • FREE

YEAR IN MUSIC WINTER FASHION COOPERS’ CAMERA TITTSWORTH

CabanaRacer In 1981, when style meant sweatbands and velour v-necks, Puma cut through with a lightweight runner made to race. Christened the Cabana Racer and aimed at the most serious of runners, this shoe was built close to the ground to strengthen every muscle, yet with breathable cushioning for miles. Decades later, we’re authentically re-issuing this classic to cover new ground. So go ahead and run like always.

fly53.com

TABLE OF CONTENTS 8 Editor’s Letter Why don’t you call me that to my face!?

12 Of The Month Christmas movies starring the Flaming Lips, Television shows about Green Man and games where you battle subterranean monsters with chainsaws on their guns.

16 Of The Minute Crappy holiday sweaters... the gift that keeps on being re-gifted.

46 Tales Of Ordinary Madness Sam has taken to writing about lesbians hooking up. He must not have been laid in a while.

47 Horoscopes Parker Bossley from Fake Shark Real Zombie writes the horoscopes like he plays the bass... rude and obnoxious.

48 Comics

CULTURE 18 Troy Lovegates We try to interview a talented young artist and instead of answering our questions he sends us a short story with no grammar. Not only is this a first for this magazine, but Other will be replacing Sam Kerr in the new year.

FASHION 20 Ski School Cool fashion for the slopes this winter.

22 Come As You Are Fashion editorial shot by Jody Rogac and styled by Toyo Tsuchiya.

film 30 Coopers’ Camera This interview turned out to be way more homo-erotic than we’d intended.

MUSIC 34 Red Bull Music Academy The only shitty thing about the Red Bull Music Academy this year is they wouldn’t fly the editor in chief to Spain along with the music editor. Cheap bastards!

36 Tittsworth Are we the only people who giggle everytime we hear this guy’s name?

38 Music of the Year It’s that time of the year where we stroke our music writers’ fragile egos and let them pretend to be tastemakers for four pages. Regularly scheduled verbal and physical abuse resumes in January.

42 Poster Art: Floating World A floating world is easier to find in an atlas than Newfoundland.

ION Magazine Publisher Editor in Chief Art Director

Volume 6 Number 9 Issue 53 Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca

Fashion Editor Vanessa Leigh fashion@ionmagazine.ca Film Editor Michael Mann film@ionmagazine.ca Music Editor Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Editorial Interns Samantha Langford, Patricia Matos Copy Editor Steven Evans Photo Editor Fiona Garden photos@ionmagazine.ca Designer Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Designer Dept. Intern Aina Kawamoto Office Manager Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Office Intern Valerie Tiu Advertising

Paul Ellis paul@ionmagazine.ca Jenny Goodman jenny@ionmagazine.ca

Writers: Parker Bossley, Bix Brecht, Chad R. Buchholz, Joseph Delamar, Stefana Fratila, Sam Kerr, Emily Khong, Samantha Langdorf, Patricia Matos, Jules Moore, Clayton Pierrot, Kellen Powell, Dr. Ian Super, Valerie Tiu, Amber Turnau, Natalie Vermeer Photographers and Artists: Toby Marie Bannister, Tania Becker, Caitlin Callahan, Simon Clarke, Mila Franovic, Michael Gilbert, Shannon Hoover, Taylor James, Kris Krug, Brenndan Laird ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials.

All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2008 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff.

High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but they’re no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, Wiis, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below.

3rd Floor, 300 Water Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 1B6 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 feedback@ionmagazine.ca Cover Credits: Photography: Fiona Garden at NOBASURA.COM Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya at Judy Inc. Model: Kesi at RADKIDS Hair: Tania Becker - Moods Salon // NOBASURA.com Makeup: Jenny Kanavaros at Judy Inc. Kesi is wearing: Gray multi color toque - Holden Cream graphic tee - Ruby Republic Pale green waffle long sleeve top - American Appare

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

still printing Words Michael Mann Photography Toby Marie Bannister

ION MAGAZINE 8

We’ve reached the end of another eventful year at ION. There was laughter, tears, embarrassing mistakes, finger pointing and fist fights. All par for the course. This magazine is still a learning experience for most involved and the only way you really learn is to fuck up royally. The learning was hindered on more than one occasion by copy editors, designers, ad sales people, writers, the office manager, photographers and the Fed-Ex delivery guy... basically everyone except me. Time after time, these outspoken adversaries of learning kept kiboshing potentially great ideas like sticking the wrong issue number or a teenager with an AK-47 on the cover. Instead we got the teenager to review Sebastien Tellier’s softcore porno soundtrack and thankfully no one complained.

Other people complained, though, and to be honest I enjoy a good piece of hate mail. If you email me and call me a cocksucker, chances are I’ll come up with a pretty decent retort. Like, “Why don’t you start your own magazine, asshole!” Or “Come to the office and say it to my face, pussy!”

Some stylist wrote us an angry email saying we suck then, subtly alluded that the magazine would improve if we hired her. We didn’t end up hiring her and the last time I asked around, she was still

unemployed as a stylist but can put a pretty wicked heart made of foam on your latte at the cafe down the block. Then there was the crazy guy who sent us an actual letter calling us “a bunch of bitches.”

What really made this letter great is it was sent in an envelope you’d use to make a deposit at a Royal Bank cash machine. Sadly, the only return address on the envelope was for an RBC in Toronto so I was unable to challenge this person to start their own magazine.

If you are thinking about starting your own magazine, I would encourage you to think again.

It’s not all fun, games and free jeans. Sometimes you will have to listen to a marketing manager recite the entire history of her company before you get the free jeans. You also have deadlines, which pretty much suck.The stress of perpetually having a deadline loom over your head means there will be clumps of your disgusting, unwashed, matted hair that you’ve pulled out all over the cheap laminate floor of your crappy apartment.

We didn’t always hit deadlines this year and I appreciate your patience. When the magazine was late on the streets, it was usually because some dog owner made us wait too long for the 50 word writeup about their beloved beast. When the magazine hit the streets on time, we still

received the pet writeup late but were able to bribe the factory in the nether regions of The People’s Republic of China that prints our magazine into bumping us ahead of The Workers Daily. You now know why we devoted a whole issue to Chairman Mao... we were hoping you’d think that issue was about Shepard Fairey and Obey. Our staff really stepped up their game to help pull that one off.

Because our staff is so amazing and prevents me from looking like a complete jackass, I happily write a lot of glowing reference letters.These letters almost always include the line “so-and-so is a bastion of hard work and creativity.” Sometimes I’ll use the word ‘beacon’ instead of ‘bastion’ depending on how I am feeling that day. I use that line a lot and it’s not simply because I’m lazy (guilty as charged). It’s because I truly believe this is the case for everyone who is involved with this magazine. Sadly, I don’t think one of these reference letters has ever successfully landed someone a job.

So please continue to read, enjoy and support this magazine next year. If not we’ll go out of business and I don’t know what the hell we’ll all do then. My reference letters clearly aren’t doing anyone any favours.

EDITOR’S LETTER

coal headwear Photography Taylor James taylorjamesphoto.blogspot.com

ION THE PRIZE

When the ION office freezes over come mid-October, our dear office manager proclaims her lack of warmth. The solution? To wrap her oversized scarf around her head. Luckily, the folks at Coal Headwear save the day with their toasty warm toques. Serving up warm,

FASHION

woolly accessories for men and women, Coal offers every variation of the beanie that you can think of – flaps, buttons, visors, and pompoms included. They also provide arm and neck warmers and unique somethings called The B.E.B. (aka The Best Ever Balaclavas) and V-Neck Gators. Enter to win a Coal Headwear

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Models: Willow and Anna

prize at ionmagazine.ca.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH ION MAGAZINE 12

dvd DVD DVD Dvd It’s Always The Edge THE DARK Christmas Sunny in of Heaven KNIGHT on mars filmmaker Fatih Akin Have you heard of this movie yet?

Christmas on Mars, the sci-fi epic Philadelphia German-born intersperses Turkish-German civil Apparently it did quite well this the Flaming Lips have been working unrest as a common thread that ties summer. That’s mainly because on for about a decade, has finally Season 3 together six characters in an emoION took the summer off and evarrived on DVD. Shot mostly in lead To call this show “Seinfeld on crack” is a huge understatement. The characters on FX’s cult success are egomaniacal and borderline psychotic.

Without an inherent, continual plotline, cozying up to The Gang and their unbelievable exploits is easy.

Taking place in Paddy’s pub, the dysfunction continues with a slew of even more politically incorrect gems as the gang find themselves dealing with sweatshops, Fatty McGoo, dumpster babies, and retarded boyfriends. Don’t worry, liking it doesn’t make you a bad person.

tion-wracked seesaw of mind games and what-if scenarios. A prostitute’s death leads to a seemingly isolated chain of events that forever alters their lives; they are connected, yet never truly align. Even more unsettling is the pace at which the film is carried out: intense and almost still. It’s an intentional feeling set to this unnerving film that won Best Screenplay at Cannes.

eryone who works here saw it a dozen times. If you can get over Maggie Gyllenhaal’s face, which is more horrifying than Two Face’s face, prepare to enjoy one of the greatest summer blockbusters ever made. So much happens in this film, you’ll wish it was two hours longer. Let the speculation about who will be the bad guy in the next one begin, if it hasn’t already. We’re guessing Egghead.

singer Wayne Coyne’s backyard, the film stars members of the band and other assorted Oklahomans as pioneering astronauts trying to keep their space station from coming apart at Christmas. It’s sort of a cross between 2001: A Space Odyssey, a child’s science fair project and a psychedelic freak-out. Though the dialogue, acting and pacing are uniformly terrible, the enthusiasm, as with all Lips projects, is first rate.

