Epilogue

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During the course of my journey, I realised that people are generally helpful. I gradually overcame my hesitation of asking for help by admitting my limitations. It was difficult initially, but I overcame my inhibition. I started requesting people to help. The response was mostly ‘spontaneity to help’, while some tried to help even without my asking as they got to know my limitations. Very few refused. Many strangers have also helped.

I experienced that it is good to dream, find some dreams becoming a reality to give you only a momentary happiness. The moment you realise that a dream has become a reality, you need to have a new dream. All dreams cannot become true! There are many dreams which are never realised. With time one learns to accept the reality and move on with the new ones. It is satisfying to help others to realise their dreams by giving your ideas, time and support. It is equally fulfilling. By sharing our own sorrows, problems and pains, we unburden ourselves. We actually experience a relief. And by reaching out, we realise that we have unlimited energy and inner strength! Getting connected to people of all ages, makes us better human beings, as each one has a message for us. It helps us to motivate others with our experiences. Reading and revisiting happier moments have helped me overcome difficult emotional and professional situations. We need to take away our focus from issues that bother us to think clearly to find a workable

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solution. My parents had passed on this value to me and to my brothers. All parents should help their children by passing on the value of learning to cope and take up everything in stride.

Staying with people who have a positive attitude, reading which makes us feel good, watching the sunshine, flowers, water bodies, the moon and the stars help us to stay happy, contended and find solutions to problems and face challenges. We can overcome all that we need to by staying calm and making an effort. ‘Never to panic or get nervous is most important.’

In the last 20 years of my spinal issues, I discovered that it was a blessing to have witnessed the goodness of so many who gave me a hand, many a times even without asking. I often kept telling myself that I needed to remember those who had tougher physical problems, had less support and yet adjusted to life with dignity!

Each relative, friend and colleague made me learn to carry on and realise the truth and depth of this Irish belief:

Always remember to forget the things that make us sad, but never forget to remember the things that make us glad.

Always remember to forget the friends who proved untrue but never forget to remember those who stuck by us.

Always remember to forget the troubles that passed away, but never forget to remember that the blessings too have come our way!

Each human being is a combination of good and bad. No one can be always good or bad. Many a times goodness is judged wrongly. We need to avoid being judgemental, to stay happy and positive. I had colleagues who tried to get my work pushed out to get theirs pushed in. I never ever let them know that I was aware of it or it was upsetting me. I kept up with the team spirit and only looked at the positive side of those colleagues. We remained friends because I realised that they were also the ones rushing to stop the lift, hold my hand, make me sit in the car, helped in my physical rehabilitation when I joined back after six months of being bed ridden, adjusting to severe spinal pain and discomfort. Back home it was my husband and my son who helped me every moment of the day and rushed to provide support. My brothers Anand and

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Ashok, and Queenie were a great support and reached out, as always, on their own. My colleagues helped me to adjust to my emotional pain and grief when I lost Devendra. Manu and Priya never let a day pass without their concern and love. Anand visited me every day, sometimes twice a day! Zenobia kept calling me from London and so did Azad while Ashok, Queenie and Gayatri stayed with me from morning to night for 15 days, they did not even go to their factory in Gurgaon.

I have realised that forgiveness has great healing power. It becomes possible when a partner, a parent, a child or a friend uses the restraint of not using an incident to overjudge, look for the previous ones to overevaluate. In a situation like this, it becomes our habit to keep looking for negative incidents, overlooking the positive ones in a relationship. This causes pain and withholds healing. However, when we make an effort to remember one positive incident, we can think of so many positives of the same person. We all need to heal ourselves.

We need to be cautious of being judgemental. Every human being contributes to one or the other section of society or profession. It is easy to find faults, sit back and criticize, making it a hobby, a pass time! Some feel that only those in politics seek favours. Each one wants to be close to those politicians who are in power, have the right and desire to get the work done. It is alright and natural to forget them once the work is done. We plan for fresh projects. As long as we keep getting favours, the politicians are good, the moment they fail to meet our expectations, they become bad. There have been leaders who contribute so much to raise issues, address issues with dignity, without over projection, who help so many in so many ways. Most of us have been given in to believe that only those who are elected from constituencies, through public mandate are the ones who should be respected. ‘Winning an election is considered to be the greatest and ultimate achievement for people in politics and their families.’

