ION Magazine issue 60 aka The Halloween Issue. Featuring Fever Ray

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Volume 7 Number 7 Issue 60 10 12 16 59 60

Editor’s Letter Tastes like chicken.

ION the Street Belts that are far more stylish than that length of power chord you’ve been using to hold up your pants.

Of The Month Everyday is Halloween.

Horoscopes Shay Wilson introduced herself via email as someone who knows a lot about horror movies.

Turns out she knows so much we thought she was a boy. Sorry Shay.

Cartoons

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Martin Wittfooth Bring on the apocalypse!

Danny Vermette Danny makes giant plush monsters who are all drunk.

Ryan Heshka Monsters and witches and robots, oh my!

FASHION 30 34

Ndeur Paper cuts!

Time to Pretend This issue’s fashion editorial. Photography by Angela Fama.

MOVIES 42

[REC] 2 The editor of this magazine ruins the day of the directors of two of the scariest movies ever made. Win!

MUSIC 44 50 52 56 58

GWAR Oderus Urungus’ opinions are more awesome than his costumes.

Behemoth Why is it that the evilest musician we’ve ever talked to comes across as the most intelligent musician we’ve ever talked to.

Cass McCombs Ghost stories!

Album Reviews Poster Art: Tyler Stout Nothing funny to say here. Just buy one of this guy’s John Carpenter posters and hang it up in your room already.

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This year ION is introducing a fun new mobile component that will help enhance your experience with the magazine. Keep your eyes peeled for the ION Mobile Flag on pages where there is further mobile content available.

For music-related mobile content, simply text IONMUSIC to 82442. You’ll immediately receive a text with a link to a mobile website. If your phone is compatible with iTunes, you’ll be able to preview and purchase all the music featured in the current issue of ION. In future issues, we’ll start recommending a few choice tracks you should consider purchasing.

For fashion related mobile content, text IONFASHION to 82442. You’ll be directed to a website that lists where you can purchase all the clothing featured in the current issue. To make it easy for you, there will be Google Map links for all the stores.

This is still all really new for us so expect a lot of exciting new mobile features to be added in the future. And apologies in advance, we don’t plan on accommodating people who still only own a pager.

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We thought this whole internet thing was a quick passing fad. Turns out we were wrong. So we went and made ourselves a pretty new website. As awesome as a physical magazine is, there are certain constraints to it. On the new ION website, not only will you find all the magazine’s content, you’ll also find lots of web exclusive content and contests. Be sure to check out www.ionmagazine.ca

* Standard text messaging charges apply

CONTENTS

ION MAGAZINE

ABOUT OUR COVER FEVER RAY SHOT EXCLUSIVELY FOR ION MAGAZINE

Publisher/Fashion Director Vanessa Leigh vanessa@ionmagazine.ca Editor in Chief Creative Director Art Director Music Editor Fashion Editor Designer Copy Editors

Michael Mann editor@ionmagazine.ca Danny Fazio danny@ionmagazine.ca Tyler Quarles tyler@ionmagazine.ca Trevor Risk trevor@ionmagazine.ca Toyo Tsuchiya toyo@ionmagazine.ca Leslie Ma leslie@ionmagazine.ca Steven Evans, Patricia Matos

Office Manager Design Intern Editorial Intern Office Intern

Natasha Neale natasha@ionmagazine.ca Sara Prestley Joni McKervey Daniel John Hardy

Writers

Troy Sebastian Alden, Dave Von Bentley, Bix Brecht, Rich Bucks, Tyler Fedchuk, Stefana Fratila, Jesua, Lindsay Lumber, Joni McKervey, Sarah Nicole Prickett, Jules Moore, Kellen Powell, Danielle Sipple, Shay Wilson

Photographers and Artists

Toby Marie Bannister, Angela Fama, Mila Franovic, Ashley Gesner, Kyla Hemmelgarn, Jon Hennessey, Kris Krüg, Lisa Lavin, Eric Cairns, Ariana Preece, Sarah Nicole Prickett, Meghan Rennie, Kim Svensson, Kavin Wong / Shark vs. Bear

On the cover this month is Karin Dreijer Andersson. Though her name may not roll off your tongue, you probably more familiar with her as one half of The Knife (the other have is her brother Olof Dreijer) or as a solo artist performing under the moniker Fever Ray. Fever Ray’s debut album came out in March. With its emotive, creepy and haunting electronic soundscapes, it’s easily one of the top albums of the year.

Hailing from Sweden, Karin is yet another exapmle that the Swedes are making some of the best music on the planet. We love her so much, we had to go all the way to Gothenburg to shoot her for our cover. A normally reclusive Karin made time for us before a sold-out show and did not disappoint, arriving for the shoot looking part Japanese Kabuki performer, part Norwegian Black Metal rocker. As insane as she looked, she was somehow able to pull it off effortlessly and it seems totally appropriate.

You can catch Fever Ray live October 1st in Montreal and October 2nd in Toronto.

Fever Ray’s self-titled debut is out now.

ION is printed 10 times a year by the ION Publishing Group. No parts of ION Magazine may be reproduced in any form by any means without prior written consent from the publisher. ION welcomes submissions but accepts no responsibility for the return of unsolicited materials.

All content © Copyright ION Magazine 2009 Hey PR people, publicists, brand managers and label friends, send us stuff. High-resolution jpegs are nifty and all, but they’re no substitute for the real thing. Clothing, liquor, PS3s, CDs, vinyl, DVDs, video games, and an iPhone can be sent to the address below. #303, 505 Hamilton Street. Vancouver, BC, Canada. V6B 2R1 Office 604.696.9466 Fax: 604.696.9411 feedback@ionmagazine.ca www.ionmagazine.ca | www.twitter.com/ionmagazine www.facebook.com/ionmagazine | www.youtube.com/user/ionmagazine

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Cover Photography: Kim Svensson, Production: Vanessa Leigh

BO R G B J O R N 1-888-389-1402

CONTRIBUTORS Writer [Tyler Fedchuk] ]

Illustrator [Lisa Lavin]

Editorial Intern [Joni McKervey]

WRITER [SARAH NICOLE PRICKETT]

Tyler Fedchuck interviewed GWAR for this issue.

After the Oilers won the Stanley Cup in 1986, Tyler’s dad and their neighbour Esa Tikkanen drank out of it in their driveway all day. Tyler snuck into this photo after he did the biggest endo ever on his Sears BMX, went over the handlebars, ragdolled down the block at top speed and cleverly tricked Tikkanen and his dad into thinking he was dead for a minute.

Tyler plays music at dance parties (Ice Cream Social, Far Away, Nightshift!, etc), drinks too much coffee and puts on lots of shows for local and international bands. He also runs the internationally renowned mixtape series at Radio Zero.

Lisa Lavin did the Behemoth illustration for this issue. She is a true headbanger with a particular love of Black Metal and art, so she was the perfect person to illustrate the article. With an education in art and fashion, after spending some time in New York and Los Angeles, she went on towards game art, graduating from the 3D animation and game design program at Pacific Audio Visual Institute in Vancouver. As an aspiring concept artist, she has a passion for creating unusual characters, environments and objects for fantasy based applications. Trained in 3D software, she is also interested in texturing 3D models for video games (most likely whilst listening to Emperor). Lisa also loves to pet her cats, shop for clothes or antiques/collectibles, eat vegetarian meals and see live bands. So if anyone needs a solid metal chick to design some wicked monsters for a video game, she’s your woman.

Joni McKervey interviewed Ryan Heska for this issue. She’s a writer and poet living on the top floor of an old house in Vancouver. She is a lover of plants and people. This is her second contribution to ION. She asked us to copy/paste the Wikipedia definition for tipis as she’s kind of into nomads right now. “A tipi is a conical tent traditionally made of animal skins or birch bark and popularised by Native Americans of the Great Plains. The term wigwam (a domed structure) is sometimes incorrectly used to refer to tipis. The tipi was durable, provided warmth and comfort in winter, was dry during heavy rains, and was cool in the heat of summer. Tipis could be disassembled and packed away quickly when a tribe decided to move and could be reconstructed quickly when the tribe settled in a new area. This portability was important to Plains Indians with their nomadic lifestyle. Modern tipi covers are usually made of canvas.”

Sarah Nicole Prickett wrote the Ndeur article for this issue. She also produced and styled the Ndeur shoot. Sarah writes about fashion and other arts (but mostly fashion) in Toronto. She lives there too, with a good man and two fighting cats. She contributes to FASHION Magazine, Eye Weekly, the National Post and more. SNP just turned 24 and already has an uneven wrinkle crossing her forehead. (Honestly. What the hell?) She’ll tell you that wrinkle is from deep thought, but probably it’s just from perpetually searching for her keys at the bottom of massive bags. In the fifth grade, her best friend called her SNiP. Now her editors do, too. Is this 150 words yet? No? Oh! She really loves stripes, the first Strokes record and A Single Man (the new Tom Ford movie). Her favourite colour is slowly becoming grey.

[www.radiozero.ca]

[www.lisalavin.com]

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EDITOR’S LETTER

“Coney Island, Haunted House” by Meghan Rennie

Michael Mann Last year’s Halloween editor’s letter about the time I waterboarded a friend of mine for fun upset a few people. It was a joke, okay. No one at this magazine has ever drowned anyone and me and my friends don’t physically torture each other for fun. Emotionally? Well that’s a different story. So this year I’m going to tone things down a little and tell you the very true story about how I like to eat human flesh.

The word “cannibal” has a pretty nasty stigma surrounding it. I actually prefer the term “advanced carnivore.” If you’ve ever seen IceT’s magnum opus, Surviving the Game, you are undoubtedly aware that human is the deadliest prey of all. Thus, me and my human flesh eating brethren sit atop the food chain.