Also, the deluxe edition comes with popcorn and a t-shirt!

watch them form. watch them unravel.

EDITOR’S LETTER ION THE PRIZE OF THE MONTH

Game GEARS OF WAR 2 It’s the game you’ve been waiting two years for. Once again, you are Marcus Fenix and it’s time to continue the battle against the subterranean monsters known as The Locust who have decimated the planet. Lucky for you, you have a machine gun with a chainsaw on the end of it. Seriously, running up to a monster and chainsawing it to death never gets boring. It’s even more fun when you’re doing it to your (internet) friends in online play.

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Pet fin Fin used to be named Finn, as in Finnegan, but there are too many Finnegans in this country, mostly because of Ernie “Mr. Dressup” Coombs, God rest his soul. Now he’s just “Fin” as in the end of a pretentious film, and why shouldn’t he have an awesome Hollywood moniker? He stole the show in one of this issue’s photoshoots, and composed himself like a proper puppy should.

His owner/wrangler Adele Devuyst should be pretty proud of him, but should also be aware that he’s going to out-grow her soon and sign with a bigger firm. Fin likes Mariah Carey, not just because she sings in canine-only octaves, but also because he’s a tit man. Send your pet pictures to pet@ionmagazine.ca to have them immortalized in print.

Gray Christmas pajamas - Barking Babies www.barkingbabies.com Gold and rhinestone collars - Barking Babies www.barkingbabies.com

CONTRIBUTOR Contributor samantha Mike Gilbert Gilbert is a Vancouverlangdorf Michael based illustrator who has worked Born and raised on a bull stud in Billings, Montana, Samantha spent the first six years of her life assisting her grandmother with clerical work around the office, which mainly consisted of typing non-descript lines of text on the spare typewriter and eating all of the donuts from the break room.

She recently decided to put all those early years of writing to good use and has gone back to school to study the lucrative world of magazine publishing. In her spare time she writes for ION and attempts to craft cleverlyworded biographies while staring deliriously at the computer screen at 2 a.m.

on a range of different mediums.

Recently, Michael collaborated with artists Kool Keith and Jakob Dylan, and was involved in The 7th Veil, a record that features final appearances from the late Ike Turner and Rick James. Painting is a new pastime; however, Michael most loves drawing with inks. He can’t really stand computers and feels that they are overused in the arts, from illustration to music. Currently, he is working on a children’s cartoon and his first CD, a doublealbum CD produced by longtime friend/Vancouver producer Rob “Karl Edward” Koch. For freelance inquiries please write to mgilbert1983@ gmail.com

CULTURE

OF THE MINUTE

FASHION

Photography Brenndan Laird Styling Toyo Tsuchiya at Judy Inc. (7) (2)

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(5)

(4) (3) (9)

Cam: (1) Red polar bear sweater - True Value Vintage (2) White collared button up - H&M www.hm.com (3) Black slacks - Joe www.joe. ca (4) Craig: Blue snowflake sweater - True Value Vintage (5) White collared button up H&M www.hm.com (6) Khaki slacks - Joe www.joe.ca (7) Santa hat - Sears www.sears. ca (8) Brown leather slip ons - Steve Madden at Gravity Pope www.gravitypope.com (9) Fin: Santa outfit - Barking Babies www.barkingbabies.com

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Models: Craig Anderson , Cam MacLeod & Fin (8)

bronxcheercomedy.com // manhussy.ca

Additional Credits: Hair & Makeup - Shannon Hoover at Liz Bell Agency | Assistant to Brenndan Laird: Ronnie Abelada | Assistant to Toyo Tsuchiya:Mahsa Pazhouh

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Eastside Distribution: 1 (800) 419.8491

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THE OTHER MAN TROY LOVEGATES Words Samantha Langdorf Modern graffiti has a distinct history as an artistic expression for protest and rebellion. Established through the tags that emerged on the subways and buildings of Seventies New York, this intricate art form established a unique presence on the city’s streets.

Fast forward to the Nineties. Many graffiti artists had solidified positions in galleries across the world. Graffiti was busy reinventing itself with new forms and techniques, and perhaps most significantly a new name: “street art.” Artists such as Shepard Fairey, Ed Templeton, and Barry McGee successfully made the transition from the streets to the galleries, paving the way for many of the artists who came after them. Today, street art remains an undeniable force in the gallery world.

The street and the gallery are two diverse domains for an artist’s work, each with their own set of benefits and drawbacks. Many street artists today have successfully established a place for themselves in each of these domains. Canadian Troy Lovegates–aka Derek Mehaffey, aka Other–is one of these highly skilled artists.

Lovegates began painting on the streets around 1988 after noticing graffiti on the buildings in Toronto that would magically appear overnight.

Also around this time he developed a love for rail travel, therefore it was natural for him to begin displaying his art on trains. His rail work became part of a nomadic culture that stretches as far back as the 1800s.Transients, train workers, and soldiers originally developed the tradition of inscribing their names on the trains they used to roam around the country. Many of the tags that remain on trains still in use today, but now new forms of art have been added to the boxcar walls as well.

Lovegates’ train work consists mainly of black and white outline portraits with exaggerated facial features. Some of the more complex pieces resemble his street murals which are large-scale, multimedia paste-ups created in his studio and then adhered to outdoor surfaces under the guise of nighttime. His train pieces are influenced by

many uncontrollable factors, all of which add to the urgency of the art form. Often times there are people working in the train yards which makes it difficult to focus on one piece for too long. And then there is the weather to consider. Working outside on a Canadian winter night poses a whole other set of obstacles to overcome.

In order to fund his train work, Lovegates exhibits his art in galleries. To date, he has painted pieces and had art shows in Taipei,Tokyo, Paris, Dublin, San Francisco, Los Angeles, Austin, Detroit, Montreal, Toronto, Dublin, Barcelona, Lima and many more cities around the world. His international work has occupied many canvases, from gallery walls to a projection on the side of the Romanian Palace of the Parliament, the largest building in Europe.

A quick internet search of Lovegates yields a Flickr page full of images and a few brief interviews with sparse details about his life and his art. After my initial attempt to set up a phone interview he told me that wouldn’t work because he doesn’t actually have a phone. I then emailed him a list of questions that I unfortunately didn’t get any responses to. Lovegates, who is a veteran of the interview process, decided to reimagine the traditional question and answer format with a short biographical story.

So, here it is. The story of Troy Lovegates in his own words.

Supposedly when troy lovegates was just a baby... just able to mutter and babble his first words… he suddenly said a full sentence out of nowhere… just one line… ”I was an artist in my last life and I am going to be one in this life too… his mother’s jaw dropped… where had this come from? She went out and bought hundreds of dollars worth of art supplies and placed them all over the baby geniuses room.. there they sat stagnant and dusty for years until they were sold one spring in a garage sale to kids that cared….

Troy lovegates grew into a pubescent annoying skateboarder and traveled from town to town in search of new spots to smash his board

against…in these big North American cities he saw scribbles… repetitive names… markings… he didn’t quite understand how these people got away with these paintings on everything… on subways and trucks and walls… so to find out where these people were… he started painting too… from these terrible marks with sharpies in his high school hallways to all the skatespots in Toronto… over twenty years his work grew and became more destructive more detailed… finally reaching across whole cities whole continents… traveling by train… traveling on the sides of boxcars through the night… rusty old relics… the old clickity clack of the rail system… he grew up… graffiti grew up and became a terrible trend monster… a horrible fake advertising trend monster… he made paintings on the side to sell in galleries… trying to make a different world… but the galleries only ever pitched him as a graffiti artist because the story was so exciting… the story sold… they never believed in the work to stand as its own… troy lovegates was lucky because he was born into the graffiti world in Canada before it was a marketing tool… before kids did graffiti with the intention of getting into galleries… he loved graffiti for what it is a destructive terrible quick game… something to get away with… a sport of getting away with things… jumping fences… getting chased by police… anger… love… drinking in an alley and fucking around…

Now in the day Troy paints on found objects and makes prints… it is his job… it pays the rent and it is also good practice for his real love… those nights deep deep in between train lines… not a care… drawing on things just for the hell of it… just because it feels right.

Lovegates is currently working on a hand- printed book of multicolor linoleum prints. His work can be purchased through the Brooklynite Gallery and Carmichael Gallery. www.brooklynitegallery.com www.carmichaelgallery.com

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HEATING UP WINTER slope style

Words Amber Turnau Photography Taylor James taylorjamesphoto.blogspot.com Styling Heidi Farnola resetfashion.blogspot.com

There was a time when a one-piece on the slopes would have generated snickers from the chairlift or would have been one hilarious costume to wear to an Eighties themed après-ski party. But this season, the one-piece continues its ascent to coolness. Thankfully, it’s not quite so tight and tapered this time around.