Everyone does not have to be a mass leader. Even Sushma Swaraj and Arun Jaitley, were not (there was a TV debate soon after their passing away), but when they passed away, surge of crowds spoke of their goodness and capability! We need leaders of a country

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in different areas – Diplomacy, International Relations, Foreign Policy, Regional Co-operation, Participation in Parliamentary debates, writing books, Globalisation, Environmental challenges, Cyber and Defence Security etc. Everyone, however needs to stay focussed while keeping in view interconnectivity of one with the other. No subject area or specialisation can survive on its own, multi-disciplinarity and inter-disciplinarity has been the practice for more than two decades now!

It was beautiful to listen to Prof Sugata Bose, Member of Parliament, Lok Sabha, at the Centre for Policy Research. He is a Professor of History at Harvard University. While replying to a question on Parliament not working, members creating a ruckus, he said ‘differences get meaningfully negotiated in Standing Committees of Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha and also in the Joint Committees of Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha. A lot of work actually gets done! This is sadly never brought to the notice of the public’. When members walk out, they stay in Parliament for party meetings while some go to the Parliament Library. The media projects frequent adjournments as wastage of public money rather than the members trying to meaningfully work for resolution of conflicts and making an effort to get many Bills do get passed.

Being a student of History and Constitutional Development, I realise that the Upper House of Parliament gives meaning and grace to any country’s political life. Their level of discussions and debates has intellect! However, there is nothing one can do about the casual comments made on members of Upper House. In India, it is Rajya Sabha. Those who come to it are either elected by state legislatures, or nominated. The nominated ones have made considerable contribution to their field. There are exceptions, some of them are brilliant in their understanding, intellect, writing and depth. Their contribution to raise the quality and level of debates is unfortunately realised by very few.

History as a subject is not History alone, which has been ridiculed as a subject for so long by so many in most institutions in the world. A person with Social Science and Humanities background also needs to have a basic understanding of political, economic, social, literary and religious developments in an

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electoral democracy and its challenges in contemporary period. Equally important is an understanding of international relations and foreign policy, an analysis of trends etc. Students need to be trained in the ability to recognise, acknowledge, analyse and communicate different points of view. History can contribute to understanding how society, economy, education and politics have grown and, how at a faster pace now.

Each one of us needs to exercise restraint when using bad language, getting judgemental about public figures. The tendency to generalise gives a feeling that everyone is bad in politics. The public scrutiny of one section leads to overlooking the crimes, corruption, rude and unethical behaviour of many of us in other professions including academia. Many politicians and academicians need to keep raising issues. Agreeing to disagree needs to be followed by both.

Relationships of all kinds, family, social and professional keep changing. I keep realising that richness is the generosity of a large heart. So, many people do many things for many other people. It is healthy to compete with oneself only. It brings disappointment when one competes with others. We need to realise that most of us have unrealised dreams and a destiny of our own. Everyone cannot do everything or be everywhere. Richness and legacy is not confined to wealth and property. The rich generally have unlimited wealth. They can plan for generations, but those who are poor, know how to enjoy the weekend by visiting a friend or a relative or inviting someone over. They participate in joys and sorrows of their friends and relatives, manage treatment of a family member with a sense of duty. They know how to enjoy even with the bare minimum. Some of us accomplish intellectually, others academically, some administratively, some can be spiritually satisfied while others can be in a state of bliss with their books, during walks in beautiful gardens and parks. Some meet beautiful human beings and look forward to spending time with them. Some get uncontrollably excited the moment they see water bodies, listen to the chirping of the birds, listen to the sound of walking on the dry fallen leaves in the forest. I have always felt that I am the richest person, experiencing the state of bliss as I read or write, meet beautiful human beings, spend time with nature and buy ‘not expensive

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but beautiful and uncommon gifts’ regularly, in large numbers, to express my gratitude, wish birthdays, wedding anniversaries and ‘get well soon’ for those who are unwell!

I keep gifts at workplace, in my handbag when travelling and at home believing that I would find someone to say ‘Thank you!’. I only pick up what is beautiful and affordable. Most people in India have started evaluating gifts in terms of their brand or price, etc. They do not hesitate to pass comments. This is true more for family members. The rest will quietly tell you ‘there was no need’. It is sad to see gifts being disrespected. Most of us do not realise the effort and the feeling that goes in picking up a gift or even repacking what you received because you are occupied with something. Even a repacked gift needs a thought, time and feelings. Disrespect for gifts, freshly bought or received and packed again generally get similar treatment. For me, gifts which are sent unpacked also bring beautiful feelings!

