Three Signs of a Financially Abusive Marriage

Everyone should be financially literate

BY MANAL FOUZ

Financial abuse, like emotional abuse, is far too common in many relationships. It’s not unique to any generation, culture or faith. Seldom discussed, it can make its victims feel anxious, powerless and resentful. I guarantee that you know at least one couple currently experiencing it.

Financial abuse can occur when one spouse exerts complete control over the other’s access to financial resources. In the case of a married couple, the husband is almost always the guilty party, for the wife’s ability to be financially selfsufficient is greatly reduced. This reality, an unfair power dynamic slanted in the husband’s favor, can result in the loss of trust and emotional intimacy within the marriage.

The good news is that, unlike other forms of abuse, couples have a high chance of overcoming it with just a few changes. Here are three signs of financial abuse in a marriage and some things you can do about it: ➤ Denying access. When one spouse controls all the money (income, credit cards, investments, etc.) in an unhealthy and manipulative way, that’s financial abuse. When you deny your spouse access to marital assets, it’s a power play. And usually, when you’re trying to assert your dominance, it means you don’t view them as an equal.

Consider how unprecedented this verse must have been to the Prophet’s (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) contemporaries: “And do not covet that by which God has made some of you excel others; men shall have the benefit of what they earn, and women shall have the benefit of what they earn” (4:32). Husbands who give their wives an allowWHEN ONE SPOUSE CONTROLS ALL THE MONEY ance need to tread carefully. An allowance (INCOME, CREDIT CARDS, INVESTMENTS, ETC.) can be healthy if both spouses share access to the family’s marital assets. Consider depositing most of the family’s income into a joint IN AN UNHEALTHY AND MANIPULATIVE WAY, THAT’S FINANCIAL ABUSE. bank account. Each spouse can set up an individual bank account for this allowance and then spend it with no questions asked. ➤ They feverishly monitor your Abusive spouses aren’t always cheap. In fact, they spending, but forbid you question theirs. Setting up a household budget is will sometimes make a large purchase with your joint important for a family’s financial success. However, it’s unhealthy for one spouse money after you’ve purchased something for yourself. to make all the spending decisions or react angrily whenever money is spent. A massive, unexpected purchase after an argument A spouse who vigorously tracks every purchase and gives just enough money can be a symptom of financial abuse. Remember, it’s to complete a task has major control issues. all about control.

There can also be a fine line between being cheap and inflicting financial abuse. ➤ Keeping you in the dark. A husband who For instance, if a wife spends money on herself for clothing, entertainment, food maintains secret financial accounts is committing and other needs and her husband goes nuclear, that’s financial abuse. If he refuses financial abuse. Hiding something important from to spend money on her medical or dental needs, that’s financial abuse. As 4:34 one’s spouse, such as debt, investment losses or even states, “Men are the caretakers of women, as men have been provisioned by God large purchases, is sometimes referred to as “finanover women and tasked with supporting them financially.” cial infidelity.” They may use their spouse’s credit

information to open these accounts and then ruin their credit history by running up charges and not paying the bills.

The unassuming spouse can develop a false sense of security. When financial infidelity is discovered, a deep sense of betrayal is inevitable. Honesty and open communication are vital to maintaining a healthy marriage. This includes communicating about money issues.

So, what can you do if you feel you’re being abused?

Talk to your spouse. If he/she vehemently disagrees with your characterization, be firm. Consider counseling, whether it’s individual or marital, with a therapist who specializes in financial abuse. Such a person can help you feel more empowered by showing you how to selfadvocate and set healthy boundaries.

Hopefully, your spouse is willing to make some changes. Demand that he/she start by sharing and reviewing with you all bank accounts, investments, credit cards, and other relevant financial accounts. Demand access to formerly offlimit or secret accounts and that your name appears as a joint owner. Password management applications like LastPass are a great way to store joint access information securely.

Next, consider starting a financial plan for a complete picture of your finances. Doing so will help organize your liabilities (expenses) and assets all in one place, as well as make decisions on how to spend your marital assets. After this, make it a rule to meet with your financial advisor (e.g., accountant, financial planner or banker) as a couple rather than individually.

Lastly, change your mindset. Marriage is a union, a partnership. Try to do everything you can to foster that partnership. A caring and compassionate spouse will remember God’s words, “And among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in peace and tranquility with them. And He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): Verily, in that are signs for those who reflect” (30:21).

Note: If you’re experiencing financial abuse as part of an even more serious physical or emotional abuse, please seek immediate professional help. ih

Manal Fouz is chief compliance officer, Azzad Asset Management.

DONATE BLOOD, AND MAYBE YOU WILL SAVE A LIFE

As a public service, every healthy Muslim can donate a unit of blood every six months. Doing so is a win-win situation. The body replaces the donated blood with fresh blood within two months, which helps the immune system prevent diabetes, high blood pressure and various kinds of cancers.

Donate your blood, even if you have had Covid-19, because it will have antibodies.

The Quran tells us: “Whoever saves a life, it is as though he [or she] had saved the lives of all humanity” (5:32).

Remember that blood donation is an easy and wonderful way to spread Islam’s message.

In many cases, just as American Muslims benefit from the blood and organs donated by others, we are obliged to reciprocate this generosity.

Moreover, the blood donated by practicing Muslims is sure to be free of alcohol and drug residue.

Space donated by: Dr. S.A. Rehman