For the 2008-2009 winter season, snow sport companies, both big and small, have continued to trend towards wacky patterns, all-over prints, and bright colours. After all, staying warm and dry doesn’t have to come at the expense of style. We all want to stand out against the white backdrop of winter.

“By putting style first without sacrificing technical function, Burton Women’s outerwear offers a collection that girls and women like so much, they’ll wear it off the hill as much as they do on the hill,” says Katie Bedwell, senior product manager for Burton Women’s Outerwear. “What we really love most are the rich fabrics, wild prints, pop colours, and fresh silhouettes that throw new spins on technical outerwear, delivering style that goes beyond the chairlift.”

She predicts that the most popular women’s outerwear for the season will be Burton’s Veil one-piece, and the Dream and Lush jackets, among other items.

“We’re also evolving our print offering, bringing all-over prints to the level that lives at the level after next level,” adds Colin Alger product manager, Burton Men’s Outerwear. His predictions for popular Burton men’s gear are the one-piece and Gore-Tex denim products.

You may want to go one step further and check out the Burton AK jackets this season, which feature neon blues, yellows and pinks.

Amidst all of the flash this season, eco-

friendly outwear is making its way onto the ski and snowboard scene. The race for sustainable winter wear started in December 2007 when Burton launched its eco-friendly line, The Green Mountain Project (GMP). Pro rider Nicolas Müller was one of the first Burton riders to sport the line of outerwear and layers, which features recycled fabrics and ecofriendly weatherproofing technology.

This winter, Quiksilver has launched its own Eco Friendly Outerwear Collection—a signature series designed by pro rider Travis Rice; arguably one of the best snowboarders in the world and a green advocate. This line features fabrics derived from recycled water and soda bottles, hemp threads, non-toxic dyes and a special “green” weatherproofing coating from Switzerland. Earlier this year, the company also launched a recyclable watch called The Ray. Roxy, Quiksilver’s female counterpart, is also going green this winter with its Greenprint collection. Expect Roxy’s signature bubblegum colours in polka dot, plaid, zigzag, bubbles and even cheetah print. They also have a couple killer women’s one-pieces.

As if neon colours and hemp jackets weren’t enough, DC has burst onto the winter scene this year with its “Glow in the Park” collection. The gear is made of weatherproof material that reflects during the day and glows in the dark for up the three hours at night—now that’s one trippy après scene. Guys can check out the Servo jacket and Banshee pants, while chicks can glow too with the Data jacket and Ace pants.

Now I’ve listed a whole bunch of megasnow companies, but it’s time to highlight an emerging mountain-inspired clothing line with a unique twist. Voleurz, which started off as a

film production company, is one of Canada’s hottest new adrenaline-fueled clothing lines.

While they don’t do outerwear, they certainly embody the ski and snowboard culture and know how to design a very enticing hoody.

The website says it all: “In a rundown basement among paint fumes and stencils, a t-shirt was made; an idea formed. In 2003, Voleurz was born, and now in ‘08, we’re launching our first collection. Voleurz is none too serious.

It’s bright and it’s fun, for we are alchemists working with high fives and a boundless creativity.”

Bruce Giovando and Harvey Li are the creative minds behind the Voleurz clothing line, which recently debuted in select shops in Canada. This is strange case of egg before the chicken. Initially the clothing line was developed as promotional merchandise to support the Voleurz snow, skate and mountain bike films produced in Victoria, BC. Now designed in Squamish, the clothing has almost become its own entity within the company and has its own cult following amongst trend-setters in the ski and snowboard industry. They use the clothing to promote the films and vice versa: genius.

This winter’s Voleurz film, Outdoor Education, is a refreshing take on the traditional ski/ snowboard film. Offering up a colourful and candid montage of lifestyle highlights in between epic skiing and riding shots, The film features everything from a guy riding starkers to a rail session in front of the Vernon courthouse. Between their clothing catalogue and the film, this crew knows how to work humour into just about every aspect of their image.

Check out their clothes in BC, Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and Ontario. Check out their film teasers at voleurz.com

On Amanda Lady Windsor Jacket-Burton White Series | Lady Windsor`Pant- Burton White Series | Crocheted hat-Roxy On Scott Stagger Jacket- Burton AK Series|Stagger Pant- Burton AK Series|Hat- Quicksilver | Goggles- Spy

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COME AS YOU ARE

Fashion Direction - Vanessa Leigh | Photography - Jody Rogac | Styling - Toyo Tsuchiya at Judy Inc. | Make-Up - Caitlin Callahan for NOBASURA.com using M.A.C | Models - Margot at Liz Bell Agency & Michael at John Casablancas | Styling Assistants - Mahsa Pazhouh & Valerie Tiu

Cream knitted scarf - Larry. | Gray cable knit cardigan - Stylist’s own | Floral dress - Vintage | Cream gloves - Army & Navy | Bleached denim jeans - Matix | Motorcycle boots - Dayton

Black fedora - Ken Diamond Mega Destroyers | Bleached denim vest - Split | Black jersey dress - Parasuco | Black gloves - Army & Navy | Tights - stylist’s own | Lace up boots - John Fluevog

Navy toque - Army& Navy | Black and gray check zip up - Emerica | Red tie dye tee - Blind | Brown jeans - Emerica

Black toque - Lrg | Brown check flannel jacket - Vintage | Blue check tee - Fenchurch | Gray trousers - Fenchurch

Margot: Cashmere cardigan - Stylist’s own | Gray flannel top - American Apparel | Printed dress - WESC | Cream gloves - Army & Navy | Tights - Stylist’s own

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“My best Christmas ever? Any Christmas I wasn't beaten.” – Jason Jones

CHRISTMAS IS CANCELLED COOPERS’ CAMERA Words Michael Mann All too often with Canadian comedies you’re forced to say a movie is funny with the qualifier “for a low budget Canadian production.” Odd for a country that has a long track record of turning out some of Hollywood’s funniest and most successful comedians.

This is not the case with Cooper’s Camera. True, it’s a low budget Canadian production, but it’s brilliant and funny, no qualifiers necessary. Starring The Daily Show wife-husband duo Samantha Bee and Jason Jones, along with Billable Hours star Mike Beaver, the film follows the most world’s most dysfunctional family on Christmas in 1985, all told from the perspective of the family’s handheld video camera.

Gord Cooper (Jones) lets his sex-obsessed neighbour (Kids in the Hall’s Dave Foley) pay back a debt by giving Cooper a used video camera, which in turn becomes the big Christmas gift for Cooper family. Gord’s wife Nancy (Bee) is not impressed, as she was hoping to get tickets to the greatest place on earth, Orlando. An already funny movie becomes the most dysfunctional family Christmas ever when the mullet and handlebar mustache-sporting Uncle Nick (Beaver), the Nigerian mail-order-bride-dating Aunt Joan and the estrangedfor-17 years Uncle Tim all arrive. Fortunately for the viewer, the youngest of the two Cooper children takes hold of the camera and films the day’s events, which includes a lot of awful gift giving (a watermelon?) and an awful lot of drinking and fighting.

I had a chance to sit down with writer/stars Jason Jones and Mike Beaver, as well director as Warren P Sonoda, to talk about the film, Christmas and Dave Foley’s ass.

Would a big budget have helped?

Warren: You know what it was? It was just

Why did you guys decide to take the handheld verité approach?

Jason Jones: It’s just how we wrote it. We decided on the format before we decided on the story. We were watching Mike’s home videos.... sorry, Mike was forcing us to watch his home videos and we were like, “Wouldn’t it be great if we took the best moments of all these videos and made a movie of that.” That was kind of the first idea. We talked about our similar stories, our Christmas stories, our birthdays and whatnot and combining elements that way.

Mike: Funny enough, some of the scenes in the movie are still from that original video tape. It was little moments, the sisters and the kids, the way they’re moving around and talking and cooking. The side you knew was real was what we translated into the script.

Jason: The story was the archetype of both our families. Two parents who shouldn’t be together... don’t print that.

Whose family is the story closest to?

Mike: I’d say mine.

Jason: Character-wise, it’s closest to Mike because he has two brothers. I had a brother and a sister. The core story really had nothing to do with our families.

Mike: The story was manufactured. On a normal Christmas, every family has a separate team. I don’t think it varies too much from family to family.

ION MAGAZINE

What made you guys want to do a low budget Canadian comedy?

Mike: Yeah, we really wanted to do that.

Warren: It was a very conscious choice. We could have done a big budget American blockbuster, but we were like “No, no, no, we don’t need anything more than $50 and this case of Canadian.”

expediency. Jason and Mike wrote the script and they asked if I’d like to make it. I said, “I’d love to, but it’s a Christmas movie and we have to do it in the winter.”

Mike: It had snow but we wrote into your script that it didn’t have snow. Because, even in Canada, you don’t know if it’s gonna snow anymore.