I feel and wish that administrators need to find ways to help colleagues facing difficult situations, their own health or family member’s. Rules, regulations and formalities come in to impede effective performance. These need to be used to facilitate and not hold back performance at work. A young teacher was fully supported to participate in NCERT’s Teachers Training Programme because, the Principal and the entire staff created a protective shield as she faced her kidney failure at a time when her kids were very small. Central School in Delhi Cantonment, where she worked, ensured that her salary was not deducted as long as she survived. This is only possible when we have the will and courage to provide support and not choose the easier option of formalities of following rules to impede participation of our colleagues!

A family with a special child has to meet and accept challenges which are physically, mentally and emotionally very difficult and exhausting. Many family members, friends and colleagues will never understand, not even make an effort to objectively look at the situation of such a family which actually needs understanding, enormous support and empathy. Most of us want to dismiss the level of difficulty of this family. It is more difficult if the family is highly educated, has support structures because it is this family which becomes a target when they need someone to run around,

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to be allowed to carry more luggage, medicines, food and a piano for their severely autistic child, has the biggest difficulty of being punctual. The child, or even an adult, finds it difficult to face crowds, needs to avoid frisking at the airports and loud noises. Figuring what can upset the child or a young person with severe autism and self injury syndrome is also daunting for the family. Yet the family does everything with an intention which is matchless, a positivity that is eternal and a hope which is endless. The family’s effort to cope with mental and physical fatigue is continuous because each member is focussed and genuine in his/her concern for the special child. It tries to ignore and overlook with a heavy heart the insensitivity of distant, close, and not so close friends or family members. The support is, many times, unexpectedly received from strangers, doctors and security guards. This keeps the family’s faith and hope in goodness of humanity alive and to keep moving on, after every trying and difficult experience.

Richness or high status does not, in any way, impact the dedication of such a family. The rich and high status parents also rush to push their child’s stretcher to the operation theatre, deal with the pain, be with the child for physiotherapy and hydrotherapy. Friends, relatives and colleagues pay less attention when the family remains without meals, leaves meals in-between to attend to their child. Most will find time to make stories when this family will invite people to their house or get invited by friends or decides to take a holiday or visit a hotel. It is as if they have no right to be happy, to laugh, to have a holiday or to sometimes take time off. What many of us forget is, that even during these periods, the family is still holding on to their child. They do not ever imagine shirking away from their sense of duty with commitment. The family gets to feel the change with an alertness of a unique kind to respond to the needs of their special child. They need to take the child to a room in a hotel. I was so moved hearing Anand tell Zenobia in 2018, ‘I am waiting for the day when we will be able to take Gyan to a restaurant as he wants to go’.

I feel happy observing young parents talking to their children, sharing and making them see birds, flowers, stars, and the sun! Dr Naman an Internal Medicine specialist at Medanta finds time to take his small daughter for walks in the morning to bond with her

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beautifully. His wife Doctor Rashmi has left her job to ensure an emotionally secure childhood of her daughter.

Indian society is generally insensitive to children and persons with special needs, especially Autism. The agony of parents of Tarun Gupta, ever since they lost him in October, 2019 at a Mumbai station, is beyond anyone’s imagination. They keep visiting station after station, ever since a video clip showed him being pushed by Railway Police man into a coach which carries heavy luggage and, second time the insensitivity of a passenger on whose seat, he tried to sit after getting out of compartment and boarding a train!

Dr Neera Nath lost her husband a few years ago. She retired from AIIMS. Her older son is settled in the USA, the younger one is challenged. She broke down during her morning walk that how cruel our own people and society is towards special children. She said she has left her son in an institution as at her age anything can happen to her, ‘atleast my son will be looked after’.

I feel sad when I see the rich bargaining for more concessions. It saps energy of everyone around, makes one lose the joy of buying something that one likes. I am often reminded of a story that Mummy used to tell us as children that when we are all the time counting what we have, again and again, we lose the joy of having what we have been blessed with. We spend all our time and energy only to check that everything that we have is there, and, think it is never enough. The urge to have more, kills the joy of enjoying what we have.

I have experienced that fashions come and go, and, what has gone comes back in a short span. I never get tempted to go in for the latest clothes, bags, wallets, watches, cars, mobile phones and iPads. I have never had the urge to possess what others have. I feel that I have a dream house, the best of parents, the best of in-laws, siblings and their families, the best children in the world, the best of in-laws, the best uncles, aunties, cousins and their children and the next generation, our grandchildren.

