Understanding Divorce in American Muslim Communities

Divorce trends among Muslim families in the U.S. have been poorly understood and not widely analyzed according to empirical data. As a result, more such research, scholarship and support programs are needed.

Last year, the Institute for Social Policy and Understanding (www. ispu.org) sought to bridge this data gap by conducting a survey of

Muslims, Jews and the general population. This article reviews some of the key findings and questions raised and offers recommendations based on interviews with imams, experts and leaders.

Ilyas BaYunus (d. 2007) — a founding MSA member (est. 1963) and former president (1969) who served in its central leadership until ISNA’s (est. 1982) formation — conducted a survey in the 1990s and warned Muslims of various disturbing trends. About a decade ago, Judy McFarlin wrote a book on it: “Islamic Divorce in North

America: A Shari’a Path in a Secular Society” (Oxford University

Press, 2012). Other works includes Sound Vision’s online survey.

The ISPU 2020 report raises new issues.

In January 2021, ISPU published its “Five Surprising Facts about

Divorce in American Muslim Communities” at www.ispu.org/fivefacts-about-divorce/. This report, based on ISPU’s 2020 American

Muslim Poll and conducted by the professional polling firm SSRS, surveyed a total of 2,167 from the general population: 801 Muslims, 351 Jews and 1,015 adults.

Following are some of its highlights and analysis of the results.

Zahra and Adil (not their real names) married while they were students working part-time. They lived in his parents’ basement suite for the first two years until Zahra got a full-time job. Her earnings went to support Adil’s law studies. Today both enjoy great professional careers and are proud parents of three children. More Programs Needed. The general social trend toward internet dating complicates compatible matchmaking. Instead, Islamic centers and mosques should offer more interesting matchmaking programs so that youth can meet and find good compatible mates. ISNA, ICNA and other national Muslim organizations are doing a wonderful job by holding such events during their conferences and conventions. But as these only cater to attendees, more effort is needed to reach a seemingly growing number of singles. Elders must be trained to provide good matchmaking services within their community to reduce these numbers. For example, Michigan’s Community Helpers Matrimonial Services is a WhatsApp group managed by community elders that enables singles to share their personal matchmaking profiles. Religious and Cultural Considerations. Young people should be urged to seek a spouse within the community. Ali (not his real name) met Kelly during a university event and, soon after, broke his engagement with Sairah. The common phenomenon of interfaith marriage, which dilutes and confuses the pool of available matches, leaves many of our own youth single. Greater efforts must be made to educate young adults and their parents about expanding their spousal-based criteria rather than SINGLE AND NEVER-MARRIED MUSLIMS restricting it to certain professions, ethnicities and other demands. The authors explain this fact — 35% of Muslims are single, com- For example, Aisha had several proposals when she was in her teens pared to 22% of the general population — by noting that Muslims and early twenties. Yet she and her parents rejected them, because are, on average, younger, especially in the 18-29 age bracket, than the men did not meet their/her criteria of profession, career, eththe general public: 41% versus 21%, respectively. This trend may nicity and so on. And so the proposals started to dwindle. Now in be a factor, although imams receive many marriage requests from her 30s, she wonders if she’ll ever get married. highly educated, professional women in their 30s or even 40s as well, or from SIX PERCENT OF MUSLIMS parents looking for a suitable mate for their adult child. ISLAM HAS NOTHING AGAINST ARE DIVORCED VS. 11% IN THE GENERAL POPULATION

The consensus in anecdotal inter- DIVORCE IN THE EVENT OF This result contradicts the perception views is that matchmaking needs to be addressed urgently. A few solutions UNRESOLVABLE MARITAL of imams, community leaders and professionals. Sound Vision’s 2010 survey were offered to address the gap in insti- ISSUES, AND YET MUSLIM reports that 56.55% of Muslims are tutional programs and the need for a changed approach to lead to more sucSOCIETY AND CULTURE REMAIN currently divorced (www.soundvision.com/article/divorce-in-the-muscessful marriages and fewer divorces. BIASED AGAINST DIVORCED lim-community-2010-survey-analy-

Balance Career with Marriage. INDIVIDUALS, ESPECIALLY sis). This discrepancy may be due to For example, young people and parents should moderate their high-presWOMEN WHO HAVE CHILDREN. how the survey question was framed and presented to the participants. It sure expectations for their children to THE ISPU SURVEY SHOWS THAT could also be due to shame surroundcomplete their education and establish their career before marriage. ONLY 67% OF MUSLIM PARENTS ing divorce and a reluctance to answer truthfully. Rahmaa Institute’s (www.rahmaa. SAY THEY WOULD ACCEPT Divorce Perception. Regardless, org/) research and professional experience show that couples who struggle THEIR CHILD MARRYING this raises the question: How are we, as a Muslim community, accepting to finish their studies and career after A DIVORCED PERSON, AS divorce as a solution to unresolvable marriage have a more successful marital life. After solving their problems and growing together, they can look COMPARED TO JEWISH (79%) AND CATHOLIC (72%) PARENTS. marital problems? According to the ISPU report, Muslims appear to accept the fact that divorce is increasing. back with pride and inform their chil- Surprisingly, divorce is more acceptdren of their struggle. able in the older age groups (30 and

above) than in the younger group (18-29). Nonetheless, it tends to be a very isolating and embarrassing situation, especially for women.

