Choosing the Right Spouse

Be sure to do your homework before getting married

BY KHALID IQBAL

Interesting discussions are taking place during workshops, seminars and on social media about marriage among Muslims. Individuals who want to marry have concerns about the ever-increasing separation and divorce rates among couples of all ages. They see their close friends or “ideal” couples breaking apart before their eyes.

Many Muslims have outlined some of the key reasons for such events, among them anger, domestic violence, addiction, outside interference, lack of intimacy, poor communication, distrust, extramarital relations, financial issues and overspending.

The issue is that Muslims are struggling to find the right spouse but aren’t exactly sure how to recognize him or her and move to the next stage.

DELAYING MARRIAGE At 36, Hafsa (not her real name) felt physically exhausted and mentally drained after another sleepless night. After meeting a potential spouse through a Muslim matrimonial site, it took several weeks for her and her family to decide to meet the other family in person.

Hafsa was adamant that she would handle this meeting positively. The son, who seemed like a nice and charming fellow, held a senior position at a reputable company, was recently divorced and shared custody of his daughter with his ex-wife.

However, their levels of education weren’t equal: she had more than a decade of college and university education; he didn’t. They didn’t share the same ethnicity, and she still had questions about why he had gotten divorced. She was also worried about sharing parenting duties, especially if they had their own children. Her many questions and doubts kept her awake all night.

She had always thought that her rigid demands were the result of maturity, not realizing that her inflexibility was restricting the choices available to her. Also, now aged 36, the available choices weren’t as many or as good as they had been 10-15 years ago. Hafsa often wonders if delaying marriage because of “education” or “financially settling down in life” was a wise idea.

She feels frustrated, as most of her friends are married and settled in life. She has changed her circle of friends, finding others like her who are single, never married or divorced. But she feels that life in that circle is gloomy and miserable.

A Pew Research Center report based on U.S. Census statistics finds that a person’s first marriage has continued to rise over the past 50 years. In 2011, the median age was an estimated 28.7 for men and 26.5 for women. In 1960, the median age for both men and women was in the early 20s (https://www. pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/05/27/as-millennials-near-40-theyre-approaching-family-life-differently-than-previous-generations/).

In addition, since then American culture has become far more accepting of unmarried individuals cohabiting. This stigma, along with the resulting children, has lessened significantly.

This trend, unfortunately, is also increasing among Muslims, but possibly for different reasons. The Institute for Social Policy and Understanding’s 2020 study shows that 35% of Muslims of marriageable age are still seeking a potential spouse (https://www.ispu.org/five-facts-about-divorce/).

Abdullah narrated: “We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth. So, God’s Messenger said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his sexual power” (“Sahih al-Bukhari,” 5066, book 67, hadith no. 4).

Marrying at a younger age has many other benefits, including better choices, the excitement of enjoying marriage and growing together, time to enjoy each other’s company and work through life’s challenges together, having the energy to enjoy children and taking advantage of a young wife’s higher fertility rate.

Couples who marry earlier evolve together and support each other through the earlier years, rather than develop entrenched habits over a decade or more before marrying.

MARRYING FOR THE WRONG REASONS Many unmarried individuals in their 30s are self-conscious and start to think that something is wrong with them. They feel pressured to make a hasty decision, especially when family and friends start pressuring them with sarcastic jabs and subtle suggestions. This dynamic is worse for those who have younger siblings waiting for their turn.

Some individuals with family problems like domestic violence or financial issues feel lonely or desperate. As a result, they are likely to make a poor marriage choice and to lower their standards.

We all have our own ideal spouse in mind. Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) guided

us to look for a number of things in a spouse, but especially deen and good character. We recommend that you avoid getting involved with the types of people listed below.

Addicts. All types of addiction negatively affect healthy relationships. Such people are often prone to inconsistent and unpredictable behavior, outbursts of anger and violence, irresponsibility, emotional emptiness, lack of sexual desire and bad moods. As a result, the relationship will be full of ups and downs.

Players. These people don’t respect the sanctity of a monogamous relationship and thus become involved with other people. They undermine trust and feelings of marital intimacy and hurt the marriage’s foundation.

Debtors. Financially irresponsible people buy things unnecessarily, carry debt, don’t pay bills on time and frequently borrow money from financial institutions or family and friends. They may also use this money for items or activities that the spouse would find objectionable.

Recently Divorced or Widowed. They can make wonderful spouses, but the issue here is how recently those events happened. If such traumas are still fresh, they may cause anger or a sense of loss. Thus, as such people might not be ready for a new relationship, it’s better to wait until more time has passed. Habitual Divorcers. This type, which marries only for pleasure, easily find faults in others, even with the smallest of issues. They have no resilience or staying power to see the marriage through difficult times, and so might marry for the wrong reasons. Ungodly People. They have little or no connection with God, for what interests them is this world. Their lack of faith has a negative impact on the family members’ religious practice and sets a poor example for the children.

MANY UNMARRIED INDIVIDUALS IN THEIR 30S Mama’s Boy or Girl. Spouses who are

ARE SELF-CONSCIOUS AND START TO THINK influenced and controlled by their parents will never escape the multiple conflicts that THAT SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THEM. THEY will inevitably arise. When newly married FEEL PRESSURED TO MAKE A HASTY DECISION, ESPECIALLY WHEN FAMILY AND FRIENDS START couples are forced to live with either set of parents, who will make the financial and other important decisions for the new family PRESSURING THEM WITH SARCASTIC JABS AND is often a source of continual tension. Such SUBTLE SUGGESTIONS. acrimony can easily subvert the Quranic understanding of marriage: the union of a man and a woman legally united to fulfill each other’s sexual and emotional needs: “Glory to God, Who created in pairs all things that the earth produces, as well as their own kind and (other) things of which they have no knowledge" (36:36). POSITIVE APPROACH The Quran enjoins Muslims to select good and pure (tayyib) spouses: “… and women of purity are for men of purity, and men of purity are for women of purity…” (24:26). People wanting to get married have different criteria, ranging from the superficial (e.g., looks, beauty, wealth, status, hijab or not, beard or not) to the more serious (e.g., religion, character, compatibility and outlook on relationships, domestic violence, anger, finance, children and personal habits). We recommend that people set three types of standards and qualities: • Core standards that shouldn’t be compromised, such as religion, spirituality, morality and character. • Peripheral standards, like age difference, the same culture, profession, status and physical features. • Bad and questionable qualities, all of which should cause you to reject the person. We also strongly recommend enrolling in a good premarital course. Doing so will help intending spouses create a harmonious and tranquil family, practice patience and show our best character while overcoming life’s challenges. As the Quran says: “Among His Signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts). Verily, in that are Signs for those who reflect" (30:21). “There is no greater happiness for you approaching the door of your home at the end of a day knowing someone on the other side of that door is waiting for the sound of your footsteps.” This quote, attributed to Ronald Reagan by https://quotefancy.com/, has meant so much to me during these 50 years of my married life. ih

Khalid Iqbal, a mechanical engineer and founder of Rahmaa Institute, created the institute because of his passion for working with nonprofits dealing with marriage, conflict resolution, divorce, domestic violence and anger prevention. The author of “Anger and Domestic Violence Prevention Guide for the Muslim Community” (2016) and a speaker on family and marital issues, he has developed a comprehensive eight-hour premarital counseling course. He can be contacted at: Rahmaa.Institute@gmail.com.