It was a beautiful feeling to be treated with love by Ishani whom I met when she was in Class IX. She is our neighbour in Kelleston, Shimla. A group of six young mothers are staying in six flats to educate their children with a great sense of responsibility. The husbands work hard on their apple and other fruit orchards to

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provide resources for their children’s education. They ensure that they are there for their children to share their emotions, pressures and happiness. The children too feel responsible to do well. This is what Ishani wrote when she joined her college in first year:

‘Thank you so much auntie Kiran for everything. I am unable to express how happy I am to have an auntie like you. It was really nice on your part to take out time from your busy schedule for me. Interacting with you is always inspiring. The way you admire my parents and me boosts up my confidence and gives me the strength to be always up and running. Your name is just appropriate to your persona ‘Kiran’, a ray of hope for many, I being one of them. You are surely one of my biggest inspiration. Do visit me when you come to Chandigarh. God be with you till we meet again. With love - Ishani’.

From Papa we learnt that we should buy good quality things. We should never go in for cheap things because these will not last, and will need to be repaired again and again. A good quality shoe, bag, dress would last as it will take care of itself. He always took us for buying everything from Janaki Das on Mall Road, never from Lower Bazar. Janaki Das, I now recall had beautiful, good quality things. It was actually a Departmental Store where everything was available. Fortunately, Devendra and I thought on similar lines till we were in our early 50s. We went for beautiful, good quality things, later for affordable ‘so-called brands, United Colors of Benetton, Woodland, Puma, Adidas, Fab India, Kilol and Hidesign’. We actually believed that unbranded things were more beautiful and practical.

We loved things which looked beautiful and sophisticated. We picked up so much from State Emporia and Dilli Haat. Gauri and Gayatri gift me expensive branded gifts and bags. I use them occasionally. I feel inhibited in using them as I feel that both my personality and profession cannot carry these! I get uncomfortable. I have conveyed my discomfort with brands to Rashmiji and Priya as well, both of them have been gifting me expensive, branded bags and other beautiful things. I love inexpensive things which look

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beautiful and unique, even a single coaster of sunset in Hawaii, a Malaysian car perfume with a lovely message, a small clock with roses and butterflies for my book rack!

For me, gestures of warmth and care are invaluably precious. I feel humbled whenever Nandini, a young artist from JJ School of Art, Bombay and London School of Arts, sees me entering her shop in Courtyard, which is full of beautiful things, she tells her assistant to take care of other customers, ‘I will do everything for Ma’am’. She has been wrapping my beautiful inexpensive gifts with so much of patience and care. Nandini does not mind spending more than two hours for me as I sit in her comfortable chair. She embarrasses me each time by never charging for the beautiful wrapping with ribbons, mostly golden with red and white with a shimmer! It is difficult to explain how overwhelmed I feel as I walk out. This happens during Diwali and Christmas rush as well when a lot of customers are waiting impatiently! I feel blessed when Rabia treats me with so much of respect when I go to her shop in Courtyard to pick up dresses for Vaidehi. It is a similar experience with Prashant, he leaves customers to come out to touch my feet and say ‘you are one of the most positive aunties’.

I write because I want to. It gives me satisfaction to absorb first, internalise to write and then take quite some time to finalise. I have never felt the need to go after numbers with regard to publishing. I was zapped when a Pro-Vice-Chancellor proudly shared with me that she had hundreds of papers and a large number of books and so did her daughter at a young age. I wondered at the possibility of compromise with quality! Most accomplished scholars get the satisfaction of not compromising with quality, numbers have no significance for their excellence in academics! I am sad that academicians are in a hurry to publish, whatever, wherever.

Over the years, I experienced that History as a subject cannot be understood, discussed or taught as History alone. A person with social science background needs to have a basic understanding of political science, economics, sociology, international affairs, foreign policy – even science subjects and have a scientific temper. Equally important is the analyses of trends etc. Students need to be trained in the skills to recognise, analyse and communicate different points of view with objectivity and rationale. It is painful to find so many

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ridiculing History even in 2019, in spite of the fact that so many with background in History have been able to accept challenges and excel at workplaces which have little to do with History.