Warren: More importantly, with everyone’s schedules, I only had them for two weeks. So the reason why we decided to do it this way is because we could. There was no other way.

Mike: We lucked out because of the crew, the actors, how everyone just nailed every single take... we didn’t take too long on each scene. It was a tight schedule and we just lucked out. The stars aligned and everyone stepped up.

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Jason, did you learn anything about your wife Samantha Bee by playing her husband onscreen?

Jason: I learned that if we ever get 10% of that couple in us, it’s time to break up. No. The question that comes up the most is, “They say you write what you know. Is this what you know?”

For some reason I always write these doughty put-upon wives for Sarah to play... and that’s cuz she is.

Are you comfortable in a lead role, cuz normally you’re a supporting guy.

Jason: I like supporting roles. I like the roles that you do and are cut out before you even shoot them.

My specialty is getting cast and then getting on plane to go shoot it and then them saying when you get off the plane, “Oh, we cut your role.” Those are the roles you want. No, it’s great. No one’s giving me any parts in Hollywood. Write it for yourself and come up here and do it.

Warren: That’s where Mike and Jason really took the bull by the horns. They weren’t waiting around for someone to give them a movie to do. It was out of that necessity to be creative.

I’m glad we were able to do Coopers’ Camera because these guys should be in more movies... way more movies and they will.

Jason: As long as we write them.

the one big present, was a VCR. My dad was trying to explain to us what it was cuz we didn’t really know what it was. “It’s a VCR!” My brother lost it. He was like,“This is awful. This is the worst Christmas ever.” It brought a real sour onto the whole day. Then we started watching movies.

Warren: He bought you movies?

Mike: He rented them. Of course he didn’t buy us movies.

Warren: They were like $100.

Jason: “Ninety-nine dollars! What the fuck?”

Mike: But that was the worst Christmas because my brother complained and whined and it was awful.

Dave Foley has a remarkable ass.

Warren: It was for real. It was all him.

Was he very open to the idea of exposing his ass on screen?

Warren: He had no idea he was going to do nudity. He offered it. Mike and Jason wrote it in as this sex-obsessed neighbour. Dave’s the one that said, “If he’s sex-obsessed then he should be having sex, with no clothes on.”

Would it be fair to say then that Dave Foley offers the ass?

Mike: Yeah, he offers the ass.

Jason: It was actually contractual that he has to perform pantsless. It’s a weird thing.

“After I read the hermaphrodite Lysol suicide scene, I said ‘I have to make this movie.’” – Warren P Sonoda

Let’s talk about Christmas. What was your happiest Christmas moment ever? Or unhappiest?

Warren: My brother stayed up all week for me making this model war set. I was like 10 years old. My family gave that to me along with a Super-8 camera. So we made little movies.

Mike: Mine are more the sour memories. One Christmas that I felt terrible at, we woke up in the morning and my parents got us a bunch of gifts.

But the big present they got us, there was always

Jason: My best Christmas ever? Any Christmas I wasn’t beaten. My Dad liked to make, well they were happy jokes in the end but they were cruel jokes in the middle. I wanted a drum set really badly. It was exactly like A Christmas Story. Final present behind the tree and it obviously wasn’t a drum set. He pulls it out and it was in a big box and I was like, “Oh maybe it is a drum set.”

I started opening it and there was another box inside. And another box inside. And another box inside.

Mike: Oh, that gag.

Jason: I got to the final box and it was just a little drum. He was like, “Sorry, I couldn’t afford it this Christmas.” I was like “Oh great, thanks.” I was miserable. Then he was like,“Hey come with me, I need you to help me get something in the basement.”

Mike: Awww...

Jason: And the drum set was downstairs.

Mike:That’s a father who loves you. My favourite Christmas is the one where my mom cut me a cheque for $200. And that’s a true story.

Jason: “Get some clothes, they’re terrible.”

This conversation always happens when I’m talking with three dudes.

Jason: He had a VERY large cameo.

Mike: Let’s go take a shower

guys!

Did you guys do all your own stunts?

Jason: Oh yeah, we did all our own stunts.

What’s the best way to take a convincing punch in the nuts?

Mike and Jason: Tuck!

Was it difficult for you guys to act drunk for most of the movie?

Warren: There’s a lot of drinking in this movie Mike: We’ve done it a lot. It’s not the easiest thing to act convincingly so it’s still funny and still gonna generate laughs, but still subtle enough that you buy it. That line me and Jason are on is a tightrope.

Jason: It’s also weird in this movie because we start sober, accelerate to 100, hunch over a bit, crash, then get up again. It’s six days of drinking crammed into 16 hours.

Warren: Being exhausted for the entire shoot helped people get into the zone of being trashed.

Are you guys all whiskey men?

Warren and Jason: No. Mike: I used to collect the labels off the necks of Jack Daniels bottles and keep them in my wallet as badges of honour.“Look how much whiskey I’ve drank!” Like in high school you wanna be cool.“I’m a boozer. I’m gonna follow in my dad’s footsteps.

I’m so cool I drink JD straight.” I used to think I was Keith Richards in high school for a bit.

Jason: But not the rock part.

There’s a lot of crude humour but I was never grossed out.

Mike: You’re a sick man.

Well, to give you an example, I saw the new Kevin Smith movie and there’s a scene where Jason Mewes, rather graphically, gets his face crapped on. And that just disgusted me.

Jason: We try to capture the scatalogical or gross-out humour in an actual scene. It was literally like, “Hey, we’ve got this really dramatic scene, wouldn’t it be funny if it was on the toilet?”

Or he just told his son he’s a hermaphrodite as we’re sitting in front of a pile of puke after he just tried to kill himself with Lysol. Then he tries to clean it up with the Lysol he tried to kill himself with.

Warren: After I read the hermaphrodite Lysol suicide scene, I said I have to make this movie. If I shoot any one scene, this is the scene I do.

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What are some tips on giving a really good gift to somebody for Christmas?

Warren: Give something that you wanna get so if they don’t like it you can just take it back.

Jason: Truthfully, it’s listening to my wife and I never do it. They drop hints all year. You just gotta listen. But now I have an iPhone so I can write them down immediately. I never used to do that. Listen.

They do drop hints all year long and you just gotta collect those and go with one you can afford.

Mike: I’ve stopped doing it.

Jason: It’s just cash or a cheque?

Mike: No, no, no. My wife and I will go,“Christmas is coming up, do we wanna give gifts? Well we had that big dinner out last week so how about that was Christmas?” I get that from my family.

Christmas was fucking cancelled at Thanksgiving in 1995.

Jason: Christmas is cancelled.

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FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 34

DO MIX WITH ALCOHOL THE RED BULL MUSIC ACADEMY Words Trevor Risk Photography Pere Masramon/Red Bull Music Academy If you were to ask eight different people how they first heard about Red Bull, you’d most likely get eight different answers. Answers that will range from “drunk at a club, doing some shot that ends in the word ‘bomb’” to “Wipeout XL for the first Playstation.” Yes, Red Bull is an energy drink (which says right on the label “do not mix with alcohol” FYI) but it’s much more than that. It’s the most forward thinking marketing company in the world. You see, Red Bull knows that advertising has about as much life in it as Alan Greenspan. Just look at their ad campaign versus their marketing campaign. Television advertisements are often Tivo-ed these days, so Red Bull’s spots aren’t much more than a few squiggles and a vaguely British voice dub. On the marketing side, who amongst us hasn’t thought about entering their flying go-cart competitions every summer?

Remaining a privately owned company, there aren’t any shareholders to answer to when the wacky, community oriented publicity stunts are dreamed up, and the response has grown every year. The most ambitious, biggest, and awesome-est of these projects is clearly the Red Bull Music Academy.

In an attempt to give back to the music community that supported the company through its early years, Red Bull approached a young group of keen Germans 11 years ago to create what would become a triumph of investment in the young and creative. An academy that functions as A-level training for the best young musical talents from around the world, held in a different city every year. What it’s become is a shopping list for the musical daydreamer. Sixtyfour participants representing 36 nationalities.

Forty guest lecturers. Six interview hosts. Ten studio tutors. Twenty-two local artists featured in the Red Bull Music Academy art exhibition.

Fifty workshop sessions. Forty parties and live concerts in 20 clubs. And a daily FM Radio show live from the academy. All to stimulate the music

business from the ground up.

2008’s academy was held in Barcelona, in a refurbished turn-of-the-century textile factory. Under the hot sun of Catalonia, Red Bull Communications employee Lubor Keliar explains the mentality behind creating such a massive event. “You can spend millions on a golf tournament or you can develop an idea and build it from the ground up. You can own it essentially, and that’s what we’re doing with the music academy. It’s something that 10 years ago Red Bull realized that they were actually in the clubs supporting music in so many different ways, so why not become part of how that music is produced, get to know the talent. And for us it was an investment that made sense. We should develop this idea from the ground up and then we own it exclusively. Versus a golf tournament where you can put your name on there but you haven’t done anything to make that support happen, to make that experience happen other than funding it via dollars.”

