COVER STORY
Choosing the Right Spouse Be sure to do your homework before getting married
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BY KHALID IQBAL
nteresting discussions are taking place during workshops, seminars and on social media about marriage among Muslims. Individuals who want to marry have concerns about the ever-increasing separation and divorce rates among couples of all ages. They see their close friends or “ideal” couples breaking apart before their eyes. Many Muslims have outlined some of the key reasons for such events, among them anger, domestic violence, addiction, outside interference, lack of intimacy, poor communication, distrust, extramarital relations, financial issues and overspending. The issue is that Muslims are struggling to find the right spouse but aren’t exactly sure how to recognize him or her and move to the next stage.
DELAYING MARRIAGE
At 36, Hafsa (not her real name) felt physically exhausted and mentally drained after another sleepless night. After meeting a potential spouse through a Muslim matrimonial site, it took several weeks for her and her family to decide to meet the other family in person. Hafsa was adamant that she would handle this meeting positively. The son, who seemed like a nice and charming fellow, held a senior position at a reputable company, was recently divorced and shared custody of his daughter with his ex-wife. However, their levels of education weren’t equal: she had more than a decade of college and university education; he didn’t. They didn’t share the same ethnicity, and she still had questions about why he had gotten divorced. She was also worried about sharing parenting duties, especially if they had their own children. Her many questions and doubts kept her awake all night. She had always thought that her rigid demands were the result of maturity, not realizing that her inflexibility was restricting the choices available to her. Also, now aged 36, the available choices weren’t as many or as good as they had been 10-15 years ago. Hafsa often wonders if delaying marriage because of “education” or “financially settling down in life” was a wise idea. She feels frustrated, as most of her friends are married and settled in life. She has changed her circle of friends, finding others like her who are single, never married or divorced. But she feels that life in that circle is gloomy and miserable. A Pew Research Center report based on U.S. Census statistics finds that a person’s first marriage has continued to rise over the past 50 years. In 2011, the median age was an estimated 28.7 for men and 26.5 for women. In 1960, the median age for both men and women was in the early 20s (https://www. pewresearch.org/social-trends/2020/05/27/as-millennials-near-40-theyre-approaching-family-life-differently-than-previous-generations/). In addition, since then American culture has become far more accepting of unmarried individuals cohabiting. This stigma, along with the resulting children, has lessened significantly. This trend, unfortunately, is also increasing among Muslims, but possibly for different reasons. The Institute for Social Policy and Understanding’s 2020 study shows that 35% of Muslims of marriageable age are still seeking a potential spouse (https://www.ispu.org/five-facts-about-divorce/). Abdullah narrated: “We were with the Prophet while we were young and had no wealth. So, God’s Messenger said, “O young people! Whoever among you can marry should marry, because it helps him lower his gaze and guard his modesty, and whoever is not able to marry should fast, as fasting diminishes his 20 ISLAMIC HORIZONS NOVEMBER/DECEMBER 2021
sexual power” (“Sahih al-Bukhari,” 5066, book 67, hadith no. 4). Marrying at a younger age has many other benefits, including better choices, the excitement of enjoying marriage and growing together, time to enjoy each other’s company and work through life’s challenges together, having the energy to enjoy children and taking advantage of a young wife’s higher fertility rate. Couples who marry earlier evolve together and support each other through the earlier years, rather than develop entrenched habits over a decade or more before marrying.
MARRYING FOR THE WRONG REASONS
Many unmarried individuals in their 30s are self-conscious and start to think that something is wrong with them. They feel pressured to make a hasty decision, especially when family and friends start pressuring them with sarcastic jabs and subtle suggestions. This dynamic is worse for those who have younger siblings waiting for their turn. Some individuals with family problems like domestic violence or financial issues feel lonely or desperate. As a result, they are likely to make a poor marriage choice and to lower their standards. We all have our own ideal spouse in mind. Prophet Muhammad (salla Allahu ‘alayhi wa sallam) guided