The Air Force Officer Wives’ Welfare Association looks after Santushti Complex where I have been going for decades. I am greeted with so much of warmth, each one makes an effort to remove all the price tags, bubble wrap things or gift wrap with a lot of patience and care. A senior officer’s wife, Ms Neeta Chaudhari, who was the Manager there, took extra steps to accommodate me even during heavy rush of customers! Ms Bhageshwari Vidhate is as caring now! YP Singh, Jitender Kumar, Barik Jagbandhu, SP Singh, Manoj Kumar Pal, Aarti Maurya and Seema Devi, all of them go out of their way to help me in many ways.

I have such beautiful experiences each time I visit the Midland Book Shop in Aurobindo Market. Asfar, his son and nephew all know that I will not pick up a single copy of a book! I need multiple copies for gifting. Each one understands what my taste and choice is! The packet becomes heavy and huge, it is sent to my car without my asking. They understand that it will be difficult for me to carry.

Rajeev Sakhuja who has made small investments for me, ensures that the smallest of my request is attended to with a lot of attention and care. He would make his staff rush to Gurgaon from Defence Colony to ensure that my work is treated on priority. He comes up to receive me, take me to his office and escorts me back to the car after offering me Starbucks coffee. He knows I love it. He tells his clients who invest heavy amounts to wait till he receives, attends to me and drops me back. There are many such places where I receive so much of care and warmth. Why I have mentioned these is because not having financial richness has never made a difference to me. People have been respectful, warm and kind to me, irrespective of my financial status.

Receiving messages from Rani Tokas gives me a sense of satisfaction. I had met her at Bhagat Phool Singh University, as its faculty. She pursued her PhD in Sociology from JNU. This is what she remembers to communicate:

‘Good evening Ma’am, Happy Teachers Day. Thank you so much for kind blessings and support. I feel so

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inspired and peaceful after talking to you. I offer my heartfelt gratitude to you for always being so caring and warm. Fortunate to have your blessings Ma’am.’ ‘With profound regards - Rani’.

Maurice amazed with his positivity and gestures of sensitivity and kindness. He made my stay special at Welcome Grand Bay Hotel in Vishakhapatnam. I met Dr Urvashi Sharma, a practicing Dermatologist in Delhi–Kalka Shatabdi train. Talking to her was a treat, receiving her help with sensitivity and respect as we got down at Chandigarh Station was a blessing. At the station, she kept on holding my suitcase till the driver came running. She came back to India after working for years in Canada to be with her mother after her father passed away.

Participation in an interactive session with Mathew Spacie in Mumbai was a truly satisfying experience. He was calm, did not get excited, had the satisfaction of genuinely helping children with Magic Bus. He is the person who chose to leave his prestigious jobs, COO of Cox & Kings and Founder of Cleartrip. Magic Bus is now a movement to empower children from weaker sections. It sounds exciting that in Mumbai hundreds, thousands of children feel empowered when they play Rugby, Cricket and Football. Magic Bus takes care of underprivileged children from childhood to livelihood while protecting their dignity. It has spread its reach in India, in 22 States and outside India.

Mathew took me by surprise while answering questions on fund raising. He advised that NGOs should have the courage to return money to the donors if they add their own agenda – like with education expect the NGO to cover other areas like environment, health, etc. NGOs lose their credibility when they agree to do what the donors want them to do and end up compromising with everything! Unlike hundreds of NGOs who make little effort to stop getting pushed by the donors and their additional agenda, Mathew has the courage to say ‘No’, and to return the donors’ money.

He is also an example of how delegation of authority and responsibility is carried out in spirit and action. He has moved away from his position of CEO to create space for the new CEO, his

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focus is on fund raising and expansion of the movement, ensuring quality.

Flying to Mumbai on September 3, 2019 by Vistara’s ‘RetroJet’ was a historical experience. I realized it when Manu expressed his happiness once the flight had landed. I felt blessed.

Devendra and I became professors when we were above 50 years old. We were happy because we still had so many years to go. We felt blessed, but felt sorry, for so many of our colleagues who retired without getting professorship. Both of us were never desperate and occasionally shared that quick promotions make us miss depth, understanding and maturity. We often wondered if one reaches the top too soon, what would be there to look forward to. What was important for us to ponder over that no one can be on the top all the time, each one of us has to begin from the lowest position, be it a General, a Principal of a school or college, a Vice Chancellor, a Director or a CEO or a top business person. Those who sustain themselves gracefully do have a lot of patience.

I feel blessed to have been able to share what was passed on to me and what I could reflect during my several Keynote Addresses in national and international conferences and meetings. So many made me feel special for not delivering stereotypical lectures, keynote addresses and even writing of academic papers. The effort of so many generous academicians have been responsible for keeping me intellectually alive!