Yes, the academy has benefits for Red Bull on a small marketing scale, but the clear beneficiaries are the participants. With past students like Spankrock’s Alex Epton (AKA Armani XXXChange) it’s clear that the primary payoff is not for Red Bull. The payoff is for the young artists who are essentially banging their heads against the wall trying to carve out a life in a tough business. Imagine being a young musical visionary, struggling to find a place to sit in the world and being flown to Barcelona to sit down with people like Sly and Robbie, and Bun B from UGK in the musical equivalent of Inside the Actor’s Studio... minus a James Lipton. And one of those lecturers is Chuck D from Public Enemy...

“I always thought it [the academy] was very interesting,” says Chuck, while juggling iced tea and potatoes. “On the cutting edge of musical schooling in the world. Red Bull realizes that for

young people, night culture, and music... music is important, nightlife is important, entertainment is important and they are gonna probably seek out Red Bull as one of the drinks of choice. The benefit [of bringing people from around the world together] is letting everybody know that they are not alone. That they have the common thread of musicology and knowing that there is rhyme and reason behind what they do and what people want and what people want to hear. We have a lot more similarities than differences. The last ten years have had a do-it-yourself culture and has reduced itself to do-it-alone culture and I don’t think that’s the motive. I think you should start it yourself, but collaborate along the line.”

Piper Davis, a Vancouverite songstress, with a style reminiscent of Lamb’s Fear of Fours album, was the Canadian content in Barcelona this year, and felt the pressure of North America’s constipated musical style lifted after just a few days at the compound. “Electronic music is a hell of a lot more popular over here, more accepted and more mainstream and more KINDS of electronic music. People are excited about techno, people are excited about instrumental hip hop... I mean stuff in Vancouver that would have people standing around with blank stares had people going crazy here.

Last summer I applied to a tonne of Canadian festivals and didn’t get into any of them except for Music Waste and here [Europe] I got into the Iceland Airwaves Music Festival, [the RBMA] and a Mercedes Benz mixtape thing which I didn’t even apply for. I think the fact that I can’t get into New Music West but I can get into everything here is definitely beneficial to me.

“The academy is completely attitude-less. It’s a complete exception to the rule of people in music scenes. I hate it when you meet someone that you click with creatively and they’re assholes.

Nobody here’s like that and it’s totally amazing that they were actually able to find people that

and people walk in through the doors with their record cases or whatever and they’re sitting in this lecture hall and they don’t really know what’s going to happen. I also love seeing a similarly puzzled look on their face when they realize that they’re actually doing something they didn’t even know they could do or usually do and they’re really enjoying it. This is the moment when they grab their hands and walk out of their comfort zones. I also like it when you see lecturers, team members, and participants get to a point where they’re sort of half-way hanging over a cliff and things can go terribly

wrong, because that’s usually when the most beautiful things happen. You begin to feel that they’ve left all this ego stuff aside and you get to the very core of what drives them.”

The Red Bull Music Academy is a cultural oasis in an industry that is historically sour and greedy. There’s no financial motive here. It’s one company’s philanthropic charge forward in the most fabulous way possible. The rest of the business world could take a major hint here: try creating artists instead of hiring them as spokespeople.

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just wanna make stuff.”

Piper’s observation about the focus and intentions of the participants isn’t a coincidence. With 2,276 applications from musicians, producers, and DJs in 83 countries, there’s a lengthy process in deciding who gets to experience the academy. Co-Founder Mani Ameri is a wholesome guy with lovely intentions, and makes certain that the academy is a place to develop talent that’s safe and unobtrusive.

Ironically, he told us this in a studio that was plastered (artistically) with Seventies porn.

“I love the moment when the academy starts,

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FILM MUSIC ION MAGAZINE 36

SUGAR TITS TITTSWORTH Words Dr. Ian Super Jesse Tittsworth is a ridiculously nice person.

I mean if you had problems with your parents back in the day and could convince him to come over for dinner, your Mom would tell you to be more like him. He’d be helping with the dishes for Christ sakes. In case you aren’t familiar, Tittsworth is the Baltimore DJ/producer/remix artist who’s at the top of his game and genre. Critics have been singing the praise of his debut album Twelve Steps, and he shows no sign of slowing down anytime soon.

I recently got the chance to chew the fat with Tittsworth and discovered that when you’re interviewing a globetrotting DJ there a few things that you can’t really touch on, for instance “Hey Tittsworth, do you remember the second hour of your set that you played with Ayers the last time that you were in Vancouver? What was the fourth song that you played?” Also, “What’s your favourite song… of all time?” So what, pray tell, do you talk about with aforementioned DJ? Why, ghost riding the whip, Krang from Ninja Turtles, fat pants and chicken sashimi of course. Oh, and we talked about his album Twelve Steps and music for a bit, too.

For Twelve Steps, Tittsworth worked with tons of different artists: Pitbull, DJ Assault, Kid Sister and The Federation to name a few. The question that everyone is clearly wondering is whether he got to ghost ride the whip with Federation?

“We joked that we would ghost ride into valet, but the trick would be to cut the car off and pitch the keys to the valet person with the car still moving.” Personally, I think that Mistah F.A.B. could spit bars for six minutes on that alone; a point Tittsworth conceded. Not being one to let a conversation about ghost riding stray from awesomeness, I mentioned that my first ghost ride was to Q. Lazarus’s “Goodbye Horses.” He promptly interrupted and informed me that he does in fact have a balti remix of the song, but strangely the timing has never worked out where he could suitably play it. “Silence of the Lambs,

changed that song for everybody.” Switching gears, we talked about blog culture which is one of the reasons for his success. “Blog culture has sped up the pace of which we chew things up and spit them out. The bad side to that is that we have flipped through so many subgenres quickly. The good thing being that I’m starting to see now is that the music that I like the most is a specific genre that can be easily pin pointed.”

Being a self-described “Old Raver,” I wondered whether the current club sound is a reflection of raving past, or a general evolution of sound.

The synths and breaks of old are definitely back, but he noted that there are 16-year-old kids with Ableton, not having the nostalgia for the rave days and the way that they are utilizing these samples is definitely fresh and exciting. It seems as though Tittsworth perceives the current music climate is that of a melting pot. I mean when was the last time you saw a Goa Trance DJ and that was all he played… smooth, sweet Goa Trance?

Speaking of Goa Trance, actually Tittsworth was more of a UK Hardcore and DnB fan. So did he wear fat pants? “There’s a photo me at a rave with a Teletubbies backpack with, like, 40-inch pant legs.” I felt like we were twins, except that at this time in his life his friends called him Krang, and unfortunately I couldn’t get that back story.

The life of a club DJ is a hard one. Tittsworth, now sober, knows this first hand. I asked him if naming his album Twelve Steps was a reference to his past issues with alcohol.“[Alcohol] doesn’t get discussed often in what we do it’s just that in talking to a lot of DJs and relating my story to some that have gone through similar ones, at the end of the day we’re entertainers and we want to make sure that everybody has a good time.

But, when club patrons are coming out to have a good time and it’s just that one night of the week for them, but then every night in every city adds up to everyday for us and then I’ve just seen so many of my peers’ lives get wrecked… As soon as I got that under control, my life started to shift

from just kind of dealing with consequences and circumstances, to being able to kind of see the bigger picture and kind of steer my life into a more positive direction.” Realizing my lack of tact in asking such a personal question, Tittsworth assured that it was not something he hesitates in discussing. It’s a side of the culture that people know, but don’t acknowledge. If you are some promoter and you think that you are doing the talent a favour by showing them a good time on a Tuesday night, it’s still Tuesday goddamn night and this guy has to be out in the morning to do it all over again. Tittsworth’s points about this pose the question, “How can so many DJs and bands function at 100% giv’er all the time?”

I decided that at this point we could talk about something that is close to both of our hearts... food. It is well documented that Tittsworth is a foodie who has managed to lose over 100 pounds in the last year. It is also well documented that I have a weight problem and have done little to stifle its progress. So what would a man who has eaten rattle snake hot dogs choose for his last meal? Ideally, it would be an Omikase by Chef Nobu Matsuhisa. Omikase is a Japanese meal in which you just set the price and let the chef do as he likes. ”If it’s my last dying meal and I empty out my entire bank account… I want to know what that tastes like.” Not to come across as a food snob he quickly footnoted, “If you told me that my consolation was my favourite fried chicken and a pile of doughnuts, I really wouldn’t be too upset as well. Popeye’s with honey and hot sauce.” I’ve decided that Tittsworth is the shit and after talking about crazy ethnic food for another 10 minutes we decide it’s time to sign off. Next time he’s in town he’ll bring the music, and I’ve got to find out who can get us chicken sashimi that won’t make us violently ill.