Effects on Families. Going through a divorce is among life’s most hurtful and stressful phases. So many suffer tremendously from losing their spouse. Children especially suffer confusion, displacement and insecurity about what the future will bring. Social stigma, still a common reality among Muslim Americans, makes finding another spouse very difficult.

We should make sure that our imams and community leaders, usually the first line of defense, are trained and have the resources to handle such cases. Many divorced people go into depression and/or isolation to mourn their loss. As a result, Muslims need welltrained counselors and social workers to deal with their mental health needs.

A support infrastructure is needed.

As the divorce population increases, one wonders whether Muslims have the infrastructure to serve and support this group, especially children. Single parents need job programs, emergency shelters, financial support, babysitting, childcare facilities and many other services. Mosques should evaluate their programs and partnerships with stakeholder organizations and encourage those seeking divorce to be open about the issues they are facing.

SIX PERCENT OF SINGLE MUSLIMS ARE COHABITING God is explicit on forbidding illicit and premarital sex. For instance, the Quran (17:32) admonishes: “Nor come nigh to adultery: for it is a shameful (deed) and an evil opening the road (to other evils).”

However, some Muslims feel that they have to address this disturbing statistic in an “amicable” and “constructive” way. Some young people and imams believe that this number exceeds 6% in some communities. These couples might also be ashamed to admit this to ISPU surveyors. One imam said that this trend depends on how much the mosque and the community welcome diversity and what kind of programs are available.

The survey finds that some young people find solace together and decide to cohabit. They meet and enjoy each other’s company rather than visit a mosque where they don’t feel accepted. They are also mirroring a greater societal trend within the general population of living together before getting married or dating multiple people.

Although this issue is hard to deal with, some argue that as a community, they must discover more solutions and engage in conversations that welcome rather than alienate them.

MUSLIMS ARE LESS LIKELY TO ACCEPT A DIVORCED SPOUSE Islam has nothing against divorce in the event of unresolvable marital issues, and yet Muslim society and culture remain biased against divorced individuals, especially women who have children. The ISPU survey shows that only 67% of Muslim parents say they would accept their child marrying a divorced person, as compared to Jewish (79%) and Catholic (72%) parents. As Catholicism views marriage as a sacramental act, its rules against divorce are far stricter than those of Islam. Similarly, Jewish divorce laws are not women friendly either, where the religious legality of the divorce rests on the husband’s assent.

Divorce and compatible matchmaking within our communities require urgent attention. More work, open minded conversations and research will lead to objective statistics, reasons and solutions. The following plans should be considered:

Think tanks and academic institutions should conduct more research and study to provide a better, more comprehensive picture of diverse Muslim communities, their needs and solutions.

Imams should be trained to address all aspects of matchmaking and divorce through qualified counseling and sponsoring masjid and community programs.

Islamic centers and mosques have to hold more events so young people can meet and get to know each other in a safe environment.

More khutbas, workshops and conferences targeting parents and marriage-age youth are also necessary.

We hope and pray that more practical suggestions will result from such dialogues. It’s long past time to engage young people, address their needs realistically and support them. As all of this requires a combined effort, please send your comments and suggestions to Rahmaa.Institute@ gmail.com ih

Khalid Iqbal, founder of Rahmaa Institute, which focuses on issues related to marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence and anger prevention. In his capacity as an author (“Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community” [with Aisha Changezi, 2016]) and speaker, he has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course.

The author is grateful to the following individuals for their time and recommendations: Erum Ikramullah (research project manager, ISPU), Shaykh Mohamed Almasmari (imam and khatib, Muslim Unity Center, Bloomfield Hills, Mich.), Sheikh Ali Suleiman Ali (imam and religious director, Muslim Community of the Western Suburbs of Detroit; director, Muslim Family Services, Detroit), Imam Mohamed Magid (executive imam, ADAMS Center, Sterling, Va.; chairman, International Interfaith Peace Corps; former president, ISNA), Imam Mustapha Alturk (amir, Islamic Organization of North America; imam, IONA Mosque, Warren, Mich.), Aneesah Nadir, M.S.W., Ph.D. (president, Islamic Social Services Association-USA; former professor, Arizona State University [17 years]; professor at several institutions) and Salma Elkadi Abugideiri MED, LPC (a leading mental health provider in Virginia; a founding board member, Peaceful Family Project; co-author of several books on marriage and family).