The appreciation by the audience surprises me. One such example is of Mizoram University:

Dear Madam, Hearty Greetings! I have attended today’s inaugural program to encourage my colleagues in the Department of Psychology. I was delighted to listen to you on such a contemporary topic relating to everybody’s life in such simple words without using the words of jargon and theories of our subjects. The content as well as the way you presented it focusing humanity, kindness and human relations touched everybody’s heart. I want to listen some of your lectures, may be available in YouTube and also go through your writings for my benefit. Kindly help me. I

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pray to the Almighty to shower you and your family with His blessings!

With regards,

Dr NVR Jyoti Kumar, Professor, Department of Commerce

Dean, School of Economics, Management and

Information Science, Mizoram University (A Central University with Grade A by NAAC), Aizawl

Each one of us in our leadership positions need to create an enabling environment for every team member. A leader needs to keep looking for the strengths of each member while addressing the weakness. Something that I appreciate is taking a stand for one’s team member appreciating publicly every member for a task accomplished. Building a healthy team spirit needs to become a priority of every leader, from the smallest to the biggest. Flow of positive energy makes everyone accept challenges for continuously performing to deliver and meet deadlines. Emotional intelligence needs to take over at work place to make everyone feel encouraged in one way or the other. We must ensure that we use mind and heart to avoid mechanical functioning.

Books do become our teacher and companion. They show us the way, offer solutions to our problems, make us happy, address our curiosities, heal us, comfort us and empower us. They can also make us address our fears and anxieties. Books played a great role while we were growing up, when we were young and now when we need them as a habit to calm us. Books still help me to stay calm and maintain my sanity. A book that left an indelible impression was Life of Marie Curie, which Papa brought for me when I was in Class IV. I learnt so much from it and treated Marie Curie as my role model. Each book has taught me to work hard, cope with the worst, enjoy nature, and enjoy sipping tea or coffee in beautiful places.

I have enjoyed works of Ruskin Bond, I still look forward to reading his musings from the mountains. What I like about him is his resolve to keep writing with hand, I do it myself, and many feel that I am ‘old school’. Colleagues and friends tell me with pride that they can type straight on their laptops.

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Thomas Hardy, I learnt to appreciate in my youth. I enjoy works of Somerset Maugham, Pearl S Buck, Mitch Albom, Nisbet’s Railway Children, Paul Kalanithi’s When Breath Becomes Air, Jerome K Jerome’s Three Men in a Boat, works of Richard P Feynman, Randy Pausch’s The Last Lecture, Tagore’s Gitanjali, Aurobindo’s Savitri, works of Frederik Backman, Will Schwalbe, most volumes of Chicken Soup for the Soul. Jhumpa Lahiri’s the Lowland, Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, most books written on Marie Curie especially the one written by her daughter Eve Curie. The book on Kalpana Chawla, works of Premchand, poems of Nirala, Ramdhari Singh Dinkar, Subhadra Kumari Chauhan, Lee Harper’s To Kill a Mocking Bird, Eleanor H Porter’s Pollyanna, works of Chinua Achebe, Barak Obama’s Audacity of Hope and Dreams from my Father, Henry David Thoreau’s Walden, Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Self Reliance and Nature, and others, works of Khalil Gibran, Victor Frankyl’s Man’s Search for Meaning; Arundhati Roy’s The God of Small Things and The Ministry of Utmost Happiness, Sunim Haemin’s The Things You Can See Only when You Slow Down, Oprah Winfrey’s What I know for Sure, works of Antoine de Saint Exubery especially The Little Prince, Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time, works of Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein and many more authors, many poets and their works.

Victor Hugo’s The Hunchback of Notre-Dame saddened and amazed me as he has discussed fire in Notre-Dame in 1830. Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged and other books kept me engaged. I started reading Anne Frank’s Diary as a student, I still read and wonder how she wrote it under the toughest situations of the Nazi concentration camp, at the age of fourteen! Each author, poet and book has helped me to appreciate small things, stay happy and peaceful, sometime sad for days! I am in a state of bliss in parks, garden and hills during my morning walks. I learn to cope and remain grounded.

I learnt from the wisdom of my fellow members in the Governing Bodies of many colleges of Delhi University, from the fellow Jury members of important committees to be a part of collective decision making and rarely dissent on issues which were of academic significance and justice.