Twelve Steps is out now on Plant Music

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THE YEAR IN MUSIC THE BEST AND THE WORST

Illustration Michael Gilbert Photography Kris Krug­—staticphotography.com In the two thousand and eighth year of our Lord (our Lord being Frank Black we assume) the record stores and blogs were forced to have their respective heads on swivels. Jump Left: Frankmusik is releasing heart squeezing super hits like “In Step” and “3 Little Words.” Jump Right: Timbaland produces some emo band in an attempt to bring crappy white music to black people in what we’ll call “The Reverse Rick Rubin Effect.” Jump Left: The Ting Tings make an album composed entirely of singles and release a different song in every country. Jump Right: Usher wants to fuck us in the club, and MSTRKRFT appears to agree with him but curiously cuts the song up with the coda from “Layla” on the remix. It’s ever so much fun to put the tastemaker hat on for an afternoon, and that’s what ION’s music writers did. It’s more difficult than it seems. Question: is it okay to think Girlicious stinks, but to be completely in love with their bangs? The Jonas Brothers: marry, boff, kill? Wade through a year of grey areas with your grey matter and this is what you’ll come up with.

Cut Copy In Ghost Colours Chosen by Bix Brecht My little brother’s EP came out this year but he absolutely forbade me from telling you that The Good

Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks Real Emotional Trash Chosen by Patricia Matos Bands don’t jam anymore, do they? Not in the prog or artsy way—leave that to groups with trippy shirts and big hair. I’m talking quirky hooks and vibrant rock that turn into four-minute

spells of droning. This album is more together and succinct than much of what 2008 has seen, and without sacrificing the clever name dropping and biting wit that Malkmus classically peppers his lyrics with. No one is doing effortless complexity as well or as often as Malkmus.

Though arguably comparable to his self-titled solo debut, Real Emotional Trash stands out as Malkmus’ finest album and one of the year’s best.

Plants and Animals Parc Avenue Chosen by Joseph Delamar Plants and Animals brand of Prog-Folk has the ability to mildly transcend. With lush strokes the Montreal power-trio combat their ambition with enough space for every note and melody to develop intentionally. Parc Avenue, the band’s full-length debut, takes a long-shot and the ambition pays off. This is not a songwriter’s record, however, they’re too deliberate to be merely a jam-band. This is not a mood record either. The rock ‘n’ roll appears in the open, quiet spaces—wrestled out of the speakers like a morning fog breaking on the beach. Perhaps the best way to describe this album is what it’s not. Another is resorting to anecdotal similes.

Sounds like: Neil Young and Led Zeppelin playing cribbage with The Flaming Lips and Devendra

Banhart. It’s difficult to find fault in this record, which is why six months in it’s still got heavy rotation on my stereo.

Women S/T Chosen by Stefana Fratila Women are four men. Their selftitled debut proves a number of things: it is still possible to put out a brilliant record that is under 30 minutes, you can be in other bands and have the time to write compelling songs for each one of them and there is always space for instrumental hums and whirrs (even if they make up a third of the album). At times, Women reflect showers of guitar and outbursts of thumping percussion, creating a dense atmosphere of constant clamour (“Lawncare”).

Yet, in the midst of all this, there is “Group Transport Hall”; a song that reflects clear vocals and breezy acoustic guitar reminiscent of Kevin Barnes in his Cherry Peel era. It comes down to the Intensity Mastermind behind everything: Chad VanGaalen. He is the human-art-machine who recorded Women in his basement (among other unusual locations). Unmistakably, Chad’s presence is felt in the perfect placement of pearly lead tones and high-frequency piano keys that come in and make you say “Ooo! Qu’est-ce que c’est?” Women demonstrate lowfi—but with a very sharp edge.

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Best Albums

News EP was the best piece of music this year because he’s the music editor. ‘But dude!’ I protested, ‘it’s six songs worth of feel good, polished, melodic Dutch pop!’ ‘No way!’ he replied. Fine.

Then…uh…Cut Copy’s In Ghost Colours is the best album of the year. (Actually it’s Gza’s Pro Tools but I reviewed that last month).

In Ghost Colours is catchy, it’s dancey and it has some wicked bass lines. Also the singer reminds me of Gord Downie sometimes… the same way Interpol does. Let’s face it; in iPod world the album is mostly irrelevant as most people seem to just go around listening to every song up to the first chorus anyway. Two days ago I saw a man on a bike dressed all in black with a top hat and his face painted like a skull; he biked up to where I was, kick standed the bike, reached into his bag, pulled out a trumpet, played one New Orleansstyle death march then got back on his bike and pedaled off. That was the best music of the year but it wasn’t recorded.

Cut Copy good.

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FILM MUSIC Why? Alopecia Chosen by Clayton Pierrot Would it be weird to admit that “In Berlin I saw two men fuck in the dark corner of a basketball court; just the slight jingle of pocket change pulsing” is the most evocative lyrical description of sex I’ve ever heard?

I’m not about to put “The Hollows” on a makeout mix, but you’ve got to admit that’s some magical imagery.

Why?’s Alopecia is full of Yoni Wolf barely singing such lovely lines about death and sex and stalking.

While the addition of Andrew ‘Fog’ Broder to the band doesn’t exactly pep up the production, he does seem to bring a new and creepy depth of tone. More importantly though: “I’ll suck the marrow out / and rape your hollow bones Yoni” Hot, right? Eat shit and die, Portishead!

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Titus Andronicus The Airing Of Grievances Chosen by Chad R. Buchholz Yeah, alright, I know a lot of great stuff happened this past year as far as musical experimentation/pro-

gression/innovation/whatever goes, but fuck me if the best goddamn thing I laid ears on wasn’t this misanthropic, tortured, deceptively wellformed blast of New Jersian indie rock ‘n’ roll. Sure, the music is pretty amazing, most songs ripping along like Springsteen’s “Backstreets” with ADHD and a taste for mixing whiskey and speed. But it’s the unstoppable nihilism of frontman Patrick Stickles’ lyrics that really makes this record the best summary of the sort of year I, personally, have felt myself a part of. Stickles sings on “No Future,” “Good times, the good times are here again.” Then “No Future Part II: The Days After No Future” slashes in like a chainsaw through a kitten to paint scenes of anarchy and apocalypse. Yeah, so much for the good times. Sorry.

Bob Dylan Tell Tale Signs:The Bootleg Series Vol. 8 Chosen by Jules Moore Ladies and Gentlemen, I present to you my pick for best album of 2008.

Not only because it is a superlative collection of songs. Nooo, no… the beast of reason is far greater here.

Without sounding like an acid dealer at a botany conference, the very existence of this album is a testament to the countless species that often flourish from the same seed. Similar to the way new sheets can transform an old mattress, even the most seamless songs can be unraveled and rejuvenated—proof that there is always another way, and nothing is ever entirely finished. True, Dylan’s voice has certainly toad-ified over the years, but it is a toad that continues to croak lyrical crème brûlée in a world of wafers. He doesn’t just croak, he conveys. He doesn’t wallow, he reflects. The difference is what allows us to listen to sad songs happily.

Take “Most of the Time.” Where the old atmospheric version once cascaded over John Cusack’s melancholic breakdown in High Fidelity, the new version is the musical equivalent of a brisk toddle through the woods.

Another treat is the song “Dignity,” which comes in two distinct flavours: one solo piano and the other a guitar jam session. The examples are endless. I suggest you cue up “Huck’s Tune,” close your eyes and let an old mattress with new sheets become your raft on a stream into 2009.

King Khan and the Shrines The Supreme Genius Of King Khan and the Shrines Chosen by Patricia Matos There are too many throwbacks.

This much we know. But King Khan knows how to make it relevant and not sound like a hipster side project that got big on MySpace. Think Sixties soul and funk meets East Coast garage punk and you’ve got this former Spaceshit’s answer to retro rebellion. It’s too hard to explain why.

This record is so much fun or why; for something that clearly sounds familiar, The Supreme Genius Of… seems untried and exciting. King Khan has guts and he’ll knock you on your ass with wails of fervent love and barrages of horns and drums.

You’re welcome.

The Dark Knight OST Chosen by Kellen Powel What made The Dark Knight successful was that it worked just as well as a moody crime drama as it did as a popcorn movie. It went an extra mile or two in every aspect.

Alphabeat This Is Alphabeat Chosen by Trevor Risk I was holding my head in my hands one rainy afternoon attempting to get through the entire Bon Iver album without chugging scotch and began to pray for a band like Alphabeat. Syrup-sweet Danish boys and girls singing their harmonious hearts out with emotional blatancy and a disregard for the musical climate. Alphabeat’s songs are so well crafted that an all-star team of producer/remixers (The Count of Monte Cristal and Sinden, Radioclit, Bimbo Jones) took a shot at editing them for ravers, or house fans, or pop clubbers and the only one who succeeded was Frankmusik’s take on “Fascination”... of course. When “What is Happening?” switches into “Walkin’ On Sunshine”-esque doubletime, the room goes from holding hands to clapping them. The ABBA-ness of 6/8 timings on “10,000 Nights of Thunder” and “The Hours” make the album especially congruent.

Alphabeat are a band you want to be in, a band you want to play

legos with, and a band you want to come to your city and play an all-ages party.

Best Songs Crystal Castles vs. HEALTH “Crimewave” Chosen by Natalie Vermeer This mix is a haunted dance party plus video games plus clapping drum beats. Eek! I’m not sure how Crystal Castles made this out of the HEALTH track. It makes me giddy like when I first heard Cibo Matto’s cover of “About a Girl.” This version has been in my head probably all year and I did not know what I was so-called singing along to until just now! I looked up lyrics in an effort to provide something useful for this piece: “Eyes lit / On sharp threats / From dark lips / But lights press / The soft skin / To rough hands.”There you go! Karaoke anyone?

