SUMMARY:
isandrews.com
Crucial Conversations
KERRY PATTERSON, JOSEPH GRENNY, RON MCMILLAN & AL SWITZLER
by Is Andrews
“Speak when you are angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Dr Laurence J. Peter, educator and systems analyst
Crucial conversations happen to everyone - they are the conversations that affect the quality of our lives, in both the personal and the professional realm. Crucial conversations are those in which opinions vary, the stakes are high, and emotions are strong. They are conversations about tough issues, areas people normally shy away from talking about. They might centre around finance, family ties, work commitments, friendships, or how you spend your leisure time. Take a moment to think of the things that matter to you… what happens if your wife or husband doesn’t value those things in the same way? Or consider an important decision you need to make together – how will you go about making sure you both are able to fully express your opinions, and yet still come to strong agreement on the outcome? Unless we can master having crucial conversations with our partners, we’ll spend our marriages either avoiding tricky topics, or facing confrontation but doing it badly! Often when it matters most to talk something through, we tend to be on our ‘worst behaviour’. We panic, we struggle to marshal our thoughts together and discuss things clearly, and often emotive language and self-defeating patterns of withdrawal or aggression lead us into arguments or stalemates. Crucial conversations involve successful dialogue: the free flow of information between people. People who know how to get all sides of an issue out into the open can make it ‘safe’ for everyone participating in the conversation to add their thoughts, ideas and opinions to the shared pool of knowledge and information. The authors of Crucial Conversations identify seven basic principles of successful dialogue, which we’ll explore in brief.
Step 1: Start with the Heart Stay focused on what you really want. Check the motives behind what you’re saying: do you just want to ‘win’? Are you embarrassed, talked into a corner, and don’t feel you can back down? Are you trying to second-guess your partner’s hidden needs or desires? Ask: • • •
What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship?
Step 2: Learn to Look Here, the key is being able to notice both the content of your conversations and the conditions – that is what someone is saying, and how they are saying it. • •
Watch out for physical, emotional or behavioural cues that the conversation is a crucial one (such as a dry mouth or racing heart; feeling hurt, angry or panicked; people become louder or much quieter). Recognise silence and violence: when people feel unsafe in a conversation, they will often either withdraw or avoid further interaction (by going quiet and passive, or even physically exiting the scene), or seek to take control by using aggressive, attacking behaviours (for example “that’s just a typically female response”, “I don’t
Page 1
S U M M A R Y : Crucial Conversations KERRY PATTERSON, JOSEPH GRENNY, RON MCMILLAN & AL SWITZLER
isandrews.com
•
understand how anyone with any compassion could see it that way”), or using threats are classic forms of conversational ‘violence’. Assess your own tendencies – do you tend to go on the offensive when you’re under pressure, and do whatever it takes to get your view heard? Or are you more inclined to retreat and quietly seethe with frustration and resentment, refusing to engage in the debate? Being aware of your own ‘style under stress’ will help you to avoid these pitfalls, and continue to check the motives behind your speech.
Step 3: Make It Safe How do you make it safe to talk about almost anything? •
• • •
Mutual purpose – we’re talking because we have a shared interest, a mutual goal or value that we’re trying to meet (such as family planning, how to design our budget for the next year, what kind of home we should buy). Maintain this purpose as the architecture for your conversation and don’t be diverted into defensiveness, hidden agendas or accusations. Mutual respect – we can continue talking because we respect one another, regardless of our current disagreement. Apologise when appropriate. If either mutual purpose or respect has been violated, you need to sincerely apologise to your partner before you can move forward. Use contrast to fix misunderstanding – this is when an apology isn’t necessary, but your partner is still hurt or upset by something that’s been said. Using contrast (“I didn’t mean this, and in fact I meant that”) you can deliver necessary feedback in a sensitive way.
Step 4: Master Your Stories Staying in dialogue, even when you’re angry, scared or hurt. •
Our emotions don’t just appear out of the blue, and we don’t have to be held hostage by them. We can figure out how we got to our state of distress by ‘stepping out’ of the conversation for a moment and retracing our path: o o o
o
o
Notice your own behaviour. Am I in some form of silence or violence? What emotions are encouraging you to act this way? Am I angry, disappointed, embarrassed, hurt etc? What internal dialogue is creating these emotions? “She came home from work late and then sat down at the computer for twenty minutes before even asking how I was – the only possible response is to feel angry and rejected.” Analyse your story – are you just considering the facts, or spinning them from your own viewpoint? You were involved in an activity and didn’t ask her how her day was either, she’s often late on a Tuesday, she looks tired, there were some important emails connected with work she needed to reply to before she felt she could finish for the night etc. Assess your own input – have you acted right, or are there things you should have done differently? Don’t rationalise or justify your actions to yourself; try and consider your behaviour so far with objectivity.
Page 2
S U M M A R Y : Crucial Conversations KERRY PATTERSON, JOSEPH GRENNY, RON MCMILLAN & AL SWITZLER
isandrews.com
•
Tell the rest of the story: complete the picture by mapping out a way forward, rather than allowing yourself to remain trapped as a victim or villain in a helpless situation. o o o o
Are you pretending not to notice your role in the problem? Why would a reasonable, rational, and decent person behave as your partner is? Remember – what do you really want? What would you do right now if you really wanted these results?
Step 5: ‘STATE’ Your Path ‘STATE’ is a five stage process that will help you speak with confidence, humility and skill – being completely honest in what you have to share without arrogance or abrasiveness. •
Share your facts: facts are the least controversial, most persuasive elements of your analysis of the situation.
•
Tell your story: explain what you’re beginning to conclude through your responses to the facts.
•
Ask for others’ thoughts: encourage others to share both their facts and their stories.
•
Talk tentatively: state your story as a story – don’t disguise it as a fact.
•
Encourage testing: make it safe for others to express differing or even opposing views.
Step 6: Explore Others’ Paths Listening with empathy – even when your partner blows up or clams up – requires sincerity, curiosity and patience. In order to help your husband or wife to share their stories and facts, you can use the following techniques: • • • • • •
Asking: simply expressing interest in the other person’s views. Mirroring: respectfully acknowledging the emotions people appear to be feeling. Paraphrasing: as they begin to share part of their story, restating what you’ve heard. Priming: if your partner holds back, gently taking your best guess as what they may be thinking and feeling. Agreeing: when you agree, say so. Building: rather than focusing on elements you disagree on, agree where you can, then build on this by adding your own thoughts and suggestions.
•
Comparing: when you differ significantly, don’t suggest others are wrong. Compare your views.
Step 7: Move to Action Turn crucial conversations into action and results, by determining who does what by when. Where it’s helpful, set a follow-up time to review your progress, and be prepared to hold each other accountable to your promises. by Is Andrews
Page 3