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My bucket list includes a visit to Lapland in Europe, to go to St. Nicholas’ village and help the believers of Santa Claus’ philosophy in their mission to take away pain and misery, wash away tears and bring smiles to as many as possible. I wish to carry a big suitcase of beautiful but useful Indian gifts and cards with messages and blessings to be distributed by Santa Claus next Christmas.

I wish to once again visit the Havelock Island in Andamans to experience joy and a deep sense of wonder seeing the army of small and big crabs with shells on their back marching in a hurry of a hurricane! It makes me happy! It is an invaluable gift for me to watch nature to feel my soul soaring!

I have been blessed with the joy and satisfaction to have Manu, Priya and Vaidehi as my children who have given me a feeling of being loved everyday. My birthday in 2018 was special because in the morning I received beautiful flowers, a little later Manu’s call at his usual call time in the morning between 9 and 9.10 am. The moment his call got over, Priya called up to sing with Vaidehi ‘Happy Birthday’. It was the greatest joy I have ever experienced!

I feel, longevity with fitness makes sense. One can continue to do something for many. I salute the world’s oldest skydiver, Irene O’Shea, who, at the age of 102, has the positive energy to raise money for a charity to support the cause of Motor Neuron Disease. Her daughter had died due to this terrible disease.

I feel that when you think of your loved ones who have left this world, at what age they left is of little significance. You miss the persons, your relationship, their presence. The moment you think of them you feel the loss. The announcements, obituaries, remembrances, had for years been giving a lot of credence to the date of birth and death. I find it quite unnecessary. It is a relief to find that many have realised the worthlessness of it and we now come across several announcements, obituaries, remembrances without the date of birth and death.

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The other thing that has bothered me is the overdoing of prayer meetings or following a pattern with rigidity. One has come across negative comments and a sense of competition even on such solemn occasions. This gives a feeling that only a few can organise such sad functions lavishly. There is a trend to choose the best service providers and caterers! Most bring in the richness or status to impress. These prayer meetings need to be organised well, aesthetically for the respect and peace of the departed and a sense of satisfaction for the family.

Obituaries, remembrances and prayer meetings have lost meaning with WhatsApp. It is checked by most of those who come to participate and even those who are speaking or singing. We need to rethink on these issues. Ever since my father passed away, I realised that seeing him suffer was painful. We need to get objective about clinging to a loved one who suffers endlessly.

I wish to request my son Manu and Priya, and both my brothers, not to give an obituary or a remembrance in the newspaper and to skip a prayer meeting. I wish to donate my body organs, if they are healthy, to help those who would be able to use them. I do not wish to be bed-ridden in case of prolonged illness, a coma or a terminal illness, which would only lead to silent suffering. I wish to request Manu and Priya to help me with euthanasia.

I appreciate the courage of Shivendra Sharma’s family to bring him home from the ICU of Fortis Hospital Gurgaon after a month, stop medicines and using the ventilator when needed. The decision saved Shivendra from vegetative living. He passed away on the fourth day to the better word. It was the toughest decision taken by the family, parents, brother, sister. Shivendra was 48 years old.

It was so painful to feel helpless with Kunti Mummy screaming in excruciating pain in the last four weeks of her life. I feel numb whenever I remember this. I thought of Kunti Mummy as I listened to similar screams of Tuli auntie in her last year-and-a-half, each time she stood up to take the walker to move and continuous screams in her last few days. She went through three cycles of Chemotherapy. Her survival for two-three years gave so much of pain to her and an overwhelming emotional pain and helplessness to her husband Prof Tuli, a renowned Orthopedic surgeon and their daughters Dr Neena Bhasin and Dr Varuna Joshi, who came

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from the US for ten days, but postponed her fight, realizing that there was hardly any time left for her mother to leave this world. I saw her, Prof Tuli and Varuna break down several times and still trying to manage to look after Tuli auntie.

We can never have good relations with our friends, colleagues, neighbours and family when we constantly criticize them, look for their faults and feel happy when they are exposed. We tend to believe that only we are upright and good. This could be partly true. One must refrain from blaming others for one’s destiny when we are at the bottom, and, take all the credit when we are on the top! In order to move on we need to stop thinking of defeats and losses as no one knows when the wheel will go up to lift up our performance and spirits.

One needs to avoid telling others what to speak, what to wear, who to meet and getting curious to get information about others. It is humiliating for people. Over information would confuse, being judgemental would upset the one’s who are judging as well. When we discuss our family members and friends with others or let the others speak about them, it will eventually bring pain to us. We would have a sense of guilt when we are on our own, sitting alone or having sleepless nights!

Nothing can be more valuable for parents than receiving care and love from their children and their families. It was a time spent well and meaningfully when Manu, Priya and Vaidehi took me to spend a weekend at the ITC Grand Bharat. It was an experience which made me feel proud as I silently observed Manu’s interaction with his colleagues at all levels, sensitive, polite and also firm! His colleagues surrounded him affectionately, listening to him carefully, asking for his visiting card. He went back to the room to get his cards! This I thought was a beautiful gesture. For me Manu is still my child, I never realised the depth of his maturity and professionalism till I experienced it myself. I missed Devendra. He would have been so proud. During the evening Aarti (prayer) on the ghats of Yamuna at the Hotel, Priya lit all the Diyas, Manu protected those from the strong winds. Priya joined Manu throughout the aarti to protect the diyas from the winds while Vaidehi held the bell in her hand to make it ring beautifully. Devendra would have loved the way Priya coordinated everything.

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I am proud of her. She and Manu ensure that I am taken care of with love and respect even in big social functions where they take me along.

Priya was very sensitive, waiting for me, ordering food and ensuring that Vaidehi spent time with me! As we were leaving, Manu made Priya and me write the feedback, wrote his at the end, he gently asked Vaidehi to thank everyone! Priya has always ensured that Vaidehi learns to share, is good to children younger to her! Priya has worked to take away Vaidehi’s fear of getting into the swimming pool. It was lovely to see her swimming with her parents.

My recent visit to Kuala Lumpur for an International Conference made me nostalgic about the earlier International Conferences in the UK, US, Canada and Australia. Each one was enriching, like the Malaysian one. It was the first organised by the Malaysia School Psychology Association with flawless arrangements from receiving the delegates to dropping them back. Prof Marimuthu, the twotime former Member Parliament and a Minister led his team with his academic acumen, warmth and rigour. It was a beautiful learning to have interacted with him for hours, for five days.

I loved meeting Dr Harcharan Singh Sidhu, the Vice Chancellor of AIIMST University of Malaysia. Dr Balan Gunapathi, Ganeshan, Giri and so many others who were all the time coordinating to ensure my comfort during the academic sessions and the day long sight seeing. The presence of Prof Mehrajuddin Mir and his wife Dr Nighat Basu, Dr Gurmeet Singh, Vice Chancellor of Pondicherry University and his wife Dr Gurmeet Kaur was a blessing, They were all the time with me to hold my hand. All this was possible because of Dr Panch Ramalingam’s persistence to ensure my presence in Kuala Lumpur to be the Keynote Speaker! Dr Gurmeet Singh and his wife were as good to me in Basel, Switzerland; and Frankfurt, Germany and also in Sri Lanka during the Asia Pacific School Psychology Association meeting in Colombo. I love interacting with them.

I was in for a surprise when I experienced the spontaneity, positivity and sensitivity of Dr Harsh Kumar, Principal of Bal Bharti School, Manesar (Haryana) finding simple solutions to children’s and colleague’s difficult situation, giving each one a feeling that the

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entire school family is with them. He has abolished the system of ringing school bell at the end of periods. He feels that it is stressful for children. Teachers are trained to finish their classes on time as there is a wall clock facing them. The school is kept beautifully. It was a joy to visit this school which is stress free!

I am grateful to so many kind and beautiful people who have supported me, respected me, loved me. I never felt ignored or unwanted. Weeks back a young girl Pallavi saw me getting on a ramp, she offered me her hand coming down. She works with JK Tyres. I keep realising that the accomplished, rich or professional, every family has problems of relationships which are so difficult to handle emotionally. Many parents die without meeting their children, it is more painful and unbearable when they live in the same house, even when floors are different or happen to be in the same town, city. Many brothers and sisters do not meet at all. Most accept these bitter feelings and give up after trying for some time. While the poor struggle for survival; the rich, educated people express their helplessness in making the relationships work even at a formal level. The loss of feeling, affection and love brings so much of sadness, but they keep trying to hide their tears with smiles. They still also hope for such emotional turmoils to end so that at least they can wish each other when they run into each other on the road or in the parking lot.

There is so much to learn from the sporting spirit of players and our Bollywood stars where success is celebrated. One can, if one is prepared to, learn how to hold on in success or failure, but never give up giving one’s best. Whenever an actor passes away everyone considers it as a duty to be a part of the funeral or the prayer meeting.