Flight of the Conchords featuring.

Rhys Darby “Leggy Blonde” Chosen by Emily Khong

You got to hand it to the mutha’ucka boys in Flight of the Conchords to let Rhys Darby (a.k.a. band manager Murray) take the lead on a song.

With the runaway success of Bret McKenzie and Jemaine Clement’s HBO series, they’ve been in demand for tours, interviews and appearances and everyone wants to know where their band manager is.“Leggy Blonde” is the only time Darby has sung on the show and luckily the song was included in Flight of the Conchord’s major label self-titled release this year. To truly enjoy the ballad, viewing the episode it first appeared in is mandatory: Episode 7, “Drive By.” Murray falls in love with the office tech support worker and ends up emoting in song when she leaves. It’s perhaps the most awkward attempt at a love song but it’s so bad that it’s good. With such profound lyrics as “I had a budgie but it died… I like pie,”a girl can’t help but resist Murray’s charms. And office products have never sounded as productive as in the instrumental break. Some people should stick to their day jobs but here’s hoping Murray meets another leggy blonde in the office real soon.

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It’s appropriate then that it should have not just one but two powerhouse composers at the helm of its score. Hans Zimmer and James Newton Howard teamed up for a second round having last done Batman Begins together and this round both composers were more comfortable working in different directions and sticking to what they did best. JNH is probably most famous for his work on spooky sci-fi movies and thrillers where one or two notes are drawn out and gradually “shelved,” while HZ has become synonymous with larger-than-life heroics. The result is a score that captures both the wonder and bravery Batman and the dark creepy undertones you’d expect from a movie where the antagonist’s favourite means of dispensing someone is to unexpectedly jab something into their skull.

I think 2008 was kind of a lazy year for movies and music. The Dark Knight and its score were the exceptions. This album is a great reminder of how good and exciting things can be when they’re done well and by people who care about what they’re doing.

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lessly disillusioned; a musing on life and death and the pointlessness of musing on life and death that ultimately affirms life, even while ending, with self-addressed resignation, “Oh, you, baby boy, you / You can’t do any damned thing right”.

Lil Wayne “A Milli” Chosen By Dr. Ian Super

FILM MUSIC

A milli, a chili, a turn that shit up silly. If you don’t think that this song bangs, then you are wrong and mentally deficient. Why one of the best tracks of the year? Well, for one, I say so and my opinions are in print. Second, trying to count the number of good remixes, edits, blah blahs is like trying to count your pubes. Third, the song is about how the public has given Lil Wayne stacks of cake and that he’s fucking awesome. It’s the musical version of a head pusher and that ain’t a beast or a dog, it’s a mutha fucking problem, but I’m okay with that because lil’ weezy makes you feel okay about being sexually open minded when referencing hip hop lyrics as head pushing. Hell, Birdman is his “daddy” after all. Whoa, that kind of escalated on me and now mother fucker I’m illlllllllll!

Worst Songs Juicy Karkass “Punch Em in the Dick” Chosen by Amanda Farrell

The Pains of Being Pure At Heart “Everything With You” Chosen By Trevor Risk

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You know how bands try and be credible by dropping the name My Bloody Valentine as an influence? That was already over-done and old by 1997.

The following is a genius move by Brooklyn’s The Pains of Being Pure At Heart: craft an entire band around the early jangle pop MBV gem “Paint a Rainbow.” That era is Kevin Shields’ best work anyway, and it worked out so well that POBPAH is the best band to debut in at least two years. All their songs are perfectly written and recorded, but what makes “Everything With You” the best of all of them is the guitar solo. That’s right, a rock ‘n’ roll guitar solo, a tactic not too popu-

lar within the indie pop community.

Guitar solos are like a great date; the best part is the anticipation, and this song builds to a face-melting send off with cut time into double time crescendos. This band puts a smile on your face while bringing tears to your eyes simultaneously. Thank you so much The Pains of Being Pure At Heart. Thank you.

Miles Benjamin Anthony Robinson “Buriedfed” Chosen by Chad R. Buchholz

As far as back stories go, MBAR’s is about as juicy as a music hack could hope to sink his fangs into: mixed-race kid from Portland with a history of homelessness and drug addiction pulls his shit together, cleans up, packs up, moves to Brooklyn, falls in with an upper-echelon community of musicians/artists, and at 24 years old releases his oftentimes-stunning self-titled debut album. And as far as opening tracks to debut albums go, this one is about as towering an achievement as one could conceive. “Buriedfed” is as raucously celebratory as it is hope-

It took me awhile to decide whether this song should go under the best or worst category, but I ultimately had to settle on worst. I mean, it’s a four-minute crunk hip-hop song about, well, punching people in the dick. Really, that’s all it’s about, which is a feat in itself.The dude has some pretty creative rhymes (“Turn his pebbles into rubble,” “deck’er in the pecker,” “boxing your baby makers” and “pop a squat and go nuts on his nuts” are just a few of a dozens of dick-punching euphemisms employed) but really, the song isn’t better for much else than busting out at a party after you’ve had a few too many drinks and want to make people laugh--and even then, half of them will look at you like you’re some kind of sick freak for finding it so funny (trust me).

Lady GaGa Just Dance Chosen by Jules Moore Lady GaGa’s got something to share with us: “Can’t find a drink, oh man.

Where are my keys? I lost my phone, phone.” And wait, she even brought out her friend Dildo Darryl to help with the constipated backup vocals! The only thing more atrocious than the song itself is her Wikipedia

page which, thanks so the selfediting feature, is a mix of shameless name-dropping, erroneous comparisons to people with actual talent, and tales of her eventless youth. Lady Gaga’s song is about as good as a hipster dry-heave.

Madonna ft. Justin Timberlake and Timbaland 4 Minutes Chosen by Trevor Risk

Heidi Montag Higher Chosen by Nojan Aminosharei This year, Heidi Montag, the real dollturned-villainess of MTV’s The Hills released eight tracks. Eight! The first was “Higher.” You might remember it as that mysterious stroke you had in early February. But once you dig some of the dried blood out from your ear and notice how it smells suspiciously like MAC foundation, silicone and shamelessness, you’ll know that it was Montag all along.

“Higher” became so infamous for its preposterous music video— shot by boyfrienemy Spencer Pratt and featuring Montag awkwardly trying to frolic on a beach—that we forget it was a singularly awful song in its own right. That Montag’s voice was so brazenly synthesized and still would have failed to land her in a high school talent show is

an accomplishment unto itself. And that Pratt was somehow, I assume, able to get a chimp to work a Korg is perhaps a tiny miracle. And let’s not forget that this was her debut.

She’s released seven songs since.

So, there’s no point to listing the worst songs of the year. Not while Heidi Montag is still out there making her own. And she is, you guys.

She’s still out there.

Sebastien Tellier Kilometer Chosen by Natalie Vermeer This song takes me right OVER THE TOP. I think Monsieur Tellier is trying to hypnotize us all to wake up close to him, touching his body. And we like him. We like touching his body.

I’ve seen the entranced look of those found listening to Tellier for prolonged periods of time. Something takes them over and they start writing his name on everything they can find. They start lip-synching and touching themselves suggestively.

They start defending Tellier’s alleged sexiness.

It’s curious that these reactions seem only to appear in straight guys.

Nevertheless, we need to stop this man before people WE KNOW start using this song on their partners thinking they now have METHODS OF MASS SEDUCTION. Sebastien ruins this and the rest of his otherwise decent songs with ridiculous girl sex moans all over the place. What a mood killer. HE MUST BE STOPPED! Vampire Weekend Oxford Comma Chosen by Joseph Delamar Vampire Weekend are a bunch of cerebral wimps and “Oxford Comma” is a pussy. If the aphorism,“the pen is mightier than the sword,” can be applied inversely here it would excuse the milksop they pass as relevant music. Vampire Weekend’s pen is tantamount to a 90-pound weakling and the uninspired rhythm of “Oxford Comma” seeks to inoculate their already vapid melody. In other words, this song is my pick for the worst song of the year because it is boring, stupid and dumb. Perhaps Vampire Weekend would say the same for me, however, I’m bigger and I would beat the hell out of them.

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Timbaland should be embarrassed by the produce-by-numbers technique he’s applied here and it’s about time that he lets his protege, Danja take the reigns in the top 40 world, especially after his excellent work on that Britney album. Madonna really should stop profiting off of ancient Jewish mysticism (because she’s not a 14th generation Rabbi and because she’s Catholic), and look after her children (one belonging to the personal trainer) instead of whoring around and flashing her squack. Seriously, she’s like 58 years old. We’re told she’s a role model for women and yet she’s been letting men tell her how to act for decades. Remember club

kid Madonna? Remember “Frozen” Trent Reznor Madonna? Add in the album art that just assumes we’re all fucking idiots, and you’ve got a song that’s only acceptable to listen to if you’re over 47.