No, I don’t get it from McDonalds or Burger King or some gross hot dog stand or even a Pho noodle house. Human flesh is not a cheap

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street meat and it’s considered a delicacy in many cultures. Fact!

Sure you can pay off a mortician and get human meat from a morgue. They’re basically meat lockers and who’s really gonna care if you sneak in there and hive off a little meat for a sandwich? But the real way to do this is to get it fresh. And by fresh, I mean hacked off someone who’s still breathing.

There are several ways to do this. You can club someone over the head and tie them up in your cellar and carve yourself off a little carpaccio.

But yeah, that’s torture and, as stated earlier, I will have no part of that. The best way to go about procuring fresh human meat is through a home delivery service. They pretty much run on the same premise as those clubs that’ll deliver pot or afterhours booze. Just email me and I’ll give you my guy’s beeper number.

Yes, there is a service where you can get fresh human flesh. I should say that the providers of this unique service won’t come over and hack a limb off for you to cook up. It’s actually a very professional and surgical process. They’ll come over and ask you how much meat you’d like to buy. Depending on whom you get it from, it’ll set you back about $300/gram. Some meat dealers charge a premium depending on what part of their body they cut off. Legs are the cheapest, followed by the torso, then the head.

Don’t be shocked by the keloid tissue scars on the self-multilator’s body. Be reassured by them as they let you know that you’re dealing with a seasoned pro.

After you hand over the money, they’ll take out a sterile razor and a digital scale and start trimming the fat, so to speak. Interestingly, the razor is always heated before cutting. This helps

cauterize the wound and ensures you won’t have some freak bleed to death in your living room.

After they’ve weighed it all out, you can ingest it in any number of ways. Sprinkled on pasta or spread on a cracker is what I’d recommend.

I should caution you that eating human meat is not only expensive, it’s a little bit addictive.

If you run out of cash you’ll inevitably end up turning to a free source of fresh meat to satisfy your cravings. Namely, your own body. And let’s face it, that’s just plain gross! So kids, if you’re reading this, learn from my mistakes and please stay off the flesh. Sure, it’s all good times in the fall and winter. But come summertime, when you’re at the beach, people will suspect the reason why you’re not taking your shirt off is because you have moobs.

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Photography: Hubert Kang Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya Models: Daniel, Anastasia

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HOT STUDS! Studs are hitting us with a vengeance this season and are no longer exclusive to the kind of people you used to beat up in high school. Here are some of our hot stud picks.

[1] Holiday Skirt - 212 [2] Purple Studded Belt - H&M [3] Mimosa - Browns [4] Studded Stackable Ring - Urban Outfitters [5] A03 - Aldo

ION MOBILE TEXT “IONFASHION” TO 82442 [IT’S FREE]

ION THE PRIZE We all have our things that we’re addicted to and at this time of year it’s usually those tri-colour candy corn kernels that start making their way into the stores for Halloween. This year you can save your teeth and get addicted to this great graphic skull tee courtesy of British streetwear line, Addict. Kindly refrain from sticking candy corn in its nose. [www.addict.co.uk] To enter text IONTHEPRIZE to 82442 or visit www.ionmagazine.ca

ION MOBILE TEXT “IONTHEPRIZE” TO 82442 [IT’S FREE]

Photography: Kyla Hemmelgarn Styling: Toyo Tsuchiya Make-up/Hair: Jon Hennessey for TRESemme Haircare/NOBASURA Model: John Taylor @ Richardsmodels.com

ADDICT

OF THE MONTH YouTube, Twitter, Facebook [DVD] The Haunted World of El Superbeasto [Blu-ray] Grace [Blu-ray] Children of the Corn [2]

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[1] YouTube, Twitter, Facebook Don’t want to throw it in your face but you’re missing out if you aren’t following us on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube. On YouTube, our channel has videos from our covershoots.

On Facebook, we’re still trying to figure out what the difference between a Group Page and a Fan Page is. And on Twitter, if you follow us, you would have seen some of the awesome camera-phone pics we were snapping during the Toronto International Film Festival (Our editor had a lot of two-minute blocks of free time while he was in Toronto and somehow managed to tweet about every bloody movie he saw). [www.twitter/com/ionmagazine] [www.facebook.com/ionmagazine] [www.youtube.com/user/ionmagazine] [2] DVD—The Haunted World of El Superbeasto Eli Roth was interviewed in the last issue of ION magazine and he said something along the lines of wanting to make a Thanksgiving horror film so brutal no one would be able to enjoy the holiday without it being sullied by the ultra graphic horror vision he intended to create. When I read this I realized there are two types of horror movies made today. Horror movies where the audience is terrified within the context of the story, and horror movies where the audience is supposed to be terrified with how fucked in the head the director is. The director is more concerned with shocking the audience and showing of the darkest recesses of his imagination than creating an investment in the story.

These are the kinds of horror movies Rob Zombie makes and they’re enjoyable for the same reasons they are immature. That said, Rob Zombie is probably perfectly suited to making cartoons. The Haunted World

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of El Superbeasto is an A.D.D. fest of boobs, boner jokes, silly sound effects and weird monsters. Listen for the voices of Brian Posehn, Rosario Dawson and, for some reason, Paul Giamatti. – Kellen Powell [3] Blu-ray—Grace I don’t like horror movies. When Michael Mann told me he had a stack of DVDs for me I didn’t know they would all be terrifying so I agreed to watch and write about them. I guess that’s because this is the Halloween issue? Anyway there was a trailer for Grace on the first of the DVDs I watched and when I saw it I was basically like “Fuck, I have to watch that alone in my apartment! Jesus Christ!” Then I watched it and I can now assure you this movie will make you never want to have kids, and maybe make you want to never even know anyone with kids. You’ll basically want to throw a Molotov cocktail and run away from the next pregnant woman you see. The premise here is that a woman gives birth to a still born zombie/vampire child that can only be kept alive if it’s fed blood. Naturally, blood sucking baby + psycho mom = nightmares. Grace does a good job of taking all the things that are already icky about pregnancy and babies and presenting them in an even more perverse and terrifying scenario. Watch it with your wife or girlfriend if she’s hassling you about having kids and you’ll buy yourself at least another year. DO NO WATCH IF YOU ARE ALREADY PREGNANT. –Kellen Powell [4] Blu-ray—Children of the Corn Children of the Corn is a goofy, but freaky, Eighties horror that reminds us to be terrified of children. Linda Hamilton and some washed up soap actor are driving down the backroads of Nebraska. They accidentally drive over a teenager. They’re relieved to find out the kid was dead

[Blu-ray] Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer [Fashion] METALClown [Jewelry] Thomas Sabo [Art Show] Pop Up Print Shop [5]

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before they ran him over but curious as to what we was doing on the road. Turns out there’s a group of Satanic children who worship a devil monster that lives under the cornfield. The monster’s called He Who Walks Behind The Rows and he instructed the children to massacre/sacrifice their parents. Children from middle-America who want to sacrifice adults to a devil monster called He Who Walks Behind the Rows that lives under a cornfield… seriously, how fucking awesome and freaky is that?

[5] Blu-ray—Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer This is regarded as one of the greatest horror movies every made.

Seriously, over the years we’ve interviewed every crazy horror filmmaker we could find. You ask them their four favourite movies and they will always answer the following: The Exorcist, The Shining, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. The order sometimes changes but it’s usually those four. If you think about it, it’s actually pretty amazing how much across-the-board consensus there is about what the top three films of the genre are. It’s probably about time you caught this classic, brutal, scary and low-budget film. Oh, and the scene where Henry kills the guy with the TV set is one of the greatest onscreen kills of all time.

[6] Fashion—METALClown Halloween is just around the corner and you are thinking that this is the year that you are going to spend more than 10 minutes on your costume. The reality is that you are going to be the same lame thing that you were last year because dressing up is too much of a commitment and you just don’t have the time or imagination. This is not the case for Alexandra Merino, AKA METALClown. She’s an 18-year-old girl from Washington, DC, who has turned her obsession of dressing up in costumes into…. well, we don’t quite know

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what to call it other then the best thing we have ever seen. Every day is Halloween for her and she doesn’t leave the house unless she is decked out as a strawberry, a cupcake, the Simpsons or anything else that she is into at the time. If you would like to see more of Alexandra, go to her Myspace page and get ready to be put to shame. [http://www.myspace.com/kurtcobainlover91] – Vanessa Leigh [7] Jewelry—Thomas Sabo If Edgar Allan Poe was around today he would be 200 years old and that definitely deserves a nod. Thomas Sabo is doing just that. This German brand is celebrating their 25th anniversary with the launch of jewelry inspired by Edgar’s famous writings as well as opening up stores in Canada. Now you can wear a crow’s skull without fearing that PETA is going to chase you down the street and beat you senseless. Unless you’re wearing fur with your Thomas Sabo creation, in that case we can’t be held responsible. [www.thomassabo.com] – Vanessa Leigh [8] Art Show—Pop Up Print Shop Our two favourite Toronto galleries, Show & Tell Gallery and 107 Shaw Gallery, are collaborating to put on an art show this October. The show will feature affordable prints by some of Canada’s top street artists like Vladimir Kato, Labrona and Other. Other (yuk yuk) artists participating include Cody Hoyt, Alena Skarina, Jamilya Lowe Jon Todd, Nicholas Fox and Rcade, who will be doing a mural for the show. The opening reception is on Thursday, October 1, from 7 to 11pm at 107 Shaw. Show runs until October 22. [www.1zero7.com]

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CULTURE

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Apocalypse Now

Martin Wittfooth

Words: Shay Wilson

In an ocean full of debris, a polar bear with burning fur balances atop a corroded floating fridge and a red gas can. Flaming objects fall from the sky into arctic water where icebergs are a distant memory. Saints Preserve Us, a painting by artist Martin Wittfooth, is a scene from the worst collective nightmares of humanity, a grim forecast of the potential future of our planet.

“The animals in my work are absurdly out of their natural environment,” the Toronto-born artist explains. “I’m trying to create a world we’re all subconsciously afraid of.” He wonders, “What if this was to happen? What if this is where we’re headed?”

Martin received an MFA from the School of Visual Arts in Manhattan and has called Brooklyn home for the past four years. Since graduating, his dark vision has graced galleries throughout North America and Europe, with recent shows at Jonathan LeVine in New York, Copro Nason in Santa Monica and Yves Laroche in Montreal.

Inspiration for the decaying architecture and abandoned consumer goods filling the backgrounds of Martin’s larger works comes easily. “The

environments I put my animals in are places I see around Brooklyn,” he says, calling his neighborhood “rugged and utilitarian.”

Massive animals in distress dominate the crumbling relics of humanity in Martin’s paintings—howling monkeys, rampaging boars, stoic buffalo and elephants. They are injured and resigned, yet somehow still full of strength and eternal patience. “It’s nature reclaiming what was stolen from it,” Martin says. Despite the serious, cautionary message conveyed by his work, he explains, “There is an element of hope. It’s not all about death and destruction. I’m trying to stay clear of that. I’m also playing with the idea of rebirth.”

Hope can also be found within the almost serene luminosity of each painting and the loving technical skill used to execute them in oils.

Martin draws insight from Dutch and Flemish Renaissance painters, in particular the work of Pieter Bruegel the Elder. “I look at historical sources that inspire and intimidate me,” he says. “These are masters who really honed their craft.” Some of Martin’s smaller paintings depict animals within still-life scenes of dewdrop-covered flowers, a typical subject

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matter of the master painters. “They spent so long really figuring out how to portray the most perfect, perfect bouquet of flowers,” Martin says with tremendous respect and awe. “The intimidating part is, how do I do something like this through a contemporary filter while keeping in mind the work that has come before?”

Martin also admires the Dutch and Flemish masters’ use of allegorical symbolism. “Some of them explored all four seasons by bringing in different insects to represent the seasons,” he says. “When you read into it you realize they bring entirely different meaning to the piece.” Tiny butterflies frequently hover within Martin’s own paintings, perhaps representing the fragility of life and a small fluttering of hope.

Other symbols in Martin’s work are playfully dark and suggest the threat and aftermath of war. In As We

Waited, a fox runs in front of a building covered with the subtle shadows of falling bombs. Classic Forties and Fifties pin-up girls straddle and caress bombs on decaying walls within several paintings. “Pin-ups serve as sinister propaganda posters,” Martin says.

Despite the patience required to build up thin layers of oils that can take anywhere from two to four days to dry, Martin says, “As long as I have something new to work on it stays inspirational.” He explains, “I tend to work from a well thought out sketch before I start painting. Most of the mistakes I make are done in the sketch process. If I get stuck I work on something else and come back to it.”

With a solo show on the horizon at Copro Nason in February 2010, Martin has intensified his workload. “I’ve gotten into the habit of getting three or four paintings going at once,” he says.

“My next big show will deal exclusively with a world taken over

by storms… I also have a show in October 2010 in Seattle [at Roq La Rue] that will envision the world taken over by a new ice age.”

When asked to share the best piece of advice anyone has given him about his career, Martin doesn’t hesitate to say, “One I really stand by is that your best friends in this industry are other artists.”

He urges newcomers to support each other as artists. “Most of the breaks I’ve been getting have been through the recommendations of other artists. Introducing yourself and your work to other people who are also creatives is the best way to get into the business side.” It’s not surprising that community is so important to an artist who spends a lot of time envisioning a future where we have destroyed ourselves—a future that, together, we may still have the power to change. [www.martinwittfooth.com]

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“It’s not all about death and destruction.”

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CULTURE

Danny Vermette

Be My Frankenstein Words: Jules Moore

Photography: Eric Cairns

Perched above that little slab of Main Street where Mount Pleasant greets the Downtown Eastside, a young man is working (and drinking) industriously amid a camp of artists known as the Cartalera Talent House. It is here in his ghoulish grotto that Danny Vermette awakens the misunderstood souls of a paradise lost: creatures furry, frozen and towering as high as eight feet.

Danny conceptualizes and crafts larger-than-life creatures, then, when they have reached maturity, releases them into the wild.

Danny’s monsters have become a staple of Vancouver’s streets, storefronts and urban vistas—sculpted and situated in ways that demand attention and evoke immediate and unforgettable gutspins. As I write this I can’t help but wonder what would happen if Dr. Frankenstein were alive today, only younger, better looking and… Oh, hello Danny.

So, where did you get your start in the arts?

Well, at birth… My mother is one of the craftiest people I know.

She’s a costume, prop and set designer for the theatre community in the Comox Valley, my hometown. She always encouraged me to pursue the arts and I learned a lot from her at an early age.

When did the love affair with monsters begin?

I’m not really sure when it began. I always loved pretending being someone or something else as a kid. I mean, what kid didn’t? I

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remember being obsessed with E.T. and Star Wars. And again, my mom indulged my obsessions by building me the best Halloween costumes ever. I remember rocking the craziest E.T. and Wicket costumes as a little kid.

Why monsters?

Why not? It just happened. I never set out or planned on building monsters. The idea of crafting the first monster was for the release of Rick McCrank’s eS shoe for Antisocial Skate Shop. I just thought it would be a fun thing to build.

How has your work evolved from the beginning to now?

It’s gotten bigger. I am running out of room.

What characteristics do your monsters have in common?

They’re all drunk.

Do you ever create monsters with real humans (maybe friends, lovers or enemies) in mind?

They all have pieces of friends mixed in there for sure. Each takes on its own personality, mood, voice and idiosyncrasies as I’m constructing it. I think I bleed a lot into them as well. I’m usually working at the studio late at night, having a few cold Luckys and blasting Suicidal Tendencies or whatever the flavour of the day is… so they just end up partying with me.

Considering your proximity to skateboarding, film and monsters, I immediately think of Spike Jonze and his upcoming adaptation of

Where the Wild Things Are. Do you feel a certain kinship there?

I love Spike Jonze’s work and I love the book. That’s where it starts and ends though.

Do you see monsters as a) lovers, b) haters or c) something else altogether?

All lovers. All gentle. All drunk.

Who do you think is monsterlier, men or women?

I’m going to leave that one alone.

What frightens you?

Being stagnant. Not being creative or productive. That scares me a lot.

What’s next for Danny? Something you’re looking forward to this year?

Well, contrary to this interview I actually do a little more than just build monsters. I am looking forward to having my first solo show here in Vancouver at the end of the year… stay tuned for a date on that one. I am really looking forward to doing a massive build for Halloween at the Fortune Sound Lounge. It’s not only going to be a reunion of a lot of my past characters, but some amazing new ones. Come check it out. [www.dannyvermette.blogspot.com]

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Tony X Collaboration

CULTURE

Ryan Heshka

Monsters, inc.

Words: Joni McKervey

On a recent trip to California I found myself eating lunch at InN-Out Burger. As we rounded a bend on the 101 its smart yellow arrow soared into view and we raced into the parking lot, stomachs gurgling with hunger. For someone who likes to consider herself more of a Michael Pollan than a Queen Latifah (official celebrity mascot of Fatburger), the idea of eating a fast food burger with fries (and a milkshake!) should have been horrifying. But instead it was gleefully enjoyable, the entire experience was a trip back in time to that classic American era of drive-ins, sock hops and hoop skirts. The food was, to be honest, a mere accessory to the visit.

What we were really there for was the adorably kitsch experience

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of the place, the retro uniforms on the staff, the quaintly simple menu (you want a burger or a cheeseburger?), the unflagging delivery of service-with-a-smile. We practically made “aw” faces at each other when we saw a guy chopping potatoes for french fries by hand. In-N-Out burger is a locus of warm fuzzies for the good ol’ days. In its staunch refusal to evolve aesthetically, it taps into our unconscious attraction to the simplistic optimism of that golden age. Looking at Ryan Heshka’s work gives me almost the exact same feeling. Minus the calorie-coma.

Ryan’s paintings and illustrations are populated heavily by men in jumpsuits wielding rayguns, women in space helmets, flying

eyeballs, Studebakers, mad scientists and all manner of bizarre creatures. “What I do has an American feel,“ he says, while discussing his recent stint living in L.A. His visual style draws very deeply from the look and feel of vintage comic books, a look that he says has held his fascination since childhood. Originally from Manitoba, Ryan grew up during what he describes as the end of the “lo-tech” era, a time before computers and cell phones and all other various iterations of this digital age. “It was so nice,” he says wistfully, “when people didn’t have cell phones.” As a child during the Seventies, Ryan watched cartoons and read comic books produced during the youth of his parents’ generation. But

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he hesitates to dissect how nostalgia affects his work, instead offering up that his old-school aesthetic is just a part of who he is. “I don’t think I could do something that looks up-to-date if I wanted to,” he says with a laugh. He tells me that he struggles sometimes in his work as an illustrator to produce images of people with current hairstyles and outfits, tending more easily towards figures that resemble Clark Kent or June Cleaver.

The artist himself has an almost gentle, self-effacing demeanor.

When we entered his apartment following our discussion the other day, his wife wanted to know if Ryan was being too modest during the interview. I think he probably was. Completely self-taught, Ryan balks at approaching anything too close to self-congratulation, and, despite having worked professionally as an illustrator since 2000, often describes himself as a beginner.

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“I’m just feeling things out,” he says, “and kind of finding my way. I feel like I’ll get there.”

But where he is now is looking pretty good. He has a bundle of gallery shows all over Canada and the U.S. under his belt and his work has recently graced the front and back covers of the 18th issue of BLAB, an annual publication that features up-and-comers, movers and shakers in the world of illustration. Ryan also has a second book, a kid’s book called Monstertown, coming down the pipe for release in 2010 (his first book, ABC Spook Show, originated from a Halloween show he did for El Kartel in Vancouver a couple of years ago). So, to some folks looking in from the outside, Ryan may already appear to be “there.”

The paintings that he produces for exhibition he refers to as his “personal” work, as opposed to the men with briefcases he may

create for a commission for Forbes (his list of illustration clients runs the gamut from Reader’s Digest to YM to Toro), and I notice that he rarely uses the word “art.” When discussing the difference between art and illustration, Ryan again hesitates to place himself within the dialogue. He prefers, he tells me, not to overthink what he is doing, for fear of thinking himself into a place he cannot grow from or get out of. He says he finds interviews “weird” because people ask him questions about his work that he consciously tries to avoid. He may be right; Heshka’s work is not the kind of thing you want to dissect and theorize about. His paintings are boldly coloured, engaging, entertaining and appealing. They make you feel good. What more do you really need to know? [www.ryanheshka.com]

“I don’t think I could do something that looks up-to-date if I wanted to.”

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FASHION

Ndeur

PAPER CUTS Words: Sarah Nicole Prickett

Photography: Kavin Wong / Shark vs. Bear

Maybe we give jewelry-makers too much credit. It’s no stretch to make desirable objects out of diamonds and platinum, is it? But to craft luxury from the most common medium—plain, simple paper—is an impressive, super-modern skill.

And one that comes in handy when you’re a couple of young designers in Paris—not exactly bathing in bling, but bursting with ideas. Such is Matthieu Missiaen, a.k.a Ndeur. The 27-year-old multi-experimentalist first grabbed us by painting vintage shoes in eye-popping street designs and selling them out of his Kensington Market studio in Toronto.

When he moved back to Paris in summer 2008, we knew we hadn’t heard the last. Soon enough, he met his other half—Julien Morin, 25, a graphic designer obsessed with packaging and paper culture. Together, they’re Le Creativ Sweatshop, an idea studio with hyper ambitions and seemingly ceaseless productivity—they design furnishings, installations, and fashion accessories. They want nothing less than the world. And for now, they’re making it out of paper.

“We use paper right now because it’s pretty fast to have a good result,” says Matthieu, though we beg to differ with his definition of speed. One bracelet, two craftsmen, 15 hours = “pretty fast”? A beautiful labour, we’d say.

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The results aren’t just good, either, they’re great! Those 15-hour bracelets come out glossy and aggressively spiked, their shapes at once primitive and futuristic, making us think of stegosauruses and studs.

You want one, right? Too bad—they’re for inspiration, not sale.

“I don’t really think we will mass produce,” Matthieu says. “It’s definitely not the goal of what we do. We’d rather work on really rare and precious objects for photoshoots or runways.”

Those you see here were created for Toronto fashion designer Heidi Ackerman, of whom Matthieu is a “huge fan”; the stark white and metallic forms suit her avant-garde minimalism. At London Fashion Week, Matthieu and Julien catwalked a new collection of paper accessories with Belle Sauvage—a wicked-pretty London label, beloved by Lady Gaga and punk kids alike.

And though you can’t flaunt these exact cuffs—Le Creativ Sweatshop is all about the DIY spirit—nothing would make Matthieu and Julien happier than to see you making paper fly all by yourself. [www.ndeur.com]

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FASHION

Model: Tara Aghdashloo Styling: Sarah Nicole Prickett

“I don’t really think we will mass produce...

It’s definitely not the goal of what we do.”

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TIME to

PRETEND

Mia - Lifetime T-shirt | Obey Jacket | Alternative Apparel Leggings

Day - Mink Pink Tights | Mia - Numph Pants Athena - Trash And Luxury Top | Obey Trousers | Mia - Lifetime T-shirt | Obey Poncho

[Clockwise] Jacob - Lifetime Top | Humor scarf worn as turban | Cheap Monday jeans | Nike shoes Jacob - Insight long sleeve woven | Stussy jeans

Jacob - Lifetime Sweater | Levis Jeans | Day - Quiksilver Jacket | Blank Jeans

Jacob - Humor Sweater | Cheap Monday Jeans | Athena - Covet Sweater | Jbrand Jeans

[Clockwise] Day - Quiksilver Jacket | Mink Pink Skirt | Tuk Shoes | Jacob - Lifetime Sweater | Levis Jeans | Day - Quiksilver Jacket | Blank Jeans

Mia - Vintage Band Vest | Obey Shorts

Athena - Wolford Tights

AND THAT will be

THE END

STYLING

PHOTOGRAPHY ANGELA FAMA WWW.ANGELAFAMA.COM MILA FRANOVIC MAKEUP + HAIR ASHLEY GESNER ASHLEY GESNER @LIZBELLAGENCY.COM MODELS

ATHENA, DAY, JACOB, & MIA STYLING ASSISTANT ARIANA PREECE PRODUCTION

VANESSA LEIGH

FILM

[REC]2

MAKE IT STOP! Words: Michael Mann

[REC] is easily one of the scariest movies of the millennium. The sequel, [REC]2, is even scarier. You’re forgiven if you haven’t caught [REC] yet. It is, after all, a low budget Spanish horror film that never had North American distribution. [REC] was a film festival darling, though. So much so that the rights to it were quickly acquired so that a shot-for-shot English language remake called Quarantine could be made. Oddly, the remake, which did quite well, was playing in theatres as the original was still doing the festival circuit.

[REC] was shot with a handheld camera and the technique works exceptionally well. The film begins with a newswoman shooting a fluffy story about what goes on at a firehouse overnight. Everything is pretty boring until the firehall receive a routine call to help a woman trapped in her apartment. When they enter the woman’s apartment, something’s not right. She’s exhibiting some aggressive, rabies-like tendencies and attacks and bites a policeman. Bullets barely stop her and guess what? The guy she bit is acting like he has rabies now too. It

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gets worse, the military just quarantined the building and the occupants are trapped and forced to fight for their lives inside a creepy apartment complex.

To give much more away would ruin the movie, but let’s just say the outbreak sure as hell ain’t rabies. The action in [REC] is uncomfortably close and the terror comes from every angle.

[REC]2 takes place 15 minutes after the first movie ended. A SWAT team is going to enter the building to investigate what happened. This time, the cameras on their helmets are doing the recording.

I had the chance to sit down with co-writers/directors Jaume Balagueron and Paco Plaza before their movie assaulted audiences at the 34th Toronto International Film Festival.

Recording! First off, your movie scared the shit out of me.

Congratulations.

Paco: Good!

I’m actually a little paranoid that while we’re talking something is going to jump out of the closet and attack me.

Paco: Relax.

I’ll try. What’s the reaction been to [REC]2 so far?

Paco: We’ve just screened it in Venice and the reactions have been very good, very positive. We’re very happy about that.

Being the second part of a film that was very popular—not here, because it wasn’t released—we felt a responsibility not to disappoint the fans. We went to Venice and it was the first contact with a real audience. I think we passed the exam.

I felt you needed to see [REC] to fully appreciate [REC]2…

Paco: You think that?

Well, I don’t think you’d get the ending of [REC]2 if you hadn’t seen the first. That’s just one man’s opinion though.

Paco: We wanted it to be independent—that you can see it by itself. But, you know, there are lots of things, tiny details, if you’ve seen the first one that you’ll enjoy. We wanted to avoid the feeling that you’re missing something if you haven’t seen the first one. That thing you just said really spoiled my morning.

Fuck, I’m sorry I ruined your day.

Paco: We tried to be very careful with that. We wanted new people to see the film. But if we failed, I’m sorry.

Don’t listen to me. I’m sorry. It’s still a terrifying movie and I loved it. The scares you’re doing in the movie are a pretty simple idea.

It’s like, guy in a scary mask jumping out and screaming “boo!”

But it works every single time in both movies. Every single time you got me and it’s never repetitive. What’s the trick to keeping this fresh in two movies now?

Jaume: I think the most important thing is to always play with the expectations of the audience. Genre movie fans have a culture; they’re always expecting something. You have to play with that. If they’re expecting something, you have to wait. If they’re not expecting, it’s time to bring it. It’s almost like a game.

Do you know it’s going to work when you’re writing, directing and editing the movie?

Paco: I hope it works but you can’t be sure. We are big fans

of lots of genre movies. We’ve seen thousands of them. More or less, you try to do the things you think will work for you.

You guys both studied video journalism. Is making movies like [REC] how someone gets a job with a journalism degree these days?

Paco: Huh? Jaume: I studied journalism because I needed something to study. People told me journalism was a good way to get into directing movies. I worked as a journalist for two or three years at a radio station in Barcelona. But I wasn’t very interested. All I wanted to do was make movies.

Did studying journalism help you sculpt the story and aesthetic style for [REC]?

Paco: No, I think it just came from watching a lot of TV. Let’s talk about Spanish horror. Is Spain producing the best horror movies in the world right now?

Jaume: No. I think there are some very interesting horror movies being made in Spain. But I also think there are very

interesting horror movies being made in Europe and the United States. I think people are always using the “country thing” for hype. I remember 10 years ago it was Japanese and Korean movies. Now it’s Spain. But if you talk to a Spanish person about horror movies in Spain, they won’t know anything about it.

Let’s talk about Quarantine! Was it satisfying seeing Quarantine play pretty big in North America?

Paco: No, I can’t talk about Quarantine. He can.

Jaume: I saw it. For me, it’s a very weird experience. It’s the same movie with different actors. I’m not the person to tell you if it’s good or bad. But it was disturbing for me.

Finally, are you at all concerned your movies will give someone a heart attack?

Paco: I hope not. But if it scares the shit of you… that’s good. That’s what we want.

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MUSIC GWAR

GWAR, What is it Good For? Words: Tyler Fedchuck

Photography: Toby Marie Bannister

GWAR is a theatrical thrash metal band, formed in a former milk bottling plant by a group of art students in Richmond, Virginia in 1985. They’ve been nominated for two Grammys, seen multiple line-up changes, been shot at, arrested, sponsored by golf companies and charged at by skinheads, all the while spewing chunky fake blood, semen and vomit over adoring fans at their live shows for the past 25 years. And that is basically why they are nearly a household name. It is hard to find someone my age who is unfamiliar with the legacy of GWAR. Strangely, at the same time it is difficult to find someone who is familiar with their music. 2009 is the year that GWAR might finally be breaking out. Their latest album Lust In Space (Metal Blade) debuted at #96 on the Billboard top 200 in August, there are talks of a GWAR reality show and video games, and lead GWAR character Oderus Urungus has been appearing regularly on Fox News in full costume as a correspondent for the late night news show Red Eye. Oderus (AKA Dave Brockie) is the only remaining original member and founder of the band. He’s originally from Canada, where his father was an engineer on the famed almost-a-major-success-butproject-sunk-in-a-lake fighter jet, the AVRO Arrow. The termination of the Arrow project sent Oderus’ family to the U.S.A., where the aerospace industry was, to say the least, booming. It looked at times that GWAR might have also gone the way of the Arrow, especially in the Nineties when they were experimenting with country and jazz. Fortunately GWAR forged ahead and returned to their thrash metal roots.

Oderus stated in his Richmond News column “GWAR, Me, and the Onrushing Grip of Death” that “being in GWAR is like masturbating for 25 years and not getting off.” Now, after 25 years, it seems that 2009 is the year the band will finally see the level of success and recognition they have desired for so long. I certainly hope so.

They deserve it.

I caught up with Oderus over the phone and stiffly asked him

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some questions about Fox News, jail, Ted Nugent, Tommy Lee, professional golf, Jello Biafra, midget gangs, Glenn Beck, guns and everything else. This is how it went.

It’s the 25th anniversary of GWAR’s reign on planet Earth, you’ve finally been invited to Comic-Con, you have become the regular interplanetary correspondent on Red Eye on Fox News and your new album Lust In Space has debuted at 96 on Billboard top 200, which is the highest charting album of GWAR’s career! Has GWAR finally made it, or are you waiting til you’ve reached the coveted 95th spot on the Billboard top 200 to announce your success?

I’m not really quite sure, but everything seems to be lining up for just a huge year for GWAR. There’s been mad press going on all summer. We went to Wacken, put on an amazing show there in front of 80,000 crazy Germans, we played The Gathering of the Juggalos, we did Comic-Con and you know I got this Red Eye gig and all the other stuff you mentioned. There are just a lot of things happening for GWAR that have never really happened before. This isn’t going to be just like, “Oh, GWAR puts out another record that their fans love and they do a great tour and then the whole cycle starts over.” No, there’s much more at stake this time. It definitely does seem like there’s new places to go for GWAR. A lot of people that maybe have not supported us, or been on the fence about GWAR are taking a second look at the old beast and are deciding that it IS good. And maybe some of these doors that have been closed for GWAR all these years are going to be opened. It’s no surprise to us that we are the greatest fucking thing since cream cheese, but the world still has to figure that out. So this year we’re looking for GWAR to take a huge step up and maybe achieve some of those things that we haven’t got to. Things like a GWAR movie, GWAR video games, GWAR television shows, all these things GWAR has never gotten it seems might be right around the corner. And it wouldn’t be successful just for GWAR—it would be just as big a

thing for all the fans that have supported us all these years.

Has there been talk of a GWAR video game in the past, or is that something on the table right now?

We’ve talked to many different video game companies. These people got in touch with us, take us out to lunch, you know. Talked a bunch of shit and it’s never gotten anywhere. Those things cost a lot of money to make. And you know they’re concerned they wanna have products they can sell in Wal-Mart. They’re worried that GWAR is gonna have their dick hanging out and be fuckin’ the pope or whatever. And basically GWAR’s not gonna compromise to make these things happen. What we’re gonna do is continue to beat the shit outta society until it’s in the correct configuration that these things can all happen.

Oderus is now a regular correspondent on Fox News’ Red Eye program; how has it been?

It’s great! They treat me really well. Oderus was all up in Fox News last night and everyone was just completely freaking out about it. You know, it’s big time TV and Greg Gutfeld that hosts the show has been a huge GWAR fan his whole life. He had me on the show and it went really well and so every time we’ve done it we’ve kind of tried to do a little bit more with it, to the point where Oderus did the entire episode last night and he did really, really well. Greg did definitely kind of coach me into it—it’s kind of funny when Oderus is a little more thoughtful. There is something very disturbing about Oderus saying something that actually makes sense. So we’re definitely getting into some virgin territory with this, but I think it’s very powerful and I think it’s going to end up right where it needed to be. We’re going to have a much bigger presence of GWAR on major television and, who knows, maybe The GWAR Show is a reality that’s not too far away.

Are you familiar with Glenn Beck who hosts the hour before Red Eye? Do you think he’s actually serious, or is he like Fox News’ version of Stephen Colbert?

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MUSIC

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Yeah, that’s exactly what I think it is. Everyone’s like, “Oh, Fox News, they’re so conservative. How come they’re doing GWAR?” What I think is the biggest reason that Fox News is so conservative is because we’ve had a Republican in the White House for the past eight years and the climate of the country was conservative so therefore Fox News was conservative because they’re trying to get ratings. When I think of Fox, I think of things like The Simpsons and Married… With Children and then the fact that Oderus is on Red Eye certainly isn’t doing a lot to shore up the conservative imagery.

So sure, these guys are all conservative pundits, but before that they are television personalities.

In 1990 you managed to get arrested in Charlotte, North Carolina over something that happened at a show?

That was the very famous Cuttlefish Incident, but it ended up inspiring the GWAR movie Phallus in Wonderland. That’s when I was arrested for what they call “the dissemination of obscenity” and basically that’s what they charge people who do child pornography with. It’s a serious charge.

It’s a felony. Basically what happened was I was defiling a rubber pope or something like that and after the show the cops came into the dressing room, arrested me and confiscated the Cuttlefish. It was a little bit scary there for a while because I am actually a Canadian citizen and they were talking about deporting me and so we were really worried about what was going to go down, but in the end we plea bargained down to a lesser charge and they ended up suspending the sentence. It didn’t really do anything to hurt GWAR cause we sure got a lot of free publicity over it and here it is 19 years later and people are still talking about it.

I read somewhere that the judge in that case had an unusual name… [laughs] Oh yeah, his name was Richard Boner. Dick - E - Boner. Yeah, that was actually his real fucking name, I kid you not. And to make it even more surreal, and this is absolutely true—no one’s gonna believe it, but this is absolutely true—next on the court docket after me that day was a gang of criminal circus midgets.

Oh my god!

And I’m totally fucking serious. They were obnoxious as hell. When you’re a midget you just don’t have much to lose. You might as well just go for it.

That’s unbelievable that Dick Boner tried GWAR...

Dick Boner tried GWAR and then he went on to persecute a bunch of criminal midgets.

Apparently Jello Biafra of the Dead Kennedys was upset over the outcome of this case?

No, no, no. Jello and I have always had a great relationship. He’s awesome.

He’s a die-hard GWAR fan and he always comes out to see us when we are in San Francisco. One thing about Jello is he’ll come on the bus and he’ll always bring a big coat with him. And I swear to God by the time he leaves at the end of the night, every single one of the pockets of his coat is filled with beer... and pieces of our pizza. He’s awesome. We love Jello.

Is there actually a TV company that is trying to get GWAR a reality TV show?

There are rumours, yes. We are working with a production company that has to remain nameless right now and the idea is out there to get GWAR a reality show. I think it will happen, but I think it will just take a little more time. We are seeing the beginnings here of a major breakthrough for GWAR. I think it’s going to take the length of this tour and over the next six months we are going to see some really serious things happen for GWAR in a good way and the TV reality show could be part of that.

What would be the ideal GWAR reality show?

Well, personally, I figure you really don’t need to try too hard to do a GWAR reality show. You just take GWAR and throw them into human society and there you have it. My perfect show would be an Oderus variety show kind of in the style of Carol Burnett or something. Oderus basically hosts a sketch comedy show and GWAR is the house band and we do these ridiculous skits where GWAR dresses up like humans or whatever and there you go.

Basically you put GWAR in any context of humanity and it’s going to be funny. You could have Oderus trying out for Broadway musicals, you can have Balzac going down to the hot dog stand, trying to teach a music class to elementary school students, basically wherever you put GWAR the yuks are going to be present.

I’ve been reading your column in the Richmond News online and you keep promising to get to this but I am wondering why is Ian MacKaye (Minor Threat/ Fugazi) such an asshole? [laughs] Well, I grew up in the DC area and graduated highschool in 1981 so I’m an old timer. I was there for the birth of hardcore and for me punk was always about being yourself and self-expression and going out and having fun. So I ran afoul of all the straight-edge dudes right off the bat. They hated me. There were lots of instances of them being complete dicks to me and people like me and then when I moved down to Richmond things got a lot better because that community was so much more open. But then bands from DC would come down and be like, “There’s that dude,” and I’d get my ass kicked again. I’m not gonna spoil it for ya, but Ian MacKaye is a dick and

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the next column is going to be all about it.

Ted Nugent is supposedly an asshole, too. Have you ever met him?

Yeah, Ted’s a complete asshole. I was a really big Ted Nugent fan when I was a kid. As I grew up and started getting into punk rock, I kinda went away from Nugent. Many years later we were playing in Minneapolis at First Avenue and across the street at the Target Center Ted was playing. So we went to go see Ted play before our show and after it I was waiting in this line trying to get an autograph. He was sitting at this table up ahead of me and I heard “So Ted are you gonna go see GWAR today?” And he just started going off “Oh, fuck GWAR they’re a bunch of fuckin’ freaks, blah, blah, blah.”

It always sucks when you realize one of your heroes is a complete asshole.

Then I saw him open up for KISS one time and he referred to Jesse Jackson as a “shit skin.”

Oooh.

Yeah, he’s just a racist, homophobic, gun-toting NRA asshole and I’ve officially withdrawn all support for that prick.

So I guess you didn’t go shooting with Ted. No. I gotta give him his props for certainly being a rugged individualist, but he’s just another right wing asshole.

On the topic of guns, have you ever been shot at?

Yeah, actually it was when I was a little kid. They bulldozed our woods and made a shopping centre and we used to go up there and vandalize the construction equipment all the time in a vain attempt to stop it… even though we ended up loving the shopping mall when they did build it. One time the security guard caught us there and brought us back to his weird security camper and starting showing us all this gay porn. We were like eight years old and I think we were probably pretty close to getting molested when we decided to just run for our lives. As we were running, when we were jumping over this fence, he pulled his .38 out and shot like four or five times over our heads. I don’t think he was really trying to hit us, but it scared the fuck out of us.

Now you apparently played golf with Tommy Lee once. How was that?

It was terrible. He had his own golf balls and everything and they were all over the place. Tommy Lee is a terrible golfer.

He had “Tommy Lee” golf balls?

Yeah, I got some. He’s a terrible golfer but he’s actually a pretty cool guy.

But he was completely lying to me. He was saying “Oh yeah, I seen GWAR” and I was like, “Well where, Tommy? Where did you see GWAR?” And he was like (makes mumbo jumbo sounds). He didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about.

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Do you remember what you shot that day?

I think I played pretty goddamned bad. I shot like 108 or something.

It’s a really hard course. It’s Malibu Country Club and it’s a very fucking difficult course. And the fact they had drink carts at every hole and were, like, pouring shots of tequila down your throat every time you’re trying to hit the ball didn’t really help my game that much. That’s what I like about golf though, the blatant drinking during the round.

Yeah, it’s the only sport where you can get hosed and smoke during play.

Yeah, very civilized. I spent a lot of time playing golf but finally gave it up cause it’s just too fucking hard and it’s too fucking expensive and I don’t want to pay all that money just to suck at something.

I guess you’ll have to get the GWAR golf sponsorship.

Yeah, I was on the Mars Golf team for a few years—that was pretty cool—but then the owner of the company realized it was pretty stupid to keep paying for us to play all these tournaments and just completely fuck up the place.

Wait. You actually were sponsored for golfing?

Yeah, there was a company called Mars Golf and they were kind of trying to be the punk rock golf company. We actually had a golf team with me, one of the dudes from Smash Mouth and Tommy Lee. They gave me free clubs, would fly me around. I somehow sold myself to them as being a decent golfer. Then they saw me actually play and they were like “Oooh... oh yeah...” I was actually starting to get pretty decent at it—my best round was an 84. Then I broke my pinky and I could never get my swing back.

Since this is the Halloween issue, what would Oderus dress as for Halloween?

Oh! He likes to dress up as famous TV quizmasters. I think I will be going as Alex Trebek, host of Jeopardy. Either that or Lindsay Lohan’s diseased twat… just the twat part. That wouldn’t be too hard. That’s actually kinda what Oderus looks like anyway.

As an omnipotent god, what are your predictions for December 21st, 2012?

Oh yeah, well the Mayans are right. The whole fucking world’s gonna explode and the aliens are coming back. So we’ve only got like three years left to party before everything is over. So let’s get together with GWAR, especially the people of Vancouver and Canada who have always been loyal GWAR fans this whole fuckin’ time. We’ve only got three years left for GWAR to be able to run the planet. So get down to the record store, get your copy of Lust In Space and get ready for GWAR to come Vancouver because we are motherfucking taking over.

MUSIC

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MUSIC BEHEMOTH

TALES FROM THE CRYPt Words: Dave Von Bentley

Illustration: Lisa Lavin

Let’s face it: the most whip-necking metal fan can be pretty annoying with his or her (rarely her) musical taste. If the prick doesn’t hear enough blast-beats he/she will usually go on his or her favourite band’s message board and chastise them for selling out. What am I talking about exactly? Anal music fans with the most tit-hardened opinions about their genre of choice.

So when Adam ‘Nergel’ Darski, the mastermind and only original member left of the band Behemoth, tells you that he digs Morrissey along with future Kings of Leon opening band White Lies, one’s ear perks up. Especially when you consider the pedigree of one Nergel and Behemoth in the battled-hardened arena of extreme metal. Putting out demos since ‘91, touring almost non-stop since their inception, Behemoth and Nergel have the clout and respect of hardcore metal-fans around the world.

But the man doesn’t like labels or misconceptions. “To be honest, I’m a fan of good and honest music. I get bashed for being a fan of Placebo or Morrissey but I really don’t care about boundaries or categories,” says the Polish extreme metal pioneer. “They simply do not exist in my world. It’s either good and honest stuff or shitty music. That’s it. Lately I’ve been listening to a lot of White Lies from the UK. They are an awesome cold wave band in the vein of Joy Division, but with great production and a vocalist that can actually sing.”

Of course that’s not how one gets inspired to write music and lyrics that make the Devil say in a whiny voice, “Man, tone down on the evil.” No, that was for Iron Maiden to do, Nergel says. “I remember watching Maiden’s “Wasted Years” on TV and I was hooked right away. It was a blast! It was sooo captivating, so special that I can’t even describe. I wanted to be a metal head, I wanted to play this music…that’s what this song did to me.”

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One must observe the evilness of the “Wasted Years” video on YouTube to fully appreciate the effect it must have had on a child (Bruce Dickinson’s balls nearly popout of his short shorts for the entire duration of it. Traumatizing stuff).

The biggest influence on Nergel’s odyssey into music actually came from his homeland of Poland. “Bands like KAT, TSA and TURBO were the ones that introduced me to heavy metal. I still have huge sentiment for those acts, though I don’t listen to them very often. But KAT and their 666 album still belongs to one of my all-time favourite records.”

Being born and raised in a Poland that was in political turmoil, Nergel truly believes he has a much better understanding of what freedom actually means. “I was raised in a communist regime but keep in mind that I was a kid back then. First of all, I had absolutely no interest in politics. Second, I was too young to even realize what’s ‘good’ and what’s ‘bad’ for me along with my country. But I’m definitely happy that I was a part of it… it gave me knowledge. It gave me the sense of what freedom is. Later, in the Nineties, we entered the whole new era of democracy and it showed me how restrained and limited the previous system was. Even though we were democratic it was still a long process to fully recover the system after 50 years of physical and mental imprisonment.”

This upbringing during such a difficult transitional period for his homeland also toughened the man up. “The fact that nothing was handed to me on a platter made me who I am… that’s when my character was shaped and that’s something that strongly influenced my life. I had to fight. I had to struggle in order to get things done. When I recall these memories from the early Nineties, I remember it was extremely difficult to put

a band together, to get a rehearsal room or find professional instruments.”

The strength he gained from such adversity (and killing goats in a blood-soaked pentagram, I naturally assume) helped Nergel to forge ahead with his band as a young man even though the odds of ‘making it’ weren’t in his favour. “To be honest, I wasn’t thinking we’d ever get that far with the band. I’ve always been determined and took no compromises… it was either the band or nothing in my life. But still, within an extreme metal genre there are very few bands that can really make a decent living and focus on playing only. When I graduated university I was already a professional musician. I never really had to work, which I find very fortunate. The last 10 years we’d been steadily growing up by constant touring and putting out records every two-year period. We built up a very solid foundation and now it feels like we’re hitting the roof with our brand new album…

We’ve never been that hyped, that enthusiastic about the band and the things that are happening around it. It feels awesome, really.”

The band’s latest album, Evangelion, actually debuted at #98 on the Billboard 200 in August. Not bad for a band that has been threatened with bans on performing in their home country due to the content of their lyrics and stage show (the stage show sometimes includes the destruction of a Bible). But Nergel makes no apologies. “We are politically incorrect. And that’s a fact… We are speaking out loud of what pisses us off and in most cases these are taboo topics for a majority of the society.

But that’s who we are. That’s what we represent and what we stand for: freedom of speech, autonomy, strong uncompromising will… these are the key words to understand our message and

to understand what human nature is all about.”

One of the things that will strike you before you hear a single note from Evangelion is the album artwork. The Whore of Babylon is depicted riding a seven-headed beast with what appears to be two cardinals or saints praying to her. Nergel explains: “The Whore of Babylon basically stands for all the virtues that stand against God and his followers. This archetype has a very sinister vibe to it… and wasn’t overexposed in the metal genre, which is awesome. We wanted to come up with something that’s not going to be another heavy metal cliché. I truly believe we have something that looks very disturbing and

beautiful at the same time. Worth noticing is the fact that we didn’t ‘steal’ this woodcut from anywhere… it was done from the scratch by our graphic artist Graal… we added a few extra elements so it’s even more unique. She’s holding a sword in her right hand so she has a more militant, more violent look… at her feet you will find broken 10 commandments plates.”

That’s the kind of stuff one wants to read about in the Halloween issue. But for me I like hearing about the humanity from ‘evil’ people. So what do Nergel’s Mom and Pops think of their son’s profession? “Actually they love it. They seem to be very proud of what I do… and the fact they see their son happy

is what matters after all you know.” From the man who wrote the song “Christians to the Lions,” sounding rather normal and coming off as a likable guy. I find him to be far scarier now because of that.

Nergel and Behemoth I salute you with devil horns held high.

Evangelion is out now on Metal Blade. [www.behemoth.pl]

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MUSIC Cass McCombs

HAUNTED CATACOMBS Words: Jesua

Photography: Kris Krüg

I first meet Cass McCombs in a dressing room. I have a terrible cold, watery eyes and a clouded, weird, fever head. His first sentence after “I’m Cass” is “Give me a minute to get changed into my outfit.” He returns 25 seconds later wearing a round straw hat and a denim jacket with a bright pink, airbrushed scorpion on it. Across his shoulder blades are the self-referencing bubble letters “Lion Killer.” Also sunglasses.

“It’s easier to be somebody when you have an outfit,” he tells me as we spill from Vancouver’s Commodore Ballroom out into an alley through alarmed fire doors. We hit Granville Street and wander.

Full disclosure: I am a big fan of Cass McCombs. And so in order to make the interview experience a little less ordinary I thought about doing it somewhere other than backstage, like on a rooftop where we could look over Vancouver Construction City while gabbing about whatever.

It turned out to be harder than I thought. After inquiring everywhere I could think of within walking distance of the Commodore, I got nothing but frowns and terse looks. Next time I’ll say I’m interviewing Bryan Adams.

But, two nights before the show someone from the Vogue called me. A pleasant dude, extremely kind, and a definite member of the Johnson Family agreed to letting Cass and I hang around inside the historic old theatre.

The plush and comely Vogue is dark in the lobby. The main

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auditorium is under renovation, covered with random wood, tools and activity. Cass disappears up the aisles boyishly, hands in his jacket pockets, exploring the place high and low. We eventually find the basement, which is quiet and away from distraction, and we settle onto a dusty faded heliotrope sofa from the Sixties in an odd sloped room directly under the theatre’s seats. He takes off his hat and shoes and pulls his knees up to his chest. Cass doesn’t do a lot of interviews. He doesn’t enjoy the pressure of something so unrelated and removed from the creative process. In a dirty, disheveled maintenance room, a single fluorescent lamp shines down onto this mysterious and esoteric man.

The first things I notice (besides the outfit) are his pale humble eyes and mischievous teeth. You can tell a great deal about someone’s personality by his or her teeth. At one point during the interview he tells me that he is a “reactionary person”—if you put him in a corner, he’ll bite back.

In our strangely fitting location, I bring out the Catacombs double LP, his fourth and most recent full length. “Ritchie Valens or not?”

I ask, pointing inside. Sevreral of the photos in Catacombs involve the Chicano rock legend Valens. Three show a high school-aged Valens, taken before he died in a plane crash at 18. The other is of an airport in Pacoima, California, not far from where Catacombs was recorded, and also the area Valens was from. Cass is a huge fan. Once, when asked whom he would choose if he could play a show with anyone past or present, he responded: “Merle Haggard,

The Grateful Dead, Ritchie Valens and The Germs.” I ask him about this. “Those are the four cornerstones of California music: the Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. All California artists have to base their art on those artists.” He repeats the names for me slower, and, hearing the conviction in his voice when articulating “The Dead,” he makes me seriously reconsider ever slagging those hippies. No joke. Darby and Jerry together at last.

The records Cass has put out so far reveal him to be a weird maverick, never following any one particular style, but deploying them all successfully. In order that he keep his art evolving, the California nomad approaches every song a new way, which at root could possibly be attributed to his peripatetic lifestyle. He’s lived all over: California, San Francisco, Baltimore, Chicago, New York City and London, all before the age of 31. Cass doesn’t have an apartment, nor astonishingly, is he or any of his four-piece band getting paid anything for their opening slot on the Band of Horses dates they are playing. “They are good friends,” he says.

“Where they say, we go.” It is clearly about nothing to him but the music.

And for Cass it seems that friends also are synonymous with the creative process. On a few different occasions he speaks about the importance of his friends not only to his music, but to his creativity in general. For example, a regular contributor to his projects has been best friend Aaron Brown, who co-designed the board game which appeared in the foldout of his last full-length

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outing, Dropping The Writ, created the cover art for Catacombs, directed the “Dreams-Come-True-Girl” and “Executioner’s Song” videos and, as a gift, designed Cass’ previously mentioned custom denim jacket.

As it often goes, Cass was born into the troubadour life. He grew up in and around music. When I ask him who in his family played what instrument, he rubs his eyes with his palm heels and then all his fingers, and through his hands in a long exhalation tells me he doesn’t like to talk about his family.

“Were there ever any profound musical experiences that helped you understand things or changed the way you felt about the world?”

“It’s continuous,” he states. “But growing up there was a lot of thrash bands and metal in the Bay Area, a lot of hip hop and punk… and it was a really polarizing time and different people felt so attached to certain styles of music and I never got on my high horse like that and—wait, I don’t know where I’m going with this…”

There is a long silence.

I remember hearing that Cass loves digging in thrifts for old cassettes while on tour; it’s how he collects music. I reach into my bag and hand him two from my collection when the hang time begins to seem ominous.

“OH! LEONARD! O.D.B!! I lost my Best of Leonard Cohen… and this O.D.B. tape is in great condition!” I tell him that I had another cassette just of howling wolves in the Canadian wilderness, but that I couldn’t part with it. It’s perfect starting-the-day/shower listening.

Again there is a long silence. And then he switches on: “Don’t even bother digitizing it,” he says sarcastically to no one in particular with an intonation vaguely reminiscent of the late, great, Bill Hicks. “There are these people who digitize their cassettes… it defeats the purpose! Let the thing degrade and destroy itself… and then it’s gone forever like you will be someday. What is our obsession with permanence?! It’s a bull**** concept!” And, remembering himself, he adds, “I hate when I curse, I really didn’t want to curse.” I tell him I’ll cut it out. “Cut it out he says,“ and then revises, “It is a… hollow concept.”

Industrial vacuums rattle and whine overhead and the dusty renovations continue. I ask Cass what he thinks about something Jorges Luis Borges casually dropped in a political description that went something like:

“Let the thing degrade and destroy itself… and then it’s gone forever like you will be someday.”

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“America, hampered by the superstition of Democracy….”. I ask this in regards to the song on Catacombs “Don’t Vote.” His reply: “Let’s look at the lyrics.”

“It’s about how there are systems put upon you, and you are judged by not following those systems… and it is a choice not to participate… although you will be judged. Last night at the bar we were talking about the supposed tradition of giving cheers, clinking the glasses and making direct eye contact, and whose tradition is this and how important is it exactly and what if you don’t follow these traditions—what are the consequences?! And the song is about the consequences of not following a tradition, whatever it is.”

Changing gears, I inquire about the video for “The Executioners Song.”

I tell him I thought I saw bones and human remains in it.

“You may have. But when you’re making a video it’s just all laughs, you’re just goofing off,” he says. “It’s free! I mean you just keep the thing rolling until something happens… Oh there’s some sheep, let’s just wait for an hour until the sheep do something… you know?

Slowmo? Fine! There is no genius behind video making.”

When I ask him about the amazing bar we see in the video with money all over the roof, he tells me that it’s somewhere in nowhere, near Sonoma, near Petaluma in Northern California. Lowering his voice a bit he adds that it is supposed to be haunted.

Jokingly I tell him that the Vogue, too, is haunted.

“Let’s go,” he says, getting up and grabbing his hat. “Let’s seriously get out of here.”

Later that night, Cass and his band pull off a brilliantly tender set, despite an inattentive, chattering crowd. With the help of Melanie Moser (keys, vocals), Christian Owens (bass guitar), Blake Mills (electric guitar) and the player of the best (and most reduced) drum solo I’ve ever seen, Andy McCloud, the band coax out the shimmering spectres from around us. It is the first appearance of Cass McCombs on a Vancouver stage, and for those of us paying attention, he and his friends let us in on some of his remarkably graceful secrets.

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MUSIC REVIEWS 1

Apples in Stereo [#1 Hits Explosion Yep Roc] Felix Da Housecat [He Was King] The Fugitives [Find Me] Hope Sandoval & the Warm Inventions [Through the Devil Softly]

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[1] Apples in Stereo #1 Hits Explosion Yep Roc I have always had a bit of a problem with bands releasing hit compilations too early (“too early” in my mind being anything less than two years after a band stops making music). This, combined with the fact that Apples in Stereo never really had any hits per se and have always been more of an album band, leaves me with the sense of having listened to an album without continuity, or at least I would have if Apples in Stereo’s whole career weren’t so continuous. Reviewing an Apples in Stereo retrospective while the Beatles are re-releasing their catalogue is sort of like going to a Ben Johnson play on the opening day of Macbeth. Even so, one cannot help but feel the fun and energy coming off these songs. Simple lyrics and simple melodies are what they are and what they are is infectious, and just like H1N1 you can count on it being more effective on the young while those born before 1957 have immunity.

I wanted to say that #1 Hits Explosion sounded more like 16 Split Decisions but the album ended up being too fun for such a dismissive witticism. —­ Bix Brecht [2] Felix Da Housecat He Was King Nettwerk Felix Da Housecat is going to be the only one to survive the eventual nuclear attack on electro DJ/producers. Mostly because he understands how abso-

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lutely hilarious the nightlife is, and how it’s ridiculous when those conducting the festivities believe that laptop-made, bloggable remixes are going to be remembered for more than one second’s worth of meta-culture. Our man Felix DJs perfectly and produces even more professionally than his buddy Diddy, but he does so with a charming smirk as evidenced by the sardonic titles on his new record like “Spank U Very Much,” “LA Ravers” and the track “Kickdrum” which consists of a deep 808 beat with looped lyrics exclaiming “Big Fat Kickdrum/Makes You Wanna Get Some.”

The record’s highlight may be Felix himself singing on opener “We All Wanna Be Prince” and doing a pretty decent job of aping the tiny, purple wonder. He Was King can’t compare to his 2001 effort Kittenz and Thee Glitz, but nothing and nobody ever will. —Trevor Risk [3] The Fugitives Find Me Independent There is always a very special place in my heart for spoken word. Though it has never quite made a proper communion with energetic music, The Fugitives may be the missing link in this unfinished thought. The band steals your ears with their fierce spoken word and toe-tapping melodies. Their brand new recording Find Me is short but packs a powerful punch.

Each of their songs coaxes you to sing along, whether you know the lyrics or not. “Breaking Promises” pulls at heartstrings equally all over,

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while “Blue Belle Lament” sounds like a heartbroken lullaby that is comforting in all the right places. Deep with soul, The Fugitives have tapped into a space that is heavy with emotion, yet without the dragging force of dramatic drawl. Their music sings sweet and bitter of all the ups and downs of life’s offerings. Find Me is the perfect mixture of past tears, dancing toes and eccentric smiles.

—Danielle Sipple [4] Hope Sandoval & the Warm Inventions Through the Devil Softly Nettwerk I have this uncle who worked for Warner Music in New York. He was in finances. Whenever I’d go to visit him he’d have a stack of albums for me to take home. My uncle has good taste in music, even though Warner usually doesn’t, so beneath the take-it-or-leave-it riff raff there would often be a gem. Hope Sandoval’s new album, Through The Devil Softly, is not that gem. It is simply 40-some-odd minutes of take-it-or-leave-it drivel. Just a safe, albeit pretty orchestration of breathy vocals and brush stick drums beats. I mean, if my uncle passed this thing on to me I’d probably let it sit in my collection catching dust, but this is the mp3 age so I’m deleting this elevator soundtrack off my iTunes. —Lindsay Lumber

Magneta Lane [Gambling With God] No Age [Losing Feeling] The Pains of Being Pure At Heart [Higher Than The Stars] You Say Party! We Say Die! [XXXX]

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[5] Magneta Lane Gambling With God Last Gang Records Magneta Lane are an underappreciated all-lady three-piece who write alternative rock songs in the Tee-Dot. Their concise debut album, The Constant Lover, took the independent music scene by surprise. Gambling With God is the band’s third full-length record and it undoubtedly carries on many qualities of their debut in the realm of songwriting. Very cleanly produced, the song “September Came” is the standout track as it features pretty harmonies and lyrics that mention the devil. The case is different with “Love And Greed” in which a megaphone-type chorus gives the impression of not being as awesome lyrically as it is musically… but there is something to be said about Magneta Lane getting away with “I’d get all liquored up and fucking crawl in front of you.” If you still listen to The Strokes (or wish you remembered to), this is something worth gambling on. —Stefana Fratila [6] No Age Losing Feeling Sub Pop I think No Age is probably going to have a good year and be even more prominent then they were after Nouns. Or during that period when everyone was talking about some club in LA called The Smell and the bands who had played there but who most people have kind of forgotten about now, even though it seemed like some sort of movement or zenith just last year. This EP is good. I like when a band can make four songs sound like a fully

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realized idea. I think maybe four songs under fifteen minutes is the best length for a piece of recorded musical output. I think in the wake of this EP you’re probably going to hear about No Age’s “new sound,” which is going to mean “tremello + reverb + melody” instead of, or in conjunction with, “fuzz.” Which is good, because I think by the time the winter hits, lo-fi backlash is going to be in full effect (if it’s not already) and No Age will hopefully come to exemplify how to successfully transition into the cleaner, soberer years of the second decade of the 2000s. -Rich Bucks [7] The Pains of Being Pure At Heart Higher Than The Stars Slumberland The Pains of Being Pure At Heart sound like early My Bloody Valentine; we know this already. Pleasantly enough though, instead of mirroring the careers of the inventors of loud and letting the morphine drip take over as the main instrument on their next effort, Pains have decided to not only jangle, but thud, soar, and play their instruments like they mean it. The title track of this half-album will prove to be a jewel in the crown of these Brooklynites (Brooklynians? Brooknadians?) mostly due to the relatable refrain of “In The Back Of Your Mother’s Car” and the other songs (like on their self-titled debut) that don’t miss either.

For dessert we’re treated to a remix treatment of “Higher Than The Stars” by long-forgotten UK indie dance outfit Saint Etienne, which

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admittedly sounds better on paper than speakers, but at its very least reminds us to put on Foxbase Alpha and maybe flip through a copy of Select. The Pains of Being Pure At Heart are making everyone else look lazy and stupid. —Trevor Risk [8] You Say Party! We Say Die! XXXX Paper Bag XXXX is just fourletters and the title of You Say Party! We Say Die!’s third full-length album. XXXX is also a placeholder for some mystery word. Could be it’s a place holder for the listener saying “Oh XXXX!” YSP!WSD! has really smoothed down the rough edges of their previous recordings with the help of producer Howard Redekopp (The New Pornographers, Tegan & Sara) without sacrificing any of the energy. In fact they polish off all the sharp spikes that were hurting their previous records and what is left is a glossy surface with satisfying peaks and valleys. Not that they have strayed so far from their roots that you can’t tell where they are coming from. It’s just the opposite: the production quality here only clarifies things like Becky Ninkovic’s vocal talents and Krista Loewen’s keyboards, which only broaden the scope of the songs. I think that maybe they could have gotten away with calling this album Love; I‘m pretty in love with it…. It’s too bad the Beatles and Cirque beat them to it…. —Troy Sebastian Alden

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POSTER ART tyler stout It is often said around our office that anyone who does art inspired by John Carpenter films is an immediate and lifelong friend of this magazine.

Well, Mr. Tyler Stout, welcome to the fold! You might already recognize Tyler’s style as he did the artwork for the Flight of the Conchords album. However, among print collectors, he’s better known for his awesome reimaginings of cult film posters for screenings at the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin. Tyler humbly describes his style as “derivative? I dunno. I rip off lots of old movie poster styles from the Sixties and Seventies.” Derivative or not, his designs have clearly struck a chord with some as there are loads of people who spend all day on his site, hitting the refresh button and waiting for him to release a limited edition screenprint of an awesome movie like Robocop, Total Recall, Inglourious Basterds or what you see pictured at left. [www.tstout.com]

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HOROSCOPES THIS MONTH: Shay Wilson Shay Wilson’s writing has recently appeared in Geist and on Joyland.ca. She works in the film industry and blogs about fashion at theongoingproject.blogspot.com.

Capricorn: Your relentless, plodding ambition has always served you well in the workplace, but it won’t help against the forces of evil. Pretty soon you’ll be sacrificing babies and jumping out of high rise windows with everyone else. Preview the coming apocalypse by watching Argento’s The Mother of Tears.

Aquarius: You’ll find a blood-soaked child at the side of the road, but for God’s sake don’t take it home with you. Sure, it might return the favour by dismembering your enemies, but then you’ll have to clean up after it until it decides you’re next. Watch Let the Right One In. Pisces: Suspicions that your secret crush is actually a blood-guzzling vampire are about to be brutally confirmed. You’re drawn to complicated relationships so this might work out all right for you. The neighbourhood dogs, however, will not be so fortunate. You’ll enjoy the fang-banging Korean flick Thirst.

Aries: When the demons arrive you’ll take them on while the rest of us cower in the corner.

Just remember the most common last words of people who have their eyeballs chewed out are “Oh shit” and try to give us something original for posterity. Check out Evil Dead II for pointers.

Taurus: You’ll be the last to know about the zombie apocalypse and they’ll probably leave you alone because you already act like one.

Fortunately, you saw it coming and have been stockpiling flamethrowers for years. Rock and roll with Japanese splatter fest Wild Zero.

Gemini: Solve your relationship troubles by installing a steel door on the bathroom and encouraging your significant other to hide whenever they see you take out your zipper-mouth, button-eye mask. It’s called compromise. After all, you did warn them that David Cronenberg’s character in Nightbreed is your idol.

Cancer: I know you’d rather continue to bake cookies than deal with the zombies vomiting all over your kitchen window, but it’s time to face

your destiny. Plus, they’re starting to trample your flowerbeds and that really ticks you off.

Find another reluctant hero in Shaun of The Dead.

Leo: The good news is the monsters won’t get you. The bad news is one of the people you’re trapped with is going to brain you with a pickaxe.

Everyone will pretend it was an accident and be secretly thankful that someone finally shut you up. That’s teamwork in The Descent style.

Virgo: When the newspaper article is published, the world will know it was you who told the other scientists not to kill the “cute” mutant tadpole three years ago. Is that really how you want this fiasco to turn out? Remember what happened in The Host.

Scorpio: Your current relationship probably won’t work out, but that doesn’t mean you have to join the undead and torment your ancestors with visions until they kill their spouses. That’s just mean. Get your kicks by watching The Blood Spattered Bride instead.

Sagittarius: When the cops show up, just smile and act confused as usual and you’ll get away with it. I would suggest resisting your typical urge to blurt it out anyway, but knowing you, you’re already starring in your own serial killer mockumentary a là Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon.

Libra: At first, you’ll be tickled to inherit the hereditary title and manor house in the English countryside. When you find out you either have to slay the local beast or be sacrificed to it, make like Hugh Grant in Lair of the White Worm and break out the dynamite.

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COMICS

DINOSAUR COMICS BY RYAN NORTH

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