SUMMARY:
The 5 Love Languages
isandrews.com
GARY CHAPMAN
by Is Andrews
The basic concept of the five love languages as defined by Gary Chapman in his book “The 5 Love Languages” is that people communicate and feel love in different ways. Dr Chapman has observed five different categories in which people communicate or understand love. Humans all need each of these different things, but typically there is one that really speaks to an individual heart. All are valid ways of showing love, and they are all important components in a healthy relationship. However, some hit home with us more than others. In order to effectively communicate love, we need to be familiar with each of them – the idea is that we can learn to speak these different languages and interpret them properly. Once we know what our primary language is, we know what helps us to feel loved most easily. We can also understand how others try to show us love using their own love languages. Some of these ‘languages’ may not come to us naturally, but we need to learn to love in all of these ways as a part of our own movement towards final maturity. Dr Chapman explains the difference between the euphoric, spontaneous feelings that come when we first fall ‘in love’, and the deliberate approach necessary to sustaining a loving marriage. Really loving our partner requires learning, effort, making conscious choices, and cultivating a deep desire to live in a way that benefits them. In a marriage if we know our partner’s love language we can show our love to them really effectively.
Here’s a quick summary of all five 1. Words of Affirmation - this person feels love when others verbally approve or affirm them If this is your love language, you know something about the power of words. Encouragement, praise and sincere compliments are powerful and important ways of expressing affection. Verbal appreciation (‘You’re so good at reading with the children’), kind words (‘I understand you’re tired, I care about how you feel’) and tone of voice are all significant elements. Mockery, put-downs or verbal abuse can feel like a slap in the face, and not easily overcome.
2. Quality Time - this person feels love when others spend time with them Time matters a lot to the speakers of this language – making being there really count. Focus, attention and your complete presence are your way of saying ‘I love you’. Turning off phones, tearing your eyes away from the screen (TV or laptop!) and putting all those little tasks and distractions on hold are important elements of this kind of attention. Quality time means lots of little meaningful interactions, as well as prioritising opportunities to share deeply, create intimacy, and pay close attention to what each other is saying. Feeling like you have to vie for your partner’s time or focus, or being frequently put off and let down when dates get broken create disappointment and hurt.
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S U M M A R Y : The 5 Love Languages GARY CHAPMAN
isandrews.com
3. Receiving Gifts - this person feels love when others give them thoughtful things This love language is all about how we can demonstrate so eloquently that ‘he was thinking of me today’, or ‘she remembered me when she saw that book’, by giving a small present or token. This language is not about money spent, but about being known by our partner, and remembered by them. Everyday expressions of our love like this can be a potent gesture of affection – we know we are being carried in our partner’s heart, even when we’re apart. But don’t forget to put some thought into the bigger occasions too – missing anniversaries, birthday celebrations or special days have a very negative affect on someone who primarily speaks this language.
4. Acts of Service - this person feels love when others help them out or serve them Perhaps putting out the bins or washing the dishes may not seem to be the most romantic gesture you’ve ever imagined, but to the speakers of this language, it’s better than a dozen red roses! Expressing love through acts of service isn’t about being a doormat, and it can’t be coerced or manipulated. Making genuine, unforced offers of practical help, and being proactive about how you can serve your significant other are the key elements of this language. Classic pitfalls here would be failing to follow through on offers of assistance, or making daily life more difficult (leaving dirty laundry on the floor instead of in the linen basket, failing to get up off the sofa when there are jobs to be done).
5. Physical Touch - this person feels love when others touch them lovingly Although someone who feels love the most in this way is likely to desire sexual intimacy with their partner, physical touch is about much more than just that. Holding hands, a gentle pat or stroke on the back, shoulder or face, a warm hug or light touch all matter to this person. Make sure you make yourself available physically in many different ways – drawing close, perhaps just sitting cuddled up together whilst watching a film, demonstrates warmth and connection in this language. Coldness, withdrawal or physical abuse have a fiercely harmful impact, damaging trust and vulnerability.
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S U M M A R Y : The 5 Love Languages GARY CHAPMAN
isandrews.com
How to figure out your primary language: •
How did you know your parents loved you? What did they do that made you know you were loved? That is probably your love language.
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When you think about experiences (particularly with your partner) that have really hurt or cut you to the core, what were they? These might give you some clues about your love language.
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What do you do when you want to show someone you love them? That's probably your love language.
Considering your partner’s primary love language: Spend some time thinking about things that your partner often does which might help you to identify their primary love language. For example… •
Do they frequently compliment you on your appearance, or mention that you did something well?
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Do they often ask about when you can spend an evening together?
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Are they in the habit of giving you little token presents for no particular reason, or putting in lots of effort over celebrating your birthday or anniversary?
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Do they regularly offer to help out with jobs or tasks you have to accomplish?
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Is their first resort in a conflict or difficulty to go for a hug or similar form of contact?
It’s important to remember that love languages are different ways of saying the same thing. Learning about them helps us to communicate more effectively with those around us, especially our partner, but we mustn’t dismiss or ignore messages not spoken in our particular dialect. If your husband sacrifices time in his day to meet you for lunch, or your wife takes extra time over cooking a good meal for your family, that is a demonstration of their love and commitment, regardless of whether you might have preferred flowers or a kiss! Some forms of expressing our feelings may come more easily or naturally to us than others, but we should take the opportunity to develop our ability to show love in all these different ways. We can learn to express our love in ways that speak to the heart of our partner. Understanding their love language also enables us recognise their heart towards us.
by Is Andrews
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