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FLOATING WORLD STUDIOS

POSTER ART

Let it never be said that ION doesn’t dig for the best poster artists in Canada.This month we explored so far down the internet rabbit hole that when we came up for air we were clutching a young man from Newfoundland. NEWFOUNDLAND! Floating World Studios is St. John’s own, Jacob Rolfe, who took a moment to let us in on his beginnings. “I used to doodle in the margins of my notebooks, and my buddy Paul liked my style and hired me on. That was about six years ago, and I didn’t do anything else till I got asked to do a poster for the same friend’s new band, The Idlers, in 2006. Almost all the gig posters I’ve made since have been for those guys. I moved to St. John’s and set up a rudimentary

studio in my basement and printed my first poster in February 2007. I’ve been designing and printing on a part-time basis since, while working in a veggie restaurant and doing a little acting to actually pay the bills.” Jacob describes his work as “surreal, stylized, and cartoony illustration; using linework and shapebased patterns, large areas of saturated colour, lattice construction, extruded and undulating forms, and animal and humanoid creatures, creating a unified image.” If you can’t understand that, just look below for examples or www.thefloatingworld.net, a most excellent website that you, the reader, MUST visit.

TALES OF ORDINARY MADNESS HOROSCOPES COMICS ION MAGAZINE 46

smell the love Words Sam Kerr Photography Simon Clarke

A smile rests in the corners of Sarah’s sleeping mouth. Slowly, Chloe reaches her index finger across the bed and touches the tip of the nose before her, but Sarah does not stir from her slumber.

Chloe sits up in bed and reaches her arms toward the ceiling. She slides her legs from beneath the sheets, onto the floor, and crosses the room to open the curtains. Sunlight pours in through the window, across the room, onto Sarah’s sleeping face. Looking back at her unconscious lover, Chloe wishes her to wake, but Sarah lies still. She walks across the hotel room, avoiding empty bottles and discarded clothing, and enters the bathroom. She says, “Time to knock the rust off,” as she shuts the door behind her and starts the shower.

While waiting for the water to warm, Chloe inspects herself in the mirror. Her nose, a large and noble organ, protrudes out from her face and veers slightly to the left. She runs her fingertip down its bridge and thinks of Sarah’s tiny button.

Chloe is proud of herself, proud of her conquest.

It has been a long time since she last slept with a girl so young and attractive. She smiles at herself in the mirror then climbs into the shower. Sarah opens her eyes and immediately wishes she hadn’t. She feels like a December jack-o-lantern, an unflushed toilet. “Where am I?” she says to herself. Glancing around the unfamiliar room she notices a pad of paper on the bedside table. The letterhead reads, Hilton Hotel Dallas Fort-Worth.

Sarah has never been in a hotel room before. She gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens it.

Something is wrong. No freshness from the forest and no breeze off of the river. Instead, the scent is acrid and sweaty; air thick as chicken stock.

The bathroom door swings open and Chloe presents herself, showered, clean, and perky; her hair above her head in a towel tied like a turban.

“Morning, Sarah. How do you feel? Can I make you a cup of coffee?” asks Chloe. Sarah is silent, stunned. The naked woman standing before her is a stranger. She takes stock of this mystery

woman’s body: slender legs, protruding hipbones, flat stomach, and ample breasts. Arousal replaces Sarah’s nervousness. She smiles and says, “I’d love some coffee, thanks.”

Chloe crosses the room to Sarah’s side and says, “Take a shower, it will make you feel better.”

Then, she gently smacks Sarah on her left buttock.

Paralyzed with horror, Sarah recognizes the nature of their relationship. They have spent the night together, this woman has taken her virginity, and she cannot remember the experience. Feeling ill, Sarah walks across the hotel room and enters the bathroom.

Chloe opens a pack of coffee grinds, empties it into the filter, and activates the machine.

She smiles and looks around the empty room aimlessly. The sound of the shower emanates from the bathroom. On the floor she sees a pair of white, boyish, cotton underwear. They belong to

Sarah. Chloe leans over, picks them up, and puts them to her face. Her large nose presses against the damp fabric, and she inhales deeply. The rich smell of youth, liberty, and sex is intoxicating.

“What are you doing?” asks Sarah, poking her head out of the bathroom door.

“Shit. I mean, no, nothing. I thought you were in the shower. I was just checking if these were mine.” Says Chloe, dropping the underwear to the floor.

“Oh. Could I use your toothbrush?” Sarah asks.

“Use the toothbrush, yes. Yes, of course” says Chloe.

Sarah pauses, then says, “So, you check which underwear is yours by smelling it?”

“My eyesight isn’t very good.” Says Chloe.

Sarah goes back into the bathroom.

HOROSCOPES: Parker Bossley LIBRA ‘Need You Tonight’ INXS: ‘Tighten that belt and pass the lotion!’ That’s a reference to my favourite singer at the moment, Michael Hutchence.

‘Need You Tonight’ is your song this month. Think about every last word in it, then think about the tragedy of it all. Plus think about the joke I told for the Capricorn horoscopes. Seriously...

SCORPIO ‘Sex Weed’ R. Kelly: ‘Girl....your shit is the chronic.’ R Kelly. ‘Sex gave me the munchies and now I wanna eat it up.’ The song is ‘Sex Weed.’

This song makes Method Man and Redman look like sober pussies. All you need to do is listen to this song and pound your lover. That’s all I want you to do this month. Listen to ‘Sex Weed’ and pound your lover HARD. SAGITTARIUS ‘Baby Snakes’ Frank Zappa: ‘Baby Snakes’ suits you Sagittarius men, if you know what I mean.. Does anybody else think that Eugene Hutz from Gogol Bordello looks a lot like Frank Zappa?

CAPRICORN ‘Fat’ Weird Al Yankovic: Michael Jackson’s head moves in a really weird way, especially when he beatboxes. It’s a weird swivel creep motion that disturbs me right down to my core. I love him but it disturbs me hard. This month’s song for you guys is ‘Fat’ by Weird Al. PS. What do you call a dog a cat and a mouse all combined? A cogouse!

PISCES ‘In The Meantime’ Spacehog: I don’t know how down you are with Spacehog, but they are a bunch of Tal Bachman-listening—to pussies.

‘In The Meantime’ is possibly one of the lamest

ARIES ‘Gloria’ Patti Smith: I read the other day that she played this song live and at the part where she says ‘Jesus died for somebodies sins, but not mine’ she fell off the stage and cracked a few of her spinals. This month, you should do the same.

TAURUS ‘Grape Fall Remix’ (find it on YouTube): Although it’s not really much of a song, it is perfect for the month ahead of you. As you hear her barks of pain, you will realize that your job really isn’t that bad. And you actually can breath. PLUS, you will drink a lot of Aquafina, and that shit’s good for you.

GEMINI ‘Bitch’ Meredith Brooks: I heard a really shitty joke the other day that went, ‘why do lesbians put cans of tuna on their nightstand? because it’s their potpourri’. If you find that offensive, then go listen to the song that is your horoscope this month. Meredith Brooks’ ‘Bitch.’ Fuck yeah.

This song will guide you through all of your female issues this month. Whether it’s personal or non-personal ‘The season’s already changin’.

CANCER ‘Save Tonight’ Eagle Eye Cherry: He was ugly but kind of KIND OF looked like John Legend.

PLUS his name was fucking Eagle Eye. This month will be smart to come up with a good name for your future kids. Moon Unit? Eagle Eye? Tiger?

Poon Unit? Emo Winehouse? Emo Ginehouse?

Steve Vai? LEO ‘Drinking in LA’ Bran Van 3000: You need to lose your hardwood flooring, put on some sweatpants that you bought off of eBay from a Japanese man and listen to some Bran Van 3000.

Parker Bossley is a bass player from Van couver who plays in local pu ke rawk act Fake Sh ark Real Zombie. He is friends with Mitchell hall, and is currently liv ing in his band’s jam space.

Parker loves Mariah Carey more than mo st things in life. www.myspace.com/

fakesharkrealzombie

Then you need to puke all over your toilet and not clean it up until your parents come over.

VIRGO ‘Blue’ Eiffel 65: Guess what song I used to grind HARD with 13-year-old girls to? I was 13 at the time too, though, so it wasn’t that bad.

However, this song is so bad it’s good. Buy one of their jump suits and practice your intergalactic face punching.

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AQUARIUS I’ll Be Dat’ Redman: In the words of Redman, ‘Everytime I’m in a car bitches be like, ‘He ain’t shit!’’ I’ll be dat, Redman. Buy a hybrid, and you’ll get that flashdancer from the homo zone, that girl with the non-prescription glasses at that shitty divebar, and that hooker in the miniskirt who’s actually a dude. For sears, aquariuses should listen to more Redman.

songs ever written but I can’t stop listening to it.

If you go out on a Tuesday and watch one of the failure cover bands performing ‘more than a feeling,’ you’ll know what I’m talking about. When I was like 10, me and my sister saw Spacehog on Letterman and she said that the singer looked like a ‘retarded trollface,’ which is a pretty harsh thing to say to a 10-year-old.

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www . qwantz . com

DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH